All language subtitles for Awkward.S04E01.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP.5.1.H.265.-EDGE2020_track3_[eng]

- LAST SEASON ON AWKWARD...

- IN THE COURSE
OF A RELATIONSHIP,

IF THINGS DIDN'T EVOLVE,
THEY THREATENED TO GO EXTINCT.

I'M WORRIED THIS COLLIN THING

MIGHT BE MORE THAN
JUST A FANTASY.

- EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT
HOW YOUR PARENTS ARE BROKE.

AAH!
[thud]

- YOU HAVE TO HAVE
A GUARDIAN OVER 18.

- DO YOU WANT HER?
- YES!

- SOLD!
SADIE'S YOUR NEW BABY.

- I LOVED BEING PRESIDENT,
AND YOU RUINED THAT FOR ME.

- END IT WITH COLLIN
OR TELL MATTY.

all: SURPRISE!

- YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME?
- I'M SO, SO SORRY, MATTY.

I'M SO SORRY.
- WE WEREN'T TAKING SIDES,

BUT WE ARE NOW.
AND WE ARE NOT ON YOURS.

- I'M SORRY, J.
YOU'RE SUSPENDED.

- I RUINED FRIENDSHIPS
BECAUSE OF YOU.

- IT IS ALL ON YOU, JENNA.
- I HAD HIT ROCK BOTTOM.

I WANTED MY LIFE BACK.
- MATTY, THIS MY FRIEND BAILEY.

- I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE

THAT YOU WERE COOL WITH ME
ASKING BAILEY.

- HOW 'BOUT YOU GUYS
HAVE THIS DANCE?

- DIDN'T KNOW
WE WERE STILL OPEN.

- AND I DIDN'T KNOW
WE WERE CLOSED.

I WANNA BE THAT GIRL WHO DOESN'T
NEED A BOY TO BE HAPPY,

BECAUSE I'LL KNOW HOW TO DANCE
ALL ON MY OWN.

- DECIDING WHO I WANTED
TO BE WAS SO LIBERATING,

SO EMPOWERING.

MEN, SENSING
MY INNER STRENGTH,

FLOCKED TO ME.

MOTHS TO MY FLAME.

WHEN I DECIDED
I DIDN'T NEED MEN,

THEY ALL DECIDED
THEY NEEDED ME.

THEY CRAVED EVERY THOUGHT
IN MY HEAD

AND EVERY INCH OF MY BODY.

[sultry music]

HE WORKED HIS WAY DOWN
MY TORSO,

AND WHEN HE GOT TO MY CENTER
OF NEED,

IT FELT SO GOOD.

OH, SO GOOD.

[moans]

- IT'S SENIOR YEAR!
GET IT!

- OH, SHE GOT IT.

- OH.

- OHH!
OH, OVER-SQUIRTED.

STICKY FINGERS.

DID YOU WASH YOUR HANDS?
- LACEY!

- MOM!
- GET OVER IT, YOU TWO.

EVERYONE MASTURBATES.

IT'S NOT LIKE
I HAVEN'T CAUGHT YOU

RUBBING ONE OUT
AT YOUR LAPTOP, MISTER.

- UH...SO, JENNA,

SENIOR YEAR, HUH?
SENIORS RULE THE ROOST.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE SO MUCH FUN
THIS YEAR.

- IT WAS SUCH A BLAST.

WELL, UNTIL MY MORNING SICKNESS.

HONEY, A HOODIE?

AREN'T SENIOR PICTURES TODAY?

- THIS IS HOW I ALWAYS LOOK.

- IT'S NOT REALLY A LOOK.

HOW ABOUT EARRINGS?

A LITTLE MAKEUP,
A COLORFUL TOP--

YOU'LL STAND OUT
A LITTLE MORE.

- I DON'T WANT TO STAND OUT.
- BUT IT'S SENIOR YEAR.

ARE YOU DEPRESSED
ABOUT BEING SINGLE?

- NO. I LIKE BEING
SINGLE.

I'M GETTING TO KNOW
MYSELF AGAIN.

- YEAH.
WE SAW, HONEY.

HEY, BETTER BEAT AROUND
YOUR OWN BUSH

THAN GET INTO BOY TROUBLE,
HMM?

- OKAY, I'M OFF
TO HOME DEPOT,

GONNA GET A LOCK
FOR THAT DOOR.

- LET ME TAKE YOU SHOPPING
FOR SOME CUTE CLOTHES.

OUR LAST BACK-TO-SCHOOL
SHOPPING EVER.

SOME CUTE JAMMIES
FOR SENIOR SLEEPOVERS,

SOMETHING PEPPY
FOR HOMECOMING,

PROM--
- MOM.

IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL.
PACE YOURSELF.

- COME ON.

JUST A QUICK TRIP TO
THE MALL AFTER SCHOOL.

- OKAY, FINE.

ONLY IF YOU LET GO

OF YOUR
COMPLETE MAKEOVER AGENDA.

- DONE.

- I'D COME A LONG WAY
FROM SOPHOMORE YEAR.

FROM BEING
RANDOM SUICIDE GIRL

WHO HOOKED UP
WITH MATTY MCKIBBEN,

BUT ENDED UP DATING
JAKE ROSATI,

TO RANDOM SUICIDE GIRL

WHO STUPIDLY CHEATED
ON MATTY MCKIBBEN

WITH AN EPIC DOUCHEBAG,
TO, WELL...

JUST A RANDOM GIRL AGAIN.

IT WAS A REFRESHING START
TO A NEW STIGMA-FREE YEAR.

- HEY, HAMILTOE!

HEARD YOU WERE CAUGHT
PEARL FISHING

IN YOUR RED LOBSTER
THIS MORNING.

- DID I REALLY NEED
TO TELL MY MOTHER

NOT TO TELL HER FRIENDS
ABOUT MY TENDER BUTTONING?

- HOW EMBARRASSING.

MUST MAKE YOU WANT
TO KILL YOURSELF.

BETTER LUCK THIS TIME.

[pop music blasts
on radio]

- NICE WHEELS.

- YOUR TWEETING MUST REALLY
BE PAYING OFF.

- BETTER THAN YOUR TWATTING.

FYI, YOU'RE LOOKING
A LITTLE BRASSY.

PROBABLY BEST NOT TO BUY
YOUR BLONDE

AT THE 99 CENT STORE.

ALTHOUGH IF YOU EMBRACE IT
AND GET MATCHING TRAMP STAMPS

AND IMPLANTS,
YOU'LL BE ALL SET

FOR YOUR LUCRATIVE
POST-HIGH SCHOOL CAREER

HANGING FROM POLES
AT THE SPEARMINT RHINO.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

- [sighs]
WOW.

THE BIATCH REALLY
IS BACK.

- SHE'S SO SNATCHY.

both:
LOVE HER.

- ALREADY I WAS FEELING

THE CORE EMOTIONAL DRAMA
OF SENIOR YEAR--

THE SADNESS OF DOING SOMETHING
FOR THE LAST TIME EVER

MIXED WITH
THE THRILL OF KNOWING

YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO DO
ANY OF THIS [bleep] AGAIN.

- BEING THE BE-WOC--
BIG WOMAN ON CAMPUS--

HAS ME IN MANIC-PANIC
MULTITASK MODE.

AS CLASS PRESIDENT,
I AM RESPONSIBLE

FOR THE SENIOR SLEEPOVER,
WHICH IS JUST TWO NIGHTS AWAY.

IT IS A HUGELY B.B.F.D.!

THEN THERE'S PEP RALLY,
SPIRIT WEEK,

PLUS I HAVE TO CRANK UP
MY GPAs, RETAKE MY S.A.T.s,

MY S.A.T. IIs, THREE MORE APs--

EVEN FOR A QUANT,
THAT IS A LOT TO DIGEST.

MY INFO-OVERLOAD IS INCHING
TOWARD INFO-BESITY.

- WELL,
GOOD MORNING TO YOU TOO.

- THEO, COLE.
ARE YOU GETTING THIS?

THIS MAGIC MOMENT
WILL NEVER, EVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

- "MAGIC"?
WHAT MAGIC?

THIS CROWD'S
A CHEESY SLICE OF BASIC

DRIPPING ONTO THE FLOOR OF
SOME PIZZA PARLOR IN TUSTIN.

- IT'S LIKE MALL
OF AMERICA ON THE BEACH.

WHO WANTS TO REMEMBER
ANY OF THIS SICK [bleep]?

- IT'S LIKE SOMEONE THREW UP

THE CAST OF GLEE
ON OUR BLEACHERS.

both: IT'S SICK!
- OKAY, ENOUGH!

I DIDN'T RECRUIT YOU GUYS
TO FILM THE BLAIR BITCH PROJECT.

NOW GET TO WORK,
OR I WILL STRAP YOU DOWN

AND MAKE YOU WATCH
IT GETS BETTERVIDEOS

UNTIL YOU BLEED EMPATHY.

- WHY DO YOU PUT UP
WITH THOSE GUYS?

- BECAUSE THEY'RE GOOD.

THEIR LAST SHORT FILM,
BEING GAY IS GAY

ACTUALLY MADE IT
INTO FESTIVALS.

DEALING WITH TALENT IS
A NIGHTMARE.

UGH.

STILL NOT USED
TO THIS JAKE-OVER.

SO NOT LOVING IT.

- REALLY? I KIND OF DO.

IT'S COMPLICATED.

KIND OF HOT.

- UGH.

- ♪ SHE
- JAKE!

WOULD YOU PLEASE
BE SO KIND

AS TO PUT THE GUITAR AWAY
FOR THE CLASS PHOTO,

WHICH IT IS
MY PRESIDENTIAL DUTY

TO REMIND YOU,
IS NOT AN ALBUM COVER.

- OH, LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE PUT ON
HER BOSSY PANTS THIS MORNING.

[laughs]
- OKAY, EVERYBODY NEEDS TO SIT!

COME ON! COME ON!

ARE YOU WALKING
THROUGH MOLASSES, PEOPLE?

MOVE YOUR FEET!

YOU'RE DOWN THERE.

- I HADN'T SEEN MATTY
ALL SUMMER.

SO SEEING HIM TODAY,
I FELT...

LIKE WHAT I FELT
DIDN'T MATTER ANYMORE.

I HAD MY CHANCE WITH MATTY,
AND I HAD BLOWN IT.

IT WAS TIME TO BE AN ADULT
AND DEAL WITH THE PRESENT.

MATTY HAD MOVED ON.
HE WAS SPOKEN FOR.

END OF STORY.

- HI.

- HEY.
HOW WAS YOUR SUMMER?

- UM...

SOCCER CAMP WAS VERY INTENSE.

YEAH. BUT GOOD.

I KIND OF MISSED
REGULAR CAMP THOUGH.

YOU KNOW, SEEING YOU THERE--
- OKAY!

ENOUGH CHITCHAT.

TIME TO GET THIS MOMENT
FROZEN FOREVER.

- OKAY.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE MING'S GONE.

IT WAS SO SUDDEN.

- I KNOW.
IT SUCKS.

- WILL WE EVER RECOVER FROM
THE END OF THE MING DYNASTY?

- SO MANY EPIC CHANGES OVER
ONE SHORT SUMMER...

THAT IT WAS REASSURING
TO SEE SOME THINGS

HADN'T CHANGED AT ALL.
- YOU'VE CHANGED.

THE OLD LISSA WOULD NEVER,
EVER MISS SENIOR PICTURE.

- I CAN'T HELP IT.

WE'RE TRYING TO GET HOME.

AFRICA IS, LIKE,
REALLY FAR AWAY.

[distant gunshots]

- WHAT'S THAT NOISE?

- THERE ARE TWO KINDS
OF GUERRILLAS HERE--

THE ONES THAT LIKE BANANAS

AND THE ONES
THAT CARRY MACHETES.

BUT IT'S ALL BEEN SO WORTH IT,

BRINGING THE LORD TO--

OH, NO, THEY'RE COMING!

- WHO?
- THE GUERRILLAS!

[screams]
- JUST THROW THEM A BANANA.

YOU BETTER BE BACK IN TIME
FOR CHEER!

I NEED YOUR VOTE
FOR CAPTAIN!

AND FIX YOUR HAIR IF YOU WANT
TO BE IN THE PICTURE.

[rock music]

♪

♪ PIE WITH THE MAKER'S HEAD

♪ THE EDUCATED SIN

♪ OH MY GOD,
I WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND ♪

♪ WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND

- WHO ARE YOU?
- OH, HEY.

HOW'S IT GOING?
I'M EVA.

WHO ARE YOU?

- I'M, UH--JUST--
VALERIE MARKS.

GIRL FRIDAY/YOUR NEW BFF.

DO I KNOW YOU FROM SOMEWHERE?

- I DON'T KNOW, DO YOU?

I'M THE NEW GIRL
AND I'M STARTING MY SENIOR YEAR,

AND I WILL TAKE AS MANY FRIENDS
AS I CAN GET.

MAYBE WE'LL HAVE
CLASS TOGETHER.

- [gasps]
OH.

SWEET THING, NO, NO,
I'M ON THE FACULTY.

- OH, OKAY.

YOU JUST SEEM SO YOUNG.
- NO. I KNOW, I KNOW.

IT'S WHY I RELATE SO WELL
WITH ALL THE KIDS.

OOH, COME SIT WITH ME.

- OKAY.

[cell phones chiming
and ringing]

- OMFG,
CAN WE ALL PLEASE FOCUS?

THIS FOREVER IS GOING TO BE
A NEVER

IF WE DON'T GET THIS TOGETHER!

CLASS RANKINGS?

HOW DID THIS GET OUT?

THIS WIKI-LEAKING IS GOING TO

CAUSE SERIOUS WIKI-TWEAKING.

[gasps]

I'M 17!
OH, THANK GOD.

TUFTS AND BRANDEIS ARE
TOTALLY IN MY BALLPARK!

OR MAYBE I'LL REACH
FOR U. PENN.

OR PRINCETON OR--WAIT.

JENNA, WHERE ARE YOU?

- SADIE'S NUMBER THREE.
YUCK.

JAKE'S 19.

- I WISH OUR CLOSENESS IN RANK

CARRIED OVER
INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP.

OH, LOOK. THERE'S FRED.
NOT BAD.

AND MATTY--WHOA!

HE IS WAY HIGHER
THAN I THOUGHT.

CHECK IT OUT, JENNA.

- OKAY, BUT WHERE AM I?
WHY AM I NOT ON HERE?

- MAYBE YOU'RE
ON THE NEXT PAGE.

OR THE NEXT ONE.

- OH, MY GOD.

- IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

- T, I'M 137!

- NOW SMILE.

[camera shutter clicks]

- NOT A PRETTY PICTURE.

- [laughs]

I'M SORRY.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
PULLING MY LEG.

I GUESS IT'S INVOLUNTARY
MUSCLE TWITCHING.

SAY IT AGAIN.

- COLLEGE?

- HUH...
OH, JENNA.

DO YOU REALLY THINK
THAT YOU HAVE

A CHANCE AT GETTING
INTO COLLEGE

WITH YOUR LOW CLASS RANK?

WITH YOUR 139?

- 137.
- OH, EXCUSE ME.

LET'S GET M.I.T.
ON THE PHONE.

- AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED
TO BE HELPING?

- WHOA, I AM, J.

IT'S CALLED TOUGH LOVE,

AND I'M ONE TOUGH LOVER.

OKAY, LET'S START
WITH YOUR COMPLETE LACK

OF PARTICIPATION
IN JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING,

AND YOUR EMBARRASSING
S.A.T. SCORE?

THOUGH, IN YOUR DEFENSE,
YOU WERE STONED.

- IT WAS JUST ONE BAD SEMESTER.

- OKAY, I DON'T KNOW
WHO OUR WIKILEAKER IS.

I WILL HUNT HIM DOWN

AND SMOKE HIM
OUT OF HIS FOXHOLE,

BUT I ACTUALLY THINK HE--
OR SHE, OR ZHE--

I'M TRYING OUT SOME GENDER
NEUTRAL PRONOUNS THIS YEAR.

ANYWAY, I THINK THEY MAY HAVE
DONE YOU A FAVOR

BY GIVING YOU
A REALITY CHECK.

I MEAN, EVEN MING GOT
HER ACT TOGETHER,

GOING OFF TO ARIZONA
TO BOARDING SCHOOL,

SO SHE CAN GET INTO
A DECENT COLLEGE.

- IT'S IN VERMONT.

- [whispers]
I HEARD IOWA.

MAYBE THEY RELOCATED HER.

- WHO?
- [whispers] THE ASIAN MAFIA.

ALL WE GOT WAS A LETTER
FROM HER PARENTS AND THIS.

[suspenseful music]

JENNA.

LET'S TALK ABOUT
YOUR BRAND.

- MY BRAND?
- IT'S YOUR ONLY SHOT

AT PIQUING A COLLEGE'S INTEREST.

I KNOW WHAT MY BRAND IS--

EMPATHETIC HIPSTER
WITH DEEP THOUGHTS

AND DISTRACTINGLY SEXY LEGS
WHO SPOONS OUT SO MUCH SUGAR

NO ONE NOTICES ME
MAINLINING THE MEDICINE.

BUT WHAT'S "JENNA HAMILTON"?

HMM?
WHAT MAKES HER SO SPECIAL?

- I HAVE NO IDEA.
- OH, WELL.

YOU CAN ALWAYS REPEAT
YOUR JUNIOR YEAR.

- WHAT?
- AND APPLY YOURSELF THIS TIME.

AND REFRAIN FROM HAVING
ANOTHER PSYCHOTIC BREAKDOWN

AND KNIFING PEOPLE WHO CARE
FOR YOU IN THE HEART--

THAT WOULD BE ME,
IN CASE YOU NEED A CLUE.

- HOW MANY TIMES
DO I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE?

WILL YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?

- OF COURSE, JENNA.
I'M A MASOCHIST.

ANYWAY, ANOTHER YEAR WOULD
IMPROVE YOUR ACADEMIC STANDING,

AND WE WOULD HAVE FUN TOGETHER.

- I THINK I'LL JUST GO FORWARD
WITH MY SENIOR YEAR.

- THEN HAVE I GOT
A TO-DO LIST FOR YOU--

RETAKE YOUR SATs,

FINISH YOUR TWO INCOMPLETES,

GO OUT FOR A SPORT,
JOIN SOME CLUBS,

BUILD YOUR RESUME,
DEFINE YOUR BRAND,

AND DROP TO THE FLOOR
AND GIVE ME TEN.

- YOU WANT ME TO DO PUSH-UPS
FOR COLLEGE?

- NO, STRICTLY FOR
MY ENTERTAINMENT.

YOU GOT ME FIRED.
YOU THINK I DON'T HOLD GRUDGES?

- I MEAN, I GET
THAT I MESSED UP LAST YEAR--

BUT ALL THIS STUFF I HAVE
TO DO TO PAD MY RESUME?

WHERE DO I START?

- YOU SHOULD JOIN CHEER SQUAD.

- ARE YOU JOKING?

- WE NEED AN EQUIPMENT MANAGER.

WRANGLE A FEW POM-POMS,

YOU GOT YOUR FIRST EXTRACURRIC
ON YOUR APP.

- THANKS, BUT NO THANKS.
- YOU'RE 137.

AND I NEED AN ALLY ON THE TEAM
TO BUFFER ME FROM SADIE.

AND BY THE WAY,
WTF WAS SHE TALKING ABOUT?

YOUR PARENTS CAUGHT YOU
TIPTOEING THROUGH THE TULIPS?

- WHY IS EVERYONE MAKING
SUCH A BIG DEAL

OUT OF SOMETHING
THAT EVERYONE DOES?

- NOT EVERYONE.
- OH, PLEASE.

- JAKE SATISFIES
ALL MY SEXUAL NEEDS.

- OH, HOW NICE FOR YOU.

- THOUGH I AM CURIOUS.

WHEN YOU...DO...
YOU KNOW?

- CRACK THE CODE, T.
- FINE.

DO YOU HAVE ORGASMS?

- WHY ELSE WOULD I DO IT?

- SO, LIKE, NORMAL BIG Os
OR BIGGER BIG Os?

I'M JUST CURIOUS
HOW THEY COMPARE TO MINE,

AND WHAT I'VE READ
ON WIKIPEDIA

AND VARIOUS
AND SUNDRY SEX BLOGS.

- TAMARA, HAVE YOU EVER
HAD AN ORGASM?

- WITH JAKE OR IN GENERAL?
- EITHER.

- ALL THE TIME.
I'M PRETTY SURE.

- YOU'D KNOW IF YOU'D HAD ONE.

[door squeaking]

- [whispers]
IT'S ALL ABOUT THE CLIT.

[Jake playing guitar]

♪

- WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP?

I'M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE.

- WHAT ABOUT A STUDY BREAK?

- I'VE GOT
A MILLION THINGS TO DO.

- OH, THAT'S FUNNY,

'CAUSE I'VE ONLY
GOT ONE THING ON MY MIND.

- [sighs]

- ♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPEAK
I ALREADY KNOW THE DEAL ♪

♪ YOU'RE FAITHFUL
AND WILLING TO DO MY WILL ♪

♪ IF I EVER NEED SOMETHING,
YOU GO AND GET IT ♪

♪ IF I GOT SOMETHING NEW
IN MIND YOU'RE DOWN WITH IT ♪

- [grunts]
ALL DONE.

THAT WAS GREAT.
- YEAH, IT WAS.

- I NEED TO BE VALEDICTORIAN.

- WHY NOT BE HAPPY
WITH NUMBER THREE?

- BECAUSE THAT'S COMPLACENCY,

AND COMPLACENCY LEADS
TO STUPIDITY AND OBESITY.

- AND YOU'RE NEITHER,

SO MAYBE YOU COULD BE
A LITTLE COMPLACENT.

- [sighs]

- WOULD YOU BE MORE RELAXED?

- I HATE BEING RELAXED!

GOD, YOU'RE SUCH AN IDIOT,
IT'S IRRITATING.

[knock on door]

- YOU GUYS ABOUT TO SCREW?

- CAN YOU GET OUT OF MY ROOM?
WE'RE DOING HOMEWORK.

- I'M GLAD YOU'RE GETTING IT
REGULARLY.

YOU'RE A LITTLE
LESS OF A BEAST.

DID SHE TELL YOU
ABOUT JENNA

RUBBING ONE OUT
THIS MORNING?

LITTLE BITCH HAD
A LITTLE ITCH.

[laughs]

- IF YOU GIVE US SOME PRIVACY,

I'LL LET YOU USE THE CAR LATER.

- WE HAVE TEN PLACES TO GO
BEFORE THEY CLOSE.

- MOM, YOU SAID
THIS WOULDN'T TAKE LONG.

I'VE GOT A MILLION THINGS
TO DO,

INCLUDING COLLEGE APPS,
A BIOLOGY QUIZ

AT THE END OF THE WEEK--
I AM NOT GOOD AT BIOLOGY.

- YOU'RE PUTTING
TOO MUCH PRESSURE ON YOURSELF.

YOU HAVE TO PRIORITIZE SHOPPING.

OH, SWEETIE,
THERE'S SOMETHING HERE

I THINK YOU COULD USE.

- WHAT COULD I POSSIBLY USE?
OH, GOD!

MOM! NO!

I DON'T NEED YOU
MICROMANAGING ME.

THIS IS MY SENIOR YEAR.
YOU ALREADY HAD YOURS.

SO PLEASE
JUST LET ME HAVE MINE.

- OKAY, WELL,
I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP.

- I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.

I DON'T NEED YOUR TIPS
ON HOW TO DO MY HAIR,

WHAT SHOES TO BUY,
HOW TO DRESS,

AND MOST CERTAINLY
NOT HOW TO MASTURBATE.

- JENNA.

- MATTY.

- LET'S PRETEND
THAT YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME

JUST YELL THE WORD "MASTURBATE,"

AND THAT YOU'RE NOT WEARING
FLORAL BOARD SHORTS

INSIDE AN INDOOR MALL.

- DEAL.
YOU DO REALIZE I'M WORKING?

- OH. RIGHT.

WHEN DID YOU START?
- LAST WEEK.

IT IS THE DUMBEST JOB EVER,
BUT THEY RECRUITED ME.

PLUS MY PARENTS HAVE BEEN
REAL A-HOLES SINCE THE DIVORCE.

THEY KEEP HANGING ALL
THIS MONEY STUFF OVER ME,

SO I FIGURED I'D MAKE
MY OWN MONEY.

- GRANTED, I HADN'T SEEN HIM
ALL SUMMER,

BUT THIS SEEMED SO UN-MATTY,

I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW
WHAT TO SAY.

HOW'S BAILEY?
- SHE'S FINE.

I GUESS. I HAVEN'T SEEN HER
IN A FEW MONTHS.

I'M PRETTY SURE SHE MOVED.

- YOU AND SHE--

- THAT FIZZLED PRETTY FAST
AFTER PROM.

- OH, I THOUGHT YOU AND HER
ARE--

- I JUST WASN'T REALLY
FEELING IT.

- IS THERE, LIKE, ANY STUFF
ON SALE RIGHT NOW?

- I HAVE NO CLUE.

THEY DON'T WANT ME ANSWERING
QUESTIONS ABOUT THE MERCHANDISE.

- SO WHAT IS IT
YOU ACTUALLY DO HERE?

- AH, CODE RED.
YEAH, CODE RED.

- OKAY, WHAT WAS UP WITH MATTY
BEING SINGLE ALL SUMMER?

AND WHY WAS IT BUGGING ME
SO MUCH?

DID JAKE TELL YOU MATTY
WAS SINGLE?

- NO.
- IT'S WEIRD.

I STILL THINK
THERE'S SOMETHING BETWEEN US.

- YEAH, AFTER
LAST YEAR'S LAMENTABLE LEGACY

OF DECEIT, DOUBLE DEALING,
AND DAMAGE,

YOU THINK HE WANTS TO COME BACK
FOR ANOTHER SERVING OF THAT?

YOU NEED TO GET YOUR HOUSE
IN ORDER

BEFORE YOU THINK ABOUT GETTING
A MAN IN YOUR LIFE.

- TELL ME ABOUT IT.

MAY I?

- PLEASE.
- OH.

I AM SO DONE WITH MEN.

AT LEAST HIGH SCHOOL BOYS.

I DON'T [bleep] WHERE I EAT.

A HIGH SCHOOL GUY HAS
A BETTER CHANCE

OF WINNING THE LOTTERY THAN
HE DOES FINDING YOUR G-SPOT.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU HEARD THAT.

- SORRY, I WASN'T TRYING
TO EAVESDROP.

IT'S JUST KIND OF LONELY
BEING THE NEW GIRL,

AND YOU GUYS SEEM LIKE THE ONLY
INTERESTING SENIOR GIRLS.

I MEAN, THAT BIG CHEERLEADER
OVER THERE

SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF ME.

- I DON'T LIKE TO JUDGE,

AND AS CLASS PRESIDENT

IT IS MY OBLIGATION TO
PROTECT ALL OF MY CONSTITUENTS,

BUT SHE'S A "SEE YOU NEXT
TUESDAY" SEVEN DAYS A WEEK.

- WELL, I'VE BEEN
A VICTIM OF BULLYING,

AND I CAN'T REALLY HANDLE
ANY MORE EMOTIONAL SCARRING.

- YOU WERE BULLIED?
- WELL, PEOPLE GET JEALOUS.

I'M SURE YOU GUYS
KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE.

- WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

- I JUST MOVED HERE
FROM THE CITY,

FROM NEW YORK
TO LIVE WITH MY DAD.

SO WHAT HAPPENED
WITH YOUR MAN?

- OH, PLEASE.
HOW MANY HOURS DO YOU HAVE?

- IT'S COMPLICATED,
BUT I'M TRYING TO STAY AWAY

FROM GUY DRAMA
AND FOCUS ON SCHOOL.

SPEAKING OF WHICH,
HAVE YOU SEEN THE COLLEGE APPS?

I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START.
- I DO.

NUMBER ONE, TAKE THE CHEER
EQUIPMENT MANAGER POSITION.

AND NUMBER TWO,
LEARN HOW TO SCHEDULE.

YOU NEED A SEPARATE CALENDAR
FOR EACH CLASS AND ACTIVITY.

AND MAKE SURE YOU SCHEDULE
YOUR FREE TIME, TOO.

SO YOU HAVE BLOCKS OF TIME
FOR HOMEWORK--

30 MINUTES IS OPTIMAL.

FOR EXERCISE
I LIKE 20 MINUTES,

AND FOR SEX WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND,
TEN MINUTES TOPS--

- SHE'S INTENSE.

- THERE'S NO WAY I CAN GET
ANYTHING DONE

WITH EVERY MOMENT
OF MY LIFE SCHEDULED.

IT'S TOO OVERWHELMING.
- I'LL HELP YOU.

- NO, THANKS.
I'D RATHER DO IT ON MY OWN.

- SUIT YOURSELF.
- I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU

I EXPECT YOUR VOTE
FOR CHEER CAPTAIN.

- WHO ELSE IS RUNNING?
- IT DOESN'T MATTER.

IF YOU WANT TO REMAIN
SCHOOL PRESIDENT,

VOTE FOR ME OR I'LL START
IMPEACHMENT PROCEEDINGS.

- EXCUSE ME. ON WHAT GROUNDS?
- I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET.

LUCKILY,
THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY

SINCE YOU'VE DECIDED
TO VOTE FOR ME.

- HI, BLACKBULLYING.

- THAT'S YOUR OWN LITTLE LESSON
ON HOW POLITICS

WORK IN THE REAL WORLD.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

- THERE IS NO WAY I'M DOING
THAT CHEER SQUAD.

THERE ARE PLENTY
OF OTHER CLUBS I CAN JOIN.

[Ways To Phrase a Rejection
by Drowners]

♪

- ♪ I WISH I'D KNOWN YOU
HAD OTHER PLANS FOR ME ♪

♪ ON THOSE THURSDAY NIGHTS
AT SWEET PARADISE ♪

♪ I WAITED PATIENTLY

♪ BUT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR WAYS
TO PHRASE A REJECTION ♪

♪

- DESPERATE TIMES CALLED
FOR VERY DESPERATE MEASURES.

- IF THE SEX FIEND'S GONNA
BE HANDLING THE POM-POMS,

I THINK REGULAR DIPS
IN BLEACH AND VALTREX

WOULD BE PRUDENT.

- WOULD RUIN THE POMS.

- I MEANT FOR JENNA.
- ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE.

IT'S TIME TO ELECT
CHEER CAPTAIN.

NOW THESE BALLOTS ARE ANONYMOUS,
SO REMEMBER,

VOTE YOUR CONSCIENCE,

VOTE YOUR HEART,
VOTE YOUR SOUL.

- EVERYONE JUST VOTE FOR ME,

AND LET'S GET THIS OVER
WITH, OKAY?

- [pants]

I MADE IT!

YAY!

- WHERE WERE YOU?
- AFRICA.

IT WAS SO NEAT.

WE SPREAD THE WORD ALL OVER
THE DARK CONTINENT.

- THERE'S SOMETHING REALLY NASTY
STUCK IN YOUR HAIR.

- MY LITTLE BROTHER SPIT UP
ON THE PLANE.

WE ADOPTED A LITTLE BROTHER.

HE WAS A HEATHEN,
AND WE TOTALLY SAVED HIM.

YAY!

- RACING ACROSS THE GLOBE
TO MAKE CHEER PRACTICE--

WOW, THAT SETS
THE SCHOOL SPIRIT BAR SKY-HIGH.

- UP WHERE JESUS IS.
- MM-HMM.

GOOD WORK, LISSA.

- THANKS.
I'M HUMBLED.

- ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE,
WRITE DOWN

YOUR PICK FOR CHEER CAPTAIN.

ANOTHER FOR LISSA.

GOOD CHOICE, TRINA.

WOW, THIS IS A TIGHT RACE.

IN FACT, IT'S DEAD EVEN.

- LISSA DOESN'T EVEN WANT
TO BE CHEER CAPTAIN.

- WELL,
IF I'M CALLED TO SERVE,

I GUESS I'D HAVE NO CHOICE.

- JENNA,
THE EQUIPMENT GIRL,

MAY I HAVE YOUR BALLOT,
PLEASE?

- I GET A VOTE?
- NO, YOU DON'T.

YOU'RE JUST
THE TEAM'S BITCH-SLAVE.

- ACTUALLY, YOU DO.

THIS IS A DEMOCRACY,
AND BITCH-SLAVES GET TO VOTE.

- AND THE WINNER IS...

DRUM ROLL, PLEASE.

JENNA,
THERE'S A DRUM IN THERE.

- [clears throat]

[playing drum roll]

- THE WINNER IS...

LISSA!

LISSA IS YOUR
NEW CHEER CAPTAIN.

- YAY!
- LISSA!

- YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?

TREACHERY!

I BLAME YOU.
AND YOU.

AND MOST ESPECIALLY YOU,
YOU SLUNT!

THIS IS THE STUPIDEST,

SADDEST,
LAMEST CHEER SQUAD EVER!

[whimpers]

[screams]

- YEP, CHEER WAS DEPRESSING,

AND MY SCHOOL SPIRIT WAS
IN A FREE FALL.

I HAD A TON OF WORK TO DO,
AND THE LAST THING

I WANTED TO DEAL
WITH WAS SENIOR SLEEPOVER.

- YAY, SENIOR SLEEPOVER!

YOU ARE GONNA
HAVE SO MUCH FUN.

WHY AREN'T YOU IN YOUR JAMMIES?
WHERE'S YOUR BAG?

- I'M REALLY
NOT FEELING UP TO IT.

I WAS OKAY WITH BEING SINGLE.

JUST NOT AT SENIOR SLEEPOVER.

AND NOT WITH MATTY THERE.

MAYBE BECAUSE PART OF ME

ALWAYS THOUGHT
WE'D BE GOING TOGETHER.

- JENNA, THIS IS YOUR ONE
AND ONLY SENIOR SLEEPOVER EVER.

YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS IT.

MINE WAS SO MUCH FUN.

IN FACT, IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
THE NIGHT YOU WERE CONCEIVED.

- I THOUGHT IT WAS
AT THE BONFIRE.

- ROMANTIC VERSION, IT
COULD'VE BEEN ANYWHERE, REALLY.

THE BONFIRE,
THE SENIOR SLEEPOVER,

THE DRESSING ROOM
AT CONTEMPO CASUALS.

YOUR FATHER COULDN'T KEEP
HIS HANDS OFF OF ME.

I WAS HOT STUFF.
I'D KILL TO GO BACK.

- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO
IN MY PLACE?

YOU WOULDN'T.

- OH, JUST WATCH ME.

- MOVIES, CHECK.
REFRESHMENTS, CHECK.

SPRINKLERS OFF, CHECK.
WHAT AM I FORGETTING?

- TO RELAX.
- I CAN'T BE LAX ABOUT ANYTHING!

- I SAID, "RELAX."

- WHAT LANGUAGE
ARE YOU SPEAKING?

- [over loudspeaker]
WELCOME TO SENIOR SLEEPOVER.

WE'RE HERE TO HAVE FUN,
BUT TO DO SO

WHILE FOLLOWING THE RULES.

HERE ARE THE RULES--

NO ALCOHOL.
[all cheering]

NO SEX.

ONE PERSON PER SLEEPING BAG.

NO DOUBLE BAGGING.

NO TEA BAGGING, NO BJs,

NO JBs, NO JKs,

NO KKs, NO LOLs.

NO NUDITY.

NO MOTORBOATING, NO ROWBOATING,
[all cheering]

NO WATER SPORTS AT ALL,
WHATSOEVER.

NO DUNKING THE BISCUIT,

FLOGGING THE BISHOP,
OR WINDING THE WIMPLE,

NO REACH-AROUNDS,
NO LICKETY SPLITS,

NO SALAD-TOSSING,

NO SNACKING BETWEEN MEALS.

AND NO WARM WATERMELONS.

GOT IT?
NOW GET IT!

[all cheering]

- I DON'T GET IT!

I'VE NEVER ASKED
ANYTHING OF YOU, LISSA.

SO JUST RESIGN,
I'LL BE CHEER CAPTAIN,

AND LIFE WILL GO ON.
- I DON'T KNOW, SADIE,

IT SEEMS WRONG.

- WHAT'S WRONG
IS YOU TAKING SOMETHING

THAT ISN'T YOURS.

- BUT PEOPLE VOTED FOR ME.

I WAS CALLED.

[cell phone chimes]

HI.
- LISSA.

IT'S ME CALLING YOU

TO TELL YOU
TO GIVE THE [bleep] UP.

- OH, GA--

KYLE!

HAND CHECK!

[over loudspeaker]
NO VIDEO GAMES,

NO HUNGER GAMES,

NO MONKEY BUSINESS,

NO "PIN THE TAIL
ON THE DONKEY,"

AND NO PLUSHIES WHATSOEVER.

- ♪ SHE IS GORGEOUS,
YOUNG, AND SWEET ♪

♪ OH, OH

- CAN I CAMP OUT WITH YOU GUYS?

I ALREADY TOOK
MY MUSCLE RELAXERS,

SO I'LL BE OUT SOLID
FOR, LIKE, 12 HOURS.

- SURE.
- HEY.

I'M EVA.
I'M THE NEW GIRL.

I THINK WE HAVE
THE SAME MATH CLASS TOGETHER.

- OH. YEAH.
WOW. MATH.

I'M JAKE.
- AND I'M MATTY.

THAT'S GOTTA BE ROUGH,
SWITCHING SCHOOLS SENIOR YEAR.

- DO YOU HAVE ANY
ABSINTHE OR MELATONIN?

I HAVEN'T SLEPT ON THE GROUND
SINCE MY PARENTS MADE US

SPEND THAT ONE SUMMER
AT AN ASHRAM IN INDIA.

- OH, YEAH.
WOW, INDIA.

- WE SMOKED OPIUM

AND DID YOGA ALL DAY
AND GOT REALLY DEEP INTO TANTRA.

- I'VE HEARD OF THAT.

- I'M TELLING YOU,

TANTRA IS ALL YOU NEED
TO KNOW

FOR MIND-BLOWING SEX.

TANTRA WILL RELEASE
THE FIRE-BREATHING DRAGON

IN YOUR VAGINA.

- OKAY!

TIME FOR EVERYONE'S FAVORITE

HIGH SCHOOL
MUSICAL MASTERPIECES,

FROM GREASETO HAIRSPRAY!

[upbeat music]

♪

- PINK FLAMINGOS?
WTF IS PINK FLAMINGOS?

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
HAIRSPRAY!

- IT'S JUST A DIFFERENT
JOHN WATERS MOVIE.

IT'S PROBABLY THE SAME THING.

- WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE

IS A REAL THING.
[cheerful music plays]

- WELL, THIS IS DIFFERENT.

- AT LEAST IT'S NOT
A HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL.

OR TWILIGHT.

DO YOU REMEMBER
YOU MADE ME TAKE YOU

TO SEE THAT?
- OKAY.

WELL, YOU MADE ME SIT
THROUGH

ALL THREE TRANSFORMERSMOVIES.

- "OH, BELLA!"

"EDWARD."
"BELLA."

- OKAY,
I'M A HOPELESS ROMANTIC.

- WELL, DON'T BE
A HOPELESS ONE.

♪

OH!

[crowd booing,
screaming]

- HEY, WATCH THE MOVIE!

HEY! HEY! HEY!

- WHAT IS THIS [bleep] SHOW

THAT IS LITERALLY
A [bleep] SHOW?

- OH, COME ON!

[crowd booing]

- YO! YO! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

- I SAID MOVIE MAGIC,
NOT MOVIE TRAGIC!

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY
SWEET, ROMANTIC

TEEN HIGH SCHOOL
MUSICAL COMEDIES?

- YOU NEED TO TAKE THAT
SICK MUSICAL COMEDY FETISH

OF YOURS OUT BACK AND PUT
A BULLET IN ITS HEAD.

- THESE PEOPLE NEED SOME REAL
JOHN WATERS IN THEIR LIVES.

- YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE PEOPLE
NIGHTMARES!

both: OOH.

- WELL, AT LEAST THEIR
NIGHTMARES

WILL BE INTERESTING
INSTEAD OF SOME

SICK HIGH SCHOOL MUSICALTRASH!

- ARE THOSE CANNABIS LOLLIPOPS?

NO DRUGS OR ALCOHOL ALLOWED!

ARE YOU TRYING TO SPOIL THIS
FOR EVERYONE?

- WE HAVE PRESCRIPTIONS.
- WE NEED IT FOR THE ANXIETY

YOU'RE GIVING US RIGHT NOW.

- PUT ON SOMETHING ELSE.

PLEASE.

both: BASKET CASE!

- I'M NOT GOING TO BE THREATENED
BY SOME ADOLESCENT PUNK

WITH A SMOLDERING GRUDGE,

UNLESS YOU'VE GROWN SOMETHING
ELSE YOU WANT TO CUT OFF.

WHAT'S IN THE BASKET?

- [screams]

[cheers and applause]

- [laughs]
- HORROR IS NOT MY GENRE.

- THEN LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

COME ON.

- [sighs]
- WHAT'S WRONG?

- EVERYTHING.

EVERYTHING IS WRONG.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PRESSURE
I'M UNDER?

PHOTO FIASCO, FILTHY FLICKS,

COLLEGE TRAPPLICATIONS,
CHEER JEER--

ALL THIS TENSION IS BUILDING UP
AND, NO OFFENSE,

BUT THE BIG "O"
HAS BEEN A BIG NO-SHOW

IN THE JAKE AND TAMARA
HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL.

- HUH?
- JAKE, HOW MANY TIMES,

IF YOU HAD TO GUESS,
DO YOU THINK WE'VE HAD SEX?

- A THOUSAND?
- CLOSE.

101.
AND OUT OF THOSE 101 TIMES,

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU
HAD AN ORGASM?

- 101. DUH.

IT'S PROBABLY MORE
LIKE 125.

SOMETIMES I HAVE A TWO-FER.

WHY? HOW MANY HAVE YOU HAD?

- MAYBE HALF.
- SO LIKE 60?

- ACTUALLY, HALF OF 101
IS ACTUALLY 50.5,

HOW ARE WE SO CLOSE
IN CLASS RANK?

ANYWAY, NO.

I HAVEN'T HAD 50.5 ORGASMS.

MORE LIKE
50 HALF-GASMS.

- "HALF-GASMS"?
JESUS, TAMARA.

JUST TELL ME
WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

- I DON'T KNOW.
I'M NOT A SEXPERT.

- WELL, LET'S FIGURE IT OUT.

- AWFUL LOT OF STUFF
GOING ON UP THERE.

- A BUCKETLOAD OF STARS.

- AND WE'RE JUST ON THIS
TINY, SPINNING BALL OF CLAY.

KIND OF MAKES ME FEEL LIKE
ALL THIS

COLLEGE STUFF
I'VE BEEN STRESSING ABOUT

ISN'T THAT EARTH-SHATTERING.

- THE LAST TIME I CHECKED,
THE EARTH WAS STILL HERE.

YEP.

STILL ONE BIG OLD CHUNK.

- YOU LIKE THAT?

- NO. IT'S PORNY.

- HOW ABOUT THAT? HUH?

OH, COME ON, BABY,
IT'S HOT, RIGHT?

TAMARA, YOU GOTTA TELL ME--

- IT'S OKAY,
JUST NOT THE TALKING.

AND WILL YOU EASE UP
DOWN THERE?

YOU'RE NOT TOUCHING ANYTHING
THAT HAS SENSATION.

- [grunts]
- [groans]

- [over loudspeaker]
WHAT WAS THAT?

- IT'S NO USE!
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET ME OFF!

[laughter]

- GOOD MORNING,
PALOS HILLS SENIORS!

THIS IS YOUR LIFE.

TIME TO PUT THE SHAKE UP
IN YOUR WAKE UP

AND MAKE...IT...HAPPEN!

- WELL, THIS IS
AN EMBARRASSMENT OF GLITCHES.

MY SECRET SHAME-OUT
IS NOW A PUBLIC FLAME-OUT.

- RELAX, TAMARA.
NO ONE KNOWS IT WAS YOU.

- "OH, JAKE."
[groans]

- I'LL CUT YOU, DUDE!

YOU NEED TO LET GO OF SHAME

AND JUST GET TO KNOW
YOUR OWN BODY.

- OH, NO, I AM NOT
INTO TICKLING MY FANCY.

- WELL, IF YOU DON'T KNOW
YOUR OWN BODY,

THEN HOW DO YOU EXPECT
SOME GUY TO?

- OH, YOU CAN CATCH.

NOW SHOW ME
IF YOU CAN ALSO FETCH.

YOU SHOULD FEEL RIGHT AT HOME
IN THERE.

- MY LITTLE BROTHER'S HERE.

COME AND MEET HIM.
COME ON.

HI, MOMMY.

- HI, BABY.
- WHERE'S YOUR LITTLE BROTHER?

- OH, HE'S IN THE BACKSEAT.
HE'S FINISHING HIS BOTTLE.

- [British accent]
THIS WATER IS SO LUXURIOUS.

LIGHTLY CARBONATED,

NATURAL BLACKBERRY ESSENCE,
ELECTROLYTES--

GOD TRULY HAS
BLESSED AMERICA.

- HIS NAME IS MUGABO.
BUT WE CALL HIM TYLER.

- YOU MUST BE SADIE.

LISSA SPEAKS SO HIGHLY OF YOU.

- OKAY, YOU'RE LIKE 40.

- [chuckles]
ONLY 18.

- WE THINK OF HIM
AS JUST TWO MONTHS

BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN HE MET US,

WAS SAVED AND BORN AGAIN--
PRAISE BE.

- WHAT RELIGION EXACTLY
WERE YOU SAVED FROM?

WORSHIPPING FERTILITY IDOLS?

FIRE WALKING?

- ACTUALLY MY FAMILY'S CATHOLIC,
BUT I DID ATTEND

THE ANGLICAN CHURCH WHEN
I WENT TO SCHOOL IN ENGLAND.

- AND WE ARE SO HAPPY
TO HAVE TYLER IN OUR FOLD NOW.

- I AM VERY MUCH
LOOKING FORWARD

TO A YEAR
IN AMERICAN HIGH SCHOOL.

IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE.
- [giggles]

- WHILE SOME DREAMS
WERE COMING TRUE,

MY LIFE WAS A NIGHTMARE.

EVEN LISSA HAD IT TOGETHER--

A WAY HIGHER CLASS RANK
THAN ME, CHEER CAPTAIN,

AND A VERY HOT
CHARITABLE ENDEAVOR.

I HAD TO GET WITH THE PROGRAM.

THE FIRST ITEMS ON MY
TO-DO LIST WERE PRETTY BASIC--

ONE, MAKE TO-DO LIST.

TWO, SUCK IT UP.

THREE, FOCUS.
NUMBER THREE WAS HARD.

'CAUSE I KEPT THINKING
ABOUT HOW NICE

IT WAS SLEEPING
ON THE GRASS NEXT TO MATTY.

NUMBERS FOUR, FIVE, AND SIX,
CHOOSE COLLEGES TO APPLY TO,

FILL OUT COMMON APPLICATION,
WRITE ESSAY.

IT WAS A LOT EASIER
TO THINK ABOUT

HOW MATTY SMELLED
LIKE SOAP AND SWEAT AND--

WHAT WAS NUMBER THREE AGAIN?

FOCUS. FOCUS.
FOCUS. FOCUS.

BUT IT WAS TOO OVERWHELMING.
IT WAS TOO MUCH.

IT WAS--IT WAS--

[groans]

- OH, GOD, AGAIN!
- OH, GOD, SWEETHEART!

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GETTING A LOCK!

- I'M PREPARING FOR COLLEGE!

- AH, SO PROUD OF YOU, SWEETIE.

AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT
YOUR WORK CUT OUT FOR YOU.

HMM?
- YEAH.

WELL, SO FAR,
I'VE ONLY FILLED OUT MY ADDRESS.

NEXT QUESTION IS
"WHAT ARE YOU GOOD AT?"

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?

- YOU'RE GOOD AT LOTS OF THINGS.
- LIKE WHAT?

- LIKE TONS OF STUFF.
LIKE...

UH...

- YOU'RE GOOD AT...

BEING INTERESTING.

- AND YOU'RE A GOOD WRITER.

'CAUSE YOU'RE FUNNY AND SMART.

"NAME SOMETHING YOU HATE
AND WHY?

"ANSWERING STUPID QUESTIONS
FOR COLLEGES

"I PROBABLY WON'T GET INTO

BECAUSE I WAS STONED
TAKING THE S.A.T.s"?

- YOU CAN'T USE THAT, JENNA.

WERE YOU REALLY STONED

THE DAY
THAT YOU TOOK THE SATs?

- SADLY, NO.

- JUST COME UP WITH FUN
AND INTERESTING ANSWERS

FOR THESE ESSAYS.
- YEAH.

A LITTLE ORIGINALITY
IN YOUR ANSWERS

WILL HELP YOU STAND OUT
FROM A BUNCH

OF BORING OVERACHIEVERS.

- YOUR WORDS
ARE YOUR OPPORTUNITY

TO SHOW THESE COLLEGES
WHO YOU ARE--

- AND WHO THEY'D BE MISSING
OUT ON

IF THEY CHOSE A SMARTER KID.

- HMM.

[laid-back music]

♪

- ♪ I'M NOT MYSELF
I'M SO ♪

- THEY SAY THAT THE FIRST STEP
IN FIXING A PROBLEM

IS TO ADMIT
YOU'RE POWERLESS OVER IT.

OR MAYBE THAT'S JUST
WITH DRUGS AND ALCOHOL,

I DON'T KNOW--BUT IT SEEMED
RIGHT JUST THE SAME.

I JUST HAD TO DO IT.

AND SUDDENLY
IT JUST CAME SPEWING OUT,

LINE AFTER LINE,
PARAGRAPH AFTER PARAGRAPH.

I'D HAVE TO CHANGE THE NAMES,
BUT I COULD DO THIS.

I WAS SUCCEEDING.

BECAUSE, NOT TO TOOT
MY OWN HORN,

BUT I AM SORT OF INTERESTING.

AND BEST OF ALL,
I WAS FOCUSED.

[knock on door]

- HEY.

- HEY.

- HOPE THIS ISN'T WEIRD.

[chuckles]

BEEN A WHILE SINCE
I'VE BEEN AT THIS DOOR.

- YEAH.

- SHOULD--SHOULD I GO BACK OUT
AND COME TO THE FRONT?

- THAT'D BE KIND OF WEIRD
SINCE YOU'RE ALREADY HERE.

- YEAH.

- COME IN.

YOU CAN SIT DOWN OR WHATEVER.

- ON THE BED?
- YEAH.

OR THE CHAIR OR SOMETHING.

HE CHOSE THE BED.

AND I HAD A FEELING
MY NEW-FOUND FOCUS

WAS ABOUT TO GO FUZZY.

BUT MAYBE THAT WASN'T ENTIRELY
A BAD THING.

ALL WRITERS NEED A MUSE.

MAYBE A LITTLE MATTY
DISTRACTION ACTION

WOULD FURTHER FUEL
MY NEW LITERARY FIRE.

PERHAPS IT WAS TIME
FOR A LITTLE STUDY BREAK.

- SO...

COULD YOU HELP ME
WITH MY ESSAYS?

- HUH?

- THESE STUPID COLLEGE ESSAYS
ARE SO LAME.

"WHAT AM I GOOD AT?"

[laughs]
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

- THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE?

YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU
WITH YOUR ESSAYS?

- YOU'RE A PRETTY DECENT WRITER.
- "PRETTY DECENT"?

I SUDDENLY HAD A ZERO TOLERANCE
POLICY FOR DISTRACTION ACTION.

YOU KNOW, MATTY, I'VE GOT
MY OWN COLLEGE ESSAY QUESTIONS

TO ANSWER, AND MY OWN FUTURE
TO WORRY ABOUT,

BECAUSE, IN CASE
YOU HADN'T HEARD, I'M 137.

- OKAY.

SORRY I ASKED.

- TCBing--
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS--

MEANT WAKING UP IN MY CLOTHES
WITH A STIFF NECK

AND FEELING A LITTLE DEJECTED

THAT MATTY HAD COME TO ME
FOR HELP

WITH HIS ESSAY
AND NOT FOR--WELL, ME.

BUT AT LEAST I HAD GOTTEN
SOMETHING ACCOMPLISHED.

BABY STEPS.

[melancholy music]

♪

- OH, CRAP.

[phone chimes]
OH.

OH, [bleep] ME.
[spits]

[chiming continues]

- I HAD
A REALLY PRODUCTIVE NIGHT.

- JENNA, I'M A LITTLE BUSY.

- WHY DO YOU SOUND SO UPTIGHT?

- BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN UP
ALL NIGHT DEALING

WITH STUDENT HANDBOOK REVISIONS
BECAUSE, APPARENTLY,

I'M THE ONLY ELECTED OFFICIAL
IN THIS SCHOOL

WHO KNOWS
HOW TO MULTITASK,

NOT TO MENTION
THE ONLY CHEERLEADER

WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS
HOW TO WRITE A CHEER,

AND THE ONLY AFS MEMBER
WHO KNOWS

THAT A BRAZILIAN EXCHANGE
STUDENT

CAN'T READ A SPANISH TEXTBOOK.

OH,
AND I'M THE ONLY GIRLFRIEND

WHO TOLD A FOOTBALL FIELD
FULL OF SENIORS

THAT HER BOYFRIEND,
WHO IS BARELY SPEAKING TO HER,

CAN'T GET HER OFF!

THAT IS WHY I'M SO UPTIGHT!

- YOU SERIOUSLY
NEED TO CHILLAX.

- I DON'T KNOW HOW!

[toothbrush buzzing]

- ♪ WAKE UP EARLY
IN THE MORNING ♪

♪ AND I'M WAITING
FOR THE SUN TO RISE ♪

- OH. HELLO.

- I HAD ME SOME CHEERY Os
FOR THIS MORNING.

- ♪ WHOA, OH-OH

♪ WHOA, OH-OH,
SHINE THE LIGHT ♪

- HEY.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU WEREN'T
BEING SATISFIED,

YOU COULD'VE JUST TOLD ME.

- I DID.
- I MEANT

NOT OVER A LOUDSPEAKER.

- NOBODY KNOWS IT WAS US.

- I SO DIDN'T NEED TO HEAR

THAT YOUR SEX LIFE
IS SEX DEATH.

NOT SURPRISED.

BUT STILL, KEEP THAT NASTINESS

TO YOURSELF, PLEASE.

- CLEARLY TAMARA'S
GPS-ING OF HER G-SPOT

WASN'T ENOUGH TO RELIEVE
THE ONGOING TENSION.

WHICH LEFT ME WONDERING
IF I'D BEEN TOO HARSH

WITH MATTY LAST NIGHT.

HEY, I'M SORRY ABOUT THE WAY
I HANDLED THINGS LAST NIGHT.

I'VE JUST GOT A LOT
ON MY PLATE--

- YES, WE ALL DO.
JENNA, IT'S COOL.

I GOTTA GET TO CLASS.

- SO WAS HE BLOWING ME OFF
BECAUSE HE THOUGHT

I'D BLOWN HIM OFF?

I WAS CONFUSED.

BUT I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO BE,

BECAUSE I WAS WORKING
MY WAY DOWN THE LIST,

AND I HAD TO HURRY IF
I WAS GONNA FIX MY LIFE.

[knock on door]

- IT'S ALMOST 7:00.
AREN'T YOU GONNA EAT?

- I CAN'T,
I HAVE TO FINISH THIS ESSAY

AND MAKE SURE IT CAPTURES
THE ESSENCE OF MY BRAND.

- THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS.
YOUR "BRAND"?

JENNA, YOU CAN'T FIX
EVERYTHING OVERNIGHT.

YOU NEED TO EAT.
- BUT I HAVE TO WORK.

- WE'LL HAVE A WORKING DINNER.

- WE'RE IN, LIKE,
THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

- GOT A JOBSITE
RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER,

BEST FOOD TRUCKS
IN THE CITY, RIGHT HERE.

YOU'VE GOT KABOBS,
YOU'VE GOT CHINESE.

OOH, BRATS AND BEER.

[cell phone vibrates]

- HI, JAKE.

- HEY, SHOULD I COME OVER?
- NOW?

I HAVE A LOT OF STUFF TO DO.
LIKE, PILES OF STUFF.

I DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME
TO BRUSH MY TEETH.

- HMM.

THE BLUTWURST LOOKS GOOD,
BUT THE WEISSWURST

LOOKS PRETTY KILLER, TOO.

OR WOULD YOU RATHER JUST
GO WITH THE CLASSIC BRAT?

- I'M SORRY,
WE DON'T SERVE PEOPLE

WITH STUPID HATS OR MAN-BUNS.

AND WAX IS FOR CANDLES,
NOT MOUSTACHES.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

- SADIE?

- YOU BREATHE ONE WORD OF THIS,
HAMILTOE, ONE WORD,

AND I WILL [bleep] YOU UP.

- AS I WATCHED SADIE
HOCKING GERMAN WIENERS

IN THAT RIDICULOUS,
MUSTARD-STAINED UNIFORM,

I REALIZED SOMETHING.

WE ALL HAD VERY FULL PLATES.

NOT JUST ME.

DAD, GIVE ME A MINUTE.

[gentle music]

♪

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE,
HAMILPERV?

AND WHERE DIDN'T YOU SEE ME?

- WHAT'S GOING ON?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE RICH AGAIN.

THE TWITTER THING?

- ARE YOU REALLY SO STUPID

THAT YOU BUY THAT ANYONE
BESIDES KIM KARDTRASHIAN

CAN EARN MONEY FROM
SOME STUPID TWITTER PLUGS?

- THE WHOLE SCHOOL BOUGHT IT.
- YEAH.

NOT A BRIGHT BUNCH.

IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS,

BUT MY PARENTS
ARE STILL POOR,

AND I'M STUCK WITH
THAT PICKLED TROLL, ALLY,

AND I HATE ASKING HER
FOR MONEY.

- WELL, WHAT ABOUT
THE MERCEDES?

- OH, PLEASE.

[car chirps]

- COME ON. I NEED TO TAN.

- I'M NOT YOUR CHAUFFEUR.
- ACTUALLY, YOU ARE.

IT'S THE REASON I LET YOU DRIVE
MY SWEET BABY BENZ.

- ACTUALLY,
THAT'S NOT THE REASON.

YOU KNOW WHERE
THE TANNING SALON IS.

DRIVE YOURSELF.

I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO.

- OH.

- AND BY THE WAY, I DON'T NEED
YOUR STUPID CAR ANYMORE.

- OH, SHUT UP AND BLOW.

- [exhales]

[car beeping]

THAT'S RIGHT.

[engine turns]

- DO YOU NEED A RIDE?

IF ANY OF US WERE EVER GOING

TO DEAL WITH
WHAT WAS ON OUR PLATES

AND BECOME THE ADULTS
WE WANTED TO BE,

WE WERE GOING TO HAVE
TO BE SMART ABOUT IT.

THERE WAS STILL A BUNCH OF
THINGS WE NEEDED TO LEARN--

WE NEEDED TO LEARN
WHEN TO ASK FOR HELP...

[hopeful music]

WHEN TO ACCEPT HELP...

AND MOST OF ALL,
WHEN TO HELP SOMEONE ELSE.

♪

HEY.

- COME ON IN.

I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS.

- IT'S COOL.
I'M A "PRETTY DECENT" WRITER.

AND I'LL DO MY BEST TO MAKE YOU
NOT SOUND LIKE A TEENAGE GIRL.

- [laughs]

- I'M SORRY IF
I SOUNDED BITCHY EARLIER.

I'VE BEEN KIND OF STRESSED.

- IT'S KIND OF A STRESSFUL YEAR.

♪

NEXT ON AWKWARD...
- HIDE ME

I DON'T WANT JAKE TO ASK ME
WHAT I THINK OF THIS VIDEO.

I HAVE NO POKER FACE.
- HOLD ON.

WHEN DID I SAY
I WANTED TO BE A COUPLE?

I TOLD YOU,
I'M NOT OVERTHINKING THIS.

- YOU'RE NOT?
SO I LISTENED TO YOUR NEW SONG,

AND NO JK--IT'S THE REALS.
- WE NEED TO TALK.

- IF HE WANTS TO TALK, WE'LL
TALK--I'M NOT GONNA PUSH IT.

YOU KNOW, YOU'VE BEEN IGNORING
ME, AND I'M JUST WONDERING WHY.

- THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU.