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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,611 --> 00:00:03,916 - PREVIOUSLY ON AWKWARD... 2 00:00:03,916 --> 00:00:06,528 - ONE A DAY KEEPS THE BABY AWAY. 3 00:00:06,528 --> 00:00:08,486 - OH, YES. 4 00:00:08,486 --> 00:00:09,922 - NO ONE WANTS TO BE AROUND ME. 5 00:00:09,922 --> 00:00:12,838 AT SCHOOL, EVERYONE HATES ME. 6 00:00:12,838 --> 00:00:15,928 - I'’M CRAZY ABOUT YOU. 7 00:00:20,455 --> 00:00:21,804 - THERE WERE CERTAIN THINGS IN MY LIFE 8 00:00:21,804 --> 00:00:23,588 I ALWAYS WANTED TO KEEP TO MYSELF. 9 00:00:23,588 --> 00:00:26,678 FOR EXAMPLE, MY SECRET FOR SHINY HAIR, 10 00:00:26,678 --> 00:00:31,640 MY RIDICULOUS SUPERSTITIONS... 11 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:34,730 AND MY BIRTH CONTROL PILLS. 12 00:00:34,730 --> 00:00:38,386 [ominous music] 13 00:00:38,386 --> 00:00:40,649 - [whispering] HOW DID HE FIND THEM? 14 00:00:40,649 --> 00:00:41,954 - I THINK I LEFT THEM IN THE GUEST BATH. 15 00:00:41,954 --> 00:00:43,739 - DON'’T WORRY. 16 00:00:43,739 --> 00:00:45,088 I GOT THIS. 17 00:00:45,088 --> 00:00:46,176 [yelling] WHAT ARE THESE? 18 00:00:46,176 --> 00:00:47,743 - YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE ARE. 19 00:00:47,743 --> 00:00:49,701 - I CAN EXPLAIN. 20 00:00:49,701 --> 00:00:52,269 - HA HA, JENNA, I KNOW HOW BIRTH CONTROL WORKS. 21 00:00:52,269 --> 00:00:54,228 WHY DIDN'’T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE ON THE PILL? 22 00:00:54,228 --> 00:00:56,491 - IT'’S A SURPRISE. 23 00:00:56,491 --> 00:00:59,102 ACTUALLY, FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY... [giggles] 24 00:00:59,102 --> 00:01:01,931 THREE MONTHS AGO. 25 00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:02,627 BUT WE SHOULDN'’T BE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION 26 00:01:02,627 --> 00:01:04,281 IN FRONT OF JENNA. 27 00:01:04,281 --> 00:01:06,544 - I AGREE. GONNA TAKE MY BREAKFAST ON THE GO. 28 00:01:06,544 --> 00:01:08,416 - LACE? 29 00:01:08,416 --> 00:01:10,505 WHY ARE WE STILL USING CONDOMS? 30 00:01:12,855 --> 00:01:15,727 JENNA! 31 00:01:15,727 --> 00:01:17,294 [typing] 32 00:01:17,294 --> 00:01:19,514 [crash] 33 00:01:19,514 --> 00:01:21,342 - IN THAT MOMENT, 34 00:01:21,342 --> 00:01:23,735 MY DAD WENT THROUGH ALL FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF 35 00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:26,086 FOR THE LOSS OF HIS ONLY DAUGHTER'’S VIRGINITY. 36 00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:27,783 DENIAL. 37 00:01:27,783 --> 00:01:30,307 ANGER. 38 00:01:30,307 --> 00:01:32,483 BARGAINING. 39 00:01:32,483 --> 00:01:35,225 DEPRESSION. 40 00:01:35,225 --> 00:01:38,707 ACCEPTANCE. 41 00:01:38,707 --> 00:01:41,144 - [types on keypad] - WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 42 00:01:41,144 --> 00:01:43,581 - LOOKING UP MATTY'’S PARENTS'’ NUMBER IN THE ONLINE DIRECTORY. 43 00:01:43,581 --> 00:01:44,713 - HE ADDED ONE MORE: 44 00:01:44,713 --> 00:01:45,888 BROADCASTING. 45 00:01:45,888 --> 00:01:47,194 MOM, DON'’T LET HIM DO THIS. 46 00:01:47,194 --> 00:01:49,892 - KEVIN...DON'’T DO THIS. 47 00:01:49,892 --> 00:01:51,328 - REALLY? THAT'’S THE BEST YOU CAN DO? 48 00:01:51,328 --> 00:01:53,156 DAD, PLEASE THINK BEFORE YOU ACT. 49 00:01:53,156 --> 00:01:55,419 - I AM THINKING BEFORE I ACT. 50 00:01:55,419 --> 00:01:57,029 BECAUSE IF I WERE TO ACT BEFORE THINKING 51 00:01:57,029 --> 00:01:58,118 MATTY WOULD BE DEAD. 52 00:01:58,118 --> 00:01:59,945 I'’M CALLING. 53 00:01:59,945 --> 00:02:01,469 THEY NEED TO KNOW THAT THEIR SON IS HAVING SEX. 54 00:02:01,469 --> 00:02:03,601 - I AGREE WITH YOUR FATHER. - WHAT? 55 00:02:03,601 --> 00:02:04,994 - WELL, IT'’S JUST GOOD PARENTING, JENNA. 56 00:02:04,994 --> 00:02:06,038 - I DON'’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU GUYS ARE MAKING 57 00:02:06,038 --> 00:02:07,823 SUCH A BIG DEAL OF THIS. 58 00:02:07,823 --> 00:02:10,826 YOU BOUGHT ME CONDOMS. YOU KNEW WHAT COULD HAPPEN! 59 00:02:10,826 --> 00:02:13,655 - I CAN SEE HOW THAT IS A CONFUSING MESSAGE TO SEND HER. 60 00:02:13,655 --> 00:02:16,005 - THE CONDOMS WERE A PREEMPTIVE STRIKE 61 00:02:16,005 --> 00:02:17,746 TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU'’D BE SAFE 62 00:02:17,746 --> 00:02:20,009 WHENTHE TIME CAME, 63 00:02:20,009 --> 00:02:22,054 WHICH I HOPED WAS WELL INTO YOUR 20s. 64 00:02:22,054 --> 00:02:23,708 - THAT MAKES NO SENSE. 65 00:02:23,708 --> 00:02:25,275 - IT DOESN'’T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE TO YOU! 66 00:02:25,275 --> 00:02:26,798 IT ONLY HAS TO MAKE SENSE TO ME! 67 00:02:26,798 --> 00:02:29,627 I'’M YOUR FATHER! - HE'’S RIGHT. 68 00:02:29,627 --> 00:02:31,803 EVEN THOUGH IT REALLY DOESN'’T MAKE SENSE TO ME. 69 00:02:31,803 --> 00:02:34,937 - DAD, PLEASE DON'’T DO-- MOM, HELP ME, HELP ME. 70 00:02:34,937 --> 00:02:36,939 - KEVIN... - HANG UP, HANG UP, HANG UP... 71 00:02:36,939 --> 00:02:38,593 - JUST PUT DOWN THE PHONE. - HANG UP, HANG UP. 72 00:02:38,593 --> 00:02:39,376 PLEASE, I AM BEGGING YOU, HANG UP THE PHONE! 73 00:02:39,376 --> 00:02:41,073 - HELLO, THIS IS KEVIN HAMILTON, 74 00:02:41,073 --> 00:02:43,032 JENNA'’S DAD. 75 00:02:43,032 --> 00:02:47,167 I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD KNOW OUR CHILDREN ARE HAVING SEX. 76 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,908 CALL ME BACK IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS. 77 00:02:49,908 --> 00:02:54,043 - YOU LEFT A VOICE MAIL? 78 00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:55,958 [overlapping chattering] 79 00:02:55,958 --> 00:03:00,267 - FOLLOW THE SOUND OF THE CLAPPING NOISE, MONKEYS. 80 00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:01,572 SINCE WE HAD TO SKIP LUNCH 81 00:03:01,572 --> 00:03:03,139 TO SQUEEZE IN THIS EXTRA PRACTICE, 82 00:03:03,139 --> 00:03:04,880 I'’LL KEEP MY NOTES SHORT. 83 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:07,883 KATIE, YOU'’RE HYPER-EXTENDING YOUR RUSSIANS. 84 00:03:07,883 --> 00:03:10,102 NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR FLYING "V." 85 00:03:10,102 --> 00:03:13,105 TOBIN, YELL FROM YOUR DIAPHRAGM. 86 00:03:13,105 --> 00:03:14,498 YOU KNOW, THAT PLACE THAT'’S LOCATED 87 00:03:14,498 --> 00:03:16,370 DIRECTLY UNDER YOUR ITTY-BITTIES? 88 00:03:16,370 --> 00:03:18,676 AND JESSICA, 89 00:03:18,676 --> 00:03:19,982 YOU NEED TO SKIP A FEW MORE LUNCHES. 90 00:03:19,982 --> 00:03:24,378 [overlapping chattering] 91 00:03:24,378 --> 00:03:25,814 - SHUT THE [bleep] UP 92 00:03:25,814 --> 00:03:27,642 AND LET'’S START WITH PARTNER STUNTS! 93 00:03:27,642 --> 00:03:29,557 LISSA! 94 00:03:29,557 --> 00:03:30,862 - [peppy] READY, OKAY. 95 00:03:30,862 --> 00:03:32,429 [whistle blows] 96 00:03:32,429 --> 00:03:34,301 - WHAT THE HELL IS EVERYONE GOSSIPING ABOUT? 97 00:03:34,301 --> 00:03:36,346 IS THE THE RICKY SCHWARTZ BULL[bleep] AGAIN? 98 00:03:36,346 --> 00:03:38,305 LIKE, I MURDERED HIM? 99 00:03:38,305 --> 00:03:41,612 '’CAUSE IF IT IS, THIS [bleep] IS GETTING REALLY OLD. 100 00:03:41,612 --> 00:03:43,048 - UH, NO, NO. [laughs] 101 00:03:43,048 --> 00:03:44,963 THAT'’S NOT IT. 102 00:03:44,963 --> 00:03:47,357 ONE, TWO. 103 00:03:47,357 --> 00:03:50,012 - THEN WHAT THE HELL IS IT? 104 00:03:50,012 --> 00:03:51,535 - NOTHING. 105 00:03:51,535 --> 00:03:54,016 - YOU WANT ME TO WALK INTO A LOW BRANCH? 106 00:03:54,016 --> 00:03:56,845 - EVERYONE'’S TALKING ABOUT HOW YOUR PARENTS ARE BROKE. 107 00:03:56,845 --> 00:03:58,063 [screams, thud] 108 00:03:58,063 --> 00:03:59,326 - IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. 109 00:03:59,326 --> 00:04:01,676 I LEFT MY PILLS IN THE GUEST BATH. 110 00:04:01,676 --> 00:04:03,634 - OOH, THAT REMINDS ME, I REALLY NEED TO GET ON THE PILL. 111 00:04:03,634 --> 00:04:05,593 - ARE YOU GUYS HAVING SEX? - NOT YET. 112 00:04:05,593 --> 00:04:07,899 BUT SOON, AND THEN JAKE-ARA 113 00:04:07,899 --> 00:04:09,336 WILL FINALLY HAVE SOMETHING OVER JAKE-ENNA. 114 00:04:09,336 --> 00:04:10,902 THERE'’S JUST ONE THING KEEPING ME 115 00:04:10,902 --> 00:04:12,469 FROM BEING THE FIRST LADY OF HUMP CITY. 116 00:04:12,469 --> 00:04:13,514 I'’M WAITING FOR HIM TO SAY "I LOVE YOU." 117 00:04:13,514 --> 00:04:15,255 - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 118 00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:16,299 HE SAYS "JE T'’AIME" ALL THE TIME. 119 00:04:16,299 --> 00:04:18,170 - NOT THE SAME THING. 120 00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:19,302 HE SAID "JE T'’AIME" WHEN WE WERE ABROAD. 121 00:04:19,302 --> 00:04:21,043 AND HE WAS IN A FRANCE-TRANCE. 122 00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:22,566 AND HE ONLY SAYS IT NOW BECAUSE HE ALREADY SAID IT, 123 00:04:22,566 --> 00:04:24,176 AND IT'’S STRONGER THAN AN "I LIKE YOU," 124 00:04:24,176 --> 00:04:25,526 BUT NOT QUITE AN "I LOVE YOU," 125 00:04:25,526 --> 00:04:26,483 WHICH IS AS HIGH AS YOU CAN GO LOVE-WISE. 126 00:04:26,483 --> 00:04:27,876 - I'’M SURE HE'’LL SAY IT SOON. 127 00:04:27,876 --> 00:04:29,312 [shutter clicks] 128 00:04:29,312 --> 00:04:31,532 - MY LAST PRE-SEX SELFIE. 129 00:04:31,532 --> 00:04:33,229 - YOU KNOW IT'’S A MYTH THAT YOU LOOK DIFFERENT AFTER. 130 00:04:33,229 --> 00:04:34,317 - UM, YOU LOOKED DIFFERENT. 131 00:04:34,317 --> 00:04:35,884 - I CALL SHENANIGANS. 132 00:04:35,884 --> 00:04:38,060 I DIDN'’T TELL YOU UNTIL WEEKS LATER. 133 00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:39,975 - BUT I KNEW SOMETHING CHANGED, AND IT WASN'’T YOUR BANGS, 134 00:04:39,975 --> 00:04:42,412 BECAUSE THOSE HAVE BEEN THE SAME SINCE 1998. 135 00:04:44,806 --> 00:04:47,069 - WELL, I HOPE, WHEN YOU DO HAVE SEX, 136 00:04:47,069 --> 00:04:49,245 YOUR DAD DOESN'’T CALL HIS DAD TO ANNOUNCE IT. 137 00:04:49,245 --> 00:04:50,638 HOW AM I GONNA WARN MATTY? 138 00:04:50,638 --> 00:04:52,379 - JUST BLURT IT OUT, AND THEN BOLT. 139 00:04:52,379 --> 00:04:55,338 THAT'’S HOW I TOLD MY MOM I BROKE HER VIBRATOR. 140 00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:56,557 I THOUGHT IT WAS A NECK MASSAGER. 141 00:04:56,557 --> 00:04:58,863 ANYWAY, GOOD LUCK, GOTTA RUN. [laughs] 142 00:04:58,863 --> 00:05:00,735 SEE, JUST LIKE THAT. 143 00:05:00,735 --> 00:05:03,912 [tense music] 144 00:05:03,912 --> 00:05:06,523 ♪♪ 145 00:05:06,523 --> 00:05:09,439 - HEY. 146 00:05:09,439 --> 00:05:11,746 - HEY, SO MY DAD CALLED YOUR PARENTS 147 00:05:11,746 --> 00:05:12,529 AND TOLD THEM WE'’RE HAVING SEX. 148 00:05:12,529 --> 00:05:14,096 GOTTA GO, BYE. 149 00:05:14,096 --> 00:05:17,534 - WHAT? ALL THIS EXTRA PRACTICE WAS FOR NOTHING. 150 00:05:17,534 --> 00:05:19,319 - IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. - WE HAVE TO CALL THE ALTERNATE. 151 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,755 NO WAY LISSA'’S GOING TO RECOVER. 152 00:05:20,755 --> 00:05:21,930 SHE'’LL BE OUT THE WHOLE SEASON. 153 00:05:21,930 --> 00:05:23,714 - WE'’RE NOT CALLING THE ALTERNATE. 154 00:05:23,714 --> 00:05:25,760 THAT IS THE FINAL WORD. 155 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:27,936 - ACTUALLY, IT'’S NOT THE FINAL WORD, 156 00:05:27,936 --> 00:05:29,329 BECAUSE I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY. 157 00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:31,983 THE P.H.H.S. CHEER BYLAWS 158 00:05:31,983 --> 00:05:34,029 DO ALLOW FOR AN ALTERNATE SUBSTITUTE 159 00:05:34,029 --> 00:05:38,163 IN CASE OF INJURY, FAILING GRADES, OR POLIO. 160 00:05:38,163 --> 00:05:39,469 THEY WERE WRITTEN IN THE '’50s. 161 00:05:39,469 --> 00:05:41,558 - GUYS, I'’M SURE I'’LL BE FINE. 162 00:05:41,558 --> 00:05:42,733 I JUST NEED TO GET ON MY FEET. 163 00:05:42,733 --> 00:05:44,822 COULD SOMEBODY HELP ME UP? 164 00:05:44,822 --> 00:05:46,389 [indistinct radio chatter] 165 00:05:46,389 --> 00:05:47,477 - LISTEN TO ME. 166 00:05:47,477 --> 00:05:49,000 LISSA CHEERED AT NATIONALS 167 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:50,306 THE DAY AFTER A BIRD FLEW INTO HER FACE 168 00:05:50,306 --> 00:05:51,568 ON A ROLLER COASTER. 169 00:05:51,568 --> 00:05:53,353 WE DO NOT NEED THE ALTERNATE. 170 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,355 - I'’LL BE FINE! 171 00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:56,617 [class bell rings] - ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP. 172 00:05:56,617 --> 00:05:57,966 I WANT TO CONGRATULATE ALL OF YOU 173 00:05:57,966 --> 00:05:59,576 FOR INSPIRING ME... 174 00:05:59,576 --> 00:06:01,839 TO COME UP WITH A WHOLE NEW GRADING SYSTEM. 175 00:06:01,839 --> 00:06:03,798 THAT'’S RIGHT: LETTERS WOULD NOT SUFFICE. 176 00:06:03,798 --> 00:06:06,278 I HAD TO USE WORDS. 177 00:06:06,278 --> 00:06:08,716 "CANCEROUS." 178 00:06:08,716 --> 00:06:10,500 "NAUSEATING." 179 00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:12,589 UH, "DEBILITATING." 180 00:06:12,589 --> 00:06:14,243 UH, NICE ONE. 181 00:06:14,243 --> 00:06:17,507 "SELF-INFLICTED GUNSHOT WOUND TO THE HEAD." 182 00:06:17,507 --> 00:06:20,380 I KNOW IT'’S MORE THAN ONE WORD, BUT IT WAS EARNED. 183 00:06:23,295 --> 00:06:24,775 ARE YOU MY "HOPELESS"? 184 00:06:24,775 --> 00:06:29,998 [paper rustling] 185 00:06:29,998 --> 00:06:33,349 LET'’S GO. 186 00:06:37,048 --> 00:06:38,659 [slam] 187 00:06:41,009 --> 00:06:42,227 OKAY, THERE YOU GO. 188 00:06:42,227 --> 00:06:44,665 - MY ESSAY IS... 189 00:06:44,665 --> 00:06:48,103 "PLODDEN-TORY"? 190 00:06:48,103 --> 00:06:49,713 IS THAT EVEN A WORD? - I HAD TO CREATE A WORD. 191 00:06:49,713 --> 00:06:51,976 TO DESCRIBE YOUR PIECE OF [bleep]. 192 00:06:51,976 --> 00:06:54,414 BECAUSE "PIECE OF [bleep]" JUST SOUNDS MEAN. 193 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:55,806 NOW THIS ONE, 194 00:06:55,806 --> 00:06:57,721 THIS IS "ILLUMINATING." 195 00:06:57,721 --> 00:06:59,288 WOULD YOU CARE TO REGALE US WITH A BIT OF YOUR ESSAY? 196 00:06:59,288 --> 00:07:01,072 - [thinking] GIVEN MY RECENT PRIVATE HUMILIATION, 197 00:07:01,072 --> 00:07:03,553 IT WAS NICE TO HAVE SOME PUBLIC RECOGNITION. 198 00:07:03,553 --> 00:07:05,076 - ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? DO ME A FAVOR. 199 00:07:05,076 --> 00:07:07,470 DON'’T READ IT. I CAN'’T HEAR IT ALOUD. 200 00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:08,863 IT HURTS ME TOO MUCH. 201 00:07:08,863 --> 00:07:10,212 - BUT YOU SAID IT WAS ILLUMINATING. 202 00:07:10,212 --> 00:07:12,867 - YES, BECAUSE IT OPENED MY EYES 203 00:07:12,867 --> 00:07:14,521 TO HOW BAD YOUR WRITING CAN BE. 204 00:07:14,521 --> 00:07:17,437 THE REASON YOU'’RE A TERRIBLE WRITER 205 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:20,048 IS BECAUSE YOU BELONG TO "GENERATION WHATEVER." 206 00:07:20,048 --> 00:07:21,528 YOU ONLY KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS YOURSELF 207 00:07:21,528 --> 00:07:24,661 WITH ABBREVIATIONS, MISSPELLINGS. 208 00:07:24,661 --> 00:07:27,229 YOU'’VE TURNED PUNCTUATION INTO PICTURE BOOKS. 209 00:07:27,229 --> 00:07:29,100 MISS HAMILTON, 210 00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:32,103 IT'’S TIME YOU MAKE ME FEEL SOMETHING. 211 00:07:32,103 --> 00:07:34,715 YOU HAVE TO DIG DEEPER. 212 00:07:34,715 --> 00:07:36,630 TELL ME SOMETHING THAT'’S NOT EASY. 213 00:07:36,630 --> 00:07:41,678 WITH WORDS, NOT EMOTICONS. 214 00:07:41,678 --> 00:07:45,987 MR. JENNINGS, "PROMISING." 215 00:07:45,987 --> 00:07:47,423 - "PROMISING" AS IN YOU WANT ME TO PROMISE 216 00:07:47,423 --> 00:07:49,294 NEVER TO PUT PEN TO PAPER AGAIN? 217 00:07:49,294 --> 00:07:51,253 - NO, "PROMISING" AS IN 218 00:07:51,253 --> 00:07:52,950 "I WANTED TO READ MORE ABOUT WHAT YOU HAD TO SAY." 219 00:07:52,950 --> 00:07:55,300 AND I HAVE TO SAY, NOT TO SOUND LIKE A CREEPER, 220 00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:57,259 BUT I REALLY FELT LIKE I WAS IN THAT HOTEL ROOM WITH YOU. 221 00:07:57,259 --> 00:07:59,087 WHEN YOUR MOTHER'’S FRIEND WAS SEDUCING YOU... 222 00:07:59,087 --> 00:08:00,958 IT WAS TITILLATING. 223 00:08:00,958 --> 00:08:02,264 - UGH. 224 00:08:02,264 --> 00:08:04,484 [class bell rings] 225 00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,486 - SO YOUR DAD CALLED MY PARENTS 226 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,052 AND SAID WE WERE HAVING SEX. 227 00:08:08,052 --> 00:08:10,968 - HE'’S SO TRANSPARENT. - WHAT? YOUR DAD? 228 00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:13,405 - NO, THIS GUY IN MY CLASS, COLLIN. 229 00:08:13,405 --> 00:08:15,146 - MY DAD, HE'’S GONNA KILL ME. 230 00:08:15,146 --> 00:08:16,191 - I DON'’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS. 231 00:08:16,191 --> 00:08:17,714 SO HE SLEPT WITH AN OLDER WOMAN. 232 00:08:17,714 --> 00:08:18,498 - WHOSE DAD ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? 233 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:19,890 - NO, STILL COLLIN. 234 00:08:19,890 --> 00:08:21,762 MR. HART LIKED HIS PAPER AND NOT MINE. 235 00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:23,546 - WHAT EXACTLY DID HE SAY? 236 00:08:23,546 --> 00:08:25,113 - HE SAID IT WAS "ILLUMINATING." 237 00:08:25,113 --> 00:08:26,506 - YOU WENT INTO DETAIL ABOUT OUR SEX TO YOUR DAD? 238 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,420 - NO, I MEANT MY PAPER. 239 00:08:28,420 --> 00:08:30,205 AND, NO, I DIDN'’T. 240 00:08:30,205 --> 00:08:32,424 AND MY DAD DIDN'’T SPEAK TO ANYONE. 241 00:08:32,424 --> 00:08:34,862 HE...LEFT A MESSAGE. 242 00:08:34,862 --> 00:08:36,341 - WHAT NUMBER DID HE CALL? 243 00:08:36,341 --> 00:08:37,517 - THE ONE FROM THE STUDENT DIRECTORY. 244 00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:38,779 - NICE. [claps hands together] 245 00:08:38,779 --> 00:08:40,563 IT'’S A LANDLINE. 246 00:08:40,563 --> 00:08:42,391 THEY NEVER USE IT, AND I CAN DELETE IT FROM HERE. 247 00:08:42,391 --> 00:08:44,306 - I WAS GRATEFUL THAT MATTY COULD ERASE MY DAD'’S MESSAGE 248 00:08:44,306 --> 00:08:46,134 AND PUT THE WHOLE THING TO BED, 249 00:08:46,134 --> 00:08:47,527 SO TO SPEAK. 250 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:48,571 - DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS? 251 00:08:48,571 --> 00:08:50,399 OR THIS? 252 00:08:50,399 --> 00:08:53,576 THESE ARE PHOTOS OF WARTS AND LESIONS 253 00:08:53,576 --> 00:08:55,012 ON A VAGINA. 254 00:08:55,012 --> 00:08:56,753 - DAD, OUR FOOD WILL BE HERE SOON. 255 00:08:56,753 --> 00:09:00,452 CAN WE, UM, PUT AWAY THE INFECTED...GENITALIA? 256 00:09:00,452 --> 00:09:01,671 - I WISH WE COULD. 257 00:09:01,671 --> 00:09:03,412 BUT YOU NEED TO BE AWARE 258 00:09:03,412 --> 00:09:05,588 OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN NOW THAT YOU AND MATTY 259 00:09:05,588 --> 00:09:07,982 ARE ENGAGING IN SEXUAL INTERCOURSE. 260 00:09:07,982 --> 00:09:09,810 AND, YOU KNOW, THE MORE INTERCOURSE THAT YOU HAVE... 261 00:09:09,810 --> 00:09:11,551 - PLEASE STOP SAYING "INTERCOURSE." 262 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,901 - THE HIGHER YOUR CHANCES ARE TO HAVE A VAGINA 263 00:09:13,901 --> 00:09:15,163 THAT LOOKS LIKE THIS. 264 00:09:15,163 --> 00:09:16,556 [doorbell rings] 265 00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:19,036 - DAD, GOT THE MESSAGE. 266 00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:24,825 AND APPARENTLY, SO DID MATTY'’S PARENTS. 267 00:09:30,308 --> 00:09:32,833 - WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY TO MR. AND MRS. HAMILTON? 268 00:09:32,833 --> 00:09:38,360 - I'’M SORRY I-I TOOK YOUR DAUGHTER'’S VIRGINITY. 269 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:40,754 - THANK YOU. 270 00:09:40,754 --> 00:09:42,451 - JENNA? 271 00:09:42,451 --> 00:09:43,887 - WHAT? 272 00:09:43,887 --> 00:09:45,933 - [softly] APOLOGIZE. 273 00:09:45,933 --> 00:09:48,718 - [softly] FOR WHAT? 274 00:09:48,718 --> 00:09:52,504 I AM SORRY FOR... 275 00:09:52,504 --> 00:09:55,551 LETTING HIM...TAKE IT? 276 00:09:55,551 --> 00:09:57,858 - OKAY. 277 00:09:57,858 --> 00:10:00,643 I THINK THAT ABOUT TAKES CARE OF THAT, HMM? 278 00:10:00,643 --> 00:10:02,514 - WE APPRECIATE THE PHONE CALL. [doorbell rings] 279 00:10:02,514 --> 00:10:04,604 - OH, UH, SORRY. CHINESE. 280 00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:06,170 [laughs nervously] 281 00:10:06,170 --> 00:10:08,346 HI! 282 00:10:08,346 --> 00:10:09,870 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 283 00:10:13,525 --> 00:10:15,179 [sighs] 284 00:10:15,179 --> 00:10:17,268 - OKAY, LET'’S GO. - YES. 285 00:10:17,268 --> 00:10:18,356 - YOU'’RE WELCOME TO STAY FOR DINNER. 286 00:10:18,356 --> 00:10:19,401 - NO, WE CAN'’T. 287 00:10:19,401 --> 00:10:20,576 MY MOM HAS... 288 00:10:20,576 --> 00:10:22,099 SALMON THAWING AT HOME. - OH. 289 00:10:22,099 --> 00:10:23,057 - THANK YOU FOR THE INVITATION. 290 00:10:23,057 --> 00:10:24,449 WE COULDN'’T IMPOSE. 291 00:10:24,449 --> 00:10:27,017 - [scoffs] IT'’S NOT AN IMPOSITION. 292 00:10:27,017 --> 00:10:28,671 - I DO LIKE CHINESE. 293 00:10:30,847 --> 00:10:34,198 - OKAY. - ALL RIGHT. 294 00:10:34,198 --> 00:10:35,852 - OKAY. 295 00:10:37,767 --> 00:10:40,248 - WHAT...IS...HAPPENING? 296 00:10:40,248 --> 00:10:42,206 - THIS IS WHAT'’S GONNA HAPPEN. 297 00:10:42,206 --> 00:10:43,686 FOR THE NEXT FEW GAMES... [overlapping chattering] 298 00:10:43,686 --> 00:10:46,036 WE DO MOSTLY CHANTS, BUT NOT LAME ONES. 299 00:10:46,036 --> 00:10:48,952 AND WHEN WE BUILD, WE DO THREE TURTLE TUBS 300 00:10:48,952 --> 00:10:50,214 WITH ONE DRAGON ROLL IN FRONT OF IT. 301 00:10:50,214 --> 00:10:53,043 CAN EVERYONE CALM THE [bleep] DOWN NOW? 302 00:10:53,043 --> 00:10:55,698 - I SHOULD BE BACK BY THIS WEEKEND. 303 00:10:55,698 --> 00:10:58,614 DOES ANYONE HAVE SOME FOOD? 304 00:10:58,614 --> 00:11:00,224 [whimpers] 305 00:11:00,224 --> 00:11:01,617 - YOU KNOW, I'’M ABOUT LISSA'’S SIZE. 306 00:11:01,617 --> 00:11:04,315 IF YOU WANT ME TO STEP IN... 307 00:11:04,315 --> 00:11:05,621 - I DON'’T THINK TEACHERS CAN BE ON THE SQUAD. 308 00:11:05,621 --> 00:11:08,363 - CHEERLEADER LAW IS FLUID IN SOME AREAS. 309 00:11:08,363 --> 00:11:10,974 AND, YES, FACULTY CAN STEP IN IN CASES OF INJURY, 310 00:11:10,974 --> 00:11:13,324 PREGNANCY, OR BEAR FEVER. 311 00:11:13,324 --> 00:11:14,761 - I THINK WE SHOULD PUT IT TO A VOTE. 312 00:11:14,761 --> 00:11:16,588 ALL THOSE IN FAVOR OF AN ALTERNATE... 313 00:11:16,588 --> 00:11:18,634 - NO VOTE. 314 00:11:18,634 --> 00:11:21,985 I AM THE CAPTAIN. 315 00:11:21,985 --> 00:11:23,421 - YOU'’RE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO BUY YOUR WAY 316 00:11:23,421 --> 00:11:26,555 OUT OF THIS ONE, SADIE. 317 00:11:26,555 --> 00:11:29,819 - ALL THOSE IN FAVOR OF CALLING THE ALTERNATE? 318 00:11:29,819 --> 00:11:31,038 OPPOSED? 319 00:11:34,824 --> 00:11:37,479 - I'’M RAISING MY HAND. 320 00:11:37,479 --> 00:11:40,482 - COME ON. HOW BAD CAN THIS ALTERNATE BE? 321 00:11:40,482 --> 00:11:41,483 - [screams] 322 00:11:41,483 --> 00:11:44,007 I'’M A CHEERLEADER! 323 00:11:44,007 --> 00:11:45,792 [line rings] 324 00:11:45,792 --> 00:11:46,880 - HEY, IT'’S JENNA. 325 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:47,881 LEAVE A MESSAGE. [beep] 326 00:11:47,881 --> 00:11:49,491 - I GOT THE CALL. 327 00:11:49,491 --> 00:11:50,797 AND NOW YOU'’RE GETTING THE CALL-CALL. 328 00:11:50,797 --> 00:11:53,364 [screams] 329 00:11:53,364 --> 00:11:54,365 [line rings] 330 00:11:54,365 --> 00:11:56,324 - HEY, BABE. 331 00:11:56,324 --> 00:11:57,934 - SO I WAS TOTALLY READY TO DO IT WITH YOU. 332 00:11:57,934 --> 00:11:59,457 BUT I WAS WAITING ON SOMETHING. 333 00:11:59,457 --> 00:12:01,459 BUT THAT WAS BEFORE I WAS MADE A CHEERLEADER. 334 00:12:01,459 --> 00:12:02,939 AND RIGHT NOW, I AM TOO EXCITED TO WAIT. 335 00:12:02,939 --> 00:12:04,941 - WHAT? - I AM A CHEERLEADER! 336 00:12:04,941 --> 00:12:07,291 I'’M READY. OKAY? 337 00:12:07,291 --> 00:12:08,379 - OKAY! 338 00:12:15,125 --> 00:12:17,127 - SO WHEN Y-- 339 00:12:17,127 --> 00:12:19,564 WHEN YOU GOT KEVIN'’S MESSAGE, 340 00:12:19,564 --> 00:12:21,958 I GUESS IT WAS QUITE A SHOCK, HUH? 341 00:12:21,958 --> 00:12:23,046 - WELL, AHEM, YES AND NO. 342 00:12:23,046 --> 00:12:25,527 I MEAN, I'’VE FOUND THINGS. 343 00:12:25,527 --> 00:12:27,964 AND BY "THINGS," I MEAN "CONDOM WRAPPERS." 344 00:12:27,964 --> 00:12:29,531 - MOM. - WELL, ON THE ONE HAND, 345 00:12:29,531 --> 00:12:31,185 YOU KNOW IT'’S GONNA HAPPEN EVENTUALLY. 346 00:12:31,185 --> 00:12:33,796 ON THE OTHER-- "WRAPPERS"? 347 00:12:33,796 --> 00:12:35,972 THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF CONDOMS. 348 00:12:35,972 --> 00:12:39,280 HAVE YOU HAD MULTIPLE PARTNERS? 349 00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:40,977 - YEAH. 350 00:12:40,977 --> 00:12:42,631 - HOW MANY PARTNERS HAVE YOU HAD? 351 00:12:42,631 --> 00:12:44,067 - [thinking] MAYBE SOME THINGS WEREMEANT TO GO PUBLIC. 352 00:12:44,067 --> 00:12:46,504 YEAH, HOW MANY? - AH, A FEW. 353 00:12:46,504 --> 00:12:49,943 - TWO? - THREE. 354 00:12:52,075 --> 00:12:54,077 [mouths] 355 00:12:54,077 --> 00:12:55,862 - [sighs, clears throat] 356 00:12:55,862 --> 00:12:59,082 "SOMETHING PRIVATE... 357 00:12:59,082 --> 00:13:00,736 WILL BECOME PUBLIC." 358 00:13:00,736 --> 00:13:02,216 WELL, THAT'’S DEAD ON. 359 00:13:02,216 --> 00:13:03,565 - YOU KNOW WHAT FORTUNE COOKIES MEAN? 360 00:13:03,565 --> 00:13:05,001 DINNER'’S OVER. 361 00:13:05,001 --> 00:13:06,437 [all muttering] 362 00:13:06,437 --> 00:13:08,875 - [clears throat] - THANK YOU. YEAH. 363 00:13:08,875 --> 00:13:10,267 - WE SURE ARE GLAD TO MEET YOU. 364 00:13:10,267 --> 00:13:11,442 - THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR DINNER. 365 00:13:11,442 --> 00:13:13,053 - WE WILL DO IT AGAIN SOMETIME. 366 00:13:13,053 --> 00:13:15,751 - ALMOST OVER. - HOMESTRETCH. 367 00:13:15,751 --> 00:13:16,883 - AND NEXT TIME WE'’LL HAVE BETTER DINNER CONVERSATION 368 00:13:16,883 --> 00:13:18,667 THAN OUR KIDS'’ SEX LIVES. 369 00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:19,973 [all laugh nervously] 370 00:13:19,973 --> 00:13:21,757 - HEY, WE ALL WANT THE SAME THING, 371 00:13:21,757 --> 00:13:22,802 AND THAT IS TO NOT BE GRANDPARENTS 372 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,412 FOR AT LEAST TEN MORE YEARS. 373 00:13:24,412 --> 00:13:26,327 [nervous chuckles] 374 00:13:26,327 --> 00:13:28,895 - DON'’T WORRY, JENNA WON'’T GET PREGNANT. 375 00:13:28,895 --> 00:13:29,765 I PUT HER ON THE PILL. 376 00:13:29,765 --> 00:13:30,940 [laughs] 377 00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:34,204 [door slams] 378 00:13:34,204 --> 00:13:36,424 - OH, MY GOD! WE'’RE GONNA DO IT! 379 00:13:36,424 --> 00:13:37,904 I'’VE TOTALLY BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT 380 00:13:37,904 --> 00:13:39,427 FOR, LIKE, AT LEAST A YEAR. 381 00:13:39,427 --> 00:13:41,995 IN MINUTES, I'’M NOT GONNA BE A VIRGIN ANYMORE. 382 00:13:41,995 --> 00:13:43,431 THIS BLINDFOLD, IS THIS PART OF IT? 383 00:13:43,431 --> 00:13:44,606 ARE YOU KINKY? 384 00:13:44,606 --> 00:13:45,868 MAYBE I'’M GONNA BE KINKY. 385 00:13:45,868 --> 00:13:47,435 OH, MY GOD! I'’M SO EXCITED! 386 00:13:47,435 --> 00:13:51,134 [upbeat rock music] 387 00:13:51,134 --> 00:13:53,267 ♪♪ 388 00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:58,054 [crying] 389 00:13:58,054 --> 00:13:59,664 - LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. 390 00:13:59,664 --> 00:14:01,841 SO YOU TOOK YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER 391 00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,233 TO GET BIRTH CONTROL PILLS? 392 00:14:03,233 --> 00:14:06,149 - WELL...YES. 393 00:14:06,149 --> 00:14:06,976 - AND HERE I WAS THINKING YOU WERE CONCERNED 394 00:14:06,976 --> 00:14:09,326 ABOUT OUR CHILDREN HAVING SEX. 395 00:14:09,326 --> 00:14:10,762 - MATTY HAS CONDOMS. - I DIDN'’T BUY THEM. 396 00:14:10,762 --> 00:14:13,591 - NO...I DID. 397 00:14:13,591 --> 00:14:15,593 - SO YOU PUT YOUR DAUGHTER ON THE PILL, 398 00:14:15,593 --> 00:14:17,552 AND YOU BOUGHT MY SON CONDOMS. 399 00:14:17,552 --> 00:14:19,859 YOU'’RE ENCOURAGING OUR KIDS TO BE PROMISCUOUS. 400 00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,556 - NO, TO BE SAFE. 401 00:14:21,556 --> 00:14:23,732 - NOTHING GOOD CAN COME FROM TEENAGERS HAVING SEX. 402 00:14:23,732 --> 00:14:25,299 - ACTUALLY, I DID. 403 00:14:25,299 --> 00:14:26,430 - THEY HAD JENNA WHEN THEY WERE TEENAGERS, MOM. 404 00:14:26,430 --> 00:14:28,041 LET IT GO. 405 00:14:28,041 --> 00:14:29,259 - MATTHEW DON'’T SPEAK TO ME THAT WAY. 406 00:14:29,259 --> 00:14:30,521 I'’M YOUR MOTHER. - WE NEED TO GO. 407 00:14:30,521 --> 00:14:32,175 - OUR KIDS ARE HAVING SEX. 408 00:14:32,175 --> 00:14:33,960 IT'’S NOT LIKE THEY'’RE DOING DRUGS. 409 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:35,396 - [softly] MATTY'’S BROTHER WENT TO REHAB! 410 00:14:35,396 --> 00:14:37,224 - WHY WOULD YOU VIOLATE OUR FAMILY'’S PRIVACY? 411 00:14:37,224 --> 00:14:38,921 - MOM, EVERYONE KNOWS. - THANKS TO YOU, 412 00:14:38,921 --> 00:14:41,184 BECAUSE YOU CAN'’T EVER KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. 413 00:14:41,184 --> 00:14:42,098 - HEY, MATTY'’S A GOOD KID. 414 00:14:42,098 --> 00:14:43,970 DON'’T TAKE THIS OUT ON HIM. 415 00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:45,667 - WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO TALK TO ME ABOUT MY SON? 416 00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:47,190 - I'’M JUST TRYING TO HELP. - LISTEN, HONEY. 417 00:14:47,190 --> 00:14:49,105 I'’M GLAD YOU'’RE ALL LOOSEY-GOOSEY 418 00:14:49,105 --> 00:14:51,064 AND HIPPIE-DIPPIE IN THIS HOUSE, 419 00:14:51,064 --> 00:14:52,500 BUT WE DON'’T CONDONE RISKY BEHAVIOR. 420 00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:53,980 - I AM LUCKY THAT MY DAUGHTER CAME TO ME 421 00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:56,112 AND SAID THAT SHE WAS HAVING SEX, 422 00:14:56,112 --> 00:14:59,159 THAT SHE FELT COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO SEEK MY GUIDANCE. 423 00:14:59,159 --> 00:15:01,422 CLEARLY, YOUR SON CAN'’T DO THE SAME. 424 00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:03,554 - CLEARLY, WE'’RE DIFFERENT KINDS OF PEOPLE. 425 00:15:03,554 --> 00:15:05,034 HOW ABOUT YOU WORRY ABOUT YOUR FAMILY, 426 00:15:05,034 --> 00:15:07,863 I'’LL WORRY ABOUT MINE. 427 00:15:07,863 --> 00:15:09,125 - AND THANK YOU FOR THE CHINESE. 428 00:15:09,125 --> 00:15:10,735 - COME ON. - YOU'’RE WELCOME. 429 00:15:10,735 --> 00:15:12,999 - I'’M SO SORRY, MRS. HAMILTON. I AM-- 430 00:15:12,999 --> 00:15:15,740 - OH, HONEY, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. 431 00:15:15,740 --> 00:15:16,959 - [sighs] 432 00:15:19,875 --> 00:15:21,790 - AND I AM NOT A HIPPIE. 433 00:15:21,790 --> 00:15:23,183 WHAT HIPPIE DO YOU KNOW HAS FAKE BOOBS? 434 00:15:28,188 --> 00:15:30,233 - [sobbing] 435 00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:31,931 - YOUR MOM SAID THAT I COULD COME IN, 436 00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:33,584 AND THAT IT'’D BE OKAY TO SHUT THE DOOR. 437 00:15:33,584 --> 00:15:35,499 - GO AWAY, AND TAKE YOUR SEX VAN WITH YOU. 438 00:15:35,499 --> 00:15:36,979 - I'’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE. 439 00:15:36,979 --> 00:15:39,068 JUST TELL ME WHAT'’S WRONG. 440 00:15:39,068 --> 00:15:42,202 - THE BLANKETS, THE ROSE PETALS, 441 00:15:42,202 --> 00:15:44,856 THE FREAKING MOONLIGHT ROMANCE. 442 00:15:44,856 --> 00:15:46,336 THE AIR FRESHENER. 443 00:15:46,336 --> 00:15:47,816 - OH, I'’M SORRY. 444 00:15:47,816 --> 00:15:49,035 IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED? 445 00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:51,559 I USED CALYPSO PARADISE. - YEAH! 446 00:15:51,559 --> 00:15:53,561 AND THAT'’S THE ONLY THING THAT'’S DIFFERENT! 447 00:15:53,561 --> 00:15:56,433 - I'’M REALLY LOST. 448 00:15:56,433 --> 00:15:57,695 - FROM JENNA'’S EXPERIENCE WITH YOU. 449 00:15:57,695 --> 00:15:59,436 I'’M ALWAYS SECOND BEST. 450 00:15:59,436 --> 00:16:01,047 I'’M THE ALTERNATE CHEERLEADER 451 00:16:01,047 --> 00:16:02,962 AND THE ALTERNATE GIRLFRIEND. 452 00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:04,224 - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 453 00:16:04,224 --> 00:16:05,442 - EVERYONE KNOWS THAT MINIVAN THING 454 00:16:05,442 --> 00:16:06,966 IS WHAT YOU HAD PLANNED 455 00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:08,837 WHEN YOU WERE GONNA HAVE SEX WITH JENNA. 456 00:16:08,837 --> 00:16:10,447 IT WAS IN HER BLOG! 457 00:16:10,447 --> 00:16:12,536 - BUT JENNA AND I DIDN'’T DO IT. - I KNOW. 458 00:16:12,536 --> 00:16:15,670 BUT YOU REHASHED. 459 00:16:15,670 --> 00:16:19,935 YOU DIDN'’T PLAN ANYTHING SPECIAL FOR ME. 460 00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:22,242 - UH, LOOK. 461 00:16:22,242 --> 00:16:23,547 I'’M A GUY. 462 00:16:23,547 --> 00:16:25,941 AND SO...I HAD THIS WHOLE FANTASY 463 00:16:25,941 --> 00:16:28,596 OF MYFIRST TIME. 464 00:16:28,596 --> 00:16:30,293 I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE SO COOL. 465 00:16:30,293 --> 00:16:32,556 - REALLY? A MINIVAN? 466 00:16:32,556 --> 00:16:36,604 - TAMARA, I WANT YOU AND ONLY YOU 467 00:16:36,604 --> 00:16:38,562 TO BE MY FIRST. 468 00:16:38,562 --> 00:16:40,825 SO WHATEVER YOU WANT, THAT'’S WHAT WE'’LL DO. 469 00:16:40,825 --> 00:16:44,699 - WELL, I'’VE ALWAYS WANTED IT TO BE IN A HOTEL. 470 00:16:44,699 --> 00:16:45,830 - OH, YES. 471 00:16:45,830 --> 00:16:48,398 YES, GREAT! 472 00:16:48,398 --> 00:16:50,487 - AND THEN WE CAN BE AS LOUD AS WE WANT, 473 00:16:50,487 --> 00:16:52,402 AND NO ONE WILL WALK IN ON US, 474 00:16:52,402 --> 00:16:54,752 AND WE CAN PUT SOFT MUSIC ON THE TV. 475 00:16:54,752 --> 00:16:55,840 - AND HOW ABOUT A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE 476 00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:57,277 CHILLING IN AN ICE BUCKET? 477 00:16:57,277 --> 00:16:58,756 - YES, AND THEN WE CAN DO THAT THING 478 00:16:58,756 --> 00:17:00,584 WHERE WE INTERTWINE OUR ARMS AND DRINK THE CHAMPAGNE. 479 00:17:00,584 --> 00:17:01,585 - AND THEN WE GO OUT ON THE BALCONY, 480 00:17:01,585 --> 00:17:03,065 AND WE YELL DOWN AT PEOPLE, 481 00:17:03,065 --> 00:17:04,849 BECAUSE WE'’RE A LITTLE BIT DRUNK. 482 00:17:04,849 --> 00:17:06,764 - AND WE'’LL WEAR THOSE BIG, WHITE, TERRY CLOTH ROBES 483 00:17:06,764 --> 00:17:10,203 WHEN WE OPEN THE DOOR TO OUR ROOM SERVICE STRAWBERRIES. 484 00:17:10,203 --> 00:17:12,770 - AND THEN I COULD JUST PICK YOU UP, LIKE THIS, 485 00:17:12,770 --> 00:17:14,990 [straining] AND YOU'’RE SURPRISINGLY LIGHT, 486 00:17:14,990 --> 00:17:17,340 EVEN WITH THE ROBE ON. [laughs nervously] 487 00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:20,387 - AND I-- - AND YOU SAY NOTHING. 488 00:17:20,387 --> 00:17:22,954 BECAUSE I SHUT YOU UP LIKE THIS. 489 00:17:22,954 --> 00:17:24,913 - ♪ HARD TO EMPTY 490 00:17:24,913 --> 00:17:27,350 ♪ HARD TO CARRY 491 00:17:27,350 --> 00:17:31,876 ♪ UP ANOTHER FLIGHT 492 00:17:31,876 --> 00:17:34,749 ♪ ALL THE TIME IT TAKES... 493 00:17:34,749 --> 00:17:36,881 - JENNA? 494 00:17:36,881 --> 00:17:42,539 - CAN WE JUST NOT TALK ABOUT ANYTHING PERSONAL RIGHT NOW? 495 00:17:42,539 --> 00:17:45,238 - I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU 496 00:17:45,238 --> 00:17:46,587 THAT I'’VE BEEN IN YOUR SHOES. 497 00:17:46,587 --> 00:17:48,154 WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE... 498 00:17:48,154 --> 00:17:49,981 - THIS SOUNDS PERSONAL. 499 00:17:49,981 --> 00:17:53,333 - I HAD A DINNER LIKE THAT WITH YOUR DAD'’S PARENTS. 500 00:17:53,333 --> 00:17:56,292 THEY GREETED ME AT THE DOOR WITH BIG HUGS. 501 00:17:56,292 --> 00:17:58,773 AND THEY WERE SO NICE TO ME. 502 00:17:58,773 --> 00:18:00,601 WHEN WE ALL SAT DOWN, 503 00:18:00,601 --> 00:18:04,039 THAT'’S WHEN I TOLD THEM I WAS PREGNANT. 504 00:18:04,039 --> 00:18:05,127 - THEN WHAT HAPPENED? 505 00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:07,216 - THEY STARTED YELLING AT ME 506 00:18:07,216 --> 00:18:09,479 AND CALLING ME HORRIBLE THINGS. 507 00:18:09,479 --> 00:18:12,482 THEY SAID THAT I HAD RUINED KEVIN'’S LIFE. 508 00:18:12,482 --> 00:18:14,180 AND THEN I THREW UP... 509 00:18:14,180 --> 00:18:15,746 WHICH JUST MADE IT WORSE. 510 00:18:15,746 --> 00:18:17,574 [chuckles] 511 00:18:17,574 --> 00:18:18,923 I WAS HUMILIATED. 512 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:25,060 I AM SO GLAD WE HAVE THE RELATIONSHIP WE DO. 513 00:18:25,060 --> 00:18:29,586 IT'’S THE THING ABOUT MY LIFE I'’M MOST PROUD OF. 514 00:18:29,586 --> 00:18:31,632 - I'’M GLAD YOU'’RE YOU. 515 00:18:31,632 --> 00:18:33,982 - I'’M SO GLAD YOU'’RE YOU. 516 00:18:33,982 --> 00:18:36,245 - AND I'’M GLAD YOU DIDN'’T FORGET TO TAKE YOUR PILL! 517 00:18:36,245 --> 00:18:38,029 - [sighs] 518 00:18:38,029 --> 00:18:39,901 - [laughs] - DID YOU? 519 00:18:39,901 --> 00:18:43,034 [upbeat rock music] 520 00:18:43,034 --> 00:18:45,124 - CAN I GET YOU SOME WATER? 521 00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:47,256 - NO, THANKS. I'’M OKAY. 522 00:18:47,256 --> 00:18:48,866 - JUST OKAY? - NO. NO, NO, NO. 523 00:18:48,866 --> 00:18:51,608 I MEAN, THAT WAS-- 524 00:18:51,608 --> 00:18:54,568 I'’M STILL VAGINGLING. - [laughs] YEAH. 525 00:18:54,568 --> 00:18:55,699 IT WAS EVERYTHING THEY SAY IT IS, YOU KNOW, 526 00:18:55,699 --> 00:18:57,527 IN MOVIES AND SONGS. 527 00:18:57,527 --> 00:18:59,486 - OKAY, I CALL SHENANIGANS. 528 00:18:59,486 --> 00:19:01,705 THAT WAS NOT FUN. 529 00:19:01,705 --> 00:19:04,534 DID THAT TOTALLY EMASCULATE YOU? - OH, NO, NO. 530 00:19:04,534 --> 00:19:05,448 THAT'’S--THAT'’S WHAT I THOUGHT TOO. 531 00:19:05,448 --> 00:19:06,623 IT WAS UNCOMFORTABLE. 532 00:19:06,623 --> 00:19:08,103 AND YOUR MOM STARTED COUGHING. 533 00:19:08,103 --> 00:19:10,888 [both laugh] 534 00:19:10,888 --> 00:19:13,282 WE CAN TRY AGAIN, I MEAN, IF YOU WANT TO, OF COURSE. 535 00:19:13,282 --> 00:19:14,892 - YEAH, OF COURSE. 536 00:19:14,892 --> 00:19:16,720 - ALL I NEED IS 18 MINUTES AND A SANDWICH. 537 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,505 - OOH, A SANDWICH. THAT ACTUALLY DOES SOUND GOOD. 538 00:19:18,505 --> 00:19:20,507 - YEAH. 539 00:19:20,507 --> 00:19:21,682 I'’M LOOKING FORWARD TO FIGURING OUT 540 00:19:21,682 --> 00:19:24,946 THIS WHOLE SEX THING WITH YOU. 541 00:19:24,946 --> 00:19:26,991 I LOVE YOU, TAMARA. 542 00:19:26,991 --> 00:19:28,776 - I LOVE YOU TOO. 543 00:19:28,776 --> 00:19:32,562 - ♪ SO HOLD MY HAND 544 00:19:32,562 --> 00:19:35,826 ♪'’CAUSE TALKING IS THE SOURCE OF MISUNDERSTANDING ♪ 545 00:19:35,826 --> 00:19:38,307 ♪ HOLD MY HAND 546 00:19:38,307 --> 00:19:40,135 - APPARENTLY I DON'’T NEED THAT SANDWICH. 547 00:19:40,135 --> 00:19:42,006 - ♪ '’CAUSE TALKING IS THE SOURCE OF MISUNDERSTANDING ♪ 548 00:19:42,006 --> 00:19:43,225 ♪ HOLD MY... 549 00:19:48,056 --> 00:19:49,623 [chime] 550 00:19:49,623 --> 00:19:53,192 [rock music] 551 00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,976 [cell phone vibrates] 552 00:19:54,976 --> 00:19:57,065 - CONGRATULATIONS. 553 00:19:57,065 --> 00:19:58,545 IS THAT A POST-SEX PIC? 554 00:19:58,545 --> 00:19:59,894 - NOPE, IT'’S A POST "I LOVE YOU" ONE. 555 00:19:59,894 --> 00:20:00,982 BUT WE HAD SEX TOO. 556 00:20:00,982 --> 00:20:02,723 - YOU HAD SEX TOO? - YEAH. 557 00:20:02,723 --> 00:20:04,725 BUT THE "I LOVE YOU" FELT MUCH BETTER. 558 00:20:04,725 --> 00:20:05,856 NOW I'’M GONNA GO SIT ON SOME ICE. 559 00:20:05,856 --> 00:20:06,988 I'’M SORE. 560 00:20:06,988 --> 00:20:08,468 [click] 561 00:20:11,993 --> 00:20:14,387 - IT WASN'’T EASY FOR ME TO WRITE ABOUT SOMETHING 562 00:20:14,387 --> 00:20:16,389 THAT HIT A LITTLE CLOSER TO HOME. 563 00:20:16,389 --> 00:20:21,568 BUT I WAS FINALLY READY TO DIG DEEPER. 564 00:20:21,568 --> 00:20:24,701 "MY MOTHER'’S GREATEST HUMILIATION--ME. 565 00:20:24,701 --> 00:20:25,833 BY JENNA HAMILTON." 566 00:20:25,833 --> 00:20:30,359 [doorbell rings] 567 00:20:30,359 --> 00:20:32,535 - MY MOM WAS RIGHT ABOUT ONE THING: 568 00:20:32,535 --> 00:20:35,234 YOU GUYS ARE DIFFERENT KINDS OF PEOPLE. 569 00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:38,454 AND I'’M YOUR KIND. 570 00:20:38,454 --> 00:20:39,847 CAN I CRASH HERE FOR THE NIGHT? 571 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:46,636 - NEXT ON AWKWARD: - MORNING. 572 00:20:46,636 --> 00:20:48,290 - IT'’S BEEN FUN, HAVING MATTY HERE AND ALL, 573 00:20:48,290 --> 00:20:49,465 BUT I NEED MY SPACE BACK. 574 00:20:49,465 --> 00:20:51,075 - MATTY GETS THE COW, THE MILK, 575 00:20:51,075 --> 00:20:52,773 AND TO LIVE IN THE BARN FOR FREE. 576 00:20:52,773 --> 00:20:54,340 - YOU HAVEN'’T WORN OUT YOUR WELCOME? 577 00:20:54,340 --> 00:20:55,428 - JENNA'’S COOL WITH IT. - I AM SO NOT COOL WITH IT. 578 00:20:55,428 --> 00:20:56,516 - I'’M GOING TO THAT PARTY. 579 00:20:56,516 --> 00:20:58,866 SLEEPOVERS ARE GAMECHANGERS! 580 00:20:58,866 --> 00:21:00,868 - RICKY, IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT. 581 00:21:00,868 --> 00:21:03,349 WAS YOUR DEATH AN ACCIDENT? [gasping] 41141

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