All language subtitles for 1 1 Real.Time.with.Bill.Maher.S24E18.480p

Start the clock.

Thank you, people. How are you doing?

All right. So many friendly faces. Thank
you, people. I appreciate it. Thank

you.

Okay. Well... Oh, yes.

We're still here.

Thank you, and... Thank you. Thank

you. Let me start with this.

Any New Yorkers here tonight? Any New
Yorkers?

We saw the greatest come -from -behind
team ever this week.

I'm talking about the negotiators for
Iran, unfortunately.

But the Knicks were fantastic, too. I
mean, yes,

the Knicks did that. It was my team.

My team that I've been with since 1973,
I was in high school the last time they

did. I have never wavered on the Knicks,
so this is important to me.

Game five.

Okay. I didn't do anything but suffer,

so thank you.

But game five is tomorrow night, and
Trump is not going. He went to game

and they lost. And, you know, no.

Well, look, Nick had a 13 -game winning
streak in the playoffs. It's almost

unheard of. Then he went, they lost. I'm
not saying he made them lose.

I am saying I'm offering a million
dollars not to go to this game.

That's a joke, by the way.

Please.

That is a joke. Because last time I
offered money like that, I got sued. So

that's a joke, complete joke.

Judge, whoever's going to see this.

And at the net game he went to, he
brought his granddaughter, Kai.

And this is unfortunate. Then, of
course, when they showed him on the cam,

whole crowd booed.

And it was a very tender moment when he
said to her, I'm sorry they're booing

you, honey.

And then a little controversy.

A little controversy here. The next day,
a video was posted of this and the

booing.

and magically gone.

And we don't know who did this, but the
speculation is going to either Kash

Patel or Pete Hegseth, because if anyone
knows how to make booze disappear...

There you go.

Why

didn't

you do that one at the end? You have to
think for a second.

Can't finish with one of those thinkers,
you know.

But a lot of sports going on. The World
Cup is here in L .A.

Most of the world.

Wow. People love it.

Yeah, most of the world consider soccer
the number one sport. Here it's where

you put your kids when you don't want to
pay for daycare.

I don't get the attraction of soccer. I
don't. It's more scoring at Bible camp.

But okay.

If you love it, you love it.

And I'm glad you have it.

But the really big sporting event is
this weekend. You know, I'm sure you

what's going on. Our redneck president
is turning 80.

And to celebrate, there is a UFC fight
on the lawn.

So the emperor is holding gladiator
games on his birthday. Nothing to see

I wouldn't think about it too much.

Don't worry about it.

And hopefully the big fight will also
serve as a celebration for a peace deal

with Iran, which the president says is
imminent, but he says that every week.

They counted now. He has said it 38
times. 38 times.

You know, last week, the same thing. It
started with, we have a peace deal, and

then by the end of the week, we're going
to hit them very hard.

All caps, very hard, we're going to hit
them. And then he thought about it with

himself, and went back to peace.

Do we even really need Iran in this war?
I mean, really, do we?

Every time they pipe up, he says, who
asked you? Stay out of it.

But Trump said, if you don't agree, said
to Iran, if they don't agree to this

peace deal, they will pay the price.

Pay the price. Gas is $6 a gallon out
here.

The Iranians who pay the

price are living in Beverly Hills, okay?

And every week... Every week as the
president gets more frustrated, he

somebody else. Last week it was Oman.

Oman.

They were like, Oman, what did we do?

This week it's the Kurds. The Kurds. He
said, the Kurds let us down. And I won't

forget Kurds.

We've gone from threatening every
country in the world...

to threatening somebody who just wants
to be a country.

They're on the... They're on

the waiting shit list.

But none of that will be remembered in
the future. What we will remember in the

future from this week is what happened
in the stock market today.

SpaceX, are you familiar?

Yes, Elon, one of Elon Musk's companies,
went to initial public offering. You

can buy stock in it now.

Biggest one ever. And Elon is now a
trillionaire. A trillionaire. Now, I

Elon his props.

He has created amazing things. Yeah,
SpaceX is amazing.

So is Tesla, Neuralink, Starlink.

Elon owns a company that can rewire your
brain.

It's called Twitter.

But a billionaire, I mean, now... Elon
says he will use his wealth to get to

Mars, because he believes one thing
above all, if you have to leave Earth to

avoid California taxes, you do what you
have to do.

All right, thank you very much. We have
a great show. Ian Bremmer and Hagar

Shamali are here. But first up, here's a
contributor for The New Yorker and

author of the number one best -selling
book of essays, The Land and Its People,

one of the funniest people on Earth.
David Sedaris is over here.

And what?

Lately,

I like to wear a pile of clothes.

That's just my thing.

This pussy bow, it comes to the ground.
Sometimes I don't tie it, and I just

leave it dangling.

We decided backstage it would look good
tied. What is that? Is that a shirt?

It's a shirt with a massive pussy bow
attached to it. What's a pussy bow?

A pussy bow is like an oversized bow.

So this, if I untie it, it goes to the
ground.

That's a term people know? That's a
term. It's a term.

It's a perfectly polite term.

In the heterosexual community also?

I don't know.

I never heard of it.

So the book is number one.

As it could be, Maestro, you've done it
again.

I get that best. I mean, I loved it, as
I love all your books.

Do you think that more interesting
things just happen to you, or do you

things we all see and make them
interesting? I think it's probably a lot

second, but it seems to be a little bit
of the first. You seem to put yourself

in places where interesting things
happen that prompt these awesome essays.

I think I just have a notebook. I think
that's the only difference.

I mean, most people, they see things and
they forget about it. But I have a

notebook and I just write it down so I
remember. But you also say at one point,

and so many things I do relate to
because we're about the same age, that,

know, at one point you moved to New
York, right? And you didn't, things were

going well.

And you were going to go back to
Chicago. But you don't want to go back

know, we don't want to face that where
you didn't make it in the big city.

that'd be the worst.

Right. And you said the one reason you
wanted to stay in New York is there's

just a lot more chance if you're walking
around New York, you see weird shit.

Right? You see interesting stuff that's
going to prompt a story.

Yeah, just things that you could
possibly write about. But I don't know.

like it can really happen anywhere.

You know, most people are just looking
at their phone. That's the difference.

I'm the only one not looking at my
phone. But now when I look around, this

what I see.

People looking at their phone. Right.
And you go all over the world. I mean,

this one, I mean, the stories about the
safari I thought was fascinating where

you didn't take any pictures. Probably
the first person who never took a

picture. They seemed so disappointed.

And they would say, get out your camera.
And I just didn't, I just don't care to

take pictures. Again, we're the same
age, so that's how I think. It's like,

really going to forget the hippo.

You know, I have a camera up here. I've
had it my whole life. There was a long

time we didn't need that camera when we
just would take a picture with our mind.

But the other thing I kind of related to
is you said you went to Zanzibar,

right? Yeah. And you couldn't help
forget that there was such an income gap

between the tourists and the people who
lived there.

That's why I don't go to... We stayed at
this resort, and then we found out when

we got there...

that they cut off the electricity for
two weeks for people on the island.

I mean, it was insanely hot and humid,
and they didn't even have fans.

And then they said, don't worry, the
resort has generators.

And then you felt even kind of worse.

And then you'd go on the beach, and
people would try to sell you stuff. And

when you were in the water, they would
try to sell you things.

So I couldn't wait to leave. That's why
I don't go to places like that. I just

feel guilty the whole time. Well, Hawaii
is the only place where you go. Well,

Hawaii is.

Well, it's a state of America.

They're doing quite well, actually. But
if you want to go to a hot place in the

winter, most places are sad.

Yeah, are sad, exactly.

And also you tell a story which is
exactly what happened to me in Mexico

which you get into a cab. I mean, this
happened to you in Zanzibar. It happened

to me in Mexico.

And the cab driver, you say, how much to
get to?

And he says, it's 30 ,000 pesos. And you
get there, thank you, that'll be 90

,000 pesos. And you, wait, you said, no,
you must have misheard me. And we both

know that he's lying.

Right.

And then you feel like, I was going to
give you that as a tip. Right.

You didn't have to rip me off. I would
have given it to you anyway.

And then you think, God, he didn't have
any electricity.

And the snails in Zanzibar, like...

They're like that big. That's all really
they have to offer in terms of like

just really big snails.

That's really the only reason to go.
Well, and the beach. And the beach and

weather. And the beach. But again,
you're in the water and people are

sell you shit in the water.

In the water. No, I'm not.

I know.

If I may, I think that it's fantastic
that you're winning the Mark Twain

The last time I was here, I predicted
that Jeff Foxworthy was going to get it

next, you know, because Kennedy Center
had been taken over. So where is the

ceremony then? At the Kennedy Center.

Oh, it's going to be at the Kennedy
Center? Well, let's not talk about it

much.

We don't know what's going to happen. I
mean, at one point it was canceled.

You know, the president tried to stop
it, and then we were back on, and then a

judge ruled that let's fucking not talk
about it, please, because it could only

make it worse. But do you put things up?

Like, let's say if you get it, will you
display it in your home or no?

There's plenty of room on the mantle.

Well, let's talk about you. And we're
here to talk about your book, not my

awards history. But one thing I love
about it is you're never sentimental,

know.

This one moment, I feel like you allowed
yourself. You're talking about the fact

that I didn't know this until I read
this. You've actually been secretly

for 10 years.

Yeah. And at the very end of it, you
allow yourself a nice word

about your husband.

He's so controlling, but he's so
handsome.

That's the only little moment I find
like that. Because that's what I love

you. Well, I didn't want, the only
reason, it was a shotgun wedding

my banker. I think it's completely
unfair.

I think it's unfair that married people
get any kind of tax break. Because what

if you're like just really ugly and
nobody wants to marry you or have sex?

should you be financially penalized?

So I think they should get rid of the
tax break for everybody, for, you know,

instead of, yeah, get rid of it for all
married people. I couldn't agree more.

No.

I mean, it's the only reason I did it.
And then when people say

I don't know what they're talking about.
It takes me a minute.

And then, your marriage, oh, right,
yeah.

Yeah, I always thought the coolest thing
about being gay was that you couldn't

get married. I wanted to.

I wanted gay people to fight for the
right to marry and then not a single one

them to do it. I thought that would have
been the best.

I also love that you say you hate when
people use the term, like, my person.

You know, they used to say, you know.

Right. People used to be my soulmate and
then it was my person. But what are the

odds? out of the billions of people who
live in the world, that your one person

lives in your same apartment complex.

Right. I know.

It's always silly.

Or goes to your community college.

So I don't feel like Hugh is, that's my,
I can't even say, I identify as a

boyfriend. Even though I'm a husband, I
identify as a boyfriend.

I would be sad if he died.

Right. If he died, I'd be sad.

For a long time.

That's enough.

Yeah. That's all you would need at the
ceremony.

Yeah. If I was going to get married, I'd
be like, be sad if you died.

Okay, so before we run out of time, the
best story, the best one I think in the

book, maybe the best of the year, the
decade, this is just an immaculate

the one about the dog.

Oh. Your little dog, too. First of all,
perfect title for the story.

Just tell them a little bit. You're in
Portland, which is a, you know, let's

call it a peak woke city.

During peak wokeness, it went crazy,
right? I mean, like police were the

and all that stuff. They've retrenched
that. And you got bit by a, you know,

can walk down the street there and
there's a lot of fentanyl addicts that

just out and about, right? And one of
their dogs bit you.

And the people around there sided with
the addict and the dog.

They were like, they're still better
off, an addict is still better off than

you. And like, the sad part is that
there's no good place for these animals.

you were like, is that really the sad
part?

Because do you see this bite hole in my
leg?

Nobody said how awful that you got
bitten by a dog. They said, what kind of

dog was it?

One person said, did a...

One person said, did you get the names?
And I said, oh, they're fentanyl

addicts. They were going to give me
their names. No, of the dogs. It would

to rescue them.

But if I had said I was walking down the
street and these tech bros, I don't

usually use words like that, had a dog
and it bit me, they'd be incensed. But

because they were drug addicts, then
everybody took their side. They felt

they couldn't say that it was...

They treated me like it was my fault. Or
you just, well, that's the way it goes.

You're better off than they are. And you
get to, I think, what is just the heart

of so much of our fucked up politics.

You say, why is it so hard for people
like this to say that it's wrong for a

drug addict's dog to bite you? And your
answer is because then, oh, then you're

a Republican.

Right. Which is crazy.

Because then it puts the Democrats in
the position of the pro -drug addict dog

biters. Right.

Well.

I got a letter from this woman, and she
was walking after dark, and a man was

following behind her.

And she turned around and said, can I
help you? He said, I'm homeless.

Do you have some money? She said, I
don't have any money on me. She kept

walking. He followed her. She turned
around. She said, this is really making

uncomfortable. He said, I also take Cash
App.

She said, I don't have that either. When
she told people the story, they said,

you don't have Cash App? Like that was
the whole point of this.

Maestro, you've done it again. Great to
see you. David Sedaris, as always, laugh

your ass off.

Just reading.

All right, let's read our panel.

Hey, how are you?

All right, he is the founder.

President and founder of Eurasia Group
and GZERO Media, Ian Bremmer, and she is

the former spokesperson of the U .S.
Mission to the U .N., co -founder of the

Lebanon -Israel Peace Alliance, and host
of YouTube's Oh My World, Hagar

Shamali. Great to see you for the first
time.

And we're going to start with the big
economic news, because I feel like even

though it's a big story today, it is not
a big enough story.

Initial public offering, if people don't
follow economics, that's where

something goes public.

SpaceX has been around for a while,
right?

Okay, and it does other things besides
send rockets to space, right? Doesn't it

do the satellites? It hasn't. Okay, so
it's a viable company. It's worth a lot

of money.

$1 .77 trillion, is it worth?

What happened to irrational exuberance?
First of all, it's insane.

Over 4 ,000 people who worked for the
company in the past became millionaires,

not just Elon becoming.

Elon's shares now are worth $866
billion.

That's on top of the money he already
had from his other companies.

This is really AI money, first of all,
right? Is that what they're really

investing in? Okay.

Is it going to be like five people who
have all the money in the world? And can

you be a good capitalist? Here's my
question. Can you be a good capitalist,

think I am, or a believer in capitalism,
and still think there should be some

cap on wealth?

Well, you have to.

Americans believe that people should be
able to make it.

They should be successful. It's one of
the things that really makes our country

work. We don't think necessarily that.

someone who's worth $100 million, even a
billion, maybe even a trillion, is

necessarily a bad thing, where many
other countries, they do.

But there has to be opportunity for the
average American and their kids to get

there. And the fact that we saw Graham
Platner came out immediately today,

should never be another trillionaire.
You know, you see Elizabeth Warren,

see Robert Reich, every billionaire is a
policy failure.

That reflects the fact that a whole
bunch of Americans feel like they don't

trust, their leaders, they don't trust
these elites, that Elon, the first

trillionaire, also happens to be the
person that gave the most money to the

Trump administration, $250 million.

They don't feel like that's a
coincidence, and that they don't have

access, no matter how smart they are, no
matter how hard they work. So for me,

it's not about the money.

For me, it's about the lack of mobility,
the lack of opportunity, the fact that

we don't believe in the American people.
So you think we should be able to have

a trillionaire? Do you agree with that?

I don't know.

Not a billionaire.

I don't really have a problem with it
because I don't have a problem with how

these billionaires and now single
trillionaires made their money because

grown these companies, they've built
them.

But, you know, the wealth gap that
you're talking about.

It's important because you don't want
people to feel that their very real

economic suffering is because of the
billionaires. You want it when the tides

rise that all the boats rise with it,
right? And I think that there's a danger

in viewing the billionaires as the
problem because then it leads from there

people to say it's our economic system
that isn't working. Therefore, it's

capitalism that isn't working.

And the problem with that, and you've
already seen those seeds being planted,

right? Mamdani, that's his big arguments
were about socialism and things like

that. And the thing is, you need certain
regulations, certain maybe it's taxes,

maybe things that can indicate to
people.

It's not because of the billionaires.
The billionaires are doing business and

innovation, and hopefully that adds job
growth.

It's other ways that you want them to
believe that there's opportunity that

can pursue, but it's not because of the
billionaires. Okay, but you guys keep

saying billionaires, and the story today
is trillionaires. It's trillionaires.

Okay, can we just get real about this? A
trillion?

Would it be crazy to have a law that
said you can't go above 1 % of gross

domestic product, gross national
product?

You as one person.

Because when John D.

Rockefeller reached that, they did make
laws.

One percent. I think it's still a pretty
big flex if you're trying to pick up a

woman. I'm a happy woman. If you're
like, what do I drive? I'm worth one

of the United States.

I mean, even that is money that no one
could possibly spend. I just

think things get so out of whack.

And again, he's not going to be the last
one.

The other four or five AI intel.

you know, on the spectrum type. Yeah.

I just don't see this turning out well.
I think it's the lack of trust.

I think when you had Bill Gates and when
you had Warren Buffett, and they were

not only making billions and tens of
billions of dollars, even $100 billion,

which back then felt like real money,
they were also doing things to change

world. They were showing that they
cared. We have a story about trust and

inequality right now in my city, in New
York City, with this team, right?

We've got $10 ,000 to get in.

Right. One hundred, two hundred thousand
dollars to sit just right there in the

front row. And yet everyone in New York,
every single person, Staten Island, New

Jersey, the Bronx, they're rooting. Why
are they rooting? First of all, because

they feel like they have a connection to
the team. Second of all, because the

star, Jalen Brunson, who is
extraordinary, gave up over one hundred

dollars so that he could actually get
more money that the rest of the team

benefit from. And they play like a team.
So it's not that Americans have a

problem with people making a lot of
money, but you've got to have.

some stake in it. You've got to have a
part of it, and that's why we want the

Knicks to go in five.

Yeah, I agree.

I never use props, by the way.

What a winner that was.

But one seat went for a million.

They sold a courtside seat for a million
dollars.

And by the way, I thought this was so
interesting.

Trump, only like two weeks ago, was
talking about, he sounded almost exactly

like what I've said about sports and the
way it has migrated to streaming.

You have to buy all these streaming
channels. You have to hunt for the game.

costs you a lot of money. They work
worse.

And he said there's something very sad
when they take football away from many,

many people. Very sad. I don't like it.

He said, they're making a lot of money.
They could make a little bit less.

You've got people who live for Sunday,
and then all of a sudden they're going

have to pay $1 ,000 a game?

Exactly. Then they asked him at the game
the other day, the cheapest price, the

reporter said, for the game going in is
$8 ,000.

Everyday Americans can't afford these
sporting events.

I expected him to say this, what he had
already said about sports.

He said, well, they can watch it on
television, but that's the way life

This is my point about Trump.

Keep talking to him because he has no
fixed beliefs other than wind is bad and

tariffs are good.

Not very principled.

You might as well be the last person who
has his ear because, you know, he went

from it's terrible to that. Fuck you.

Sucks to be you. That's the way life
goes.

But let me get back to something you
were talking about, which is because.

People, yes, Jalen Brunson did give up
money.

He's also got being paid hundreds of
millions of dollars. Yeah. Yes. And a

of Americans are doing well. You know,
when people say, oh, a lucky few, a

lucky, oh, it's a lucky many.

The upper middle class has grown three
times. That's like a third of the

who are doing very well. There's still
two thirds that aren't doing that great.

Okay. But it's enough to make people
think I could be one of them, you know.

Okay. So they have a slogan now.

That is catching on.

It's ironic because it started on the
right and now it's migrated to the left.

And that's the Epstein class.

Let's not forget where Epstein obsession
started.

QAnon. I remember when I was doing jokes
about it.

QAnon. They're nuts. And by the way,
they are nuts. They think Democrats eat

babies. They went after me as a
pedophile because they got a picture of

red shoes.

Red shoes equals a pedophile.

I see a pope.

Well,

obviously,

pedophile in chief.

I mean, not the present one, but the
church one.

But I guess that's where they got it
from. I don't know. And the shoes were

burgundy, by the way.

Point is, I think they're onto something
here. That's what the left now is using

this term, the Epstein class. And what
they mean by that are people who just,

these elites, they can be on both sides.

Trump was a good friend.

With Epstein, and so is Bill Clinton.

It is a nonpartisan thing to a degree.

People are getting away with murder.
It's not that they're making it through

their intelligence and their capacity.
It's that they're networked, and

therefore it's a two -tier system.

The legal system doesn't apply to them.
The judicial system doesn't apply to

them. The political system works for
them because they capture it. If America

becomes a coin -operated democracy, you
will see pitchforks. And the Epstein

class is a reaction.

on the left, just as it was a tagline,
drain the swamp for Trump until he

decided that he wanted to get his, and
billions and billions of dollars that

they're making because of connections
through power, right? I mean, you tell

that World Liberty Financial is worth
all of those billions, that that is

because they just happen to be
brilliant, or because they happen to be

position of power. He shouldn't be
making billions. No.

I think it's theoretical, is what I'm
saying.

You think?

You know, I want to be, I'm not trying
to say, I believe this term, the Epstein

class. I understand it because what
they're trying to say is billionaires

get away with murder, basically. I mean,
as you said. But get away with

everything. They're infiltrating
politics. They're influencing politics,

people vote and so on.

The thing is, you know where else we
used to see this idea or view that this

the fault of the elite.

This is the elite.

My suffering is because of the elite.

It's the elite's fault. I can't move
ahead because of the elite.

That's a very dangerous road to go down
because they're laying blame in the

wrong place.

And that's why I would love to see our
government take control more.

Perhaps maybe, I don't know, shaving the
1%, like you said, maybe there's a cap.

I don't love the idea of a cap. No, I
didn't say 1%. I said worth 1 % of gross

promotional product. That's different
than the 1%. I'm all for money. Does

money go to the government? Are we sure
we can trust the government with what

they're going to do with that money?

I think, to your point, it's better to
have, if you can infill that social

contract where you have people who are
pursuing charity. And you have a lot of

those billionaires who are doing that,
who believe in donating a large portion

of their wealth, who signed these
pledges for that. And so I'm trying to

don't think they should all be labeled
with the Epstein class.

I think there's a danger. Well, they're
not all in the Epstein class. They're

just people.

I call them the shark soup people. You
know, the people, you know, it's illegal

to. to have shark soup, to kill sharks
for soup.

But people do it. And I bet you the soup
tastes like shit. It's just that we can

do it. We can. We can get away with it.
Just like we can Epstein with the young

girls on the island. We can do it.
Nobody's going to stop us.

Epstein class is a big piece of it
because it's the sense of corruption,

sense of entitlement that we will never
have access to. But it's also American

young people right now are more
skeptical about AI.

than almost any other country in the
world.

And it's because they think that they're
being lied to. They think that this

technology that's going to be rolled out
is going to take jobs away from them,

take opportunities away from them, and
that their leaders will not give them a

shot, right? The Generation Alpha is
going to become Generation F'd, right?

That's not going to get you anything but
pitchforks. And what we've seen is when

there's high inflation and we see when
there's mistrust on these issues, they

vote the bums out.

That's what you're going to see
happening in the midterms.

Well, we'll see. I just do think this is
migrating to the left. It's their

issue. Trump said he would drain the
swamp, and he bottled it, basically.

They've noticed.

All right, so listen, it is June. June
is wedding season. Anyone here getting

married this month? It's always a, you
know, I love weddings.

Just not mine.

No, because they're funny.

They are.

And one of the things that's funny about
them is that somebody is always making

the wedding toast, and it's always
inappropriate.

And we thought as a public service,
because, you know, they have a few

them, and they're caught up in the
moment, and then it just ruins the whole

We thought as a public service, we would
like to offer, if you're one of those

people, things not to say.

Would you like to hear those? All right.

Let's do it just like they do at the
wedding with the mic and the... For

example, don't say, I first met the
bride in college

during her lesbian phase.

Don't say that.

There's another one. Don't say... For
the bride and groom, it was love at

sight. So don't ever say nothing good
ever happens on OnlyFans.

Don't, don't, don't.

Forget your other marriages. I've got a
really good feeling about this one.

Don't say, if she kisses half as good as
her mom, I think you two are going to

be okay.

Don't say, these two are proof that
there really is someone for everyone in

world.

But damn, that's going to be one ugly
baby. Don't, don't.

Am I crazy, or is the stripper at the
bachelor party in the wedding planner

same chick?

And whatever you do, don't say... And to
the groom, I

apologize. Apparently I was wrong. You
can pray away the gay.

All right.

Okay.

Now back to the issues.

All right, let's do it this week. We
have to. It's the law. Talk about Iran.

Yeah. Look, I don't know what the latest
is, and even if you told me what it

was, I wouldn't believe you, because
it's just the same thing. It's just

Groundhog Day, all these things. I heard
now we're going to have a, for sure

we're going to have a deal and a peace
signing.

I mean, there's no way out of this for
him, for Trump. I mean, it's the only

out is if he comes up with a deal that's
better than the one Obama got.

And the only way to do that is with a
full -on invasion, and he doesn't want

do that.

What does he do?

He's looking for an off -ramp right now,
right? Now, it's very clear he's

desperate for a deal.

He's desperate for a deal. He is showing
his cards. The Iranian regime very much

knows that.

And he's trying to achieve all these
goals at once. He's trying to

to the American public, don't worry
about gas prices.

They're going to go down soon. I'm
cutting a deal. The deal is coming

We're going to be this weekend, etc.

And we're seeing this over and over and
over again, as you said. Was that your

Trump impersonation? I can do a better
one.

I wasn't ready for that.

Everyone can do it.

He's also trying to communicate to the
Iranian regime and flex his muscles and

say and back his language, the threat of
force, which I don't believe he's.

going to actually carry through on those
threats anymore.

He's also trying to placate the Gulf.

The Gulf allies are really trying to
encourage him not to go back into war,

make a deal of some kind. That's why
he's put Jared Kushner now on this

The problem is he's desperate to come to
a deal.

while also trying to make it look like
it's not the same as the Obama deal,

which he spent forever criticizing.

And I personally am worried about where
this deal is headed. I work a lot on

Lebanon -Israel, as you mentioned, and
I'm afraid Lebanon will get sold to

I'm afraid about sanctions relief.
Sanctions relief.

I sound like a sanctions monger. There
isn't a sanction I don't like.

But I'm afraid that if he gives...
Sanctions relief is too strong. It's

fund all the proxies.

But he wants to move on. He's bored.
He's said that.

He has said it enough.

Frankly, I'm bored with the talking
points as well. But you know who's not

are the Iranian people who have been
suffering under this regime, who have

families, victims lost and slaughtered,
30 ,000 to 40 ,000 of them. And they're

watching to see what's being done. Yeah,
I mean, he took a shot at a festering

problem. It didn't work. Not even close.

Not close. Because, first of all, I
think they just did it at the wrong

they'd done it when the people were in
the streets, maybe the uprising would

have happened. They waited until
everybody got slaughtered and then sat

for a couple of months and then did it.
So they fucked up the whole thing. I'd

love to believe that.

I hope that that's true. I don't think
it is. But we'll never know. We'll never

know. We are where we are. Yeah,
exactly.

Look, I'm with you right at the
beginning. The headlines every week are

same. They're relentless.

Is there a deal? Isn't there a deal? But
there are some really big long -term

things that have already happened that
we can talk about. So, for example, OPEC

is over.

The Emiratis have pulled out.

And that means that they want to produce
as much oil as humanly possible because

they don't want that to be a stranded
asset. They know it's not going to be

worth so much over time. They want to
become a global node as a city state.

That's, by the way, that's a monopoly.
It's a cartel over energy, over fossil

fuel energy that is not good for
anybody.

Glad to see them go. The Americans are
the largest producer in the world right

now. That's number one. That's a big
thing that has happened, not because

was planning it, but it matters.

Second, go ahead. Yeah, well, also,
they're building pipelines now. That's

right. I mean, again, he does things in
such a clumsy way and sometimes fumbles

forward to a good result. That's right.
And they are built because the Strait of

Hormuz will never be as strategically
important as it is now because they got

the memo. We got to build, we got to
send the oil the other way through

pipelines. When the Chinese hit back
hard and put that gun on the table, said

critical minerals, we're going to shut
you down. Right.

think they could. As soon as they did
it, what do we all do? Start investing

critical minerals. In five, ten years,
they can't use that again. It's exactly

what's happening in response to the
Iranians. The Emiratis build a new

But the most important thing is people
move away from oil and gas.

It is electric vehicles. It's solar.
Because we now know, not just in that

strait, but in Malacca, the Houthis in
the Red Sea, you take some drones and

can hold a $110 trillion economy to
ransom.

So it turns out Orange is the new green.
Trump is going to end up going down as

the president has done more for
renewable energy than any president in

So that's our strategy. Cut and stay.

Yeah.

Well, I think, you know, in the big
picture, people just, I mean, the reason

he lost part of his coalition is
because... They thought he ran on

first. And they thought America first
meant America has been too generous to a

lot of countries, they thought.

And some of that was true, I'm sure.
They also thought we were too

And they wanted to pull back.

And now we're not doing that. Another
thing that worked out, actually, I don't

think it was necessarily the way he
intended, but he certainly gets some

for it. He wanted European countries to
pay more.

To pay more and to take, you know,
Clinton once made a speech and said

was the indispensable nation. And Trump
was like, yeah, we don't want to be.

Why do we have to be indispensable?

OK, I mean, I kind of like that women
are indispensable and I would like to

think there are things about us that are
indispensable.

But, you know, there is truth to that,
too.

They he was right. They European
countries could step up and they did

Germany is spending more money, I think,
now on their defense than they have in

like 40 years in one year. I give Putin
a little more credit.

for that than Trump. But Trump deserves
some credit for that. Right. Because

Putin threatened.

And he said, well, this is a European
problem.

Not like we haven't already given a hell
of a lot of money to Ukraine.

Have we given something like $170
billion already?

Okay. And then we kind of stopped, which
was wrong.

And, you know, his big line, he said it
about the Iraq, the Iran war, too. At

one point he said, the Iranians don't
seem to realize they have no cards.

Exact same thing he said to Zelensky.

Well, both of them have cards.

We're not the only one with cards.

He just manifests these things. They're
begging for a deal. No, they're not.

Just because you say it doesn't mean
it's going to happen.

That's the problem we have. But the
cards thing, tell me what your thought

that is, this idea that Ukraine, which
is apropos to your hat.

The biggest comeback since the Knicks.
Oh, my God. I mean, did any of us think?

I didn't. I didn't think Ukraine could
beat Russia, but they did. It turns out,

right, that necessity is the mother of
invention.

These guys are getting very serious
about it, not like the Europeans.

And let's go back to Elon for a second.

Starlink, he shut.

Starlink off for the Russians back in
February, which means that their drones

are no longer working. And now the
Ukrainians, without people on the front

lines, are able to actually take
territory.

And that is a very serious change.

Ukrainians have a hell of a lot of cards
right now, and they're putting a lot

more threat against the Kremlin.

That the Kremlin is presently putting on
Kiev.

And, you know, Trump should back a
winner here. So you'd like to see him

engaging a little bit more with
Zelensky. I'm not expecting an apology,

know. I'm not expecting a thank you for
doing all of that, as Vice President

Vance would say. But the Americans might
want to pivot a little bit towards a

winner.

That's the one thing he would
understand, is winners. And Zelensky

an apology.

Winning. Winning is the best apology
there is.

And, I mean, where are we a year from
now in this war in Ukraine?

I mean, it could be.

I mean, Russia can't just constantly put
people into this meat grinder. How many

people do they have left? They emptied
the prisons.

You know, they got all the dregs of
society, put them as cannon fodder on

front line. Who's left to fight this
war?

Russia could go for a while, though, and
dictators do that, right?

They sustain a lot. They don't care as
much about—they certainly have no value

for human life. We already know that.

And they have constant feed, not just
from prisons, but from other countries,

North Korea, China.

They have ways of fueling this machine.

But your point about Elon Musk is major
because this is really what shifted

things for the Ukrainians because Russia
is now going into the front lines

blind, whereas the Ukrainians see
everything.

Now, in a year— I mean, who's to say?
Because there's a peace process,

allegedly, or a deal. I mean, Putin said
that he's going to do this. He's

offering talks with Zelensky. The
administration is overseeing it under

Witkoff, I believe.

But, you know, who knows which way it
will go. But I actually have some hope

this one, even because all of these...

the Ukrainians are being very creative
and they're finding ways to push the

Russians back up against the wall. And
that, by the way, in Iran would be the

same. The only way you're going to get a
deal that you really, any deal that you

could try to fashion that would work in
our favor and in our national security

interest is if you have their backs up
against the wall. Otherwise, Russia and

Iran, similarly, they're just looking to
survive as long as possible, outlast

Trump, get the next leader, last as long
as possible without collapsing.

And dictatorships have a way to do that
for a very long time.

I wonder if the world will take note
that no matter what form of government

are, if you're Goliath, it doesn't mean
you win.

That's right. It doesn't mean you win
just because you're bigger and your

is a zillion times more and you have
more of this and more weapons and more

that.

It's going to be a stalemate. The good
news is that the Chinese are seeing that

and they understand that for Taiwan.

for South China Sea. Their lesson is,
you know, this could actually go very

badly for us with the military that's
been hollowed out and that we haven't

actually engaged in fighting for
decades.

The issue, though, is that Putin
himself, he's not getting any younger.

He looks pretty bad.

He's spending most of his time isolated.

not with good advisors around him. His
former bodyguard is one of his top

national security advisors right now. I
worry a lot that if things get worse,

especially if Zelensky is able to bring
that direct threat to him and his inner

circle, that that's when you get
something really bad. Yeah, he can last

long time, but there are very few
constraints on him. The Chinese really

recognize that this is going badly.

Putin just went over there, and a couple
of Chinese leaders told me right after

the meeting, they said, yeah, we know
this is going badly. badly. We want a

ceasefire. We're prepared to push
harder. And I said, well, do you feel

optimistic? Like he's not listening to
us. You talk to Chinese leaders? Sure.

Yeah. And Xi's okay with that? I can't
talk to Xi. He's okay with me talking to

Chinese leaders, sure. Really? The
foreign minister had a press conference

me last time I was in Beijing, I think
it was. Right. Yeah. Okay.

As long as they toe the party line.

Well, look, they're going to talk about
what they want to talk about. You

shouldn't be trusting that they're not
suddenly giving you some secrets that

they're not interested in. The point is,
they understand the war in Russia has

been bad for China.

This is an ally of the Chinese. I think
the big reason why Xi Jinping went to

Pyongyang last week.

was because he was hoping to get more
information and some leverage on a

that's close to Putin right now, that's
provided 50 ,000 troops. I still think

they want Taiwan. I think that's their
Cuba. They do want it. They're never

going to give up until they get it. I
agree. But they're learning some lessons

near term because they're seeing that
Goliath, as you just said, Bill, isn't

always winning the way Goliath thinks
they are.

Let's leave it there. Time for new
rules, everybody.

New rules.

All right, if you work for Vuna Nexus,
the company that collects human urine

turns it into liquid fertilizer, and I
sit next to you on a

plane and ask, what do you do for a
living? Just lie and tell me you're in

sales.

I don't need to hear about how the urine
is collected and then processed to

spread on the food that I eat.

There's enough going on right now that
scares the piss out of me.

Um... Neural, now that Jill Biden has
released her memoir, A View from the

Wing, Melania must release her memoir in
which she describes her view from the

East Wing.

A backhoe, a mound of dirt, and a porta
potty.

Oh, we did.

Ha ha ha.

No rule, the steeplechase, the track and
field event, which starts with a

gunshot and then is a foot race where
you have to keep jumping over a thing

landing in a puddle, must be renamed
running from the police.

And it must end with climbing over a
chain link fence while a dog bites you

the ass.

New World, people who get a tattoo of
their area code must tell me how I'm

supposed to respond to that.

Because all I can think of is two
things. So, you really like your phone

huh?

And can I see one of the zip code on
your ass?

You can make the new non -alcoholic
Coors Light if you like, but first you

to show me the person who was drinking
Coors Light for the taste.

Because, really,

if you take the getting drunk part out
of this, if you're taking a sip of this

and thinking, mmm, yum, I hate to tell
you this, but you have long COVID.

Finally, new rule, let's get real about
Graham Plattner.

If you've been sleeping on politics
lately, well, who can blame you?

But the big story is the Democrats can
likely take back the Senate in November

if they win Maine.

But their local candidate official now
up there is after the primary this week.

Let's just say a guy who has a backstory
that screams, don't ask.

Now, I don't judge Graham Plattner
because I'm just learning who he is.

is, so is he.

What I do know is he served his country
in the Marines in war, and you can never

discount how big that is.

But then there's the sexting while
married, scary behavior, so say some of

exes, old posts about how he's a
communist, and all cops are bastards,

people don't tip.

Well, they don't tip cops. I can
understand that.

Here's a typical Plattner quote he said
about the Iraq War. You can think it's

dumb and also kind of not want to miss
it.

Oh, Graham, I feel the same way about so
many things. The Oscars.

Christmas. Taylor Swift's wedding.

That little speech Nicole Kidman gives
before the movie comes on where she

insane.

And then, of course, there's the

Nazi tattoo on his chest.

I mean, seriously, this guy's whole life
is the movie The Hangover.

He doesn't need a term in the Senate, he
needs a gap year in Costa Rica.

And yet, I would still urge the folks in
Maine to vote for him, for two reasons.

One, we need to restore balance in our
government, and a Democratic Senate

help a lot with that.

And two, get used to it, America is a
country filled with a lot of broken...

horribly educated, phone -addicted, sort
of nutty people.

And as long as we live in a
representative democracy, we are always

reflection in the mirror.

I wish the tattoo was the scariest thing
about Plattner. It's not.

That would be his solution to a home
invasion, which is to rape the home

invader.

And no, of course, that's not policy
he's proposing. It's a fantasy his ex

he talked about. Next week it'll be
policy.

And to be fair, he said the raping
wasn't something he'd do in a gay way.

Because that would be weird.

Okay, this is the kind of thing war does
to people.

That's who we created. Our society is
not healthy. We create broken people, so

don't expect politicians to suddenly
become Lincoln -esque again.

Tom Keene Jr.

is running in New Jersey, despite the
fact that he's gone completely missing

the last three months.

No biggie. He says in the future he'll
be completely transparent.

Tom, completely transparent is what you
are now.

Are you okay, Tom? Are you curled up in
a ball?

And he's favored to win because I'm just
guessing a lot of people say, hey,

we've all been there.

Oh, there's going to be more bad tweets
from candidates that haven't aged well.

More bad tattoos.

Did Plattner know the tattoo was a Nazi
symbol when he got it? Maybe. But people

today are so inundated with
misinformation and internet bullshit, I

trust he knew what it stood for anyway.

Everything people know now is from
social media and shitposting and

some other idiot sends them. Or whatever
the Chinese are feeding them on TikTok.

Every single violent actor in the last
five years, from Trump's assassin to

Luigi, has prompted a headline that said
some version of experts find markers of

both right and left -wing political
views.

Yeah, because we have a new breed of
voter today, people who are intensely

political, but somehow know almost
nothing about politics.

Liberal? Conservative?

They don't know what makes you either
one.

Conspiracy theories, that they know. And
memes.

And trolling that also might be true.

Maureen Galindo is a Democrat who ran
for the House in Texas this year.

Describes herself as a judgment -free
sex therapist.

I hope so. Who wants a judgy one?

What would that be? Well, plainly, your
dick's too small.

Okay, so she's judgment -free. Namaste.

But she's also said during the campaign
she wants to turn the ICE detention

center in her district into a prison for
Zionists and ICE officers.

But she says putting Zionist
billionaires in prison does not mean

Jews in internment camps.

So a moderate.

I guess she thinks she's progressive?

Because hating ICE, okay, check.

And hating Jews, sure, that's
progressive now.

But concentration camps? I associate
that more with conservatives. Is that

me?

Crazy. It's just not a deal -breaker
anymore for running.

Or serving.

The Secretary of Health keeps a freezer
full of roadkill.

Even the worm in his brain is like, I'm
not eating that.

I mean, our current president, just
speak out loud his internal

monologue.

You know what the internal monologue is,
right? It's just that stream of

thoughts that we all have pouring
through our heads all the time.

And that we all edit.

We edit our thoughts.

We don't just sling all of our feces.

We have a straight of her mousse between
our brain and our mouth where we don't

let everything through. But not the
President of the United States.

You're either crooked or you're stupid.

I am the chosen one.

Who knows better about surprise than
Japan?

You're just a lightweight. You're a
terrible person. I don't like...

He's a war hero because he was captured.

I like people that weren't captured. I
know you're not thinking. You never do.

Hey, I'm president.

Can you believe it?

I mean... Look,

politics has always been a crazy game,
but the people running weren't this

crazy. My winner, though, this year,
Victor Mark...

Yeah, I just heard of him recently.
Victor's a Christian minister who may

be governor of Colorado and who performs
exorcisms over the phone.

Which I think gives the devil an unfair
edge.

I do.

The power of Christ compels... Shit, I'm
in a tunnel.

Victor Marx says things out loud that he
just seems to have hallucinated, the

way AI does sometimes when it tells you
that the key ingredient in fettuccine is

glue.

Victor says he rescued 45 ,000 people
from predators, which is about 45 ,000

more than anyone can verify.

He says he called in an airstrike that
killed 70 ISIS fighters, which is

impressive considering at the time he
was not in the military.

He says he was forced to kill a man when
he was seven. And when a reporter

asked, do you think you killed people as
an adult? His answer was, does it

matter?

I think it does.

Thank you very much. I want to thank my
guests, Ian Brunner, Hagar Shamali, and

David Sedaris. Love Random Drops every
Monday on YouTube, or listen wherever

get your podcasts.

Don't go watch Overtime on YouTube.

And thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

i appreciate it thank you very much
thank you guys