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Let's get right into the top story of
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Let's get right into the top story of
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Let's get right into the top story of
the day. There's mounting pressure on
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the day. There's mounting pressure on
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the day. There's mounting pressure on
the Federal Reserve to keep interest
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the Federal Reserve to keep interest
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the Federal Reserve to keep interest
RATES LOW AS PSYCH! HOW ABOUT THOSE
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RATES LOW AS PSYCH! HOW ABOUT THOSE
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RATES LOW AS PSYCH! HOW ABOUT THOSE
KNICKS?
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KNICKS?
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>> [cheering]
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>> [cheering]
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>> [cheering]
>> MADNESS AT THE MECCA.
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>> MADNESS AT THE MECCA.
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>> MADNESS AT THE MECCA.
THIS MORNING THE Knicks mounted the
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THIS MORNING THE Knicks mounted the
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THIS MORNING THE Knicks mounted the
greatest comeback in NBA Finals history.
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>> [cheering]
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>> [cheering]
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>> [cheering]
>> And watch parties around New York
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>> And watch parties around New York
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>> And watch parties around New York
breaking OUT INTO BEDLAM.
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MANY FANS ERUPTING EVEN IN THE SKIES.
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>> IT WAS AMAZING. Although those
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>> IT WAS AMAZING. Although those
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>> IT WAS AMAZING. Although those
passengers shouldn't celebrate too hard.
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passengers shouldn't celebrate too hard.
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passengers shouldn't celebrate too hard.
Wemby could swat you out of the sky.
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Wemby could swat you out of the sky.
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Wemby could swat you out of the sky.
But oh my god, winning in the final
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But oh my god, winning in the final
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But oh my god, winning in the final
moments after being 29 points behind?
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moments after being 29 points behind?
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moments after being 29 points behind?
Wasn't it just a win for the Knicks? It
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Wasn't it just a win for the Knicks? It
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Wasn't it just a win for the Knicks? It
was a win for all of us who like to put
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was a win for all of us who like to put
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was a win for all of us who like to put
things off UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE.
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things off UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE.
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things off UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE.
>> [cheering]
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[applause]
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[applause]
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[applause]
>> I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE I'M NOT GOING TO DO
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>> I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE I'M NOT GOING TO DO
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>> I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE I'M NOT GOING TO DO
MY TAXES, but just wait until I've GOT
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MY TAXES, but just wait until I've GOT
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MY TAXES, but just wait until I've GOT
TWO SECONDS LEFT ON THE CLOCK.
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TWO SECONDS LEFT ON THE CLOCK.
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TWO SECONDS LEFT ON THE CLOCK.
IT ALL just goes to show you never, ever
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IT ALL just goes to show you never, ever
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IT ALL just goes to show you never, ever
give up on your dreams. Unless your
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give up on your dreams. Unless your
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give up on your dreams. Unless your
dreams are to beat the Knicks in the
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dreams are to beat the Knicks in the
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dreams are to beat the Knicks in the
FINALS CUZ THAT AIN'T HAPPENING.
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FINALS CUZ THAT AIN'T HAPPENING.
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FINALS CUZ THAT AIN'T HAPPENING.
>> [cheering]
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>> [cheering]
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>> [cheering]
[applause]
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>> AND IF THE FANS WERE THAT EXCITED, the
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>> AND IF THE FANS WERE THAT EXCITED, the
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>> AND IF THE FANS WERE THAT EXCITED, the
guy who actually won the game must have
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guy who actually won the game must have
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guy who actually won the game must have
been losing his damn mind.
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been losing his damn mind.
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been losing his damn mind.
>> You just hit the game-winning shot in an
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>> You just hit the game-winning shot in an
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>> You just hit the game-winning shot in an
NBA Finals game in front of your home
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NBA Finals game in front of your home
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NBA Finals game in front of your home
crowd. How does that feel?
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crowd. How does that feel?
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crowd. How does that feel?
>> Uh it feels cool. I mean, everyone's
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>> Uh it feels cool. I mean, everyone's
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>> Uh it feels cool. I mean, everyone's
pretty excited. Um I'm excited, too.
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>> I mean, I really wanted to be a dancer,
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>> I mean, I really wanted to be a dancer,
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>> I mean, I really wanted to be a dancer,
but you know, basketball's cool, too.
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but you know, basketball's cool, too.
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but you know, basketball's cool, too.
But let's move on to our top story
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But let's move on to our top story
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But let's move on to our top story
because the good vibes just keep on
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because the good vibes just keep on
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because the good vibes just keep on
rolling. Turns out the Iran war is
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rolling. Turns out the Iran war is
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rolling. Turns out the Iran war is
almost over.
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almost over.
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almost over.
>> Breaking news from the White House where
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>> Breaking news from the White House where
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>> Breaking news from the White House where
President Trump has just called off his
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President Trump has just called off his
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President Trump has just called off his
threat to bomb Iran tonight. He quote
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threat to bomb Iran tonight. He quote
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threat to bomb Iran tonight. He quote
understands that the supreme leader of
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understands that the supreme leader of
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understands that the supreme leader of
Iran has approved of a deal to end the
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Iran has approved of a deal to end the
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Iran has approved of a deal to end the
war with Iran.
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war with Iran.
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war with Iran.
>> Will the Strait will officially open
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>> Will the Strait will officially open
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>> Will the Strait will officially open
as soon as we sign, which could be soon,
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as soon as we sign, which could be soon,
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as soon as we sign, which could be soon,
very soon, maybe over the weekend in
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very soon, maybe over the weekend in
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very soon, maybe over the weekend in
Europe.
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Europe.
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Europe.
I won't be able to be there.
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I won't be able to be there.
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I won't be able to be there.
>> [laughter]
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>> Why are you not going to the ceremony
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>> Why are you not going to the ceremony
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>> Why are you not going to the ceremony
you just invented?
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you just invented?
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you just invented?
What could you have going on that's more
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What could you have going on that's more
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What could you have going on that's more
important than ending a war? Donald
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important than ending a war? Donald
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important than ending a war? Donald
Trump will ring in his 80th birthday
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Trump will ring in his 80th birthday
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Trump will ring in his 80th birthday
with a UFC cage match on the White House
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with a UFC cage match on the White House
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with a UFC cage match on the White House
lawn.
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lawn.
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lawn.
>> Oh, well.
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>> Oh, well.
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>> Oh, well.
Yes. No.
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Yes. No.
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Yes. No.
No, no, no.
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No, no, no.
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No, no, no.
This It makes sense, okay? Cuz peace in
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This It makes sense, okay? Cuz peace in
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This It makes sense, okay? Cuz peace in
the Middle East is one thing, but a UFC
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the Middle East is one thing, but a UFC
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the Middle East is one thing, but a UFC
fight is obviously more important, you
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fight is obviously more important, you
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fight is obviously more important, you
know? It's It's like how Franklin
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know? It's It's like how Franklin
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know? It's It's like how Franklin
Roosevelt missed the end of World War II
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Roosevelt missed the end of World War II
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Roosevelt missed the end of World War II
to be at WrestleMania.
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>> [laughter]
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>> But regardless of whether Donald Trump
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>> But regardless of whether Donald Trump
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>> But regardless of whether Donald Trump
is there or not, the US and Iran have
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is there or not, the US and Iran have
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is there or not, the US and Iran have
reached a deal.
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reached a deal.
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reached a deal.
>> Iran says they have not reached any sort
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>> Iran says they have not reached any sort
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>> Iran says they have not reached any sort
of deal.
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>> Okay, maybe the war will keep going on
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>> Okay, maybe the war will keep going on
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>> Okay, maybe the war will keep going on
for a while, but listen, don't worry.
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for a while, but listen, don't worry.
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for a while, but listen, don't worry.
Trump is going to win this war. It's
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Trump is going to win this war. It's
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Trump is going to win this war. It's
guaranteed. He's up LIKE 29 POINTS.
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guaranteed. He's up LIKE 29 POINTS.
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guaranteed. He's up LIKE 29 POINTS.
>> [laughter]
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>> [laughter]
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>> [laughter]
>> AND IF YOU'RE worried in the meantime
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>> AND IF YOU'RE worried in the meantime
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>> AND IF YOU'RE worried in the meantime
about gas prices, relax because Trump
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about gas prices, relax because Trump
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about gas prices, relax because Trump
announced an amazing surprise.
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announced an amazing surprise.
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announced an amazing surprise.
>> Under pressure from rising gas prices,
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>> Under pressure from rising gas prices,
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>> Under pressure from rising gas prices,
the president also touted what he said
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the president also touted what he said
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the president also touted what he said
was a secret US effort to guide oil
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was a secret US effort to guide oil
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was a secret US effort to guide oil
through the Strait of Hormuz.
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through the Strait of Hormuz.
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through the Strait of Hormuz.
>> We've been taking out
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>> We've been taking out
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>> We've been taking out
millions of barrels of oil.
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millions of barrels of oil.
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millions of barrels of oil.
Nobody knows it. You know who doesn't
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Nobody knows it. You know who doesn't
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Nobody knows it. You know who doesn't
know about it? Iran until right now.
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know about it? Iran until right now.
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know about it? Iran until right now.
>> Oh,
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>> Oh,
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>> Oh,
damn! How do you like them apples, Iran?
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damn! How do you like them apples, Iran?
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damn! How do you like them apples, Iran?
Trump has been sneaking out millions of
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Trump has been sneaking out millions of
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Trump has been sneaking out millions of
barrels of oil from the Strait, and you
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barrels of oil from the Strait, and you
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barrels of oil from the Strait, and you
never knew about it because it was never
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never knew about it because it was never
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never knew about it because it was never
reported.
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reported.
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reported.
>> The effort has been previously reported
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>> The effort has been previously reported
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>> The effort has been previously reported
about.
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about.
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about.
>> Okay. Well, the New York Times reported
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>> Okay. Well, the New York Times reported
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>> Okay. Well, the New York Times reported
it, but Iran doesn't read The Times.
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it, but Iran doesn't read The Times.
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it, but Iran doesn't read The Times.
They just subscribe to Play Connections.
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They just subscribe to Play Connections.
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They just subscribe to Play Connections.
Okay, but
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Okay, but
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Okay, but
maybe Iran knows, but Trump says we took
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maybe Iran knows, but Trump says we took
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maybe Iran knows, but Trump says we took
out 100 million barrels last month.
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out 100 million barrels last month.
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out 100 million barrels last month.
That's got to be what, like a year's
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That's got to be what, like a year's
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That's got to be what, like a year's
worth of oil?
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worth of oil?
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worth of oil?
>> The president this week said the
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>> The president this week said the
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>> The president this week said the
military has helped move 100 million
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military has helped move 100 million
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military has helped move 100 million
barrels of oil, which is about 1 day's
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barrels of oil, which is about 1 day's
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barrels of oil, which is about 1 day's
worth of global oil consumption.
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worth of global oil consumption.
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worth of global oil consumption.
>> One day? You're bragging about taking a
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>> One day? You're bragging about taking a
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>> One day? You're bragging about taking a
month to steal one day of oil? It's like
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month to steal one day of oil? It's like
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month to steal one day of oil? It's like
doing a full-body shower for a date and
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doing a full-body shower for a date and
239
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:30,508
doing a full-body shower for a date and
then showing up and HE'S A DRUMMER.
240
00:04:30,508 --> 00:04:30,518
then showing up and HE'S A DRUMMER.
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00:04:30,518 --> 00:04:32,550
then showing up and HE'S A DRUMMER.
>> [laughter]
242
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243
00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:34,070
>> I UNDERSTAND WHY Trump is feeling
244
00:04:34,070 --> 00:04:34,080
>> I UNDERSTAND WHY Trump is feeling
245
00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:36,430
>> I UNDERSTAND WHY Trump is feeling
celebratory. This weekend is his
246
00:04:36,430 --> 00:04:36,440
celebratory. This weekend is his
247
00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:39,870
celebratory. This weekend is his
birthday, and he made it to 80 with a
248
00:04:39,870 --> 00:04:39,880
birthday, and he made it to 80 with a
249
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,070
birthday, and he made it to 80 with a
little help.
250
00:04:41,070 --> 00:04:41,080
little help.
251
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:42,990
little help.
>> According to the Washington Post, Trump
252
00:04:42,990 --> 00:04:43,000
>> According to the Washington Post, Trump
253
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:45,310
>> According to the Washington Post, Trump
saw 22 medical specialists at his most
254
00:04:45,310 --> 00:04:45,320
saw 22 medical specialists at his most
255
00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:47,550
saw 22 medical specialists at his most
recent checkup, the most ever by a
256
00:04:47,550 --> 00:04:47,560
recent checkup, the most ever by a
257
00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:49,790
recent checkup, the most ever by a
sitting president.
258
00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:49,800
sitting president.
259
00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:51,110
sitting president.
>> No wonder I can't get a doctor's
260
00:04:51,110 --> 00:04:51,120
>> No wonder I can't get a doctor's
261
00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:52,750
>> No wonder I can't get a doctor's
appointment. Half the medical profession
262
00:04:52,750 --> 00:04:52,760
appointment. Half the medical profession
263
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:54,630
appointment. Half the medical profession
is busy duct taping together the world's
264
00:04:54,630 --> 00:04:54,640
is busy duct taping together the world's
265
00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:57,909
is busy duct taping together the world's
healthiest man.
266
00:04:57,909 --> 00:04:57,919
267
00:04:57,919 --> 00:04:59,830
Although, to be fair, 22 specialists is
268
00:04:59,830 --> 00:04:59,840
Although, to be fair, 22 specialists is
269
00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:01,990
Although, to be fair, 22 specialists is
not that many, you know, it's just your
270
00:05:01,990 --> 00:05:02,000
not that many, you know, it's just your
271
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,430
not that many, you know, it's just your
standard cardiologist, urologist,
272
00:05:04,430 --> 00:05:04,440
standard cardiologist, urologist,
273
00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:07,350
standard cardiologist, urologist,
neurologist, internal poopologist, uh
274
00:05:07,350 --> 00:05:07,360
neurologist, internal poopologist, uh
275
00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:09,909
neurologist, internal poopologist, uh
Dr. Pepper, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman,
276
00:05:09,909 --> 00:05:09,919
Dr. Pepper, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman,
277
00:05:09,919 --> 00:05:11,390
Dr. Pepper, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman,
gynecologist for his neck, and of
278
00:05:11,390 --> 00:05:11,400
gynecologist for his neck, and of
279
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,909
gynecologist for his neck, and of
course, a stripper dressed like a doctor
280
00:05:13,909 --> 00:05:13,919
course, a stripper dressed like a doctor
281
00:05:13,919 --> 00:05:16,110
course, a stripper dressed like a doctor
who says, "Your test results are back,
282
00:05:16,110 --> 00:05:16,120
who says, "Your test results are back,
283
00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:19,030
who says, "Your test results are back,
and they're bad."
284
00:05:19,030 --> 00:05:19,040
and they're bad."
285
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:20,190
and they're bad."
No, but seriously, you have high
286
00:05:20,190 --> 00:05:20,200
No, but seriously, you have high
287
00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:21,830
No, but seriously, you have high
cholesterol.
288
00:05:21,830 --> 00:05:21,840
cholesterol.
289
00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:23,990
cholesterol.
But yes, Trump is turning 80, and no
290
00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:24,000
But yes, Trump is turning 80, and no
291
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:26,110
But yes, Trump is turning 80, and no
need to get him a gift. He already has
292
00:05:26,110 --> 00:05:26,120
need to get him a gift. He already has
293
00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:28,110
need to get him a gift. He already has
the thing that he wants most.
294
00:05:28,110 --> 00:05:28,120
the thing that he wants most.
295
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:29,990
the thing that he wants most.
>> The reflecting pool's finished, filled
296
00:05:29,990 --> 00:05:30,000
>> The reflecting pool's finished, filled
297
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:30,950
>> The reflecting pool's finished, filled
with water.
298
00:05:30,950 --> 00:05:30,960
with water.
299
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,070
with water.
>> Looks beautiful. Everybody's looking at
300
00:05:33,070 --> 00:05:33,080
>> Looks beautiful. Everybody's looking at
301
00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:34,790
>> Looks beautiful. Everybody's looking at
that reflecting pool. They can't believe
302
00:05:34,790 --> 00:05:34,800
that reflecting pool. They can't believe
303
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,230
that reflecting pool. They can't believe
it. But it's really beautiful. It's
304
00:05:36,230 --> 00:05:36,240
it. But it's really beautiful. It's
305
00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:37,670
it. But it's really beautiful. It's
something for you to see. It's uh
306
00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:37,680
something for you to see. It's uh
307
00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:38,710
something for you to see. It's uh
incredible.
308
00:05:38,710 --> 00:05:38,720
incredible.
309
00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:41,630
incredible.
>> Yes, yes, it's so incredible. Sure,
310
00:05:41,630 --> 00:05:41,640
>> Yes, yes, it's so incredible. Sure,
311
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:43,790
>> Yes, yes, it's so incredible. Sure,
maybe Donald Trump can't fight a war, or
312
00:05:43,790 --> 00:05:43,800
maybe Donald Trump can't fight a war, or
313
00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:46,230
maybe Donald Trump can't fight a war, or
end a war, or steal any oil, or get a
314
00:05:46,230 --> 00:05:46,240
end a war, or steal any oil, or get a
315
00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:47,750
end a war, or steal any oil, or get a
checkup without seeing two dozen
316
00:05:47,750 --> 00:05:47,760
checkup without seeing two dozen
317
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:50,710
checkup without seeing two dozen
doctors, but the man can keep a pool
318
00:05:50,710 --> 00:05:50,720
doctors, but the man can keep a pool
319
00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:52,070
doctors, but the man can keep a pool
crystal clear.
320
00:05:52,070 --> 00:05:52,080
crystal clear.
321
00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:54,750
crystal clear.
>> Algae has been spotted inside the newly
322
00:05:54,750 --> 00:05:54,760
>> Algae has been spotted inside the newly
323
00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:56,910
>> Algae has been spotted inside the newly
renovated Lincoln Memorial Reflecting
324
00:05:56,910 --> 00:05:56,920
renovated Lincoln Memorial Reflecting
325
00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:57,910
renovated Lincoln Memorial Reflecting
Pool.
326
00:05:57,910 --> 00:05:57,920
Pool.
327
00:05:57,920 --> 00:06:00,590
Pool.
>> Oh, now even Trump's pool needs 22
328
00:06:00,590 --> 00:06:00,600
>> Oh, now even Trump's pool needs 22
329
00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:02,870
>> Oh, now even Trump's pool needs 22
specialists.
330
00:06:02,870 --> 00:06:02,880
specialists.
331
00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:04,870
specialists.
You do not want the pool to turn green.
332
00:06:04,870 --> 00:06:04,880
You do not want the pool to turn green.
333
00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:06,550
You do not want the pool to turn green.
Otherwise, John Fetterman might confuse
334
00:06:06,550 --> 00:06:06,560
Otherwise, John Fetterman might confuse
335
00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:11,510
Otherwise, John Fetterman might confuse
it for the swamp he grew up in.
336
00:06:11,510 --> 00:06:11,520
337
00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:13,270
Oh, a lot of Fetterman fans in the
338
00:06:13,270 --> 00:06:13,280
Oh, a lot of Fetterman fans in the
339
00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:15,390
Oh, a lot of Fetterman fans in the
audience. Okay.
340
00:06:15,390 --> 00:06:15,400
audience. Okay.
341
00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:17,070
audience. Okay.
But look, this is tough because Trump
342
00:06:17,070 --> 00:06:17,080
But look, this is tough because Trump
343
00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:18,909
But look, this is tough because Trump
wanted the pool to be a symbol of his
344
00:06:18,909 --> 00:06:18,919
wanted the pool to be a symbol of his
345
00:06:18,919 --> 00:06:20,830
wanted the pool to be a symbol of his
accomplishments as president, and now
346
00:06:20,830 --> 00:06:20,840
accomplishments as president, and now
347
00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:23,310
accomplishments as president, and now
it's just a revolting mess of foul
348
00:06:23,310 --> 00:06:23,320
it's just a revolting mess of foul
349
00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:29,000
it's just a revolting mess of foul
slime. So, yeah, that seems about right.
29120
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