All language subtitles for EPORNER.COM - [xLrr8nvm3j4] The Sex Contest (USA 1975, Darby Lloyd Raines, Bree Anthony) (360)

Pictures of large and $3 ,000 climax
already in progress.

Aha! And now it's time for one of my
favorites, the Pokey Pool.

And I'm keeping score, Emanuela.

Aha! Is everybody ready? Is everybody
warmed up? The clock is on.

One, two, three.

Oh, Emanuela.

Oh, she's loving it. Oh, look at
Nielsen.

Nielsen, oh, he sees those big bucks.

There he goes.

Come on, that's it. That's it, come on.

No mouth.

Oh, yeah.

Come on, come on. The clock

is running out.

Oh, wonderful. There we go.

Oh, come on, big money. The clock is
running out. Running out.

Oh,

big

on the first plateau.

Emmanuella was good for 39 .5 last week,
but she hasn't reached the big one. The

big climax.

Oh, oh.

Oh, no fingers.

Oh, pull that pokey.

I love it.

Are you cheating?

Oh, she doesn't cheat.

Oh, what a beautiful job.

Oh, yes.

Abiding by the rules. Oh, I love it.

I caught her. She's tricky. She thought
she caught me.

You can fall.

Guests of Climax are flown in on
transsexual airlines. When you fly

you're in for a change.

While in town, guests stay at the
Vacancy Motel. Limousines provided by

Shuttlecock Limousine Service.

This was a Daddy Divine production.

This is Wendell Pardo.

Come in, come in.

You all gave your names to my
secretaries, right?

I don't deal in names. I'm just going to
give you a number. You're number one.

You sit right here. You're number two.
You sit down there. And number three,

can sit on the end.

So you all want to be on the $50 ,000
climax, right?

Tell me something, number one. Why do
you want to be on the $50 ,000 climax?

Because I'd love to perform on your
show.

Oh, what bullshit. Number two, why would
you like to be on the $50 ,000 climax?

Because I really, really need the money.

Well, at least you're honest. Number
three, how about yourself?

Well, I want to be a star. I want
everybody to see me. You know, my

neighbors back home. Everybody wants to
be a star.

Have you ever performed before? I mean,
anywhere in public? Oh, sure.

Her husband came in and watched us three
hours. Her husband came into the

apartment. Did that bother you? I mean,
can you... Not at all. What about you,

number one? Could you possibly perform
sexually in public? Definitely. I

wouldn't be here otherwise.

Well, uh...

How would you feel about doing something
right now? Why don't you stand up, take

your clothes off, and let's see what you
can do. Right here now? In this room?

Right here now, and get with it. I
haven't got all day.

Oh, right. I don't believe it.

Not bad.

Just throw it on me.

Yeah,

that's a good idea. You sit down. Number
two, why don't you go down on his

joint?

Number one, why don't you join her?

Hey, sweetheart, why don't you get off
your knees and sit on his face?

That's what I want to see. Action!

That's what the television audience
wants to see.

Yeah, number one.

of a bear market.

What the hell is this?

What is this?

What do you mean nothing in my dressing
room?

What the fuck is this? What is this?
What's the matter with you?

You honky -tonk. What do you mean honky
-tonk? What are you doing in my dressing

room? I'm going to see you for the show.

Audition? Well, where else?

There's all kinds of places I don't...
Hey, what are you...

This is my dressing room.

This is my dressing room.

Just calm down.

What do you mean? What do you think is
funny?

Well, what are you looking at, you
stupid ass? I'm the producer of this

You'll do what I want to do. Oh, God,
no. We're going to do what I want to do.

This is my dressing room.

Oh, but it's mine now, Buster, because
I've got the goods on you.

You've got the goods on me just because
you caught me in here having a little

fun. Fun?

Buddy, I know what you do on the side.

What do you mean, what I do on the side?

Oh, you know very well what I mean, you
corn homer.

Well, don't stand there looking like a
dum -dum.

What are you doing?

What does it look like we're doing?

You, whatever you're doing, you're doing
very poorly, you do -do -do, Jezebel.

You look, I have a weak stomach.

What is this?

Just calm down. Stop! Just calm down.

Hey, go away. Don't bother. Go away.

What's up, buddy? Get him out of here,
will you? Come on.

Just relax.

Come on.

What for? I want to talk to you. That's
what's for. Well, I don't want to talk.

I'll finish him.

This is my dressing room.

dressing room and I'm... Who are you?

Who am I? You don't know who I am?

Here I am.

Here. Here.

Television arts and sciences is who I
am.

She's laughing at me.

Well, you're pretty funny.

Coming and throwing pies.

Hey, maybe we should leave.

Hey. Yeah, why don't you... We came here
to get on a show. What happened? You

said it was all right. Everything's
fine. I'm producing the show. I own the

show. There's not a problem.

You don't own the show. I own the show.

I own you.

Although maybe not for long.

He can manage, but he won't anymore
because he's a panty waste.

What do you mean a panty waste?

You munched diddles. That's what I mean.
I munched diddles. Yes, I happen to

know. I saw you. What do you mean you
happen to know? I've been following you

around all day long. So don't throw me
around.

What do you mean? What do you mean don't
throw me around? Well, I just, I was a

private eye for seven months, you know.
And I followed you around.

So out. Outbuster, out. We'll discuss
this later. You better believe it.

people, would you like to break that up
and let's get out of here before there's

a lot of trouble. Yeah, out. Thank you
very much. I think we can use you all on

the show. Did you hear what he said?

Out.

Now get out, you Vic Padding reject.

Just get over here. Why don't you get
out of here? I'll get them out of your

room. It's my dressing room. It's my
dressing room. In my dressing room, I am

the king of the castle.

Out.

The queen of the walk. Out of the way.
To a queen?

The guy's the boss to talk about being a
queen.

I'm the star.

You'll be sorry.

You'll come to my birthday.

Sure. They think they can treat me like
that. I never did anything to them. I

just try to make people happy, but oh
no. They have to come in here and do

thing in my dressing room.

They'll be sorry.

I hate you to do that to me. What did I
ever do to anybody?

I just try to do that to people's
autographs and things. Nobody likes me.

Everybody wants to be on television.

But when you're on television, when
you're on television, they come in and

they... Fuck!

Yes, you fuck in my dressing room.

Oh, my beautiful Ken.

I'll do it.

Mother,

they're thinking of firing me.

How can I... He knows that I know.

Mother, he's gay.

He's as gay as New Year's Eve.

Yes, I saw him. I saw him come out of a
dirty movie. I followed him around the

other day.

Because it was a gay movie, Mother.

It was never leave your buddies behind.

Go see it for yourself.

Yes.

It's a Greek army picture.

I can't help it, Mother. They do the
best they can.

Yeah.

No, Mother, please.

Mother, please.

Mother, please.

No!

Mother?

Mother? You little fat fuck.

If you ever hit me with a pie again,
I'll break both your fucking legs.

Get off the phone. I want to talk to
you.

Don't you ever interrupt an interview
like that again.

Come in there, throwing pies.

You know, that's getting very tired.
They don't even like it on the... The

audiences don't like it anymore. You
know what the ratings are happening?

a big... Don't make it.

It's not my fault.

What do you mean it's not your fault?
You're the one who's got to carry the

show. Well, you're the one responsible
for the time slot.

What do you mean I'm responsible? What's
the problem with this prime time?

I'm playing opposite Lucy reruns.

Lucy reruns? They've been rerun 15
times.

Yeah, but people watch them.

I'm not the one who arranges the show. I
just do what you tell me to.

Listen, I want you to get this place
cleaned up and get your ass out of here.

Get out of here in one air.

Mother?

I didn't know you were still there.

Yes, well, you heard it for yourself.

I'm fired.

Get up.

How do you like it?

And I'm glad.

I'm glad, Mother. I don't like it
anymore.

Close the door behind you.

Yes, Mother.

Yes. And I don't care. I hate
television. And I hate everybody who

Right. And I'm going to go to Paris and
I'm going to buy myself some new

dresses. Even a silver fox, Mother.

Yes.

Yes.

is the $50 ,000 Climax, the late -night
adult game show where contestants come

for a grand prize of $50 ,000. And now,
ladies and gentlemen, the star

of Climax, Merrill Lynch.

It's me, Merrill Lynch.

I've got something from the wedding
where our own Princess Jackie married

in Havana.

Now, John, John, and Carolyn have a new
grandfather.

Who

knows

how good...

Queen Catherine died.

One of these fell on good Queen
Catherine.

Oh, hush, my old girl, your microphone.

Oh, maybe go to see her in her box.

Anybody in there?

I wonder...

Is it gone?

It's just half gone. I don't think she
won.

You know, we've had a lot of cards and
letters about your salacious debauchery.

After all, copulation without
representation is not the American way.

It's no wonder she wasn't at the
wedding, if you know what I mean.

Can you answer a riddle?

Can you answer a little?

Ten. Oh, my goodness, you sweaty thing.

Give me a four -letter word ending in K.

That means intercourse.

Fuck. Oh!

Final question. And now for our very
first

contestant. Oh, and the postman had such
a busy week bringing us all those cards

and letters.

And I want to thank Rose in
Massachusetts. In particular, oh, what

a cute card. And my little mascot, she
sent me. I just... And for all you silly

people who don't seem to understand the
rules, you send us cards and letters

with your occupation and your
preoccupation. And we select one. It's

simple. In case of ties, we consult the
personals.

Then, if you are selected after an
audition, you simply come on our show.

And if you do our friendly little
stunts, you simply move to the next

But if somebody's on that plateau,
naturally you've got to have a finish,

move to the next plateau.

And it's kind of like, it's kind of like
scaling Everest.

There's got to be a winner.

And now, for a commercial break.

And I have my very own.

I'm a real doctor, not an actor.

I'd like you to meet a young friend of
mine.

This is Lick Wang Fu.

Lick here has multiple doppelgangers.
And as everyone knows, doppelgangers can

be a real pain in the ass, where it
begins and progresses slowly up through

hair follicles in the nostrils.

Please send your check, money order, or
IOU today so that...

Lick here can enjoy a rich, full, and
rewarding kind of...

Never mind.

And now, for the very fourth week, we
have

P .G. Del Monte and...

Niels Nielsen. Is that right?

Oh, they're great contenders. And we
also have, excuse me for looking, but

getting so cumbersome, we have Sam Moss,
our telephone repairman, if you believe

it, and Johanna Miller.

Yay!

Sorry,

that's a mommy monster job at the
library.

But... Well, what can I say? Maybe
she'll come and be a contestant. All

do you know what we're playing today?

No, I don't. You don't? You were told,
load a la mode.

Yes, it's load a la mode right here. We
told you it was game 216.

You've got to get your rule book at your
local game store.

216, load a la mode.

Bend backward and mount the diddle.

That's clear enough? You bend over and
your wife mounts your diddle.

But you must show us what comes out of
your diddle in order to

move to the new plateau.

It's World of Moon.

Are you ready? Oh, the clock is always
running.

Are you ready? Are there any questions?

Yay! Take off your shirts.

They're all moving.

Will you go to the fifth plateau?

Will you win? How is this competition
going to go?

Come on, over here. Come on. Come on,
over here. Take your position, because

it's time for Lone Alamon.

So... Oh, would you look at that?

I am telling you, I always say, if you
can't join them, lick them.

That is really good. Hear that, what
they are doing? They have mouths just

like... Archie Boker.

And Johanna told me she was a
vegetarian, but we know better.

There she goes, my goodness.

She is really warming him up, but she'd
better, she'd better abide by our rules.

But she does like the hot rod on our
used car salesman. I don't know if I

buy a used car from him, though.

think that they are finally obeying the
rules and Sam comes all

with batteries included.

Now, come on, teacher.

Better mount that ditto.

I think you got the wrong number to our
game if you want to know the truth.

That's it.

Sam is clogging that hole.

What's going on over here?

It's Joan and Sam, I just wonder if
they're going to win any money. Are you

going to win any money?

Oh, it looks like she's really busy on
that buzzer. My

goodness. Would you believe it?
Television repayment. I just wonder if I

make up names on this show. I love the
way they just did that. A new plateau.

And let's see what's going on over here.

Oh, my.

Oh, my goodness.

Would you just take a look at that? Will
you get a gander, as they say?

Oh, my goodness. It's such... Oh, yes.

Oh, it looks like a good connection.

Oh, you... Oh, TV, you can't...
Telephone, you can't answer. No, that...

they're all smiles.

Oh, that's lovely.

Oh, and a must -call Roto -Rooter. Oh,
there's nothing to do.

Oh, look at that.

My goodness.

That is certainly our mode.

But we know the rules.

We read them in the book. In order to
move to the new flat crew.

There.

Why, you're a grown man.

Oh, let me... It's getting tight.

I mean, it is tight. It's getting
tighter.

Oh.

Oh, what a station -to -station
connection I see.

It is really quite a large pole.

Bouncing up and down. It's like those
movies we used to sing in the old sing

-along. Did you look at that?

I hit the new plateau.

Will you come back next week?

Next week. Yay!

Sam, the game is over. You didn't reach
the next plateau anymore.

We're running out of time. Sam, go
deliver a dialect joke or an emergency

Go to the best and see no toll.

Sam, please.

Our home viewers know that you're a
loser.

Guess what, everybody?

Next week, it's time for our Wild West
special.

Remember Holly Hill, our lovely little
weather girl from last week who liked

westerns? Well, she's back with us
today, moving to a new plateau.

So in her honor...

We have devised our little western.

Now, our special guests are going to put
their guns through the bunkhouse wall,

and Holly has got to identify it. Okay,
will the mystery guests step

up? Here they come.

My name is Mark Stevens.

My name is Mark Stevens.

with Mark Steen.

I think our ho -pokes are ready.

So, let's see what develops in our
Western saga.

She has been in a soundproof box all
night.

Here she comes.

Out of the box. Oh, we have a wonderful
game for you because you told us you

love Westerns. Write down, follow the
leader. That's the good girl.

What we're going to do, we are going to
pretend that it's early morning and

we're going up to the bunkhouse, thought
maybe we'd just kind of saddle up and

look for some of the cowpokes.

So, let's take off the shirt because you
haven't won the money yet.

Aha, that's a girl.

Now, what you... is you kind of look.
You bend over and

you're going to look for those cowpokes.

And... When you're saddled up, you are
going to identify a mystery guest.

Oh, that's right. Have you connected
with the cowpoke?

Oh, that's a girl.

Oh, Holly is a real girl.

Uh -huh. Oh, Holly. My goodness.

This is like one of those dog games.

Oh. Can you tell us?

Back in the saddle.

Oh, she loves these westerns.

All right, enough.

We don't want to run out of time.

Let's try off.

Are you saddled up?

Oh, she feels something.

I wonder what.

How you doing there?

How we doing?

Oh, the clock is running.

I just wonder if she's going to make it
to the next plateau.

Ah, can you tell our mystery guest?

Who is it?

Do you know?

Did you watch our show last week? That
should have been a hint.

We usually try to alternate our guest
stars.

It's not Lawrence Welk, is it?

All right, you have a little time, but
maybe you'll only go to kind of a half a

plateau.

This is the one.

Oh, this is the next ticket.

Oh,

she's...

Pow, Poe.

For those of you who missed the
demonstration in your local department

haven't got your letter answered from
dear Abby, we have our special guest

Mark Stevens, demonstrating why he is a
star.

Mark, take it away.

Let's hear a hoopla hand for our happy
Humphrey Mott. And then my own

in -depth Bill Ullman interview after
this.

And now a few shots from next week's
program where Clyde Cowell will uncork

creamer and Smokey Robertson will pop
his puffer and shoot for Sheckles.

Well, Mo, it's really nice having you
here. We're glad you could make it.

you, Merrill. I'm really glad. I'm very
excited to be on your show.

It's been fun so far.

It really has. What did you think of
that little number I just did? Oh, that

wonderful. Did you see the way I turned
around?

Oh, yeah. No, I usually do that with no
hands.

No, that's good. We really like that.
Yeah.

No, tell us about your book.

Oh, I am glad you asked. Who publishes
it? Do you have the cover?

Do you have the book jacket with you?

It's a zebra book.

Well, that's... The title is, of course,
here it is. Oh, that's...

Can we get a television camera in on
this for a close -up, please?

It's a zebra book.

And because the title is Ten and a Half,
$1 .75. You can buy it anywhere.

If you can't find it, go out and order
it.

Who's the publisher?

Zebra Books.

Oh, Zebra. Yes, would you like to ask
me... Who do you see up at Zebra?

Pardon me?

Who do you see up at Zebra? Oh, no, just
order it anywhere.

Ten and a half. No, but who's the one
who published your book? Oh, Zebra

But who do you see when you go to Zebra?
No, you don't have to go to Zebra. Just

go out and order a copy of Zebra. If I
had a book I want published, who would I

see?

Well, just go to a store. No, no, it's
all right, Mark.

No, no.

Well, so what made you write this book?
It's a good book.

It's well written.

It's about, naturally, about myself and
some of my wild escapades with Tina

Russell, Georgina Spelvin.

Linda Lovelace, Marilyn Chambers, to
name a few.

You're not in it.

Why should... I don't know. I woke up
with a heart on one morning and I just

got... No, I'll tell you. It was a lot
of hard work.

I'd put in about two years in the
writing.

Over 200 hours of taping.

A lot of hard work. It's probably the
best look at pornography today or what's

really going on.

in the world of porn.

And how's it selling? And a lot of other
things.

It's selling very well. We sold over ten
and a half copies in three months.

No, we hope to sell millions, actually.

It's really a very good book, and it's
about love and freedom and fucking.

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.

Mark doesn't understand our rules.

This is a family show.

It's as American as amber waves of grain
and purple mountains and mother and

apple pie and Halloween and Easter.

So, close your eyes.

Sure. And open your mouth.

That's pretty good.

Are you selling that on the show?

No, that's just for you.

Well, what else can you do for us?
Anything?

Well... Folks at home? As a matter of
fact, why don't you wake up your dead

audience? They were awake.

If I can get a little enthusiasm from
them.

Maybe a round of applause?

I've got something else in my little
number.

Oh, he's going to do a little number for
us.

All right, yeah, great. We'd love to...
Two little numbers.

Oh, two little numbers. Two little
numbers.

Two little numbers.

Yes. And a little member.

Yes, don't tell them about the book
again. Oh, yeah. Buy ten and a half at

local Marlboro bookstore.

Thirty for a dollar.

You're such a friend, man. Nice to have
you.

I'm glad to be here.

Oh, if his foot sells as fast as he
takes off his clothes, he's gonna have a

best smeller. I'm sorry.

And now, would you please dim the
lights?

We want some...

atmosphere.

Ha ha ha ha!

And now, a word from the Peanut Butter
Association of America.

Where's the commercial, Wendell?

It stuck to the roof of his mouth,
Merrill. Forget it. Kill it.

And guess what?

Back for her regulars.

Schedule stop for the 19th week.

It's off.

Wild, high -flying, and fast.

Airline stewardess, Mindy Cruz.

Hey, give up the gas for Mindy.

Oh, Mindy, I love her. Isn't she just a
delicious doll?

And because she is, we have a very
special treat for her today. She's going

spin the lucky wheel.

And whatever she spins, when the number
stops, guess what? She's going to get

that in cash times 1 ,000. Cool.

Take it away, Mindy, and spin the wheel.

Oh, she got... Oh, look out.

Oh.

Oh, would you look at that? Oh, big
bucks in store.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, it's off. What is it, Mindy? I
believe you. I got five.

Oh, she's so lucky.

Oh. Now, if Mindy finds the dollar sign
over here, On

the Freud board, she gets the key. All
this money. Mindy, come on over. And

hopefully, hopefully, she can avoid
Freud.

Okay, Mindy. Come on back here so they
can see you at the airport.

Okay. Now, four of these are blank.

And we have some...

Doctors, if you can't avoid Freud. And,
of course, the big money sign.

So turn one over, Mindy. Let's see if
she's going to get the money free and

clear. Or maybe not.

Oh, good, Mindy. Or maybe.

Oh, poor Mindy. Oh, there goes the
money.

Oh, but possibly, if she turns over the
next dollar sign, guess what?

She gets half the money. All the money.
Daddy divine.

Do it, Mindy. Come on. Pick another one.

Oh, that is really great.

Come on.

Come on, Mindy.

Schedule a flight.

Oh, Mindy, my goodness.

Oh, would you look at that. Well, she
didn't win the money this week, but...

She has a chance to consult with our
physicians, who are also moving to a new

plateau. Do we have a doctor in the
house?

Oh, and Mindy, just so you know, come on
out, doctor. I want you to see this,

too. Mindy lost the big money, so we
have to take her in for a little

But she had a chance at the big bucks,
and she blew it.

Excuse me.

Okay, so...

Take her into the office for a private
consultation.

Oh, lovely.

Hey, wait a minute.

Doctors are dumb. It's no wonder people
die. How can you give a consultation

with your clothes on?

Huh? You tell me? Take off your clothes?

I think maybe a little thrust therapy
would be in order today.

There they go.

Oh, hopefully to a new plateau.

When they'll tell all our friends at
home what all our contestants win.

Right you are. For those contestants
eliminated during the final round, an

-expense -paid extended weekend vacation
for three to Paradise Island Motel in

Duluth, Minnesota.

All contestants on Climax will receive
the home version of the $50 ,000 Climax

in a plain brown wrapper and nice
parting gifts backstage.

Now back to you, Meryl.

This looks like a remedy that these
doctors didn't get in the Reader's

Ask the bread, Mindy.

You've got the bologna.

And it's on down there.

I just wonder if they serve TV dinners
on Mindy's airline.

Half of Mindy don't get any germs.

Mindy was evicted from her hotel room
last week. It seems she didn't have a

license for a parade.

It's a very conservative hotel.

That's good, doctors. All Mindy's holes
should be filled because...

Oh, man, the lifeboat!

mouth on Mark's massive missile.

I think he's ready for a momentous
mouth.

Good, Mindy. She is really a good girl.
She reminds me a little bit of a

classical duty.

Like Fanny Hill, maybe.

Speaking of Fanny Hill, I want you all
to buy Mark's book.

It's better than Somonex.

I'm really only kidding.

And it's very strange that Mark is our
doctor today because up at the

they are calling him the pharmacist
because his book is a drug on the

I'm really only kidding.

Oh, look.

He certainly is giving you a thorough
examination.

I think Mindy has...

Push -button controls, at least our ham
actor seems to think so.

Our own Daddy Divine found Mindy and
Johnny, our ham actor, in my

very own dressing room.

Do you know that Johnny played Hamlet in
high school?

Hamlet lost.

There's Mark.

Oh, Doctor, you'd better get some
vitamin E.

But it doesn't matter because I'm going
to put Mark in our $50 ,000 Climax

Pyramidal Pigpile Playoff provided we're
not interrupted by a dismal

presidential message.

I think I'm going to send Wendell on
Mindy's airline because I know they

soup to nuts.

Did the doctors visit work?

I thank you, doctors.

Shut out this stewardess full of tonic.
Oh, that's good as... They guided their

missile right into the Milky Way. Come
on, come up here. You're going to the

next platform.

Oh, what a delicious stewardess she is.

Oh.

They'd just fly you any time, wouldn't
they? Come on, come on. Say hello to

everybody in the airport.

In the muggies, in the baggies. Oh, how
did you deal with your winner?

Oh, and you thought you were a loser,
right?

Oh, I think maybe she's a cheerleader
for the morgue.

But the game is over.

So don't you go away.

A word from our sponsor.

Meryl planned a birthday party. The
invitations read, no presents, please.

You're friends of mine. He planned to
give instead.

And so when Merrill's birthday came and
all his friends were there, Merrill gave

each one a game. It was a grand affair.

The new $50 ,000 Climax game.

Available at all your stores and local
outlets.

$39 .95.

Wasn't that commercial great?

I've just been catching up with the
rules for a great game. You're going to

it. It's called Dunk the Diddle. To

understand how the game is played, you
take your luscious lovely

around your loins, and then you simply
dunk the diddle. Are there any

questions?

No. Wonderful.

Let's go. Come on, they're dressed to be
undressed.

Let's have your climax T -shirts,
because you haven't won yet.

Uh -huh, uh -huh.

And when I blow the whistle, the clock
is running, and it's time to start. One,

two, three.

Looks fairly evenly matched.

Oh, wow. They are up and down and up.
Oh, we can't say that they have their

feet on the ground.

Oh, look. It's up to... Oh, I think
maybe... Maybe...

Oh, oh. This is an even competition
here.

Oh, I think maybe, perhaps.

Oh, the winner!

Oh, love it. Moving to a new plateau.

Ladies and

gentlemen, during the

preceding contest, the winning couple
had to be disqualified due to unfair

As you see here on instant replay, his
diddle was not dumped.

And now, guess what?

A word from our local sponsors.

After a long day at the office, you
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Nothing rolls better than Onion Brand in
plain white or Bermuda blue.

Okay, and now we're back to the big
fight. So you better close those

refrigerators and bust that jar, because
here we come.

We're down to the finish line.

Here you go, guys.

You better anoint that joint with a
little pig pile powder.

There they go.

It's caught by our guest star, Mark.

There he goes.

I think he's with Emanuella over there.

Oh,

he's got two of them.

And a long way he's got to go, too.

It looks like the invasion of the body
snatches over there.

But in our pyramidal pig pile playoff,
Mark must make four of our

pigs climax, or Emanuela must make four
climax to get the big

$50 ,000 climax gross income, and nobody
has ever, ever done

it. And if our pigs cooperate, they just
move to a new plateau.

It's really very, very exciting, but you
really must do what it says so in our

rule book. Otherwise, they just stay
there.

Mark is such a good contender. I am
really proud of him. He's got his nose

there, and that's a long way to go.

Looks like these girls are really
thinking that they want to

move to the new plateau.

That's the boy, Mark.

It looks like he's hustling books.

You know who he's on? He's on Catherine.

You remember Catherine from the
miniature Kremlin? Well, I let her out.

wouldn't keep her in there. Oh,
Emanuela.

Very good performance last week,
Emanuela, but I don't know about today.

looks like she's in a dirty movie.

That is Mark.

We can tell by the tattoo on his arm.

I certainly hope Newton Minow is
watching this.

That's it, Mark.

Very, very good. I just love his nose.

Oh, my. Oh, yes, we have a climax.

My God.

No, Mark.

Mark has reached the first climax.

Oh, Mark.

Emanuela better catch up, because Mark
just doesn't get around.

Emanuela needs that money, too.

That's the girl. Oh, Emanuela. Emanuela,
our psychic.

Hmm. Something she is.

Sees all, tells all, hears all, knows
nothing.

Hitches on Edsel.

That's a tell -demage of a job,
Emanuela.

That's it, a little Eiffel Tower. Oh,
it's Mark.

We are back to Mark.

That's it.

Oh, I think he's on Johanna.

Johanna. Oh, Johanna, is she going to?

Oh, Johanna's going to climb it.

Hello, Mark.

Mark is really doing well here today.

He is certainly the mortal of the
portal.

Oh, my goodness, she is certainly a
language thing today.

She's a real underdog.

Hold a bird's -eye view of our pig -pile
playpen.

Bonnie Hall should see this scene.

Get in there, Emanuela.

That's a $2 .99 wig.

Mark, they are so proud of him at Zebra
Books.

He's going to buy the ball and put
himself on the bestseller list.

Emanuella! Get busy, don't you want to
move to 43rd Street?

She's on 42nd Street in that psychic
parlor.

Maybe you should go visit her, because I
wonder if that's the only thing she

does on 42nd Street.

Oh, look at that! It's the towering
inferno!

Lots of flames and fire, but a lousy
construction.

Looks like Linda Lovelace might be
slinging hash.

Those girls are really in there.

Emanuela on Nils Nilsen. I hope his
Uncle Acey is watching.

You'd make Daddy Divine so very happy.

Percy, what are you looking at?

There we go.

Talk about towering infernos. Steve
McQueen should have stayed in that penal

colony.

Three little pigs playing.

with Mark Pigsty.

What?

Emanuela finally looks like she's
getting into the action.

That's what I think she does with her
clients when they come for a palmistry

a horoscope. Oh, Percy looks so bored.

Do you know what?

I think Percy should go back to Fire
Island.

on his back.

There goes Emanuela.

She really doesn't kid around.

She's been practicing all week.

It's nice to see them smile when that's
the prime pig, that smile. The other

ones, hey Percy, we're bored with you
too.

My goodness, he's looking for a sugar
daddy.

I think our pig pile has great redeeming
social value today, don't you?

It's the American way, after all. And
don't forget, I'm bullish on America.

It looks like the Rocky Mountains.

Such a prone pig. A prime pig, too. And
also a phenomenal one.

Emanuella better catch up because it's
two to nothing. Oh, she is.

That's good, Emanuella.

There goes Niels.

Oh, oh, my.

Yes.

It's two to one. That's a good girl,
Imelda Willis. She rises to every

conceivable occasion.

A liberated woman, but Mark is not one
to take it lightly.

He's going in there.

Don't forget, time is running out. We
don't want them to miss $500 ,000 worth

the million -dollar movie like they did
a couple of weeks ago.

We're getting down to the finish.

Emanuela is playing with our ham actor's
pork.

Got a girl.

Oh, look at... He really likes those
close -ups, doesn't he? That's it about

Emanuela. That looks like a little
towering inferno.

Such emotion.

What a... Oh!

That's it.

Mark, Mark.

Mark is making...

The key climax.

That away.

Oh, it's three.

Three climaxes. Emanuela.

Emanuela.

That's it.

Right on cue.

It looks like. Yes. Yes. Oh, it's two
for Emanuela. It's three. Oh, my

That is certainly a climax. Oh, it's
Percy.

It's now 3 -3.

Nobody was ever so close to winning.

Mark is... I don't believe it.

Mark is doing it. No, he's done it. Mark
has done it. He's made four picks for

us. Never have four picks for us.

$50 ,000.

What are you going to do with all that
money?

Meryl, I can't accept it.

What? I can't accept it.

I'd like to give this to a charity of my
choice. Is that okay?

I'd like to give this check to the
Retired Home for Porno Stars.

Oh, and they need it?

They get old before their time. I also
want to thank my mother and especially

cock. I want to thank my cock for
helping me.

And please, don't forget to buy my book.

Please. Oh, wow, Meryl. Oh, this is
wonderful.

Oh,

a big hand for our champ.

Oh, man, don't you just love... The home
for retired porno

stars. Mmm, that's delicious.

They're such a scuzzy group.

You have seen the grand climax.

It's... It's the death of the diddle.

I did promise that I would do
commercials just like Barbara Walters.

So, you'll have to bear with me for a
little message.

Vulgar of manner!

Directed by James Woods, starring J .P.
Carradine as Merrill Lynch, Mark Stevens

as Mark Stevens, and Kevin Andre as the
producer.

Contestants were chosen at random from
our studio audience the week before.

Production manager, W .R. Fowler.
Cameraman, Dick Carballo. Assistant

Richie Felder. Sound man, Larry Probo.
Set designer, John Lawless.

Script supervisor, Jody Petrillo.

Game shirts by Decadence New York. This
has been a Daddy Divine production.

Wendell Pardo here.

Good night, everybody, and God bless.