All language subtitles for Drop Dead Diva (2009) - S06E05 - Cheers & Jeers (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 Celdra)_track3_[eng]

See that
aspiring model there?

That's me, Deb,

until the day I died.

I thought I'd go
straight to heaven,

but there was
a bit of a mix-up,

and I woke up
in someone else's body.

So now, I'm Jane,

a super-busy lawyer
with my very own assistant.

I got a new life,
a new wardrobe,

and the only people
who really know
what's going on with me

are my girlfriend, Stacy,

and my guardian angel, Paul.

I used to think everything
happened for a reason.

Whoo!

Well, I sure hope I was right.

♪ La, la-la, la-la-la-la

♪ La, la-la, la

Good morning.

Stacy, are those...

Stella McCartney
eco faux riding boots

with sustainable
wooden heels?

Oh, my God! Aah!

I know. I feel like
the world's sexiest gazelle.

You look so awesome.

But, you know,
you are gonna be
a mom soon.

You can't go on
crazy shopping
binges anymore.

I didn't. Paul did.

They look good, huh?

Mmm-hmm.

Well, that was
very generous.

Hey, Paul. Hmm?

Do you understand
what "unpaid intern" means?

For you.

A sumptuous leather
two-tone tote

that can hold client files,
a tablet,

and a fabulous pair
of shoes?

With a satin bow.

Well, you ladies
have been so nice to me,

letting me crash
at your house.

Not freaking out
when I accidentally

shredded your
tax returns.You shredded my...

I just wanted to
show my appreciation.

So please enjoy.

So...you want to
borrow these sexy boots

so Grayson
can slide them off you,

or are you two
still just kissing?

You know,
there is nothing wrong
with kissing.

It can be very romantic
and satisfying.

Yeah, if you're 12.

You know what?
I'm glad that Grayson
is taking his time

because it will
be really special
when it finally happens.

I'm just saying it's time
to take the kissing
up a notch.

Or is that down
a notch? Mmm.

Oh, my God.

A... A reporter
from the Los Angeles Post

wants to see me
about a story.

That's great,
but we were talking about
you and Grayson and S-E-X.

No. You know what?
I got to go.

I got to go to work,
and I got to break
in my new bag.

Oh, my gosh.

♪ Now, baby, baby, baby,
don't you try to...

Good morning, Teri.

♪ I'm two steps
ahead of you

♪ Two steps
ahead of youTeri.

♪ Been checking out
your whereabouts

♪ And who you're with
and...Teri.

Professional cheerleader
meltdown video

from last night's
L.A. Breaker basketball game.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Okay.

Oh! You did that
on purpose,
youbitch!

Oh, she's a hot mess.

I love when
she shoves her finger

in the
blond Barbie Doll's face.

And when
she stomped her foot,

and she was like,
"You're making me
look bad!"

Wow. That's some drama. And Iquit!

Hi. Rosemary Mills
with the Los Angeles Post.

Oh. I'm writing a story

on Chelsea Putnam
of the Breaker Girls.

I'm here to
meet Jane Bingum.

Hi.
I am Jane.

It's really nice
to meet you.

Uh, please.

Our house is close
to a DWP substation.

Their access road
runs right past
our property.

For years,
we've complained
to management

about employees
speeding on the road...

60, 70 miles an hour.

It's zoned for 30.

I take it your complaints
fell on deaf ears.

Last month,
Holly was nearly run down
while riding her bicycle.

Michael saw it happen.

A guy came speeding
around the corner.

She jumped out of the way,
and he ran over her bike.

Didn't even stop.

I scraped my knee.

At that point, we decided
to take matters
into our own hands.

I rented
a cement mixer,

and Michael and I
installed speed bumps.

The cars slowed down,
but then one of
the DWP employees

complained to the city,
who removed the bumps.

Then the city sent us a bill
for their cleanup work.

$75,000.

We don't have
that kind of money.

Our home has been
in the Maxwell Family

for three generations,
and now the city's saying

they're gonna
take it from us
if we don't pay up.

They can threaten
all they want.

We're not gonna
let that happen.

I'm really sorry
about before.

Uh, my assistant
and I...

Sometimes act out
popular online videos.

You should see her
do the grumpy cat.

Anyway, uh, Rosemary,

why exactly did you want
to speak to me?

I had tracked down Chelsea
after last night's game,

hoping to write
a human-interest
piece on her.

When she told me
what led to her breakdown,

I realized there was
a potential lawsuit.

And we were hoping
you'd represent her.

Oh, okay.

Uh, well, would you mind
waiting for us out
in the lobby?

Excuse me?

Well, you have to leave,

or attorney/client
confidentiality
would be violated.

But I was promised
exclusive access
to write my story.

I'd like her to stay.

Okay, well,
I just need you to sign
this confidentiality waver.

No problem. Okay.

Great. So, in this case,
please continue.

Well, I joined
the Breaker Girls
this season.

I used to watch
all the games
with my father,

and I know
it probably sounds silly

but cheerleading
is what I always
wanted to do.

It doesn't sound silly
to me.

For months, I've been
bullied by the squad...

Mostly the head cheerleader,
Ally Roth.

And since
I'm the new girl,

I figured there'd
be some hazing, but...

It's been far worse
than I ever imagined.

How so? Well, for starters,

Ally's always
harshing on my body.

When I skipped
a voluntary practice,

she left me a message
promising to...

"Whip my fat ass
into shape."

And then, the other day,
I was eating a cookie,

and she grabbed it
out of my hand

and shoved it
down my pants...

Said it was
going straight to
my hips anyway.

Oh, my God.

And then
there's the name-calling.

She nicknamed me
"Slutface"

and insisted that
the other girls
call me that.

They also attacked me
on social media,

calling me a ho...
Stuff like that.

And no one
stands up for you?

No, the other girls,
they want to be
in Ally's good graces

because she assigns
the personal appearances.

Most people assume that
professional cheerleaders
are well-paid.

They only make
$100 per game

and nothing
for practices.

Wow, I had no idea.

Personal appearances
are the way to
make real money.

Chelsea, have you
complained to management?

Yeah, and they said
that if I wasn't happy,
I could quit.

Okay. Tell me
about last night.

Ally intentionally stepped
on my foot during our routine,

and I... I couldn't
take it anymore, so...

I lost it.

It's okay.

You know what?
Here's the plan.

We're gonna sue the pants
off the Breakers

for allowing Ally
and her posse to
be such monsters.

No.No?

I don't want the money.

I just want to make sure
that future cheerleaders

aren't treated like I was.

Can you sue for that?

Yeah. You can.

And we will.

There's nothing that I hate
more than bullies.

Hey.

I was thinking maybe
we'd do a movie night
this Friday.

Yeah. A movie night.
Yeah, that sounds fun.

Or maybe...

I'll bring
takeout Chinese

and a copy of
It Happened One Night.

It's a date.

Out of my way, intern!
Get Stacy on the phone now!

Sure thing, boss.

Got her.

Grayson's coming over
Friday night.

Oh, that's great.

No, you don't understand.

He is bringing Chinese food
and It Happened One Night.

Oh, my God.

That's the same date
he planned

the first night
he and Deb...

You first had S-E-X.

Yeah.I am going to
go out right now

and buy you
some new candles.

No, no, no way.
Forget the candles.

Hit La Perla and get me
their sexiest lingerie.

It's "go" time.

As general counsel
of the L.A. Breakers,

I am authorized
to offer your client
a $3,000 severance.

Well, goodness.

What does she have to do
in exchange
for such largess?

Execute this standard
confidentiality agreement,

and we...
No. No, no.

Chelsea has no plans
to sell her silence.

Instead, we demand
an immediate change

to the way
the Breaker Girls operate.

Even if
your allegations are true,
the team is not responsible.

Breaker Girls are
not employees.

They're independent
contractors.

The team management
exercises control

over all aspects of
Breaker Girl performances,

so that means
they are employees.

And since Chelsea
put you on notice,

the team is liable
for failing to protect her.

Are you threatening
to sue us?

Oh, it's not just a threat.
Oh, no, no, no.

See, I plan to
depose the entire squad,

and you can bet
your little pompoms

that we'll be seeing you
in court.

Teri...
I got to get out of here.

Oh, no, you are not
taking lunch

until you unjam
the photocopier,

replace the empty
water cooler,

and catch the rat
in the file room.

No, I mean I got to leave
and find a paying job.

The first bill for
my new credit card came.

They want $6,200
by the end of the month.

So that's how
you bought Jane
that new briefcase.

Please tell me
you understand
how credit cards work.

There was a dude
at the mall.

He was offering
a free t-shirt
if I signed up for one.

I told him
I worked at a law firm.

He said I needed
a credit card.

He said I could
just buy things
and pay for them later.

I didn't realize
later would come so soon.

Have you told Jane? Absolutely not.

She's constantly accusing me
of being irresponsible.

I can't imagine why.

My only solution
is to quit the internship

and find a paying job
as a barista.

Or a surgeon.

Paul, if you left,
who do you think

would have to
unjam the copier
and catch the rats?

You. Exactly.
So I'm gonna help you.

I will send
the credit card company

a very strongly
worded letter
on firm stationery.

Get me the papers
that you had to sign,

and I'll try to find a way
to scare them into
canceling your debt.

You'd do that for me?

For you? Yeah.

And I hate rats.

Ally, you're the head
cheerleader

for the Breaker Girls. Yes, I am.

And are you aware
of Chelsea Putnam's

allegations against
you and the team?

Yes. So pathetic.

Her accusations
are false.

Julie,
have you ever witnessed
any bullying or hazing

or harassment while being
a part of the Breaker Girls?

No. Behavior like that
would not be tolerated
by the squad.

Were you ever told
to call Chelsea
derogatory names?

No. And I always told her
she had nice hair.

Do you recall Ally Roth

shoving a cookie
down Chelsea Putnam's pants?

No. Of course not. Never.

Why would she lie? I have no idea.

Lisa, were you ever
encouraged to be cruel
to Chelsea Putnam?

No. No.

The girl needs help.

Did you ever hear
Ally say demeaning
comments to Chelsea?

No. Absolutely not.

Tell me about the night
Ally stepped
on Chelsea's foot.

Stuff like that
happens in routines.
It was an accident.

Chelsea's a sweet girl,

but sometimes
she can be too sensitive.

Mr. And Mrs. Maxwell
are good Samaritans.
They're not vandals.

They were just trying to
protect their children
from speeding traffic.

I mean, can't the city
just chalk it up

as a misunderstanding
and forget the 75 grand?

I'm sorry, Owen,
but, in this case,

the city attorney's office
doesn't have
that discretion.

Oh, come on.
There's always
a deal to be made.

Well, I probably
shouldn't say anything,

but it turns out that
a general manager
at the DWP

is good buddies
with the mayor,

and he was
driving his sports car,

hit one of those
speed bumps,

blew out two tires,
and bent his rims.

And he got the mayor
to pressure your boss
to go after our clients?

Yeah, but, uh,
you didn't hear that
from me.

Under the doctrine
of necessity,

my clients built
speed bumps

to avert an accident
on an unsafe road.

They cannot be held liable
for repairs,

and the lien
against their house
should be voided.

You do know
that traffic control

is the sole responsibility
of government.

Imagine the chaos
that would ensue
if we allowed people

to determine
what a safe speed limit was

or where it was okay
to make a left turn.

You guys want
to go to court
and argue necessity,

go ahead,
but you know
you're gonna lose.

Thank you so much
for meeting me.

Oh, sure. I thought
it would be nice

to get to know you better
for the story.

Oh, well,
I'm an open book.

And I wanted to thank you
for bringing me this case.

Of course.

How did the depositions go
today?

The cheerleaders
closed ranks,
and they gave me nothing.

So...

Hold on
one second. Sir.

Sir, can you
turn the volume up
on the TV, please?

...to be the new face
of the anti-bullying
movement?

Well, I think
my story proves

that bullies come
in all shapes and sizes

and that their actions
should not be tolerated.

Did you know
Chelsea was going on TV?

No, I did not.

I hear there's some interest
in your life rights
for a book or movie.

Well, that's flattering.

Um, but I just want
to focus on changing
the culture of harassment

within the Breaker Girls.

Thank you, Chelsea,
and good luck.

I thought I had
an exclusive.

But I guess
I can't blame her...

Thanks to
her televised breakdown,
her story's gone national.

Anyway,
back to the case.

Without the supporting
testimony of
the cheerleaders,

what can you do?

Oh, well, you know, I can
always look outside the box.

What do you mean?

The current crop
of cheerleaders...

They have a lot to lose
if they testify.

So you're looking for
a former cheerleader...

Perhaps someone
with a gripe
against the team.

Perhaps.

You already have a witness,
don't you?

Well...

Okay, off the record,
her name is Barbara Watson.

She is
an ex-L.A. Breaker Girl
who runs this blog...

Very critical
of the squad.

Mmm. When do I get
to meet her?

Tomorrow in court.
She's my surprise witness.

See, that way,
we can avoid

having the Breakers
depose her beforehand.

I am very impressed.

Oh, well, thank you.

To looking
outside the box.

Mmm.

Hello, sweetie.

Do my lips look more kissable
in cherry red, flamingo pink,
or voil violet?

Are you on Lipster again?

My date has to go perfectly
with Grayson,

and I plan to lead
with my lips.

Mmm.

Jane, I have bad news.

Uh, Stace, got to go.

Your surprise witness
just called to say

she accepted an offer
from the Breakers

to serve
as their international
goodwill ambassador.

She's on a plane to Tokyo
and isn't coming back
until august.

The team must have
figured out I was
calling her to the stand.

I think I know how.

Rosemary Mills
just published an article

saying that
Chelsea's legal team was
calling a surprise witness.

"She's described
as a disgruntled
former Breaker Girl

"with an active
online presence."

She doesn't say
Barbara's name, but...

She might as well
have printed her address
and phone number.

I'm gonna kill
Rosemary Mills.

Excuse me.

A Rosemary Mills
is here.

She says you're going
to court together.

Put her in the conference
room, please.

Okay.

How dare you print something
told to you in confidence?

I never gave
the witness's name.

Do you think
their general counsel
is an idiot?

You described Barbara
in detail,

and they've offered her
a bribe to prevent her
from testifying.

Can't you just
use the blog?

No, it is hearsay.

Without Barbara
to authenticate it,
we'll never get it in.

And since she wasn't
on our official witness list,

we can't even
charge the Breakers
with witness tampering.

I'm sorry.

Oh, really?
Are you sorry?

Or was this your way
to get back at Chelsea

for spoiling your exclusive
by doing that TV interview?

I would never do that.

You just did.

You know what?
You stay away from Chelsea
and stay away from me.

Teri. I found this letter
jammed in the copier.

Paper jams
are Paul's responsibility.

The letter
is on firm stationery

and addressed to
Metropolitan Credit,

signed by a lawyer
named "Cassandra Muffintop."

By any chance,
are you Ms. Muffintop?

No.

Yes.

Please tell me
you haven't
sent this letter.

Not only is it illegal
to impersonate a member
of the bar,

but if our malpractice
carrier found out
that a non-lawyer

was giving legal counsel,
they'd cancel our policy.

No insurance, no firm.

Of course
I haven't sent it.

Great. Please shred it.

Paul. Yeah?

Have you sent
that letter yet? About an hour ago.

Oh, damn it.
Do me a favor.

Don't tell anyone
that I'm helping
you out, okay?

Not a problem.

We spoke with
the city attorney,

and, unfortunately,
the law is not
on our side.

I'm very sorry.

We don't have 75 grand
to pay off the lien.

What about
a second mortgage?

No bank is gonna
loan us money

with a government lien
on our property.

I can't believe
this can happen in the
United States of America.

What if you weren't
in the United States
of America?

We can save our house
by moving?

No, no, no, no.
Not moving...
Seceding.

Government entities
can seize property

within American borders,
not outside of them.

If you become
your own country,
they can't touch you.

I'm not sure I follow.

Neither do I.
Owen, can I talk to you?

I'm saying that we're going
to relocate your house,
legally speaking.

As of today, you will
become the Democratic
Republic of Maxwell.

Owen, a moment.

We need to do some paperwork
and discuss a constitution.

Will we have
our own flag? Of course.

Mom can be president. I love it.

Mom can be president.
Ed, you can be
vice president.

Can this actually work?

I don't think
it's ever been
tried before,

Madam President, but... Please excuse us
a moment.

Oh. One second.
Be right back.

What's the problem?

You just suggested
that our clients

secede from
the United States of America.

Yeah, and I know
it's a long shot.

Secessionists are seen as
fanatics and instigators.

There could
be consequences.

I'm buying us time,
Grayson,

and if we win
they'll get to
keep their house.

We can't win.

Fine. Do you have
a better solution?

Okay, then.

Let's go inside
and pledge our allegiance

to the Democratic Republic
of Maxwell.

Chelsea,
how were you treated

when you joined
the Breaker Girls?

Like an outsider.

Ally and the others
picked on me
as soon as I arrived.

Really? How so?

If I sat at their table,
Ally would get up,

and the rest of the squad
would follow.

They made fun
of my makeup,
my clothes.

Ally even told me
the wrong time

for the annual picture
so I'd miss it.

Wow. Really childish.

They called me names
and spread rumors online
saying I was promiscuous.

I haven't had a date
in six months.

And it was your dream
to be a cheerleader,
wasn't it?

Yes.

But I thought cheerleading
was about positive energy

and raising team spirit,
not picking on the new girl.

Thank you.

You said you haven't
had a date in six months?

That's right. What about
your coffee dates

with backup forward
Leon Watters?

Objection. Relevance.

Your client introduced
her dating history.

Overruled.

They weren't
exactly dates, but...

Are you aware
of the clause
in your contract

that prohibits fraternization
with the players?

Yes. Well, I think

you hastily
filed this lawsuit

because you knew
you'd be kicked
off the squad

if your inappropriate
relationship came to light.

Objection...
Argumentative.

Overruled.

Leon was going through
a personal problem, and...

I'm a good listener.
I was being a good friend.

Just a friend?

On March 17th,
did you meet Leon

for drinks
at the Bacara Resort
in Santa Barbara?

Yes.

Where did you sleep
that night?

Miss Bingum,
don't bother to object.

Miss Putnam
will answer the question.

In Leon's room.

And yet you wonder
why you have a reputation
for promiscuity.

No more questions.

You slept
with a player?

It was just
that one time!

And I'm sorry
I didn't tell you,
but it's embarrassing.

What else
don't I know?Nothing!

Look,
Leon's best friend died.

I was being supportive,
and it turned into
something else,

but it was a mistake,
and it never happened again.

Chelsea, this undermines
your credibility.

And it gives the Breakers
the right to terminate you.

Well, it doesn't give
Ally and her posse

the right to harass me. No.

No, you're right.
It doesn't.

Okay, um...
Is there anyone else,

anyone who could confirm
your claims against Ally?

Like I said,
the other cheerleaders

won't speak out against her
because she determines

who gets assigned
the outside jobs.

Right.

Jane, those jobs
pay up to $400 an hour,

and Ally takes
a commission off of
every gig that she books...

30% off the top.

Wow.

Yeah, and management
turns a blind eye
because they don't care.

I'm sorry, Chelsea.
I... I really am.

I...

What do we do next?

Honestly,
I don't know.

The Democratic Republic
of Maxwell?
Are you kidding me?

I would never kid with
the U.S. Attorney's Office.

My clients have
formally seceded
from the United States.

Therefore, we ask
the court to recognize

that the city's claim
against their house
is no longer valid.

Secession ain't that easy.

He's right, Mr. French.
"Civil war" ring any bells?

Under international law,
specific criteria
must be met

in order for a nation
to be recognized
as independent.

I am aware.

A formal declaration
fully signed and executed.

FedEx confirms
that the Department of State
received theirs an hour ago.

And what about a formal
governmental structure?

Yes. Ruth is
the President.

Ed is the Vice President.

And the children
are Secretaries of State
and Transportation.

Seriously?

Statehood isn't merely
a matter of declaring
oneself independent.

It requires
international recognition...

A letter of recognition signed
by Thomas Esang Remengesau.

He's the President
of the island nation
of Palau.

How'd you secure this
so quickly?

Well,
not that it's relevant,
but I chaired

a judicial conference there
a couple years ago.

There's only 20,000 people
in the country,

so meeting the president
was pretty easy.

We stayed in touch.

This is a farce.

The United States
of America

is not going to recognize
your clients' new country.

Your Honor?

It's up to
the State Department

to decide how to deal
with a secession.

But as far as
the lien against the house,

I'll stay
all foreclosure efforts

until this issue
is fully resolved.

Jane Bingum's office.

Miss Muffintop?

Oh, um...
She is at a new extension.

I'll transfer you.

Hey, intern. Mmm?

This is about you.

This is Cassandra.

Yes. I understand.

Tomorrow at 3:00 is fine.

At my office.

Good. Good.

Hmm. Cheerios.

You better book me
a conference room...

Blinds down.

Maybe it's time
we ask Jane for help.

Relax.
Big Mama's got this.

Mmm!

I just had
the most amazing

pregnant-lady yoga class.

I sweat in places
I never knew existed.

Well, that's nice,
sweetie.

Mediation music.

Hibiscus tea.

Oh?

Mint antioxidant
edible face mask.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, my God.

You're nervous
about having sex
with Grayson tomorrow night.

That's crazy.

I'm ecstatic
about tomorrow night.

Doesn't mean
you're not nervous.

And it explains why you
haven't been in a rush
to do it.

Okay, fine, I'm nervous.

I totally understand.

It's like your body
is the Final Frontier.

Hmm.

Wait, did you just
compare my body
to a Star Trekmission?

Did I?

I just keep thinking
what if sex with me now

isn't as good as
sex with me before?

You're competing
with another woman,

and that other woman
is you.

My sex life with Grayson
was ridiculous.

I mean...

The things
that we did...Okay.

You are the same person
as before,

and you know exactly
how to get Grayson going,

not to mention the guy
is totally crazy about you.

And that is
what makes for good sex.

Thank you.

How's your
cheerleader case going?

God, it's a mess.

I can't find
another cheerleader
to testify to the bullying

because they're all
afraid to upset Ally,
the head cheerleader.

She's a classic queen bee.

She's turned cheerleading
into a corrupt business

full of bribes and favors.

See, she decides which girl
gets to do which job,

and then she gets
a taste of all the action.

Forget queen bee.

She sounds
like a character
from The Sopranos.

Oh, my God.
You're right.

She's exactly
like a character
from The Sopranos.

The Breaker Girls...
They're not monsters.

They're mobsters.

I'm gonna take on the mob.

Your Honor, I'm amending
my cause of action

to include a violation
of the Racketeer Influenced
and Corrupt Organizations Act.

You want to treat
the Breaker Girls

as a criminal enterprise
under RICO?

I do. RICO is
for bringing down

drug cartels
and mafia figures,
not cheerleaders.

Well, that may be true,
but the Breaker Girls

operate just like the mob
with Ally as the don.

She's instituted a system
where assignments
are doled out

based solely
on her whim.

And if you're in,
you get glamorous parties

and luxury travel
and the highest-paying gigs.

If, like, Chelsea,
you refuse to
kiss Ally's ring,

you're sleeping
with the fishes

or, at best,
doing the lowest
paying gigs.

This is absurd.

I am seeking
a consent decree

deposing Ally Roth
as head cheerleader,

restructuring
the organization
to eliminate bullying,

and, of course,
the statutorily mandated
treble damages.

Ally Roth
is not Michael Corleone.

And no one is forcing
your client to
be a cheerleader.

Okay, under the law,
all that matters

is that Ally is enforcing
a repressive system
of kickbacks

by taking a cut
of every fee.

So our complaint will allege
that Ally Roth

is a straight-up
pom-pom-wielding
Capo di tutti capi.

Pretty clever,
Miss Bingum.

Well, thank you.

You may amend
your complaint.

To be frank,
Miss Muffintop,

your client doesn't have
a leg to stand on.

He signed
our cardholder agreement.

Well, I think the FRA
might disagree.

The Federal
Railroad Administration?

Yes,
because you're trying to
railroad my client.

At least,
that's how the FRB,

the Federal Reserve Bank,
might see it.

As you know, they regulate
the credit card industry.

We've been entirely compliant
in our collection efforts.

Yes,
but you've been negligent
in your recruiting efforts.

Before issuing my client
a high-limit credit card,

did you inquire at all
about his income?

He knew the terms
of the credit card
when he signed up.

Let's talk
about those terms.

I defy even you to tell me
what the hell this means.

"The finance charge
for billing period
is calculated

"by applying
the periodic rate
to the account balance

"subject to finance charge
for each day
in the billing period,

"adding together
all of those daily
finance charge amounts."

Who's hungry?

Huh?
You know what they say...

Good food helps
break the tension
in difficult situations.

This is Paul, my client.

Howdy.

How exactly did you pay
for those lobsters?

I put it on my card.
Don't worry.
I can pay later.

If you think
my dumbass client
understood your small print,

then I'd like to see you
try and convince a jury.

And look at that face.

Jurors will eat him
like vanilla ice cream
on a hot afternoon.

Of course, Paul would be
my named plaintiff

in a much larger
class-action suit.

Okay.

Okay, as a onetime courtesy,

we can forgive
all the interest charges

and 50% of the principal.

100% of the principal,

we cut up the card,
and we all go home.

Fine.

We have a deal.

Oh, uh... Do I still get
to keep the t-shirt?

I'll have my office
send over a fully
executed release.

Good day,
Miss Muffintop.

Glad we could
work it out.

Hey. Have you seen
the Maxwells?

They're half an hour late
for their meeting.

Just got a text.
They're asking for
a video chat.

Why?

I don't know,
but Ed's ready.

Hey, Ed.
What's going on?

We pulled out
of our driveway,

and a U.S. Border
Patrol Officer stopped us.

He said
since we seceded
from the United States,

we need a visa
to enter the country.

They're taking it seriously.

Yeah, and the DWP
has turned off
our water and electricity.

Makes sense. They're
the ones who started this
in the first place.

Look, Ed, we made
a calculated gamble

that the feds
would pressure the city

to drop the suit
if we gave up our
demand for secession.

Clearly,
it's not working.

Should we give up?

I mean, my family and I
are prisoners
in our own home.

I know this is difficult,
but just...just hang tight.

This is not over.

Hey, sweetie.Hey!

This is a nice surprise.

I brought you something.

Ooh, champagne.
And grapes.

Seriously?
You don't remember?What?

The first time
you had sex with Grayson,

he brought over the movie
and the Chinese food,

and you bought... Champagne and grapes.

'Cause strawberries
were out of season.

Oh, my God.
Stacy, this is perfect.

And you're welcome. Hmm.

So, what's with
the mess?

Yeah. In order for me
to show damages in my case
against the Breakers,

I am adding up
all of Chelsea's receipts

for anything
that remotely pertains
to the cost

associated with
being a cheerleader,

you know,
like, dance classes
and gym memberships

and dermo appointments,
blowouts, even her wardrobe.

Wow.

Hey, Goldilocks.
How's it hanging?

Fine.

I know Chelsea
brought us those receipts,

but I asked for copies
of her monthly statements

in case
she missed anything. Oh, good idea.

And she recently
put down a $3,000 retainer
with Del Toro & Associates.

Wait. That's a P.R. firm.

They exclusively work
with reality stars
and celebutantes.

I thought you said
she didn't have
that much money.

Yeah, that's what
she told me.

Maybe she hired them

after she was
getting all that attention

from the televised
breakdown?

Well, she hired them
two days before
her freak-out.

Why would you hire
a publicity firm

before you
needed publicity?

I think
she was planning ahead.

And I think
she's been playing me.

Chelsea's publicist
confirmed

she has lined up
a slew of endorsement deals.

You're sure the whole case
was a big publicity stunt?

Yeah.
I went back and reviewed
the cheerleading footage.

Turns out Ally stepped
on Chelsea's foot

32 seconds before
Chelsea's breakdown.

And through
the entire 32 seconds,

Chelsea kept her eye
on the scoreboard

just waiting
for the TV cameras
to come back from commercial.

She wanted to make sure
she was televised.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, and get this.

The social media postings
calling her names...

I subpoenaed the server data.
She sent them to herself.

Chelsea figured out a way
to get into the public eye
by...

By pretending
to be a victim,
and it worked.

I mean, the idea
of a bullied cheerleader

struck a nerve
in everybody.

I can't let her
get away with this.

You can ask the judge
to remove you from the case,
but you can't go public.

You're right.

No, you're absolutely right.

I don't like
the sound of that.

I promise I will not violate
attorney/client privilege.

Jane.What?

Jane.

I'm sorry.
Forgive me for keeping you.

Um, I want to thank you
for securing visas
for the Maxwells,

and I sincerely hope that
we can work this out.

I hope your clients
have come to their senses.

Respectfully,
we ask one more time

that the AUSA's office
exert pressure on the city

to withdraw their demand
for $75,000.

Look, we can't have
every whack job

thinking they can secede
just to avoid paying fines.

In fact, I'm not
even authorized to
negotiate with an adversary.

Funny that
you should use that word.

Uh, I have
something for you.

A declaration of war
on the United States?

What are you doing?

With one phone call,
our government can...

Can what? What,
bomb them into oblivion?

Yes. Listen, I don't know
what sort of game this is,

but you're going to lose.

You're right.
We surrender.

Ed, give them
the capitulation document.

What the hell
is going on?

You win. We lose.

And now, having
decisively vanquished

the Democratic Republic
of Maxwell,

our clients are entitled
to war reparations.

What?

The United States
spent $44 billion

under the Marshall Plan
after World War II

and over $100 billion
repairing Iraq
and Afghanistan.

Considering the population
of the Democratic Republic
of Maxwell

and the harm they've suffered
in the recent conflict,

we request
the measly sum of 75 grand.

Just the amount needed
to cover the lien
of the house.

Of course, we would expect
the new rebuilding program
to include speed bumps.

If you agree,
we can put this to bed.

Will your clients agree
to a nondisclosure agreement?

Terms of this deal
remain confidential.

Absolutely.

We love this country,
and we'll do
whatever you ask.

Welcome back
to the U.S.A.

Welcome back.
Thank you.

According to
today's Los Angeles Post,

you hired a publicist
two days before
your meltdown.

It's not against the law
to hire a publicist.

Well, as someone
who doesn't
make much money,

weren't you concerned
about spending $3,000

on a publicity firm
whose stationery reads,

"We extend
your 15 minutes of fame"?

I invested in myself.

When Ally
wouldn't send you

on the high-paying
personal appearances,

you got upset,
didn't you?

Yes, but... Let's be honest.

You wanted fame.
You wanted money.

And you figured out
how to get it fast...

By accusing
your fellow cheerleaders

of today's most charged
buzzword, "bullying."

Will you please object?
He's attacking me.

Well, actually,
that was a proper question.

Oh, but as your lawyer,

I suggest you invoke
your Fifth Amendment rights.

I'm not answering
any more anything.

Oh, in that case,
I ask Your Honor

to enter judgment
on behalf of the defense.

Uh, well, no, wait.

Regardless of the veracity
of Chelsea's claims,

during discovery,
I did uncover evidence

of the Breaker Girls'
corrupt business practices,

so I'm still
asking Your Honor

to exercise your authority
under RICO

to remove Ally Roth
as head cheerleader

and institute new policies
for the assignment
of outside gigs.

Miss Bingum,
your request is granted.

Thank you. As for your client,

I'm referring her conduct
to the D.A.'s office,

and I expect that
they'll pursue perjury

and malicious
prosecution charges.

Bailiff,
you take this woman
into custody.

I know you're the source
of Rosemary's story.

You broke
attorney/client privilege,

and I will sue you
for all you're worth.

Oh, yeah.
See, you gave me permission.

Yeah, remember?

In this confidentiality
waver.

It allows me to share
all case-related information

with Rosemary,
so that's what I did.

Bye, Chelsea.

Oh, you're such
a smart aleck.

Nobody knows anything
but you.

I'll stop a car,
and I won't use
my thumb.

What are you gonna do?

It's a system
all my own.

Oh.

No, don't answer that.It's Teri.

She never calls
unless it's important.

All right. Okay.

Hey, Teri.

Oh, my God. No.

Okay, okay. Just...
Don't do or say anything.

I will be right there.

Oh, my God.
Teri's been arrested.

Let me guess...
False impersonation

and practicing law
without a license?

How do you know that?

I caught Teri
impersonating an attorney,

and I warned her to stop,
but she ignored me.

So you had her arrested?

No. I told Kim.

Kim must have
called the cops.

So you went to Kim
instead of me?

Teri is my assistant.
She's my friend.

Which is why I knew
you wouldn't be objective.

No, you're damn right.
I would not have
been objective.

Hey.

Teri's actions put
the entire firm at risk.

I was protecting you.

You think
I need protection?

That's not
what I meant.

I'm a partner in this firm,
and you went behind
my back to Kim?

Kim, a woman whose idea
of compassion is...

Is stepping
over the homeless.

No, Jane, I spared you
from having to choose

between the firm
and your friends.

I knew
you'd choose Teri. So you chose for me.

I don't... I don't
even know what to say.

How about "thank you"?

How about, when I get back
from helping my friend,
you're not here.

Hey, boss.
Are you here
to bust me out?

The ADA Is willing to
drop the felony charges.

That's good. Yes, but...

He's insisting on jail time
for the false personation.

Two weeks.
It's the best I could do.

So, I got to stay here?

Well, if we post bail,

he'll proceed
with the felony charges,

and that just
gets much worse
very quickly.

So, I'll be jailbird.

Truth is
spending time in prison

has always been
on my bucket list.

Hey, did I take you away
from something?

Oh, crap. Tonight
is your Grayson sex date.

I listen to some
of your calls.

For your own protection.

Uh, yes,
tonight is our date,

but it is...it's fine.

I hope that you are not
angry with him
on my account.

I mean, you realize
this is entirely my fault,
and I'm so sorry.

And I would
never forgive myself
if I came between you two.

Please tell me
everything is okay.

Oh, yeah.
Everything's okay.

Everything's great.

He's at my house
waiting for me with
grapes and champagne.

Yeah.

Well, I want you to say,
"Goodbye, Teri,"

and go have
the night of your life.

Goodbye, Teri.