All language subtitles for Taskmaster (NZ) - s03e05 - The Prime Minister Thanks You

(WHEEL CLICKS)

(GRUNTS)

Ooh-hoo-hoo.

(TYPES)

(GROANS)

(EXCLAIMS)

My name is Paul Williams.

(GRUNTS)

(TYPES)

Ooh!

(STRAINS)

(GRUNTS)

(THUD!)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(DING!)

Kia ora koutou, and
welcome to Taskmaster.

You may know me as a
man called Jeremy Wells,

but as soon as you enter
this area, all bets are off,

- and I officially become the Taskmaster.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Wow.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

And as the master of tasks,
I've had the pleasure of

putting together a peculiar,

yet playful gaggle
of problem-solvers,

all hoping to procure
the prized possession

of my princely pate.

Those playful,
participating pranksters

are Chris Parker,...

- (CHEERING)
- ...Josh Thomson,...

- (CHEERING)
- Justine Smith,...

- (CHEERING) - ...Kura Forrester,...
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- ...and Paul Ego!
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

And as always, I have with me

one of the top two
Pauls on the show ―

it's my assistant,
Paul Williams!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Big announcement ― it's our 25th episode.
- Wow!

So to celebrate, I got
us some ice cream.

It melted slightly.

(LAUGHTER)

- Well, I'll have two. So...
- (LAUGHTER)

Paul, I do believe our contestants
have brought a prize for us all too.

Tonight, everyone has
been asked to bring in

their worst investment.

ALL: Hmm.

The best worst investment
will receive five points.

And the winner of
tonight's episode

will take home everybody's
worst investments.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Which, now that I've said it out loud,

doesn't actually
sound that great.

Let's see our worst investments.

- It's stressing me out.
- (LAUGHTER)

I just wanna clean your
fucking hands. I can't.

- (LAUGHTER) - I'll have them later. Sorry.
- Can you? Yeah. Yeah.

- I just wanna get a wet wipe and wipe him down.
- (LAUGHTER)

See what he's done
to Santa's elf's chair?

- Looks like Santa's elf's...
- (LAUGHTER) - It does.

- Got a bit too excited.
- (LAUGHTER)

Let's see our comedians'
worst investment,

starting with the one who's had the most
time on this planet to make bad investments ―

- Paul Ego. - (LAUGHTER)
- Well,

my worst investment was
something that I bought,

thinking, 'This is
high-end tech ―

'I'm gonna have
this for a long time.'

I bought two of these
wired portable speakers

that plug into a
phone. First of all,

this best thing is iPhone
never changed their connector,

which was great (!) And then they never
invented anything called Bluetooth (!)

Thank goodness.
On the bright side,

- the sound is really shit. So...
- (LAUGHTER)

So, out of everything that
you've done with your life,...

- Mm.
- ...this is the worst investment?

Oh, yeah, I've made heaps
of really cool decisions,

- like coming on this show.
- (LAUGHTER)

Kura, what did you bring in?

I invested in 2003,

for three years, in something
that cost me a lot of money ―

$32,000,

to be precise.
Yeah, big investment.

Don't have a hell
of a lot to show for it.

No one's ever
asked me to see it.

It is my degree
in Performing Arts.

(LAUGHTER)

So does the winner of this prize get to
take over your role on Shortland Street?

Sure. They can have
it. It's a piece of piss.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Chris.

Well, I really like watching the Antiques
Roadshow. You know, when someone will come in,

and they'll be, like, 'Oh, I've been holding on to
this piece of shit forever.' And then they'll be, like,

'That's worth £4000,'

and then they're, like, 'Wah!' And I was, like,
Oh, that would be so great to have that experience.

And I have a plastic
bag from Deka.

- (LAUGHTER)
- BOTH: Wow.

So I was, like, surely
sitting on a goldmine here.

I called a local antiques
dealer and got it valued,

- and she told me it was worthless.
- (LAUGHTER)

In 2019, a Pak 'n
Save plastic bag

was bought for $52 on Trade Me.

Imagine how much that's worth,
the Deka bag. Pak 'n Save still exists.

- I'm starting to think, 'Fuck this antique dealer.' They lied to me.
- Yeah.

- Justine.
- So,... (CLEARS THROAT) as a kid, I was quite a show-off,

and I went through a brief period of thinking
that I was gonna be a ventriloquist,...

(LAUGHTER)

...and so I invested in
a little puppet of myself.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Ew! Oh!

- Oh!
- Hold on.

- Hold on. That is a puppet of you?
- Yeah.

- Jesus Christ.
- It cost me about 300 or 400 bucks to have it made.

- 300 or 400 bucks?
- Yeah.

- They got the skin tone right, though.
- They did, didn't they?

Seriously, if I go in the sun for five
minutes, that's literally what I look like.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Josh.

Well, we've got some
kids at our house.

- Oh, we own them.
- (LAUGHTER)

They're our kids.

But before they were born, we
went to these birthing seminars,

and they made all these
suggestions, like take a Swiss ball, food,

changes of clothing. So as a
dutiful husband, I took all of it.

I carried all that in a backpack
into the birthing clinic ―

- my wife didn't help at all.
- (LAUGHTER)

And it turns out that they've
got all that stuff. So basically,

what I have on offer is a
fully unused birthing kit.

people say You should invest in
your children, but I say, don't bother.

- (LAUGHTER)
- It's that tuna, that tin? Or what are the tins?

Yeah, I took tuna in. My wife
wasn't happy about that either.

You know what? For taking
tuna into a birthing suite,

- I'm gonna give you one point.
- Oh! - Yeah.

There is enough smell and all
sorts of things occurring in there ―

you do not need tinned tuna.
Kura, I'm gonna give you two points.

The reason you're here
is because of that $32,000.

It's partly responsible for that.
Chris, I'm gonna give you three points,

because I seriously think that Deka bag is
gonna be worth a lot of money in the future.

Paul, four points for you ― that is
a completely useless investment.

- Thank you.
- And five points to you, Justine ―

- that horrific puppet.
- (CHEERING)

So, we're pretty much
near the halfway point here.

- How are the scores looking overall?
- Out in first, with 70 points,

- Josh Thompson.
- So we need to catch him. - Yeah.

- Wow. - 23 behind.
- We're just chatting.

- Justine thought she was in first place.
- No, I didn't!

- (LAUGHTER)
- She's, like, 'We're doing well!'

- I was, like, 'No, we're coming last.'
- (LAUGHTER)

Paul, I'd like to invest in another
task, please. What do you have for me?

I have another task,
and what a task it is!

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

- Hi, Paul.
- Hello, Chris.

The old goldfish bowl, eh?

- Ooh, a fishbowl.
- Bit of a bowl of water here.

Yes.

- Is this a trapdoor?
- I don't think so, no.

- I guess I should...
- Yes, please.

What if it's, like,
'Don't touch the bowl,'

- but I touched it?
- (LAUGHTER)

- READS: Throw water the furthest.
- Further-est.

READS: Furthest.
You have 50 minutes.

READS: 'Your time
starts now.' Throw it.

Does the water
have to stay in here?

- Are you gonna say,...
- BOTH: All the information you need is in the task.

When your girlfriend goes,
'Do you wanna go out for dinner,'

do you just go, 'All the
information is in the task'?

- (APPLAUSE)
- Yeah.

- I didn't know you had a girlfriend.
- (LAUGHTER) - Ooh!

- Ooh!
- You never ask me anything about myself.

- (LAUGHTER)
- You're not allowed to have a girlfriend.

- It doesn't work like that.
- Sorry. I'll break up with her after the show.

(LAUGHTER)

Who do I get to see
heave the H2O first?

These two love water, they
drink it almost every day ―

it's Chris and Justine.

Well, I've got a really good backup.
Cos I was gonna throw it off the roof.

But this is something better.

- OK. - What are you thinking?
- I'm thinking height.

I've got an idea. Come with me.

OK, I'm gonna get a ladder. I need a ladder. I
need a ladder. Need a ladder. Where's the shed?

Here's what I'm thinking ―
we'll throw it into the water,

and then the water
will carry it further.

OK. Where's this
water gonna carry it?

Well, let's look at where
the little waves are going.

It's so heavy!

(GRUNTS)

(GIGGLES) This
feels very unsafe.

OK. Are we ready? Here we go.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHUCKLES) Off it goes.

- OK.
- (LAUGHTER)

OK. I think you might have to go for
that one where it was over the fence.

- I don't think it quite got over the fence.
- The fence is wet!

- Is it? - (LAUGHTER)
- No.

- So, where should I measure to?
- Well, probably wherever the river finishes,

cos that that'll be where
it eventually all ends up.

- OK.
- Yeah.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Are you just throwing some water?

- Huh?
- (LAUGHTER)

- Did you just throw some more water?
- No, no, I was just getting this.

- Are you happy with that?
- Yeah. Chuffed. Cheers, Paul.

Thank you, Chris.

(LAUGHTER)

So, Chris, your water
could still be travelling now.

- Yeah.
- (LAUGHTER) - I will say, it's a lake.

- It's a lake, yeah.
- (LAUGHTER) - Some lakes are, you know,

really still, whereas
this lake was sort of...

- (LAUGHTER) - Whoa!
- I mean,...

I'm not the Taskmaster,
but I'd say phwoar ― nailed it.

- (LAUGHTER)
- So, from where Chris threw the water,

- to the far end of the lake, is about 119m.
- Oh, come on.

But then from, from where he
threw the water to the water,...

- No, no, no.
- It was about 4.7m.

- That's pretty far.
- (LAUGHTER)

- You were looking for extra height, Justine.
- I was.

- I saw what you were up to.
- Thank you. It was a health and safety nightmare,

getting on that ladder. I had so many people telling
me off. I would have been much more daredevil,

- but apparently, it's dangerous.
- Did you take wind into account?

I had a little bit of
wind that day, but...

- (LAUGHTER)
- ...it didn't seem to help me in any way.

- That was why she wasn't allowed up the ladder.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Yeah.
- So a total of 9m and 10cm.

- Oh. Well done.
- Wow. - Thank you.

I think we've got some time to see
some water throws. Who's up next?

It's Josh Thompson
and Kura Forrester.

I'm going to try to hiff this bowl
using a hammer-throw-style situation.

But I don't have
to throw this bowl,

do I?

But if I filled something up
with water and chucked that, eh?

- Come on, Kura! Use your brain!
- (LAUGHTER)

- It doesn't say without a duck, eh?
- No. - (LAUGHTER)

- OK. Apologies if this hits you.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Argh!
- (LAUGHTER)

Shithouse. Shithouse.

- (APPLAUSE)
- Argh.

(GRUNTS) It's been a while
since I've thrown something.

While you measure that, I'm
gonna keep trying to find things.

Is there balloons?

- I've found a ball that I'm gonna throw.
- OK.

- How much time have I got, Paul?
- Two minutes and three seconds.

OK. So, this
ball's full of water.

But I just gotta tape it so that it
doesn't come out when I biff it.

- (SIGHS) Oh! Argh!
- (LAUGHTER)

- Do you want me to measure that?
- No.

OK. Now I just have to

gather all my
strength for this throw.

- 80 seconds.
- What the hell's 80 seconds?

- One minute and 20 seconds.
- Oh, yeah, good. Right.

- Who's the best thrower you know?
- Probably Valerie. - Yeah.

Dame Val, this
one's for you, girl.

(GRUNTS)

Valerie...

Adams! That felt
good. That felt good.

- Yes!
- (APPLAUSE)

Do you think Dame Val would
have been proud of that, Kura?

- Yeah, I think she would have, yeah.
- Smart thinking as well,

going for the containment
of the water too.

- So, was it just some of the water?
- It's just any water, right? - It's just water.

I swear, even watching it back
then, it was, like, 'Throw this water.'

- Yeah, this water in the bowl.
- That was just a just a prop,

- just to get you thinking about water.
- I swear I've been gaslit

- (LAUGHTER)
- Same. Me too. Me too. Same.

Also, more than one attempt,
you guys ― that was smart.

- Yeah, well, I didn't know that.
- (LAUGHTER) - I mean,

you threw all of it, then you
couldn't have another go!

I was, like, I would
love multiple attempts―

- Same.
- ...but I'm throwing all the fucking water!

- (LAUGHTER)
- Do you know how hard it is to find your water in a lake?

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, you just sort it all out.

Is that it? Maybe
that'sit. Maybethat'sit.

That's why I like to go
for runs when it's raining ―

cos no one can see
that you're crying.

(LAUGHTER)

That's the saddest moment in
three seasons, isn't it, that there?

- Possibly.
- Not as sad as one guy with two ice creams.

(LAUGHTER)

So, Josh threw his water a very

impressive 27m and 16cm.

- BOTH: Wow.
- Awesome, Josh.

- My arm sore.
- Some of it's water.

Kura threw hers a whopping 32m.

- (CHEERING) - Whoa!
- Wow.

Well, we have one more
aqua tosser to come. But first,...

- (LAUGHTER)
- ...why don't you let our sponsors

toss a cleansing wave of
consumerism over you in these ads?

We'll see you soon.

(APPLAUSE)

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster. Tonight,

this lot are playing
for a small pink woman

- that Justine used to put her hand inside.
- (LAUGHTER)

But right now, what's
happening, Paul?

Our contestants have been tasked
with throwing water as far as possible.

Last but not least,
it's Paul H2 E-go.

(LAUGHTER)

If I threw the water on myself,

and then I went a long distance,

- the water's still with me, right?
- I guess.

I think that's what
I'm gonna do.

OK.

- Argh! Ooh! Ooh!
- (LAUGHTER)

- It is significantly colder than I thought it was gonna be.
- (LAUGHTER)

I've got it on
me. I'm the water.

I'm the water, and I'm
travelling. Travelling.

I can just go for a
10-minute walk...

- (LAUGHTER)
- and be miles away.

OK, so I reckon here.

I can still see the
Taskmaster house.

I can see where
I put the water on.

- OK.
- This is how far I've got the water. I've thrown it.

- So you've thrown it?
- Yeah, yeah. Well, I threw it on myself,

and then the water
travelled with me to here, so...

- If the Taskmaster says it doesn't count, what would you say to that?
- Well,

- I'd say he's an idiot.
- (LAUGHTER) - Clearly,

this is valid.

- OK. - Ooh, he doesn't like that.
- Yeah. Don't play that.

- Don't play that bit where I said he's an idiot.
- OK.

He's a great guy. I'll
probably get dry now.

Water is a lot wetter than
they lead you to believe,

you know, when you read
about it in the magazines.

- And you've got the distance?
- I'm gonna measure that now. I marked where you went to.

OK. I mean, if you just put
300 in. I mean, it looks like 300.

- (LAUGHTER)
- I think it's about 100.

- Let's say 180.
- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

No, no, no, no, no.

Talk us through what you were
thinking there, exactly, Paul.

- First of all, I think you're a great guy and, um,...
- (LAUGHTER)

just really intelligent and probably the
most un-idiot-like person I've ever met.

Yeah, my theory was if I
throw the water on myself,

the water is still with
me, and then if I travel,

- I am the water.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Yeah, it's not far away from Chris' idea.
- Yeah. No.

And if that logic plays
out, my lake is fucking Piha.

(LAUGHTER)

You could argue that you
travelled the water at that point,

but you then turned
and walked back

to the point where you
first threw the water.

Yeah, but he was mean
to measure where I went to.

I think Paul should get zero.

- Oh man!
- (LAUGHTER) - You went backwards.

- (LAUGHTER)
- So how did everyone else go?

- We haven't spoken about Chris.
- My very rapid lake.

(LAUGHTER)

I think Chris gets two, cos his
did go until it touched the water.

- OK. So that's two points for Chris?
- Yep.

Three for Justine,
four for Josh.

- (GASPS) This is the first one I've won.
- (LAUGHTER)

And after throwing water 32m,
five points to Kura Forrester.

- Yeah!
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Wow.

- Wow. - Thanks. Thanks, guys.
- Nice, mate.

So, where does that
leave our scoreboard, Paul?

Out in first with eight
points, Justine Smith.

- (CHEERING) - Wow! You did it!
- Yay, me! I can't believe it!

Now that we have
whet our appetite

thoroughly, it's
time for another task.

This task has never
been completed before,

so here's a piece of history.

- Hiya.
- Hi, Paul.

- Hello, Justine.
- You can call me Juzzy if you want.

- It's OK.
- (SCOFFS) Thanks, Paul (!) (LAUGHTER)

Ooh, pictures.

It's Paul in lots of pictures.

You've done a lot. I'm surprised
you need to do this show,

- with all this stuff under your belt.
- (LAUGHTER)

I'll just have a
quick read of this.

READS: Make history.

Most memorable and
influential moment wins.

READS: You have 45
minutes. Your time starts now.

- Have you ever made history before?
- Yeah.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah.

What's something someone
hasn't done for a while?

- For a while? - Forever, actually.
- (LAUGHTER)

Maybe I'll try and do something athletic
― that would be like making history for me.

First gay man to go to the Moon?

- Has that happened?
- I'm not sure.

- Has a gay man been to the Moon?
- They usually go to Uranus.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING)

Who do we want to get
to watch make history first?

There have been many great
Pauls in history ― an apostle,

a Beatle, a
Taskmaster's assistant.

Here's yet another Paul
attempting to make history ―

it's Paul Ego.

OK. I'm gonna make
history in two ways.

Number one ― I've
never run anywhere;

I've certainly not run 50m.

And number two, I'm
gonna run 50m in Crocs.

- (LAUGHTER)
- That's only been done once before,

and the record is, I
think, seven seconds.

So I'm gonna try and beat the
world record for 50m in Crocs,

and I'm gonna run
like Tom Cruise does.

So much to offer.

I never do any running,
so there's definitely

potential for me to hurt myself.

Start my watch...

now!

Tom Cruise run!

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

Mission Impossible!

(APPLAUSE)

(MAJESTIC MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

- Yeah!
- (LAUGHS) - So chic, so attractive (!)

- Well, let's hit the showers, eh?
- OK. Me too? - Yeah.

- Oh, goes without saying. Let's go.
- OK. - Whoo!

- (LAUGHTER)
- OK. Well.

Watching that, I am so surprised
that you weren't some kind of

- athletics champion.
- You and me both, Jeremy. - (LAUGHTER)

So, Paul completed the
50m sprint, wearing Crocs,

- in just over 10 seconds.
- Remarkable.

- 10.18. - Is that less than seven?
- (LAUGHTER)

- Who gets to make history next?
- She treats making history how I

treat making my bed ―

- she's never really done it.
- (LAUGHTER) - It's Kura Forrester.

- Maybe I could try ringing Jacinda.
- Do you have her number?

Nah, but I've messaged
her on Instagram before.

- It'd be pretty a good moment.
- Yeah.

Here's some proof that we've
texted to each other before.

Oh!

(LAUGHTER)

- Wow.
- Just gonna text her.

READS: 'Hey, Jacinda. Firstly, good stuff
with everything, mate. Heck of a time.

'I'm just doing a telly show
and need to make history

'with a memorable
and influential moment.

'Any suggestions? Thanks heaps.

'Kiss, kiss, kiss.' Too much?

- Maybe just two.
- OK, I'm gonna send it. Send.

- You've got 34 minutes.
- I'm gonna go have a look outside at some stuff.

- OK.
- But I'll take this with me, just in case...

- OK.
- ...the Prime Minister gets back to me.

- I could catch a goose.
- (LAUGHTER)

It'd be a pretty epic moment
in history if I caught a goose.

Goosey! Goosey! You
wanna make history, goose?

This is tricky, eh?

What are some of your
favourite historical moments?

Probably, like, Whina Cooper
walking the length of the country.

- Maybe I could walk real far.
- We'll, you've got 26 minutes.

Yeah.

- Hi, everyone. I'm Kura.
- (LAUGHTER) - This is my tribute to Whina Cooper

and all those who
have walked for a cause.

Here we go. Please
start the clock.

The clock has been
going this whole time.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Walk for peace! Time is short!

Time is money.

Wait. No, that's not the cause.

This, um, scarf is
for Whina Cooper,

who walked the
distance of New Zealand.

And I feel like I sort of
know how she feels,...

cos it's pretty hot out
here. What do we want?

More love! More money!

- More time!
- More time?

- Like, longer weekends.
- Oh, OK.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Five-day a working weeks! Wait.

- Wait. - That's what it is.
- (LAUGHTER)

I'm trying not to get mad,
because this is a peaceful protest,

- but I'm really fucked off at you.
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

Far out. Oh!

- Thank you, Kura.
- No worries. Thanks, Paul.

- (APPLAUSE)
- Well, Dame Whina would have been proud of that.

- Yeah, I don't think so.
- (LAUGHTER)

- So, did the Prime Minister ever get back to you?
- Yeah, she did.

After that task, I went
back and checked my vote,

and she had gotten back to
me. I was, like, 'Oh!' I wrote ―

I meant to say filming, but I wrote,
'I'm just filling the next season.'

- Aw!
- A typo to the Prime Minister.

READS: I'm just filling the
next season of Taskmaster.

I was trying to get your advice
on a good historical moment.

You'll be pleased to know I went
with a Whina Cooper re-enactment.

- (LAUGHTER)
- She writes,... (GIGGLES)

'Ha. Good call. You're amongst
the few people who could pull that off,

- 'I suspect.'
- (LAUGHTER)

That's good, cos I thought
maybe you'd received it before,

- and she'd suggested the goose.
- (LAUGHTER)

As the saying goes,
history never repeats.

But you can expect a healthy repetition
of ad breaks within this broadcast.

We'll see you after this.

(APPLAUSE)

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

Welcome to this historic
25th episode of Taskmaster.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Paul catch us up, please.

We've seen Paul Ego sprint 50m,

- and we've seen Kura go for a walk in the yard.
- (LAUGHTER)

But there are still three
more history-makers to come.

Up next, making history,

it's Chris... Chris...

- Chris-tory Parker.
- (LAUGHTER) - Chris-tory Parker.

Wow. Paul,

look at that mighty
huge rocket ship.

Six months in there
alone, just you and I.

- Things are gonna get intimate.
- (LAUGHTER)

Let's do it for the gay kids.

(MAJESTIC MUSIC)

Whoa! Ooh, mind your head.

- Mind your head.
- (LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Oh my God! It's just flown just right up!
- (LAUGHTER)

Oh, my God, I'm gonna die! Argh!

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, wow. Look, Paul ―

zero gravity.

- Hold on to your iPad.
- (LAUGHTER) - Whoa.

Oh!

So, how are things
going in your personal life?

- Not good.
- Yeah. What's going on for you?

- What's not going right?
- (SIGHS) - Everything's going wrong.

Honestly, this spaceship mission
couldn't have come at a better time for me.

I feel like I just hit
a wall, you know?

And I was, like, 'What am I doing with
my life? What am I doing with my life?'

Then I was, like, 'I'm
gonna make history.

'I'm gonna be the first
gay man on the Moon.'

And, like, as soon as I got that into my brain,
it just felt like I've found a direction.

Mm-hm.

Look, Paul ― we've
made it to The Moon!

Come on ― let's put
our flag in the sand

and be the first gay
man on the Moon.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Oh!

Whoa! Whoa!

Hoping I don't fly
away into outer space.

Oh! Oh!

This is one small step for man,

- one giant gay leap for gay men everywhere.
- (LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

How great is this, Paul? Paul?

Paul!

- Oh!
- Argh!

- (LAUGHTER)
- Oh!

Chris. Help me.

- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Help me.

(APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)

First gay man on the Moon.

- It's about...
- BOTH: ...bloody time. - I know.

All the videos that I've seen of people
that have gone into space or the Moon,

they have generally had some kind of helmet when
they've walked on the Moon, which is amazing ―

- you didn't need that.
- I had a helmet, didn't I?

- He had a bike helmet.
- Yeah. Right.

To protect the noggin in case I fell over
and hit my head on the sand on the Moon.

I guess you do have to worry about
your head if you're doing one gay leap.

Exactly. And I have really
injured myself many times...

gay leaping.

- (LAUGHTER)
- You sashay the wrong way,

you can get concussed.

(LAUGHTER)

- (LAUGHTER)
- Now you have come back down to Earth,

Paul, how about you give
us another historical oracle?

Up next, it's Josh Thompson.

Do you think anyone's gonna
do anything more historic?

You'd be hard pressed. You
ever seen a cow drive a car?

- Mm-mm. No.
- Operate a jousting stick?

- Mm-mm.
- Shoot somebody,...

- (LAUGHTER)
- ...let alone, a defenceless

- poor woman.
- And even if I had seen all of that,

I hadn't seen it with
a duck on the roof.

Yeah, that's brought it home.

(WESTERN-MOVIE MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Yeah!

- Yeah!
- (LAUGHTER)

- Whoo! Yeah, that's what's up!
- (LAUGHTER)

Don't mess with the
bovine posse, lady!

- (LAUGHTER)
- No more handicap spots for you.

We're out of here. Ciao!

All right. Yeah!

- You think that's ever been done before?
- I don't think so.

- (LAUGHTER)
- I mean, that's...

- I feel sad now.
- (APPLAUSE)

- That poor defenceless woman again.
- Again!

This is starting to look bad.

- BOTH: Yeah.
- Yeah. Hey, there's only a woman mannequin in the shed,

- so if anything, you're making me be sexist.
- (LAUGHTER)

- This is your doing. You're forcing me to just woman.
- (LAUGHTER)

It might not be a woman
― it could be a guy with tits.

- We don't know.
- I'm right here, mate.

(LAUGHTER)

- Unbelievable.
- It's always, like, the wheelchair's so close by,

- every time as well. - BOTH: Yeah.
- There's often a wheelchair.

- There's often a wheelchair as well.
- BOTH: Yeah. - That's what inclusivity's about.

- Kicking them in the head?
- If we aren't violent to people in wheelchairs,

- then do they have no place in society?
- (LAUGHTER)

Guys, let's join together.
Why are you leaning away?

- OK.
- (LAUGHTER)

I think we should just take three seconds,
just to distance ourselves from this.

- (LAUGHTER)
- So if we just have silence for three seconds,

and then we can start again,
I think that would be good.

(LAUGHTER)

- And we're back.
- (LAUGHTER)

I'm starting to think we shouldn't
be trying to change history.

Paul, who's up next?

Making her-story,
it's Justine Smith.

It's 1893 here in New Zealand.

It's not a good time to be a woman,
here in the country of Aotearoa.

It wasn't cool back then, and it's
bad being a woman, cos of oppressors,

because of the white
oppressor, such as this.

- (LAUGHTER)
- And his cronies.

So I'm here to make a stand.

I'm taking off this harness
that is trapping my good

woman boobies down to
be what they ought to be.

So I'm gonna make a stand.
I'm gonna take off this corset.

It's 1893. I've got a corset on, remember, it's not
doing a very good job at the moment, but,you know,

so I'm gonna do it ― I'm taking a stand
against the white oppressor for women.

No, we're not gonna take it.
We're not gonna take it, guys.

We're gonna take
off our bras worldwide.

We're gonna make a stand,
let our nungies nung free.

What is this? An empty pan.

(SHRIEKS)

That is unacceptable.

(GRUNTS)

- (LAUGHTER)
- Take that, oppressor.

And that's me, Justine
Smith of the past,

present and future, making,

changing and rewriting history.

(LAUGHTER)

- WHISPERS: More fan. Closer.
- (APPLAUSE)

So, you do understand that
the idea of the task was to

- create history. - Sure.
- Not to rewrite history.

- Not to....
- I created that to respect that, particularly,

a part of history that maybe, as a
man, you're not really respecting.

Well, it was tough for me. I
seem to be getting the blame there.

- I wasn't really alive in 1893.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Neither was I, believe it or not.
- (LAUGHTER)

But yours was the only picture there,
Taskmaster. I'm sorry I had to use it.

You're a scapegoat. But
you're definitely not an idiot.

- (LAUGHTER)
- I guess you could say I recreated it,

but I created it in my
own way, my own special,

- very weird way.
- (LAUGHTER) - OK.

I gotta try and score this somehow.
I think, Chris, you made history ―

first gay man on the
Moon. Five points for you.

- Well done, Chris!
- Brilliant. - (CHEERING)

I think Paul Ego,

first man to run 50m,

in a pair of Crocs in under
11 seconds ― that is history.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Well done.

Josh Thomson, I will
give you one point,

because of the woman
in the wheelchair bit.

And as I said, I need to
send a message to you,

- and the viewers at home too, that that is unacceptable.
- (LAUGHTER)

It was the cow! I'm not in
control of him. He's insane!

And then you guys,
I'll give two points each.

- Yes!
- (APPLAUSE)

Wow!

Yes! Whoo!

The goose thing was funny, and yours
was so weird, Justine. It was quite good.

Yes! The Prime
Minister thanks you.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Paul, I'd like you to go and put another one of those tasks

in the microwave,
please. And whilst we wait,

here's a delightful collection
of curated short films

that the cynics
will tell you are ads.

- We'll see in a moment.
- (LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

Welcome back to Taskmaster, where
have five ordinary New Zealand comedians

are changing the world, all
in the hopes of winning some

- shitty speakers that don't even work.
- (LAUGHTER)

Paul Williams, I'd love
another task, but first,

- what's our scoreboard looking like?
- In first equal,

with 10 points, it's
Chris and Justine.

- Oh! - Ooh!
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Let's see if this next task
can bring them closer together.

- Paul.
- I feel like I should warn everybody ―

this next task is touching.

- Hello, Paul.
- Hi, Paulie.

Hello, Chris.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Just trying out some new walks.

Just a nice, simple
one this time,

just the plinth
and the envelope.

- No tricks.
- READS: Touch the cow.

- This cow?
- Yes, please.

READS: The first person to
touch the cow will be disqualified.

READS: The second
person will come third.

READS: The third
person will come second.

- READS: The fifth person will come forth.
- READS: The fourth person will win.

READS: 'The second person will come third.'
The third person, so I need four other people.

- So can I use these guys here?
- To touch the cow?

Yeah, well, it says second person
or third person. They can't all be me.

Um, you're not
the only person...

- doing these tasks.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Oh, I see.
- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Do you understand that, Paul?

- Paul doesn't even know what show he's on.
- It turns out I'm the idiot.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Let's not waste any time.

I am lactating at the gob
to see this cow get touched.

- (LAUGHTER)
- First up,

it's a couple of old cow
touchers from way back ―

- here's Kura and Justine. (LAUGHTER)
- Oh no!

I'm gonna wait for a bit.

How long are you gonna wait for?

- Four minutes.
- (LAUGHTER)

I'm quite impulsive,
so I'd touch it quickly.

So I'm not gonna do that. I'm
just gonna stand here on this plinth.

I'm so bored, already.

No one's gonna touch it straight away, are
they? So people are just gonna hang out.

They come over here, they're
gonna see what Paul's up to.

Did someone go nuts,
though, and wait all day?

I'm not actually
touching you, though.

Not actually touching.
Quite near it, though.

I'm gonna touch it
maybe around 4.20.

- Why 4.20?
- Cos it's cool.

- OK. - Do you know why it's cool?
- Mm-mm.

(LAUGHTER)

It's really looking at me like
it's trying to give me a message.

When were you touched?

Who touched you?

You show me where.
Who touched you, boy?

Is it a boy cow? (LAUGHS)

- How long have I been?
- You've been one minute,

- 26 seconds.
- (LAUGHTER)

- 4.20.
- OK, no. I'm gonna go a bit longer.

- OK. - I might see how I feel at 6.60.
- Like the band?

Yeah, which I know
is seven minutes,

but I wanna call it 6.60.

- Are you touching it?
- No, I'm thinking about touching it, Paul.

- (SIGHS)
- (LAUGHTER)

Probably gonna touch it soon.

(SIGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

- Stopped the clock.
- I really hope I'm not first. That'd be shame-ohs.

- Thank you, Justine.
- See ya. - (APPLAUSE)

- Shame!
- I'm fascinated to know,

why did you guys decide to
touch the cow when you did?

- Oh, so many whys, Jeremy.
- (LAUGHTER)

You get out there in the
sun, you're losing your mind.

He's staring at it with
his little stupid pad.

Yeah, I just sort of
wanted it to be over.

- Yeah.
- I got bored and was, like... I should've,

- in hindsight, just maybe walked away and had a break.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, I wish I'd done that too.
- Yeah. Justine, uh,

touched the cow in three
minutes and 37 seconds.

(LAUGHTER)

- What about Kura?
- Kura touched the cow, bang on 10 minutes.

- Ooh. - Mm.
- 10 minutes.

- It's how long good things take.
- (LAUGHTER)

Let's see another toucher
attempt this task, Paul.

Here's two more touchers
― it's Paul and Josh.

So, all I have to do is just touch the cow,
and then hope that I'm the fourth person.

Well, yes.

Oh, unless someone had a meltdown and just
thought, 'Touch the cow,' and then touchedit.

- (LAUGHTER)
- I touched the cow.

I think Paul Ego would
have touched it straight away.

Josh, I think, will be a slow
and methodical toucher.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

- Argh!
- (LAUGHTER)

- I should have warned you.
- Yeah.

Although he does
panic under pressure.

Not the cow. Ooh, good. I
was about to touch the cow.

- Wow!
- (LAUGHTER) - Well, I'm such an idiot.

Like that time he got
attacked by that killer whale.

- I didn't hear about it.
- Nah, it made all the papers.

I mean, he might think the cow is a killer
whale, because the colours are so similar,

so that might make him panic.

It's starting to make
me very anxious.

(LAUGHTER)

Therefore, he might stay away
from the cow for a long time, you see ―

maybe hewillbe the slowest.

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

Is this is a real...?

(LAUGHTER)

That'll be my first time
touching a cow ― in 2022,

for sure. It's a shame, really. Cos touching
a cow is really good for your mental health.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, I feel better.

Cheers, P Willy. That was
great. Keep up with the cow stuff.

Be careful with
that fence, please.

- Why's that?
- Oh, just...

- Is it electrified?
- ...you're breaking a lot of things right now.

Yeah, well, I mean, OK,

to be honest, I don't
understand... I mean,...

- yeah, I am.
- (LAUGHTER)

The universe is saying that I'm
overweight, I'm clumsy and I'm stupid.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Still, it's been
quite upsetting.

- You guys know each other too well.
- BOTH: Yeah. - (LAUGHTER)

You went in for a
quick touch there, Paul.

- Are you normally that quick to touch?
- (LAUGHTER)

- I'm not answering that.
- (LAUGHTER)

- There could be cows in the audience.
- (LAUGHTER)

Josh, would you say that you
normally panic under pressure?

- (LAUGHTER)
- Nah. Not me. I'm a real chilled-out guy.

(LAUGHTER)

How long did Paul take to touch?

- So, Paul touched the cow in 101 seconds.
- (LAUGHTER)

- One minute 41.
- And Josh touched the cow

in 26 minutes and 35 seconds.

26 minutes.

The order currently is...

- Paul. - Yep.
- Justine, Kura,

- then Josh. - OK.
- The goal is to touch it fourth.

So it all comes down
to what Chris does.

- But what do I need Chris to get?
- You need Chris to be quicker than you.

- Yeah. - Come on, Chrissie!
- (LAUGHTER)

Here is Chris Parker
touching a cow.

(LAUGHTER)

(WESTERN-MOVIE MUSIC)

- READS: Touch the cow.
- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

READS: First person to touch
the cow will be disqualified!

(APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)

I reckon I lost that one.

(LAUGHTER)

My issue here is I just run into
these things as fast as I see them,

you know? Like, I just see
the challenge, act immediately.

And I've just gotta stay
more cool, calm and collected.

All right.

(LAUGHTER)

Thank you, Chris.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Yes!
- Well, Paul, out of all the contestants,

- I'd love to know who touched the cow first.
- (LAUGHTER)

OK. Sorry ― I just need
to crunch the numbers.

(LAUGHTER)

Chris touched it with a
speedy time of 1.6 seconds,...

- Wow.
- ...after he began reading the task.

- That's remarkable.
- So impulsive. You say jump,

- I'll say, 'Yes, please, that sounds like fun.'
- (LAUGHTER)

- So, what does that mean?
- Zero points for Chris,

for being disqualified. Two
points for Josh for touching it fifth.

Three points for Paul
for touching it second.

Four points for Justine
for touching it third.

And touching the cow fourth
and receiving five points,

- Kura Forrester.
- Yay! Yes! - Yay, Kura.

- Right on! - Yes!
- There it is, New Zealand.

Take a moment to go and touch
your cows and tell them you love them.

We'll see you after the
break for our thrilling live task!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Welcome back to the most historic
episode of Taskmaster to date.

We've got one task
remaining, but first, Paul,

- what are the scores at the moment?
- In first equal on 14 points,

- it's Justine and Kura.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Oh my gosh. As long as long as it's one of us.
- WHISPERS: I know.

It's time for everyone's
favourite ― a live task.

- Please take to the stage.
- (APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

Right. This is exciting. Who's
gonna be reading the task, Paul?

- Paul Ego.
- READS: End up with the most duck-filled bucket.

At the start, peek
inside your bucket

and say aloud the
number of ducks within.

You do not have
to tell the truth.

You will all have one turn
each to either keep your bucket

or swap with another player.

If a swap occurs, both
players will need to state again

the number of ducks
within their new buckets.

Bucket with the most
ducks at the end wins.

You may peek inside your
bucket when instructed by Paul.

So first, we're just
looking inside the bucket

and declaring how many
ducks are in our bucket.

No looking! Shit.

I can't see bloody...

There are four
ducks in my bucket.

- 12.
- There are five ducks in my bucket.

- There are six ducks in my bucket.
- (LAUGHTER)

- There am one ducks in my bucket.
- (LAUGHTER)

Chris Parker, would you like
to keep your ducks or swap?

I would like to...

- swap.
- Who would you like to swap with?

- Josh.
- I hope there's 12 in there for you,

- Chrissie boy.
- Same.

How many ducks are
in your new bucket?

- Three.
- (LAUGHTER) - Josh Thompson,

how many ducks are
there in your new bucket?

- 12.
- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Would you like to keep your bucket
of 12 ducks or would you like to swap?

(LAUGHTER)

- I would like to keep mine, please.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Justine Smith.
- I'd like to swap my bucket with Kura.

- No one look at the buckets.
- I think I'm gonna have a heart attack.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Me too. It's very stressful.

Justine, you may look
in your new bucket.

There are seven
ducks in my new bucket.

- Lucky!
- (LAUGHTER)

There are five ducks
in my new bucket.

Would you like to keep
your current bucket or swap?

I would like to keep my current

bucket o' ducks.

- Paul Ego.
- Yeah, I've actually been asleep for the last couple of minutes

(LAUGHTER)

I would like to swap
my bucket, please,

with Chris Parker.

- Controversial!
- (LAUGHTER)

- I don't even wanna look.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Oh fuck!
- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Fuck!
- (LAUGHTER) - Sorry, Chris.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

It might not have been
clear, but that was one duck.

(LAUGHTER)

So this piece of shit thing.

- Oh. (GIGGLES) -
(LAUGHTER) - Hang on. Yeah.

- Hang on. - I'll help you.
- Nah, nah. OK. Nah, nah, nah, nah.

- Don't break it. - BOTH: Two ducks.
- I have three ducks,

- and I won't be having a tantrum.
- (LAUGHTER)

Four ducks for Kura Forrester.

- And Paul Ego.
- He doesn't even know what we're playing.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- I'm so glad I swapped.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Five ducks.
- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Well done, you duckers. Come on
down, and we'll score the episode.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Have you got the results for the live task?
- One point for Chris,

two points for Josh, three
for Justine, four for Kura,

- and five points for Paul Ego.
- (CHEERING) - So funny.

That means the winner of
episode five, with 18 points,

- Kura Forrester!
- (CHEERING)

- Thank you!
- (APPLAUSE) - Congratulations, Kura.

- You can go ahead and grab your bad investments.
- (CHEERING)

That wraps up this
episode of Taskmaster.

Prop-based athletic records
were smashed and an all-time

- cow-pitulation by Chris Parker.
- (LAUGHTER)

But mostly what was made was

another winner, in the
form of Kura Forrester.

We'll see you next week.
Pomarie. Goodnight.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Captions by Faith Hamblyn.

Captions were made with
the support of NZ On Air.

www.able.co.nz
Copyright Able 2022.

I hear a cry for help!

I shall pursue.

Argh!

Whoo-hoo!

- Oh my God.
- Piss! Piss! Piss, my arse!

- Let it out.
- Come on.

- He's been letting it out all series.
- (LAUGHTER)