All language subtitles for Mom.S05E14.Charlotte.Bronte.and.a.Backhoe.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

Hi. My name is Christy.
I'm an alcoholic.

ALL:
Hi, Christy.

And, uh...

that's all I got.

I think there's more.

The plan was to be a lawyer, and
you guys supported me and said,

"Oh, go for it, Christy.
You can do it."

Turns out every law school
I applied to disagrees.

And I can't tell you
how mean it was

of all you people to make me
believe in myself.

I don't know
how you sleep at night.

So, thanks a lot.

Still no.

Anyway, for all of you who say,

"Oh, sobriety's
full of miracles..."

(blows raspberries)

Sorry. I should end
on a positive note, so...

(blows raspberries)

Hi. Jill, alcoholic.

ALL:
Hi, Jill.

Well, transitioning back
to the real world

has been really tough.

Eating healthy was so easy
at the wellness retreat.

I mean, carbs weren't allowed
on the premises,

and I had a inner strength coach
on call 24 hours a day.

It's just not the same

FaceTiming her from
the frozen dessert aisle

with a Sara Lee strudel
in my trembling hand.

I mean, temptation's
all around me.

Every time I open Google Maps,
it reminds me that I live

three-eighths of a mile
from a Perkins Pancake House.

And they're open all night.

You know,
during those dark hours

when you can't stop
your thoughts.

Like right now.

(ice cream truck music
playing outside)

Wait, you all hear that
ice cream truck, too, right?

BONNIE:
Hey, look at that.

A spot right in front.

That's what you get for
praying to the parking gods.

The only god
you believe in.

Not true. I also believe
in the lotto god.

Son of a bitch!

(horn honks)

Little guy,
big motorcycle.

BOTH:
Tiny wiener.

Hey, buddy, we were here first.

You were here first.

You had an opportunity,
but you didn't take it.

Lesson learned.

Check it out, this Muppet
thinks I'm teachable.

Miranda, you're here!

Oh, Jill!

You know her?

Of course.

She's my inner strength
coach from the retreat.

Well, she's a dick.

Oh, you must be Bonnie.

Many people have heard of me;
you're not special.

Thank you so much for coming.

When one of my little lost
bunnies calls me, I'm here.

Energy hug.

(both humming)

I'd like to stay and
mock whatever this is,

but we still
got to park.

Ah. Try around the corner.
I'll save you a seat.

Hey, Bonnie, remember,
see the space, take the space.

Hey, see my foot,
watch your ass.

*

Oh, my God, just having
you here, I feel safer.

I think the donut dreams
are finally gonna stop.

Jill, the only person that can
make you feel safe is you.

What about a fireman?

They always make me feel safe.

Except when you fool around with
one of them in the supply closet

and the next time
they bring in a burn victim,

it's all, "Do I know you?"

And how does that
make you feel?

I'm used to it.

Wendy, it's okay
to be angry.

You have a voice and
we need to hear it.

(quietly):
Okay.

Try this.
(clears throat)

I will be heard!

(quietly):
I will be heard.

Wow, she actually
got quieter.

Turns out the closest spot
was the Home Depot parking lot,

three-quarters of a mile away.

I had to buy this
so they don't tow me.

So, what did I miss?

Miranda is helping
Wendy find her voice.

You sure that's a fuse
you want to light?

(loudly):
Hey, back off!

There's Wendy the Lion.

All right, give
me the hammer.

Yeah.
That's probably smart.

So, Miranda, tell us,

what exactly do you do
at the retreat?

Oh, it's simple, really.

Everyone has an untapped
reservoir of strength,

and it's my calling to help them
frack their way into it.

Frack.

That's wonderful.

This woman saved me.

I'd been at the retreat
for three weeks

and only lost half a pound
when Miranda looked me

straight in the
eyes and said...

I see you.

You do, don't you?
Yeah.

She stood by my side
for the next 12 weeks,

and bam, look
what happened.

I'm back to being
the hottest one here.

Jill, we talked
about this.

Sorry.

Everyone's beautiful in
their own peculiar way.

Better.

How is that better?

It's important
for you to remember

that you had the power
to change all along.

I've been obsessing over
German chocolate cake

with cream
cheese frosting

and how it would
solve all my problems.

Get out of your problems,
get into your power.

I think I could do that
better back at the retreat.

Aw, would that mean
Miranda has to leave?

Oh, well, off you go.

Jill, no.

The Mindful Cactus
is a wonderful place,

but you need to learn
to live in the real world.

And in the real world,
cake happens.

So I can have some?

In moderation, sure.

You have the power to take
a bite and push that plate away.

Uh, yeah, Miranda,
we're not really

a moderation
bunch of gals.

(loudly):
I once drank floor cleaner.

Give me the hammer.

(sighs)

You got to be kidding.

What?
It's 4:30.

Don't you have class?
Why bother?

The world doesn't need another
college-educated waitress.

"Let me tell you
today's specials

and the difference between
Emily and Charlotte Bronte."

Are those your teachers?

Yes.

I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

All of my eggs were

in this law school basket,
and I just dropped the basket.

And that's why you don't put
all your eggs in one basket.

I just got that.

Maybe I need a Miranda.

Hey, I'm your Miranda.

Now snap out of it!

Oh, look, there's that meatball
I dropped last night.

Jill, you want to put away
your Elf on the Shelf

and help me
clean up here?

Careful, Bonnie.

I'll have Santa put you on the
naughty list. (clicks tongue)

I'll be right there.

Talk to me, honey.

It's the damn
cookie table.

It's my turn to clean it,
but I'm afraid I'm gonna

unhinge my jaw and
clean it with my mouth.

Jill, do you know why
I started riding a motorcycle?

Because I used to be afraid
of them, but I'm not anymore.

You're right.

I need to face my fears.
Come on.

Let's do it together.
Okay.

Oh, good God, where'd
those brownies come from?

Relax, Jill.
Marjorie made them.

(brownie clanks)
Hockey pucks with nuts.

Just because things aren't
working out the way you want

doesn't mean
they aren't working out.

You just
got to have faith.

I do. I believe
with all my heart

that my life is
gonna suck forever.

Hey, are you
sober today?

(blows raspberries)

Then you're a winner.

See, you need to look
for small victories.

Did you make your bed
this morning?

I threw the bedspread
over the mess.

I'm gonna put that
in the win column.

I'm sorry,
I couldn't help overhearing,

but you making your bed
is not a win.

You need to aim higher.

(chuckles)
Thank you, Miranda,

but I've been helping people
work this program for 37 years.

I think I know
what I'm talking about.

Oh, I know
I'm just a guest here,

but I have a teeny-tiny issue
with the first step of A.A.

Admit you're powerless?

Why do you have to admit
you're powerless?

Because when it comes
to alcohol, we are powerless,

and we need to remember that.

It's just that I've known y'all
for a few days,

and I don't see
any powerless women.

That's 'cause we're not drunk.

(laughs)

Don't hide behind your humor.

Then I got nothing.

All due respect,

I'm less interested in, um--
what do you call it?--

your higher power,

and more interested
in your inner power.

That's the answer
to your problems.

All due respect,
you're talking out your ass.

See, now that's
powerful.

Christy, what's stopping you
from reaching your goals

is all that bad energy
in your life.

I can help you get rid of it.

If you're gonna
take out my mom, use poison.

She'll see
any other weapons coming.

All I'm saying is you
need to get rid of

all that negativity
out of your system.

If you want, I could
give you an energy cleanse.

You'll have
a whole new you.

No offense, but I
don't really think

any of that stuff works.

Bonnie, I said put
the coffee urn away!

Okay, sorry.

When do we start?

I am so glad you see what
Miranda has to offer.

You are gonna love this.

I hope so. I've never had
my energy cleansed before.

It's probably pretty crusty.

(singsongy):
Hello!

(singsongy):
Hello.

Only she does that.

Oh. Sorry.

Are you ready to go
on a little journey to you?

I guess.

Okay, I'm gonna see you
on the other side.

The other side?

The kitchen.

All right, sweetie,
I want you to lie down.

Close your eyes.

Free your mind.

Imagine yourself floating
in a deep, warm river.

(shouts)

Oh!

Sorry, I was
clearing my pathway.

Okay, but you really should
warn a person.

I'm going to go into
a little bit of a trance.

(gentle music begins)

I don't know
what's going to happen

because every experience
is unique.

I'll be processing your energy,

and I may or may not
have visions along the way.

We'll see.

Permission to enter
your energy space?

I'm gonna need a verbal "yes."

Yes.

(sings high-pitched note)

(sings high-pitched note)

(sings high-pitched note)

(sings high-pitched note,
then low-pitched note)

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh, what was that?

Uh, that's a huge clump
of bad energy.

I'm going to throw it away.

(knuckles crack)

(groaning)

(guttural grunting)

Let me guess,
that was my childhood.

I'm serious. 24 hours later,
I still feel like I'm high.

Clean energy is incredible.

Settle down, Al Gore.

That's so nice that you're
working with Miranda, too.

After she got rid of
Christy's negative energy,

my living room
smelled like sulfur.

I don't know what she did,
but I am a different person now.

A better person.
If only.

I don't think Miranda
made you a better person.

I'm guessing the program had
a lot more to do with it.

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

But I hit a wall, and Miranda's
helping me break through.

Okay. Just one last
thing I'm gonna say.

Again, if only.

Just want to remind you
there are no quick fixes.

I don't know. This was pretty
quick and I feel pretty fixed.

Miranda told me
I have limitless power.

And so now I am recommitting to
my dream of going to law school.

(loudly):
How?

Sorry.

I'm gonna go see
the admissions people,

and I'm gonna
change their minds.

Oh. I believe I also suggested
you do some follow-up,

but maybe you needed to
hear it in a squeaky voice.

All I can say is

that cleanse was the best
500 bucks I've ever spent.

(stutters) What?

You don't have that kind
of money to throw around.

And if you do,
where have you been hiding it?

I put it on my credit card.

You don't have a credit card.

And if you do,
where have you been hiding it?

Miranda said she'd love
to do it for free,

but the universe needs to know
a sacrifice has been made.

And you bought that?
When did you become a boob?

Hey, what's that say
about me?

Well, you can afford
to be a boob.

Back me up here,
loudmouth.

(loudly):
Bonnie's right.

(chanting): Namo amitabha,
namo amitabha, namo amitabha.

Hello, Bonnie.

How did you know it was me?

The temperature changed,
the energy shifted,

and your car backfired
in the driveway.

Were you looking for Jill?
Looking for you.

Look, I don't care if you're
dipping into Jill's Botox fund,

but when you start taking
money from my daughter,

who's barely scraping by,
that's when you hear from me.

Oh, Bonnie, who hurt you?

Don't even try.

No, seriously, I want to know.

And I got to tell you,
I respect the fact

that you're protecting
your daughter,

because I sense you were not
protected by your mother.

Well, who told
you that? Jill?

You did, just now,
with your eyes.

What kind of carny
hustle is this?

What, are you gonna guess
my cholesterol next?

It's too high to joke about.

Look, you may not
believe in what I do,

but that doesn't change the fact
that I care about you.

You don't even know me.
Why would you care about me?

Exactly. You have
a hard time believing

someone can care about you
because you were abandoned.

Uh, I'm here to talk
about Christy.

And it's not your fault
your mother left you.

You were just a baby.

Babies are pure,
they're perfect.

You... sh-shut up!

Oh. There is a perfect baby
inside of you.

I am not falling
for this.

Baby Bonnie!

Oh, God, you-you
smell like cookies.

Come, lie down.
Let me take away your pain.

I'm not sure I...
On the house.

Face up or face down?

Just checking in.
It's been a couple hours.

Any chance the admissions
director is gonna see me?

I told you before, you
should've made an appointment.

Normally I would've, but it was
recently brought to my attention

that I have limitless power.

You don't.

(intercom beeps)

HARRINGTON: Alice,
I blanked on Frank's birthday.

Get me a reservation
somewhere fantastic tonight.

ALICE: Of course,
no problem.

I'm screwed.

Wow, 5:00.

Every restaurant in town's
gonna be full.

Thanks.

Are you familiar with
the Rustic Fig?

Yeah, but they're booked
a month in advance.

Unless you know someone
who has the limitless power

of a waitress.

(crying):
What is happening to me?!

I opened you up.

Well, snap me shut!

You'll be okay.

I just wouldn't make any
important life decisions

for, say, 36 hours,

and I would avoid operating
any heavy equipment.

But what if I have
to drive a backhoe?

Good, you're already
thinking big.

(crying)
Miranda, I did it!

I baked a batch of cookies
and only ate half of one!

Breakthrough!

(both laugh, hum)

Wait for me!

(all humming)

I have amazing news.

(crying):
Me, too.

What happened?

Miranda fracked me pretty good.

Isn't she incredible?

She is.
What's your news?

I went to see the head of
admissions, stated my case,

and she told me I
was on the bubble.

They almost accepted me.

If I bump my LSAT
scores up a notch,

she'll find a place
for me next year.

Oh, baby! (laughs)

Tell me again what the LSAT is.

The big lawyer test, Mom.

I thought that was the bar exam!
(crying)

That's the other
big lawyer test.

Can I please
finish my story?

I'm sorry.
I've always interrupted you.

It's okay, Mom.
Sometimes you just...

It's not o...
When will I stop?!

(crying)

(ringtone playing)

Hello?

Christy, it's Miranda.

Hey, you are not gonna believe

what happened to me,
and it's all thanks to you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you had the
power within you the whole time.

Listen, we got a bit
of a situation over here.

I went out for a hike, I came
back, and I found her like this.

Oh, my God.
What happened?

I was working with her
on moderation.

I convinced her she could eat
half a cookie, then stop.

So she tried it with booze.
Yeah.

(slurring):
I messed up.

Don't worry, honey, we're here.

I can't believe
I threw away all that time.

I'm so stupid.

You're not stupid;
you're an alcoholic.

I'm really sorry, Jill.

Not your fault, Miranda.

You can't make someone get sober
and you can't make them drink.

Marjorie?

Yes, honey?

Half a cookie
doesn't work.

Not for you, sweetie.

None of us are
half a cookie people.

(crying): Even though
I really want to be.

(loudly): Oh, pipe down.
It's not about you!

Marjorie,
Wendy's being mean to me.

Okay, this may
be your fault.

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