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1
00:00:02,698 --> 00:00:03,873
VIOLET:
And the tips I get at the casino
2
00:00:03,916 --> 00:00:06,832
are fantastic,
especially from old guys.
3
00:00:06,876 --> 00:00:09,444
Lake Tahoe's
full of old guys, so...
4
00:00:09,487 --> 00:00:12,490
You should come, Mom, you would
be a total trophy wife up here.
5
00:00:13,361 --> 00:00:14,927
Yeah, alcoholic waitress
6
00:00:14,971 --> 00:00:17,060
with two kids, some trophy.
7
00:00:17,104 --> 00:00:18,192
Are you dating anybody?
8
00:00:18,235 --> 00:00:19,802
Not really,
9
00:00:19,845 --> 00:00:23,110
I'm mostly concentrating on work
and saving my money.
10
00:00:23,153 --> 00:00:25,851
I was actually thinking
if I put enough aside,
11
00:00:25,895 --> 00:00:27,592
I could move to France
for a year,
12
00:00:27,636 --> 00:00:30,813
learn a new language,
maybe study to become a chef.
13
00:00:30,856 --> 00:00:33,120
Sounds like you're doing
really well.
14
00:00:33,163 --> 00:00:34,773
So well.
15
00:00:34,817 --> 00:00:36,427
Okay, I got to go.
16
00:00:36,471 --> 00:00:38,821
My roommate and I are gonna go
for a jog around the lake
17
00:00:38,864 --> 00:00:42,129
before our shifts start,
so I'll talk to you next week.
18
00:00:42,172 --> 00:00:45,045
Bye, honey.
Bye.
19
00:00:46,263 --> 00:00:47,743
What do you think?
20
00:00:47,786 --> 00:00:49,832
Every word a lie.
21
00:00:49,875 --> 00:00:50,876
I know, right?
22
00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:51,921
A chef?
23
00:00:51,964 --> 00:00:53,009
Jog?
24
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:54,793
It was hard to keep
a straight face.
25
00:00:54,837 --> 00:00:56,969
So, what do you think
she's really up to?
26
00:00:57,013 --> 00:00:58,232
[knock at door]
27
00:00:58,275 --> 00:00:59,624
No idea, but she didn't
ask for money,
28
00:00:59,668 --> 00:01:01,061
so I couldn't be prouder.
29
00:01:04,586 --> 00:01:06,849
Hey, it's
the whole gang.
30
00:01:06,892 --> 00:01:08,198
Hi, buddy.
31
00:01:08,242 --> 00:01:09,286
Hi.
32
00:01:09,330 --> 00:01:10,896
What's with him?
33
00:01:10,940 --> 00:01:12,594
Oh, we need to talk.
34
00:01:12,637 --> 00:01:14,117
Oh, no.
35
00:01:14,161 --> 00:01:15,466
Are you breaking up with me?
36
00:01:17,251 --> 00:01:18,991
What's going on?
37
00:01:19,035 --> 00:01:21,168
We had an incident.
38
00:01:21,211 --> 00:01:22,299
Let's not overreact.
39
00:01:22,343 --> 00:01:25,128
We caught Roscoe
smoking marijuana.
40
00:01:25,172 --> 00:01:26,129
What?
Oh, no.
41
00:01:26,173 --> 00:01:28,653
Again, let's
not overreact.
42
00:01:28,697 --> 00:01:30,220
It's just a
couple of hits,
43
00:01:30,264 --> 00:01:32,135
he was coughing
like a rookie.
44
00:01:32,179 --> 00:01:34,137
While you were
in the house?
45
00:01:34,181 --> 00:01:37,097
No, no, we were on our way
to my friend's baby shower
46
00:01:37,140 --> 00:01:39,403
when we realized that
Baxter forgot the gift.
47
00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:41,710
It was a box set of
Curious Georgebooks.
48
00:01:43,059 --> 00:01:44,887
Maybe not important, go on.
49
00:01:45,931 --> 00:01:48,108
So, when we walked
back into the house,
50
00:01:48,151 --> 00:01:49,370
I looked through
the French doors
51
00:01:49,413 --> 00:01:52,590
and there he was,
puffing away in the Jacuzzi.
52
00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:56,072
Where the hell did he
learn to smoke and soak?
53
00:01:57,247 --> 00:01:58,248
And where did he get the pot?
54
00:01:58,292 --> 00:02:00,076
He said a friend
at school.
55
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,164
He didn't get it from you?
56
00:02:01,208 --> 00:02:02,252
Of course not.
57
00:02:02,296 --> 00:02:04,298
What do you mean,
"Of course not"?
58
00:02:04,341 --> 00:02:05,212
You smoke all the time.
59
00:02:05,255 --> 00:02:06,996
You're more marijuana than man.
60
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,390
Excuse me, but Baxter
61
00:02:09,433 --> 00:02:10,695
no longer smokes marijuana.
62
00:02:10,739 --> 00:02:12,175
Really?
63
00:02:12,219 --> 00:02:14,351
Yes, really.
64
00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:15,657
Candace stood next to me
65
00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:17,572
while I flushed my whole
stash down the toilet,
66
00:02:17,615 --> 00:02:21,053
longest 45 minutes
of my life.
67
00:02:21,097 --> 00:02:22,185
Are you buying
any of this?
68
00:02:22,229 --> 00:02:23,273
It's true.
69
00:02:23,317 --> 00:02:24,622
We're trying
to get pregnant.
70
00:02:24,666 --> 00:02:26,842
Smoking's bad
for the sperm count
71
00:02:26,885 --> 00:02:29,061
and plus there's
fallopian tube issues...
72
00:02:29,105 --> 00:02:30,280
Baxter!
73
00:02:30,324 --> 00:02:32,413
I didn't say who
had the issues.
74
00:02:34,328 --> 00:02:35,764
This doesn't
make any sense.
75
00:02:35,807 --> 00:02:37,331
He was always
such a happy kid.
76
00:02:37,374 --> 00:02:38,941
Why would he
need to get high?
77
00:02:38,984 --> 00:02:40,072
Really?
78
00:02:40,116 --> 00:02:41,900
Given how he was raised,
you have to ask?
79
00:02:42,771 --> 00:02:44,903
Are you saying this is my fault?
80
00:02:44,947 --> 00:02:48,168
Well... I'm certainly
not a drug addict.
81
00:02:50,953 --> 00:02:53,129
Baxter, you might want
to get her out of here
82
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,175
before I break that
store-bought nose.
83
00:02:56,306 --> 00:02:57,612
Come on, honey.
84
00:02:57,655 --> 00:02:59,266
I had a deviated septum.
85
00:02:59,309 --> 00:03:01,181
Yeah, and you're
gonna have it again!
86
00:03:02,269 --> 00:03:03,618
Chef Violet's looking
87
00:03:03,661 --> 00:03:05,968
pretty good right now,
isn't she?
88
00:03:07,056 --> 00:03:08,971
♪
89
00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:26,075
I thought we were
five years away
90
00:03:26,118 --> 00:03:27,294
from having to
deal with this.
91
00:03:27,337 --> 00:03:28,338
Really? Five?
92
00:03:28,382 --> 00:03:29,470
He still eats cereal
93
00:03:29,513 --> 00:03:31,515
with pirates on the box.
94
00:03:31,559 --> 00:03:33,430
I know, but it's happening now,
95
00:03:33,474 --> 00:03:35,040
so how do you want to handle it?
96
00:03:35,084 --> 00:03:37,347
I don't. I want to pretend
it's not happening.
97
00:03:37,391 --> 00:03:39,480
All right,
then let's sit down and eat.
98
00:03:39,523 --> 00:03:40,916
You're kidding, right?
99
00:03:40,959 --> 00:03:43,353
Well, you know the kid's
probably hungry.
100
00:03:45,355 --> 00:03:47,357
Roscoe, get out here!
101
00:03:50,273 --> 00:03:51,405
Well?
102
00:03:51,448 --> 00:03:53,102
What do you have to say
for yourself?
103
00:03:53,145 --> 00:03:56,148
I thought they'd be gone longer.
104
00:03:56,192 --> 00:03:57,585
You believe this kid?
105
00:03:57,628 --> 00:03:59,500
That was pretty cute.
106
00:03:59,543 --> 00:04:01,632
Sit down.
107
00:04:01,676 --> 00:04:02,981
Let's get this over with.
108
00:04:03,025 --> 00:04:04,287
How much trouble am I in?
109
00:04:04,331 --> 00:04:06,289
Oh, I think you know.
110
00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:07,682
I don't.
111
00:04:07,725 --> 00:04:09,771
Well, that didn't work.
112
00:04:09,814 --> 00:04:11,425
[sighs]
113
00:04:11,468 --> 00:04:13,688
Roscoe, after everything
you've seen me and your grandma
114
00:04:13,731 --> 00:04:15,167
go through,
why would you do this?
115
00:04:15,211 --> 00:04:17,082
I'm sorry,
it was the first time.
116
00:04:17,126 --> 00:04:18,214
I didn't even like it.
117
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,303
Aw, he thinks we're stupid.
118
00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:23,524
If you're gonna lie to us,
119
00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:24,699
you're gonna have to try
a little harder.
120
00:04:24,742 --> 00:04:25,961
I'm not lying.
121
00:04:26,004 --> 00:04:27,571
You get that addiction
runs in our family.
122
00:04:27,615 --> 00:04:29,965
Along with lying.
123
00:04:30,008 --> 00:04:31,967
What do you want from me?
I said I'm sorry.
124
00:04:32,010 --> 00:04:33,664
Where'd you even get the pot?
125
00:04:33,708 --> 00:04:35,318
From a kid at school.What's his name?
126
00:04:35,362 --> 00:04:37,407
I don't want to say.You have to tell us.
127
00:04:37,451 --> 00:04:39,453
Grandma said that
I should never be a snitch.
128
00:04:39,496 --> 00:04:41,324
I said never be a snitch,
129
00:04:41,368 --> 00:04:43,283
unless the DA
offers you immunity.
130
00:04:45,154 --> 00:04:47,417
Mom, I'm never gonna do it
again, I promise.
131
00:04:48,505 --> 00:04:50,899
Okay, well, I want you
132
00:04:50,942 --> 00:04:52,857
to stay away
from this unnamed kid.
133
00:04:52,901 --> 00:04:53,945
I will.
134
00:04:53,989 --> 00:04:55,077
I don't even like him.
135
00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:56,121
Yeah, 'cause everyone hates
136
00:04:56,165 --> 00:04:57,384
the kid who gives away pot.
137
00:04:58,820 --> 00:05:00,430
You need better lies.
138
00:05:00,474 --> 00:05:01,779
But I'm telling the truth.
139
00:05:01,823 --> 00:05:03,433
Enough! Go to your room.
140
00:05:11,702 --> 00:05:12,834
Well, this is a nightmare.
141
00:05:12,877 --> 00:05:14,052
That it is.
142
00:05:14,096 --> 00:05:15,489
I don't know what to do.
143
00:05:15,532 --> 00:05:16,490
Well, we know grounding him
144
00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:17,491
isn't gonna work.
145
00:05:17,534 --> 00:05:18,970
Remember when you grounded me
146
00:05:19,014 --> 00:05:20,058
for smoking weed at his age?
147
00:05:20,102 --> 00:05:21,233
Yeah. Hard to do
148
00:05:21,277 --> 00:05:23,061
when you're living in a car.
149
00:05:23,105 --> 00:05:24,672
You sent me to the backseat
150
00:05:24,715 --> 00:05:26,413
to think about what I'd done.
151
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:28,632
Okay, but at least now
152
00:05:28,676 --> 00:05:29,981
we're both in recovery
153
00:05:30,025 --> 00:05:31,766
and we have tools
to deal with this.
154
00:05:31,809 --> 00:05:34,159
What are those tools, Mom?
155
00:05:35,030 --> 00:05:36,074
I don't know,
156
00:05:36,118 --> 00:05:37,815
sometimes I just say things.
157
00:05:41,558 --> 00:05:43,821
Well, I am proud
to announce
158
00:05:43,865 --> 00:05:45,388
I now have the
longest sobriety
159
00:05:45,432 --> 00:05:46,607
of anyone in my family,
160
00:05:46,650 --> 00:05:48,478
including my 12-year-old son.
161
00:05:49,479 --> 00:05:50,262
There's something
162
00:05:50,306 --> 00:05:52,003
for the Christmas letter.
163
00:05:52,047 --> 00:05:54,092
Where'd Roscoe
get the pot?
164
00:05:54,136 --> 00:05:55,616
He says from a kid at school,
165
00:05:55,659 --> 00:05:57,269
but I'm still not sure
I believe him.
166
00:05:57,313 --> 00:05:58,706
That's where I got
my first joint.
167
00:05:58,749 --> 00:06:00,403
Alex Marcucci.
168
00:06:00,447 --> 00:06:01,752
He could roll them
with one hand.
169
00:06:01,796 --> 00:06:03,624
What's so special
about that?
170
00:06:03,667 --> 00:06:05,495
He only had one hand.
171
00:06:06,888 --> 00:06:09,804
I just can't believe
this is happening.
172
00:06:09,847 --> 00:06:11,545
He's only in
seventh grade.
173
00:06:11,588 --> 00:06:13,416
Hmm, that's how old I was.
174
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:15,113
I stole one of my
mother's Valium,
175
00:06:15,157 --> 00:06:16,724
washed it down
with my mother's vodka
176
00:06:16,767 --> 00:06:18,856
and threw up
on my mom's poodle.
177
00:06:20,728 --> 00:06:22,425
Did you get in a lot of trouble?
178
00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:25,472
No, she was so out of it,
she thought she did it.
179
00:06:27,474 --> 00:06:29,563
I smoked my first joint
when I was 14,
180
00:06:29,606 --> 00:06:32,348
but I had already done acid
and mushrooms by then,
181
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:34,524
so, you know,
weed, whoop-de-do.
182
00:06:36,526 --> 00:06:38,223
Christy, I understand
why you're worried,
183
00:06:38,267 --> 00:06:39,964
but this doesn't mean
Roscoe's going down
184
00:06:40,008 --> 00:06:41,705
the same road as
the rest of us.
185
00:06:41,749 --> 00:06:43,620
It doesn't mean he's not.
186
00:06:43,664 --> 00:06:45,579
Well, the only thing
you can do right now
187
00:06:45,622 --> 00:06:48,059
is make it safe for
him to talk to you.
188
00:06:48,103 --> 00:06:50,018
Hey, don't put this on me!
189
00:06:50,061 --> 00:06:52,237
My son knows he can talk
to me anytime!
190
00:06:52,281 --> 00:06:54,109
I've worked my ass off
to be supportive
191
00:06:54,152 --> 00:06:55,502
and easy to open up to!
192
00:06:57,982 --> 00:07:01,116
And you all thought
I was the crazy one.
193
00:07:05,990 --> 00:07:08,645
You went online,
you read all the reviews,
194
00:07:08,689 --> 00:07:10,473
but here's something
they don't tell you
195
00:07:10,517 --> 00:07:12,170
about Korean cars...
196
00:07:12,214 --> 00:07:14,999
no one'll ever steal it.
197
00:07:15,043 --> 00:07:17,045
Hey, Baxter.
198
00:07:17,088 --> 00:07:18,089
Got a minute?
199
00:07:18,133 --> 00:07:19,090
Not really.
200
00:07:19,134 --> 00:07:20,875
Make a minute.
201
00:07:20,918 --> 00:07:22,485
I'll be right back.
202
00:07:22,529 --> 00:07:25,314
Sit inside and enjoy
how a nation of short people
203
00:07:25,357 --> 00:07:28,448
built a car with surprisingly
ample head room.
204
00:07:29,536 --> 00:07:31,451
In here.
205
00:07:32,756 --> 00:07:35,542
So... what's going on?
206
00:07:35,585 --> 00:07:37,065
What the hell do you
think is going on?!
207
00:07:37,108 --> 00:07:40,677
I'm guessing the pot thing
with Roscoe?
208
00:07:40,721 --> 00:07:42,157
You're guessing?
209
00:07:44,812 --> 00:07:45,856
Okay, I'm locking it in.
210
00:07:45,900 --> 00:07:47,249
That's my final answer.
211
00:07:47,292 --> 00:07:48,380
Look, I didn't want to do this
212
00:07:48,424 --> 00:07:49,643
in front of Candace
213
00:07:49,686 --> 00:07:51,427
'cause, frankly,
I don't want to do anything
214
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,821
in front of Candace,
but you got to level with me.
215
00:07:53,864 --> 00:07:55,649
Christy, it was not my pot.
216
00:07:55,692 --> 00:07:58,216
You do know what "level with me"
means, right?
217
00:07:58,260 --> 00:07:59,522
It means stop lying.
218
00:07:59,566 --> 00:08:01,045
I told you, I stopped smoking
219
00:08:01,089 --> 00:08:02,699
'cause of my low sperm count!
220
00:08:11,273 --> 00:08:13,536
I've known you for 15 years.
221
00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:15,233
The longest you've ever gone
without smoking pot
222
00:08:15,277 --> 00:08:17,148
was when we went to Disney World
with your parents.
223
00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:18,410
Oh, I got high at Disney World.
224
00:08:18,454 --> 00:08:20,021
How do you not get high
at Disney World?
225
00:08:20,064 --> 00:08:21,544
And now I'm supposed to believe
226
00:08:21,588 --> 00:08:22,763
there's no weed in your house?
227
00:08:22,806 --> 00:08:25,592
Yes, because I told you
there isn't.
228
00:08:25,635 --> 00:08:26,636
Look...
229
00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:27,724
I know this is a hot button
230
00:08:27,768 --> 00:08:29,030
for you and it would make
231
00:08:29,073 --> 00:08:30,510
your life a lot easier
if I was the one
232
00:08:30,553 --> 00:08:32,599
that screwed up, but I didn't.
233
00:08:35,819 --> 00:08:37,691
Okay.
234
00:08:37,734 --> 00:08:39,083
I'm sorry.
235
00:08:39,127 --> 00:08:41,129
It's just...
236
00:08:41,172 --> 00:08:42,739
I'm so sad.
237
00:08:42,783 --> 00:08:45,002
Me, too.
238
00:08:45,046 --> 00:08:46,961
But let's remember
Roscoe's a good kid
239
00:08:47,004 --> 00:08:48,745
and he made one mistake.
240
00:08:48,789 --> 00:08:51,792
Yeah, well, I was a good kid
who made one mistake
241
00:08:51,835 --> 00:08:53,576
every day for 24 years.
242
00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:56,710
But you didn't have
a mom like you.
243
00:08:56,753 --> 00:08:58,146
Wow.
244
00:08:58,189 --> 00:09:00,365
That's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.
245
00:09:00,409 --> 00:09:01,715
I've said nicer things,
246
00:09:01,758 --> 00:09:03,673
you were just too
drunk to remember.
247
00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,677
So you and Candace are
trying to get pregnant?
248
00:09:07,721 --> 00:09:10,332
Yeah, she's taking hormones,
checking her temperature.
249
00:09:10,375 --> 00:09:12,682
We always have to do it
in a certain position.
250
00:09:12,726 --> 00:09:14,597
My fault, I asked.
251
00:09:14,641 --> 00:09:16,033
See you later.
252
00:09:16,077 --> 00:09:17,905
You think that's bad,
she's having me wear boxers
253
00:09:17,948 --> 00:09:19,602
to keep my balls cool.
254
00:09:24,781 --> 00:09:27,392
Sorry, Janice.
255
00:09:30,352 --> 00:09:32,180
Got enough
chocolate sauce?
Yup.
256
00:09:32,223 --> 00:09:33,834
You want
more sprinkles?
Yup.
257
00:09:33,877 --> 00:09:36,445
Do you know where your dad
hides his pot?
Yup.
258
00:09:36,488 --> 00:09:38,360
Damn it.
259
00:09:38,403 --> 00:09:41,798
So it was your dad's joint
you were smoking?
260
00:09:41,842 --> 00:09:43,191
I guess.
261
00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:44,627
Why'd you cover for him?
262
00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:47,325
I don't know. He's my dad.
263
00:09:47,369 --> 00:09:49,763
That's sweet.
Stupid but sweet.
264
00:09:49,806 --> 00:09:52,113
[door opens]Please don't tell Mom.
265
00:09:52,156 --> 00:09:55,595
Hey, who taught
you never to be a snitch?[door closes]
266
00:09:55,638 --> 00:09:57,771
CHRISTY:
I'm home.
He got the pot
from Baxter!
267
00:09:57,814 --> 00:09:59,511
Hey!
268
00:09:59,555 --> 00:10:03,254
Another lesson--
never trust anybody.
269
00:10:12,524 --> 00:10:14,744
Hi. I'm Christy.
I'm an alcoholic.
270
00:10:14,788 --> 00:10:17,094
ALL:
Hi, Christy.
271
00:10:17,138 --> 00:10:19,880
As you can see,
I brought my son tonight.
272
00:10:19,923 --> 00:10:21,316
[quietly]:
Don't look at him.
273
00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:22,926
He'll know I'm
talking about him.
274
00:10:24,319 --> 00:10:26,843
Normally I'd leave him home
275
00:10:26,887 --> 00:10:28,715
to watch television, but
276
00:10:28,758 --> 00:10:30,673
I just don't trust him
right now.
277
00:10:30,717 --> 00:10:31,979
Hang on.
278
00:10:32,022 --> 00:10:34,546
Oh, look, a Pokémon!
279
00:10:34,590 --> 00:10:36,026
You're good.
280
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:41,902
Anyway, he got caught smoking
a joint at my ex's house.
281
00:10:41,945 --> 00:10:44,513
12 years old, and
he's smoking pot in a Jacuzzi
282
00:10:44,556 --> 00:10:46,646
like some kind of
itty-bitty rapper.
283
00:10:46,689 --> 00:10:48,648
Don't look at him.
284
00:10:48,691 --> 00:10:50,388
And the worst part is,
285
00:10:50,432 --> 00:10:52,347
he stole the weed
from his father,
286
00:10:52,390 --> 00:10:54,044
who lied to my face
about quitting
287
00:10:54,088 --> 00:10:55,698
because of his pathetic
sperm count.
288
00:10:55,742 --> 00:10:57,657
And yes,
289
00:10:57,700 --> 00:11:00,572
I know I shouldn't be gossiping
about that, but I don't care.
290
00:11:00,616 --> 00:11:04,185
I hope he has to keep banging
that witch upside down forever.
291
00:11:05,795 --> 00:11:07,492
Anyway,
292
00:11:07,536 --> 00:11:10,539
I think
what's really bothering me is
293
00:11:10,582 --> 00:11:13,455
I'm just so scared
that my son's gonna wind up
294
00:11:13,498 --> 00:11:15,587
in one of these rooms one day,
295
00:11:15,631 --> 00:11:18,939
but, you know,
without headphones.
296
00:11:18,982 --> 00:11:21,202
Don't look at him.
297
00:11:22,812 --> 00:11:25,162
I guess that's it.
298
00:11:25,206 --> 00:11:28,513
Thanks for letting me share
the endless turd storm
299
00:11:28,557 --> 00:11:29,863
that is my life.
300
00:11:32,779 --> 00:11:34,302
Okay. Anyone else?
301
00:11:34,345 --> 00:11:36,260
Hi. Bonnie, alcoholic.
302
00:11:36,304 --> 00:11:37,914
ALL:
Hi, Bonnie.
303
00:11:37,958 --> 00:11:41,483
And I, too, know what it's like
to have a child in these rooms.
304
00:11:41,526 --> 00:11:44,616
Don't look at her.
305
00:11:47,358 --> 00:11:49,752
Baxter just pulled up.
306
00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:51,841
Okay, what's the plan?
307
00:11:51,885 --> 00:11:53,277
Simple. I'm gonna kill him,
308
00:11:53,321 --> 00:11:54,931
you're gonna dispose
of the body.
309
00:11:54,975 --> 00:11:57,673
I never get the fun part.
310
00:11:57,717 --> 00:12:00,458
I wish I thought
any of this was fun.
311
00:12:00,502 --> 00:12:02,286
Can be. Have you taken a moment
312
00:12:02,330 --> 00:12:04,941
to consider how much leverage
you have right now?
313
00:12:04,985 --> 00:12:06,334
What are you talking about?
314
00:12:06,377 --> 00:12:09,119
You know that he lied
to his wife.
315
00:12:09,163 --> 00:12:12,427
And you know that without her,
he's jobless, homeless
316
00:12:12,470 --> 00:12:15,909
and back to selling his sperm,
which we now know is worthless.
317
00:12:15,952 --> 00:12:18,346
So with that in mind,
318
00:12:18,389 --> 00:12:21,349
what if you were to suggest that
in exchange for your silence,
319
00:12:21,392 --> 00:12:23,568
he might want to send you
and your mother
320
00:12:23,612 --> 00:12:25,570
to Hawaii for a week
for the low price
321
00:12:25,614 --> 00:12:29,183
of $1,700 per person
courtesy of Travelocity?
322
00:12:29,226 --> 00:12:33,013
Ooh, Kauai,
the garden island.
Mm-hmm.
323
00:12:33,056 --> 00:12:35,015
And look, a complimentary luau
324
00:12:35,058 --> 00:12:36,973
with a pig they cook
in the ground.
325
00:12:37,017 --> 00:12:40,368
Mmm. I've never
eaten a dirty pig.
326
00:12:41,717 --> 00:12:43,937
Yes, I heard it.
327
00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:45,460
So what do you think?
328
00:12:45,503 --> 00:12:49,507
No, this is about
my son's well-being.
329
00:12:49,551 --> 00:12:51,683
Not about seven days
and six nights
330
00:12:51,727 --> 00:12:53,729
at the Sheraton
Poipu Beach.
Mm.
331
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:56,950
You're a better mother
when you're tan.
332
00:12:56,993 --> 00:12:58,821
[doorbell rings]
333
00:12:58,865 --> 00:13:00,518
No.
334
00:13:00,562 --> 00:13:01,911
Oh, come on!
335
00:13:01,955 --> 00:13:04,479
We can swim with the dolphins!
336
00:13:06,263 --> 00:13:08,613
Hey. Roscoe ready to go?
337
00:13:08,657 --> 00:13:10,877
Hang out a minute.
He's washing my car.
338
00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:11,965
Ah, that's smart.
339
00:13:12,008 --> 00:13:13,662
A little manual labor
as punishment?
340
00:13:13,705 --> 00:13:14,924
Builds character.
341
00:13:14,968 --> 00:13:16,230
Yeah, shut up and sit down.
342
00:13:16,273 --> 00:13:18,798
What?You heard her.
343
00:13:18,841 --> 00:13:21,104
Okay.
344
00:13:24,891 --> 00:13:26,936
Everything all right?
345
00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:29,896
Roscoe told us he
found your stash.
346
00:13:29,939 --> 00:13:31,375
That's impossible.
347
00:13:31,419 --> 00:13:33,595
There is no stash.
I told you I quit.
348
00:13:34,726 --> 00:13:36,946
So you're calling
your son a liar?
349
00:13:36,990 --> 00:13:42,299
I, uh... I guess.
350
00:13:42,343 --> 00:13:44,867
Oh, man up, you
sperm-less weasel!
351
00:13:46,086 --> 00:13:48,001
Tell me the truth.
352
00:13:48,044 --> 00:13:51,221
Okay, it was me!
I'm sorry!
353
00:13:51,265 --> 00:13:53,354
You made me feel
like it was my fault.
354
00:13:53,397 --> 00:13:57,184
Of course I did!
I'm a sperm-less weasel!
355
00:13:57,227 --> 00:14:00,448
All right, now here's
what's gonna happen.
356
00:14:04,408 --> 00:14:07,107
You're gonna call Candace
and tell her the truth.
357
00:14:07,150 --> 00:14:09,283
I can't do that.
She'll throw me out.
358
00:14:09,326 --> 00:14:10,893
Fine, then I'll tell her.
359
00:14:10,937 --> 00:14:12,155
Go ahead.
360
00:14:12,199 --> 00:14:14,549
She's not gonna believe you.
She hates you,
361
00:14:14,592 --> 00:14:19,032
whereas I'm the man
she's settling for.
362
00:14:19,075 --> 00:14:20,729
That might be true.
363
00:14:20,772 --> 00:14:22,600
Let's find out.
364
00:14:22,644 --> 00:14:23,863
Let's.
365
00:14:23,906 --> 00:14:25,560
Unlocking my phone.
366
00:14:25,603 --> 00:14:27,475
Scrolling through contacts.
367
00:14:27,518 --> 00:14:30,695
Selecting "Big
Red Nightmare."
368
00:14:33,046 --> 00:14:35,613
"Mobile."
369
00:14:35,657 --> 00:14:38,399
And it's ringing.Tell her I said hi.
370
00:14:39,704 --> 00:14:41,576
Hi, Candace.
371
00:14:41,619 --> 00:14:44,144
It's Christy...Stop, stop, stop!
Stop, stop, stop, stop!
372
00:14:44,187 --> 00:14:46,581
Just give me a second
to explain.
373
00:14:46,624 --> 00:14:48,322
I know both of you think
that I'm...
374
00:14:48,365 --> 00:14:50,802
[ringtone plays]Oh, my God, she's calling back.
375
00:14:50,846 --> 00:14:52,935
Oh.
Hey!
376
00:14:56,199 --> 00:14:58,941
I'll buy you a new phone!
377
00:14:58,985 --> 00:15:00,247
Look, I am sorry
378
00:15:00,290 --> 00:15:01,944
that I threw you under the bus,
379
00:15:01,988 --> 00:15:04,077
but you have to understand
what my life isnow.
380
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:07,210
I pretend all day long
to like selling cars,
381
00:15:07,254 --> 00:15:10,126
then go
to my tastefully decorated home
382
00:15:10,170 --> 00:15:12,955
and pretend
to like barbecuing fish.
383
00:15:12,999 --> 00:15:15,175
And if that's not bad enough,
384
00:15:15,218 --> 00:15:18,395
I have to pretend to like
listening to Adele during sex!
385
00:15:20,571 --> 00:15:23,270
I can't do all of that
without pot!
386
00:15:24,836 --> 00:15:26,534
Please don't take it away
from me.
387
00:15:26,577 --> 00:15:28,797
It's the only thing that's real!
388
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,017
Besides the love you have
for your son.
389
00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:33,410
Yeah, of course. That's magical.
390
00:15:36,022 --> 00:15:37,545
Please don't tell her.
391
00:15:37,588 --> 00:15:40,026
I'll do anything, I swear.
392
00:15:40,069 --> 00:15:42,071
Aloha?
393
00:15:43,855 --> 00:15:46,380
Okay, listen up.
394
00:15:46,423 --> 00:15:48,164
You are gonna get your pot out
of the house--
395
00:15:48,208 --> 00:15:49,992
all of it this time.
396
00:15:50,036 --> 00:15:51,994
Then you're gonna put it in
a lock box with a combination,
397
00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:54,692
and then you're gonna send me
a picture of that box.
398
00:15:54,736 --> 00:15:56,346
You got it.
399
00:15:56,390 --> 00:15:58,914
I'll do it tonight when Big
Red's watching Real Housewives.
400
00:16:00,307 --> 00:16:02,874
Is that it? Are we good?
401
00:16:02,918 --> 00:16:05,703
One of us is good. Mom?
402
00:16:05,747 --> 00:16:08,228
Go for it?Go for it.
403
00:16:08,271 --> 00:16:10,273
I'll get my laptop.
Get out your credit card.
404
00:16:15,496 --> 00:16:17,498
Are you in trouble
with Candace?
405
00:16:17,541 --> 00:16:20,153
No more than usual.
406
00:16:20,196 --> 00:16:22,024
Are you in trouble with Mom?
407
00:16:22,068 --> 00:16:24,635
No more than usual.
408
00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:27,595
Are you mad at me?
409
00:16:27,638 --> 00:16:29,684
Are you kidding?
Of course not.
410
00:16:29,727 --> 00:16:32,208
If anything, I should be
apologizing to you.
411
00:16:32,252 --> 00:16:34,167
I'm listening.
412
00:16:35,255 --> 00:16:38,258
Roscoe, you know I smoke pot.
413
00:16:38,301 --> 00:16:39,694
Yeah.
414
00:16:39,737 --> 00:16:41,391
And so, you might think
that's cool
415
00:16:41,435 --> 00:16:43,872
because, you know, I'm cool.
416
00:16:43,915 --> 00:16:45,830
[Roscoe laughs]
417
00:16:45,874 --> 00:16:48,224
Sorry, go on.
418
00:16:49,312 --> 00:16:51,184
But it's not cool.
419
00:16:51,227 --> 00:16:54,274
It's a crutch that people use
when, you know,
420
00:16:54,317 --> 00:16:56,319
they're dealing with feelings
they don't like.
421
00:16:56,363 --> 00:16:58,539
I get it.
422
00:16:59,670 --> 00:17:01,890
Is that why you did it?
423
00:17:01,933 --> 00:17:04,849
No.
424
00:17:04,893 --> 00:17:06,982
So then why?
425
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,114
The truth?
426
00:17:08,157 --> 00:17:09,158
Yeah.
427
00:17:10,290 --> 00:17:12,248
We were out of beer.
428
00:17:12,292 --> 00:17:14,642
[tires squealing]
429
00:17:24,478 --> 00:17:27,002
They really pack you
in here, don't they?
430
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:30,136
Really, chipmunk?
You feel crammed in?
431
00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:32,138
Oh, sorry.
432
00:17:32,181 --> 00:17:35,750
Hey, I saw Alicia Keys
in first class.
433
00:17:35,793 --> 00:17:37,273
You want to say hello?
434
00:17:37,317 --> 00:17:38,405
Not really, no.
435
00:17:38,448 --> 00:17:40,233
Oh, come on.
She's just sitting there.
436
00:17:40,276 --> 00:17:42,496
I'm sure she'd appreciate
meeting some of her fans.
437
00:17:42,539 --> 00:17:44,063
I'm sure you're wrong.
438
00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:45,455
What's your problem?
439
00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:47,109
We're on a free vacation.
440
00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:50,286
I know. I'm just
thinking about Roscoe.
441
00:17:50,330 --> 00:17:53,159
Look, we got all the drugs
out of that house,
442
00:17:53,202 --> 00:17:54,725
Baxter's gonna watch him
like a hawk.
443
00:17:54,769 --> 00:17:56,292
We've done all we can do.
444
00:17:56,336 --> 00:17:59,121
You're right.
I'll try to relax.
445
00:17:59,165 --> 00:18:03,169
There you go. Let's raise
our cups of warm ginger ale
446
00:18:03,212 --> 00:18:05,649
and toast to seven days,
six nights in paradise
447
00:18:05,693 --> 00:18:07,260
with free breakfast buffet.
448
00:18:07,303 --> 00:18:09,653
Don't forget
the dirty pig.
[laughs]
449
00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:14,441
[sighs]
450
00:18:16,225 --> 00:18:20,186
There's only one thing that bugs
me about this whole Roscoe deal.What?
451
00:18:20,229 --> 00:18:23,363
He said it was the first time
he ever smoked pot.
452
00:18:23,406 --> 00:18:25,800
Now, is a Jacuzzi
the place you go
453
00:18:25,843 --> 00:18:27,323
to get high for the first time,
454
00:18:27,367 --> 00:18:33,112
or is that... optimizing an
experience you've already had?
455
00:18:35,375 --> 00:18:37,159
Turn this plane around!
31521
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