All language subtitles for Clarksons.Farm.S05E04.Updating.AMZN.WEB.H264-EDITH.en-gb[cc]

[soft music playing]

[beeping]

[dial up Internet beeping]

["Crystal Blue Persuasion"
by Tommy James and The Shondells playing]

[Jeremy] It was now late February
and winter was very much in retreat.

[music continues playing]

[Jeremy] Soon,
we would be planting the spring crops

with my new hi-tech equipment.

But there was plenty
to keep us busy till then.

[bleating]

First of all,
we had to send some of our sheep

on their journey
to the kitchen at the pub,

along with the latest batch of pigs.

[grunting]

[truck beeping]

These were our original Mules.

Remember the North Country Mules
that we had from day one?

These are the ones
that we lambed that first...

-[Lisa] Is that four years ago?
-[Jeremy] In Covid.

[Jeremy] Come on, sheeps.

[Lisa] Come on girls, up, up, up.
Pssh! Go on. Pssh!

[Kaleb] Do you not find this sad
taking these sheep away?

[Jeremy] No.

Cows and sheep,

I don't like getting rid of them,
I don't like putting them on the lorry.

I don't think any farmer in the world
would enjoy

sending their animals off to be killed,
thinking "they will be dead tonight,"

I don't like that, or the cows,

but I get really emotional
about the pigs.

-Why?
-I just love the pigs.

-You know, you love cows.
-Yeah, yeah.

Well, I love pigs, same as that.
I just love pigs.

I just think the way they taste.

[grunting]

[Jeremy] Once we'd seen
the animals off...

[Jeremy] Bye, weaners.

[Jeremy] I headed over
to The Farmer's Dog,

which was closed for a couple of days

so that some essential work
could be done.

Now what I'm hoping to see here
is a forest of white vans

and workmen doing jobs, and I'm... Yes!

[Jeremy] Inside, the kitchen
was getting a new non-slip floor.

-[Jeremy] Gentlemen.
-Hello, Jeremy.

[Jeremy] It's a festival of arse cracks
in here today.

[man laughing]

[Jeremy] And the electricians
were trying once again

to fix the belligerent power supply.

-[Jeremy] Are we having a new board?
-[electrician] Yes.

-And no more flickering lights?
-[electrician] Erm... Fingers crossed.

-No, no, don't say that, please.
-[electrician laughing]

[soft rock music playing]

[Jeremy] All of this work
was being overseen by Alan,

who was back in the saddle
after his major heart surgery.

[Alan] It's been a long time!
Yeah, I'm back, mate!

-[Jeremy] Alan! You're back!
-That's a bit of a man hug, innit?

-Look at you, you're like Jon Bon Jovi.
-I have lost a bit, yeah.

Jesus. That's a lot of timber gone.

I know. A lot of fruit.

And how is it? Painful?

Very. I don't wanna show you on camera
but it's a nasty cut.

-Down there?
-Yeah.

-That was four--- a quadruple?
-Quadruple. One had collapsed,

and curled itself up,

and the other four,
they were about 85 to 90% blocked.

Horrible.

Are you feeling all right?

Yeah,
I had a bit of a problem with the lungs.

I lost 36% of the lungs,
all MDF dust and shit.

-That's 'cause you never wear a mask.
-None of us do, do we?

That's the trouble.
We didn't know back in the '80s, '90s.

-Not like we do now.
-No.

-You still don't wear a mask.
-No.

-[both laughing]
-[Alan] Yeah, I know.

-So your lungs are buggered...
-36%.

But they've mended your heart now?

-[Alan] Yeah, they was brilliant.
-When I came in for my heart thing,

you were two rooms along.

Yeah, next door. I knew you was there.

I'm on that "Muntjac" drug,
you know the anti-fat one?

-Yeah, yeah.
-They put me on that.

And what,
are you taking it or injecting it?

-[Jeremy] You inject it once a week.
-Yeah, yeah.

I got that as well.
It's only a little baby needle, ain't it?

Yeah, tiny. You don't even feel it.

Yeah, it's good.
That suppresses your appetite.

Yeah, 'cause my cholesterol's
what caused mine, so.

Yeah, yeah, that's a blockage, yeah.

Hello and welcome
to old-people television.

[Alan laughing]

You might be young right now
watching this thinking,

"Well, look at these two old..."
One day...

It'll come round
and kick you in the balls, won't it?

[Jeremy chuckling]

[soft rock music playing]

[Jeremy] The next day,
there was more to do at the farm,

because we'd had
some interesting new arrivals.

We'll take this round to where they are.

-[Lisa and Kaleb] Yeah.
-Try and get them in it.

-Hmm... Really?
-Yeah.

How else are you gonna... It's easier
to transport them in their house.

So let's take the staircase out then.

[Jeremy] This is gonna be awkward.

[Kaleb] He's gonna fuck this up,
ain't he?

He can do that now, can't he? Yeah. Ooh!

[Jeremy] Oh, shit!

[tractor beeping]

[grunting]

It's fine.

-[Lisa] I don't know how.
-[Jeremy] Thank God for that.

[rock music playing]

[Jeremy] The occupants of the new house

had been a present
from my eldest daughter.

Ten guinea fowl,

who'd made the barn
where we'd been keeping them smell...

absolutely unbelievable.

Have you got food?

They are... Ugh!

[laughing]

[Lisa] It's so bad.

[Kaleb] Fucking... It reeks. It is vile.

[Jeremy] Right.
Ugh, God, I'm gagging already.

Let me get in then. I'll catch them
and pass them to you, yeah?

[Lisa] Yeah, perfect.

[Lisa] There we go. Yep.

[Jeremy] You've got a new house!

Hello, little fella!

[guinea fowl cackling]

[Lisa] That's it.

-[Jeremy] Is that finished?
-[Lisa] Yeah. Well done.

[Jeremy] Well done. That's a great job.

[Jeremy] Before moving the birds down
to their new home in a nearby copse,

there was a small Diddly Squat
celebration to take care of.

[lighter flicks]

-[Jeremy] G-Dog!
-[Gerald] Hello, Jeremy!

[Jeremy] Here you go, birthday boy.

[Gerald] This is lovely.

[Jeremy] Well, it will be
if I can get it lit. Hang on.

[Jeremy laughing]

We bought candles
that literally will not light.

-Gerald, I'm so sorry for this.
-I know.

[lighter flicks]

-[Kaleb] How old are you today?
-[Gerald] 78.

-[Kaleb] We got you, erm, a stripper.
-[Gerald] Oh!

[Jeremy] Yeah, he'll be here in a minute.

[Gerald and Kaleb laughing]

[Lisa] Ready? And blow that out.

-There we go. Perfect.
-[Jeremy] Happy birthday.

[Charlie] Happy birthday, Gerald.

-[Gerald] Happy birthday, guys.
-[Lisa] Happy birthday, G-Dog.

Erm... do you know anything
about guinea fowl, Gerald?

Well, they get the wattles,

then when you're out at night,
they just... [speaking indistinctly]

So I just think they're all cock birds.

Fine to start with,
mental they go after one another.

And the comb.
But every one of 'em had it.

One of them big long 'uns.

It looked so sad, "ah-ah-ah".

[Gerald chuckling]

We've been told to keep them
in that box for five days.

Yeah, that one... [speaking indistinctly]

You get all of them, and then, my Christ,

you'll hear 'em
down the village no trouble.

What it's doing now is... raining on us.

Yeah.

[Jeremy] Do we leave the door
of the house open?

Or close them?

Well, I think we should...
They're escaping.

[Jeremy] No, they're not in there now,
they're in here.

-Well, there's that one there.
-[Jeremy] What?

There's one on the lamp.

[Jeremy] Oh shit,
we haven't got them all.

-[Kaleb] There's one more!
-[Charlie] There's two in there.

-[Jeremy] What?
-[Charlie] There are two in there.

[Jeremy] Can you two not count?
You morons.

-[Kaleb chuckling]
-[bird cackling]

[soft rock music playing]

[Jeremy] Once the missing two
had been loaded,

I gingerly set off to the copse.

[Jeremy] Oh, bloody hell.

Whoa, God, this is so bloody slippery.

Ugh! No!

[Jeremy] And on the way,
I got a bit of a shock.

What's that sheep doing in the...

It's had a lamb!

Look!

The sheep has got a placenta hanging out
of its arse. This is just born.

Hang on.

This is...

This is odd because these are not
the EasyCare sheep,

which we know are pregnant,

these are DifficultCare sheep

which are supposed
to be turned into mutton at the pub.

They're not supposed to be pregnant.

I mean, how have you got pregnant?

[lamb bleating]

How is this... Kaleb?

[Lisa] Oh, look.

[Lisa] Yeah, but the weird thing is,
where has the ram come from?

[Jeremy] Exactly!

[bleating]

[Jeremy] To try and get
to the bottom of this mystery,

I called Jeremy, our shepherd.

[shepherd over the phone]
It's a bit bizarre.

The only thing I can imagine is that
before the lambs were weaned off,

he's still had his balls
and he's got across them.

[Lisa] Ooh...

[Jeremy] But what we've got
is incest going on here.

[shepherd over the phone] You've got
incest and you've got... Yeah.

[Jeremy] There is another possibility
we ought to consider:

virgin birth.

It's been documented
as something that can occur.

[shepherd laughing over the phone]
I very much doubt it.

That's Jesus.

Well, he did a human last time.

We've been expecting the Second Coming,
haven't we?

Who ever said it was going to be a human?
It could be a sheep.

That could be Jesus.

I'm telling you,
that lamb is called Jesus

and we are keeping that sheep.

-[Lisa] No, we're not.
-We bloody are.

-[Kaleb] We are not.
-You're not gonna butcher Jesus.

It's not fucking Jesus.
That sheep is going.

It is Jesus.

It's gonna rear that lamb
and then it's gonna go for mutton.

Then it's gonna come back, you're gonna
eat it and then complain about heartburn.

-We're gonna eat the Virgin Mary?
-Yes, you are.

-That's the Virgin Mary!
-It's not!

[soft rock music]

[Jeremy] After this, the two wise men
and one wise woman

took the guinea fowl
to their new woodland lodgings.

-[Jeremy] There?
-[Lisa] Yeah, lovely.

[Lisa] That looks pretty good.

[Jeremy] They have to be in there now
for five days.

[Lisa] Yeah.

[Jeremy] So that they know what home is.

[Kaleb] Okay.

[Jeremy] They're looking
a bit discombobulated.

[Lisa] I'm not surprised.

[Jeremy] Well, they've had
a bit of an exciting afternoon.

[rock music]

[Jeremy] With Alan's refurb work
complete,

the pub was now open again.

And while I was over there,
His Cheerfulness asked for a meeting

as he'd worked out our trading results

for the first four months.

Jeremy.

-[Jeremy] Hey, Charlie, how are you?
-[Charlie] Hello. All right, thanks.

Here you are. I thought I had two copies.
I did. I've...

[Jeremy scoffing]

-I've just gone down to the bottom.
-[Charlie] Yes.

"Profit before taxation",
which gives me hope.

-[Charlie] Yes.
-"Minus", "minus", "minus",

"minus £8,486".

Yeah...

-[Charlie] So...
-That's the headline figure.

-We're losing money.
-Well, I...

You are, overall.

-We're fully booked everyday.
-[Charlie] Yep.

Couldn't get any more people in
if we tried.

You know, I'm stumped.

We've got people coming
and we're losing money.

And it's partly...

the success
that's causing the additional cost,

because the infrastructure of the pub
can't cope.

We're having to clean out
the cesspit twice a week,

we're having to do
the grease extraction twice a week

because it was built for a pub
that did as many covers in a month,

really.

Parking attendants, you know,

to try and make sure
that we didn't have chaos on the A40.

You know, we have this fleet
of parking attendants.

No, I know, that's £47,000 a month
in paying parking people.

-I just think that's probably...
-So, okay.

'Cause the costs are what they are,
aren't they?

We are successful, I mean,
in as much as a lot of people come.

So you do have
to empty the cesspit a lot,

you do have
to clean the extractors out quite a lot,

we do have to worry about the parking
otherwise the council will go crazy,

-so we know we have these costs.
-Yeah.

So another thing I thought,
which is controversial,

is putting prices up.

Well, I've actually gone
to the trouble of having a survey

of all the other pubs in the area done.

So if you take a starter, right,
meat and bread.

[Charlie] Yeah.

So we've got chicken liver parfait
and sourdough, okay?

[Charlie] Yeah.

We're cheaper
than any other pub in the area.

-We're £9.50.
-Yeah.

All the others are around £12, £12.50.

£15 at The Bull in Charlbury.

[Jeremy] A steak pie...

-Yeah.
-We're the cheapest.

-[Charlie stuttering]
-We are fundamentally cheaper.

Now... this is the interesting thing.

If you actually look at the news coverage
this place gets,

and there's a fair bit of it...

Yeah.

This is from The Express, okay?

"Disgruntled punters have been moaning
about the prices of the meals on offer.

If you want to dine on steak,
carrot, mash and cabbage at the pub,

it'll cost you 28 quid."

So, every newspaper,

every single time this pub is mentioned,

they all say the same thing:
"this pub is expensive."

-Now, the fact is, we're cheaper.
-Yep.

So here we are
with a totally unfounded reputation

in The Mirror, The Mail,
The Express and all of the newspapers

-that we're expensive, when we're not.
-Yeah.

Bearing in mind our ingredients are
costing more than all these other pubs.

[Charlie] Yeah.

You know, we're paying more
for the food than any other pub

and charging less.

So we have to put the prices up.

And I think we can put the prices up

to what people think
we're charging anyway.

[Charlie] Yeah. Okay.

[Jeremy sighing] Shit...

I'm sure we'll turn it round.

-But we've gotta get a fair return.
-Why did you let me buy a pub?

-I tried not to.
-I know you did.

So I now have two loss-making businesses.

I shall buy a cinema next.

[folk music]

[Jeremy] And then, just when I thought

things couldn't get
more financially bleak,

David the butcher asked for a meeting

to talk about my rare-breed
Sandy and Black pigs.

Oh, look at the face. Oh, he's got...

[David] Well, I'll take that off
so you don't have to look at it any more.

I just...

[Jeremy] That doesn't make it better!

What are you making? Bacon? Or just...?

Erm, in complete truth,

we can't do much with these
apart from sausages.

-Oh shit, really?
-Yeah.

[David] I'll show you what I mean.

If you came into the counter

and we kind of gave you that,

I don't think you'd be too happy.

You'd cook it off and it's just like
cooking a load of fat, you see.

-[Jeremy] Is this yours?
-Yeah. That's what we're looking for.

It's much bigger in comparison.

But the fat that's going through that
'cause of the breed,

it's just too much.

I mean, I can see the problem.

I'm not going to... Obviously,
well, I couldn't argue with you anyway

'cause you guys are butchers and I'm not,

but I can straight away see

that this is, you know,
primarily fat, isn't it?

[David] Yes.

-Is that a characteristic of this breed?
-[David] Yeah.

Which is why it became a rare breed
'cause people would rather eat that?

[David] Yes.

[Jeremy] That's got more meat on it.

[Jeremy] Ugh...

All that effort and we've got sausages.

Very nice sausages I might add.

Yeah, no, delicious I'm sure. Erm, yeah.

Very expensive sausages...

to produce.

It's loss-making then that really,
isn't it?

Shit.

-It is a tough game, pig farming.
-Yeah.

Still, look at it this way,
at least the pub's losing money.

[soft music]

[Jeremy] That had been a bad day.

But the following morning,
things looked rosier...

[tense music]

As my high-tech,
driverless tractor had arrived.

[tense music continues]

[Jeremy] My God,
what a fantastic-looking thing this is.

The AgBot.

I mean,
it was quite fun seeing it in the NEC,

but seeing it on a farm

is when you realise just how...

fantastically futuristic it is.

-[Jeremy] It's Dutch, isn't it?
-[Will] Yeah, built in Holland.

Diesel engine, generator,
two electric motors.

Right, so the diesel engine
powers the generator.

And that then powers
the two electric motors.

Oh, so, okay,
like a modern-day Royal Navy Destroyer.

Highly efficient.
Don't lose any power in the drivetrain.

[intense music]

[Jeremy] Will, who'd first shown me
the AgBot at LAMMA,

then explained
how it was able to operate on its own

in a world full of rules and lawsuits.

The first thing is two GPS receivers.

So one does the primary navigation,
one checks.

[Jeremy] 'Cause what is
the satellite in cars now?

-They're accurate to within...?
-[Will] A couple of metres.

-A couple of metres?
-[Will] Yeah.

-So this is to within...
-Two centimetres.

Just under an inch
in old-fashioned money.

[Will] Next, on the top,
the little blue-coloured dome,

a rotating laser beam,
for want of a better description.

-[Jeremy] OK.
-Scans 30 metres around the AgBot.

-Oh, if it detects a...
-If it detects something,

it will begin to slow down, and stop.

So our dogs, for example, which are not
the most well-trained dogs in the world,

if the dog were to run in front of it,
it would stop?

It'll slow down and stop, yeah.

If all that fails, if we touch that,

the machine will stop dead in the field.

So it's a great many safety features?

[Will] Multiple layers
of functional safety, yes.

[Jeremy] Despite
all this "Terminator"-style independence,

the AgBot can be driven by a human.

[engine starting]

But for that,
you need a gaming controller.

To take the break off,
one click this way.

Okay? That's it.

So now the machine is live.

Forward.

[engine whirring]

[tense music]

[Will] Left and right is on this one.

Oh my God, this is so...

[Will] This is like the remote-controlled
toy you always wanted.

[tense music continues]

[Jeremy] See, all those years
on Call of Duty...

[Jeremy] Even better,

Will told me that a job
I'd never mastered in five years,

hitching things to the back of a tractor,

would now be a doddle.

Right.

-[tractor beeping]
-[Will] Nearly there!

[Will] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Yeah, we're there.

[Will] Just go forward a little tiny bit.

[tractor beeping]

-There you go.
-[screaming with joy] I did a thing!

I actually hooked a thing in!

-[Will] There you go.
-I've done a whole thing!

-Well done, proper job.
-Me, I did that!

[Jeremy] Oh, this is
properly raining now.

[Will] Should we retire to the office
for five minutes?

[Jeremy] Yeah, I think we need a cup
of coffee to have a think about this.

It's at times like this you actually
do need a tractor with a cab to be in.

That is the drawback I've just uncovered!

[Jeremy] While we sheltered
from the rain,

Will showed me a bit
of ground he'd already mapped out

so the AgBot could do a test run.

So we've gotta tell it
where to start, where to stop.

[Jeremy] OK.

This is where it gets very exciting.
You'll like this.

[Will] "Calculate route".

Ta-da!

-[Jeremy] Route calculated successfully.
-Look at that, there it is.

And we can see...

[Jeremy] Oh, so how many passes
it's going to do.

And look, you can see what it's gonna do,
where it's gonna turn.

We've got a nice light-bulb turn there.

-My God, it's worked out where to turn.
-It's worked out where to turn.

It needs to do a three-point turn.
Where it's orange, it's going in reverse.

[Jeremy] Amazing.

-This is communicating with the machine?
-Correct.

'Cause this is what...
I have this thing about driverless cars

which are all the rage
in the world of motoring.

-Yeah.
-So you need to go and get groceries.

So you get your car to go into town,

which it can do, negotiate roundabouts,
negotiate traffic lights,

find a parking space and park in it.

But then what?

It can't go into the shop
and get the groceries.

You have to go with it.

-And if you go with it...
-[both] You may as well drive it.

Yeah. It's not difficult to drive a car.
It's not tiring.

So they're pointless.

But this, I can set that going,

I know I've got three and a half hours
to go and do something else.

[Will] Absolutely.

This is where
autonomous driving really makes sense.

[rock music]

[Jeremy] After the rain had stopped,
we climbed into the Range Rover

and from the passenger seat,
I piloted the AgBot to the test area.

[Jeremy] Here we go. So, implement up.

[Jeremy] Okay, and handbrake off.

[Jeremy] No way!

Holy mother of God.

[Jeremy] That is fantastic!

[rock music continues]

[Jeremy] However, while the AgBot
was chugging along nicely...

[Jeremy] Oh, yeah!

[Jeremy] Us two in the cheap seats
were struggling a bit.

[Will] Stuck.

[Jeremy] Ah...

[Jeremy] Hang on.

I've had a great idea.

[Will] What have we got?

-Ready?
-[Will] Yeah, we're good to go.

-[Will] Steady as we go.
-Taking up the slack.

[tractor engine whirring]

-[Jeremy] Oh, you're having a laugh!
-[Will] Okay.

[upbeat music]

[Will chuckling]

Has anyone in the world
ever towed themselves out,

while driving the vehicle
that's doing the towing?

[Jeremy] Thanks to the AgBot,
we eventually reached the field...

[metal clanking]

[Jeremy] Where it could get on
with its day job.

Press and hold button one.

[Jeremy] Auto guiding.

-[Will] It's now driving itself.
-It is.

-It's hunting for its start point.
-It's hunting for its start point, yep.

[Jeremy] Like a dog.

[Jeremy] It's just... I'm not turning,
I'm not turning that.

I am not turning.

[Will] It's at its start point.

Press and hold button two. OK.

[Will] And it's going. That's it.

[melancholic music]

[Jeremy] Wow.

[melancholic music continues]

-[Jeremy] Oh, it's turning, it's turning.
-[Will] Here it comes.

It's turning.

[Jeremy] OK, it's done it.

That's sold itself to me
a thousand times over.

This is quite unbelievable to me.

You think you're driving
in a straight line but then you look up,

you see a bird,
the phone rings, you hit a bump,

and you're off it.

That is perfection. Look at it.

To the centimetre.

[melancholic music continues]

[Jeremy] The only thing the AgBot
couldn't do anything about

was the weather,

which had made the field
too wet to cultivate properly.

But for now, it had proved its point.

[Jeremy] Let's just stop it now.

It's like...

It's almost like if you'd have arrived
at the Battle of Hastings

with a Harrier Jump Jet

is how I'm feeling with that now. It's...

Bloody hell!

[soft music]

[Jeremy] While we waited
for the soil to dry out,

there were other jobs to do,

like releasing the guinea fowl...

[Lisa] The time has come.

[Jeremy] Who had now completed
their five-day settling-in period.

[Jeremy] We let them out,
but in a very narrow, prescribed area,

-which is this half of the wood.
-[Lisa] Yeah.

[Jeremy] And the thing about guinea fowl
is if Mr Fox comes,

they'll just scuttle up a tree
and Mr Fox can't do that.

[Lisa gagging]

[Jeremy] Come on, guinea fowl. Freedom!

-[Jeremy] Look, here we are.
-[Lisa] Oh yeah.

-[Jeremy] Look at their little faces.
-[Lisa laughing]

-[Lisa] One of them's gonna go
and they're all gonna go.

[Jeremy] Yeah, I know.

You can see that they're trying
to pluck up courage.

It's like when I was seven
on a diving board at the swimming pool.

Yes, yes.

[Jeremy] "Oh, I can't."
And you know you're gonna do it.

And you're just like, "Oh, I can't."

'Cause in Doncaster, no one could swim.

That's why I got on the swimming team
in Doncaster,

'cause I was the only person
that didn't drown in water.

Oh, he's gone! He's gone.

-He actually fell out, if I'm honest.
-[Lisa] Yeah.

That was on the diving board
being pushed.

Oh, now they're all coming. Yeah, look.

Oh, that's fantastic. Now they can see.

[birds cackling softly]

[Jeremy] Oh, that really makes me happy.

[birds cackling loudly]

That actually... That is hurting a pitch.

There's a pitch in that
that's hurting my ear.

Our bedroom is there.

That's the soundtrack
of our lives from now on.

I bought my two-year-old granddaughter...

Well, I went into the shop at Christmas,

said, "Could I have
the noisiest toys you have?"

'Cause I knew it would annoy my daughter,

and she's repaid me with the nosiest
farmyard animals that you can get.

[birds cackling loudly]

[Jeremy] Christ Almighty, they're loud!

[cackling fading out]

[cackling fading in]

[Jeremy] Try as they might,

the guinea fowl didn't get
to spoil our weekend lie-in, though,

because we'd already been dragged out
of bed by something of an emergency.

[tone ringing]

-[Charlie over the phone] Hello?
-[Jeremy] Hi, Charlie?

[Charlie over the phone] Hello.

We have a problem.

-Erm...
-[Charlie] OK.

About a hundred...
Well, more than a hundred...

[sighing] What's the word?
"Travelling people",

have arrived
at the pub car park and set up shop.

[car horns beeping]

[Charlie over the phone]
A hundred what? Vehicles?

I haven't gone over there,
I just think I'd make things worse,

a lot.

And they've got horses.

Erm...

[stuttering] An enormous number.

[Charlie over the phone]
So, have they come to camp? I mean...

[Jeremy] I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I haven't been over there.
But, I mean, one of our...

Erm, you know Ben the cameraman?

-[Charlie] Yeah.
-He went over

and was invited to,
forgive the language, fuck off.

-He was just...
-[Charlie] He's not small.

No, he's a big lad.

[Charlie] So now, we need to know
what their objectives are.

-Are they gonna stay?
-Don't know.

-[Charlie] Or are they going to go?
-I don't know.

-[Lisa] Whoa. Where are you going?
-I've got to get over there.

-[Lisa] Where?
-The pub!

-[Lisa] You're not going to the pub.
-It's chaos.

[Lisa] You are not a diplomat
and you have a dicky heart. Out.

-But...
-[Lisa] You're not going, Jeremy.

[Lisa] Come on, let's go.
Park that car back there now.

[Jeremy] Fortunately,
Ben the cameraman refused

the travellers' kind invitation
to "eff off"

and managed to keep filming
with his camera and drone.

[indistinct conversation]

[Jeremy] And it soon became apparent

the travellers were using our car park
as a base

for some kind
of horse-and-buggy-racing event

on the nearby dual carriageway.

[hooves clacking]

There are very old by-laws.

You are allowed
to exercise your horse on the road.

So they're totally allowed to do
what they're doing here today.

The police are all over it.
They can't stop them.

In terms of The Farmer's Dog
pub and site,

our customers, nobody can get in,
it's completely blocked.

[tense music]

[Jeremy] This meant we had no choice
but to sit on our hands and wait.

[hooves clacking]

[tense music continues]

[clacking accelerates]

[car horn beeping]

[Jeremy] Four hours later though,

they finished up, went on their way

and we could finally get the pub open.

[Jeremy] They haven't left much litter,
which I was worried about.

[Annie] We've done a litter pick.

-[Jeremy] Oh, have you?
-[Annie] They came.

[Jeremy] Just cans and stuff?

Oh no, syringes.

They obviously inject the horses.

-I'm not an expert but...
-Syringes?

-Yeah.
-[Jeremy] Shit.

[Annie] I know.
And they've given me this.

It's for your padlock
and the rubbish that they left.

-And they hope that...
-[Jeremy] £150?

[Annie] Yeah.

-So they break in...
-Yeah.

And then pay for the damage.

Well, this is something.
Yeah, own a pub, it'll be fun.

I have to say...

And then have problems
like this to deal with.

Never expected this one.

[rock music]

[Jeremy] A couple of days later,
with the fields drying nicely,

we could at last get cracking

with our new hi-tech
crop-planting programme.

[Will] Right, ranging pole.

This will talk to this and we'll record
the points as we go around the field.

[Jeremy] Job one involved
AgBot Will and I mapping the fields

so that the AgBot's GPS system
would know where it was.

-[Jeremy] "Save this point".
-[Will] "Save", yeah, perfect.

-[Will] So now we go to the next point.
-[Jeremy] OK.

If we're staying in line with the hedge,
this is straight.

[Will] Yep.

Let's save that, shall we?

[Jeremy] "Save".

Right, Spitaways is mapped.

[Jeremy] While we were inputting
all the data into the AgBot's brain...

-[Jeremy] Is that... Oh, there it is.
-[Will] Yeah.

-Oh wow, that's what we did.
-That's what we walked, yeah.

[Jeremy] Jacob the Dutch potato farmer
was out in our fields,

taking underground readings

so we'd know where the soil was good

and where it wasn't.

[tense music]

Jacob can look down
into the centre of the earth.

-[Charlie] Yeah.
-Like an echo sounder in a submarine.

Something like that, yes.

[Jeremy] As he'd explained in Holland,

red denoted the rich areas of soil

and dark blue the weaker patches.

And with this information,

we could now do targeted seed planting.

[Jeremy] If we get the AgBot, okay,

and we say,
when you're going over this red bit,

pummel the ground,
you know, like machine-gun fire.

When you're going over this blue bit...

-[Charlie] Yeah.
-[Jeremy] It changes the rate...

-Seed rate.
-At which it's planting.

[Charlie] So if...

I already made a map for the AgBot,
so you could drill variable. I made it.

[Jeremy] And it wasn't just
variable-rate seed planting.

With this new information,

we could now fertilise the field
more efficiently

by doing targeted muck spreading.

And as a bonus,

we had a mountain
of rather special muck ready to go.

That's not cow muck.

Bet you can't guess what animal
that came out of the back of.

[Jeremy] No, I'm afraid you're wrong.

[soft folk music]

It actually came out of these guys.

They live about ten miles away
from Diddly Squat

at a local tourist attraction.

[soft folk music continues]

[Jeremy] Here we are.

The Cotswold Wildlife Park.

[Jeremy] And last year,
Reggie the owner had said he'd be happy

for us to help ourselves to everything
that came out of their bottoms.

[Reggie] I've always felt
that this is quite special stuff

because actually
they got a very short stomach, rhinos,

and so it's very fibrous,
it's full of nutritional material.

-It's much better than cow dung.
-[Jeremy] Oh, is it?

Well, I think so because
cow dung's had much more taken out of it,

because of the second stomach
and all the rest of it,

whereas this stuff is neat,
it even smells quite wholesome and fresh

when it comes out the first time round.

It's just sort of ready to go.

-[Jeremy laughing]
-You're my new favourite person.

[Jeremy] Whilst our trailers
were being loaded,

we said goodbye to the donors

and then there was
a little surprise for Kaleb.

-[Jeremy] See the baby camel there?
-[Kaleb] Yeah.

-[Jeremy] The little six-week-old one?
-[Kaleb] Yeah.

[Jeremy] Just been talking
to one of the people who work here.

You know what they've called it?

-No, what?
-Kaleb.

-Have they actually?
-Yeah, they have.

[Jeremy] 'Cause it's got... It's had
one of your endless hairstyles, it's got.

-[Kaleb chuckling]
-So they said

it looks like Kaleb Cooper
and they named it Kaleb.

-That's made my day!
-You can see its stupid hair.

[Kaleb] It's not stupid,
it's great, look at it!

[Jeremy] That's, yeah...
They named it after you.

Kaleb!

[soft rock music]

[Jeremy] Back in the present,

the dung from this prehistoric animal
was about to be spread

using space-age technology.

-[Jeremy] When it goes over a red bit...
-[Kaleb] It'll put on...

[Jeremy] Less.

[Jeremy] When it goes over a blue bit,
you're putting more on the blue bits.

Technology blows my mind
and I'm 26 years old.

Imagine being
a 60-year-old farmer sat here...

I know, not you. But...

[Jeremy laughing] "Not you."

-But you know what I mean?
-No, I know.

This is because we went over
to Holland for the day.

-Yeah.
-And now look where we are.

Now, look at us.

-[Jeremy] If your yield goes through...
-Through the roof, it's worth doing.

[Jeremy] All we needed now
was for the technology to work.

[soft folk music]

[Jeremy] I know now he's coming up
to a very good bit of soil,

so the amount coming out of the back
should reduce dramatically,

and it has done, look, it has done.

[Jeremy] Look, hardly any.
It's like a fine mist of faeces.

Jeez, I think it's working.

Now look, it's getting thicker again.

This is honestly amazing.

[Kaleb over the radio] On that corner,
it went to 5 tonnes a hectare,

now I'm on 45 tonnes a hectare.

[Jeremy over the radio]
What, you're impressed with it?

Really impressed.

Well, now is the time
to really surprise him.

[Jeremy chuckling]

[Jeremy] While Kaleb carried on
with his mathematical muck spreading...

Band 25 now.

[Jeremy] I went to fetch the AgBot
so it could start cultivating.

[tense music]

[tractor beeping and engine whirring]

[tense music continues]

[Kaleb] What?

[tractor beeping]

When these lights on the top go green,

the AgBot will know which field it's in
and be ready to start work.

[Jeremy screaming] They're green!

I have done a good job!

[Jeremy] Right.

[Kaleb] What the fuck is that?

[Jeremy] The AgBot.

I've made your tractor,
21st century with its new stuff.

This is the 24th century.

I've mapped this field,

I went all the way
round it the other day with a prong,

so it knows the field.

And we're gonna get it
to its start point,

I then go to the pub.

-[Kaleb] It drives itself? You can go?
-Oh, yeah.

And it will cultivate this field.

What about if it blocks up?

It'll ring me.

What happens if it snaps a tine?

[Jeremy] You wouldn't know that
even if you... Stop being negative.

No, you would. I'd just look behind
as I'm driving up and down the field.

Come on, admit it, this is superb.
It's Dutch.

And I don't have to pay you
to cultivate the field.

-[Kaleb] That's basically taking my job.
-It has.

[Kaleb] Where's it gonna start then?

[Jeremy] It should start
where you've been muck spreading.

And it will do the steering
to find its start point.

[Kaleb] Go on then, set it going.
It's not gonna work.

-[Jeremy] I will.
-It won't.

[engine whirring]

[Jeremy] It should be turning left
any minute now, which I'm not doing.

[Jeremy] Oh, yeah...

[Jeremy chuckling] Yes!

[Jeremy] Look at that!

[Kaleb] Is it gonna drop it in then?
Hang on, it's...

[Jeremy screaming] Yay!

Behold my technology at work.

[soft music]

That is the Starship Enterprise
of farming.

[soft music continues]

[engine whirring and crashing]

-[Jeremy] Oh, he's stopped.
-[Kaleb] That went well.

[Jeremy] Shit.

"Error detected: Localisation.

Joy lift, hitch tor link fold-off."

What the fuck is all that?
That's far too...

[Jeremy] Fortunately,
AgBot Will was on hand.

-[Will] Press and hold button two.
-[Jeremy] We get it off the handbrake.

Let go of Two. Press the Pause button.

[Jeremy] Please...

-[engine stopping]
-[Jeremy] And it's stopped again.

[Kaleb] Oh, this is a great day
to be alive!

-You're doing a great job cultivating.
-[Jeremy] No, ignore him.

[Kaleb chuckling]

[Jeremy] What does "NovAtel
messages are too late" mean on it?

[Will] It's not picking
the GPS receiver up.

For whatever reason,
the message is delayed.

[Jeremy] It's not reading the satellite?

[Will] Not reading
the satellite quick enough.

[Jeremy] Oh, fuck's sake.

[Kaleb] I'm gonna get in the tractor
and start it up and it's gonna work.

-[Jeremy] Just ignore him, he'll go away.
-[Will] OK.

[Kaleb] Listen!

[engine starting]

[Will] So it's scanning round
to look at its environment.

-[Will] Then when it's happy, it'll go.
-[Jeremy] There, green.

[Will] Press and hold button two.
One click.

[Will] Press the Pause button.

[Jeremy] Come on...

Please, come on.
Please, please. Please work.

Yes!

-[engine stops]
-[Jeremy] Oh.

[Jeremy] And it's stopped again.
For fuck's sake.

-[horn tooting]
-[Jeremy whispering] Fucking hell...

[Kaleb laughing]

Are you all ready
for your autonomous cars? Hope so.

[Jeremy] I'm not.

[Jeremy] So are the factory
in Holland are now...

-They are looking at that.
-[Jeremy] This is the problem.

If it has an app, it won't work.

Yeah.

[Jeremy] If anyone can remotely
access something, it won't work.

[horn tooting]

Looks like it's going well over there.

[Jeremy] What is the factory saying now?

[Will] Boot up.

[Jeremy] Finally,
we were ready for another attempt.

[Jeremy] Right.

Cultivator's gone down.
I'm not doing that.

Weight boxes going down.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.

Come on.

Yes.

[Jeremy softly] Yes! Yes!

Come on!

Come on, little fella!

Doing it!

[soft epic music]

[Jeremy] When the AgBot
finished its first pass

and turned to do its second,

I knew we were in business.

[epic music intensifies]

Ha!

[laughing]

[Jeremy] Even Kaleb
was absolutely bowled over.

-[Jeremy] Is it doing a good job?
-[Kaleb] Yeah, it's all right.

[Jeremy] And that's it.

And I can go and get on with another job.

[soft folk music]

[Jeremy] Sadly,
it was a job I was dreading.

Because ever since
David the butcher had shown me

what a small amount of meat
my pigs were producing,

I'd known there was only one option.

I love the pigs. I have absolutely...

I've just been delighted with every day
I'm down there.

They make my heart sing.

I'm so happy with them.

-But we're running a business here.
-[Charlie] Yeah.

And they make no financial sense at all.

[melancholic music]

[Jeremy] And so, over the next few days,

we'd be saying goodbye to all of them.

[Jeremy] Hello, weaners.

[pigs grunting]

[Jeremy chuckling] You are funny.

I mean, they're going off anyway.
They're...

It's time for them to be...

[hesitating] Moved on.

[Jeremy] The difference
this time though is that

there'd be no new piglets
to replace them.

[Jeremy] These are all
the Swizz and Clumsy's.

-[Jeremy] These are the last of the boys.
-[Jess] That's it.

[Jess] There you go. Go on.

[pigs squeaking]

They had a good life, didn't they?

[Jeremy] Yeah, a not very long life.

[Jeremy sniffing]

[soft acoustic music]

[Jeremy] It was even harder
to say goodbye to the next group

because it included one of the mothers

from the first batch
we'd bought three years earlier.

[Jeremy] Aw, Surprise...

It was the first pig we had
that gave birth.

[pig grunting]

[Kaleb tutting]

[Jess] Come on.

[Jess] Come on, girl.

Remember, for the better good.

-[Jeremy] What?
-For the better good.

It's still fucking sad.

[pigs grunting and squealing]

[Jess] All good?

[Jeremy] Well, no, not really
'cause of poor old Surprise.

[Jess] As long as you cry once I've left,
I'm not too worried.

I'm not going to cry.

Are you sure?

[Jeremy] All right, thanks, Jess.

-[Jess] No worries.
-Take care of yourself. Safe travels.

-Thanks, Kaleb.
-[Kaleb] See you later, Jess.

[soft melancholic music]

[Jeremy] Finally,
the day came to say goodbye

to the last two original mothers:

Clumsy

and Swizz.

[Jeremy] A lot of happy memories
from them.

[Lisa] Yeah, I know.

[Jeremy] The one bit of good news
in this whole sad saga is that

these two had at least been saved
from the slaughterhouse.

[Jeremy] They're going off
to a farm where...

It's like a school, so children go,
and they go, "These are pigs."

Oh, girls, you'll love it.

[Jeremy] They're going to have a...

They're going to be
headmistresses in a school.

[Jeremy] Yeah, well, they're going off
to be exhibits in a school.

-Are you gonna keep their names?
-[Marc] Yes.

-[Jeremy] Clumsy and Swizz.
-[Marc] Clumsy and Swizz, yeah.

They're going to very good homes.

Well, that's the important thing,
'cause they're brilliant, these two.

[Jeremy] I couldn't really
have handled it

if they'd gone off to be eaten.

You know they've had
four batches of piglets, Lisa?

Do you know how many
they've had in total between them?

[Lisa] No.

[Jeremy] Four lots, yeah?
70 pigs have survived.

-70?
-[Jeremy] 70.

-Good girls.
-[Jeremy] That's pretty good, actually.

[Lisa] Oh, look. Here we go.

[Jeremy] You are dealing
with Clumsy there.

[Jeremy] Oh, well done, Lisa.

[Jeremy] And there's Swizz waiting,
look, patiently.

Hello, Swizz.

Who's a good pig? Who is a good pig?

Who is a good pig?

-We're gonna miss you.
-[pig grunting]

We're gonna miss you.

[Jeremy] Come on, Swizz.

Come on.

-[Lisa] There we go. Here we go.
-[Jeremy] In you go.

Come on.

Come on.

All right, Marc. Safe travels.

[Marc] Yeah, no worries.
Thank you very much.

-Thank you.
-Thank you, thanks a lot.

[engine starting]

-[Jeremy sniffing]
-Well done. You gave them a great life.

Oh...

There, there.

There...

["Father and Son" by Cat Stevens playing]

[Jeremy] Come on, piggies!
Welcome to Diddly Squat.

Ooh!

You're so cute!

[Jeremy] Aren't they just the best?

♪ It's not time to make a change ♪

♪ Just relax, take it easy ♪

[Jeremy] Uh-oh.
The sow is now going to join Lisa.

[Lisa] Jeremy!

[laughing]

Who's gonna look after them?

Me!

You're having sex, lovely romantic.
He's Barry White.

[Lisa] Get the biscuits, darling.
Get the biscuits!

[Jeremy] But which one for?

What the bloody hell's that?

[Jeremy] Has one of the pigs
been sick in my pocket?

-When you're not here?
-Kaleb.

[Kaleb screaming] Ow, ow, ow!

[Kaleb screaming]

Put a new fence along there and up,
which is easily done, yes?

Hey.

[Kaleb shouting]

[music continues playing]

[Lisa] Oh, she's on a teat.
Good little one.

[Jeremy] Well done, Mum!

[Jeremy] Ten piggies.

This is the best bit of farming
I've had so far.

♪ I know I have to go ♪

[Jeremy] She's obviously squashing them.

[Lisa] Oh no...

[Lisa crying]

Bye, Baroness.

[Jeremy sniffing] Aw, God.

[Kaleb] I hate to admit this, yes?

Clarkson's Ring, it worked.

[Jeremy] Oh, my God!

[Jeremy] There's loads!

[Jeremy laughing tenderly]

♪ All the times that I've cried ♪

♪ Keepin' all the things I knew inside ♪

[Jeremy] Look how feisty he's become!

That is Richard Hammond
if you spill his pint.

♪ If they were right I'd agree ♪

♪ But it's them they know, not me ♪

It calms her down, look.

♪ And I know that I have to go away ♪

♪ I know I have to go ♪

[tense music]

Apollo Kaleb, this is Houston Control.

Mate, are you logged into my tractor?

Call me "Flight".

The first Dare Food Night
at The Farmer's Dog.

[Charlie] Lamb's brain here.
Stuffed heart?

Have you smelt it?

They make you crazy in the mouth.

[sighing]

-RP33! You found a grant.
-Yeah.

[Jeremy] They pay us
to slow the water down.

[Lisa] That machine is amazing.

[Jeremy] End Game's first child!

[grunting] There's a head.

[Kaleb] It's all yours now, yeah?

[cow mooing]

[soft rock music]