All language subtitles for are-you-being-served-freedownloadvideo.net

Ground floor, perfumery, stationery and
leather goods, waste and haberdashery,

kitchenware and food, going off.

First floor, telecoms, just ready -made
food, just off the side of that, unwell

and cheap. Hurry up, Mr. Harmon, we have
a most important meeting this morning.

Well, they aren't all here yet.

Now. Where would you like the executive
chair placed? At the end of the table or

in the middle?

I shall sit in the middle. Miss
Belfridge will sit at the end and take

minutes. Forward, Warwick.

Coffee all round?

Yes. Come along, Captain Peacock, Miss
Brahms, and you, Spooner.

This is a think -tank meeting and it was
called for 8 .30.

This meeting also includes Mr Humphreys
and Mrs Clocombe. Until they arrive, I

have no intention of discussing
anything.

8 .32, where can they be?

It's not like Mrs. Logan to be late.

Oh, didn't she tell you? She and Mr.
Humphreys went to a party last night. It

was fancy dress.

She never invited me.

No, she thought you were too posh for
it.

What did she go as?

I've no idea.

But I know she got some of her outfit
from bathroom fittings.

Probably went with an old boiler.

Mr. Hart, I strongly disapprove of you
making disparaging remarks about senior

salespersons. Mrs. Clocombe is highly
regarded both by myself and my whole

department. A second, then.

I'm so sorry we're late for the meeting,
but me and Mr.

Humphreys never got home last night.

What happened?

Well, I borrowed my mother's little
three -wheeler. We had to go to this

in Peckham.

And we couldn't go on the bus because it
was fancy dress.

I would never have guessed.

I mean, it was a punk and funk party.

But unfortunately, a gang of hell's
angels found out about it and they

the house.

And we couldn't leave.

So early this morning, Mr. Humphreys
shinned down a drainpipe and ran off to

attract a policeman.

Wouldn't have much trouble dressed like
that.

There wasn't a policeman in sight.

went up to this man. I said, are there
any police round here? He said no and

handed me his wallet.

He first stopped down the street. Well,
I chased him for about half a mile. When

I caught up with him, I was surrounded
by police vans and I had a lot of

explaining to do.

Which is why we're late.

Well, I can't delay this meeting any
longer. I have to see Mr. Grace in a few

minutes. Well, haven't we time to just
change into something from stock? Once

I've heard your ideas, then you may
change.

You were right. I was too hush for it.

What's that?

Oh, that's my mother's CB radio. We've
got another one like this at home so

we can keep in touch with each other.
But I brought it in from the car because

didn't want it to get stolen.

Please

can we

stop this meeting?

Now, very briefly, and to recap, sales
are down to critical level.

We need new ideas to boost them.

Mr. Grace, as you know, was considering
taking time on commercial television,

but the cost was too high.

So we decided to use commercial radio
instead.

Well, I hope you've all done your
homework on this, as I have to place our

collective ideas before Mr.

Grace. So, what have you come up with?

I thought a bargain sale.

That's not very original.

I said I'd thought of it.

Then I thought, I'm not on commission.

So why should I bother racking my brains
to try to prevent something that's

inevitable? Captain Peacock, if this
department goes down, what will you do?

Probably salute.

Oh, see who that is.

Well, Mrs. Slocum, did you have any time
last night to consider our problem?

Well, no.

I was too busy getting into my gear.

Well, what's the point of coming in
early without any ideas?

You did.

He's on the phone. He wants your ideas
on a radio commercial now.

But I haven't... I mean, we haven't got
any.

Oh! You've got an idea. No, no, no, no.
But I've just thought I ought to ring my

neighbour and ask her to look in on my
pussy.

She's very, very worried because I
wasn't home all last night.

You'll be at home all day with your cat
if this department closes. At the

moment, our very existence depends upon
one good idea.

Well... Oh, for heaven's sake, surely
someone's got an idea.

north way.

There's a little boy in blue receiving
me.

Loud and clear, but I can't talk to you
now because I'm at work. Over and out.

Mr. Houches, your whole lifestyle never
ceases to amaze me.

Who was that?

Well, it's very lonely out on the open
road. You can get in contact with all

kinds of people. This has got a very
long range.

That was an articulated lorry driver.

I thought he spoke well.

Puppet, that is just what I'm looking
for. Well, you'll have to hurry up. He's

heading for Dover.

No, no, no. I mean for our commercial.

We'll do it on CB radio.

And it won't cost anything. I'm sure
it's an idea I can sell to Mr. Grace.

Well done, team.

Come along, Mr. Puppet.

Oh, well, I've got time. I'm going to
Pam's Pantry for a decent cup of coffee.

What is range?

With larger batteries, no, no?

Oh, come on. Let's have a go.

Yes, go on. Let's see who we can find.

Right, then.

There you are. You're on the air.

Oh, what do I say?

Just give him your handle and see what
you get.

Oh, right.

Hello, CB Buffs. Big Bert Spooner here.
If there's anybody out there, come in.

Hello, Mr Spooner.

Could you tell me a bit more about
yourself?

Oh, yeah.

I'm tall, dark and handsome.

And where do you live, Mr Spooner?

Well, baby...

Before I give you the address of my pad
with its low lights and sexy sounds, I'd

like you to give me your handle and a
quick rundown on your vital statistics.

I'm blonde, 5 foot 10, big blue eye, and
weigh 120

pounds.

Just what I'm looking for.

What are you driving?

I'm in a blue Panda police car and I'm
proceeding in the direction of your

voice.

Oh, you're twiddling your thumbs under
the... I do wish you wouldn't interfere

with my equipment. You'll get us
arrested.

Spoil it. Oh, and I never had to go.

Oh, go on.

Oh, yeah, they won't find us now it's
been turned off.

Well, you're on the air.

Hello.

Break up, break up.

Is there anyone out there who wishes to
speak to anyone in here?

What's your chassis like? What's on the
clock?

I beg your pardon?

What she means is, what do you look like
and how old are you? Oh!

Well,

my chassis is 38, 28, 38.

But the MOT's run out!

and he's talking to the oldest punk
rockette in the world.

Oh, shut up. I'm enjoying it.

Are you doing any hobbies?

Oh, yes, and gardening.

Oh, gardening, aye.

And the occasional flutter at the bingo.

Bingo, aye.

Oh, and I make all my own marmalade.

Quite a homebody.

Oh, I am, and I knit all my own jumpers.
Oh, yes, and I've just finished the

bedspread. Lila, should we tell him
about her cat next?

Yes, yes. On the mantelpiece in my
parlour, I've got a whole row of silver

Oh, and what are they for?

Oh, they're for my pussy.

Do you know, it wins a prize every time
I show it.

What's happened?

I think he's pulled off for a coffee.

Congratulations. I hear Mr Grace went
overboard when he heard about you lot

doing your commercial for CB Radio.

That's because it don't cost nothing.

There's a strong rumour in packing that
you're going to do a sort of Mrs Dale

story to attract attention and then pop
into commercial.

Well, we haven't actually decided on a
story yet.

That's what we're trying to work on now.

Well, as I gather you're being offered a
tenner per episode, I thought I'd put

my literary talents at your disposal.

There's one or two stories about this
place I could tell you. I think we can

manage without your help.

There's one particular one about a floor
walker trapped in the lift with a

certain Miss Johnson of novelty candles
that have hitherto been untold.

Well, of course, if we do need your
assistance in any way, we'll of course

you know.

Yes, I thought you might.

Have a nice day.

Who was he talking about?

I have no idea.

And rather than indulge in idle
speculation, I suggest that we

thinking of a subject of general
interest that will attract listener

Yes, sort of English Dallas, full of sex
and intrigue.

A sort of bride -head revisitant. Too
posh.

For you, perhaps.

As far as I'm concerned, there's nothing
wrong with hearing the correct

pronunciation of the English language.

Are you suggesting I'm common?

I'm simply saying that we are a great
nation.

with a great language which is
international.

We have the finest classical writers in
the world, so why don't we do something

like, um, well, Forsyte Saga?

You could always play a skivvy.

He's always saying things to me like
that because he knows I live in a semi

-detached house.

He thinks everyone's common for him.

Oh, of course he doesn't. Will you calm
down? It's no good us arguing amongst

ourselves. I'm sure Captain Peacock
didn't mean to upset you.

And you know, in Upstairs, Downstairs...

Some of the best parts were downstairs.

Why don't we do that? We could all be
downstairs.

Captain Peacock could be upstairs.

I can talk posh if I want to.

And if he keeps going on at me, I shall
finish my dinner at another table.

Lunch. In England, we call it lunch.

Well, England's a great country. You've
cracked it up to be. How come we've all

got inflation and strikes and rain all
the time?

What's so great about England?

I shall tell you what is great about
England, Miss Brahms.

It is the one great country in the world
that isn't semi -detached.

Right, that's it. I'm going to put my
own story in and get that pen out.

Well, if we're not all together on this,
I've got a good idea to do me own as

well. All I need's a title.

How about The Further Adventures of
Corky the Cat?

Right, I'll have my dinner at another
table.

Well, I did have the germ of an idea.

But if we're not all going to...

fool our notion.

I think I shall go to the ladies'
restroom and have a codger tape.

Well, you seem to have lost Barbara
Cartland.

It's not just you and me.

Perhaps not even that many.

I think my army career, particularly the
desert campaign, would make a quite

absorbing story.

which had run to a great number of
episodes.

Oh, I'm sure it would. After all, it's a
long way from a corporal in the pioneer

corps to Brideshead revisited.

I shall go and have my dinner at another
table.

Ah, Peacock, how are the ideas coming?
Thick and fast?

We've elected to make individual
submissions, sir. Oh, excellent.

Well, I'll see you in my office on
Monday at five o 'clock. That will give

Belfridge time to read the submissions.

Miss Belfridge? Of course.

She has an O -level in English
literature, haven't you?

That's right.

Oh.

Not just a pretty face.

Thank you, Steve.

Enjoy your dinner.

Dinner.

Oh, yes, Mr. Grace. I'm sure my
department can do it.

You love the idea.

Oh, good.

Thank you very much.

Enter.

The literary giant sits outside.

Show them in.

Mr. Rumball will see you now. Come on,
ladies.

I must say I'm very impressed with the
general quality of the submissions.

Thank you, sir.

Of course, we only pay on acceptance,
but £10 a time, if the idea takes off,

that could amount to a very considerable
sum.

And in addition, there would be a
performing fee.

How much?

Well, that depends on the size of your
pot.

You should do well.

Ignoring. I am.

Now, Miss Melfridge has evaluated each
story in order of merit. We have some

unsuspected talent in our midst.

Of course, we can only do one story.

Now, we'll start with Mr Spooner.

Miss Melfridge has given you two stars.

Subject matter, good.

Science fiction is always popular. E .T.
and all that sort of thing.

But we found the plot rather far
-fetched.

What's so far -fetched about a
government under the control of a giant

jelly hiding in the directory inquiry
section of the GPO?

Rather flimsy. You ever tried ringing
directory inquiries? They never answer.

Why? Because the jelly's been there so
long, it's set.

Exactly.

Now, Miss France, we don't seem to have
received your submission.

Oh, I've got it here.

It's the story of a common girl who is
rejected by her title suitor because of

her poor background.

That has the ring of truth.

Yes, but she gets her revenge when she
wins the pools, ruins him on the stock

market and reduces him to living in a
semi -detached house in Surbigden.

It's a bit of an anticlimax. But in
episode two, he escapes, joins the

Legion, gets captured and sold as a
slave to a male harem in the Middle

What utter poppycock.

There are no male harems in the Middle
East.

Oh. could make it Watford.

No, no, much too fanciful.

Ah, now, Mrs. Slocum, I must say I found
this quite good.

Oh, it just flowed out of me when I got
started.

Yes.

Continental Journey.

It's the story of an ordinary housewife
who takes up truck driving to augment

her income.

I found some of the adventures with
hitchhikers a bit racy, to say the

Touch of the Harold Robbins.

Ah, but what about the Ian Fleming bit?
When she foils the hijacker who are

about to steal her consignment of
homemade marmalade.

The heroine ought to be at least 30
years younger to make it believable.

She takes a herbal bath on nearly every
page.

A lot of men prefer older women.

I mean, what about that June Collins in
that dinner steak?

Yes, but she doesn't jump out of trucks
at 80 miles an hour with a spanner in

one hand shouting, hand over your smoky
or I'll put the boot in.

No, no. But I...

I think it's worth seven marks.

Oh, now, Mr Humphrey, what style, what
imagination, what originality, what

ingenuity. What's all that blue pencil?
That's the bits we can't use.

What's that?

The title, Nellie the Naughty Nun, and
your name.

Send that to Radio 4. There's nothing in
there that isn't in the dictionary.

Yeah, but not all on the same page.

Well, now we come to Captain Peacock.
And, as one might expect, he's given us

erudite story of Harley life. Thank you,
sir.

Yeah, I'm confident that one can feel
the heat and the flies. One can smell

bazaars. One can share the agony and
ecstasy of the hero's remarkable story

the way he changed the course of world
history.

Brilliant piece of writing.

Thank you, my dear.

But as Miss Belfridge pointed out,
merely copying T .E. Lawrence verbatim

quite what we wanted.

Well, I did make certain changes.

Peacock of Arabia was not quite enough.

Well, look, I've got seven points. So
does that mean I've won?

No, no. We've had a submission which had
all the right ingredients. Sort of Tom

Jones full of adventure and sex and
excitement.

Who wrote that?

Mr Harmon of Packing. You will all be
the stars playing all the parts.

I should co -co.

I'm not doing this stuff when mine's
better.

If my Nellie's not in, I'm out. Me too.

There's a hundred pounds in it.

You're on.

We're all set.

Right, thank you.

That was the costume people.

They want their punk outfits back. We
can't be bothered with that now. I hope

you've got a good idea of your parts. Do
try to turn the pages quietly.

I notice the squire hasn't got much to
say. If you don't wish to be the squire

who is keen on the wenches, then I'll
pay. Mind you, I shall want extra for

character work.

I think I've found the voice for it.

How's this?

Right, young Jim lad.

If I catch you round my little Nell,
I'll horse with you within an inch of

life.

Well, if we had a parrot, we could do
treasure island.

Could you turn it down a little bit? It
wants to be more up a clutch.

Ah.

If I catch you round my little Nell,
I'll horse with you within an inch of

life. I prefer something in the middle,
but never mind.

Now, where's little Nell, the squire's
daughter?

I'm here.

Well,

it's only our voices. They can't see it.
I've been practising and I sound just

like a young, innocent country girl.

An acting feat indeed.

I thought I'd have been better.

No, no, no. You're Busty Sal, the
barmaid, who is in love with Jim.

Who, we find out as our story unfolds,
has got ideas above his station.

Can we get on? It should be my coffee
break.

Yes, right.

Take one.

of the Department of Grace Brothers in
the High Street present for the first

time on CB radio The Adventures of Jim.

O -R -O -R -O -R.

A lusty country boy.

The year is 1642 in the village of
Boddington in the Marsh.

Muddling is rife and behind it the red
-faced Squire Danwell. Played by Stephen

Peacock. Who is also the vicar. Also
played by Stephen Peake.

Jim is the son of a blacksmith. He is
betrothed to Sally Sparks, the busty

barmaid at the Golden Park.

Hello.

But secretly, Jim is having a grandest
scene affair with Simple Nell, the

choir's daughter.

Just a minute, just a minute.

When are we going to start?

When I point to you. I shall have to
turn all this back again.

How much longer are we going to have to
wait?

Well, I have to set the plot.

Can't you abbreviate it? Very well.

So, without further more ado, let's go
back to rural England, where the bad

-tempered squire is leading the hunt.

Hello, I hear a tickle on the ante
-door.

Hello, you hello.

Don't fall off, dear, dear.

Hello, little Nell. Let me hold you in
my arms.

for two pages.

That's when he's out fishing and he
pulls out the big pipe.

Mr. Harmon, cut your coconuts.

Good.

Mr.

Harmon, when I go like that, it means
cut your nuts.

Right?

When I start it up again, you fade them
away gradually into the distance.

Good.

Right, little Mel.

Alone at night.

Give us a hint.

Oh, no.

Someone might see us.

Come into the barn with me.

here on this straw -ear.

Meanwhile, the squire is riding off at
breakneck speed after the cock.

Anyhow, and you... Is this all I say?

Of course it is. You're too busy riding
to say anything else. Now hurry up and

the fox will escape.

Anyhow, and you...

in the hay.

When is it going to be my turn?

Cut!

You should read the directions. This is
where you're supposed to be kissing. Mr.

Harbour, stand by.

Right.

Meanwhile, back at the barn, Jim is
giving Nell a tender, loving kiss.

That is not the noise we're looking for.

No, wouldn't it be better if we just
kissed properly, quite close up to the

Only as a last resort.

What about the squeegee? Oh, that's a
good idea. We'll try that. Right.

Bye. Ready? It was a kiss that went on
forever.

to interrupt. Will you give a signal or
something? I have to keep running this

back. Well, I wouldn't let anybody kiss
me what kissed like that.

Just put both your lips close to the
microphone and do it your way. Ready?

Go.

No pelt of passion rising in her veins.

But alas, she was alone with a man she
loved.

When do I get a go?

You're in the bar at the Golden Pot
pulling the squire

He's popped in for a chat and lost the
fox. We're coming to you in a minute.

Right. Now, whilst over in the dog and
pot, the squire has stopped for a pint,

and he gazes admiringly as busty Sal
bends over to pull a pint.

Telly -ho and view -hello.

That's not the line, you say. It's down
there somewhere.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

You're off your horse now, you see.

You know, it's a good job I'm quick on
this, otherwise there'd be a lot of

editing to do.

Right, now then.

Special effects, pulling the pint. Mr
Harmon, ready, go.

to go to the little girl's room.

Nobody's going anywhere until we've done
all this again. It's not good enough.

What do you mean, do it again?

I have to keep running this back.

Yeah, but that's how you record it. But
this is what we're going to broadcast.

Broadcast? We're connected up to the
outside now.

You mean all that went out on the air?

Up until now.

Anyway, it's my coffee break.

I've just had a call from Mary
Whitehouse. She sounds rather upset.

Listen...

No, this was going out on the air.

All the traffic stopped outside, the
roads blocked with lorries, and the

were all fighting to get into the
building.

What are we going to do?

Leave it to us.

Mr Rumbold, Mr Grace for you.

I don't know where to begin, sir.

Oh,

you can't wait for episode two.

I see.

Yes, slightly risky, I agree, sir, but
my idea does seem to have put us on the

map.

Yes, thank you, sir.

Mr. Gray seems not entirely displeased,
but then he hasn't seen the sort of

customers you appear to have attracted.

Well, I'm not serving a load of rough
lorry drivers.

No, they'll tear the place apart.

Well, someone's got to handle them.
Where's Mrs. Slocum and Mr. Humphreys?

Don't worry. Big bitches and little boy
brew will take care of it.

Roger? I think you're right, Barnabas.
Here, let's go to Aaron's.