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Previously onMom...
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CHRISTY: This is Christy
Plunkett, Roscoe'’s mom.
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00:00:05,831 --> 00:00:07,790
I'’m gonna be keeping
him home today.
4
00:00:07,877 --> 00:00:10,097
No, no, no, um, not sick.
5
00:00:10,184 --> 00:00:12,012
He lost his grandpa.
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00:00:12,099 --> 00:00:15,798
I spoke to Alvin'’s
ex-wife this morning.Yeah?
7
00:00:15,885 --> 00:00:17,887
She doesn'’t want us
to come to the funeral.
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00:00:19,802 --> 00:00:23,066
Alvin and I had our problems,
but just before he died,
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00:00:23,153 --> 00:00:26,548
he came to me and begged me
to take him back.
10
00:00:26,635 --> 00:00:27,505
I can'’t listen
to this.
11
00:00:27,592 --> 00:00:28,506
Get your...
12
00:00:28,593 --> 00:00:29,855
Stay.
13
00:00:31,770 --> 00:00:33,685
He admitted
he'’d made some mistakes.
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00:00:33,772 --> 00:00:35,383
Two of them are here today.
15
00:00:37,559 --> 00:00:38,777
Okay, that'’s it.
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00:00:38,864 --> 00:00:40,040
Hold my new purse.
17
00:00:41,563 --> 00:00:43,086
I should have just
let her drink.
18
00:00:46,176 --> 00:00:47,699
Hey, guys.
19
00:00:47,786 --> 00:00:50,006
Well, look who finally
showed up for work.
20
00:00:51,790 --> 00:00:55,055
I mean, so sorry to hear
your father passed away.
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00:00:55,142 --> 00:00:56,491
Thanks.
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00:00:56,578 --> 00:00:58,362
Really wish
I'’d gotten to meet...
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00:00:59,494 --> 00:01:01,148
...Abner.
24
00:01:02,671 --> 00:01:03,802
His name was Alvin.
25
00:01:03,889 --> 00:01:05,021
And you did meet him.
26
00:01:06,675 --> 00:01:08,242
You'’ve been
in this country 30 years.
27
00:01:08,329 --> 00:01:09,895
When are you gonna
lose the accent?
28
00:01:11,288 --> 00:01:12,376
Hey, Gabriel.
29
00:01:12,463 --> 00:01:13,421
Hey, you.
30
00:01:14,596 --> 00:01:15,988
Welcome back.
31
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:17,207
Thanks.
32
00:01:17,294 --> 00:01:18,382
Ah, this must be hard.
33
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Is it hard?
34
00:01:19,731 --> 00:01:21,211
It seems like it
would be hard.
35
00:01:21,298 --> 00:01:23,561
No, I'’m doing okay.
36
00:01:23,648 --> 00:01:26,651
I think work will help
keep my mind off it.
37
00:01:26,738 --> 00:01:29,045
Really? '’Cause if you need a
few days, you can take them.
38
00:01:29,132 --> 00:01:30,220
No, I'’m good.
39
00:01:30,307 --> 00:01:31,308
Thanks.
40
00:01:33,441 --> 00:01:34,529
Hi.
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00:01:34,616 --> 00:01:36,008
Any questions about the menu?
42
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,401
Is your risotto vegan?
43
00:01:37,488 --> 00:01:39,273
No, it'’s made
with chicken stock.
44
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:41,405
Ugh, could my day
get any worse?
45
00:01:41,492 --> 00:01:43,146
Yeah, your father could die!
46
00:01:44,669 --> 00:01:46,541
Okay, I might need
a few more days.
47
00:02:06,256 --> 00:02:07,866
Bill, bill, bill.
48
00:02:07,953 --> 00:02:09,651
Ugh, I am so screwed.
49
00:02:09,738 --> 00:02:11,566
[whoops sarcastically]
50
00:02:11,653 --> 00:02:14,830
Bank of America wants
to give me a new credit card.
51
00:02:14,917 --> 00:02:17,659
Those idiots.
52
00:02:17,746 --> 00:02:20,052
BONNIE: You have no right
to take his stuff!
53
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,706
LORRAINE: Yes, I do,
he was my husband.
54
00:02:21,793 --> 00:02:23,665
What'’s going on?
55
00:02:23,752 --> 00:02:26,233
Maleficent here is stealing
all your dad'’s things.
56
00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:29,540
It is not stealing--
he left everything to me.
57
00:02:29,627 --> 00:02:31,368
Hey, my daughter and I
are in that will, too.
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00:02:31,455 --> 00:02:33,457
Not according to my lawyer.
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00:02:33,544 --> 00:02:36,025
I guess you didn'’t mean as much
to him as you thought you did.
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00:02:36,112 --> 00:02:37,853
Keep telling yourself
that; he loved me.
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00:02:37,940 --> 00:02:39,855
[scoffs]
Don'’t talk about love.
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00:02:39,942 --> 00:02:42,771
Alvin and I were
together for 30 years.
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00:02:42,858 --> 00:02:45,034
And from what he told me,
so were your legs.
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00:02:45,121 --> 00:02:46,862
That'’s right, you heard me.
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00:02:48,646 --> 00:02:49,865
Okay, time
to go inside.
66
00:02:49,952 --> 00:02:51,040
Let'’s go inside.
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00:02:51,127 --> 00:02:52,084
You'’re disgusting.
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00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,434
Alvin didn'’t think so.
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00:02:53,521 --> 00:02:54,739
I was his last meal.
70
00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:58,700
Then he must have died
of food poisoning.
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00:02:58,787 --> 00:03:02,965
When his soul left his body,
it migrated to my hoo-ha.
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00:03:04,445 --> 00:03:06,055
You'’re a sick woman.
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00:03:06,142 --> 00:03:07,187
[with a deep voice]:
"Lorraine, it'’s Alvin!
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00:03:07,274 --> 00:03:08,840
Give '’em my stuff!"
75
00:03:10,364 --> 00:03:11,626
Okay, that'’s enough.
76
00:03:11,713 --> 00:03:14,542
"Also, you'’re a hose-bag!"
77
00:03:14,629 --> 00:03:17,066
Okay...
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00:03:17,153 --> 00:03:18,981
I'’m only gonna
say this once:
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00:03:19,068 --> 00:03:22,419
The whole dead dad-vagina bit--
never want to see it again.
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00:03:22,506 --> 00:03:25,074
"Oh, lighten up!"
81
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:30,166
Before we start, I just want
to express my condolences
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00:03:30,253 --> 00:03:31,950
for your loss.
Thank you.
83
00:03:32,037 --> 00:03:33,952
I would also want to take
the opportunity to say
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00:03:34,039 --> 00:03:35,476
what a delight it is to have
your daughter
85
00:03:35,563 --> 00:03:37,173
helping me out
at my office.
86
00:03:37,260 --> 00:03:39,131
She'’s a hard worker,
she'’s very sharp...
87
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:42,309
Yeah, she'’s a gem.
How much is this gonna cost me?
88
00:03:42,396 --> 00:03:45,312
Don'’t worry, Mom, Steve'’s
helping us for free.
89
00:03:45,399 --> 00:03:49,838
Or, as we call it in the
legal profession, pro bono.
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00:03:49,925 --> 00:03:51,318
Anyway, went down
to the courthouse,
91
00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:53,276
spoke to the court clerk.
92
00:03:53,363 --> 00:03:55,365
The "court clerk" is basically
a secretary for the court.
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00:03:55,452 --> 00:03:56,366
Okay.
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00:03:56,453 --> 00:03:57,802
And while I was there,
95
00:03:57,889 --> 00:03:59,195
I petitioned for a copy
of the will.
96
00:03:59,282 --> 00:04:00,588
A "petition" is
a formal request.
97
00:04:00,675 --> 00:04:02,416
Right.
98
00:04:02,503 --> 00:04:04,766
So we could find out
if you were named beneficiaries.
99
00:04:04,853 --> 00:04:06,637
A "beneficiary"
is one who benefits...
100
00:04:06,724 --> 00:04:08,509
Oh, my God, stop.
101
00:04:10,119 --> 00:04:11,990
All right, give me
the bottom line.
102
00:04:12,077 --> 00:04:15,951
The will that'’s on file with
the court is from 15 years ago.
103
00:04:16,038 --> 00:04:17,692
It doesn'’t mention you
or Christy.
104
00:04:17,779 --> 00:04:19,694
Yeah, but what about
the new will?
105
00:04:19,781 --> 00:04:23,045
He told my mom that he had a new
one made that took care of us.
106
00:04:23,132 --> 00:04:24,525
He did, but according
to his lawyer,
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00:04:24,612 --> 00:04:26,048
he never got around
to signing it.
108
00:04:26,135 --> 00:04:27,571
Are you kidding me?Oh, my God.
109
00:04:27,658 --> 00:04:28,877
And of course
that'’s not gonna happen
110
00:04:28,964 --> 00:04:30,879
now that he'’s, you know, dead.
111
00:04:30,966 --> 00:04:33,185
How much was it gonna be?
112
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:34,926
You don'’t want to know--
you'’ll just get upset.
113
00:04:35,013 --> 00:04:36,276
Tell me.
114
00:04:36,363 --> 00:04:37,364
Yeah, let'’s hear it.
115
00:04:37,451 --> 00:04:38,669
A hundred grand.
116
00:04:38,756 --> 00:04:39,975
Son of a bitch!
Just kill me.
117
00:04:42,107 --> 00:04:46,329
Okay, what if I were to tell you
that there was a third will,
118
00:04:46,416 --> 00:04:48,157
that he did sign?Is there?
119
00:04:48,244 --> 00:04:49,289
There could be.
120
00:04:50,420 --> 00:04:52,248
Mom...
What?
121
00:04:52,335 --> 00:04:53,554
I'’ve got that bogus
notary stamp.
122
00:04:53,641 --> 00:04:55,556
All I need is a sample
of his handwriting.
123
00:04:55,643 --> 00:04:57,209
Mom!
Work with me!
124
00:05:02,911 --> 00:05:03,868
Hey.
Hi.
125
00:05:03,955 --> 00:05:05,305
Oh, good, you made it.
126
00:05:05,392 --> 00:05:06,567
Mind moving over?
127
00:05:06,654 --> 00:05:08,264
Just sit here.
[pats the seat]
128
00:05:08,351 --> 00:05:09,352
No, that'’s my seat.
129
00:05:09,439 --> 00:05:10,832
Come on, scooch.
130
00:05:10,919 --> 00:05:12,529
Mom, there'’s plenty
of other spots.
131
00:05:12,616 --> 00:05:15,227
No, everybody knows
on Tuesday nights, I sit there.
132
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:16,751
Well, why don'’t you
shake it up tonight?
133
00:05:16,838 --> 00:05:18,405
Sit here.
134
00:05:18,492 --> 00:05:20,581
I don'’t want to sit there,
I want to sit there
135
00:05:20,668 --> 00:05:22,017
'’cause that'’s my seat.
136
00:05:22,104 --> 00:05:23,323
Mom, let it go.
137
00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:24,324
No.
138
00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:25,847
Move.
139
00:05:25,934 --> 00:05:26,978
Okay, I'’m not rewarding
this behavior.
140
00:05:27,065 --> 00:05:28,153
Find another seat.
141
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,894
Come on, it'’s just a chair.
142
00:05:29,981 --> 00:05:31,896
It'’s not just a chair!
143
00:05:31,983 --> 00:05:33,898
It'’s my whole damn life!
144
00:05:33,985 --> 00:05:36,248
Things I love keep
getting taken away!
145
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:40,209
My childhood, my home,
my drugs and alcohol,
146
00:05:40,296 --> 00:05:41,558
and now Alvin!
147
00:05:41,645 --> 00:05:43,560
So you listen to me,
old woman!
148
00:05:43,647 --> 00:05:45,562
I am drawing a line
in the sand,
149
00:05:45,649 --> 00:05:47,564
and the sand
is that chair!
150
00:05:47,651 --> 00:05:49,436
Now move your ass!
151
00:05:55,833 --> 00:05:57,705
Thank you.
152
00:06:03,014 --> 00:06:05,669
Ah, damn it, now I have
to go to the bathroom.
153
00:06:16,811 --> 00:06:19,379
So, how you doing?
154
00:06:23,470 --> 00:06:25,385
Here we go.
155
00:06:25,472 --> 00:06:27,735
Thanks again for seeing me.
156
00:06:27,822 --> 00:06:29,301
It'’s very kind of you.
157
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:31,086
Yes, it is.
158
00:06:31,173 --> 00:06:33,088
Is this Alvin?
159
00:06:33,175 --> 00:06:34,655
LORRAINE:
Yes.
160
00:06:34,742 --> 00:06:37,266
I didn'’t know he wanted
to be cremated.
161
00:06:37,353 --> 00:06:38,267
He didn'’t.
162
00:06:41,705 --> 00:06:43,315
Now, what can I do for you?
163
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,317
Well, [clears throat]
first of all,
164
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:48,277
I want to apologize
for my mom'’s behavior.
165
00:06:48,364 --> 00:06:50,453
Bet you'’ve been doing that
your whole life.
166
00:06:50,540 --> 00:06:52,107
Pretty much, yeah.
167
00:06:52,194 --> 00:06:54,762
But in her defense...
168
00:06:54,849 --> 00:06:56,111
Yeah...?
169
00:06:57,242 --> 00:07:00,245
The point is...
170
00:07:00,332 --> 00:07:04,380
...she'’s just as devastated
as you are by Alvin'’s death.
171
00:07:04,467 --> 00:07:07,644
Are you really comparing my loss
to your mother'’s?
172
00:07:07,731 --> 00:07:09,994
No, of course not.
173
00:07:10,081 --> 00:07:11,996
I'’m not here for her,
174
00:07:12,083 --> 00:07:14,912
I'’m here for my kids.
175
00:07:14,999 --> 00:07:17,001
I'’m sure you know
that Alvin wrote a second will.
176
00:07:17,088 --> 00:07:19,613
Which he never signed or filed,
what a shame, go on.
177
00:07:21,658 --> 00:07:23,530
Right.
178
00:07:23,617 --> 00:07:27,403
Um, what you may not know is,
um, the money he set aside
179
00:07:27,490 --> 00:07:30,711
for me and my kids
would be a real life-changer.
180
00:07:30,798 --> 00:07:34,366
You know what was
a real life-changer for me?
181
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:37,631
Finding out my husband had a
daughter he never told me about.
182
00:07:37,718 --> 00:07:38,980
Yeah.
183
00:07:39,067 --> 00:07:41,983
That'’s got to be rough.
184
00:07:42,070 --> 00:07:43,637
But on the plus side,
185
00:07:43,724 --> 00:07:45,943
I hear she'’s a great gal.
186
00:07:48,990 --> 00:07:52,515
So all that stuff
about you being a pole dancer
187
00:07:52,602 --> 00:07:54,386
and a drunk isn'’t true?
188
00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:56,388
Anymore.
189
00:07:59,653 --> 00:08:02,743
Well, you'’ve given me
a lot to think about.
190
00:08:02,830 --> 00:08:06,747
I understand this is difficult,
so take all the time you need.
191
00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:08,183
No.
192
00:08:10,315 --> 00:08:12,883
No, you don'’t need
a lot of time?
193
00:08:12,970 --> 00:08:15,190
No, you'’re not getting a penny.
194
00:08:17,888 --> 00:08:20,587
I'’m standing,
do you know what that means?
195
00:08:24,416 --> 00:08:27,332
Okay, well...
[sighs]
196
00:08:27,419 --> 00:08:29,378
I guess there'’s
nothing left to say.
197
00:08:30,814 --> 00:08:32,163
I'’ll let myself out.
198
00:08:36,994 --> 00:08:39,910
You know, if I wasn'’t
such a great gal,
199
00:08:39,997 --> 00:08:42,173
I would tell you
to go screw yourself.
200
00:08:43,305 --> 00:08:46,047
So instead I will say,
201
00:08:46,134 --> 00:08:47,831
"Good day."
202
00:08:51,661 --> 00:08:52,967
She had him cremated?!
203
00:08:53,054 --> 00:08:54,098
Yeah.
204
00:08:54,185 --> 00:08:56,623
That vindictive bitch!
205
00:08:56,710 --> 00:08:59,190
Come on, Mom,
what difference does it make?
206
00:08:59,277 --> 00:09:00,931
I'’ll tell you
what difference it makes.
207
00:09:01,018 --> 00:09:02,411
Now I can never visit him.
208
00:09:02,498 --> 00:09:04,544
If there was a grave,
I could go visit.
209
00:09:04,631 --> 00:09:05,545
You know what?
210
00:09:05,632 --> 00:09:07,416
You can visit him in your heart.
211
00:09:07,503 --> 00:09:09,592
No such place.
212
00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:12,639
Please, you need to let this go.
213
00:09:12,726 --> 00:09:15,250
Yeah, I'’ll let it go
right after I...
214
00:09:15,337 --> 00:09:16,251
You know what?
215
00:09:16,338 --> 00:09:17,252
Never mind.
216
00:09:19,341 --> 00:09:20,255
No, n-no! No!
217
00:09:20,342 --> 00:09:21,299
I mind!
218
00:09:21,386 --> 00:09:23,301
Right after you what?
219
00:09:23,388 --> 00:09:25,303
BONNIE:
Not important!
220
00:09:25,390 --> 00:09:26,957
CHRISTY: Why are you
putting your shoes on?
221
00:09:27,044 --> 00:09:29,133
BONNIE: Here, put this shirt
in the laundry for me.
222
00:09:29,220 --> 00:09:31,005
CHRISTY: Mom...BONNIE: Never forget,
I love you.
223
00:09:31,092 --> 00:09:32,963
CHRISTY: Okay, you'’re
really freaking me out now.
224
00:09:33,050 --> 00:09:34,878
I'’ll see you later.
225
00:09:34,965 --> 00:09:36,532
This doesn'’t feel
like you'’re letting it go.
226
00:09:36,619 --> 00:09:37,838
Hey, my pajamas are
in the bathroom,
227
00:09:37,925 --> 00:09:39,622
will you toss
those in, too?
228
00:09:39,709 --> 00:09:41,668
I'’m sorry, but until you
tell me what'’s going on,
229
00:09:41,755 --> 00:09:43,670
I am not letting you
leave this house.
230
00:09:43,757 --> 00:09:45,280
Hey!
231
00:09:48,152 --> 00:09:49,676
BONNIE:
Christy, wake up.
232
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:55,507
Hiya.
233
00:09:59,511 --> 00:10:00,948
Where have you been?
234
00:10:01,035 --> 00:10:02,253
Righting a wrong.
235
00:10:02,340 --> 00:10:04,647
Oh, God.
236
00:10:04,734 --> 00:10:06,344
What'’d you do?
237
00:10:06,431 --> 00:10:08,651
Lorraine might
have the money,
238
00:10:08,738 --> 00:10:09,957
but I have Alvin.
239
00:10:12,742 --> 00:10:14,614
And a sandwich?
240
00:10:20,663 --> 00:10:24,058
So, what, you broke in
and stole his ashes?
241
00:10:24,145 --> 00:10:25,407
Yes.
242
00:10:25,494 --> 00:10:27,757
But I left the urn.
243
00:10:27,844 --> 00:10:28,758
That'’s the genius.
244
00:10:28,845 --> 00:10:30,064
Lorraine will never know.
245
00:10:31,195 --> 00:10:32,632
Oh, Mom...
246
00:10:32,719 --> 00:10:34,155
She'’ll just be talking
to an empty urn,
247
00:10:34,242 --> 00:10:36,113
but we'’ll be talking
to the real guy.
248
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:38,202
Right, honey?
249
00:10:38,289 --> 00:10:39,856
Oh, Mom!
250
00:10:39,943 --> 00:10:41,684
Do we have any Tupperware
to put him in
251
00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:43,338
until I find something nice?
252
00:10:44,861 --> 00:10:47,647
We have to take him back.
253
00:10:47,734 --> 00:10:49,779
Oh, no, no!
That'’s crazy!
254
00:10:49,866 --> 00:10:51,955
Yeah, now, see,
you'’re not allowed
255
00:10:52,042 --> 00:10:54,044
to use that word anymore.
256
00:10:54,131 --> 00:10:55,829
You think he'’ll fit in here?
257
00:10:55,916 --> 00:10:58,266
You can'’t put him
in Roscoe'’s thermos!
258
00:10:58,353 --> 00:10:59,397
Well, why not?
259
00:10:59,484 --> 00:11:01,573
It'’ll keep him cool.
260
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:02,662
Or warm.
261
00:11:04,838 --> 00:11:06,622
[singsong]:
Cra-zy.
262
00:11:06,709 --> 00:11:08,624
Here,
hold your father.
263
00:11:08,711 --> 00:11:09,625
I'’ll get a funnel.
264
00:11:11,583 --> 00:11:12,976
I get that she'’s grieving,
265
00:11:13,063 --> 00:11:14,238
but I'’m at my wit'’s end.
266
00:11:14,325 --> 00:11:15,631
I don'’t know
what to do.
267
00:11:15,718 --> 00:11:17,067
How '’bout nothing?
268
00:11:17,154 --> 00:11:18,590
What?!
269
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:21,332
My mother broke
into this woman'’s house
270
00:11:21,419 --> 00:11:23,291
and stole my father'’s ashes.
271
00:11:23,378 --> 00:11:24,814
Yeah, but the woman
doesn'’t know.
272
00:11:24,901 --> 00:11:26,337
She'’ll never know.
273
00:11:26,424 --> 00:11:28,339
I thought part of being sober
274
00:11:28,426 --> 00:11:29,819
was being rigorously honest.
275
00:11:29,906 --> 00:11:32,213
Eh... let'’s say rigor-ish.
276
00:11:33,997 --> 00:11:37,174
No, I can'’t live with this.
277
00:11:37,261 --> 00:11:39,394
Maybe I could return him
to his sons,
278
00:11:39,481 --> 00:11:41,483
so it doesn'’t become
a whole thing.
279
00:11:41,570 --> 00:11:44,660
Well, switching out his ashes
worked once.
280
00:11:44,747 --> 00:11:45,966
Why wouldn'’t it work again?
281
00:11:47,576 --> 00:11:48,577
That'’s good.
282
00:11:50,492 --> 00:11:52,886
But I need something, you know,
to put in the thermos.
283
00:11:52,973 --> 00:11:53,974
For heft.
284
00:11:54,061 --> 00:11:55,584
How '’bout kitty litter?
285
00:11:56,628 --> 00:11:58,413
How '’bout I love you?
286
00:12:01,024 --> 00:12:03,287
The only problem is getting
the thermos away from her.
287
00:12:03,374 --> 00:12:06,508
She takes his ashes
around with her?
288
00:12:06,595 --> 00:12:09,511
This morning,
they went to the DMV.
289
00:12:29,096 --> 00:12:30,053
Hey.
290
00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:31,446
What are you doing up?
291
00:12:31,533 --> 00:12:33,013
Thirsty.
292
00:12:35,058 --> 00:12:36,756
Is that kitty litter?
293
00:12:38,366 --> 00:12:40,498
Yes, it is.
294
00:12:40,585 --> 00:12:42,065
Are we getting a cat?
295
00:12:42,152 --> 00:12:43,066
No.
296
00:12:43,153 --> 00:12:45,634
I'’m allergic to cats.
297
00:12:45,721 --> 00:12:47,027
Then what are you doing?
298
00:12:49,420 --> 00:12:50,465
We'’re getting a cat.
299
00:13:18,841 --> 00:13:20,756
[blowing]
300
00:13:35,553 --> 00:13:37,425
Christy?
301
00:13:37,512 --> 00:13:38,774
Yeah?
302
00:13:38,861 --> 00:13:41,037
Close the window,
there'’s a breeze.
303
00:13:44,214 --> 00:13:46,086
Yeah, you got it.
304
00:13:51,004 --> 00:13:52,832
[imitates creaking
window frame]
305
00:13:56,009 --> 00:13:57,401
Thank you.
306
00:13:57,488 --> 00:13:59,360
Sweet dreams, Mom.
307
00:14:02,058 --> 00:14:02,929
Christy?
308
00:14:04,191 --> 00:14:05,453
Yeah?
309
00:14:05,540 --> 00:14:06,933
I'’m sorry, it'’s a little stuffy.
310
00:14:07,020 --> 00:14:08,935
Open the window?
311
00:14:13,156 --> 00:14:15,028
[imitates creaking
window frame]
312
00:14:22,296 --> 00:14:25,081
So, long story short,
313
00:14:25,168 --> 00:14:26,735
I just wanted
to return my dad.
314
00:14:26,822 --> 00:14:28,737
Your dad. Our dad.
315
00:14:30,434 --> 00:14:31,783
You don'’t have
to weigh him,
316
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,960
he'’s all there.
317
00:14:34,047 --> 00:14:36,353
Wait a minute--
i-if this is him,
318
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:38,007
then what'’s in the urn
at our house?
319
00:14:38,094 --> 00:14:40,401
According to my mom, Grape-Nuts.
320
00:14:42,142 --> 00:14:43,795
Then what does your mother have
in her urn?
321
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,319
I went with kitty litter.
322
00:14:45,406 --> 00:14:47,147
Scoopable. Unscented.
323
00:14:48,713 --> 00:14:50,541
Okay, fine,
324
00:14:50,628 --> 00:14:52,239
but why aren'’t you returning
this to our mother?
325
00:14:52,326 --> 00:14:55,895
I was actually hoping
we could keep this between us
326
00:14:55,982 --> 00:14:59,594
and you could just switch out
the Grape-Nuts with...
327
00:14:59,681 --> 00:15:00,987
Toasted Daddy-O'’s.
328
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:05,948
[laughing]: It is kind of funny,
if you think about it.
329
00:15:06,035 --> 00:15:08,646
Mom'’s been yelling
at part of a balanced breakfast.
330
00:15:08,733 --> 00:15:10,344
This isn'’t a joke.
331
00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:12,737
Her mom stole Dad'’s ashes
332
00:15:12,824 --> 00:15:13,869
because she couldn'’t
steal his money.
333
00:15:13,956 --> 00:15:15,436
Excuse me,
334
00:15:15,523 --> 00:15:17,568
she was not trying
to steal his money.
335
00:15:17,655 --> 00:15:20,484
Alvin wanted to leave us
something, but--
336
00:15:22,834 --> 00:15:25,315
You know what, that'’s, um,
not why I'’m here.
337
00:15:25,402 --> 00:15:27,404
I just wanted to return him.
338
00:15:27,491 --> 00:15:29,015
I'’m sorry I dragged you
into this.
339
00:15:29,102 --> 00:15:30,059
Your mom'’s crazy.
340
00:15:30,146 --> 00:15:32,018
Yes, she is.
341
00:15:33,715 --> 00:15:35,935
But she also
really loved your father.
342
00:15:37,762 --> 00:15:40,374
So did I.
343
00:15:40,461 --> 00:15:41,592
This is crap.
344
00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:42,680
I-I'’ve got a business to run.
345
00:15:47,250 --> 00:15:48,295
Sorry about him.
346
00:15:48,382 --> 00:15:50,036
I wish I could say
347
00:15:50,123 --> 00:15:51,298
he'’s been kind of a
douche since Dad died,
348
00:15:51,385 --> 00:15:52,821
but the truth is,
349
00:15:52,908 --> 00:15:55,215
he has always been
kind of a douche.
350
00:15:55,302 --> 00:15:56,085
Please.
351
00:15:57,434 --> 00:15:58,696
It'’s cool.
352
00:15:58,783 --> 00:16:00,220
We'’ve all been through a lot.
353
00:16:00,307 --> 00:16:02,091
Yeah, I haven'’t been
sleeping so good.
354
00:16:02,178 --> 00:16:03,440
Neither have I.
355
00:16:03,527 --> 00:16:05,529
Thank God for weed, huh?
356
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:09,229
Yeah, I can'’t do that anymore,
357
00:16:09,316 --> 00:16:11,057
'’cause I'’m... sober.
358
00:16:11,144 --> 00:16:13,059
Oh, right.
359
00:16:13,146 --> 00:16:15,757
How'’s that working out for you?
360
00:16:15,844 --> 00:16:18,281
Well, pretty good.
361
00:16:18,368 --> 00:16:20,501
Except when your dad dies,
of course.
362
00:16:20,588 --> 00:16:22,503
And then you feel sad,
363
00:16:22,590 --> 00:16:24,461
but you can'’t drink anything
to make you not feel sad,
364
00:16:24,548 --> 00:16:26,463
so you just feel sad
365
00:16:26,550 --> 00:16:28,161
and, as you know,
366
00:16:28,248 --> 00:16:31,773
feeling sad is... sad.
367
00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:34,428
I'’d like to say I know
what you'’re talking about,
368
00:16:34,515 --> 00:16:36,299
but I'’ve been so baked
since the funeral
369
00:16:36,386 --> 00:16:38,084
I can barely see you.
370
00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:42,784
[TV playing indistinctly]
371
00:16:42,871 --> 00:16:44,786
Ooh, Ice Road Truckers.
372
00:16:46,135 --> 00:16:47,789
Are you serious?
373
00:16:47,876 --> 00:16:50,270
What?
Your father loves that show.
374
00:16:50,357 --> 00:16:52,141
Come on, Mom.
375
00:16:52,228 --> 00:16:54,404
You get that he'’s
not really here.
376
00:16:54,491 --> 00:16:55,405
I know that.
377
00:16:55,492 --> 00:16:57,059
But it comforts me, okay?
378
00:16:57,146 --> 00:16:58,408
Okay.
379
00:17:02,151 --> 00:17:04,023
There you go.
380
00:17:05,241 --> 00:17:06,938
[knocking on door]
381
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:09,028
You two sit.
I got it.
382
00:17:12,727 --> 00:17:14,685
Hi.
383
00:17:14,772 --> 00:17:15,686
How'’s it going?Hey.
384
00:17:15,773 --> 00:17:17,601
This is a surprise.
385
00:17:17,688 --> 00:17:18,602
Come on in.
386
00:17:18,689 --> 00:17:20,082
Sure.
387
00:17:20,169 --> 00:17:21,257
You remember my mom.
388
00:17:21,344 --> 00:17:22,258
Hi.
Hi.
389
00:17:22,345 --> 00:17:23,520
Did she send you?
390
00:17:23,607 --> 00:17:26,045
No, she doesn'’t know we'’re here.
391
00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:27,698
And she doesn'’t know
about this, either.
392
00:17:27,785 --> 00:17:28,873
I don'’t understand.
393
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,788
Open it.
394
00:17:33,226 --> 00:17:34,749
Oh, my God,
that'’s a lot of money.
395
00:17:34,836 --> 00:17:36,185
Yeah, I'’m generally
the good brother,
396
00:17:36,272 --> 00:17:38,709
but it was
actually his idea.
397
00:17:38,796 --> 00:17:40,189
Why?
398
00:17:40,276 --> 00:17:41,669
It was what Dad wanted.
399
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,715
And I'’m not always a douche.
400
00:17:47,675 --> 00:17:50,895
Douglas, uh, went through
the books at the body shop
401
00:17:50,982 --> 00:17:53,246
and "discovered" that
you have been working there
402
00:17:53,333 --> 00:17:55,422
for almost two years
without being paid.
403
00:17:55,509 --> 00:17:56,901
If it makes you feel any better,
404
00:17:56,988 --> 00:17:58,251
you'’re Employee of the Month.
405
00:17:59,643 --> 00:18:02,124
Mom, look at this.
406
00:18:02,211 --> 00:18:05,867
Did I, maybe,
work at the body shop, too?
407
00:18:05,954 --> 00:18:07,347
No, you did not.
408
00:18:09,175 --> 00:18:11,916
You guys, this is...
so generous.
409
00:18:12,003 --> 00:18:13,048
DOUGLAS:
Nah.
410
00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:15,050
Oh.
Thank you.
411
00:18:17,444 --> 00:18:18,749
I hate not having Alvin around,
412
00:18:18,836 --> 00:18:21,752
but I sure do like
having brothers.
413
00:18:21,839 --> 00:18:23,145
It'’s nice havin'’ a sister.
414
00:18:23,232 --> 00:18:24,886
Yeah.
415
00:18:26,670 --> 00:18:28,194
Okay, well, um...
416
00:18:28,281 --> 00:18:30,065
I guess we'’ll be
seeing you around.
417
00:18:30,152 --> 00:18:31,240
Bye.
Wait.
418
00:18:32,807 --> 00:18:34,548
There'’s something
I have tell you.
419
00:18:34,635 --> 00:18:36,289
I have your father.
420
00:18:36,376 --> 00:18:38,117
What'’s that, now?
421
00:18:40,162 --> 00:18:41,250
Here.
422
00:18:41,337 --> 00:18:42,643
He-he should be with you.
423
00:18:42,730 --> 00:18:45,602
Uh, well, I don'’t
understand.
424
00:18:45,689 --> 00:18:47,126
Your mother has an urn
425
00:18:47,213 --> 00:18:49,606
filled with high-fiber cereal
on her mantle.
426
00:18:49,693 --> 00:18:50,738
This is your father.
427
00:18:55,395 --> 00:18:58,572
Okay, um... well,
I... I'’m surprised.
428
00:19:00,617 --> 00:19:03,142
Douglas?
429
00:19:04,534 --> 00:19:06,406
Shocked and dismayed.
430
00:19:07,972 --> 00:19:10,758
I'’m really sorry.
431
00:19:10,845 --> 00:19:11,759
Nicely done.
432
00:19:13,282 --> 00:19:14,457
Do you guys want
to hang out for a while?
433
00:19:14,544 --> 00:19:16,285
Have a cup of coffee?
434
00:19:16,372 --> 00:19:17,591
Yeah, I'’d-I'’d
like that.Sounds good.
435
00:19:17,678 --> 00:19:18,983
You know what?
436
00:19:19,070 --> 00:19:21,421
This is a moment
we should remember.
437
00:19:21,508 --> 00:19:23,771
Let'’s take a picture,
all right?
438
00:19:23,858 --> 00:19:25,555
Okay.
439
00:19:25,642 --> 00:19:26,643
Ready?
440
00:19:26,730 --> 00:19:28,602
And... cheese!
441
00:19:30,038 --> 00:19:31,953
[phone chimes]
442
00:19:37,741 --> 00:19:39,613
That bitch.
443
00:19:48,926 --> 00:19:51,102
It'’s so beautiful
here, Alvin.
444
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:52,626
I thought you might like it.
445
00:19:52,713 --> 00:19:54,280
Oh, it'’s perfect.
446
00:19:54,367 --> 00:19:55,759
Like you.
447
00:20:02,288 --> 00:20:05,813
Hey, do you remember that scene
in From Here to Eternity
448
00:20:05,900 --> 00:20:07,945
with Burt Lancaster
and Deborah Kerr
449
00:20:08,032 --> 00:20:09,599
when they make love on the sand
450
00:20:09,686 --> 00:20:11,340
with the surf washing over '’em?
451
00:20:11,427 --> 00:20:13,429
Oh, that was so hot.
452
00:20:13,516 --> 00:20:14,517
Do you want to try it?
453
00:20:14,604 --> 00:20:16,084
Really? Why don'’t we
454
00:20:16,171 --> 00:20:17,564
just wrap your
penis in sandpaper?
455
00:20:19,087 --> 00:20:20,610
Come on,
456
00:20:20,697 --> 00:20:22,830
anybody can have sex in a bed.
457
00:20:22,917 --> 00:20:25,833
[sighs] All right, but
just so we'’re clear,
458
00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:28,662
I'’m Burt, you'’re Deborah.
459
00:20:28,749 --> 00:20:30,141
Deal.[soft chuckle]
460
00:20:33,928 --> 00:20:35,712
Hey.
461
00:20:35,799 --> 00:20:39,238
He'’ll always be mine,
you'’ll never have--
31272
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