All language subtitles for nearest e dearest

You are my nearest and dearest, you see,
and you mean all the world to me.

When you are by my side, the shadows run
and hide, oh, how great it can be.

You are my nearest and dearest, you
know, and I need you wherever I go.

And when you hold my hand, it's like a
wonderland, you know that I love you so.

I hope the day comes soon when we'll be
always together.

You and me, you know that you will be my
nearest and dearest forever.

Oh, can't you see? Cause I love you,
come rain or come shine.

And I know you will always be mine.

I want the world to see that you will
always be the nearest and dearest to me.

Give that... I say!

Just... Hang on just a minute, darling.

You see... I say, could you spare a
minute? You see, what I wanted to...

Oh, I nearly had me.

A woman can't walk the street these
days.

Hello there.

I've got something for you.

Oh, have you now?

Don't expect me to fall for that.

How do I know you're not the Boston
Dangler?

If you've got anything for me, you can
stick it through the letterbox.

It might be too big.

Well, I'm not opening the door, so
you'll just have to try and squeeze it

through. All right, then, but be ready
to get hold of it.

Oh, I'm a fool.

Oh, thank you very glad.

Oh, I'm glad you haven't. Oh, Dad, I
thought you'd gone.

Well, I haven't.

I am glad you haven't. I brought you
some lovely black pudding for your tea.

Oh, well, I left it till tea time. I
suppose I'll enjoy them.

Now, keep your hands off this sheet.
You're too bloody quick with it

Well, you keep telling me you're going.

Well, I might be, but I'm not in any
hurry.

You'll know when I'm going.

I'll take my teeth out.

You'll what?

You're not being laid out in the parlour
then. If you take your teeth out,

you're going to be laid out in the
kitchen.

That'll have to be.

Them teeth are promised.

Promised? Yes, old Stan Hardman.

Stan Hardman? What the hell's he going
to do with them?

What the hell do you think he's going to
do with them?

Oh, it's insanity.

Stick them in our pick overnight.

There's years in these teeth yet.

Hey, any news of her, Eli?

No. Nice, isn't he?

Fifteen years he's been away and he
can't come home to see his father go.

Have you tried to get in touch?

Of course I have. Trekked all the way to
Manchester, I did, to the newspaper

office. And I told the young woman there
I said I wanted to put my brother in a

smalls. Oh, you put one of them come
home advertisements in, did you?

Mm.

But I forget.

Can I reel I read?

Oh, of course you can. Don't you
remember?

They taught him to read in the army.

I'd hope he's not late for the funeral.

I don't think he will be.

I've never known how real I miss a good
do.

Here you are, Freda.

Fried cod, chip and mushy peat. But you
said you would take me out for dinner.

Well, you're out, aren't you? And
there's your dinner.

Ow, that's hot!

Well, that bloody will save for you
tonight.

For the third time tonight, that's not
the gear lever.

Sorry.

Here, Norm.

Here, Eli.

What? He says here that you're wanted.

Wanted? Who, me?

Not the police?

No, it's your sister, Nellie.

Nellie, Nora, that's even worse. Hey,
let's have a look.

Where? There, where the vinegar's soaked
through.

Why? Says I've got to get home as
quickly as possible.

He's had stuff in it. You'd better get
out, love.

All right, well, I mean, he'll have to
be there before he goes.

Hey, sooner than that. Before he makes
his will out.

Never could spell my bloody name.

Go on, out you get.

All right.

Go on. You can't just leave me here.

I haven't even got my bus fare.

Can't you give me anything?

Yeah. Check these. You might be able to
flog them back to the chippy.

Oh! You!

You're a fine one, aren't you? Don't you
leave me here.

These are all the brutes.

Each one will give you their own every
morning.

What's in them?

It's sugar and tea, you know, all mixed
up. And what do I have to do with them?

Well, you put them in a teapot and pour
water on them. That's easy enough.

No, not like that.

Oh, no.

You empty them in the teapot. Oh, well,
why didn't you say so?

Well, I thought you'd have guessed.

That water's got to be boiling and all.

Oh, there's a lot to it, isn't there?

Oh, I hope I remember it.

Oh, Benny Guevara.

Helping you to get it all in, is he?

Oh, he can't keep it up at this age,
though. That's his trouble.

Oh, he knows how it's done.

I've seen the day when Bert's had 24
women under him on this factory floor.

I've had my ups and downs.

Scarlett O 'Hara.

What's that you've nearly got on? Eh? Is
it a frock?

Or a bigger laughter flap?

Oh, it's my mini -mini -skirt, Miss
Nellie. Hmm.

Well, I wouldn't go out in that if I
were you.

You could very easily get chapped.

Put your eyes back on your head, you.

Now, look what I've done.

You've made this unfit for human
combustion.

I'm the new tea lad.

They said I'd have to start at the
bottom.

Oh, yes.

What are you trying to do? Make us
bankrupt, kid? Well, it's only my second

Yeah? Well, what were you in your last
job?

Don't you think you're being a bit
previous with that black armband?

Hasn't he gone yet, then?

He promised to me, you know.

I'm having neck end for my tea tonight.
I've not been able to chew it for years.

Well, you'll just have to wait, won't
you? And stop wearing that flag at half

-mast. He might see you.

What was it you wanted?

Well, I'd like to talk to you about my
career at Pledgey Spittles.

After.

After what?

After he snuffed it.

Don't talk like that about him. That's
awful. I mean, he's still hot in his

not cold in his grave.

He's not up there yet, you know, in a
great behind.

So get that horse in that flaming
stable, will you? This is a yard you're

standing in, not a flaming rhubarb
batch.

Use me, Mary.

So you managed to get back here, then?

Yes.

Hey,

I'm not too late. He's not gone, has he?

No, he's upstairs, if you want to catch
him.

What are you wearing the black coat for?

Are you rehearsing?

So, after 15 years, it's back, eh?

I was thinking of you the other day when
I went to see that picture, The Sound

of Music.

Oh, yes?

Does that remind you of the hero?

No, that song they sang.

Idle swine.

I'll sell this for you, Nellie. After 15
years, you've not changed, love.

Have I not?

You're still a bloody ugly.

You've changed.

Have I?

Who lifted it for you?

Macalpines?

Well, did you get married or anything?

Well, I didn't get married.

I don't know about anything.

What are you going to tell your wife
when you do get married?

I mean, all these women.

Your wife will want to know where you've
been.

I mean, I'd want to know where my
fella's been.

God knows where you've been.

I'm your sister and even I don't know
where you've been.

Where have you been?

Oh,

here and there.

Mostly there.

How about you?

Me? Isn't it oblivious?

I've been stood standing at that factory
pickling all day while he's been lay

lying up there, Dying.

I don't mean that, you daft old ratbag.

I mean, did you never get wet?

No, I didn't want... Well, I wanted,
but... What about that horse snacker you

were going out with?

Horse snacker?

That man was a veterinary surgeon.

That man had healing hands.

He taught me a thing or two. Oh, did he?

And how about that lay preacher that was
sniffing around?

Sniffing around?

You should wash your mouth out when you
intone that man's memory.

That man went as a missionary to darkest
Niagara.

He must have put the bloody wind up,
then.

I shall inhale that remark.

Now, listen. Have you come here to
insult me or have you come home to see

dad? Which or both?

I'm going up now.

He could have snuffed it while you were
nattering on down here.

Don't. He certainly hasn't, you big
-bellied bluer's boil.

Oh, look, it's tempered.

Must get a little hand put on this
watch.

It's the anointed hour.

You are?

It's the only pleasure he has these
days.

Dad?

Dad?

It's me.

Who the hell is Mr. Me?

Don't you recognise me?

Are you a new window cleaner?

How am I ever like the new window
cleaner? It's me, Eli.

There's younger than thee. I was younger
than me when I left. I tell you, it's

Eli. How do I know you're Eli? You might
have come to steal the secret of me

gherkins. You're a great galloping clog
-eye. I don't want to get my hands on

your gherkin.

Eli!

Eli, you've come back!

You've not excited him, are you?

Excited him? If he goes on like that
much longer, I'll be in there with him.

He's come back, Nellie.

Our Eli.

Now see what you've done.

He's had a prolapse.

Better have a pill.

Is he on the pill? I don't want a pill.

You know what Dr. Albright said?

You've got to have it three times a day.

No wonder it's bloody flagging. Come on,
swallow it. I can't, I'm too dry.

It doesn't say anything about dissolving
it in a pint of bitter. Come on,

swallow it.

There you are. I told you.

You awkward flamer. Let him suck it.

Suck it?

That pill is the product of years of
research by desiccated scientists.

Not a flaming mint imperial.

He can swallow it. He can't. He hasn't
got enough spit.

I'll get him a glass of water.

Yes.

See? That wasn't difficult, was it? Not
at all.

Come on.

Just a minute. I wonder where are the
both of you?

Oh, well, we haven't got time, you know,
to be sat sitting around here, you

know. We've got things to do, you know.
There's arrangements.

to be made. What for?

Well, for... after.

After what?

After you've gone, Dad.

Oh.

Are you having to do it spread eagle?

No, I thought the brown cow was nicer,
really. I mean, besides, it's been all

modernised.

I don't like Dale at brown cow.

Well, you won't be there, will you?

Hey, I've just had a thought.

Why don't we have to before he goes?

Then he can come with us.

That's a good idea.

Oh, no, it wouldn't be right.

I mean, we couldn't say what a good send
-off we'd given you with you sat

sitting there supping brown ale.

What have you done about me headstone?

Oh, oh, that'll be lovely.

It says, um, tired he was and did not
show it.

Ill he was and did not know it.

He looked down and thought it best.

To put him back in the old oak chest.

Oh, shut up, you.

I'm looking forward to seeing that.

And before I go, I want to make a last
wish.

You won't have me to look after much
longer.

And when I've gone to meet the great
pickler in the sky, I want you to find

yourself the right fellow who'll marry
you.

And you can spend the rest of your days
pickling together.

You promise me that, won't you?

Well, there's not many picklers about,
but I promise.

Dad? Yes, Frank?

Frank?

I'm glad you've gone back, Frank.

Frank?

He has gone, hasn't he?

There's room for us two in there, you
know.

Are you coming in?

I'm not going down there.

When I die, I'm donating my body to
medical science.

Oh, that's very nice, isn't it?

And what about on the day of
adjudication, when Gabriel sounds his

Where will you be?

Eh?

Scattered all over the infirmary in jam
jars.

You'll be better off in there with us.

Hello. Here they are.

Burke and Eyre.

Oh, you got here last hour, Lily.

Well, he just missed him.

Oh, has he been?

I think he's been.

It took him a right long time to find
it.

I'll bet it did.

I suppose you'd like to throw some soil
at him, would you, Walter?

All right, then.

Not me, cloghead. Him!

He's been right looking forward to
coming here today.

Yeah, well, it'll be a nice day out for
him, won't it?

By the look of him, it's hardly
worthwhile him going home.

You'll not forget about that overcoat,
will you, Nellie?

What overcoat?

You know, Eve.

You said that after the funeral that
Nero would come in for our Walter.

Oh, yes.

Well, he'll be on his way up there now,
won't he?

I mean, better collect it when we get
home.

Because he should be there by then.

Oh, no, love. Not so soon after.

Wouldn't be proper.

No. I'll call for it tomorrow.

Yes.

Well, he's gone now.

Aye. Aye.

We'll not see him again.

No. No.

He's with me mother now.

That'll bloody teach him.

Aye, that will.

Bloody...

Hey, look at the time.

Not hanging about here with you lot, you
know.

I want to get on but for the reason of
the will.

That's just like you, isn't it?

Never happy unless you've got your hand
on it.

Wait for me.

And you lot, you've had your dinner,
have you? Get back and get pickling.

Dad,

I don't know how you could treat me so
flatulent.

Leaving half the factory to him as he's
been away 15 years.

When I've demoted the best years of my
life looking after you.

I don't want half share in a pickle
factory that pongs from here to

I'd sooner sell up and get out.

But he did set up a trust fund.

£20 ,000.

Mind you, I'm not surprised the way he
lived.

Look, the will says we've got to keep
the factory going for five years. We

sell it till then.

I'll sink worse than vinegar beer. Well,
don't think I'm happy to run the

factory with a cunning, conniving
codologist like you.

I don't know what you two are moaning
about.

He left us note.

Hello, Lily.

I mean, after all, you're only my second
cousin. I mean, what do you expect?

Come on, Walter.

What about that overcoat?

Well, it's hanging in the hall. Anthony,
you'd better go and get it yourself.

Walter, eh?

Is he still a blood donor?

Now and again.

It's about time he asked for some back.

Oh, the window to watch.

We're not stopping here to be insulted.

Come on, Walter.

Oh, I don't know.

Answer me.

Stuck back here after 15 years.

Hey.

Have you still got this?

Oh, you mean the boy with one of his
cherries missing?

I remember me dad winning that at
Blackpool Pleasure Beach.

He aimed at the target, missed it, the
boy and not one of his cherries, though.

Well, he won't be going to Blackpool
this week.

I'd booked the room for both of us, you
know.

For next week.

Pity you couldn't have hung on a bit,
Dad.

Oh. That means there'll be a free seat
on Sharra. Of course, I'm used to the

cost of Del Sol, you know.

But I suppose Blackpool will cost me
note.

That's you all over, isn't it, eh?

Jumping on a dead man's seat.

Ah, well, now that I'm back and running
things, there's going to be a few

changes made.

You won't be running it.

We both be running it.

There won't be no changes made either.
We're going to go on pickling the same

pledges have pickled on this sod since
time immoral.

Nellie. I'm only thinking about you.

I mean, after 15 years, you must be a
bit knackered.

I am neither knackered, knockered or
knickered.

And any changes made here will be made
over my dog's body.

I told you.

I told you, this is the place.

Come on, Ben, come on.

Mrs. Snowbottom?

Rowbottom. Beg your pardon?

Pledges? Yes, piquant and pure.

Would you come this way, please?

Harold's Bells Valley, I'm not stopping
here. We were nearer the sea before we

got on the train.

Just think yourself lucky to be here in
the first place.

I mean, you wouldn't be getting a
holiday at all, I mean, if it wasn't for

generosity. Oh, no, you're paid for it.
At least you're going to let us have a

taxi from the state, then.

Keep calm, keep calm.

Money is the root of all evil.

We're in Blackpool now.

Why don't you take a walk along the
promenade into God's green air and see

seagulls fluttering and fluttering and
dropping their little messages?

I mean, it's very difficult.

for a rich man to get a camel through
the eye of a needle.

But the poor man is always welcome in
the kingdom of heaven.

Is that where we're bloody well going
now?

There you are, number four.

Oh, this is right, this is...

Reminds me of Buckingham Palace.

Queen didn't have a room like this.

No, but the censor just stood outside.

Where's my room?

What do you mean?

You're both in there?

You are?

In one bed?

I'm not there lying in bed with him.

Touching. Why not?

It's not polite.

Here. How long have you two been
married?

Married?

We're not married.

You're not married?

Well, you're not staying under my roof.

This isn't my joker.

No, I mean, you see, we're not man and
his wife.

We're man and his sister, you see. What?
His dad was my dad, and my dad was his

dad, and so was my mother, too.

What?

Well, can't you see the family likeness?

You see, she was born when me dad was on
short time.

Oh.

So you're not married, then? No. Oh.

I'm a young widow myself.

Road to Rowbottom.

Mr. Pledge, I've got just the room for
you.

Have you? Yes.

You'll be all right back there.

Oh, will I?

Thank you very glad, I'm sure.

Pardon me for breathing.

I'm sure you'll be very comfortable in
this bed. Will I?

It's interior sprung. You know, it
gives.

Hardly makes a sound.

Why don't you come over here and try it?

Come on, try it.

There we are.

Come on, try harder.

You won't hurt it.

Do you like it?

Oh, I love it. I think I'm going to have
a good night tonight.

I'd better be going.

Oh, must you?

Yeah, I'll see you later.

Right.

What the hell are you playing at?

I've been having a bounce on the bed
with the landlady.

You'll get bounced up and down if you
don't behave yourself this holiday.

Oh, I've got a fat chance of having a
good holiday, haven't I? I've got

50 pence left.

So after 15 years away, your pockets are
not exactly lined with gold, only

cigarette ends.

Ah, well, you see, I've been labouring
under a very heavy burden.

Yes. Oh, coming home from the pub.

If I'd been boozing, it's because I'd
been boozing to forget.

To forget what?

I don't remember.

Oh, shut up, will you? Now, this
holiday, I thought I'd do what my mamma

do, you know. What's that? Put the money
in separate envelopes, you see.

Like, uh, so much for presents, so much
for slot machines, so much for pots of

tea, so much for deck chairs, and so
much for the landlady for the lodgings

the end of the week.

And Nellie?

And so much spending money for Aurelia.

Oh, town Nellie. How much?

Two hundred.

Pounds? Pounds.

Two quid? That won't go far with a
Blackpool jet set.

You think yourself lucky. I'm only
lending you that, you know.

Glad you've got a better room than I've
got.

Hang about.

That one's mine.

Oh, that's mine.

Hey, Nellie.

You've forgotten the... This is your
flaming case.

I was going to tell you you've forgotten
the housekeeping money.

Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty
-five.

Hmm, I think I'd better keep it safe in
my pocket.

Yes, it'll be much safer there.

Oh, look out, Crumpet. Here I come.

Dear Dad.

Oh, hell, Nellie, what are you thinking
about? You are a fool.

Dear Aunt Bertha.

Off out, are you?

Who, me?

Is that money burning a hole in your
pocket?

That money you gave me won't buy no
other string vest.

Oh, isn't it nice to get away from
ponging picklers and mithering

And it'll be nice to make new friends
and see new faces.

What, like these two, you mean?

Oh, no.

Well, if it's not our Eli and Owen, are
they? Oh, what in hell in carnation are

you two doing here?

Well, we're here on our second
honeymoon.

We're going to try to, well, you know,
recapture the moment.

Are you, Walter?

Are you going to try to recapture it?

Do you think he'll remember it?

Come on, lover.

We're off to the beach.

May I leave the room now, please?

Oh, shut up.

Mind you don't spend too much money.

Thank you, anybody.

The shit shall be manly, Paris.

All right, sir. Thank you.

Oh, look at that.

I'll see you.

Here we go.

Eli!

Freda! Fancy me knocking you out of bed?

Well, that's show business, isn't it?

Hey,

two more of the same with all the fruit
salad.

Oh, another one of them and I'll take
off.

You must have really got something out
of that world, the way you're spreading

out tonight.

I think my pocket's sprung a leak.

Oh, Eli.

Be careful, love. That's a tender spot.

Some of the blokes on the sideshows
aren't very good with their balls.

I'm fed up with going in and out on that
bed.

I'd do anything to get a different sort
of job.

Anything? Anything.

Anything at all.

How good are you at taking things down?

What do you mean?

Cheeky.

I mean like short -hand.

Well, I suppose I could learn.

Why? Well, I'll tell you. When I get
home, you see, I'm going to make pledges

pickles up to date.

Yes, I'm going to get myself a
secretary.

Thinking of giving some interviews.

Go on, then.

Interview me.

Go on.

Ask me a question.

When can you start?

As soon as you get back home.

Oh, look at this, my friend, maybe.

You know, the sword swallower.

She looks out of touch.

Listen, I won't be long. I'm just going
to have a word with her. All right.

Where am I?

Why do you need a secretary?

I thought you were trying to get your
half out of it without having to work.

I've got to find some mug that will
marry Anne Alley. I've got to fix that

first.

The last one.

Oh, bloody hell, there's that man up
there in a small piece.

Well, well.

If it isn't Ben in a small piece.
Remember me?

Well, I'd go to our house if it didn't
feel like lunch.

I haven't seen you for years.

Not since that pickling contest at
Bellevue, when me dad won first prize

showing his champion gherkin.

Hey, are you still in the pickling
business in Holden? I am, that lad.

Well, it is nice to see you again,
Vernon.

Come and have a drink.

On holiday with the wife, are you,
Vernon?

No, not me.

I never got married.

Oh, I'll be back to that.

No, uh, well, what about that drink,
then, Eli?

Oh, there you are, then.

Oh, I never had any time of patience for
mucking about with women.

But I must say, at times, it does get a
bit lonely.

No wonder you're bloody lonely.

Yeah, I suppose it's your time of life.
You must miss the little woman round the

house. Somebody to... to the cooking for
you. Warm the slippers in front of the

fire. Well, to tell you the truth, Eli,
for some reason, women don't seem to

find me attractive.

I'm not surprised.

Really, that's true.

I'm here on holiday with my sister, you
know.

Oh, I didn't know you had a sister.

She's not married either.

Partner's in the same pickling business
we are.

Oh, owns half the firm, does she? And
not married, you say?

No.

Hey.

Would you like to meet Nellie?

Aye, I would.

What's she like?

Well, now, how can I put it?

She's got all that Brackle Welsh has
got, you know.

But it's just put together a bit
different.

Aye, but I'm a bit backward at coming
forward with women, you know. Nellie's

same. A bit shy and retiring.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll arrange for you to meet her
tomorrow.

Sort of accidental -like.

Right, Eli.

You're on.

Have another drink, Bernard.

Ah, that's better.

It's all right.

Hey, there.

Oh, you're there.

Hey up, Eli.

I think I've gotten frostbite. I've lost
all my feeling.

Oh, you'll be all right. Come on.

I'll give you a rub down with an oily
rag.

Whoa.

You'll be all right when I never get to
you. She'll warm you up.

When is she? Is she coming?

She'll be along in a minute.

So long. I'm that worried, Eli.

Winter comes.

I'm not sure I'll be able to get it out.

Get what out?

What you told me to say about asking her
for a date.

Hey, Bernard, you don't want me to ask
her for you, do you?

Would you?

Oh, come on, Bernard, there's no to it.

I'll tell you what, try asking me.

But I don't want a date with you.

Look, pretend that I'm our Nellie and
you're, well, you're you.

Now, what do you say?

I'll do, Nellie.

By the cranes, what a smooth -lining
batter.

There's an old girl safe round here from
you.

Look, Vernon, sat next to her, eh?

Let your hand slide gently towards hers.

You caress her fingers with yours.

Morning, Vicar.

You gaze tenderly into her eyes.

Vernon, gaze tenderly into my eyes, you
bloody great clot!

I feel so bloody daft.

There's no to it. You'll get into it.
The scene is set.

You're there.

You're caressing her hand with your
fingers.

You're gazing tenderly into her eyes.

You've told our Nellie what a fragrant
flower she is.

She's all yours, Vernon.

She's mesmerised by your smooth line of
talk.

Vernon, what do you say?

Grand weather for time of year?

Oh, bloody Nora.

I'll have to leave you now.

Our Nellie's coming along the prom.

Is this her, then?

Well... Not exactly.

What do you mean, not exactly?

Well, when I mean not exactly, I mean
definitely.

Is your Nellie out like her, then?

Not really.

She's more like that.

Well, the bloody hell's that.

That's our Nellie.

Come and meet her.

Ah, Nellie. I'd like you to meet a fella
of mine I've just bumped into

accidentally. Oh.

Er, Vernon Smallpeace, our Nellie. Oh,
how do you do? You haven't had the

pleasure of me yet, have you, Mr
Smallfry?

Smallpeace? Yes, peace.

Yeah, Vernon was just asking me to go
out and have a drink with him, weren't

you? What, that? Oh.

Ah, yes. And he'd like you to come along
before you go back to the digs. Oh,

thank you, very glad. I'd be mortified
at the pleasure, Mr Godpeace.

Smallpeace. Yes, please. Now, come on.
There you go. Where do we go?

Very good, eh?

Get some good turns here, you know.

Yes. Do you do a turn, Mr Little Bit?

Small piece.

Oh, is he?

Well, I've done a bit.

A bit.

Don't be so modest, Vernon. This lad
here did the Maid of the Mountains twice

nightly in Accrington. A standing
ovation.

How very fertile of you.

Well, I'll get him in.

Again.

Oh, only a small one for me, Mr Big
Piece.

Hey, small piece.

Oh, pardon me.

I don't want to be intoxicated.

Hey, Nellie, come here.

I've got something to tell you about
Vernon.

You have ticked this fancy.

Well, I pledge.

I don't know such thing.

Get off. Sticks out a mile.

Well, I've never noticed anything.

Do you really think so, though?

Yes. OK, sit.

Here we are.

That's it.

I've just seen two pounds of mine in the
other bar.

I'll go and buy him one. No, no, no,
don't bother.

No, it's no bother. You two,

Vernon. I'll see you later.

Hello, lads. Hi.

I was... I was just thinking.

Oh?

What were you thinking?

I, uh...

Grand weather for the time of year.

Yes.

What have they all done with you two?

You've got fishes like an open grave.

Aye. You know that big hotel we booked
into?

Hmm? Where Bert and me was going to have
a holiday of a lifetime.

Aye. They thought it was too late.

Aye, but they chucked us out.

He started it, you know. Did he? Oh, I
don't know what he did.

No. He sent the wine back because he
hadn't got a head on it.

Well, for that money, when he finished
it off, when the head waiter made him

his tie round his neck.

What the hell's wrong with that?

Well, they were holding his trousers up
at the time.

And now we've got nowhere to go.

We've been everywhere.

They're all full up.

And we've told them all, you know, we've
got plenty of money.

Oh, I see.

You've got plenty of money, have you?

Aye.

Leave it to little Eli.

Oi, Kavasutra, come here.

I'll have a drab buoy in a pipe pot.

So you're in pickling too?

Oh, hi, that's right.

Do you like pickling?

Oh, yes.

Nothing gives me so much pleasure.

Do you, um, do you pickle with your
wife?

No. No, I'm not married.

Oh, I see.

I'd have thought you'd have had your
nuptials attended to a long time ago.

No, no, not me.

Oh.

So there's no Mrs. Big Piece and no
little pieces running

around in little short pants then?

Fancy. So you're what they'd call an
illegitimate bachelor.

Oh, you're a messy eater.

I'm still hungry, Eli.

Haven't you got anything else?

I can't pinch out more out the kitchen,
can I?

You've had six tins already.

But they've all been pineapple chunks.

Well, you was all pineapple chunks.

Aye.

That's funny.

I've had six tins of baked beans.

Oh, that's nice. It's going to be a wet
and windy night, isn't it? What do you

expect for five pounds a night?

Aye, each.

Here. Hope you don't get into trouble,
you know, if the landlady finds out.

Oh, don't worry about her.

I can handle her all right.

Down, down, down. Come on, quickly. Get
in.

Here, hurry up. Hurry up.

Oh, Eddie's all right.

Oh!

Ned?

Can I come in?

something to give you before you go to
sleep.

No lights, please, Mrs. Rowbottom.

Oh, you prefer it in the dark, do you?

I prefer the moonlight.

Moonlight?

That's a street light.

Oh, you were just teasing me, weren't
you?

Yeah, I thought you might like something
to help you drop off, you know, so I

brought you some cocoa and biscuits.

Shall I put it on the chair, shall I?
Yes, please.

There you are.

Oh.

It's getting quite close in here now,
isn't it?

Yeah.

I like your justice.

Oh, good.

That's better out than this, isn't it?

Oh, are you liking the room, are you?
Yeah. Good.

The bed?

Yeah. I'm afraid it is a bit big, just
for one. Well, I like to spread my legs

bit.

It was really designed for two.

At least.

You know, I've always wanted to meet a
nice fellow with healthy prospects.

Ever since Mr. Rowbottom fell off the
North Pier.

You know, that night he was made
president of the Buffs. Oh, pity he

president of the swimming club, isn't
it?

Oh, sorry.

Did I hurt you? No, it was a bit
unexpected.

Mr.

Fletch, you do like to spread your legs,
don't you?

I thought you felt that way.

Oh, no.

Oh, Mr. Fairchild.

You are getting hot, aren't you?

Oh, dear.

I wonder who that was.

Lily. I'd been followed by a fella all
the way from the pictures.

I could feel his hot breath on the back
of my neck on the bus, and I wouldn't

care, but he were four seats behind.

I'll have to go and find out.

Now, drink your cocoa.

It will give you strength.

Right. Who's been smoking in bed?

Did you enjoy the picture, Nellie, love?

Well, it was called Un homie et un femi.

What does that mean?

It means a man and a woman.

Well, what was it about?

Is he asleep?

Yeah.

Well, how shall I say?

Imagine there's a man.

And a woman.

Like you and Walter.

Oh, not exactly like you and Walter, you
see, because they were French, you see.

And he wore perfume.

Oh.

Oh, I can't drop the stitch.

Drop the stitch?

That's nothing to the stitches they
dropped.

Before you could cast one stitch on,
they'd cast every stitch off and they

a bed together.

Oh, do they, Carrie?

Are you sure he's asleep?

Yes, love, we're probably a bit awind.

Now, go on, what were you saying about
this French man and woman? How did it

end? Well, I don't rightly know, you
see, because this girl on me right, you

see, she was chewing glassy mints, you
see, like this.

Well, I mean, I couldn't hear what I was
reading.

Then, the fella on this side of me puts
his hand on me leg, like that.

What did you do?

I said, here, here.

He says, where, where?

And did you... To another seat?

I couldn't. You see, my watch was faster
than his button. Eh?

No, the button's on his cuff.

Then it's just as if I haven't had
enough of it. A fellow behind gives me a

on the shoulder and says, Shut up, you.

So I said, shut up, you.

I gave him two for one. When I looked
round, the picture had finished.

Well, what did you do?

Same for the manager.

And what did he do?

Well, he must have been a friend of his.

Because he chucked me out.

It's a good thing Vernon wasn't with me.

I want to know where to put my face.

Is this this fellow you've met?

Have you fallen for him?

I don't know. I mean, how would I know?

Well, I only know that with Walter and
me, well, it was love at first sight.

You should know yourself whether you're
in love with him or not.

Well, I don't know. I mean, all I can
say is that when I first met him, well,

he...

Gave me a feeling.

Oh,

Mrs Broadbottom.

Could I have my cocoa?

For three?

You were saying, Nellie?

Yes.

Now, look, I don't want you to think I'm
nosy and too far.

But is it the first time you've ever had
it?

No, I've had it before.

Who did you get it off?

Christopher Plummer in The Sound of
Music.

Let's see here.

I think I'll be going upstairs.

This new living bra, I think it's gone
to sleep on my chest.

Stick it to be sunburned. We'll be up as
well.

Come on, Walter.

Nighty -night.

Mind the bugs don't bite.

Oof, the muck in here.

Stanley?

Stanley! Stanley!

Oh, sorry, Mrs. Rowbottom.

It's you, Walter.

There.

Oh. Can't you sleep, Mr. Pledge?

Stan? Stop messing about and get into
bed, will you?

You are.

Nothing that you've got.

Eli.

Oh, the flaming hell are you?

I'm birth and sure.

You what?

How do you do?

Get off.

Oh,

me mother.

No, it's me.

Oh, Miss Nellie.

Oh,

Miss Nellie, Miss Nellie. Get off, will
you? Come on, come on. Get out of here.

Come on. Let's have you out. Come on.

Come on, now, then.

Where's your mate? Now, come on. Come
on, where is he? He's here.

Hey, who's this? Is this your first
reserve?

First reserve?

Mrs. Rockbottom, what are you trying to
incinerate?

These two have been with me many years.

Have they?

No wonder they can hardly keep their
eyes open. Here, I heard you talking

downstairs, but seeing is believing.

Now, I've warned you about the carrying
on in my boarding house.

I mean, I wouldn't mind, but they're not
paying for it.

They'll pay for it. Oh, when I think of
that fine, upstanding brother of yours,

how he has remained untarnished with you
about.

He's got a lot to answer for.

Oh, oh, yes. Oh, and that's typical of
your type.

Good night, Earl.

You could get 25 years for that.

Oh, Nellie.

Mrs. Rowbottom.

Is she going to tuck us in?

Tuck us in? You big freeze -arm pit.
She's going to tuck us out. Nellie,

Nellie. Go on, go on. And you two, the
holiday's over.

Go on, get gone and get home quickly.

Oh, Nellie, Nellie.

Did you all find it very invertebrating?
Yes, Miss Sally.

Well, on with the pickling.

We've just had a big export order come
in from Wakefield.

Oh.

Milk, Sam.

What's up?

You dodgy duck. You put no... You're
going to eat.

But all I'm asking for is a bit more
time.

The horses haven't been running for me.

No, I know.

Neither have the dogs.

But... Are you sure that's how much I
owe you?

By the left.

I promise you, I'm on to a sure thing.
I'm working on it. And this one's got

legs. It could be the best business deal
I ever made.

Pickle speaking.

This is Nellie Pickle. I mean, Nellie
Pledge.

Hello, Nellie.

It's Vernon here.

Oh, have we come up on the pool?

No, no, no, no. Not Vernon's.

Vernon.

Vernon from Blackpool.

Oh. Oh, Mr. Big Piece.

Well, just call me Vernon, Nellie. I
mean, we are friends, aren't we? Oh,

indelibly. How nice of you to call me up
on the telephone, Vernon.

I was just sitting here.

Thinking and, well, I've missed you
since Blackpool.

Oh, have you? I was just wondering if I
could come round and call on you. See

you. Take you out, perhaps.

A day in the country.

Oh, I don't know. I'll have to think
about it. Yes.

You all right?

Yeah. I think I've got myself a
mischief.

I've got this lump.

Well, this is where you'll be working.

The parlour.

More private than the factory.

Eli, I suppose your sister does know
that I'm going to be your secretary.

Yeah, well, that will be your first job,
you see. We'll write her a letter.

You can type.

Well, I've done a bit with one finger.

And my last boss said I had a lovely
touch.

That's what I like to hear.

Now, this desk. Let's have a look.

Oh, Eli.

Wait to get on the job.

Hey, where would you like to have it?
Under the window.

I don't mind where we have it, Eli.

What's going on in here, in our best
parlour?

And when did the cat drag her in?

Frida is my new secretary.

Secretary?

We can't afford to have some flighty bit
sat sitting on her brain doing squiggly

writing.

Short hands, short ass.

I know your tricks.

luring young girls in here into the
parlour like a spider to your fly.

She is my new secretary, and she is
working in here.

She is not parking her bits and pieces
in this parlour where my dad was lay

lying stretched out in his coffin.

You never flame and use it.

You big girl's blouse.

Parlours are not for using.

They are for keeping.

For what? For things, like birthdays and
funerals.

And when we have them all round for
Christmas.

Oh, aye. Like that Christmas, eh? When
me Auntie Ethel came round. She sang one

chorus of White Christmas and all the
bloody soot fell down the chimney.

Shut up, you.

Shut up, you.

Come out.

Who?

Pardon me.

Well, you've had your fling.

You can get right back in there and tell
Flashlight Fanny to sling a hook.

I know what she's after.

I only hope you're right.

I don't think she could use a
typewriter. She'd get trapped in the

She can do the job.

Flat on the back. I can see what she is.
All falsified.

False hair, false eyelashes, false
fingernails. Oh, and all that

you can tell her never to dorken my dark
step again.

She's staying. She's not staying. She's
staying. She is not staying.

She can flame inflict in a flipping
flash.

Anyway, I haven't got time to argue with
you.

I have to get ready for my date.

You've got a date.

Yes, Vermin is going to call and take me
out. Always taking me out. I mean, he's

taking you out, is he? Yes, he's calling
here. And by the way, he was talking to

me on the telephone.

I wouldn't be surprised if very soon
he's going to put it to me.

Bye.

Oh, it's terrible and it stinks.

No,

I can't go through with it.

I'll emigrate.

That's what I'll do.

I'll go abroad where nobody can find me.
I'll flee the country.

Ah, there you are, Vernon.

Now, get impatient.

She knows you're here.

She'll be down in a minute. Come to...
Pop the question, have you? Well, I...

Don't be nervous.

Well, no, I can't. Of course you can.
There's nothing to it.

She's just waiting for it.

Give it to her straight.

Come on, lad. Sit down.

Would you like a couple of tablets,
would you?

I'm all over Twitter.

Oh, these heels.

Oh, lovely bloomers.

For you.

Oh, thank you.

Hey,

he's got a message for you.

Yes? Oh, there's no card.

Not that kind of message, you daft
old... Now, now, now is the hour.

Well, brother -in -law, I'll leave you
to it.

I'm off down to the spread eagle for a
pint. I'll come with you. Not just yet.

Get on with it.

you doing stood standing here?

If I keep him at it, I'll have my share

of the money.

Be out of here in no time.

I mean, you don't have to get down on
your knees.

Eh? I mean, to put it to me, I mean, you
can stay sat sitting if you like.

Nellie. Yes?

Nellie, will you...

Will you? Oh, I will. I do. I must. I
will.

Oh, say no more. Say no more.

Nellie, Vernon, here's to you.

And thank you, Vernon, for inviting us
out to your engagement party.

Well, I hope it's going to be worth
every penny. Good luck.

See, this place has changed since it was
the co -op cafe.

I mean, all those waitresses used to be
fellas.

Lily,

has he been just as well the way he's up
in all that?

Hey, I don't think most brothers are
going to take these trousers back.

Anything else you want at this table?
We'll have two of those with chocolate

sauce on.

Oh, look! He's filling it all down in.

Lily, I think you'd better do this,
because after all, he is your husband.

I doubt if he'd notice.

May I have the pleasure now?

You are?

Of this dance.

Oh, thank you very glad.

looking so happy.

Look at your face.

She's like a young girl again.

You come here often.

The music's loud.

I can't hear you, Nellie.

Often. You come here. You.

I can't hear a word you say.

did enjoy that.

Vernon's a lovely dancer.

I mean, you can always tell somebody,
you know, when they've got an ingrowing

sense of rhythm.

Did you know he was in the South East
Lancashire Formation dancing team?

By the look of him, I thought he was the
South East Lancashire Formation dancing

team.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and
welcome to the Starlight Club.

with Miss Mimi Lavea.

That's not Mimi Lavea.

That's Mabel Gartside.

Her mother did some funny appealing for
us, you know. She only lives up the

street. Oh, it's a shame.

Hello, Mabel.

Hi, Christina.

That's her being a stage dancer.

That's I heard of it. She was a bus
conductor.

She can punch my ticket any time she
likes.

Lovely dancer, though. I bet she does a
good turn.

Oh, she dropped the glove.

What's she doing there? Just standing
there, scratching her back.

Oh, no, it's a zipper. It's broken.

She's picking them up.

She's one of those strict teethers. I'll
bet her mother doesn't know.

It'll put her in hospital when I tell
her.

Get off her, Mother Nose.

She's getting her share of the brass,
I'll tell you. Saw a pickling in a mink

coat the other day, I did.

Neighbor Guts, I should tell our Eli
that your mother doesn't know about what

you're doing, does she?

And don't you wag your bottom at me,
otherwise I'll tan it for you.

And Fermi, don't you look at her.

She's doing things that no man should
see with the lights on.

You see him in the street?

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Oh, no.

You're not taking any more off. Get
behind there, you little... Is

she with you?

No, I've never seen her before. I
thought she was partly out. Oh, yeah.

She's with us, yes.

Oh, God!

this morning.

What a night that was.

And I've got his bachelor night to look
out for.

Well, Vernon shouldn't have taken us to
a place like that.

What the hell did you want to get us
chucked out for?

What the hell's up with you?

Just making sure there's nobody about,
you see.

Because I want to have a private
conflagration with you.

What about the wedding ceremony?

Oh, not the wedding itself.

About... After.

After? Hmm.

On the night time.

You know.

I mean, what's he going to do when he
sees me?

Stood standing there.

In me shift.

Catch the next bloody boat to China, I
shouldn't wonder.

Don't talk soft.

I mean, I'm in the midnight of me life.

And I mean, nothing's ever happened to
me.

In the afternoon.

I just don't know what to do.

What to do about what?

About, you know, thingy.

You mean the opposite sex?

Shut up. Did my dad tell you?

I did ask you once.

I said to him, Dad, I feel I'm growing
up and I'd like to know where I come

from.

And what did he say?

He looked me up and down and he said, I
keep asking myself the same bloody

question.

What did our ma 'am tell you?

Nothing. Well, did you ever ask her?

Yes.

She said she'd tell me after I turned
21.

Well, what did she tell you when you
turned 21?

Well, she said, if I didn't know then, I
never bloody would know.

Well, I'm waiting.

Well, Nellie, it's a bit difficult, you
know. I mean, you see, men

are different to women.

I know men are different to women, Duff
Clot.

I mean, I've read books and I've been to
the art gallery. I've seen these

statues, you know.

There's one just as you go in.

Ooh, these sculpturers.

They don't know when to stop chiselling,
do they?

I suppose that statue is what you call a
Greek god.

I don't know if he were Greek, but he
was a big lad.

Well, what's worrying you then?

Well, I'm going to get married next
week, aren't I? I don't want Vernon to

disappointed.

If you're going by that statue in the
art gallery, it's you that's going to be

bloody disappointed.

Oh, shut up.

Don't want to wake another up. Not
tonight because it's the night before

wedding, you see.

Hey, you won't get much sleep tomorrow
night.

Wash your mouth out with soap, you dirty
old man. You dirty, dirty old man.

Use this.

Oh, we're going.

Here, we're going. We're going.

Can't find the bloody old.

Oh. Here.

Oh.

I've dropped the key. I've dropped the
key down the bloody bed.

Oh.

How are we going to get in? How are we
going to get in? I don't know.

I've got an idea.

Have you?

Round the corner, round the corner. Come
on, we'll go round the corner. Round

the corner.

There is a tower in the town, in the
town.

I'll get my leg in. I can't get my leg
in. Get the other one in. I've got your

leg in. Where are you?

I'm here.

Get me in. Come on, I'll get you in.

I'll get you in.

I've got you in.

Come on.

Who's turned the lights off?

You've got a noon on your head.

A what?

You've got an urn on your head.

I've never seen that before.

Hey, you and Ellie bought it today for
your mum and dad's grave.

Yeah. It's got something written on it.
What does it say, Stanley?

It says, to mum and dad, united forever.

Had dad a lot like that?

Why not?

He was a bloody city supporter.

Here we are.

That door opened.

Hey, be careful now.

Hey, don't squeeze him like a lemon.

There's all the juice out of him now.

Come on now. He wants to go.

Here, come on. Here you go.

It's the first of the left down the
passage. That's the idea.

Where's that champagne?

Get champagne.

Derek, we're going to have a party. All
right. Yes.

We're going to have a party like they
did.

In Paris in the 1800s. Ooh!

A private room at Maxime's. Ooh,
Maxime's. We'll drink it out of a lady's

slipper. Aye.

Aye, aye, aye. What?

Where did you get that?

I pinched it off that stripper we saw at
Club of the Night. Ooh!

Anyway, we'll have a nice drink.

Wait a minute, I'm trying to get the
cock out. Ooh, isn't that nice? Ooh,

at that. It's fruity, isn't it?

Aye. Is it fruity? Aye.

Aye, I enjoyed that. You were in it
then?

Is it? I was like, ready then.

Aye, that's smooth.

I never felt it go down.

Can I have a drink?

Aye, but be very careful because it's
very volatile.

Is it? Oh, terribly, terribly.

I think it is raining then.

Oh, I'm wet.

Oh, I'm all wet.

I'm all wet, I'm all wet.

Oh. I'll have to take my trousers off,
Stanley. Hey, hey, hey. You, you, you,

you sweat for me like that girl at the
club.

I'll show you. I put a musical.

I put a musical.

Go, baby, go.

Go.

Yeah, Maula.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Go on, go on. Go on, go
on.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh!

Go on, go on.

Ha,

ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Yeah! Oh, it's you! You flaming rent -a
-grade!

Get out of there!

And you!

as Mr Eli.

Right, Claude.

Hey, Claude. Yes, sir.

Set my braces on my shoulders, will you?
Yeah, I will.

I'll tell you what, I'll do them up for
you. Oh, tell her you like. I'm very

good at doing up braces.

Are you? I always do me man's for her.
For your man?

Aye.

What a funny woman.

Well, hurry up. I've got to get dressed.

Here I am, Mr Eli.

Oh, you, sir.

Sorry. Is that right?

Oh, no, that's not right, is it?

What's the matter?

You're joking me. Pardon? I can't hear
you. You're joking me. Oh, I'm sorry.

There it goes.

There it goes.

Is that right now?

What are you talking about? Will you get
off me?

Now, if I take that like that, go like
that.

All right.

Now, if I go out like that.

There you are. Oh, no, Mr. Eli, please.
Oh, Mr. Eli, no, Mr. Eli. Oh, please,

Mr. Eli, no, please. Look, will you get
me out of it?

If you're supposed to take it down like
that, it'll go like that.

It's not quite right. Get off me!

You've done enough, Danny. Come on,
Danny, outside.

Go on, off it. Get off, get off.

Here they are, Sleepy, Grumpy and Dopey.
Go and sit down, you.

Hey, hey, how do I look?

You look fine. How do I look? I don't
know. I can't see yet.

Oi. What?

Swap hats, you gretators.

Oh, aye, yeah. Here.

Ah,

that's better.

Now, who's got the buttonholes?

I don't know. Mr. Eli.

Mr. Eli.

Oh, bloody Norris. That's one of them.

Get up. Come out of it.

We can't wear these. They're all broke,
look.

Hang on.

I'll tell you what.

Look.

Take these. Put one of those in your
buttonhole.

Here. Here you are, one for you.

Hey, these are plastic.

Oh, shut your mouth. You're a Russian,
not a bridesmaid, aren't you? Go on, get

off. Go on. Get lost. Go on. Hop it. Go
on. Mr. Eli, you can have mine.

Oh, thanks very much.

That idiot.

Well, this is it, Ferdinand. Point of no
return. Journey into the unknown. Stop

saying that, Eli. The union of two great
pickling factories, and I'll let you

run both concerns.

I don't like apple.

Which is apple?

Hey.

And as I'm a sleeping partner, I'll let
you know where to send me money every

week. Sees me fine, Eli.

Bloody

hell,

Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire.

Come on, love. Down you get.

How do I look?

You look radiant, love.

Never thought I'd see the day.

Mrs. Vernon's small piece.

Come on, love.

Vernon's war piece. Yes.

Well, I am a court bailiff.

I've come here to arrest you for
ignoring a court order to pay a debt.

Well, I'm just getting married. Then I
can settle it all up. You what? I'm

afraid you'll have to postpone your
wedding.

You've got to come with me.

You can't arrest him.

He's a very wealthy old pickle
manufacturer.

A former old pickle manufacturer who is
now a bankrupt.

He owes money all over Lancashire, that
fellow.

I thought you were going to put money
into the firm, not take it out.

You'll be lucky.

We know you are. You won't have a
factory left.

Who are you?

What in Lancashire lay about?

Do you mean to tell me you were only
marrying her for her money? Can you

of another reason?

You'll probably do me a favour. Come on.
And if they ever let you out, don't you

come back here.

How the hell am I going to tell them?

Where's he gone?

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together
here in the sight of God and in the

face of this congregation to join
together this man and this woman in holy

matrimony. Excuse me, Your Reverence.

No, no, I can't be joined to him in holy
matrimony. You see, I only live with

him. You see, I mean, I can't marry him.

He's my brother.

Excuse me, Matt.

There's been a bit of a hitch, love.

A bit of a hitch? What do you mean?

Where's Vernon?

He's gone.

Gone? Well, he's coming back.

No, he's not, love.

Well, I thought... You see, it's all
over.

They've arrested him.

He owed money all over the place.

Well, I thought... So did I.

But to tell you the truth, Millie, it's
not the youth that he wanted.

It's the factory.

He wanted to get himself out of trouble.

Well, he never wanted.

No, he didn't, love.

Made a right fool of myself, I hope.

Have you ever lied?

No,

you haven't. Have a good cry if you want
to.

I'm not crying.

It's like my mum said, there's not a
fellow worth crying over.

I've said my dad.

Oh, come on, love.

Well, at least I got something out of
it.

What? A sideboard full of presents.

And if they want them back, well, I
mean, at least I'll have had them once.

Aye.

You've still got me.

Yeah, God help me.

Well, come on, let's collect that lot
and let's get home and have the do.

You're not still having the do.

We've got to have somebody to help us to
eat all that boil down.

Come on.

Just a minute, you're supposed to be on
my right.

All right.

Come here, here. Get that on you. What
are you playing at? Get off!

You bow -legged bruised boy. Who are you
calling names? You knock -kneed,

knackered old nosebag. You big, pleased
armpit. Oh, I see. That's it, is it?

Showing your temper after me, that's
what you're doing, aren't you? Oh, give

over. I'll show you in verse.

Oh, yes.

You are my nearest and dearest, you see.

And you mean all the world to me.

When you are by my side, the shadows run
and hide.

Oh, how great it can be.

You are my nearest and dearest, you know
And I need you wherever I go And

when you hold my hand It's like a
wonderland You know that I love you so I

the day comes soon When we'll be always
together You and me, you know that you

will be My nearest and dearest forever

Can't you see? God, I love you. Come
rain or come shine.

And I know you will always be mine.

I want the world to see that you will
always be the nearest and dearest to me.