All language subtitles for Nearest and Dearest (1972)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

# You are my nearest
and dearest you see

# And you mean all the world to me

# When you are by my side

# The shadows run and hide

# Oh, how great it can be

# You are my nearest
and dearest you know

# And I need you wherever I go

# And when you hold my hand

# It's like a wonderland

# You know that I love you so

# I hope the day comes soon

# When we'll be always together

# You and me

# You know that you will be

# My nearest and dearest forever

# Oh, can't you see

# Because I love ya

# Come rain or come shine

# And I know you will always be mine

# I want the world to see

# That you will always be

# My nearest and dearest to me #

(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES)

Miss... No!

(WHISTLES)

Miss!

Miss!

I say...

Miss!

(WOLF-WHISTLES)

I say...

Miss!

Just...

Miss!

Miss!

Keep up.

I say...

Miss!

(WHISTLING)

Hang on just a minute, darling.

You see...

I-I say...

Could you spare a minute?
You see, what I wanted to do.

Oh, heaven help me!

A woman can't
walk the street these days.

Hello there.

I've got something for you.

Oh... Have you now?

Don't expect me to fall for that.

How do I know
you're not the Boston Dangler?

If you've got anything for me, you
can stick it through the letterbox.

- It might be too big.
- Well, I'm not opening the door.

So you'll just have to
try and squeeze it through.

All right then,
but be ready to get all of it.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Oh, I'm a fool.

Oh, thank you very glad.

(LAUGHING)

Dad?

Dad?

Dad?

Oh...

..he's gone at last.

- No, I bloody haven't.
- Oh, Dad!

- I thought you'd gone.
- Well, I haven't.

I am glad you haven't.

I've brought you some lovely
black pudding for your tea.

How long left till tea time?
I suppose I'll enjoy 'em.

Now, keep your hands off this sheet.

You're too bloody quick
with it all together.

Well, he keeps
telling me you're going.

Well, I might be,
but I'm not in any hurry.

You'll know when I'm going,
I'll take my teeth out.

You'll what?

You'll do it.

If you're not being
laid out in the parlour then,

if you take your teeth out, you're
going to be laid out in the kitchen.

I shall have to be.
Them teeth are promised.

Promised?

Yes, to old Stan Hardman.

Stan Hardman? What the hell's
he going to do with them?

What the hell do you think
he's going to do with them?

Oh, it's in-sanitary.

Stick them in Harpic overnight,

there's years in these teeth yet.

Hey, any news of our Eli?

No. Nice, isn't it, eh?

15 years he's been away,

and he can't come home
to see his father go.

- Have you tried to get in touch?
- Of course I have.

Trekked all the way to Manchester,
I did, to the newspaper office.

And I told the
young woman there, I said,

I wanted to put
my brother in her smalls.

Oh...

..you put one of them come home
advertisements in, did you?

Mm.

Well, I forget.

Can our Eli read?

Oh, of course he can.

Don't you remember?
We taught him to read in the army.

Well, I hope he's
not late for the funeral.

(SHE CHUCKLES)

I don't think he will be.

I've never known
our Eli miss a good do.

Here you are, Freda -
fried cod, chips and mushy peas.

But you said you were
taking me out to dinner?

Well, you're out, aren't you?
And there's your dinner.

Ow, they're hot!

Well, that won't be
the bloody same for you tonight.

For the third time tonight,
that's not the gear lever.

Sorry.

- Here, Eli.
- What?

It says here that you're wanted.

Wanted? Who'd want me?
Not the police.

No, it's your sister, Nellie.

Bloody Nora, that's even worse.

Hey, let's have a look. Where?

It's there.
Where the vinegar's soaked through.

Oh, aye.

Says I've got to get home
as quickly as possible.

Me dad's snuffing it.

You'd better get out, love.

All right. Well, I mean...

..you'll have to be there
before he goes.

Hey, sooner than that.

Before he makes his will out.

He never could spell my bloody name.

Go on, out you get.

- All right.
- Go on.

You can't just leave me here.
I haven't even got my bus fare.

- Can't you give me anything?
- Here...

..take these. You might be able
to flog 'em back to the chippy.

Oh!

You're a fine one, aren't you?

Fancy leaving me here.

These are all the brews.

Each one I give you
their own every morning.

What's in them?

It's sugar and tea.
You know, all mixed up.

And what do I have to do with them?

Well, you put them in teapot
and pour water on them.

That's easy enough.

- Hey, not like that!
- Oh.

No. You empty them into teapot.

Oh well, why didn't you say so?

Well, I thought you'd have guessed.

That water's got
to be boiling, and all.

Oh, there's a lot to it,
isn't there?

I hope I remember it.

More vinegar, Vera.

Helping you to
get it all in, is he?

Oh, he can't keep it up
at his age, though.

- That's his trouble.
- Well, he knows how it's done.

I've seen the day when
he had 24 women under him

on this factory floor.

I've had me ups and downs.

Scarlet O'Hara.

What's that you nearly got on, eh?
Is it a frock?

Or a big Elastoplast?

Oh, it's my mini-miniskirt,
Miss Nellie.

Mm. Well, I wouldn't go out
in that, if I were you.

You could very easily get chapped.

Put your eyes back
in your head, you.

Now, look what you've done.

You've made this
unfit for human combustion.

I'm the new tea lad.

They said I'd have to
start at the bottom.

Oh, yes?

What are you trying to do?
Make us bankrupt, Jed?

Well, it's only me second job.

Yeah? Well, what were you
in your last job?

A brain sturgeon?

(SHE SHRIEKS)
(CLATTERING)

(BRIGHT MUSIC)

Stanley Hardman.

Don't you think you're being a bit
previous with that black armband?

- Hasn't he gone yet, then?
- Eh?

He promised 'em me, you know.

I'm having neck end
for me tea tonight.

I've not been able
to chew it for years.

Well, you'll just
have to wait, won't you?

And stop waving
that flag at half mast.

He might see you.
What was it you were wanting?

Well, I'd like to talk to you
about my career at Pledge's Pickles.

After.

After what?

After he's snuffed it.

Don't talk like that about him.
That's awful.

I mean, he's still hot in his bed,
not cold in his grave.

He's not up there yet, you know,
in the great behind.

So get that horse in that
flaming stable, will you?

This is a yard
you're stood standing in,

not a flaming rhubarb patch.

Yes, Miss.

(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)

Oh, so you managed
to get back here, then?

- Yes.
- Oh.

Hey, I'm not too late.
He's not gone, has he?

No, he's upstairs,
if you want to catch him.

What you wearing the black coat for?

Are you rehearsing?

So, after 15 years it's back, eh?
(SCOFFS)

I was thinking of you
the other day

when I went to see that picture,
'The Sound of Music.'

- Oh, yes?
- Mmm.

Did I remind you of the hero?

No, it was that song they sang,
'Idle Swine' (!)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I'll say this for you, Nellie...

..after 15 years,
you have not changed, love.

- Have I not?
- You're still as bloody ugly.

- You've changed.
- Have I?

Hmm.

Who lifted it for you?
McAlpines?

Well, did you
get married or anything?

Well, I didn't get married.

I don't know about anything.

What are you going to tell
your wife when you do get married?

I mean, all these women...

..your wife will want to know
where you've been.

I mean, I'd want to know
where my fella's been.

God knows where you've been.

I'm your sister, and even I
don't know where you've been.

Where have you been?

Oh, here and there.

Mostly there.

- How about you?
- Me?

Isn't it oblivious?

I've been stood standing
at that factory pickling all day,

while he's been
lay lying up there dying.

I don't mean that,
you daft old ratbag.

I mean, did you never get wed?

No, I didn't want...
Well, I wanted, but...

What about that Horsenacker
you were going out with?

Hossnack?

That man was a veterinary sturgeon.

That man had healing hands.

- He taught me a thing or two.
- Oh, did he?

And how about that late preacher
that was... sniffing around?

Sniffing around?

You should wash your mouth out
when you intone that man's memory.

That man went as a missionary
to Darkest Niagara.

(HE LAUGHS)

He must have put the bloody wind up!

I shall inhale that remark.

Now listen, have you
come here to insult me,

or have you come home
to see your dad? Which or both?

I'm blowing up now.

He could have snuffed it while
you were nattering on down here.

Oh, he certainly hasn't,
you big belly brewer's boil.

Oh look, it's ten-past...

Must get a little hand
put on this watch.

(FOOTSTEPS UPSTAIRS)

- It's the anointed hour.
- You what?

(TOILET FLUSHES UPSTAIRS)

It's the only pleasure
he has these days.

(GENTLE MUSIC)

Dad?

Dad?

- Who is it?
- It's me.

Who the hell's Mr Me?

Don't you recognise me?

The new window cleaner?

Am I hell as like
the new window cleaner?

It's me, Eli.

He's young, ain't he?

I was younger than me when I left.
I tell you, it's Eli.

How do I know you're Eli?

You might have come to steal
the secret of me gherkins.

You great galloping clog-eye.

I don't want to get
me hands on your gherkin.

Eli! Eli, you've come back!

Hey, good old man.

You're not exciting him, are you?

- Exciting him?
- Yeah.

If he goes on like that much
longer, I'll be in there with him.

He's come back, Nellie.

Our Eli.

Now see what you've done.
He's had a prolapse.

- Better have a pill.
- Is he on the pill?

I don't want a pill.

Now, you know what
Dr Harpwright said.

You've got to have it
three times a day.

- No wonder he's bloody flagging.
- Come on, swallow it.

I can't, I'm too dry.

It doesn't say anything about
dissolving it in a pint of bitter.

Come on, swallow it.

There you are. I told you.

- You awkward flamer.
- Let him suck it.

Suck it?

That pill is the product of years of
research by desiccated scientists.

Not a flamin' mint imperial.

- He can swallow it.
- He can't.

- He ain't got enough spit.
- I'll get him a glass of water.

There y'are.

See?
That wasn't difficult, was it?

Not at all.

Come on.

Just a minute.

I want a word with both of you.

Oh well, we haven't
got time, you know,

to be sat sitting
around here, you know.

We've got things to do, you know.
There's arrangements to be made.

What for?

Well, for... after.

After what?

After you've gone, Dad.

Oh.

Are you having a do at Spread Eagle?

No, I thought the...
the Brown Cow was nicer, really.

I mean, besides,
it's been all modernised.

I don't like that there Brown Cow.

Well, you won't be there, will you?

Hey, I've just had a thought.

Why don't we have do before he goes?

Then he can come with us.

That's a good idea.

Oh no, it wouldn't be right.

I mean, we couldn't say
what a good send-off we'd given you

with you sat sitting there,
sopping brown ale.

What have you done
about me headstone?

Oh, that'll be lovely.

It's says, um, "Tired he was,
and did not show it.

"Ill he was, and did not know it.

"He looked down
and thought it best--"

"To put him back
in the old oak chest."

Oh, shut up, you.

I'm looking forward to seeing that.

Before I go,
I want to make a last wish.

You won't have me
to look after much longer.

And when I've gone to meet
the great pickler in the sky,

I want you to find yourself
a right fella who'll marry you,

and you can spend the rest
of your days pickling together.

You'll promise me that, won't you?

Well, there's not
many picklers about, but...

..I promise.

- Dad?
- Yes, Frank?

Frank?

I'm glad you've come back, Frank.

Frank?

He has gone, hasn't he?

(SOLEMN MUSIC)

(CHURCH BELL TOLLS)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

There's room for
us two in there, you know.

Are you coming in?

I'm not going down there.

When I die, I'm donating
my body to medical science.

Oh, that's very nice, isn't it?

And what about on
the day of adjudication,

when Gabriel sounds his horn?

Where will you be, eh?

Scattered all over
the infirmary in jam jars.

You'll be better off
in there with us.

Hello, here they are -
Burk and Hare.

Oh, you got here last, then.

Well, you've just missed him.

Oh, has he been?

I think he's been.
(LAUGHING)

Took him a right
long time to find it.

I'll bet it did.

I suppose, uh... you'd like to throw
some soil at him, would you, Walter?

All right, then.

Not me, clog-head -

him!

He's been right looking
forward to coming here today.

Yeah, well it'll be a nice
day out for him, won't it?

By the look of him,

it's hardly worthwhile
him going home.

You'll not forget about
that overcoat, will you Nellie?

- What overcoat?
- You know... his.

You said that after the funeral,

that you would come in
for our Walter.

Oh, yes.

Well, he'll be on his way
up there now, won't he?

I mean, better
collect it when we get home.

Because, he...
should be there by then.

Oh no, love. Not so soon after.
Wouldn't be proper.

- No.
- I'll call for it tomorrow.

Yes.

- Well, he's gone now.
- Aye.

- Aye.
- We'll not see him again.

- No.
- No.

- He's with me mother now.
- That'll bloody teach him.

Oh, I don't know.

(ELI HUMMING)

Hey, look at the time.

Not hanging about here
with you lot, you know.

I want to get home
after the reading of the will.

That's just like you, isn't it?

Never happy unless
you've got your hand on it.

Wait for me.

(CHATTERING)

And you lot,
you've had your dinner hour.

Get back and get pickling.

(WORKERS GRUMBLING)

Dad, I don't know how
you could treat me so flatulent.

Leaving half the factory to him
as has been away 15 years,

when I've demoted the best
years of my life looking after you.

I don't want half share
in a pickle factory

that pongs from here to Morecambe.

I'd sooner sell up and get out.

But he did set up a trust fund.

£20,000.

Mind you, I'm not
surprised the way he left.

Look, the will says we've got to

keep the factory
going for five years.

We can't sell it till then.

(ELI SCOFFS)
I'll stink worse than Vinegar Vera.

Well, don't think I'm happy

to run the factory with a cunning,
conniving, codologist like you.

I don't know what
you two are moaning about.

He left us nowt.

I know, Lily.

I mean, after all,
you're only my second cousin.

- I mean, what do you expect?
- Come on, Walter.

What about that overcoat?

Well, it's hanging in the hall.

Hadn't you better go and
get it yourself Walter, eh?

- Is he still a blood donor?
- Now and again.

It's about time
he asked for some back.

Oh, the window to watch.

We're not stopping here
to be insulted.

Come on, Walter.

Oh, I don't know.

Fancy me -
stuck back here after 15 years.

Hey...

..have you still got this?

Ah, I mean, the boy with
one of his cherries missing.

I remember me dad winning that on
Blackpool Pleasure Beach.

He aimed at the target, missed it,

hit the boy and knocked
one of his cherries off.

Well, he won't be
going to Blackpool.

I booked the room for both of us,
you know - for next week.

Pity, you couldn't have
hung on a bit, dad.

Oh, that means
there'll be a free seat on.

Of course, I'm used to the
Costa del Sol, you know.

Well, I suppose Blackpool
will cost me nowt.

That's you all over, isn't it eh?
Jumping on a dead man's seat.

Ah well, now that
I'm back and running things,

there's going to be
a few changes made.

Eh, you won't be running it.

We'll both be running it.

There won't be
no changes made, either.

We're going to go on pickling
the same as Pledges

have pickled on this sod
since time immoral.

Nellie, I'm only thinking about you.

I mean, after 15 years,
you must be a bit knackered.

I am neither knackered,
knockered or knickered.

And any changes made here
will be made over my dog's body.

(BRIGHT CARNIVAL MUSIC)

(CHATTERING)

I told you. I told you.
This is the place.

- Oh...
- Come on, then! Come on.

(DOORBELL DINGS)

- Uh, Mrs Snowbottom?
- Rowbottom.

- I beg your paddle.
- Pledge?

Yes - "Pickled and pure."

Would you come this way, please?

Oh.

Hell's bells, Nellie.
I'm not stopping here.

We were nearer the sea
before we got on the train.

Just think yourself lucky
to be here in the first place.

I mean, you wouldn't be
getting here at all,

I mean, if it wasn't
for my generosity.

Oh, I know you're paying for it.

At least you can have let us
have a taxi from the station.

Keep calm. Keep calm.

Money is the root of all evil.

We're in Blackpool now.

Why don't you take a walk along
the promenade into God's green air,

and see the seagulls
flittering and fluttering

and dropping their little messages.

I mean, it's very
difficult for a rich man

to get a camel
through the eye of a needle,

but the poor man is always
welcome in the kingdom of heaven.

Is that where we're
bloody well going now?

(SOFT MUSIC)

(ELI COUGHS)

Here you are, number four.

Excuse me.

Oh, this is nice, this is.

Reminds me of Buckingham Palace.

Queen didn't have a room like this.

No, but they said
she just stood outside.

Where's my room?

What do you mean?
You're both in there.

You what? In one bed?

I'm not lay lying
in bed with him... touching.

Why not?

It's not polite.

Here, how long have
you two been married?

Married? Oh, but we're not married.

You're not married?

Well, you're not
staying under my roof.

This isn't Maj-orca.

No, I mean... you see,
we're not man and his wife.

We're man and his sister, you see.

His dad was my dad,
and my dad was his dad,

- and so was my mother too.
- What?

Well...

..can't you see the family likeness?

You see, she was born
when my dad was on short time.

Oh, so you're not married then?

- No.
- Oh, I'm a young widow myself.

Rhoda Rowbottom.

Mr Pledge, I've got
just the room for you.

- Have you?
- Yes.

You'll be all right back there.

Oh, will I?

Thank you, very glad, I'm sure.
Pardon me for breathing.

I'm sure you'll be
very comfortable in this bed.

- Will I?
- Yes.

It's interior sprung.
You know, it gives.

(ELI COUGHS)
RHODA: Hardly makes a sound.

Why don't you
come over here and try it?

- Oh, come on, try it.
- Oh.

There you are.

Come on, try harder.

You won't hurt it.

(ELI GIGGLES)
RHODA: Do you like it?

Oh, I love it.

I think I'm going to have
a good night tonight.

(BOTH GIGGLE)
I'd better be going.

- Oh, must you?
- Yes, I'll see you later.

Right.

What the hell are you playing at?

I've been having a bounce
on the bed with the landlady.

You'll get bounced up and down

if you don't behave
yourself this holiday.

Well, I've got a fat chance
of having a good holiday, haven't I?

I've got exactly 50 pence left.
(NELLIE CHUCKLES)

So after 15 years away,

your pockets are not
exactly lined with gold.

Only cigarette ends.

Ah well, you see...

..I've been labouring
under a very heavy burden.

Yes.

Oh, coming home from the pub.

If I've been boozing,

it's because I've been
boozing to forget.

To forget what?

- I don't remember.
- Oh, shut up, will you?

Now, this holiday,

I thought I'd do what
my mam used to do, you know.

What's that?

Put the money in separate envelopes.

Like, uh...
so much for presents,

so much for slot machines,

so much for pots of tea,
so much for deck chairs,

and so much for the landlady

for the lodgings
at the end of the week.

And Nellie?

And so much spending
money for our Eli.

Oh, ta Nellie. How much?

- 200.
- Pounds?

Pence.

Two quid? That won't go far
with the Blackpool jet set.

You think yourself lucky.
I'm only lending you that, you know.

Besides, you've got
a better room than I've got.

Oh, nearly forgot me envelopes.

Here y'are.
Hang about. That one's mine.

(NELLIE SHRIEKS)

Oh, that's mine.

Hey Nellie,
you've forgotten the...

This is your flaming case!

I was going to tell you you've
forgotten the housekeeping money.

5, 10, 15, 20, 25...

Hmm, I think I'd better
keep it safe in my pocket.

Yes, it'll be much safer there.

Oh, look out, Crumpet. Here I come.

Dear Dad.

Oh hell, Nellie, what are you
thinking about? You are a fool.

Ah...

Dear Auntie Bertha.

Off out, are you?

Uh... who, me?

Is that money
burning a hole in your pocket?

That money you gave me wouldn't
burn a hole in a string vest.

Oh, isn't it nice

to get away from ponging picklers
and mithering relations?

And it'll be nice to make
new friends and see new faces.

What, like these two, you mean?

Oh, no.

Well, if it's not
our Eli and our Nellie.

Oh, what in the hell in
incarnation are you two doing here?

Well, we're here
on our second honeymoon.

We're going to try to, um...

Well, you know...
recapture the moment.

Are you, Walter?

Are you going to try
to recapture it?

(NELLIE GIGGLES)

Do you think he'll remember it?

Come on, lover.
We're off to the beach.

May I leave the room now, please?

Oh, shut up.
Mind you don't spend too much money.

(ELI GRUMBLES)

(BRIGHT MUSIC)

This should show my manly powers.

All right, sir. Thank you.

Ooh, look at that. Ooh.
(BELL RINGS)

Ta!

I'm after you!

Here, short-arse.
You have a go. Go on.

Get hold of it. Come on.

(LAUGHS)

(RIDERS SCREAMING)

(CHATTERING)

There we go.

(BUZZER)

Eli!

Freda! Fancy me
knocking you out of bed.

Well, that show business, isn't it?

(ELI LAUGHS)

(BRIGHT MUSIC)

Hey, hey! Two more of the same,
with all the fruit salad.

Oh Eli, another one of them,
and I'll take off.

I hope so.

Oh, you must have really
got something out of that will

the way you're
splashing out tonight.

Mmm.

Mmm.

I think me pocket's sprung a leak.

Oh, Eli!

Be careful, love.
That's a tender spot.

Mmm.

Some of the blokes on the sideshows
aren't very good with their balls.

Oh, I'm fed up with
going in and out on that bed.

I'd do anything to get
a different sort of job.

- Anything?
- Anything. Anything at all.

How good are you
at taking things down?

- What do you mean?
- Cheeky!

I mean, like shorthand.

Well, I suppose I could learn.
Why?

Well, I'll tell you.
When I get home, you see,

I'm gonna make
Pledge's Pickles up to date.

Yes, I'm gonna
get myself a secretary.

I'm thinking of
giving some interviews.

Go on, then.

Interview me.

Go on.

Ask me a question.

When can you start?

As soon as you get back home.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh look, there's my friend Mavis.

You know, the sword swallower.

She looks half cut.

Listen, I won't be long.
I'm just gonna have a word with her.

- All right.
- Here, Eli...

..why do you need a secretary?

I thought you were trying
to get your half out of it

without having to work.

I've got to find some mug
that'll marry our Nellie.

I've got to fix that up first.

There you are.

The last one.

Oh, bloody hell!
There's that Vernon Smallpiece.

Vernon Smallpiece...

Nellie...

Well, well, if it isn't
Vernon Smallpiece. Remember me?

- Well, if it isn't Eli Pledge.
- I haven't seen you for years.

Not since that
pickling contest at Bellevue -

when me dad won first prize
for showing his champion gherkin.

(ELI LAUGHS)

Hey, are you still in
the pickling business in Oldham?

I am that, lad.

Well, it is nice
to see you again, Vernon.

Come and have a drink.

On holiday with the wife,
are you Vernon?

No, not me. I never got married.

Oh, fancy that.

Well, what about
that drink then, Eli?

Oh, there you are, Vernon.

No, I never had any time or patience
for mucking about with women.

But I must say, at times,
it does get a bit lonely.

No wonder you're bloody lonely.

Here, I suppose
at your time of life,

you must miss a little woman
round the house,

somebody to...
do the cooking for you.

Warm the slippers
in front of the fire.

Well, to tell you the truth, Eli,
for some reason,

women don't seem
to find me attractive.

I'm not surprised.
(CHUCKLING)

- Really?
- That's true.

I'm here on holiday
with my sister, you know.

Oh, I didn't know you had a sister.

She's not married, either.

Partners in the same
pickling business, we are.

Oh, owns half the firm, does she?

And not married, you say?

No.

Hey, would you like to meet Nellie?

Aye, I would.

What's she like?

Well now, how can I put it?

She's got all that
Raquel Welch has got, you know.

But it's just put
together a bit different.

Aye, but I'm a bit backward at
coming forward with women, you know.

Nellie's the same.
A bit shy and retiring.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll arrange for you
to meet her tomorrow.

Sort of accidental, like.

Right, Eli. You're on.

Have another drink, Vernon.

Ah, that's better.

Bloody Nora!

Hey there. Oh, you're there.

Hey up, Eli.
I think I've gotten frostbite.

I've lost all my feeling.

Oh, you'll be all right.
Come on.

I'll give you a
rub down with an oily rag.

Whoa!

You'll be all right
when our Nellie gets here.

- She'll warm you up.
- Where is she? Is she coming?

She'll be along in a minute.

I'm that worried, Eli.

When she comes, I'm not sure
I'll be able to get it out.

Get what out?

What you told me to say
about asking her for a date.

Oh Vernon, you don't want me
to ask her for you, do you?

Would you?

Oh, come on, Vernon.
There's nowt to it.

I'll tell you what. Try asking me.

But I don't want a date with you.

Look, pretend that
I'm our Nellie, and you're...

Well, you're you.
Now, what do you say?

How do, Nellie.

By the curtains,
what a smooth lining patter.

Is there no girl
safe round here from you?

Look, Vernon...

..you're sat next to her, see?

Let your hand
slide gently towards hers.

You caress her fingers with yours.

Morning, Vicar.

You gaze tenderly into her eyes.

Vernon, gaze tenderly into my eyes,
you bloody great clot!

I feel so bloody daft.

There's nowt to it.
You'll get into it.

The scene is set. You're there.

You're caressing her hand
with your fingers.

You're gazing
tenderly into her eyes.

You've told our Nellie
what a fragrant flower she is.

She's all yours, Vernon.

She's mesmerised
by your smooth line of talk.

Vernon, what do you say?

Grand weather for time of year.

Oh, bloody Nora.

I'll have to leave you now.
Our Nellie's coming along the prom.

Is this her, then?

Well... not exactly.

What do you mean, "not exactly"?

Well, I mean not exactly.
I mean definitely.

Is your Nellie 'owt like her, then?

Not really. She's more like that.

Who the bloody hell's that?

That's our Nellie.

Come and meet her.

Ah, Nellie.

I'd like you to meet a pal of mine
I've just bumped into accidentally.

Vernon Smallpiece, our Nellie.

Oh, how do you do?

You haven't had the pleasure
of me yet have you, Mr Smallfry?

- Smallpiece.
- Yes, please.

Vernon was just asking me

to go out and have
a drink with him, weren't you?

What, huh? Oh. Ah, yes.

And he'd like you to come along
before you go back to the digs.

Oh, thank you very glad.

I'd be mortified
of the pleasure, Mr Codpiece.

- Smallpiece.
- Yes, please.

So come on. There you go.

Well, I'm in here. Here we go.

Whoo-hoo!

(LIGHT PIANO MUSIC)

Very good, eh.
(LIGHT APPLAUSE)

Get some good turns here, you know.

Yes. Do you do a turn, Mr Littlebit?

Smallpiece.

Oh, is he?

Well, I've done a bit.

A bit. Don't be so modest, Vernon.

This lad here did the
'Maid of the Mountains'

twice nightly at Accrington.

A standing ovation.

How very fertile of you.

Well, I'll get 'em in... again.

Oh, um... only a small one
for me, Mr Bigpiece.

Hey, Smallpiece.

Oh, pardon me.
I don't want to be improxicated.

Hey Nellie, come here.

I've got something
to tell you about, Vernon.

You have tickled his fancy.

Eli Pledge!
I've done no such thing.

Get off! Sticks out a mile.

Well, I've never noticed anything.

- Do you really think so, though?
- Yes!

Here we are. That's it.

I've just seen two pals
of mine in the other bar.

- I'll go and buy 'em one.
- I'll come with you.

- No, no, no, don't bother.
- No, it's no bother.

Sit down, you daft tater.
I mean, Nellie love.

Uh, you too, Vernon.

I'll see you later.

(CHATTERING)

Hello, lads. How are you?

I was... I was just thinking.

Oh?

What were you thinking?

I, uh...

Grand weather for the time of year.

Yes.

What the hell's wrong with you two?
You've got faces like an open grave.

Ah, you know that big
hotel we booked into?

Where Burt and me was gonna
have a holiday of a lifetime.

Ah, before it were too late.

Well, they chucked us out.

- He started it, you know.
- Did he?

- Oh, do you know what he did?
- No.

He sent the wine back because
it hadn't got a head on it.

Well, for that money...

And he finished it off.

The head waiter made him
put his tie round his neck.

What the hell's wrong with that?

Well, they were holding
his trousers up at the time.

- And now we've got nowhere to go.
- Oh.

We've been everywhere.
They're all full up.

We've told them all, you know,
we've got plenty of money.

Oh, I see.

- You've got plenty of money, eh?
- Aye.

Leave it to little Eli.

Oi, Kama Sutra, come here.

I'll have a drambuie in a pint pot.

So you're in pickling, too?

Oh aye, that's right.

- Do you like pickling?
- Oh, yes.

Nothing gives me so much pleasure.

Do you, um...

..do you pickle with your wife?

No. No, I'm not married.

Oh, I see.

I'd have thought you'd have had
your nuptials attended to

a long time ago.

No, no, not me.

Oh...

So there's no Mrs Bigpiece,

and no Littlepieces running around

in little short pants, then?

Fancy.

So you're what they'd call
an illegitimate bachelor.

Hmm?

Oh, you are a messy eater.

Oh, ta.

Here...

..I'm still hungry, Eli.

Haven't you got anything else?

I can't pinch 'owt more
out of the kitchen, can I?

You've had six tins already.

They've all been pineapple chunks.

- Were yours pineapple chokes?
- Aye.

That's funny.

I've had six tins of baked beans.

Oh, that's nice. It's going to
be a wet and windy night, isn't it?

What do you expect for £5 a night?

- Aye, each.
- Here...

..I hope you don't get into trouble,
you know, if the landlady finds out.

Oh, don't worry about her.
I ain't frightened of her all right.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
RHODA: Mr Pledge?

Down, down, down.
Come on, quickly.

Here.
(POTS CLANKING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, bloody Nora.
(TINS CLANKING)

(ELI SHRIEKS)

Mr Pledge, can I come in?

I've got something to give you
before you go to sleep.

No lights please, Mrs Rowbottom.

Oh, you prefer it
in the dark, do you?

(SOFT MUSIC)

I prefer the moonlight.

(SHE CHUCKLES)

Moonlight? That's a street light.

Oh, eh.

You were just teasing me,
weren't you?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Here, I thought
you might like something

to help you drop off, you know,

so I brought you
some cocoa and biscuits.

Shall I put it down
on the chair, shall I?

Yes, please.

There you are.

Oh.
(SHE CHUCKLES)

It's getting quite close
in here now, isn't it?

Oh...

- I like... I like these.
- Oh, good.

(BURPING)

Better out than, isn't it?
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Oh, are you, uh...
liking the room, are you?

- Yes.
- Good.

The bed? Yes.

I'm afraid it is
a bit big just for one.

Well, I like to spread
my legs a bit.

It was really designed for two.

At least.

You know,
I've always wanted to meet

a nice fellow
with healthy prospects,

ever since Mr Rowbottom
fell off the North Pier.

You know, that night,
he was made president of the Buffs.

Oh, pity wasn't made president
of the swimming club, isn't it?

(SHE GIGGLES)

Oh, sorry. Did I hurt you?

No, it was a bit unexpected.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Oh, Mr Pledge!

You do like to spread
your legs, don't you?

Oh, Mr Pledge!

I never thought you felt that way.

Oh, oh no!

Oh, Mr Pledge, you are
getting hot, aren't you?

(BELL DINGS)

Oh, dear.
I wonder who that was?

Lily.

I've been followed by a fella
all the way from the pictures.

I could feel his hot breath
on the back of my neck on the bus,

and I wouldn't care,
but he were four seats behind.

I'll have to go and find out.

Mm-hmm.

Now, drink your cocoa.

It'll give you strength.

Right.
Who's been smoking in bed?

(COUGHING)

Did you enjoy the picture,
Nellie love?

Well, it was called...

'Une Hommie et une Femmie.'

Well, what does that mean?

It means a man and a woman.

Well, what was it about?

Is he asleep?

Yeah.

Well, how shall I say?

Imagine there's a man and a woman.

Like you and Walter.

Oh, not exactly like
you and Walter, you see,

because they were French, you see.

And he wore perfume.

Oh!

Oh, heck! I've dropped a stitch.

Dropped a stitch?

That's nothing to the
stitches they dropped.

Before you could cast one stitch on,

they'd cast every stitch off,
and they were bed together.

Oh! Do they? Carry on.

Are you sure he's asleep?

Yes, love. It...
were probably a bit of wind.

Now, go on, what were you saying
about this French man and woman?

How did it end?

Well, I don't rightly know, you see,

because this girl
on me right, you see,

she was chewing glacier mints,
you see, like this.

(IMITATES SLOPPY CHEWING)

Well, I mean, I couldn't hear
what I was reading.

Then, a fella on this side of me

puts his hand on my leg, like that.

What did you do?

I said, "Here, here!"
He says, "Where, where?"

And did you move to another seat?

I couldn't.

You see, me watch
was fast in his button.

Eh?

No, the button's on his cuff.

Then, just as if
I haven't had enough of it,

a fella behind gives me
a pelt on the shoulder and says,

"Shut up, you!"

So I got up and said,
"Shut up, you!"

I give him two for one,

and when I look round,
picture had finished.

What did you do?

- Sent for the manager.
- And what did he do?

Well, he must have
been a friend of his,

because he chucked me out.

It's a good thing
Vernon wasn't with me.

I wouldn't have known
where to put me face.

Is this this fellow you've met?
Have you fallen for him?

I don't know.
I mean, how would I know?

Well, I only know
that with Walter and me,

well, it was love at first sight.

You should know yourself whether
you're in love with him or not.

Well, I don't know.
I mean, all I could say is that

when I first met him, well he...

..gave me a feeling.

Oh, Mrs Broadbottom,
could I have my cocoa?

For three.

- You were saying, Nellie?
- Yes.

Nell, I don't want you
to think I'm nosy, and too far.

But is it the first time
you've ever had it?

No, I've had it before.

Who did you get it off?

Christopher Plummer.

In 'The Sound of Music'.

(SNORING)

(THUDDING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Oh...

..that's the air.

I think I'll be going upstairs.

This new bra. I think
it's gone to sleep on my chest.

Sticking to me sunburn.

We'll be off, as well.
Come on, Walter.

(SNORING)

Stan?

Where are they all at, Stan?

Nighty-night.

Mind the bugs don't bite.

The muck in here.

(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)

Stanley?

Stanley?

Stanley?

Oh sorry, Mrs Rowbottom.

Oh, it's you, Walter.

Stan?

Oh, can't you sleep, Mr Pledge?

(SNORING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Stan?

Stop messing about
and get into bed, will you?

You what?

Oh! Here, Pledge!
What are you after?

Nothing that you've got.

Eli...

Who the flaming hell are you?

I'm Bert Henshaw.

You what?

How do you do?

Get off!

(SCREAMS)

Oh, my mother!

No, it's me.

Oh hello, Miss Nellie.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, Miss Nellie! Miss Nellie!

(NELLIE SCREAMS)

Get off, will you?
Come on! Come on!

Get out of here. Come on!

Let's have you out. Come on.

Hey, you! I'm going
to get to the bottom of this.

Come on now, then.
Where's your mate now?

- Come on, where is he?
- He's here!

Hey, who's this?
Is he your first reserve?

First reserve? Mrs Rockbottom.

What are you trying to incinerate?

These two have been
with me many years.

Have they? No wonder they can
hardly keep their eyes open.

Here, I heard you talking downstairs
but seeing is believing.

Now, I warned you about
carrying on in my boarding house.

I mean, I wouldn't mind,
but they're not paying for it.

They'll pay for it.

Oh, when I think of that fine,
upstanding brother of yours.

How he has remained
untarnished with you about.

He's got a lot to answer for.

Oh. Oh, yes.
Oh, that's typical of your type.

Good night, love.

Oh, your own cousin.

You could get 25 years for that.

Oh, Nellie. Mrs Rowbottom.

Is she gonna tuck us in?

Tuck us in? You big flea's armpit.

- She's gonna chuck us out.
- Nellie, now here--

There, there, go on.

And you, too. The holiday's over.

Go on, get gone,
and get home pickling.

Oh.

(ALL TALKING OVER EACH OTHER)

(LIVELY MUSIC)

Well, did you all have
a nice week's holiday?

ALL MURMUR: Yes.

Did you all find it
very invertebrating?

ALL: Yes, Miss Nellie.

Well, on with the pickling.

We've just had a big export order
come in from Wakefield.

ALL: Oh!

Milk, Stan?

(SPLUTTERING)

What's up?

You dosy duck!
You've put no sugar in it.

But all I'm asking for
is a bit more time.

The horses haven't been
running for me.

No, I know. Neither have the dogs.

Are you sure
that's how much I owe you?

By the left.

I promise you I'm onto
a sure thing of working on it.

And this one's got two legs.

It could be the best
business deal I ever made.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello. Pledge's Pickle speaking.

This is Nellie Pickle.
I mean, Nellie Pledge.

Hello, Nellie. It's Vernon here.

Oh, have we come up on the pools?

No, no, no, no. Not Vernons.
Vernon.

Vernon from Blackpool.

Oh. Oh, Mr Bigpiece.

Well, just call me Vernon, Nellie.
I mean, we are friends, aren't we?

Oh, indelibly.

How nice of you to call me up
on the telephone, Vermin.

I was just sitting here
thinking, and...

..well, I've missed you
since Blackpool.

Oh, have you?

'I was just wondering if I could
come round and call on you?'

See you.

Take you out -
perhaps a day in the country.

Oh, I don't know.
I'll have to think about it.

Yes.

(DIAL TONE)

Are you all right?

Here, I think I've
done meself a mischief.

I've got this lump.
Well, this is it, love.

This is where you'll be working.

The parlour.
More private than the factory.

Eli, I suppose
your sister doesn't know

that I'm going to be your secretary?

(ELI COUGHS)

Yeah, well that will be
your first job, you see.

We'll write her a letter.

You can type?

Well, I've done
a bit with one finger,

and my last boss
said I had a lovely touch.

(GIGGLING)

What's what I like too!
Now, this desk. Let's have a look.

Oh, Eli...

I can't wait to get on the job.

Hey, where would you
like to have it?

Over the window?

I don't mind where we have it, Eli.

(GIGGLING)

What's going on in here,
in our best parlour?

And when did the cat drag her in?

- Freda is my new secretary.
- Secretary?

We can't afford to have
some flighty bit

sat sitting on her brains
doing squiggly writing.

Shorthand, short ass.

(LAUGHING MENACINGLY)
I know your tricks.

Luring young girls
in here into the parlour,

like a spider to your fly.

She is my new secretary,
and she is working in here.

She is not parking her
bits and pieces in this parlour

where my dad was lay lying
stretched out in his coffin.

- You never flaming use it.
- You big girl's blouse.

Powers are not for using.
They are for keeping.

For what?

For things like
birthdays and funerals,

and when we have them
all round for Christmas.

Oh, aye. Like that Christmas, eh?

When me auntie Ethel came round, she
sang one chorus of 'White Christmas'

and all the bloody soot
fell down the chimney.

Shut up, you simp!

Come out.

Oh!

Pardon me.

Well, you've had your fling.

You can get right back in there,

and tell flashlight Fanny
to sling her hook.

I know what she's after.

I only hope you're right.

I don't think she can
use a typewriter.

She'd get trapped in the keys.

She can do the job flat on her back.

I can see what she is.
All falsified.

False hair. False eyelashes.
False fingernails.

And all that cascara.

So you can tell her never
to dorken my dark step again.

She's staying.

She's not staying.
She is not staying!

She come flaming flicked
in a flipping flash.

Anyway, I haven't got time
to argue with you.

- I have to get ready for my date.
- You've got a date?

(LAUGHING)

Yes, Vermin is going
to call and take me out.

Oh, he's taken me up on...

- I mean he's taking you out, is he?
- Yes, he's calling here.

And by the way he was
talking to me on the telephone,

I wouldn't be surprised if very soon
he's going to put it to me.

(SOFT MUSIC)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(ROMANTIC MUSIC)

(ROMANTIC MUSIC CONTINUES)

(COW MOOING)

(DISCORDANT NOTES)

(NELLIE GROANS)

(SHE CONTINUES GROANING)

Oh, it's terrible. And it stinks.

No, I can't go through with it.

I'll emigrate. That's what I'll do.

I'll go abroad
where nobody can find me.

I'll flee the country.

Ah there you are, Vernon.

Don't get impatient.
She knows you're here.

She'll be down in a minute.
Come to pop the question, have you?

- Well, I...
- Don't be nervous.

- Well no, I can't.
- Of course you can.

There's nothing to it.
She's just waiting for it.

Give it to her straight.
Come on, lad. Sit down.

Like a couple of tablets, would you?

I'm all of a twitter.
Oh, these heels.

Oh, there you are, Vermin.

Oh, what lovely bloomers.

- For you.
- Oh, thank you!

- Hey, he's got a message for you.
- Yes?

Oh, there's no card.

Not that kind of message,
you daft old...

Nellie love, now is the hour.

Well, brother-in-law,
I'll leave you to it.

I'm off down to
Spread Eagle for a pint.

- I'll come with you.
- Not just yet. Get on with it.

What are we doing
stood standing here?

We can be sat sitting over here.

Good old Vernon.

If I keep him at it,
I'll have my share of the money.

Be out of here in no time.

NELLIE: I mean you don't
have to get down on your knees.

- Eh?
- I mean, to put it to me.

I mean, you can stay
sat sitting if you like.

- Nellie.
- Yes.

Nellie, will you...
will you... will you...

Oh, I will! I do! I must! I will!

Oh, say no more. Say no more.

(MUFFLED GROANING)

(BRIGHT MUSIC)

(CHATTERING)

Nellie, Vernon is here,

and thank you Vernon
for inviting us out

to your engagement party.

Well, I hope it's going
to be worth every penny.

Good health.

This place has changed
since it was the co-op cafe.

I mean, all those
waitresses used to be fellas.

Lily. Has he been?

Just as well, the way
he's sucking all that stuff.

Hey, I don't think Moss Brothers
are gonna take these trousers back.

Anything else
you want at this table?

We'll have two of those
with chocolate sauce on.

Oh, look.
He's spilling it all down him.

Lily, I think you'd better do this,

because after all,
he is your husband.

I doubt if he'd notice.

May I have the pleasure now.

You what?

Of this dance.

Oh, thank you very glad.

Oh, I've never seen
your Nellie looking so happy.

Look at her face.
She's like a young girl again.

(SNIFFING)

Do you come here often?

The music's loud.
I can't hear you, Nellie.

Often?

Do you come here? You.

- I can't hear a word you say.
- Do you come here often?!

(MUSIC STOPS)

(CROWD CHATTERING AND LAUGHING)

Oh, I did enjoy that.
Vernon's a lovely dancer.

I mean, you can
always tell, you know,

when they've got an
ingrowing sense of rhythm.

Did you know he was
in the south-east

Lancashire formation dancing team?

By the look of him,
I thought he was

the south-east
Lancashire formation dancing team.

(DRUMROLL)

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to the Starlight Club.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

This evening, we start our bill
with Miss Mimi la Vere.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
(INTRODUCTORY MUSIC)

That's not Mimi le what-not.

That's Mabel go-outside.

Her mother did some
onion peeling for us, you know.

- She only lives up the street.
- Oh, does she?

Hello, Mabel.

I think she's seen us.
(LAUGHING)

Fancy her being a stage dancer.

Last I heard of her,
she was a bus-conductress.

Oh, she can punch my ticket
any time she likes.

(SEDUCTIVE MUSIC)

Lovely dancer, though.
I bet she does a good term.

Oh, she dropped her glove.

She's dropped another. Daft piece!

What's she doing now?

Stood standing there
scratching her back.

Oh no, it's her zipper - it's broke.

(ZIP SLIDES)

Oh, she's taking it off!

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

She's one of those strip teasers.
I bet her mother doesn't know.

It'll put her in hospital
when I tell her.

Get off, her mother knows.

Oh, she's getting her share
of the brass, I'll tell you.

Saw her pickling in a big coat
the other day, I did.

Mabel go outside.
You tell our Eli that your mother

doesn't know about
what you're doing, does she?

And don't you waggle
your bottom at me.

Otherwise I'll tan it for you.

And Vermin,
don't you look at her.

She's doing things that no man
should see with the lights on.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm not stopping here.
Go outside.

Mabel, go outside.
You stop doing that!

- You're shaming the street.
- Oh, I wouldn't say that.

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

Oh no, you're not
taking any more off!

Showing yourself off.

Get back there!

- Is she with you?
- No, I've not seen her before.

- I thought she was part of the act.
- Oh, yeah?

She's with us, yes.

(BLOW THUDS)

(ELI GROANS)

Here's your breakfast.

Oh, not this morning.
What a night that was.

And I've got his bachelor night
to look out for yet.

Well, Vernon shouldn't have
taken us to a place like that.

What the hell did you want
to get us chucked out for?

What the hell's up with you?

Just making sure
there's nobody about, you see.

Because I want to have
a private conflagration with you.

What about, the wedding ceremony?

No, not the wedding itself.

About... after.

- After?
- Hmm.

On the night time... you know.

I mean, what's he going
to do when he sees me...

..stood standing there in me shift?

(VERNON LAUGHS)

Catch the next bloody boat to China,
I shouldn't wonder.

Don't talk soft.

I mean, I'm in the
midnight of my life.

And I mean, nothing's ever
happened to me in the afternoon.

I just don't know what to do.

What to do about what?

About, you know...

..thingy.

Oh, you mean the opposite sex?

Shut up.

What, did my dad tell you?

I did ask him once.

I said to him, "Dad...

"..I feel I'm growing up, and
I'd like to know where I come from."

And what'd he say?

He looked me up and down
and he said,

"I keep asking myself
the same bloody question."

What did our mum tell you?

- Nothing.
- Well, did you never ask her?

Yes, she said she'd tell me
after I turned 21.

Well, what did she tell you
when you turned 21?

"Well," she said.

"If I didn't know then,
I never bloody would know."

Well, I'm waiting.

Well Nellie, it's a bit difficult.

You know, I mean you see,
men are different to women.

I know men are different to women.

You daft clot.

I mean I've read books,
and I've been to the art gallery.

I've seen these statues, you know.

There's one just as you go in.

Ooh...

Ooh! These sculptures.

They don't know when
to stop chiselling, do they?

(ELI CHUCKLES)

I suppose that statue
is what you call a Greek god.

I don't know if he were Greek,
but he were a big lad.

Well, what's worrying you, then?

Well, I'm going to get married
next week, aren't I?

I don't want Vernon
to be disappointed.

if you go and buy that
statue in the art gallery,

it's you that's going
to be bloody disappointed.

Ohh, shut up.

(MEN SINGING DRUNKENLY)

(DOGS HOWLING)
(MEN SLURRING DRUNKENLY)

Don't want to wake our Nellie up.

Not tonight, because it's the night
before her wedding, you see.

Hey, she won't get much sleep
tomorrow night. (LAUGHING)

Wash your mouth out with soap,
you dirty old man.

You dirty, dirty old man.

Give us a kiss.
(LAUGHING)

How are we going?

Oh, we're going. We're going.

(DOOR RATTLING)

- Can't find the bloody hole.
- Ohh. Here.

(KEY CLINKS)
(WATER SPLASHES)

I've dropped the key...

I've dropped the key down...
down the bloody drain.

Ohh, I've got it.
How are we gonna get in?

- How are we gonna get in?
- I don't know.

- I've got an idea.
- Have you?

Round the corner, round the corner.
We'll go round the corner.

(THEY CONTINUE SINGING DRUNKENLY)

(CLATTERING)
(THUDDING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING AND SINGING)

Don't wake our Nellie.

- Shhhh.
- I can't get me leg in.

- Shhhh.
- I can't get me leg in.

Get me leg in. Get me leg in.

- There, I've got you.
- Get me leg in.

(SCREAMING)
(THUD)

Where are you?

- I'm here.
- Eh?

- Get me leg in.
- Come on.

- I'll get you.
- Get me in. Get me in.

I'll get you.

I've got you in. Come on.

- That's it. Come on.
- Who's turned the lights off?

Hey!
(CHUCKLING)

You've got an urn on your head.
You what?

- You've got an urn on your head.
- Hey?

Eh? I've never seen that before.

Hey. You and Nellie bought it today
for your mam and dad's grave.

Get off.

- It's got something written on it.
- What, what, what does it say?

It says, "To mum and dad.
United forever."

Our dad didn't talk like that.

Why not?

He was a bloody City supporter.

(LAUGHING

Here we are!

Back door opened.

Hey, hey. Be careful now.

Hey Vernon, don't
squeeze him like a lemon.

We don't want juice out of him.

Come on. Hey, do you want to go?

Here, come on. Here you go.

Now, it's your first on your left,
down the passage.

That's the idea.
Where's that champagne?

Champagne. Yeah, champagne.

Get it, will you?
We're gonna have a party.

- Aye.
- Yes.

We're gonna have a party
like they did in Paris in the 1800s.

- Ooh!
- A private room at Maxine's.

Maxine's.

We'll drink it
out of a lady's slipper.

- Hey. Hey. Hey.
- What?

Where did you get that?

I pinched it off that stripper
we saw at t'club the other night.

Oohh!
(LAUGHING)

Anyway, we'll have a nice drink.

Wait a minute,
don't forget to take the cork out.

Oh, look at that.
It's floaty.

- Hey!
- Isn't it floaty?

Is it raining in?

Is it hell, as like raining in!

By hell, that's smoothe!

I didn't have to
force it to go down.

Hey, can I have a drink?

Aye, but be very careful,
because it's very volatile.

Is it?

(LIQUID SPILLING)
All terribly, terribly...

I think it is raining in.

Oh, I am wet.

Oh, I'm w-w-wet.

- Are you?
- I'm all wet. I'm all wet.

Ohh, I'll have to
take my trousers off.

Hey, hey, hey. You strip for me,

like that girl at the club.

Urgh, I can do it better than her.

(LAUGHTER)

Put some music on, I'll show you!

- Put music on.
- Aye, put music on!

(BRIGHT MUSIC)

Go on!

Get 'em all off!

(LAUGHING)

Go on!

(SOCKS SQUELCHING)

(MUSICAL FLOURISH)
Get 'em all off!

Go on! Get 'em all off.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

(ZIP SCRAPES)

(ELI SHRIEKS)

Go on!

(COMEDIC PERCUSSION)

ELI: Yeah!

NELLIE: Oh, it's you!

You flaming retrograde.

Get out of here! Get out of here!

And you!

Get out of here!
Go on, get out!

Go on, get out!

Get out of here!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(HORSE HOOVES CLOPPING)

Oh, I bought the flowers, Mr Eli.

Right, Claude. Hey, Claude...

..fit my braces
over my shoulders, will you?

Yeah, I will.

I'll tell you what,
I'll do them up for you.

- Oh, ta very much.
- I'm very good at doing up braces.

- Are you?
- Aye, I always do my mam's.

- Your mam?
- Aye.

What a funny woman.

Well, hurry up!
I've got to get dressed.

There you are, Mr Eli.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)

Not quite right, is it?

I'll do this for you.

(NASAL GROANING)
Me nose! Me nose!

(GRUNTING)

- Me hooter.
- Sorry.

Is that ri...
No, that's not right, is it?

(ELI SPLUTTERING)

- What's the matter?
- You're choking me!

Pardon? I can't hear you.

- You're choking me!
- Oh, I'm sorry.

(ELI COUGHING)

If I get that up there...
(NASAL GROANING)

Me nose!

(SPLUTTERING)
Is that right now?

Get off me!

Here y'are.

If I take that like that...

Go like that.

There...
(QUIRKY MUSIC)

That's not right.

If I go... down like that.

There. There you are, you see.

Oh no, Mr Eli!

Oh Mr Eli, no! Mr Eli!

(COMEDIC PERCUSSION)

Look, will you get me out of it?!

All right, I'm trying.

(HORSE SNORTS)

(LIGHT MUSIC)

Put that through like that.

Then go like that.

You sort of take it down like that.

And go like that.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

It's not quite right, is it?

Get off me!
You've done enough damage.

Come on, outside. Go on.

Hop it. Go on, get off.

Me nose.

Here they are -
Sleepy, Grumpy and Dopy.

Go and sit down, you.

Hey, hey, how do I look?

You look fine. How do I look?

I don't know. I can't see you.

- Oi!
- What?

Swap hats, you great taters.

Oh aye, yeah.

Ah, that's better.

Now, who's got the buttonholes?

I don't know.

Mr Eli, Mr Eli!

Oh, bloody Nora.
He's sat on 'em.

Get up, come out of it.

We can't wear these.

They're all broke, look.

Hey up, I'll tell you what...

Look...

Take these, put one of those
in your buttonhole.

Here...
There you are, one for you.

- Hey, these are plastic!
- Oh, shut your mouth!

You're an usher,
not a bridesmaid, aren't you?

Go on, get off. Go on, get lost.

Go on, hop it. Go on.

Mr Eli? You can have mine.

Oh, thanks very much.

Bloody idiot.

(CHURCH BELLS TOLL)

Well, this is it, Vernon.
Point of no return.

- Journey into the unknown.
- Stop saying that, Eli!

The union of two
great pickling factories,

and I'll let you run both concerns.

Oh!

That looked like Ethel.
(WOMAN GIGGLES)

Which is Ethel?

Hey, and as I'm a sleeping partner,

I'll let you know where
to send me money every week.

- Suits me fine, Eli.
- Good!

Yoo-hoo!

Bloody hell -
Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire!

(WAGON RATTLING)

(MAJESTIC MUSIC)

Ah, here she is, Eli.

Come on, love. Down you get.

- How do I look?
- You look radiant, love.

I never thought I'd see the day.
(HORSE SNORTS)

Mrs Vernon Smallpiece.

Come on, love.

(CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS)

- Are you Vernon Smallpiece?
- Yes.

Well, I am a court bailiff.

I've come here to arrest you

for ignoring a court order
to pay a debt.

Well, I'm just getting married,
and I can settle it all up.

You what?

I'm afraid you'll have to
postpone your wedding.

- You've got to come with me.
- You can't arrest him!

He's a very wealthy
Oldham pickle manufacturer.

A former Oldham pickle manufacturer,

who is now bankrupt.

He owes money all over,
like I said, that fella.

I thought you were gonna
put money in the firm,

not take it out!

(LAUGHING)
You'll be lucky.

We know who you are,
you won't have a factory left.

Ooh, you rotten Lancashire layabout!

Do you mean to tell me you were only
marrying our Nellie for her money?

Can you think of another reason?

Here, do me a favour. Come on,
let's get it over with.

If they ever let you out,
don't you come back here!

How the hell am I gonna tell her?

Where's he gone?

(CROWD MUTTERING)

Dearly beloved, we are gathered
together here in the sight of God,

in the face of this congregation,

to join together
this man and this woman

in holy matrimony--

Excuse me, your reverence.

No, no, I can't be joined
to him in holy matrimony.

You see, I only live with him.

- Oh, I--
- You see...

I mean, I can't marry him.

H-H-He's my brother.

Excuse me.

There's been a bit of a hitch, love.

Bit of a hitch? What do you mean?
Where's Vernon?

- He's gone.
- Gone?

But he's coming back?

No he's not, love.

Well, I thought...

You see, it's all over.
They've arrested him.

He owed money all over the place.

- Oh, but I thought--
- So did I.

To tell you the truth, Nellie,
it's not you he wanted.

It's the factory.

He wants to get himself
out of trouble.

- So, he never wanted...
- No he didn't, love.

Made a right fool of myself, I have.

- Have you hell as like.
- I have!

No, you haven't.
Have a good cry if you want to.

I'm not crying.

It's like me mam said -

there's not a fella
worth crying over.

Except me dad.

Oh, come on, love.

Well, at least I got
something out of it.

What?

A sideboard full of presents.

And if they want them back,
well, I mean, at least...

- ..I'll have had them once.
- Hey!

You've still got me.

Yeah, God help me.

Well, come on.
Let's collect that lot,

and let's get home and have the do.

You're not still having the do?

We've got to have somebody
to help us eat all that boiled ham.

Come on.

Just a minute,
you were supposed to be on my right.

Oh, aye. Come here...

- Get that over your head.
- What are you playing at?

Get off, you bow-legged
brewer's boil.

Who are you calling names,
you knackered old bag?

You big flea's armpit!

Oh, I see. That's it, is it?

Showing your temper out on me,
that's what you're doing.

Oh, give over.
I'll shove you in there...

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

# You are my nearest and dearest

# You see

# And you mean all the world to me

# When you are by my side

# The shadows run and hide

# Oh, how great it can be

# You are my nearest
and dearest you know

# And I need you wherever I go

# And when you hold my hand

# It's like a wonderland

# You know that I love you so

# I hope the day comes soon

# When we'll be always together

# You and me

# You know that you will be

# My nearest and dearest forever

# Oh, can't you see?

# For I love you
come rain or come shine

# And I know you will always be mine

# I want the world to see

# That you will always be

# My nearest and dearest to me #