All language subtitles for Mock the Week - S22E07

Read about the things that happen
throughout the world.

Don't believe in everything you see or
hear.

And welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Daryl
Breen and joined this week are Janine

Haruni, Rhys James and Ed Byrne, Ellie
Taylor, Hugh Dennis and Alistair Beckett

-Kate.

We start the show tonight with a round
called Picture of the Week. I show the

panel a topical image and ask them to
tell me what is happening. So teams,

what's going on here?

has the look of a man who knows his Uber
rating's about to get... I think

Starmer looks like Trump's dentist. You
just realised he left the whitening

strip on for too long?

Is he saying, don't look now, but
there's someone weeing against the door?

I tell you, that is the least viewed
episode of Fake Taxi, isn't it?

He just noticed that the taxi driver is
Mexican and he's worried that his

embarrassing mate is going to say
something dodgy.

Is it Donald Trump saying he was
thrilled to finally meet Mr. Bean?

It's very rare that a passenger looks
like they're made from higher quality

leather than the seats they're on.

Is Donald Trump saying, don't worry,
Keir, we're just going for a little

This is like when you're arguing with
your partner at a wedding and then

suddenly the photographer turns up,
you're like... Having a lovely

day.

I mean, the difference in expression, it
looks like one of them is a lot more

sure about the bulletproof nature of the
glass.

These are the exact expressions you'd
expect both of them to make if the taxi

driver started being racist.

OK, I know this isn't really the point
of this round and I know I've never done

the show before, but... Have ties always
been this long?

Am I crazy?

I like it.

All right, gentlemen, compensating for
something? Okay.

When you get into a car, it's as good to
tuck your tie into your... into your

gooch.

Is it the back of the Bonnie Blue Bang
bus?

Is it, Donna?

Um, no.

It's not?

Good, because I wouldn't know what that
looks like.

That's a bang bus.

Yeah, yeah, you've got a rival bus, I'm
afraid.

Mine's a Darwin cuddle bus.

No, it's not.

That sounds even creepier.

See what happens in my bus, and let's
hope it's Mecca.

What is the correct answer? Is it
President Donald Trump and Prime

Starmer in a car?

LAUGHTER Well, yeah, you could have made
it more of the news this week, but no,

that'll do fine. Thank you very much, Ed
Byrne, you're very kind.

Yes, of course. This is UK Prime
Minister Keir Starmer and US President

Trump pictured in happier times.

There's also news that following a
disagreement about the US using British

bases, Starmer called Trump in an
attempt to repair the so -called special

relationship. I feel like all of
Starmer's advisors are just like, I feel

you should stay away from Donald Trump.
He is not a good guy. And Starmer's

like, but he looks so cute in hats.

That's weird, because maybe you're
coming from, as a man, I think it's more

like, you know, that girl you're friends
with who says, oh, you're my best

friend, hold my coat while I shag that
guy.

We're like, okay, she'll spot me
eventually.

We have a special relationship.

Is that what she's doing?

So I've been holding these coats for no
reason.

How many coats do you have now?

So, yes, what is happening between the
UK and the US? It's crazy, really, that

this is the reason the special
relationship's falling apart.

Because, like, one of the main things
he's annoyed about, like you say, is

we won't let him use our military base.

And it's like, yeah, he's Donald Trump.
I wouldn't let him use my charger.

He's a nutter. Also, he's at war. You
can't be at war and then ask to use our

military base. It's like saying, I
currently have diarrhoea. Can I borrow

trousers?

I'm glad that Starmer stood up for
himself because, like, he told Trump he

wasn't allowed to use the air bases for
the war unless there was a legal

mandate. And, I mean, he spoke to him on
the phone for 20 minutes. I don't know

about you guys, but a guy talking to
another guy for 20 minutes on the phone

sounds like a mandate.

Tony Blair has intervened and said that
Starmer should have, you know,

acquiesced sooner. And I don't know
about you, but is there a phrase that's

alarming than Tony Blair has intervened?

A shiver goes through my body every time
I hear it. I say, oh, I think Tony

Blair is intervening.

Why is Tony Blair so obsessed with it?
Right, Tony Blair, he dealt with the

he did Iraq, and now he's doing Iran.

Why is he so obsessed with the letters
IRA?

Has he got an X called IRA?

That's a freak.

What did Trump say about Starmer?

He called him a loser.

He did? Yeah.

That's it.

This made me feel jingoistic, right?
Because, you know, I don't have national

pride, but I realise I do have national
shame.

Trump has come out and said that
Starmer's a loser, and I've immediately

thought, well, no, you can't say that.
We can say that, because he's on.

But you put, like, as soon as he said
it, I was like, he's not a loser. He's

a very difficult job. He comes from
hundreds of... He's a toolmaker, you

He's trying his very best, OK?

If a British person said, what do you
think of StarMind? I'd go, that's a

His dad's a dickhead.

I'm glad that he stood up to Trump and
said that he's not allowed to use the

bases, because I don't know if anyone
else feels this way, but I am sick of

obnoxious Americans coming over here,
imposing themselves on British

institutions for their own personal
financial gain.

Thank you very much.

You did say you could only use that
chair for defensive purposes.

He's run out of things to offer Trump,
hasn't he? He doesn't want to give the

basis, oh, the king's coming to see you,
come for another state visit. He's

like, oh, now, would you like to say
that Shakespeare's American?

Please. Would you like custody of
Lorraine Kelly? Have her.

What, therefore, is happening to energy
prices at the moment? Are they sort of

going down a bit? Are they trapping?

Overall... It's a good 50 -50 shot.

I mean, there are times when they are,
because it's quite a volatile situation

at the moment. At the time of the
recording, it's up and then down and up

then down. Who knows? Because oil is
very slidey as well.

That's a science -y term. That's a
science -y term.

And they're also sending teams in to get
all their enriched uranium, aren't

they? Would you sign up for that?

We'll go and get three and a half tons
of enriched uranium.

That's not going to affect your life
expectancy at all, though, would it?

I don't expect to be approached for that
job.

I mean, go to Romesh first.

And then Ed Gamble next.

Also, you know, you don't have any hair
to lose.

I can't do it. I can't. It would be such
a terrible lot.

You could get a wire in there. Oh, Matt
Dara, you could stop off in Turkey on

the way. Come back for series two.

Do you think I should go on a secret
mission to get all the uranium out and

come back with more hair?

So a barrel of oil is, like, last time I
checked, $100 or £75, which actually

seems stunningly low, bearing in mind
that the oil is at the bottom of the

and they have to get it out.

Like, a birthday clown costs £225 on
average.

Kids need to get that priority straight.
You're right. Do you want an unemployed

actor in a wig? Or do you want three
barrels of crude oil, kids?

How long can a birthday clown burn for?

That was one hour.

225 for one hour.

What's going on here?

Is this what happens when you go to see
Back to the Future, the musical, but the

understudy's on?

So we're going, we don't need votes!

She looks like she's really regretting
putting her coffee in the driver door.

It's giving real mum, sort of picking
you up from a party energy.

Like, I won't embarrass you!

I'll just open the door sideways!

She won't be smiling when she realises
that car's not ULEZ compliant.

I would have said with the price of oil
the way it is, a plutonium -powered car.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's saying, can you help, please?
There's a man having a wee against the

of the car.

All I can see is a photo of someone
doing a great job in difficult

talking to Kemi Badenoch.

Why is it left -hand drive?

Is it just to wind her up to put her on
the left?

I think in the film, it's left -hand
drive.

It's a DeLorean. It might be.

Yeah. Wasn't it that they were just
built for Northern Irish market? Is a

DeLorean a real car?

Yeah, it's a real car.

I thought it was just the name of... the
thing in the... No, no. John

DeLorean put a car factory in Northern
Ireland and set up the thing and he did

car with gold wing doors and not a very
successful one. Notoriously dodgy car.

Yeah. Even Back to the Future couldn't
save the actual factory that made the

Back to the Future.

Do you know, I wasn't sure that this
show needed to come back and now I've

learnt that fact.

It's all worth it.

It is, of course, Kemi Badnock. The news
that leader of the Conservative Party,

Kemi Badnock, is reported to be
pondering a shadow cabinet reshuffle in

promote younger MPs and get rid of so
-called dead wood.

Why would you reshuffle the shadow
cabinet? It's a pretend job.

It's no point doing a reshuffle. It's no
different to a football manager

watching his team lose and making two of
the subs swap seats.

They got 1 .9 % of the vote in the last
by -election.

Yes. I'm not sure a reshuffle's going to
do it.

Haven't they already done a reshuffle to
reform?

It's not surprising you can't trust
people in a thing called the Shadow

Finister piece of furniture you could
imagine.

At least I've got my friends in the
haunted wardrobe.

Lord Mandleton was once in the Shadow
Cabinet.

If you want younger voters, right, then
it's a bit late, isn't it, for the

Tories to suddenly target the youth?
They've done nothing but nosh off

pensioners for the last 50 years.

Excuse me.

You can look up her address afterwards.

I want to know what's so bad about
noshing off pensioners. It's a good,

job.

Is she just going to be in PMQs trying
to speak like a young person now?

being like, oh, small boats are such an
ick.

She said a really weird thing. She
compared the Labour Party to orcs and

which is weird, because orcs are goons.

They're the lowest rank in Saruman's
army.

She should have said Uruk -hai and
goons.

Wow.

She's not going to recover from that.

It's so embarrassing. I know.

I'm mortified for you, Kemi.

She's not got a chance, has she? Because
the problem is, like, all the age

groups are now gone for political
parties.

All the old people have now gone to
reform, you know, in terms of where

voting. Middle -aged people do Labour,
young people do Green. What the Tories

need to do, and what she needs to do, is
start thinking about elections sort of

20 years in the future, right? And they
need to just target toddlers.

She needs to get her name out there with
Toddlers. Every PMQ, she should just

look down the barrel of the camera and
go, Badder, knock, doot, doot, doot,

doot, doot.

That's what it is. That's how she's
going to win. Yeah, that's it. Look, if

entertained my son for 20 minutes, I'd
put it on.

At the end of that round, the points go
to Ed, Rhys and Janine.

Join us after the break for more Mock
the Week.

Now we play around cause you think
that's bad.

In a world where everything seems to be
going wrong, this is the chance for our

performers to compete, to outdo each
other with tales of woe from their

and I decide whose is the worst.

Anyone care to start us off?

I will.

I am currently having my self -esteem
demolished every night by the volume and

enthusiasm with which the fox is outside
my window orgasm.

I cannot compete with this volume. I
have to lie next to my girlfriend every

night if she goes, oh, another hot night
in the vulpine community.

I looked up what you can do to deter
foxes, right? Apparently, to get rid of

foxes from your garden, you're supposed
to use male human urine. That's what it

says. I read that. My first thought was,
oh, I'll have to get a man round.

That's how in my head they are.

You know, that's bad. I went into a cool
cafe and they were playing cool music

and I didn't recognise it. It was
like...

It was like percussive and arrhythmical,
and I was grooving along to the bar.

What is it?

And I got to the bar, and it was tennis.

This is my new jam.

I'm going to be listening to it. What is
this?

A few months ago, me and my wife found
what is clearly a ladies' watch in our

house, and neither of us has any idea
who owns it. And we have phoned people.

We've asked everybody.

The babysitter, the babysitter's
daughter, cannot figure out who owns

watch. And my wife is not even vaguely
suspicious.

I love the idea that she could find
some, like, ladies' underwear, and her

thought would be, have you started
wearing ladies' underwear?

Oh, no, the ghost is back that keeps
shredding stuff. The Victorian lady

who keeps leaving underwear and used
condoms around the house.

Oh, we have to get a priest in to bless
that.

You're the weird lady ghost.

You think that's bad? I had to change my
name for equity, and my real surname is

Joss. What is that?

You think that's bad? I just bought an
island for what I thought was an

absolutely bargain price until I found
out I used to own it.

If you think that's bad, I once got cast
to play a sex worker in a movie and I

got paid less than an actual sex worker.

I did it.

If you think that's bad, I grew up in
the northeast of England and I once

someone call into a talk radio show and
start their comment with...

I am racist, but... If you think that's
bad, I had a C -section at a

teaching hospital, and if you don't
know, when you have a C -section, you're

awake, so I heard everything, and at one
point, I heard the senior doctor say to

the junior doctor, hmm, now what I would
have done differently there.

Isn't that bad? When I had my baby
afterwards, I heard the doctor say,

does that bit go?

They're just fucking with you.

Actually, and when I had another baby, I
heard them say, I had a caesarean, they

were sewing me up and they went, time to
clean the gutters now.

Clean the gutters.

At least they're clean, I guess.

I think that's bad.

That's not bad.

Raise the bar from that.

We've actually got a French exchange
student in our house at the moment, and

I've not met him.

Because I never got round to getting a
criminal background check, right?

Which is fine, except that my wife said
to me, in front of a neighbour, without

context, don't forget the French
exchange student is arriving tomorrow.

You're not allowed to be alone with him.

So your wife doesn't suspect you're
having an affair with an adult woman.

She is worried about a French teenager.

The point's going to Ellie here and
Alistair.

The next round is called Passing Through
the Strait of Hermosment.

This game involves Alistair and Janine,
so if you could make your way to the

performance area, please.

This round is a stand -up challenge. I
launch the wheel of news and whoever

chooses will stop one of our performers
and step forward and talk about that

subject. The winner is whoever I think
is the funniest.

OK, here we go. That's our first topic,
please.

The subject is names.

Who wants to come in on that? Janine.

So, my husband and I, we had our first
baby recently, and it took us a while to

name him because we didn't want him to
get bullied.

Because growing up, my name is innocuous
enough, but people made up all sorts of

mean nicknames. Kids called me Herony
Macaroni, Herony Baloney, Bitch.

When I was in high school, I knew a guy
whose name was Michael Litteris.

His name was Mike Litteris. And you
couldn't even joke with him about it.

Litteris is very sensitive.

So you do not want to rub Mike Litteris
the wrong way. And it's not even like he

could ask people to call him Michael
because then it just sounds sassy.

be like, Michael Litteris.

A lot of people ask us if we would give
my son an Irish name because my husband

is Irish and I love Irish names. My
first flatmate was an Irish girl. Her

was Cuiva.

And if you don't know the name Cuiva,
that's spelled C -A -O -I -M -H -E.

When she told me that, I was like, hmm,
that's not a name.

That's a Wi -Fi password.

Very secure.

I don't understand these women who let
their husbands name the baby after

themselves, because women do 100 % of
the work in pregnancy.

Like, honestly, being pregnant with my
husband's baby, it felt like we'd been

paired up to do a school science project
where I had to do all of the work for

nine months, but he got the exact same
grade because he brought the pen.

And then after nine... months of
pregnancy you still have to push a baby

your fun hole and i was terrified of
doing it i called my mom and i asked her

what's it like and she said i mean it
was fine i gave birth to three babies no

pain medication it was fine i mean i
tore and i couldn't feel my clitoris for

two years but it was fine i said what
maybe that's what happened to mrs

maybe she wasn't naming her son maybe
she was calling out for medical

like my clitoris

Mike's a lovely name. Excellent choice.

Thank you.

Okay,

that leaves us with Arthur. Let's see
what your topic is. Let's spin the

The topic is smoking.

When I was a kid, the secret of being
cool was having candy cigarettes, which

were made of candy, shaped like
cigarettes. Super cool in the 90s,

could be there on the playground
nibbling away, nibbling, nibbling.

Like a little James Dean, nibble,
nibble, nibble. So you had just a little

of candy cigarette left, and then you
could be like, right, off to maths.

Instantly cool, you know, nibble,
nibble, nibble, nibble, strut around the

playground, stub out on a wall, have a
go on the swings.

Cool.

I know I look like someone who's been
blessed with many of nature's gifts.

What I mean by that is people often try
to buy drugs from me.

That's not my thing. I've never been
into drugs.

But people don't believe that because of
the way I look. A guy came up to me, he

said, oh, you must know where we can get
some stuff. And I said, no, honestly, I

don't. He said, oh, come on.

Come on. Not even... That's really it.

Now, the thing is, genuinely, I don't
know where you buy cannabis, I don't

where you buy marijuana, but I do know
where you can get swanny whistles.

is now on his way to Mr.

McGillicuddy's Whistle Factory.

It's a fine emporium, and I'm full of
drugs, actually.

It's a real problem. I used to work
there, and I tried to do something about

but I don't know if you know, it's very
difficult to report wrongdoing if you

work in a whistle factory.

Thank you very much.

At the end of that round, the points go
to Ginny. Everyone come back here. Thank

you very much.

Join us after the break for more Mock
the Week.

The next round is called, if this is the
answer, what is the question?

On the board are six categories. Janine,
which category would you like?

Science, please.

Okay, your topic is science.

The answer is 685 ,000 miles. What is
the question?

Is it, how far do I have to travel to
escape my mother's criticism?

Is it, if you printed out all the emails
in the Epstein files and laid them out

flat, how far must you remain from
schools at all times?

How much railway have the Prince built
since we started HS2?

Is it, girls, if we're honest, how big
is too big?

Is it, what is the range of the all
-new, all -electric Land Rover

What is the annual income and first name
of a guy who thinks he's pretty bloody

working -class actually?

What does my step count appear to be if
I change my watch to my left hand?

On a similar note, what is inside Miles
Jupp's testicles?

A similar note.

Is it what distance are people talking
about when they say, that's not a

miles away?

Is it after telling me he's 0 .5 miles
away two minutes ago, how far away is my

Uber driver now?

Is it how far away would David Walliams
now have to swim to get my donation?

How close is Brooklyn Beckham to his
family?

What is the area?

Surface area.

I'm going to go with that.

Yeah, go on. Your fucking noggin.

Miles is a measure of length, not of
area. Okay.

Square miles.

Yeah, does it say square miles? Does it
say square miles there, does it?

No, no, the miles are not square. Do you
know what it is, though?

You don't hear fucking next to the word
noggin very often.

I think I do know the right answer to
this. Oh, do you know the right answer?

Yeah.

Is it?

No,

no.

There's a thing called Artemis. There's
a rocket called Artemis, isn't there?

There you go. It's going around the
moon, so I'm kind of thinking how far

it travel?

Absolutely right. Thank you very much.

Yes,

the question I was looking for was, how
far will the Artemis II mission travel

when it heads to the Moon? This is the
news that NASA's latest attempt to reach

the Moon has covered several setbacks
and will now not launch until the 1st of

April at the earliest.

The mission will see a crewed spacecraft
travel around the Moon for the first

time since Apollo 17 over 50 years ago.

Isn't that an easy rocket?

Why are we going back to the moon?

It's not changed.

It's not like Hackney.

You know, the moon used to be dangerous,
now it's got a gale.

The moon has been gentrified. It's
really come up. It's amazing, yeah.

Finally. No, they're not going to the
moon, are they? You know how close they

get to the moon? They're flying by it,
aren't they? Yeah, they are. The closest

they get to the moon is 5 ,500 miles.

Yeah. That's like standing in Cornwall
and going, yeah, I've been to Milwaukee.

They're not there. They're not going to
the moon. We've basically gone to the

moon, then.

No. No.

5 ,000 miles. Come on. That might as
well be here. Yeah, certainly. It

No. I struggle to maintain the whimsical
task I'm

supposed to do at a comedy show when you
idiots keep coming up with these

things.

You're going to make him blow the top
off his 685 ,000 square mile head.

Why are they going dark? Why are they
going dark? They're going because

ultimately the idea is to go back and
actually land on it and then either use

as a base for which to do other trips or
to, you know, gather minerals from the

moon. But we have landed on it. Why are
they going to see whether we can land on

it? We have landed on it. We've done
that. We did land on it. Then why are we

going back?

Have we forgotten how?

So they need to check out the parking.

I think this is the real danger because
we haven't been there since, like, the

70s. Is that right? So there's a very
real possibility that when we get

the moon will be casually racist.

So they're going to come back and they
go, how is the moon? And he goes, ooh,

inappropriate.

Because also, it's a much more gender
diverse and ethnically diverse crew that

are going up as well. So it's really
asking for trouble.

How many women are going?

There's one woman of the four. Oh, so
it's like a panel show. Yeah.

Jimmy.

They delay the launch, right? Because
they're waiting for the price of fuel to

come down.

They do a thing called a wet dress
rehearsal.

We've all done that.

And they fail with these things so far.
So they keep putting it on. Would you

like to have been an astronaut?

I'd love to have been an astronaut.
Aren't you too tall? How tall are you?

way too tall. All astronauts are really,
really tiny.

Other than that, you would have failed
through the medical.

Interestingly, there are four astronauts
on this trip, but why do those

astronauts have a special significance
for Ed?

Did one of them find a woman's voice?

The answer is, they're all younger than
Ed, but they've done so much more with

their lives.

I'm younger than you.

Also me.

You're totally going to turn to me. I
don't understand it.

Sarah, would you go?

Yeah, I'd rather go.

How soon?

I misled the tone.

If we all come in, guys.

Would you go? Would you go?

Why do you want to go?

It sounds crap.

Why does it sound so easy?

Because you're basically locked in a
tube with your colleague for ages. If

of you farts, you can't even open the
window or you die.

It's basically a two -month holiday on
the central line.

If you fart on a spacewalk...

That fart is going to be waiting for you
at the end, isn't it?

Hang on. When you take your helmet off,
it's not, because the fart can't go

anywhere, can it? Well, surely it's just
in your whole... The whole thing.

Oh, when you take your helmet off, does
it go...

Yes, because

in space, no one can hear you fart.

That rounds the points for Ellie, Hugh
and Alistair.

The next round is called Audience
Question Time. We throw ourselves open

studio audience and invite them to ask
us questions on any topic. OK, first of

all, is there an Anita here, by any
chance?

Hey, how are you? How are you?

I'm good.

Anita, tell us, what question do you
have for us?

What news headlines might you see next
year?

Oh, next year.

Elon Musk grows Hitler moustache, claims
lip was cold.

Helicopter crash involving my entire
family came as complete shock, says King

Andrew.

Donald Trump invades Poundland.

Fight with Jake Paul with always a risk,
say grieving Attenborough family.

Irish comedian jailed. I told you not to
leave him alone with that

French exchange student.

Thank you very much, Anita.

Thank you. Where is Jack?

Jack, how are you? How's yourself?

Where are you from, Jack?

Kerry, in Ireland.

Thank you for explaining to me where
Kerry is.

I know you won't.

I'm terrified for the rest of them.

But obviously, oh, jeez, I haven't
forgotten.

The good people in TLC.

Jack getting a sly dig in there. Kerry
in Ireland, do you remember it?

Jack, thank you very much.

What's your question, by the way? I want
to know, what is your best hack for

living healthy?

All right, you're coming to me for that?
Yeah, yeah.

Everything Jack does is a veiled attack.

Hang on. A hand so weak, you struggle to
open packets of crisps.

Some days I'll just be like, oh, I'll
just have to bless it.

I find opening packets harder and
harder.

I don't know if I'm getting old or
packets are getting stronger.

They've run out of the adhesive they
used to use. Make it stronger now.

Is it just me? Did nobody else find
themselves carrying stuff around?

It didn't look like that.

It looked like you needed somebody to
help you and you were willing to do

anything to get them to do it for you.

My tongue is strong.

Please, strong French teenager, please.

I think it's on Sunday we're going to
watch this. We won't now.

Really awkward. Your first time in the
room with Jean -Claude.

We're going to watch this, Jean -Claude.
This is what I do professionally.

Sorry,

does anyone have any other answers?

I think it's important if you're on a
diet that you give yourself a cheat day.

So on Thursday, you can have loads of
broccoli, and on Friday, you sleep with

your husband's brother.

Just hoping he's dead. For me, it's just
been one very, very simple rule, which

is don't eat cigarettes.

Jack, thank you for doing that.

Semi -investigary, which, as we know, is
in Ireland.

Thank you to all of our audience.

Join us again after the break.

The next round is called Between the
Lines, which is Hugh and Rhys. Would you

make your way to the press pit, please?

Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise
of a leading figure on the world stage,

while Hugh will translate what they
really mean.

This week, Rhys is Nigel Farage.

I shall deport you first.

Good evening.

Great to finally get the chance to speak
to you.

Who am I kidding? I'm on TV more than
Ramesh.

People say I'm out of touch with my
working class base.

Poppycock, you peasants!

Some people seem to think I'm just a
blustering, overprivileged, ignorant

Yes, I went to private school. Yes, I
used to be a stockbroker. Yes, I've said

some pretty terrible things.

Yeah.

I want to go back to the wonderful old
traditions of the English countryside.

Killing foxes, shooting hikers, and
incest.

I'm playing a role.

I'm the politician people most want to
have a pint with. Mainly so they can

it over my head.

I am tackling the issues that really
matter to ordinary people.

Oat milk is not real milk.

People say Brexit was the worst thing to
ever happen to this country.

Wait until I become Prime Minister.

Nadhim Zahawi, Robert Jenrick and Suella
Braverman were the first of an exciting

new wave of reform members.

Please welcome Greg Wallace, Prince
Andrew and

Hugh Edwards.

After the local elections, we won't
accept any more Tory defections.

Not even I want Priti Patel.

Now we come to scenes we'd like to see,
so if everyone can make their way over

to the performance area, please.

I'll read out this week's topics and
we'll see what our panelists can come up

with. Okay, here we go. The first
subject is... Things you wouldn't hear

awards show.

And the winner of least likely to be
even capable of having an affair, Ed

Thank you so much for this imposter
syndrome award.

I just really don't think I deserve it.

And to accept the award on behalf of Jim
Carrey is a slightly odder -looking Jim

Carrey.

And as the Labour Party awards draw to a
close, let's remember some of the

voters we lost.

Very satirical. Come on.

I don't think my wife, without whom none
of this would be possible, would be a

bit more enjoyable.

The winner of our first award needs no
introduction.

Wow. To win, most emotionally repressed.

I can't tell you what this means to me.

And the winner...

of Auto Queue Operator of the Year goes
to... Fuck you, fuck you, it's not me

again, fuck you.

Oh, my God, thank you so much. Oh, my
God, this is really heavy, isn't it? Oh,

you can really shove this up your arse.

Let's hear it for Go... Sorry, now the
In Memoriam.

And now it's time to remember those who
haven't died this year, but we wish they

had.

Welcome to the porn award.

Thank you all for coming.

I am thrilled to accept this award on
behalf of men who don't really know how

hold babies.

And finally, I'd like to thank the
Student Loans Company, to whom I owe

everything.

So many people to thank. Roman Polanski,
Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby,

Jeffrey Epstein.

I miss you.

And now, at the Where's Wally Awards,
we'd like to take a moment to look back

some of the people we've found this
year.

And the winner for worst paper cut goes,
Jesus fucking Christ!

It's almost time for the British Railway
Awards.

We're just being held at a red signal.

Should be on the move shortly.

And the nominees for the FIFA Peace
Prize are...

Donald Trump.

Genghis Khan.

And Thanos from The Avengers.

And the award for Tiny Little Man
Standing Very Still is... And

I'd just like to say to all my fellow
nominees,

you can suck the farts from my ass.

Sadly, Bonnie Blue couldn't be here this
evening, so she sent up this video.

Oh, dig on, dig on.

And the winner of the Fortune Teller of
the Year Award is on her way to the

stage right now. Gosh, she's good.

Before we get on to the National High
Street Bank Awards, can I just say to

everybody out there that you can collect
your awards online.

The next topic is lines that kill a
romantic mood.

Why don't we move this into the board
game room?

My penis is like Mock the Week. No one
looked at it for four years, so it had

be made twice as long.

I've got a little electrical gadget you
may want to use later.

It's a defibrillator.

Is that not what you meant when you
said, drop a log on the fire?

I wondered if you fancied a

shule.

God, sometimes you are just like your
father, and that really turns me on.

So somewhere in here, I have secreted a
pork chipolata, and I'll let you know

when you're getting what... This isn't
what you meant when you said play hide

the sausage.

The labia's connected to the clitoris.

Sorry, it's just a song I do to help get
my bearings.

A lot of women are intimidated by...

Magicians?

Oh, yeah, baby, oh, yeah. Sorry, one
second.

Idea for TV show, Britain's Weirdest
Fannies.

They, um, they didn't have any
handcuffs, so I've brought a bike lock.

We have to be together. We have so much
in common.

We even have the same mom.

Oh, Dobby's a naughty little house elf.

Dobby needs to be punished.

Dobby, sorry, doggy style.

Never heard of it.

We're wearing the same pants.

You look different from the picture in
your obituary.

Could I have your watch? I'm trying to
make my wife jealous.

So what position are we trying?

Thick seven.

Oh God, you're way too young for me.

I can give you eight inches, so long as
you're happy to accept it in four easy

-to -manage installments.

I thought you might like some music.

This is the theme to Bagpuss.

You know, you're a really good kisser,
and I could tell. I've kissed over 80

,000 men.

I'm afraid I've run out of chocolate
body paint, but I've got some Madison's

fish paste.

Good question.

I favour being tickled gently on the
anus with a feather.

Or a starter from the menu.

Oh, bonjour. I can't get my packet of
crisps open.

That's the end of that round. The points
go to Ed, Rhys and Jimmy.

That's the end of the show.

This week's winners are...

Alistair Beckett -King, Hugh Dennison,
Eddie Taylor.

Commiserations to Janine Haruni, Rhys
James, and Ed Byrne.

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara Breen.
Good night.