All language subtitles for Mock the Week - S22E06

Read about the things that happen
throughout the world.

Don't believe in everything you see or
hear.

Read all about...

and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara O
'Brien.

Joining us this week are Milton Jones,
Rhys James and Sarah Keyworth, Angela

Barnes, Aher Shah and Glenn Moore.

We'll start now with a round call. If
this is the answer, what is

the question on the board of six
categories? Sarah, which category would

like? Home news, please, Dara. OK,
you're talking at home news.

The answer is nearly 100. What is the
question?

Is it at what age I will stop being
mistaken for a teenage boy?

God, thanks.

Milton? Is it how many times did I look
at the news this week and think

I'm not going to bother turning up?

My husband's from the Middle East. Well,
Norfolk.

And Mark Dewey has entered the war.

Is it, how many years do you get in
prison if you ask the judge for a girl

his little hammer?

Is it, how many problems has Jay -Z got?

Very nearly, very nearly.

For the older people, how many balloons
that are red has Nina got?

Is it, how many of the 101 Dalmatians
were actually Labradors who'd been

paintballing?

Is it, how many bees tall am I?

A hundred if I'm on my tippy toes.

Is it, what does David Attenborough
mutter every morning to get himself

the day?

How many times you can say duck before
people start to think you're never going

to say goof?

Last week, I gave Liz Truss a thousand
pounds to invest.

How many pounds do I now have?

How many times have I waited at the
stage door for Abbey Voyage before

they're not going to come out?

Is it what percentage of Dara's body is
hairless?

Surprisingly barely.

Is it how many posters of Obama is too
many on my bedroom wall, considering

she's not as famous as her dad?

She's like 30, what are you doing?

Is it what would you score on Pointless
for saying Rhys James in the category

cool, sexy comedian?

Is it how many different animals are in
the cheapest sausage?

Oh, that's the one.

That's the same as Marley or Obama,
apparently.

What percent of my money did I lose when
I invested in Brewdog the Musical?

Is it how many laps of heaven Captain
Tom has completed?

In many ways, you're editing the show
here, and I don't think you're making

decisions on it.

Do we have the correct answer? Is it how
many years Labour held Gorton and

Denton's seat before the election?

That's absolutely right. Thank you very
much, Rhys. Yes,

the question I was looking for was how
many years did the Labour Party hold the

seat in Gorton and Denton before losing
it to the Green Party in the recent by

-election? She's our first ever Super
Mario MP.

She is? Yes, a plumber who we haven't
seen do any plumbing.

Yeah, wants to legalise mushrooms.

I think I'm turning into my nan, because
I keep referring to her as a lady

plumber. That is a big debate, yeah,
yeah. Right, and I hate myself every

say it. I think, what's going to happen?
I'm going to wake up, vote reform, and

try and turn on the dishwasher with the
Sky remote.

There's a whole thing about how... Like,
a female plumber or a woman plumber

sounds quite creepy and weird, so you're
left with a lady plumber.

Hello, I'm a lady plumber. That's what I
call my gynecologist. Absolutely.

She's not a lady plumber.

I'm a lady plumber.

Wouldn't it be fair to say that we've
all been pretending we've always known

what gautin and dentin is?

No.

I keep thinking it sounds like...
manufacturers who make trousers that old

people can soil themselves in.

Is that a company? Sorry, is that a
company that make trousers for old

soil themselves in?

You used to be on the back of Sunday
Supplements, but you're too young to

remember that.

Dragon, I'm asking for a hundred... We
will now do a demonstration.

Over to you, Deborah.

She did say in her victory speech, she
was like, apologies to anyone who I've

got appointments with, I'm going to have
to cancel.

And if you did have an appointment with
her that she was going to fix, you'd be

so pissed off that you'd want to take it
to your local MP.

LAUGHTER You'd be like, you!

Gee, there's a bloody racket round here.

The thing is that Zach Polanski, who's
the leader of the Greens, isn't an MP,

right? He's not a sitting MP. She now
is, because she's more powerful than

So any time he tells her to do
something, she'll be like, yeah, all

Billy, no seat. Why don't you do it
yourself?

Hannah, I think you should ask the Prime
Minister. Oh, I think, I think. Get

your own seat. You can ask him yourself,
you dickhead.

It's nice that the party called Labour
has been defeated by a woman who's done

some.

But the harsh thing is for Starmer,
because it's obviously a huge loss for

Labour, that they didn't win this.

And one of the main reasons they won is
because she was campaigning on being a

plumber. And the only reason she could
be a plumber is with tools made by

Starmer's dad.

Everyone's angry with Starmer, but
they're going to be even angrier when

find out how much promoting of foreign
manufacturing he does.

Apparently the first word he said in his
wedding vows was Ikea.

How did Reform react to their loss at
the by -election?

They claimed it was rigged. They did.
They said there was family voting.

Yeah. But I think that's also just
Reform being suspicious of the concept

loved ones.

That is what families are, isn't it?
It's like, yeah, we live in a democracy,

society, but within that society and
democracy is a thousand mini

-dictatorships. That is what families
are. Parents are dictators, aren't they?

Look, I didn't get a vote as a kid as to
whether or not I got christened.

That was decided by this sort of
Mussolini figure who raised me.

And her puppet husband.

One half -term, right, me and my
siblings won the Democratic vote to go

Thorpe Park, OK?

Was that democracy upheld? No, we went
to Halford.

Dictatorships, of course. This is how it
works. You're a dictator. You've got

kids. You're a dictator.

Yeah, of course I am. Otherwise, stuff
wouldn't get done.

I'm sorry, that sounds slightly fascist.

You're not wearing a black shirt,
though.

I think I'm going to get this model
train to run on time.

Meanwhile, what have the Clintons been
up to this week?

Managing the greetings card company.

Yep.

Meanwhile, what have Bill and Hillary
Clinton been up to?

They've been being deposed about their
being in the Epstein file.

And the thing is, Bill Clinton is sort
of the one guy where you're like, it'd

weirder if you hadn't been.

You find out that Stephen Hawking was
there, and you're like, sorry, what?

And then someone says that Clinton was
there, and you're like... Oh, yeah, the

sex president. Yeah, the guy who, you
know, had sex in the Oval Office. How

would he not have been there? I mean,
Epstein would be in Clinton's file.

Just like Clinton clearly has a type,
and that type is women with large black

boxes around their face.

That square thing has become so iconic
now that I'm going to do an app that

will... Redact your photos on your phone
just randomly.

So when you're clicking through, just
redacted faces just appear.

I think that is... Dragon, if you give
me... For a redacted one.

So randomly your photographs will just
have somebody...

How upsetting

would it be, though, if you did that on
your phone randomly and it just covered

up your face?

Although, yeah, Dara, no one would ever
be able to work out who that was.

You might want to redact the words, mock
the week, behind you.

It's a very good point.

Contextual clues.

If you don't hold it right, it looks
like you're trying to sneak a peek.

Redact it back.

That's what it looks like when two ahead
of you is a megabus, but ahead of you

is a hearse.

Moving on, how are councils cracking
down on fly -tipping?

Why would they do that if a fly gives
you good service?

I thought, like... You're right. It
really is.

I've got a fly -tip.

If you wear a button rather than a zip,
you'll never forget to do it back up.

You know, I remember 5010, my cock was
always hanging out.

Oh, I know, I've worked with you for
years.

And that's why you're now redacted.

So it just reminded me of a story. My
friend got on a train and went to the

toilet and he accidentally hooked... I
can't tell it.

Just for the room, right?

We'll put a black square over it.

He went to the toilet and he had his
earphones on.

And when he came out, he hadn't realised
that when he'd done his trousers up,

the earphone cord had wrapped around his
business.

And then when he got back into the
train, he put his earphones on and just

pulled his earphones out.

Time for a podcast.

Oh,

the rest is history.

What a weird December when your Spotify
wrapped is just your dick.

Probably he wouldn't have been able to
hear everyone screaming.

The good thing is, if we all do a joke
about it, it has to go down.

Do you know what? He was very
embarrassed

and he let himself down a bit, but no
-one knew because he was wearing a fresh

pair of Gorton indentures.

At the end of that round, the points go
to Angela Aher and Glenn.

Join us after the break for more Mock
the Week.

Now, President Cole, you think that's
bad?

In a world where everything seems to be
going wrong, this is a chance for our

performers to compete to outdo each
other with tales of woe from their

and I decide whose is the worst.

Any in care to start us off? I'll go
first, if you like. I bought a tumble

dryer. this week because you know things
are going all right and um i got it

home and this top dryer is wi -fi
enabled and i don't really understand

it's made me really paranoid that the
russians are going to hack it and i

they have because the other day i took
all the socks out and all the little

were inside one big one you can actually
save a lot of money on

a wi -fi enabled dryer if you set a vpn
to pretend it's somewhere warmer

It's really gonna say that you some
trousers that really need washing You

that's bad my girlfriend's got this
parrot she keeps in the cage next to the

I hate it so much. It's just such an
idiot.

It's genuinely the dumbest parrot I've
ever seen in my life It thinks I'm

Jonathan. It keeps asking me to fuck it
harder

If you think that's bad, I once texted
my dad saying, Hi, Dad, can you pick me

up tonight? But my phone changed the
word pick to oil.

Yeah, OK, Peter Mandelson, we believe
you.

If you think that's bad, the woman I'm
seeing at the moment thinks my name's

Jonathan.

into place do you think that's bad last
week my wife and i watched all the

episodes of game of thrones back to back
unfortunately i wasn't the one facing

the screen

what's

the dragon like tell me what the dragon
is like you think that's bad when i was

at school i once uh called my teacher
dad uh instead of daddy

You think that's bad? I just booked a
non -refundable holiday to Dubai in a

week's time.

I think that's bad. I've had a difficult
life. My earliest memory is getting hit

round the head with a cricket bat when I
was 28.

I think that's bad. I tried to impress a
girl once by putting my foot down on

the pedal, but apparently she'd seen a
bin open like that before.

I think that's bad. My own phone
autocorrects my name to the word shit.

I hear it as shit, not shatter shit.
You'd assume it'd be shatter shit,

you? I wouldn't perceive any of that.

Autocorrect my first name to the word
shit, autocorrect my surname to the word

shag.

Which you are.

Angela and I had a very acrimonious
divorce.

I never even had a boyfriend.

Can we, in the edit, just use that?

At the end of that round, the points go
to Angela Aher and Glenn.

The next round is called Redacted
Redacted Andrew Redacted Manifold

Island.

This game involves Angela and Milton, so
if you could make your way to the

performance area, please.

This round is a stand -up challenge. I
launch the wheel of news, and wherever

children stop, one of our performers can
step forward and talk about that

subject. The winner is whoever I think
is the funniest.

OK, here we go. Let's start off with a
topic, please.

Let's spin the wheel.

The first topic is nudity. Who wants to
come in last?

Angela.

The look of fear on the audience's face.

I'm not good at being naked. I don't
like being naked. I've tried all those

things you're supposed to do to be okay
with your own naked body. You know,

you're supposed to stand in front of a
mirror and say out loud all the things

you love about your body. But
unfortunately, the only thing I ever

is left nipple marginally less hairy
than right.

Or German, really. German people are
really good at being naked. If you've

been on a holiday to the Canary Islands,
you'll know it's just English pubs and

German penises as far as the eye can
see.

Well, they have the highest number of
nudists per capita in the world. That's

true for Germans. They love getting it
out. But they do it in a very German

They're not all embarrassed like we are,
a red face.

Why wouldn't I want to get the air on
all my bits? It's just very German.

And I read about this because there's a
German nudist movement. You might have

seen their... They're beaches all over
Europe. They're called the FKK beaches,

you know, the fried corporate culture,
the free body movement.

And I'm telling you about it because I
read about the man who started that

movement in the 1920s in Germany, and
his name was, I shit you not, Adolf

Now...

stop thinking about adolf koch back in
1920s germany because i think there must

have been a moment must have there must
have been a moment where he went oh no

oh no i started a nudist movement and my
last name is english slang for male

genitalia oh no thank god i've got a
nice normal first name

that happened he didn't know what was
around the corner that's how you know

hitler's the worst dictator isn't it
because he's ruined both these names you

can't call a baby adolf anymore you're
not allowed to you can still call a baby

benito you can still call a baby joseph
i said it to my friend he said yeah you

can still call a baby paul i said paul
he said paul pot i said that's not his

name glad you got that dara

That leaves us with Milton. Let's see
what your topic is. Spin the wheel.

Topic is... Espionage.

The Russians have infiltrated

everything.

Even the instructions to my cottage pie
last night said, Putin microwave.

Do you need to know something, ladies
and gentlemen?

I've spent some time in the secret
services.

The ones between Swansea and Cardiff on
the M4.

Where all the signs are encrypted.

I'm not quite sure why I lost my job
with MI5 as an interrogator. I didn't

to ask.

They said that reports of me defecting
in a stairwell. I said they needed to

read the reports more carefully.

I was sponsored by Gorton and Denton.

Another time, I was supposed to put
bombs under ships in the harbour. I

accidentally filled all our breathing
equipment with nitrous oxide. I mean, we

laughed about it at the time.

time I woke up in the middle of the
night was a beautiful woman in my

said who are you what do you want she
looked at me and went Nikita and sure

enough when I woke up in the morning my
radiator was missing

it's

not a Nikita

It's not easy to kill, not even a mouse.

In fact, I'm still banned from Euro
Disney.

Thank you very much for the joke.

And the points go to Angela.

Join us after

the break for more Muck the Week.

Our next round is called Picture of the
Week. I see the panel topical image and

ask them to tell me what is happening.

So, teams, what's going on here?

That looks like 8pm Christmas Day when
one person has still got their paper hat

on.

It's a serious occasion, so he's wearing
the formal presidential trucker hat.

That hat was actually Lincoln's.

Is this a picture of the happiest meal
anyone's ever had in a harvester?

There's a guy coming in through the
curtain going, sorry, I've got this room

booked from four for Zumba.

Is that what ChatGPC will show you if
you say, can I see American Mock the

Would this be the least appropriate time
ever for a photographer to say, now

let's do a silly one?

Is this photo taken, like, two minutes
after he said, which one is Iraq and

which one is Iran?

Come on, Donald, let's just plan one
more bombing, then you can stand in

of the map again and pretend to do the
weather.

While they've hung black curtains and
drapes all around and it's completely

changed the shape of the room. Let's see
what the owners think.

I'm going to do something no president
has ever had the bravery to do.

Bomb the Middle East.

That woman does look like she's just
said, we did say that we would wear

today.

Imagine Keir Starmer wearing a hat with
GB written on it.

I mean, Gordon Brown, all right.

Anyone have the correct answer, please?

It's Operation Epic Fury.

It is, of course. Thank you very much. I
heard that.

Yes, this is news. President Donald
Trump pictured in the Situation Room

where Operation Epic Fury was launched.
This is news that the United States and

Israel launched extensive airstrikes
against Iran. In response, Iran has

launched retaliatory strikes across the
region. And at the time of recording,

the conference is still ongoing.

We are aware that it's a very sensitive
and fast -moving situation.

And obviously, we're everyone's choice,
Mock the Week, to discuss this at some

detail.

They've all requested it. Yeah, Mock the
Week, they'll do a brilliant job of

really digging down in a sensitive way
to what is a very delicate situation.

internationally. Yeah, Epic Fury, isn't
it? It's so American, isn't it? Might as

well call it Operation Kaboom.

What they should be calling it is
Operation Distract Everyone from the

Files for a bit.

Oh, shit, I've started a rally.

It's not the most FIFA Peace Prize thing
he's done.

I will say that while that's maybe not
the most important thing in some ways,

is quite the most striking thing that
he's the first person to ever host a

Cup and bomb one of the participants in
the building.

There are very few precedents for that.
I think you'll find Italy did it to

Trinidad and Tobago in 2006.

Very much so. There are a lot of clever
people out there. I mean, you remember

Saddam Hussein. He had a degree in
chemistry and combined in humanities.

Where is the... This is the... I love
that you just move on.

You never dignify Milton with a
response. You just turn away.

It gives us its time, and then we move
on.

That's really what we should do.

This is the situation room from which
this was launched. Where is this top

secret, secure room? Is it at a wedding
venue? It looks like they've just torn

it off a bit of a wedding venue. It's
very much at a wedding venue.

It's got all the security of a mum
holding a towel in front of you at the

LAUGHTER What's happening? Are they
saying, please stop talking about the

Yeah, sort of.

LAUGHTER

remind you that you asked us.

At no point did I go, yes, I know we're
having some fun talking about shitting

yourself into trousers. I'd like to talk
about the war, please.

Shitting yourself into trousers.

I'm going to shit myself. In other news.

What's going on here?

There's other news. Michael McIntyre's
tours hit Blackpool.

That's the smile of a man who actually
has a nuclear weapon.

This is how you solve a small boat
crisis.

He looks so shy.

Doesn't he know he's beautiful?

He is. He's so cute.

He's cute.

He is cute. We have to admit, he is
cute. He might be evil, but he's cute.

like a labubu made of asbestos.

He is cute. Is he a little grab the
cheeks?

Yeah.

20 years ago, you'd get photos developed
at the chemist, and then sometimes

you'd end up getting someone else's
photo.

But it'd always look like this photo.

I had a busy morning playing Jenga with
massive bricks.

Yes, of course, it's a story that
Supreme Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong

has officially named his successor as
his 13 -year -old daughter, Kim Ju -ae.

Another photograph released this week,
wearing matching leather jackets.

Looking very cool.

There they go!

Whoa, their jackets are matching.

Where did you get them? The same shop?

They're the same height, and they're
nearly 100 bees tall.

What is amazing is that North Korea is
going to have a female leader before the

Labour Party do.

I didn't realise that Kim Jong -un
succeeded his own father.

And it's just like, it's so annoying
when you really like somebody and then

realise they're a nepo baby.

Moving on. What has shoplifting in the
UK been targeting?

Chocolate bars. Yes, chocolate bars. And
it's like a gang thing.

yeah they found um bodies of 10 men
wearing concrete shoes in wonka's

river now apparently there was one man
was found with a a coat full

stuffed full with cadbury's cream egg
and reader i married him yeah

chocolate has become the thing to steal
now there are lots of high value

chocolates out there credo's a 45p now
that's

I can't believe people are stealing
chocolate.

Maybe they should put a bounty on their
head.

I can't believe you

didn't believe in that, which is clearly
the best joke of the entire show.

I remember years ago going into a
newsagent and opening a packet of Perot

Rocher. took the wrapper off and stuffed
them down my trousers and then the

shopkeeper stopped me on the way out and
a couple of them just rolled out on the

floor and he said, are those chocolates?

And I said, I hope so.

I did read the story about the guy who
was caught with a coat full of cream

and all I could think is, obviously I
don't condone violence, but imagine if

they'd shot him.

This guy appears to have cum everywhere.

Like in a movie going, you made me cum
my own cum.

I'm washing my hands and I'm washing my
hands but the fondant won't come off.

Is that better?

Insensitivity with the wall or cum jokes
about cream eggs.

We only have two tones here.

Supermarkets are too accusatory anyway,
man. Whenever you're at the self

-checkout, it says, have you swiped your
Nexa card? It's like, no, I signed up

for it fair and square.

They said that they're being stolen to
order, right? And I just think, well,

surely everything's stolen because
someone wants it.

Who's going, that looks shit, I'll have
it.

TLC. Ah, that's the end of that.

The next

round is called Between the Lines. If
it's Glenn and Rhys, would you make your

way to the press pit, please?

Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise
of a leading figure on the world stage,

while Glenn will translate what they
really mean. This week, Rhys... is Peter

Mandelson.

Oh, good.

Good evening.

I am here to finally answer all your
questions.

And at the end of the day, there won't
be a stain on my character.

I can't say the same about my pants.

I am not worthy of my peerage.

I'm the worst lord since Voldemort.

Let me be clear. I am not the Prince of
Darkness.

I have been stripped of that title.

I am now the Mountbatten Windsor of
darkness.

The idea of me as some evil manipulator
is ridiculous.

Jesus Christ.

My life is in ruin. Who in their right
mind would consider employing me now?

I'm delighted to accept the role as
manager of Spurs.

I am proud to have created employment
opportunities for young people.

Thanks to Jeffrey Epstein, my husband's
a qualified osteopath.

I am embarrassed by the images of me in
the Epstein files.

I look like Winnie the fucking Poe!

I am still good friends with Tony Blair.

Well, he recently texted me saying,
sorry, new phone, who did?

I still have plans.

to make a positive contribution.

I will destroy Harry Potter and become
all powerful and immortal.

So what

is going on

here? Is this a photograph of a man
whose only proven crime is friendship?

There is a male loneliness epidemic.

You've got to check in on your mates 10
,000 times a day.

It's OK not to be OK.

That's what he was emailing. I mean, you
can live on an island and also be an

island.

I recognise this. That's the frustrated
look of someone having to collect a

parcel that's been left with a neighbour
even though he was in all day.

It's weird to think that he's Nelson
Mandela's son.

That comment is on enough, I think.

I mean, you must see an awful
disappointment in the family.

I can imagine being Peter Manson now.
Every time the phone rings, he must shit

himself. But luckily, he's wearing
gorgeous clothes.

OK, at the end of that round, the point
is going to be Sarah Rees and Milton.

Join us after the break for more Mock
the Week.

Now we play a round called What on
Earth? I show the panel a topical image

ask them to tell me what's happening. So
teams, what's going on here?

Paul!

Is this how Jeffrey Epstein actually
died?

Is he saying, come on Iran, who fucking
wants some?

The thing about this picture is, that
guy on the right's camouflage is good,

the six guys on the left's camouflage is
fucking amazing.

Is this the only gun that's got a
trigger big enough for his finger?

Has he just found an unconventional way
to scatter his mum's ashes?

It does sort of have the vibe of mummy's
dead and I can have a go now.

Is he saying, so during trooping of the
colour, this can fire three T -shirts

into the crowd at once?

Oh, man, if that's all that came out,
that would be very funny. If they did

that, they would... ..tweet each other,
Giles!

Is this just for if any more of his
family decide to marry Americans?

Yes, it's actually an air rifle.

Oh!

Come on!

Well,

welcome to Radio 4.

Quip of the week.

Oh, God, not on the BBC anymore.

Yes,

this is Charles handling a missile
launcher on a recent visit to an army

barrack. What further indignity has my
brother Andrew suffered this week?

Oh, it's terrible.

They've said that King Charles has told
him not to go horse riding, but I think

King Charles just told him not to mount
anything.

When was this, then?

No, no, no.

That's a file photograph.

He didn't immediately go, well, screw
you!

The big issue was the whole thing
questioned. That's sugar.

I don't get why he would want to go
horse riding anyway, because that's kind

an activity that teenage girls are
more... Oh, I get it. OK.

He doesn't look good.

No. He looks horrible on a horse.

Charles says, we want you not to ride a
horse because it just doesn't suit you.

He's calling me and going, Andrew, you
look shit.

Your legs are all out and down.

You don't have a side.

It's not a good look for you, Andrew.

Do you think those trousers have been
made by Gorton and Denton?

I don't think people would recognise
him, actually. Well, you can see the

who was putting the lines on a football
pitch just went right over him.

Do you think he, you know, because he
must be stressed at the moment with all

this stuff that's going on. Yeah. I'm
sure it's his fault, but he must have

been. Do you think he listens to
relaxation tapes to try and take the

and it's like, just breathe, imagine
you're on a desert island, and he

Apparently, now

he's been banned from River Island.

At the end of that round, the points go
to Angela Ahern -Glenn.

scenes we'd like to see, so if everyone
can make their way over to the

performance area, I'll read it this
week's topic, then we'll see what our

panellists can come up with. Here we go.
The first subject is unlikely things to

hear in hospital.

Come straight through. We're not busy.

So, you're not going to believe this,
but it turns out that with this sort of

machine, turning it off and on again is
actually the worst thing you can do.

I'm afraid it's bad news.

I've left my wedding ring in your bum.

We have the results of your are -you
-allergic -to -chairs test.

You might want to stand up for this.

So you sat down suddenly on a golf
course and had sudden rectal pain.

That's a red flag for me.

Okay, just stand still for the x -ray.

Great. All right, let's do a silly one.

You can't keep prescribing pizza, Dr.
Oetker.

I've got the results from your x -ray.

He doesn't want to get back together.

Well, I was told that grieving and
shitting yourself during childbirth was

normal, but now apparently I'm a bad
midwife.

Son of a bitch.

Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Bitch,
it's a beautiful baby boy.

Mr. Smith, you've got a sausage up your
nose and mashed potato in your hair.

You need to eat more sensibly.

I appreciate that you're upset, and I'm
not trying to brag or anything, but I

said he had six months, and I got it
bang on.

Madam, when I said open wide, I meant
your mouth.

Well, Mr. Wallace, incredible to see.
They've done a very successful full face

and full body transplant.

I'm in the wrong room.

Yes, we first became concerned that you
had a problem with cholesterol when we

took a slice of blood.

We've lost him.

Oh, no, he's over there.

I'm afraid you're going to have to take
a pill a day, every day, for the rest of

your life.

So, here's nine pills.

The parking here is free.

Bad news, you did shit yourself during
surgery.

But good news, you were wearing Gordon
and Denton trousers!

Going down?

Yeah, I'll tell you how your
grandmother's operation went in a

you just press that button, please? The
one that says morgue.

Don't worry, this sort of shooting,
stabbing pain is very common in people

who've been shot and stabbed.

I've been a doctor for 30 years. Of
course you can show me your scar.

The surgery was a success. We managed to
amputate your leg with no problems. And

we kept the one with the cool tattoo
that says, amputate.

The next topic is...

Things you wouldn't hear in a cooking
show.

And this week it's a tricky skill test
as we ask our chefs to negotiate peace

the Middle East.

As you can see, this lamb just falls
right off the bone, which is why we're

the vet.

I want that real home -cooked feel, so
I'm going to cock up the recipe, throw

in the garden and tell my husband to
cook his own fucking dinner.

And today on Celebrity MasterChef, the
surrealist Icelandic singer is cooking

pjork.

Hate speech?

Hate speech? What do you mean, hate
speech? I just want to know the chairman

the judges has a flavour of yoghurt he
doesn't like.

Oh, hates peach.

So if you just give a little tap on the
bottom, you'll lose your job at

MasterChef.

Well, as you can see, chopping up onions
has really made me cry. But thank you

for watching.

Today's episode is in memory of our
beloved family dog, onions.

Here's a little tip if you're making
your own sourdough.

Shut up about it, nobody gives a fuck.

Today I'm making a classic roast chicken
with an American twist.

The chicken's got a gun!

intentionally left the chicken raw in
the middle because i know greg wallace

going to be tasting it simba i know you

thought it was selling out to do a lion
king cookery show but i brought you a

sandwich tuna tomato okay

this is mary berry saying you've got
Five minutes left,

bakers, and I'm getting fucking hungry.

Now, do be careful, because if there's
too much oil, there's a chance you'll be

bombed by the United States.

I don't know if you do cheat days, but
when I do, I like to call up the local

Italian and have sex with her instead of
my wife.

Simmer for 20 to 30 years and then snap
and kill everyone.

Well, in 15 years of presenting Bake
Off, that is the most delicious pastry

ever tasted.

I think you've earned the famous Paul
Hollywood hand job.

Welcome to Is It Cake, where you can't
believe it's cake and we can't believe

you watch this shit.

Once again, today we're going to be
making fruit wine.

I'm going to be using my feet to crush
the banana skin.

Now, this dessert is rather naughty. In
fact, it features really quite

prominently in the Epstein files.

What the fuck are you doing?

What the fuck is that? This piece of...
That's not a souffle. That's a piece of

shit. You're a fucking lowlife. How are
you going to win Junior MasterChef like

this?

That's the end of that round. The points
go to Sarah, Rhys and Milton.

And that's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Angela Barnes,
Ayesha and Glenn Moore.

Commiserations to Milton Jones, Rhys
James and Sarah Keyworth.

Thanks for watching. I'm Daryl Breen.
Good night.