Original subtitles

- Check it out. - Oh, yeah!

- Come on. - Please.

Let us join this union.

- The more the merrier. - All the way! Yeah!

I'm gonna ask Yolanda's ex-girlfriend to bid on the Provocations job.

- Is she a contractor? - Carpenter.

She's got an all-woman crew.

You should definitely hire her.

- Hey. - Hey, guys.

- Hello. - Hello.

The most important thing are his pills. He gets them three times a day.

Three times a day with wet food.

It's best to let him wake up on his own

so he's less crabby about taking them.

But he should be OK. Right, P? Right, Mr P?

- You're up so early. - I guess it's the excitement of the trip.

- That she's too busy to go on. - You can party for both of us.

- Right on. - Let's go.

Was Jenny's a regular latte?

- Is Jenny going with you? - I invited her.

- I felt bad for her. She's all alone. - That's good... I guess.

Say bye, everybody.

I'm gonna stay with Auntie Kit while Mommy goes away with her friends.

Say bye, Shane, Lenore, Bette and Tina. Have fun in Palm Springs.

- Yes, Auntie Kit will watch your back. - Thank you so much.

Congratulate me. I got my period.

- So why are we congratulating you? - Huh?

- 'Cause I love getting my period. - She does. Ever since she was a kid.

It reaffirms my womanhood. I like to celebrate it to, you know...

show women everywhere it's a blessing, it's not a curse.

OK? You guys, road trip? Let's go!

See you, Kit. Bye, Bette.

- I'll call you. - Have a Slippery Nipple for me.

By the way, you were amazing on Insight. Absolutely amazing.

I really applaud your cause and your commitment.

God, that bitch, Fae Buckley, you should have decked her.

- Thank you. - It was great.

- So is this a golf tournament? - Yeah.

It's the Kraft Nabisco Professional Women's Golf Tournament.

- Or the Dinah Shore weekend. - Is she gay?

No. Dinah Shore's dead. She died back in '94.

She hated her snooty little golf tournament

turned into a spring break for lesbians.

Refused to acknowledge it. There are supposed to be 10,000 women there.

- Oh, God. - She's done research.

I'm doing a story for The Weekly.

Gotta make something out of this lame-ass weekend.

And Dana's getting an HRC award.

- We're totally proud of her. - What's that?

It's the Human Rights Campaign,

the biggest gay civil-rights organisation in the country.

- It's a huge deal. - Congratulations.

Thank you.

♪ I looked to the children ♪

♪ I drank from the fountains ♪

♪ There's more than one answer to these questions ♪

♪ Pointing me in a crooked line ♪

Yeah!

♪ The less I seek my source for some definitive ♪

♪ Closer I am to fine, yeah ♪

♪ Closer I am to fine, yeah! ♪

Thank God!

Know how many times I had to hear that when Alice was coming out?

It was a nightmare. It was all about Annie Flaherty.

You tell them your coming-out story, honey. It's so hilarious.

It's not my coming-out story. It was just a drunk high-school grope.

- Tell us your coming-out story. - They got hammered.

Then they scampered under the bleachers for a smoke,

which she was not allowed to do.

And then just as they were about to kiss...

Annie vomited all over Alice.

My real coming-out story happened in college.

My boyfriend and I had this band, Butter.

We played every weekend at the Tap Room which was our bar on campus.

Butter rules!

I'm telling you!

It was three guys and me.

I wasn't that into it, but Greg thought we were gonna go all the way.

Where's Brad?

Our bass player quit, so we had three days to find a new one.

We had auditions. These guys couldn't play to save their lives.

Get your feet off the table. Have some respect.

Dave, give me my last fucking cigarette!

Fucking cock.

And then... Tayo walks on stage.

Don't fucking touch me. God! All over me!

We were famous in our little college universe.

People came just to see us.

And me and Tayo, we had amazing chemistry on stage.

Tayo and I only lasted about two months.

She went through every gay, lesbian,

bisexual and transgender organisation on campus.

- She totally broke my heart. - That's why you're a dirty bisexual, huh?

- Tell your story. - You know I can't.

- Why? - It's probably fresh wounds.

- It was 12 years ago, Mom. - God, she was beautiful.

It was at tennis camp. I was 16. She was 17.

Everybody out on the courts! Let's go!

She was my counsellor.

I'd tell you her name, but she's famous now, so I can't.

I'll just call her Ralph.

Aren't you ready yet?

God, she had the most beautiful eyes you have ever seen.

I love you, (BLEEP).

I love you more.

- What happened next? - She wrote her best friend at home.

She told her about us and how in love we were,

and her friend told her parents.

Her parents yanked her out of camp.

- Come on. - We'll talk it over.

I don't wanna talk about it right now. Just go, please.

Go.

After that I ran into her at a few matches

and she wouldn't even look at me.

So, anyway, that's it.

Tennis players are like girls in college. Gay until graduation.

- Sorry to bother you... - James, you don't have to say sorry.

Sorry... a Candace Jewell is here to see you.

- Tell her I'll meet her in the conference room. - OK.

We'll dedicate this gallery to Isabella Pernao,

who does these amazing video installations,

who I think should be on this wall,

and Ray Fields' work on the other wall, hand-drawn, lettered books.

We'll need to construct some display cases for those.

- It's like theatre-set construction. - Is that good?

I did it in college. I loved it.

Look, what if instead of wall mounting,

we were to construct free-standing scaffolding?

It'd work something like shoji screens.

I think it would make the space more dynamic for displaying the work.

- How long would it take you to get me a bid? - Today?

- That would be great. - OK.

OK, then. My coming-out story also involves someone famous.

Is she gay?

It was the '70s

and every weekend I went to one of these parties at the mansion,

which, of course, was full of swingers and orgies and drugs,

as I am sure you girls know.

One night an ex of mine I hadn't seen in years,

he was sitting right there in the living room.

All I could say was, "I thought I told you to wait in the car."

Mom, that is straight out of Tallulah Bankhead's biography.

That doesn't mean that I didn't say it.

Anyway, where was I?

The pool. Well, I don't wanna be indiscreet,

but there was an incident in a pool with two girls.

I mean, these girls were real knock-outs.

Most of the girls at those parties were,

but they were giving each other a tonsil inspection

that would make a doctor blush.

So I decided, what the hey, and joined in.

What can I say? One thing led to another and...

It was hot.

Shane, do you wanna share your story?

Yeah. That's easy.

Tiffany Gardner.

She was this gorgeous blonde who lived down the street.

I used to sit and watch her play in the park.

Then one day I thought,

"Fuck this. Enough's enough. I'm gonna meet this chick."

So I pack up my Sunshine Meal and I walk over to her.

She's sitting in the sand playing hard to get. I knew I was hooked.

That girl took my Sunshine Meal toy. And then she took my heart.

OK, perfect timing! Here we are.

Jenny, will you open the door for my mom?

That reminds me of this tragic lesbian

that passed out on my kitchen floor.

John Cassavetes and Gena Rowlands had come for lunch.

They had had a couple of drinks. Just as they walk in, she wakes up.

- Mom, I think your phone's ringing. - Let me finish my story.

- She wakes up at that moment... - Maybe it's your new agent.

Oh, my God. You're right.

- Bye, Lenore. - My God, you guys.

Bye, Lenore.

Dana, help me. Grab a bag.

- I can get that one. I can get it. - Come on!

Mom, I've left your bag on the porch!

- Get in the car. Go! - Bye, Lenore!

Go, go, go, go!

Am I going to hell for that?

Your asses were in this van so fast. Come on.

Poor Lenore.

Oh, fuck.

Hello? No, hi. No.

No, of course not.

We didn't know how long you were gonna be

and Dana's gotta register for the event.

So, yeah.

OK, yeah, of course. Of course. I will.

OK, I'll talk to you soon. Bye.

She was making us crazy, right?

- Right? - Yeah, yeah.

Dana? Dana Fairbanks. So glad to meet you. I'm Tonya, guest liaison.

I'm here to take care of all your needs.

Excuse me! This is Dana Fairbanks.

Someone take her stuff to her room, suite 251.

- Are you alone? - No, I'm with friends.

Wanna bring them to the dinner?

I need you at a photo shoot in about an hour.

- We'll be fine. - We'd cramp Dana's style.

OK. So glad to have you here. I'll have to protect you from the staff.

Seriously, though,

I am here to act as a buffer between you and your fans.

OK.

Now, I'm gonna give you the key to your room and here's my card.

I'll give you my cellphone number. Use it if you need anything.

A second opinion on what pair of shoes to wear, you just call me, OK?

See you in an hour. Bye, ladies.

- Bye. - Bye-bye.

- Wow. - Does that thing come with batteries, Dana?

I've never seen so many women in one place in my life.

- All of them greased up and ready to go. - You should go down there, you guys.

Guys. Guys!

Is this suit too conservative? I brought a dress.

- The suit's great. - Thanks.

- Hi. Is Dana here? - Uh-huh.

Excellent. Wow, you look phenomenal.

But I bet you would in anything that you wear.

- Passes, and a chance to win an Olivia cruise. - Thanks, Tonya.

So, are you ready to go? Excellent.

I've got my work cut out for me with you.

People are gonna be all over you.

- Bye, girls. - Have fun. Thank you again.

- Bye. - Thank you.

What's this?

- Oh. - I have your estimate for you.

OK... this is $50 more than the highest bidder.

May I?

Have you ever seen this?

- There are three sides to the triangle, see? - Fast, good, cheap.

You can have any two, but never all three together.

Course you can. If you have enough money... It wouldn't be cheap.

Fast and good with a big crew of skilled, highly paid workers.

Fast and cheap, but it would look like shit.

- Or cheap and good. - That's the one I want.

But you'll probably be bumping up against that carpenter

for the better part of a year.

- OK. - Are you here for a while longer?

I love that Cuban place. I could pick us up some take-out.

I'll draw you some rough sketches of what I'm thinking while we eat.

- OK. - Good. I'll put the order in.

You look at that while I'm gone.

Alice!

- Who knew? - I'm thinking not Dinah Shore.

- Wait, Al. - What?

- What about you, Jenny? - If I had a few more of these shots.

Present for Bette.

That's good. Should I call and ask if I should wear one?

Make it a surprise.

We just fought all the time.

You know how Yolanda is.

She isn't happy unless she's ranting about something.

She can't abide you if you disagree.

She won't respect you if you don't challenge her.

- She should have stayed in therapy. - Yeah.

Excuse me.

Can you excuse me for a second?

- Hey. - Hi! Oh, my God!

This is insane. I wish you could see it.

It's crazy. Say hi to the girls.

- Hi! - Hey, Bette.

- See? Everybody misses you. - I'm glad you're having fun. You deserve it.

I'm having some food with Candace. She's taking measurements.

What? It's so loud here. I can't hear you!

Are you still at work?

You should get some rest before the artists get there.

- I'll try. Can you hear me? - What?

- Hello? - Baby, you're cracking up. I can't hear you.

I'm gonna call you back later. Bye!

Is everything OK? The artwork isn't held up at customs?

No, nothing like that.

It was my girlfriend.

Oh.

I didn't know you had one.

Why would you?

- At least I can have a drink now. - Cheers.

Right there. That's what I call a hundred footer.

- What's that? - You can tell she's a lesbian from 100 feet.

Is it her hair? Is it her jog bra? Is it her mandles?

I can tell she's a lesbo from across a football field.

- What am I? - No, you're in transition. It's impossible.

- Come on. - You need a guy or a girl to tip you one way.

- Right? - Yeah.

Fuck.

Well, I guess I'd better get back to work

so I can get back to bed sometime tonight.

I have a phone meeting at 7am with New York.

I miss it. I'm from Brooklyn. I grew up there.

Old-school Brooklyn, before it was fashionable.

- North Philly, before it was a war zone. - Right.

This is totally a white party, you guys.

- I'm gonna go have another drink. - Bye.

- See you later. - Bye.

- One, two, three! - Fuck.

Good girl.

- OK, so what happened? - I go over to her house, like a fucking idiot.

I'm watching her with her real girlfriend,

which I know absolutely nothing about.

They're watching me like I'm this little sort of amusement,

this little plaything.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, my boy...

no, I'm sorry, my husband, my life...

my life is completely ruined.

She managed to fucking destroy my relationship

while leaving hers completely intact.

Wait. So this is the first woman you were ever with?

Oh, my God.

This is my coming-out story.

Ladies, I'm telling all of you guys my coming-out story.

Tell it! Tell it! Tell it!

Tell it! Tell it! Tell it!

I go to a party at my neighbour's, Bette and Tina's house.

Bette and Tina!

OK. I'm at the party, and there she is.

I see Marina.

She was possibly the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.

Later on that night she followed me into the bathroom.

And then she does it. The thing.

Am I crazy, drunk, hallucinating?

And I was thinking, "Am I crazy? Am I drunk? Am I hallucinating?"

And then she does it.

The thing that would go on to confuse me

and fuck with all things stable in my life.

I'm walking out the door and I'm thinking,

"I have just had the best fucking sex

in my whole fucking life, man!"

No, no, you guys. I'm serious.

This is probably the best sex

that anybody can have on the fucking planet Earth.

And then she does this fucking thing. Come here.

I'm gonna show you. Wait, I gotta be her.

Jenny, I hope this doesn't make it worse,

but I think I could fall in love with you.

- That's fucked. - Fucker.

Not, "I'm falling in love with you."

It's, "I think I'm falling in love with you."

She said, "I think I could fall in love with you."

That's even worse.

You don't hear "I think I could" 'cause you're not supposed to.

It's a trick. It's a fucking loophole.

She wrecked my fucking life with supposition.

- Here. - What?

Call her up. Tell her what a fucking fucker she is.

- You need to say it. - Do it. It'll cleanse you.

You think I should call her up?

Call her! Call her! Call her! Call her! Call her!

I'm gonna call her and tell her what a fucker she is

for fucking with my life and leaving her life as it is.

I'm gonna set that fucking bitch straight.

Shh! Shh! Please, please. OK, it's ringing.

Fuck.

Oh, my gosh, it's her.

I got you.

Hi. Is Thomas there?

This isn't Tom's house?

Hello?

Bitch hung up on me. Perfect.

I'll take that.

That was very nice of you.

- Well... - It was very kind.

It was my pleasure.

You were so amazing. You should be so proud of yourself.

That story about your mother was hysterical, OK?

And your coming-out story, oh, my God, it broke my heart.

- It did? - Did you and Lara ever work it out?

- No, I... - Dana, hey! I'm know I'm being a total geek.

- Would you sign my underwear? - Miss Fairbanks has an appointment.

- Excuse me. - I... I... Hi.

Hi. We have this bet on over here. Do you have a girlfriend?

I really don't think that's any of your business.

Your fans are getting out of control.

- It is flying through the air. - I would love to know what that feels like.

When you work with someone else, it's about trust.

"Did I give them a reason to not catch me?"

If I were a trapeze artist, I don't think anybody would catch me.

I would probably need this massive mat or something.

That's the third time you've referred to yourself as worthless.

Is this your Leaving Las Vegas moment?

Have you come here to get alcohol poisoning and die?

No, I'm not suicidal.

I've just fucked up my life just a little bit, you know?

So can I tell you something? Working on the trapeze is like fucking up.

50 feet above the ground...

... and you let go of the only security you have

to fly through the air.

In that moment, everything's lost.

You could live or die, but you've taken that risk.

Grabbing that bar is like getting a second chance,

so you grab it, swing on it...

and you do it all over again, Jenny.

Thanks. I appreciate this.

There are probably tons of people in my room.

Dana, I gotta be honest with you. I wanna make love to you.

OK.

Um... all right.

Magnificent.

I love you so much, more than I seem able to understand.

I never really knew happiness until I loved you. Sometimes when...

- Hi. - Hey.

- Hey. - Hey.

I've just never seen so much debauchery in my whole life.

I had so much tequila. I have no idea why I'm still standing right now.

And then I had to step over

all these women bodies in order to get to this room.

I feel sort of crazy, you know.

What happened with the lady? Anything?

- I have a date on Wednesday night in LA. - Wow.

Good job.

- It's on vibrate. I like it! - Here. Let me... I'll just... Sorry.

I'll get this.

- Hello? Yeah. - Sorry.

- Hi. Al, yeah. - Do you like that?

- Yeah... - Does that feel good?

At the hotel.

People.

Soon. I gotta go. OK. I gotta go. Bye.

You guys, Dana's hooking up.

Oh, my God.

It's not that weird hospitality chick, is it?

Call me a hippy, but that girl has bad vibes.

And Dana's judgement sucks, except for Lara.

- Look who's talking. - OK.

Why is it so difficult to meet the right person?

All of our stories are about confusion and unfulfilled desire,

and disappointment, right?

It happens to everyone who tries a relationship.

Tina, time for you to bust out your story. Give these women some hope.

- Sit down. Sit. - Thank you.

- Speak. - OK.

- Well, I was dating this entertainment lawyer. - Eric.

I was there! It was after me and Bette stopped dating.

We were in that best-friend stage. Eric was pretty hot.

He was an art collector.

He took me to this art opening at the Bette Porter Gallery.

- I helped her find that space. - I know.

Anyway, she had this amazing reputation

for picking all the great artists.

And she was smart and tough and unbelievably beautiful.

This is my girlfriend, Tina Kennard.

She heads up Development at Alphaville.

- Tina, Bette Porter. - Nice to meet you.

How would Catherine Opie feel about us

blowing up that print to 5 by 6 feet?

Why don't you ask her yourself? She's right over there.

- I think I'll just stay here. - OK. Excellent.

So then Eric and I got invited to one of her artist dinners.

Her artist dinners were really, really famous.

There were all these people there from Paris and New York,

some celebrated intellectual, some big-shot critic.

It was intimidating.

But she was so warm and gracious.

Are you coming to sit down?

Yeah. I just really like this one.

And then... and then the earring thing happened.

You've lost your earring. Here.

Thank you.

Thank you. I'm really excited to get started.

Thank you. It's a dream project, everything about it.

- Good night. - Good night.

- So Bette was your first girlfriend? - First, last and for ever.

Aren't you curious to be with someone else?

Definitely. I think, "God, am I gonna go to my grave

and that's the only woman I've ever slept with?"

But I look at her and think, "What more could I want?"

- Tell 'em the rest. - OK.

Then that night I realised I left the earring at her gallery,

even though I could have sworn I put it in my ear.

- Call it fate. - Or the oldest trick in the book.

I could have sworn I watched you put this back on.

I forgot something.

Yeah, you did.

I forgot... that I won't be able to sleep tonight

if I don't tell you that all I wanted to do all day long is kiss you.

Tell me if you don't want me to.

I should go, shouldn't I?

Yeah, you should.

Hello?

Hey, you.

Yeah, but I'll be back tomorrow.

Yeah.

OK, that sounds nice.

All right.

- You're hot. - Thank you.

- She's so cute! - No, it's OK, go.

OK. OK.

Cherie...

Nothing, nothing. Nothing. I'm OK. I'll see you tomorrow.

OK. Bye.

I can't believe I'm about to go down on Dana Fairbanks.

Oh, God, I slept in my clothes.

Tell me everything! Tell me everything!

Where were you?

- Hi, baby. - There you are.

You sound exhausted. Did you work late?

- Yeah, I did. - Well, you aren't the only one.

'Cause Dana just crawled in this morning.

I can't wait to hear about it. When are you coming home?

I don't think we're gonna make it until this afternoon

because Dana has some autograph thing.

OK. Miss you. Bye.

Dana!

- Where's Dana? - Saying goodbye to her fans.

- Shit. - What?

She is not. She's not.

Hey, guys. You remember Tonya, right?

Uh-huh.

- She's coming with us. Get your bag. - Let's go.

My ex-girlfriend used to think I was psychotic I'd get up so early.

- But I say carpe diem, right? - Right.

- You must have to get up so early to train. - I do.

- Brothers or sisters? - A brother, Howie, 16.

- A pain in my ass. - I bet he's cute if he's from your family.

- Shut up. - Cat or dog person?

Please say dog, 'cause I hate cats.

I think they're so cold and unfeeling.

Some of them can be, but some are almost human.

- You think? - Mine is. I really love Mr Piddles.

- Mr Piddles? - Yeah, he's Dana's cat.

I think that's great.

These decisions have to be made on a cat-by-cat basis.

- I cannot wait to meet Mr Piddles. - I knew you'd get it.

- Do you wanna see a picture? - I would love to.

You have a picture of your cat. That's so cute.

Mr Piddles. Señor Piddles, international cat of mystery.

My mysterious one-man show. He's my special furry man. Meow!

- Bye! - Bye!

- See you later. - See you, guys.

- What the fuck are we gonna do? - About what?

- Don't tell me you don't think she's trouble. - The cat thing was a bit much.

And that story about meeting Anne Heche. What was that about?

I gave her 50 bucks for the gas and I watched the meter.

It was 32.50 and she didn't give me change.

- Why didn't you say anything? - I don't know. I guess I need more evidence.

What am I supposed to say? "Dana, your girlfriend's a grifter."

She's happy. I can't.

Hey. I thought I'd let you know I'm here working.

Thank you.

I'm sorry. I can't.

You can't what, babe?

- Hi. - Hi.

I just was thinking that I'm not sure

that I can get the show... ready in three weeks.

You can do it.

The party was so crazy.

It made me wanna go home and crawl into bed with you.