All language subtitles for The.Affair.S05E06.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Previously on The Affair...

[Paul]
Madeline was really happy

that you were here tonight.

-[children laughing]
-You've been working so much.

[Laine] DOD's trying
to save an old base.

Hmm, it'll be an erosion study,
probably a swinging gate.

-Where is it?
-Montauk.

-[Paul] Did you make it?
-[Joanie] Almost.

[Paul]
Where are you going to stay?

[Joanie]
Dad's place.

-[Paul] Is that a good idea?
-[Joanie] It's fine.

[bartender]
You here for work?

I am.

I'm a coastal engineer.

I haven't seen a face like
yours out here in a while.

I like it.

-[moans]
-[Joanie gasps]

[Paul]
Joanie. What's going on?

[Joanie]
I miss my dad.

Man, you're getting big.

[Young Joanie]
Where is Mommy?

All we have to do
is think about her

and remember her and that way
she will always be with us.

Good girl! Yeah!

Gorgeous girl.

Hi, Dad.

♪ I was screaming
into the canyon ♪

♪ At the moment of my death ♪

♪ The echo I created ♪

♪ Outlasted my last breath ♪

♪ My voice it made
an avalanche ♪

♪ And buried a man
I never knew ♪

♪ And when he died,
his widowed bride ♪

♪ Met your daddy
and they made you ♪

♪ I have only one thing to do ♪

♪ And that's be the wave
that I am, and then ♪

♪ Sink back into the ocean ♪

♪ I have only one thing to do ♪

♪ And that's be the wave
that I am, and then ♪

♪ Sink back into the ocean ♪

♪ I have only one thing to do ♪

♪ And that's be the wave
that I am, and then ♪

♪ Sink back into the ocean,
sink back into the ocean ♪

♪ Sink back into the o... ♪

♪ Sink back into the ocean ♪

♪ Sink back into the o... ♪

♪ Sink back into the ocean ♪

♪ Sink back
into the ocean ♪

♪ plaintive piano music ♪

♪♪♪

Paul?

[Paul]
Hey, baby. How's it going?

I'm just calling to check in.

Oh. Well, I'm glad you did.

Where are you right now?

Joanie?

Are you still there?

I'm here.

Sorry.

-How are the girls?
-Oh, they're great.

Your mom's coming to visit
tomorrow to help out,

so they're
super excited for that.

That's good. I'm-I'm glad.

I'm actually heading back
tomorrow,

so I'll get to see Mom.

[Paul]
Wow. Okay, quick trip.

Did you get what you needed?

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

-I love you.
-I love you, too.

You know
it's rude to stare, right?

And creepy, given the context.

EJ.

What?

EJ. My name.

My name is EJ.

Oh, yeah. That looks safe.

Your front tire's flat.

And your back tire's flat.
They're both... flat.

Good luck.

I should probably
give you a ride.

If you touch me,
I'll stab you.

Can you drop me
at Lighthouse Point?

I can't believe you
just got in the car.

-Are you gonna drive, or--
-I mean, I could be anyone.

I could be a murderer.

I'd honestly rather die
than have you

keep looking at me like that.

[engine starts]

Oh, my God.

Your car runs on gas.

You're the one
wearing a watch.

Who the fuck
does that anymore?

It's my dead mother's, you dick.

My bad.

You know you're doing
irreparable harm

to a planet
that's already dying, right?

It's not, like, a cool thing.

Sorry.
If you want me to hear you,

you're gonna have to
speak into my good ear.

-What?
-What?

Am I supposed to understand
what's happening?

Not into old movies, huh?

Okay, then.

♪ quiet, ambient music ♪

♪♪♪

[EJ] So what were you doing
in the graveyard?

You first.

Oh, I was just looking
for victims.

[scoffs]

There we go.
That's better.

I'm studying some
of Montauk's older families.

I'm an epigeneticist.

The plot where you were standing
actually belongs to a family

I'm super interested in; I've
been studying them for years.

But, uh, I didn't
want to walk over

in case you were
there to visit a...

husband?

Brother, then.

Cousin?

-Still no?
-Who do you think I am?

Lavinia? Caleb's wife?

What's so interesting
about the Lockharts?

Well, I study trauma, so...

So...?

And how it gets passed
down from generation

to generation.

I mean, the whole
family is steeped

in cyclical tragedy.

Murder, drowning, suicide,

more murder, more drowning,
more suicide--

Okay, it wasn't that bad.

Oh, my God.
Are you Joanie?

Wow. Damn.
I cannot believe this.

This is amazing.
I'm taking you to dinner.

[sighs]
No.

-Why not?
-I have to work.

Well, after work. After you
work, we'll go to dinner.

And... don't get any ideas.

Okay? This is just

-so I can interview you.
-No.

That's what your dad said
at first, but he came around.

You know, you two have
very similar scowls.

Do you get that a lot?

-You knew my dad?
-Sure I did.

I interviewed him.

Nobody knew the history
of Montauk like he did.

How did you...?

How did I what?

Know him? Meet him? Find him?

Never mind.

I found him to be
pretty happy,

for what it's worth.

I never understood why
he loved it so much out here.

[chuckles] The more
this place deteriorated,

the more summer
people abandoned it,

the happier he got.

Said it brought him back to the
Montauk he remembered as a kid.

It was becoming a small
fishing town all over again.

Yeah.

That was my dad.

♪♪♪

There's this misconception
that trauma can be inherited

from one generation
to the next.

That's not exactly true,
but what is true

is that children of parents
who have experienced trauma

are more likely to be, uh,

easily triggered
by their own stressors

than children of
un-traumatized parents.

So, like, if you and I both
experience a traumatic event,

you might be
more likely to, uh, develop

anxiety attacks
or, uh, PTSD

around the memory of it
than I would

because your parents were
traumatized and mine weren't.

Well, hypothetically.

The pattern is pretty clear.

Children of traumatized parents
are just more sensitive.

They feel stress and danger
more acutely

because they're primed to.

Okay, here's the theory
I'm testing:

in some of the families
that I've studied,

there is a black sheep
of a child

who turns out to be
extra resilient.

So, like, instead of inheriting
the anxiety of a trauma victim,

they seem to inherit
the resilience of a survivor.

What I don't know...

what I'm trying to figure out
is how to predict.

How do you know...

which child will be weaker

and which child
will be stronger?

Is the trauma more dominant
than the resilience gene?

Or is it the other way around?

And-and how does nurture
play into all of this?

Like, for example,
which are you?

What?

You seem tough.

Really tough.

Uh, which would
suggest resilience.

But, um...

you're not that interested
in my work, are you?

No, not really.

Cool, cool, cool, cool.

So, uh...

what are you doing
with those thingies?

These are nanosensors.

They're basically
trackable granules of sand.

Studying their movements

will help me predict how fast
the coast is eroding.

So what's the verdict
on the erosion?

[sighs]
I don't know yet, EJ.

As you can see,
I'm still gathering data.

I hope it doesn't
disappear too fast.

I love it out here.

I'm actually thinking
about buying a house,

property values being so low

and everything.

Oh, so you're insane.

How so?

Montauk is built
on a pile of sand.

Not granite, sand.

In fact,
the whole of Long Island

is basically
just the result of glaciers

bulldozing their way across New
England, bringing sediment up

from the ocean floor and
pushing it into a pile

the way a child would
make a sandcastle.

I don't know
how fast it's eroding,

but I do know,
in about ten or 20 years

all this is gonna be gone.

You'd be crazy
to buy anything out here,

especially a piece
of property.

But isn't that why you're here?

You're a coastal engineer,
right?

Isn't it your job to save
the world from drowning?

Hey, where are you going?

Home. I'm done.

Hey, did I offend
you back there?

I wasn't trying to.

Don't take this the wrong way,

but you can't offend me

because I don't actually
care what you think.

Good point. That's a,
that's an excellent point.

Um... could I, though,

could I offer you
a compliment anyway?

Just in case,
by some miracle,

I did manage to cause
unintentional offense?

I think
you're pretty impressive.

The way you handled yourself
back there on the beach.

You're maybe
the most impressive gir... uh,

woman I've ever met.

Because I'm a scientist?

Maybe you just haven't met
that many intelligent women.

What? No.
Because you're working so calmly

in the place
where your mother died.

♪ suspenseful music ♪

♪♪♪

What?

Alison Bailey?

Your... your mom.
She died at the jetty, right?

Are you sure that's true?

That's what it says
in the police report.

You've seen the police report?

Yeah, the uh... precinct flooded

a few years ago, and they just
up and abandoned it.

Left behind boxes
and boxes of files.

It's a real gold mine
for an epigeneticist.

Can you take me there?

You mean you want to...

keep hanging out?

Okay.

♪♪♪

[wet footfalls]

[EJ] So many dysfunctional
family trees.

The Lockharts, of course,
are like my Windsors.

I've read every police
report about your family.

Your great-uncle's murder,
your grandfather's suicide,

the drug raids,

Scotty's hit-and-run.

Did you know even your
dad was arrested once?

Yeah. They thought
he stabbed someone.

Uh, uh, be careful
with that.

Why?

Flood waters have made some
of this stuff fragile,

these in particular.

How much time do you spend here?

Oh, you know,

I've come by
once or twice

a day... for months.

God, you must be lonely.

I'm very selective
with my company.

You should consider
yourself lucky.

You're not gonna

try to Phantom Thread
me later, are you?

I don't know what that means.

Have you ever
seen a movie?

Like, any movie?

Give you $200 if
you can name one.

So, you got a thing
for mushrooms, huh?

They reverse the life process.

What do you mean?

They latch onto a dead thing
and break it down.

Turn it into nitrogen,
carbon, sulfur, phosphorous.

Then return those minerals

to the soil
to make it fertile again.

So... decay
turns you on.

Mushrooms are the greatest hope

for life to continue
on this planet.

Once we're all dead and gone,

fungi are gonna come in
and clear everything out

and make space for new life...

something better.

That's a pretty casual way
to talk about mass extinction.

Where's her file?

-Isn't that what
we came here for?
-Of course.

Here we go.

♪ suspenseful music ♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

You were right.

About what?

She died at the jetty.

Can you take me home?

Like... now?

Of course.

[engine stops]

What the hell?

[EJ]
Raccoons.

[chuckles softly]
It's frightening

how big they're getting.

Also, there's no, uh,
garbage pickup.

You have to go
to the dump yourself.

Got it. Thanks.

Um...

What?

Did you mean
to throw these away?

They're in the trash,
aren't they?

♪ slow, somber music ♪

♪♪♪

Hard to imagine that woman
drowning herself in the ocean.

And yet she did.

[clattering]

Hey! I don't know
what you think

is gonna happen,

but I'm not
gonna fuck you.

That is so far from what...
I wasn't...

[chuckles]
What the fuck?

[sighs]

Thanks for the ride.

Of course.

So, you gonna stay in
for the rest of night, or--

-I have work.
-Cool.

Well, then, I'll come by
tomorrow for that interview?

[sighs]

I'm going home tomorrow.

I won't be back.

Uh, nice to meet you, I guess.

Hey, uh, uh,
do you mind if I hang onto this?

No. I really don't care.

[beeps]

Core samples indicate
that sediment is washing west

towards New York City
seven times faster

than the previous 36 months

and nine times faster
than a decade ago.

The harbor jetties
are almost underwater.

...partially to blame
for an increase in storms,

with the region seeing
up to ten times the number

of significant storms a year
than even 30 years ago.

Signs indicate that
a continuation in the increase

of quantity and intensity
of storms

will likely leave Montauk
near uninhabitable

in the next five years.

♪ gentle
acoustic guitar music ♪

♪♪♪

[phone ringing]

Hello?

[EJ over phone]
Joanie? Is that you?

-Yeah. It is.
-Oh, good.

You're, like, the fifth Joanie
I've called.

You know you're pretty hard
to find, right?

It's intentional.

Did I leave something
in your car?

I was thinking about what
happened today at the precinct.

I'd really like
to show you something.

Mute call.

Locate pin.

Front door camera.

Unmute call.

You coming down, or what?

♪ slow, somber music ♪

♪♪♪

[exhales]

A supermoon.

I haven't seen
one of these in a while.

I live for these.

I love the way the tide
pulls out like that.

It reminds me of that scene
in Moana when the sea pulls back

and lets the baby walk out
across the ocean floor.

Seriously? Not even Moana?

Did you have a childhood?

[exhales]

So why does it
pull back so far?

The tides are largely caused

by the gravitational pull
of the Moon.

Supermoon brings supertides.

Why did you come to get me?

Well, I was out here and I
realized I didn't want to look

at something so beautiful
on my own.

And I wanted to say
I'm sorry.

I never said it before,
when we were together,

but I'm, I'm sorry
about your dad dying.

And I'm sorry about the way
that your mother died.

I was treating you
like a subject, not a person.

I do that sometimes.

Or, according to my exes,
all the time.

But, um, I should have warned
you what was in that file

before you opened it.

It's okay.

It must have
been awful,

losing your mother
at such a young age.

Not really.

My mother was an irrational,
unhinged depressive

with a death wish.

In some ways, my life was
actually easier after she died.

More stable, less surprises.

[exhales]

There was a moon like this one
the night she killed herself.

I was staying
with my grandmother.

I wanted to go outside to look
at it, but my grandmother

wouldn't let me because
there was a terrible storm.

♪ suspenseful music ♪

♪♪♪

Bring up historical weather
simulation for this location

30 years ago,

October 13, 7 p.m.
Eastern Standard.

[EJ]
Uh, what-what's going on?

What are you...?

Just give me a minute.

[Joanie]
Jump to 9 p.m.

Midnight.

Jump to 3 a.m., please.

[EJ]
Uh...

What just happened?
What are you looking at?

It doesn't make sense.

What doesn't make sense?

There was a supermoon
the night my mother died.

And the nor'easter
was blowing so strong

that there was
a negative storm surge.

Pulled the tide out
further than normal.

Okay.

The police report said
that she walked off the jetty,

but the water would have been

low for several hours.

There's no way
she could have drowned herself

in water that shallow.

Would've been
like jumping into a bathtub.

But they found
her body here, right?

Up against the rocks.

That's what her file said.

You think it's wrong?

No, but...

[Alison]
What are you gonna do?

What if...

[Alison]
You gonna kill me?

You think that scares me?

I can't be here.
I have to go.

Hey. Hey, wait. Joanie...

-Find car.
-Slow down. Just talk to me.

[Alison] I have been in pain
my entire life.

[both moaning]

T-Tighter.

Tighter.

I said tighter.

-Is this your thing?
-What?

You like being, uh, choked?

-What if I do?
-You seemed so resilient

when we first met,
so pragmatic.

-What is happening right now?
-But...

this bit sort of leans
in the other direction.

Would you say you have
something of a-a-a death wish?

-What are you talking about?
-My theory.

Okay-okay,
just-just hear me out.

[panting]

Resilience versus trauma.

Which is stronger?
Which will win?

I-I know a bit
about your family.

Your parents split,
which is, like,

perfect for a
controlled experiment.

On the one side,
you've got your mother,

who inherited trauma and
eventually succumbed to...

Succame? No, succumbed...

-What?
-...to her own trauma,

and on the other side,

you've got your dad,

who also inherited trauma,

lost everyone
around him,

but somehow managed
to find resilience.

-I think you should leave.
-So what I'm trying

to figure out
is where this leaves you.

Are you resilient,

or are you
self-destructive?

I mean, at first
I would've said resilient.

I mean, obviously,
resilient. But now--

Were you fucking me
for research?

What? No. I didn't say...
Did I just say that?

Get the fuck out of this house.

-Joanie, come on...
-No.

...don't be pissed,
we're both scientists.

♪ slow, somber music ♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Gimme, it's mine.

It's mine.

Girls, why don't
you guys take turns?

Figure it out.

-♪♪♪
-[indistinct chatter]

[Luisa]
My girls.

[both]
Grandma!

[Madeline]
Grandma!

[Luisa speaks
indistinctly]

[Paul]
Hey.

Hello.

So beautiful.

Hi.

[indistinct chatter]

Hi.

Hi, Mom.

Ah, Luisa, I don't know,
what are we gonna do

with all these
extra cupcakes?

The girls are gonna be
on a high for, well, weeks.

They can bring 'em
to school tomorrow.

Babe, tomorrow's Saturday.

Right.

Um... don't they have
a birthday party? Gina?

-Yes. Yes, that's... right.
-Well, she can take them there.

-[chuckles]
-Good idea.

[clears throat]

You know, um...

I got to jump
on a call in a bit.

Give you guys a chance

to catch up
with each other.

Bring the stuff in
and I'll

throw 'em in
the dishwasher, okay?

[Luisa]
Thank you.

Well, I'm glad
the timing worked out.

Paul says you've been running
yourself ragged with work.

Oh, it's not that bad.

Just feels like it
because this last trip

came out of nowhere.

Well, between that and the kids,
you deserve a break.

[speaking Spanish]

[sighs]

Well, if I work too much,
it's your fault.

-[chuckles]
-Who else would I have
gotten it from?

You work just as hard as you did
when you were still my age.

[chuckles]

[automated voice]
Warning. Sensor error.

-Your garden levels are off.
-Paul?

Can you check the level monitor
in the vertical garden?

Needs to be reset.

How was Montauk?

Was it weird to be back?

Dad left the house a huge mess.

It made me
feel guilty, actually.

That he died alone out there.

I should've convinced him
to move out here with us.

I mean, the way he was living,
no electricity, no companion...

Mm, no.

You shouldn't feel guilty.

He was not gonna leave Montauk,
no matter what.

He was the most determined
person on the planet.

That's where you get it from,
my love.

Not from me.

You think I'm like him?

Yeah. Exactly like him.

But this is a compliment.

I know how much
you loved him, Mom.

♪ quiet, atmospheric music ♪

I found some sort of shrine

at Dad's.

Bunch of letters.
Photographs.

Of who?

Alison.

What did you do with it?

I threw it out.

Why?

Because I hate looking at her.

You don't mean that.

Actually, I do.

She ruined everything.

You know, the only good memories
I really have of being a child

are in Montauk.

When you and Dad
were together.

After Alison died
and you guys split up...

...that was it.

My childhood was over.

Your mother was in
a tremendous amount of pain.

She was not a strong person.
Not like you.

But she loved you.

Come on, I was
the replacement child.

Oh, my God, don't say that.

Sometimes I think she just
wanted the rest of us

to be in as much pain
as she was.

And that's why she...

What?

Why didn't we ever talk
about the night she died?

About how
it happened?

How are you supposed to talk to
a seven-year-old about suicide?

You sure it was suicide?

Yes.

I mean, it was terrible,
but it was not surprising,

given her history.

Why would you ask that?

No reason.

Never mind.

[sighs] Look.
Your father spent his life

chasing Alison's ghost.

Doubting, questioning,
wondering what if.

Ow, Mommy,
you're hurting me!

When Daddy does it,
it doesn't hurt!

When is it my turn?

-When is it my turn?
-Thea, it'll be your turn

-in just a minute, okay?
-[automated voice] Warning.

-Ow!
-Sensor error.

-Get Daddy so you can't hurt me.
-Your garden levels are off.

When is it my turn?
When is it my...?

[overlapping shouting]

[Alison]
My son died.

He died in my fucking arms.

Mommy.

-[Joanie shouts]
-Ow!

Oh, Maddy, I'm so sorry.
Sweetheart--

Don't touch me!
Don't touch me!

-Warning. Sensor error.
-All you do is hurt me.

-Your garden levels are off.
-All you do is hurt me!

[alarm continues]

♪ music intensifies ♪

-[alarm continues]
-Your garden levels are off.

Warning. Sensor error.

Your garden levels are off.

Warning. Sensor error.

Your garden levels are off.

Warning. Sensor error.

Your garden levels are off.

Check oxygen.

Warning. Sensor error.

-Your garden levels are off.
-I said check oxygen!

Warning. Sensor error.

Your garden levels are off.

Warning. Sensor error.

[alarm stops]

[panting]

[shouts]

[Paul]
Joanie, what are you doing?

What's the matter with you?

-[screams]
-Stop!

-Why?
-What do you mean by why?

Because we need this.

-It's broken.
-Okay. I'll get it fixed, okay?

Just... just leave it alone.
I'll get it fixed.

I got guys
coming in tomorrow.

[panting]
It's gonna be so expensive.

Look, it's just...
it's just money.

Paul, just, just leave it.

Paul, it doesn't matter,
just leave it.

It does matter.

It-it makes oxygen.

And our family's eventually
gonna need it.

-It's never gonna be enough.
-Sure it will.

No. It won't.

When the time comes,
when it really comes,

what are we gonna do?

Stay in this house forever,
just the four of us,

living on strawberries
and air?

What is going on
with you, Joanie?

I mean, was it being
back at Montauk?

Because I don't understand
what's happening.

Why are we trying to
live past the point

that the air outside
is toxic?

Because we have two
beautiful young girls

who we need to see survive.

Don't you get it?

This garden isn't gonna
keep our children alive!

Nothing is!

The world is
becoming uninhabitable.

Our children are fucked!

We're just shepherding them
towards the apocalypse,

waiting for the day when
we get to watch them die!

Will you keep
your goddamn voice down?

All right?
You need to get some sleep.

You'll feel better
tomorrow.

I'm not gonna
feel better tomorrow.

Tomorrow will just be one
step closer to the end,

and it's not
gonna get better.

And the fact that
you can't see that

makes me really question
your intelligence.

Then why did we
adopt them, Joanie?

Why did we bring them here?
If there's no hope,

why didn't we leave them
in Senegal to die?

That was your idea.
Not mine.

Now you're just trying
to hurt me.

I'm going to bed.

Hope to see you there sometime
before morning.

Paul, wait.

Yeah?

♪ tense, ambient music ♪

♪♪♪

I've been cheating on you.

For years.

Get out.

No.

Get the fuck out.

No. This is your whole problem.

This is the 20th-century,
romantic, monogamous bullshit.

What, you don't fucking
believe in monogamy?

I'm your husband!
Thanks for telling me.

Literally nothing has
changed between us.

-I still love you.
-Don't you fucking dare.

Thirty seconds ago
you wanted me to come to bed.

We're still the same people
we were 30 seconds ago.

-Nothing has changed.
-Everything has changed!

Everything!

You're so
fucking broken, Joanie.

You need to go,
just get out.

Get out.

Get... the fuck out.

Get out!

[gasps]

♪♪♪

Hey, can I come over?

You just happened to be
nowhere near my neighborhood?

Singles?

Cameron Crowe?
I... never mind.

-Can I come in?
-Of course.

What's wrong with you?
Why don't you have any stuff?

What do you mean? I have stuff.

Don't you have
any pictures

of, like, your family?

My father died right before
I was born, so I never knew him.

I keep a photo of my mom
on my phone. You want to see it?

No, that's okay.

Can I have a drink or something?

Yes, you can.

Coming right up. Bourbon good?

Mm.

[sighs]

Why are you looking at me
like that?

I'm just trying to figure out

whether or not I should
try to kiss you.

Are you fucking kidding me
right now?

Okay.

That answers that question.

I do want to state,
though, for the record,

I'm actually quite good in bed.

Not really.

No, I am. I'm great.

The circumstances
last night were a bit...

[clears throat]
extenuating.

I wasn't at my best,
but, uh, normally I'm dynamite.

-Okay.
-Just wanted to set
the record straight.

So... why are you here?

Did you know my dad called 911
before he died?

No.

He had a heart attack.

The EMTs told me that they found
him on the floor near his bed.

He was trying to crawl
to his heart meds.

That's terrible. I'm sorry.

If somebody else had been there,
he would have made it.

-You don't know that.
-I do, actually.

I asked at his autopsy.

He took a while to die.

Okay--

I abandoned him.

Just like my mother did.

But I thought...
at the jetty, didn't you decide

-that your mother--
-No, when-when she left him

for Noah Solloway.

Do you know anything
about that?

-Only a little.
-She left him

right before I was born,
for this married guy

that just showed up in town
with his family.

She waited on his table and then
she stole him from his wife.

Really?

Yes.

That's who my mother was.

My father never
got over it.

I mean...

he got married again,
to my stepmother,

but he never really loved her.

When my mother finally died,

he... fell apart...

and they broke up.

♪ slow, somber music ♪

How old were you?

Seven.

My dad and I were mostly alone
after that, for years.

We left Montauk,
we moved to Vermont.

He had a little
horse farm.

But he never got
married again.

He didn't even date.

He just put all his focus on me.

And...

when I left for college,
he moved home.

The truth is...

...I was relieved...

...not to spend
so much time with him.

His love was...

suffocating.

I felt like I could never
let him down.

Like I had to make up
for all the terrible things

that she'd done to him.

But it didn't work.
I... I couldn't do it.

And he died of
a broken heart anyway.

Joanie, that's not true.

Come on. He was an old man.

He was 72.

Ever since he died, I feel like

I can't hold her
out of me anymore,

like she's possessing me.

I think about killing myself
all the time now.

On subway platforms,

when I'm holding
a bottle of pills in my hand,

when a fucking truck goes by.

I have violent sex
with strangers,

I work and I work

and I work some more

because I'm afraid of having
any time to myself

because I'm afraid
of what I will do with it.

I've spent my whole life

shaping myself to be
the opposite of her,

and it's not working anymore.

None of it

-is fucking working.
-Joanie,

your mother didn't kill herself.

Isn't that what we figured out
at the jetty?

I don't know! She probably did.

You can drown in a bathtub.

And she wanted to die.
Everybody said so.

Maybe this is just some
stupid childhood fantasy of mine

because I don't want to believe

that she actually
just fucking left me!

Joanie. Joanie, listen to me.

This is grief.

Yes, yes, it is.

Your dad just died.

Have you even...
have you mourned for him?

You need to do that.

That's why you feel
like you're going insane.

You don't let yourself
feel anything.

I don't know how.

-Of course you do.
-No, I really don't.

L-Let's talk about him.

What was he like?
What did you love about him?

[exhales]
He was wonderful.

How so?

He could...

he could do anything, you know?

He, uh, he could ride a horse,

he could surf,
he could fix a car.

He picked up farming
when we moved to Vermont,

and he was,
he was good at that, too.

And-and he was so kind.

He was... he was like
a pain-seeking missile.

I... Wherever we went,

he'd find someone
who was suffering and...

he'd figure out
how to make their lives

just a little easier.

I wanted him
to meet someone else so badly.

Someone who could...

...look after him
so that I didn't have to.

Hey, do you remember that box
you gave me?

The one with all your
grandfather's letters in it?

I mean, I didn't exactly
give it to you, but...

Did you ever look through it?

Sort of, quickly.

I found something
you should maybe see.

Why was your dad obsessing
about a handsome Marine

named Benjamin Cruz?

So, here's my theory.
Just hear me out.

I interviewed your dad
a few times.

I liked him,
but he was very, very closed.

He just seemed like a man
with a lot of secrets.

Maybe he had a lover.

Maybe that's why
he never remarried.

Maybe that's why
he moved back to Montauk.

Did you ever see
Brokeback Mountain?

I think maybe we're all just
looking for our own Jack Twist.

-Who?
-[whispers] Oh, Joanie.

You're breaking my heart.

[box thuds]

I don't know who the hell
Benjamin Cruz is.

But... thank you.

For what?

You made me feel better.

My pleasure.

It's really late. I should go.

Okay.

♪ intriguing music ♪

What are you doing?

Don't you want this?

You gonna throw me out
when it's over?

This is your apartment.

Good point.

[moaning, panting]

♪♪♪

[Alison]
I have been in pain...

[Cole]
Come here, kiddo.

[Joanie]
Hi, Daddy.

-Come here.
-[Alison] ...my entire life.

♪ atmospheric music ♪

-Hey.
-Look at you. You look great.

[Alison] And maybe that's
what makes people think

-that I'm weak.
-We made some cookies

-this morning...
-And maybe that makes people

treat me like some
sort of receptacle...

Mmm. Not gonna
see you all weekend.

-Bye, Mama.
-Bye, baby.

...for all their grief

-and rage...
-Hey. Hey.

-...and disappointment.
-Don't I know you?

I don't think so.

[Alison]
Cole?

This is my friend Ben.

Nice to meet you, Cole.

[Alison]
But I am fucking sick of it.

Everything okay?

He wasn't my dad's boyfriend.

He was my mother's.

I think he killed her.

♪ atmospheric music ♪

♪♪♪