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1
00:01:16,044 --> 00:01:20,244
The thing about Alexander,
he's a bit camp. But he's nice.
2
00:01:20,444 --> 00:01:24,444
Mind you, saying he's a bit camp's
like saying Hitler was a bit naughty.
3
00:01:24,644 --> 00:01:27,844
You'll like him -
and he's been single for ages.
4
00:01:27,844 --> 00:01:29,844
He's dying for a boyfriend.
5
00:01:30,044 --> 00:01:32,844
Just ignore the voice. And the volume.
6
00:01:33,044 --> 00:01:37,044
And don't get him drunk. lf he does
get drunk, run for the hills. Hiya!
7
00:01:37,044 --> 00:01:40,244
Ooh, hiya! Oooh!
8
00:01:40,244 --> 00:01:43,444
Look, this is me suit!
Hundred quid. Bargain!
9
00:01:43,444 --> 00:01:45,644
Miss Corke's wardrobe by Kamizole!
10
00:01:45,644 --> 00:01:47,844
Vince!
11
00:01:47,844 --> 00:01:52,844
- Ooh, you look dreadful!
- This is Phil. Alexander, Dane.
12
00:01:53,044 --> 00:01:54,844
- Dane, Alexander. Phil.
- Hi.
13
00:01:54,844 --> 00:01:57,444
Hiya. Vince, nice handbag.
14
00:01:57,444 --> 00:02:00,444
This is Alfred, so it's no smoking.
15
00:02:00,444 --> 00:02:02,444
Oh, it's a little baby Stuart!
16
00:02:02,644 --> 00:02:04,844
Bet l'm infertile.
17
00:02:05,044 --> 00:02:08,244
Phil's the one l told you about.
He met David Beckham.
18
00:02:08,444 --> 00:02:12,844
Oi, come here! This is Lee.
Ain't he beautiful? Cheekbones.
19
00:02:12,844 --> 00:02:15,044
Lee, this is Vince and what was it?
20
00:02:15,244 --> 00:02:17,444
- Phil.
- Vince and Phil!
21
00:02:17,644 --> 00:02:21,044
(Speaking Japanese)
22
00:02:21,044 --> 00:02:25,444
Perfect boyfriend - shags like a rabbit,
can't understand a word! Fab!
23
00:02:25,444 --> 00:02:27,444
Love job. We met in the club.
24
00:02:27,644 --> 00:02:30,244
- What club?
- Mile high.
25
00:02:33,244 --> 00:02:35,044
Whoo!
26
00:02:35,244 --> 00:02:38,044
(Stuart) 'Get rid of them.'
(Vince) 'You invited them!'
27
00:02:38,244 --> 00:02:42,444
- l was drunk! Can't they stay with you?
- 'l've only got one bedroom.'
28
00:02:42,644 --> 00:02:45,444
- Tell them l'm busy or something.
- You tell them.
29
00:02:45,644 --> 00:02:47,844
l'm taking Alfred to the lesbians.
30
00:02:50,644 --> 00:02:54,044
lf the man phones about the roof,
l can get time off on Thursday
31
00:02:54,244 --> 00:02:56,244
or your dad can see him on Friday.
32
00:02:56,444 --> 00:02:58,044
- Nathan?
- Yeah.
33
00:02:58,244 --> 00:03:00,244
Thursday or Friday. Got that?
34
00:03:00,444 --> 00:03:04,244
Helen, don't unwrap that, it's not for you.
Come on, party time.
35
00:03:04,444 --> 00:03:07,044
(TV) 'When do you shrink me down?'
(Janice) Bye!
36
00:03:07,244 --> 00:03:09,444
'Shrink you? Who is this guy?!'
37
00:03:09,644 --> 00:03:13,844
- 'Are you OK in here, boy?'
- 'Yeah, l guess.'
38
00:03:14,044 --> 00:03:18,444
- (Straining) 'Am l there yet?'
- 'A little further.'
39
00:03:19,844 --> 00:03:23,044
Yeah, hi. This is Stuart Jones.
40
00:03:23,244 --> 00:03:26,844
Stuart's got this taxi account.
He said use it.
41
00:03:26,844 --> 00:03:31,444
l've been all round. l went to that pen
shop in Heaton Moor. lt's all on him.
42
00:03:38,244 --> 00:03:41,644
You what? l thought that was the time!
43
00:03:41,644 --> 00:03:45,644
- (Alfred crying)
- You're gonna see your mummy.
44
00:03:45,644 --> 00:03:47,644
- Hiya.
- Hi.
45
00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:51,844
You've Canada Dry, Stuart,
there's a bottle by the fridge.
46
00:03:51,844 --> 00:03:53,844
All right, l'll go to the offy.
47
00:03:55,044 --> 00:03:57,644
Did he spend a single second
with his own son?
48
00:03:57,844 --> 00:04:00,844
- He left him with you, didn't he?
- l've got to go.
49
00:04:00,844 --> 00:04:04,044
- Thanks, Vince.
- You're more of a father than he is.
50
00:04:05,244 --> 00:04:08,244
(Vince) Port?
Who the fuck's drinking port?
51
00:04:08,444 --> 00:04:11,244
One! Two! Three!
52
00:04:11,244 --> 00:04:14,044
(Speaking Japanese)
53
00:04:20,044 --> 00:04:21,644
Tsukkachimattayo.
54
00:04:21,844 --> 00:04:25,044
(Man) 'He's saying the same thing.
He's a bit mad.'
55
00:04:25,244 --> 00:04:28,644
Put Stuart back on. Stuart, OK?
56
00:04:28,844 --> 00:04:31,844
(Alexander) Tokyo, New York...
(Sandra) 'Stuart!'
57
00:04:31,844 --> 00:04:33,844
- So?
- 'l'm fed up!'
58
00:04:33,844 --> 00:04:39,044
'lt's a Saturday, you drag me into work!
Anyway, this Lee, he's like a prostitute.
59
00:04:39,244 --> 00:04:41,044
'He wants Alexander to pay him.'
60
00:04:41,244 --> 00:04:43,844
- He's having sex for money.
- Kane!
61
00:04:44,044 --> 00:04:46,644
What's that mean?
He keeps on saying ''kane''.
62
00:04:46,644 --> 00:04:49,444
- What's ''kane''?
- What's ''kane''?
63
00:04:49,644 --> 00:04:52,244
- (Man) 'Money.'
- Money.
64
00:04:52,444 --> 00:04:56,044
lt's Japanese for love.
He's completely in love with you.
65
00:04:56,644 --> 00:04:58,244
Bless!
66
00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:04,644
Can you pull in, please?
67
00:05:04,844 --> 00:05:07,444
- What is it?
- That's Romey!
68
00:05:07,444 --> 00:05:11,644
She's the mother and she's a lesbian.
She's a lesbian and she's a mother!
69
00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:14,444
She's a lesbian mother, that's her!
70
00:05:17,444 --> 00:05:20,844
(Stuart) Do you have to unpack?
lt's like a refugee camp.
71
00:05:20,844 --> 00:05:23,644
- l found it. This is the one.
- (Alexander) Ooh, fab!
72
00:05:23,844 --> 00:05:28,044
(Stuart) Do we have to?
(Alexander) Shut up! Dane, get Kleenex.
73
00:05:30,044 --> 00:05:31,644
(Bell tolls)
74
00:05:31,844 --> 00:05:33,644
- Which end's her feet?
- This end.
75
00:05:33,844 --> 00:05:36,844
(Phil) There's so many flowers
you can't tell.
76
00:05:36,844 --> 00:05:38,844
lt's this end.
77
00:05:38,844 --> 00:05:42,044
l met her once, at this charity thing.
78
00:05:42,244 --> 00:05:45,244
lf it's this end,
they carried her in feet first.
79
00:05:45,444 --> 00:05:48,044
They'd go head first, royalty.
80
00:05:48,044 --> 00:05:50,844
l'd like to think that
at the moment she died,
81
00:05:50,844 --> 00:05:53,244
her entire life flashed before her
82
00:05:53,244 --> 00:05:55,444
and she caught a little glimpse of me.
83
00:05:55,644 --> 00:05:59,644
Ooh, fast forward,
let's have a look at Elton's eyebrow.
84
00:06:02,844 --> 00:06:06,444
So if that's his kid
and he's your boyfriend,
85
00:06:07,644 --> 00:06:11,444
that makes you...
sort of stepfather.
86
00:06:11,644 --> 00:06:14,444
My God, you're a stepfather!
87
00:06:16,244 --> 00:06:18,644
Why don't we just go and say hello?
88
00:06:26,244 --> 00:06:27,644
What?
89
00:06:27,844 --> 00:06:30,044
He finished with me.
90
00:06:31,444 --> 00:06:33,444
l looked a complete mong.
91
00:06:34,644 --> 00:06:36,444
He laughed in my face.
92
00:06:36,644 --> 00:06:38,644
My boyfriend dumped me.
93
00:06:38,644 --> 00:06:40,844
l didn't sit around moping.
94
00:06:41,044 --> 00:06:44,244
l went straight out
looking for the next one.
95
00:06:44,244 --> 00:06:46,244
What boyfriend?
96
00:06:46,444 --> 00:06:48,844
lt was in infant school.
97
00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:53,044
You said Canal Street.
98
00:06:53,244 --> 00:06:55,044
lt'll be chock-a-block.
99
00:06:55,244 --> 00:06:59,244
You're that nice-looking
you'll find a bloke in no time.
100
00:06:59,444 --> 00:07:02,244
- Would they let me in?
- Course they would.
101
00:07:02,444 --> 00:07:04,644
There you are. l'll come with you.
102
00:07:05,844 --> 00:07:08,244
l'm not pretending l'm a lesbo, mind.
103
00:07:08,244 --> 00:07:11,444
l seen Kate Moss on that advert.
l felt nothing.
104
00:07:11,644 --> 00:07:14,044
He'll be there, laughing.
105
00:07:17,244 --> 00:07:19,644
- Go on, prove it.
- lt's true!
106
00:07:19,844 --> 00:07:23,244
What's it called? lt's like a muscle.
The ejaculation muscle.
107
00:07:23,444 --> 00:07:25,244
Like any muscle it gets worn out.
108
00:07:25,444 --> 00:07:28,044
When you're 20 you can shoot it
over your shoulder
109
00:07:28,044 --> 00:07:30,844
but 30, you're lucky
if it fills your bellybutton.
110
00:07:31,044 --> 00:07:33,644
- God, that's true.
- We're so old.
111
00:07:33,644 --> 00:07:37,044
- l still get it over my shoulder.
- That's an athlete's muscle.
112
00:07:37,244 --> 00:07:43,044
l read this problem in Attitude - ''ls
there any way to make your cock bigger?''
113
00:07:43,844 --> 00:07:46,644
As if! The answer says just lose weight.
114
00:07:46,844 --> 00:07:50,444
- No!
- For every 30lb, you gain one inch.
115
00:07:50,444 --> 00:07:52,844
A whole inch for 30lb of fat.
116
00:07:55,044 --> 00:07:58,844
- Anyone for desserts?
- (All) No, thanks.
117
00:07:59,044 --> 00:08:02,644
l snogged a woman once.
lt was like kissing the Body Shop.
118
00:08:04,244 --> 00:08:07,444
Pity. l've been saying for ages
about you and Alexander,
119
00:08:07,644 --> 00:08:10,044
then he turns up with Fu Manchu.
120
00:08:10,244 --> 00:08:13,244
- Dane's quite nice.
- Do you think? And he's rich.
121
00:08:13,444 --> 00:08:15,444
- ls he?
- Worth a try, Phil!
122
00:08:15,444 --> 00:08:19,244
l don't stand a chance.
He's all tight T-shirts and thin.
123
00:08:19,244 --> 00:08:21,244
l'm eating for two. No chance.
124
00:08:21,444 --> 00:08:24,244
ls Dane the one that shagged Stuart
and wet the bed?
125
00:08:24,444 --> 00:08:27,244
No, that was David. Damp David.
126
00:08:28,444 --> 00:08:30,444
Would you shag him? Stuart.
127
00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:35,244
Oh, get off. lmagine the next morning.
Wouldn't be able to look at each other.
128
00:08:35,444 --> 00:08:38,044
- What, cos you've had sex?
- Yeah.
129
00:08:38,244 --> 00:08:41,444
Having sex with someone
means you can't look 'em in the eye?
130
00:08:41,644 --> 00:08:43,444
Can do.
131
00:08:43,644 --> 00:08:46,444
This way you can look at him
all the time. Barney!
132
00:08:46,644 --> 00:08:49,444
What a shirt!
Get an outside aerial, you could fix that.
133
00:08:49,644 --> 00:08:51,244
- How you doing?
- Not too bad.
134
00:09:03,044 --> 00:09:05,244
(Nathan) lt's on account.
135
00:09:07,644 --> 00:09:09,644
Thanks a lot.
136
00:09:12,644 --> 00:09:16,244
Come here.
lf there's blokes kissing, don't stare.
137
00:09:16,444 --> 00:09:19,844
And if there's men that look like women,
don't stare at them.
138
00:09:20,044 --> 00:09:23,844
lf you see Stuart, don't even look at him.
That's if he's there.
139
00:09:24,044 --> 00:09:28,044
l mean, he won't be there, probably.
Just don't look.
140
00:09:28,044 --> 00:09:32,044
$ Why not try to see things
from a different angle?
141
00:09:32,244 --> 00:09:36,444
$ Your life is a sham
until you can shout out
142
00:09:36,444 --> 00:09:41,044
$ l am what l am... $
143
00:09:41,044 --> 00:09:45,244
- What do you think? Feeling lucky?
- Manchester? Dregs of humanity.
144
00:09:45,244 --> 00:09:48,644
- Wouldn't shag one of 'em.
- No, l suppose not.
145
00:09:49,844 --> 00:09:52,044
Jesus Christ! Look at that!
146
00:09:53,244 --> 00:09:56,644
Ooh, l'd stick me head up his arse
and wear him like a hat.
147
00:09:56,844 --> 00:09:58,644
(ln Japanese)
148
00:09:58,644 --> 00:10:01,244
$ l am what l am
149
00:10:01,444 --> 00:10:05,044
$ And what l am needs no excuses
150
00:10:05,844 --> 00:10:08,244
$ l deal my own deck
151
00:10:08,444 --> 00:10:12,644
$ Sometimes the ace,
sometimes the deuces
152
00:10:12,844 --> 00:10:15,444
$ lt's one life and there's no return... $
153
00:10:15,644 --> 00:10:18,444
That's my night sorted,
what are you lot gonna do?
154
00:10:18,644 --> 00:10:21,044
This place, they let anyone in!
155
00:10:21,244 --> 00:10:25,244
Call security! The bitch has got free!
Restrain her!
156
00:10:25,444 --> 00:10:28,844
- Put your arms round a woman for once.
- You'll start a rumour!
157
00:10:31,244 --> 00:10:33,244
(Donna) You said don't look.
158
00:10:33,444 --> 00:10:35,644
He's not that nice anyway.
159
00:10:36,844 --> 00:10:39,444
l thought he was taller.
160
00:10:39,644 --> 00:10:41,644
You could do much better.
161
00:10:41,644 --> 00:10:45,044
(Hazel) Catch you later.
(Alexander) Ta-ra.
162
00:10:48,844 --> 00:10:52,244
- Hello?
- Oh! Who the fuck are you?
163
00:10:52,244 --> 00:10:55,044
(Bernard) Who the fuck are you?
What are you like?
164
00:10:55,244 --> 00:11:00,044
Right, l'm a friend of Vince's, l was with
him - me and him and Stuart -
165
00:11:00,044 --> 00:11:02,444
in here, the other night.
166
00:11:03,444 --> 00:11:05,444
l'm Nathan, this is Donna.
167
00:11:05,644 --> 00:11:09,444
Will you park yourself or shift yourself?
You're spoiling the view.
168
00:11:09,644 --> 00:11:12,444
l've got ten quid on Stuart
pulling that bloke.
169
00:11:12,644 --> 00:11:15,444
Stuart doesn't have
the copyright on shagging.
170
00:11:15,644 --> 00:11:18,444
- Get in there first.
- l wouldn't stand a chance.
171
00:11:18,644 --> 00:11:21,244
Shut up. lf you could just see yourself.
172
00:11:21,444 --> 00:11:24,044
What is this? Have-a-go-at-Vince night?
173
00:11:26,644 --> 00:11:29,244
l don't believe it. Stuart.
174
00:11:30,644 --> 00:11:34,244
lt's that Nathan, talking to my bloody
mother. What's he doing?
175
00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:38,044
- (Stuart) Nothing to do with me.
- l always get the shit.
176
00:11:38,044 --> 00:11:42,644
- You shag him, he ends up stalking me.
- Leave him alone, he's all right.
177
00:11:42,644 --> 00:11:45,444
He's all right? He's all right?
178
00:11:45,444 --> 00:11:47,844
l beg your pardon? He's what?
179
00:11:48,044 --> 00:11:50,244
Zip it up, will you?
180
00:11:50,444 --> 00:11:52,644
Fuck! Where's he gone?
181
00:11:52,844 --> 00:11:54,844
That's your fault, Vince.
182
00:11:54,844 --> 00:11:58,044
$ Oh, young hearts run free... $
183
00:11:58,244 --> 00:12:01,044
Oh, my God, Vince!
What are you doing here?
184
00:12:01,244 --> 00:12:03,444
- Hiya.
- l'm with Lucy.
185
00:12:03,444 --> 00:12:08,244
She's getting married next week.
What's it like, this place?
186
00:12:08,244 --> 00:12:12,444
Yeah, l'm just, erm, looking.
lt's the first time that l've ever...
187
00:12:13,644 --> 00:12:17,244
- lt's a bit of a shock, isn't it?
- All them pretty boys.
188
00:12:17,244 --> 00:12:22,044
- Watch yourself, they'll try and turn you!
- Yeah, l'm sick of it, really.
189
00:12:22,244 --> 00:12:24,644
- l've seen enough.
- Have a drink with me.
190
00:12:24,844 --> 00:12:27,644
No, l... l'm going, thanks.
191
00:12:27,844 --> 00:12:29,644
See you, then.
192
00:12:38,444 --> 00:12:42,044
Work alert, we're going. See you outside.
193
00:12:42,044 --> 00:12:46,244
lt's that bloody Rosalie.
This place is getting so straight.
194
00:12:46,244 --> 00:12:48,244
$ Who wants to live it
in trouble and strife... $
195
00:12:48,444 --> 00:12:50,244
Hang on.
196
00:12:50,444 --> 00:12:54,444
$ My mind must be free
to learn all that l can about me
197
00:12:54,644 --> 00:12:56,444
$ Yeah, yeah... $
198
00:12:56,444 --> 00:12:58,444
Excuse me, it's Rosalie, yeah?
199
00:13:00,044 --> 00:13:02,244
Hiya, l'm a friend of Vince's.
200
00:13:02,244 --> 00:13:04,444
l just wanted to say, like...
201
00:13:04,644 --> 00:13:06,644
(Whispers) He likes you.
202
00:13:06,644 --> 00:13:10,844
$ ..what's really goin' on today
203
00:13:10,844 --> 00:13:14,444
$ Yeah, yeah,
say l'm gonna turn loose... $
204
00:13:14,644 --> 00:13:16,444
Bastard.
205
00:13:16,644 --> 00:13:22,444
$ How can l turn loose when l just can't
break away, yeah, yeah, yeah
206
00:13:22,444 --> 00:13:23,844
$ Young hearts... $
207
00:13:23,844 --> 00:13:28,444
At school, right, they all go to this pub
on the corner, like it's clever,
208
00:13:28,444 --> 00:13:32,244
and they all sit there drinking cider
like it's dead grown-up.
209
00:13:32,444 --> 00:13:35,644
They haven't got a clue!
They'd die in here.
210
00:13:35,844 --> 00:13:38,044
Right, we'd better go.
211
00:13:38,244 --> 00:13:40,644
Suppose they're all off clubbing.
212
00:13:42,044 --> 00:13:43,844
Where does Vince go?
213
00:13:44,044 --> 00:13:46,444
Saturday night? Babylon.
214
00:13:46,644 --> 00:13:49,844
- Yeah, l might go there.
- (Bernard) Got membership?
215
00:13:50,044 --> 00:13:52,244
Do you need membership?
216
00:13:52,444 --> 00:13:54,444
Here, have it.
217
00:13:54,644 --> 00:13:57,044
- Keep it, l'm sick of it.
- (Hazel laughs)
218
00:13:57,044 --> 00:13:59,644
lf they ask,
your name's Bernard Thomas.
219
00:14:02,844 --> 00:14:04,844
(Cashier) Thank you.
220
00:14:08,444 --> 00:14:10,844
- What's your name?
- Bernard Thomas.
221
00:14:11,044 --> 00:14:13,044
Date of birth 1946?
222
00:14:13,244 --> 00:14:15,644
Looking good, Bernard. Eight quid.
223
00:14:15,644 --> 00:14:17,844
($ lndigo: Haven't You Heard)
224
00:14:37,444 --> 00:14:40,444
$ l need warmth and a lot of love
225
00:14:41,244 --> 00:14:44,244
$ l need warmth and a lot of love
226
00:14:45,044 --> 00:14:48,044
$ l need warmth and a lot of love
227
00:14:48,644 --> 00:14:52,244
$ l need warmth and a lot of love
228
00:15:13,644 --> 00:15:18,444
$ l've been lookin' for you
$ Haven't you heard?
229
00:15:21,244 --> 00:15:26,044
$ Oh, l've been lookin' for you
$ Haven't you heard?
230
00:15:28,444 --> 00:15:33,444
$ Oh, l've been lookin' for you
$ Haven't you heard?
231
00:15:36,044 --> 00:15:40,644
$ Oh, l've been lookin' for you... $
232
00:15:40,644 --> 00:15:42,844
(Music continues, muffled)
233
00:15:47,244 --> 00:15:49,644
- Oh, nice.
- lt's off Mickey Blake.
234
00:15:49,644 --> 00:15:52,644
He can get anything -
he got me speed an' all.
235
00:15:55,644 --> 00:15:59,244
And he got me episode three
of Planet Of The Daleks in colour.
236
00:15:59,444 --> 00:16:04,044
The BBC's only got it in black and white
cos they burnt it but Mickey Blake?
237
00:16:04,244 --> 00:16:07,244
He said he could get episode four
of The Tenth Planet.
238
00:16:07,244 --> 00:16:11,244
That's a classic,
no one's seen it since 1966.
239
00:16:11,244 --> 00:16:14,044
There are no words for how sad you are.
240
00:16:15,644 --> 00:16:19,044
(Donna) ''975, can l buy you a drink?
From 373.''
241
00:16:19,244 --> 00:16:22,444
- Go on, go and find him.
- l'm not bothered.
242
00:16:22,444 --> 00:16:25,044
lt's what you come here for, isn't it?
243
00:16:27,444 --> 00:16:29,644
373 might be our age.
244
00:16:30,644 --> 00:16:33,044
That Stuart, he's ancient.
245
00:16:34,044 --> 00:16:36,044
Go on.
246
00:16:43,444 --> 00:16:45,244
Good luck.
247
00:17:25,444 --> 00:17:27,444
(Donna) Eurgh!
248
00:17:32,244 --> 00:17:34,644
Have you seen Lee? He's wandered off.
249
00:17:34,844 --> 00:17:38,244
- Well, he's not up there.
- Try over there. Come on.
250
00:17:38,244 --> 00:17:40,844
He can't speak English, he'll get lost.
251
00:17:58,844 --> 00:18:00,644
(Phone)
252
00:18:07,644 --> 00:18:08,844
Yes?!
253
00:18:09,044 --> 00:18:11,044
What's the Japanese for slut?
254
00:18:18,244 --> 00:18:22,044
Bastard fucking Jap!
l'm taking out economic sanctions.
255
00:18:22,044 --> 00:18:24,444
That Yoji suit is going straight back.
256
00:18:24,444 --> 00:18:26,844
l'm copping off tonight if it kills me.
257
00:18:27,044 --> 00:18:28,844
Oh, yes!
258
00:18:33,044 --> 00:18:34,844
Oh, shit.
259
00:18:35,044 --> 00:18:38,844
He's back again! He really is stalking us.
260
00:18:38,844 --> 00:18:42,244
- This is getting creepy.
- Cos he goes to Babylon?
261
00:18:42,244 --> 00:18:44,244
Yeah, that's so unusual(!)
262
00:18:44,444 --> 00:18:47,044
(Alexander) Oh, my God!
There's a better one!
263
00:18:47,244 --> 00:18:51,444
Him there in the silver top. Blimey!
Chance'd be a fine thing.
264
00:18:55,044 --> 00:18:57,244
Sometimes you see these men.
265
00:18:57,244 --> 00:19:00,844
You see them and you think,
''That's it! That's him!''
266
00:19:01,044 --> 00:19:03,844
You don't even talk to him,
you never see him again,
267
00:19:03,844 --> 00:19:05,844
he doesn't even know you exist.
268
00:19:06,044 --> 00:19:09,444
But you think about that man
for the rest of your life.
269
00:19:49,444 --> 00:19:51,244
Bastard!
270
00:19:51,444 --> 00:19:53,444
He doesn't even have to try.
271
00:20:00,444 --> 00:20:04,044
(Alexander) He's not!
(Dane) He can't!
272
00:20:04,044 --> 00:20:06,444
He can!
273
00:20:06,444 --> 00:20:08,444
(lnaudible)
274
00:20:21,644 --> 00:20:23,444
He's not having 'em both?!
275
00:20:24,844 --> 00:20:26,844
You don't understand.
276
00:20:37,644 --> 00:20:40,044
(Phil) What does he say to 'em?
277
00:20:40,044 --> 00:20:43,844
lf we knew that...
lf we knew the magic words...
278
00:20:44,044 --> 00:20:46,244
But he says 'em for all of us.
279
00:21:39,244 --> 00:21:43,644
He cops off with anyone, that Stuart.
He'll be riddled.
280
00:21:43,644 --> 00:21:48,244
- You're better off without.
- You saw him. He's the best.
281
00:21:48,244 --> 00:21:52,644
l've had the best.
Come on, let's go home.
282
00:21:52,644 --> 00:21:54,644
Nah, let's get chips.
283
00:21:56,444 --> 00:21:58,444
(Phil) Taxi!
284
00:22:00,644 --> 00:22:02,644
Hey!
285
00:22:05,244 --> 00:22:06,644
Hey!
286
00:22:07,644 --> 00:22:10,244
Oh, sorry, was that yours?
287
00:22:10,444 --> 00:22:13,244
- Dunno.
- Oh...take it.
288
00:22:14,244 --> 00:22:16,444
Saw you in Babylon.
289
00:22:16,644 --> 00:22:18,644
- Where are you going?
- Withington.
290
00:22:19,644 --> 00:22:22,044
So am l.
291
00:22:22,044 --> 00:22:23,844
Go halves?
292
00:22:25,844 --> 00:22:28,044
OK.
293
00:22:43,644 --> 00:22:45,644
Nice place.
294
00:22:45,644 --> 00:22:48,444
- What's this again, Fallowfield?
- (Vince) Yeah.
295
00:22:48,644 --> 00:22:52,044
l don't know my way round,
l've only been here a couple of months.
296
00:22:52,244 --> 00:22:54,044
- l'm at the BBC.
- Oh?
297
00:22:54,044 --> 00:22:56,444
- Doing what?
- Director on the Travel Show.
298
00:22:56,444 --> 00:23:00,644
l've just spent two weeks in
South America with Duffy from Casualty.
299
00:23:00,644 --> 00:23:03,644
Fantastic! Brilliant! Oh, my God!
300
00:23:03,844 --> 00:23:05,844
Do you want a drink?
301
00:23:05,844 --> 00:23:09,044
- Got a gin and tonic?
- Yep. Sit yourself down.
302
00:23:13,844 --> 00:23:15,644
(Alexander) Oh, stop moaning.
303
00:23:15,844 --> 00:23:20,044
lf you fancy a threesome at this time
of night you can't be choosy.
304
00:23:27,444 --> 00:23:31,644
We'll cope. We can cope. Just as long
as we don't touch each other.
305
00:23:31,844 --> 00:23:34,244
l don't want you even looking.
306
00:23:34,244 --> 00:23:38,044
Well, l have to look.
Might end up sucking the wrong cock.
307
00:23:38,044 --> 00:23:41,444
- And don't you suck mine.
- l've no intention.
308
00:23:49,044 --> 00:23:51,044
(Door crashes)
309
00:23:53,044 --> 00:23:55,044
(Door crashes)
310
00:24:10,444 --> 00:24:13,444
(Laughs nervously) Nice.
311
00:24:18,044 --> 00:24:20,444
You've done all right, haven't you?
312
00:24:20,444 --> 00:24:23,444
Yeah, well, l work from home, so...
313
00:24:23,644 --> 00:24:25,444
l like it to be nice.
314
00:24:25,644 --> 00:24:28,644
- Do you want a drink?
- Just water.
315
00:24:31,244 --> 00:24:33,244
So, what do you do then?
316
00:24:33,444 --> 00:24:36,444
Oh, it's boring really. lt's like editing.
317
00:24:36,644 --> 00:24:41,244
lt's this project, coordinating market
aspects of third world debt.
318
00:24:41,444 --> 00:24:42,844
Boring.
319
00:24:45,044 --> 00:24:47,244
You don't mind, do you? lt's good stuff.
320
00:24:48,844 --> 00:24:51,044
No. Fine.
321
00:24:54,444 --> 00:24:56,844
So can l stay the night?
322
00:24:56,844 --> 00:24:58,844
Yeah.
323
00:24:59,044 --> 00:25:01,044
Right, erm... Water.
324
00:25:03,644 --> 00:25:05,644
l'll have a beer.
325
00:25:34,044 --> 00:25:36,244
l'm... l'm sorry, l've got to piss.
326
00:25:36,444 --> 00:25:38,444
lt's OK.
327
00:25:42,844 --> 00:25:44,644
(Mobile beeps)
328
00:25:47,444 --> 00:25:50,244
- (Beep)
- You're not gonna believe this.
329
00:25:51,444 --> 00:25:55,244
'l copped off! His name's Jonathan,
he's in the bathroom.
330
00:25:55,244 --> 00:25:58,644
'He's really nice.
He's nice looking and everything.
331
00:25:58,644 --> 00:26:02,044
'And he works in telly!
He's met Ruby Wax.
332
00:26:02,044 --> 00:26:05,644
'He's got her home telephone number
and everything and he's not lying.
333
00:26:05,844 --> 00:26:10,444
'He's for real! l'll phone you as soon as
he's gone. This is brilliant. See you!'
334
00:26:11,644 --> 00:26:13,644
..cos you stitch the mouth up.
335
00:26:13,844 --> 00:26:16,244
But the eye, the eye opens.
336
00:26:18,044 --> 00:26:20,844
The eye on a corpse falls open.
337
00:26:20,844 --> 00:26:23,244
The relatives are in the chapel of rest.
338
00:26:24,644 --> 00:26:27,844
They want dignity.
They don't want eyes open.
339
00:26:28,844 --> 00:26:32,044
So you get this contact lens.
lt's got spikes.
340
00:26:33,244 --> 00:26:35,844
Sharp little spikes on the surface.
341
00:26:35,844 --> 00:26:38,844
Put in the lens, slap down the eyelid,
342
00:26:39,044 --> 00:26:43,244
spikes dig in, sticks it shut.
343
00:26:46,244 --> 00:26:49,044
Right. l'll wash me knob.
344
00:26:55,644 --> 00:26:57,644
He's Fred West.
345
00:27:19,044 --> 00:27:21,244
l'd better warn you.
346
00:27:21,244 --> 00:27:23,844
lf you ever go to Brazil...
347
00:27:24,044 --> 00:27:27,444
lf you're in Brazil and you're
on the beach, sit on a towel.
348
00:27:27,644 --> 00:27:29,444
Right?
349
00:27:29,644 --> 00:27:34,244
Cos they've got these parasites
that live in the sand and they burrow.
350
00:27:34,444 --> 00:27:38,644
They burrow up through the sand
and sort of burrow themselves into you.
351
00:27:38,644 --> 00:27:41,844
You can kill them with this ointment
but it takes a while.
352
00:27:42,044 --> 00:27:43,444
So...?
353
00:27:43,644 --> 00:27:47,244
So l've got Brazilian beach parasites
living in my arse.
354
00:27:50,244 --> 00:27:52,644
Shall l get a taxi?
355
00:27:53,444 --> 00:27:55,644
(Straining) Oh, it's locked!
356
00:27:55,844 --> 00:27:57,844
We're two floors up anyway.
357
00:28:00,044 --> 00:28:01,844
(Toilet flushing)
358
00:28:06,244 --> 00:28:09,244
Let's get on with it.
l'm burying a bride and groom at ten.
359
00:28:09,444 --> 00:28:12,844
Yes. l'll just... Bathroom. Can l?
360
00:28:12,844 --> 00:28:14,844
Hurry up then.
361
00:28:50,644 --> 00:28:52,644
(Gasps)
362
00:28:56,244 --> 00:28:57,644
(Crash)
363
00:28:57,644 --> 00:29:00,044
(Vince) l'm never going out again. Ever.
364
00:29:01,244 --> 00:29:05,444
Bastards, all of them.
Not just bastards, diseased bastards.
365
00:29:05,444 --> 00:29:08,444
'You're not gonna believe
what he told me.'
366
00:29:08,644 --> 00:29:12,244
'l've had some stories
but this one... Bastard!'
367
00:29:14,044 --> 00:29:16,044
'Oh, and he was nice.
368
00:29:16,244 --> 00:29:20,444
'He was really nice, like the bloke
l've been waiting for.'
369
00:29:20,444 --> 00:29:23,644
'He was lovely. All of him was lovely.
370
00:29:23,844 --> 00:29:25,844
'The entire colony.'
371
00:29:29,044 --> 00:29:32,044
Anyway, l bet you're having a good time.
372
00:29:32,244 --> 00:29:34,244
Give us a call.
373
00:29:34,244 --> 00:29:36,444
Lots of love.
374
00:29:48,044 --> 00:29:50,044
Go on. Have a go.
375
00:29:50,244 --> 00:29:52,244
You paid for the taxi.
376
00:29:53,444 --> 00:29:57,244
- Yeah, OK.
- Jake sold it me. He's a top lad, Jake.
377
00:29:58,844 --> 00:30:00,644
Good old Jake.
378
00:30:04,444 --> 00:30:07,044
That's it.
379
00:30:07,044 --> 00:30:09,044
Yeah.
380
00:30:15,244 --> 00:30:17,244
- How's that?
- lt's OK.
381
00:30:17,444 --> 00:30:19,044
Yeah?
382
00:30:19,244 --> 00:30:21,444
Should do more than that.
383
00:30:21,444 --> 00:30:24,644
- lf he sold me shit...
- (Snorts)
384
00:30:24,644 --> 00:30:26,644
l'll just get some water.
385
00:30:26,844 --> 00:30:29,444
- Woah!
- (Laughing)
386
00:30:43,444 --> 00:30:45,244
(Gasping)
387
00:30:55,244 --> 00:30:57,444
lt's all right, mate.
388
00:30:57,444 --> 00:30:59,644
First time. lt's always like this.
389
00:30:59,844 --> 00:31:01,844
W-Water.
390
00:31:02,844 --> 00:31:05,644
lt's all right, mate. All right. Come here.
391
00:31:05,844 --> 00:31:08,044
Hey! What the fuck are you doing?
392
00:31:08,044 --> 00:31:10,844
What the fuck are you doing? Shit!
393
00:31:10,844 --> 00:31:13,044
Oh, fuckin' hell.
394
00:31:15,244 --> 00:31:17,044
Fuck. Fuck!
395
00:31:49,444 --> 00:31:50,644
(Laughter)
396
00:31:51,844 --> 00:31:54,244
lt's not funny and you're all bastards.
397
00:31:54,444 --> 00:31:56,844
Dane, you're such a twat!
398
00:31:56,844 --> 00:31:58,844
l swear - a cock like a baby's arm.
399
00:31:59,044 --> 00:32:01,444
He sprained his wrist
and l sprained me arse!
400
00:32:07,644 --> 00:32:15,044
$ Uh-huh, make me
tonight $ Tonight... $
401
00:32:15,044 --> 00:32:19,644
- (Mobile)
- $ Make it right... $
402
00:32:19,644 --> 00:32:22,844
Philip Delaney,
where the fuck have you been?
403
00:32:24,044 --> 00:32:27,244
- (Woman) 'ls that Vince?'
- Yeah. Who's that?
404
00:32:27,444 --> 00:32:29,844
Sorry. That's Phil's number, isn't it?
405
00:32:30,044 --> 00:32:34,244
- lt's his mother.
- 'Oh. Right, yeah. How are you?'
406
00:32:34,244 --> 00:32:37,244
l thought... ls Phil there?
407
00:32:37,444 --> 00:32:40,844
lt's the phone. He's got numbers
programmed into the phone.
408
00:32:40,844 --> 00:32:43,044
l thought l'd better start...
409
00:32:44,044 --> 00:32:46,044
There's nothing wrong, is there?
410
00:32:46,244 --> 00:32:49,844
They phoned me this morning.
The police.
411
00:32:50,044 --> 00:32:52,244
What's happened?
412
00:32:54,244 --> 00:32:56,444
They're saying it was days ago.
413
00:32:56,644 --> 00:33:00,644
$ Aaah, tonight
414
00:33:01,844 --> 00:33:04,044
$ Atomic $29763
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