All language subtitles for Perfect.Harmony.S01E10.1080p.WEB.H264-METCON

- * Oh, I can't get home fast
enough, Santa Claus *

- I thought you weren't
allowed to do electrical work.

- Oh, no, I'm not allowed to
legally call myself

an electrician,
but in my own home,

I can do as much
subpar work as I want.

[car horn honking]

- He'll be right there!

Hold your horses, Susan!

I'm making freakin'
family memories here!

- Mom.
- Sorry.

Susan's just a little,
you know...

Have a great time at practice.

I love you!
- Love you, too.

- So I think we need
to talk

about what happened
on Thanksgiving.

- You mean the sex thing?
I blame the tryptophan.

It probably gave me that
cute-sleepy-koala-bear look.

- It did.

But we cannot do it
again, okay?

I don't want things
to get muddled for Cash.

Or for me.
- Agreed.

Won't happen again.

- [exhales deeply]

Okay, if we're gonna do this,

it has to be just
a holiday fling, okay?

It'll all be done
by New Year's.

And before you ask,
American New Year's,

not Chinese.

Oh, and we have to keep it
casual, so no strings.

Do you think you can do that?

- Am I okay with just having
sex and not doing any other

relationship stuff
I'm terrible at?

- Mm-hmm.
- [laughs]

Hell, yeah.
- [giggles]

[gasps] Oh, fudge, we're gonna
be late for choir practice!

Oh, and remember,
nobody can know about this.

- Mornin'.
- Mornin'.

- Hey, Jenny, you beat me here.
- What?

No, I didn't.
Wait, of course I did.

Wait, what?
- What?

- Huh?
- Yeah.

- Okay, everybody, um--

["Jingle Bells" playing]
Wow.

We have this, but we don't have
a lock on the bathroom door?

- Oh, what a shock, Arthur is
the Grinch who hates Christmas.

- Such a shame, 'cause
you look just like Santa.

- No, I love Christmas.

I used to conduct
a sold-out Christmas concert

every year at Princeton.

- Oh, is that where
you used to work?

I almost forgot.
- Yeah, Princeton.

- Mm-hmm.
- Quick!

Help me take this down.

- Okay, now we have
to take it down.

Can we trade it in for
a lock on the bathroom door?

- I just found out my parents
are in town,

and they're headed here.

- The idea
of you having parents

is somehow disorienting.

- They're world-famous.

- His parents are missionaries,

and when it comes to religion,
they're...

What's the right way
to say it?

- Strict.
- Puritanical.

- Can we not say white?
- You can't.

- My parents
are wonderful people,

but they live
by 1 John 2:15--

"Do not love this world
or the things it offers you."

I'm sorry, Santa--
I love everything about you,

but my parents can't see
my secular side.

I can't handle the judgment.

- Well, they're the ones

that should be worried
about judgment.

Missionaries have no business
coming into populations

and imposing their
supposedly superior values.

- You mean like you do to us
with music.

- Nah, that's different.
I have taste. You don't.

- Taste this.

- Arthur, I've never kicked
anyone out of this church,

but I think it would be best
if you go home for a while

and don't come back.

- Well, you can tell your
imperialist missionary parents

that they can spread the good
word up my--

- Jax.
- Hello, son.

- Ass.
I was gonna say "ass."

- Mom, Dad!

It's such a blessing
you're here.

One that was sprung on me with
no time for mental preparation.

- Sorry for the short notice,
but we thought it might be nice

for you to spend some time
with your sister.

- Which one?

Not Graciela.
She's finishing up med school.

Not Mishki.
She's on her honeymoon.

Wei-Lin?

- No, you have a new sister.

Anjali.

- [muttering]

- Wow.

Your parents definitely
have a type.

- * Hallelujah,
Thine the glory *

* Revive us again

- We found Anjali
in the same orphanage

where we found you, Jax,
and just like then,

we fell in love and had to
bring her into our family.

[chuckles]

- Can I read my Bible
in the car?

- Just crack the windows
so the Holy Ghost can get in.

What a shy one.
- [chuckles] Aw.

Your church is so...

cozy.

- Well, you're seeing it empty.

I wish you could see it
at a service.

It's so full...

of people...
- Mm...

- Because I'm a good minister.

- I assume choir practice
is off.

I'm just get out of here
before I get adopted.

- [laughs]
- That's Dr. Arthur Cochran--

our choir director
and resident quipster.

Ha ha, Arthur.
Bye!

- Were we just in the presence
of the Arthur Cochran,

the--the famous conductor?

- Throw in "rumpled"
and "handsome,"

and, yes,
you would be correct.

Hi.
- We are such huge fans.

- Well, thank you.

- Your Princeton Chamber Choir
recording

of Handel's "Messiah"
was exulting.

- Well, actually,
"The New York Times"

used the word
"revelatory,"

but let's not get
caught up in semantics.

"Exulting" will do.

You know what I'm gonna
do for you?

I've got some 8x10s
in my bag.

I keep 'em handy
for fans like you.

- Oh. [gasps]
- Whoop.

[air hissing,
"Jingle Bells" playing]

- Oh, no.
- Jax.

- A Santa Claus
in a church?

- Well, we have a lot
of families here.

And the kids love it.
- Yeah, of course they do.

But only God can give you the
true gift of everlasting life.

- Thank goodness Anjali
didn't see this.

- Okay, who should I make
this out to--is it Luke?

It's fans like you
that make stars like me.

How about that?
- Excuse me, I'll just...

[holiday music playing,
air hissing]

- Oh. You okay, Jax?
- Yes.

[music stops]

- Amen!

- Oh, hey, Jenny, do you still
need me to swing by later

and install that, uh--
- Please don't say "pipe."

- Pipe.

Yeah, okay, I'll bring
my toolbox.

- So how long have you two
been hooking up?

- What?
Oh, no, that's crazy.

- Is it?
[laughs]

- Okay, fine.
How did you know?

- I have a sixth sense.

I know when stuff
is gonna happen.

Like, I knew the ending
of "The Sixth Sense."

- Please, just don't make
a big thing out of this.

- I won't,
but you have to tell me why.

- I don't know.

Sneaking around is kind of hot,
you know?

I mean, it reminds me
of when we were in high school

and my parents thought Wayne
was a stone-cold loser

just 'cause
he was on unemployment.

[chuckles, clicks tongue]
- You have grown since then.

Wayne has not.

Isn't that why you wanted
to divorce him?

- We're just having fun.

It'll all be over
by New Year's.

I just--I need to get him
out of my system.

- Ugh, like a bad taco
or a blood-borne illness.

It sounds fun.
- Shh.

- This is so much better than
the food we had in Indonesia.

- We ate
so much Sbarro's there.

[laughing]
- I'll be right back.

Oh, milk.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy, tiger.

- I love having my parents
in town,

but they're so successful.

I can't help but feeling
like a loser around them.

- You're not a loser.
You got a lot going for you.

Number one--you know me,
and your parents love me.

Watch this.

Hey, guys, how's lunch going?
Can I get you anything?

Maybe, uh, I don't know, a
selfie with a famous conductor?

[laughter]
Are there any around?

Oh, wait, that's right.
Me!

[both laugh]
- That would be such a treat.

- You know,
I'm sure the real treat

would be for you to watch
me conduct.

I'm so sorry you won't be here
for our Christmas concert.

- Oh, we could have had
the live broadcast.

Our two million
YouTube subscribers

would have loved that.
- Two million?

- Yes, but, sadly, we are
boarding a plane for Thailand

on Saturday.
- Aw.

- Well, that's ridiculous.

We can j--we'll move
the concert up.

We'll just do it
on Friday, right?

Could we?
- Yes!

Then you can see the church
packed to capacity.

- Oh, wonderful.
- Friday it is.

- Are you insane?

- That's the night
of the big UK game.

- Everyone'll be watching.
The church'll be empty.

- [coughing]

Yeah, I think I'm coming down
with something.

I don't think
I can be there either.

- My parents want
to see a concert,

and you are not going
to disappoint them.

So you will show up,
and you will like it!

- Wow, you really went
Full Metal Cardigan there,

didn't you?

- How are we gonna find
100 people who don't want

to watch the UK game?
- They can DVR it.

Everyone knows the game is so
much more exciting to watch

after it's ended and you know
the score from social media.

- Who cares about the people
in the church?

There'll be over two million
people around the world

watching it on YouTube.

- Two million people?
Well, that's amazing.

- No, no celebrating yet.
You still suck.

- We don't even have
an audience.

Brains, brawn, you're in charge
of getting butts in the seats.

I'm sorry--when I get stressed,
I lose my filter.

- Okay, shall we dive in?

- You heard the man.
Focus.

We need to practice 24-7
and find an audience

the other 24-7.

- This schedule's gonna cut
into our fun.

- We found out a way to have
sex on our class field trip

to Abraham Lincoln's
birthplace--we can do this.

- I still have that hat.
- I still have that beard.

- Ginny, Wayne!
Pay attention!

[chimes playing]
Carla!

Stop hitting those chimes!

- They're for
"Carol of the Bells."

- Carla,
don't just stand there!

Hit those chimes!

all: * Hark how the bells,
sweet silver bells *

* All seem to say,
throw cares away *

* Christmas is here,
bringing good cheer *

* To young and old,
meek and the bold *

* Ding-dong, ding-dong,
that is their song *

* With joyful ring,
all caroling *

* One seems to hear,
words of good cheer *

* From everywhere,
filling the air *

* Oh, how they pound,
raising the sound *

* O'er hill and dale,
telling their tale *

* Gaily they ring
while people sing *

* Songs of good cheer
- Be better!

all:
* Christmas is here

* Merry, merry, merry,
merry Christmas *

* Merry, merry, merry,
merry Christmas *

* On, on they send,
on without end *

* Their joyful tone
to every home *

* Hark how the bells,
sweet silver bells *

* All seem to say,
throw cares away *

* Christmas is here,
bringing good cheer *

* To young and old,
meek and the bold *

* Ding-dong, ding-dong,
that is their song *

* With joyful ring,
all caroling *

* One seems to hear,
words of good cheer *

* From everywhere,
filling the air *

* Oh, how they pound,
raising the sound *

* O'er hill and dale,
telling their tale *

* Gaily they ring
while people sing *

* Songs of good cheer,
Christmas is here *

* Merry, merry, merry,
merry Christmas *

* Merry, merry, merry,
merry Christmas *

* On, on they send,
on without end *

* Their joyful tone
to every home *

* On, on they send
on without end *

* Their joyful tone
to every home *

* Ding-dong, ding-dong

* Bom

*

- what, you have
a fly, right?

- [gasps] Hey.
- Oh.

- Hi, there.

- Um, we like to pray
in the supply closet

'cause, you know...
[scoffs] Jesus was a carpenter.

- Ah.
[door closes]

- Mom and Dad.
- Oh, hi, sweetheart.

We are going to a fundraiser,

and I wonder if you
could watch Anjali for a bit.

She's slow to warm up, but--
- Of course.

It'll be fun to connect
with someone 30 years younger.

[door closes]
- Hey.

Everyone is so excited
about this concert on Friday.

I was thinking, at the risk
of blowing out the Internet,

maybe I should record a promo
for the fans.

- You mean build a little buzz?

- Yeah.
- Rolling.

- Hello,
I'm Dr. Arthur Cochran,

and I want you to tune into our
Christmas concert this Friday.

It's doctor's orders!

- Fantastic.
Nice take.

- It's not a take.
It's a gift.

- [laughs] See ya later.
- See ya.

- So you want to watch your
big brother sing in a choir?

[door opens, closes]

Okay.
[sighs]

Cash!
You're a child.

Anjali's a child, too.

Why don't you two go play
in my office?

- Actually, I--

- Wouldn't want
to disappoint God?

[country-tinged holiday music]

*

- Can I try?

- I mean, I guess.

It's kind of complicated,
though.

[gunshots and screaming
on video game]

Did you just make
a pipe bomb out of a sneaker?

I didn't know
you could do that.

- How do I get one of these?
- I don't know.

Ask Santa.
- Who?

- You don't know
who Santa is?

I'm about
to blow your mind.

- Athanasios, you like music.

Come to the Christmas concert
on Friday.

- Ah.
No, thank you.

- A little less
second-grade teacher,

a little more "Godfather."

Make him an offer
he can't refuse.

Hey, isn't your family in town?
- They are.

- Bring them to the concert,
and I'll give you a day off.

- Throw in Greek Easter and my
yia-yia's birthday, and I'm in.

- You drive a hard bargain.
- Hmm.

- He should've held out.

I was gonna
give him health insurance.

- I am so excited
about this concert.

I just hope I can whip
the choir into shape by Friday.

- Ask Santa for help.
- What?

[chuckles awkwardly]
Santa? Who's that?

No one, that's who.
- You've never heard of Santa?

He's just like Jesus,

but he rewards people who
behave righteously with toys.

- Interesting--
they are kind of similar,

aside from the obvious
weight difference.

- No, he's nothing
like Jesus, okay?

- So did you two have fun?
- So much fun.

I learned about Santa.

He's gonna bring me this game
called "Murder Car,"

where you kill people
and then steal their cars.

- There's also prostitutes.
- [gasping]

- What?
What can I talk about?

- Jax--sweetheart, your brother
has led you astray.

- [sighs]
That was so fun,

I am not even gonna eat
my feelings about it later.

- That's good, 'cause Dwayne
only eats rabbit food.

- [chuckles]

Ew, gross!

I thought you gave up
chewing tobacco.

- Oh.
- Oh.

[objects rattle]

[gasps]
That's my birthstone.

- Mm-hmm.

- What happened to no strings?

- Yeah, see, I don't think
I can do no strings,

especially with you,

'cause I never wanted
to break our strings.

- Whoa.

I need to think about this.

- I understand.
It's a lot.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'll take 'em back.

- Whoa, no.
You just gave 'em to me.

No backsies.
- They're real, too.

They won't turn your ear green
or nothing.

- So, Barb, what are you doing
this Friday?

- I'm going to
the Wildcats game, obviously.

- It would mean a lot if you
came to the Christmas concert.

- Can I have a solo?
- You're not in the choir.

- Can I be in the choir?
- Um...

If you bring
three friends, sure.

- All right.

- Ah, please tell me Wayne
didn't buy you those earrings.

- He's a new man.

They're the first gift he gave
me that I don't have to feed.

- You know Wayne
better than I do.

- Mm-hmm.
- So you'd know how a man

who tries to pay his tab
in snake eggs

would be able to
afford fancy earrings.

- I don't have to ask.
I trust him.

- Trust him enough to still
have a joint bank account?

[suspicious music]

*

- [gasps]
Son of a B!

[groans]

- Where's Mom and Dad?

- They're in the back recording
a sermon for YouTube.

I'm sure it's
"prodigal son" related.

You sure love the Bible,
don't you?

- Well, we move around a lot.

It's one thing
I can always count on.

- It's not easy bouncing around
all the time.

[chuckles] I used to sneak away
and watch movies.

You should've seen
the look on Dad's face

when he caught me watching "If
Rosemary had Baptized her Baby,

None of This
Would've Happened."

- I used to love
watching movies.

I watched them all the time
back in India.

- What was your favorite?

- Anything
with Priyanka Chopra.

- I love her.
- Her Bollywood stuff.

Not the lifeguard movie called

"Running Around
in Red Swimsuits is a Sin."

- Would it be all right
if I tousled your hair?

- I'd rather you didn't.
- And that's why I asked.

[chuckles awkwardly]

- That was nice.
Except for that hair tousle.

That was weird.
- It felt weird.

- Yeah, it creeped me out.

- Do you think my parents
will get mad

about the whole movie thing?

- What, you connected with her.
You--you made her smile.

Isn't that what church
is all about?

- Could you repeat that
when my parents are around

so they know I successfully
ministered to an atheist?

- Jax, forget about
what your parents think.

This is your church.

You need to think about
how you want to reach people.

We have 24 hours
before the concert.

What do you say--you want
to Jax it up a little bit?

- Maybe, but it'll still be
to an empty church.

- You worry about the music.
I'll worry about the crowd.

Actually, I'll worry
about the music and the crowd.

- Can someone take this?

I don't want to be seen
with a big pair of scissors.

People project aggression
onto men of my stature.

- Don't pass them to me.

I can't look my friends
in the eye

knowing I cut off
the UK game.

- Come on, give it to me.

The only thing people project
on me is privilege.

Remember, after all,
this is for Jax.

- It's this one right here.

I appreciate you making such
a huge sacrifice for a friend.

- What sacrifice?

- This is
the Internet connection

as well as the cable.

You're cutting off our chances
to broadcast the concert

on YouTube.

- Torn between a return to
relevance

and helping a weirdo
in a cardigan

who I didn't even know
four months ago.

- He looks really cute
in that cardigan, though.

- Damn it.

He does.

[electricity whirs off]
Let's go!

Go, go!
- Got it.

- [humming innocently]

- There you are.

Did you take money
from our joint account

to buy those earrings?

- Part of it, yeah,

but then the rest I invested
in my buddy Dookie's business.

- I can't believe
I thought you changed.

This is something the old Wayne
would've done,

and in case you forgot,
he's the one I'm divorcing.

- It's a can't-miss.

He's turning
Tracy Chapman lyrics

into inspirational towels.

- Take these back.

I think it's best we start

our New Year's resolution
early this year.

- Oh, but, Jenny...

Tracy Chapman's
never been hotter.

This is her year.

[indistinct chatter]

- Look at this crowd.

We haven't had this many people
since Google Maps

accidentally listed us
as a "Second First Churros."

[indistinct chatter]

- What is Barb doing here?

- Oh, she's in the choir now,
and she has a solo.

- What?
- Go with it.

- [sighs]
Good evening, everyone!

Welcome to The Second First
Church of the Cumberlands.

I, of course, am
world-renowned choir director

Dr. Arthur Cochran.

I have worked
with bigger choirs.

I have worked
with better choirs.

But I have never worked
with a choir

that has made me so happy, and
that is because of one man--

Our Reverend Jax.

Give him a hand.
[applause]

So, this year, we're
celebrating Christmas his way.

[quietly] And apparently anyone
is allowed to join.

all: * Joy to the world,
the Lord has come *

* Let Earth receive her King

* Yeah

- You guys!
It's a Bollywood Christmas!

* Joy to the World

* The Lord has come

* Let Earth
- * Let Earth

- * Receive
- * Receive

all:
* Her King!

* Santa Claus
is coming to town *

* Let every heart

* Prepare Him room

* You better watch out,
you better not cry *

* You better not pout,
I'm telling you why *

* And Heaven
- * And Heaven

all: * And Heaven
and Nature sing *

* Santa Claus
is coming to town! *

* Joy to the world,
joy to the world! *

* Santa Claus
is coming to town *

- Ho, ho, ho, ho!

all: * Santa Claus is coming
to town *

* Joy to the world,
joy to the world *

* Santa Claus
is coming to town *

- Don't forget--
keep the Christ in Christmas.

all:
* Santa Claus is coming

* To town

* Joy to the world

[cheers and applause]

- That service was awesome!
Is it always like this?

- We try.

Next week I'll be improv'ing
my sermon.

Like, I'll ask for a place, and
someone will yell, "Heaven!"

And then I'll, like, riff
for 30 to 40 minutes.

- I'll be back for that.
- [laughs]

So, uh, I know my service
was a little, uh...

unorthodox.

- Unorthodox, uncouth,
uncalled for...

- But you did get Anjali
to come out of her shell.

- So you must be doing
something right.

- Boy, I'll say.
That service was so moving,

it almost caused me
to doubt my atheism.

- [gasps]

- I'm kidding.
Merry Christmas.

- I, uh--I thought
about what you said,

and, uh, I'm gonna go
to the bank tomorrow

and open up my own account.

- Oh, well, thank you, but that
doesn't change anything.

- I know.

I also started a college fund
for Cash.

- With what money?

- Well, it turns out
that Costco

picked up Dookie's towels.

We made our investment back
plus a little something extra.

- Well, I guess it is
Tracy Chapman's year.

- Sure is.
Look at us.

We made it through this
no strings attached.

- [sighs]

There is one tiny string.

I might be pregnant.

[suspenseful music]

- Well...

Cash won't be happy
that half his $38

is going into
the baby's account, but...

- [sighs]

- It's only right.