All language subtitles for Letterkenny s08e05_English

You had to use
the facilities the other day.

Oh, fucking Alexander.

Mmm�hmm. This is
where the dicks hang out.

Oh, that's right.
Gail had told me

you're helping with
clean up here now, eh?

(CHUCKLES) Shake more than once
and we know what you're doing.

How long you been at it?

48 fiscal hours.

More than enough time to see
a nightmare or two in here, eh.

Sometimes there's shit,

on the outside
of the torlet.

�Huh?
�Sometimes there's shit,

on the outside
of the torlet.

Huh. Is that right?

If you think that's bad,
you should see the uriness.

�Huh?
�If you think that's bad,

you should see the uriness.

They get pretty
hairy over there?

Sometimes there's shit,

on the outside
of the uriness.

�What?
�Sometimes there's shit,

on the outside
of the uriness.

Fuck a duck.

Well, how do you think
it got there?

Remember how I said,
sometimes there's shit

on the outside
of the torlet?

�Yeah.
�Well, I'll bet the shit

got on the outside
of the uriness,

the same way the shit
got on the outside

�of the torlet.
�Didn't that sound...

This piss
is now streaming.

�Wayne?
�No.

How are you now?
Not so bad.
Good, and you?

�Alexander.
�Out there, you're Canadian.

In here... European.

Oh, shit.

Looks like someone
unswallowed over there.

Hmm. If you think
that's bad,

sometimes there's shit,
on the outside of the torlet.

�Huh?
�If you think that's bad,

sometimes there's shit,
on the outside of the torlet.

I spray the seat
from time to time

when I've got
crap on tap,

but I never miss
the bowl entirely.

Fuckin degens
need to mind their scruples.

If you think that's bad,
you should see the uriness.

�Huh?
�You think that's bad,

you should see the uriness.

Hmm. Pretty hairy over there?

Sometimes there's shit,
on the outside of the uriness.

�What?
�Sometimes there's shit,

on the outside
of the uriness.

How the fuck
did shit get there?

Remember when I said,
sometimes there's shit

on the outside of the torlet?

Feels like you told me that
nearly a year ago now.

Though we're kind of burning
daylight here, eh?

�Mmm�hmm.
�I bet the shit

got on the outside
of the uriness,

the same way the shit
got on the outside

�of the torlet.
�Uh�oh.

No offense or nothing,
but I think

I rather just
piss outside, Alexander.

I just came in
to wash my hands.

Why are you washing
your hands?

�Had a dart.
�Hm.

Well, I'd have
a dart.

Maybe I'd have
a dart with you

and then wash my hands
after that dart.

Hey gents.

I know how the shit
got on the outside

of the torlet
and also the uriness,

but why would someone

take a shit on the outside
of the torlet

and also the uriness?

'Cause that's where
the dicks hang out.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

�Wayne.
�Katy.

What are you
up to today?

�What abouts?
�This aft.

What, like this
afternoon�ish?

This afternoon�ish, yeah.

Well, I'd have
to check my agenda.

�You check your log?
�Check your records?

Well, I checked
your day planner

and your logged line
underlined it in bold

and highlighted
in italics.

Oh?

Anything, uh,
ringing a bell?

�Striking a cord?
�Drumming on up?

Oh, that's right.

ALL: Yard sale Saturday!

Super fucking shooters.

You boys
ready to dicker?

Well, you always
gotta dicker.

Heard McMurray's got
a real good spread this year.

�How big a spread?
�Like good size spread.

What, like
two�three table spread?

No, like three�five
table spread.

A three to five tabler!

Gail's tabling
all of her old glassware

so I'll get a set or two.

Well, Katy, you better
make sure you got

fucking room for another set.

There's plenty of room
for another set.

Katy, there's such a thing
as too much sets,

a gal oughta be
fucking aware of it.

Dan, you still gonna be
after old books?

Well, same as you is gonna be
on the hunt for old pornos Dary.

Yeah, I bet the McMurray's got
a good spread on their spread.

And there'll be lots of
old tins

and signage for you,
big brother.

Good buddy, how that
get to be your niche?

Old signs and tins?

Well, it's the history
of it I like.

It's the history, you see.

Where it started,
why it started,

where it's been.

Professor Tricia says,
lots of those old corporations

were run by racists and that
they should just be left

in the waste paper basket
where they belong.

Well, I should tell
Professor Tricia

if you don't understand
where you came from,

you never understand
where you are.

�Bak�set.
�Attaboy.

Well, make sure
she dickers.

Well, you always
gotta dicker.

Wayne, why don't you tell us
the Canadian Pickers'

guide to dickering?

You mean
the greatest Canadian

feelgood show
of all time,

�Canadian Pickers?
�Yep.

�Step one.
�Identify item

and recite
some history on it

to establish genuine interest
in the said item.

�Step two.
�Ask the seller,

what are you gonna need
to have out of that?

�Step three.
�No matter what price

the seller gives you,
tell the seller,

"Well, that sounds like
retail to me."

KATY: Step four.

Circle back on step two

and ask the seller,

"What's the absolute best
you can do on it?"

And step five?

If the seller holds firm,

bundle item of interest in

with a few other items
to get the price down

to one you're
comfortable paying.

�Bob's your uncle.
�Masterful.

That's how
you fucking dicker.

Well, you always
gotta dicker.

Are one of youse
wearing perfume?

Men aren't supposed
to wear perfume, Katy.

She might means cologne,
good buddies.

Could be eau de toilette
'cause that's unisex.

Oh, what fucking isn't
these days?

Sounds like someone's
going on a date.

Well, it's not a date.
It's a...

go along.

Sounds like
a date to me.

No, it's not a date.
It's a...

walkabout.

Rosie came calling.

Is it racist to say that

I think Rosie looks a whole
lot like Princess Jasmine?

No, we're just gonna
take the dogs

for a run there, so.

Hmm. Doggy date.

Sounds like a pretty choice
afternoon, big brother.

Some say the choicest.

Well, I'm gonna
bring Dierks.

So, see if Rosie
wants to come too.

(GRUMBLING)

Couple of five�elevens,
if I've ever seen 'em.

�Huh?
�You're fucking average.

Do you think
Bush did 5/11?

Update.

Uh, we couldn't exactly...

get the club
off the ground.

You're kidding.

Told ya. Pay up.

That's strike one.
Moving on.

BROdude has suggested
we lend you

resources for
a photoshoot.

See if we can't get you
looking a little less

herrrr.

�Sick!
�I shot down that suggestion.

�Gutty.
�And suggested

that any resources
lent to Derek Zoolander

and Hansel would be
misused resources.

So, you're going
to do it yourselves.

Be models?

A photoshoot.

�Huh.
�Find a photographer

and have them
shoot you the way

you would like
to be portrayed

as BROdude
brand ambassadors.

Get a girl or two
like this on board

to check
the representation box,

strip 'em down
like this,

and send to me
when complete. Kapiche?

Isn't it kinda not PC

to include a girl
but then sexualize them?

Pull out
your fucking tampon.

Could we...
could we use those girls?

Remember what
I just said

about misused resources?

�Yes.
�And neither one of these girls

would cross the street to piss
on you if you were on fire.

Would you?

You've let me down today.

I'm gonna have to take
a number on both of you.

What's the opposite of "he?"

BOTH: Herrr?

You're fucking right
it is. 24 hours.

Okay, bro.

We're gonna need
a mega babe.

Hmm.

Daryl's ex�sweetie!

(BOTH CHEERING)

Is it racist to say that
I think that

Daryl's ex�sweetie
looks like Princess Jasmine?

ALY: Stewart.

�Aly.
�Stewart.

Bianca�donk.

�Stewart.
�Roald.

Know that quote
from Spider�Man,

with great risk
comes great reward?

Actually, it's with
great power comes...

She's paraphrasing.

We're back
in business, baby.

�C�Nicholadas.
�G�Nicoladas.

Actually, it's GHB�Nicoladas.

She's abbreviating.

We're going back
to the city, but

before we do,

Let's talk about
the great reward

that follows
your great risk.

ROALD: And that quote
is actually

by Uncle Ben as well,
not Spider�Man.

She's ballparking, Roald!

For clarification,
we're talking about...

Some of that good fucking.

�Mmm. Mm�hmm.
�Mmm. Mm�hmm.

Wonderous.

Keys.

�You seen Rosie yet?
�No.

We've got two hours
to run the dogs

before I'm back with Dierks.
So, pitter�patter.

Okay.

Must've been
kind of weird.

First impression meeting
Dierks at the rippers, eh?

Well, a first impression's
a lasting one.

Proceeding with caution.

You're a big girl.

Buck and a half, we're
tabling yard sales, 10�4?

ALL: Over and out.

�Wayned.
�Dan.

Must be kind of weird
first impression

meeting Katy's new sweetie
at the rippers there, eh?

A first impression's
a lasting one.

Well, she said
she'll proceed with caution.

Well, she's a big girl.

You don't much care
for him, does youse?

No, you shouldn't air
your dirty laundry.

�Good guy?
�Who, Dierks?

He's a pretty good guy.

Oh, he's a great
guy then. Dierks.

�Why do you say it like that?
�Huh?

�His name.
�Who, Dierks?

�Yeah.
�Well, I make him say

�Dierks anyway.
�Oh, sures he does.

Say my name.

�Dary.
�Now his.

Dan.

And what's Katie's
new sweetie's name?

�(LOUDLY) Dierks.
�Yeah. Now I hear it.

You says it
a certain way.

You hammered really hard
on the "D."

(LOUDLY) Did I?

(GULPING)

REILLY: You know how
Daryl's ex�sweetie

has a super
racy Instagram?

JONESY: I can't stop
loving you!

Well, I slid into
her DMs and I was like,

"Hey, know how you're
an Instagram model?

"Well, how would
you like to be a..."

I don't even know
what the fuck they're called.

�A real model?
�See, that's what

I ended up going with,
like a real model,

�how would you like to be...
�A real model, like,

someone who is actually
a real model.

Yeah, like, an actual,
real model.

So, I said, "How would you like
to be an actual, real model?

�Mmm�hmm.
�"for BROdude energy?"

And what did she say?

Something in French.

Well, the only French
I know is like... zut!

Yeah, me too.
Like, zut alors!

�And what did you say?
�Well,

I gave her
my email address

because my email has
a translation option.

�Did she email you back then?
�She emailed me back, bro.

What did it
translate to, buddy?

This message required
no translation, buddy.

Whoa.

Zut.

Zut alors.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(BOTH WHOOP)

Honey, you sure?

Well, look at this tall
drink of Canadian Lager

lumbering over.

Lumber Lager is
a choice name for a beer.

Oh well, Katy got
a wee bit held up

at the border there, so thought
we'd just shlep'er over.

�Shlep'er?
�Hardly knew her.

Well, if no one's driving
how'd youse like

to get into one
of these cocksuckers?

No time like the present
Ms. Mac.

�Mmm.
�Oh, Wayne,

mind if I...

take your date
deep inside?

Go inside the house
with your date.

�Oh, we're not on a...
�We're not on a...

Okay.

See, remember
I was telling you

McMurray's got
a three to five tabler?

Hells of a spreads
you gots here, McMurrays.

It's a two knuckler table'n.

�Oh, it's a good spread.
�As advertised.

Well, it's a great spread.

What were you expecting?

�Honestly,
�Shall we be honest?

I thought I was coming
over here to see

two�three banquet tables

with a card table
on each end.

Oh, no sir.

But now I come over here
and I see five banquet tables

with a card table
on each end.

Once you become
predictable, Wayne,

you become beatable.

What are you tabling
this year, McMurray?

Oh, no. Look
with your eyes,

not with
your hands, Dary.

Now, would you just
look at that?

Top Tobacco Canada.

Now, that is
a beautiful piece.

Ain't that
a beautiful piece?

Pertnear mint too.

Oh, I can see
she's pertnear mint,

But unfortunately for you,

pertnear's only good
in horse shoes and...

�Long darts.
�Yep.

Top Tobacco Canada,
founded in the early 1900s.

One of Canada's first
distributor of tobacco.

Bet you didn't know that.

Oh, I am impressed
with your knowledge, Wayne.

�McMurray...
�Mmm?

What are you gonna need
to have outta that?

Oh, that's a $50 bill any day
of the week, Chief.

See, now that sounds
like retail to me.

Look here, Chief.
You said yourself

it's a beautiful piece.
Given the condition of it,

and the historical value
attached to it.

�$50 you say?
�Mmm�hmm.

�McMurray...
�Mmm?

What's the absolute best
you can do on it?

Well, being an avid
collector myself,

Wayne, I can't see myself

parting it with any less
than a $50 note.

Why don't we just...

Why don't you bundle
a few items together, Big Dad?

�Ol' long dick Dierks!
�Pardon?

Long dicker Dierks today,
tight shirt, huge pecs.

Just see if you can get
the price down

just a wee bit for 'em there
boo�boo kitty fuck.

Let's keep this thing civil.
Very civil. Very square.

(CACKLING)

Now, that is how
you dicker

you old coon hound.

You can learn something
from him, Wayne.

Always gotta dicker.
Never show up empty�handed.

�Brewskis?
�That was polites of him.

That was polite of him.

Oh, yes. You're in G&T
country now, fella.

Very hospitable. Very
hospitable, very helpful.

�Thank you.
�Well, there is my wife.

My well�wisher.
My whole wide world, baby.

Is it racist to say
that your wife

�looks like Princess Jasmine?
�He's a tools.

That's Dierks, baby.

Old long dong himself?

I'm a hugger.

So you gotta get
in here 'cause I'm a hugger.

I'm fucking Hugs Bunny.

�(MOANS) Oh.
�There you go, okay.

�All right, easy.
�Oh, it's always

nice to meet
another hugger.

Don't she gives some
good hugging there, Dierks?

Oh, you're a good hugger, baby.
You know you're the good hugger.

Okay, we're good.

I got one
for you too, Dan.

Came all the way up here
to meet you, you fucking

gigantic, cheerful loneliness.
Bring it in.

All right. It's gonna
be slightly less intense

�than your previous hug.
�Okay.

That is some
good huggings.

�Hug life.
�Mmm�hmm.

�Daryl.
�And you.

You must be Rosie.

Then I will be.

You had to tame
this one, didn't you?

Look at you,
you fucking cowboy you.

You know,
Brokeback break my heart.

(WAYNE GRUMBLES)

Where are the lights?

Just on the

ceiling where they
generally are.

Where's the, like,
production team?

You are looking at 'em.

And where's the camera?

Oh, we figured
we'd just take a selfie.

But don't worry.
We've taken hundreds of them.

�Thousands.
�Tens of thousands.

We've taken
ten thousand selfies.

(CHUCKLES)
Let's recap.

BROdude Energy has hired me

for a photoshoot
with no camera...

Just this guy.
(IMITATING SHUTTER SOUND)

�and no lighting.
�Still on the ceiling

where they generally are.

And no one from
BROdude Energy is even here?

Just us.

I see two dudes
in BROdude hats.

�Oh.
�Oh.

Don't worry.
BROdude has asked us

to be brand ambassadors,

but we have to prove
to them

that we can, eh, um,

ambassa... dize.

And once we've proven that
to them we're going straight

to the tippity�top.

And guess what,
we're taking you with us.

All the way!

�(SPEAKING FRENCH)
�Sick.

�Jonesy.
�Anik.

We have this sort of,
creative vision

in mind, but
first we'd like to ask

what... what would you say
is like the...

�Allure?
�Nice, buddy.

What would you say is the
biggest part of the allure

to your racy Instagram?

�Tits.
�Tits!

Titties!

We also thought
that was a major factor.

Not the only factor,
but dudes love titties.

Dudes love titties, boys.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

� Oui.
�So, with that in mind,

are you ready to begin
executing our rise

as BROdude
brand ambassadors?

�And yours.
�Yes, of course, yours as well.

Let's ambassadize.

�Yeww!
�Yew!

�Ferda!
�Ferda!

�Titties. Oh!
�Yes.

(MOANING)

Repent.

Sinner.

How'd you like to hear
this old goat say...

�(IMITATING GOAT BLEATING)
�WAYNE: Gailer.

Some other time.

Wanna see my spread?

That's for me?

Oh, I can see it.

It's very uh, substantial.

Very substantial, very specific.

My other one.

(GLEN BLOWING RECORDERS)

Look at you.

You're like
a li'l Leo Day�ka�prio.

You're like
a heathen Christian Bale.

You're like
a Johnny dippity Depp,

mixed in with
The Last Of The Mohicans

Danny Day�Lewis,

and a hint of Eddie Norton
in Fight Club,

and a soupcon
of Jay Bourne Matty Damon,

and it's working for me.

�(BLOWS RECORDERS)
�This is Dierks.

�(MOCKINGLY) Dierks.
�Hi.

The Dierker the berry

the sweeter the juice.

GLEN: Now you're like a li'l

Hughie Jackman, Bradley Pitt,

stick of Harry Ford.

Makes me wanna Hugh Dancy,

till I get Tom Hardy.

Wouldn't kick him out of bed
for eatin' crackers.

Hey, Gailer?

Do you have any of those uh...

reading materials?

�DARYL: That, I uh...
�Dary wants your pornos, cousin.

Why didn't he just say that,
cousin?

Ask and you shall receive, Dary.

Late '70s
or early '80s Playboys?

More bush

�than a Christmas tree farm.
�Repent!

How's the used book collection,

�Gailers?
�Ooh,

that's my purview this year,
Daniel.

I've emptied out
the church library,

so I have
some fascinating titles

for bargain basement prices.

�Try this one.
�Ooh!

And really think on it.

Original MoDean's glassware.

WAYNE: Would you take a look
at that?

That is a beautiful piece.

MoDean's I,

�established in...
�Okay, I got this one, Big Dad.

MoDean's I,
established mid '80s

you were saying.

You were listening.

DIERKS: First drinking
establishment in town

to have a dance floor.

Very conducive. Very conducive,
very considerate.

Very crucial.

Very constructive.

Very cooperative.

Somebody tie my dick to my leg.

Gorgeous Gail, what are you
gonna need to have out of that?

�Take 'em.
�Well, thank you.

For not giving me
the retail price,

but seriously,
what's the absolute best

�you can do on 'em?
�GAIL: Take 'em.

Take me.

I think,
this is the most fired up

I've ever seen her.

Should we bundle
a few items together?

I'm surprised we're not bundling
a few items together right now.

(WAYNE GROANING)

Okay, Daniel. Start a library.

REILLY: It's go time, buddy.

JONESY: Getting
this thing ready.

Go!

I think you're going
to be pleased.

�Okay.
�JONESY: My billet sister

knows photoshop.

We dug deep for this one, boys.

Great tits.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

We've blown up the photo
for optimal viewing.

�Can't wait.
�Without further a�dough...

Aw! Sacrament.

REILLY: Right? Sacrebleu!

JONESY: Zut alors!
REILLY: Baguette!

JONESY: La bibliotheque!

�Passeporte.
� Oui, oui, oui!

Soup du jour!

�JONESY: Le francais!
�Okay.

Do you have the original photo?
Without the tit faces?

We do. We wanted to

�show you the entire process...
�Lemme see.

A star is born.

�Great movie.
�Terrible song though.

Like, why does everyone
have to fuckin' sing now?

I'm talking to her.

Name?

Doesn't matter.
I'd like to offer you

and your tits, a six figure
BROdude Energy contract.

What are your thoughts?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

You're both fired.

Told you I was taking numbers.

And that's strike two.
You're out.

JONESY: No. It's three strikes

�and you're out.
�That's baseball.

Oh, I play
soccer�baseball rules.

Thought I mentioned it.

Oh, well. Ciao.

Yewww!

BOTH: Yeww.

�Big brother.
�How'r ya now?

�Good'n you?
�Not s'bad.

�Big Dad.
�(SARCASTICALLY) Dierks.

�Kat and I...
�Kat?

�Katy�Kat.
�Cool it.

We found a couple guys uptown,

in from out west,
to hit up some yard sales.

Good dudes.

Thought you might be able to uh,

point 'em
in the right direction.

(EXCLAIMS)

Sweet dick!

Smooth cock!

So Dierks, which one is which?

Nice guy, eh?

�Scott?
�Sheldon?

(ALL TOGETHER)
The Canadian Pickers.

What are the odds, big brother?

Your mentors in dickering.
Right here in Letterkenny.

Letterkenny, Ontario.

Irish community following
the 1840s potato famine.

Still strong Irish roots today.

Beautiful place.

Welcome to fuckin' Letterkenny.

�Thank you.
�The boys are in the middle

of one of their tours
across Canada.

Looking for hidden treasures
in people's basements,

attics and barns.

Just no cameras this time.

SHELDON: I said to Scott,

see that fork in the road?

�BOTH: Take it.
�(ALL LAUGHING)

I like that one. I laugh at that
one every time.

The show is just terrific,
fellas.

Everyone you run into
across the country is so nice.

Makes a fella proud
to be Canadian.

Scott can be a little aggressive
dickering,

but we always leave
with a smile on our face.

Just gotta know how to dicker.

Oh, you always gotta dicker.

Speakin' of dickering,

that fresh produce stand there.

That's a beauty.

I can see there is
a little Birdseye maple,

and I can smell
the cherry wood from here.

�Smells like Ontario. Eh, Shel?
�SHELDON: It's a beauty.

So, Wayne.

What are you gonna need
out of it?

Well, fellas.
She's not for sale, but fuck!

Time and materials

put her at about

$2,500.

Yikes! That sounds
like retail to me.

Okay, Wayne.

What's the absolute best
you can do

for a couple of pickers
out of Calgary?

Fellows, you know, I'd really
like to help youse out,

but I can't part with it.

The history is just
too important around here.

If you don't understand
where you came from...

...you'll never understand
where you are.

Fair enough.

But what say we bundle up
some of this fresh produce?

You can take it with you
on your travels.

How 'bout throw in a couple
cold beers in the sunshine

and you got yourself a deal?

That's a heck of a deal.

Your terms are acceptable.

Thank you.

Where's youse guys off to next?
New Liskeard?

Penetang?

Petrolia?

I couldn't believe
you guys found the bell

that killed Jumbo,
in St. Thomas.

BOTH: Allegedly!

(CELL PHONE RINGING
AND VIBRATING)

You gonna get that?

Mind your beeswax.

It's a beautiful day for hay.

It's fuckin' barley.

�Need a hand?
�Sorted.

Maybe run the house
get Dary actually.

I got half cut
with Scott and Shel.

Listen, incredibly sexy,
Big Dad.

I know it was a bit
of a weird first impression,

getting to know me
at the strip club.

Very weird.

Very weird, very weighty.

A first impression's
a lasting one.

�Katy...
�Katy's a big girl.

When I'm at the rippers,
that ain't me.

Just out having a giggle.

Putting on a show for the boys.
I'm really not that guy.

�Good.
�You can trust me, cute.

Yeah, okay.

You don't trust me, huh?

A snake can shed its skin,
but it's still a snake.

�Katy's a...
�Katy's a girl who knows

exactly what she wants.

So, if anything,
you oughta have an eye.

�Okay.
�And here's the thing,

and I'm gonna tell ya.
If you mis�step...

you'll have every dude
in Letterkenny lined up

around the block for ya.

�Won't mis�step.
�And I'll be comin' first.

A guy walks into a bar.

There's a terrorist
behind the bar.

Guy says to the terrorist,
"I'll have a vodka

"on the rocks." Terrorist picks
up a single ice cube in one hand

and says, "Oh,

"you like ice?"

Guy says, "Yeah,

"but more than one piece."

Terrorist scoops up a handful
of ice in the other hand

and says, "Oh,

"so you like...

"ices?"

Get the fuck outta here.