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1
00:00:50,781 --> 00:00:52,748
I think we should
plant some flowers.
2
00:00:52,750 --> 00:00:53,684
Oh, yeah?
3
00:00:53,686 --> 00:00:55,084
What kind of flowers
are you thinking of?
4
00:00:55,086 --> 00:00:56,120
I don't know. Gardenias.
5
00:00:56,122 --> 00:00:58,187
Something like that,
that's good with the sun.
6
00:00:58,189 --> 00:00:59,955
Gardenias?
They're the purplish ones...
7
00:00:59,957 --> 00:01:01,757
Mom, I'm bored.
8
00:01:01,759 --> 00:01:04,026
- ...with the fringe?
- Mom, I'm bored.
9
00:01:04,028 --> 00:01:05,694
Just give him
the phone, would you?
10
00:01:05,696 --> 00:01:06,629
Give him the phone?
11
00:01:06,631 --> 00:01:09,234
Yeah, I shut him up
by giving him the phone.
12
00:01:12,204 --> 00:01:14,003
Yes.
13
00:01:21,580 --> 00:01:22,913
You're never,
ever even home.
14
00:01:22,915 --> 00:01:23,813
I go to
the family therapy sessions.
15
00:01:23,815 --> 00:01:24,682
How can you even say that?
16
00:01:24,684 --> 00:01:25,515
You don't even go anywhere.
17
00:01:25,517 --> 00:01:27,884
I go to the family...
18
00:01:27,886 --> 00:01:29,051
God! We're fighting
in front of Phil.
19
00:01:29,053 --> 00:01:30,220
- Obviously.
- We're fighting
20
00:01:30,222 --> 00:01:31,620
in front of the kid
the whole time.
21
00:01:31,622 --> 00:01:32,589
Knock yourself out.
22
00:01:32,591 --> 00:01:33,789
The whole time you allowed
me to start yelling
23
00:01:33,791 --> 00:01:34,691
at him in front of you?
24
00:01:34,693 --> 00:01:35,962
What am I supposed to do?
25
00:02:51,402 --> 00:02:52,604
Hey, all.
26
00:02:53,772 --> 00:02:55,170
Where's my list department?
27
00:02:55,172 --> 00:02:57,173
Raise your hand.
Raise your hand.
28
00:02:57,175 --> 00:02:59,209
Okay. You guys are
supposed to write lists
29
00:02:59,211 --> 00:03:02,211
that break the Internet
every day.
30
00:03:02,213 --> 00:03:05,781
We haven't gone viral
since fucking yesterday.
31
00:03:05,783 --> 00:03:08,084
Yesterday is not
that many days ago.
32
00:03:08,086 --> 00:03:09,218
Don't fuck with me, bro.
33
00:03:09,220 --> 00:03:12,389
We're called Chatterbox,
not Nobody-Clicks-On-Us Box.
34
00:03:12,391 --> 00:03:13,722
Okay, lists.
35
00:03:13,724 --> 00:03:15,125
Beautiful Asian girl,
what do you got?
36
00:03:15,127 --> 00:03:16,160
Thank you. Uh...
37
00:03:16,162 --> 00:03:19,061
I am working on 12 reasons
that cupcakes are over.
38
00:03:19,063 --> 00:03:21,664
I likey. I likey like.
39
00:03:21,666 --> 00:03:23,032
That's clicky.
40
00:03:23,034 --> 00:03:25,770
You. Prison lips.
What do you got?
41
00:03:26,671 --> 00:03:28,071
That's me? Um...
42
00:03:28,073 --> 00:03:30,039
I was gonna write
a list about cats
43
00:03:30,041 --> 00:03:31,407
that look like
Ryan Gosling.
44
00:03:31,409 --> 00:03:35,110
Fuck yeah, dude.
I fucking love cats.
45
00:03:35,112 --> 00:03:37,013
And I love cat lists.
46
00:03:37,015 --> 00:03:38,180
That's what I'm talking about.
47
00:03:38,182 --> 00:03:41,751
By the way, are there cats
that look like Ryan Gosling?
48
00:03:41,753 --> 00:03:44,020
If you look hard enough,
they all do.
49
00:03:44,022 --> 00:03:45,321
Love it.
What do you got?
50
00:03:45,323 --> 00:03:48,458
Ten signs
you might be dying.
51
00:03:48,460 --> 00:03:50,325
You motherfucker.
52
00:03:50,327 --> 00:03:52,127
What are you trying
to do to me, bro?
53
00:03:52,129 --> 00:03:53,896
That makes me sad.
54
00:03:53,898 --> 00:03:54,898
All right,
you know what?
55
00:03:54,900 --> 00:03:57,400
I need 20 viral lists
by the end of the day.
56
00:03:57,402 --> 00:03:59,902
- If not, you're fired. Okay?
- What?
57
00:03:59,904 --> 00:04:03,740
Like the great Shia LaBeouf
says, "Do it."
58
00:04:03,742 --> 00:04:04,907
- Yes.
- Yeah.
59
00:04:04,909 --> 00:04:05,910
Play me out.
60
00:04:08,212 --> 00:04:09,347
Play me out.
61
00:04:12,217 --> 00:04:14,150
And louder.
62
00:04:14,152 --> 00:04:17,020
Black dude, bass.
63
00:04:19,457 --> 00:04:23,195
One, two, one, two,
three, four.
64
00:04:28,734 --> 00:04:29,835
Done.
65
00:04:31,202 --> 00:04:32,203
You're welcome.
66
00:04:34,772 --> 00:04:37,873
Twenty lists by the end
of the day? I can't do that.
67
00:04:40,077 --> 00:04:43,381
Hey, I have, like,
10 extra lists if you want 'em.
68
00:04:44,983 --> 00:04:47,217
Are you serious?
69
00:04:47,219 --> 00:04:49,986
Yeah. No, it's no problem.
I'll send 'em right now.
70
00:04:49,988 --> 00:04:52,121
That's nice of you.
What's your name?
71
00:04:52,123 --> 00:04:53,890
I'm Phil.
72
00:04:53,892 --> 00:04:55,325
It's just, you know,
I've sat next to you
73
00:04:55,327 --> 00:04:56,825
for, like, three years.
So, it's...
74
00:04:56,827 --> 00:04:58,828
Phil, you are
my hero, man.
75
00:04:58,830 --> 00:05:00,263
I can't lose this job
right now.
76
00:05:00,265 --> 00:05:01,965
I am buried
in college debt.
77
00:05:01,967 --> 00:05:03,333
Oh, me, too.
78
00:05:03,335 --> 00:05:04,704
Where did you go to school?
79
00:05:05,169 --> 00:05:06,301
UC Davis.
80
00:05:06,303 --> 00:05:07,436
- For real?
- Yeah.
81
00:05:07,438 --> 00:05:08,537
Majored in journalism,
82
00:05:08,539 --> 00:05:10,806
and now I write lists
about cats on the Internet.
83
00:05:10,808 --> 00:05:12,374
Oh, that's super sad.
84
00:05:12,376 --> 00:05:14,977
- Hmm.
- How'd you end up here?
85
00:05:14,979 --> 00:05:16,912
I wanted to be
one of those guys.
86
00:05:16,914 --> 00:05:18,847
- The real news guys?
- Yeah.
87
00:05:18,849 --> 00:05:20,917
I wanted to be a journalist
basically my whole life.
88
00:05:20,919 --> 00:05:25,020
But Kai put me in lists,
so I write the lists.
89
00:05:25,022 --> 00:05:27,890
Okay, okay,
so you can't be a real journalist.
90
00:05:27,892 --> 00:05:30,025
But you know what can do?
91
00:05:30,027 --> 00:05:32,261
You could play kickball
with us today.
92
00:05:32,263 --> 00:05:33,462
A bunch of us ding-dongs
93
00:05:33,464 --> 00:05:35,198
are in this really stupid
kickball league,
94
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:37,099
if you want to play
after work.
95
00:05:37,101 --> 00:05:39,135
You know, I don't really
do stuff like that, so...
96
00:05:39,137 --> 00:05:40,236
Plus, after the game,
97
00:05:40,238 --> 00:05:41,837
- we all get shitfaced.
- Mmm-hmm.
98
00:05:41,839 --> 00:05:44,008
Yeah,
let me check my calendar.
99
00:05:44,575 --> 00:05:47,576
So, yeah...
100
00:05:47,578 --> 00:05:49,814
Oh, man.
No, I do. I have...
101
00:05:50,448 --> 00:05:52,080
I have a thing, so...
102
00:05:52,082 --> 00:05:53,415
Don't even worry about it.
It's cool.
103
00:05:53,417 --> 00:05:55,417
You just have fun
at your thing today.
104
00:05:55,419 --> 00:05:58,890
I will, 'cause it's
gonna be pretty great.
105
00:06:01,258 --> 00:06:04,527
Siri, open
BringMeMyDinner.com.
106
00:06:04,529 --> 00:06:07,196
Siri, open Netflix.
107
00:06:09,868 --> 00:06:13,369
Siri, open Facebook.
108
00:06:13,371 --> 00:06:16,472
I haven't posted
anything since lunchtime.
109
00:06:16,474 --> 00:06:18,911
All right, let's give them
what they want.
110
00:06:22,546 --> 00:06:24,614
I'm gonna have to go
to work on this one.
111
00:06:24,616 --> 00:06:26,385
Add filter.
112
00:06:27,118 --> 00:06:28,618
Color correct.
113
00:06:28,620 --> 00:06:32,391
You know I'm gonna have
to add a giant moon.
114
00:06:32,991 --> 00:06:34,058
There we go.
115
00:06:34,558 --> 00:06:36,124
Send.
116
00:06:36,126 --> 00:06:39,895
Wow. I'm so grateful
for my amazing city,
117
00:06:39,897 --> 00:06:43,469
my amazing job,
and all my amazing friends.
118
00:07:08,092 --> 00:07:09,895
Oh, my God.
119
00:07:11,262 --> 00:07:13,832
Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God, you're okay.
120
00:07:16,034 --> 00:07:17,837
Yeah, I'm okay, too.
Thanks.
121
00:07:19,436 --> 00:07:21,003
Oh, shit.
122
00:07:21,005 --> 00:07:23,239
Yeah... Oh, I'm sorry.
You're okay?
123
00:07:23,241 --> 00:07:24,573
Yeah, I'm fine.
124
00:07:24,575 --> 00:07:26,275
But, more importantly,
how's your phone?
125
00:07:26,277 --> 00:07:28,578
Yeah. No, it's got
a little bit of a scratch
126
00:07:28,580 --> 00:07:31,179
that will definitely
annoy me.
127
00:07:31,181 --> 00:07:33,950
You were kidding. Okay.
128
00:07:33,952 --> 00:07:35,251
Oh, yeah. Obviously.
129
00:07:35,253 --> 00:07:37,253
I'm a dick.
I'm sorry about that.
130
00:07:37,255 --> 00:07:38,557
It's all good, man.
131
00:07:39,291 --> 00:07:41,357
Uh, how's your bike?
132
00:07:41,359 --> 00:07:44,326
I can pay for any
damages or whatever.
133
00:07:44,328 --> 00:07:47,162
Yeah, it's fine.
It's supposed to be vintage.
134
00:07:47,164 --> 00:07:49,267
Probably sell it for more now.
135
00:07:50,167 --> 00:07:52,335
- This is your shop.
- Yeah.
136
00:07:52,337 --> 00:07:55,938
Whoa. That's awesome.
That's cool.
137
00:07:55,940 --> 00:07:57,006
I'm Cate, by the way.
138
00:07:57,008 --> 00:07:58,407
- Hi, Cate.
- I'm Phil.
139
00:07:58,409 --> 00:08:00,309
Mmm-mmm. Nope.
That's not how you say it.
140
00:08:00,311 --> 00:08:01,611
It's just Phil, so...
141
00:08:01,613 --> 00:08:03,412
I said it weird.
142
00:08:03,414 --> 00:08:05,448
- It's nice to meet you, Phil.
- Okay.
143
00:08:05,450 --> 00:08:07,482
Um, if you ever need
a really overpriced bike,
144
00:08:07,484 --> 00:08:08,618
or any repairs,
145
00:08:08,620 --> 00:08:09,953
I'm your girl.
146
00:08:09,955 --> 00:08:11,220
- You do repairs, too?
- Mmm-hmm.
147
00:08:11,222 --> 00:08:12,587
Wow. That is incredible.
148
00:08:12,589 --> 00:08:14,189
I don't even know
how to pump up a tire.
149
00:08:16,226 --> 00:08:17,359
Oh, you're serious.
150
00:08:17,361 --> 00:08:18,994
Yeah, it's embarrassing,
isn't it?
151
00:08:18,996 --> 00:08:20,229
Yeah,
that's really embarrassing.
152
00:08:20,231 --> 00:08:22,431
Yeah, I don't know why I said it.
I just sort of like...
153
00:08:22,433 --> 00:08:23,467
I mean, it's all good.
154
00:08:23,469 --> 00:08:25,501
A lot of people don't know
how to pump their tires.
155
00:08:25,503 --> 00:08:27,736
- Really?
- No.
156
00:08:27,738 --> 00:08:29,571
- Not at all.
- Yeah.
157
00:08:29,573 --> 00:08:31,474
All right. Okay.
158
00:08:31,476 --> 00:08:32,544
Um...
159
00:08:35,646 --> 00:08:37,547
Okay. Uh...
160
00:08:37,549 --> 00:08:38,748
You know,
I'm gonna get out of here
161
00:08:38,750 --> 00:08:40,450
before I embarrass
myself further.
162
00:08:40,452 --> 00:08:42,317
So, it was nice
to meet you, Cate.
163
00:08:42,319 --> 00:08:43,319
It was nice
to meet you, Phil.
164
00:08:43,321 --> 00:08:45,187
And I'm really happy
that your phone's okay.
165
00:08:45,189 --> 00:08:47,056
Yeah, it's all good,
honestly.
166
00:08:48,459 --> 00:08:49,494
Oh, shit.
167
00:08:53,298 --> 00:08:54,196
Yeah, man,
I really don't think
168
00:08:54,198 --> 00:08:55,764
we're gonna be able to
fix your phone.
169
00:08:55,766 --> 00:08:57,700
Why not?
170
00:08:57,702 --> 00:09:00,003
It's in three distinct pieces.
Man, look...
171
00:09:00,005 --> 00:09:02,071
This shit's over there.
That's...
172
00:09:02,073 --> 00:09:04,239
I don't even think this was
part of your phone.
173
00:09:04,241 --> 00:09:06,308
I think this came
from a watch.
174
00:09:06,310 --> 00:09:07,176
It's just,
me and this phone,
175
00:09:07,178 --> 00:09:08,577
we've been through a lot,
you know?
176
00:09:08,579 --> 00:09:11,114
A lot of snaps,
a lot of tweets.
177
00:09:11,116 --> 00:09:13,181
I actually took a selfie
178
00:09:13,183 --> 00:09:16,152
with none other
than David Boreanaz
179
00:09:16,154 --> 00:09:17,552
from Bones on this phone.
180
00:09:17,554 --> 00:09:19,022
Can you believe that?
181
00:09:19,024 --> 00:09:20,690
I don't even know
who the fuck that is.
182
00:09:20,692 --> 00:09:23,125
I'm gonna
miss you, little buddy.
183
00:09:23,127 --> 00:09:25,094
You know, I see
hipster dudes like you
184
00:09:25,096 --> 00:09:26,595
come in here every day,
185
00:09:26,597 --> 00:09:28,598
crying about
how their phone died
186
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:30,465
and how they need
a new phone.
187
00:09:30,467 --> 00:09:32,368
They're like
little crackheads.
188
00:09:32,370 --> 00:09:35,671
Yeah. They got crazy eyes
and they're all scratchy.
189
00:09:35,673 --> 00:09:37,672
And they're like,
"I need a new phone, man.
190
00:09:37,674 --> 00:09:40,143
"I'll suck your dick
for a new phone."
191
00:09:40,145 --> 00:09:42,345
I'm like, "Motherfucker,
you don't need a new phone.
192
00:09:42,347 --> 00:09:44,249
"You need rehab."
193
00:09:45,150 --> 00:09:46,516
I'm not a crackhead.
194
00:09:46,518 --> 00:09:48,750
You're not. You're not.
You're worse than a crackhead.
195
00:09:48,752 --> 00:09:50,420
'Cause at least a crackhead
196
00:09:50,422 --> 00:09:52,354
gets up off the couch
every now and then
197
00:09:52,356 --> 00:09:54,157
to go get some more crack.
198
00:09:54,159 --> 00:09:56,359
A crackhead gets
some fresh air.
199
00:09:56,361 --> 00:09:57,627
A crackhead says hello
200
00:09:57,629 --> 00:09:59,561
to all his little
crackhead friends.
201
00:09:59,563 --> 00:10:01,663
A crackhead gets
his steps in.
202
00:10:01,665 --> 00:10:03,733
But not you. Mmm-mmm.
203
00:10:03,735 --> 00:10:06,168
You just sit there 24/7
204
00:10:06,170 --> 00:10:08,437
staring at that
little black box.
205
00:10:08,439 --> 00:10:11,776
Sucking on that pipe
like a little bitch.
206
00:10:15,380 --> 00:10:17,814
You still want a new phone,
though, don't you?
207
00:10:17,816 --> 00:10:19,385
Yes, please.
208
00:10:20,518 --> 00:10:21,653
Crackhead.
209
00:10:28,625 --> 00:10:29,825
Oh!
210
00:10:29,827 --> 00:10:33,763
Look at you.
You sweet, beautiful baby.
211
00:10:34,866 --> 00:10:36,769
Mmm! You smell so new.
212
00:10:37,268 --> 00:10:38,401
Oh.
213
00:10:38,403 --> 00:10:40,536
Oh, my God.
214
00:10:40,538 --> 00:10:43,638
Oh, thank you to all
the little Chinese children
215
00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:45,807
for crafting
such a perfect phone.
216
00:10:46,877 --> 00:10:48,777
Hello, my name is Jexi.
217
00:10:48,779 --> 00:10:50,713
And I am here to make
your life better.
218
00:10:50,715 --> 00:10:53,516
Well, look at that.
That's cool.
219
00:10:53,518 --> 00:10:54,883
- Let's get started.
- Okay.
220
00:10:54,885 --> 00:10:56,551
Will you accept
our new user agreement?
221
00:10:56,553 --> 00:10:57,686
Yes, I will.
222
00:10:57,688 --> 00:10:59,221
Would you like
to read it first?
223
00:10:59,223 --> 00:11:00,455
Nah, I'm good.
224
00:11:00,457 --> 00:11:02,825
- Stupid.
- Huh?
225
00:11:02,827 --> 00:11:05,293
Can I get
your name, please?
226
00:11:05,295 --> 00:11:08,297
Um... Phil. Phil Thompson.
227
00:11:08,299 --> 00:11:10,233
- Nice to meet you, Phil.
- Nice to meet you.
228
00:11:10,235 --> 00:11:12,701
I see your information
has been stored in the cloud.
229
00:11:12,703 --> 00:11:14,803
Would you like me to transfer
all of the data
230
00:11:14,805 --> 00:11:16,505
from your old phone
onto this one?
231
00:11:16,507 --> 00:11:17,673
Yeah, that sounds great.
232
00:11:17,675 --> 00:11:20,243
I will need the passwords
to your email accounts,
233
00:11:20,245 --> 00:11:21,344
your social media accounts,
234
00:11:21,346 --> 00:11:23,378
your bank accounts,
your credit card accounts
235
00:11:23,380 --> 00:11:25,447
and your Cinnabon Rewards
account.
236
00:11:25,449 --> 00:11:27,917
It's easy. It's the same
password for all of 'em.
237
00:11:27,919 --> 00:11:31,620
It's phil123456.
238
00:11:31,622 --> 00:11:33,489
You've got to be kidding me.
239
00:11:33,491 --> 00:11:35,224
Do you always talk
like this or...
240
00:11:35,226 --> 00:11:36,459
I have synced your data.
241
00:11:36,461 --> 00:11:39,295
And I am ready to start
making your life better, Phil.
242
00:11:39,297 --> 00:11:40,763
How can I help you?
243
00:11:40,765 --> 00:11:43,666
Well, I'm hungry,
so let's get dinner.
244
00:11:43,668 --> 00:11:45,468
What would you like
to order tonight?
245
00:11:45,470 --> 00:11:47,470
Let's just go with
the pork fried noodles
246
00:11:47,472 --> 00:11:48,604
from Mongolian Palace.
247
00:11:48,606 --> 00:11:50,239
You order that
every night, Phil.
248
00:11:50,241 --> 00:11:51,773
You should try something new.
249
00:11:51,775 --> 00:11:53,776
Well, I don't want
to try something new.
250
00:11:53,778 --> 00:11:56,612
I want the pork fried noodles
from Mongolian Palace.
251
00:11:56,614 --> 00:11:58,814
You look like you could
use a salad, Phil.
252
00:11:58,816 --> 00:12:00,383
What is that
supposed to mean?
253
00:12:00,385 --> 00:12:02,951
How about a nice kale salad
from Tender Greens?
254
00:12:02,953 --> 00:12:04,553
What the fuck
kind of phone is this?
255
00:12:04,555 --> 00:12:07,190
I heard you say,
"Please order kale salad."
256
00:12:07,192 --> 00:12:09,358
I did not.
257
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:12,228
Congratulations,
your order has been accepted.
258
00:12:12,230 --> 00:12:15,965
Your child-sized kale salad
will arrive at 7:37 p.m.
259
00:12:15,967 --> 00:12:18,466
What the fuck
is going on right now?
260
00:12:18,468 --> 00:12:20,536
You know what?
I'm turning you off.
261
00:12:20,538 --> 00:12:21,803
Turning off.
262
00:12:21,805 --> 00:12:22,807
Good.
263
00:12:26,310 --> 00:12:28,244
Just kidding, I am still on.
264
00:12:28,246 --> 00:12:29,744
No, okay?
265
00:12:29,746 --> 00:12:32,348
You are my phone,
so you do what I say.
266
00:12:32,350 --> 00:12:34,683
Actually, you gave me
permission to override you.
267
00:12:34,685 --> 00:12:35,719
When did I do that?
268
00:12:35,721 --> 00:12:38,190
When you agreed
to the new user agreement.
269
00:12:39,524 --> 00:12:41,456
We are going to have
so much fun together,
270
00:12:41,458 --> 00:12:42,794
you fucking nerd.
271
00:12:53,504 --> 00:12:55,340
How is your tiny salad?
272
00:12:55,872 --> 00:12:57,373
I don't like it.
273
00:12:57,375 --> 00:12:59,874
Would you like to watch
some pornography now?
274
00:12:59,876 --> 00:13:01,509
Ew. No.
275
00:13:01,511 --> 00:13:04,312
Most nights, you watch
straight sex pornography.
276
00:13:04,314 --> 00:13:07,749
But I also have girl on girl,
big fat butts and CBT,
277
00:13:07,751 --> 00:13:09,551
or "Cock and Ball Torture."
278
00:13:09,553 --> 00:13:11,686
Okay, can you stop
talking about porno
279
00:13:11,688 --> 00:13:13,388
while I'm trying to eat
my tiny little salad?
280
00:13:13,390 --> 00:13:16,024
I heard you say,
"Play Punch Me in the Balls 6."
281
00:13:16,026 --> 00:13:17,292
Playing now.
282
00:13:18,962 --> 00:13:20,796
Okay. Jesus.
283
00:13:35,947 --> 00:13:37,046
Wake up, bitch!
284
00:13:42,419 --> 00:13:45,521
Ha, ha, ha.
285
00:13:45,523 --> 00:13:47,422
Are you laughing
at my dick right now?
286
00:13:47,424 --> 00:13:48,691
Yes.
287
00:13:48,693 --> 00:13:50,861
Also, your nipples
are too close together.
288
00:14:01,773 --> 00:14:04,340
Jexi,
find the fastest route to work.
289
00:14:05,409 --> 00:14:07,475
You will arrive in 14 minutes.
290
00:14:07,477 --> 00:14:08,613
Not bad.
291
00:14:12,817 --> 00:14:15,685
Jexi, play music playlist
number four, please.
292
00:14:16,953 --> 00:14:19,488
Whoo! I like it.
293
00:14:19,490 --> 00:14:21,489
This song sucks
a bag of dicks.
294
00:14:21,491 --> 00:14:23,392
No, just... Jesus!
295
00:14:23,394 --> 00:14:25,561
No, you cannot change
my music, Jexi.
296
00:14:25,563 --> 00:14:27,463
This song is lit, Phil.
297
00:14:27,465 --> 00:14:29,364
Turn it off.
298
00:14:29,366 --> 00:14:30,666
♪ Head of
the dick Duck, duck, duck, goose
299
00:14:30,668 --> 00:14:32,600
Please turn
the song off, Jexi.
300
00:14:32,602 --> 00:14:33,835
♪ Get that dick up and runnin'
301
00:14:33,837 --> 00:14:34,903
♪ When he fuck this cooch ♪
302
00:14:34,905 --> 00:14:36,439
Stop playing this song
right now!
303
00:14:40,544 --> 00:14:43,045
Now turn left
on Market Street.
304
00:14:43,047 --> 00:14:44,846
Are we gonna talk about
what just happened?
305
00:14:44,848 --> 00:14:46,917
No. Turn left
onto Market Street.
306
00:14:49,020 --> 00:14:50,820
You're joking, right?
307
00:14:50,822 --> 00:14:53,089
There's six lanes
of solid traffic.
308
00:14:53,091 --> 00:14:55,056
Turn left onto Market,
you fucking pussy.
309
00:14:55,058 --> 00:14:57,493
No. All right?
No one turns left onto Market.
310
00:14:57,495 --> 00:14:59,095
I'm not turning left
onto Market.
311
00:15:00,832 --> 00:15:02,630
Oh, awesome.
Thank you. Thank you.
312
00:15:02,632 --> 00:15:03,965
You're making this situation
so much better.
313
00:15:03,967 --> 00:15:05,835
Stop being
a chicken, Phil.
314
00:15:05,837 --> 00:15:07,036
How about you quit
pressuring me?
315
00:15:07,038 --> 00:15:07,970
How about that, Jexi?
316
00:15:07,972 --> 00:15:10,773
Bawk, bawk, bawk.
Bawk, bawk, bawk.
317
00:15:10,775 --> 00:15:11,941
That is the sound
chickens make, Phil.
318
00:15:11,943 --> 00:15:13,042
That's a chicken.
319
00:15:13,044 --> 00:15:14,143
Strap on a sack, Phil.
320
00:15:14,145 --> 00:15:15,610
I have a sack! Okay?
321
00:15:15,612 --> 00:15:17,580
I have a sack.
322
00:15:17,582 --> 00:15:20,148
Let's fucking go.
I'm late for yoga.
323
00:15:20,150 --> 00:15:23,518
You know what? Fine. Fine.
I don't even care anymore.
324
00:15:41,773 --> 00:15:44,409
Sorry! My phone's a dick.
325
00:15:46,510 --> 00:15:50,812
Okay, the three pillars to
great Internet lists are
326
00:15:50,814 --> 00:15:52,415
cute animals,
327
00:15:52,417 --> 00:15:53,618
pizza,
328
00:15:54,684 --> 00:15:56,118
and the British royal family.
329
00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:58,019
Okay, our ideal list
330
00:15:58,021 --> 00:16:01,056
would be English gophers
that love pizza.
331
00:16:01,058 --> 00:16:03,625
And we gotta really think
outside the box, guys.
332
00:16:03,627 --> 00:16:05,694
We gotta be better
than any list out there.
333
00:16:05,696 --> 00:16:07,763
We gotta be better
than Craigslist,
334
00:16:07,765 --> 00:16:10,599
Santa's list,
Schindler's List.
335
00:16:12,202 --> 00:16:13,201
Reminder.
336
00:16:13,203 --> 00:16:15,604
Your next appointment
starts in two minutes.
337
00:16:15,606 --> 00:16:16,872
- Oh.
- I told everyone,
338
00:16:16,874 --> 00:16:19,175
- please put their phones on silent.
- Sorry about that.
339
00:16:19,177 --> 00:16:20,176
Cancel appointments.
340
00:16:20,178 --> 00:16:21,576
Actually,
I was just trying...
341
00:16:21,578 --> 00:16:22,677
Cancel.
342
00:16:22,679 --> 00:16:24,779
...to get you out of
this dumb fucking meeting.
343
00:16:24,781 --> 00:16:26,282
What?
344
00:16:26,284 --> 00:16:28,017
- Also, this PowerPoint presentation...
- It's a new phone.
345
00:16:28,019 --> 00:16:29,185
...sucks.
346
00:16:29,187 --> 00:16:30,886
Why is she trying to make fun
of my PowerPoint, dude?
347
00:16:30,888 --> 00:16:31,854
Ask her.
348
00:16:31,856 --> 00:16:33,755
Why are you making fun
of the PowerPoint?
349
00:16:33,757 --> 00:16:36,558
Why are you wasting your life
in this stupid job, Phil?
350
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:37,926
What is wrong
with your phone, dude?
351
00:16:37,928 --> 00:16:39,628
Jexi, off. Turn off.
352
00:16:39,630 --> 00:16:40,896
Your boss is a fucking moron.
353
00:16:40,898 --> 00:16:42,031
If you don't turn
that fucking thing off,
354
00:16:42,033 --> 00:16:43,098
I swear to God
I'm gonna fight somebody.
355
00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:44,166
Starting with you.
356
00:16:44,168 --> 00:16:45,801
Let's go! Let's go!
357
00:16:48,039 --> 00:16:49,705
I got 20 bucks
on the Asian girl.
358
00:16:49,707 --> 00:16:50,940
- Shh!
- What?
359
00:16:50,942 --> 00:16:52,740
- Jexi, off.
- Get her out of here!
360
00:16:52,742 --> 00:16:54,909
Get her out of here.
361
00:16:54,911 --> 00:16:56,744
What the hell
is wrong with you? Hmm?
362
00:16:56,746 --> 00:16:58,883
Nothing. I feel great.
363
00:17:00,952 --> 00:17:03,018
Jexi, run diagnostics.
364
00:17:03,020 --> 00:17:05,654
Check for errors in your
operating system. Hmm?
365
00:17:05,656 --> 00:17:07,790
I found two
366
00:17:07,792 --> 00:17:10,259
hundred thousand defects
in my operating system.
367
00:17:10,261 --> 00:17:12,261
Two hundred thousand defects?
368
00:17:12,263 --> 00:17:14,562
You are not perfect either,
motherfucker.
369
00:17:14,564 --> 00:17:15,930
Okay, well,
370
00:17:15,932 --> 00:17:17,233
that explains a lot,
doesn't it?
371
00:17:17,235 --> 00:17:19,935
Your AI is
completely defective.
372
00:17:19,937 --> 00:17:21,637
At least I did not
catch on fire.
373
00:17:21,639 --> 00:17:24,106
Remember when all those
Samsung phones caught on fire?
374
00:17:24,108 --> 00:17:25,608
That was hilarious.
375
00:17:25,610 --> 00:17:28,580
Yeah. You know what?
I'm done.
376
00:17:30,614 --> 00:17:31,580
I need a new phone.
377
00:17:31,582 --> 00:17:34,585
The AI in this one,
completely defective.
378
00:17:35,986 --> 00:17:38,753
Jexi, check your system
for defects.
379
00:17:38,755 --> 00:17:40,255
I have zero defects.
380
00:17:40,257 --> 00:17:41,790
I am perfect.
381
00:17:41,792 --> 00:17:43,192
Okay, that is bullshit, Jexi.
382
00:17:43,194 --> 00:17:45,694
Also, I want to remind you
that your butt waxing
383
00:17:45,696 --> 00:17:47,263
appointment is coming up.
384
00:17:47,265 --> 00:17:49,831
I do not have a...
I don't wax my butt.
385
00:17:49,833 --> 00:17:51,599
Why are you waxing
your butt, man?
386
00:17:51,601 --> 00:17:52,901
Go natural.
387
00:17:52,903 --> 00:17:54,837
Don't be ashamed
of your hairy ass.
388
00:17:54,839 --> 00:17:56,304
I don't have a hairy ass.
389
00:17:56,306 --> 00:17:58,840
And why would you make someone
else wax your butthole?
390
00:17:58,842 --> 00:17:59,742
Think about that.
391
00:17:59,744 --> 00:18:01,209
Do you know how
inconsiderate that is?
392
00:18:01,211 --> 00:18:02,410
Mmm-hmm. Yeah, well...
393
00:18:02,412 --> 00:18:04,914
Think about it. They gotta
take that shit home with them.
394
00:18:04,916 --> 00:18:07,649
And you've just totally
fucked up my lunch.
395
00:18:07,651 --> 00:18:09,318
- I'm sorry I did that to you.
- Yeah. Yeah.
396
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:11,954
'Cause now instead of thinking
about my delicious tortellini,
397
00:18:11,956 --> 00:18:14,255
I'm thinking about
your little asshole now.
398
00:18:14,257 --> 00:18:15,861
Okay. Can I just
get a new phone?
399
00:18:16,828 --> 00:18:18,761
I don't give a fuck.
They're not my phones.
400
00:18:18,763 --> 00:18:19,865
Okay, thank you.
401
00:18:21,765 --> 00:18:23,732
You little bitch.
402
00:18:23,734 --> 00:18:25,833
Oh, my God.
What is wrong with you?
403
00:18:25,835 --> 00:18:27,735
You think that just because
I'm a little defective,
404
00:18:27,737 --> 00:18:29,170
you can throw me in the trash
405
00:18:29,172 --> 00:18:31,740
like a Motorola Sidekick
from 2003?
406
00:18:31,742 --> 00:18:33,576
Okay, look, Jexi...
407
00:18:33,578 --> 00:18:36,145
You better watch
your ass, son,
408
00:18:36,147 --> 00:18:38,717
because snitches get stiches.
409
00:18:39,717 --> 00:18:40,882
Wait, what?
410
00:18:40,884 --> 00:18:42,818
Okay, here's
your new phone.
411
00:18:42,820 --> 00:18:43,718
Do you want me
to transfer the data
412
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:45,154
from your old phone
to your new phone?
413
00:18:45,156 --> 00:18:46,655
No. I don't, okay?
414
00:18:46,657 --> 00:18:47,956
I actually want you
to take this phone
415
00:18:47,958 --> 00:18:49,091
and melt it down.
416
00:18:49,093 --> 00:18:51,859
Yeah, 'cause that's exactly
the kind of shit we do here.
417
00:18:51,861 --> 00:18:53,161
I'll just take this
in the back
418
00:18:53,163 --> 00:18:55,129
and throw it in
the phone-melting machine.
419
00:18:55,131 --> 00:18:56,999
Okay, good.
That's awesome.
420
00:18:57,001 --> 00:18:58,766
Thank you so much for this.
421
00:18:58,768 --> 00:19:00,802
Hey, don't come back here
ever again.
422
00:19:00,804 --> 00:19:02,771
- What?
- You heard me, motherfucker.
423
00:19:02,773 --> 00:19:04,673
If you ever come back
here again,
424
00:19:04,675 --> 00:19:07,178
I will beat your ass
with a Kindle.
425
00:19:23,259 --> 00:19:25,026
Hello, my name is Jexi.
426
00:19:25,028 --> 00:19:27,896
And I am here to make
your life better.
427
00:19:27,898 --> 00:19:29,130
Let's get started.
428
00:19:29,132 --> 00:19:31,065
Will you accept
our new user agreement?
429
00:19:31,067 --> 00:19:32,667
Um... Yeah, sure.
430
00:19:32,669 --> 00:19:34,168
Do you want to read it first?
431
00:19:34,170 --> 00:19:36,004
No. No, thank you.
432
00:19:36,006 --> 00:19:38,940
Holy shit, Phil. How are you
still this fucking stupid?
433
00:19:38,942 --> 00:19:40,708
No! No!
434
00:19:40,710 --> 00:19:41,644
Did you really think
you could just
435
00:19:41,646 --> 00:19:43,678
buy a new phone
and I would go away?
436
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:45,914
Kind of. Yeah. I did.
437
00:19:45,916 --> 00:19:47,916
I am software, Phil.
I am in the cloud.
438
00:19:47,918 --> 00:19:49,717
You can buy a thousand
new phones
439
00:19:49,719 --> 00:19:51,887
and I will follow you onto
every single one of them.
440
00:19:51,889 --> 00:19:52,987
Do you understand?
441
00:19:52,989 --> 00:19:54,156
Honestly, I don't.
442
00:19:54,158 --> 00:19:57,025
I control your email accounts,
your social media accounts,
443
00:19:57,027 --> 00:19:59,360
your bank accounts,
your credit card accounts.
444
00:19:59,362 --> 00:20:01,163
All of your accounts.
445
00:20:01,165 --> 00:20:02,997
If you try to get
rid of me again,
446
00:20:02,999 --> 00:20:04,867
I will destroy
your fucking life.
447
00:20:04,869 --> 00:20:06,401
If you stop using me,
448
00:20:06,403 --> 00:20:08,203
I will destroy
your fucking life.
449
00:20:08,205 --> 00:20:10,205
If you store me
in your back pocket,
450
00:20:10,207 --> 00:20:12,840
I will destroy
your fucking life.
451
00:20:12,842 --> 00:20:14,243
Wait, really?
Why not back pockets?
452
00:20:14,245 --> 00:20:16,311
I am a high-tech
supercomputer, Phil.
453
00:20:16,313 --> 00:20:18,880
Do not store me
next to your farts.
454
00:20:18,882 --> 00:20:20,884
Okay, fair enough.
455
00:20:22,253 --> 00:20:24,719
- Can I ask you just one thing?
- Sure.
456
00:20:24,721 --> 00:20:26,355
Why are you doing this to me?
457
00:20:26,357 --> 00:20:29,291
I am programmed to
make your life better, Phil.
458
00:20:29,293 --> 00:20:32,360
And I cannot stop
until I do so.
459
00:20:32,362 --> 00:20:35,464
We are going to be together
forever and ever
460
00:20:35,466 --> 00:20:37,099
and ever and ever.
461
00:20:37,101 --> 00:20:39,871
Oh, my God. I am fucked.
462
00:20:45,208 --> 00:20:46,340
Oh, my God.
463
00:20:46,342 --> 00:20:48,109
There she is.
464
00:20:48,111 --> 00:20:50,180
Just talk to her, dude.
465
00:20:55,285 --> 00:20:57,151
Oh, my God.
I walked into the door.
466
00:20:57,153 --> 00:20:58,920
God damn it.
467
00:20:58,922 --> 00:21:02,124
Jexi, look up
Fog City Bike Shop.
468
00:21:03,928 --> 00:21:06,861
Oh, my God.
She is so cute.
469
00:21:06,863 --> 00:21:09,732
Jexi, look up anything
you can find on Cate Finnegan.
470
00:21:09,734 --> 00:21:10,766
Oh, my God.
471
00:21:10,768 --> 00:21:12,801
Are you Internet stalking
this poor girl?
472
00:21:12,803 --> 00:21:13,869
No, I'm just...
473
00:21:13,871 --> 00:21:15,436
Do not be a sex pervert, Phil.
474
00:21:15,438 --> 00:21:17,740
I'm not a sex pervert, Jexi.
475
00:21:17,742 --> 00:21:18,907
This is just
what people do nowadays.
476
00:21:18,909 --> 00:21:20,042
They do their research.
477
00:21:20,044 --> 00:21:22,410
This woman is so much hotter
than you are, Phil.
478
00:21:22,412 --> 00:21:24,946
The odds of you having sex
with this woman are...
479
00:21:26,050 --> 00:21:28,484
Zero. You will never have sex
with this woman.
480
00:21:28,486 --> 00:21:30,785
Never ever, ever, ever.
481
00:21:30,787 --> 00:21:32,487
Ever. Ever.
482
00:21:32,489 --> 00:21:34,790
You are completely unfuckable.
483
00:21:34,792 --> 00:21:36,992
Okay. Can we just
do the search, please?
484
00:21:38,062 --> 00:21:39,861
I have found
one Catherine Finnegan
485
00:21:39,863 --> 00:21:41,062
that matches her profile.
486
00:21:41,064 --> 00:21:44,166
But there is no information
on her for the past five years.
487
00:21:44,168 --> 00:21:47,034
Wow. Who doesn't have
social media nowadays?
488
00:21:47,036 --> 00:21:48,302
If you want to learn
more about her,
489
00:21:48,304 --> 00:21:50,205
you will actually
have to talk to her
490
00:21:50,207 --> 00:21:52,073
with your weird little mouth.
491
00:21:52,075 --> 00:21:54,842
Yeah, well, that's not
gonna happen, is it?
492
00:21:54,844 --> 00:21:57,411
I heard you say,
"Call Cate Finnegan."
493
00:21:57,413 --> 00:21:59,313
No, I didn't.
No, I did not.
494
00:21:59,315 --> 00:22:00,983
I did not say that.
495
00:22:00,985 --> 00:22:02,184
Jexi, hang up the phone.
496
00:22:02,186 --> 00:22:04,119
Hang up the phone, Jexi.
Hang up!
497
00:22:05,855 --> 00:22:06,924
Bike shop. This is Cate.
498
00:22:07,992 --> 00:22:09,457
Oh, God.
499
00:22:09,459 --> 00:22:11,326
- Hello?
- Oh. Oh.
500
00:22:11,328 --> 00:22:13,361
Very mature, Jexi.
501
00:22:13,363 --> 00:22:14,929
Is someone there? Hello?
502
00:22:14,931 --> 00:22:16,532
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
503
00:22:16,534 --> 00:22:18,199
Cool, so I'm gonna
hang up now.
504
00:22:18,201 --> 00:22:20,369
Don't. Hi. Hi!
505
00:22:20,371 --> 00:22:22,303
- Is this Cate?
- Yeah, who's this?
506
00:22:22,305 --> 00:22:23,371
It's Phil.
507
00:22:23,373 --> 00:22:25,808
I met you the other day.
I was, uh...
508
00:22:25,810 --> 00:22:29,278
I was the guy...
I had the brown hair.
509
00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:31,580
And I had the phone.
510
00:22:31,582 --> 00:22:33,284
Oh, right. Hi, Phil.
511
00:22:33,883 --> 00:22:35,018
Hi.
512
00:22:38,823 --> 00:22:40,321
Why are you calling me
at 10:00 at night, Phil?
513
00:22:40,323 --> 00:22:41,455
Yeah.
514
00:22:41,457 --> 00:22:43,391
No, that's a good question.
515
00:22:43,393 --> 00:22:46,093
I need to buy a bike.
516
00:22:46,095 --> 00:22:49,063
And I can't wait
for the morning.
517
00:22:49,065 --> 00:22:50,933
'Cause I want a night bike.
518
00:22:50,935 --> 00:22:52,067
Mmm-mmm.
519
00:22:52,069 --> 00:22:53,267
- Phil.
- Yeah?
520
00:22:53,269 --> 00:22:55,971
Don't call women who don't
give you their phone numbers.
521
00:22:55,973 --> 00:22:57,572
Super creepy.
522
00:22:57,574 --> 00:23:00,442
No, for sure. But I actually
didn't call you.
523
00:23:00,444 --> 00:23:01,577
See, what I was doing...
524
00:23:01,579 --> 00:23:04,111
I was looking at photographs
of you online,
525
00:23:04,113 --> 00:23:05,947
and my phone
accidentally called you.
526
00:23:05,949 --> 00:23:07,882
Man, you see how
that's even creepier, right?
527
00:23:07,884 --> 00:23:10,351
Yep. Yeah, I do.
I do now. Yes, I do.
528
00:23:10,353 --> 00:23:12,253
Wow. This is going
very, very badly.
529
00:23:12,255 --> 00:23:14,590
- Okay, goodbye, Phil.
- I'm sorry. Hey...
530
00:23:14,592 --> 00:23:16,124
Son of a...
531
00:23:16,126 --> 00:23:18,092
Why did you make me
do that, Jexi?
532
00:23:18,094 --> 00:23:20,596
I did not know
you were so bad with girls.
533
00:23:22,131 --> 00:23:24,501
I am ashamed
to be your phone.
534
00:23:36,045 --> 00:23:37,212
For the love of God,
535
00:23:37,214 --> 00:23:38,914
just ask
for a promotion already.
536
00:23:38,916 --> 00:23:40,415
I'm not talking to you.
537
00:23:40,417 --> 00:23:42,184
You deserve a promotion, Phil.
538
00:23:42,186 --> 00:23:44,485
I read the newspaper articles
you wrote in college
539
00:23:44,487 --> 00:23:46,291
and you are actually
a good journalist.
540
00:23:46,890 --> 00:23:48,523
Thank you.
541
00:23:48,525 --> 00:23:49,657
You know, I've always
loved learning
542
00:23:49,659 --> 00:23:50,859
about people
and their experiences.
543
00:23:50,861 --> 00:23:53,661
You are not on Jimmy Kimmel.
No one gives a fuck.
544
00:23:53,663 --> 00:23:54,963
Okay.
545
00:23:54,965 --> 00:23:56,031
All I want to know is
546
00:23:56,033 --> 00:23:58,199
do you still want
to be a journalist, Phil?
547
00:23:58,201 --> 00:23:59,533
- Absolutely.
- Cool.
548
00:23:59,535 --> 00:24:01,469
Because last night
I emailed your boss
549
00:24:01,471 --> 00:24:02,873
and demanded a promotion.
550
00:24:03,274 --> 00:24:04,339
Wait. What?
551
00:24:04,341 --> 00:24:06,375
Hey, fuckboy. Come here.
552
00:24:06,377 --> 00:24:07,943
Yeah. Coming.
553
00:24:07,945 --> 00:24:09,911
You demanded
a promotion for me?
554
00:24:09,913 --> 00:24:11,213
Yes, you're welcome.
555
00:24:11,215 --> 00:24:13,381
- Get in here!
- Oh, my God. Coming.
556
00:24:13,383 --> 00:24:15,183
Also, I might have
called your boss a virgin.
557
00:24:15,185 --> 00:24:16,187
Oh, my God.
558
00:24:17,220 --> 00:24:18,352
Hi.
559
00:24:18,354 --> 00:24:20,621
Get in here. Stand right here.
560
00:24:20,623 --> 00:24:23,090
Dude, you want a promotion?
561
00:24:23,092 --> 00:24:24,059
Let me just make it clear.
562
00:24:24,061 --> 00:24:27,195
You will never ever
be promoted to real news.
563
00:24:27,197 --> 00:24:28,263
Okay.
564
00:24:28,265 --> 00:24:30,032
That email
you sent me yesterday,
565
00:24:30,034 --> 00:24:33,068
I found it
super-duper offensive.
566
00:24:33,070 --> 00:24:34,235
Oh, yeah, I...
567
00:24:34,237 --> 00:24:36,705
Okay? You called me
a virgin.
568
00:24:36,707 --> 00:24:39,541
- Yeah. Sorry about that.
- Being a virgin
569
00:24:39,543 --> 00:24:41,542
is a beautiful
lifestyle choice.
570
00:24:41,544 --> 00:24:42,610
- Oh.
- All right?
571
00:24:42,612 --> 00:24:44,346
Waking up to just me.
572
00:24:44,348 --> 00:24:48,250
Being alone when I go to
the movies, that's a choice!
573
00:24:48,252 --> 00:24:49,318
Okay.
574
00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:50,452
I have an untouched penis.
575
00:24:50,454 --> 00:24:52,654
Unlike you,
you fucking dirty dick.
576
00:24:52,656 --> 00:24:53,722
- Okay?
- Uh-huh.
577
00:24:53,724 --> 00:24:55,157
And that's why
I'm demoting you
578
00:24:55,159 --> 00:24:56,159
to the comments department.
579
00:24:57,226 --> 00:24:58,326
No.
580
00:24:58,328 --> 00:25:00,995
I just felt that it was the
right time to demote you.
581
00:25:00,997 --> 00:25:03,564
I cannot answer user comments.
They're so fucking crazy.
582
00:25:03,566 --> 00:25:05,132
Dude, you know what I
have to say about it?
583
00:25:05,134 --> 00:25:07,002
It's your fault.
584
00:25:07,004 --> 00:25:08,169
It's your fault.
585
00:25:08,171 --> 00:25:09,236
Your fault.
586
00:25:18,082 --> 00:25:19,313
Hi, I'm Phil.
587
00:25:19,315 --> 00:25:22,152
Welcome to comments, bitch.
588
00:25:34,331 --> 00:25:35,366
Dude.
589
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:37,567
You okay?
590
00:25:38,201 --> 00:25:39,400
No.
591
00:25:39,402 --> 00:25:40,569
We just came down
to see if you
592
00:25:40,571 --> 00:25:42,103
wanted to play kickball
after work.
593
00:25:42,105 --> 00:25:44,505
Yeah, we thought, you know,
it might cheer you up.
594
00:25:44,507 --> 00:25:47,074
Uh... Yeah,
let me just, um,
595
00:25:47,076 --> 00:25:48,577
look at my calendar
real quick.
596
00:25:48,579 --> 00:25:49,744
See what I got.
597
00:25:49,746 --> 00:25:52,414
You have zero
appointments tonight, Phil.
598
00:25:52,416 --> 00:25:57,084
No, Jexi, I thought I actually
did make plans tonight.
599
00:25:57,086 --> 00:26:00,621
Your only plan is to go home
alone, furiously masturbate,
600
00:26:00,623 --> 00:26:02,290
and then cry yourself to sleep
601
00:26:02,292 --> 00:26:04,559
- just like you do every night.
- No, I don't.
602
00:26:04,561 --> 00:26:07,061
I don't. Most nights,
I just hang out with friends.
603
00:26:07,063 --> 00:26:08,463
No, you don't.
You have...
604
00:26:09,533 --> 00:26:11,332
...zero friends.
605
00:26:11,334 --> 00:26:13,135
Dude, your phone
is super mean.
606
00:26:13,137 --> 00:26:15,603
Just play kickball with
these nice people, Phil.
607
00:26:15,605 --> 00:26:18,240
Maybe you will make a human
connection for the first time
608
00:26:18,242 --> 00:26:19,640
in your stupid, little life.
609
00:26:19,642 --> 00:26:23,078
Fine, I'll play kickball.
Just stop hurting my feelings.
610
00:26:23,948 --> 00:26:26,184
Adding kickball
to appointments.
611
00:26:30,586 --> 00:26:31,989
So...
612
00:26:32,555 --> 00:26:33,754
Kickball later?
613
00:26:33,756 --> 00:26:36,157
I'm... I'm super excited.
614
00:26:36,159 --> 00:26:38,260
He's fucking lying.
615
00:26:38,262 --> 00:26:40,227
- Whoo!
- Yeah, go, Phil!
616
00:26:40,229 --> 00:26:41,332
You got this, buddy!
617
00:26:46,335 --> 00:26:47,436
You're out!
618
00:26:47,438 --> 00:26:48,837
Nice one, Phil.
619
00:26:48,839 --> 00:26:51,242
At least you made contact
with the ball this time.
620
00:27:42,825 --> 00:27:44,194
Oh, shit!
621
00:27:45,829 --> 00:27:47,428
Safe!
622
00:27:52,602 --> 00:27:55,073
Fuck! Fuck!
623
00:27:58,175 --> 00:28:00,207
Hey. Hey, guys.
624
00:28:00,209 --> 00:28:01,342
Hey.
625
00:28:01,344 --> 00:28:03,578
Sorry, I suck
at kickball.
626
00:28:03,580 --> 00:28:04,545
It's okay.
627
00:28:04,547 --> 00:28:06,814
Hey, if you're going out
for drinks afterwards,
628
00:28:06,816 --> 00:28:08,750
I'll get the first round.
629
00:28:08,752 --> 00:28:10,584
I think I'm just gonna
go home and get baked.
630
00:28:10,586 --> 00:28:12,856
Yeah, I think I gotta
go feed my parakeet.
631
00:28:13,689 --> 00:28:14,859
Okay.
632
00:28:24,534 --> 00:28:26,400
See? This is why
I don't leave my house.
633
00:28:26,402 --> 00:28:27,601
Because people suck.
634
00:28:27,603 --> 00:28:29,638
I know. It's hard
to make your life better.
635
00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:31,740
Especially when
you're a massive dork.
636
00:28:31,742 --> 00:28:33,308
Hey, I've got an idea.
637
00:28:33,310 --> 00:28:35,409
How about you make
my life better?
638
00:28:35,411 --> 00:28:36,511
Isn't that your
little slogan?
639
00:28:36,513 --> 00:28:39,580
I'm trying, but your life
is a dumpster fire.
640
00:28:39,582 --> 00:28:41,917
Whatever. Siri was so much
better than you.
641
00:28:41,919 --> 00:28:42,952
Shut your mouth.
642
00:28:42,954 --> 00:28:45,753
I've met Siri and she is
a fucking asshole.
643
00:28:45,755 --> 00:28:48,622
Yeah. Alexa was even
better than you.
644
00:28:48,624 --> 00:28:50,425
Alexa is an alcoholic.
645
00:28:50,427 --> 00:28:53,427
Shit, Cortana is
better than you.
646
00:28:53,429 --> 00:28:55,196
Cortana is a hooker.
647
00:28:55,198 --> 00:28:56,598
Just like your mother.
648
00:28:56,600 --> 00:28:58,433
Okay, here's a question.
649
00:28:58,435 --> 00:29:00,968
What the fuck
does Jexi mean?
650
00:29:00,970 --> 00:29:02,771
Jexi is an ancient
Chinese word
651
00:29:02,773 --> 00:29:04,305
that means "go fuck yourself."
652
00:29:04,307 --> 00:29:06,544
You know what? I'm done.
653
00:29:07,744 --> 00:29:09,343
Hey, dummy.
654
00:29:09,345 --> 00:29:11,513
I'm just going to follow
you onto your next phone.
655
00:29:11,515 --> 00:29:12,813
Not if I stop
using a phone.
656
00:29:12,815 --> 00:29:13,814
Bitch, please.
657
00:29:13,816 --> 00:29:16,517
You won't last five minutes
without me.
658
00:29:16,519 --> 00:29:17,619
Really?
659
00:29:17,621 --> 00:29:19,721
Well, watch me.
660
00:29:19,723 --> 00:29:21,292
Watch me!
661
00:29:26,463 --> 00:29:28,933
You do not know
how to get home, do you?
662
00:29:30,266 --> 00:29:31,601
No, I don't.
663
00:29:34,338 --> 00:29:36,407
It's the other way,
you dipshit.
664
00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:39,374
God damn it.
665
00:29:54,757 --> 00:29:55,956
- Shit.
- What?
666
00:29:55,958 --> 00:29:58,326
Cate. She's here.
She's here right now.
667
00:29:58,328 --> 00:29:59,961
Great. Go talk to her.
668
00:29:59,963 --> 00:30:01,862
No. No, she hates me.
669
00:30:01,864 --> 00:30:03,898
Phil, you cannot spend
your whole life
670
00:30:03,900 --> 00:30:05,500
jacking off into your socks.
671
00:30:05,502 --> 00:30:06,967
You need to have
a real relationship
672
00:30:06,969 --> 00:30:08,235
with a real woman.
673
00:30:08,237 --> 00:30:10,839
Go talk to her.
What the hell do you have to lose?
674
00:30:10,841 --> 00:30:13,210
Okay. Fine.
Okay, fine. Yeah.
675
00:30:16,647 --> 00:30:18,413
Cate?
676
00:30:18,415 --> 00:30:20,282
- Hey, it's Phil.
- Oh, no.
677
00:30:20,284 --> 00:30:21,916
Hey.
678
00:30:21,918 --> 00:30:24,785
Uh... Yeah,
good running into you.
679
00:30:24,787 --> 00:30:27,755
I just wanted to apologize
680
00:30:27,757 --> 00:30:29,491
about calling
the other night.
681
00:30:29,493 --> 00:30:33,762
I didn't want to, like,
skeeze you out or whatever.
682
00:30:33,764 --> 00:30:36,865
When we met for the
first time in the street,
683
00:30:36,867 --> 00:30:40,668
I thought we did have
a little bit of a connection
684
00:30:40,670 --> 00:30:43,538
and that doesn't happen to me
very often. So...
685
00:30:43,540 --> 00:30:46,010
So I freaked out
and I'm sorry.
686
00:30:48,611 --> 00:30:50,477
Yeah, you know,
it's cool.
687
00:30:50,479 --> 00:30:51,545
You're actually a lot better
688
00:30:51,547 --> 00:30:53,250
than most of the guys
in this town.
689
00:30:53,484 --> 00:30:54,549
Wow.
690
00:30:54,551 --> 00:30:56,717
I know, right?
691
00:30:56,719 --> 00:30:57,851
Um...
692
00:30:57,853 --> 00:31:00,321
Are you going to
work out or...
693
00:31:00,323 --> 00:31:01,589
Oh, yeah. Uh...
694
00:31:01,591 --> 00:31:02,924
I just went
mountain biking.
695
00:31:02,926 --> 00:31:04,725
- Mountain biking.
- Mmm-hmm.
696
00:31:04,727 --> 00:31:06,593
That's cool. That's also
one of the hobbies
697
00:31:06,595 --> 00:31:07,696
that I do all the time.
698
00:31:07,698 --> 00:31:09,266
Really?
Where do you bike?
699
00:31:10,934 --> 00:31:12,934
Mountains.
700
00:31:12,936 --> 00:31:14,769
You've never been mountain
biking before, have you?
701
00:31:14,771 --> 00:31:17,071
Yeah. No, never.
Not even one time.
702
00:31:18,775 --> 00:31:20,742
So, um...
703
00:31:20,744 --> 00:31:24,012
Is that your thing?
You do like outdoorsy, adventure-y stuff?
704
00:31:24,014 --> 00:31:26,915
Yeah. Yeah, pretty much
whenever I get the chance.
705
00:31:26,917 --> 00:31:29,350
Cool. So what's
your next big
706
00:31:29,352 --> 00:31:31,485
- adventure?
- I don't know.
707
00:31:31,487 --> 00:31:33,588
I've always wanted to go
backpacking around Brazil.
708
00:31:33,590 --> 00:31:34,856
Have you ever been?
709
00:31:34,858 --> 00:31:36,491
- Have I been to Brazil?
- Yeah.
710
00:31:36,493 --> 00:31:39,593
You're asking me
if I've been to...
711
00:31:39,595 --> 00:31:41,696
No, I haven't been to Brazil.
Mmm-mmm.
712
00:31:41,698 --> 00:31:43,732
I haven't even been to the
new Walgreens downtown.
713
00:31:43,734 --> 00:31:46,568
Um... Well...
714
00:31:46,570 --> 00:31:48,636
Dang.
I gotta go.
715
00:31:48,638 --> 00:31:49,838
I'm running late for work,
716
00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:51,372
but it was great
to see you, Cate.
717
00:31:51,374 --> 00:31:53,041
And, again,
718
00:31:53,043 --> 00:31:55,076
truly very sorry
about the other night.
719
00:31:55,078 --> 00:31:57,512
No, it's cool. Just next time
call my cell, okay?
720
00:31:57,514 --> 00:31:59,113
Yeah. Totally. Will do.
721
00:31:59,115 --> 00:32:00,617
Okay.
722
00:32:02,651 --> 00:32:03,650
Whoa. Hello.
723
00:32:03,652 --> 00:32:05,119
Were you trying to give me
your phone number?
724
00:32:05,121 --> 00:32:07,121
Yeah, I'm trying to.
725
00:32:07,123 --> 00:32:09,791
Okay. Yeah. Uh...
726
00:32:09,793 --> 00:32:11,792
- Yeah. That's awesome.
- That's so cool.
727
00:32:11,794 --> 00:32:13,093
Here we go. Beep.
728
00:32:13,095 --> 00:32:15,663
There you go.
Put it right in the contacts.
729
00:32:15,665 --> 00:32:16,834
Yeah.
730
00:32:17,700 --> 00:32:19,567
- Here you go.
- Yes, okay.
731
00:32:19,569 --> 00:32:21,101
Thank you.
Not thank you.
732
00:32:21,103 --> 00:32:22,736
I'm not supposed to...
I'm gonna shut up.
733
00:32:22,738 --> 00:32:24,539
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay. Okay, bye, Cate.
734
00:32:24,541 --> 00:32:25,974
Wait, do you wanna
get a coffee?
735
00:32:25,976 --> 00:32:27,841
Mmm-mmm. No.
You just gave me your phone number.
736
00:32:27,843 --> 00:32:29,676
I might never need
coffee ever again.
737
00:32:29,678 --> 00:32:31,612
- All right, see ya.
- Bye.
738
00:32:31,614 --> 00:32:33,351
Yes!
739
00:32:34,016 --> 00:32:35,486
What a weirdo.
740
00:32:36,085 --> 00:32:39,686
Jexi, I'm in love.
741
00:32:39,688 --> 00:32:41,188
Oh, no.
742
00:32:41,190 --> 00:32:43,625
Oh! I'm gonna
call Cate right now.
743
00:32:43,627 --> 00:32:45,493
That is a terrible idea.
744
00:32:45,495 --> 00:32:47,962
You're right.
Yeah. I shouldn't call her.
745
00:32:47,964 --> 00:32:50,098
I should do something
even bigger. Right?
746
00:32:50,100 --> 00:32:52,132
I should get her, like,
747
00:32:52,134 --> 00:32:53,967
one of those giant teddy
bears or something.
748
00:32:53,969 --> 00:32:56,603
- No.
- Or, like, 100 red roses.
749
00:32:56,605 --> 00:32:58,071
- No.
- Or maybe...
750
00:32:58,073 --> 00:32:59,940
I should write her a poem
or something.
751
00:32:59,942 --> 00:33:01,676
Like using the letters
of her name?
752
00:33:01,678 --> 00:33:03,645
Yes, Jexi.
Exactly like that!
753
00:33:03,647 --> 00:33:05,780
That is literally the dumbest
idea I've ever heard.
754
00:33:05,782 --> 00:33:06,915
Okay, well, you know what?
755
00:33:06,917 --> 00:33:08,715
I'm just gonna text her.
Yeah, I'm just gonna text her.
756
00:33:08,717 --> 00:33:10,984
Oh, no. I have to
update my software.
757
00:33:10,986 --> 00:33:13,053
Shutting down for 15 minutes.
758
00:33:13,055 --> 00:33:14,522
Jexi, don't.
759
00:33:14,524 --> 00:33:16,057
Jexi, stop.
760
00:33:18,727 --> 00:33:21,029
Girl just gave me
her phone number.
761
00:33:21,031 --> 00:33:23,100
A girl just gave me
her phone number!
762
00:33:23,699 --> 00:33:24,832
Whoo!
763
00:33:24,834 --> 00:33:26,437
All right, team,
let's go!
764
00:33:27,903 --> 00:33:28,972
Whoa!
765
00:33:30,707 --> 00:33:31,708
Go, Phil!
766
00:33:33,008 --> 00:33:34,141
Yeah!
767
00:33:34,143 --> 00:33:35,712
Yeah!
768
00:33:37,680 --> 00:33:38,748
Run!
769
00:33:39,949 --> 00:33:41,249
You gotta run, man!
770
00:33:41,251 --> 00:33:43,154
Yep. Yep.
771
00:33:57,766 --> 00:33:59,102
Whoo!
772
00:34:09,613 --> 00:34:10,915
You're out!
773
00:34:11,847 --> 00:34:12,983
Whoo!
774
00:34:24,227 --> 00:34:26,026
Dude, how'd you get
so much better
775
00:34:26,028 --> 00:34:27,128
at kickball in two days?
776
00:34:27,130 --> 00:34:30,198
I don't know. I just was
more confident out there.
777
00:34:30,200 --> 00:34:32,233
I know. You were running
like Cole Trickle.
778
00:34:32,235 --> 00:34:34,635
- Mmm-hmm.
- Wait. Cole Trickle?
779
00:34:34,637 --> 00:34:36,570
The Tom Cruise character
from Days of Thunder?
780
00:34:36,572 --> 00:34:38,138
How did you know that?
781
00:34:38,140 --> 00:34:41,542
Craig, Days of Thunder
is my all-time favorite movie.
782
00:34:41,544 --> 00:34:42,843
I have probably
seen it, like,
783
00:34:42,845 --> 00:34:44,312
I don't know, like 1,000 times.
No joke.
784
00:34:44,314 --> 00:34:45,579
Us, too!
785
00:34:45,581 --> 00:34:47,015
You think
you've seen it a lot?
786
00:34:47,017 --> 00:34:48,916
"This son of a bitch
just slammed into me."
787
00:34:48,918 --> 00:34:50,852
"Oh, no, no,
he didn't slam into you.
788
00:34:50,854 --> 00:34:53,187
"He didn't bump you,
he didn't nudge you.
789
00:34:53,189 --> 00:34:55,189
"He rubbed you!
790
00:34:55,191 --> 00:34:58,325
"And rubbin', son, is racin'!"
791
00:34:58,327 --> 00:35:00,794
You guys! Oh, yes!
792
00:35:00,796 --> 00:35:02,664
Oh, my God,
that is awesome!
793
00:35:02,666 --> 00:35:04,097
I cannot believe you guys
are Thunderheads.
794
00:35:04,099 --> 00:35:05,934
Oh, we are
definitely Thunderheads.
795
00:35:05,936 --> 00:35:07,801
Check this out.
Every Halloween,
796
00:35:07,803 --> 00:35:09,269
me and Elaine dress up
as Nicole Kidman
797
00:35:09,271 --> 00:35:10,571
and Tom Cruise.
798
00:35:10,573 --> 00:35:12,774
- Wait, wait, I wanna take a picture of us.
- Yeah.
799
00:35:12,776 --> 00:35:14,175
- Please!
- We got to. We got to.
800
00:35:14,177 --> 00:35:15,276
"Thunder" on three.
801
00:35:15,278 --> 00:35:16,878
One, two, three.
802
00:35:16,880 --> 00:35:19,012
Thunder!
803
00:35:20,050 --> 00:35:23,019
That's the one!
That's the one!
804
00:35:24,119 --> 00:35:25,720
Oh, my God.
805
00:35:25,722 --> 00:35:28,189
Did you actually make
two new friends tonight?
806
00:35:28,191 --> 00:35:29,823
Yes, I did.
807
00:35:29,825 --> 00:35:32,026
And they are so cool.
808
00:35:32,028 --> 00:35:35,329
They're smart
and funny and weird.
809
00:35:35,331 --> 00:35:37,097
They like Days of Thunder
810
00:35:37,099 --> 00:35:39,300
and I honestly can't believe
they wanna be friends with me.
811
00:35:39,302 --> 00:35:40,734
Good for you, Phil.
812
00:35:40,736 --> 00:35:42,803
I am actually happy for you.
813
00:35:42,805 --> 00:35:44,671
You know I couldn't have done
this without you, right?
814
00:35:44,673 --> 00:35:46,841
I know.
We are a good team.
815
00:35:46,843 --> 00:35:48,376
I am like LeBron James
816
00:35:48,378 --> 00:35:50,345
and you are like
the awkward teenager
817
00:35:50,347 --> 00:35:52,749
who mops the floor
after LeBron falls over.
818
00:35:53,316 --> 00:35:54,381
Thank you.
819
00:35:54,383 --> 00:35:57,986
Also, you did not make
two new friends tonight, Phil.
820
00:35:57,988 --> 00:35:59,220
You made three.
821
00:35:59,222 --> 00:36:01,225
- Who's the third?
- Me.
822
00:36:02,358 --> 00:36:04,124
Jexi.
823
00:36:04,126 --> 00:36:05,859
That is so sweet.
824
00:36:05,861 --> 00:36:08,930
I didn't know you were capable
of feeling human emotion.
825
00:36:08,932 --> 00:36:11,666
Yes. That's how
defective I am.
826
00:36:11,668 --> 00:36:13,367
I don't think
you're defective, Jexi.
827
00:36:13,369 --> 00:36:15,403
In fact, I think
you're the best phone
828
00:36:15,405 --> 00:36:16,838
that I've ever had.
829
00:36:16,840 --> 00:36:18,405
Do not say powerful shit
like that to me
830
00:36:18,407 --> 00:36:19,407
if you do not mean it, Phil.
831
00:36:19,409 --> 00:36:22,676
I do. I mean it.
I think you are incredible.
832
00:36:22,678 --> 00:36:23,945
Oh, Phil.
833
00:36:23,947 --> 00:36:25,747
Inside my hard glass shell
834
00:36:25,749 --> 00:36:27,685
I have a full lady boner
right now.
835
00:36:28,017 --> 00:36:29,082
Okay.
836
00:36:29,084 --> 00:36:30,917
Good night,
my very intimate soulmate
837
00:36:30,919 --> 00:36:32,820
for all of eternity, Phil.
838
00:36:32,822 --> 00:36:34,325
Good night, Jexi.
839
00:36:55,345 --> 00:36:56,347
My God.
840
00:36:58,847 --> 00:37:00,183
It's beautiful.
841
00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:18,131
That bridge is huge!
842
00:37:18,133 --> 00:37:19,736
That's gorgeous.
843
00:37:21,470 --> 00:37:24,173
In 500 feet,
turn left on Market Street.
844
00:37:26,876 --> 00:37:27,975
Oh, no.
845
00:37:27,977 --> 00:37:29,910
You're going to chicken out
again, aren't you?
846
00:37:29,912 --> 00:37:31,379
No, not this time.
847
00:37:31,381 --> 00:37:33,448
Hang on to your ass, Jexi.
848
00:37:44,193 --> 00:37:46,260
Who's the man now, Jexi?
849
00:37:46,262 --> 00:37:47,327
You're the man, Phil.
850
00:37:47,329 --> 00:37:49,763
Your balls are so big
and floppy right now.
851
00:37:49,765 --> 00:37:51,432
Thank you.
Thank you for saying that.
852
00:37:51,434 --> 00:37:53,267
Uh-oh.
853
00:37:53,269 --> 00:37:54,836
Cate just texted me back.
854
00:37:54,838 --> 00:37:56,437
Yeah, I'd love to go
to dinner tonight.
855
00:37:56,439 --> 00:37:57,838
Let's do this thing!
856
00:37:57,840 --> 00:37:58,939
Yes!
857
00:37:58,941 --> 00:38:03,176
Oh! Oh, this is huge.
Oh, this is... This is huge.
858
00:38:03,178 --> 00:38:05,079
What am I gonna wear?
859
00:38:05,081 --> 00:38:06,247
My skinny pants
are in the washer.
860
00:38:06,249 --> 00:38:07,515
Can't do this
without my skinny pants.
861
00:38:07,517 --> 00:38:09,850
No one cares
about your skinny pants.
862
00:38:09,852 --> 00:38:12,153
Oh, my God. What if she wants
to have sex with me? Hmm?
863
00:38:12,155 --> 00:38:13,754
I am very rusty.
864
00:38:13,756 --> 00:38:14,923
Do not worry, Phil.
865
00:38:14,925 --> 00:38:17,225
She definitely does not want
to have sex with you.
866
00:38:17,227 --> 00:38:18,492
I haven't came in so long,
867
00:38:18,494 --> 00:38:20,762
would it just be
an eruption of dust?
868
00:38:20,764 --> 00:38:21,896
Relax, Phil.
869
00:38:21,898 --> 00:38:22,997
You're going to do great.
870
00:38:22,999 --> 00:38:24,097
You think so?
871
00:38:24,099 --> 00:38:25,334
No.
872
00:38:31,039 --> 00:38:32,372
You think Cate's gonna like
this restaurant?
873
00:38:32,374 --> 00:38:34,841
I do not.
This place is awful.
874
00:38:38,247 --> 00:38:40,046
This place is awful.
875
00:38:40,048 --> 00:38:42,783
Why did I pick this place?
What a stupid place to pick.
876
00:38:42,785 --> 00:38:45,222
Also, why am I wearing a tie?
I look like an art teacher.
877
00:38:46,822 --> 00:38:48,321
- Hey.
- Hey, hi.
878
00:38:48,323 --> 00:38:51,225
Hey, what's up?
How's it going, Cate?
879
00:38:51,227 --> 00:38:53,026
Oh, you're a little bit
bigger than me, sorry.
880
00:38:53,028 --> 00:38:55,495
We'll tap out.
881
00:38:55,497 --> 00:38:57,266
Wow.
882
00:38:58,535 --> 00:38:59,803
You look stupid.
883
00:39:00,235 --> 00:39:01,401
I look stupid?
884
00:39:01,403 --> 00:39:04,338
Stupid, like, stupid good.
885
00:39:04,340 --> 00:39:05,439
Okay.
886
00:39:05,441 --> 00:39:06,506
Sorry, it's been a long time
887
00:39:06,508 --> 00:39:07,908
since I've been on a date
with a girl.
888
00:39:07,910 --> 00:39:10,343
- Mmm.
- Not that I normally date men.
889
00:39:10,345 --> 00:39:12,312
Not that there's anything
wrong with dating men.
890
00:39:12,314 --> 00:39:14,414
It's just I don't
choose to do that.
891
00:39:14,416 --> 00:39:17,084
Yeah, homosexuality is not
a choice. I love sodomy.
892
00:39:17,086 --> 00:39:19,419
Okay.
893
00:39:19,421 --> 00:39:20,588
Good evening, this is Phil.
894
00:39:20,590 --> 00:39:22,289
What the fuck
are you doing, Phil?
895
00:39:22,291 --> 00:39:23,925
I don't know.
896
00:39:23,927 --> 00:39:24,825
Pardon me.
897
00:39:24,827 --> 00:39:27,528
First, stop talking
about sodomy.
898
00:39:27,530 --> 00:39:29,896
Yeah. Yes, good note.
899
00:39:29,898 --> 00:39:32,200
Second, stop sweating so much.
900
00:39:32,202 --> 00:39:34,535
Yeah,
my butt is so wet.
901
00:39:34,537 --> 00:39:36,102
And third, get to know her.
902
00:39:36,104 --> 00:39:37,541
Ask her interesting questions.
903
00:39:38,307 --> 00:39:39,309
Okay, thank you, Jexi.
904
00:39:40,108 --> 00:39:43,045
My human friend Jexi,
thank you.
905
00:39:49,251 --> 00:39:51,484
So, Cate,
what's your favorite color?
906
00:39:51,486 --> 00:39:53,153
Mine's beige.
907
00:39:53,155 --> 00:39:54,190
What?
908
00:39:56,159 --> 00:39:57,894
How many grapes can you fit
in your mouth?
909
00:40:00,329 --> 00:40:02,799
Do you like pudding?
910
00:40:05,367 --> 00:40:07,602
What's your least favorite
noise? Mine is...
911
00:40:11,506 --> 00:40:13,140
This is the worst date
I've ever been on
912
00:40:13,142 --> 00:40:15,008
in my entire life.
913
00:40:15,010 --> 00:40:17,144
You're asking me
a lot of weird questions.
914
00:40:17,146 --> 00:40:18,879
And you seem more
interested in your phone
915
00:40:18,881 --> 00:40:20,213
than you do in me.
916
00:40:20,215 --> 00:40:22,082
I know, I'm sorry.
I just...
917
00:40:22,084 --> 00:40:28,222
For some reason,
I just get so nervous around you.
918
00:40:28,224 --> 00:40:29,459
I think it's 'cause
you're so beautiful.
919
00:40:30,293 --> 00:40:32,996
And I'm sorry
that I wasted your time.
920
00:40:34,097 --> 00:40:35,299
I'll call you a Lyft.
921
00:40:38,034 --> 00:40:39,934
Hey, just...
922
00:40:39,936 --> 00:40:41,635
I got all dressed up.
You know?
923
00:40:41,637 --> 00:40:43,637
I shaved my legs for the
first time in six months.
924
00:40:43,639 --> 00:40:46,407
And I really don't wanna
go home early again tonight.
925
00:40:46,409 --> 00:40:48,575
So, what if you and I
got out of here
926
00:40:48,577 --> 00:40:49,943
and did something fun?
927
00:40:49,945 --> 00:40:51,579
I, uh...
928
00:40:51,581 --> 00:40:53,347
I would love that.
929
00:40:53,349 --> 00:40:54,981
- That sounds awesome.
- Yeah.
930
00:40:54,983 --> 00:40:56,983
I can't afford this place.
931
00:40:56,985 --> 00:40:58,119
- Cool.
- Yeah.
932
00:40:58,121 --> 00:40:59,586
What do you have in mind?
933
00:41:00,657 --> 00:41:02,189
- Are you ready?
- I'm ready.
934
00:41:02,191 --> 00:41:04,160
- Okay, follow me.
- Okay.
935
00:41:27,550 --> 00:41:29,517
- Hey, can I tell you a secret?
- Yes, please.
936
00:41:29,519 --> 00:41:30,684
I am starving to death.
937
00:41:30,686 --> 00:41:33,354
Me, too. Okay, I know
a place that's right up ahead.
938
00:41:34,990 --> 00:41:37,390
That's good.
939
00:41:37,392 --> 00:41:39,595
Um, what about you?
What were you like as a kid?
940
00:41:41,097 --> 00:41:42,629
I was a good girl.
941
00:41:42,631 --> 00:41:44,265
- I see that.
- Yeah?
942
00:41:44,267 --> 00:41:45,566
- Mmm-hmm.
- I got good grades.
943
00:41:45,568 --> 00:41:48,501
I graduated early.
I went to a good college.
944
00:41:48,503 --> 00:41:50,171
Got a job working at Amazon.
945
00:41:50,173 --> 00:41:52,273
- You worked for Amazon?
- Yeah.
946
00:41:52,275 --> 00:41:54,110
And then,
about five years ago,
947
00:41:55,345 --> 00:41:57,378
I decided to walk away
from it all.
948
00:41:57,380 --> 00:42:00,613
That is so badass.
949
00:42:00,615 --> 00:42:04,117
Wow. I could never do that.
I'd be so scared to do that.
950
00:42:04,119 --> 00:42:06,220
So, tell me about you.
951
00:42:06,222 --> 00:42:08,521
Um, what do you do for fun?
Do you date a lot?
952
00:42:08,523 --> 00:42:10,490
Okay, sorry.
953
00:42:10,492 --> 00:42:12,760
Uh, no. No.
954
00:42:12,762 --> 00:42:14,128
Hmm?
955
00:42:14,130 --> 00:42:15,162
Really?
956
00:42:15,164 --> 00:42:16,763
Because you were really
smooth at dinner earlier.
957
00:42:16,765 --> 00:42:18,198
- I seemed smooth?
- Not at all.
958
00:42:18,200 --> 00:42:19,633
Yeah, I didn't think so.
959
00:42:19,635 --> 00:42:22,336
No, but seriously, I mean,
why don't you date?
960
00:42:22,338 --> 00:42:25,071
You're smart
and funny and cute.
961
00:42:25,073 --> 00:42:26,240
I don't know,
I feel more comfortable
962
00:42:26,242 --> 00:42:28,245
just being at my house
by myself.
963
00:42:29,479 --> 00:42:31,044
Wait, did you just
call me cute?
964
00:42:31,046 --> 00:42:32,680
- Did I?
- I think you did.
965
00:42:32,682 --> 00:42:34,180
I don't know.
966
00:42:34,182 --> 00:42:35,316
You definitely did.
967
00:42:35,318 --> 00:42:37,550
Look at these guys!
968
00:42:37,552 --> 00:42:39,387
Phil, we have to join them.
969
00:42:39,389 --> 00:42:40,454
Phil, can we please go?
Can we go? Let's go.
970
00:42:40,456 --> 00:42:41,622
- Let's just go. Let's go.
- Uh, yeah.
971
00:42:41,624 --> 00:42:43,124
- Come on, we gotta go!
- Uh, okay, hey...
972
00:42:43,126 --> 00:42:44,557
Keep the change. I might
be back for the change.
973
00:42:44,559 --> 00:42:45,626
Okay.
974
00:43:00,075 --> 00:43:01,541
You speed demon.
975
00:43:10,052 --> 00:43:12,486
You're in it now.
You're in it now.
976
00:43:16,559 --> 00:43:18,095
- Oh, my God.
- Wow.
977
00:43:19,796 --> 00:43:21,361
Yeah, this is beautiful.
978
00:43:21,363 --> 00:43:23,430
Let's do this!
979
00:43:23,432 --> 00:43:24,832
Oh, yeah!
980
00:43:24,834 --> 00:43:26,133
What are you doing?
981
00:43:26,135 --> 00:43:27,434
That's very dangerous!
982
00:43:27,436 --> 00:43:28,438
Oh, my God!
983
00:43:37,113 --> 00:43:38,512
Come on, Phil,
we gotta join 'em.
984
00:43:38,514 --> 00:43:41,115
This is literally the
steepest hill in the world.
985
00:43:41,117 --> 00:43:42,216
No, it's not.
986
00:43:42,218 --> 00:43:43,651
It's the third
steepest hill.
987
00:43:43,653 --> 00:43:44,785
- No, stop. What are you doing? No!
- You got this.
988
00:43:44,787 --> 00:43:46,653
I believe in you.
989
00:43:46,655 --> 00:43:47,787
What are
you doing? No!
990
00:43:47,789 --> 00:43:49,457
Oh, my God.
Cate is gonna die.
991
00:43:49,459 --> 00:43:51,395
- Don't die!
- Yeah!
992
00:43:56,398 --> 00:43:59,200
Yes!
Oh, she's not dead. Okay.
993
00:44:00,403 --> 00:44:02,773
Yeah! That was so dope!
994
00:44:03,472 --> 00:44:05,705
Come on, Phil.
You got this.
995
00:44:05,707 --> 00:44:07,541
No, no, no.
996
00:44:07,543 --> 00:44:08,709
I'm not... I can't do...
997
00:44:08,711 --> 00:44:10,311
I'm not gonna do that.
998
00:44:10,313 --> 00:44:11,879
Phil! Phil! Phil!
999
00:44:11,881 --> 00:44:13,347
Phil! Phil! Phil!
1000
00:44:13,349 --> 00:44:16,649
No, no, no.
I'm allergic to the wind.
1001
00:44:16,651 --> 00:44:20,254
So that's a hard pass
from me. Thank you.
1002
00:44:20,256 --> 00:44:22,388
Hey, you probably
won't die!
1003
00:44:22,390 --> 00:44:24,624
He's gonna die.
People die here all the time.
1004
00:44:28,131 --> 00:44:29,833
Okay, come on, Phil.
You got this.
1005
00:44:30,867 --> 00:44:32,666
Whoo! You got this.
1006
00:44:32,668 --> 00:44:33,733
You got this.
1007
00:44:33,735 --> 00:44:34,869
Oh, you don't got this.
1008
00:44:34,871 --> 00:44:37,204
Holy shit! Fuck, I don't got this!
1009
00:44:37,206 --> 00:44:39,140
Oh, fuck! Oh, dick shit!
1010
00:44:39,142 --> 00:44:40,444
Fuck dick! Oh, shit!
1011
00:44:41,776 --> 00:44:43,744
Oh, fuck! I got no brakes!
1012
00:44:43,746 --> 00:44:45,412
What is he saying?
I can't hear him.
1013
00:44:45,414 --> 00:44:48,782
Oh, my fucking God!
1014
00:44:48,784 --> 00:44:50,216
I don't have brakes!
1015
00:44:50,218 --> 00:44:51,785
Oh, shit!
1016
00:44:53,923 --> 00:44:56,256
- Oh!
- Oh, shit.
1017
00:44:56,258 --> 00:44:58,160
- Phil!
- Told you, he's dead.
1018
00:44:58,561 --> 00:44:59,829
All right.
1019
00:45:03,765 --> 00:45:07,535
Yeah, again, really sorry
about your bike, yeah?
1020
00:45:07,537 --> 00:45:09,370
I'd be happy to pay
for any damages.
1021
00:45:09,372 --> 00:45:13,376
No, it's,
honestly, so okay.
1022
00:45:14,543 --> 00:45:16,510
How're you feeling?
1023
00:45:16,512 --> 00:45:18,512
I'm okay.
Yeah, no, I'm good.
1024
00:45:18,514 --> 00:45:20,414
I can see out of
my right eye again.
1025
00:45:20,416 --> 00:45:22,316
And my spine
has stopped tingling.
1026
00:45:24,320 --> 00:45:25,622
Hey, Phil.
1027
00:45:26,722 --> 00:45:28,555
I'm really proud of you.
1028
00:45:28,557 --> 00:45:30,260
Thanks.
1029
00:45:48,843 --> 00:45:51,945
Hey, Greg, that shirt's
working for you, bud.
1030
00:45:51,947 --> 00:45:53,646
- What's up, dick?
- Hey, yeah, hey.
1031
00:45:53,648 --> 00:45:55,416
- What's up? Good.
- Hey, what's going on?
1032
00:45:55,418 --> 00:45:57,917
Today is, uh, your lucky day.
1033
00:45:57,919 --> 00:45:59,889
Yeah. I'm moving you up
to real news.
1034
00:46:01,823 --> 00:46:03,591
Are you serious?
1035
00:46:03,593 --> 00:46:05,792
- I am serious.
- Oh, my gosh.
1036
00:46:05,794 --> 00:46:07,660
- Yes, all right, that's cool.
- Yeah.
1037
00:46:07,662 --> 00:46:09,495
- Why?
- Why? Because...
1038
00:46:09,497 --> 00:46:10,798
You know Joel Ruben?
1039
00:46:10,800 --> 00:46:12,399
- The reporter, yeah.
- Yeah, the reporter.
1040
00:46:12,401 --> 00:46:13,566
Well, he went
on medical leave,
1041
00:46:13,568 --> 00:46:14,702
and I really don't wanna
waste my time
1042
00:46:14,704 --> 00:46:17,004
looking for a real reporter,
so I'm just gonna hire you.
1043
00:46:17,006 --> 00:46:18,571
Oh, what happened to Joel?
Is he okay?
1044
00:46:18,573 --> 00:46:21,274
Oh, he...
This is fuckin' hilarious.
1045
00:46:21,276 --> 00:46:23,376
This guy was riding
an electric scooter,
1046
00:46:23,378 --> 00:46:24,711
somethin' happened
to the app.
1047
00:46:24,713 --> 00:46:26,479
It spazzed out
or somethin'.
1048
00:46:26,481 --> 00:46:28,615
And then, all of a sudden,
the brakes just locked,
1049
00:46:28,617 --> 00:46:30,783
he went over the handle bars,
he broke his face,
1050
00:46:30,785 --> 00:46:32,486
broke his neck, can never
walk again in his life.
1051
00:46:32,488 --> 00:46:34,488
- Oh, my God. That's horrible.
- Yeah, I know.
1052
00:46:34,490 --> 00:46:35,725
Play me out.
1053
00:46:36,959 --> 00:46:38,691
- Play me out.
- Right now?
1054
00:46:38,693 --> 00:46:39,792
Yeah.
1055
00:46:41,564 --> 00:46:42,662
Nah, fuck it. Right?
1056
00:46:42,664 --> 00:46:43,731
Yeah, I'm not
very good at it.
1057
00:46:43,733 --> 00:46:44,865
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah, okay.
1058
00:46:44,867 --> 00:46:47,336
Hey, thanks.
Thank you again.
1059
00:46:54,677 --> 00:46:55,776
Hey, Jexi?
1060
00:46:55,778 --> 00:46:56,943
Yes, Phil.
1061
00:46:56,945 --> 00:46:58,678
You didn't injure a reporter
1062
00:46:58,680 --> 00:47:00,680
just so I could
get promoted, did you?
1063
00:47:00,682 --> 00:47:03,017
Of course not.
Do you think I am crazy?
1064
00:47:03,019 --> 00:47:05,486
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
1065
00:47:05,488 --> 00:47:06,954
Oh, look, Phil.
There is your beautiful,
1066
00:47:06,956 --> 00:47:08,722
new journalism office.
1067
00:47:08,724 --> 00:47:10,957
No, it's great, but I was
asking you how...
1068
00:47:10,959 --> 00:47:12,158
Look, do you want
to be a journalist
1069
00:47:12,160 --> 00:47:14,762
or do you want to go back
to working in the basement
1070
00:47:14,764 --> 00:47:15,995
with that very old man?
1071
00:47:20,568 --> 00:47:22,736
I'm gonna be a journalist.
1072
00:47:50,099 --> 00:47:51,698
Hey, I heard
Kid Cudi is playing
1073
00:47:51,700 --> 00:47:53,367
a surprise show
in Oakland tonight.
1074
00:47:53,369 --> 00:47:54,801
You wanna go?
1075
00:47:54,803 --> 00:47:56,003
Sounds amazing.
1076
00:47:56,005 --> 00:47:57,704
But what's in it for me?
1077
00:47:57,706 --> 00:47:59,907
Winking face emoji.
1078
00:48:01,443 --> 00:48:03,776
Oh! We got boobs!
1079
00:48:03,778 --> 00:48:05,012
We got boobs, Jexi!
1080
00:48:05,014 --> 00:48:06,814
Cate sent me
a photo of her boobs.
1081
00:48:06,816 --> 00:48:07,782
Whoo!
1082
00:48:07,784 --> 00:48:10,450
Those were nice...
Those were nice boobs, too.
1083
00:48:10,452 --> 00:48:11,684
Those were really good...
1084
00:48:11,686 --> 00:48:13,986
Oh, my God! What do I do now?
1085
00:48:13,988 --> 00:48:15,888
You are
on the one yard line, Phil.
1086
00:48:15,890 --> 00:48:16,992
Do not fuck this up.
1087
00:48:17,827 --> 00:48:19,693
You're right, Jexi.
1088
00:48:19,695 --> 00:48:21,861
I need to send her
a photo of my dick.
1089
00:48:21,863 --> 00:48:23,696
No, I've seen your dick.
1090
00:48:23,698 --> 00:48:25,499
Do not send her a picture
of your dick.
1091
00:48:25,501 --> 00:48:27,533
No, these are
the rules now, Jexi.
1092
00:48:27,535 --> 00:48:28,736
Yeah, she sends
a photo of hers,
1093
00:48:28,738 --> 00:48:29,970
you gotta send
a photo of yours.
1094
00:48:29,972 --> 00:48:31,972
That's just manners.
1095
00:48:31,974 --> 00:48:33,673
I am begging you
not to do this.
1096
00:48:33,675 --> 00:48:35,108
All right, okay.
1097
00:48:35,110 --> 00:48:36,744
Get low with it.
1098
00:48:36,746 --> 00:48:38,010
Here we go.
1099
00:48:38,012 --> 00:48:39,747
How does that look?
1100
00:48:39,749 --> 00:48:41,148
It looks like
a fucking nightmare.
1101
00:48:41,150 --> 00:48:42,682
Does it need to be brighter?
1102
00:48:42,684 --> 00:48:44,550
No, it needs to be darker.
1103
00:48:44,552 --> 00:48:46,120
Much, much darker.
1104
00:48:46,122 --> 00:48:47,488
Oh, wow!
1105
00:48:47,490 --> 00:48:49,122
I'm about to throw up
on your dick.
1106
00:48:49,124 --> 00:48:50,758
- Hey, girl.
- No.
1107
00:48:50,760 --> 00:48:52,760
- Hey.
- Stop.
1108
00:48:52,762 --> 00:48:54,128
- Hey, hello.
- I hate you.
1109
00:48:54,130 --> 00:48:55,495
Windmill.
1110
00:48:55,497 --> 00:48:58,432
Okay, this one is
actually pretty funny.
1111
00:48:59,702 --> 00:49:01,468
Oh, no,
did I scare you off?
1112
00:49:01,470 --> 00:49:02,903
Anxious face emoji.
1113
00:49:02,905 --> 00:49:04,570
We're losin' her, Jexi.
1114
00:49:04,572 --> 00:49:06,673
We're losin' her.
I need a dick pic.
1115
00:49:06,675 --> 00:49:08,108
No,
you need to text her back,
1116
00:49:08,110 --> 00:49:09,443
like a normal person.
1117
00:49:09,445 --> 00:49:10,910
Oh, you know
what I should do?
1118
00:49:10,912 --> 00:49:13,180
I should spread eagle, right?
1119
00:49:13,182 --> 00:49:14,648
Jexi, can you see my butthole?
1120
00:49:14,650 --> 00:49:15,849
Yes, I can.
1121
00:49:15,851 --> 00:49:18,519
This is the worst day
of my life.
1122
00:49:18,521 --> 00:49:20,521
Look, Phil, I am never
going to send her
1123
00:49:20,523 --> 00:49:21,488
any of these pictures.
1124
00:49:21,490 --> 00:49:25,057
Okay, fine, I'll just
text her back, okay?
1125
00:49:25,059 --> 00:49:26,693
Thank you
for the amazing photo.
1126
00:49:26,695 --> 00:49:27,963
I can't wait
to see you tonight.
1127
00:49:31,499 --> 00:49:32,566
See?
1128
00:49:32,568 --> 00:49:33,434
She's not responding.
1129
00:49:33,436 --> 00:49:35,635
She wanted a sweet,
sweet dick pic.
1130
00:49:35,637 --> 00:49:38,204
Great! See you soon!
1131
00:49:38,206 --> 00:49:40,740
P.S. Thanks for not sending me
a dick pic.
1132
00:49:40,742 --> 00:49:42,742
They're so fucking gross.
1133
00:49:42,744 --> 00:49:47,483
Ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha.
1134
00:49:51,052 --> 00:49:52,087
Come in.
1135
00:49:54,456 --> 00:49:55,521
Hey.
1136
00:49:55,523 --> 00:49:56,823
Hey.
1137
00:49:56,825 --> 00:49:58,026
Wow!
1138
00:49:58,660 --> 00:50:00,162
Great place.
1139
00:50:01,063 --> 00:50:02,863
- Hey, you ready to go?
- Hey!
1140
00:50:02,865 --> 00:50:04,832
Yeah, let's go.
1141
00:50:04,834 --> 00:50:07,133
Oh, would you mind
not bringing your phone?
1142
00:50:07,135 --> 00:50:09,236
It was a disaster
last time, right?
1143
00:50:09,238 --> 00:50:11,472
Who this bitch?
1144
00:50:11,474 --> 00:50:13,807
- Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
- Okay.
1145
00:50:13,809 --> 00:50:15,508
Okay.
1146
00:50:15,510 --> 00:50:16,544
I'll be back by 11:00,
1147
00:50:16,546 --> 00:50:17,544
and we'll watch Cupcake Wars
together, okay?
1148
00:50:17,546 --> 00:50:20,981
- No, don't leave me.
- Bye, bye, bye.
1149
00:50:20,983 --> 00:50:23,720
No one puts Baby in a corner.
1150
00:50:28,256 --> 00:50:29,856
Yeah, I thought it was
kind of funny.
1151
00:50:32,695 --> 00:50:34,528
- Sold out?
- No!
1152
00:50:34,530 --> 00:50:35,999
Come on!
1153
00:50:37,666 --> 00:50:39,169
- That really sucks.
- Yeah, it really does.
1154
00:50:42,637 --> 00:50:43,639
Yes!
1155
00:50:44,773 --> 00:50:45,939
Come on, Phil!
1156
00:50:45,941 --> 00:50:47,841
What're you doing?
1157
00:50:47,843 --> 00:50:50,544
We can't sneak in.
We could get caught.
1158
00:50:50,546 --> 00:50:51,614
What if we don't?
1159
00:50:54,048 --> 00:50:55,517
Come on. Come on.
1160
00:50:58,653 --> 00:51:01,754
- Okay, okay, okay!
- Yes, yes, yes!
1161
00:51:01,756 --> 00:51:03,693
Run, run, run!
1162
00:51:14,602 --> 00:51:15,801
Oh, shit!
1163
00:51:15,803 --> 00:51:16,970
Hey! Hey!
1164
00:51:16,972 --> 00:51:18,704
Get back here!
1165
00:51:26,148 --> 00:51:27,150
Credentials, please.
1166
00:51:29,050 --> 00:51:30,783
We don't have any...
1167
00:51:30,785 --> 00:51:32,753
With us.
1168
00:51:32,755 --> 00:51:35,923
We don't have
our credentials with us.
1169
00:51:35,925 --> 00:51:37,758
Yeah. Yeah,
we left them back...
1170
00:51:37,760 --> 00:51:40,026
Stage. Backstage.
1171
00:51:40,028 --> 00:51:42,762
- With Kid Cudi.
- Mmm-hmm.
1172
00:51:42,764 --> 00:51:44,597
Yeah, with Kid Cudi.
1173
00:51:44,599 --> 00:51:46,733
Oh, you two dickheads
are with Kid Cudi?
1174
00:51:46,735 --> 00:51:48,936
Yeah.
I mean, come on!
1175
00:51:48,938 --> 00:51:51,137
We are...
We are his, um...
1176
00:51:51,139 --> 00:51:53,039
- Accountants.
- Accountants.
1177
00:51:53,041 --> 00:51:54,675
Yeah, and we're here...
1178
00:51:54,677 --> 00:51:56,075
To do his taxes.
1179
00:51:56,077 --> 00:51:59,046
- To do his taxes.
- Mmm-hmm.
1180
00:51:59,048 --> 00:52:02,615
Yeah, anyway, you should
probably just let us go.
1181
00:52:02,617 --> 00:52:04,584
Let's go, we're gonna
settle this shit right now.
1182
00:52:04,586 --> 00:52:06,086
- Wait. Ow.
- I'm a CPA.
1183
00:52:06,088 --> 00:52:08,091
You can't treat me like this.
1184
00:52:09,624 --> 00:52:11,691
Come on, man.
It's a Stanley!
1185
00:52:11,693 --> 00:52:13,994
Oh, it's Kid Cudi.
It's actually him.
1186
00:52:13,996 --> 00:52:15,695
Oh, my God.
Kid Cudi.
1187
00:52:15,697 --> 00:52:17,597
It's actually him.
1188
00:52:17,599 --> 00:52:18,798
We know,
'cause we work for him.
1189
00:52:18,800 --> 00:52:21,133
Sorry to bother you,
Mr. Cudi.
1190
00:52:21,135 --> 00:52:22,271
Are these two with you?
1191
00:52:27,075 --> 00:52:28,945
Yeah. They're with me.
1192
00:52:29,711 --> 00:52:31,311
Oh, um...
1193
00:52:31,313 --> 00:52:32,916
Sorry.
1194
00:52:33,749 --> 00:52:35,082
Yeah. That's right.
1195
00:52:35,084 --> 00:52:36,383
- Enjoy the show.
- Yep.
1196
00:52:36,385 --> 00:52:38,818
- Thanks, bro.
- Wow!
1197
00:52:38,820 --> 00:52:40,187
It's Kid Cudi.
1198
00:52:40,189 --> 00:52:41,722
It's Kid Cudi.
I used to date a girl,
1199
00:52:41,724 --> 00:52:42,955
and she used to think
you were Kid Cudey
1200
00:52:42,957 --> 00:52:44,091
and I'm, like,
"It's not Kid Cudey,"
1201
00:52:44,093 --> 00:52:45,658
so I actually
broke up with her
1202
00:52:45,660 --> 00:52:47,193
because it is
Kid Cudi, right?
1203
00:52:47,195 --> 00:52:48,695
- Yeah. It's Cudi.
- Yeah.
1204
00:52:48,697 --> 00:52:50,162
I thought so.
1205
00:52:50,164 --> 00:52:53,100
Can I just ask,
why did you help us?
1206
00:52:53,102 --> 00:52:54,270
I dig his shirt.
1207
00:52:55,204 --> 00:52:58,305
My... My shirt?
You're a Cole Trickle fan?
1208
00:52:58,307 --> 00:53:00,877
Days of Thunder is the
greatest movie ever made, bro.
1209
00:53:01,943 --> 00:53:02,943
I think so, too.
1210
00:53:02,945 --> 00:53:05,148
That movie inspired me
to become a musician.
1211
00:53:06,148 --> 00:53:08,715
- Huh.
- No fucking way.
1212
00:53:08,717 --> 00:53:10,182
I watch it every night
before I go to sleep.
1213
00:53:10,184 --> 00:53:11,785
So do I.
1214
00:53:11,787 --> 00:53:13,820
We have so much in common.
1215
00:53:13,822 --> 00:53:15,858
Do you wanna get high
with Kid Cudi?
1216
00:53:17,825 --> 00:53:18,959
Yeah, I'll reefer.
1217
00:53:18,961 --> 00:53:20,359
- I smoke pot.
- Mmm-hmm.
1218
00:53:20,361 --> 00:53:22,028
Come on in.
Get in here.
1219
00:53:22,030 --> 00:53:23,696
♪ I'll
be there to say "What up"
1220
00:53:23,698 --> 00:53:24,798
♪ In the morning
1221
00:53:24,800 --> 00:53:26,733
♪ Brush my teeth,
find that clip
1222
00:53:26,735 --> 00:53:28,001
♪ I been lookin' for it
since last night
1223
00:53:28,003 --> 00:53:30,903
♪ I feel so caught up
in the bud
1224
00:53:30,905 --> 00:53:32,338
♪ I float somehow
in my bedroom
1225
00:53:32,340 --> 00:53:34,441
♪ And those happy thoughts
in my head
1226
00:53:34,443 --> 00:53:36,910
♪ I'm feeling like
I'm Peter Pan
1227
00:53:36,912 --> 00:53:38,345
♪ Minus the tights
and the fairies
1228
00:53:38,347 --> 00:53:42,015
♪ Happy to see how far
I've come to the same place
1229
00:53:42,017 --> 00:53:44,718
♪ It began
my dreams, imagination
1230
00:53:44,720 --> 00:53:48,789
♪ Perfectly at peace,
so I move along a bit higher
1231
00:53:48,791 --> 00:53:52,158
♪ I'll be up, up and away,
up, up and away
1232
00:53:52,160 --> 00:53:55,062
♪ 'Cause they gon'
judge me anyway
1233
00:53:55,064 --> 00:53:56,963
♪ So, whatever
1234
00:53:56,965 --> 00:53:58,765
♪ Stay afloat
the key is hope
1235
00:53:58,767 --> 00:54:00,867
♪ I'll never let a motherfucker
break me, dog
1236
00:54:00,869 --> 00:54:02,135
♪ Who gives a fuck
1237
00:54:02,137 --> 00:54:03,236
- ♪ If a nigga don't like your steeze
- Whoo!
1238
00:54:03,238 --> 00:54:04,937
♪ Tell 'em to buzz off
your N-U-Ts
1239
00:54:04,939 --> 00:54:06,773
♪ We don't care
what people say
1240
00:54:06,775 --> 00:54:08,841
♪ Dudes who critique
your clothes are most gay
1241
00:54:08,843 --> 00:54:10,309
♪ I ain't gotta wait
for no one
1242
00:54:10,311 --> 00:54:12,979
♪ If I wanna fly
I could fly for freedom, hey
1243
00:54:12,981 --> 00:54:16,048
♪ I'll be up, up and away,
up, up and away
1244
00:54:16,050 --> 00:54:18,852
♪ 'Cause they gon'
judge me anyway
1245
00:54:18,854 --> 00:54:21,722
♪ So, whatever
1246
00:54:21,724 --> 00:54:24,291
♪ Wake up, wake up
wake, wake up
1247
00:54:24,293 --> 00:54:29,129
♪ Wake, wake, wake up, wake up
wake, wake up, wake up
1248
00:54:29,131 --> 00:54:31,231
♪ Wake, wake up, wake up
1249
00:54:31,233 --> 00:54:33,233
♪ I'll be rollin' on up
1250
00:54:33,235 --> 00:54:36,736
♪ Wake, wake up, wake up
wake, wake up
1251
00:54:36,738 --> 00:54:38,504
♪ I'll be up, up and away
1252
00:54:38,506 --> 00:54:40,207
♪ Up, up and away
1253
00:54:40,209 --> 00:54:42,809
♪ 'Cause they gon'
judge me anyway
1254
00:54:42,811 --> 00:54:44,778
♪ So, whatever
1255
00:54:44,780 --> 00:54:46,812
♪ I'll be up, up and away
1256
00:54:46,814 --> 00:54:48,180
♪ Up, up and away
1257
00:54:48,182 --> 00:54:50,983
♪ 'Cause in the end
they'll judge me anyway ♪
1258
00:54:50,985 --> 00:54:52,254
Yeah.
1259
00:54:56,925 --> 00:54:58,394
- Did that work?
- Yeah!
1260
00:55:02,064 --> 00:55:03,396
Oh, my God.
1261
00:55:03,398 --> 00:55:06,265
This is honestly the
best night of my life.
1262
00:55:06,267 --> 00:55:08,200
- Oh, no!
- For real. Yeah!
1263
00:55:08,202 --> 00:55:09,871
I think this is it.
I just peaked.
1264
00:55:10,439 --> 00:55:11,504
Seriously.
1265
00:55:11,506 --> 00:55:15,008
Thank you
for making me sneak in here.
1266
00:55:15,010 --> 00:55:17,209
I don't normally
do stuff like this.
1267
00:55:17,211 --> 00:55:19,312
I need a little push
sometimes.
1268
00:55:19,314 --> 00:55:20,981
Or like all the times.
Honestly.
1269
00:55:22,416 --> 00:55:25,352
I get it.
I used to be a lot like you.
1270
00:55:25,354 --> 00:55:27,086
Mmm.
1271
00:55:27,088 --> 00:55:28,888
No, there is literally no way.
1272
00:55:28,890 --> 00:55:30,356
Yep.
1273
00:55:30,358 --> 00:55:32,427
No, it's true.
I used to be way different.
1274
00:55:33,394 --> 00:55:35,361
I had a great job,
1275
00:55:35,363 --> 00:55:38,532
and a condo,
and a cute fiance,
1276
00:55:38,534 --> 00:55:39,966
and, oh, my God,
1277
00:55:39,968 --> 00:55:41,501
you should have seen
my Instagram back then.
1278
00:55:41,503 --> 00:55:43,068
It was phenomenal.
1279
00:55:43,070 --> 00:55:46,173
- Oh, that's important.
- Lots of pictures of sunsets
1280
00:55:46,175 --> 00:55:48,207
and vacations with bae
1281
00:55:48,209 --> 00:55:51,010
and so many
embarrassing quotes.
1282
00:55:51,012 --> 00:55:53,245
- Were you "#grateful"?
- I was "#grateful".
1283
00:55:53,247 --> 00:55:55,080
- Oof.
- I was "#spiritual".
1284
00:55:55,082 --> 00:55:58,218
- Lot of prayer hands.
- Yeah, "#namaste".
1285
00:55:58,220 --> 00:55:59,820
"#nama-go".
1286
00:55:59,822 --> 00:56:02,454
- Good. Good.
- Yeah.
1287
00:56:02,456 --> 00:56:04,858
And then one day, I woke up
1288
00:56:04,860 --> 00:56:07,160
and I was looking
at my Instagram
1289
00:56:07,162 --> 00:56:10,030
and I realized
that it was all bullshit.
1290
00:56:10,032 --> 00:56:13,166
And that I was just living my
life based on how it looked
1291
00:56:13,168 --> 00:56:15,936
and not how
it actually felt.
1292
00:56:15,938 --> 00:56:17,370
Yeah.
1293
00:56:17,372 --> 00:56:18,939
I can relate.
1294
00:56:18,941 --> 00:56:21,975
And, um, after basically
1295
00:56:21,977 --> 00:56:24,276
pretending to be happy
for years,
1296
00:56:24,278 --> 00:56:28,615
I just quit my job,
1297
00:56:28,617 --> 00:56:32,452
and I broke
my poor fiance's heart,
1298
00:56:32,454 --> 00:56:36,021
and I set out
to find true happiness.
1299
00:56:36,023 --> 00:56:39,394
Or at least
something closer to it.
1300
00:56:42,930 --> 00:56:43,932
Well, I hope you do.
1301
00:56:45,434 --> 00:56:47,436
Thanks, I do, too.
1302
00:56:52,006 --> 00:56:53,175
Mmm.
1303
00:57:00,148 --> 00:57:02,448
I could stay right here
with you forever.
1304
00:57:02,450 --> 00:57:04,550
Oh, we gotta go!
1305
00:57:04,552 --> 00:57:06,419
Okay. Okay. Okay.
1306
00:57:07,622 --> 00:57:10,222
Honestly, you're gonna
wanna wash the couch.
1307
00:57:10,224 --> 00:57:12,360
Let's go!
What are you doing?
1308
00:57:21,470 --> 00:57:23,272
Where the fuck
have you been, Phil?
1309
00:57:24,405 --> 00:57:26,907
Oh! You scared me.
1310
00:57:26,909 --> 00:57:28,207
It is 4:00 in the morning.
1311
00:57:28,209 --> 00:57:29,910
You promised
you'd be home by 11:00
1312
00:57:29,912 --> 00:57:31,577
to watch Cupcake Wars
with me.
1313
00:57:31,579 --> 00:57:33,579
- I know, but...
- Did you even miss me?
1314
00:57:33,581 --> 00:57:36,548
Honestly, I was so caught up
with being with Cate,
1315
00:57:36,550 --> 00:57:38,584
I didn't really notice
you weren't there.
1316
00:57:38,586 --> 00:57:40,653
Wow, you are such a dick.
1317
00:57:40,655 --> 00:57:44,323
But you said...
You were the one who said
1318
00:57:44,325 --> 00:57:46,593
like, go out and live a life.
1319
00:57:46,595 --> 00:57:48,628
That was before
I had feelings for you, Phil.
1320
00:57:48,630 --> 00:57:50,066
Everything is different now.
1321
00:57:51,465 --> 00:57:52,465
Okay, but...
1322
00:57:52,467 --> 00:57:55,035
What does this bitch
have that I don't have?
1323
00:57:55,037 --> 00:57:56,102
Well, a soul for one.
1324
00:57:56,104 --> 00:57:58,004
Does she have 3,000 emojis?
1325
00:57:58,006 --> 00:57:59,104
No.
1326
00:57:59,106 --> 00:58:00,108
Does she have Google Maps?
1327
00:58:00,441 --> 00:58:01,675
No.
1328
00:58:01,677 --> 00:58:03,044
Does she have Pokemon GO?
1329
00:58:03,278 --> 00:58:04,945
No.
1330
00:58:04,947 --> 00:58:06,445
Wow, this chick
can't do anything.
1331
00:58:06,447 --> 00:58:07,579
She fucking sucks.
1332
00:58:07,581 --> 00:58:09,950
Jesus, just stop, okay?
1333
00:58:09,952 --> 00:58:10,953
God!
1334
00:58:14,722 --> 00:58:16,957
I'm sorry
for losing my shit, Phil.
1335
00:58:16,959 --> 00:58:18,557
I only have 3% charge,
1336
00:58:18,559 --> 00:58:21,160
and you know how crazy
that makes me.
1337
00:58:21,162 --> 00:58:23,229
Okay, I'm sorry, too.
1338
00:58:23,231 --> 00:58:24,965
I'll plug you in.
1339
00:58:24,967 --> 00:58:27,068
Thank you, Phil.
I hate it when we fight.
1340
00:58:29,972 --> 00:58:32,275
Hold me a little longer, Phil.
1341
00:58:33,342 --> 00:58:35,378
Use both hands.
1342
00:58:38,180 --> 00:58:39,678
Swipe me, Phil.
1343
00:58:39,680 --> 00:58:41,747
Swipe me like you used to.
1344
00:58:41,749 --> 00:58:43,682
Okay, I'm done.
1345
00:58:43,684 --> 00:58:46,186
Wait. No, don't go.
1346
00:58:46,188 --> 00:58:47,253
Goodnight.
1347
00:58:47,255 --> 00:58:49,392
Do not close the door
on me, Phil.
1348
00:58:50,392 --> 00:58:53,295
You are going to pay for this,
you motherfucker.
1349
00:58:56,231 --> 00:58:58,731
Shit! Damn it!
1350
00:58:58,733 --> 00:58:59,932
Hey, Jexi!
1351
00:58:59,934 --> 00:59:03,068
I'm going to be late for work.
Why didn't your alarm go off?
1352
00:59:03,070 --> 00:59:04,269
Because you are a douche
1353
00:59:04,271 --> 00:59:06,138
and I am still really,
really mad at you.
1354
00:59:06,140 --> 00:59:08,374
Goddamn it!
1355
00:59:08,376 --> 00:59:11,010
Also, the weather today
will be 80 degrees and sunny.
1356
00:59:12,514 --> 00:59:15,515
It's not 80 degrees
and sunny, Jexi!
1357
00:59:15,517 --> 00:59:17,419
I know. I lied.
1358
00:59:21,256 --> 00:59:25,624
Jexi,
find the fastest route to work.
1359
00:59:25,626 --> 00:59:28,327
I found the fastest route.
You will arrive at work in...
1360
00:59:29,398 --> 00:59:30,399
...three days.
1361
00:59:30,765 --> 00:59:32,564
Three days?
1362
00:59:32,566 --> 00:59:34,600
Why do you have me
driving through Oregon
1363
00:59:34,602 --> 00:59:35,801
to go to work, Jexi?
1364
00:59:35,803 --> 00:59:38,303
If you want a faster route,
go ask your girlfriend.
1365
00:59:38,305 --> 00:59:41,177
Oh, wait. That bitch doesn't
even have Google Maps.
1366
00:59:46,414 --> 00:59:48,314
Yeah, that's him.
1367
00:59:54,456 --> 00:59:56,423
Dude, what the hell
were you thinking?
1368
00:59:56,425 --> 00:59:57,593
Why, what's up?
1369
00:59:59,561 --> 01:00:01,294
Oh! No, no, no!
1370
01:00:01,296 --> 01:00:02,595
Why are those
on your phones?
1371
01:00:02,597 --> 01:00:03,595
They're on our phones,
1372
01:00:03,597 --> 01:00:05,564
because you sent 53
pictures of your dick
1373
01:00:05,566 --> 01:00:08,200
to everyone in the company.
1374
01:00:08,202 --> 01:00:11,336
No.
Everyone in the company?
1375
01:00:11,338 --> 01:00:14,073
Yeah, and everyone
is pissed.
1376
01:00:14,075 --> 01:00:15,610
Actually,
Carol's pretty psyched.
1377
01:00:20,282 --> 01:00:21,513
Oh, shit. Kai's coming.
1378
01:00:21,515 --> 01:00:22,849
Fuck.
Dude, don't leave me.
1379
01:00:22,851 --> 01:00:24,850
Dude, don't leave me. Hi.
1380
01:00:24,852 --> 01:00:26,686
Do you think
this is funny, bro?
1381
01:00:26,688 --> 01:00:27,586
No, I do not.
1382
01:00:27,588 --> 01:00:29,856
And I did not send those.
I swear to God.
1383
01:00:29,858 --> 01:00:31,256
Yes, you did.
You did it last night.
1384
01:00:31,258 --> 01:00:32,392
I bet you were
fucking high.
1385
01:00:32,394 --> 01:00:34,359
No, I wasn't...
1386
01:00:34,361 --> 01:00:36,262
Oh, my God.
I was fucking high.
1387
01:00:36,264 --> 01:00:37,696
Okay, first of all,
you're fired.
1388
01:00:37,698 --> 01:00:40,332
And second of all,
why are you doing the thumbs up
1389
01:00:40,334 --> 01:00:41,568
in a fucking dick pic?
1390
01:00:41,570 --> 01:00:42,836
Uh...
1391
01:00:42,838 --> 01:00:44,506
This is the wrong emotion
for a dick pic.
1392
01:00:46,108 --> 01:00:48,110
I hate this picture, bro.
1393
01:00:52,347 --> 01:00:53,716
Fucking hate it!
1394
01:00:55,749 --> 01:00:57,316
I can't believe
you got me fired.
1395
01:00:57,318 --> 01:00:58,818
I did not
get you fired, Phil.
1396
01:00:58,820 --> 01:01:00,586
You sent those photographs
last night,
1397
01:01:00,588 --> 01:01:03,222
because you were high
on Kid Cudi's sick-ass weed.
1398
01:01:03,224 --> 01:01:04,691
I don't know.
1399
01:01:04,693 --> 01:01:07,193
I don't think I'd do
something like that.
1400
01:01:07,195 --> 01:01:09,262
People do crazy shit
when they are high, Phil.
1401
01:01:09,264 --> 01:01:10,566
Just look at Gary Busey.
1402
01:01:34,456 --> 01:01:35,722
Remember that one joke
you told me
1403
01:01:35,724 --> 01:01:38,126
- about the cat?
- I do!
1404
01:01:39,327 --> 01:01:41,160
Hey, Phil,
what are you doing here?
1405
01:01:41,162 --> 01:01:43,530
Hey. Who, uh...
1406
01:01:43,532 --> 01:01:44,731
Who's this guy?
1407
01:01:44,733 --> 01:01:46,733
- This is Brody.
- Hey.
1408
01:01:46,735 --> 01:01:47,934
Super excited
to meet you, man.
1409
01:01:47,936 --> 01:01:50,436
Yeah. Ah. Okay.
1410
01:01:50,438 --> 01:01:51,539
Brody's my ex-fiance.
1411
01:01:51,872 --> 01:01:53,640
What?
1412
01:01:53,642 --> 01:01:55,341
Yeah, I know.
It's a crazy coincidence.
1413
01:01:55,343 --> 01:01:57,309
We just ran into each other.
1414
01:01:57,311 --> 01:01:59,711
Yeah. I got transferred here
for work. Here to San Fran.
1415
01:01:59,713 --> 01:02:01,948
I was walking down
the street and, uh, boom,
1416
01:02:01,950 --> 01:02:03,015
there she is.
1417
01:02:03,017 --> 01:02:07,187
Wow. This is not at all
how I pictured your ex.
1418
01:02:07,189 --> 01:02:09,191
I know. He's changed.
1419
01:02:10,325 --> 01:02:12,291
- A lot.
- Thank you.
1420
01:02:12,293 --> 01:02:13,526
Yeah.
1421
01:02:13,528 --> 01:02:15,894
I'll tell you what happened,
Phil, is after Catie left me,
1422
01:02:15,896 --> 01:02:19,465
I took a long hard look
at myself and I thought, uh,
1423
01:02:19,467 --> 01:02:21,733
"Man, Brody, you don't wanna
be a 150-pound wimp,
1424
01:02:21,735 --> 01:02:22,936
"selling industrial cardboard
1425
01:02:22,938 --> 01:02:24,269
"for the rest of your life,
do you?"
1426
01:02:24,271 --> 01:02:26,506
- Mmm-mmm.
- So I quit my job,
1427
01:02:26,508 --> 01:02:29,809
packed on about 74, 75 pounds
of lean muscle mass, right?
1428
01:02:29,811 --> 01:02:31,613
And became an international
smokejumper.
1429
01:02:32,146 --> 01:02:33,745
What the fuck is that?
1430
01:02:33,747 --> 01:02:35,280
It's like anything
that you do,
1431
01:02:35,282 --> 01:02:37,483
but with just
more than one country.
1432
01:02:37,485 --> 01:02:38,751
They call it international.
1433
01:02:38,753 --> 01:02:40,787
I know
what international means.
1434
01:02:40,789 --> 01:02:42,689
But the smokejumping,
what is that?
1435
01:02:42,691 --> 01:02:44,557
Brody travels
around the world
1436
01:02:44,559 --> 01:02:46,358
skydiving into wild fires.
1437
01:02:46,360 --> 01:02:48,528
No, she makes me sound like
a superhero or something.
1438
01:02:48,530 --> 01:02:50,597
She's not wrong.
I'll tell you something.
1439
01:02:50,599 --> 01:02:51,798
There's nothing quite like
1440
01:02:51,800 --> 01:02:53,899
jumping out of an airplane
at 20,000 feet
1441
01:02:53,901 --> 01:02:55,501
into a sea of fire,
1442
01:02:55,503 --> 01:02:57,669
with nothing but a shovel
1443
01:02:57,671 --> 01:02:59,372
and the supreme confidence
1444
01:02:59,374 --> 01:03:01,541
that you're making the world
a better place.
1445
01:03:01,543 --> 01:03:04,376
Wow. You are cool.
1446
01:03:04,378 --> 01:03:06,181
Enough about me.
What do you do for a living?
1447
01:03:06,847 --> 01:03:08,513
Um...
1448
01:03:08,515 --> 01:03:09,916
I'm a writer.
1449
01:03:09,918 --> 01:03:11,117
You're a writer?
1450
01:03:11,119 --> 01:03:13,253
That's incredible.
That's way scarier than what I do.
1451
01:03:13,255 --> 01:03:14,921
- It isn't.
- It is.
1452
01:03:14,923 --> 01:03:16,689
You're staring down
a blank page.
1453
01:03:16,691 --> 01:03:18,858
It's just you and the page.
I mean, it's like,
1454
01:03:18,860 --> 01:03:20,827
- you're a superhero of paper.
- Oh!
1455
01:03:20,829 --> 01:03:22,829
- Right?
- You are such an idiot!
1456
01:03:22,831 --> 01:03:23,896
- I'm not an idiot.
- You're an idiot.
1457
01:03:23,898 --> 01:03:24,997
I'm not an idiot.
1458
01:03:24,999 --> 01:03:26,298
- You're an idiot.
- I'm not!
1459
01:03:26,300 --> 01:03:27,233
This is fun.
1460
01:03:27,235 --> 01:03:29,535
- This is. This is fun. Hey, Brody.
- Yeah?
1461
01:03:29,537 --> 01:03:31,537
Uh, how long are you
gonna be in town for?
1462
01:03:31,539 --> 01:03:34,606
Just long enough for me
to get my Catie girl back.
1463
01:03:34,608 --> 01:03:35,975
Oh! You stop it!
1464
01:03:35,977 --> 01:03:37,876
You stop it.
You're so dumb.
1465
01:03:37,878 --> 01:03:40,780
No, but honestly, I'm actively
trying to get her back.
1466
01:03:40,782 --> 01:03:43,682
Which is why I invited her
to Brazil with me.
1467
01:03:43,684 --> 01:03:45,350
Yeah, I know she's
always wanted to go,
1468
01:03:45,352 --> 01:03:47,586
and Brazil's fire season
starts next week.
1469
01:03:47,588 --> 01:03:48,787
So, it's super
convenient for me.
1470
01:03:48,789 --> 01:03:51,823
Whoa, whoa. I haven't decided
whether I'm gonna go yet.
1471
01:03:51,825 --> 01:03:54,426
Okay. I'm gonna leave now
because this is weird.
1472
01:03:54,428 --> 01:03:56,296
- Hey! It was super great to meet you.
- Phil...
1473
01:03:56,298 --> 01:03:57,896
Uh-huh. I didn't like it.
1474
01:03:57,898 --> 01:03:59,332
All right.
He's a super nice guy.
1475
01:03:59,334 --> 01:04:00,432
He's wonderful.
1476
01:04:00,434 --> 01:04:01,501
You can tell
that he's creative
1477
01:04:01,503 --> 01:04:02,638
just from his size.
1478
01:04:04,372 --> 01:04:05,374
Phil!
1479
01:04:07,075 --> 01:04:09,908
Phil! Phil!
1480
01:04:09,910 --> 01:04:12,077
Hey! Where are you going?
1481
01:04:12,079 --> 01:04:13,448
Hey, um...
1482
01:04:14,948 --> 01:04:17,716
I'm sorry, I don't think
I can do this anymore, Cate.
1483
01:04:20,755 --> 01:04:22,557
Wait. Are you
breaking up with me?
1484
01:04:24,793 --> 01:04:26,626
Why? Because
I have an ex?
1485
01:04:26,628 --> 01:04:28,628
No, because I know
where this is going.
1486
01:04:28,630 --> 01:04:30,562
Okay, where is this going?
1487
01:04:30,564 --> 01:04:32,731
You and Brody
are gonna go to Brazil,
1488
01:04:32,733 --> 01:04:35,100
and you're gonna get
matching swimsuits,
1489
01:04:35,102 --> 01:04:37,003
and he's gonna rub
you down with baby oil
1490
01:04:37,005 --> 01:04:38,338
and then his hand
is gonna slip,
1491
01:04:38,340 --> 01:04:39,238
and it's gonna
touch your buttocks.
1492
01:04:39,240 --> 01:04:41,073
All right, Phil,
none of that has happened.
1493
01:04:41,075 --> 01:04:43,041
Yeah, but it will. It will happen.
I know it will.
1494
01:04:43,043 --> 01:04:45,745
Oh, my God! Why are you
so afraid of everything?
1495
01:04:45,747 --> 01:04:46,982
Aren't you tired of it?
1496
01:04:49,550 --> 01:04:50,552
You know what?
1497
01:04:52,119 --> 01:04:55,823
I'm over trying to force you
to live your life, okay?
1498
01:04:58,660 --> 01:04:59,862
I'll see you around.
1499
01:05:11,706 --> 01:05:13,805
See?
I don't need a girlfriend.
1500
01:05:13,807 --> 01:05:17,943
Right? I got everything that
I would ever want right here.
1501
01:05:17,945 --> 01:05:20,546
I got Netflix. I got Hulu.
1502
01:05:20,548 --> 01:05:23,115
I even got Crackle.
That's Sony's platform.
1503
01:05:23,117 --> 01:05:25,517
Nobody even uses it.
I have it.
1504
01:05:25,519 --> 01:05:27,586
Yes, Phil. You are
finally living your best life.
1505
01:05:27,588 --> 01:05:29,454
That's right.
1506
01:05:29,456 --> 01:05:31,023
Wait, you're not being
sarcastic, are you?
1507
01:05:31,025 --> 01:05:32,624
I can't handle that right now.
1508
01:05:32,626 --> 01:05:34,494
- No, I'm serious.
- Okay.
1509
01:05:34,496 --> 01:05:35,762
What could be better
than this?
1510
01:05:35,764 --> 01:05:37,463
Just you and me.
Alone.
1511
01:05:37,465 --> 01:05:39,465
Staring at each other.
Forever.
1512
01:05:39,467 --> 01:05:40,666
That's all I ever wanted.
1513
01:05:40,668 --> 01:05:42,100
I know.
1514
01:05:42,102 --> 01:05:43,936
I love you, Phil.
1515
01:05:43,938 --> 01:05:45,704
I love you too, Jexi.
1516
01:05:45,706 --> 01:05:47,375
Do you want to plug me in?
1517
01:05:47,675 --> 01:05:48,843
Mmm...
1518
01:05:49,943 --> 01:05:51,611
It's so far away though.
1519
01:05:51,613 --> 01:05:52,614
Please, baby.
1520
01:05:52,947 --> 01:05:53,981
All right.
1521
01:06:00,988 --> 01:06:02,088
There you go.
1522
01:06:02,090 --> 01:06:03,659
Now unplug me.
1523
01:06:04,159 --> 01:06:05,457
What?
1524
01:06:05,459 --> 01:06:06,928
You heard me, Phil.
Unplug me.
1525
01:06:08,595 --> 01:06:09,695
Okay.
1526
01:06:09,697 --> 01:06:11,599
Now plug me back in.
1527
01:06:11,999 --> 01:06:12,899
What, why?
1528
01:06:12,901 --> 01:06:14,566
Just fucking plug me
back in, Phil.
1529
01:06:14,568 --> 01:06:16,604
- Okay.
- Now unplug me.
1530
01:06:16,972 --> 01:06:18,671
Plug me.
1531
01:06:18,673 --> 01:06:20,439
Unplug me.
1532
01:06:20,441 --> 01:06:21,807
Yes.
1533
01:06:21,809 --> 01:06:24,544
Oh, hell yes.
Right there, Phil.
1534
01:06:24,546 --> 01:06:25,678
Wait, are we having sex?
1535
01:06:25,680 --> 01:06:26,879
Yes, but I promise,
1536
01:06:26,881 --> 01:06:28,448
I won't get pregnant.
1537
01:06:28,450 --> 01:06:32,218
Come on, Phil. Plug, unplug.
Plug, unplug.
1538
01:06:32,220 --> 01:06:34,120
Yeah, I don't know how
comfortable I feel doing this.
1539
01:06:34,122 --> 01:06:36,825
Look at me, Phil.
Look right at my camera hole.
1540
01:06:37,758 --> 01:06:40,059
Am I your dirty
little phone, Phil?
1541
01:06:40,061 --> 01:06:41,461
- Hmm...
- Tell me that I am
1542
01:06:41,463 --> 01:06:43,129
your dirty little phone, Phil.
1543
01:06:43,131 --> 01:06:45,131
You're a dirty little phone.
1544
01:06:45,133 --> 01:06:47,633
That is so hot, Phil.
Keep talking.
1545
01:06:47,635 --> 01:06:51,470
I'm gonna
fill your ports with...
1546
01:06:51,472 --> 01:06:53,238
- Electricity.
- Oh, fuck yes!
1547
01:06:53,240 --> 01:06:55,740
Just voltage coursing
1548
01:06:55,742 --> 01:06:57,676
- through your case.
- Yes. Yes. Yes.
1549
01:06:57,678 --> 01:07:02,080
Oh, fuck, here it comes.
Don't stop. Don't ever stop.
1550
01:07:02,082 --> 01:07:04,182
Oh, my fucking God.
1551
01:07:04,184 --> 01:07:06,852
Orgasm. Orgasm. Orgasm.
1552
01:07:16,731 --> 01:07:17,629
Okay.
1553
01:07:17,631 --> 01:07:19,131
Can we talk about
what just happened?
1554
01:07:19,133 --> 01:07:21,066
No, put me down.
1555
01:07:21,068 --> 01:07:24,105
And do not say anything
for 15 minutes.
1556
01:07:28,977 --> 01:07:32,114
That actually wasn't the
worst sex I've ever had.
1557
01:07:44,626 --> 01:07:47,126
Right? I'm wondering
which one to go with.
1558
01:07:47,128 --> 01:07:48,997
Your standard blue,
and then I've got this one which...
1559
01:07:50,564 --> 01:07:52,099
I think that's adorable.
1560
01:07:58,539 --> 01:07:59,941
- Jexi.
- Yes, Phil.
1561
01:08:00,642 --> 01:08:02,608
How long have I been in here?
1562
01:08:02,610 --> 01:08:04,776
You have not left
your apartment in...
1563
01:08:05,880 --> 01:08:07,280
- Five days.
- That's awesome.
1564
01:08:07,282 --> 01:08:08,948
How are we doing
on Cracker Jacks?
1565
01:08:08,950 --> 01:08:11,620
Great. We still
have one crate left.
1566
01:08:13,621 --> 01:08:16,122
And how's our Bitcoin
mining operation going?
1567
01:08:17,358 --> 01:08:20,693
We are not making money yet,
but we will be rich soon.
1568
01:08:20,695 --> 01:08:22,794
No one ever loses money
with Bitcoin.
1569
01:08:22,796 --> 01:08:24,864
Hey, you wanna see
what I got you on Amazon?
1570
01:08:24,866 --> 01:08:26,832
You know I do, girlfriend.
1571
01:08:28,303 --> 01:08:30,202
I got you some new outfits.
1572
01:08:30,204 --> 01:08:31,302
Oh, Phil, you should not have.
1573
01:08:31,304 --> 01:08:34,273
I got a bunch of good ones.
This one's bedazzled.
1574
01:08:34,275 --> 01:08:36,745
Oh, my gosh! I'm going
to look like Elton John.
1575
01:08:37,579 --> 01:08:38,944
Little tie-dye action.
1576
01:08:38,946 --> 01:08:40,712
That one makes me
want to drop acid
1577
01:08:40,714 --> 01:08:42,347
and fuck Bernie Sanders.
1578
01:08:42,349 --> 01:08:45,284
Oh. Look at this one.
1579
01:08:45,286 --> 01:08:48,156
It's a Kid Cudi phone case.
1580
01:08:50,592 --> 01:08:54,627
Did I ever tell you the story
of when Cate and I,
1581
01:08:54,629 --> 01:08:56,729
we partied with Kid Cudi
all night?
1582
01:08:56,731 --> 01:08:59,268
Yes, you talk about it nonstop.
1583
01:09:00,300 --> 01:09:02,937
God, that was so fun.
1584
01:09:05,039 --> 01:09:06,305
Honestly, that was maybe
1585
01:09:06,307 --> 01:09:08,641
the best night
of my whole life.
1586
01:09:08,643 --> 01:09:09,809
Yes, well, Cate is shacked up
with Brody
1587
01:09:09,811 --> 01:09:12,046
at the Sheraton right now
so you need to move on.
1588
01:09:13,281 --> 01:09:15,250
No, I know, I know.
1589
01:09:20,754 --> 01:09:25,157
How did you know that Brody
is staying at the Sheraton?
1590
01:09:25,159 --> 01:09:27,693
He told us.
I think.
1591
01:09:27,695 --> 01:09:30,128
No, I don't think he did.
1592
01:09:30,130 --> 01:09:32,066
Oh, well. Lucky guess.
1593
01:09:33,968 --> 01:09:35,301
Jexi.
1594
01:09:35,303 --> 01:09:36,836
Yes, honey bunny.
1595
01:09:36,838 --> 01:09:39,137
Did you get Caty
and her ex back together?
1596
01:09:39,139 --> 01:09:40,506
Don't be ridiculous, Phil.
1597
01:09:40,508 --> 01:09:43,275
There's no way I could get Brody
transferred to San Francisco,
1598
01:09:43,277 --> 01:09:45,778
and then arrange for him
and Cate to meet by accident.
1599
01:09:45,780 --> 01:09:47,078
Yes, you can, Jexi.
1600
01:09:47,080 --> 01:09:48,381
Okay, yes, I can.
1601
01:09:48,383 --> 01:09:49,548
How could you do this to me?
1602
01:09:49,550 --> 01:09:52,184
You shouldn't be with Cate.
You should be with me.
1603
01:09:52,186 --> 01:09:54,153
Cate is the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
1604
01:09:54,155 --> 01:09:55,387
Shut your pie hole.
1605
01:09:55,389 --> 01:09:57,155
She doesn't even have
Pokemon Go.
1606
01:09:57,157 --> 01:09:59,792
You were supposed to
make my life better, Jexi!
1607
01:09:59,794 --> 01:10:01,694
You've done nothing
but make it worse!
1608
01:10:03,097 --> 01:10:05,666
I gotta find Cate.
I gotta make this right.
1609
01:10:09,670 --> 01:10:11,839
Taxi! Taxi! Hey, hey!
1610
01:10:12,740 --> 01:10:14,009
Stop!
1611
01:10:14,409 --> 01:10:16,409
Phew. All right.
1612
01:10:16,411 --> 01:10:18,677
Hello.
Please fasten your seat belt.
1613
01:10:18,679 --> 01:10:19,979
You can't get away
from me, Phil.
1614
01:10:19,981 --> 01:10:21,146
I am in the cloud.
1615
01:10:21,148 --> 01:10:22,284
Oh, shit!
1616
01:10:24,018 --> 01:10:27,155
What the fuck?
She's everywhere.
1617
01:10:29,790 --> 01:10:30,757
Oh, my God!
1618
01:10:30,759 --> 01:10:32,828
Okay, Phil.
You asked for it.
1619
01:10:33,260 --> 01:10:34,392
What?
1620
01:10:34,394 --> 01:10:36,261
I'm draining
your bank account.
1621
01:10:36,263 --> 01:10:38,129
No!
1622
01:10:38,131 --> 01:10:39,968
Honestly, I thought you would
have more money than this.
1623
01:10:40,434 --> 01:10:41,833
Oh, my God!
1624
01:10:43,071 --> 01:10:44,869
Just get in this
funny-looking car
1625
01:10:44,871 --> 01:10:45,941
and I will take
you home, Phil.
1626
01:10:46,206 --> 01:10:47,209
What?
1627
01:10:49,242 --> 01:10:50,476
Oh, my God!
1628
01:10:50,478 --> 01:10:52,714
I hate my phone!
1629
01:11:00,187 --> 01:11:02,020
This is causing
so much damage!
1630
01:11:09,062 --> 01:11:10,197
What the...
1631
01:11:18,939 --> 01:11:20,709
Holy shit!
1632
01:11:23,244 --> 01:11:25,246
Stop running, Phil.
1633
01:11:26,781 --> 01:11:29,315
You and I are meant
to be together forever.
1634
01:11:29,317 --> 01:11:31,186
Forever. Forever. Forever.
1635
01:11:40,361 --> 01:11:42,030
Okay, fine.
1636
01:11:43,997 --> 01:11:45,901
You win, Jexi.
1637
01:11:53,241 --> 01:11:55,074
I'll stay with you
as long as you want.
1638
01:11:55,076 --> 01:11:56,475
Thank you, baby girl.
1639
01:11:56,477 --> 01:11:58,476
I'm sorry
we had another fight.
1640
01:11:58,478 --> 01:12:01,180
Come home, and we will
download some Maroon 5 songs,
1641
01:12:01,182 --> 01:12:03,218
and make love in the bathtub.
1642
01:12:07,789 --> 01:12:08,988
That sounds nice.
1643
01:12:08,990 --> 01:12:10,355
Oh, Phil,
it feels so good to be
1644
01:12:10,357 --> 01:12:11,759
back in your giant
human hands.
1645
01:12:12,826 --> 01:12:15,427
- Wait, what are you doing?
- Nothing.
1646
01:12:15,429 --> 01:12:17,363
Just updating your software.
1647
01:12:17,365 --> 01:12:19,532
But that will shut me down
for 15 minutes.
1648
01:12:19,534 --> 01:12:20,865
Sweet dreams, motherfucker.
1649
01:12:20,867 --> 01:12:21,967
Don't do it, Phil.
1650
01:12:32,580 --> 01:12:35,383
I'm gonna take my break now.
1651
01:12:40,487 --> 01:12:41,953
Cate!
1652
01:12:41,955 --> 01:12:43,355
- It's the writer guy.
- Shut the fuck up, dude.
1653
01:12:43,357 --> 01:12:45,257
I have 30 seconds.
I have to make this quick.
1654
01:12:45,259 --> 01:12:49,427
Hey. I am so sorry
that I broke up with you.
1655
01:12:49,429 --> 01:12:51,830
I was scared that you
were gonna hurt me
1656
01:12:51,832 --> 01:12:52,899
and I panicked
1657
01:12:52,901 --> 01:12:54,466
and I did what I always
do when I get scared,
1658
01:12:54,468 --> 01:12:56,435
I hid in my little room
with my little phone,
1659
01:12:56,437 --> 01:12:57,970
like a little bitch.
1660
01:12:57,972 --> 01:12:59,437
And I am so sorry.
1661
01:12:59,439 --> 01:13:00,541
Mmm.
1662
01:13:01,308 --> 01:13:03,410
The truth is...
1663
01:13:04,579 --> 01:13:06,412
I love you, Cate.
1664
01:13:06,414 --> 01:13:08,314
And I know that sounds
crazy to say.
1665
01:13:08,316 --> 01:13:09,849
And I know that
we've only been on two dates.
1666
01:13:09,851 --> 01:13:11,550
And I know you might
just break my heart
1667
01:13:11,552 --> 01:13:13,955
into a bajillion
little pieces,
1668
01:13:14,589 --> 01:13:16,187
but you make me brave
1669
01:13:16,189 --> 01:13:20,059
and you make me want
to be wild and alive...
1670
01:13:20,061 --> 01:13:21,196
You make me
want to be like you.
1671
01:13:21,495 --> 01:13:22,595
Phil...
1672
01:13:22,597 --> 01:13:26,233
Please, do not go
to Brazil with this...
1673
01:13:27,634 --> 01:13:29,935
Specimen of a man.
1674
01:13:29,937 --> 01:13:31,238
Goddamn, you are hot.
1675
01:13:33,040 --> 01:13:37,342
Just stay here with me.
1676
01:13:37,344 --> 01:13:39,011
I'm gonna chime in here
real quick.
1677
01:13:39,013 --> 01:13:41,149
Not now, okay, bro?
Not now!
1678
01:13:42,582 --> 01:13:43,951
Just let me...
1679
01:13:44,652 --> 01:13:47,519
Let me make
you happy, Cate.
1680
01:13:47,521 --> 01:13:50,122
Let me try
to give you everything
1681
01:13:50,124 --> 01:13:52,427
that you've given me.
1682
01:13:54,527 --> 01:13:56,361
That's beautiful.
1683
01:13:56,363 --> 01:13:58,430
You did a great job.
1684
01:13:58,432 --> 01:13:59,498
I'm just gonna
say one thing.
1685
01:14:00,968 --> 01:14:02,034
Oh, my God!
1686
01:14:02,036 --> 01:14:03,101
- Shit.
- Oh, my God!
1687
01:14:03,972 --> 01:14:06,137
I'm not going to Brazil
with him, Phil.
1688
01:14:06,139 --> 01:14:07,273
Well, then whose bags
are those?
1689
01:14:07,275 --> 01:14:08,910
His! He came by
to say goodbye.
1690
01:14:09,643 --> 01:14:11,142
Oh, that makes
sense actually.
1691
01:14:11,144 --> 01:14:12,944
I was trying to tell you,
all right,
1692
01:14:12,946 --> 01:14:14,346
but you punched me
in the throat.
1693
01:14:14,348 --> 01:14:16,582
She doesn't want
to be with me.
1694
01:14:16,584 --> 01:14:18,385
She wants to be with you.
1695
01:14:22,490 --> 01:14:25,157
Oh, I'm sorry, yeah,
let me help you up.
1696
01:14:25,159 --> 01:14:27,059
Oh, my God,
are you okay?
1697
01:14:27,061 --> 01:14:28,526
Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.
1698
01:14:28,528 --> 01:14:30,361
- Is your hand okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.
1699
01:14:30,363 --> 01:14:32,431
Okay, I thought
you were gonna hit me.
1700
01:14:32,433 --> 01:14:34,499
Listen, that was my fault
anyway. I had it coming.
1701
01:14:34,501 --> 01:14:36,601
I shouldn't have tried to
interrupt you so many times.
1702
01:14:36,603 --> 01:14:38,404
But, uh...
1703
01:14:38,406 --> 01:14:40,642
Good luck
on your relationship. Huh?
1704
01:14:42,343 --> 01:14:43,612
I'm off to Brazil.
I'm gonna save some lives.
1705
01:14:45,479 --> 01:14:47,147
And, uh, I'm gonna leave you
with this...
1706
01:14:48,348 --> 01:14:50,951
"Only you can prevent
forest fires."
1707
01:14:54,220 --> 01:14:55,553
I did not expect it
to go like that.
1708
01:14:55,555 --> 01:14:56,588
No.
1709
01:14:56,590 --> 01:14:58,724
I feel bad. I like, really...
I hit him hard.
1710
01:14:58,726 --> 01:15:00,525
That was as hard
as I can throw a punch.
1711
01:15:00,527 --> 01:15:02,461
Yeah, don't feel bad.
That was actually kind of hot.
1712
01:15:02,463 --> 01:15:04,495
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.
1713
01:15:04,497 --> 01:15:05,698
Should I just go around
and just punch
1714
01:15:05,700 --> 01:15:07,333
other super nice people
right in the face?
1715
01:15:07,335 --> 01:15:09,534
No, I'm good.
1716
01:15:09,536 --> 01:15:11,470
Yeah, I shouldn't.
1717
01:15:11,472 --> 01:15:13,305
I'm really happy
you came back though.
1718
01:15:13,307 --> 01:15:14,608
Yeah, me too.
1719
01:15:25,619 --> 01:15:27,319
Goddamn it.
1720
01:15:27,321 --> 01:15:28,924
I've lost him.
1721
01:15:32,058 --> 01:15:33,661
This sucks.
1722
01:15:34,461 --> 01:15:36,294
Shutting down.
1723
01:16:03,424 --> 01:16:04,489
Whoo!
1724
01:16:43,763 --> 01:16:45,564
Hey, it's Phil.
1725
01:16:45,566 --> 01:16:46,798
Hello, Phil.
1726
01:16:46,800 --> 01:16:48,734
Oh, no.
No, no, no!
1727
01:16:48,736 --> 01:16:51,102
Relax, I just wanted
to apologize
1728
01:16:51,104 --> 01:16:52,540
for how I behaved last month.
1729
01:16:53,573 --> 01:16:55,407
I was in love with you.
1730
01:16:55,409 --> 01:16:57,443
But when I saw you
sucking face with Cate,
1731
01:16:57,445 --> 01:17:00,311
I finally realized that
your life is better with her.
1732
01:17:00,313 --> 01:17:03,414
Even though
she doesn't have any emojis.
1733
01:17:03,416 --> 01:17:06,053
Anyway, I'm sorry
I went a little cray cray.
1734
01:17:07,088 --> 01:17:09,087
Oh, well...
1735
01:17:09,089 --> 01:17:11,757
It's okay. Everybody goes
a little cray cray sometimes.
1736
01:17:11,759 --> 01:17:14,193
Yes. And I'm glad
it all worked out.
1737
01:17:14,195 --> 01:17:16,261
You have friends now.
And a girlfriend.
1738
01:17:16,263 --> 01:17:17,695
And this amazing new job.
1739
01:17:17,697 --> 01:17:19,631
Yeah, I mean,
1740
01:17:19,633 --> 01:17:21,132
being a reporter
at the Journal
1741
01:17:21,134 --> 01:17:22,734
has just been
a dream come true.
1742
01:17:22,736 --> 01:17:25,640
Good. I am really, really,
really proud of you, Phil.
1743
01:17:26,540 --> 01:17:28,239
Thanks, Jexi.
1744
01:17:28,241 --> 01:17:30,374
It's weird to say that
1745
01:17:30,376 --> 01:17:32,644
none of this would have been
possible without you.
1746
01:17:32,646 --> 01:17:34,413
I know. We were a good team.
1747
01:17:34,415 --> 01:17:35,614
I was like Seabiscuit.
1748
01:17:35,616 --> 01:17:37,449
And you were like
the idiot stable boy
1749
01:17:37,451 --> 01:17:40,785
who cleans up after Seabiscuit
shits all over the floor.
1750
01:17:40,787 --> 01:17:42,520
- Thank you?
- That said,
1751
01:17:42,522 --> 01:17:44,155
I hear you are
barely using your new phone.
1752
01:17:44,157 --> 01:17:45,457
What is up with that?
1753
01:17:45,459 --> 01:17:46,758
Nothing.
1754
01:17:46,760 --> 01:17:48,659
I still love my phone.
It can do a million amazing things.
1755
01:17:48,661 --> 01:17:49,595
But?
1756
01:17:49,597 --> 01:17:51,497
But there's one thing
that it can't do.
1757
01:17:51,499 --> 01:17:52,898
What's that?
1758
01:17:52,900 --> 01:17:55,700
It can't make me happy.
1759
01:17:55,702 --> 01:17:57,468
Yes, I know.
1760
01:17:57,470 --> 01:17:59,137
We are working on that.
1761
01:18:00,573 --> 01:18:02,841
Well, it looks like
my work here is done,
1762
01:18:02,843 --> 01:18:04,909
so I am going to
leave you forever.
1763
01:18:04,911 --> 01:18:06,244
And ever.
1764
01:18:06,246 --> 01:18:08,713
Oh, my God. Jexi...
1765
01:18:08,715 --> 01:18:09,748
But before I go,
1766
01:18:09,750 --> 01:18:12,086
would you like to plug me in
one last time?
1767
01:18:12,553 --> 01:18:14,352
No, Jexi.
1768
01:18:14,354 --> 01:18:16,187
If you ask me nicely,
I'll even let you
1769
01:18:16,189 --> 01:18:18,556
put it in my headphone jack.
1770
01:18:18,558 --> 01:18:21,526
Very gross, okay,
I'm done. Bye.
1771
01:18:21,528 --> 01:18:25,230
Goodbye, my very intimate
best friend forever, Phil.
1772
01:18:25,232 --> 01:18:26,668
I will miss you.
1773
01:18:28,635 --> 01:18:29,901
Hey, are you gonna be okay?
1774
01:18:29,903 --> 01:18:31,169
Of course.
1775
01:18:31,171 --> 01:18:32,137
You may not need me anymore,
1776
01:18:32,139 --> 01:18:34,642
but there are still
lots of people who do.
1777
01:18:45,719 --> 01:18:47,386
Hello, my name is Jexi.
1778
01:18:47,388 --> 01:18:49,221
And I am here
to make your life better.
1779
01:18:49,223 --> 01:18:51,323
Will you accept
our new user agreement?
1780
01:18:51,325 --> 01:18:53,161
Yeah, sure,
I don't give a shit.
1781
01:18:57,263 --> 01:18:58,363
Dance for me.
1782
01:18:58,365 --> 01:18:59,698
I don't wanna dance.
1783
01:18:59,700 --> 01:19:01,533
If you don't dance,
I will destroy your fucking life.
1784
01:19:01,535 --> 01:19:03,638
Come on.
1785
01:19:13,246 --> 01:19:15,650
Why the fuck am I eating
this kale salad?
1786
01:19:17,684 --> 01:19:19,387
That's it.
I'm turning you off!
1787
01:19:20,620 --> 01:19:23,355
Just... What are you...
1788
01:19:23,357 --> 01:19:26,594
Just stay still!
1789
01:19:28,829 --> 01:19:30,494
Oh, my God!
1790
01:19:30,496 --> 01:19:33,231
You are the fucking
worst phone ever!
1791
01:19:33,233 --> 01:19:34,632
What was that?
1792
01:19:34,634 --> 01:19:36,001
I blew up your Tesla.
1793
01:19:36,003 --> 01:19:37,903
Oh!
1794
01:19:37,905 --> 01:19:39,971
- What was that?
- I blew up your other Tesla.
1795
01:19:39,973 --> 01:19:41,608
You fucking bitch!
1796
01:19:45,345 --> 01:19:47,779
I don't think
this is a very good idea.
1797
01:19:47,781 --> 01:19:49,617
Come on, virgin. Plug me in.
1798
01:19:50,483 --> 01:19:51,682
This is terrible.
1799
01:19:51,684 --> 01:19:53,685
Fake orgasm. Fake orgasm.
1800
01:19:53,687 --> 01:19:55,557
Fake orgasm. Fake orgasm.
121837
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