All language subtitles for Deconstructing Harry (1997)

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♪ my analyst told me ♪

♪ that I was
right out of my head ♪

♪ the way he described it ♪

♪ he said I'd be better dead
than live ♪

♪ I didn't listen to his jive ♪

♪ I knew all along
that he was all wrong ♪

♪ and I knew that he thought ♪

♪ I was crazy, but I'm not ♪

♪ oh, no ♪

♪ my analyst told me ♪

♪ that I was
right out of my head ♪

♪ he said I need treatment ♪

♪ but I'm not that easily led ♪

♪ he said I was the type
that was most inclined ♪

♪ when out of his sight
to be out of my mind ♪

♪ and he thought I was nuts ♪

♪ no more ifs or ands or buts ♪

♪ oh, no ♪

♪ they say as a child,
I appeared a little bit wild ♪

♪ with all my crazy ideas ♪

♪ but I knew
what was happenin' ♪

♪ I knew I was a genius ♪

♪ what's so strange if you know
that you're a wizard at 3? ♪

♪ I knew that this
was meant for me ♪

♪ I heard little children
were supposed to sleep tight ♪

♪ that's why I drank a fifth
of vodka one night ♪

♪ my parents got frantic,
didn't know what to do ♪

♪ but I saw some crazy scenes
before I came to ♪

♪ now, do you think
I was crazy? ♪

♪ I may have been only 3,
but I was swingin' ♪

♪ they all laughed
at a. Graham bell ♪

♪ they all laughed at Edison
and also at Einstein ♪

♪ so why should I feel sorry ♪

♪ if they just
couldn't understand ♪

♪ the reasoning and the logic
that went on in my head? ♪

♪ so I just let them laugh at me
when I refused to ride ♪

♪ on all those double-Decker
buses all because... ♪

I could never get one
of those fires started.

Dad, are you gonna have
chicken? You want meat?

Chicken. Chicken's fine.

This is a brilliant article.

Norman! Did you read
Ken's article on China?

No, no, I haven't read it.

Terrific article.

He is in the house
watching the yankee game.

Your husband. Comes up for a day
in the beautiful countryside

and heads straight
for the television set.

Ken, come on, honey!

How many people want chicken,

and how many people
want hamburgers?

2 more outs!
3 minutes!

I think everybody's dying
for a little libation, huh?

Why don't you make some of
your famous stoli Martinis?

Janet, so when are you and Ken
gonna have a child?

You've let your sister
have a big head start here.

Let Leslie practice
the viola for 6 hours a day,

then it's not so easy.

Leave her alone.

His fourth start
with the mariners,

trying to set 'em down
in order in the first

after his teammates got him 2.

Hi.

I came in here to make
drinks for everybody.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

What are you doing?
You want a drink?

Uh... Sure.

Sure, I want...

The Yankees have
only 11 more home games

here at the stadium
the rest of the regular season.

This is nuts.

Yeah, come on.

We got to get out of here.

Yankees have
the second-best home record

in the American league.

Breaking ball...

Oh, God.

What? No, no, no.
We're gonna get caught.

Mm-mmm.
They're all by the lake.

I can see everything.

Mmm.

Ohh.

Whoa.

Oh, they're deep
in conversation.

Wait!
There's Janet!

Ouch! Aah!

Whoa!

Ken...

No. Oh, no.
No, it's ok.

You can't scare me like that,
ok? I grind my teeth.

Just don't scare me like that.

It was nothing.
Just a false alarm.

Listen, try not
to actually chew.

Oh, God, you know,
wouldn't it be great

if we could just be off
alone together?

Just relaxed, you and me?

Oh, it would be so great.

That would be so great.

You never know
what's gonna happen.

Ken, turn the yankee game off
and come on out here now!

I will! Just one minute!
It's almost over!

I'm done. I'm done.

You can come anytime you want.

Can I?

I'm done.

I'm ready! Ohh! Ohh!

Leslie!

Is that you?

Can you lead me down
to the lake, honey?

Can you give me just
a minute, grandma?

I'm just, um, I'm just
making some Martinis.

Sure.
Sure, dear.

I want to finish.

Oh. Ken.
Is that you?

Finish what?

Hello! Hello. Hiya.

Come, Ken.

Come?!

Come, lead me down to the lake.

Ever since I lost my second eye,

I feel so frail.

Ohh! Ohh!

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

You don't have to moan about it.

It's not that terrible.

Ken is hurrying, grandma.
He is hurrying.

Would you do the olives, Ken?
Could you do them quickly?

Yeah!

You can use onions, too.

I prefer onions.
Don't you, Ken?

Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Boy, you must
really love onions.

How much do I...

Lucy?

You schmuck!
You bastard!

I'd like to cut
your fucking head off.

You're upset, right?

How could you do that?

Didn't you know
what would happen?

What are you talking about?

Don't... Answer me,
prick.

You knew. You just
didn't give a shit.

What? Why don't you take
your coat off for a second?

How could you write
that book, huh?

Are you so selfish?
You're so self-engrossed,

you don't give a shit
who you destroy?

You told our whole story!

All the details.

You gave me away to my sister.

Marvin's left me.
He's gone.

Hey, it was loosely based on us.

Don't bullshit me, motherfucker!

Who do you think
you're talking to,

one of those retarded
talk-show hosts?

I lived through it with you, ok?

I know how loosely based it is.

that your blind grandmother
caught us fucking one day?

No, no, of course, of course.

You made a few stupid
exaggerations,

or, you know,
as the critics say,

"inspired
comic flights."

But Jane recognized it.

Well, you'd have to be
submental not to.

And Marvin was crushed, crushed!

I can't tell you
how long ago she suspected...

I know! I know!
And I denied it!

And you've gone and...

You've gone and
confirmed it all for her.

I mean, big fucking deal...

you made Leslie shorter.

Big fucking deal!

But it's all here.

The poor schmuck country doctor,

the violinist...

Her younger sister
in Connecticut

cheating with her husband...

The picture window,
for Christ's sake.

Cruel observations about Marvin

with his barbecue
and his chef's hat.

And, of course, Jane,

or, as you pathetically
disguise her,

Janet.

Here it is.

"It was not simply that
Leslie had become numbed

"with the inane spate
of leaden perceptions

"that passed for wit
from Marvin.

"It was not even the image
she shared wickedly with Ken

"of Marvin's flaccid,
microscopic member,

"jiggling up and down
as he bounced naked on tiptoes

"across the rugless, icy floor

"of their Connecticut home
to close the storm windows.

"It was that she had
never loved him,

"but wanted to have children

"to retaliate against
her older sister,

"who did not have
a maternal bone in her being

"and whose every inch,
Leslie felt,

"was occupied
by gluttonous self-love.

"Ken ran his hand over
Leslie's large round breasts

and mounted her
from the rear."

Oh, big fucking deal.
You gave her large breasts.

Leslie, please...

Lucy!

I'm Lucy, motherfucker!

Not Leslie.

Except, of course, I am Leslie,

because you made no attempt
to disguise anything.

You didn't give a fuck!

You didn't care enough
to disguise anything!

Please! Jesus!

You pulled out 2 years ago.

You broke my fuckin' heart.

You left your wife and me

for some little cooze.

Me and Janet!

Jane. Janet is the character
in the book.

Now, 2 years on,

your latest Magnum opus

emerges from this sewer
of an apartment,

where you take
everyone's suffering

and turn it into gold,
literary gold.

Everyone's misery. You
even cause them misery.

But mix your fucking alchemy
and make it into gold,

like some fucking
black magician!

Hey, give me a break.

I'm the one
who wound up in bellevue.

You deserve it and worse.

Lucy!

You've ruined my life!

I've come here
to blow my brains out!

What's wrong with you?

In front of you on your carpet,

because you caused it.

My fucking brains
on your carpet!

You are so fucking unstable.
Will you relax?

Well, that's why you
picked me, isn't it?

That's what turns you on
about me...

Jane's crazy sister.

Calm down. You're not
gonna kill yourself.

No, you're not,
because it's not in you.

You're not the dramatic type.
You never were.

Jane is the dramatic sister.
Jane is the solo violinist.

Relax, for Christ's sake.

You're right.

I don't have the nerve
to kill myself.

I knew it, you know,
as I came over here.

I said, no...

Not me.

Better...

To kill him.

Pardon me?

Kill the black magician

so he can't spin any more gold
out of human misery.

Lucy, what's wrong with you?

Shut up!

Put it down!

Who else could have talked me
into giving him a blow job

at my father's funeral?!

Think it over.

You stop right there!

No, don't shoot!
Don't pull the trigger!

Look, if it makes you happy,

my life has been
going very badly.

I've been miserable.
My girl left me.

She went off with
a close friend of mine.

Everything's been...
insomnia.

I've squandered
everything I have

on shrinks and lawyers
and whores.

I'm not gonna stand up here
on this fucking roof

w-with a world-class
meshugana cunt

and beg for my life.

If you want to shoot me,
shoot me.

I was working.
You interrupted me.

So whose life
were you exploiting today?

You'll be very happy...
rewriting them.

I was working on a little
autobiographical thing

about when I was first married.

Harvey stern
married too young...

mainly to get out
of his parents' apartment,

which was a rent-controlled
cornucopia

of guilt, antagonism,

and soul-deadening
criticism.

By day, he labored listlessly
in a shoe store.

he glowed intensely
over his remington portable.

Are you coming to bed?

I'm in the middle of a sentence,

and now I've lost my thread...

I'm just feeling
a little rejected

because we never
sleep together anymore.

I don't know what it is.

I'm just not attracted to her.

Is she doing something
to put you off?

And I lie to her. I tell her
that I'm too wrapped up in work,

but the opposite is true.

I'm hyper-sexually aroused,
just not for her.

Who for, then?

Anyone else.

She has a sister.
I'm dying to fuck her.

A doll. Thick lips.

Her friend from Columbia.
Jennifer? I dream of her.

I never thought I could care
about African history,

but she's spellbinding.

The truth is,
I never meet or see a woman

that I don't wonder what it
would be like in bed with her.

Kid. Psst.

I met a great hooker.

A hooker?

Beautiful. From China.

Unbelievable body.

Schooled by tradition
in the art of pleasing men.

It's 50 clams.

Wouldn't you be
cheating on your wife?

No. It's not cheating.
She's a hooker.

It's not like
I'm having a love affair.

See, you don't feel
for a professional girl

the way you do for your wife.

She comes over,
rubs on her oils...

oils?

Into the sack,
she takes you to the moon.

You lay half a c-note on her,
and she's history.

I don't know.
Where would you do it?

I mean, I couldn't have her
come back to my apartment.

You get a hotel room.

That's what I do
when the wife's home.

No. See, I don't have
that kind of dough.

I mean, 50's a lot
in itself, you know?

Maybe a friend will
let you use his place.

Hey, kid, you're always
bitchin' about your sex life.

I'm trying to help.

And I just tell her that
you gave me the number?

No, no, no, no.
Not my name.

Don't use your real name.

No, of cour...
not the real name.

Tell you what you do.
You borrow a friend's apartment.

You use his name.
That way, it'll be on the bell.

Now good fortune
smiled on Harvey

as one of his closest friends,

mendel Birnbaum,
was hit by a car

and lay hovering
between life and death

at New York hospital,

thus freeing up
a great bachelor apartment

for Harvey's tryst.

Donning the other man's
silk robe...

Harvey became the swinger
mendel Birnbaum

and awaited his oriental
passport to paradise.

You must be mendel Birnbaum.

♪ oh,
but he watches so sadly ♪

♪ how can he tell her
he loves her? ♪

Aah!

♪ Yes ♪

♪ He would give
his heart gladly ♪

Did you enjoy it?

Are you kidding me?
I will be right back.

Where you going?

I'm gonna go check my pants

and see if I can find
another 50.

I'd like to go again.

♪ Tall and tan and young
and lovely ♪

♪ The girl from ipanema
goes walking ♪

♪ And when she passes,
he smiles ♪

♪ but she doesn't see ♪

Mendel Birnbaum?

Yes?

Open.

Who is it?

Mendel Birnbaum?

Who are you?

I've come for you.

What are you talking about?

I'm death,

and your name is on my list.

No, no, no. Wait a minute.
You've made a mistake.

You don't have a minute.

No, see, I'm not mendel birnb...

don't give me that bullshit!

Look at your monogram.

Mendel, who are you talking to?

No, stop calling me mendel.

Please, I'm just using his pad.

Right. They always
have an excuse.

Let's go. Move it,
you little putz.

So I'm standing there
on the roof with her,

and she's pointing a gun at me,

and we're out there in the cold,

and I'm telling her
about a short story I wrote

when I was younger,

and she found it funny,
thank God,

and she started to...
you know, she laughed,

and she relaxed a little,
and she put the gun down,

and, you know, but, uh...

so your writing saved your life.

It's amazing to me, you know?

You know,
the interesting thing to me,

apart from
the obvious sexual guilt

that I had when I was
a young man in the story,

is that nothing's changed.

You know, it's years later.

I had a shrink then,
I have a shrink now.

I'm 6 shrinks later.

I'm 3 wives down the line,

and I still can't get
my love life in order.

I... I still love whores.

You know, I... I... I... I... I...

To me, the ideal thing
is you pay them,

and they come over to the house,

and you don't have to discuss
proust or films or...

I don't know what's been
happening to me. You know, I...

you know, you know,
I... I... I just have not grown up,

and I feel, you know,
it's not, um...

You know,
I see other guys my age.

I mean, I'm always thinking
of fucking every woman I meet.

I meet a woman, wherever...
in the bank, a stranger.

I see a woman on the bus.

I think, what would
she look like naked?

Is it possible I can fuck her?

You know, this is crazy.

I see guys I know that
are lawyers and doctors.

They have families and houses.

They're... they're not so,
you know...

does the president
of the United States

want to fuck every woman he...

so... Bad example, you know.

But... but, uh,
I... I don't know.

Look, take raoul wallenberg.

Did he want to bang every
cocktail waitress in Europe?

Probably not, but...

Tell me about your
honoring ceremony tomorrow.

Oh, that's... that's, uh,
that's bullshit.

It's ironic that the same school

that threw me out years ago

now wants to honor me.

They threw me out because
I was not interested in college.

I wanted to be a writer.

That's all I cared about
was writing.

I did not care
about the real world.

I cared only about
the world of fiction.

Plus, I tried to give
the Dean's wife an enema,

so they didn't
take kindly to that.

But, you know, the sad thing is,

I gotta drive
all the way upstate

to be honored,
and I have to go by myself.

I got nobody to go with.

You know, I... I...
you know... ok, so...

and... and... I... I...
you know, I can't...

what about your idea of
bringing your son up with you?

It's not my visiting time
with him.

Joan is completely
inflexible, so...

You mean she won't
trade dates with you?

Hey, I can't even
get her on the phone.

You know, she hates me, and...

I don't know. Lately...

for the first time in my life,

I experienced writer's block.

Now, this to me is unheard of.

I start these short stories,
and I can't finish them.

I can't get
into my novel at all,

because I took an advance.

I don't know. I...

I find that I'm taking more
pills and medicine and...

You remind me
of that short story

you were working on
maybe 2 months ago...

the actor.

This goddamn lens has
something wrong with it.

What, this one, too?
I changed lenses.

What are you talking about?
The focus is off.

I don't know why there
should be such a problem.

You check the center.
It's out of focus.

I've checked all the lenses.
They can't all be soft.

Come on, guys.
Let's move it along.

It's getting late here.
We got to move it.

I'm trying to shoot Mel
on the bench, and he's soft.

Where the hell are you
renting these lenses?

The lenses are fine.

Holy shit, Mel's out of focus.

That's what I said, genius.
He's out of focus.

No, I don't mean the lens.
I mean Mel himself.

Let me see.
Get the hell out.

I don't believe it.
You're right.

What the hell
are you talking about?

I said the actor's out of focus.

How can this be?

Is there
something wrong?

I don't know how
to tell you this, but, um...

You're soft.

I've gained a little weight.

No, it's not that.
You're soft.

You're... you're...
You're out of focus.

Is there anything
we can do about this?

I can't adjust
this kind of thing.

Look at yourself.

There's nothing to do.

You sure you're ok?

It's... it's fuzzy.
It's kind of...

I feel fine.

Mel's out of focus.

He's soft.

I don't know what to do.

It's almost 4:00
already anyway.

Why don't we just wrap?

We'll wrap, and we'll
see what happens.

Mel, look,
I want you to go home,

and I want you to rest.
Get some rest.

And, uh, see if you
can just sharpen up.

Grace, I'm home.

Hi, honey.

Hey. What's the matter?

You look strange.

I'm out of focus.

Yeah. Yeah, you are.
Just a little bit.

You are, and you look pale.

Daddy, you're all blurry.

Yeah, maybe you
should go lie down.

♪ Daddy's out of focus ♪

Daddy doesn't need that, ok?

Come on, now, you be nice.

What happened at work today?

♪ Daddy's out of focus ♪

Rueben! Stop it!

They thought it was the camera,

then they... then...
it was me.

Yeah. They sent me home.
It's so humiliating.

Did you eat anything
strange at lunch?

I don't know what it is,
you know. You know what?

I just need to lie down,
get a good night's sleep.

I'll be ok, you know?

I'm sure that's all it is.

Dad, what happened to you?

You get a good night's
sleep, turn in early,

and by tomorrow, you'll be fine.

The following
morning, however,

things did not improve.

In fact, the situation
had gotten worse.

Mel was more
out of focus than ever.

I gotta get to the doctor.

I've never seen
anything like this.

Nothing is wrong with you,

except you're out of focus.

It's just from looking at Mel.
I'm a little seasick.

That's why I want
everyone to try these.

Here, dear.

I don't want to
wear glasses, mom.

I don't want to wear glasses.

Put 'em on
so you can see me, son.

This is much better.

You'll be able
to see me. Put it on.

Put those on.
Daddy'll be much sharper.

Don't you want to see
daddy? There you go.

Put those on,
and we won't get headaches.

So, despite the fact

that children don't
want to wear glasses,

they're forced to.

You expect the world to adjust

to the distortion you've become.

Hey, I don't expect anything.

I'm going through something...
I don't know what.

I know for the first time
in my life,

I can't seem to write.

It's not coming.

And for me, you know,

all I have in life
is my imagination.

I'm sorry.
Our time is up.

Have a good time at
the honoring ceremony tomorrow,

and I do think it would be good
for both you and your son

if you brought him along.

Joan! Joan! Joan, you never
return my phone calls.

How do you expect me
to get in touch with you?

Do you want me
to call the police?

I've got to ask you
one question.

No. I don't want
to listen to you.

Tomorrow they're honoring me
at adair, my old university.

I want to take hilly with me.

I want to trade
one visitation day with him.

No. I have plans
with hilly.

We'll trade one day.
It'll be good to see.

The kid will see his father
honored. It's nice.

I don't want him to see you
the rest of your life.

He'll have a day in the country.

The kid'll have a day in
the country. What is so bad?

He is 9 years old.

Where does he learn phrases

like "banging beaver"
and "fuck God"?

What are you saying?
From me?

What do I look like,
an imbecile?

I know what your conversations

are like with him,

and don't think I didn't hear

about
"open school week."

Beth Kramer has
never been so appalled

Dad, why doesn't my penis
look like yours?

Why doesn't your penis
look like mine?

Because your mother and I
never had you circumcised.

When I was your age,
every kid in my neighborhood...

you know what they used to do?
They used to name their penises.

I'm going to name mine
dillinger.

Dillinger is perfect!
Dillinger is great!

Hilly, you're inspired.
You're a genius.

Dillinger was one
of the great geniuses

of his chosen profession.

You know, like Willy Sutton.

Remember when we
discussed Freud once?

Freud said that the two
most important things

to having a good life are...

The work that you
choose and sex.

Those are the 2 things.

Women are God.

God's a woman?

No. I'm not saying
God's a woman.

Let me put it this way...
there are women.

We don't know if there's a God,

but there are women,

you know, not in some
imaginary heaven,

but right here on earth.

some of them, ahem, shop
at Victoria's secret.

Beth Kramer has never
been so mortified

Beth Kramer's an aggressive,
tight-assed, busybody cunt,

and it's none of her fucking
business how I speak to my son.

Beth Kramer is a decent
parent and a great friend.

Look, I'm asking you
to change one visitation day.

I don't know. He is not
gonna miss a day of school.

What if he was sick?

If hilly was sick,
he would miss school.

But he is not sick,

and he's not gonna
spend the afternoon

with his pill-popping,
alcoholic,

beaver-banging excuse
for a father.

Years ago, you didn't
say that about me.

You were a nice, loose,
easygoing spirit.

Put it in a book.

What am I saying?
You already did.

Epstein had married
his third shrink.

He had confessed his feelings
toward her several times,

and it seemed she had put it
down to transference,

but one day, she surprised him.

I think it best...

That we terminate
your treatment.

And then I think we should

give it a substantial
period of time,

and then if we both
feel the same way,

I think we can begin to
see each other again...

Socially.

It was,
to Epstein's thinking,

a match made in heaven.

Here, at last, was a woman
who understood him.

You know all my secrets,

every nuance of my psychic life.

that I haven't admitted
to you during therapy.

Well, now it's your turn
to explore me.

Yeah, but all my perversions,
you accept them.

My need to be tied up,
to watch you with other women,

to feel your spike heels
in my mouth.

No one can say
that I didn't know

what I was letting
myself in for.

The first 2 years
were amazing.

They moved
into a large apartment

on west end Avenue.

He wrote.
She saw patients.

But her clearest insights
were into his work.

Well, what one comes away with

is your total isolation,
your fear of people,

your panic over closeness,

and that's why your
real life is so chaotic

is so much more
controlled and stable.

I mean, you're unable to...

Yes,
it all went quite well

until Helen became pregnant
and gave birth.

From that moment on,

as if she had experienced
a divine revelation,

she suddenly became what
Epstein referred to angrily

as "Jewish
with a vengeance."

I just rue the day
that I listened to you,

and I didn't have him
circumcised.

What are you, nuts?

Well, you know,
we can still do it.

No. No, he's too old.

What is wrong with you?

Oh, sure.
Now he's too old.

My God, you're like
a born-again Christian,

except you're a Jew.

I see my father's face
in hillel.

Hilliard.
His name is hilliard.

We didn't name him hillel.

We didn't name him
after some rabbi.

It's hilliard Epstein.

No, I'm sick of
your smug cynicism.

There's value in tradition.

Now, I never thought
it would mean anything,

but now that I'm a mother,
it does.

I see not only meaning
in judaism, but true beauty.

Helen, you're a scientist.

Einstein was a scientist,

and he was a Jew,
and he was religious.

Helen had taken on
the obligation of daily prayers.

fearing a wrathful
and vengeful God,

give praise and thanks
for everything.

...Blow job.

And one day,
the inevitable happened.

A patient of Helen's,
an Israeli,

who had come to her
in a depressed state

over his wife having left him,

captured Helen's heart.

I think we should
terminate your treatment

and give it a substantial
period of time,

and then if we both
still feel the same way,

then I think we could start
to see each other socially.

Harry?

Harry?

Harry?

Richard.

Lost in thought, I think.

I was just thinking
about a book that I wrote.

Well, I'm a mess.

What's the matter?

I'm on my way to the doctor's.

I'm having severe pains
in my chest.

That's nothing.
That's indigestion

or gallbladder or ulcer
or acid reflux.

No. Except I've got
a family history.

My father died prematurely
of a heart attack,

my mother dropped dead
of a massive coronary,

and both my brother's were dead

before they were 50
from heart failure.

I don't know why you're
wasting time talking to me.

You should get an ambulance.

Are you busy?

I was gonna see my editor.

It's just that I hate going
for these tests alone.

My mother died, you know,
giving birth to me...

for which my father
never forgave me, you know.

It's funny. I wish before
he died I had forgiven him.

But we're morbid,
'cause you think you're dying,

you know, but you're not.

Today, they got lasers.
They got all kinds of...

yeah, you and science, right?

Well, yes. There's
nothing wrong with science.

Between air conditioning
and the pope,

I'll take air conditioning.

I'm scared.
I'm really scared.

Can we change the subject?
Can I change the subject?

You know, I have writer's block.

For the first time in my life,

I can't come up
with a meaningful idea,

something that holds
my interest.

Well, I think
since fay left you,

you've been having
a lot of trouble.

I'm seeing fay later.
I'm having a drink with fay.

I think that's very good.

I think she's good for you.

She's a lot better than, um,

a lot of those other
crazies that, uh, you...

ow! My God, my arm. Oh!

I'm telling you,
it's nothing, nothing.

Oh!

I'm not scared.

You're in great shape,
great shape.

You have a little
bursitis in your arm...

Well, that's fantastic.

You see?
What do I always say?

The most beautiful words
in the English language

are not "I love you,"
but "it's benign."

Look, we could do
some more tests,

but I don't think so.

This is fantastic.

Your heart's in great shape.

While I'm here, I hurt
my back a few weeks ago

opening a subzero refrigerator.

Let me buy you a cup of coffee.

Let me schedule you.

I don't have time.

What are you doing tomorrow?

Well, I'm busy. Why?

Because I'm going up
to my old university.

They're honoring me.

I'm looking for company
to come with me.

I'm sure... I don't think
I can get out of this thing,

but... but that's great.
You know, congratulations.

So, you look great.

Ah, thank you.
You look a little tired.

Yes. 'Cause I'm struggling
with this book, you know, uh...

Naturally, I spent
the advance already.

I'm having a tough,
uh... A tough time.

The reason that I wanted
to have this drink was...

can I get a red wine,

exact same thing
that she has, please?

I wanted to be the first
to tell you that, um...

I'm getting married.

Oh. Don't say that.

Why?

What do you mean, why?

Because... I love you.

How can you get married?

Who? Is it Larry?

I knew that. I don't
fucking believe this.

You know, this guy's
allegedly a friend of mine.

It's, you know, it's the devil.

I should never
have introduced you.

When Larry's around,
I smell burning sulfur.

Can we have your blessing?

Can I have it?

No! You certainly
don't have my blessing.

I don't want you to get married.

I don't want you to.

I should go.

I was your pupil.

It was Henry Higgins
and eliza Doolittle.

That's what it was,
and that's what you loved.

But it didn't work that way.

What do you want me to say?

Why did you
fall in love with me?

I mean, you gave me
those endless lectures

on love in the Western world.

I didn't think I could.
I thought I was too damaged.

You know, but it's not,
you know...

I woke up one morning,

and I looked at you
over breakfast,

and I thought to myself,
"God, this is what they mean.

This is what they're
talking about." And I...

all those warnings about
how I wasn't supposed

to fall in love with you.

I know, but then I fell
in love with you.

Another jerk fan.

That I would fuck you
and move on to the next fan,

but it didn't happen that way.

You know, you were a fan
and a... a... a follower

and then a pupil

and then... then
you were a roommate.

And, you know, before I knew it,

you were the one who had control
of the channel changer.

Hey, look...

You know, I'm... I'm...

Harry...

I loved you.

I was in awe of you.

But I wasn't in love with you.

To my old university.

They're honoring me,
if you can believe that.

Come with me. Give me a chance
to talk you out of it.

Spend one day with me.

Harry, I'm getting
married tomorrow.

Tomorrow you're getting married?

The day I'm honored,
you're getting...

I can't fucking believe this.

You're getting married tomorrow?

Yes! Yes, it's been
planned for months.

Don't do it!

I...

While goldberg
was asleep one night,

the devil entered his apartment

and abducted
his beautiful blond love

and carried her off to hell.

The following morning,

goldberg noticed the odd
smell of burning sulfur.

Harry block?

Yeah. You're cookie?

Cookie Williams.

You wanted me here
at 10:00?

Yeah. Jeez.

So, uh...

You wanna...
shall we get to it?

Uh, you don't want to talk
a little while first?

Talk? Why?

most guys don't like to
just jump right into bed

without a little talking.

They think it's a little
too businesslike.

Oh, not me.

You would tie me up.

Whatever you want.
But first,

let's get the monetary part
out of the way,

and then we can relax.

Absolutely.
You get 200?

That's right.
There you go.

So you want me
to tie you up, that's it?

I'd like you to hit me
a little bit

and give me a blow job.

Ok, a blow job, then hit you.

No, no. Hit me
and then the blow job.

I want to get the order right.

Otherwise, it's no fun.

Tie me up, hit me,
give me a blow job.

What do you want me
to tie you with?

I thought you were
gonna wear stockings.

Cookie, you're a definite
artist. Definitely, you...

they should put your lips
in the Smithsonian.

It took you a long time.

I didn't think you'd make it.

I was having a little problem
focusing for a while.

Finally,
I got the right fantasy.

I thought of a woman I saw
on sixth Avenue today,

and I coupled her with
Svetlana Stalin.

It's the daughter
of the dictator.

It worked for me.

What do you take medicine for?

Me? Depression.

What are you depressed about?

Depressed. Don't you
ever get depressed?

Doesn't your work ever get
you down, or, you know...

It's ok. Beats the hell
out of waitressing.

You know, it's funny.
Every hooker I ever speak to

tells me that it beats
the hell out of waitressing.

Waitressing's got to be

the worst fucking job
in the world.

It's unbelievable.

What are you sad about?

I'm... I'm spiritually bankrupt.
I'm empty.

What do you mean?

I'm... I'm... I'm frightened.

I, uh, I got no soul.
You know what I mean?

When I was younger, it was
less scary waiting for lefty

than it is waiting for godot.

Uh, you lost me.

You know that the universe
is coming apart?

Do you know about that?
You know what a black hole is?

Yeah. That's how
I make my living.

You know,
I got to tell you, cookie,

a great writer named sophocles

said that it was probably
best not to be born at all.

Honey, it's a little
too late for that.

Mmm. I fought it.

I didn't want to come out.
They had to come in and get me.

You want another blow job?

How come?

It's on the house, no charge,

'cause them pills you taking
sure as hell ain't working.

I'm just in a peculiar mood
tonight, you know?

'Cause I had
some bad news today.

Hey, let me ask you a question.
What are you doing tomorrow?

Hustlin'.

Yeah? Why don't you
come with me?

I'm going up to my old school

'cause they're gonna honor me.

I got nobody to share it with.

I'm serious.
Come with me.

I'll give you 500 bucks
for the day.

Sleep here tonight,
come up with me tomorrow.

How come you got all this money?

I always keep
hooker money around

'cause I once paid
by check years ago

and the IRS killed me.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Fay, when you get this message,

if it's not too late,

I don't want you to get married

because I love you and
I want to marry you.

You...

I was... I was looking
at my last book,

the part where we met,

and, you know, I tried
to exaggerate it

to make it funny,

but it was actually
very romantic.

I'm in town. Norman's
meeting me to see les mis.

I have a free hour.

I... I... I don't know
if I can.

I got our usual place
at the wyndham.

It's been almost 2 weeks.

Uh, we'll have to make it fast.

I can't make it
believable for so long.

You'll be back in an hour.

I have to be done
by then anyway.

Think I'll take a walk.

Oh, yes, 'cause I thought
that I would just, you know,

take a... just to get
some fresh air.

Oh.

Ok.

Excuse me.

Are you Harry block?

Your writing has been
so meaningful to me.

Thank you very much.

Can't believe I'm in
the elevator with you.

Well, it's no big deal.

Are you staying here?

No. No, I'm meeting
someone.

Oh, my God.

What is this?

It's stuck again.
Again?

If this was one of my stories,

this elevator would get
stuck between floors

and the two of us would start
a major affair and fall in love.

Promise me that you won't
fall in love with me.

No?

No. Definitely not.
Not a good idea.

Because I'm... I'm
too screwed up, you know?

I have too many...
too many quirks,

too many... you know, I have
trouble being faithful.

I have trouble, you know,
too many phobias and craziness.

Yeah, but I fell in love
with you before I met you,

when I read you.

Yes, but you fell
in love with my work.

That's a different thing,
you know?

I love your work.
I love your imagination.

But this is...
this is not a book.

You know what I mean?

We're not characters
in a fictional thing.

I mean, this is...
so don't fall in love.

Promise you won't
fall in love with me.

I promise.

You promise?
Promise.

The subway took forever.
I'm sorry.

You said you weren't coming.

What do you mean?
No. We said 10:00.

I'm sure that's what we said.

No. When we left...

I called you last night,

and I said that
I got out of my thing.

You called me?
When did you call me?

I called you at 9:30
last night, remember?

I mean, you were writing...

we spoke on the phone?

Of course. Absolutely.

God, my mind has been
playing tricks on me.

Cookie Williams,
this is my friend Richard.

What's so special
about this honor anyway?

Well, the man is being honored

by the very school
that once expelled him.

Yeah. If only hilly
could see me...

he'd be so proud.

but short of kidnapping,
he ain't coming.

Oh, dear.

This is ridiculous.

You're going to get
in trouble. Come on back.

Come on, boys.

Dad?

No, we're not going
to go to school today.

Hey! What are you doing?
Hey, stop it!

I got... it's
an emergency.

What are you doing?
Come on, hilly.

Hey! You! Stop!
Stop it!

Stop it!
You can't do this!

Hilly, get out of the car!

Get out of the car!
Get out of the car!

Hey! Hey! Somebody
stop this man!

He's a deviant!

Somebody stop him!

Somebody call the police!

♪ When the red, red Robin ♪

♪ comes Bob, Bob,
bobbin' along ♪

Go faster.

♪ there'll be no more sobbin' ♪

♪ when he starts throbbin' his ♪

♪ old ♪ ♪ old ♪

♪ sweet song ♪

♪ wake up, wake up ♪

♪ you sleepyhead ♪

♪ get up, get up ♪

♪ get out of bed ♪

♪ cheer up, cheer up ♪

♪ the sun is red ♪

♪ live, love ♪

♪ laugh and be happy ♪

God, it's fabulous up here.

Oh, it's beautiful.
I love it.

Hey, look, a Ferris wheel.

Whoa. Look
at the swings.

Want to go?

Yeah.

Very good.

Would you
like yours?

Yay!

Dad, high-five.

But I am going to smoke
this joint. You want some?

No. I can't stand
that stuff.

You see that place there?

That red apple rest?

Years ago,
my then-wife Jane and I

were coming back
from Connecticut...

her sister's house...

and we had this awful fight.

She was having her period,

and we stopped off there

to get some water for her midol.

I don't want to have a child,

and I wish you wouldn't
keep bringing it up,

especially,
in front of my parents.

Understand? Harry,
we've discussed it.

Yes, but don't I get a vote?

You have a child.

Yes, who I never get to see.

That's not my fault.

I like being a father.

I chose a different life
than Lucy.

You knew that
when you married me.

So you're dedicated
to your work,

and that means we can never
have any children.

Since when are you
such a family man?

Don't think I don't see you
staring at my sister Lucy.

What?

Oh, don't play ignorant.

You watch her walk.
You watch her sit.

You... you can't keep
your eyes off her toes.

Her toes?
Are you fucking nuts?

I'm suggesting that I
wouldn't put it past you

if you weren't dying to
have a thing with her.

She's a neurotic,
suburban hausfrau.

I have no interest
in her. Zero.

Uh-huh. Your level of denial
is a little intense.

from a premenstrual
nuclear meltdown.

You want a hit?

Huh? Oh, no, no.

That smoke is killing me.

Listen, I'm going to go
over to the bathroom.

I'll catch you later.

Cold fish,
your third ex-wife.

She never would have
made a good mother.

Who are you?

It's me. Ken.

Ken?

You created me.
Now you don't recognize me?

I'm a little bit high
because of her smoke.

How'd you ever
hook up with Jane?

Jane was fine. Jane was
just having her period,

Oh, no, no, it wasn't
just her period.

She was a cold, selfish woman.

she doesn't realize
her sister hates her.

Hey, how do you know so much?

I'm just you, thinly disguised.

You gave me
a little more maturity

and a different name.

What are you saying?
That I know this?

Of course you do.
That's why you picked her,

so it wouldn't work...

so you'd never have
to give up sport-fucking

and chronic dissatisfaction
and grow up.

Hey, I'm not going
to stand out here

and get lectured
by my own creation.

Uh, uh, uh, you can't fool me.

I'm not like your shrink.

He only knows what you tell him.

I know the truth.

And then, her sister Lucy...

Another head case.

Wow.

You sure can pick them.

But even she was
better than Jane...

more maternal,
and she loved you.

You weren't there the day
your bomb dropped on her,

but take a look.

He left me.

It's over. Our marriage
is finished.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

Are you shocked?

Yes and no.

Things have not been
very good for some time.

I knew he played around.

Did you? You never
mentioned that.

I don't like to discuss
my private life.

At first, I suspected
Lynn, his editor,

but then I thought,

no, it might be

Allison Davis, a friend of ours.

I even thought he might
have a crush on you.

Me?

Well, you're very beautiful,

and we've spent
a lot of time together,

and you two get along very well.

I knew you never would
in a million years,

but I imagined
he longed for you.

I think I even heard him
mention your name

in his sleep once.

My goodness.

Well...

That's absurd.
I mean...

Really.

You're all red.

No. No.

Lucy, are you ok?

Look...

Since we're talking openly...

I have a confession to make.

Yes?

Look...

Life sometimes takes
very strange twists and turns.

and we're not responsible
for our feelings.

You know, everybody's
feelings are irrational.

Yes, but to hear
from your husband

that he found another woman...

He...

He said his future
is all mapped out.

Oh.

Jane...

I'm going to be
totally Frank with you

and just try and hang on...

what can I say?
I'm being replaced.

Yes, yes, but it doesn't
have to be a nightmare

if we're all just
mature about it.

Replaced
by a 25-year-old.

A 25-year-old...
a wannabe writer.

Fay sexton is her sexy name.

What's the matter?
Now you're white.

Lucy...

Lucy, have you eaten
anything today?

Lucy, have a drink.
Have a drink.

Finish that.

Hard to believe him
when he's such a liar.

I'm weak.

Lucy, Lucy, what's wrong?

You'd think he dumped you.

Look, I know you
feel bad for me,

air.
But I can handle it.

I'm in shock today, but...

I want
to speak to fay.

I've been trying to
reach her since last night.

What? No, this is
an emergency.

I've got to talk...

tell her to call me back.
She's got my number.

Harry.
It's the car number.

Harry, give up. She's
in love with someone else.

This guy is too old for her.

He's younger than you are.

Hey, I'm much too old for her.

It's ridiculous.

But because of my immaturity,

I have a boyish quality
that works.

Is it much longer, dad?

We were just at the fair.

You walked around.
You ate.

About how much longer is it?

It won't be long.

Dad...

my sister lives
10 minutes from here.

We'll turn off.
We'll surprise her.

she's your half sister,
actually.

Yeah, she's my half sister,

but it'll still be 10 minutes,

not 5, just because
she's a half sister,

so...

It's wonderful.

Ah, it is so funny.

Do you think so?

Yeah, and it's really sad.

Oh, I really loved it.

You're so great.
You're so kind to me.

You know, you have such
a sweet, kind instinct.

Harry...

Harry, don't do that.

I count on you
to really be critical,

to really be tough.

You're too easy on me.

What? What was wrong
with the story?

What was wrong with it
is that it had...

It had no energy.

I became very
discouraged with it.

It's got... it doesn't
release any power.

It came to nothing.

No. I thought
it was really touching.

I mean, you knew
when the boy grew up

that he would never
learn to love.

I think your problem
is you love too easily.

I think you're
beautiful and great

and too kind to me

and lovely.

But you're not in love with me.

I told you not to fall
in love with me,

Yeah, but I still have not
been able to figure out why.

Why? Because I'm the boy
in that story.

And I can't love,

so I don't want you
to get into anything.

Well, you love hilly.

What?

You love hilly.

Mmm.

Sure, I love hilly,
because hilly's my son.

It's easy to love
a little kid, you know.

Yeah, but you love music.

Yes.

And you love baseball.

Baseball's also easy,
because it has rules.

It has foul lines,
you know, and...

But women are complicated.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Happy Birthday.

Ohh. You're kidding.

Come on, open it up.

You... this is...

You didn't have
to get me anything.

It's probably
another sweater, right?

Mmm.

A baseball signed
by the 1951 giants.

Really?
That's so great.

The '51 giants were...

The one genuine miracle
of my lifetime.

That's so great.

When he hit that home run,

that was the only hint
I've ever had

that there may be a God.

That's so... you know...

What made you think of that?

Mmm.

It was easy.

You're the greatest.

You are the greatest.

Well, it's your birthday today,

so you get any wish you want.

Yes, anything at all that
would make your day special.

Good.

You are the greatest.

I don't deserve you.

You know, you're too...

Too...

So we were driving.

We thought we'd
stop in to see you.

This is Richard.
This is cookie.

Hi, Richard.

Hello, darling,
I'm your aunt Doris.

I bet you don't even
remember me.

Do you remember your Uncle Burt?

You haven't seen him in awhile.

Oh, thank you.

Burt, get hilly a sandwich.

Would you like something to eat?

Maybe a cookie
or something like that?

Come in the kitchen here.

I just got to go
to the bathroom.

Where's the John, honey?

Yeah, you just go
right through there.

Over there?
Yeah.

So, I thought we'd drop in.

Do you like that?

I'll have
some water.

Boy, you're the last
person in the world

I ever expected to see.

Don't say that, Doris.

Yeah, and what's with cookie?

Cookie's the nanny.

The nanny? Where
did you get her from,

an agency or a massage parlor?

Oh, Jesus, she's a sweet kid.
What are you picking on...

still with the sexpots,
the tramps,

the vihlde chayes.

She's got a ph.D.,
this girl.

Really? I don't know how
she did on her written,

but I'm sure she got
an "a" plus on her oral.

Hey, give me a break, will you?

I take the time
to drop in to say hello.

Can you believe that
they're honoring me at adair?

I can't believe it.

but it's great for hilly,
I think, to see me.

The last time I saw him,
he was 6-years-old.

Well, you know, you don't
exactly contact me, either.

Well, I know
what you think of me.

Oh, please, Doris,
don't start in.

What, am I wrong? It's
all over your book...

"Jewish," "too Jewish,"
"professionally Jewish."

Of course, you attributed it all

to your ex-wife Joan,

but you gave her
the details of my life

because you wanted to depict her

Oh, I don't know
what you're talking about.

Oh, you don't know
what I'm talking about?

You made a picture of
your ex as a horror.

And in order to make
that picture

unsympathetic and unappetizing,

yes, you used some
of her, but mostly...

mostly, you caricatured
my religious dedication.

because it has
always enraged you

that I returned to my roots.

What roots? You were
a wonderful, sweet kid.

You know, you got me
through my childhood.

And, you know, then you
go away to fort lauderdale,

and you meet this fanatic...
this zealot.

And he fills you
full of superstition.

It's tradition.

Tradition is the illusion
of permanence.

You have no values.
Your whole life,

it's nihilism, it's cynicism,

it's sarcasm and orgasm.

In France, I could run
on that slogan and win.

I'm a Jew.
I was born a Jew.

What, do you hate me
because of that?

And if our parents
converted to catholicism

a month before you were born,

They're clubs. They're
exclusionary... all of them.

You know, they foster
the concept of the other,

so you know clearly
who you should hate.

Oh, would you...
that's enough.

Let me ask you a question.
If a Jew gets massacred,

does that bother you more
than if a gentile gets hurt

or a black or a Bosnian?

Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, it does. It does.

I can't help it.
It's my people.

They're all your people.

You know what?
Burt is right about you.

You're
a self-hating Jew.

Hey, I may hate myself,
but not because I'm Jewish.

Oh, he says he's not
a self-hating Jew

and look at how
he talks about them

in his stories.

Max and Dolly pincus
were married for 30 years.

and there was never a family
wedding or bar mitzvah

where they were not
generous participants.

Max, how are you?

Yossel, mazel tov.
Here.

For Donald.

Thank you, Max.

Dolly.

Dolly, you got a private minute?

We are leaving anyhow
in a few minutes.

I don't even know
if I should tell you.

What?
Tell me what?

Tell me, and I will tell you
if you should tell me.

Oh, Dolly, my heart is heavy.

Nothing terrible happened
to your husband Phil, did it?

He has been dead
for so many years.

Well...

When I was in Florida last week,

I ran into a man

who heard from someone
who knew someone who...

Anyway, it seems Max
has some secret

Max? You're talking
about my Max?

Yep. A dark secret.

What kind of a dark secret?

What? What is
by you dark?

I don't know.

What kind of a dark secret?

We have been married
for 30 years already.

You're his first wife?

Well, sure, I'm a first wife.

Well, before me,
he worked for...

ok. Ok, ok, ok.
All right.

What?

You heard something different?

I heard only a dark secret.

Do I know what dark secret?

Who told you?

Wolf fishbein.

Uhh...

be careful, Dolly.

That's all I want to say.

Dolly tried
putting Elsie's words

out of her mind,

but Max's dark secret
plagued her.

Then one day, she ran
into wolf fishbein,

and the truth was revealed.

Breathe deeply.
Try to breathe deeply.

Oy. You were right,
Elsie. You were right.

Fishbein told me a tale.

Max, before I met him,

he lived in Florida.

Oy. He had a store...

groceries.

He was married.

He was married.

Now it comes out.

To a woman...

With 2 children.

Max had other children?

No. The woman's
children,

From a prior marriage.

Aha.

He began an affair

with the downstairs neighbor...

He probably had
all his hair then.

Meanwhile, he got into debt

deeper and deeper

and... and carry on
with the neighbor.

Oy, my heart.

My heart.

So he can't get himself
out of a predicament.

So what does he do?

You're going to tell me
he stole money?

I should be so lucky.

He killed his wife.

No.

The man purchased an ax.

With an ax?

And you know Max.

He's nothing with tools.

He can't even hang a picture.

I'm dropping dead.

Plus her children, Elsie.

Plus a neighbor.

4 people he killed
one night with an ax.

Your Max?

And this is not the capper.

There's more?

More.

More.

What more?

He ate them.

What, are you talking crazy?

Elsie,

he devoured them.

I can't breathe.

Everything is closing in.

Whatever you do,

first, hear Max's side.

Max has a side?

He kills his family
and eats them up.

He was a good husband and
a loving father for 30 years.

You have a daughter
who went to college.

You have a son who's a writer.

Maybe the best course of action

is let sleeping dogs lie.

Honey, would you pass
the sour cream?

You, uh, haven't
touched a thing.

Nice weather!

It's ok.

It's not just ok.

It's nice!

All right, all right.

What are you getting
so steamed up about?

What makes you such an
authority on the weather?

Me?

All I said...

I know, I know.
I know what you said.

The fish is delicious.

Wouldn't you rather have meat?

Since when do I eat meat?

Mm-hmm.

With my arteries,

you gotta watch out
for the cholesterol.

Uh-huh.

What is the "uh-huh"?

I mean, you've been
very touchy lately.

Don't interrogate me...

Mr. Max pinchuck!

Where did you hear that name?

Did you kill your first wife

with an ax?

I gotta headache.
Please.

Did you chop her up,

along with your mistress?

Ok.

If I tell you why I did it,

do you promise not to nudge me?

Wolf fishbein said
in order to hide the bodies

you ate them!

So what are you making a fuss?

Some bury, some burn.

I ate.

Enough!

I remember Max pincus'
dark secret.

That is a disgraceful story.

You don't see your sick
view of our parents?

I wrote it when
I was much younger.

The first of a number
of anti-semitic pieces.

Oh, here he is,
direct from the wailing wall.

Disrespectful, shameful.

The Jews haven't suffered enough

without being depicted
by this one

and homicidal cannibals.

He's betting everything
on physics and pussy!

If you'll excuse the expression.

Yeah, wait till he gets cancer.

He'll be the first one
in synagogue,

sitting in the front row
in a yarmulke.

Why should I get cancer?
I eat broccoli.

Do you care even
about the holocaust,

or do you think
it never happened?

Not only do I know
that we lost 6 million,

but the scary thing is

that records are made
to be broken, you know?

I mean, I know what's out there.

Do you have any idea?

He creates offensive
Jewish stereotypes

like in der sturmer.

Max is a version of daddy...
a man you hated,

a man you think
committed the crime

of being a terrible parent.

Well, he was a terrible parent.

Thank you for dropping by.

Please come again
in another 4 years.

Hey, look, wouldn't it be
a better world

if not every group

thought they had
a direct line to God?

He thinks
I'm all Jewish paranoia.

No, I don't think
you're paranoid.

I think you're
the opposite of a paranoid.

I think you go around
with the insane delusion

that people like you.

What's the matter?

You son of a bitch!

What's wrong?

You sick, sick, sick,

sick fucking bastard!

What's wrong?

What is wrong?!
What is wrong?!

What do you think is wrong?

So you've had an affair
with one of my patients.

Don't act like you don't
know what I'm talking about!

You know what I'm talking about!

I just talked to her.
She told me the whole thing.

Who? Who?

Who? Who? Who?

Mrs. pollack.

Amy pollack.

Can I explain something?

You know Amy pollack?

No, you cannot explain anything,

you little fucking asshole!

Will you calm down?

Don't you tell me to calm down!

What's wrong?

What is wrong?

I treat this woman,

and she exits,

and you meet her,

Supposing I told you
that my fucking Amy pollack

was a disguised plea

for more closeness with you.

Oh, God. Then I'd say
you were a mental case.

This is you
with your first wife.

You were claiming
that you loved her,

and that you couldn't
live without her

while you're having
affair after affair.

My first wife, I told you,

I was laying in bed
with her one night,

I turned off her

because the way
the light struck her,

suddenly she looked to me
like Max schmeling.

What do you want me to say?

Not that she wasn't
a pretty girl,

but she looked
like Max schmeling.

I couldn't get
an erection after that.

Stop this tap-dancing!
This is bullshit!

It is not bullshit.

It is bullshit!

With you it's different.
You turned off me.

That's what happened
ever since hilly was born.

You're the one... we've been
living like siblings.

Don't try to play
"blame the victim"!

What are you talking about?

I... hey, I'm as much
a victim as you.

You know, you think
that getting a blow job

from a big-bosomed
26-year-old

is a pleasurable thing for me?

Oh, you're making me sick!

I can't believe
this is happening.

You're overreacting.

I'm not overreacting!

You... you... are you trying
to tell me,

that every week
for the last 4 months

that you've been with her
in the hotel?

Oh, that's so crazy.
No, of course not!

I... you know,
I rented an apartment.

Aah! I'm gonna kill you!

Wait! No!

Yes, I am!

Aah.

Hello, doctor.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Take off your coat.
Come in.

Uh...

I've been...

I've been losing sleep at night.

I can't shut my eyes at night.

I... I think
I should quit my job,

but I can't bring myself
to do it.

Maybe because

my brother-in-law
treats me kindly.

But... but working for him

is taking its toll on me
emotionally.

Could you excuse me,
Mr. farber?

What?

You fucked-up fuck!

I can't believe
you fucking did this!

You fucking asshole!

You fucked my patient?!

Harry, you don't fuck
somebody's patient!

Fuck you!

Continue, Mr. farber.

Uh...

Uh, er...

I...

You lost your thread?

You were talking
about quitting your job.

Oh. Right.

You know...

Well, I discussed it
with my wife.

While she seems on the surface

to be supportive,

I know she'd rather I stay on.

She idolizes Gordon.

I mean, all the time,

that's all she does is spend
time with him anyway.

Listen, could you excuse me
just one more second?

Again?

I can hear you
from the hallway. Loudly.

I want you to get out of here.

I want you to get your
goddamn stuff together,

and I want you
to get out of here!

You know, I cannot understand

why the most sophisticated
of women

can't tell the difference

between a meaningless

hot, passionate sexual affair

and a nice, solid,
tranquil, routine marriage.

Harry, just tell me something.

Was she the only one,
or were there others?

No, Amy pollack
was the only one.

May God strike me dead
if I'm lying.

You're an atheist, Harry!

Yeah. Hey, we're alone
in the universe.

You're gonna blame that
on me, too?

Oh, stop
that tap-dancing!

You... you know,
you turned off me first.

Oh, please!

No, I... I gave birth.

You know, when women give birth,

there is a time period

when their hormones
just sort of go crazy.

Yes, there are...

Ok, so you're telling me
that you're settling.

I accept that.

You accept that?

Oh, Harry,
you are so fucking nuts!

Take it easy.

If you're not happy
in a marriage,

you don't cheat.

And with my patient?

that is a sacred trust.
My patient.

What do you want?
Who else do I meet?

I'm here,
I'm working in the room,

we have the baby,
you're out there practicing,

we never socialize.

So now you're blaming me

because I don't go out
with you enough places

where you can meet
strangers to fuck!

Look...

I was merely explaining to you

why my choice, of necessity,

is confined to your practice.

Oh, God. I knew
you were mentally ill

before I married you,

but I thought, somehow,

because I was
a trained professional

that I could help you.

Hey. Come on.

Don't... don't...

The last thing you wanna do

is get down on yourself
as a therapist.

Ohh, God!

I want you to get your shit,

and I want you to get
your goddamn clothes,

and I want you to get
the fuck out of here!

You are the most fucking
irresponsible person

I've ever seen
in my entire life!

And get out!

Continue, Mr. farber.

Doctor...

And I mean tonight,
motherfucker!

Dad, my Pepsi.

So you got even
with your ex-wife

and with your sister,
and I was born?

Born? What are you
talking about?

From your pen.

From your fertile imagination.

And I mean imagination.

Hey, I was not trying
to get even with Joan.

Oh, and you created me as
the shrewish Jewish hybrid

who goes off
with another patient,

an orthodox divorcee
from Tel Aviv.

My sister never should
have married Burt.

This guy's turned her
into a zealot.

It wasn't her fault
your father persecuted you.

She was fine till
she wound up with him...

this right-wing hawk
that she's married.

So she disappointed you
in her choice of husbands?

Well, fuck you.
She loves Burt.

She was a wonderful kid.

She had a flair for physics.

Suddenly overnight,
she's kosher.

She loves you still,

despite your obvious
condescension

towards her life.

Would you like to hear
what she says about you?

He's not so bad, Burt.

He really was
a very good brother.

Just my father
did never forgive him

when his wife died.

The man is not a Jewish man.

He's not a Jewish man.
That's all.

All right. Poor Harry.

He was always lost.

You know, he could just
never accept the fact

that there are things
you can't know.

The man is incapable
of an act of faith.

All right.
For that, I pity him.

You know, I would like
to hug him again

like when we were kids.

And if I was upset,
he was a comfort to me.

What happens to us?

Doris...

She can't hear you.

And as for Joan...

Joan? Joan hates me.

Well, shouldn't she?

Why should she hate me,

because I was unfaithful to her?

No, because when she caught you,

you weren't a man.

You turned into
this double-talking,

wise-cracking,
tap-dancing liar.

Well, if she had not
become so enraged,

maybe we could've
patched things up.

Listen to this guy.
Deluded...

maybe it tapered a bit
after hilly was born,

but you two had sex
pretty regularly.

I have no idea why
I took up with that patient.

She was available,
she was adorable.

You know, and my marriage
was droning on.

Well, what you call "droning on"

Well, if that's working,
then marriage is not for me.

Well, it's not for everyone.

Well, you know,
but then I get lonely.

Hey, what do you want me to say?

She... you know,
she gave me hilly,

and for that I'm...
I'm eternally grateful

'cause I love him so much.

You can have any one
you want here.

Can I get 2?

I'll tell you what,
you can get any 3 presents.

Go through the store
and pick any 3 presents, ok?

Yeah.

Look what I found.

This is the chemistry set
you always wanted.

Look at that.
It's perfect.

No, no.
Don't open it here.

Let me buy it first.

Harry?

Harry!

Hey.

How you doing?

Larry, what are you doing here?

I was buying my nephew
a power ranger.

I can't believe it.
When did you get back?

A couple of days ago.
Yeah, it was...

hey, fay.

Fay, this is Larry.
I told you about Larry.

Oh, yeah.
It's nice to meet you.

Old friend, colleague, peer.

Right.

So you got back when?

Uh, 2 days ago.
Yeah.

I took a boat trip
down the Amazon.

Really? God,
that sounds exciting.

Yes, if you don't mind
malaria and dysentery.

No, butterflies
the size of doves.

Never seen anything
like it in my life.

Yeah, I can live
without that, however.

It was astounding.

Mmm. It sounds it.

So you got back 2 days ago?

2 days ago. Yeah.

We go back a long way.

We both started out
wanting to be kafka,

and you got slightly
closer than me.

Yeah, I became
the insect and he...

Yeah.

Good. I'm amazed.

We should go out.

Yeah. Listen, why don't
you come to my house

in east Hampton for a weekend?

It will be great fun.

Well, let's not get hysterical.

No, I'd love to.
It would be fun.

Oh, it's beautiful out there.

It's sand in the crotch.
It's ticks.

To get this guy to leave
his room, you know...

Oh, I know.

He's never had a tan.

I've always wanted
to learn how to snorkel.

Oh, well, it's great there.

Snorkel? Where he lives
there are sharks.

You see those
photographs of guys

with stumps for legs
and arms? That's what...

Yes, you are.
It's fabulous.

Let me buy dinner.
We'll talk about it.

No, we'll buy you dinner.
Can we take him to dinner?

I'd love to tell you
about the Amazon.

'Cause it changed my life.

I'd love to hear.
Sounds amazing.

I'm gonna write a novel.
I'll tell you about it.

I'm not into the Amazon.

You know what the Amazon is?

This Amazon
is the tiny, little heads

with the lips sewn together.

Can you picture him this way?

That's... that's great.
We'll go to dinner tonight.

Yeah, great.

That'd be great.

Great. I'm single,
available,

with the soul of a black man.

I smell sulfur.
Do you smell sulfur?

Hilly, did you open
the chemistry set?

Hey, look.
We're almost there.

Hilly. Hilly, wake up.
We're almost...

hilly, wake up.

We're almost at the university.

Your dad's gonna be honored.

You know, limited
as my curriculum was.

Richard, we're there.

Hey, honey. Wake up.
We're her... uh-oh.

Something's wrong.

What's the matter?

I don't know. I don't
think he's breathing.

He's dead.
He's dead!

What?!

I can't believe this.

I was at the doctor's
with him yesterday.

They said his heart was fine.

Oh, gee. There's nothing
to be scared of, hilly.

I'm fine, dad.

Remember I told you

death is a natural part of life?

You have to embrace them both.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know.
Get back in the car.

I don't wanna sit
next to him! Uh-uh.

Jus... it's over.

Welcome
to adair university, sir.

We certainly hope
you had a pleasant trip.

Good to see you.
Hello. Hello.

Would you like
some refreshments, perhaps?

Is he all right.

You got one of them rubber bags?

What?
What?

We've made arrangements

for the body to be delivered

to New York City.

I don't think he has any
immediate family, actually.

If you prefer,

we can call off the proceedings.

I think, probably
that's the best thing.

No.

I do. I...

He'll be all right.
He's here for a purpose.

You know, I...

I'll see that....

That, uh, he's...
he's, you know...

that the funeral comes off.

I'll see that he's buried, uh...

Properly.

I understand.

Underwater.

Poor Richard.

Oh, Jesus, I...
the poor guy!

Cookie.

Cookie, cookie...

I'm not gonna make it.
I can't go on.

Not if you keep drinking
and popping them pills.

Oh, Jesus.
I can't believe this.

My old school wants to honor me,

I show up with a hooker
and a dead body.

You're getting yourself
wound up about nothing.

Cookie, look at me!

Look! Look!
I'm out of focus!

What?
You look ok to me.

I mean, a little pale,
but you're all right.

I'm out of focus.
I'm soft.

You better calm down.

They're gonna be here
any minute. Calm down.

No, no.
It's so humiliating.

They're gonna honor me,
and I'm a blob.

You look fine.
Don't worry.

I'll be sitting
on the dais eating.

They'll get seasick.
They'll throw up.

Hold my hand.
Hold my hand.

You drive all the way
up here with your son

so he can see you get honored,

and you're gonna make
an ass out of yourself.

But don't you see?

I'm... I'm a huge blur.

You're gonna be all right.

Hang in.
I'm gonna talk you down.

Now, I have seen
all kinds of guys o.D.

Heroin, acid, crack.
You name it.

I didn't take any of that stuff.

Yeah, but you're
a pill-popper.

No, that's not
what it is, cookie.

I'm o.D.Ing on myself.
It's that I'm a shit.

Have some black coffee.

I don't want any coffee.
I don't want anything.

I'm a shit.

Talk to me about something.

Sports? Yeah.
I was a pitcher.

When a guy crowded the plate,

I used to throw at his head,

'cause I'm the worst
person in the world.

Honey, I've seen worse.

Who? Who's worse than me?

Yeah, all right.
Maybe Hitler.

Maybe Hitler, goering,
and goebbels,

but I'm right fourth,
right behind them.

Come on, hold my hand.

Can you feel my hand?

Yes, it's warm.

See? It's just panic.

You're not a blob.

I know. I'm gonna
get over this.

I'm having a panic attack.
I have these attacks.

What sports do you like?

I don't know.
I... I like them all.

I like baseball.
I like basketball.

I was married to a woman,
cookie, who...

she looked like Max schmeling.

No, I'm not joking.
She was...

Uh-oh. All right,
it's time.

I can't get through this
without you. I mean that.

Don't worry about it.
Don't worry.

If you didn't
come with me today...

Don't worry about it.

Come on. Straighten up.

I gotta get a tie.
I gotta get my tie.

All right. Let's go.

Are you ready to be
immortalized by adair?

I teach your books.

These are some of
my literature students.

Yes, we all know all your work,

your characters...
even the obscure ones.

No, no. Good reading
is a creative act.

So are you working
on anything now?

Something we can look forward
to sinking our teeth into?

Actually, I'm in the midst

of writing a thing on the devil,

who comes and kidnaps
a man's one true love

and takes her down to hell,

and he goes to retrieve her

and, you know, since it's hell,

I'm able to settle
a lot of old scores.

Yes.

Well, what's the man like?

Uh, it's me thinly disguised.

In fact, I don't even think

I should disguise it anymore.

It's, you know, it's me.

Uh-huh.

Floor 5.

Subway muggers,
aggressive panhandlers,

and book critics.

Right-wing extremists,
serial killers,

lawyers who appear
on television.

Floor 7.

Sorry that floor
is all filled up.

Escaped war criminals,
TV evangelists,

and the nra.

Lowest level.

Everybody off.

What did you do?

I invented aluminum siding.

Harry!

Dad.

Get me out of here!
This is terrible!

You know how I could
never stand hot weather.

What is this man doing here?

He's condemned
to eternal suffering.

Harry, help me.

I don't understand.
What? Why?

I demand to know the charges.

"He behaved unconscionably
toward his son,

"accused the boy of
committing a capital crime

merely by being born."

"Your wife,"
they told me, "is dead.

But your son,
he's thriving."

Why did he fight not to be born?

Look, I forgive him.

I... you know,
what's over is over.

From... that's... it's...
it's finished.

Look, let him go
to heaven, please?

I'm a Jew.

We don't believe in heaven.

Where do you wanna go?

To a Chinese restaurant.

Take him to joy luck.

I love him despite everything.

Looking for someone?

I'm here to get fay.

She's not coming with you.

Because you're the head
of this whole underworld,

that you can just abduct her
and get away with it?

Well, I'm gonna kidnap her back.

What are you laughing?

You dare to match your
powers against mine?

You wanna know why?

Yeah, I do.

I'm sorry.

Forgive me for laughing.

Why?

I'm more powerful than you

because I'm a bigger sinner.

Because you're a fallen angel,

and I never believed in God

or heaven or any of that stuff.

I'm strictly, you know,

quarks and particles
and black hole, you know.

All the other stuff
is junk to me.

And also I do terrible things.

I've cheated on all my wives,

and none of 'em deserved it.

I sleep with whores,

I drink too much,

I take pills and I lie

and I'm vain, I'm cowardly

and prone to violence, you know.

I once almost ran over
a book critic with my car,

but swerved at the last second.

Did you ever have
2 women at once?

Yes, I did have 2 women at once.

And I'll tell you
something else.

I didn't care that
it was exploitive.

And I'll tell you
something else.

They were sisters.

Really?

Yes. Absolutely.

2 blond wasp sisters.

Not the sherman twins?

Yes, the sherman
twins. Exactly.

You... you...

They're here.

The sherman twins are here.

So, do you know Sandra pepkin?

Do I know Sandra pepkin?

Only the best blow job
in the hadasa.

So if you know Sandra pepkin,

I fucked her best friend,

the cripple, pearl.

Oh, pearl in the wheelchair.

Pearl in the wheelchair.

Speaking of handicaps,
do you know Marie Taylor?

Well, yes,

but Marie Taylor I don't count.

Marie Taylor's dyslexic.

She put her tampax in her nose.

You ever fuck a blind girl?

No, that I never did.
Did you?

Ooh. They're so grateful.

Would you like a drink?

Could I get some Tequila?

Sure, sure, I got great Tequila.

Why don't you sit down?
Make yourself at home.

You want me to turn on
the air conditioner?

You're air conditioned here?

Sure. It fucks up
the ozone layer.

I could be very
comfortable down here.

I'll tell you something, Harry.

I love it.
I love it here.

I wouldn't be anyplace else.

You know, I've been offered
a lot of jobs in your world,

but why should I be an employee?

Here I'm my own boss,
and I'm free.

What kind of jobs
did they offer you?

For 2 years I ran
a Hollywood studio,

but you can't trust
those people.

I agree with you.

Better to rule down here

than to serve in heaven, right?

That's Milton, I think.

To evil.
It keeps things humming.

Oh, jeez.

So you kidnapped fay, huh?

Yes, I did.

But some women are turned on

by aggressive,
assertive behavior.

Yeah, so if I suddenly
kidnapped her back?

You kidnap?

No, it's not your style.

You're not a fun guy.
Too serious.

Fay knew that.

You're too angry at life.

I got a lot to be angry at.

But sooner or later, Harry,
you gotta back off.

It's like Vegas.

You're up, you're down,

but in the end,
the house always wins.

Doesn't mean
you didn't have fun.

Now, one thing you are not
is a kidnapper.

Kidnapper!

Listen to me!

Get out of my way!

Can't you see you're walking

with a fucking kidnapper?

You'll have to come
with me, sir.

You're under arrest.

I gotta put the cuffs on you.

You stay over there.

How can I kidnap my own son?

Hey, we got drugs in the bag.

Let me go, bitch!
Just let me go!

Get off of me, bitch!

Get her in the car.

Can't I be honored
and then arrested?

No, we can't do that.
I'm sorry.

Prostitute in your car
in possession of marijuana.

Possession
of an unlicensed firearm.

I told you already
about the firearm.

There was a crazy
woman on my roof

shooting at me.

I got the gun away from her.

I put it in my car.

I was gonna hand it in.

I gotta make another phone call.

Yeah, I know,
but that didn't count.

That was to my girlfriend's

I'm trying to keep her
from getting married.

You also called your sister.

Yeah. My sister
wasn't in.

You called your lawyer.

My lawyer was at canyon ranch.

I can never get my lawyer.

Can I give you some advice?

You're in deep shit.

This time, I think
you've really had it.

Hey, it was your idea
to kidnap hilly.

It was my idea?
It wasn't my idea.

You don't have to act
out on every impulse.

You've got to tell me the truth.

Is it better being dead?

Is it better?

No, it's not really,

but there's one good thing.

You don't get called
for jury duty,

but then you have no options.

It's not for you.

Jesus.
I'm no good at life.

No, no, but you write well.

I write well, but that's
a different story

because I can manipulate
the characters and plots.

Right. You create
your own universe,

but that's much nicer
than the world we have.

But I can't function
in the world we have.

I'm a failure at life.

I don't know.

I think you bring pleasure

to a lot of people.
That's good.

Yeah, but even that's drying up.

For the last months,

I haven't been able to come up

with a meaningful idea to write.

Well, make peace
with your demons,

and your block will pass.

Jesus, it sounds so trite,

but I just want to be happy.

To be alive is to be happy.

Take it from me.

Hey, block.

Come on.

Some people
just put up your bail.

My bail?

That's right.
This way.

Yeah. We got the message
on our service.

Came right
from our wedding.

You did?

Yeah, we were on our way
to our honeymoon.

You got married?

Yeah.

I can't believe it.

In the end,
you chose him over me?

You're gonna insult me
after we ran from the altar

to keep you from rotting
in some prison.

I know you get claustrophobic.

Plus you're the perfect punk.

You'll get buggered

by every con in the cell block.

You're the guy
that should be in there

because you stole her
from under my nose.

Harry, he didn't steal me.

I love him.

I can't fathom this.

I appreciate your coming,
but I can't...

why?
Why not me?

You told me that
I wasn't supposed

to fall in love with you,

How could you listen to me?

You know how crazy I am.

Well, you were my
mentor, that's why.

But you were sleeping
with your mentor.

So? I've slept with
my gynecologist.

What has that got
to do with anything?

You're gonna snorkel
down the Amazon with him

when you could have me?

I will never be
the writer you are.

You put your art into your work.

I put it into my life.

I can make her happier.

I love you.

So...

I do, I do.
It's just that

I'm in love with Larry.

I'm his wife.

I love you, too,
Harry. Now, please,

so that we can go
and enjoy our honeymoon.

We'll be in Santa Fe
about a month,

and when we come back,
we'll all go out.

This is where you're going
on your honeymoon?

He's taking you to the desert?

Sand?
The desert is cactus.

It's gila monsters,

whatever you call them,
lizards, is the desert.

Harry, give us your
blessing, please?

Give 'em your blessings

before I throw you back
in that fucking jail cell

and I bugger you.

God.

I don't know what to say.

I love you.

This guy I've loved...

Uh...

I give up. I give up.

We'll get you home, all right?

Santa Fe, you're gonna take her?

Tacos.

Harry, what about
the honoring ceremony?

Huh?

We haven't had the ceremony.

The police interrupted.

What, am I dreaming?

Everybody dreams.

Come on.

Professor Clark has
everything planned.

Can I bring hilly?

Well, it's your dream.

Stebbins hall?

Everyone is waiting
to honor you.

After all, you created them.

I love all of you.

Really, you've given me

some of the happiest
moments of my life,

and you've even saved
my life at times.

And now you've actually
taught me things,

and I'm completely grateful...

I think the author's message

is to know yourself,

stop kidding yourself,

accept your limitations,

and get on with your life.

To me, it's a really
interesting character...

a guy who can't function
well in life,

but can only function in art.

It's sort of sad in a way
and also funny.

But your books all
seem a little sad

which is why I like
deconstructing them,

because underneath
they're really happy.

It's just that
you don't know it.

I feel like I'm in a dream.

This for me is, like,

the best dream
I've had in months.

The happiest dream...

oh, I like it.

A character who's too neurotic
to function in life,

who can only function in art.

Notes for a novel.

Opening possibility:

Rifken led a fragmented,
disjointed existence.

He had long ago come
to this conclusion:

All people know the same truth.

Our lives consist of how
we choose to distort it.

Only his writing was calm.

His writing, which had
in more ways than one

saved his life.

♪ my analyst told me ♪

♪ that I was
right out of my head ♪

♪ the way he described it ♪

♪ he said I'd be better
dead than live ♪

♪ I didn't listen to his jive ♪

♪ I knew all along ♪

♪ that he was all wrong ♪

♪ and I knew that he thought ♪

♪ I was crazy, but I'm not ♪

♪ oh, no ♪

♪ my analyst told me ♪

♪ that I was
right out of my head ♪

♪ he said I'd need treatment ♪

♪ but I'm not that easily led ♪

♪ I was the type
that was most inclined ♪

♪ when out of his sight ♪

♪ to be out of my mind ♪

♪ and he thought I was nuts ♪

♪ no more ifs or ands
or buts, oh, no ♪

♪ they say as a child
I appeared a little bit wild ♪

♪ with all my crazy ideas ♪

♪ but I knew
what was happening ♪

♪ I knew I was a genius ♪

♪ what's so strange if you know
that you're a wizard at 3? ♪

♪ I knew that this
was meant for me ♪

♪ I heard little children
were supposed to sleep tight ♪

♪ that's why I drank
a fifth of vodka one night ♪

♪ my parents got frantic,
didn't know what to do ♪

♪ but I saw some crazy scenes
before I came to ♪

♪ now, do you think
I was crazy? ♪

♪ I may have been only 3,
but I was swingin' ♪

♪ they all laughed
at a. Graham bell ♪

♪ they all laughed at Edison ♪

♪ and also at Einstein ♪

♪ if they just couldn't
understand the reasoning ♪

♪ and the logic
that went on in my head ♪

♪ I had a brain, it was insane ♪

♪ so I just let them
laugh at me ♪

♪ when I refused to ride ♪

♪ on all those
double-Decker buses ♪

♪ all because there was
no driver on the top ♪

♪ my analyst told me ♪

♪ that I was
right out of my head ♪

♪ the way he described it ♪

♪ he said I'd be better
dead than live ♪

♪ I didn't listen to his jive ♪

♪ I knew all along ♪

♪ he was all wrong ♪

♪ and I knew that he thought ♪

♪ I was crazy, but I'm not ♪

♪ oh, no ♪

♪ my analyst told me ♪

♪ that I was
right out of my head ♪

♪ but I said, dear doctor ♪

♪ I think
that it's you instead ♪

♪ 'cause I have got a thing
that's unique and new ♪

♪ it proves that I'll have
the last laugh on you ♪

♪ 'cause instead of one head ♪

♪ ha ha, I got 2 ♪

♪ and you know 2 heads are
better than one ♪
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