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WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
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- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.MY-SUBS.com --
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In the time when fire
rained down from heaven
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00:00:16,558 --> 00:00:19,188
and dust storms swept in from the east,
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00:00:19,269 --> 00:00:21,939
a hero arose with a dope-ass name:
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00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:24,111
Wesley Fists.
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00:00:26,693 --> 00:00:30,113
Born in the hamlet of Compton,
Wesley's father was a dentist.
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00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:32,776
His mother played Scratchers
and smoked Newports.
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00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:34,616
From the time he could throw a punch,
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00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:37,701
Fists trained in the
dojo of kung fu cinema.
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00:00:38,747 --> 00:00:41,037
His favorites were Shogun Assassin,
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00:00:41,124 --> 00:00:42,294
The Five Deadly Venoms,
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00:00:42,375 --> 00:00:44,205
and of course, Enter the Dragon.
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00:00:44,294 --> 00:00:46,254
But after hearing Enter the Wu-Tang,
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00:00:46,337 --> 00:00:49,167
young Fists imagined
me narrating his life,
15
00:00:49,632 --> 00:00:50,722
The RZA,
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00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:52,890
AKA The RZArector
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00:00:52,969 --> 00:00:55,179
AKA RZA RZA Razor Sharp,
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00:00:55,263 --> 00:00:57,723
AKA The Abbot with the Golden Tablet,
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00:00:57,807 --> 00:01:00,187
AKA Ruler Zig-Zag-Zig Allah,
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00:01:00,268 --> 00:01:03,058
AKA The Divine Prince Master Rakeem,
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00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:04,806
AKA Bobby Digital,
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00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:06,478
AKA Bobby Boulders,
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00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:08,146
AKA Bobby Steels,
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00:01:08,234 --> 00:01:09,864
AKA Daddy Diggs,
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00:01:09,944 --> 00:01:12,914
AKA The Fatal Flying Guillotine Karrier.
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00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:16,695
He knew I understood what
a warrior's soul was
27
00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:18,495
and I could say shit like "saga"
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00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:21,958
and "bring the motherfucking ruckus"
without sounding like a sucka.
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00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:26,280
At the age 15, Fists's parents
took the arduous trek
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00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:27,878
up the deadly 110 freeway
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00:01:27,962 --> 00:01:29,962
to live in the village of Glendale.
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00:01:30,048 --> 00:01:32,178
Fists thrived in his new environment.
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00:01:32,258 --> 00:01:34,428
A defensive back of the first string,
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00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:38,471
11 sacks, ten interceptions,
five pick sixes.
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00:01:38,556 --> 00:01:40,636
Shit, this kid was almost invincible.
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00:01:43,061 --> 00:01:46,561
In the apocalypse, our hero
has taken on a mantle of rōnin,
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00:01:46,648 --> 00:01:49,978
a wandering soul seeking
redemption for a heinous crime.
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00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:52,778
A haunting tragedy yet to be revealed.
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00:01:52,862 --> 00:01:55,032
To wit, Wesley gained new compatriots
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00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,865
with less dope names
like Josh and Angelica.
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00:01:57,951 --> 00:02:00,291
Friends whom Wesley
might call family, but...
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00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:02,575
his heart belongs to another...
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00:02:05,041 --> 00:02:07,041
the villainous Turbo Bro Jock.
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00:02:07,919 --> 00:02:10,129
Which side is this warrior gonna choose?
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DAYBREAK
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00:02:16,427 --> 00:02:18,927
PART 1: HOMECOMING REDUX
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00:02:19,013 --> 00:02:21,273
So which are you gonna choose?
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00:02:23,268 --> 00:02:24,348
Choose?
49
00:02:24,894 --> 00:02:26,404
Songs!
50
00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:28,229
For the homecoming dance playlist?
51
00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:31,190
This is no mere playlist.
52
00:02:31,693 --> 00:02:34,903
This is no mere
homecoming dance do-over.
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00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:40,237
We rescued these kids
from Baron Triumph.
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00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:42,326
This is a Saturnalia
to the wonder of life,
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00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:44,372
drinking from the water
fountain of youth.
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00:02:44,455 --> 00:02:47,125
Tonight, we stare the Grim
Reaper in the face, and we say,
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00:02:47,208 --> 00:02:49,378
"If you like it, then you
should've put a ring on it."
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00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:51,800
This is the soundtrack of our lives!
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00:02:56,426 --> 00:02:57,506
Uh...
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00:02:57,594 --> 00:03:01,434
Is this you? Uh, KJ?
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00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:03,765
What does that stand for?
62
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:05,604
Keung Jung?
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00:03:05,685 --> 00:03:07,345
Uh, Kim Jong?
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00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:10,110
Okay, look, we can't just let anyone in.
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00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,780
Someone's gotta make sure
you 'fugees are copacetic.
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00:03:13,484 --> 00:03:14,484
You remember ICE?
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00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:18,358
Well, I'm the new ICE.
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00:03:18,990 --> 00:03:21,490
Okay, I need you to sign
this oath of allegiance.
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00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:23,576
Basically, you got to do
what I say at all times.
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00:03:23,661 --> 00:03:25,291
And you can't make fun
of me behind my back
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00:03:25,371 --> 00:03:27,791
like Dana Rappaport did when
I sharted in the third grade.
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00:03:27,874 --> 00:03:30,344
Oh, and also, it automatically
casts a vote for me
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00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:32,298
as Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty.
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00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:38,722
This counts as a vote!
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00:03:42,805 --> 00:03:44,965
Eyes on your own work!
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00:03:46,976 --> 00:03:48,646
This isn't a test.
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00:03:48,728 --> 00:03:49,848
It's art therapy.
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00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,720
My psychiatrist had
me do this to examine
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00:03:52,750 --> 00:03:54,840
subconscious emotions in my drawing.
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00:03:55,270 --> 00:03:57,240
I painted an untamed unicorn baby
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00:03:57,270 --> 00:03:59,276
gouging her mommy unicorn in the uterus.
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00:03:59,822 --> 00:04:01,032
But it didn't mean anything.
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00:04:01,699 --> 00:04:02,779
Why are you using spiders?
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00:04:03,451 --> 00:04:05,291
The black widow represents death,
85
00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:06,960
and the brown widow represents death.
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00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:10,464
They duel because all of life is death.
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00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,751
And brown is the new black.
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00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,474
Turn it down! Turn the music down!
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00:04:23,554 --> 00:04:26,144
Turn it down! The music, turn it down!
90
00:04:28,309 --> 00:04:31,559
The Ghoulie part of the Witch is
super sensitive to loud noise.
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00:04:32,063 --> 00:04:34,403
Shit! I was only playing this on chill.
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00:04:34,482 --> 00:04:37,032
I barely got to thumping. What
happens when I get to cranking?
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00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,150
If you pump up the volume tonight,
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00:04:39,237 --> 00:04:42,117
we'll be doing The Electric
Slide with a horde of Ghoulies.
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00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:47,621
Hard to make the soundtrack of
our lives with no soundtrack.
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00:04:47,704 --> 00:04:49,164
Maybe this is a bad idea,
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00:04:49,789 --> 00:04:51,709
recreating what we we'll
never really have again.
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00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:54,169
You're missing Sam pretty hard.
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00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:57,378
We were gonna go to the dance together.
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00:04:58,631 --> 00:05:00,471
She was gonna be Homecoming Queen.
101
00:05:01,884 --> 00:05:02,974
I know what you need.
102
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,137
Maybe you should try masturbating.
103
00:05:07,598 --> 00:05:08,728
Dude...
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00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:17,941
Also, you should try masturbating.
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00:05:18,026 --> 00:05:20,566
A warrior will rub one out
before heading into battle.
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00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:24,663
I thought samurai were like monks,
you know, on a strict NoFap diet.
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00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:27,448
Samurai are the samurai
of burping the worm.
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00:05:27,535 --> 00:05:29,535
Why you think action
figures got kung fu grip?
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00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:33,041
You seem more chill than usual.
110
00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:34,300
Did saving all these kids, you know,
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00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:36,634
fulfill your quest for redemption?
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00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:41,670
Don't write off the dance,
brother. Could be cathartic.
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00:05:42,258 --> 00:05:44,508
Anyway, I'm heading out.
Gotta feed Triumph and Turbo.
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00:05:44,594 --> 00:05:46,474
- I'll go with you.
- I got it.
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00:05:46,554 --> 00:05:49,274
You use your survival skills
to solve this noise issue.
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00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:52,137
Hey, hey, uh...
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00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:56,114
What about Mastermind by
Deltron 3030 for the soundtrack?
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00:05:58,066 --> 00:05:59,316
Right? Yeah?
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00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:06,374
There's only one reason
a man would venture
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00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:08,949
into the dangerous wasteland
all by his lonesome...
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00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:13,785
Because he is a traitorous
whelp looking for a nooner.
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00:07:54,098 --> 00:07:55,098
What about Josh?
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00:08:01,439 --> 00:08:03,319
He's a friend.
124
00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:05,192
Don't get jealous.
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00:08:16,787 --> 00:08:18,077
I'm not gonna let you do that.
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00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:21,520
Why?
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00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:22,751
Because he beat you?
128
00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:24,461
Because he left you here?
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00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:30,465
I came back.
130
00:08:32,261 --> 00:08:33,391
Let it go.
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00:08:38,684 --> 00:08:41,354
Don't get jealous.
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00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:48,567
You want me to kill Josh?
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00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:51,864
You punishing me for having a friend?
134
00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:13,471
Wesley Fists was familiar with
the rock and the hard place.
135
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:14,893
He'd been there before,
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00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:18,465
forced into choosing a side
on the battleground of life.
137
00:09:19,725 --> 00:09:21,515
- Homecoming, y'all!
- Whoo!
138
00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:23,152
- Compton on notice!
- Whoo!
139
00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:25,109
- We goin' to state!
- Whoo!
140
00:09:25,189 --> 00:09:26,399
- We dominate!
- Whoo!
141
00:09:26,482 --> 00:09:27,942
- Goin' hard like...
- Whoo!
142
00:09:28,025 --> 00:09:29,395
- Rollin' hard like...
- Whoo!
143
00:09:29,485 --> 00:09:30,775
- Hornets be like...
- Whoo!
144
00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:32,321
- Turbo be like...
- Whoo!
145
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:33,655
- Hornets be like...
- Whoo!
146
00:09:33,739 --> 00:09:35,199
- Seize the crown like...
- Whoo!
147
00:09:35,283 --> 00:09:37,793
Seize the crown!
148
00:09:44,208 --> 00:09:46,248
- We got your back!
- Who got my back?
149
00:09:46,335 --> 00:09:47,705
- We got your back!
- Who got my back?
150
00:09:47,795 --> 00:09:49,505
- We got your back!
- Who got my back?
151
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:52,129
- We got your back!
- Who got my back?
152
00:09:52,216 --> 00:09:53,876
We got your back!
153
00:09:56,887 --> 00:09:57,887
'Sup, Wes?
154
00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:00,640
'Sup, Emmett?
155
00:10:01,140 --> 00:10:02,960
Emmett was Wesley's third cousin
156
00:10:02,980 --> 00:10:05,522
on his mama's side and his best friend.
157
00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:09,982
Gentlemen, welcome to
Glendale High School,
158
00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:12,527
but we have a strict no visitor policy.
159
00:10:12,610 --> 00:10:13,700
Yeah? Why is that?
160
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:16,450
Your little posh crew gonna get
all jumpy around us niggas?
161
00:10:16,907 --> 00:10:18,407
No. What? What?
162
00:10:18,492 --> 00:10:20,452
No. No, we're all woke here.
163
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:22,325
Uh, wide awoke.
164
00:10:22,413 --> 00:10:25,083
No, it's an administrative
measure for safety
165
00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:28,666
and has nothing to do with any
form of institutionalized racism.
166
00:10:29,128 --> 00:10:32,298
But I am gonna have to ask your
coach to escort you off campus
167
00:10:32,381 --> 00:10:35,431
in a totally non-racist way.
168
00:10:35,509 --> 00:10:37,139
- Coach?
- It's all good, all right?
169
00:10:37,219 --> 00:10:38,549
Our bus just got here early.
170
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,848
Stretching our legs,
sussing out the competition.
171
00:10:40,931 --> 00:10:43,061
Blood's gonna flow like
a chocolate fountain
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00:10:43,142 --> 00:10:44,352
at a bar mitzvah, cousin.
173
00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:46,095
You don't get to call me
cousin no more, traitor.
174
00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:48,227
I transferred schools, Emmett.
175
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:50,404
- It's not on me my pops moved.
- Yeah, it's on you.
176
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:52,073
Bowing down to these
privileged white folks.
177
00:10:52,151 --> 00:10:54,451
- Why don't you step the fuck back.
- Hey, chill.
178
00:10:54,528 --> 00:10:55,738
Chill, Turbo. Chill!
179
00:10:55,821 --> 00:10:57,111
Chill. It's all good.
180
00:10:57,198 --> 00:10:58,638
He's just trying to get me riled up.
181
00:10:59,241 --> 00:11:01,831
But when you know your enemy
better than you know yourself,
182
00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:03,760
the outcome has already been decided.
183
00:11:03,780 --> 00:11:06,076
You ain't no samurai, you dumb blerd.
184
00:11:06,707 --> 00:11:09,127
It was fun playing when we was
kids, but that was a game.
185
00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:10,957
Why you trying to be
something you ain't?
186
00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:13,375
Man, you would've never
said that shit to Wu-Tang.
187
00:11:13,464 --> 00:11:15,764
Or Kendrick when he's
trying to be Kung Fu Kenny,
188
00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:18,051
or Nicki Minaj when she's
trying to play Chun-Li.
189
00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:19,550
Bitch, I'm on the tip!
190
00:11:19,595 --> 00:11:21,425
Yeah, like vanilla iced matcha latte.
191
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:24,140
You frontin' Asian? You frontin' white?
192
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,730
Bet you eat that nasty-ass
qui-noa shit too, huh?
193
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:32,480
"Quinoa... "
194
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:35,817
is fucking delicious.
195
00:11:35,903 --> 00:11:37,413
Spoken like a true white boy.
196
00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,680
There's only two things I really miss
197
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,350
about the way things were.
198
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:04,849
Reading a Nicholas Sparks novel
cover to cover the day it comes out
199
00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:07,056
and live-tweeting The Bachelor.
200
00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:08,635
You eat people's hearts.
201
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,058
Doesn't mean I don't have one.
202
00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:13,476
Why are you keeping me alive?
203
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:15,650
We're not killers.
204
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,565
I don't like being locked up,
205
00:12:17,653 --> 00:12:19,953
but watching you and
Turbo has got me hooked.
206
00:12:20,489 --> 00:12:22,779
The romance, betrayal, secrets.
207
00:12:22,867 --> 00:12:24,197
What's gonna happen next?
208
00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:27,200
I don't think you and I engaging
in discourse is advisable.
209
00:12:27,220 --> 00:12:28,230
Oh?
210
00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:31,247
Well, who encouraged
you to take AP English
211
00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:32,793
so you could boost up your GPA?
212
00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:33,877
You did.
213
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:35,760
Who gave you his FilmStruck password
214
00:12:35,790 --> 00:12:37,551
so you could watch those Kurosawa films?
215
00:12:37,631 --> 00:12:39,931
- You did.
- And who comforted you
216
00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:42,009
when Jessie Felk broke your heart?
217
00:12:42,094 --> 00:12:43,184
Omar from The Wire.
218
00:12:43,262 --> 00:12:45,312
Yeah, but who told you
to watch The Wire?
219
00:12:45,389 --> 00:12:47,929
- You told me to watch season two.
- Season two is amazing.
220
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:49,387
Only white dudes like season two!
221
00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:52,147
You could surgically remove season
two, and no one would miss it.
222
00:12:52,229 --> 00:12:53,479
Don't you miss this, Wesley?
223
00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,976
Talking around the
proverbial water cooler.
224
00:12:58,110 --> 00:12:59,820
You're eyeing me like a steak.
225
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,034
Nah, that's just sympathy.
226
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:03,868
I know what you're going through.
227
00:13:03,949 --> 00:13:07,199
You're being pulled between
two friends, again.
228
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:08,787
I remember.
229
00:13:09,371 --> 00:13:11,791
I know what your cousin said
to you at the pep rally.
230
00:13:13,334 --> 00:13:15,504
He said, "Ease up, cuz.
231
00:13:15,586 --> 00:13:16,916
Take it easy on me out there.
232
00:13:17,004 --> 00:13:18,424
I need this win. You don't.
233
00:13:18,506 --> 00:13:19,876
You can let me win."
234
00:13:21,425 --> 00:13:22,755
He even said...
235
00:13:22,843 --> 00:13:25,143
Please.
236
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:29,180
Selfish brat wanted you to throw
the game so that he could win.
237
00:13:29,266 --> 00:13:30,806
You don't know shit about my cousin.
238
00:13:33,687 --> 00:13:36,817
I know about playing ninja
at Rancho Cienega Rec.
239
00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:38,981
I know he was just gutted
240
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:40,398
when you left Compton.
241
00:13:43,447 --> 00:13:44,617
How do you know that?
242
00:13:44,698 --> 00:13:45,828
Because...
243
00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:49,330
I ate Emmett, you blerd.
244
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,790
You deserve your cage.
245
00:14:00,089 --> 00:14:02,089
You're gonna hurt everyone you love.
246
00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:04,967
And I'll be here...
247
00:14:05,052 --> 00:14:06,602
binging every episode.
248
00:14:27,324 --> 00:14:29,544
Looks like someone is spying on you.
249
00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:32,084
Dun, dun, dun!
250
00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:36,379
PART 2: DUN, DUN, DUN
251
00:14:49,763 --> 00:14:51,103
You gotta be kidding me.
252
00:14:52,391 --> 00:14:53,851
Whoa, that's my board.
253
00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,067
Right, you don't speak
any English. Okay.
254
00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:07,447
No.
255
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,080
That...
256
00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:10,493
is mine.
257
00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:18,212
Angelica.
258
00:15:26,342 --> 00:15:27,472
Thanks.
259
00:15:27,551 --> 00:15:28,551
Angelica?
260
00:15:29,553 --> 00:15:31,473
I know what you're doing,
and you have to stop.
261
00:15:31,555 --> 00:15:33,265
I look so pretty in my dress!
262
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:34,933
Why is she yelling?
263
00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:36,517
I put plugs in her ears.
264
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,266
I have plugs in my ears!
265
00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:40,694
So she won't be bothered
by the music at the dance.
266
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,733
No, I have plugs in my ears.
267
00:15:42,816 --> 00:15:45,026
I'm trying to fix the sound thing.
268
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:48,820
Yeah, by hanging blankets on the
wall like this is a freshmen dorm!
269
00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:50,776
You didn't even go to
our school, Angelica.
270
00:15:50,780 --> 00:15:52,180
Why do you care so
much about this dance?
271
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:53,986
Everyone likes to dance!
272
00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:56,498
Music stimulates the
orbital frontal cortex,
273
00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:58,250
and dance activates the cerebellum.
274
00:15:58,749 --> 00:16:01,209
Every culture, around the world,
275
00:16:01,290 --> 00:16:02,320
throughout time,
276
00:16:02,350 --> 00:16:03,566
they all shake their booty.
277
00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:06,089
That includes me, the Witch,
278
00:16:06,173 --> 00:16:10,013
Wesley, KJ, you...
279
00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:13,064
Oh, no, no. KJ and I...
280
00:16:13,660 --> 00:16:14,724
never gonna happen.
281
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,847
But you guys have so much in common!
282
00:16:16,934 --> 00:16:18,524
You both skate, and you...
283
00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:22,902
skate.
284
00:16:24,733 --> 00:16:27,863
I know you miss Sam, but she's dead.
285
00:16:28,445 --> 00:16:31,365
Your little meet-cutes are meet-stupids.
286
00:16:31,448 --> 00:16:32,528
And they have to stop.
287
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,493
There are five stages of grief:
288
00:16:36,203 --> 00:16:39,253
denial, anger, depression,
289
00:16:39,331 --> 00:16:41,671
rebound sex, Korean spa.
290
00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:47,969
The spider venom has mutated.
291
00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:50,338
It's super toxic. Death on contact.
292
00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:52,006
Ms. Crumble's crown is lethal.
293
00:16:52,094 --> 00:16:54,104
- Don't touch.
- Yes, yes!
294
00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:56,349
- I do like horchata!
- Oh, no!
295
00:16:56,432 --> 00:16:58,562
Yes, it's cinnamon-y goodness!
296
00:16:58,642 --> 00:17:00,732
- Ow!
- Just stop.
297
00:17:00,811 --> 00:17:03,811
It says you do as I say, and it
automatically casts a vote for me
298
00:17:03,897 --> 00:17:05,517
as Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty.
299
00:17:06,066 --> 00:17:07,606
Just sign here, Other Gay Josh.
300
00:17:08,318 --> 00:17:10,318
Uh, Gay Josh is dead,
301
00:17:10,904 --> 00:17:13,374
so I think I should
just be Gay Josh now.
302
00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:15,949
You can't appropriate
someone's identity!
303
00:17:16,410 --> 00:17:18,040
Show some damned respect!
304
00:17:26,628 --> 00:17:28,298
Now we can talk privately.
305
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:29,971
How much did you see?
306
00:17:32,676 --> 00:17:34,960
Enough to start a new
streaming porn service.
307
00:17:34,980 --> 00:17:35,992
That was sick.
308
00:17:36,013 --> 00:17:38,723
Don't be one of those homophobic,
small-minded, backsliding,
309
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:40,340
pearl-clutching, rainbow hating,
310
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:41,887
no-keg-selling Westboro book burners!
311
00:17:41,977 --> 00:17:44,647
I don't care if you dig bagpiping,
312
00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:46,650
but you're bagpiping Turbo, bro!
313
00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:48,782
But you knew that!
314
00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:50,689
You've been blackmailing me for weeks!
315
00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:52,988
Here's the trill, I lied!
316
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,782
Okay, it's one of my moves.
317
00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:58,405
I narrow my eyes all seriously and
say, "I know your secret, Fists."
318
00:17:58,494 --> 00:18:00,084
You're the dump truck who took the bait!
319
00:18:00,162 --> 00:18:01,162
Pretty sneaky, sis.
320
00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:04,666
My IQ level is Gucci.
321
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:05,760
Now, turn off that music
322
00:18:05,793 --> 00:18:07,993
before your milkshake brings
all the ghouls to the yard.
323
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,104
Hey, hey, what are you doing? Hey!
324
00:18:20,849 --> 00:18:22,269
Yo... Hey!
325
00:18:23,190 --> 00:18:24,207
Hey!
326
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:25,560
You're a pacifist!
327
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:27,186
You're not gonna let me die out here!
328
00:18:27,272 --> 00:18:28,862
You can't blackmail me if you're brunch!
329
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:30,781
I'm not letting you control my destiny.
330
00:18:30,859 --> 00:18:32,239
I'm telling Josh everything.
331
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:34,702
What do you think Josh is gonna say
332
00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:37,830
when he finds out his best friend
is a full-on Benedict Cumberbatch?
333
00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:39,538
You mean Benedict Arnold?
334
00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:43,209
I mean I'm gonna be eggs
Benedict lobster hollandaise
335
00:18:43,288 --> 00:18:44,498
if you don't open this fucking door!
336
00:18:44,581 --> 00:18:47,171
You had your reach-around with the
devil. Now you gotta kill Josh.
337
00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:48,341
I can't!
338
00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:51,459
If you don't kill Josh,
you're gonna kill the rest of us!
339
00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:53,587
A wise man once said,
340
00:18:53,674 --> 00:18:56,434
"The needs of many outweigh the
needs of one dead Canadian."
341
00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:57,970
You're quoting Star Trek.
342
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:00,471
Spock is a space samurai!
343
00:19:01,348 --> 00:19:02,558
Hey, hey! Wes!
344
00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:03,641
Where are you going?
345
00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:06,811
Wes!
346
00:19:22,110 --> 00:19:23,880
Just as these monsters tore apart
347
00:19:23,900 --> 00:19:25,409
this sweet ass ghetto blaster,
348
00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:27,917
so too was Wesley's soul torn asunder,
349
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:30,917
in the present, and in the past.
350
00:19:32,546 --> 00:19:33,876
Hadouken!
351
00:19:38,468 --> 00:19:39,758
You win!
352
00:19:41,388 --> 00:19:42,558
You never lose as Ryu.
353
00:19:43,056 --> 00:19:44,676
Compton must have you rattled.
354
00:19:44,766 --> 00:19:46,846
The buttons are sticking is all, okay?
355
00:19:46,935 --> 00:19:48,645
This game gets us into state.
356
00:19:49,104 --> 00:19:50,694
College scouts are coming.
357
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:53,147
Also, you know Coach is dying?
358
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:56,202
- I thought Coach was retiring.
- He's retiring because he's dying.
359
00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:58,028
This is on your shoulders, QB.
360
00:19:58,113 --> 00:20:00,203
But you could be on the QT.
361
00:20:02,993 --> 00:20:04,913
Round Two, fight!
362
00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:08,212
Hey, what's Guile's secret move?
363
00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:10,290
Front, back, kick, kick, kick.
364
00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:11,625
What's your secret move?
365
00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:14,377
You are.
366
00:20:16,089 --> 00:20:17,419
I'm just a defensive back.
367
00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:20,135
Ten interceptions, three pick sixes.
368
00:20:20,677 --> 00:20:23,177
- You know my line?
- I know all your lines.
369
00:20:24,389 --> 00:20:26,479
I don't have your knowledge
of kung fu movies,
370
00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:27,848
but I know Karate Kid.
371
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:31,101
Tonight, you have to sweep the leg.
372
00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:33,728
You take out their top receiver, we win.
373
00:20:33,815 --> 00:20:35,145
You know Daniel still beats Johnny
374
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:36,944
and gets the All Valley
Karate Championship trophy.
375
00:20:37,027 --> 00:20:38,947
Johnny didn't have the bro
globes to finish him.
376
00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:40,989
Daniel sent a crane kick.
377
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,623
"If do right, no can defense."
378
00:20:42,699 --> 00:20:45,699
Yes, can defense. Easy can defense.
You just take a step back.
379
00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:49,826
He did kind of walk right into it.
380
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:53,125
Yeah. Johnny just felt all sorry
for all the shit he did to Daniel.
381
00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:55,340
Daniel didn't win.
Johnny had a limp dick.
382
00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:00,720
- Yeah!
- See, that's what I'm talking about!
383
00:21:06,306 --> 00:21:07,426
Emmett is my family.
384
00:21:07,516 --> 00:21:09,886
Your family calls you a bitch
in front of the whole school.
385
00:21:09,977 --> 00:21:13,397
Maybe he's right! Maybe I am
fronting so I can fit in around here.
386
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:15,520
Acting all ninja so y'all
would dig me or some shit.
387
00:21:15,857 --> 00:21:18,607
You are something too cool
for him to even fathom.
388
00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:21,986
Don't play me.
389
00:21:24,658 --> 00:21:25,698
I like you.
390
00:21:28,203 --> 00:21:29,583
I play a lot of games.
391
00:21:31,248 --> 00:21:33,078
But want to know how I
know you're for real?
392
00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:53,148
The hell is going on with you?
393
00:21:53,478 --> 00:21:55,768
Stepping out? Leaving the
school all by yourself?
394
00:21:56,690 --> 00:21:58,030
You're being sloppy.
395
00:21:58,817 --> 00:22:00,397
People are gonna ask questions.
396
00:22:02,529 --> 00:22:03,609
Hey!
397
00:22:06,783 --> 00:22:09,178
You chose me to be your right
hand 'cause I'm not weak sauce.
398
00:22:09,578 --> 00:22:10,698
And I'm no idiot.
399
00:22:10,787 --> 00:22:13,497
I know where you've been, and
I know who you've been with.
400
00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:15,833
You're hooking up with Wesley.
401
00:22:16,209 --> 00:22:18,959
He invited us to come to a dance.
402
00:22:31,808 --> 00:22:32,808
I get it.
403
00:22:33,435 --> 00:22:34,685
You fucking love the guy,
404
00:22:35,437 --> 00:22:36,687
and he fucking loves you.
405
00:22:37,689 --> 00:22:40,029
And you're both so fucking lucky.
406
00:22:40,984 --> 00:22:44,494
Shit, I'd kill for someone to look
at me the way Wesley looks at you.
407
00:22:45,906 --> 00:22:46,906
It's...
408
00:22:47,616 --> 00:22:48,946
It's really beautiful.
409
00:22:56,625 --> 00:22:58,335
But there's no time for love.
410
00:22:58,710 --> 00:22:59,880
You go to that mall,
411
00:22:59,961 --> 00:23:01,341
do the Cabbage Patch with Wesley,
412
00:23:01,421 --> 00:23:03,301
and make peace with those mall rats?
413
00:23:03,673 --> 00:23:06,343
It'll show everyone you've gone soft,
414
00:23:06,426 --> 00:23:08,216
ripe for a Groupon-d'état.
415
00:23:09,388 --> 00:23:12,558
Everyone will try to
overthrow your ass at once.
416
00:23:13,767 --> 00:23:14,767
Or...
417
00:23:15,727 --> 00:23:17,477
we can have our own homecoming dance.
418
00:23:18,522 --> 00:23:20,192
Show them all how it gets done.
419
00:23:22,859 --> 00:23:25,609
What? Everyone likes to dance.
420
00:24:52,032 --> 00:24:54,032
You can't kill Josh. It has to be me.
421
00:24:54,117 --> 00:24:56,367
- That's how Turbo wants it.
- How do you know that?
422
00:25:07,506 --> 00:25:08,876
So what are we gonna do?
423
00:25:11,510 --> 00:25:13,260
I got to put my thinking cap on.
424
00:25:16,598 --> 00:25:18,138
I used to be a king,
425
00:25:19,226 --> 00:25:21,226
a fair, noble ruler.
426
00:25:22,562 --> 00:25:23,772
Just me and Mavis.
427
00:25:24,439 --> 00:25:27,029
Our threads were dope,
and I got to sink the pink
428
00:25:27,108 --> 00:25:28,438
three times a day.
429
00:25:29,110 --> 00:25:30,280
That's true love.
430
00:25:31,780 --> 00:25:33,160
And then Josh happened.
431
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,780
He busts in my mall,
he camps in my mall,
432
00:25:35,867 --> 00:25:37,407
brought all these kids into my mall.
433
00:25:37,494 --> 00:25:39,600
And now they're gonna vote for Josh
434
00:25:39,620 --> 00:25:41,620
as Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty?
435
00:25:42,332 --> 00:25:44,882
Face it. I mean, dude deserves to die.
436
00:25:45,669 --> 00:25:48,209
I don't want to kill Josh, but...
437
00:25:55,095 --> 00:25:56,095
if I did,
438
00:25:57,430 --> 00:26:01,350
it'd have to be quick, and
painless, and untraceable.
439
00:26:03,300 --> 00:26:04,375
A perfect murder.
440
00:26:04,396 --> 00:26:05,396
Mm...
441
00:26:06,356 --> 00:26:07,606
We get a mutant pug.
442
00:26:08,024 --> 00:26:09,324
A falling air conditioner.
443
00:26:09,401 --> 00:26:10,401
We get a hippo.
444
00:26:10,944 --> 00:26:12,324
A hive of angry bees.
445
00:26:12,404 --> 00:26:13,914
We get a shark.
446
00:26:13,989 --> 00:26:15,199
Ricin cigarette.
447
00:26:15,282 --> 00:26:16,452
Banana peel.
448
00:26:16,533 --> 00:26:17,623
Parking meter?
449
00:26:17,701 --> 00:26:19,371
An angry Roomba.
450
00:26:19,452 --> 00:26:20,952
Reprogram the escalator.
451
00:26:21,538 --> 00:26:23,578
Truck with lots of rebar in it.
452
00:26:23,665 --> 00:26:24,915
A whole bunch of marbles.
453
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:26,840
Oh, an exploding xylophone.
454
00:26:26,918 --> 00:26:28,038
Texting while driving.
455
00:26:28,128 --> 00:26:29,248
Ricin cigarette.
456
00:26:29,838 --> 00:26:30,838
I said that.
457
00:26:31,381 --> 00:26:32,381
Oh.
458
00:26:33,091 --> 00:26:35,261
Um, extra-long bungee cord.
459
00:26:37,262 --> 00:26:38,432
Hot dog eating contest.
460
00:26:38,513 --> 00:26:40,353
Oh, a parkour contest.
461
00:26:40,432 --> 00:26:41,812
Freddy Krueger cosplay.
462
00:26:41,891 --> 00:26:43,271
- Pray to Thor.
- Kale.
463
00:26:43,351 --> 00:26:45,811
Waterboarding by Ghoulie jizz.
464
00:26:46,980 --> 00:26:47,980
The fuck?
465
00:26:53,695 --> 00:26:56,485
Shit, I don't want to do this.
466
00:26:57,657 --> 00:26:58,657
But damn...
467
00:27:01,161 --> 00:27:02,411
I know what I have to do.
468
00:27:17,677 --> 00:27:18,887
Um...
469
00:27:31,149 --> 00:27:33,109
Um... Uh...
470
00:27:33,652 --> 00:27:34,652
I...
471
00:27:35,862 --> 00:27:37,452
I just want to ask you something.
472
00:27:38,907 --> 00:27:39,907
Yes!
473
00:27:42,994 --> 00:27:44,004
PART 3: THE POISON CROWN
474
00:27:44,079 --> 00:27:46,329
While everyone in the mall
got ready for the dance,
475
00:27:46,414 --> 00:27:49,464
Wesley Fists got ready to
assassinate Josh Wheeler.
476
00:27:50,835 --> 00:27:54,255
Wesley's favorite kung-fu movie
was a classic piece of cinema:
477
00:27:54,339 --> 00:27:56,219
The Man with the Poison Crown.
478
00:27:56,966 --> 00:28:00,296
In the film, a dethroned prince
enters a tournament of death
479
00:28:00,387 --> 00:28:02,887
to regain his empire with
his favorite weapon,
480
00:28:02,972 --> 00:28:05,732
the aforementioned toxic tiara.
481
00:28:09,020 --> 00:28:11,020
Fists's plan was bold and decisive.
482
00:28:11,523 --> 00:28:14,113
After saving the kids
from Baron Triumph,
483
00:28:14,192 --> 00:28:17,152
Josh was certain to win the
gender-neutral homecoming title.
484
00:28:18,279 --> 00:28:21,699
Mutant spider venom kills on contact.
485
00:28:22,325 --> 00:28:23,985
When Josh puts the crown on...
486
00:28:24,911 --> 00:28:27,251
instant death, a tragic accident.
487
00:28:27,664 --> 00:28:30,004
The weapon is set, the deed is done.
488
00:28:30,583 --> 00:28:32,923
No regrets, no turning back.
489
00:28:38,967 --> 00:28:40,677
♪ I feel like I'm on one ♪
490
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:42,510
♪ Banging on to someone ♪
491
00:28:42,595 --> 00:28:44,425
♪ Before it comes undone ♪
492
00:28:44,514 --> 00:28:46,474
♪ I'm gonna eat my cake ♪
493
00:28:48,059 --> 00:28:49,139
♪ I'm gonna... ♪
494
00:28:49,894 --> 00:28:50,904
♪ I'm gonna... ♪
495
00:28:51,771 --> 00:28:52,771
♪ I'm gonna... ♪
496
00:28:54,230 --> 00:28:55,840
♪ I'm going to tear up the lexicon ♪
497
00:28:55,880 --> 00:28:57,900
♪ With a hexagon and my sexy thong on ♪
498
00:28:57,940 --> 00:28:59,759
♪ No matter where your head is gone ♪
499
00:28:59,770 --> 00:29:01,100
♪ Or where you're from,
I'ma take you on ♪
500
00:29:01,156 --> 00:29:02,236
♪ It's not about you ♪
501
00:29:02,250 --> 00:29:03,500
♪ I'ma shake it like I'm Esteban ♪
502
00:29:03,530 --> 00:29:05,623
♪ On an Autobahn with
a cordless arm and ♪
503
00:29:05,700 --> 00:29:07,320
♪ I'll see you at the after-party ♪
504
00:29:07,350 --> 00:29:09,122
♪ In a pink Bugatti and
an evil ska band ♪
505
00:29:09,205 --> 00:29:10,205
♪ It's not about you ♪
506
00:29:10,220 --> 00:29:13,630
♪ All talk, hold court,
oh, lord I understood ♪
507
00:29:13,710 --> 00:29:15,130
♪ No more brick wall... ♪
508
00:29:28,767 --> 00:29:30,550
♪ It's not about you ♪
509
00:29:30,570 --> 00:29:31,582
♪ Shut up ♪
510
00:29:31,603 --> 00:29:33,813
♪ It's not about me either ♪
511
00:29:33,897 --> 00:29:35,897
♪ It's us versus the Grim Reaper ♪
512
00:29:35,982 --> 00:29:37,982
♪ Chill, chill, chill ♪
513
00:29:38,067 --> 00:29:39,527
♪ You look like a tortoise ♪
514
00:29:39,611 --> 00:29:41,361
♪ Your issues are enormous ♪
515
00:29:41,863 --> 00:29:43,413
♪ In my eyes, you're flawless ♪
516
00:29:43,490 --> 00:29:45,370
♪ I'm gonna share my cake ♪
517
00:29:46,743 --> 00:29:48,243
♪ I'm gonna ♪
518
00:29:51,790 --> 00:29:52,790
Oh, no!
519
00:29:53,750 --> 00:29:55,340
You wanted me to come to the dance.
520
00:29:55,418 --> 00:29:57,128
With a human!
521
00:29:57,212 --> 00:30:00,172
Not a pile of dirty string
that smells like ammonia.
522
00:30:02,842 --> 00:30:04,392
But I saw you talking to KJ.
523
00:30:04,469 --> 00:30:06,549
Yeah, she helped me set up
these Bluetooth headphones.
524
00:30:06,638 --> 00:30:09,218
I knew how important this dance
was to everyone, and you,
525
00:30:09,307 --> 00:30:11,887
so I just wanted to make
sure it really happened.
526
00:30:11,976 --> 00:30:13,596
So you could dance with Mop Sam?
527
00:30:13,680 --> 00:30:15,840
Look, in junior high, we had to go
528
00:30:15,860 --> 00:30:17,396
to the school dances for gym credit.
529
00:30:17,482 --> 00:30:19,532
So if you weren't busting
a move with a girl,
530
00:30:20,485 --> 00:30:22,605
Mr. Ziphlo made you dance with a mop.
531
00:30:22,695 --> 00:30:26,025
This is the saddest thing
I've heard in my entire life.
532
00:30:26,950 --> 00:30:29,200
And I survived a nuclear holocaust.
533
00:30:29,285 --> 00:30:33,245
I was one of the guys who never had
the courage to ask a girl out.
534
00:30:34,332 --> 00:30:36,712
But then I asked Sam to the
homecoming dance, and...
535
00:30:37,585 --> 00:30:38,795
she said yes.
536
00:30:39,587 --> 00:30:40,667
I miss Sam.
537
00:30:41,965 --> 00:30:43,255
Ooh, slow jam!
538
00:30:53,393 --> 00:30:57,153
♪ Saying I love you ♪
539
00:30:57,230 --> 00:31:03,610
♪ Is not the words I
want to hear from you ♪
540
00:31:03,695 --> 00:31:07,905
♪ It's not that I want you ♪
541
00:31:07,991 --> 00:31:11,161
♪ Not to say, but if you... ♪
542
00:31:15,999 --> 00:31:18,329
You got this, 54.
543
00:31:20,378 --> 00:31:22,548
Hey, Mona, you want to dance?
544
00:31:23,298 --> 00:31:25,008
Do I look like I eat white meat?
545
00:31:27,635 --> 00:31:28,845
This dance sucks!
546
00:31:29,387 --> 00:31:32,097
We had another balloon,
but Barry went and popped it.
547
00:31:32,181 --> 00:31:33,641
In solidarity with Terry.
548
00:31:33,725 --> 00:31:36,935
RIP Terry, RIP Jerry, RIP Larry.
549
00:31:37,645 --> 00:31:39,645
These mopes just need
some encouragement.
550
00:31:39,731 --> 00:31:41,231
Quit sulking and dance.
551
00:31:42,358 --> 00:31:43,358
Now!
552
00:31:54,162 --> 00:31:55,542
We're not much of a team, Barry.
553
00:31:55,622 --> 00:31:57,082
Oh, don't get glum, Gary.
554
00:31:57,165 --> 00:31:59,165
There's plenty of two-person teams.
555
00:31:59,959 --> 00:32:01,209
Beach volleyball,
556
00:32:01,878 --> 00:32:02,958
doubles tennis,
557
00:32:03,630 --> 00:32:04,630
jai alai,
558
00:32:05,500 --> 00:32:06,545
bobsledding...
559
00:32:06,633 --> 00:32:07,973
Bobsledding doesn't have a ball.
560
00:32:08,509 --> 00:32:10,929
Well maybe we recruit some new members.
561
00:32:11,012 --> 00:32:13,352
No one's enlisting. We got
a target on our back.
562
00:32:13,431 --> 00:32:15,731
Nah, it's on our fucking face.
563
00:32:16,476 --> 00:32:18,686
They're taking odds on which
one of us is gonna die next.
564
00:32:18,770 --> 00:32:21,520
Okay, look. These jocks
are swole on steroids.
565
00:32:21,606 --> 00:32:23,516
Golf is a thinking bro's game.
566
00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:25,040
We don't act rash,
567
00:32:25,068 --> 00:32:27,238
but we methodically plot
our path to the hole.
568
00:32:28,112 --> 00:32:29,822
They don't call us masters for nothing.
569
00:32:29,906 --> 00:32:32,116
Yeah. Green is my favorite color.
570
00:32:32,200 --> 00:32:34,120
We only need two members to be a team.
571
00:32:34,202 --> 00:32:35,952
I got your back, you got mine.
572
00:32:36,037 --> 00:32:37,707
I got your back, you got mine.
573
00:33:05,441 --> 00:33:07,321
Voting is closed, friends.
574
00:33:07,402 --> 00:33:09,250
Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty
575
00:33:09,283 --> 00:33:11,912
will be officially
announced in five minutes.
576
00:33:16,703 --> 00:33:18,963
If you think this tale has a happy end,
577
00:33:19,030 --> 00:33:21,540
if you hope the rōnin will
see the error of his ways
578
00:33:21,570 --> 00:33:22,860
and save the day...
579
00:33:22,917 --> 00:33:25,587
well, then you haven't been
paying attention at all.
580
00:33:26,212 --> 00:33:30,132
PART 4: THE BIG GAME
581
00:33:36,389 --> 00:33:38,429
You look like a homecoming queen!
582
00:33:39,434 --> 00:33:40,984
You and Turbo make a cute couple.
583
00:33:41,477 --> 00:33:43,807
Uh, you and Turbo make a cute couple.
584
00:33:46,107 --> 00:33:47,107
How did you know?
585
00:33:48,568 --> 00:33:49,688
I see how you look at him.
586
00:33:49,777 --> 00:33:50,817
He's DTF.
587
00:33:52,030 --> 00:33:53,990
But IDK. It's TBD.
588
00:33:56,701 --> 00:33:57,951
You should be Homecoming King.
589
00:33:58,286 --> 00:34:00,116
I'm more the guy behind the guy.
590
00:34:01,873 --> 00:34:02,923
Not a gay thing.
591
00:34:03,708 --> 00:34:04,708
Just...
592
00:34:05,543 --> 00:34:06,543
truth.
593
00:34:08,546 --> 00:34:10,046
Well, I voted for you.
594
00:34:11,174 --> 00:34:13,384
Everybody voted for Turbo.
595
00:34:14,761 --> 00:34:16,181
You're a football player,
596
00:34:16,262 --> 00:34:19,352
a film geek, the only gay samurai
to pull off tie dye pants,
597
00:34:19,432 --> 00:34:21,182
and you always have the sickest weed.
598
00:34:21,684 --> 00:34:23,734
Sense and Sensimilla is good.
599
00:34:24,228 --> 00:34:26,398
I personally like Get Out of
My Dreams and Into My Pipe.
600
00:34:26,481 --> 00:34:28,821
When I grow up, I want
to make my own strain.
601
00:34:29,609 --> 00:34:30,609
420 Rōnin.
602
00:34:35,570 --> 00:34:37,160
We're supposed to be spending this time
603
00:34:37,190 --> 00:34:38,760
finding out who we really are.
604
00:34:39,410 --> 00:34:42,750
And you, my friend, are the only
one who's brave enough to try.
605
00:34:43,498 --> 00:34:44,748
That is why you're royalty.
606
00:34:44,832 --> 00:34:46,042
I'm just trying to survive.
607
00:34:47,085 --> 00:34:48,125
I got friends,
608
00:34:48,711 --> 00:34:50,671
my team, Turbo,
609
00:34:51,798 --> 00:34:53,418
family, Emmett.
610
00:34:55,259 --> 00:34:56,299
And still...
611
00:34:58,137 --> 00:35:00,007
I feel so alone.
612
00:35:04,936 --> 00:35:06,346
I have over...
613
00:35:07,021 --> 00:35:10,151
a million followers since
Josh posted that video.
614
00:35:10,233 --> 00:35:12,743
But finding that one
person who really gets...
615
00:35:19,242 --> 00:35:21,582
There are so many conditions
on unconditional love.
616
00:35:21,661 --> 00:35:22,871
I have to choose...
617
00:35:23,621 --> 00:35:24,621
between Emmett...
618
00:35:25,456 --> 00:35:26,456
and Turbo.
619
00:35:28,501 --> 00:35:30,091
Whoever I choose...
620
00:35:30,169 --> 00:35:31,169
I lose the other.
621
00:35:33,548 --> 00:35:34,548
Probably forever.
622
00:35:34,924 --> 00:35:36,344
You're a regular Yojimbo.
623
00:35:37,885 --> 00:35:39,215
You should do what I did.
624
00:35:41,430 --> 00:35:42,770
Choose Wesley.
625
00:35:52,108 --> 00:35:53,648
Set, hike!
626
00:36:01,492 --> 00:36:03,952
Fourth quarter, two
minutes on the clock.
627
00:36:04,036 --> 00:36:07,826
Glendale's up by five, Compton
has the ball on their 20.
628
00:36:07,915 --> 00:36:09,285
If Compton makes this drive,
629
00:36:09,375 --> 00:36:11,415
they could win the whole bangalanga.
630
00:36:11,502 --> 00:36:14,632
Now Wesley's cousin wants him to
cheat, so he can win the game.
631
00:36:15,173 --> 00:36:18,553
Wesley's boyfriend wants him to
cheat, so he can win the game.
632
00:36:20,845 --> 00:36:22,965
How do you win a no-win situation?
633
00:36:34,567 --> 00:36:37,027
Instead of choosing Emmett or Turbo,
634
00:36:37,445 --> 00:36:39,735
Wesley followed Sam Dean's advice.
635
00:36:40,239 --> 00:36:41,699
He chose himself.
636
00:36:42,700 --> 00:36:44,740
He shoved one player into another.
637
00:36:44,827 --> 00:36:47,787
It only takes a minimal amount
of friction to start a fire.
638
00:36:48,539 --> 00:36:50,749
That fire can light a fuse,
639
00:36:50,833 --> 00:36:52,383
and when it burns down...
640
00:36:52,460 --> 00:36:55,090
Boom! There goes the dynamite.
641
00:36:55,171 --> 00:36:57,671
Tempers flared so hot
that chilly autumn eve
642
00:36:57,757 --> 00:37:00,717
that the ground temperature
rose about 11 degrees,
643
00:37:00,801 --> 00:37:03,261
and Wesley Fists evaded
the impossible choice
644
00:37:03,387 --> 00:37:06,217
by eliminating the
unanswerable question.
645
00:37:06,766 --> 00:37:08,096
And by doing so,
646
00:37:08,184 --> 00:37:11,024
he truly became a samurai.
647
00:37:11,729 --> 00:37:14,229
Nah, that ain't what the fuck happened.
648
00:37:14,315 --> 00:37:16,565
That's just a lie that
Wesley tells himself.
649
00:37:16,651 --> 00:37:18,971
- What actually happened is this.
- Hike!
650
00:37:57,525 --> 00:37:58,935
What's the matter, Fists?
651
00:37:59,568 --> 00:38:01,238
You don't dig on hearing the truth?
652
00:38:14,041 --> 00:38:15,581
Yo, you can't run away from me.
653
00:38:15,668 --> 00:38:16,838
I'm in your head, kid.
654
00:38:17,336 --> 00:38:20,586
And I'm so sick of your
slash fiction bullshit.
655
00:38:20,673 --> 00:38:22,173
You have to say what I think!
656
00:38:22,717 --> 00:38:23,837
You're my narrator!
657
00:38:23,926 --> 00:38:26,926
Son, I'm the sharpest motherfucker
in the whole damn Clan.
658
00:38:27,013 --> 00:38:29,563
You know I speak the truth.
You picked the RZA, right?
659
00:38:29,640 --> 00:38:32,550
That's on you. Now, I'm
gonna tell you how it is.
660
00:38:32,685 --> 00:38:35,975
Easy! I'm the one dealing with
the end of the world up in here.
661
00:38:36,063 --> 00:38:37,600
You're so damned twisted, man,
662
00:38:37,634 --> 00:38:39,443
you don't even know
what is true or false.
663
00:38:39,525 --> 00:38:40,710
There was never even a movie
664
00:38:40,741 --> 00:38:42,855
called The Man With the
Poisoned Crown, yo!
665
00:38:42,945 --> 00:38:45,105
Yeah-huh! I saw it on Channel Five.
666
00:38:45,197 --> 00:38:47,240
You're mixing up Shogun Assassin
667
00:38:47,276 --> 00:38:48,867
with Master of the Flying Guillotine,
668
00:38:48,951 --> 00:38:50,121
which is offensive, right?
669
00:38:50,202 --> 00:38:52,752
Because kung fu and samurai
are different cultures.
670
00:38:52,830 --> 00:38:53,830
Shit!
671
00:38:53,914 --> 00:38:55,174
Children make shit up, man,
672
00:38:55,249 --> 00:38:57,249
so they can be heroes of their story.
673
00:38:57,335 --> 00:38:58,625
Emmett was right!
674
00:38:59,378 --> 00:39:01,338
I am a fake! I'm no samurai!
675
00:39:01,922 --> 00:39:03,302
I'm camp as fuck!
676
00:39:03,382 --> 00:39:05,722
It's not your fault you
want to be a samurai.
677
00:39:05,801 --> 00:39:09,181
See, that's the economical pressure
being expressed as warrior code.
678
00:39:09,263 --> 00:39:12,103
It started when young black men
couldn't afford to go to the movies
679
00:39:12,183 --> 00:39:13,773
so we watched kung fu reruns.
680
00:39:14,268 --> 00:39:16,518
We found beauty in things
that had been neglected.
681
00:39:16,604 --> 00:39:19,024
We saw the lotus flower
growing out of the mud.
682
00:39:19,106 --> 00:39:22,396
It spun out to everything, man,
from Jim Kelly to The Last Dragon
683
00:39:22,485 --> 00:39:23,815
to Sho'nuff Shogun.
684
00:39:23,903 --> 00:39:25,203
This shit gonna be on the test?
685
00:39:25,654 --> 00:39:27,034
Are you gonna help me out here?
686
00:39:27,740 --> 00:39:29,740
Man, look at yourself.
687
00:39:30,451 --> 00:39:31,701
Look at yourself!
688
00:39:41,504 --> 00:39:42,714
You didn't choose you.
689
00:39:43,672 --> 00:39:44,762
You chose Turbo.
690
00:39:45,591 --> 00:39:47,181
And you can't even admit it.
691
00:39:47,259 --> 00:39:48,799
You can't help who you love.
692
00:39:49,345 --> 00:39:51,005
And you're never gonna
find that redemption
693
00:39:51,097 --> 00:39:52,967
if you keep making the
same damn mistake.
694
00:40:12,410 --> 00:40:13,660
I need to tell you...
695
00:40:14,537 --> 00:40:15,537
everything.
696
00:40:17,700 --> 00:40:20,080
After the bomb, Turbo was the only one
697
00:40:20,110 --> 00:40:21,746
who had a game plan to survive.
698
00:40:21,836 --> 00:40:24,956
I followed him because I
loved him, and he loved me.
699
00:40:26,382 --> 00:40:27,382
Maybe too much.
700
00:40:42,731 --> 00:40:45,031
One day, I was talking
to Curtis Bedford.
701
00:40:45,609 --> 00:40:48,819
The next day, Turbo
impaled him on spikes.
702
00:40:48,904 --> 00:40:51,074
Turbo killed Tom Harthen
on American Ninja Idol
703
00:40:51,157 --> 00:40:52,777
because he said he liked my shoes.
704
00:40:52,867 --> 00:40:57,327
And more: Barbra, Grisby, Medici, Gray,
705
00:40:57,413 --> 00:41:00,213
all those kids died because
they were being nice to me.
706
00:41:00,624 --> 00:41:03,754
Why does Hollywood keep making
movies from comic books?
707
00:41:23,314 --> 00:41:24,734
That's why I'm a rōnin.
708
00:41:24,815 --> 00:41:26,275
That's why I need redemption.
709
00:41:26,660 --> 00:41:27,739
You're going to die
710
00:41:27,818 --> 00:41:30,858
because my ex-boyfriend can't
stand that you and I are friends.
711
00:41:36,577 --> 00:41:38,997
You put my song on the
soundtrack of our lives.
712
00:41:40,164 --> 00:41:41,424
Deltron 3030?
713
00:41:42,124 --> 00:41:43,714
Thanks for making me feel so cool, man.
714
00:41:43,792 --> 00:41:45,002
Did you hear what I said?
715
00:41:45,878 --> 00:41:47,418
I thought you were just singing along.
716
00:41:49,465 --> 00:41:53,795
It's now time to announce our
Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty!
717
00:41:58,641 --> 00:42:00,101
Mop Sam Dean...
718
00:42:00,184 --> 00:42:01,564
I love you, Mop Sam!
719
00:42:02,269 --> 00:42:03,769
And Wesley Fists!
720
00:42:05,689 --> 00:42:07,689
Samurai for the win! Yeah!
721
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:10,780
Well, I voted for you.
722
00:42:10,861 --> 00:42:12,821
I mean, you saved them.
723
00:42:13,239 --> 00:42:15,639
I made sure everyone knows that
you're the hero that we need.
724
00:42:28,128 --> 00:42:30,048
Irony is a bitch goddess.
725
00:42:30,130 --> 00:42:33,300
She puts that leather jacket on
sale the day after you buy it.
726
00:42:33,380 --> 00:42:35,140
She will make you gain five pounds
727
00:42:35,170 --> 00:42:37,184
after you was on a
two-week juice cleanse.
728
00:42:39,431 --> 00:42:41,431
And if you're plotting an assassination,
729
00:42:42,142 --> 00:42:45,312
you can be sure she will put a
plot twist in that motherfucker.
730
00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:54,070
Staring at the Grim Reaper,
Wesley didn't say,
731
00:42:54,154 --> 00:42:56,124
"If you like it, you
should've put a ring on it."
732
00:42:56,198 --> 00:42:58,408
He thought, "Maybe I deserve this."
733
00:43:00,860 --> 00:43:03,160
After Emmett, and Curtis, and Medici,
734
00:43:03,190 --> 00:43:05,369
and Barbra, and Grisby, and Gray,
735
00:43:05,457 --> 00:43:07,537
after betraying and lying to Josh,
736
00:43:07,626 --> 00:43:10,086
Wesley realized he's not the warrior.
737
00:43:10,170 --> 00:43:12,550
He's the bully. He's the bad guy.
738
00:43:12,631 --> 00:43:14,931
He's just like Johnny in The Karate Kid.
739
00:43:15,009 --> 00:43:17,679
And like Johnny, he has
to sacrifice himself
740
00:43:17,761 --> 00:43:19,681
so that the outcast can be the hero.
741
00:43:20,931 --> 00:43:22,561
Maybe if Wesley was dead,
742
00:43:22,641 --> 00:43:25,481
Turbo would be struck with grief,
and he'd call off his attack.
743
00:43:25,561 --> 00:43:27,101
Maybe this is the only way out.
744
00:43:29,148 --> 00:43:30,438
Stop!
745
00:43:30,524 --> 00:43:32,444
No one touch that crown!
746
00:43:44,747 --> 00:43:49,337
PART 5: THE IGNOBLE
AMBUSH OF TURBO BRO JOCK
747
00:44:24,870 --> 00:44:26,370
Wesley lied again.
748
00:44:26,747 --> 00:44:28,827
He learned this trick from Kurosawa.
749
00:44:28,916 --> 00:44:30,536
It's all about perspective,
750
00:44:30,626 --> 00:44:31,876
pulling a Rashomon.
751
00:44:32,461 --> 00:44:34,001
This is what he didn't show you.
752
00:44:34,421 --> 00:44:35,711
Stop!
753
00:44:35,798 --> 00:44:37,718
No one touch that crown.
754
00:44:39,343 --> 00:44:41,973
Turbo told me that he's gonna
come and kill you all.
755
00:44:43,681 --> 00:44:44,891
But I have a plan.
756
00:44:45,599 --> 00:44:47,059
I know how we can fight back.
757
00:44:49,812 --> 00:44:51,272
You have to trust me.
758
00:44:59,530 --> 00:45:01,620
Wesley set up decoys.
759
00:45:02,491 --> 00:45:05,291
Everyone hid, and you know the rest.
760
00:45:23,095 --> 00:45:25,845
In the end, Wesley chose wisely.
761
00:45:25,931 --> 00:45:27,431
He chose friendship.
762
00:45:27,516 --> 00:45:28,886
He chose himself.
763
00:45:29,351 --> 00:45:31,601
Maybe one day, he will end this quest,
764
00:45:31,687 --> 00:45:33,477
one day, he will be a samurai.
765
00:45:34,523 --> 00:45:35,573
But not today.
766
00:45:36,984 --> 00:45:37,994
It's like I said,
767
00:45:38,986 --> 00:45:40,526
this story does not end well.
768
00:45:43,574 --> 00:45:46,624
But, uh, that's a story
for another time.
769
00:45:50,050 --> 00:45:55,050
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.MY-SUBS.com --
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