All language subtitles for 06 - Teaching with the Enemy

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

This is the third time we've
been here in two weeks, Sam.

Any idea why you're having
so many fights?

Yeah, yeah, ever since that
biker bar closed down,

we're getting these
big apes coming in here.

I mean, what are
we supposed to do?

Be grateful.

You know something,

if you'd get over here
when I called you,

none of this would've happened.

Oh, oh, look at this.

Woody. Oh, man,
are you all right?

Yeah, I'm okay.

See, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.

We're gonna have to
file an injury report.

You bet you are.
Tell him, tell him what happened.

Well, I was downstairs
getting a case of scotch,

and there's that
one low beam...

What happened here?

(theme song begins)

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Can you believe this guy winning
12 million bucks in the lottery?

I... I mean, talk about
beating the odds.

Oh, yeah, you want to talk about
beating the odds,

my Uncle Spence fell 20,000 feet
from an airplane

and hit the only pile of hay
for two miles.

Jeez.

He must be the luckiest
man on earth.

Well, not really.

He went through
the propeller first.

There's the scariest human being
I've ever seen in my life.

Hmph. Boy. Yeah.

Remind me to congratulate
the doctor who created him.

You Sam?

Yeah, that's me.
Are you Tiny?

I'll be right with you.

Uh, Sam, you ought
to think about

wearing those reading
glasses all the time.

That guy's huge.

(chains jingling)

No, no, no, no.

That's his name.
Tiny's his name.

He was the bouncer
at that biker bar.

I figure if we're gonna
have that crowd in here,

I might as well
have him around. What do you think?

Oh, please, Sam.

If I promise to feed
him, can I keep him?

Yeah, I'll ask him.

Hey, Tiny, why don't you
fill out this application

so I can start checking
your references.

That's nuts.

Sam's wasting his money.

I could have done that job.

Sure, I'm taking karate
down at the YW...

The "Y."

(chains jingling)

So, Tiny, huh?
(chuckles)

That's a pretty funny nickname
given,

you know, how big you are.

Why?

You making fun of my name?

You think I got a joke name?

Do you think I'm
some kind of joke?

Tell Vera I loved her.

Hey, wait, ho!
Excuse me here.

Tiny there, my main man.

Hey, uh, step into my office.

I'll take care of this, Normie.

You see, Tiny, uh,

you know, calling you "tiny,"
a guy of your, you know, girth,

uh, is what we in
the comedy profession call a juxtaposition.

Right?
Yeah. Juxtaposition.

See, it's, uh,

calling a... calling a...
a bald guy "Curly."

Fat guy "Slim."

Tall guy... "Shorty."

I like that.
You're smart.

Why, thank you.

No, that's your new nickname.

Get it?
I made a joke.

And a fine joke it is, too, sir.

Hey, guys.

Now I know you sent me out
for snack food,

but I found this place called
The Healthy Alternative.

Now they have all your favourite
munchies, only organic,

with tofu and soy
and that sort of thing.

So I drove right past it,
went to the grocery store,

and got you a big box
of Fiddle Faddle.

Hey.

Lilith, I'm so jealous of you.

Excuse me?

Yeah, I-I saw you outside.

After seven years of marriage,

how do you guys keep
your relationship so hot?

I don't know what you mean.

Outside, I saw you in the car.

You were all over him.

Come on, it was great.

You were steaming up the windows
like a couple of teenagers.

Well, I've just won
five games in a row.

When you're hot, you're hot.

Oh, hi, Buttercup.

Now that's odd.

He's here and I just
saw the two of you

out in the...
Oh, my God.

What's the matter?

Uh, nothing.
Rebecca and I

just have to have
a little talk in the office.

It's private.
Oh, my God!

Anything I can help you with?

No, I can handle it ably
on my own.

Well, I'm here if you need me.

Lilith, I don't
want to hear this.

Calm down, Rebecca.

I've got enough to deal with
without you going berserk on me.

Yes, that was me
you saw in the car,

and, obviously, the man
with me was not Frasier.

Lilith, you are
having an affair!

It isn't an affair.

It was a one-time fling.

I've been working side by side
with this man for months,

and I'm afraid
our latent desires

just got the better of us.

It's the old story.

One moment we were
feeding the lab rats

and the next thing we knew,
we were in a hotel room.

What you saw was me saying
good-bye to him.

Well, then he must be
hard of hearing.

You had his ear in your mouth.

We both know it was a mistake.

It will never happen again.

What are you gonna do now?

Well, there's only
one thing I can do.

I have to tell Frasier.

Now, until I find the time
to tell him in my own way,

you must promise me

you're not going to say
anything to him about this.

Well, how the hell
am I gonna do that?

What?

Because this is juicy stuff.

The more I'm sitting
here thinking

that I should keep
my mouth shut,

the more I want to
just go out there

and blab it all over.

I know that's wrong,
but it's just me.

Please, Rebecca, you'll only
have to control yourself

for a little while.

Frasier and I are
going to have dinner

with another couple
up at Melville's,

and as soon as it's over,
I'll break it to him.

Lilith, you have
a big problem. Yes, I know.

My entire marriage
is on extremely shaky ground.

No, I mean you only have
about an hour

until I blow.

Hi. Welcome to Cheers.

You want to feel
the plate in my head?

I can make it move.

No, uh, we're just
looking for friends,

and, uh, they're not here.
So, bye.

Sammy, that's guy's making me
a little nervous, okay?

What're you talking about?
The guy's great.

He's already stopped two fights,
keeping everybody in line.

Best of all, he thinks minimum
wage is two dollars an hour.

Wow, you're cheating him
out of 50 cents an hour?

Boy, I'll tell you,
having Tiny in this bar

is about the most exciting thing

that's happened around here
in a long time.

Maybe it is, and maybe it isn't.

No, I-I think the most
exciting thing, uh,

contrary to your belief, Carla,

was when, uh, Sammy fiddled
around with the cable box

and we were able to get
The Playboy Channel

all day long, huh?

Well, you know, some people
who didn't know any better

might think that
that was interesting.

Well, how about, uh, last week

when Phil told us
that he did time?

Now that was juicy.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, real juicy.

(scoffs) I don't think so.

What are you trying
to say, Rebecca?

I'm trying to say
that I have got major dish

bottled up inside me.

And it's just dying to get out.

Oh, God, here it comes.
I can feel it.

It's coming up
through my chest.

I can feel it in my throat.

It's...

(mumbling)

So, Phil, what did
you do time for?

I held up a Piggly Wiggly.

Can I now get on with my life,
please?

Is the, uh, TV too loud
for you folks?

SAM:
Tiny?

The TV's not actually on.

Then why do I keep hearing
the Kill 'Em, Tiny show?

Sammy, you heard that.

The guy is nuts.

Oh, yeah, maybe you're right.

Maybe I should just, you know,
talk to him.

Tiny, could I talk to you
for a second?

Yo!

How you doing?

Oh, great, Sam.

Listen, and don't you worry.

There won't be any trouble
in here while I'm around.

I just hope somebody tries.

Do you want me to tell
you what I'm gonna do

if somebody starts
some trouble?

Uh, no, actually,

I don't think
I want to hear that, man.

Okay, but I did
draw you a picture.

Well, how can I...

Oh, my God.

Uh...

So, uh, did you want
to tell me something?

No, well, no, no,
uh, just, uh, carry on.

Carry on.
Okay.

Carla...

look what this guy drew.

That's nothing.

I got worse than that
on my refrigerator.

Here is my question.

Now I had the seafood salad.

You had the poached salmon.

Neither of us
had any appetizers.

They had appetizers and soup

and the lobster special,

and yet we split the
meal fifty-fifty.

Now, am I wrong, or did
we just get royally ripped?

Frasier, we need to talk.

You're darned right we do.
I don't know

if I want them
as friends anymore.

No, I mean I have
to tell you something

that's rather serious.

What is it, Lilith?
In fact,

I dare say you're gonna
find it extremely upsetting.

All right.

Well, I think we should
discuss it at home.

No, no, no, Lilith,
you just don't tell someone

that you're going to upset them
and then just let them dangle.

Whatever it is,
just tell me right now.

I'll be upset,
then I'll get over it.

We can go on with our lives.

Please, let's just go home.

No, Lilith, I want to know

right now.

All right, if you
must know immediately,

I'll tell you.

Have a seat.

Oh, great.

It's... It's "have a seat" bad.

Just-Just

give me a minute to,
uh, to brace myself.

Uh, I know, I'll simply
imagine the worst thing

you could possibly tell me,

and whatever your news is,
it will pale by comparison.

In fact, whatever it is,
it... it'll be a relief.

Okay, okay, uh...

what is the worst thing
I can imagine?

All right, I've got it.

Lilith, your news, please.

This afternoon,

in a moment
of extreme weakness...

I cheated on you.

That was it!

That was the worst thing!

Try to remain calm.

How can I remain calm

when you tell me you
slept with another man?!

You slut!

I-I... I can't
believe that.

I knew the whole time.

I have known it
for over an hour.

And I didn't say
a word to anybody.

(singsongy):
I kept a secret. I kept...

Tragic, isn't it?

You're still angry, aren't you?

How can you tell?

The fact that this park bench
used to be chained

to that cement block next to
the statue of George Washington.

I wanted to be alone.

This is a very serious
matter, Frasier.

Yes, it is serious, Lilith.

However, I will refrain from
indulging in clichéd reactions...

rage, the crying,
the screaming,

the hurling of epithets:

Tramp, whore, slut, floozy,
bitch, ad infinitum.

You did call me slut.

Yes, but I didn't call you a
tramp, whore, floozy or bitch.

I have too much
respect for you...

even though you have
been a slut.

Of course you deserve to know

everything that happened
and why.

Look, all I want
to know is who.

Who it is doesn't matter.

This is about us.

The identity of the other
person is irrelevant.

Fine, Lilith, I respect that.

It'll be just one more
secret between us.

One more brick in the wall.

All right.

It was my colleague,

the distinguished research
scientist, Dr. Louis Pascal.

The bald guy?!

Frasier...

I never meant to hurt you.

But for so long now
I have felt so alone.

It seems we can't talk without
getting into a fight.

Even the smallest conversation
erupts into bickering.

It just goes on every...
Oh, I can see what's going on here.

I can't believe I didn't
think of this sooner.

I'm such a dope.

What are you talking about?

You're in your
mid-30s, right? Yes.

It's perfectly natural for you

to be examining
your life right now.

You are comparing
the expectations you had

of yourself in the past

with what you've actually
achieved up to now.

Frasier, that...
No, no, wait.

Wait, let me finish.

And how many years
have we been married?

Seven.

The perfect time for you

to be re-examining
our relationship.

You're practically a cliché.

Frasier, I am not a cliché.

I'm talking about something... Oh, please,
you got hit with the old double whammy.

Of course you had a fling.
And why wouldn't you?

Thank God. For a while I thought
we had a problem.

Frasier, you're not
listening to me.

"You're not listening to me."
Right out of the textbook.

I can't tell you
how annoying this is. Of course you can.

Volumes have been written on how
annoying analysis can get.

Frasier, I'm gonna ask you
one more time.

This is our marriage
we're talking about.

Our lives.

Stop being a psychiatrist
and start being my husband.

All right, Lilith.

I'll be your husband.

(distant bell tolling)

But for seven years now

we've tried to build
something together,

and I think we've done
a pretty good job.

It's not worth throwing
it all away on something

so empty, meaningless
and unfulfilling.

Actually...

I don't want to hear it!

Frasier, don't you
see that this incident

is symptomatic of
much larger problems?

We can work on that.

We owe it to our marriage.

But you must march over
to Pascal

and tell him,
in no uncertain terms,

that you will never
see him again.

Very well.

I'll go now.

Certainly you're being
very rational about this.

Very civilized.

Well, I'm... I'm nothing
if not civilized.

By the way,

this Pascal, is he married?

No.

Why?

I thought I could bag his wife,
even the score.

I'm sorry. I'm venting.

Go.

Oh, people. Sheesh.

Think they'd never seen
a blowtorch scar before.

Wow.

Who took a blowtorch to you?

I did.

I let myself down.

Nobody lets Tiny down.

Sammy, you've gotta
get rid of that guy.

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

You're right,
you're right. Let him come.

I'll fire him.

Say, um... Tiny?

Could you step over
here for a second?

Oh.
Um...

Listen, I want to talk to
you about the job for a minute.

I want you to know

it's not that we don't
like having you here.

It-It's just
that, uh, well...

Knock, knock.

I'm sorry. What?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The dead guy.

Oh, boy.

The, uh, dead guy who?

The dead guy that I killed.

Get it?

I thought I heard 'em all, man.

Oh...

So, uh, what were you
saying about the job?

Uh, well, it was just that, uh,

we-we were all...
talking and,

uh...

we have decided, uh, to make
you the Employee of the Month.

Thank you.

Yeah, all right.

All right, thanks.

Sam, what gives?

I've been working my butt off
for you for seven years,

and you're making Tiny the
Employee of the Month?

Not, not now, man.

I-I'm trying to think of
a way to get rid of him.

Boy, you are one fickle guy.

All right, all right, please,

please, help me,
help me out here.

Excuse me, excuse me. Wait.

Can I just be the voice
of reason here

and suggest that we keep Tiny.

Personally, I think he's
a welcome addition

to the Cheers family.

Please, we gotta
do this, Carla.

I get it. This is
an ego thing, huh? Right?

A handsome man comes
into this bar,

and you just can't
stand it, can you?

Wait, hold it.
I've got an idea.

I got an idea.
Wait, whoa, whoa.

Listen, come here.
What we do

is we tell him
that Cheers was built

on an ancient burial ground
and we scare him out of here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
CLIFF: Wait, wait, no,

I got one, I got one.

No, no, listen,
this is very popular nowadays.

Tell him we have radon gas,
very deadly,

seeping up through the
floorboards, and we're all goners anyway.

Yeah, okay, what
about a bomb threat?

What about treating him like
a human being with feelings?

No, that-that
would nev...

Oh, man,

I'm sorry.
We never, we...

Uh, I'm big, not deaf.

I'll go now.

Nice working with you folks.

(laughing) Hey!

Whoo! Yeah!

Greetings, all.

Hey, Frasier.

What can we get you?

Oh, uh, just a scotch,
please, Sam.

Boy, what a day I've had.

I'd like to unwind.

I think I've earned it.

Well, coming
right up, Dr. Crane.

No, I've really
earned it, Woody.

I mean, this was a real bad day.

I'll tell you when
to stop, Woody.

(glass pounding)

(slurring):
One more, Woody.

One more for the...

the big stooge.

One more for the big loser.

One more for the big boob.

Hey, hear that?

Frasier wants to buy
you guys a drink.

Woody, Woody, come to me
for a moment here.

Listen, when you go
home tonight...

to your wife Kelly,

(voice breaking):
You treat her right.

You promise me.

Treat her right.

Hell of a woman.

If I wasn't married, I'd be all
over her like white on rice.

That perky little
caboose of hers.

There you go.

What's this?

That's, uh,
black coffee on the house.

Very generous.

You guys are true friends

to stand by me
in my hour of need.

Fras, come on, we all know
what you're going through.

Oh, oh, do you, Norm?

What if you found out Vera
was sleeping with another man?

Yeah, right.

And what if it rained beer?

I want you all to know
I'm not blaming her.

It's because of me that my life
is in the arms of another man.

Uh, well, you mean "wife,"
don't you, Dr. Crane?

What?
You said "life."

"It's because of me my life
is in the arms of another man."

Oh, that's a-that's a
Freudian slip there, Woody.

What's a Freudian slip?

Oh, that's when you say
one thing

when you're actually thinking
about a mother.

Frasier?

I need to speak
with you in private.

Oh, no, you don't.

I want everyone here to hear
what I've got to say to you.

Lilith, I realize

that it is I and not
you who are to blame.

Whatever you've done,

I'm sure I gave you
ample reason for it.

I've been...
arrogant, overbearing,

selfish, self-absorbed.

I've spent way too much
time in this place.

I really think we should go
somewhere else to discuss this.

No, Lilith, so you
had a fling? So what?

I've put all that behind me.

I forgive you.

And I-I take you back
with open arms.

I'm sorry, Frasier.

I wanted to break it
off with Dr. Pascal,

but I'm afraid it's
more serious than I thought.

I think I'm in love with him.

And... I'm leaving you.

Oh, this is twice today

that I publicly
made a fool of myself.

Oh, you get used to it, Doc.