Original subtitles

What is this thing called love?

This funny thing called love?

Just who can solve its mystery?

Why should it make a fool of me?

I saw you there that wonderful day you

took my love and threw it away and

so I ask the Lord in heaven above what

is this thing called love

Turn around.

Close enough.

Ride me.

Ride me.

Yeah.

Squeeze me.

What? My cock.

Squeeze it.

No. Not with your hands.

Squeeze from inside.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. Don't stop.

Make a fist with it.

Honey, come on.

Please, that cunt.

Did you say cunt? What?

Hey. Hey, where'd you go?

I don't care for that word.

You don't have to.

It's just a word. It's not an elderly relative.

Come on.

Come back here.

I gotta go.

I have a 7 a .m. meeting I haven't prepared for yet.

You're leaving?

You're kidding.

Oh.

You're upset.

I don't like my flower being referred to that way.

Flower?

Yes.

Flower.

Not cunt.

It's just a word.

Did I actually offend you?

It was a little... indelicate.

Oh, you mean dirty.

Okay, dirty.

You like dirty.

Yes, but not filthy.

Can we talk about something else?

No. You know, someone once asked Woody Allen if sex was supposed to be dirty,

and he said only when it's done properly.

Yeah, you told me that when you tried to do that other thing that I didn't like

last Sunday. We got off.

Is that all you care about?

No.

No, I care about the polar bears and the death of the DVD, and I care about lots

of other stuff. What?

Michael, where are all these new ideas coming from? These strange ways to have

sex. I'm a modern man.

I get pedicures.

Something's changed.

You've changed. Sex is different.

It's always the same. What's the point?

Michael, are you having an affair?

How could you even ask that?

If you are, just tell me, okay? I don't want to be the last to know.

An unexpected event will soon bring you fortune.

Fate is all bullshit.

Things just happen. There's no design unless you're rich or deluded, and I

highly recommend both.

I've had four great lovers in my life.

Five, if I count myself.

Here's the thing.

Two were Oriental. I know they're called Asians now, but Oriental is more

mysterious than Asian, don't you think?

As they kind of...

Silk restraints, opium den vibe.

Believe me, these two lovers were world -class mysterious.

I never knew their names. I never knew what to expect.

Each of them came up with variations.

You know, moves, devices, false identities, rope.

Jesus, they were exciting.

No surprise there. These people invented gunpowder, for fuck's sake.

God, I love rope.

You want me to Google it? No, I want you to Google me.

Where do you learn how to eat pussy like that? Online.

Yodel University.

Oh, you're amazing.

Completely. Okay, I will not talk. I want that cock in my ass.

this morning.

I love life.

What's up?

I think Michael's having an affair.

Oh, what you should be talking to a private eye, not me.

Oh, you're my sexual Yoda.

Oh, sexual problem.

The thrill has gone off.

No, no.

He's insatiable. Oh, really?

What do you have in mind, a sister act?

I was joking, Jaws.

Well... Does he smell different?

You can always smell a woman on that page.

Lately, he's been doing weird things during sex.

Like what?

Last night, he called my flower the C -word.

Your flower.

Are you a botanist?

Not himself, Pemi. I think he's getting all of this stuff from another woman.

What if it's... true.

Then you either have to kill her or buy her a little gift.

Dog, for once in your life, go with the flow.

Go with the flow.

Yeah, just go with the flow.

Thanks, Pimmy.

I gotta go.

Go, go, do your thing. Yep.

Oh, I almost forgot.

It's not a flower.

It's a man -eating tiger.

Bye.

Luther.

You serious about the sister act?

Well, nothing's on the table.

Family really is the backbone of society.

Must

be

Michael. And who are you?

I am Isha.

Come in.

Where's Liz?

She'll be here. I'm Asha. Hi.

Whoa, what are you doing?

We're preparing it. Don't worry.

We'll guide you.

You've got an answer?

Uh -huh.

Welcome.

What's the occasion?

Two months of not hearing anybody.

I thought I was coming over for some coffee.

What's next?

What isn't?

You were right there and... I know.

Well, it must have been Isha and Esha. You were overstimulated.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

So, tell me again about the rickshaw twins.

They're all oil dots, shimmering in the candle glow, moving ever closer to your

throbbing... Luther, for God's sake, I'm trying to tell you about my problem.

Absolutely right.

Mea culpa, mea culpa.

Just give me a moment to complete the thought.

All done.

Now, where were we?

I couldn't get it up with Liz.

It's an aberration.

Yeah, but what if it's not?

Well, then you're fucked.

All right, that's good theory. Is there anything...

Bothering you.

Jocelyn.

I think she may be on to me about Liz.

Question.

How are you doing with Jocelyn?

Fine. So the plot thickens in one part of your life, but not the other.

Luther,

would you stop?

What do I do?

One word.

The Nubian.

The Nubian?

Desperate times, desperate measures.

Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. You're telling me these two

are sliding up and down his person, and nothing?

Flat tire.

Well, you know, men are very sensitive creatures.

Weary niggas.

Something upsets us, it goes right to our homepage.

See? You women think that you have the market cornered on feelings you do not.

We are equally as vulnerable.

Andrea Bocelli gives me chill.

Puppies make me misty.

Come on.

Give some help here, Preston.

What do you do when you're off your game?

I never help my game. All right, two words.

Visual stimulation.

Hey, what are you doing?

Just wanted to say hi.

I was going to make something to eat.

You hungry?

What do you have in mind?

See what's there.

That thought.

How's the resolution in three?

High def?

Yeah.

Who's this?

2001. I'm watching Friends.

In walks Jennifer Aniston, nipples poking the cashmere.

That's all it took.

I broke up with my boyfriend, never looked back.

Hey, you come your way, I come mine.

Hello.

Hi, I'm... No name.

What the modern world calls us has no place here tonight.

Okay. What are you drinking?

Vodka. Oh, I prefer you not to drink.

We need your senses alive and receptive.

May I come in?

Yes.

Thank you.

So, how can I help you?

Well, I just can't seem to... Say no.

All

you

need to know is that I love the Penises.

I love the way they look.

And how they feel.

And now you must let me see.

Oh, my God.

It's even more extraordinary than what I thought.

Oh, I love your cock.

Well, we go way back.

And it's so thick.

Might be the light.

Got halogen. No.

I know everything about your cock.

And it loves you.

Feed it for me, please.

My cock loves me. Good.

God didn't like to hear you talk to it.

Can you feel that energy?

Can you feel that?

Mm -hmm. Oh, yeah.

My cock loves me, my cock loves me, my cock loves me.

Breathe,

breathe, breathe.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Oh, yeah. Come with me.

This has never happened to me.

I can't believe this.

These things happen.

Will you be okay?

I don't need to be alone.

Hey. The Nubian just called. I am beyond upset.

I'll be okay, Luther.

I'll get over this.

It's not about you.

She's devastated. She's quitting the business.

Because of me?

Couldn't you just fake it?

Michael, minus the newbie, and I am out here without a safety net. Thank you

very much.

We need to talk.

We do?

You think I don't know, but I do.

What are we talking about?

You.

The affair you're having. The way you're fucking me big time.

Josh.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what to say. Whoever could bring that out in you must be one

fucking amazing woman.

And I know exactly who she is.

You do?

Me. You.

You are fucking adorable.

Is that a cock candle?

Yes, yes it is.

Don't tell me.

Luther.

Yes.

Come here and give me the real thing.

I'm gonna fuck you like you've been fucking me.

So, out of the blue, it's back.

Kudos. What else is cooking?

Saul has been cooking.

It's been a nightmare.

It's off with Liz, suddenly I'm hard with Jocelyn. I didn't even mention this

erection expert Luther sent me, this seven -foot black chick.

Anubian. She can raise the dead.

No. She got me through two really bad divorces. A little thick within a slump.

Well, it didn't work for me.

Yeah?

You're going to take that bad.

Come on, let's get a beer.

Hey, Pop.

You've had affairs, right?

Huh? Why do you want to know?

Does it ever make you feel guilty?

To the point where it killed your sex life?

Nothing kills my sex life.

You shoot me dead, my cock could just grow a new body and keep on going.

It was a serious question.

You probably just got some emotional thing blocking your cock.

You know, like girls get.

Thank you, Pop.

I feel much better now.

Came by to get some insight from my father. He tells me I'm a girl.

I'm gonna go.

No, no, no, no. Stay, stay, stay.

What's that, um... What do they call it in the military?

An exit strategy. You got an exit strategy from this affair with the cop?

No. Yeah, there you have it. Have a watch. The reason your telescope works

Jaws and doesn't work with the cop.

You're going to love this. This is the kind of touchy -feely stuff that mental

men like you adore.

Okay.

Was you and Liz.

Something important is happening. You're getting to know each other. Something

real.

If you don't have an exit strategy, then it's not an affair.

And if it's not an affair, your cock is in over his head.

So it's running for cover. Like a scalded dog.

You've got to remember, son, your cock is Einstein.

You're just a chalkboard.

Hey. Hey.

Hey, counselor.

What's going on?

Abigail told me you were here.

There's something I need to talk to you about.

Yeah?

It's bothering me that I couldn't perform with you.

It's like if I didn't bowl 300 every time, you'd find another alley or

something.

It's not like that.

What is it like?

I don't know.

You and me.

So?

Why is it just something to slip into when we want to take the top down and

us out?

You're not disappointed?

Are you kidding?

The way we've been going, I'm surprised it didn't break off.

Maybe it just bought us a little time.

Hey.

What are you so scared of?

Same thing you are.

Us.

Then let's go, uh, go away and we'll just spend time with you and me.

Oh, there's your friend.

Ah,

love the way you kiss.

I scored big in the mouth -to -mouth at the academy.

Did you ever think this was more than just an affair?

I always did.

What is it?

It's the galaxy far, far away.

Did they have erections there?

Oh, big ones. Yep.

So as long as we're being honest.

Yeah?

They're never used.

Falling alley metaphor again.

It just deepens everyone.

Hmm. Okay.