All language subtitles for TiMER 2009 1080p WEB-DL HEVC x265 5.1 BONE_track3_[eng]

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Am I late?

Hi!

No.

-Yes.
-Five minutes, but who's counting?

We are, right?

Right.

So, okay.

You ready?

Uh, yeah, um, about this...

Ryan, you like me, right?

Yes, definitely.

And I think you're pretty neat, too.

But what's the point in continuing
without a guarantee?

Yeah.

Of course.

Are you ready?

Please.

Alright.

-Okay.
-Okay.

-Una!
-Hey, girl!

Oh, is this another potential?

Yes.

Hi.

-Matchmaker Patty.
-This is Brian.

Welcome, Brian.

Ready to take the plunge?

Ab-absolutely.

Aw.

Okay, come on back.

I'll get you started.

So, exactly how many guys
have you brought here?

I've been on the wrong
horse a few times.

How many times?

-Please?
-Okay.

Just lay it on out.

Alrighty, Brian.

So, we'll need some photo
ID and a credit card.

Okay, sure.

Sorry.

Okay, got it.

So how long have the two
of you been dating?

About a month.

Brian Thompson, male, 33.

Wow, how'd you get this
far without a timer?

I'm from Oklahoma.

Say no more.

Caucasian, hetero.

Oh, that's dicks.

Okay. And personality modules
completed online.

Perfect.

So, we're having a special this
week, which is $79.99.

Okay, that's for installation and the device,
plus monthly charges of $1.99.

Okay.

Let's have the recipient
sign the terms of use.

Okay, so what does this say exactly?

Oh, just that you won't ask
for a refund if you

think your wait for true
love is too long or too

short, or, you know, like, if you
don't like your soulmate.

Aren't I guaranteed to like my one?

I mean, isn't that the point?

No, no.

Not necessarily.

Not at first. Here's our pamphlet
to the path to true love.

Now, of course, we have love
at first sight, but we

also have friendship blossoming
into love or enemies

becoming lovers, opposites attract,
et cetera, et cetera.

See, the timer tells you the very moment
that your soulmate enters your life.

The rest will evolve naturally.

So you and I have a head start.

Right?

What the heck, right?

OK.

-Awesome.
-Awesome.

OK, Brian.

Which is your dominant hand?

Left.

Wait, what?

Wait, what?

Oh, so we're going to do this now.

This is going to happen.

That looks like it hurts.

Does it hurt? It's like getting
your ears pierced.

My ears aren't pierced.

Well, then, yes, it will
hurt, but briefly.

OK, so after implantation,
OK, if the two of you are

meant to be, then both of your
timers at the very same

time go,-dee-dee,-dee-dee,-dee-dee,
and happily ever after.

All set?

Yeah, sure.

Yes.

Oh, Una, come on.

If you want to zero out with your man,
you got to make some eye contact.

Oh.

It's the best part of my day.

Drum roll, please.

Ow.

Jesus.

Sorry.

916 days.

Huh.

♪

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

It's so fine.

Really.

I'm really happy for you.

Yeah, you see, this is why I
didn't want to come here.

No, I know. I was afraid something
like this would happen.

-I know.
-And it's fine.

It's fine.

My children 16 days, it's like
Two and a half years

two and a half years I'll finish
my doctor by then.

I'd have tenure fingers crossed.

It's perfect timing actually
Gosh, it's crazy.

You don't think that she's out there.

She's Walking around she's living
her life And the blank timer

she's probably had for years has
finally started counting down

You know, two years is a long time.

You know, maybe we could still...

You're probably in a doomed
relationship, right?

Moot.

-Doomed.
-I said doomed.

Thanks.

I said moot.

I was making a better point.

Sorry.

-It's fine.
-I'm...

-I...
-Really.
-I...

-I...
-Congratulations.

It's so super.

I have to get back to work.

You know, I just...

This...

This was really great.

-This was...
-You're nice.

This...

Thank you.

-No.
-Okay.

Take care.

It's all right here for
you, and I am so sure

he's gonna be everything
that you dreamed of.

Oh, see you next time, Luna.

She's one of our recurring customers.

Okay, sir, have a great day.

Keep on ticking.

If a clock could count down
to the exact moment

you meet your soulmate, would
you want to know?

That's the claim of manufacturers of
a new device called the timer.

The next evolutionary step
in computer matchmaking,

the timer lets you know when your
perfect match has been.

We've discovered that all humans
are on a path to true love,

and planted just after the offset
of puberty and powered by

body heat, the timer monitors levels
of oxytocin, the hormone of love.

It zeroes out at midnight the night
before, and then the next

day, it could go off at any second,
and you meet your soulmate.

Are you tired of sitting around
waiting for love?

Your days of watching and
wondering are over.

Say goodbye to heartache
and disappointment.

Now you can be on the clock,
true love on a schedule.

Introducing timer, a revolutionary
device that tells you

not only who your soulmate is,
but when you'll meet them.

Timer, take the guesswork out of love.

Have a cookie, Monica.

I can't.

My timer's about to go off.

When?

Three years.

A computer chip in your arm?

No, sir.

I don't know.

Would you?

Would you?

Yeah, no, I got one.

It was blank at first,
which kind of made me

nervous, but then I guess she got
one, too, wherever she is.

Jane likes dogs, so does John.

Your massive database hard at work.

Listen, common interests are just
the tip of the iceberg here.

We are in the business of true love.

Shared values, emotional needs,
physical attraction.

By the year 2005, it is
estimated that over

half of Americans ages 14 or
older will have timers.

A recent independent study
revealed a 98%

satisfaction rate among newly
zeroed-out couples.

It was like a fairy tale.

I saw him first from across
the room, and

then he looked at me, and
I knew instantly.

Everybody turned to look, and
then people were clapping.

♪

♪

On the 15th anniversary of
the invention of the

timer we're talking to zeroed-out
couples Eric and

Tammy zeroed out over five years
ago I was totally skeptical.

I didn't I Just wasn't gonna believe
that a stopwatch was

gonna tell me Who to love, you
know, but it's not like that.

What would you say to people who
still don't believe it works?

it doesn't tell you who to love
it just it kind of confirms,

you know, what you already know and
the way you already feel in

your heart, but When you're
ready for it,

I guess it just works out

♪

♪

Why are you whispering?

I'm not.

Where are you?

Church.

Brian isn't my one.

I'm shocked.

Call me back when you've
found your underwear.

You got it.

How'd it go?

Ride isn't my one.

Hey, Priscilla.

I'm gonna get these braces
taken off today.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Uh, she's got another
month, Dr. O'Leary.

She's just here for a loose wire.

Yeah, but a month is negligible,

especially when school's back
in session next week.

My little brother's starting
his freshman year.

Ugh, he's so cute, I could just
punch him in the face.

Hmm.

These braces are coming off
today, pretty girl.

Oh, yeah!

♪

Did you ever hear the one about the
single guy on the supermarket?

It's an oldie, but a giddy.

Fuck it, I'll tell you.

So she brings all her stuff up
to the register, you know,

four-pack of toilet paper, microwavable
dinners, that sort of thing.

The checkout guy looks at all of her

stuff and he asks her,
hey, are you single?

She kind of giggles and she's
like, why, can't you tell

by the stuff I'm buying, like
all the single-serve items?

And he's like, no, because
you're fucking ugly.

I thought that would have
gone over a lot better.

Yeah, I kind of thought you
would have got the irony.

Mistake.

Well, I mean, you know, you
being so pretty and all.

Good one.

I'm 100% sincere on that.

Your total is $30.29.

Sorry.

One more time.

I see your timer's blank.

And?

Nothing.

You're sweating your future
though, right?

It's a shame, because you
could have a much

more exciting present if
you really wanted.

Keep that in mind.

So long.

Bye.

Take care.

In the jungles of Bangladesh,
honey hunters called

Mawalis wear face masks on the
back of their heads to

deter hungry Bengal tigers from
attacking them from behind.

You're supposed to be here
half an hour ago.

Take a pill.

Jesse's got his entire life to wait.

Our punctuality isn't going
to speed up the process.

You know, a positive attitude
might help.

Ah, that worked like gangbusters
for you this morning, huh?

It's a process of elimination, and
I'm one step closer is all.

Oh, absolutely not.

-No.
-Here.

-Oh...
-Did he have a timer?

Of course he had a timer.

Come on.

Timer-less guys are so angsty
and conflicted.

Boys with built-in expiration dates
and they want to sow their oats.

Multiple tantric oats.

They're just using you.

I'm using them.

-Win-win.
-No, I don't...

You have scientific proof
that these idiots are a

waste of your time and yet
you go after them anyway.

It cannot be as satisfying as you say.

Yeah...

You know, blazing hot anonymous
sex is super tedious.

You know what? I think
we should get a cab.

Una, scale of one to ten, how
sad are you about Brian?

Six.

Six point five.

-You know what though?
-It's fine.

It's not even about Brian.

I just, I just want to know, you know?

Even if it says I'm not going
to meet him until I'm, what?

Forty-three?

I'm sorry.

Hi, Mom.

I'm sorry. You know what? We're
on our way, I swear.

Hi, hi!

Sorry we're late, we're here.

Luna's ball.

Hi.

Hola.

Are we in the right house?

We're here!

Hi, hi!

Oh, honey.

-Hi.
-Nice to see you.

Girls, this is our new
housekeeper, Luz.

Luz, this is my daughter, Una,
and Paul's daughter, Steph.

Mucho gusto.

Good night, Luz.

Thank you for your work today.

Buenas noches.

Si.

Not a lick of English.

This is exciting, this is exciting!

So where's Brian?

He's not my one.

Oh, sugar, oh, I'm sorry.

Why did you have to take
him today of all days?

Because you said it would be
double the celebration.

Well, Brian was never right for
you anyway, we all knew that.

Tell it, Marian, amen.

Steph, baby, don't make me come
after you in your life.

Sorry.

Una, you're being very stoic
and we all appreciate it.

Now, on to the next potential
one, right?

Mm-hmm.

Now, matchmaker Ron hasn't been
here for over an hour.

Does it?

-Yeah.
-Good, okay, everybody this way.

Hey, are you so excited?

Una, don't be a douche.

I'm happy for him.

Jesse and DePaul, I certify that
you are of timer-eligible

age, this being the first month of
your ninth-grade school year.

Are you ready, baby?

Piece of cake, Jess.

Even if you won't have any of your original
teeth by the time you meet her.

Or him!

I'm not gay, Mom.

Can we get this over with?

Jess, I will give you new
teeth if you need them.

But just so you know, whatever
happens, you're gonna have

someone out there in the world who
loves you as much as we do.

Take a deep breath, honey.

♪

♪

♪

Three days?

That's bullshit!

Excuse me.

Three days, Paul?

I know, hon.

That is an unusually fast countdown,
but it's better to know earlier.

Than later?

Dick.

We're gonna have grandchildren
after all!

Hey, my eggs.

-They can hear you.
-Freshman year.

That's my boy.

Una?

You know what?

I'm gonna go.

Oh, Una, this must feel unfair.

Sorry about Brian, kiddo.

Thank you, Paul.

And it's okay, Mom, really.

No, don't even think about it.

You stay. I'm just gonna
go to bed anyway.

It's fine.

Congratulations.

-Okay.
-Bye-bye.

♪

♪

♪

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♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

It's time to get off.

What?

Do you want me to repeat it?

Yes, into the loudspeaker
if you don't mind.

Believe me when I tell you,
this is your one shot.

So make it count.

Now, now, I get off now.

Nelson!

Hey dude, cover for me.

Not cool, bro.

♪

♪

So what do you do?

Orthodontist.

Far out, like a dentist?

Yeah.

Only an orthodontist.

Cool.

So what's your name?

so I have roommates oh how many

four but they should be out

Guys, where are your manners?

Everybody, this is Una.

Una, this is TJ.

Suckerman, skinny guy.

Over there in the chair,
that's Greggie.

And that's Wretch.

Uma, like Uma Thurman.

Sure.

Wretch, is it?

We'll be in the bedroom.

It's just around the corner there.

Um, I don't want to know
how old you are, okay?

Okay.

How old are you?

I turn 30 this January.

Whoa.

Um, you know, maybe this
was a bad idea.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

This is a great idea.

It's up there with, um...

gravity or, you know, cold
fusion or what have you.

It's just...

it's, uh...

it's a really, really good idea.

♪

♪

Four months to go, hmm?

Yeah, well, you know...

Four...

Long months.

Um, you enjoy that time.

What?

Yeah, I just...

No, no, no, no, no, stay.

No, no, can't...

No, let's go back.

-We...
-The kissing...

Hey.

Hey, who are you I'm him

You know what they say
about a watched pot.

Attention residents, the
raffle will begin.

I'm fine.

Did I ask?

Margaret?

Is that you, Margaret?

Sure isn't, Sadie.

Oh, my mistake.

So, how are you?

I'm fine.

Mom even found me a date
for tomorrow night.

Somebody's grandson.

The woman is unstoppable.

Margaret, answer your
mother, Margaret.

Yeah, not your daughter Sadie, okay?

Oh, pardon me.

Did I totally ruin Jesse's night?

No.

Matchmaker Ron handled
that all on his own.

You know, Romeo and Juliet were
14 when they found each other.

If only life were more
like theater camp.

-Margaret?
-Is that you, Margaret?

Hang on.

You bet, Mom.

Great news.

I'm gay.

You're...

-Gay.
-Gay as the day is long.

Dyke-y dyke, dyke.

Plus, my girlfriend, she's black.

Oh!

That's not funny.

All right.

I gotta go.

It was a little funny.

Ms. DePaul, it might feel like
you have all the time in

the world, but it'll be you in
here faster than you realize.

Come with me, dear.

Come on your room is over here

In the service, we had a
name for men like that.

Pricks?

Cocksuckers.

-Better.
-How they hanging, Dutch?

Down to my knees, Angel.

You keep your head up.

Good afternoon, Mr. Evers.

Oh, a new patient.

That's fun.

So how'd you hear about us?

There's not a whole lot of orthodontists
with your first name.

You can thank my father for that one.

Cindy, could you just
give us a minute?

Bye, Cindy.

So, I think I might need braces,
but I'm no expert.

So, what do you think?

-This...
-Look, I...

Come on. How cute do
I look in this bib?

You can't do this, okay?

This is my place of business.

You can't just... Okay,
look, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to freak you out.

I just think you're really cool,
and I think we should hang out.

Oh.

Um...

-Mikey, I...
-I'm just the checkout guy.

No, no, that's not it.

Okay, good.

I'm a musician, and I'm very
passionate about my work.

Your real issue is my timer.

Yeah, it is.

Girls like you think I'm cheating on
someone I haven't met yet, right?

No, I just think that if
you have a countdown,

if you're lucky enough to
know your path to...

true love, you can say it.

I'm not gonna laugh.

Yes, to true love.

Then you should honor that.

See, that's what's stupid
about the timer.

It's...

It says you have one path, and
you can't take detours.

I mean, life is about detours.

Okay, you know what?

You sound like a credit
card commercial.

I'm looking for my one,
and you're not him.

I get it.

So, will this thing buzz or light up?

Both, I think.

So, Guy, why have you never
gotten a timer?

Romance has never really
been a priority for me.

Is this thing working?

♪

You know, it doesn't all have to
be chemistry from the jump.

Feelings can grow over time.

Yeah, sparks are fleeting.

Nothing to talk about for the
rest of your lifetime.

We'll be right back.

Hey, we're Truckbeat.

Thanks for coming out.

This is our last song.

It's called Bomb.

Can I call you back? I have
to dispose of the body.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

I shut the door.

-Huh?
-The door.
-Oh, right.

Don't worry.

The guys will be at the
bar for a few more

hours, you know, taking turns
with our groupie.

-Oh.
-Oh.

I think it's really cute that
you all live together.

I remember when I was a little girl
and the Bengals broke up.

Uh-huh.

I imagine them rolling
up their care bear

skipping bags and packing
up their makeup kits.

Oh, my God.

And dragging them out
of the giant pink

loft they all undoubtedly
share together.

Oh, my God.

Who are the Bengals?

Okay.

I didn't think I had anemia, huh?

Oh, no.

No, no.

-Silk.
-Oh.

Oh, God.

Okay.

Hmm

Hey, Mike, you gotta
go to the bathroom.

God damn it.

Can't a brother catch a break?

Okay, hold on.

Here, have some cereal.

I'll be right back.

You were awful tonight.

Nobody even gave a fuck.

Shut the fuck up.

Okay, guys, seriously, this girl...

So far out of my league, I have no idea
how the fuck I got her back here.

Pussy.

Greggie, if I'm a pussy, I'm about to

have the best lesbian sex
of my entire life.

In the next room, and you will
not fuck this up for me.

Hi.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Samuel, is that you, Samuel?

Uh, no.

Samuel, the kids don't
come by anymore.

Margaret's impossible.

I think you have me confused
with someone else.

I miss you.

I, uh, I have trouble sleeping
without you.

Me too.

Oh.

Sadie, I'm pretty sure that that's
not Margaret, either.

Sorry if the natives
are bothering you.

What can I do you for?

Um, I'm here to see Dr. Solomon.

Oh, he's probably napping.

So, where are you from originally?

Rhode Island.

I, uh, work at the university.

I love how you say that like
there's only one in town.

Hey, you lay off my grandson.

Why, are you cock-blocking
me, old man?

No, he's here to humor his elder,
not flirt with the help.

He can make up his own mind.

What's your name, soldier?

Uh, Dan.

Dan the man.

I'm Steph.

Steph.

Ooh, no timer.

Yawn.

I told you I was looking
out for you, angel.

I know your type.

Come on, Daniel.

This Scrabble game won't play itself.

Nice meeting you.

Likewise.

♪

Oh, you're up.

You're an ass.

Now you can tell me where
you went last night.

Oh, my God.

Tell me what you did, or I'm
gonna pee on your bed.

I met this guy Timer Mm-hmm.

How long four months and some change

hot Closer, they get to

D-Day the more inclined they are to
throw you around a little bit.

Oh, so hot.

It was just so unbelievably
hot he he kisses

like um, I Don't even know I

he has Really big hands.

I'm so proud Seriously
you finally got laid

proper and see one night stands.

It's what it's all about Yeah,
I don't really know if I

classified as a one-night stand Well, you're
not gonna see him again, right

Una, even if your mismatched
timers wasn't a recipe

for disaster, he's not gonna want
a repeat of last night.

They never do.

It was fun, right?

Yeah, no, it was so fun.

Fun!

You want animal pancakes?

Uh, when do I not want
animal pancakes?

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5,

4, 3, 2, 1.

Midnight!

The next time it makes that noise is when
you make eye contact with your one.

But it'll be much louder.

Scared the shit out of me.

Be ready.

Can I go to bed now?

Honey, how can you sleep?

This is better than Christmas.

Sometime in the next 24 hours,
you are gonna meet

the girl that you will spend
the rest of your life with.

Yeah.

♪

♪

♪

it

♪

♪

Until you give me a dream With
his rough hands, the color

of Madeline's afternoon tea, Mowgli
encircled her tiny waist.

Her inhibitions melted.

Oh, Mowgli, missionary work is so
much harder than I imagined.

She quickly discovered it wasn't
all that was hard.

Oops, naughty bits.

Una, how did it go with Guy?

It's okay.

Well, I think there's much there.

Well, you can't be sure until
he gets his timer.

No stone unturned, sweetheart.

Okay, Mom.

Girls, you don't realize
how lucky you are.

Your generation has been spared the
emotional carnage of divorce,

the soul-crushing pain of

unreciprocated infatuation, the

humiliation, not to mention possible venereal
fallout of reckless promiscuity.

Oh, it used to be so awful.

What a mess.

We are so lucky that since
your mom died, Steph, and

my disastrous marriage, Paul
and I found each other.

How perfect is our family?

Perfect.

Perfecto. And don't you two feel like
you were meant to be sisters?

Yes.

And it's all thanks to the timer.

Jesse!

Jesse!

Is that her?

I got her, yeah.

Excellent, Marion.

Now spit on your hand and go wipe
something off his face.

That's not her.

So?

Did it happen?

No.

What's wrong with an impromptu pizza
night with Sheila's girls?

Ah, some snacks, some
wine, some marriage.

I'm just saying it's not up to
you to orchestrate this.

Luz, are you leaving?

Sí, Mrs. Marin, ya me voy.

Hola, Eduardo.

Oh, is that your daughter?

Sí, es mi hija.

Soledad, por favor.

Saludale.

Hello Mrs. DePaul.

I'm Soledad. It's nice to meet you.

She's lovely, Luz.

This is my daughter Una and
my stepdaughter Steph.

And this is Jesse.

Well...

Eduardo?

Well, uh, this is terrific.

Isn't this terrific?

Jessie, here she is.

Hi.

¿Qué pasó?

Sonó la cosa.

Ya sonó el timer.

I just don't get it.

Mom, why don't you invite Luz
and her family inside?

Yes.

Yes, yes.

Um...

I'm sorry, Mrs. DePaul.

We're late for dinner.

Well, you'll have dinner here.

Uh, no, it's a dinner
held in my office.

It's to honor all the boys
in the neighborhood.

That's a moot point now,
wouldn't you say?

I'm sorry, we have to go.

Thank you.

Well, that was a little rude.

In-laws, they're shocked,
just like we are.

I mean, you can't blame them.

Sweetie, she seems really nice.

And tall.

Marion, give him a minute.

He just...

he can't process this, Mom, you know?

He doesn't even have chest
hair, and he just

met the girl he's supposed
to grow old with.

He has no idea what love is.

Do either of you.

Exactly.

Every once in a while, I'm the person
most qualified for the job.

God, I love it when she's
fierce like that.

No, seriously, do you think it's weird
that we've never been in love?

No.

It only happens once, so we're due.

Yeah, but do you think that
they thought like that?

That it only happens once,
before the timer?

I'm just saying, like, the expression,

first love does imply there's
seconds and thirds.

You're so asking the wrong girl.

No help to me.

Good night.

-Hey.
-Will!

Stop!

Motherfucker! You just
hit me in the face.

Why'd you...

What are you doing here?

I wanted to see you again.

Why?

You make a strong case.

♪

♪

She's not here.

Uh, who?

My sister, Steph.

We live together.

Oh, you guys don't get along?

Oh, no, we do.

She's my best friend.

Is this her?

Uh-huh.

Are you guys twins?

No, she's my stepsister.

We just happen to share
the same birthday.

Every year my mom throws
us a surprise party.

Wait, how is it a surprise that
she does it every year?

Uh, we all pretend.

Oh, okay.

So, how, um, how many more times
are we going to do this?

Well, as many more times
as you let me.

Okay.

Um, see, I, I'm not like you.

I've slept with a total of four
men in my life, and each

time I've had to face the very real
possibility of losing them.

Um, and with you, it's, it's actually

not a possibility, it's
absolute certainty.

So I guess you can relax then.

Wait, um, so you're saying that
I'm, uh, unlucky number five?

Ha, ha.

Is that where you're getting it?

Yeah.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

-Yeah?
-Shut up.

All right.

-Thank you.
-Okay.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

My mom got hers when she was
still married to my dad.

It was her proof that they
should get a divorce.

Do you still talk to him?

Mm, not since I was a kid.

He's a music producer and kind of...

We just don't have a lot in common.

Wait, hold the phone.

Your dad is Rick O'Leary?

Yeah.

Are you gay?

Is this a joke?

He's a legend.

Yeah, well, so they tell me.

I've had sex with Valkyrie's daughter.

It's so much cooler than I thought.

It's like the only cool
thing about you.

Aw, snap.

Hmm.

Your parents still together?

Oh, yeah.

They met the old-fashioned way.

Had four strapping young sons.

I'm the youngest of those strapping.

Any of your brothers missing timers?

Why, you looking for a date?

Oh, a girl's gotta be proactive.

I can't just sit here and feel bad
about my crappy situation.

It's not as crappy as your sister's.

Well, I guess.

One could argue that knowing
is better than not

knowing, even if knowing is tremendously
disappointing.

At least she can live her life, accomplish
what she wants, plan for her future.

Is that what she's doing?

No.

Nah, we need a little mystery in life.

Well, if you feel that way,
why did you get a timer?

Some people lead, I follow.

Why are you so far away?

No way. I know, I don't
know why either.

You're stupid.

Idiot. You're an idiot.
You're the idiot.

-You're an idiot.
-You're an idiot.

-Shut up.
-You're the shut up.

You shut up.

Come here.

Mr. Paul, where were you an hour ago?

Right here, doing my job,
smile on my face.

Then why did Mrs. Kaufman's call roll over
to voicemail three times in a row?

Are you going to take the
side of the tattletale?

Mr. Paul, we don't pay you to be glib
or to leave your desk unattended.

Um, I'm sorry for interrupting.

That was my fault.

When I came in, I forgot where my

grandfather's room was and I asked
Steph to show it to me.

Really?

Yeah.

What's his name?

Dutch Solomon.

I beg your pardon.

He didn't have to do that.

I'm sorry.

You just seemed to be getting on your
case a little unnecessarily.

Uh, no, it was necessary,
all right, because I was

sucking down a caramel frappuccino
about an hour ago.

Okay, do you want me to get him back here
and we can just tell him the truth?

I know I'll feel better?

Nah, because then that would make
me a good influence on you.

You ever been in the pocket watch?

You coming by the bar tonight?

Um, I thought...

Yeah, I don't know.

Why? Because you haven't
been by in a decade.

And because I might have found
your next timer-less puppet.

Good teeth, endearingly clueless,
no scars and or visible tattoos.

Uh, yeah.

Okay, yeah, I'll, um...

I'll swing by.

What?

Why are you weird?

Why are you weird?

♪

Good at that.

Yeah, and you look like Mr. Rogers.

Dutch insistence.

Oh.

Always a good idea to take your social
cues from an octogenarian.

What's your drink?

I'm afraid to tell you.

I promise I won't make fun of you.

Just guess, you know.

Oh, uh, my sister.

She's gonna be here in a little bit.

Okay.

Una, you have spectacular teeth.

-I know.
-You've got a femur in the way

back and your tricuspids
are just spectacular.

And suction.

Oh, suction.

Okay, so, oh, sorry, I think
I just got that hangy

ball thing in there, let me
put that back in there.

No answer.

Oh, I hope she's trapped
under a crossbeam.

This was a set-up.

Your sister is a blank timer.

Can't get anything past you.

Look, thank you.

Really, I'm sure your sister's great,
but I'm not really looking for...

whatever.

How come no whatever for you?

Um...

I was married, and, uh,
my wife died, so...

I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Look, look, this is why
I don't tell people.

You're the most inappropriate
person I've ever

met, and now you're getting
all appropriate on me.

So you want to make out?

What?

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's okay.

No, I should be put down.

Don't worry.

She had a sense of humor.

It's all right.

So, how long ago was it?

Uh, three years ago.

It was December.

What was she like?

She was beautiful.

She was complicated, though.

It was like she was always waiting
for something bad to happen.

Guess it finally did and
she was your one

Of course.

Even without a timer, you knew?

Yeah.

Oh fresh out of booze.

Have a nice night!

Love my job.

It shows.

You interested in doing
something else?

Besides serve drinks and
answer the phones?

Whatever for?

Well, I don't know. Isn't that
how it works out here?

I mean, like, your waitress
is an actress,

and the guy who bags your
groceries is a writer.

Well, here's the plain truth.

By night, I tend bar to meet
men, and by day, I

hang out with old people because
they don't have timers.

There's more to you than that, right?

Yeah, I like to spend my time.

You know what? Don't answer if
you can't be sincere, okay?

Get up, Flink.

Oh.

What pleased you?

When you say you're gonna be
somewhere, you be there.

Jeez, Steph, God.

What's the big deal?

Uh, the big deal is you stood up a
reasonably attractive, shockingly

nice, albeit completely emotionally stunted
man in dire need of true love.

Not unlike your sorry ass.

You're naked.

-What?
-No.
-Wearing a robe.

But you're naked underneath.

You don't sleep naked.

-Sometimes I do.
-No, you don't.

You think it makes a rapist's
job easier.

Who's here?

Nobody.

Nobody's here.

Since when do you lie to me?

Hey, I'm, uh, Mikey.

You're, you're Steph, right?

Don't wear it out.

Uh, this is the four-month guy, right?

Yeah.

Oh, two months and 12 days.

But yeah, it's him.

Una, what are you doing?

Have you been seeing him
this whole time?

Yeah, I have.

And it's fine.

I have it under control.

Under control?

Ladies. You're seriously
deluded, my friend.

Why? Because I'm enjoying spending
time with somebody?

Because I'm not a total
slave to the timer?

No, because he's going to break your heart
into a million tiny little pieces.

I'm not self-destructive.

This is it. I think it
might help if I...

Spit it out, Sparky.

Mikey.

What did I say?

My timer.

What about it?

Oh, oh, guys, guys, no, no, it's fake.

Look, see, it just sticks on.

It's fake?

You're not zeroing out?

You don't have a timer at all?

No, I don't.

Uh-oh.

Are you fucking kidding me?

No, wait, wait, wait.
I can explain this.

No, please, explain.

No, no, I can. Look, um...

Okay, so, Retsch found these
things online, you know?

You can just set the timer
for whatever you want.

You know, people are so obsessed
with them, I just

figured that, you know, it'll
take the pressure off.

You mean you use it to pick up women,
kind of like a fake wedding ring.

That's actually kind of clever.

Sorry.

No. I mean, yeah, that's
what they're meant for.

But, no, I just want the
chance to see if

I like the person, and
if they like me back.

I mean, you said yourself you're
different with timerless

guys, so don't you think that we got
to know each other for real?

Yeah.

Except you were lying to
me the whole time.

I didn't want to meet you like this.

And your boxers?

With a timer.

Okay, thanks.

It's nice to meet you.

Oh, is this where you pull away again?

No, this is where I kick
you out of my house.

Fine. Great. Maybe you can
chase after me this time.

Or maybe if you figure out that me not having
a timer is a good thing, call me.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Hi.

I don't think I have anything
to be sorry about, but I am.

I call a foul on that apology.

You're right.

You should be the one who's sorry.

I should have told you.

Yes, you should have.

I just said that.

Okay.

Just come here to make me feel bad?

No.

I just thought maybe we
could hang out again.

After this weekend, of course.

Well, that depends.

On what?

What's this weekend?

Thanksgiving?

Right.

You don't have any plans?

Okay, so, um, my mom is a little
crazy, but totally lovable.

My stepdad, Paul, is much more
sane, so just talk to him.

It's Iris.

Oh, my brother, Jesse?

Great kid.

Oh, and his one and her entire
family are gonna be

here, and it's kind of awkward,
so don't make it worse, okay?

Oh, and you've met my
sister, Steph, and

learn not to leave your
jugular exposed.

Ready?

Hi, don't get up.

Sorry, um This is my mom Marion

Paul It's my stepdad Paul You

know my sister Steph and my brother
Jesse sola dad and her parents.

-Mr. And mrs.
-Morales

Hi, I'm Mikey, right

This is Michael Evers everybody.

Well, we're so glad you could join us
Paul is just mashing the guacamole

♪

Yeah, okay.

All right.

I'm sure Una's told you the happy news
that Soledad is joining our family.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Congratulations.

Felicidades.

Gracias.

Uh, margarita, Mikey?

Oh, whoa, whoa.

Let's see some ID there, Sparky.

Actually, I'm just fine with water.

Thank you, Mr. DePaul.

Always a pleasure, Steph.

I'll have one.

Thanks.

Let's make a toast to two
families becoming one.

So, Una, you've told me so
little about Michael.

How did you two meet?

Thank you.

Um, Mike, he's a musician.

We met at one of his concerts.

Ah, what do you play?

He's a drummer.

Yeah, his band is very successful.

What's your band called again?

Shroombeef?

Did you say Upchuck?

Chuckbeef.

Well, you've heard of us?

Just that one song, Love
is a Hot Mess?

It was a self-released single, right?

Yes, yes it was.

You're blowing my mind.

So, Michael, where are
you from originally?

Excuse me.

Kalamazoo, Michigan.

For real.

Oh, is that why you don't
have a timer?

Sort of.

That and I really don't believe in it.

Ha, ha, ha.

¿Quieres un burrito, Mikey?

Ah, sí, por supuesto.

♪

That went well.

Didn't it go well?

I think it went well.

It went well.

Are you okay?

Of course.

-Why?
-You just seem a little tense.

I'm fine.

♪

♪

♪

♪

Is this thing gonna light
up or buzz both

So, tell me again why it is
you never got a timer.

Uh, I don't know.

It just never happened, I guess.

Um, why not?

Uh, I guess it was because I was
in Michigan at the time.

And, uh, that was about eight years ago
that I was old enough to get one.

And, uh, people were still a little
freaked out by it then.

Now everyone in my old
high school has one.

I just didn't want to
conform, I guess.

You're twenty-two?

Uh, yeah.

What, worse than you thought?

Yeah, well, it's way worse actually.

Did it, uh, did it just buzz?

He's a nice young man Mom

What's wrong with that?

It's like you've seen a play that
you hate and the only thing you

can think to say is however Did you
manage to learn all those lines?

And why don't you just say what you
really think he's too young.

He's uneducated He's outmatched
Seems to me.

That's what you're thinking.

I Am only concerned that you've become
too attached to this boy.

What about no stone unturned I would
be thrilled if he got a timer

if he's your one I would be overjoyed
But I doubt if you'll get him

to agree to get one He's very reminiscent
of your father In what way?

Well, he's a musician.

That's superficial I guess
but he has that same

charming boyish tumbling
tumbleweed quality

It's very seductive.

I know What kind of mother
would I be if I didn't

help you avoid the mistakes
that I made Well, if

my father's a mistake, then
I'm a mistake right Oona.

That's childish

Look, I know you'd do it all
over again for me, but

you can't talk about Paul being
your soulmate and me

being the daughter you were meant
to have in the same breath.

Those are two different paths.

I gotta go.

I thought you were staying for dinner.

No, Mikey and I are going out.

♪

♪

Can I ask you something?

Can I stop you?

What's the deal with boobs
that point out?

I'm not following Okay, like
your boobs they face front

and they're awesome I'm talking
about the girls boobs

that like sway out towards their
arms That's weird It's

like a lazy eye or something like
which one do I look at?

Yeah, unless like They're
really far away and it

looks normal Then you wave
a few bills and they

come on over and it's like hey,
which one do I look at?

And I think maybe they
just sleep on their

stomachs too much and that's
like what the deal is.

Unless it's genetic.

Jesus, if it's genetic, then their

babies' babies are gonna have
tits on their back.

Hey, I got you something.

It's a few more songs to record it.

You might like the track,
You Straighten My Teeth.

That's catchy.

Thank you.

So when do I get to see you again?

Or more specifically, when do I get to see
your nice front-facing boobs again?

I don't know.

Maybe when you grow up?

What's your problem?

Mikey I'm turning 30 this weekend

This is a biological clock thing?

It's everything, you know?

I mean, I don't have time to
stand still like this.

We did the thing where we
pretended that the timer

didn't matter, and I'll grant
you, it was a lot of fun.

But now that I know you
have this virgin

wrist, it's just, it's
back to mattering.

Where is my shoe?

Virgin wrist? What the fuck
are you talking about?

Who are you?

See, this is why I don't want a timer.

This is fucked up.

I need an answer.

I am tired of waiting.

Okay, okay.

Say I get a timer, and
it says that me and

you are supposed to be together
forever and ever.

That'll satisfy you, right?

Yes.

You're gonna trust a little piece of

plastic over what I can
tell you right now.

Cole, you're not telling me anything!

I'm telling you that I love you.

Well, I don't know what that means.

Jesus, Una,

what do you want?

A guarantee.

No, your problem isn't
that I can't give you

a guarantee, it's that you
can't give me one.

Are you kidding?

♪

♪

♪

I need to do something.

No kidding.

-What?
-I'm going to see Rick.

Holy shit.

I get off in 20 minutes.

-Screw it.
-Let's go.

Little different than the apartment
you grew up in, huh?

Yeah, I slept on an ironing board
that folded up from the wall.

You think he'll recognize me?

You grew boobs, not a new head.

Not too late to ding dong ditch.

You got a bag of dog shit on you?

Hi, hi, uh, we're here to see Rick

Regarding oh Oh, no, no.

No, not at all like that.

No, uh, this is weird.

I'm his daughter

Rick, these girls are here to see you.

Hi,

um, can I use your bathroom?

Sure.

Excuse me.

Sorry, I didn't call before I came by.

It's fine.

Uh, please, have a seat.

How are you?

Great.

This might be totally inappropriate,
but I have a friend.

He may or may not be talented,
but anyway, he's in a

band and I just thought maybe you
could look at his CD demo.

No problem.

Uh, okay, so, you know what?

Look, I don't want to take
any more of your time.

I was just really hoping
that maybe you

could tell me why it is
you never got a timer.

I know I, like, totally offend your

bohemian sensibilities and
everything, but...

Oh, I have a timer.

What?

When did you get a timer?

Before you and your mother left.

I thought you refused.

No, it was my idea.

I knew everything was going to fall
apart before you were born.

But Marion couldn't give up.

I thought if I got a timer that she
could see it a little clearer.

When did you zero out?

I haven't yet.

Can you believe it?

A couple of more lessons
to learn, I guess.

Let's go

Oh, thank you.

It's nice to meet you.

I had it removed.

Your dad isn't my one.

But I love him.

Fuck it.

Hell yeah!

We should have done this
like years ago.

I mean, this is gonna be
better than that time

we convinced Katie Meyers
to shave her eyebrows.

Oh, yeah. Una! Haven't
seen you for a while.

Oh, girl, you weren't kidding about
process of elimination.

No.

-No.
-This is my sister, Steph.

-Oh, hi.
-Nice to meet you.

Likewise.

We want to get our timers removed.

Removed?

Like, removed completely?

Yes.

Oh, Una, honey, you giving up?

She's moving on.

We both are.

So, can you pop these
suckers off or what?

I don't know.

I've never done a removal.

I'll have to talk to my manager.

Are you certain you want
to make this mistake?

Absolutely.

Damn straight.

Okay.

Well, removal is more painful
than implantation,

one of the many reasons why
we advise against it.

You're aware there will
be a noticeable scar?

It's cool.

We're warriors.

Oh, wow, that is ancient.

That's so old.

Yeah, how about we limit
the editorial comments?

Right.

You ready?

Since I was 14.

Okay.

Count of three.

One.

Two.

Fuck me!

Ah!

Wasn't that bad.

I'm fine.

What happened to three?

I felt 10 pounds lighter.

All right, you're up, champ.

Uh-huh.

Marion's gonna flip her shit!

Good.

Oh.

Uh, now, Uno, you do realize
that once the device

is removed, it damages the
sensory area irreparably.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, where was that warning
when I went?

Um, what does that mean exactly?

It means you can't get another
timer implanted.

Your other wrist isn't
a viable option.

One shot's all you got.

Um, just, okay.

Question.

Do you think the timer actually works,

or is it just a self-fulfilling
prophecy?

The chicken, the egg, it's
all a big clusterfuck.

Or not.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

I got you.

Okay.

Yeah, just do it.

-Are you sure?
-Mm-hmm.
-Okay.

Count to three.

Mm-hmm.

One,

two,

-What?
-What is that?

What's happening?

This is crazy!

What's crazy?

I guess that somewhere out there,
your one just got a timer.

Holy shit.

You're gonna meet him tomorrow.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You made a mistake, okay?

You just shorted it out or something.

I mean, there's no way.

It can't be real.

Even if it was, it doesn't matter.

Look, maybe it's Mikey, and,
like, he's the next person

you're gonna see, or, you know, it
could be someone else, I guess.

I mean, either way, you're
gonna meet him,

so you're still getting
it removed, right?

Una, right?

I don't...

I don't know

It's finally happening.

I'll be in the car

You won't regret it.

It'll be $79.99 plus tax
for sister's removal.

Still did that.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Jesse, man your post.

Hi.

Leave your spot one more
time, and I'm gonna

make you listen to one of my
tapes with me in my car.

-Mikey!
-How are you?

Come in, they'll be here any minute.

Glad you could come.

Thank you for inviting me.

Oh, hey.

Dude, I am not moving.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Hi.

Thank you.

-Dan.
-I'm Mike.

Nice to meet you.

You a part of the family?

Uh, no, just a friend.

Me too.

Mom, she's here.

Quiet everybody, quiet.

Shh, they're here, they're here.

Mikey, come on, come on.

Shh, it's okay.

Okay, hit the lights.

Surprise!

What's going on?

Steph, where's Oona?

Uh, I don't know.

We didn't come together.

Oh, well, that's okay.

Happy birthday, sweetheart.

What?

I look great.

Shit.

That's not the reaction I expected.

But...

I want to crush them.

Do it.

It's your birthday.

-Yeah...
-Thank you.
-Thank

you.

I'm sorry for the wait.

Hey.

Ojalá que un día me dejes serte feliz.

That's perfect.

-Thank you.
-Excuse me, Mrs. DePaul?

Mm-hmm. Um, uh, Luz would like
me to translate for her.

Oh, wonderful.

No tenemos que ser amigas.

We're not friends.

I'm so sorry.

No, no, I'm a little rusty.

What she said was you two don't
have to be friends.

Okay.

Hubiera sido mejor si en
unos dos o tres años

Jesse y Soledad hubieran empezado
a salir en secreto.

It would have been easier if Jesse and

Soledad had started seeing
each other in secret.

Y si los hubiéramos descubierto
irritando, llorando.

And then we had found out about it
disapproving, yelling, screaming.

Tendríamos que aceptar su amor y nuestras
familias después de que se casaran.

Forcing us to accept
their love and each

other's families after
they were married.

Oh, I would have preferred that too.

Yo también lo preferiría.

Well, for now, I'm still the maid, and
you're the owner of the house.

For now, I'm your housekeeper,
and you are my boss.

That's a good plan.

Isn't that a good plan?

Well done, Luz.

That's a good plan.

Muy bien, Luz.

Gracias.

Gracias.

That's it.

-Luna?
-Oh, hi!

Jesse!

-Steph!
-Hold!

Just wanted to be included.

Everybody!

Birthday girl!

♪

Oona, you're tired.

♪

You got a timer?

When did yours start counting down?

last night

Steph incidentally i may have made
things worse by inviting Mikey

I'm Marion.

Hi, Dan.

Uh, Paul.

Hi, Dan.

Dan, what do you do?

Mikey!

Mikey!

♪

♪

♪

♪

It's, uh, it's gonna be
hard to cover that up.

You know, laying shit bare is kind of the
theme of the night, don't you think?

You okay?

Are you kidding?

We should talk about that?

There's nothing to talk about.

I mean, God, I was just being nice to you,
you know, all fresh off the bus.

I didn't want to see you get seduced
by the adult film industry or L.

Ron Hubbard.

Hi.

It's a fucking Greek
tragedy up in here.

Yeah, I should leave.

No, you know what?

I should go.

I'll go.

Give you two, um, some privacy.

Steph, please, stay.

Talk to me.

Okay, um...

You're an unforgivable
bitch for Bogarting

the one quasi-romantic happiness
I've ever known.

Nobody except Bogarting.

I don't need your help, okay?

You know what? Don't talk
to him like that.

You're gonna be pissed at
me, but not at him?

He's the one who suddenly
decided to get a

timer at the most colossally
inconvenient time ever.

I had no idea it was
gonna be this bad.

Hey, new guy, you know, since you took
your sweet time showing up in

my life, can you just give me a few
more minutes alone with my sister?

Would you stop being such
a bitch to him?

Can you stop being such a bitch to me?

I'm just mad, okay?

I'm allowed to be mad.

It's not exactly fair that you
get everything, and I...

We've watched everybody
we know zero out, but

you and I, we've always had
our fucked-up timers.

It was us and them.

I'm not a vampire.

Oh, now you are.

Can you just give us a minute?

No problem.

You know, I got the timer
because of you, Steph.

Because spending time with you made
me not want to be alone anymore.

And if there's any upside
to all this, it's that

now I know you're gonna be a
part of my life for good.

If there's any upside to this.

Sounds like you made a great
first impression.

Who is he?

That's Dan.

Your man.

How do I not know about a
whole man in your life?

You've been a little preoccupied
with your own shit lately.

Okay.

Um...

So, this is where we are.

Um, I'm gonna go, and you're
gonna stay here and

be mad, and you can sulk
all weekend long if you

want to, but come Monday morning,
you have to come home.

You're my favorite person in
the world, and you were my

one long before any of these boys
showed up, and it just...

It's just not worth it without you.

♪

♪

Bye.

Where are the boys?

At a gig in San Francisco.

You didn't go?

I had plans last night.

Fuck the timer.

Really, I don't care about it anymore.

It says I'm supposed to
walk off into the

sunset with some stranger,
and I don't accept that.

You're just freaking out because
now you have what you want.

I don't have what I want.

Okay?

I got it removed.

Okay?

And I know what you're thinking.

That it's moot.

That I already zeroed out.

That we already know who
my supposed one is.

That it's too late, and there's no going
back, and it's a pointless gesture.

Right?

That's what you're thinking, right?

Now I'm wondering if mood
is a real word.

Look, it's too late.

How can it be too late?

You don't even believe in the timer!

I don't believe that we should have
them, but I know that it works.

Well, even if it does, who
knows how long it'll be

before he and I- A year from
now, we'll be together.

A year is a long time.

See, for me, the answer is yes.

Of course, without a doubt,
we are together.

My uncertainty isn't because
of the timer.

I know that.

It's because you're not
in love with me.

-I...
-I was in love with you.

I'm...

I think I was.

I think I ruined it, didn't I?

Maybe.

You're being awfully stoic.

Okay, I don't know what
that means either.

But you broke my fucking heart and I'm

really trying to be a
man about it, okay?

So cut me some fucking slack here.

-Ow!
-Fuck!

Things were so much easier when
you had the fake timer.

Because you didn't have to pretend
we were something we're not.

No, because I stopped sweating my
future like you told me to.

That's just with you, and I loved it.

Well, I do appreciate the
pointless gesture.

Is that a scar?

There will be.

You scarred me

But in a good way.

♪

I don't really go there, you don't
care about the time anymore.

That's why, you know for sure.

♪

♪

♪

♪

It's 837 in the morning.

I thought you were dead

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

look weird, huh?

It's my, uh, relay team.

Gave them those masks.

It's like these, uh, Bangladesh
honey hunter...

-Yeah.
-No, I know.

I, uh, saw the...

special.

Oh.

I know they wear them on the
back of their heads.

It's to deter hungry tigers.

Exactly, yeah.

No, it's, uh, to psych out
your competitor thing.

-Yeah.
-It's so weird.

Weird, yeah.

Yeah.

Um...

So what are you doing on my track?

Uh, it's usually my track.

From 7 to 7.45.

Yeah.

I got a late start this morning.

I'm sorry I was so rude to you.

It's, uh, it's okay.

Oh, please don't take it personally.

It's okay.

I'm just glad you're alright.

When mine went blank, I was worried
you got hit by a bus.

I'm okay.

I, uh, I should get back
to my real I.T.

Yeah, okay.

You should get a late
start more often.

♪

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