Original subtitles

We want a stadium. We need a stadium.

Tasmanians have had a bloody gutful over your stadium

and you can stick it up your bum!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

MALE VOICE CHOIR (SINGS) # Well, we've got Cradle Mountain

# And we've got Mona Museum

# We've got Salamanca Market

# And a great footy team

# We'll kick your arse! #

We've got a museum in a football club song.

Do we have to have a team song?

Well, I expect we'll win a game eventually, Destiny.

Yeah, but why do we have them? We're not Welsh coal miners.

What do you expect the players to do after a win, then?

I don't know but I don't expect athletes to sing.

After the 100m,

I don't expect Usain Bolt to break into a rendition of Nessun Dorma.

It's about bonding. It's about celebration.

(PHONE BLEEPS) Ooh, Alastair - Facetime.

No, no, no, no. Can we not do that now, please?

Thank you, Jameson. Uh, Hugh, Destiny. I won't keep you long.

I know you've got a lot to do,

because you've certainly done fuck-all so far.

Have you got the club song yet? No but we're about...

God almighty! How hard is it to write a football club song?

Impossible, judging by the existing ones.

If you can't deliver a bloody song on time,

how are you going to go with a multi-purpose stadium?

Just on that, Alastair -

why do we have to build a stadium to get a team?

Because you can't have one without the other.

Yeah but why not? Because they're inextricably linked.

Yeah, I do understand that concept. I'm asking why.

Because.

Yeah, I mean, I find that a compelling argument, Alastair.

I just don't know if they're really buying it down here.

Well, when you're running the AFL, Hugh...

(LAUGHS)

God, that's a funny idea.

..you can mount your own argument.

Look, the club presidents want to see some progress,

so pick up the pace.

I need a song and a mascot by yesterday.

Hey, I've gotta build a club and a $715 million stadium here.

It's $745 million now. Whatever.

Can you just get on board with all this stuff?

Oh, maybe I should just transfer you

the state government's $375 million now,

so you can spend the taxpayers' money any way you see fit.

You say that like it would be inappropriate.

Hence why we have chosen three couples

from three very different suburbs.

We want a broad cross-section of views.

Do we still get paid,

even if we don't know anything about the football?

Uh...yes. What if we slag off the AFL?

Same fee? Yes, yes.

There's no loading for sucking up. So, we need a club motto.

To give you an example, the GWS Giants used,

"Think big, live big, play big."

So, thinking about Tasmania

and what image the club might want to project,

what sort of motto do you think might work well?

Anyone?

Uh, Jun.

Train to win? Great.

Someone else.

Well, what about,

"Finally, after all these years, we're in like Flynn."

Thank you, Oliver.

So equating Tassie entering the AFL with Errol Flynn entering a woman.

OK.

Well, it kind of ruins it when you explain it.

Sorry, I thought...I just thought not everyone would be familiar

with the expression and who Flynn was.

He was a root-rat. Yes.

My mistake. Any other thoughts?

When do we get paid?

Straight afterwards.

Uh, Evelyn, do you have any thoughts on a motto?

What about, "Prioritising your taxes inappropriately."

Oh! Here we go.

What's your problem? Well, if you must know...

Actually, you know what?

We're going to move on,

because we are also wanting to canvass nicknames for the club.

Well, it's got to be the Tassie Devils, doesn't it?

Yeah. What about the Tassie Mutton Birds?

The Tassie Mutton Birds. Yes. Of course.

It doesn't have to be an animal, though.

What about the Tassie Homeless? (OTHERS MUTTER)

What about the Tassie Woke Anti-everything Protesters?

Yeah. The Wet fucking Blankets. Are you calling me a wet blanket?

Yes, mate, I am. You and your missus.

Don't you talk about my family!

Oh, sit down, you snowflake!

What's all that about? (ANGRY SHOUTING)

Uh...Adam? Yes.

Are you the mascot?

Yes. Amazing.

Uh, Hugh Shen, CEO. Hi.

And Destiny Pitt, COO. Nice to meet you.

Thank you.

And I am, of course, Adam the Apple

from the Apple Isle.

(CHUCKLES) You're not quite all there, are you?

That's right!

Some poor sod's taken a bite, only to discover Willie the worm.

Oh, that's what that is.

Look, I think we've seen enough, haven't we?

Absolutely. Yeah.

Not sure a piece of diseased fruit ticks all the boxes

but thank you so much for your time.

Jameson, would you please show Adam the Apple...Donnie the Door?

Alright. (SIGHS)

Sorry, mate, but, um...yeah, thanks for coming in.

Was it the worm? No! Love the worm.

More, um...

the whole concept, I reckon.

Well, that's something to work on.

That's really helpful feedback. Thank you.

Amazing. (LIFT BELL DINGS)

Anyway, your mates at the AFL

are the ones saying we have to build a stadium or there's no team.

What if there's a change of government?

They decide, like half of Tasmania,

there are more important things to spend that money on.

That's why we need to crack on,

so it's all too far advanced for them to kibosh it.

Jameson, you've got to screen out the real nutters.

I am. I said no to Clayton the Clean Air.

Clean Air? How do you make a costume for that?

He said you can't.

He was just gonna do it nude.

That's it!

Jameson.

Listen, I need your help.

Destiny knows nothing about football, OK?

You want me to try and explain it to her?

Please don't. Cool.

The state government's put her here

so they can say they're monitoring how their investment's been spent.

Oh, yeah. I think she's up to no good.

Me too - are you thinking some elaborate scam

where she siphons money into an offshore account?

No. No.

Look, this project is of monumental importance, alright?

Oh, yeah. It's huge for Tasmania.

That - plus, if I pull it off,

I can make a very good case to be the AFL's next CEO.

If I fuck it up, I'll end up head of umpiring.

My worry is Destiny's trying to sabotage it.

Me too.

Maybe Launceston's behind it.

This north-south rivalry down here's vicious.

It's like the Troubles in Ireland. Yeah.

Yeah, it's exactly the same.

So, see what you can find out about her.

See if she's got wealthy connections up there

and just generally keep me apprised of her machinations, yeah?

You...

Tell me what she's up to. Yeah. Yes.

OK.

Uh, Jameson, can I, um...

can I take you into my confidence?

100%. Everybody does. Cool.

Yeah.

Bronwyn in Pay told me yesterday, in confidence,

that she just applied for a job with Raw Energy.

Well, Hugh - and disclaimer, I don't know the guy -

but I'm not sure he has any regard

for the principles of good governance

or socially aware business practices.

Yeah, I picked up on that.

Now, the Premier has put me here

to be accountable for every dollar spent,

so you can see the importance of this.

100%. It's a huge thing for Tassie.

Yeah, that - and also it will be career defining for me.

So on behalf of the government I need you to keep an eye on him

and just let me know what he's doing.

Keep you apprised of his machinations.

Exactly.

And we never had this conversation.

So you don't want me to do it?

Do it - but don't tell Hugh we had this conversation.

Yeah. Amazing. Amazing.

Yep. Yeah.

Good afternoon. Hi.

OK. Are we good to go?

Yes.

Well, Jane, welcome to Tasmania's Got Talent.

Oh, I doubt we'd degrade ourselves to appear on that.

No. (CHUCKLES) No. Well, I just made it up, so...

Anyway, the floor is yours, Jane.

Blow our minds.

OK, ladies. Stay with me, Helene. (INHALES)

(WOMEN SING OPERATICALLY) # Come on, everybody

# Make some noise

# For we are the good old Tassie boys

# We're fit and strong

# We'll kick it long

# Unless there's an obvious short person

# We'll hit them hard and fight like dogs

# As trucks roll by with old-growth logs

# We'll kick the score that wins the game

# 'Cause after all

# That is the aim... #

(HOLDS NOTES)

# We're Tasmanians Taking all the knocks

# Tasmania The state without a fox

# They'll lose by a mile

# When they get to the Apple Isle. #

(LAUGHS)

Extraordinary. Thank you.

Please take a seat.

They'll stand.

Oh, so beautiful. JANE: Thank you.

It was. Thank you.

First thoughts - and I don't know if you've considered this

but do you think that footballers would be able to sing that?

Well, with respect, that's not really my problem.

I'm providing the material

and it's up to you and your football department

to provide the talent to execute it.

DESTINY: I mean, it would make us stand out from the pack

and it does align with our reputation

as being a home for the arts.

Mmm...

JANE: Are we not striving to be the best club in the competition?

I take your point.

It's just that I don't think an AFL club

is going to start drafting kids from the Vienna Boys' Choir.

The fans have to be able to sing it too.

Exactly right, Jameson.

To sing that,

we'd have to put every tattooed, tone-deaf footy-head in the state

through the Conservatorium of Music.

Alright. Let's go.

We're wasting our time here.

Thanks, Jane. Thanks. Thanks, everyone.

Do you know what it says on the Tasmanian number plate?

"Explore the possibilities."

Well, that rules that song out, then.

Do you want to see another mascot try-out now?

She's come as Mickey Mount Wellington.

She's got a little cable car running up her arm and everything -

and it's detachable, if you're opposed to it.

For a start, we'd prefer the Aboriginal or Palawa name Kunanyi

to Mount Wellington.

I can ask if she's happy to change it to...

..Barney Kunanyi.

If that's not disrespectful.

So, uh, Destiny,

you always lived in Hobart?

No. I went to school up north. (MICROWAVE BEEPS)

Really? Excuse me.

So, up north, eh? Right. OK. That'd be what?

Davenport, or, um... Launceston.

Excuse me.

Yeah. So, uh, Launie.

Launie. You, uh, still got any friends up there?

Good friends?

Um, yeah, I've got... got friends there.

Amazing. 'Scuse.

Yeah. Um...

So, powerful friends or, uh...

Hey, Hugh. Jameson.

Just talking to Destiny about her contacts in Launie.

What's...going on with you?

Don't mean to pry - just in general, work-wise...

Alastair called again.

He wants us to look outside Tasmania for a professional musician.

The government would prefer it's someone local.

Oh, why didn't I think of telling Alastair that?

Because you're intimidated by him. I am not.

What about Tim Minchin? He'd be alright.

Minchin. Is he a good fit?

Would he write a footy club song?

He wrote a song about Cardinal George Pell.

How's that relevant?

Pell was a good footballer in his day. Signed with Richmond.

Yeah, I don't think that song was about his football prowess, though.

It wasn't, "Up there, George Pell."

No, it was, "Come back, Cardinal Pell."

Yeah. Come back from the Vatican.

Not from being six goals down at half-time.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Ooh. Yep.

And... Excuse me.

OK. Excuse me.

I'm really getting in the way.

Sorry. (MUMBLES)

(PHONE RINGS, BUZZES)

Hi, Alistair. Are you still at work?

Yep. Still here. Made any progress on sponsorships?

Sponsorships? Yeah.

I've got a couple of promising nibbles this week

that I'll follow up on, so...

Well, stitch them up! You should have made a few by now.

Well, the economy here is no good, mate. It's a bit tough.

Where are you with the location for the training and admin base?

Yeah. I'm just waiting on a couple of reports on that.

That needs to be happening now, Hugh.

Yeah, well, the councils are a nightmare.

Whose arse do you need to kiss?

I'm not sure yet.

Yeah, well, look into it and pucker up.

Make it a priority. Right.

You missing Melbourne? Yeah, I really am.

I don't know anyone down here and...

Yeah. OK. See ya.

OK. Oh!

What do you reckon, Merlot?

We're not gonna kiss any arse, are we? Hey?

I'm being set up to fail, aren't I?

Alistair's given me a poisoned chalice because I'm a threat.

A big threat, who might take his job.

Shouldn't have your dog in at work, Hugh.

Sales are up 9% for the quarter,

which we expect to get to double figures over the next six months.

So, whilst we're a relatively new player

in the salmon industry here,

our market penetration,

driven by our focus on world's best practice farming techniques,

delivering unsurpassed quality product,

is rapidly establishing us as, uh, if you'll pardon the pun,

a premier brand.

And you feed them chicken shit, don't you?

A component of poultry litter is involved.

And chemicals to make them orange.

We do use a synthetic colouring additive with no known health risks.

Mmm. Yum.

So you're looking to increase your exposure.

Oh! Fuck off. Excuse me?

The... Sorry. The wasabi.

Sorry. Oh, yes. That's quite hot.

(SPITS) And so is that tea.

Yes, we absolutely are looking to increase our exposure, Hugh.

What I would love to see

is that we come on board as a major sponsor,

with an agreement to be the sole supplier

of fresh seafood to the venue,

because I see some synergies

between Salmania and our new AFL team

that could be of tremendous mutual benefit.

We're both new, Tassie, fresh,

determined to make it to number one.

They're not the only synergies, though, are they?

No, no I'm sure they're not.

Brian Noyce, one of our board members,

is also a director of your company, isn't he?

That's right - which provides a fantastic opportunity.

Or a conflict of interest. For both parties to benefit. Huh?

How is it a conflict if Brian wants his football club

to provide top-quality seafood produce to its customers,

and his company can provide it?

I'll send you a link.

Yeah, look, we'll deal with that if it becomes an issue, OK?

What level of sponsorship are we talking about here, George?

That will really depend, Hugh, on what you can bring to the table.

And don't say a lap-dancer. Hey?

Hey? (CHUCKLES)

No, I'm not saying that.

Did you have anything specific in mind?

Well, I'm not sure what this sort of thing costs

but ideally, what we would love

is that the club jumper be predominantly pink on the front

and silvery grey on the back.

So, like a salmon steak. Yeah! That's it.

And then why don't we put little fins on the side?

Except that would make them easier to tackle.

Not if they were oily. Ooh, yeah. Good point.

Ooh!

Do I detect a frosty vibe? Hopefully.

Wouldn't want to be wasting this awkwardness.

What have I done? Oh!

Well, I mean, you really sweet-talked him with all that stuff

about chicken shit and conflicts of interest, didn't you?

Well, that arrangement would be totally inappropriate.

And he's a wanker!

We're going to knock back business heavyweights because they're wankers?

We'll have no corporate sponsorships! We need to welcome wankers.

Be more inclusive.

I'm going to call out conflicts of interest when I see them.

Yeah. That's fine - but this is a small state.

If you want board members from the business community,

chances are they'll be involved in something

that benefits from the stadium.

So if a conflict of interest is inevitable, it's OK?

Well, you want local input. I mean, what's the conflict, really?

So when the board meet to decide the catering contract,

Brian Noice steps out of the room and his fellow directors say,

"Brian's a good guy and a valuable board member,

"and his company's sponsorship is valuable

"but we'll give the contract to somebody else."

Well, why would they do that? Exactly. Why would they?

So what's the problem? Seriously?

It's OK that his company benefits financially

from his position on the board?

That's business.

Oh, see, us public servants don't understand business.

Do you want this project to happen?

I'm completely agnostic about it.

Agnostic or atheistic?

Well, what I'm not going to be is a Hillsong happy clapper.

But are you excited about it?

Within the parameters of being a public servant.

I have no interest in sport. Jesus!

So no, I'm not excited.

I don't have an emotional attachment to a proposed building

or a non-existent sporting team.

Put that on a bumper sticker.

Why'd they choose you, then? (PHONE RINGS, BUZZES)

Hi, Jameson. Hey.

So I've been looking into Destiny, and, um...

You're on speaker!

You're on speaker and Destiny is with me, Jameson, so...

Uh...OK. Well, uh...

So... Uh, um...

So... Um...

Does her workspace comply ergonomically with the guidelines?

What?

Oh...yes. Yes, it completely complies.

Yep. Check...checked it out. Great.

All good. OK. Thanks, Jameson.

Sure. And, Destiny, I will talk to you later.

Please do. Just about work stuff, not Hugh.

Yep. Goodbye, Jameson. OK. Bye.

As regards to the team nickname,

the Tassie Devils seems to be the most popular.

Great. Great.

Great - an animal known for its facial tumours

that we only ever see as roadkill.

That's the image we want to go with?

But we would need to get permission from Warner Brothers

to use the Tasmanian Devil.

How can they copyright a marsupial?

So if we didn't get it, what are we left with?

A facial tumour. Be an awesome costume.

The bigger issue with the term 'devils', though,

is the religious right in Tassie, especially up north.

They are not going to be happy with the connotations.

Yeah, right.

You don't think we could convince them

that we're not actually going to be worshipping Satan?

Do they think the GWS Giants are actually giants?

Is 'giants' PC?

It really should be 'large people', shouldn't it?

Sure.

From now on, we'll refer to them

as the Greater Western Sydney Large People.

Assuming 'Greater' is OK. It's a bit judgemental.

Yep. Fine. Let's go with the Broader Western Sydney Large People.

OK.

Thanks, Angela.

There's a lot of people not happy about this stadium.

They are really worried about it.

Can we address that in some way? Yes.

Ah!

We'll build the stadium and shut them up.

OK. Well, I've got to prep for another focus group.

If anyone needs me, I'll be with my trauma counsellor.

If anyone wants me, I'll be in the toilet.

That makes it just that little bit less likely.

Hey, I think you and I need to do a bit of a re-set.

Maybe we should go for a drink after work, over the road?

I'll be there about 5:00.

I've got yoga after work. Don't get out till 7:00.

Perfect. WOMAN: Hello, my darling boy!

Oh, God. Oh. President?

Oh, sweetheart!

Also chair of the Tasmanian Chamber of Nepotism.

Was she really the best candidate for president?

Oh, by several million dollars,

which is a skill set we'll make great use of.

Catherine! No big ideas for you today.

Awww!

But you're still working on

my Antarctic training camp idea anyway, aren't you?

Really pushing hard for it.

And my robot water carriers

and the goal posts with the fireworks coming out the top?

All progressing as I'd hoped.

No, I just dropped by to see how my boy's going.

Oh, OK. Is he? Oh, tremendous.

His dad and I were worried he might not be up to it,

but happy to be proven wrong.

He really appreciates that you both respect him for who he is.

Well, that's amazing that he feels like that.

Because the fact that I am a wealthy businesswoman

should in no way influence how you deal with him.

It doesn't. Good.

I've been treating him like scum.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, good.

('WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES' BY THE DOOBIE BROTHERS)

Uh, no, thank you.

So, men's team in the VFL in 2026.

Women's team, 2027.

Build a training and admin facility and a stadium -

team in the AFL in 2028.

Back to Melbourne,

depose Alastair, run the AFL.

What about you?

Become the senior public servant in Tasmania by the time I'm 35.

Why wait till then? Identify your rivals.

Undermine them. Stab them in the back.

See? It's my public service naivety again.

This is probably about my own mortality

but lately I've been noticing

how fabulous young people's skin is.

OK.

I've gotta go.

Hey, I didn't mean anything. I'll see you tomorrow.

# As she rises to her apology... #

Shit.

MEN: (BELLOW) # Resistance is useless

# We will keep you scoreless

# In our evil reign

# In our evil reign... #

Morning! Jameson?

Yeah. Um... (CLEARS THROAT)

So, how do you reckon it's all going, Hugh?

Good?

Amazing. Yeah.

Everything's, uh, being done as per the contract and that?

Is Destiny asking you to report to her about me,

the way I've asked you to report to me about her?

No. No, no. That conversation never happened.

The conversation where she asked you to report on me?

No. I mean, yes.

Yes what? Yes.

The conversation where she asked me to report on you.

That conversation never happened?

No.

No, it did happen, or no, it never happened?

Yes. It...never happened.

I'm confused, because you said, no, it never happened

and now, yes, it never happened.

So am I right in saying that conversation never happened?

No. It never happened?

Uh, no, you're not right.

It happened but it never happened.

Thank you.

Can I have a word? Uh-huh.

I just want you to know that I'm sincerely sorry for last night.

I was making a general observation

and I guess trying to pay you a compliment.

But what I said was inappropriate.

It won't happen again

and I apologise for any discomfort it made you feel.

I appreciate you'd be within your rights to report this.

I would just... Don't worry about it.

You were drunk.

You're single, lonely, hard to warm to, sex-starved

and I'm attractive - I get it.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

I mean, I don't think there was inherently

anything wrong with what I said

but, uh, because there's this power imbalance between us, I...

I don't think there's a power imbalance.

Oh, well...

Yeah. Great. Great.

It would have been really creepy if there was a power imbalance.

It would have been a different matter.

Right.

Well, great.

So we're good?

We're alright. Good morning, good morning!

How are we? George.

Morning, George. Righto.

I'm just passing through

and I thought I would drop off a sample of our product for you.

A side of our beautiful, hot-smoked salmon.

Magic. Thank you very much.

Pleasure. Destiny? Uh, no, thank you.

No? Come on.

Don't tell me that eating beautiful, fresh Tassie produce

is a conflict of interest.

Accepting a gift in these circumstances is inappropriate.

Destiny, come on.

He's not going to buy his way into a catering contract

with a couple of pieces of fish.

Hey, they're whole sides of salmon. It's not right.

I'm sorry, George. Don't apologise for me.

Sorry. I apologise for me.

I respect your passion.

I respect your beliefs.

But come on. Oh! It's delicious.

Here.

Um, this is for you.

It's a whole side of smoked salmon.

Oh, I'm not eating that.

That mob feed 'em chicken shit.

# Well, we've got Cradle Mountain

# And we've got Mona Museum

# We've got Salamanca Market

# And a great footy team

# We'll kick your arse! #

What the fuck have you two been doing?

You haven't got a song or a location for the training and admin centre.

You need to watch your tone.

Football Tasmania is soccer. You're football.

See, soccer is football and football's football

but Football Tasmania is soccer.

So, stadium over there

and potentially the training and admin facility

somewhere around here.

Somewhere around this sacred precinct.

What's that area over there? Oh, that's government housing.

Oh, yeah. How much land?

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