All language subtitles for Smack the Pony S01E02 720p WEB-DL HEVC x265 BONE2

-- This programme contains strong
language.

# Where does our love lie?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Where does he pass me by?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Baby, won't you tell me
what am I to do?

# I'm in the middle of nowhere
Getting nowhere with you. #

-- Can I jump in ahead of you?
I've only got one copy to do.

-- No, no. That's fine.

-- Thanks.

-- You're welcome.

-- Are you ready?
--Yeah.

-- Da-nah!

-- Wow. Wow! Wow! You look amazing.

-- Do you like it?
--Phwooaarr!

Uh-uh! Ding-ding-ding-ding!

Shexy yay-dee!
--Sure you like it?

-- He's gonna be all over you.
He'll be gagging for it.

He'll be sticking up like a wicket!
Tongue in ear. Hands everywhere.

He'll have to have you
in the back of the taxi.

The cab driver's watching and you're
gonna be at it like bastards!

He's gonna be like "Uh! Uh! Uh!"

You're gonna be "Oh! Oh! Oh!"

You'll be twittering.

You'll be like "Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Jingle bells! Here comes Santa!"

You won't be able to walk -
beard rash everywhere.

Big smile on your face.
Won't have any pants.

Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I just haven't had sex
for a long time.

-- I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go and put a cardie on.

-- You've forgotten your map.

-- I don't want it.

Go away!

-- Narrow-gauge bypass clamp.

Please. Thank you, Claire.

-- You nicked a capillary there.

-- I can see that, thank you, Mandy.

-- Amanda.
--Hmm?

-- Amanda.

-- Swab it and clamp, please...

A...MAN...da.

-- Staple, please, Claire.

-- You'll find you just splashed me.

-- No, I didn't.

-- There's definitely a speck.

Thank you.
An apology would have been nice.

-- Sorry.

-- Ac...cep...ted.

Oh, I am sorry. Wipe, please, Claire.

If you could check saline for me
and swab again.

-- Whoops!

-- Am I right in thinking you did that
accidently on purpose, A-man-da?

What do you think, Claire? Burkitt?

I'm waiting.
--No way.

-- Say you're sorry.

-- No. I won't.

Christ! It's bleeding.

-- So, say you're sorry, then.
Claire, plaster for Mindy.

-- No, I won't.

You say you're sorry.

-- Ready now?

-- Sorry.

-- Who's the chief surgeon?

-- You are.

-- Suture, please, Claire.

BANGING TECHNO PLAYS

When I walk into a crowded room,
with people I don't know...

I find it very difficult to breathe
and I can't be myself and I perspire.

-- Before we kick off properly,
as it were...

I'd like to lay down some rules.

-- OK, yeah.

-- Well, you may already know this,

but the analysand and analyst -
here, you and I -

erm, relationship is traditionally
fraught with difficulties.

You may experience something
that we call transference.

-- Ah, mmm.
--Yes?

Which may experience itself as
an intense longing for, um,...

me. Mad as it may seem.

-- SHE LAUGHS

-- Oh, I probably don't need
to say this but...

it's not impossible that,
over a course of sessions

you may begin to imagine
that you desire me...

or that you've
fallen in love with me.

That you want me. To be blunt.

Are you experiencing
anything like that now?

-- For you? -- Yes.

-- No. -- Are you gay?

-- No.

-- Don't be alarmed if, quite soon,
you begin to experience a desire...

to reach out and cradle my head,
stroke my face

and generally proposition me and try
to make merry with me

outside this building.

But I ought also to say that
that's not generally

something that's allowed.

-- Right. It's not gonna be a problem.

-- Mmm-hmm.

Fine.

I am quite expensive,
do you know that?

Might be out of your league.

-- I'm delighted you're joining us.
We need a fresh pair of legs.

Anything you'd like to ask?

-- Oh, no. I don't think so.
I think you've covered everything.

-- It's a pleasure to, er...

Aaaah!
--Aaaah!

-- I'll introduce you
to the rest of the department.

-- Yes, thank you.

-- Barbara. Justin.

-- Morning. Nice to meet you.

-- This is Carolyn, our new recruit.

-- Pleased to meet you.
--I'm in marketing, too.

-- Oh, great.

-- So, we'll see you on Tuesday.

-- Thanks so much.

-- I've put the memo on your desk.

-- Thank you very much.

-- Take your marks.

-- STARTING PISTOL SOUNDS

Hi. So...

this is...?

-- George.
--Yup. And George is...?

-- Not very happy.

-- No, obviously. And he's...?

-- Hurt his leg.

-- And...

..he's a...

Um.

-- Hamster.

-- Yes! Of course. Hamster, hamster.

Put him down on the table
and I'll have a little...

Goodness gracious me.

Whoa! It's got...

It's got some teeth, obviously.

What I'm going to do is...

Ah.

I'm going to try to catch him
in the cup.

-- No. -- Yes. No, upside down.

His back legs would be up
so I can see.

No, look, I do know what I'm doing.
I am a vet.

Yes, you see.
Not such an idiot after all.

There we go.

-- # When all the world is cold
and stinky

# And your mates
are out shaggin' someone new

# When you need to come home
to a real friend

# One who is always there
just for you

# To share
all the special sharey moments

# To do all those weekendy
sorts of things

# Who will give you what you want
Do the things you want to do

# Solve your problems
with one stroke

# Cats! For when
you just can't get a bloke. #

-- DANCE MUSIC PLAYING

-- Emma?

God, hi! -- Oh, hi.

-- I haven't seen you for ages. Have
you been avoiding me?

-- Well... -- What are you doing though?

-- I'm... -- I must tell you,
I've got this fantastic job

in PR for a record company. Really
good people,

lots more money as well.

-- Another great job.

-- I get a company car at the
end of the week

and I can choose the colour!
--That's nice for you.

-- My opposite in marketing is
really nice.

In fact, the whole
company is really nice.

Nicky, my boss, says I may be an
associate by the end of the month.

-- Yeah, I don't give a toss about your
bloody job.

-- I've been abroad a lot -

there is talk of going to New York
this month.

Which is gonna be fantastic.
Much more money too.

-- You can shove it up your arse.

-- And do you know, I've bought the
most bijoux flat in Notting Hill.

Really good. Great view of the
market,

Portobello Road. Lovely place.

-- Well, I hope it burns down.

-- Do you remember Travis, my fiance?

He's got to be in HK at the end
of the month, which is a bit sad,

but we're gonna get married.

-- Travis is a wanker.

-- I'm just really happy at the moment

and everything's just going
swimmingly. -- Fuck off.

-- Anyway, nice to see you.
Great to hear all your news.

-- He's clever, but not brilliant.

-- He's terribly good to work for.
And that's why people like him.

-- Look, there's a spot.

-- Oh, lucky you. -- Yeah.

-- SHE SIGHS AND MOANS

ORGASMIC MOANING

MOANS INTENSIFY

DEEP SIGH

-- There. Not sticking out
too much, am I ?

-- No, no. No, you're fine.

-- Just copy me, all right?
OK. We're sisters, from Blackburn.

-- From Blackburn. -- We go to
football every Saturday afternoon.

-- Every Saturday afternoon.

-- We always have a pie at half-time.
--Pie at half-time.

-- And, erm, we're looking for
two blokes to g'out with.

-- Two blokes to g'out with.

-- We're really good fun,
aren't we, Kimberley?

(Go on, you gotta say something.)

-- I'm the quiet one.

-- Erm. Hello. I've actually got an
army of naval officers

that live in my hair.

Which is quite embarrassing when
they pipe people

on and off the boat.

It's often at very
inappropriate times,

like a drinks party, or the cinema.

And you suddenly hear...
--SHE WHISTLES

-- And you have to go...

People just think you're a lunatic.

Erm, if that's a problem with you,
let's just leave it, shall we?

Just can't seem to get a man.

-- Hi, I am Mariella.
I have nothing out of the ordinary.

I am quite normal.

I have normal breasts, I have
a normal mouth, legs and teeth.

I have normal interests,
skiing and batting.

I have normal breasts, quite normal.

KNOCK AT DOOR

-- Anyone call maintenance? -- Yeah, I
did. -- Oh, right.

Heating playing up again, is it?

-- Yeah. It's bloody freezing.
I can't seem to get warm.

-- Let's see what we can
do about that, then.

Hmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.

There. Warmer? -- Yeah, thanks a lot.

-- You're welcome. Any more
problems, just give us a call.

-- So, I just wanted a check-up,
because I'm going abroad.

-- Right. General check-up,
ears, nose, throat. Anything else?

-- Erm... Check my blood pressure.

-- Yeah. Good. OK.

Let's just get started.

Stethoscope?

-- Just there. -- Gotcha.

Just gonna be popping it...

Ah, popping it onto
your, um, er...chest.

Just breath in.

No. Just breathe less.

That's super. Good. Er, right.

Could you just hold this?
Thank you.

Great. Good. On the couch, please.

Fine. Pop onto the couch. Thank you.

I'm going to be touching your tummy.

Um. Touch your tummy.

-- OW! Christ!

Should I just take my jeans off?

-- No! Don't do that!
Don't, don't. Just get off.

Have you felt any little lumps
in your breasts lately?

-- No. Unless me boyfriend's
bollocks count, no.

Funny joke, innit?

-- Anything at all?

-- No, if you want to just check
that everything's OK.

-- That's fine.

Good. All good. All in order.

-- SQUEAKY: -- You've got a fibroid. -- Sorry?

-- You've got a nasty fibroid.
--What does that mean?

-- Just a small operation. A scrape.

It'll evacuate it very quickly.
--Oh, right. Will you do that now?

-- No, not now! Not now. No.

Thank you.

-- I like to think of myself as
unconventional, easy-going, relaxed,

happy just to see how things go.

I do have a sort of dream -

whirlwind romance, proposal in
Paris, summer wedding. This summer.

Couple of kids, three maybe.
Two boys, two girls.

So do give us a call.
Absolutely no pressure, or anything.

-- So what did the doctor say ?

-- Well, I thought it was whiplash
from the car, the brakes screeching.

Well, he said that...

-- SHE SOBS
Oh, you poor thing.

-- I don't know if I can cope with it.
--Yes, you can. Yes, you can. Come on.

-- He just said that my eardrums have
exploded and I'm completely deaf.

-- You're joking. -- No, I'm not.

-- It's temporary, is it?
Or reversible?

-- There's nothing they can do.
It's permanent.

-- PHONE RINGS
--Will you get that? -- Yeah.

Hello? Oh, hi. Yes, she is.
I'll just hand her over.

It's your mum.

-- Hi, Mum. Yeah, I did.
I went to the doctor.

No, deaf.

Completely deaf. Just, sort of,
living in a world of aural silence.

No, it means I'm deaf.

Don't shout at me.
It wasn't my fault.

God. Can I talk to you later?
Right. Bye.

God, she's unbelievable.

-- Deaf? -- Mmm.

-- # Big smash, big crash

# Has love got to be this way?

# It's true, love is

# A crash on the motorway

# Away, away, away, away!

# It's a big crash,
big love, big love crash

# Love is a big crash

# It's a big crash
Love is such a drag

# I'm fighting with my airbag

-- # Airbag!

-- # It's big, really big

# It's a crash, it's a crash thing

# I've lost my head
in your love truck

-- # Love truck, love truck,
love truck, love truck... #

-- Johnny !

-- # It's a big crash,
big crash through a fence

# Here comes an ambulance

# It goes nee-naw, nee-naw,
nee-naw-nee

# That's a doctor event, you see

# I'm a crash-bang trollop! #

DISTORTED: Hello, AA? I've had
a crash. Could you come, please?

It's a big crash
and it's quite serious.

-- # My head is in the roof rack,
poking out!

-- # It's a big crash,
big crash, on every road

# Love is a big crash

# It's a big crash
Bonnet goes through the roof

# Love is a big crash

# It's a big crash,
big crash in the dark

# Baby, I'm ready, ready, ready

# Baby I'm ready to...

# ..paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-
aaaaaaaaaaaaarrk. #

MELLOW DANCE MUSIC

Subtitles by Ericsson