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1
00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:27,280
You should go
and talk to someone.
2
00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:31,360
Are you sleeping?
3
00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:36,880
There's like,
uh, like a service.
4
00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:40,240
It's free.
You might as well.
5
00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:48,000
Connell?
6
00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:51,240
Would you like to come with me?
7
00:00:56,880 --> 00:01:01,360
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,
8
00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:05,160
five, four, three, two, one.
9
00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:07,920
Happy New Year!
10
00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:27,920
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year.
11
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:31,280
Happy New Year, you.
12
00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:43,440
Who is it?
13
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:45,920
Uh, it's just
an old school friend.
14
00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:50,400
You okay?
15
00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:56,920
Uh, yeah. It's just
a Happy New Year thing.
16
00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:59,000
Happy New Year!
17
00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:05,760
What do you mean?
18
00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:07,600
Are you on your own?
19
00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:10,440
No, I'm with Helen.
What do you mean, a body?
20
00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:12,400
Whose body, what?
21
00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:14,560
Rob Hegarty, sweetheart.
22
00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:17,360
They pulled a body out of
the river this morning.
23
00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:37,880
Okay, why don't we talk about
how you're feeling.
24
00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:44,280
Uh, yeah, not great.
25
00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:49,160
I'm sorry to hear that.
26
00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:53,960
When did you
start feeling this way?
27
00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:57,040
Uh...
28
00:02:57,120 --> 00:02:58,840
a couple of months ago.
29
00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:01,160
January, I suppose.
30
00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:03,080
Okay.
31
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:07,400
Did something happen then,
or did it just
32
00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:09,240
come out of nowhere,
do you feel?
33
00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:13,240
A friend of mine killed himself
in January.
34
00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:17,320
A friend from school.
35
00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:23,200
I'm very sorry
to hear that, Connell.
36
00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:26,000
We, we hadn't really kept up
with each other after college.
37
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:27,200
'Cause he was, uh...
38
00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:29,560
He was just back in Sligo
39
00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:31,360
and I was up here
and everything, and, um...
40
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:37,920
I guess I just feel guilty that
I wasn't in touch with him more.
41
00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:41,280
I can understand that.
42
00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:43,280
But however you might be
feeling about your friend,
43
00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:45,360
what happened to him
is not your fault.
44
00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:50,600
You are not responsible
for the decisions he made.
45
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:53,520
I never even replied to
the last message he sent me.
46
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:59,080
When you lose
someone to suicide,
47
00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:01,960
it can be natural to wonder if
there's any more you could have done
48
00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:03,560
in order to help this person.
49
00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:07,600
I'm sure everyone
in your friend's life
50
00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:09,720
is asking themselves
the same questions now.
51
00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,640
Yeah, but at least other people
tried to help him.
52
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,480
He'd, uh,
been drinking a fair bit.
53
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:27,680
He seemed a bit, um...
you know, out of sorts, I guess.
54
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:30,560
Right.
55
00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:32,320
Never wanted
to go home, you know?
56
00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:35,160
He always wanted one more.
57
00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:39,560
Got into a few scraps.
58
00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:43,440
Nothing serious, just...
thought it was a laugh.
59
00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:46,080
I tried talking to him, but...
60
00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:10,120
You look handsome.
61
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:36,320
Ready, sweetheart?
62
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:53,720
Marianne.
63
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:34,080
Thank you.
64
00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:39,960
- I'm so sorry.
- Thanks for the colors.
65
00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:41,360
You look great.
66
00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:43,960
Thank you.
67
00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:46,040
I'm so sorry.
68
00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:48,240
Thanks, love.
Thanks for coming.
69
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:58,760
Connell.
Good man, good man.
70
00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:00,840
I hear you're doing great
things above in Trinity.
71
00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:03,840
-So sorry.
-Good man.
72
00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:07,200
Thanks for coming.
73
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:11,160
Thank you.
74
00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:42,080
How are things?
75
00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:45,120
-Who's this?
-Uh...
76
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:48,280
Helen.
Uh, this is Eric.
77
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,360
-Girlfriend, is it?
-Yeah.
78
00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:55,160
Must be your fault this fella
never comes home anymore.
79
00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:56,600
No, it's not her fault.
It's my fault.
80
00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:00,560
I'm just messing.
81
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,840
Good of Marianne to come.
82
00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:10,520
I thought she was off
in Sweden or someplace.
83
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:13,840
Yeah, she was.
She's back for the funeral.
84
00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:16,320
She's gone very thin,
hasn't she?
85
00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:20,160
Here's herself.
86
00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:22,240
Very good to have come all
the way from Sweden, Marianne.
87
00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:24,040
It's nice to see you.
88
00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:32,400
Do you know Helen here?
89
00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:34,680
Course I do.
We were in college together.
90
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:36,920
Hello, Helen.
91
00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:40,360
It's all friendly, I hope.
92
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:43,000
No rivalry, I mean.
93
00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:44,600
Behave yourself now.
94
00:08:56,680 --> 00:08:59,080
Why didn't you introduce me
to any of your friends?
95
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:03,960
I introduced you
to Eric, didn't I?
96
00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:06,080
Only after he asked.
97
00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:08,720
To be honest, you didn't seem
like you really wanted him to meet me.
98
00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:17,320
If you didn't want me to come,
you shouldn't have asked me.
99
00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:21,560
Okay, I'm sorry
I asked you, then.
100
00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:25,160
What does that mean?
101
00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:27,080
-You're sorry I was there?
-No.
102
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:28,640
I'm saying if you got
the wrong impression
103
00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:31,040
of what it was gonna be like,
then I'm sorry.
104
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,360
You didn't
want me there at all, did you?
105
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,680
I didn't want to be there
myself, to be honest.
106
00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:40,800
Look, I'm sorry
you didn't have a good time.
107
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:42,040
But like, it was a funeral.
108
00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:43,760
Don't really know
what you expected.
109
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,880
Well, you weren't
ignoring Marianne.
110
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:55,680
I wasn't ignoring anyone.
111
00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:57,880
But you just seemed
particularly happy to see her.
112
00:09:57,960 --> 00:09:59,720
-For fuck's sake, Helen.
-What?
113
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,120
Why does every argument
have to come back to this?
114
00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:06,640
Our friend just killed himself,
and now, you want to start
115
00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:08,760
going at me about
Marianne. Like, seriously?
116
00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:13,440
And yeah.
117
00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:15,760
I was happy to see her.
Does that make me a monster?
118
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,960
I've been very sympathetic
about Rob and you know that.
119
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:23,600
But what do you expect me to do?
Just pretend I don't notice
120
00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:25,440
you're staring at another
woman in front of me.
121
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:28,440
No, I was not staring at her.
You were, in the church.
122
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:30,080
It wasn't intentional.
123
00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:37,520
Why do you have to act
so weird around her?
124
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:41,280
How I act with her is
my normal personality.
125
00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:45,440
I'm... maybe I'm
just a weird person.
126
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:16,400
Most of you will, I hope,
127
00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:18,240
have picked up
on the fact that...
128
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:32,800
This dismantling of the family
trope is fairly radical.
129
00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:36,280
The constitution itself quite
literally defined the Irish...
130
00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:22,680
Like I want
to be there for you
131
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:25,320
but you just
won't let me.
132
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,640
I have tried.
133
00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:33,480
And I feel like I'm holding on
to other, like,
134
00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:37,960
frankly legitimate worries
or whatever
135
00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:39,800
that existed before all this.
136
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:45,400
Before you felt like this.
137
00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:47,760
And I can't sit on them
'cause you're feeling so low.
138
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:49,240
That's just not fair.
139
00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:53,240
I really care about you.
140
00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:56,120
I hate seeing you like this.
141
00:12:57,920 --> 00:13:00,080
But I don't think
this is working anymore.
142
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:06,080
I don't know if this was all the
way working before, and now...
143
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:11,320
all this is just like...
144
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:14,120
...exacerbated it, and...
145
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,240
Okay.
146
00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:22,720
I'm sorry.
147
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:28,640
I'm sorry too.
148
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:40,120
Do you have
friends here in Dublin?
149
00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:43,120
Anyone you're close with
150
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:45,320
that you might talk to
about how you're feeling.
151
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,200
Um...
152
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:54,320
Niall, maybe.
153
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,520
He's the one
who told me about this.
154
00:13:58,080 --> 00:13:59,280
Well, that's good.
155
00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:02,280
He's looking out for you.
156
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:05,400
Niall.
157
00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:07,360
Okay.
158
00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:12,200
I have another friend that
I'm pretty close with but, um...
159
00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:14,680
she's on Erasmus this year.
160
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:22,280
I'm sorry.
That sounds awful.
161
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:26,120
-I liked Helen.
-Hmm.
162
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:29,720
I did.
I genuinely did.
163
00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:33,640
I know she wasn't entirely
fond of me, but...
164
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:36,000
it's hard to ignore
that she made you happy.
165
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:37,480
I, I don't know.
166
00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:39,960
I don't feel anything.
167
00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:43,240
Then I...
168
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:47,600
I find myself crying
or having a panic attack
169
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:50,240
so presumably, I do feel it.
Just, uh...
170
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:53,440
It just doesn't connect.
171
00:14:57,280 --> 00:14:58,640
I understand.
172
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:02,520
I know you do.
173
00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:08,200
I'm really tired.
174
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:11,600
You want to sleep?
175
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:15,080
We can keep Skype on.
176
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:19,560
Carry me over
to your bed.
177
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,320
Is she a friend from college?
178
00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:16,840
We were in school together.
179
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:20,520
But, uh, she's in Trinity
as well. It's Marianne.
180
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:26,160
She knew Rob,
our friend who died.
181
00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:28,040
But, um...
182
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:30,240
she's away this year,
like I said.
183
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,080
You're awake.
184
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,080
Morning.
185
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,880
Is she someone you might talk
with about how you're feeling?
186
00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:20,600
She's been supportive about it.
187
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:23,560
And she's, um...
188
00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:29,560
She's hard to describe,
if you don't know her.
189
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:30,880
She's, um...
190
00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:33,880
she's really smart.
191
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:36,920
She's a lot smarter than me.
192
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:43,240
We, we see the world
in a similar way. And, uh...
193
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:47,720
we've lived our life
in the same place.
194
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,120
So obviously, it's, um...
195
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:53,920
It's a bit different
being away from her.
196
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,040
-It sounds difficult.
-Mm-hmm.
197
00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:05,800
I don't really click
with a lot of people.
198
00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:08,000
I, I struggle with that,
actually.
199
00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:13,920
Do you think that's
a new problem?
200
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:17,520
Or is it familiar to you?
201
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:19,600
Mm.
202
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:23,360
It's, uh, familiar.
203
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:25,560
I would say, um...
204
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:31,440
in school,
I definitely felt that
205
00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:33,960
feeling of isolation
or whatever. But, um...
206
00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:41,400
People seem to like me.
Everything, and...
207
00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:46,600
here, I don't think that, uh...
208
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,560
people like me that much.
209
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,600
Uh, like Rob,
my friend who, uh...
210
00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:04,160
um, I wouldn't say
that we clicked
211
00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:07,360
on a very deep level
or anything.
212
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:11,040
But, um, we were friends.
213
00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:14,680
And, uh...
214
00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:16,320
I wouldn't say that
we had a lot in common
215
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:18,560
in terms of interests
or anything like that.
216
00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:21,800
Definitely not politically,
217
00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:24,560
if we ever really
examined that. But, um...
218
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:31,440
That stuff didn't
really matter in school.
219
00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:35,160
'Cause we were,
we were in the same
220
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:36,640
group of friends,
so, you know?
221
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:38,680
I understand that.
222
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:46,040
And, uh, he... he did
some stuff that I, uh...
223
00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:49,120
I wouldn't have been a fan of,
in terms of, like with girls.
224
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:50,360
But, uh...
225
00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:57,440
We were 18, you know.
We just, uh...
226
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:01,720
we acted like idiots, and, uh...
227
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:06,320
I think...
228
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:09,520
I felt a bit alienated
with that stuff.
229
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:13,040
And, uh...
230
00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:19,840
I think
I think I thought if I...
231
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:22,320
moved here...
232
00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:25,200
I'd fit in better.
233
00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:28,120
I thought, um...
234
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:34,360
I'd meet more likeminded people
but that just hasn't...
235
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:36,520
um...
236
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:53,200
I left Carricklea thinking
I could have a different life.
237
00:20:57,920 --> 00:21:02,160
But I...
I hate it here and...
238
00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:05,560
I can never go back.
239
00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:11,000
Because those friendships
are gone, and...
240
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:19,240
and Rob is gone and I,
I can't see him again.
241
00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:24,920
I can't get that life back.
242
00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:28,680
I'm sorry.
243
00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:30,640
You don't need to apologize.
244
00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:32,640
She sounds nice.
245
00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:36,280
-Yeah.
-Sounds good.
246
00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:39,160
Yeah.
247
00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:41,640
Well done, Niall.
248
00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:46,720
How do you feel now?
249
00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:50,840
Uh, okay.
250
00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:52,200
Just, um...
251
00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:56,120
Flat, I guess.
252
00:22:57,200 --> 00:22:58,200
Mm.
253
00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:00,520
What?
254
00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:05,840
Do you ever feel...
255
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:08,160
I don't know.
256
00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:10,360
Angry?
257
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:13,480
Uh, about?
258
00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:16,280
About Rob.
259
00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:19,280
After the funeral,
did you feel angry?
260
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:22,800
-With him?
-No.
261
00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:25,360
No, geez, no.
262
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:29,040
I know that's... that
people feel that when someone...
263
00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:34,160
I couldn't get off Facebook.
264
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:39,360
Everyone kept
commenting on his wall.
265
00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:41,440
-Yeah.
-Like, it made me furious.
266
00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:44,480
Like, what do they mean?
267
00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:48,120
All these people, like
advertising their loss like that.
268
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:52,560
And who's it for?
Not Rob, obviously.
269
00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:54,000
And, like, what's
the etiquette there?
270
00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:56,480
Should I be liking every
comment on his wall?
271
00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:59,000
Well, it sounds like you've
worked through that anger.
272
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:01,360
No.
273
00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:06,240
Of course, people can
grieve how they want.
274
00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:10,520
-Sorry.
-I get it.
275
00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:13,800
It feels a bit pointless.
276
00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:16,000
Yeah, I think that's it.
277
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:21,040
And everyone
kept talking about...
278
00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:24,440
what a great person he was.
279
00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:29,200
How full of life, what a
devoted son, and I get it.
280
00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:32,360
But what, was that him?
281
00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:36,880
No.
282
00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:41,080
He was insecure.
283
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:44,920
Obsessed with being liked.
284
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:49,480
I mean, I know I can talk.
But...
285
00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:57,320
I miss you.
286
00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:02,560
I miss you, too, Connell.
287
00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:29,000
♪ I am just a man ♪
288
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:33,160
♪ Tipping on the wire ♪
289
00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:38,800
♪ Tight rope
walking fool ♪
290
00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:42,040
♪ Balanced on desire ♪
291
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:46,240
♪ I cannot control ♪
292
00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:51,640
♪ These ever
changing ways ♪
293
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:56,000
♪ So how can I be sure ♪
294
00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:59,160
♪ The feeling
will remain ♪
295
00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:05,440
♪ It'll always change ♪
296
00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:08,240
♪ But everything I am ♪
20637
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