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1
00:00:07,685 --> 00:00:09,763
Lot of money in the pot, Dave.
2
00:00:09,872 --> 00:00:11,442
You thought you could come over here
3
00:00:11,467 --> 00:00:13,089
and play cards with the big dog?
4
00:00:13,774 --> 00:00:15,834
Well, you about to get bit.
5
00:00:15,859 --> 00:00:17,083
[BARKS]
6
00:00:17,797 --> 00:00:19,363
[CHUCKLES]
7
00:00:19,388 --> 00:00:21,224
Go ahead, take your best shot.
8
00:00:21,249 --> 00:00:22,676
Do you have any nines?
9
00:00:22,701 --> 00:00:25,918
Go fish. Ha, ha!
10
00:00:27,339 --> 00:00:28,688
[CHUCKLES]: Ooh.
11
00:00:28,770 --> 00:00:31,668
Will you look at that? I hooked a nine.
12
00:00:32,055 --> 00:00:33,418
Booyah!
13
00:00:34,859 --> 00:00:36,671
Uh-oh, big dog, you got smoked
14
00:00:36,696 --> 00:00:38,786
by a dude who says "booyah."
15
00:00:39,890 --> 00:00:41,588
Hey, guys. Whatcha doing?
16
00:00:41,627 --> 00:00:44,413
Oh, hey, Hon. I just beat
Calvin and Malcolm in Go Fish.
17
00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:46,193
[GASPS] Booyah!
18
00:00:47,138 --> 00:00:48,896
Malcolm, I'm glad you're here.
19
00:00:48,921 --> 00:00:50,966
How do you feel about blind dates?
20
00:00:50,991 --> 00:00:53,052
Oh, to be honest, Gemma,
I'm not really into bl...
21
00:00:53,077 --> 00:00:54,502
Great!
22
00:00:54,996 --> 00:00:57,589
Because there's this wonderful
new English teacher at school,
23
00:00:57,614 --> 00:01:00,922
Sofia, and I think you two
have a lot in common.
24
00:01:01,029 --> 00:01:04,252
Oh, so she also lives at home
and takes the bus to work?
25
00:01:04,575 --> 00:01:06,185
[CHUCKLES]
26
00:01:06,308 --> 00:01:08,138
Thank you, Gemma, but I don't think so.
27
00:01:08,163 --> 00:01:10,502
My last blind date turned
out to have three children.
28
00:01:10,722 --> 00:01:12,002
Well, you like kids.
29
00:01:12,027 --> 00:01:14,107
Yeah, but she brought
all of them to dinner.
30
00:01:15,108 --> 00:01:17,123
And one of them was older than me.
31
00:01:18,452 --> 00:01:20,880
I promise you, you have
nothing to worry about.
32
00:01:20,928 --> 00:01:22,885
I'm kind of known for
my matchmaking skills.
33
00:01:22,910 --> 00:01:25,060
I have a perfect track record.
34
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,521
Well...
35
00:01:28,283 --> 00:01:29,927
What about the Parkers?
36
00:01:29,952 --> 00:01:32,595
Oh, so he has a secret family
in Winnipeg and that's on me?
37
00:01:33,566 --> 00:01:34,782
Anyway,
38
00:01:34,807 --> 00:01:38,470
back in Kalamazoo, they called me Dr.
Wedding Bells.
39
00:01:38,718 --> 00:01:40,509
Hey, look, I appreciate it, Gemma,
40
00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:42,181
but I'm not that desperate yet.
41
00:01:42,392 --> 00:01:43,907
You're not?
42
00:01:45,174 --> 00:01:47,993
You're playing Go Fish
with two married men.
43
00:01:48,374 --> 00:01:51,345
And last night I caught you
slow-dancing with a mop.
44
00:01:52,382 --> 00:01:53,688
He'll take it.
45
00:01:53,989 --> 00:01:56,274
Okay, fine. I guess we
can go for a drink.
46
00:01:56,299 --> 00:01:58,415
- [GASPS]
- Here you go, man.
47
00:01:58,557 --> 00:01:59,907
Whoa, what's this, Pop?
48
00:01:59,932 --> 00:02:03,102
Uh, just some extra cash in
case she brings her kids.
49
00:02:04,054 --> 00:02:06,321
♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
50
00:02:06,346 --> 00:02:07,617
♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪
51
00:02:07,642 --> 00:02:11,805
- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy -
- www.addic7ed.com -
52
00:02:12,516 --> 00:02:15,234
Calvin, I just heard that
Terrence Walker died.
53
00:02:15,259 --> 00:02:16,524
Can you believe that?
54
00:02:16,549 --> 00:02:19,509
Absolutely. The man was on his last leg.
55
00:02:19,697 --> 00:02:21,710
He lost the first one in Korea.
56
00:02:23,557 --> 00:02:25,341
Well, apparently, he
didn't leave a will,
57
00:02:25,366 --> 00:02:28,281
and now his whole family is
fighting over his estate.
58
00:02:28,517 --> 00:02:30,031
What estate?
59
00:02:30,056 --> 00:02:33,538
He had an '81 Buick and a
closet full of left shoes.
60
00:02:38,938 --> 00:02:40,520
I don't know, Calvin.
61
00:02:40,573 --> 00:02:42,380
We're not as young as we used to be.
62
00:02:42,405 --> 00:02:44,638
Maybe we should be thinking
about making our will.
63
00:02:44,751 --> 00:02:48,122
Oh, no. Baby, we're not old
enough to need a will.
64
00:02:48,237 --> 00:02:50,200
I just got carded last week.
65
00:02:50,555 --> 00:02:52,035
That's because the waiter
66
00:02:52,060 --> 00:02:54,169
was trying to give you
a senior discount.
67
00:02:54,194 --> 00:02:56,567
Which I did not qualify for.
68
00:02:58,122 --> 00:03:00,262
Calvin, God forbid you died.
69
00:03:00,287 --> 00:03:02,372
I mean, the last thing you
would want is for the boys
70
00:03:02,397 --> 00:03:04,216
to have to fight over your stuff.
71
00:03:04,502 --> 00:03:08,036
I'm dead and you're
worried about the boys?
72
00:03:09,737 --> 00:03:11,153
Wow, Tina.
73
00:03:12,490 --> 00:03:13,535
Wow.
74
00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:20,989
Hey, brother,
75
00:03:21,014 --> 00:03:23,438
I am meeting a blind date for a drink.
76
00:03:23,463 --> 00:03:25,204
And I really don't want to be here.
77
00:03:25,264 --> 00:03:27,136
So can you call my cell
in, like, half an hour?
78
00:03:27,161 --> 00:03:30,434
Say no more. Grandma's in the
hospital or fire at home?
79
00:03:30,459 --> 00:03:32,959
[CHUCKLES] Let's not take chances.
80
00:03:32,984 --> 00:03:36,263
Grandma's in the hospital
because of the fire at home.
81
00:03:36,977 --> 00:03:38,473
Here's my number.
82
00:03:39,351 --> 00:03:40,872
Hi. Malcolm?
83
00:03:41,016 --> 00:03:42,559
Oh, damn.
84
00:03:42,985 --> 00:03:44,421
Sofia?
85
00:03:44,446 --> 00:03:46,630
[LAUGHS, CLEARS THROAT]
86
00:03:46,957 --> 00:03:49,817
Let me guess. You were
about to have a sick aunt?
87
00:03:50,051 --> 00:03:52,098
What? [LAUGHS]
88
00:03:53,317 --> 00:03:54,481
How did you know?
89
00:03:54,506 --> 00:03:56,566
- [PHONE RINGING]
- Because I'm getting
90
00:03:56,591 --> 00:03:58,567
a call from my sick aunt.
91
00:04:00,135 --> 00:04:01,583
Never mind, he's cute.
92
00:04:01,608 --> 00:04:03,833
[CHUCKLES]
93
00:04:05,216 --> 00:04:06,668
Hey, wait.
94
00:04:07,121 --> 00:04:09,123
We only need a table for
the two of us, right?
95
00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:10,934
Yeah. Why?
96
00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:12,591
I'm just checking.
97
00:04:16,794 --> 00:04:19,927
Hey, babe. Whatcha doing?
98
00:04:20,102 --> 00:04:21,583
Just getting some fresh air.
99
00:04:21,608 --> 00:04:22,958
It's a beautiful night.
100
00:04:23,037 --> 00:04:24,466
- The stars are out.
- Yeah...
101
00:04:24,491 --> 00:04:25,638
You're waiting for Malcolm.
102
00:04:25,663 --> 00:04:27,263
Where the hell is he?!
103
00:04:28,169 --> 00:04:29,488
Well, if they're not home yet,
104
00:04:29,513 --> 00:04:31,083
the date must have gone well, right?
105
00:04:31,108 --> 00:04:34,458
Not just well. Sofia texted
me and said it went great.
106
00:04:34,652 --> 00:04:36,598
Looks like Dr. Wedding Bells
107
00:04:36,623 --> 00:04:38,419
hasn't lost a patient yet.
108
00:04:39,034 --> 00:04:40,427
Well...
109
00:04:41,261 --> 00:04:43,130
I don't know if the Cahills would agree.
110
00:04:43,155 --> 00:04:45,082
Again, not my fault.
111
00:04:45,107 --> 00:04:47,661
If he didn't know he was
gay, how was I supposed to?
112
00:04:48,924 --> 00:04:50,622
- Hey, guys.
- Enough with the chitchat.
113
00:04:50,647 --> 00:04:52,257
- Tell me everything.
- [CHUCKLES]
114
00:04:52,282 --> 00:04:54,075
Look, there's not much to tell.
115
00:04:54,346 --> 00:04:55,763
It was okay.
116
00:04:56,031 --> 00:04:57,168
Wha...
117
00:04:57,193 --> 00:04:59,200
- Just okay?
- Oh.
118
00:04:59,693 --> 00:05:02,247
Time of death: 9:32.
119
00:05:03,576 --> 00:05:06,379
Wha... But Sofia said it went great.
What happened?
120
00:05:06,404 --> 00:05:08,014
All right, here's the truth.
121
00:05:08,039 --> 00:05:09,716
She has got this annoying laugh.
122
00:05:09,741 --> 00:05:11,739
A-And I mean, it's really annoying.
123
00:05:12,009 --> 00:05:13,200
How bad is it?
124
00:05:13,225 --> 00:05:15,020
People around us were
checking their phones
125
00:05:15,045 --> 00:05:16,864
to see if there was a Amber Alert.
126
00:05:18,544 --> 00:05:20,004
Look, I'm sorry, Gemma,
127
00:05:20,029 --> 00:05:21,988
but that's a deal breaker
for me, all right?
128
00:05:22,114 --> 00:05:23,606
Thank you for trying, though.
129
00:05:25,357 --> 00:05:26,856
GEMMA: I can't believe it.
130
00:05:26,881 --> 00:05:30,494
I-It's crazy for something like
that to be a deal breaker.
131
00:05:30,834 --> 00:05:34,052
Catching your husband in a
Jacuzzi with the mailman I get.
132
00:05:35,813 --> 00:05:37,903
But this? No.
133
00:05:38,182 --> 00:05:41,013
Well, look, Gemma, everyone
has their deal breakers.
134
00:05:41,250 --> 00:05:43,411
You know, when I was
single, I could never date
135
00:05:43,436 --> 00:05:44,833
someone who littered
136
00:05:44,858 --> 00:05:47,989
or had the same haircut as my mom.
137
00:05:49,186 --> 00:05:51,927
Or lived east of Highway 43.
138
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:54,591
It is bumpkin central over there.
139
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:58,075
Dave, I lived east of Highway 43.
140
00:05:58,382 --> 00:06:00,348
Oh, I know.
141
00:06:02,244 --> 00:06:04,544
But once I got to know you better,
142
00:06:04,671 --> 00:06:06,914
I discovered so many of your deal makers
143
00:06:06,939 --> 00:06:09,098
that I forgot about my one deal breaker.
144
00:06:09,126 --> 00:06:10,895
Aw.
145
00:06:11,356 --> 00:06:13,376
Plus, you were the only
girl I met from over there
146
00:06:13,401 --> 00:06:14,997
who wasn't in a fight club.
147
00:06:17,623 --> 00:06:19,120
Maybe if I can get Malcolm to see
148
00:06:19,145 --> 00:06:20,740
more of Sofia's good qualities,
149
00:06:20,765 --> 00:06:23,217
he'll get over his deal
breaker, just like you did.
150
00:06:23,370 --> 00:06:24,458
I guess.
151
00:06:24,483 --> 00:06:26,155
How long did it take you?
152
00:06:26,263 --> 00:06:28,287
Like, two or three dates?
153
00:06:29,163 --> 00:06:31,389
Yeah, let's go with that.
154
00:06:34,455 --> 00:06:36,631
- Oh, hey, Dad.
- Hey, hey.
155
00:06:36,818 --> 00:06:39,428
Oh, y'all watching YouTube videos again?
156
00:06:39,453 --> 00:06:42,178
Play the one where the monkey
steals the baby's ice cream.
157
00:06:42,983 --> 00:06:45,325
No, Calvin, I asked Marty to come over
158
00:06:45,350 --> 00:06:46,670
and help us do our wills.
159
00:06:46,695 --> 00:06:47,912
MARTY: Yeah, I found this website
160
00:06:47,937 --> 00:06:49,428
that does almost all the work for you.
161
00:06:49,453 --> 00:06:52,045
So basically, all you have to do is die.
162
00:06:52,206 --> 00:06:54,780
Boy, I survived black Michael Jackson,
163
00:06:54,805 --> 00:06:56,240
white Michael Jackson
164
00:06:56,265 --> 00:06:59,373
and "Damn, I ain't know he did
all that" Michael Jackson.
165
00:06:59,990 --> 00:07:01,569
I ain't going nowhere.
166
00:07:01,743 --> 00:07:03,936
Okay, fine. I'll do it without you.
167
00:07:04,022 --> 00:07:05,708
So leave his truck with Dave.
168
00:07:05,964 --> 00:07:07,756
Over my dead body.
169
00:07:09,025 --> 00:07:10,756
- Exactly.
- Exactly.
170
00:07:11,392 --> 00:07:12,567
Fine.
171
00:07:12,592 --> 00:07:14,022
Come on. Let's do this, then.
172
00:07:14,047 --> 00:07:15,520
- Let's-let's do it.
- Aw. [CHUCKLES]
173
00:07:15,545 --> 00:07:17,641
Thank you, baby. And I promise
you, when we're done,
174
00:07:17,666 --> 00:07:18,972
you can watch your monkey video.
175
00:07:18,997 --> 00:07:20,260
How does that sound?
176
00:07:21,465 --> 00:07:22,770
Good.
177
00:07:24,438 --> 00:07:25,990
Okay, let's get started.
178
00:07:26,015 --> 00:07:28,452
- Hmm.
- Uh, "Names, ages..."
179
00:07:28,477 --> 00:07:30,349
Oh, do you want to be
buried or cremated?
180
00:07:30,374 --> 00:07:31,459
- Buried.
- Buried.
181
00:07:31,484 --> 00:07:33,788
Okay, great. Uh, moving
on to the estate.
182
00:07:33,813 --> 00:07:35,545
"In the event that one of
you gets remarried..."
183
00:07:35,570 --> 00:07:38,092
Ha! Next question, man.
184
00:07:38,117 --> 00:07:40,498
- [CHUCKLES]
- Whoa. Hold on.
185
00:07:40,830 --> 00:07:42,396
Why is that funny?
186
00:07:42,525 --> 00:07:45,659
'Cause I would never be with
another woman after you.
187
00:07:47,182 --> 00:07:50,382
And you definitely couldn't
be with another man.
188
00:07:50,765 --> 00:07:52,507
[CHUCKLES]
189
00:07:52,532 --> 00:07:54,815
So, Calvin, if you up and die tomorrow,
190
00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:57,710
you would expect me to be
single for the rest of my life?
191
00:07:57,881 --> 00:07:59,317
Uh, yeah.
192
00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:02,407
Winnie Mandela did it.
193
00:08:02,507 --> 00:08:04,788
Coretta Scott King did it.
194
00:08:05,566 --> 00:08:07,804
Tina Butler can do it, too.
195
00:08:08,837 --> 00:08:10,695
Mandela, Dr. King.
196
00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,983
Why don't you just compare
yourself to Jesus?
197
00:08:13,111 --> 00:08:14,474
Well, fine. When I die,
198
00:08:14,499 --> 00:08:16,906
you got three days, and I'm coming back.
199
00:08:18,777 --> 00:08:20,561
Stop playing with me, Tina.
200
00:08:20,586 --> 00:08:23,492
I forbid you to remarry after I die.
201
00:08:23,789 --> 00:08:26,507
Well, if you keep it
up, you won't have to.
202
00:08:29,030 --> 00:08:31,203
Hey, who wants to watch a monkey video?
203
00:08:34,035 --> 00:08:35,421
So, you see, Grover,
204
00:08:35,446 --> 00:08:37,687
even though Charlotte dies in the end,
205
00:08:37,752 --> 00:08:39,984
the sacrifices she made
for Wilbur the pig
206
00:08:40,009 --> 00:08:42,171
show us what true friendship really is.
207
00:08:42,493 --> 00:08:44,906
All it did was make me want bacon.
208
00:08:46,284 --> 00:08:49,320
Remind me to never let
you read Old Yeller.
209
00:08:51,597 --> 00:08:53,077
Hey, Malcolm.
210
00:08:53,102 --> 00:08:54,921
Oh, hey, Dave. Uh, Gemma
asked me to come over
211
00:08:54,946 --> 00:08:56,882
and help Grover out
with his book report.
212
00:08:57,053 --> 00:08:59,335
Huh. That's usually my job.
213
00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:00,796
It was...
214
00:09:00,994 --> 00:09:03,304
until I got a C on the last one.
215
00:09:04,739 --> 00:09:06,001
[CHUCKLES]
216
00:09:06,026 --> 00:09:08,463
I don't care what Ms. Sweeney says.
217
00:09:08,658 --> 00:09:12,187
Charlie did nothing to deserve
that chocolate factory.
218
00:09:12,481 --> 00:09:14,700
[DOORBELL RINGS]
219
00:09:18,334 --> 00:09:19,727
Hi, I'm...
220
00:09:19,752 --> 00:09:21,480
- Sofia?
- Sofia?
221
00:09:21,505 --> 00:09:23,234
Sofia!
222
00:09:29,980 --> 00:09:32,906
So, Sofia, what languages
do you speak again?
223
00:09:33,248 --> 00:09:36,101
Well, English, Spanish, French...
224
00:09:36,126 --> 00:09:40,710
Ooh, French. As in fries,
toast and kissing.
225
00:09:41,832 --> 00:09:44,138
Gemma, you're embarrassing me.
226
00:09:44,163 --> 00:09:45,663
Sorry.
227
00:09:45,688 --> 00:09:47,687
She also graduated cum
laude from Berkeley.
228
00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:50,937
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, she mentioned that
229
00:09:50,962 --> 00:09:52,156
at the restaurant.
230
00:09:52,471 --> 00:09:54,560
You know who else went to Berkeley?
231
00:09:55,010 --> 00:09:57,570
Frank M. Business.
232
00:09:57,900 --> 00:10:00,984
The "M" stands for Mindyourown.
233
00:10:02,911 --> 00:10:04,101
Um,
234
00:10:04,126 --> 00:10:05,737
Gemma, uh, where's the bathroom?
235
00:10:05,828 --> 00:10:07,906
Oh, uh, through the door
next to the stairs.
236
00:10:08,107 --> 00:10:10,980
[CHUCKLING]
237
00:10:11,005 --> 00:10:12,311
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Really?
238
00:10:12,336 --> 00:10:13,874
I can't believe y'all did this.
239
00:10:14,049 --> 00:10:16,609
Hey, don't look at me. I had
nothing to do with this.
240
00:10:16,634 --> 00:10:19,663
I've been upstairs brushing
up on Charlotte's Web.
241
00:10:20,598 --> 00:10:22,257
Like a sucker.
242
00:10:22,282 --> 00:10:23,631
[SIGHS]
243
00:10:23,656 --> 00:10:25,578
It's true. This is all on me.
244
00:10:25,603 --> 00:10:28,249
I just wanted you to
give Sofia another shot.
245
00:10:28,309 --> 00:10:29,984
Once you spend some more time with her,
246
00:10:30,009 --> 00:10:31,843
you'll forget all about
her silly little laugh.
247
00:10:31,868 --> 00:10:33,296
Gemma, this is not cool. I told you
248
00:10:33,321 --> 00:10:35,843
I'm not interested in her or the
fact that she speaks French.
249
00:10:35,868 --> 00:10:38,851
Bon-Bonjour! [CHUCKLES]
250
00:10:39,065 --> 00:10:40,328
Oh!
251
00:10:40,353 --> 00:10:41,964
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
252
00:10:42,508 --> 00:10:43,742
Bonjour.
253
00:10:43,767 --> 00:10:48,710
[CACKLING]
254
00:10:51,906 --> 00:10:53,828
I'd take my mom's haircut
over that any day.
255
00:10:53,853 --> 00:10:55,648
Ooh.
256
00:10:57,746 --> 00:11:00,546
So, who gets the house... me or Malcolm?
257
00:11:00,571 --> 00:11:02,094
Whichever one of you promises
258
00:11:02,119 --> 00:11:04,804
not to let your new stepdaddy move in.
259
00:11:06,435 --> 00:11:08,140
Oh, come on, Calvin.
260
00:11:08,165 --> 00:11:10,428
You know, look, if I die tomorrow,
261
00:11:10,453 --> 00:11:13,179
I would want you to do what
you have to to be happy.
262
00:11:13,341 --> 00:11:14,359
Oh, really?
263
00:11:14,384 --> 00:11:17,687
So you'd be okay if I
married Monique Baker?
264
00:11:17,962 --> 00:11:20,070
That skank ho?!
265
00:11:20,870 --> 00:11:24,351
Don't you talk about Marty's
stepmother like that.
266
00:11:24,755 --> 00:11:25,881
Wait.
267
00:11:25,906 --> 00:11:27,093
Wait, who is Monique Baker?
268
00:11:27,118 --> 00:11:29,304
She's a skank ho, that's who!
269
00:11:30,508 --> 00:11:32,383
She used to sing in the choir
270
00:11:32,408 --> 00:11:34,390
with your mother, and
I ain't gonna lie...
271
00:11:34,590 --> 00:11:36,418
She was pretty easy on the eyes.
272
00:11:37,736 --> 00:11:39,242
What?
273
00:11:39,267 --> 00:11:41,310
You wouldn't want me to be
with somebody ugly now,
274
00:11:41,335 --> 00:11:45,218
would you? I mean, that would
be disrespecting your legacy.
275
00:11:46,531 --> 00:11:50,093
So you been cheating on me in
your mind all these years?
276
00:11:50,364 --> 00:11:52,718
Come on, Tina. You know my mind.
277
00:11:52,743 --> 00:11:54,507
You know I don't think.
278
00:11:55,638 --> 00:11:58,374
Well, you thought her
name up pretty quick.
279
00:11:58,399 --> 00:12:00,102
Yeah, it was pretty quick, Dad.
280
00:12:00,127 --> 00:12:01,519
You just lost the house.
281
00:12:01,544 --> 00:12:02,890
Damn it.
282
00:12:02,915 --> 00:12:05,429
And I'm not understanding
why you're so upset.
283
00:12:05,588 --> 00:12:08,257
'Cause I was ready to mourn
for the rest of my life,
284
00:12:08,282 --> 00:12:10,788
but no...
285
00:12:11,141 --> 00:12:13,593
you want us to be happy.
286
00:12:15,179 --> 00:12:17,353
Okay, fine. Maybe you're right.
287
00:12:17,378 --> 00:12:20,164
Maybe I shouldn't get
remarried when you're gone.
288
00:12:20,189 --> 00:12:21,930
See? Now, that's what I'm talking about.
289
00:12:21,987 --> 00:12:24,046
I mean, why tie myself down to one man
290
00:12:24,071 --> 00:12:25,781
when I can date a whole bunch of 'em?
291
00:12:25,806 --> 00:12:27,299
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
292
00:12:27,324 --> 00:12:28,695
W-What'd you just say?
293
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:30,744
Uh, maybe now's a good time
for me to get a snack.
294
00:12:30,769 --> 00:12:32,248
Or, you know, leave forever.
295
00:12:32,273 --> 00:12:34,117
- Oh.
- Yeah.
296
00:12:34,346 --> 00:12:35,869
You heard me.
297
00:12:35,894 --> 00:12:37,417
Maybe I should play the field,
298
00:12:37,442 --> 00:12:38,966
you know, even go back to Jamaica,
299
00:12:38,991 --> 00:12:41,101
get my groove back.
300
00:12:42,237 --> 00:12:43,492
Or maybe
301
00:12:43,517 --> 00:12:45,281
I should date a younger guy.
302
00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:47,937
I hear Monique's son is
really good-looking.
303
00:12:48,094 --> 00:12:51,093
You stay away from my future wife's son.
304
00:12:52,124 --> 00:12:54,257
Wait, uh, time-out.
305
00:12:54,282 --> 00:12:57,515
You do realize that means you
would be dating my stepbrother?
306
00:12:57,540 --> 00:12:59,679
Ooh, you are so smart.
307
00:12:59,777 --> 00:13:02,062
I wonder if you get it
from your late father.
308
00:13:02,087 --> 00:13:03,984
What's his name again?
309
00:13:05,334 --> 00:13:07,007
You know what, that's it.
310
00:13:07,032 --> 00:13:09,077
If I die, I'm coming back as a ghost.
311
00:13:09,112 --> 00:13:10,983
Let's see you keep a boyfriend
312
00:13:11,008 --> 00:13:13,421
when I'm poltergeisting his ass.
313
00:13:17,476 --> 00:13:19,249
Oh, and you know what else?
314
00:13:19,274 --> 00:13:22,451
Sofia was telling me about
how much she loves to read.
315
00:13:22,512 --> 00:13:24,037
Malcolm's a big reader, too.
316
00:13:24,071 --> 00:13:25,351
What are you reading these days?
317
00:13:25,376 --> 00:13:27,197
- Oh, all kinds of stuff.
- Mm.
318
00:13:27,222 --> 00:13:29,015
E-mails,
319
00:13:29,396 --> 00:13:31,812
text message... [CHUCKLES]
320
00:13:31,837 --> 00:13:33,038
takeout menus.
321
00:13:33,063 --> 00:13:36,632
[CACKLING]
322
00:13:37,721 --> 00:13:40,429
Guys, I think the cat
from the alley is back.
323
00:13:41,557 --> 00:13:43,428
And it sounds like she's having babies.
324
00:13:43,453 --> 00:13:46,081
[CHUCKLES] Uh, go back upstairs
325
00:13:46,106 --> 00:13:48,027
and finish your book report, Sweetie.
326
00:13:48,052 --> 00:13:50,228
Well, I guess I should be getting home.
327
00:13:50,253 --> 00:13:51,949
Well, but it's still early.
328
00:13:51,974 --> 00:13:53,955
Yeah, well, when you're a
security guard, you need
329
00:13:53,980 --> 00:13:55,096
a lot of rest.
330
00:13:55,121 --> 00:13:56,222
Otherwise you might fall
331
00:13:56,254 --> 00:13:57,777
for a sneak attack.
332
00:13:59,228 --> 00:14:00,699
Oh, okay.
333
00:14:00,724 --> 00:14:02,308
It was nice to see you.
334
00:14:02,333 --> 00:14:03,943
It was nice to see you, too.
335
00:14:04,314 --> 00:14:06,722
Malcolm, before you leave, can
I see you in the kitchen?
336
00:14:06,747 --> 00:14:08,488
I have an important...
337
00:14:08,513 --> 00:14:11,238
security guarding question.
338
00:14:15,052 --> 00:14:16,831
Sofia, uh... [CHUCKLES]
339
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,378
you're an English teacher.
340
00:14:18,641 --> 00:14:20,949
You tell me those Oompa
Loompas didn't deserve
341
00:14:20,974 --> 00:14:22,847
the chocolate factory.
342
00:14:23,674 --> 00:14:25,418
Malcolm, don't leave now.
343
00:14:25,443 --> 00:14:26,785
You're not giving her a chance.
344
00:14:26,810 --> 00:14:28,996
That's because I told
you I'm not interested.
345
00:14:29,231 --> 00:14:31,050
Just because of her laugh?
346
00:14:31,075 --> 00:14:33,480
Which, by the way, I
happen to think is cute.
347
00:14:33,505 --> 00:14:38,066
[SOFIA CACKLING]
348
00:14:41,236 --> 00:14:42,585
Okay, Grover's right.
349
00:14:42,610 --> 00:14:45,011
It's like a catfight in her throat.
350
00:14:46,997 --> 00:14:48,303
But...
351
00:14:48,328 --> 00:14:50,730
she's so great in every other way.
352
00:14:50,755 --> 00:14:52,746
She's just not for me, okay?
353
00:14:53,228 --> 00:14:55,394
Fine. I guess I'm just disappointed.
354
00:14:55,419 --> 00:14:57,292
I didn't think you were so superficial.
355
00:14:57,352 --> 00:15:00,094
No, look, Gemma, I'm not
superficial, all right?
356
00:15:00,754 --> 00:15:02,652
It's just... [EXHALES]
357
00:15:03,192 --> 00:15:04,933
It's just what?
358
00:15:05,488 --> 00:15:07,002
All right, you want the truth?
359
00:15:07,027 --> 00:15:08,910
The problem is not her laugh.
360
00:15:09,046 --> 00:15:11,628
- I actually like it.
- Really?
361
00:15:12,267 --> 00:15:14,558
I mean, really?
362
00:15:16,113 --> 00:15:17,910
Yes, okay? It's got character.
363
00:15:17,935 --> 00:15:19,886
She doesn't hold back, and...
364
00:15:19,911 --> 00:15:21,714
I think that's cool.
365
00:15:22,300 --> 00:15:24,222
Okay, so then what's the deal breaker?
366
00:15:24,247 --> 00:15:25,496
It's me.
367
00:15:26,106 --> 00:15:27,628
I'm the deal breaker.
368
00:15:28,108 --> 00:15:29,417
I-I got to go.
369
00:15:29,442 --> 00:15:31,113
[SCOFFS]
370
00:15:31,138 --> 00:15:32,863
Hey, it was really great to see you.
371
00:15:32,888 --> 00:15:34,667
Um, good night.
372
00:15:37,626 --> 00:15:38,801
[DOOR CLOSES]
373
00:15:39,881 --> 00:15:41,535
What just happened?
374
00:15:41,807 --> 00:15:43,777
[SPUTTERS] I don't know.
375
00:15:44,841 --> 00:15:47,660
It's definitely not
something to laugh about.
376
00:15:49,418 --> 00:15:52,339
Oh, yeah? Well, me and
my boy toy, Winston,
377
00:15:52,364 --> 00:15:54,527
we gonna lie on the beach in Jamaica
378
00:15:54,552 --> 00:15:57,378
and listen to reggae music all day.
379
00:15:57,648 --> 00:15:58,939
Yeah, well, that's all right.
380
00:15:58,964 --> 00:16:00,443
Because I'm gonna be on the couch
381
00:16:00,468 --> 00:16:01,996
while Monique feeds me
382
00:16:02,021 --> 00:16:04,839
the best macaroni and
cheese I've ever had.
383
00:16:05,371 --> 00:16:08,206
You said that I made the
best macaroni and cheese.
384
00:16:08,231 --> 00:16:09,290
You did.
385
00:16:09,315 --> 00:16:10,577
But you dead.
386
00:16:11,057 --> 00:16:12,238
Guys, please.
387
00:16:12,263 --> 00:16:14,074
No, no, no, no, no, no!
That-That's all right.
388
00:16:14,099 --> 00:16:15,620
'Cause I don't even cook anymore.
389
00:16:15,645 --> 00:16:18,039
Yeah, me and Winston...
We hired a private chef
390
00:16:18,064 --> 00:16:21,113
with the money that we got
from selling your shop!
391
00:16:21,203 --> 00:16:22,639
Marty, when I die,
392
00:16:22,664 --> 00:16:24,285
burn down my shop.
393
00:16:25,438 --> 00:16:27,745
Okay! Before I get arrested for arson
394
00:16:27,770 --> 00:16:31,456
and have to be bailed out
by my stepbrother/dad,
395
00:16:31,761 --> 00:16:33,832
can you both sit down and be quiet?
396
00:16:34,839 --> 00:16:36,049
Fine.
397
00:16:36,074 --> 00:16:38,035
I was gonna sit down anyway.
398
00:16:39,751 --> 00:16:42,167
I can't believe you guys
are arguing about this.
399
00:16:42,316 --> 00:16:44,231
Do you know how lucky you are?
400
00:16:44,532 --> 00:16:46,371
People my age can't find
somebody to be with
401
00:16:46,396 --> 00:16:48,136
for more than two weeks.
402
00:16:48,542 --> 00:16:50,275
If it weren't for you two, I...
403
00:16:50,367 --> 00:16:52,621
I wouldn't even believe in love anymore.
404
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:56,324
I mean, look at you.
405
00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:58,730
After 30 years, you're both still
so in love with each other
406
00:16:58,755 --> 00:17:01,394
that you're jealous of people
that don't even exist.
407
00:17:04,899 --> 00:17:06,988
Monique Baker exists.
408
00:17:07,156 --> 00:17:09,519
You know, I would've never
even brought her up
409
00:17:09,544 --> 00:17:12,831
if you weren't so ready to
move on and forget about me.
410
00:17:13,971 --> 00:17:16,285
I could never forget about you.
411
00:17:16,310 --> 00:17:17,977
Calvin, you're my soul mate.
412
00:17:18,002 --> 00:17:20,277
If I lost you, I would be devastated.
413
00:17:22,773 --> 00:17:24,808
How devastated?
414
00:17:26,058 --> 00:17:29,081
Calvin, why are we even
talking about this?
415
00:17:29,684 --> 00:17:32,277
I don't want to imagine
life without you.
416
00:17:32,861 --> 00:17:34,308
I know.
417
00:17:34,737 --> 00:17:36,621
I'd miss me, too.
418
00:17:37,225 --> 00:17:40,228
[CHUCKLES]
419
00:17:41,538 --> 00:17:43,558
Give me a kiss, you big old...
420
00:17:43,583 --> 00:17:45,816
sexy honey bear, you.
421
00:17:45,841 --> 00:17:47,863
- Come here. [CHUCKLING]
- [CHUCKLING]
422
00:17:47,888 --> 00:17:49,863
Okay, okay. If you guys are good,
423
00:17:49,888 --> 00:17:51,785
- let's get this over with.
- You know what, Marty,
424
00:17:51,810 --> 00:17:53,118
we're gonna have to
do this another time.
425
00:17:53,143 --> 00:17:55,941
Your mother and I have
some making up to do.
426
00:17:57,533 --> 00:18:00,535
Okay, that is it. Malcolm is
definitely inheriting the couch.
427
00:18:02,284 --> 00:18:03,550
Well, in that case,
428
00:18:03,575 --> 00:18:05,675
you ain't gonna want the truck either.
429
00:18:10,325 --> 00:18:11,804
Hey, Malcolm.
430
00:18:11,829 --> 00:18:13,816
I was just coming over
to see how you're doing.
431
00:18:13,841 --> 00:18:14,870
I'm fine.
432
00:18:14,895 --> 00:18:16,636
Just went for a little walk.
433
00:18:17,024 --> 00:18:19,316
So, how'd the rest of the
night with Sofia go?
434
00:18:19,544 --> 00:18:20,676
Kind of weird.
435
00:18:20,701 --> 00:18:22,191
Dave tried to keep her from laughing
436
00:18:22,216 --> 00:18:23,706
by talking about the opioid crisis
437
00:18:23,731 --> 00:18:25,402
and how all the bees are dying.
438
00:18:25,617 --> 00:18:28,228
[CHUCKLES]
439
00:18:28,428 --> 00:18:31,910
Hey, what did you mean when you
said you're the deal breaker?
440
00:18:32,091 --> 00:18:35,051
Look, Sofia is amazing.
441
00:18:35,094 --> 00:18:38,089
She's beautiful, she's sophisticated,
442
00:18:38,114 --> 00:18:39,519
she's successful.
443
00:18:39,544 --> 00:18:40,753
But look at me, Gemma.
444
00:18:40,778 --> 00:18:43,761
I'm still living at home,
trying to get my life together.
445
00:18:43,936 --> 00:18:46,261
That's not how anyone sees you.
446
00:18:46,286 --> 00:18:48,027
You're a great guy.
447
00:18:48,279 --> 00:18:51,136
Well, maybe, but what
do I have to offer her?
448
00:18:51,287 --> 00:18:54,681
Aside from watching Netflix
on my parents' couch
449
00:18:54,706 --> 00:18:57,417
while my pops rubs lotion on his feet.
450
00:18:59,567 --> 00:19:02,050
Yeah, he's done that on our couch, too.
451
00:19:04,296 --> 00:19:06,558
Look, the fact is,
452
00:19:06,721 --> 00:19:08,949
Sofia's out of my league right now.
453
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:11,011
Malcolm...
454
00:19:11,261 --> 00:19:14,307
where you are now in your
life is gonna change.
455
00:19:14,952 --> 00:19:16,347
What's not gonna change
456
00:19:16,372 --> 00:19:18,152
is who you are.
457
00:19:18,926 --> 00:19:21,277
And Sofia likes who you are.
458
00:19:22,267 --> 00:19:24,520
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
- She said that?
459
00:19:24,545 --> 00:19:27,058
Why don't you read the text yourself?
460
00:19:30,404 --> 00:19:31,753
Oh.
461
00:19:31,807 --> 00:19:33,769
Well, she talks a lot about my butt.
462
00:19:33,794 --> 00:19:35,800
[CHUCKLES]
463
00:19:36,057 --> 00:19:38,527
Kind of makes me feel
like a piece of meat.
464
00:19:39,594 --> 00:19:41,285
- I like that.
- [CHUCKLES]
465
00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:42,933
[CHUCKLES]
466
00:19:43,216 --> 00:19:45,175
Look, Sofia's a total catch,
467
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,159
and you shouldn't let her get away.
468
00:19:47,649 --> 00:19:50,683
And I would tell her the
exact same thing about you.
469
00:19:52,073 --> 00:19:53,613
Thank you, Gemma.
470
00:19:53,700 --> 00:19:55,050
I'm gonna go give her a call.
471
00:19:55,075 --> 00:19:57,251
- [GASPS]
- [CHUCKLES]
472
00:19:57,704 --> 00:20:01,574
Just like that, Dr. Wedding
Bells saves another patient.
473
00:20:02,607 --> 00:20:04,447
CALVIN: Shut the damn door!
474
00:20:08,138 --> 00:20:10,096
Was he putting lotion on his feet?
475
00:20:10,121 --> 00:20:11,855
Yeah, let's just go with that.
476
00:20:17,142 --> 00:20:19,449
So, before you married
Tina and were dating,
477
00:20:19,616 --> 00:20:21,128
did you have any deal breakers?
478
00:20:21,153 --> 00:20:22,964
I only had two rules, Dave.
479
00:20:23,118 --> 00:20:26,121
Pretty feet and a big ole butt.
480
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,246
Well, what about with friends...
481
00:20:29,271 --> 00:20:30,464
Any rules there?
482
00:20:30,489 --> 00:20:31,581
A bunch.
483
00:20:31,606 --> 00:20:33,259
No one from Michigan,
484
00:20:33,389 --> 00:20:34,825
no optimists
485
00:20:35,041 --> 00:20:37,863
and definitely no one named Dave.
486
00:20:38,714 --> 00:20:40,025
Well, you know,
487
00:20:40,050 --> 00:20:42,425
I happen to have a few rules of my own.
488
00:20:42,773 --> 00:20:44,839
All right. Let's hear 'em.
489
00:20:44,864 --> 00:20:46,261
They have to be grumpy,
490
00:20:46,380 --> 00:20:47,991
they have to know everything
491
00:20:48,016 --> 00:20:51,449
and they definitely have
to be able to fix a car.
492
00:20:53,057 --> 00:20:55,073
Dave, if those are your rules,
493
00:20:55,281 --> 00:20:57,268
that would mean we
would be best friends.
494
00:20:57,293 --> 00:20:58,816
You said it, not me.
495
00:20:58,841 --> 00:21:00,464
Booyah!
496
00:21:04,295 --> 00:21:09,652
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