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* It’s a Saturday night
My girl’s actin’ real shitty *

* Due to the fact
I just left Campbell City *

* Straight lace Zeniths
and vogues all on point *

* On my way to the Town
to get a doja joint *

* Pushed it to the seven
to get some dank *

* Hit the liquor store
to cold get drank *

* Now I got my doja
Sippin’ on Nitro *

* Peace, playboy
I’m on my way to the sideshow *

* Down Bancroft, to the light *

* Let me warm it up
I hit a donut tight *

* There’s a Chevy on my side
Windows straight tinted *

* I think he got hype
when he saw me spin it *

* I’m up outta there
Sideways to the next life *

* Vogues kinda smokin’
but Zeniths still tight *

* I’m at the sideshow
Parlayin’ and playin’ *

* Music on hit
Head straight swayin’ *

Are you going to try
to save your lawn?

Is there something
I can help you with, Patel?

You just can’t get it green,
can you?

It looks fine. I’m just trying
to help it out, that’s all.

Not like mine.

Mine looks a little better,
don’t you think?

Hmm.

You know, I was on
the internet last night.

Do you ever go on the internet?

Why would you ask
such a stupid question?

Anyways, I was on the internet,

and I decided, just for fun,
to search my name.

When I did, all these little
websites popped up.

Patel, Patel, Patel.
Patel this, Patel that.

And then I decided
to put in your name.

Nothing.

I mean just... nothing.

"Zero results found," it says.

It was almost as if
you didn’t exist.

Very interesting to me.

Just fascinating.

Absolutely incredible.

[TV playing]

Ah...

Oh!

TV: Fu

All right. Here you are.
Salisbury steak.

Dinner is served.

- Is it the proper temperature?
- Always.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up, hold up, hold up.

We gotta make a new rule
about sitting on the couch

with just that shit on.

- It ain’t right.
- I’m sorry.

What shit
are you referring to?

That shit.

Oh, my bad, your highness.

Is there anything
I can get you

before I sit on my own couch
in my own house?

Look at this. Watch this.

Yeah, oh, yeah.
Yeah, this feels right to me.

This is real good to me.
Yeah.

Don’t forget that you’re
living underneath my roof, all
right?

I mean, you can’t even get
the goddamn lawn green!

It’s just common courtesy.

Excuse me.

Did you follow
the instructions?

Yeah, yeah, of course I did.

Oh, really? Because
the potatoes aren’t fluffy,

the corn is hard,
and this steak is cold.

I followed the instructions
exactly on the back of the box.

Oh, really? Did you cut a slit
over the potatoes?

Did you stir the potatoes?
Did you rotate it 90 degrees?

You can’t rotate it 90 degrees,

You guys have a spinny plate
in the microwave.

It rotates by itself.

Vertically.

Wait, what?

You rotate it vertically,
dumb ass.

Hmm. How do you
rotate something vertically?

Like this.

Uh... bup bup bup.

Now I gotta pour it out,
idiot, okay?

All I ask is that you
cook a Salisbury steak

to perfection every night.

Look, if you don’t want me to
make it, then I won’t anymore.

You won’t? You have to.

Because you signed the lease.

I don’t remember it
being in the lease.

I thought I was just doing it
out of courtesy.

Oh, did you read the lease?

Of course I did.
What difference does it make?

It’s an act of kindness.

Had you have read
the lease agreement,

you’d realize that not cooking
these meals to perfection

is a violation of the lease.

Ah, there it is: 532-B.

532-B.

"Salisbury steak will be cooked
to perfection every night

by said tenant."

- Hell yeah.
- That’s you.

Oh, also

complaining about the way
the people in this house,

i.e. me,

look, dress,

decide to wear clothing,

is a violation
of said lease.

Here it is. He said it,
and I have it right here

because it’s in section 422-C.

- 422-C.
- That’s right. It says...

"Nothing should be said
that are shitty about the...

clothing that is worn by the
people who live in the home,

that is under
said authority--

It’s not very well-worded,
but it’s airtight.

It gets to the fuckin’ point.

Listen, why don’t I just
make you something else then?

Oh, no, no, no!
Put down.

Put down the Salisbury steak
because you can’t make shit.

You tried before.
Failure at everything.

No! I recall one time
I made you macaroni and cheese,

and you actually liked it.

Oh, is that what that was?

That was mac and cheese?

I thought I was eating
a baby jellyfish

because it tasted
like shit, okay?

You didn’t have the proper
ratio of butter to milk, first
of all.

Secondly, you couldn’t
splurge a nickel

to get the name-brand kind.

So no, thank you, sir,
if that’s what’s on the table.

Then why don’t I make you
ramen noodles?

- Oh, my!
- Are we royalty now?

You’re gonna make us ramen?

Hello! I’ll have some ramen
and some tea.

Why don’t I bite into this
brick of noodles, man? It sucks.

You suck, man.

Fuck it then. Why don’t you
make your own meals?

- Attitude.
- Whoa.

Oh, brother,
we’ve got some attitude, huh?

There’s gotta be something
about attitude in the lease.

Let’s check it.

Oh, there it is.

A great big section marked
"attitude."

It looks like
it might result in...

expulsion from the premises.

He means eviction.

Fine! God! I’ll make
your damn Salisbury steak

to your specifications,

and I won’t say a damn thing
about your... attire.

- Thank you.
- Was that so hard, huh?

Because obedience is
the ingredients for success.

Okay?

[doorbell rings]

If I--
I just have to...

Yeah, yeah, you go.
You go ahead.

You go get the door.

My man Jerome.
Good to see you, brother.

What’s this urgent situation
you need to talk to me about?

- Come in. We need to talk.
- All right.

We need to talk?
About what?

Not here.

I wanna take this all the way
through to the the committee.

- It’s that important. -
the hell ’s going on here

’Sup, Kevin?

The committee?
You mean you wanna--

Yeah, I do.

You wanna take it
all the way to the NAACP.

It’s that serious.

Very well then.
Very well.

To the boardroom.

- [cro
-[ham

Order! Order!

We hereby bring
this meeting to order.

I need everybody to pipe down.
Let’s keep it down.

Let’s keep it down
in the back there, folks.

I just wanna make sure that the
entire black community of Utah

is in attendance.

Is this really necessary?

- [chatter continues]
-It helps to set the ambien

- [click]
- [chatter stops]

Just say "here."

Here.

Here.

And the president of
the Salt Lake City NAACP, me,

is also here.

Without further ado,

one of our members approached me
on this fine evening

and told me of a dire situation
of which he’d like to discuss.

- Furthermore--
- Jesus Criminy!

Can we just get on with it?

And what’s the latest
on the pothole?

Watch it, Bono. This is the
president you’re speaking to.

Don’t forget that.
The president!

So, board member Jerome,

would you please
present your dilemma

to the distinguished members
of the NAACP?

And I haven’t heard about that
pothole yet. Proceed, Jerome.

Okay, so I was leaving
the theater yesterday and--

What theater?

The one we’ve done some
plays at, the Midvale Theater.

Okay, go on.

I was leaving the theater
yesterday--

Why were you
at the theater yesterday?

Will you let me finish
the story?

I’m the president. I can
chime in whenever I want to!

It doesn’t matter why
I was there! The point is

as I was walking
out of the front doors,

I saw the most beautiful thing
I’d ever seen.

- A woman.
- Goddamn motherfucker.

You dragged the entire black
community down to a meeting

because you saw a woman?

You must be
out of your damn mind.

Yeah, you’re wasting
our time, Jerome.

A black woman.

Did you just say
what I think you did?

Here? In Utah?
A black woman?

There hasn’t been a black woman
in Utah for years.

What does she look like?
Is she beautiful?

My ticket out.

- What does that mean?
- Nothing.

- Is she single?
- I’m not sure,

but she moved here by herself,
so I assume she is.

And she’s got cousins who are
thinking about coming out here.

I’ll head down there and see if
she’d like to join me for tea.

Hold on, Lucky Charms!
Sit yo’ ass down!

You gonna run in there
and fuck it up for everybody.

We got to think
this thing through.

What exactly
are we thinking through?

If we’re talking about
dating her, and I think we are,

who gets to date her
is the question.

- Obviously me.
- Why obviously you?

I was the first one to suggest
taking her out for a cup of tea.

- So what?
- So I should date her.

Get the fuck outta here!
I told you about her.

I’m the only one in the room
who’s actually even seen her.

If anyone should date her,
it should be me.

We don’t even know
who she likes yet.

How can we figure out
who she’s gonna date

if we don’t even know
who she likes?

I think we should
develop a plan.

We can’t just go down there
and just start asking her out.

Exactly. See?
That’s what I’m talking about.

Where’s this girl from?

I think she’s from Iowa. Why?

I’m just trying to gauge
her black level.

Iowa’s a swing state.

She may or may not have
grown up around black folks.

The only way
we can know for sure

is if we go down and have
a face-to-face and find out.

But like you said,
the worst thing we can do

is panic and run down there
half-cocked.

We’ll go down there,
assess the situation.

If it looks good,
we proceed.

I say we all go right now.

Not everyone.
No, no, no, no.

We don’t wanna make her
uncomfortable, all right?

It might be like
a black overload or something.

Lord knows how long
she’s been here.

We gotta ease her
into the blackness.

Jerome’s right. We don’t wanna
go mobbing up in there

like a pack of Crips.

She may never been
around that many black folks

in one place at one time.

So only the African-Americans
go at this point

just to survey the situation.

- I agree.
- Oh, no, you don’t.

I’ve got just as good a chance
as either of you

to get this girl.

I’m not gonna let you
strong-arm me

out of a chance at
the lass of my dreams.

The lass? The lass?

Look, I’m doing you
a huge favor, Phil.

Look at you, looking like
Abbott and Costello upstairs.

You might start talking about
leprechauns or some shit.

I cannot chance you
fucking this up.

Now, she has cousins
or maybe even sisters.

If we get ’em out here,
we can all benefit.

This is a win-win situation.
You just gotta lay back

and let me and Jerome
do all the leg work.

What Kevin is trying to say
is that it’s more likely

that she’s gonna go for
the African-American bros.

No offense.
Just keeping it real.

Thank you. Couldn’t have
said it better myself.

How do you know? How do you know
she’s not attracted

to foreign men with accents?

Jamaican maybe,

French maybe,
African probably,

but Irish?

Even white people
don’t like the Irish accent.

You got to be the first brother
I’ve met from Ireland.

Are there even any more
brothers out there?

Heh heh.

’Twas one other.

He hailed from Dublin

and was in a small band
by the name of Thin Lizzy,

the greatest rock band
of all time.

’Twas the lead singer,
Phil Lynnot.

He was black as
the ace of spades, I tell ya.

Well. kinda.
Maybe not quite as dark,

but next to the white Irish,
he was.

"The Boys are Back in Town"
was their big hit.

I was named after him.

I still remember the sweet aroma
of Guinness, Jameson whiskey,

and four-leaf clovers

as they dance in the air
of downtown Dublin

as "The Boys are Back in Town"
came bubbling through

the speakers of every car
that passed.

Then the darkest day
of all came.

’Twas a crisp, cold
January morn in 1986.

I was shuffling down the road

when a young girl ran up
and yelled,

"Thin Lizzy’s dead!

Thin Lizzy’s dead!"

The dark reality
began to sink in.

Phil Lynott had overdosed,

and I was the last black man
in Dublin.

’Twas good news and bad.

’Twas good because
someday I could be

the black fantasy
of every Irish housewife.

’Twas bad because those
fantasies never materialized.

Oh, how the tears
began to flow from my eyes.

I raced home,
heart pounding, eyes aglow.

- I ran to the front door and--
- All right, motherfucker!

You can come.

You ain’t gotta tell us
your life story and shit.

Damn, Jerome, you didn’t
mention how good she looks.

- Let’s go talk to her.
- About what?

- About dating.
- Yeah, but why are we here?

We have to have a reason
as to why we’re here.

What if she asks?
What are we gonna say?

"We came down here
to stalk you

and see which one
you wanna date?"

What were you here for
earlier, Jerome?

I was talking to Tammy Ross
about doing Othell

There’s our in.
If she asks,

we’ll say we’re here to talk
to Tammy about being in the
play.

- We should buy something.
- Why?

If we’re following up
with Tammy,

then why talk to her
at the concession stand?

- He’s got a point.
- No, he doesn’t.

We’re just being friendly,
introducing ourselves.

- Still doesn’t make sense.
- I’m the president.

The final command is
we ain’t buying shit.

And I’m the vice president,
and I advise we buy something.

I’m the secretary of state,

and technically,
it’s a tactical decision,

which is my jurisdiction.
Therefore--

The president says no!

Come on, y’all.
Let’s just go over there.

Well, hello, Leah.

I’m Kevin, and these are
my friends Phil and Jerome.

Hi. Nice to meet you guys.
Are you guys here to see

Joseph and the Amazing
Technicolor Dreamcoatmatine

Of course not. We’re actually
here to follow up with Tammy

about being in
an upcoming play,

We’re actors.
Well, they’re actors.

I’m a model.
Part time, at least.

But mainly I’m the
distinguished president of the--

Can we get two
of your finest candy bars,

a small popcorn
and a diet soda, please?

Sure. I don’t think
Tammy’s here today.

I haven’t seen her all day.

She said that she was
gonna take the day off

so she can spend time
with her daughter.

Yeah. We just realized that.

Sucks to come all this way,
you know.

Are we any closer
on those snacks?

Sure. I’ll get that for you.

What did I say?
No snacks.

You can’t override
the president.

Oh, my gosh.

Are you guys black people?

Not to be rude.
I’m just really curious.

This is gonna go
before the committee.

Blatant, flagrant, outrageous,
egregious abuse of--

All right! Here you are.

Let me grab
those candy bars for you.

All right.
That’ll be 27.50.

Such a bargain.
Is that all?

Here’s your snacks, Phil.

Pleasure’s all yours.

I insist.

When you insist, you pay.

Not in Ireland. Please!
The pleasure’s all yours.

I believe it’s
an international custom to--

Here! I’ll pay.
I insist.

Thanks.

- Jerome, right?
- Yeah.

You have a cute smile,
Jerome.

Yeah, he does have a cute smile,
doesn’t he?

Where you from, Leah?

From Iowa.

Hmm. Any black folks
out there in Iowa?

Of course.
More than there are out here.

I’m from Des Moines.

Sorry. Are you guys
almost done?

I’d love to get a picture
with you guys, if that’s okay.

We should get going.

What’s the rush?
What’s the rush?

So you got any family
out here? Married?

No, I don’t have
any family out here,

and I’m single.

I actually came out here
to go to school.

My cousins are thinking about
moving out here though.

They’re kinda
getting tired of Iowa,

so I told them
how beautiful it was out here.

Are these cousins women?

Yes. Why do you ask, Kevin?

- You’re so quiet, Jerome.
- Well, it was nice meeting you.

We usually like to give
new people a tour of the city.

I think Jerome would jump at
the chance of giving you a tour,

wouldn’t you, Jerome?

- Sounds like fun.
- How stupid of me.

I’d like to take you on a tour

if you’d like me
to take you on a tour.

You can call me. I’ll call you,
or I can email you.

Why don’t you just ask her
for her number, Jerome?

Wouldn’t that be easier?

That’d be great,
if you don’t mind.

She’d only mind if the person
she was giving it to

was acting like a total freak
while he was asking.

I don’t mind.
You seem like a wonderful guy.

I’d love to spend
some time with you.

Okay. Great.

So maybe I’ll call you soon.

Maybe I’ll call you sometime.

Why don’t you
just take the number?

Thank you.

I’ll program this into my phone
as soon as I get home.

Picture? Picture, guys?

Very quickly.
We’re on a tight schedule.

This is the best day ever.

What the fuck was that shit?

You were like Chester
the Molester up in that.

Ain’t you ever hit
on a female before?

If you’re our only hope,
we are in trouble.

That’s all I can say:
We are in trouble.

I can’t talk to women
like you can, all right?

I get nervous. It’s like
I know what I want to say,

but as soon as I see them,
I get scared.

Or I get scared
that they’re judging me

or laughing at me inwardly.

In that situation,
they probably are.

You got everything going
for yourself.

You dress nice,
you’re nice-looking,

you got a nice car,

you kinda got your own place.

You got everything going for
yourself, except for maybe...

Look, gotta stop thinking
about what you don’t have

when you go up to a woman

and start thinking
about what you do have

and turn it around on them

and make them think about
what they ain’t got.

That’s easy for you to say.
Look at you. You’re a model.

Women go crazy for you
all the time.

Well, yeah,
but that’s not the point.

Even I have problems.

I haven’t had a modeling gig
in four months.

But that’s my only problem.

A sagging economy
that sees no need to hire

a much-needed black model.

A black model who can
shine and stand out

like no white model can,

who can ignite the urban flare
of the city with brilliance.

A black model who can step up
and shine and just glow--

Oh, my God, Kevin, please!

But I do need your help
if I’m gonna date her.

You’re right.
And dating black women

is much more different
than dating white women.

What do you mean?

None of us have really
dated a black woman before,

especially one who’s grown up
around black people.

And what was that about her
being your ticket out?

She may be my ticket out of that
godforsaken living situation.

It was supposed
to be temporary,

and I’ve been there for
two years. Two years!

And I can’t live with you
in that studio apartment, can I?

That’s for sure.

Here’s what you can do.
Start dating her.

She’ll like it out here.
She’ll tell her cousins.

When her cousins move out here,
I can date one of them.

She’ll fall in love with me,

I’ll move in with her
and live happily ever after.

So essentially you’re looking
for a woman to use.

Not use. Not use!

Utilize.
There’s a huge difference.

There’s gotta be someone
who holds down a steady job

while I pursue the passion
of my life: modeling.

Why should I work
some shitty day job

when someone else could
work it and enjoy it

while having a loving, caring,
committed relationship with me.

All right.

- Can I say something?
- What?

I noticed you’ve been
scratching your balls

a little bit more excessively
than usual.

Are you serious?

Yeah. I’ve noticed you’ve been
scratching your balls

quite a bit lately.

Why do we have
talk about this now?

Why’d you have to pull over
and talk about it?

And you’ve been noticing that
I’ve been scratching my balls

more frequently?

Have you monitoring
my ball-scratching habits?

Hey, I’m am not
the enemy, homie.

Have you been checked
for crabs?

I don’t have crabs.

You have to have sex
with someone to have crabs.

This is just
a different kind of itch.

- Like jock itch?
- No, it’s not like jock itch.

Jock itch is
more encompassing.

This is more centralized
to the ball area.

Let’s change the subject.

- Lemme ask you a question.
- Okay.

- Do you condition your balls?
- Do I condition my balls?

Do you condition your balls?
It’s a simple question.

Condition them for what?

No, no.
When you shampoo your balls,

do you condition them after?

You do shampoo your balls,
right?

Phil, you shampoo
your balls, right?

Every day.
Sometimes twice a day.

I don’t feel comfortable
talking about this with you two.

Think, Jerome.
Do you condition your balls?

I don’t know!
I don’t know.

Yes, I condition my balls.

Is it a leave-in conditioner?

No, I just switched
to a two-in-one.

But you used a leave-in
conditioner before?

Oh, my God.
This is crazy.

Yes, I used a leave-in
conditioner before.

Therein lies the problem.

How is that my problem?

Your balls are dry, Jerome.

You used a leave-in
conditioner before,

then you switched
to a two-in-one.

You starved them
of their nutrients.

- Killing them.
- Here’s what you need to do.

Get yourself a high-end shampoo
and a leave-in conditioner.

Use the shampoo,

then take the conditioner,
slather it all over your balls.

Slather that shit.

Slather it all over
your balls.

Leave it in
no less than 17 1/2 minutes.

When you’re done,
rinse and repeat once.

Just once.

Rinse your balls.

Pat your balls down.

Get yourself
some intensive lotion.

Intensive lotion.

Slather that lotion
all over your balls as well.

Wait for it to soak in,

wait for those nutrients
to gather,

and then you’re done.

Ball itch gone.
Problem solved.

Are you done?

I’m looking out for you,
Jerome.

What are you gonna do if you
go out on a date with Leah

and start rampantly
scratching your balls

throughout the evening?

Pocket pool ain’t gonna cut it.

Sooner or later you’ll have
to get in and rumble around.

And if you do, lights out
for Leah and her cousins.

Man, why don’t you
just date her?

Why is this all of a sudden
all on me?

Oh, come on. You saw how
she was acting around you.

We gotta start thinking about
our best options right now,

and that option is you.

So you’re saying
I should just date her

and everything will work out?

Oh, hell no.
We gotta make a plan, brother.

Just like we planned
to go down to the theater,

we gotta plan
this date out together.

To the boardroom.

Nails? That’s the best thing
we can come up with, nails?

Black men.

That’s a good one.

I was just about
to suggest that.

We’ve all been around
black women at some point.

What kind of places
do they like to eat?

What kind of dates
do they like to go on?

I think you’re making it
more complicated than it is.

She’s a woman.
They all like the same things.

Cram it, shamrocks!
I just thought of something.

We’re not gonna get anywhere
with this shit.

Maybe the best bet right now
is that we bring in an expert,

someone who has experience
with this type of thing.

A dating expert?

An expert at dating black women.

I might know where
we can find someone.

Who is this, Phil?

Scott Schwartz.
He’s a family friend of mine.

And?

You don’t recognize him?

No, I don’t.

He was in a movie.
A Christmas Story.

Once again, and?

He was in another movie
with Jamie Gleason.

- Jackie Gleason.
- Jackie! Jackie Gleason.

But here’s the kicker.

Richard Pryor
was in that film as well.

Who’s Richard Pryor?

Who’s Richard Pryor?
The godfather--

You don’t know?

You guys need more help
than I thought.

So what if he worked
with Richard Pryor?

How is this gonna help us?

He could give us
insight into the black mind.

He was like six.

I was 13.

Phil, we need
some actual ideas.

Helpful ideas.

Check out my new book.

This is gonna
help your game immensely,

bring it up many, many levels.

I’m curious.

What insight into the black mind
did Richard Pryor give you?

Uh, well, he was really funny.

And, um...

And he used that comb with
the three pronged-- the pick.

We’re getting nowhere.

Actually, um,
I had another experience

with another black guy and--

Too $hort. You know
Too $hort, the rapper guy?

"Yo, bee-yotch!"
That guy.

I’m out in the yard
all by myself,

in there, in the school.

They just left
my ass out there.

They turn all the lights off,
and I’m like, "What’s up?"

And the guy said,
"Keep going, keep going."

And she’s in the car,
and he’s laughing.

And I’m out there all by myself
just flailing away.

They turned the lights off,
the cameras off.

Everybody left the room.

And I’m like,
"You guys are shittin’ me."

So you were
sitting next to him?

Not actually next to him.
I was at the same table.

She’s shaking it, so I say,
"Come on, get on stage with me."

And she starts really,
really working it,

like bouncing that ass
like I’ve never seen before.

Some bounce out in the middle
of Bible belt shit.

And I fucking, I’m saying,
I had to stop my show and say,

"Where the fuck did you
learn to do this shit?"

You know what she says?
From her mama.

So you were at the table
with Too $hort?

Uh, uh, yeah, sort of.

I mean, I was kind of
a few feet away.

So what happened?

I’m telling you,
that’s Too $hort over there.

So what? He’s probably here
on business. Leave him alone.

Oh, yeah, business,
with the two ’hos over there.

Look. Watch.

Yo, bee-yotch!

What?

Yo, bee-yotch?

What the fuck
did you just say?

Who the fuck is this clown?

Shit!

Hey, kick his bitch ass, man.

Yo, yo...

And where might be the point
where this helps us?

Well, should you ever
run into Too $hort,

absolutely, positively
don’t walk up to him and go,

"Yo, bee-yotch!"

That’ll help you out.

Scott, don’t take this
the wrong way,

but will you kindly get the fuck
out of my boardroom?

Kevin, show some manners.

But yeah, Scott, if you could
just get the hell out.

If you want me to read
your silly book, I will.

Just leave it on the table.
I’ll take a look at it.

And tell your mum
to call my mum.

No problem. You got it.

You know what?

- I think I might know someone.
- Who?

My cousin Tony used to
talk about this guy

who was really good
at dating black sisters.

Had a really
interesting name too.

What was his name?

Pepper Palmer.

Pepper Palmer?

I like the sound of that
already. Where does he live?

I think they said
he was from Cleveland,

but now he lives
in Vegas now.

Oh, yeah. Cleveland?

You got to get him out here
as soon as possible.

You can tell him we can pay
a flat fee for his services.

- I’ll call Tony tonight.
- Nice.

So I meet this girl at
a bar for gentlemen, right?

Right.

And I walk up to her,
and I says,

"Hey, how about you
go to dinner with me?"

Of course she would.

And yeah, she said, "Sure."

So hey, Jerome?

I’m gonna need you to
pepper that tonight, all right?

Yeah, why can’t you do it?

Because I’m in the middle
of a story,

and I need to keep track
of where I am.

How many shakes and where?

That’s a great question.

What do you say
for the potatoes, Tom?

Three peppers.

All right. Three peppers
on the potatoes,

two on the corn
and five on the steak.

No, no, no, man.
5 1/2 at least.

All right..
5 1/2 on the steak.

- Gotcha.
- All right.

So we’re in my car, and we’re
heading to this restaurant.

Before we even get out--
Excuse me! What are you doing?

I’m salting the dish.

You said three and
then 5 1/2 on the-- Right?

No, no, no. You have to salt it
after I taste it, all right?

You just don’t
go salting shit. Jeez!

Okay.

All right, two more salts
on the potatoes,

three on the corn,
and 2 1/2 on the steak.

What are you,
the fuckin’ Rain Man?

- Hey!
- Whoa!

Don’t get all highfalutin.

I would’ve done it myself,

but somebody was 4 minutes
and 37 seconds late

with my dinner.

All right, so we’re in the car
outside the restaurant,

then I leaned over to her,
and I said,

"What size boobs you got?"

- Nice.
- All right?

And you would’ve thought
I farted or something

because it just got
really weird,

and I don’t know
what happened and--

Dude, did I do
something wrong?

Hell no. You gotta get those
dimensions going into it.

You gotta know what you’re
working with, right?

That’s exactly
what I was thinking.

So we’re in the restaurant,

and she starts to order
appetizers, main course,

dessert and soda.

Good lord.
What, is she pregnant?

You gotta be shitting me.

She was just sitting there
eating my money.

Just devouring it
right in front of me.

I hate her already.

I don’t even know who she is,
and I fuckin’ hate her.

Anyway, afterwards she’s just
blabbing on and on

about all of her dreams
and everything.

And after she’s
just eaten my $100,

and so I get straight
to the point, and I say,

"Look, are you gonna give me
oral sex or what?"

Nice, dude.
And what’d she say?

Nothing. She just started
to get out.

- God.
- She got right out of there.

I said, "Hey, hold on!
I can do a hand job!"

- Yeah, right. Nothing?
- She left.

Fuck you! It’s a hard life.
Let’s have a couple blow jobs.

Wait, you asked a woman that you
went out with on a first date

for a blow job?

Uh, yeah.

And don’t even try to tell me
you wouldn’t love

to have a blow job
on a first date.

Of course I would, especially
if I paid for that shit,

but I wouldn’t ask for it.

What the fuck
are you talking about?

You’re crazy, Jerome.

You’re crazy, man.

You double cray.

Jeez!

[doorbell rings]

Showtime!

- Hey.
- Hey, what’s up, man?

Is he here yet?

Yeah, they just pulled in
right behind me, I think.

We should sit in
with Rob and Tom

so we don’t look like a bunch
of clowns waiting for him.

No, I’m not sitting in
with them.

Wait, they?
What do you mean, they?

And why don’t you want
to sit in with them?

He brought some kind
of sidekick with him.

I’m not sitting with those two

because they remind me of
someone back in high school.

- What’s up?
- Hey.

Sidekick?
We already paid Pepper.

We don’t want to pay
another sidekick.

And who do they remind you of
that you used to know?

Tom reminds me of this coach
I used to have back high school.

He ran detention after school
with his mistress

and his mean-ass
fuckin’ brother.

[coughs]

Hey!

No talking! Reading.

- That’s what you’re doing.
- I wasn’t talking.

That was just a cough.

Are you back-sassing me, son?

I wasn’t back-sassing you.

I was just telling you
I was coughing.

Are you testing my authority?

I’m not testing
your authority at all.

I was just reading a book
and coughed.

You’re still back-sassing me.

Billy, come bring
the problem paddle.

You can’t use those anymore.
It’s like 1996.

Put out your hand.

- I ain ’t gonna put out my
hand. - Put out your hand!

- Ow! Jesus!
- Hit him again!

- Oww! - Don’t let him c
himself!

Jesus!

Aaahhh!

That’s why
I don’t like those guys.

That and all that ass matter
that’s on that couch.

Oh, shit, here they come.

Yo, yo, yo!
What’s up? What’s up?

Hey, what’s up, big money?

- It’s good.
- What’s going on, brother?

How you doing, man?
You chill? I’m chill.

What’s up? What’s up?
What’s up, homeboy?

There is way too much black guy
shit going on in here.

So why don’t you
and Kool & The Gang

take it downstairs?

So, man, why don’t...

I’m so glad y’all could take
the time to come help us out.

I hear you have a good track
record with dating black women.

[laughter]

Oh, he ain’t Pepper Palmer.

I’m Pepper Palmer.

And my friends call me PP.

Y’all don’t call me PP.

This is my assistant

Ricky Pablo Escobar
Iglesias Martin.

I just call his big ass
Ray Ray.

You’re Pepper Palmer?

Jerome, I thought you said
he was black.

I didn’t say he was black.

I said he was good at
dating black sisters.

But you do have some black
in you, don’t you?

I got a little bit
on my mama’s side.

One drop in there somewhere.
One drop law.

Looks like he’s from
Puerto Rico.

He doesn’t look Puerto Rican
at all.

I think so.
Or maybe Peru?

Man, y’all acquire my services
based upon my looks

or based upon the quality
of my results?

Lookee here.

The Pepper Palmer way.

Now, you only need to know
one thing.

If you’re tired of
getting salt every day,

go the Pepper way.

Yeah, I like that shit.
Someone write that shit down.

I got you, boss.
Pencil or ballpoint?

Oh, ballpoint.
That shit for sho!

Matter of fact, everything
from here on out is ballpoint.

Ballpoint is final.

And final is
the Pepper Palmer way.

You only have
to do something once

and do it correctly,
and you will succeed.

There’s only three things you
need to know from here on out.

So if you gotta axe me
any questions,

do that shit later

’cause I ain’t finna go back
and repeat myself.

What do you mean by
"axe" and "finna?"

You mean like
take an axe to someone?

And finna.
What is finna?

That sounds like--
Is that American?

It sounds like a drink.
[laughs]

Don’t be wasting
Pepper Palmer’s time!

It is my most valuable resource,
as I assume it is one of yours.

Rule #1:
Don’t cross Pepper Palmer.

Rule #2:

Don’t cross Pepper Palmer.

Rule #3:

Don’t never let me catch yo ass
crossing Pepper Palmer.

Rule #4:
Don’t fuck with my car.

I think I’d like a refund now.

- Just hear him out, Kevin.
- Look, this is bullshit.

- Excuse me?
- This is bullshit.

You come into my boardroom,
you have my friend slapped,

you start ordering us around

like some fucking
drill sergeant.

This is bullshit, man.

Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.

What is it you guys
are trying to get here?

You are trying to obtain
a black woman.

Black woman!

Not talk to one.

Not have intimate
carnal knowledge for a fee.

I’m talking a long term,
mutual relationship

with a black woman.

Now, y’all better know what
you’re getting yourself into,

’cause if you don’t,
I’ll tell you right now

y’all in for some
serious trouble.

Now, has anybody else in this
entire room

outside of me and Ray Ray

ever even dated a black woman?

Hmm? Hmm?

Yeah. That’s what I thought.

Now pardon me, Kevin,

but you did acquire my services,
did you not?

Yeah, thinking that it wasn’t
gonna be anything like this.

If you never paid for something
you ain’t never paid for,

expect to see some shit
you ain’t never seen.

Because we got off
on such a sour note,

let me emphasize
some of the more positive points

that your purchase has
enabled you to possibly acquire.

I don’t necessarily focus
on one race of woman.

I focus on dating techniques
to increase one’s game.

However, I can hone my skills

to accentuate
your current position.

- Ray Ray, you get that shit?
- I got it, boss.

Matter of fact, put parentheses
around the last seven sentences.

I might use that
in future presentations.

Let me start by saying

that there is a skill
to love, gentlemen.

And apparently it is a skill
none of y’all motherfucker s
got.

Thus, that’s why
I am the fuck here.

Now, maybe you went on
some dates in the past,

threw some money around,

thought that’s how
you was gonna get a woman.

Yeah. Apparently that shit
didn’t work, did it?

I’m gonna tell you only
one thing you need to know

from here on out.

If it ain’t
the Pepper Palmer way,

shit just don’t work.

What can the Pepper Palmer way
do for you?

That is a wonderful question.
I’m glad that you asked.

Let us compile a list
of the wonderful ways

my program can
influence your life.

The Pepper Palmer way will
increase blow job frequency.

Yeah, that’s right.

Number two: Decrease
your oral sex obligations.

Number three:
Win every fight.

Number four:

Never let her argue
with your ass ever again.

Number five:

Get her to pay your bail in case
of extenuating circumstances.

And number six.

And this one’s
the best of all y’all.

Just get her to fucking
love your dumb ass.

I think the first point
was a seller.

I’d like a refund now.

Oh, I forgot to tell
y’all brothers.

All sales are final.

Ain’t no motherfuckin’ refund.

Now, we’ll be back here
tomorrow night at 6:00 sharp.

Bring writing utensils
and paper.

Be ready to take
fastidious notes.

Ooh, I like that word,
Ray Ray.

Remind me to use it
in more appreciative company.

Yeah.

Yeah. I can tell you one thing.

We gonna get that girl.
That I can tell you for sho.

No way am I gonna work
with that fucking parasite.

He seems like a man
that can get things done to me.

He’s a jive ass, wanna be
black, sleazy street hustler.

He thinks we can get this girl
with head games and pimpery.

Maybe, but he knows more about
dating black women than we do.

Phil knows more about dating
black women than he does.

Hell, fucking Rob and Tom
upstairs probably know more.

He ain’t even black. He’s like
a Guatemalan or some shit.

You know what, Kevin?
I usually just agree with you

and go along for the sake of
not arguing, but not this time.

When I first saw Leah
in that theater,

it was like all my dreams
had come true in a flash.

I saw my destiny, man,

and I’m not gonna let you
talk me out of this one.

You stuttered and stumbled
the whole time.

You wouldn’t even have a date
with her if it weren’t for me.

That’s exactly why we need him.

- I don’t wanna fuck this up.
- He’s gonna fuck it up anyway.

All you gotta do is watch him
burn that shit to the ground.

Look, why don’t we just
reconsider interracial dating?

It seems a lot less stressful.

I just want a loving,
committed relationship

with someone who understands me
and cares about me.

And so do you, Kevin.

You know you do.
Deep down, you do.

Just do one selfless thing
in your life, please?

Just one selfless thing.

One fucking night.
That’s all. Just one night.

And I’m doing this for
the two of you, and that’s it.

So let’s have a brief review
on some of the scenarios

that we may incur while we’re
out on our different excursions.

Scenario A:

She briefly shows disinterest
in you, or D6.

I want you to convert that
to a C12:

Belittle or insult her ass.

When you regain her attention,
which you will,

you swiftly move down to X7,
which is your closing move.

Moving on, scenario B.

**

[no audible dialogue]

That is a crucial point
’cause, see, N22,

that’s when you gonna
get back to that G5.

What the hell y’all wearing?
V-necks, flip flops?

That ain’t black, man!

Black women’s eyes
detect style differently

than white women’s eyes.

"Can I get your credit card

so I can go to the mall,
do some shopping?"

Bitch, you can get a J
to the motherfuckin’ A!

That’s what you gonna get!
That’s what you gonna get!

"I’m gonna go get my hair
done."

"Bitch, you can’t get shit!"

How you gonna get a woman if you
got dingleberries in the back?

Yeah, write that shit down,
write that shit down.

The back of your neck look like
hot dogs hanging out back there.

Please, gentlemen.
Please, please have a seat.

We still got a few more things
to go over.

This is how we heal, y’all.

This is how we heal, y’all.
Just like this.

Y’all see how this work?
That’s right.

And that...

Hold on a second.

Thank you. Ah, yeah.

That’s how you get the womens.

[phone chiming]

Oh, it’s Leah.
What do I do?

Now, remember the rules.

Be calm.
Answer with confidence.

[chiming continues]

- Answer that shit!
- What do I say?

Do it!

- Hello?
- Hey, it’s Jerome.

I met you the other day
at the theater.

How’d you get this number?

You called me a minute ago.
I was just calling back.

You must’ve butt-dialed me

’cause all I could hear was
shuffling and muffled voices.

I am so sorry.
How silly of me.

I was wondering--

Hey, hey, you’re breaking up.
I can’t hear you.

I’m in a bad area...

Oh, no, no, no.

I lost the call.
Should I call her back?

Nah, that seems desperate.
Let her call you back.

[ringing]

Now she just texted me.
Should I text her back?

Yeah. Wait. What’d it say?

"Sorry. My phone
dropped the call."

[scoffs]
Well, obviously.

- I’m just gonna text her back.
- No, no, no, no.

This is the game, motherfucker.
This is the game.

This is a K7.

Make her wait.
Build attraction.

How long?

Just wait.

Now text her back.

Wait, wait!
What you gonna say?

Uh, "Hey, this Jerome.

You looked nice the other day.
Uh, I would like to--"

No, no, no, you already sound
weak and submissive, man.

It does kinda sound soft.

Like a little girl.

No, no, say this, say this.

"Meet me at Botanica
in about an hour for coffee.

Will that work?"

- All right.
- Yeah.

- [ringing]
- What’d she say?

"K." Like the letter K.

What, is that like black slang
or something?

- You serious?
- Yeah, yeah.

I don’t know. I don’t ever use
the text feature on my phone.

I only call.
I don’t know black--

It means K, as in OK.

Oh. Now I feel stupid.

As you should.

Well, at least we got
a date tonight, boy.

Wait a minute.
I don’t know if I’m ready.

I don’t remember
all the Pepper Palmer codes.

Shh. It’s okay.

You gonna be all right.
I got ourselves a plan.

One black coffee,
one hazelnut latte.

Thank you.

Testing, testing, 1, 2.
You guys hear me okay?

We can hear you fine, Jerome.
Now listen to my voice.

Stay calm. Make sure she can’t
see your earpiece, all right?

If by any chance
we lose communication,

stand up and walk out
on the date, you feel me?

Better to look a little weird
and make her feel insecure

than risk being yourself.

Whatever you say, PP.

Hey, I said don’t be
calling me PP!

That’s an invited name only.

I don’t remember
extending you an invitation.

Now, look. Here she come.
Get ready.

This is an A7.
Don’t be intimidated.

Stand up straight.

Wipe that smile off your face.

Remember, you get women
like this all the time.

She’s just another notch
in your belt.

Make her feel that.
Make her sense that.

Should I stand to greet her?

No! Hell no!

Just relax.

A7.

A7.

Hey, Jerome.
It’s so good to see you.

K12, K12!

I don’t remember
what that is.

And don’t fucking
shake her hand!

Give her a hug.

Take all that energy
away from her.

Get in control.

B4. No wait. B9.

Have a seat.

Yeah. B9 that shit.

Is everything okay?

You seem a little preoccupied.

Perfect, my brother.

You got her
right where you want her.

Now F2, then I want you
to circumvent to a G27.

- What does circumvent mean?
- Excuse me?

Don’t say that shit out loud
Focus!

I knew we should’ve done
a dress rehearsal.

Tell her you got her a coffee.

I got you this coffee.
It’s a hazelnut latte.

Sounds good. Thanks.

Don’t smile back. She’s trying
to get you to commit.

So, what do you think
about this dress?

I was nervous about
wearing it.

I didn’t know if this place
was gonna be nice or not,

so hopefully
I’m not overdressed.

She’s trying to G7 your ass.

She’s fishing for a compliment.
Do not indulge her.

I repeat, do not indulge her.
Tell her...

Tell her her dress looks goofy,

and you was trying to hold back
laughter when she walked in.

- I’m not gonna say that.
- Say it, Jerome!

Remember, the goal is
to keep her self-confidence

at a manageable level.

We need her
right at the brink

of getting a therapist
or a gym membership.

- Well, this is getting awkward.
- Say it, motherfucker!

You know what? Your dress
does look a little goofy.

I was trying to hold back
my laughter when you walked in.

Okay, on my count,

I want you to say,
"Just kidding."

Ready?

One...

two...

and three.

Just kidding.

J9 that ass!

- No.
- I said...

J9 that ass.

Do it.

Do it.

Do it!

You pussy motherfucker.

You done blown
this whole damn night.

I think your dress
looks great.

It’s been a really strange day.

It’s actually been a really
strange couple of days.

Start from the beginning.
I’d love to hear about it.

We lost
communication.

He ended communication.

Why?

We gonna find out.

Well, well, well.

How the hell did you guys
get in here?

What the fuck happened
to you tonight?

Nothing.

What you mean, nothing?

We lost communication
with you.

You tore out your earpiece.

I ordered a J9,
and you backed out.

Because it wasn’t
going to work.

- Excuse me?
- It wasn’t gonna work.

Mr. Palmer, we don’t need
your services anymore.

Kevin was right. It was just
a bunch of smoke and mirrors.

Wait, you insulting me?

What Jerome’s trying to say
is that we tried your services.

They didn’t work.
Now could you please leave?

Listen here, you little pretty
punk ass motherfucker.

Hey! I don’t know
how you do it

on this side
of the Mason-Dixon line,

but where I come from,
Afton, Wyoming,

we don’t take kindly
to men who put their hands

all over other men.

And tonight...

I’m feeling real homesick.

So get the hell out of my house,

or I’m gonna show you
why Wyoming

is the murder capital
of the nation...

for sheep.

Remember them three rules.

Don’t cross Pepper Palmer.

There’s gonna be a cross
over Pepper Palmer’s grave

if he don’t get the fuck
out of my house.

Y’all remember that.

Someone needs to keep their
priorities fucking straight!

Well, that was money well spent.

On the bright side of things,

how’d the rest of
the date go, Jerome?

You know what?

I thought I was gonna fuck it up
when I pulled that earpiece out,

but I felt this overwhelming
calm come over me when I did.

I didn’t feel that clammy,
awkward feeling I usually do

when I’m on a date.

Everything just felt natural
after that.

See? Just like I said all along.
You don’t need anyone’s help.

You’re the one who told me to
hire Pepper in the first place.

You paid for it
out of the NAACP donations.

Who donates to us anyway?

Mostly my mom, your mom too,
and Phil’s family.

They still send us
Irish pounds,

God bless their little
third-world hearts.

You’ve gotta be
out of your mind.

Ireland’s far from third world.

’Twas the first world.
And it will always be.

As long as we drive those
Protestants out of Belfast

and take back the land
that was always ours.

If we drive a stake through
the heart of everyone--

Hold it right there,
Trainspotting.

Trainspotting
was a Scottish film.

It’s the same kilt-wearing,
bagpipe-playing concept.

Let’s not make this
all about you, Phil.

Jerome, I wanna hear about
the rest of your date.

Continue, please.

We got something to eat,

went for a walk downtown,

and just talked
about everything.

Man, I felt so relaxed
and at ease.

It was amazing.

Did you ask her
about the cousins?

Uh, we didn’t--
We didn’t get around to it.

You didn’t get around to it?
It’s a one-sentence question.

I wasn’t thinking about it.

This isn’t just about you,
okay?

We’re both invested in this
just as much as you.

You need to take that
into consideration.

There was something else though.

What?

I don’t know. I got this
nagging feeling that--

that I wasn’t black enough.

- What do you mean?
- Yeah, what do you mean?

I don’t know. I got this
nagging feeling in the back of
my head

that I was acting too white,
and it was a turn-off for her.

You know, she’s been around
real black men, you know.

- Did she say something?
- No.

Did she allude to anything?

Not really anything
I can remember.

Well, she did say,
"Wow, you really are from here."

That could mean anything.

I think you’re over-analyzing
the situation, Jerome.

Did she say she didn’t
want to hang out again?

No.

But she said she did
want to hang out again.

Yeah.

Great. There you go then.

Stop worrying about the future
and let’s focus on the now.

When’s your next date?

Well, she asked me to stop by
her work tomorrow night.

Perfect, perfect.

Have you been...

using that conditioner and
lotion we were talking about?

You’ve decreased your ball
scratching, that’s all.

I just noticed it.

Your balls are happy, Jerome.
Trust me.

If they could leap out of
your pants and give me a hug,

I’d fucking promise you
they would.

- Hello?
- We got a problem.

- What kind of problem?
- I’m here at the theater,

and Pepper came by earlier
and told Leah everything.

Damn it. We need an emergency
meeting as soon as possible.

We gotta figure out a way
to get her back.

- Let’s meet at the house now.
- I can’t.

I just took Rob and Tom
to bankruptcy court.

I gotta take them home
when we’re done.

Oh, my God.

Pepper just walked in.

Intercept him right away.

Do not let him talk to her.

I can’t. She thinks I left.
I’m hiding in the lobby.

Robert Evans?

I gotta go.

Text me a play-by-play
of everything that happens.

Do whatever you can
to stop him, you hear me?

Who is Robert Evans?

That would be me.

You’re filing a Chapter 7
bankruptcy. Is that correct?

Yes, Your Trustee-ness.

- A simple yes would suffice.
- Yes.

Your lawyer has explained to you
the details of this filing?

Yes. My client is aware of all
the consequences of this filing

and has brought all
the necessary paperwork.

Very well.
May I see the paperwork?

Did you bring your bank
statement for the last month?

Yes. Tom?

Shit!

Sorry, sorry.

Before I file any bankruptcy,

I deem it necessary
and appropriate

to review the defendant’s
financial past

so we can get an idea
of their spending habits,

see what purchases they made
on their debit cards.

Do you object to that?

- Well, I don’t--
- Good. Let’s begin, shall we?

July 1st, 9:26 a.m.

Quick Stop Market, $7.38.

I love Donettes.

The powdered kind
as well as the crumb kind.

And I think I bought some soda
and some rolling papers.

July 1st, 12:13 p.m.,
The Chicken Shack, $6.38.

Wing Wednesday. They have
this zesty buffalo sauce.

July 1st, 5:39 p.m.,
the State Liquor store, $13.22.

I, for one, will not
deny myself the right

to a frosty one
every now and then.

- This is America.
- July 1st, 10:27 p.m.

The Booby Bungalow, $17.34.

Uh, that’s a gentleman’s club.

I believe that’s what
they’re calling it.

I indulge
every once in a while,

which is completely legal,
once again,

and I met this girl
named Candy.

July 2nd, 8:29 a.m.,

Quick Stop Market, $7.45.

[indistinct chatter]

July 2nd, 12:16 p.m.,

back to the Chicken Shack,
$7.37.

Finger Friday.
They have these chicken fingers

that, with this batter--

If you dip
the two sauces together...

- Oh, you mix them!
- Ridiculous.

July 2nd, 4:17 p.m.,

The Tobacco Palace, $14.28.

We bought a bong.

For tobacco, tobacco.

Yes. And they have lots of
different flavors.

Chocolate, mint, strawberry,

which is, incidentally,
Tom’s favorite.

July 2nd, 6:14 p.m.,
the State Liquor store, $15.80.

It was a Friday.
I needed a drink.

July 2nd, 9:18 p.m.,
The Booby Bungalow, $22.19.

It’s that damn Candy.

I tried not to go back, but I
just had to tell the manager.

She needs to be transferred
to a different state.

July 2nd, 10:22 p.m.,

The Booby Bungalow, $22.19.

She had this hold on me.

July 2nd, 10:45 p.m.,

The Booby Bungalow, $22.19.

Oh, you wanna know
what I said to that manager?

I said, "This woman is a menace
to the men of this city,

and she should be...
sent away."

Social activism.

July 3rd, 12:36 a.m.,

Jimmy’s Bail Bonds, $300.00.

The bouncers got me arrested.

Apparently I was being
too touchy,

which, I mean, let’s get
specific with definitions,

but I’m glad the legal team
is here because,

as far as what I know,
"violation--"

- And what’s "too touchy?"
- July 3rd, 2:36 a.m.,

a call from
the Salt Lake County Jail

to The Booby Bungalow
for $12.37.

I guess I felt it my right
to let the manager know

the pain which had been
afflicted upon me

because of this viper,
which he agreed to employ--

July 3rd, 8:32 a.m.,
the State Liquor store, $12.32.

It was my cousin’s birthday,
and I needed to pick up--

Don’t tell them, Tom.

I had to dull the pain,
everybody! Guilty!

I mean, not guilty.
Sue me. Don’t sue me.

Is that right?

[laughter]

July 3rd, 2:17 p.m.,
Lee’s gas station, $20.00.

Here we go. Gas. Gas, everybody!
A completely normal purchase.

July 3rd, 7:12 p.m.,

The Booby Bungalow, $22.19.

I wish I never met Candy.

- What the hell happened today?
- He got her.

How do you know that? Did you
hear their exact conversation?

I saw him walk in,
flirt with her,

touch her all over
her hands and shit,

pull her out from behind the
counter and walk away with her.

Who manned her station
when she left?

- What?
- That doesn’t mean he got her.

It just means that
he talked to her.

It doesn’t mean anything.

She told me
he told her everything.

The jig is up, man.

Okay, well, then let’s
just think of a new plan.

- Like what?
- I don’t know.

You’re the brains
of this operation. You tell me.

It’s over, man. She’s done.

We gotta chalk it up as a loss
and move on.

No. There’s gotta be
something we can do.

We gotta stop Pepper Palmer.

Eliminate her options.
It’s the only way.

How do you suppose we do that?

We’re smart. Why don’t we
put our heads together?

We can figure something out.

KEVIN: I wish th
a photographer here right now

to catch this pose.

The light, the ambiance,
the mood, it’s perfect.

Where the fuck is a photog
when you need one?

PHIL: You know wha
wonderful right now?

Irish stew.
Carrots, potatoes, bacon.

Especially bacon.

JEROME:<
does he get to be president?

I can’t believe
I missed it by one vote.

I got it.

We play him against himself.

I don’t get it.

We use his equations
against him.

We fuck him
with his own formulas.

How do we do that?

You’ll see.

* Yeah *

* Oh *

* Yeah *

* Oh *

* Yeah *

* Oh *

* Yeah *

* Walking down the street
stoned out of my mind *

* Said all my life, it seems *

* Lord, I must have
been blind *

* Said I’ve been asleep
Pulled the covers overhead *

* When I look back
on those days, baby *

* Might as well been dead *

* Said I got the blues *

* I got them red eye blues *

* Said I got them blues, baby *

* Them red eye blues *

* When I look back
on those days, baby *

* I might as well been dead *

Gentlemen,
I think we are ready.

He’s gay.

What?

Pepper, he’s gay.

Really? He’s gay?

I think they call it
an alternative lifestyle.

He’s a booty buffer.

We call ’em sausage jockeys
and donut punchers in Ireland.

Hey, guys, I’m really busy.
I gotta get back to work.

You don’t want to go out
with this guy. He’s trouble.

Yeah, really?
Well, at least he’s not a liar,

and he didn’t have
to hire someone

to teach him how to go
on a date now, did he?

[giggling]

Yeah. Bup ba ba ba.

Yeah.

Okay. I’m just gonna try
not to figure that out.

This is my roommate Jerome.

- Nice to meet you.
- Likewise.

Jerome, I’m gonna need you
to wash those ass covers.

They’re starting to mold.

I want them Febreze fresh,

and I want them smelling great
like a summer’s day,

folded up in my fucking room.

Okay, well, I can’t today.
I’ve got plans with the boys.

Ahem. The lease.

Fine. I’ll do them later.

Speaking of which, Jerome,
what size briefs do you wear?

I don’t. I wear boxers.

Well, if you did wear briefs,
what size would they be?

Does this have a point?

Well, you know,
with all the civil rights

and Martin X
and all that,

you can just never be sure which
of these myths are true or not.

You know what I mean.

No, I don’t. I have no idea
what you’re talking about.

All right, um,

I wear larges,
he wears extra larges,

and you wear double X?

How large are your...

Are you trying to ask me,
in front of your brother

and the judge
from the other day,

who I’m assuming is
your girlfriend now...

Guilty.

...if my dick is bigger
because I’m black?

- Whoa. Whoa, whoa.
- Hey! Shit, man.

I would not have been so crass.
I would’ve said penis.

But now that you bring it up,
what do you--

I don’t have to answer that.

And I know
it’s not in the lease.

I thought I--

- It’s not in there.
- Of course it is.

It’s under, um...

Fuck, dude.

Curses.

All right, well, I’m gonna
just have to imagine then.

This is getting beyond creepy,
you guys.

- What size is your junk?
- [horn honks]

Hey, that’s for me.
I’m gonna go.

Tom, I’ll wash these later.

I do not trust him.

Why not?

He looks like
a black Walt Disney.

- Oh, yeah, he does.
- You know?

Yeah, but I doubt anyone’s
gonna be riding the rides.

It’s a small world after all.

Sex.

Tom, get the innuendos?

- Mm-hmm.
- She was saying some.

Yeah, yeah, this is...
I’m gonna go.

Dude, you’re eating
that whole thing by yourself.

[growls]

Y’all wanna play games, huh?

Yeah, I was about to walk away
from the whole thing.

I gotta find out
y’all are talking smack.

You thought I was playing when I
said don’t cross Pepper Palmer.

Why don’t you just leave and go
back to wherever you’re from?

Your job here is done.

What do you care about
a couple of guys like us anyway?

The locals seem to be taking
quite a liking to Pepper.

Especially that pretty little
thang over at the local theater.

Yeah, that’s right.

Think I might stick around town
for a little while.

That’s quite a pretty little
lawn you got over there.

Maybe too pretty.

[engine revs]

Early bird gets the worm, huh?

You really can’t get it green,
can you?

I was cleaning out
my garage this morning

when I happened
to stumble upon this:

my master’s degree
in electrical engineering.

Do you have a degree?

I take it you don’t.

People with degrees

don’t live with
perverted roommates.

That means you’re really good
at electronics, right?

Of course.

I have a master’s degree.

Good, good.
I may need your help.

I’ve got this cousin who
might wanna do an experiment

on his car.

Sounds expensive.

I can pay you.
I can pay you a lot.

And I don’t have
to be near you

or talk to you
during the process.

Not at all. I’ll show you the
car, and you can do your thing.

Well, then let’s see this car.

Hey, I’ll pick you up tonight.
It’s at his place.

What’s up, buttercup?

Way to be, sweet pea.

[circus music on radio]

[circus music loop continues]

Man...

You gotta be kidding me.

Oh, no, you didn’t
mess with my car.

Ooh...

They broke rule number four.

I’m gonna bust some ass now.

You don’t mess with
Pepper Palmer’s car.

Hell, no! No, you ain’t messing
with Pepper Palmer’s car.

Oh, hell, no!

[circus music continues]

Well, I gotta tell ya,

I never seen anything
quite like this.

Whoever wired this has a kill
switch wherever you unhook it.

The stereo, speakers,
car battery.

Can’t I just break the stereo
or poke a hole in the speaker?

Yeah, well, you could,
but if you do,

the trigger sets off
a small series of explosions,

fries the entire system.

It’s quite ingenious, actually.

I’d have to have my master’s
degree in electrical engineering

to understand even the depth
of this system.

It’s not a bad song.

It’s kinda catchy actually.

Pepper Palmer
don’t like being played.

I don’t like to be played.

Oh, no.

Pepper Palmer
don’t like to be played.

Hit it!

* He don’t like to be played *

* He don’t like to be played *

* He don’t like to be played *

* He don’t like to be played *

* He don’t like to be played *

* Pepper Palmer
don’t like to be played *

* He don’t like to be played *

* He don’t like to be played *

* He don’t like to be played *

* He don’t like to be played *

* He don’t like to be played *

* He don’t like to be played *

[shouts]
Kinda...

trying to run a business here,
if you don’t mind.

Here you go.

Thanks.

Enjoy the show.

Leah, wait!

- What, Jerome?
- I wanted to say I’m sorry.

I didn’t mean for it
to happen this way.

You mean you didn’t mean
to get caught.

No! Look, I know
we only had one date,

but I thought we had
a good connection.

Enough for a second date,
don’t you think?

Jerome, you hired someone
to lure me in

so you and your friends
could date my cousins.

Don’t you find that to be
a little strange?

Yeah, I know.
I suck at dating.

Kevin thought I needed help.

And the only reason we hired
Pepper in the first place

is because we thought
we weren’t black enough.

What? What do you mean,
not black enough?

We thought that
because you grew up

around more black people
than we did

that you wouldn’t like us
unless we--

Acted like some street thug
who tries too hard?

Is that what you think
I’m into?

We just wanted to be safe,
cover our bases.

I’m not asking about "we."
I’m asking about you.

Is that what you think I’m
into?

I don’t know.

Like any decent woman,
I just want a decent man.

Someone who cares about me
and holds me up high.

Someone who cares about himself
and those that he loves.

I don’t care about
what kind of car you drive

or what music you listen to
or what shoes you wear.

And you thought that Pepper was
the type of guy I’d go after?

You went out with him
yesterday, didn’t you?

Kevin saw him
flirting with you

and holding your hand
as you left with him.

Did he stay after and watch me
after we spoke yesterday?

Wow. This just gets creepier
by the second, doesn’t it?

No, look, it wasn’t like that.

He was about to leave
and then he saw Pepper walk in.

He was just watching.

Pepper is just a friend.

I don’t know anyone
in this city,

and he seemed like a nice guy,
so we hung out.

But I told him that I was only
interested in him as a friend.

I made that very clear.
He’s not my type.

Leah, I feel like an idiot.

At least let me take you
on a date for lunch

or maybe a picnic.
We can have a picnic.

Are you gonna wear
an earpiece again?

Maybe.

You guys are crazy,
you know that?

You’re just now
figuring that out?

You know, in some strange way,
I have to admit

it’s flattering you guys would
go through all that trouble

just to make sure
one date with me would go well.

I must look good.

Look at you, man.
You got a second chance.

I may need some help
on this one.

You kidding me?
This is all you, brother.

I’m serious.
Some advice at least.

You’re the one who’s good
at this dating shit.

Man, I suck at dating.

What are you talking about?

Look how easy it was for you
to talk to Leah

when we first met her.

You’ve always seemed
more confident with women.

It’s all I got, man.

People think that just ’cause
I’m decent-looking and I model

that I can get all the girls
in the world.

When you got Leah
on that first date,

after you pulled that earpiece
out, that was all you, man.

You were just being yourself.

That’s all you gotta do,
just be yourself.

And what if
she doesn’t want that?

Then someone will come along
who will.

Thanks, man. I couldn’t do it
without you, brother.

Just get those cousins
out here, my man.

Just get those cousins
out here.

You two doing
some donut punching?

So where would you go
if you could go anywhere,

like anywhere in the world?

- For how long?
- Permanently.

Permanently? Like I could
never come back here?

Yep, you could never
come back here.

California or maybe Memphis.

Memphis? Why Memphis?
It’s so dirty there.

Memphis is where everything
began and ended.

Rhythm and blues,
rock and roll,

Elvis, Martin Luther King,
WC Handy.

It’s like the mecca of America.

You think?

To me.

What about you?

If it had to be America,
I’d say Chicago.

If it could be anywhere
in the world,

I’d say definitely Belize.

- Wait, Chicago?
- Yeah.

It’s cold and segregated.
It’s in the middle of nowhere.

Three things:

Italian beef sandwiches,
deep dish pizza,

and the best baseball
and football on the planet.

- [laughs]
- What?

It’s funny that you thought you
weren’t black enough to date
me.

- What is that, a Utah thing?
- Well, as you can see,

there aren’t many
black people around here.

So I guess when we see
someone black from out of town,

it’s fascinating
or fearful for us.

Most black people from out of
town think we act too white,

whatever that means.

So then why do you stay here?

Well, look around you.

It’s one of the most beautiful
places in the world.

As a kid, I always wanted
to leave it,

but then one day
I turned around,

and I never wanted
to leave it.

Sometimes you see
something beautiful,

and it’s hard
to stay away from them.

So you’re an actor?

Yeah.

- Do you sing?
- A little bit.

- Then sing something for me.
- No way.

You can sing in front of crowds,
but can’t sing in front of me?

- That’s different.
- How?

Th-That’s just different.

Just sing something, anything.

I’d love to hear it.

* When I’m around you
my palms sweat *

* The heat of the sun
like a sunset *

* I can’t resist you with
something I can’t express *

* Like the moon
you push and pull me *

* Till we both confess *

* So, baby, let me
in your cosmic love *

* Drowning in
a sea of cosmic love *

* Unlock your heart
to unlock mine *

* To transcend
all space and time *

* I’ll be yours *

* And you’ll be mine *

* So, baby, let me
in your cosmic love *

Wow.

Yeah. I didn’t know
you could sing.

There’s a lot of things you
don’t know about me, Jerome.

Well, ain’t that the truth.

Well, well, well!

What have we here?

I send you out for eggs,

get a little suspicious,
and this is what I find.

I’m sorry. Do I know you?

She doesn’t look like eggs
to me, Jerome.

She doesn’t look like
fucking eggs!

Whoa, wait.
Who the hell are you?

Don’t play stupid with me,
you asshole!

Wow. Is this your little victim?

Wow, yeah.

Three women in one month.

You know,
that’s a record for you.

With all due respect--

Let’s see, so I’ve got
a bag of heroin,

I got herpes, yeah,
and now this.

Do you know this woman,
Jerome?

I have never seen her before
in my life.

You don’t know me?

If you don’t know me,
how do I know Phil?

How do I know Kevin?

You know, honey,

you might wanna save yourself
some trouble

and stay away from him

because it’s all fun and games
in the beginning

and then that.

You are an asshole,
asshole.

I have no idea. I’ve never seen
that woman before in my life.

Then how’d she know
who your friends were?

I don’t know.

This is turning out to be
way more drama

than what I want or need
in my life right now.

Pepper! Pepper did this.
He’s behind all of this.

That sneaky, crafty ass
motherfucker.

- You know, I gotta go.
- Wait, Leah, wait!

No.

So you wanna just kill him.

I don’t see any other way.

I don’t know, man. Usually
I’ll back you up with anything,

but I just don’t think
I can shoot somebody, bro.

I can’t believe I’m
the only voice of reason

in this situation.

Jerome, look what
you’re doing.

Rob, are you gonna
let him do this?

Are you gonna let him
use your guns?

Can’t you see
I’m watching something?

Why are you bothering me?

Can’t you see that someon
about to use your guns

to possibly murder someone?

Well, yeah, I can see it.
I don’t care.

Actually, Jerome,
are you a good shot?

I have no idea.

Well, then by all means,
kill away, okay?

Now, Kevin, I need you
to keep Jerome alive

because that power bill
last month was a bitch,

and I’m not paying it alone.

Look, you may not care,
but I do.

I’m putting my foot down
on this one.

Jerome, there’s gotta be a
better way to deal with Pepper.

Killing him’s
not the solution.

The only language that
Pepper Palmer understands

is this language.

So I say we run up on his ass,
catch him off guard and then--

- Did you say Pepper Palmer?
- Yes.

Why on earth would you
wanna hurt him?

’Cause he’s
an egotistical maniac

who’s destroyed
everyone’s lives in this room.

How do you know him?

He’s Guatemalan, right?

Told you, brother.

Yeah, we think he is.

I went to high school with him.

He’s from Cleveland, right?

Yup.

You wanna kill him?

He was one of the best students
at our high school.

Valedictorian, chess club,

debate team, drama club,
straight-A student.

Wait. I didn’t know
you were from Ohio, babe.

I thought you were from Utah.

I am. Cleveland, Utah.

Cleveland, Utah?

Jerome, I thought you said
he was from Ohio, dated sisters.

Look, first of all, I’m shocked
that there’s a Cleveland, Utah.

Second of all, I thought
he was from Ohio too, man.

Look, no guns, Jerome.
I mean it. It’s not worth it.

You know what?
You’re right, Phil.

He’s from Cleveland, Utah.

We’ll just go kick
his fucking ass.

That’s what I’m talking about.
Wait.

When you say kick his fucking
ass, you mean like fight him?

Yeah, man,
we’re gonna fucking fight him.

Like rolling around
on the ground fight?

Maybe, yeah. Bushes.

Yeah, gosh, that already
sounds dirty.

- I just got the shirt clean.
- What’s wrong with your shirt?

It’s not gonna work
in a fistfight, man.

You’re not gonna fight
in that shirt with us?

No. Look, this could
get me gigs.

This is a potential
gig-getting shirt.

No, let’s...

Do you have another shirt
around here laying around?

I think I’ve got
another shirt.

Okay, I’ll do the Superman
thing, change real quick.

- It’s gotta be fast.
- Let’s go fast, real quick.

We just gotta coordinate this,
that’s all.

Go put an apple on your head.

What the fuck
did I tell y’all?

Don’t cross Pepper Palmer!

Now ain’t nobody
gonna get the bitch.

The bitch?

Yeah, I said it. Bitch!

Now go take this stupid ass song
off of my stereo

before somebody
gets their ass kicked!

Fuck you! Give us our money back
before your ass gets stomped.

You ain’t so tough without
your big-ass friend, are you?

Yeah, what happened
to your friend?

Somebody didn’t pay
his hotel bill.

Would that somebody be you?

Was I talking to you,
Jiffy Peanut Butter?

Man, look at this clown.

You come into my city,
ruin my life,

ruin any chance I got
at getting this girl,

take our money and then got
the nerve to talk some shit?

Somebody hold me back. I’m
about to punch a hole in this
fucker!

Stop it, Jerome! Stop it!
This isn’t like you.

Look what you’ve become,
what we’ve become.

The girl is gone.

There’s no need
fighting about it now.

There’s no spoils to gain.

Look, fix his car.

Pepper, give us back our money,
and we can all be on our way.

Man, I ain’t gonna
give you back shit!

Only thing I’m gonna give you
is the back of my fucking hand

if somebody don’t hop to my car
and fix that goddamn radio!

Look, here! I was born
in Belfast, raised in Dublin.

Give us back our money or I’ll
kick your fucking ass so hard

you’ll wake up
in Warsaw, Poland!

Let me the fuck go!
Get off of me!

Clarence Phillip Pepper Palmer,
the second.

Gloria Beasterfield?

You haven’t changed a bit
since high school.

Still up to your old tricks.

How’s your mother Blanche?

Sure she’d be happy to hear
her little Clarence

is pretending to be a pimp
to rob these poor Negroes

of their money.

We still call you Negroes
in Cleveland.

They haven’t updated
our textbooks since 1961.

Uh, Miss Beasterfield, can you
please not tell my mother?

Here’s what we’re gonna do.

Jerome, whatever you did
to his car, fix it.

And, Pepper, refund these boys
all of their money.

And since they can never regain
the item they paid you to get,

throw something extra in.

- Like what?
- I don’t know.

You boys seem to be clever with
new ways to surprise each other.

I’m sure
you’ll think of something.

But let me make it clear
what will happen

if any of you decide to go back
on this little deal we’ve made.

I will commence
to pick up the phone

and dial every
law enforcement friend I have

and come up with
a few surprises of my own,

if you catch my drift.

Have a good night, gentlemen.

Oh, and, Jerome?

Rob’s ready
for his Salisbury steak now.

Hey.

Did Pepper pay you the money?

In cash, in an envelope.

He gave it Gloria,
and she gave it to me.

- And did he add anything extra?
- No.

He told Gloria
he would though.

I guess we’ll just
have to find out.

Yeah.

Hey, man, there’s plenty
of fish in the sea.

Don’t get all caught up
on this one.

I’ve never been more
embarrassed in front of a woman
before.

I can’t believe we made
ourselves look so stupid.

Yeah, we blew it on that one.

Hey, look on the bright side
of things.

At least we never have
to see her again, right?

That’s just it, man.

Usually I’d probably
just walk away,

especially after everything
that’s happened.

But I just can’t stop
thinking about her.

Am I being desperate?

Maybe.

How did you feel
on those couple of dates?

Oh, man.
It was like I was at home

for the first time
in my entire life.

It was like she understood
everything I said

and knew and...

It just worked. I don’t know
how to explain it. It just...

It just worked.

And it feels wrong that
I’m never gonna see her again.

I don’t know what to do.

I’ll admit it.
I’m fresh out of ideas.

Maybe I should
just let her go,

get back to my normal life.

When I was a kid, man,
my mom used to love Elvis.

Used to watch him
all the time,

could tell you
anything about him.

I heard so much Elvis
growing up,

I thought that I’d hate
his face when I got older,

but I actually ended up
loving him more than she did.

Anyways,
there was this one time

we were watching
this documentary about him,

and they said at
one point in his life,

he actually wanted
to be an electrician.

I mean he studied
to be an electrician.

After I saw that, I wondered
what the world would’ve missed

if he had become
an electrician.

What he would’ve missed
if he didn’t just go for it.

Leah, I know you must think
I’m crazy.

A little weird
and obsessive maybe.

Not sure about crazy yet.

I’m sure it’ll be here
any moment.

Pepper left. He sent that woman
to ambush our picnic.

I don’t care anymore!

I’m not looking to date
anyone right now.

You’re a cute guy. Find some
other girl. It’s a big city.

We went out twice. God,
you’d think we were engaged.

I’m not asking you out, okay?
I’m not asking you to marry me.

I’m just asking you
to forgive me.

I feel like a moron.

And I’m sorry that you
had to go through this.

I’m sorry that
this happened to you.

I’m sorry that I ruined
something that could’ve been...

- I’m sorry.
- Stop.

Of course I forgive you.

I had a feeling
that Pepper was behind

all the crap that’s been
going on recently,

so I’m not mad at you.

I’ve really enjoyed the time
that we spent together.

I’m not a strange guy.

I know, but I’m not looking
to date anyone right now.

It doesn’t mean I don’t
like you. It’s just...

I’m not ready for
something serious right now.

I thought I was,
but I’m not.

Maybe in the future,
just not right now.

That’s fine, that’s fine.

I just like
hanging out with you.

Even if we’re just friends.

I like hanging around you too.

So you decided not to be
an electrician after all, huh ?

It’s a long story.

[car approaches]

[car door closes]

Hello, gentlemen!

Wassup, man?

No hard feelings, huh, fellas?

Leah, it’s good
to see you again.

And it’s good to see you
with these wonderful men.

Let me just apologize
for any inconvenience

that I might have
caused you.

As for you two,

Gloria asked that I throw in
a little added bonus.

Well, I’m a man of my word.
And as much as it pains me

to get rid of my most
prized possessions...

maybe it’s time for me
to make a change too.

Good luck, gentlemen.

Good luck.

See? In the end,
everything works out.

What the fuck does that have
to do with my Salisbury steak?

*

Does your book got anything?

Are you finna get a girl...

to date yo ass?

What the fuck are you
talking about?

It’s all in the eyes, man.

You gotta get misty
in your eyes.

You gotta draw them in.
You gotta pull them in.

All right, Mr. Schwartz,

apparently you ain’t
spent a minute in Utah.

I’m the one with the book,
motherfucker, okay?

I’m the one who hung with
Richard Pryor for 25 years,

you Horshack, Welcome Back,
Kotter lookin’ motherfucker

with that chain.

I’m gonna show you
the smolder, all right?

Oh, yeah. See, you was getting
a little wet between the legs,

weren’t you, Scott Schwartz?

It’s not about being in
control. It’s not really what
it’s about.

You want to keep a woman
with you.

You want to keep a woman
next to you, not behind you.

Well, see, the Pepper Palmer way
gets you right up to about 95%.

You see what I’m saying?

There’s 41 steps on
everything you need to know

about cunnilingus.

They got this basketball team
here called the Utah Jazz.

I’m finna go tell them brothers
how they gonna find

some black womens
up here in Utah too.

Well, I like
the accentuation.

That makes the woman
feel better.

And then you know what?
She makes you feel better.

You ever heard of 5-minute abs?
People don’t want 41 steps,
son.

They want five. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
I give you five.

These people can’t
remember that much.

And the ladies?
They want it simple.

In and out. Literally.

* I’ll kiss ya
till your burn my fingers *

* I’ll kiss ya
till your burn my fingers *

* I’ll kiss ya
till your burn my fingers *

* I’ll kiss ya
till your burn my fingers *

* Oh, I’m gonna kiss you *

* Yeah, I’m gonna kiss you *

* Kiss you
till you burn my fingers *

* Oh, I’m gonna kiss you *

* Yeah, I’m gonna kiss you *

* Kiss you
till your burn my fingers *

* I wanna dance, dance, dance *

* Dance with my herb tree *

* I wanna dance, dance, dance *

* Dance with my herb tree *

* I wanna dance, dance, dance *

* Dance with my herb tree *

* I wanna dance, dance, dance *

* Dance with my herb tree *