All language subtitles for Sorella di clausura.eng

Now Gypsies are richer
than decent Romanians!

Look at the ticket prices!

Ceaușescu let them move in!

A Gypsy clan in Bucharest
bought the whole Old Town!

It's the municipality's fault!

You're a Gypsy and want to buy property?
Show me proof of employment!

Hey, lady!

Hands off me!

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready?

Romania, welcome to the European Union!

Boban, I love you!

Me too!

Me too!

Are you crazy,
you'll get them all dirty!

Wanna talk?

- I have a boyfriend!
- So what?

I just wanted to talk, yo!

We have nothing to talk about!

- What's up?
- Make sure the stew doesn't burn.

Don't let old Nelu get drunk
or he'll never shut up.

- Hope your blood tests are OK!
- Thanks.

What's this?

Lovely apartment you had here!

You sold it for nothing.
Your brother-in-law tricked you.

Prices were different two years ago.

- What are you drinking?
- Mineral water.

In exchange, he'll give us
the old house in Bucovăț village.

Did you sign any contract?

He said he'll sign
if we handle the paperwork.

But we don't have a clue about papers.

Be very careful.

Coming!

Family can betray you too!

What if he kicks you out of there too?

Your pension!

Just a second.

Uncle, please sign here.

There you go.

Stay for a drink!

- Sure, why not?
- It's late, nevermind.

Please, just go.

Yeah.

Can't do that, but thank you.

You want a tip and a drink too!

Boban! Boban!

Stela!

Stela!
Come here, the food smells burnt.

Are you alright?

- Goddamn curtain!
- Sure, it's the curtain's fault.

Dad, come help!
Sure you're alright?

Yeah.

- Put down that glass!
- Only in my grave.

Romania, we love you!

Boban! Boban!

Dear Boban, I fell in love with you
on the 26th of December 1986 around 2 p.m.

I was 12 then.

I saw you on the little
black and white TV and that was it.

Good evening.

- Good evening.
- I am a fan of Boban.

I'd like to know if he stays here
and if I can get an autograph.

I can't give you that information.

Can you at least tell me
if he's in his room now?

Can't tell you that either.

Oh Holy Mother of God,

help me at least touch him,

kiss his cheek,

hug him, nothing more -

I checked, Boban hasn't slept here
and he's not here now, so...

Wait, he hasn't slept here?

- Shouldn't you -
- Where did he sleep?

Our hotel doesn't inquire.

Still, I'll wait here.

Fine, but not at
the reception desk, please.

Please.

I searched for you in any man I've met,

and I liked only men
who looked at least 1% like you.

Like this, you actually look alike.

I figured, if you wish hard enough,
the universe will help you get your wish.

Did you two fuck? Humped and stuff?

Yeah, like you humped Shakira.

What happened to you?
Fought girls for that old fart's cock?

I fell at the concert. I'm fine.

Easy there.

- Sure you like cock? You didn't touch it.
- I love it!

Be a little patient,
I haven't done it in forever.

Hello, please patch me
through to Boban's room.

"Boban who?"
The singer, of course!

I'm calling for professional reasons.

Hello?

Hello!

Boban?

[Serbian:]

- Can you give me an autograph?
- Yes, sure.

Come.

- What's your name?
- Stela.

Stela...

Thank you so much!
Where are you going?

I have a photo shooting.

Boban!

Boban! Wait!

Thank you! Ciao!

- Good evening!
- Good evening.

- You took Uncle's pension!
- I didn't!

- Maybe it was the neighbour, he was here.
- He'd never do that.

I'm no watchdog, I don't
guard the house 24/7.

Stop taking us for fools!
You took it for that damned concert, liar!

His pension's our only income!

Your university colleagues
are now teachers.

You thought he'd see you
at the concert, fall for you,

and then you live happily ever after?

- He's got one foot in the grave!
- Anything for love.

You think he'd go for you, fool?
He's rolling in money!

Find a job, you broke loser!

- I have one!
- You call that a job?

I can't stand you anymore!

I'll get a personal loan tomorrow
to shut you all up!

That'd be a miracle!
Stela bringing money home!

Leave me -

A guy at the concert
bruised my ribs.

My loan didn't get approved.

Though I showed them
my diploma and proof of employment.

Really, that wasn't enough?

Yes, I went to pick up the money
and they said I don't qualify.

Ever heard of that happening before?

But I did sign the agreement.

After you signed,
did they ask anything else?

No.

I asked, it doesn't matter
that I'm a probationary employee.

Tu sei stupida.
How you fail at credito di banca?

Non è possibile!
Non puoi credere cosí!

Keep your mouth shut,
it's your only chance.

- Sore after the concert?
- You don't want to know.

I read your "boyfriend"
had fun last night.

I know, the Korean chick.
Didn't work out.

Korean my ass, she was
a Romanian from Timișoara!

Not true!

Here, I'll show you.

I'll show you.

"Boban Crazy for Timișoaran Blonde".

"A mystery blonde from Timișoara
has charmed Boban."

"She denies he bought her an apartment!"

Forza, get moving!

I can't keep standing and bending.
My back hurts.

What you propose?
Me work instead?

You iron your man's shirts like this too?

Switch me to the snap fastener line.

You want to work on stapler?
You can't even iron due shirts.

How complicated can it be?

No more you idle!
Get ironing!

Vaffanculo, Boss!

Get to work, you crazy woman!

You no hear? I talk to you!

Calmate, Luigi!

What you do, crazy woman?

Hello, this is an emergency.

I have severe back ache.

From a blow. I can hardly stand.

Stela Popovici.

No, no, don't!

Are they coming?

Wait!

Wait.

The spine is fine,
your third rib has a small fissure.

Might bother you when the weather changes.

But it hurts a lot.

Somatisation.

I need a few days of medical leave.

She's not insured, hired on probation.

In that case you don't qualify.

Have you seen this, though?

Wait outside for your discharge sheet.

How is your health,
our most famous Balkan musician?

We've heard you might
have some problems, is that true?

Not to brag, but
I'm actually in great shape,

I eat and drink
what I want, as much as I want,

I'm never sick, never got drunk,

thanks to my fast metabolism
and exceptional liver!

Jesus, Boban!
Why are you doing this to me?

If you won't share
a little pleasure with me,

may you fall and break your back,
feel my pain!

Since we can't connect any other way.

Ciao!

Forever!

We have breaking news from Serbia!

Famous artist Boban fell from
a tree trying to shoo a bird

and is risking paralysis.

Boban lost his balance on the ladder
at a height of three metres.

Please stay tuned

for exclusive footage from the hospital.

We'll keep you updated,
but so far it looks bad:

the doctor has forbid him acrobatic sex!

We're finally connected, my curse worked.
Broke his back like a chicken's.

Help me fold back the bed.

- The doctor said I need to rest.
- The doctor said you're fine.

All that cursing
your factory manager didn't work,

and it worked with
Boban Slobozanovic...

He was in hospital, in a long gown,
all disfigured with pain.

I know that pain.

This proves I'm as powerful as God.

What can I say?

Your hate got to him in an hour,

and all this love of 20 years
still hasn't reached him.

Bad news travels fast.

Hatred is stronger than love.

You're still moving
to the village with us.

That dump with no internet?
As if!

- The madhouse, then.
- Ha-ha.

- What are you doing?
- We have to pack them!

- Nothing leaves here!
- Suit yourself.

- I'll miss you, Uncle.
- Bye.

Please keep the place clean!

A real estate agent will come.

Hey, wait!

Accept it, you'll be moving
to the village in two weeks.

Your place is kinda cramped.

Can't you throw out this nightstand?

We need more space,
this barely fits one person.

We'll manage.

I love how you eat, kitty.

Take this olive from my mouth.

I haven't done stuff
like this before, Charlie.

The Divine Byzantine Rite.

Here, it's for you.

"Romantic fantasies!
Burning passion! Sizzling hot!"

"Come put us out! Sexy!"

I let a friend bring sluts here.
He's married.

Where do you sleep?

In the market, I'm friends with the guard.

You think I'd bring sluts here?

You're all serious, I like that.

We match, you know.

Thanks.

How about some action?

I'm worried.

Where's the condom?

I can't feel a thing with that on.

Ciao!

Fine, but turn off the light.

Whatever you want!

Oops!

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie!

Move!

Let yourself go.

What are you doing?

Oh, yeah.

You like it, huh.

You like it?

Sure you like cock?
You haven't touched it.

Let yourself go.

Sexy Charlie!

At the orphanage, when
we saw a nice lady in the street,

we'd fight over
whose mother she should be.

You know how the food there smelled?

Worse than hospital food.

We'd pass by restaurants and think
that's what home cooking must smell like.

You know why I fell in love
with the girl before you?

Her house smelled of food.

Sure, the bitch was a good fuck,
but the smell of cooking got me sprung.

I can't cook.

You can learn.
No one was born an expert.

God, how I suffered for that bitch!

I'd cry in the market.

"That'll be five lei,"
and I'd burst out crying.

I kept drinking.

One night,

I wanted to slit my wrists.

My friends found me and saved me.

They found me aged,
my hair had gone gray overnight.

I'm talking serious stuff.
A film. A man's life.

I tried too.

Also for love.

For who?

Who else? Boban!

For that mummy?
Stuff him and put him in your livingroom!

I want a good girl to have children with.

if I had known you've been with others...

What do you believe in?

Nothing.

You must believe in something.

Something worth
sacrificing everything for.

Me, I didn't believe in magic until
I cursed Boban and he broke his back.

Now I'm afraid to think ill of anyone.

Nonsense. I only believe in myself.

That singer of yours can suck me!
I had nightmares about him.

I'd love to see that!

See what? Him sucking me off?

You sucking him off!

God forbid!

A guy at the orphanage
tried to make me suck his.

He was huge, but I beat him to a pulp.

Charlie!

Why the rotten look?

You can't fool me!
You only love that old fart.

It doesn't add up.
You're shit at math.

- What's 4 times 2?
- 8.

Multiplication by 2?

What about 7 times 8?

Maybe she got confused,
I couldn't watch her all the time.

Oh well.

Go home, you're losing me money.
I have to keep watching you.

Business is for people with brains,
not potato-heads!

- Is she that clueless?
- She needs to learn.

"Cut the beef into pieces,
put to boil in 2 liters of cold water."

Beef?

Well, we have no beef.
Come on!

Potatoes, potatoes.

How many potatoes?

[Artist Brings Something New?]

Dear friends, I am Evelina Bevis,
very happy to meet you again

on the show In the Name of Love.

Next to me tonight is
young artist Vera Pop.

So you fled from
your country through Yugoslavia

and settled in Canada.

I was four years old when I left,
it took us three tries to succeed

crossing the Danube
in an inflatable boat.

It was snowing that night,
we were saved by a miracle.

People in our refugee camp
listened to a lot of Balkan music.

- Boban was the soundtrack.
- Unbelievable!

And now you're his opening act.
Your life is a film!

How is your collaboration with Boban?

He loved my song Free Love,

for its rhythm and happy mood,

and...

we ended up collaborating.

She's your mystery lover in Romania?

I think we're very compatible -

You skirt-chaser!

- our tastes and desires match.

Should I curse you again?

I have so much to learn from him -

Vera Pop!

Let's see.

Ever met a man so jealous
they'll come to the loo with you?

I heard this one guy asked
his bride to quit her job,

he was that jealous.

Jealousy kills!

If you're a singer, I'm a top model!

You wig-wearing skank!

Enough!

I don't understand shit.

Boban, I froze in the market today.

Forgot my multiplication table.

You want me to end up in the village?
How will I talk to you with no internet?

Why won't you say anything?

You're angry because
I broke your back, I know.

"Stela!"

Yes?

"This is a good guy!
He wants to have children with you!"

He's stingy!
And he talks bullshit.

I only love you.

"Stela!

Stela!

I don't have all day for you,
I need to talk to all my lady fans!

Now I'm busy with this
big-titted Timișorean, Vera Pop."

You've had other lovers!

"Stela, they were all ephemeral!

I've been talking to you
since you were 12."

Right.

I've had enough!

Blood is thicker than water.
Timișoara women should stick together.

"Vera, what do you know about jealousy?

I am a jealous monster.

Out of my way, smallfry!"

Enter.

You want war? Tell me!

Should I break your back too, Vera Pop?

"You must connect me to Boban.

I didn't know my own strength until I
cursed him and broke his back!!!!!

I find it hard not to wish
a misfortune on you too.

Help me apologise to him.

Tomorrow I'll send you a letter,
pass it to him!"

Enter.

"Here's my number:

0728 072 365"

Enter.

"Dear Boban, I fell in love with you
on the 26th of December 1986 around 2 p.m.

I was 12."

I saw you on the little
black & white TV and that was it.

For Boban.

And for me.

May that bitch connect me with Boban.

A bad omen!

I searched for you in any man I've met,

and I only liked men
who looked at least 1% like you.

I figured, if you wish hard enough,
the universe will help you get your wish.

But soon, in 1986, I realised
that I cannot live without you.

So I tried to kill myself,
but I only wanted to do that three times.

In October 1992,

"on the 11th of May 1993,
and in November 2000."

Miss, leave that poster alone!

I'm warning you, this is vandalism.
It's there for a reason!

Lord, give me strength
against every obstacle,

and forgive them, Lord,
for not understanding me!

Forgive Mr. Policeman.
God bless.

"The first two times I had no courage,

and the third time I had no luck.

I was 12 then.

I saw" -
Give me a freaking break!

"I...

I saw you...

on the little...

black...

and white...

I saw -"

"TV"...

Hi.

Your uncle told the agency
you had vacated the apartment.

"I may not look super-hot,

parts of me are even
spectacularly lousy (destiny).

You happen to like beautiful women.

I'm so sorry I hurt you
'cause of my jealousy."

The neighborhood’s full of Gypsies.

And the apartment is filthy.

Could you knock at least
20 euros off the rent?

Just go to Beverly Hills then!

What? You're girls, you can sweep!

I'm sorry.

I apologise, there's been
a misunderstanding.

I'll call the owner.

"I'm so sorry I hurt you
'cause of my jealousy.

- I wrote to you to apologise -"
- Hello?

There's a young lady in the apartment!

Didn't you say it had been vacated?

That's what I'm telling you,
it hasn't been vacated!

The young lady is
right here, in the apartment.

So what do we do?

They can wait two more days!

Come on!

She's throwing us out now.

"I wrote to you to apologise
for cursing you to break your back.

But be grateful I didn't curse you
to lose your manhood, quit music

and take up theology, like Abelard.

I've tried to become better.

For instance, I had wild sex
with a boy as ugly and poor as me,

so I can accept God made poor people
so they can have sex among themselves.

God, Boban,

when I saw Florin Salam kiss you,
I was even jealous of a married Gypsy man.

Now I say St. Anthony's prayer
against jealousy daily,

and keep away from the internet
and your prodigious sex life.

Forever (not) yours,
As you wish,

Stela.

Come on, Boban,
say something, it won't kill you!

Help me out!

I don't want to hurt anyone again.

Say something, anything.

"Forever (not) yours, As you wish..."

Stela.

Fuck off, it got rented!

Whoa!

I thought we broke up.

Women don't dump Charlie.
Charlie dumps them.

So dump me.

This life's shit, old man.

You didn't want my babies,
you want this old fart's?

Charlie, are you out of your mind?

Such a woman I had!
So neat, so nice.

I was such an idiot!
You really don't want me back?

Yeah, I'm positively gutted.

Just let me hold you one last time.

I deserve that much.

Then hug me and leave.
Seriously, Charlie!

Thought you'd get cock today?
Trick me out of my money?

I gave you a mercy fuck once,

so you wouldn't die
without seeing a good cock.

Here, have some Pops,
it's on me!

Where's the laptop?

Right.

Brave Romanian soldiers,
Fight across the mountains,

To arms, men, with flowers and joy...

Burn in the pits of hell!

Die!

To hell with you.

Die!

Die.

Boban broke my heart.

He had a concert here.
Did you go?

He didn't look into my eyes once.
I worked two months for the ticket.

Big deal!

I stole my uncle's pension
that my whole family lives out of.

Stealing from your own family home?

You Romanians are a filthy race!

Get lost!

I got the apartment from the State.

I told the factory director
"Dickwad, I have two daughters.

I'm entitled to an apartment!
I'll report you to the Party!"

Uh-oh!

Wait!

Come back, Ceaușescu, and see
how this country's ended up!

It's in pieces!

Stela, your phone's ringing.

Your phone!

- I'm Vera.
- Stela.

Your powers are so great
you made Boban break his back?

Did you curse me too?

No.

- Sure, sure.
- I swear!

What do you even want from him?

I want to love him.

Is that all you can give him? Love?

Money? I don't have any.

You can give him a lot more.
You're smart.

Smart?
How do you know I'm smart?

- It's how you write.
- Well, I am a Philology graduate.

You're funny.

Me and my friends couldn't wait for
your mean Facebook comments.

I want to be good and stop hating.

I want to be good and stop hating.

I believe we each have some special gift.

Writing is your gift.

You could use that.

I think a book would impress Boban.

Say what?

I'll promise to think of how
to connect you, so promise you'll write.

Just make it...

Make it funny, nothing about
curses, suicides, depression...

Don't say you feel guilty
that you made him fall from a tree.

No one wants to be with sad people.

People avoid negative energy,
he'd run off if he heard that...

you're depressive.

It only works while it's plugged in.

For the internet.

[The Longest Dream]

[by Stela Popovici]

Dear Boban,

Have you sent me an angel
to keep me in touch with you?

How can I thank you?

- Who's that woman?
- She's crazy.

- What does she want?
- For me to write!

- Did she give you the laptop?
- A laptop!

Money, too.

Maybe she's a lesbian.

There are decent people in this world.

How much did she give you?

That's my business.

What does the idiot want from me?
Why is she making me write?

I'm a city girl!

"Village Life", featuring Stela Popovici.

Ste-la Po-po-vici...

When I was humiliated

at the market...

Hush!

Stela, won't you call Vera,
ask her to send us some money?

I'm thirsty.

Get me a glass of water.

Leave Stela alone,
can't you see she's writing?

I'm trying to!

Hello?

- Yes, Vera.
- Are you writing?

I have about eleven pages.
Wrote two today.

I found you a publisher,
he seems interested.

Inspiration, focus...

- It's rather -
- Can you hurry up the writing?

No, it's chaos here!

But I'm writing.

Fine, I'll send you money
to come to Bucharest.

I'm writing, Vera, I am.

The window with the rainbow flag.
That's where I live.

From the temple of gods
I have brought the fire of passion.

This has all you need,
even a fridge full of food.

You don't pay rent,
I'm paying the utilities.

The girls have put together a box
with clothes and perfumes for you.

See how you like it.

I have extracted
nature's most precious elixir.

We have to sell these products.

We have intimate wash,

intimate cream,

lubricating oil,

and condoms.

Me? For this job?

I had sex, sure.
Didn't blow my socks off.

You call that thing with Charlie sex?

Boban or nothing.

My most faithful friend.

We're inseparable.

It's yours, doll.

It's been used!

You think Boban's hasn't?

It's like I'm living a dream.

I've had nothing but bad luck.

Sometimes I think God
hates the poor and loves the rich,

but in his great mercy,
he doesn't kill them,

just feeds them enough to keep them alive.

You anarchist!

Think of me as
an instrument the Universe gives you

to connect you with Boban.

God took our house,

got my mother full of cancer,

sent us to the village
to shit in the outhouse.

No tears, please,
you'll ruin your makeup.

When have you last read
a book that fascinated you?

No human hates reading.

Some just haven't
found the right book yet.

I have here two special guests,

Mr. Florin Bobonete,
Minister of Defence -

Glad to be here.

And Mr. Felix Gordea
from Sagittarius A Publishing,

which specializes in geopolitical topics.

Thank you.

This is the book of the day,

Behind the Scenes of
the Bucharest NATO summit.

Such beauty!

I'd love to stay,
but I need to be in Târgoviște!

Bye!

Phone!

Splendor in the grass!

You must be Boban's nun.

- Stela.
- Nice to meet you. Call me X.

You're unchanged.

- How have you been?
- Busy with music.

- Had concerts in Hong Kong and Macau.
- Respect!

- Careful, the People's Republic -
- So?

Will you take Stela's book,
or should she try China?

It seems smoking finally got me.
Doctors say I don't have long.

Maybe seven months.

That's terrible.

I really feel bad.

My assistant is taking over,
I'm done with the publishing house.

- You don't feel sorry for me?
-Yes, I feel sorry.

Have you read Stela's writings?

The man is on IVs,
in no state to read.

Frankly, she has good style.

But who wants to read about
suicide and all that misery?

- Who would buy it?
- I certainly wouldn't.

I'd pay 5 lei tops for a book.

- See?
- You're right, Sir.

Please, call me by my name, no Sirs.

Maybe we could meet
when I finish my IVs.

I'm out! Ciao!

X!

Dream about suicide,
blackmailing with suicide...

Just do it already, honey.

Your depressive mood
is rubbing off on me.

Returning me to my cocoon stage.

I should've sent you to a therapist,
not a publisher.

What's gotten into her?

"I suffer from insomnia too.

Maybe I should...

try seeing Romeo and Juliet too."

Hey!

Sorry. Thank you for coming.

- How were the blood test results?
- Let's not.

How is your job going?

All peace and realism.

If it wasn't for all the sex talk,
it would be awesome.

- I know what you mean.
- I think sex is overrated.

It's so much nicer
to chat and talk with a friend.

This British friend of mine always says

"Sex is for showing off.
Wanking is for pleasure!"

Brits are honest.

Do you know,

when I read those excerpts from your book,

I told myself
"Stay away, the woman's nuts."

But you're much nicer in reality.

And with my health,
I must admit a meeting like this

feels like a sign from destiny.

I'm so fed up with this book.

Please, convince Vera it's bad
so she'll give up.

I'll be honest.
Your book didn't convince me.

I'm no fan of this new autofiction fad.

I'm a respectable publisher -
history, political memoirs.

Sure, some are written
by my father-in-law's military cronies.

Thank you.
That's what I wanted to hear.

But you have a special language sense.

Trust me, even translators
with massive experience lack it.

Forget the book Vera told you to write,
just come translate for me!

She's done so much for me.

And she's alone, poor thing.

When her Chinese sponsor quits,

and the EU grant ends,
what will you do?

- Go back to your village?
- I'll stay to turn off the lights.

But you need a safety net!

Hard times are coming!

The Americans live off Chinese loans.

The London stock exchange
took a nosedive.

We have a hell of a crisis coming.

May I put a hand around your shoulders?

And 3, 2, 1...

It is Valentine's Day.

We dedicate this song
to all the lovers in the world.

From Boban and his band
to another Balkanic artist,

Goran Bregović.

When your hand was down on my dick,

It felt quite amazing.

And now that death is all over,

All we've got is the silence.

In the deathcar,
We're alive.

"Fuck me before death fucks us both."

Your message sounded quite urgent.

Existentially urgent, even.

Well, while you're still alive.

Do I undress?

Whatever you feel like.

I'm ashamed with myself,
so old and fat.

That's not true.

- You're a handsome man.
- You think?

On a scale of 1 to Boban,
where do I rank?

No idea.

Robin Williams!

Who's your favourite writer?

Henry Miller.

Yours?

Dostoevsky?

Respect!

Do I take them off or do you?

- Forget about them.
- What if they burn?

Careful!

I'm not so experienced.
My ex said I was a disaster in bed.

He did?

I haven't done it in 100 years,
I forgot how it goes.

Do you think that wonder gel works?

This one?

Holy...

Is this supposed
to get on my penis?

For real?

It's for massage and... yes, for...

for masturbation, for... the penis.

Let's try it.

The torture instruments people invent
to complicate their sex lives!

Should I masturbate you?

Damn, it won't respond to input!

Maybe oral?

I've never done oral before.

Then I'm at a loss here.

It was Vera's stupid idea
that we have sex to get closer.

Then Vera should
come fix our problem!

It's my fault!

When things get to sex,
it all goes to hell in a basket.

A guest who is both
a singer and a shaman.

Ladies and gentlemen,
let's welcome Vera Pop!

But seriously.

You feel you're a real artist.

But many people here think
you just want to be on TV in sexy clothes.

You give off that impression,
so let me ask you:

Is it all for the money?

She's doing it for the show.

Vera, what is
your message to our viewers?

Beside sex.

Now I'm helping a young woman
publish her first novel.

- The saviour complex.
- How nice of you!

Publishers, please
contact me during the break.

Miss Vera, the artist whose butt
is as worn as the Rock of Ages,

You said, in Canada,
if a woman stays with only one man,

she must be insane, not right in the head.

That's not your only disgusting statement.

You actually disgrace Romanian women!

Please mind your language, Sir.

Well, what I think is...

It's unacceptable for an EU country

to have such well-behaved women.

Among our women,
infidelity is almost nonexistent.

You belong on a street corner, not on TV!

We're known for this contrast
between women and men.

Beautiful women, but ugly men
with Europe's smallest penises!

Even in Asia -

If I may.

- Where did you get those statistics?
- Please, listen.

"World Data Info International
Penis Size", should I translate?

South Korea, 13.16.

China, 13.07.

Romania:

12.73!

Isn't it sad when
you can't see it over your belly?

That's enough!

Silence her mic!

Outrageous!

- Vera.
- Please.

- My penis is 25 cm!
- Aw, how cute!

You can check after the show.

Maybe it'll grow until then.

Vera!

We're getting heated here.

- ...only with rich men.
- Excuse me?

Now, let's not offend our audience.

That was charitable of you,
Mary Magdalene!

Really charitable!

Take Cuba, where women
sleep around uninhibited.

Isn't it scandalous that
we're behind a Communist country?

Why have people
died in the Revolution, then?

Why have we joined the EU, then?

Sure, even before Communism,
Cuba was the US' whorehouse,

with a wonderful tradition.

What can we offer Europe?

Why should our women die unfulfilled,

by the side of ugly men
with Europe's smallest penises?

I hope EU membership
will grant us the title we deserve:

Whorehouse!

Have sex!

Unbelievable!

Come here so everyone can see!

He wants to show it to me!

We're sorry.

You have reached a number that has been
disconnected or is no longer in service.

If you feel you have
reached this recording in error,

please check the number
and try your call again.

Hello?
Is this Sagittarius A Publishing?

Yes, please?

X, is that you?

I'm Stela.

Hello, hello.
Gotta go, Buffalo!

X? Hello?

[Sagittarius A Bookstore]

Yes, things got complicated.

It's an extra requirement.

Can't be helped.

It's the same everywhere, trust me.

Call any printing company you want.

Not a chance.

Trust me.

Alright, email me the rest.

- I'm going upstairs.
- Boss!

Hi, guys.
Are those all the issues?

- Where are you going?
- Sagittarius A.

Just a second, I need to check.

I'm a translator and I brought the book.

Yes, a translator brought a work.

- What's your name?
- Adela Ionescu.

Book title and author?

Ah, yes, here it is.

Dean K-E-A-T-C-H,

Freemasonry and the
Videlberg Group: A Hidden History.

About 1.70, brown eyes,
a mole on her left cheek.

I'm sorry,
the publishing house can't see you.

[Broadcast interruption
Our apologies]

Dear Mr. X, I'm working for a small
publishing house in Germany, Textramen.

It is my understanding
that you hold the publishing rights

for Mr. Florin Bobonete's book
Behind the Scenes of the NATO Summit.

Could we arrange a meeting to discuss

the possible publishing
of the book in Germany?

Best wishes, Hendrik Lacus.

Just five minutes, please,

our director has to
sign some paperwork

and the meeting is taking a little longer.

Yeah, yeah.

I had forgotten about
the picturesque chaos of the Balkans.

We sincerely apologise,
this is beyond our control.

The delay is caused
by the bookshop chain.

Not my first time here.

It's all part of the Oriental charm
of this corner of Europe.

Mr. Lacus, nice to meet you.

I have a cold!

Take a seat.

We Germans have a saying:

One meeting face-to-face is
better than two days of phone calls.

It's a good way to do things, yes.

So, I'm glad Mr. Bobonete agreed

with our proposal for
the number of books and royalties.

Yes, Mr. Bobonete is very happy
to be translated in German.

- I thought it's only of local interest.
- It's even more than that.

Our Ministry of Foreign Affairs
is especially interested

in Mr. Bobonete's book.

Particularly in the details regarding...

the meetings with the Russian delegates.

Can we have some privacy?

Yes, sure.

Please give us a minute.

So, you think you can negotiate a meeting
between our embassy and Mr. Bobonete?

Yes, of course, I will talk to him.

Of course, of course.
I'm Stela, idiot!

Why did you block me?
Think I'm a people-eater?

Come on, girl.

I wanted to tell you that
I'm so damn sorry for that night.

You've been hounding me for days.

Don't you get it? I have a family,
a wife, a father-in-law.

- Why do you all think I'm crazy?
- I don't!

You're just being obsessive.

Call the driver, please.

Mr. Bobonete is delighted
to be translated into German.

I don't see why he wouldn't agree,
considering his strong pro-NATO options.

The driver?

I'm so sorry, I -

Our discussion has revealed to me
a strong convergence of interests.

I would go as far as to call it
a special chemistry between us.

- I hope we meet again one day.
- It's all possible, my dear sir!

Enough!

Dear Stela, we're making
some changes to our business.

Sending you to Moldova Nouă
to work for my sis.

There you'll have time for your book."

Now she sends me to her parents'
sanatorium to get my shit together.

I don't want to think bad about Vera,
I don't want to curse anyone else.

But thoughts go where they want,

you can't control them.

This apartment has a weird vibe.
I don't feel good here.

You think?
On the contrary.

Just look at the Danube!

My sister and I felt
better here than in Canada.

I'll go crazy in here,
I'll slit my wrists.

Here is some money for you.

Take it as start-up aid.

When you lock up,
pull at the handle a bit.

It's just a little broken.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- What's up?
- All good.

- Still looking awesome.
- Thank you.

Now pull up on the handle. Up.

You'll manage. See you.

Chin up, things aren't
as bad as they seem!

My test results are fine,
but I feel terrible.

My back is killing me.

It's somatisation.

Time cures everything,
especially love.

Go outside, walk through
the virgin nature here.

What virgin nature?

There's radioactive dust from
the old uranium mines, I read about it.

Full of cancer.
The Serbian shore too.

They exaggerate on TV.

Relax, you'll feel good here.
Consider yourself part of the family.

Gabi, food is ready!

Can you sweep?

- I'm hungry as a wolf!
- Enjoy!

How's our Little Red Riding Hood?

I laughed at your joke. Happy?

[Boban's Boo-Boo All Gone!]

[Boban recovered!
Now warming up for his Belgrade concert!]

[Can sex stop the inflation?
Vera's business - bankrupt]

[Kicked out of the Freemasonry]

[Kicked out!]

Vera...

Vera!

Fuck off.

[Border Police]

You're reenacting how you escaped
over the Danube during Communism?

Yes.

- Going in the water?
- Yes.

- You're not allowed.
- Why not?

EU orders, Miss, no arguing.

Fine, we'll stay on the shore
and change the script.

With this crisis,
migrant smugglers went amok.

It's their one source of income.

Besides, they've announced strong winds.

Let's get filming, please.

- Vera, want a massage?
- Yes!

Let's get rolling.

- Want me to fix your back?
- I'll just take a pill.

I'm the best there is.
The town women beg me for a massage.

No, thanks.

Where doctors are helpless,
village witches help.

Say...

Vera's taking you to Boban's concert.

Yeah, right.

Here's one.

Let's get shooting, please.

Vera?

I had to send this report on the company.

The company is dead and buried.

Now people are reluctant
to even leave tips at bars.

That job wasn't for me.

I told you, at most I can translate books.

Was I supposed to start
a publishing house for you?

You insisted on me having sex with X.
Now the toy's broken.

Your obsession broke it.
When you get it, you're like dynamite.

You should have stayed out.

But no, you were all on my case
about trauma and blockages.

When has fucking become mandatory?

Has it ever crossed your mind
some people just have a lower libido?

OK.

I admit I was wrong.

Look, Mona gives you 800 lei a month.

Plus another 800 in moral damages from me.

Not much, I know, but
I'm not doing great myself right now.

They're so beautiful.

I need money.

Lots of money.
To go home to my family!

Good luck.

- When will you finish the book?
- Like I care about that!

I'm growing,
making money left and right!

I just needed a friend.

I'm only pissed because you tricked me
about taking me to meet Boban.

Noted.

I swear I'll take you to Boban.
I pay that debt and we're done.

Girls, seriously!
The baby just fell asleep.

My back hurts.

You could make a future for yourself here.

Go out in town, make a baby.

Of course!

Gabi likes you a lot.

That stubborn idiot!

I haven't come from Bucharest
to hook up with a broke Gypsy.

To pile failure upon failure.

What's up, beautiful?

I'd feel honored.
Women go crazy for Gabi.

Yeah, and you're
a depressive, moody girl.

Gabi is the optimistic
boy with a big heart.

What are you staring at?

The Diva doesn't want Gabi.
She's after Boban or Mr. Publisher.

Look at how you look!
Get a grip already.

- Vera!
- Fine, I get it!

I'm ugly as fuck, he's first-class.
Am I allowed not to like him?

Just what I needed!

What did I do to upset you, Cinderella?

These crazy women keep bugging me all day.

They want to hook me up with you.

If it's an order from above,
we have to comply, right?

They were on a client's table.

I take from the rich and give to the poor.

Relax.

We can lie to them.

Pretend we hooked up and shut them up.

You call me "baby" around the house,
but we stay brother and sister.

Don't you dare
make a move on me, though!

Say, since they want us together,

how about we make their dream come true?

We hold an engagement party
with paid invitations.

Like, we tell them we're
raising money to move in together?

Why not?

They should pay up if they want
us to act out their fantasy.

Sneaky, sneaky.

They want me to get a family? Fine.

But they should pay up
if they want me to perform.

Yeah.

Gotta go, I need to trim the rose bushes.
So my ladies don't snag their stockings.

Damn crisis, keeping me here.

Aren't you my pretty little neighbour?

So what?

- Have a beer with me.
- No way.

Say, do you have someone?

You want to see me
married in this shitty town too?

Oh my, so you want adventure?

No.

Since I was 12, I've loved Boban.

I'll be damned!
Haven't seen his car around here.

Where do you keep him hidden?

Are you the local police?

As a jobless bum,
you have time for investigations.

When I'm not here, I work
on this guy's farm in Germany.

Cut the bullshit.

I doubt you're shoveling dirt
with those dainty fingers.

They're not in your pockets,
so what do you care?

Dainty fingers or not, Vera often
asks me to fix things at her place.

Man's work, leaky pipes and stuff.

I'm not allowed to touch a thing,
it's like a memorial home.

Don't forget my beer.

Why do they keep you in that house?

As Virgin Mary, to cast out evil spirits?

Are you the town's gossip?

You know why they moved to Canada?

And why they came back?

They were starving there.

- Don't touch me.
- They were broke!

They took out shady loans
and brought the money to Romania.

- You don't have...
- What?

You don't have Vera's beauty,
no point trying to imitate her.

Fuck off, loser!

What she has isn't contagious!

Vera!

Vera!

Go away!

- Leave me alone!
- Vera...

Go away, I have a boyfriend!

I'm Gabi's girlfriend, leave me alone!

Mrs. Pop sent you some soup,
it would have gone off in her fridge.

I got all scratched up at work.

Was it worth it?

How cute.

A jerk in the block keeps stalking me.

The wanker next door?

He's all bark and no bite.

He was supposed to be in Germany by now.

Handsome man.

Got any song of Boban's?

Yeah.

I'm better now.

That wanker's driving me up the walls.

I'm even tired of Boban.
I need a break from the relationship.

He's grown old.

Think that old fart
understands modern Gypsies?

You cheating on me, Teddy Bear?

I take you to bed with me
and you're after men?

Don't worry, it doesn't hurt.

See? God sent me to you.

First time's free,
normally I charge 300 lei. Moisturizer?

In the bathroom, on the shelf.

- Your lady clients love you, huh?
- It's my magic little hands!

Wow, that's so good.

Better pray my hands stay safe and sound.

Your hands, huh?

Get up.

Finished?

Twist your back.
Does it hurt?

Not at all.

Listen.

Can I be in your book?

Cross my heart,
I'll give you a happy ending.

Happy ever after
with no money for food?

Just joking, Cinderella.
I don't want to hurt you.

You're too young for me, silly!

The moment ladies see my hand...
If you see it, you'll fall on your ass.

I told you, I don't like you!

Really, should I leave now?

Drop it, it's just a cock.
It can't be magical.

Come on, fuck me!

Why won't you fuck me?

I just need to sleep with someone.

These women are nuts.

They want us to hook up?

Sorry, but you're
really not interested in cock.

Now I see why you're
saving up to go to your parents.

I can't go back with nothing
after living in Bucharest

and bragging that I'm killing it there.

Romanians.

You go to your family
to show off, not to complain.

Even they won't
take you back with no money.

They fed me until 35, isn't it enough?
Without money, I can't go home.

How much did you save?

1 800.

But it's like I'm paddling upstream,

and with this inflation,
savings just dry up.

- You need it to go to London.
- Don't you worry.

My clients pay me more lately.
No idea where they get it.

From us.
A housewarming gift.

You are our family.

Oh my God!

Look, a ticket to
Boban's concert in Belgrade.

From Vera.

Stela, there's your book ending.
Ask him whatever you want.

You have my blessing.

This cost 100 euros,
you should have given me the money!

The bastard!

People can barely live,
and he doubles ticket prices.

Screw him!

We should at least all go poor.
I lose, you lose.

No one goes home sad.

Here's to Boban's success!

May we all have it just as bad.

Let's go.

Double whiskey!

I admire the tenacity
and work power of the Chinese people.

In Europe, I think
people complain too much.

Economically speaking,

it is admirable how you managed
to go through the crisis unaffected.

From my point of view,

not Israel,

China is the chosen people!
China is the future!

I don't discuss politics,
I'm a businessman.

He's like Jackie Kennedy Onassis,
he only likes rich and powerful men.

Let's not waste time. I'd like
to invite you and Vera to my reality show.

You'd make a wonderful couple.

She's doing pop music.

I'm not sure we'd fit on the same stage.

I can help you launch a "Best Of".

Starting from the reality show.

I see what you mean.

My face no longer sells.

Even if I transform myself
into the God of the Old Testament.

I will think about it.

I look like an old whore.

More than a billion people.

Double than South America,
where the pockets are empty.

[Serbian:]

What about you, Stela?

Do you like Belgrade?

Say something, Stela!
Boban is here for you.

She met her God, Boban.
So please respect that.

OK. Moment of silence.

You will also sing one day.

I can't sing, I'm tone deaf.

You will sing one day!

Come on, Stela, be brave!

Ask Boban anything.

Do you have 500€ to give me?

Vera was right.
You're such a funny girl!

I miss you, you know.

I'd have loved to celebrate
the company's bankruptcy together.

Count me out.

I don't like funerals.

Neither do I.

Ladies and gentlemen,

an incredible tragedy
took from us, at only 34 years old,

singer and shaman Vera Pop.

Vera, who sang with musician Boban,
lost her life in a strange accident.

We will now go live with Vera's sister,

for an exclusive interview
with incredible details.

The drop in the Danube's level
has caused her things to resurface!

I've been called to confirm
that the suitcase and laptop are Vera's.

Considering this tragic accident

and her last post on social media,

do you believe there are
grounds for suspicion?

Some foul play?

Have sex, Stela.

We'll find you a man in your league.

Have sex, Stela.

Reproduce, Stela.

Be like the rest of the world.
Piling failure upon failure.

We're begging you, Stela.

Have sex, Stela.

Reproduce, Stela.

Come on, Stela.

Be like the rest of the world.
Piling failure upon failure.

It's not normal to be single.
It's not normal not to have sex.

You have a blockage, trauma.

Have sex, Stela.
We'll find you a man in your league.

We'll donate the wine and the candles.

We're here to help you.

Come on, we beg you.

We're here to help you.

Come on, we beg you.
Have sex, Stela. Reproduce, Stela.

Be like the rest of the world.

Piling failure upon failure.
It's not normal to be single.

It's not normal not to have sex.
You have a blockage, trauma, Stela.

Have sex, Stela!
We'll find you a man in your league.

We'll give you some pocket change,
donate the wine and candles.

An expensive perfume, too.

You have to put in some effort.

Come on, Stela.
Have sex, Stela. Come on.

Have sex, Stela.

We're here to help, Stela.

Come on, please.

Have sex, Stela, reproduce, Stela.
Be like the rest of the world.

There you go.

Pile failure upon failure.

Have sex, Stela.
It's not normal to be alone.

It's not normal not to have sex.
You have trauma, a blockage.

We'll find you a man in your league.

We'll give you some pocket change.

We'll donate the candles, the wine.
An expensive perfume, too.

Put in some effort.

Just let me be an old maid.

Let me be.

Shoo!

Go away!

Go away! Leave me alone!

Go away!

Hello.

I'm from the Moldova Nouă Border Police.

We found someone near the border
with your business card in her pocket.

We found her
in the water, in the Danube.

No, not blonde, she's dark-haired.

I see.
Are you a translator?

It's the publisher,
he wants to talk to you.

[Singer's Car Plunges into the Danube]

- Can I get another drink?
- No!

Who has the money?
Who wears the pants here?

You, my golden goose!

Dad, hold him for a bit.

Here, brother-in-law.

Sis...

For Vera and Mum, who raised us.

It's a shame she died so young.

Poor luck. Just like Mum.

Maybe they're both watching, saying
"Thank God you're all getting along!"

I wish Vera could give me a sign and say:

"it's OK, Stela, I know
you didn't mean it."

Another game, until lunch is ready?

- If you stop saying I'm bad at it.
- I will.

You get first roll.

1-1. Best opening roll.

I told her, she wins out of pure luck!

To hell with backgammon,
she should get that luck in life!

See, baby? That's backgammon.
Grandpa will teach you when you grow up.

You took two of mine out.
Have mercy on your old dad.

Silence! I need to focus.

[Have sex]