All language subtitles for Very Important People s03e14 Jane.eng

- Hi, I'm Chelsea Peretti,

and I'm here today to shoot
a little bit of MILF porn.

(upbeat music)

- [Vic] Today we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

They have no idea who or
what they're about to become.

Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up
a character on the spot.

- Wow.
(stylist laughs)

- [Vic] And then sit down with me

for an improvised interview.

- Oh my god.

(stylist laughs)

- [Vic] This is "Very Important People."

- Crazy. (laughs)

Now the horns is a little antisemitic,

but I feel like I'll take it.

(crew laughing)

(laughs) Just a typical Beverly Hills.

I would wear this to brunch.

Oh wow, I'm interconnected.

(French accent)
Welcome to my parlor.

This is a place for interstellar Parisians

to get to know each other a little bit.

Please, have a levitation.

(chuckles) Little interstellar humor.

If you do want a Coke,

it will be warm with one ice cube.

Welcome to Europe.

(Gruffly)
All right, kid, so here's the deal.

This is a sex ring. (chuckles)

(crew laughs)

You're not gonna like it, but...

No, this is inappropriate.

Okay.
(crew laughs)

(Sultry) I don't know what
gun you're talking about,

I'm a poison girl myself.

(Chelsea laughs)

Look, I can barely walk.

Mr. Bond,

I know that you're the
star 'cause you're a man,

but I wanted to say a
few words if I could.

I'll try to do it as sexily as possible.

Fuck me, Mr. Bond.

(Chelsea chuckles)
(crew laughs)

You know I've wanted you
for some time, Mr. Bond.

It's the only way to get
screen time in your films.

(Chelsea ululating)

Really boring, like, librarian.

It's just-
- [Crew] Oh yeah,

let's do that, and I think after that

we probably have enough.

- No, I'm gonna do 10 more.

(Chelsea chuckles)
(crew laughs)

I'm just kidding.

I don't even need to do that.

If you have what you need, I'm easy.

I'm easy. Spread the word.

(Chelsea laughs)
(crew laughs)

(upbeat music)

- Then there's Tamar, the director.

She's the reason that you're
here in the first place.

She wouldn't let me bring
my regular therapist

'cause he's a convicted felon and it just-

- [Therapist] Okay, I'm
gonna stop you right here.

This is your session, all right?

It's not about Tamar, it's about you.

- Okay, well, I think Tamar
has Munchausen's by proxy.

- [Tamar] I can hear you-
- 'Cause she's making me sick.

- [Tamar] Talk about my...

- Sorry.

- [Therapist] Don't do the face.

- What?

- [Therapist] Don't do the face.

It's not constructive, all right?

- [Tamar] And action.
- Okay, come on. Look at us.

Okay, well-
- [Therapist] Time's over.

- I'll see you later.

Save me a seat at lunch.

Okay.

We all have a story to tell,

and sometimes those
stories need to be shared

with the world.

Good evening.

I'm Vic Michaelis,

back with another edition
of "Very Important People."

Please introduce yourself.

- Call me Jane.

(inquisitive music)

- Jane, it is lovely
having you here today.

- Thanks for having me.

I have been around planet
Earth promoting this

fucking book

and this is my last stop.

- You're sort of breaking,

concluding your book tour

on "Very Important People"
of Vic Michaelis exclusive.

- Michaelis?
- [Vic] Michaelis.

You don't like that?

- To the alien tongue, it's
sort of like a rubbishy word.

- What does it mean in alien?

- Rubbish.
- So maybe we'll just go

by Vic.
- What is this guy?

- Oh, that's-
- Sick.

- It's for tissues. Would you like one?

- Oh, no, I'm good.

- [Vic] Okay.
- I don't have snot.

- You don't have snot at all?
- Dry as a bone.

- Don't wink. You're dry as a bone?

- Dry as an absolute fucking bone.

- So maybe there's a
difference between Earth

and your planet.

Dry as a bone normally is
kind of like a bad thing.

- Well, I'm an escort
and I do what I want.

- Okay, well, that's very interesting.

And that's actually what
your book is about, correct?

- Yeah.
- And what is the title of your book?

- "Die... or Fuck

Abroad."

And abroad is obviously a pun.

- Could we have a PA fly in the book?

Here we go.

(Chelsea purring)
Wonderful.

- Thank you.

- Oh, we're not allowed
to do that to PAs anymore.

Your book largely centers
around sex and pleasure.

Something that I think,

you know, is not discussed enough

in this day and age.
- Disgust?

Do you have a little
self-internalized disgust?

- Around?
- Sex.

It's common with humans.

- Oh, you know, I think
I'm very comfortable.

I like what I like.

- Let me see your genitals.

- My-

See my genitals?

- Yeah.
- Oh, so I don't know

if it's different.
- Let me take a peek.

- No, see, on Earth,

that's called an HR violation.

- He's got his pants off.

- Okay, well, he needs to put
his pants back on immediately.

And he's sort of a problem around here.

- Hmm.
- So can we get

an exclusive reading
of your first chapter?

- Yeah, I'll do a page
I never read before.

- Oh, wonderful.

- Imagine getting fucked.

- Okay.

- Your legs are over your
head bent like pretzels.

"Where am I," you keep shouting.

"Where am I?"

To no answer.

The being that is absolutely reaming you

is a color you've never seen before

and a texture you could never name.

This, my friend, is getting...

(Jane chuckles)

(Vic chuckles)
(audio beeping)

This, my friend, is
getting fucked by an alien.

- Thank you for that exclusive.

And I'm happy that we have you on today,

I'm sort of-
- Thank you.

- Getting myself back out there.

I'm recently divorced.

- Oh.
- And so when I saw your book,

I said we simply must
have her on the book tour.

Oh, are you writing this down?

- I do some notes. Yeah.
- Can I see what you wrote?

- Yeah.

- "HAGS, Vac."

Does that mean have a great
summer in alien as well?

- (laughs) Let's say yes.

- Okay, so it's Vic.
(Jane chuckles)

V-I-C.

And then you wrote just rubbish.

- That's how I-
- Remember it.

Because of the alien word-

- Yeah.
- [Vic] For that.

Okay, but that's sort of wonderful.

Maybe we'll put that down.

You know what? I ask everybody
some rapid-fire questions.

I was hoping I could ask
you some questions today.

- I would love it.

(mellow music)

- Jane, what were you like as a child?

- I was so tortured.

- Sure.
- I wanted so very badly

to recruit human beings to
go get fucked on my planet.

- That's why you're here today.

- [Jane] Yes.

My dream is to just export
human beings to my planet

to get killed or fucked.

- To get killed or fucked?

- Yeah, we do cannibal things.

One thing we believe is that
humans should die, because-

- Huh.
- They're ruining Earth

and we like Earth.

It's our playground.

- I don't think that we
should be killing people.

- It doesn't hurt,

and it's not like the kind of murder that-

- Dying doesn't hurt?
- [Jane] You're thinking.

The way we kill you, it feels,

it feels like getting fucked.

And the way that getting
fucked feels on our planet is,

it's excruciating.

- Like death? Okay, yeah.
- [Jane] Yeah.

- I'm gonna ask you another question.

Would you rather lose your
hair or sense of smell?

- These are sort of very human-biased.

- Do you not have a sense of smell?

And I see you sort of
have hair on your head.

- This looks like hair. Yeah.

- [Vic] What is it?
- It's a sex organ.

- In what way?

- [Jane] It's sort of like,

if you had a penis and a vagina,

and you diced it and sliced it

into a million little tiny tentacles.

- Okay, is it like a
pleasureful feeling for you?

- Yeah.
- Huh. Okay.

- But then, you get into
the sex, which hurts a lot.

- Sure.
- But the first part,

our foreplay,

we're known for our foreplay.

- So like, do you date,
I guess is my question.

- Buy my book.

- Buy Jane's book.

- Do you remember the name of my planet?

- I don't think you ever told me.

- It's a symbol.

- We have your planet
symbol here, actually,

if we wanna go take a look at that.

That's beautiful.
- [Jane] Dogshi.

- Is that how you pronounce that?

- [Jane] Yeah.
- Like it's dog shit.

- That's how it is in your language.

- Right.
- Well.

- [Vic] It sounds like,

even though you're here
literally promoting your planet,

you're spending so much time on Earth.

- Well, that's because I
had to meet Lauren Sanchez.

- What do you mean?

- She's my bestie.

- Jeff Bezos' wife, Lauren
Sanchez, is your best friend?

- Yeah.

- How did you two meet?

- In space, on one of her
missions with Caddy Perry.

- When she went up to
space with Katy Perry?

- Katy?

Oh fuck, I've been saying
Caddy this whole time

I've been hanging out with her.

- You're hanging out with her?

You hung out with them-
- Yes, she was singing

that horrible little song.

They approached me.

- Wow. Okay.

That is breaking news.

- You haven't watched
any of my interviews?

- You know,

somebody gave me a file
and I read that thoroughly.

- And they were like,

sklunk, sklunk, sklunk on my door.

- What? Is that-
- That's how we-

- You knock?

- Yeah, I opened the door hair first

and plunged straight into their genitals.

- And that's what they were hoping for?

- Of course.
- [Vic] Of course.

- It's Lauren Sanchez.

- Okay.
- [Jane] So she is like,

"Jane, come back to Earth

and change all these
human beings for good."

- So you're saying that
Lauren Sanchez came to you

to try and save planet Earth,

'cause her husband kind of like-

- No, not save planet Earth,

to export human bodies to my planet.

She was trying to make
more room for her and Jeff

to do parties.

- I see, so it's sort of
like different motives,

but sort of ends in the same place.

- I'm trying to kill
people, then fuck people,

and she's trying to get more space.

- Is it working? Are you
exporting a lot of people?

- Mm.

It could be better.

- Okay, well, I got
another question for you.

And you are gonna love this one.

Are you ready?
- Mm.

- What is your go-to recipe?

- Yeah, I like to always say
when I get asked that question-

- You've been asked that one before?

- Yeah.
- Well, I didn't finish,

actually-
- [Jane] It's funny.

It's like everyone kind of
thinks of the same stuff.

- Well, and you didn't let me finish.

- It's a smoothie, like, thing.

It's kind of like a mix of
like smoothie and oatmeal,

and beef.
- This one's unique.

Because I didn't finish the question.

(Jane groans loudly)

- [Vic] Okay.

- Golly gee willikers.
- [Vic] Hey, you know what?

How about this one?

And this one's actually pretty profound.

It's a question that I ask each
and every one of my guests.

And that is,

what is the meaning of life?

- Oh, golly gee

fucking willikers!

Oh, I've never done a walk-off.

Don't do it.

Don't fucking don't.
- Don't do it, don't do it.

No, hey, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- [Jane] No, no, no, no, no-

- No, it's okay.
- [Jane] No, no, no.

Trying to fucking take me out,

but I'm not going out like that!

- Hey.

(Jane imitates object warbling)

It was just sort of...
(Jane whistling)

What is that (slurping)?

Sorry, you were saying

that's how people knock on your planet.

Sounds like (slurping).
- Do you think

when someone encapsulates,
that means step closer?

- Oh, I didn't know.

(Jane groans)

I'll get back here.

(Jane vocalizing)

How about we just start over?
- [Jane] This is my last stop

on the tour, I gotta...

- You know what?

I can see that maybe me
asking questions is getting

a little bit stressful.

How about we have-
- Well, just

what is the meaning of life?

Hand it over, hand it over.

Hand me the answers, alien spirit.

Wah.

- Oh.
- [Jane] Uh, uh, uh.

- So, I sort of ask-
- I want answers.

- I sort of ask people
in like a general sense.

Do you have the actual meaning of life?

Is there one and you
have the answer to it?

- Okay.
- [Vic] Wait, no.

- Okay, just breathe, Jane.
- [Vic] Okay, no.

- [Jane] Breathe, Jane.
- [Vic] Okay, no.

- [Jane] You got it, Jane.

- [Vic] Jane.
(Jane making alien noises)

- [Vic] (whispers) Jane.

(Alien noises continue)

- [Vic] So if I-

How about this?

No more personal questions

and I won't ask another personal question.

Okay.
(Jane vocalizing)

And we've encapsulated again,

and I'm gonna give you so much space.

- [Jane] Just gonna scoot by.

Just scooting by.

- I think you're causing crisis here.

- [Jane] Going back in!

Whoa!
- [Vic] Okay.

And so, hey,

I promise no more personal questions.

And so maybe we start over.

- [Jane] I'm amenable to that.

- [Vic] Okay, and I'm gonna be chill.

I know this is the last stop on the tour.

I know we're really tired.

(phone rings)
Oh, okay, huh.

So this is perfect, actually.

We got some callers on the line

who have some questions for you,

if that's all right.

- Oh, that's fantastic.

(mellow music)

- [Vic] Caller number one,

you are on the line with Vic and Jane.

- [Caller 1] Hi, am I on?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

- [Caller 1] Great.

I'm tired of caring for my parents.

Do you offer gift certificates?

- Yes.

We like for visitors to be voluntary,

but Lauren Sanchez has been known

to pack a few humans into an aerial plane

and headed on up to our planet,

holding everyone hostage to the footage.

- And then sort of what
I'll say is that caring

for your parents as they
get older is a privilege.

- [Caller 1] I was asking Jane.

- Okay.
- Ah (laughs).

- We'll sort of move
on to the next caller.

Next caller, you're on with Vic and Jane.

- [Caller 2] What's
like the craziest thing

you've ever seen?

- One time,

I heard this from a friend

and then she showed me the video.

Is that good enough?

- [Caller 2] Yeah.
- And then for me,

I would say,

on a camping trip under
the stars, so there's-

- [Caller 2] I was asking Jane.

- Okay.
- Yeah, I was mid-sentence.

- And I apologize. (chuckles)

- My friend,

yeah, she showed me this video,

and it was really peculiar

because it looked like
a vat full of blood,

but it was this liquid that
we have on our home planet.

It's hard to describe,
but it's very blood-like.

But-
- No liquid in the body,

but liquid sort of on outside.

(Jane shushing)
Okay.

- And I never had seen it before.

And two human beings were bouncing in it

like ping-pong balls.

- In the liquid?

- Their butts were bouncing
up out of the liquid.

- Just their butts?
- And alien infested

inside of their butts.

And the human split
into a million penises.

And then they reconverged in the air,

forming a massive penis-based vagina.

And then that vagina sucked
up all the blood water.

And then they all did the
splits on their heads.

- [Caller 2] That's awesome.

- The video wasn't well-lit,

but it was so cool to see.

- [Caller 2] That's so cool to see.

- How a lot of porn is.

- And then for me,

I would say someone tried to get-

- [Caller 2] I was asking Jane.

- Okay.
(Jane groans)

So maybe we'll move on to the next caller.

All right, you're on with Vic and Jane.

- [Caller 3] Speak to representative.

- Yes.

Yes, I would like to.
- Oh.

No, no, so sorry.

Sorry, no, you're on a talk show

with Vic Michaelis and Jane.

- [Caller 3] Hi, I'm
calling to dispute a charge.

- Okay.
- Well, I'm sorry, for what?

Is it for dog-
- [Caller 3] There's a charge-

- Dog shit sex planet?

- [Caller 3] It's for $18.63.

- Okay.
- No, this is not

a credit card company.
- I'll put it back on your...

What did you pay with?

- [Caller 3] This is on my Visa.

- Okay, I can do it.

- [Caller 3] Okay.
- Do you see it coming back?

- [Caller 3] It was just
refunded. Thank you so much.

I see it refunded.
- [Jane] No problem.

- How did you do that?

- Well, all the tech people are aliens.

- [Caller 3] Thank you.
- Oh, I see.

Thank you for calling in

and thank you to all of
our callers on the line.

I think we are wrapping
that out for the day.

- [Jane] Yeah.
- Do you have anything else

you'd like to say to the fans at home?

- Oh, I just love you
and I need your bodies.

- Okay.
- [Jane] It's something that,

if I don't do it, I'll be honest with you.

Lauren Sanchez is gonna
grind me up into paste.

- So she's sort of
threatening your life also?

- Her and Caddy.

Listen, I don't even
wanna really kill anyone

or fuck anyone.

I'm asexual.

- Really?

- [Jane] Yeah.
- Your whole thing is

having sex with people and killing people.

- For money.

- [Vic] Well, what do
you wanna be doing then?

Do you like writing books?

Because you've written so many books.

We can take a look at
some of the titles here.

- Yeah.
- [Vic] So, of course, we have

"Die or Fuck Abroad."
- [Jane] "Die or Fuck Abroad."

Yeah.
- And you did a prequel

to that book that you wrote first.

- [Jane] "Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck."

- [Vic] "Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck."
- [Jane] "Die Die Die Die."

- [Vic] "Die Die Die."

You did sort of like a
teen fictionalized version

of the planet.

"Planet of Kisses."

That one's pretty cute, sort of the-

- That was to lure teens.

- To lure teens to the planet?

- My heart wasn't in that one though.

It's like,

I don't know.

I kind of wanna write a book of poems.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- What kind of poems are you into?

- You know, like sort of Victorian feeling

and just about flowers,

and just bosoms.

- I hope this isn't prying,

but when you were in your trailer earlier,

somebody caught a video of you

reading one of your poems out loud.

- Oh boy.
- [Vic] I'm gonna take a peek

at that.

- For what is a flower

that doth quiver in the light,

doth it fuel me with sadness,

doth it fuel me with fright.

When pricked does blood
drip down from my skin

or does it never happen

and the blood stays within?

For a bird must fly twofold by night.

But me,

I remain full of aforementioned fright.

It doesn't seem to matter
who cares or who knows

when I'm in my garden
sniffing a sweet rose.

Yeah, that's good.

- Wow. Okay.

That was beautiful!

You could absolutely make a book of poems.

- Oh my god, you are so up.

- Oh, thank you.

Yes, that's something
I've been working on.

'Cause they say, if you are sad,

if you smile long enough,

you will send neurons to your brain

that basically say you're not sad,

you're smiling, you're happy.

The lines going up on
your face will physically

draw your body upwards.

You know what I mean? And
it'll draw it upwards.

And you'll sort of be like,
"I'm having a good time.

I'm feeling happy right now."

See, you can see the
crew all smiling here.

This is the thing that
we work on during lunch.

Oh my god.

Oh my god. Okay.

Okay.

Is this happening?

Is this happening right now?

Okay.

Okay.

And then...

(lip smacks)

(Vic chuckles)

Okay, is that good?

Was that good for you?

And-
(Jane sighs)

(Vic sighs)

That was incredible.
- [Jane] Oh gosh.

Did I just go into rest mode?

When an alien from Dogshi gets overheated,

we just sort of lean forward

and we compress into sort of a rest mode.

And sometimes, it triggers things.

Did that happen?

'Cause I feel like I was so out cold.

- Kiss mode.

- Rest mode.
- Rest mode.

Right.

Okay.

Okay.
- Okay.

- Okay.

- Okay.
- I think...

Cut. I think we're done.

- What?
- This is so-

- You had all these little questions.

- No, ah, don't touch it. Don't touch me.

And so we'll sort of,

we bought and we got the, in your book,

so we can go ahead and do that.

- Hey, hey.
- This is amazing.

This is awesome, this is awesome.

You're tired, so you go to bed.

I'm gonna go to bed too in my own room.

- You had-
- Separately.

You go to your planet
and I'll be on mine here.

- What the hell is going on?

- I'm Vic Michaelis, reminding
you to be true to yourself,

unless you'd rather be somebody else.

Good night.

So just sort of...

- I'm sorry if I went into rest mode.

- Nah, and me too.

And I'm resting.

I'm gonna go back to my trailer.

Thank you for coming on the show.

Thank you for coming.

Let's all get out of here.

(rock music)

- (whispers) Okay.

Okay, come here, come here.

Ready?

(Vic huffs)
(Vic clears throat)

Oh, man. I love being a PA.

I love it. And I'm new.

I love being a new PA.
I'm new and I love it.

I love PA-ing and I'm
here, and I'm at Dropout.

(crew member shushes)

Boss is great.

I love the boss.

I love the boss.

- Vic, we know it's you.

- You're on a hidden camera show.

You're on a hidden camera show.

- [Crew] Are you comping us right now?

- You're on a hidden camera show.

You got chomp'd!

You got chomp'd!

You got chomp'd, Paul!

Oh my god.

You guys are like, "What are
we doing? What are we doing?

Who is that? Is that a new person?"

It was me!

You're on a hidden camera show!

You got chomp'd!

Chomp'd, chomp'd, chomp'd,
chomp'd, chomp'd, chomp'd,

chomp'd, chomp'd.

You got chomp'd.

You got chomp'd.

You got (clapping) chomp'd.

You got chomp'd.

You got chomp'd.

You got (clapping) chomp'd.

Chomp'd, chomp'd, chomp'd.

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