All language subtitles for Last.Week.Tonight.with.John.Oliver.S13E13.en

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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,

WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT"!

I'M JOHN OLIVER, THANK YOU SO

MUCH FOR JOINING US.

IT HAS BEEN A BUSY WEEK.

KEN PAXTON WON TEXAS'S

REPUBLICAN SENATE RUNOFF, ONE OF

JEFF BEZOS'S ROCKETS BLEW ALL

THE WAY UP ON THE LAUNCHPAD, AND

D.C. SAW PLANS RAMP UP FOR

AMERICA'S 250TH BIRTHDAY.

THE UFC OCTAGON'S GOING UP ON

THE SOUTH LAWN, AND WEDNESDAY

SAW THIS BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.

>> FREEDOM 250, ANNOUNCING THE

FIRST ROUND OF STARS THAT WILL

BE TAKING OVER THE NATIONAL MALL

IN D.C. FOR THE GREAT AMERICAN

STATE FAIR.

THE 16-DAY EVENT WILL KICK OFF

WITH MARTINA MCBRIDE ON JUNE

25TH ALSO GOING TO FEATURE

MUSICIANS LIKE VANILLA ICE,

FLO RIDA, AND BRET MICHAELS ON

JULY 3, LEADING UP TO

INDEPENDENCE DAY AND AMERICA'S

250 BIRTHDAY.

>> John: YEAH, IT IS A STACKED

LINEUP OF PEOPLE YOU HAVEN'T

THOUGHT ABOUT SINCE 2009.

HONESTLY, THAT SOUNDS LESS LIKE

"AMERICA'S 250TH BIRTHDAY" AND

MORE LIKE THE PLAYLIST AT

"RHONDA'S 50TH."

THE ONLY REALLY SURPRISING THING

ABOUT THAT LINEUP IS THERE'S NOT

A SPECIAL APPEARANCE FROM THE

SHAMWOW GUY AND THE GUSHERS KID

WHOSE HEAD TURNED INTO A

RASPBERRY.

AND QUICK SIDE NOTE: THAT KID

DIED, RIGHT?

IF YOUR HEAD TURNS INTO A

RASPBERRY BUT THE REST OF YOUR

BODY STAYS HUMAN, YOU DIE,

RIGHT?

NOW, CRUCIALLY, THE ORGANIZATION

PLANNING THAT EVENT, "FREEDOM

250," IS NOT THE SAME THING AS

THE NON-PROFIT AMERICA 250, LED

BY A BIPARTISAN BOARD CREATED BY

CONGRESS.

INSTEAD, IT'S A PUBLIC-PRIVATE

PARTNERSHIP LAUNCHED BY THE

WHITE HOUSE, WITH SOME DICEY

ELEMENTS, INCLUDING THE FACT

THAT, FOR $1 MILLION, DONORS TO

IT COULD GET ACCESS TO TRUMP.

AND AS ITS POLITICAL SLANT

BECAME CLEAR, ACTS WHO WERE PART

OF THAT INITIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

QUICKLY BEGAN TO BAIL.

>> YOUNG MC OF BUST A MOVE FAME

DECLARED ON THURSDAY THAT HE

WON'T BE PERFORMING AS PART OF

THE UPCOMING FREEDOM 250

CELEBRATION.

>> MINNESOTA'S OWN MORRIS DAY

AND THE TIME SAYS THEY WILL NOT

PERFORM.

>> THE COMMODORES ALSO SAY

THEY'RE NOT PERFORMING.

>> MARTINA MCBRIDE IS ONE OF

MANY ARTISTS PULLING OUT OF

PERFORMANCES AT THE FREEDOM 250

FAIR.

>> ROCK SINGER BRET MICHAELS IS

NOW THE FIFTH ACT OUT OF 9 TO

PULL OUT OF THE FREEDOM 250

CONCERTS IN D.C.

>> John: YEAH, THAT'S A LOT OF

CANCELLATIONS, THOUGH I HAVE TO

TELL YOU: VANILLA ICE DID NOT

PULL OUT, WHICH I DO REALIZE

SOUNDS LIKE THE ANSWER TO THE

QUESTION "WHY DOES THAT BABY

HAVE FROSTED TIPS?"

AND I SHOULD SAY: EVEN SOME OF

THE ACTS CURRENTLY STILL

SCHEDULED TO PLAY MAY NOT BE THE

EXACT PEOPLE YOU'RE EXPECTING.

FOR INSTANCE, NEITHER OF THE C'S

IN C&C MUSIC FACTORY WILL BE

PERFORMING, IT'S JUST THEIR

RAPPER, FREEDOM WILLIAMS, WHO'D

INITIALLY AGREED TO PERFORM,

THEN CONSIDERED BACKING OUT,

THEN DOUBLED DOWN ON PERFORMING,

BECAUSE HE WAS SO MAD PEOPLE

WERE CRITICIZING HIM -- A

DECISION HE EXPLAINED IN THIS

7 MINUTE VIDEO FILMED IN HIS

BATHROOM.

>> YOU KEEP PUSHING ME.

I'LL DO THE MOTHERFUCKING SHOW

IN NORTH KOREA.

PISSING ON A FUCKING AMERICAN

FLAG.

SMOKING A CUBAN CIGAR.

DRINKING VENEZUELAN WINE.

PLAYING GOLF WITH MOTHERFUCKING

KIM IL-JUNE.

WITH AN IRANIAN BITCH ON MY LAP.

WHILE TRUMP'S STANDING THERE

WITH HIS DICK IN HIS HAND,

THAT'S HOW MUCH OF A FUCK I GIVE

WHAT YOU [BLEEP] THINK.

[BLEEP], WHAT YOU DO?

I'M SITTING ON THE TOILET TAKING

A SHIT.

IRONICALLY.

SLAP YOUR ASS IN THE FACE WITH

SOME FUCKING WET NAPKINS.

>> John: OKAY, THERE'S SO MUCH

THERE, FROM THE FRANKLY GORGEOUS

WALLPAPER, TO HIS SHIRT

DEPICTING -- AND THIS IS TRUE --

KATNISS AND PEETA FROM

"THE HUNGER GAMES," TO THE

LATE-BREAKING REVEAL THAT HE'S

TAKING A SHIT THROUGH ALL OF IT,

AND LET ME JUST SAY: IF YOU

DON'T LIKE THE IDEA OF SOMEONE

TAKING A SHIT WHILE DELIVERING A

LONG RANT, FIND ANOTHER SHOW.

BECAUSE THAT'S RIGHT.

[TOILET FLUSHING]

EVERY EPISODE.

THE WHOLE TIME.

THE POINT IS, LET'S PUT C&C

MUSIC FACTORY DOWN AS A "MAYBE."

BUT EVEN WITH THOSE

CANCELLATIONS, THERE'LL STILL BE

THINGS TO DO.

BECAUSE FREEDOM 250'S ALSO

TOUTING EVENTS THAT'LL INCLUDE

STATE AND TERRITORY SHOWCASES

FROM ACROSS AMERICA, A 110-FOOT

FERRIS WHEEL, "CEO AND

INNOVATOR-LED CONVERSATIONS AND

DEMONSTRATIONS," AND SPECIAL

SCREENINGS OF THE ICONIC FILMS

"NATIONAL TREASURE" AND

"NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF

SECRETS."

BRINGING A REAL "SUBSTITUTE

HISTORY TEACHER DOESN'T GIVE A

FUCK" ENERGY TO THE PROCEEDINGS.

ALTHOUGH AT THIS POINT, GIVEN

HOW EVERYTHING'S BEEN GOING I

WOULDN'T BE REMOTELY SURPRISED

IF TOMORROW WE GET A PRESS

RELEASE READING "DUE TO DIVISIVE

POLITICS I WILL NO LONGER BE

ATTENDING THE 250TH CELEBRATION"

FROM THE FUCKING FERRIS WHEEL.

AND LOOK, THERE'LL CLEARLY BE

PLENTY MORE TO SAY ABOUT

AMERICA'S 250TH GOING FORWARD.

BUT FOR NOW, WE'RE GOING TO DIVE

STRAIGHT IN WITH OUR MAIN STORY

THIS WEEK, WHICH CONCERNS LAW

AND ORDER.

IT'S NOT JUST THE PHRASE THAT'LL

BE UTTERED AT LEAST 400 TIMES AT

DICK WOLF'S FUNERAL.

[BUM BUM]

IT'S ALSO SOMETHING TRUMP'S MADE

A CORNERSTONE OF HIS APPEAL TO

VOTERS.

>> I CAMPAIGNED ON LAW AND

ORDER.

I WAS ELECTED BY A LANDSLIDE ON

LAW AND ORDER.

THEY STAND FOR CRIME AND CHAOS

AND CORRUPTION.

WE STAND FOR LAW AND ORDER AND

JUSTICE.

>> THERE WAS A TIME THAT YOU

WEREN'T ALLOWED TO USE THE WORDS

LAW AND ORDER.

>> YOU WEREN'T ALLOWED TO USE

THE TERM LAW AND ORDER.

YOU WEREN'T ALLOWED TO USE THE

TERM CHRISTMAS -- MERRY

CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY, RIGHT?

REMEMBER THAT, 2016 I RAN ON

WE'RE GOING TO BRING BACK

CHRISTMAS.

WE DID; NOW THEY'RE AFRAID TO

SUGGEST IT.

BUT WE BROUGHT THAT BACK.

BUT LAW AND ORDER, WE NEED LAW

AND ORDER.

>> John: OH, YEAH, HOW COULD WE

FORGET THAT TRUMP SAVED

CHRISTMAS!

WE ALL REMEMBER THAT BEFORE

2016, THE HALLMARK CHANNEL JUST

RAN MOVIES CALLED "A BOYFRIEND

FOR WINTER" "FINDING MISTLETOE

FOR STRICTLY AGRICULTURAL

REASONS" AND "I FELL IN LOVE

WITH A CHISELED NORDIC-LOOKING

MAN WHO'S SECRETLY A PRINCE ON A

NORMAL WEDNESDAY."

THANK GOODNESS TRUMP INTERVENED.

BUT IT'S NOT JUST RHETORIC --

HE'S TOUTED ALL SORTS OF

"TOUGH-ON-CRIME" TACTICS, FROM

CALLING FOR THE REOPENING OF

ALCATRAZ, TO ADVOCATING FOR THE

DEATH PENALTY FOR DRUG DEALERS,

TO LAUNCHING A "WAR ON FRAUD" TO

"STOP MEDICARE AND MEDICAID FROM

BEING LOOTED BY CRIMINALS AND

THUGS," TO SIGNING THE LAKEN

RILEY ACT, MANDATING ALL

UNDOCUMENTED PEOPLE BE HELD IN

FEDERAL DETENTION FOR CRIMES AS

MINOR AS SHOPLIFTING.

BUT I ACTUALLY WANT TO TALK

ABOUT THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN

HERE -- WHERE TRUMP'S USED THE

POWERS OF THE PRESIDENCY TO SHOW

MERCY.

SPECIFICALLY, HIS USE OF PARDONS

-- YOU KNOW, THE POWER

PRESIDENTS USE TO SPARE TURKEYS

EVERY THANKSGIVING.

EVEN IF, AS IN THIS INSTANCE,

THE TURKEY REALLY TRIES TO PUSH

ITS LUCK.

HEY, BUDDY, YOUR PARDON AIN'T IN

THERE.

THE EXECUTIVE POWER TO PARDON

SOMEONE FOR FEDERAL CRIMES IS

ENSHRINED IN THE CONSTITUTION,

AND IS VIRTUALLY UNCHECKED.

AND ONCE A PRESIDENT DECIDES TO

DO IT, THERE'S BASICALLY NOTHING

COURTS OR CONGRESS CAN DO.

AND THAT'S GENERALLY A GOOD

THING.

AS WE'VE MENTIONED BEFORE IN OUR

PIECE ON WRONGFUL CONVICTIONS,

IT'S INCREDIBLY HARD TO APPEAL A

FEDERAL CASE.

AND GIVEN THERE'S NO FEDERAL

PAROLE PROGRAM AND THAT SOME

PEOPLE ARE SERVING EGREGIOUSLY

LONG MANDATORY-MINIMUM SENTENCES

-- OFTENTIMES UNDER LAWS THAT

DON'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE -- IN A

DEEPLY FLAWED CRIMINAL JUSTICE

SYSTEM, GETTING A PARDON CAN BE

SOMEONE'S ONLY REAL CHANCE AT

RELIEF.

BUT AS YOU UNDOUBTEDLY KNOW,

TRUMP'S USED PARDONS VERY

SELECTIVELY -- AS THIS SCHOLAR

WHO STUDIES THEM POINTS OUT.

>> ONE THING ABOUT CLEMENCY IS

THAT, BECAUSE IT'S AN UNCHECKED

POWER OF THE PRESIDENT, THAT'S

GOING TO REFLECT THE VALUES OF

THAT PRESIDENT.

>> PRESIDENT TRUMP, WE ALL KNEW

BEFORE HE WAS ELECTED -- THINGS

THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO HIM

INCLUDE LOYALTY AND CELEBRITY.

AND SO, IT SHOULD NOT SURPRISE

US THAT CLEMENCY HAS BEEN USED

FOR CELEBRITIES, AND FOR THOSE

WHO HAVE BEEN LOYAL TO HIM.

>> John: RIGHT, TRUMP'S PARDONED

SOME FAMOUS SHITHEADS -- FROM

GEORGE SANTOS TO RUDY GIULIANI

TO SHERIFF JOE ARPAIO -- QUITE

POSSIBLY THE MOST DIFFICULT

FUCK, MARRY, KILL I'VE EVER

SEEN.

I CAN'T IMAGINE ANYONE WHO'D

PICK GIULIANI AS THE ONE TO

MARRY.

EXCEPT FOR, OF COURSE, HIS

COUSIN.

AND TRUMP'S USE OF PARDONS HAS

ESCALATED SHARPLY.

WHILE HE GRANTED TWO HUNDRED AND

THIRTY-EIGHT PARDONS AND

COMMUTATIONS IN HIS FIRST TERM,

LESS THAN A YEAR INTO HIS

SECOND, HE'D ALREADY ISSUED

NEARLY 2,000.

ON TOP OF THAT, HE'S RUMORED TO

BE PLANNING TO ANNOUNCE ANOTHER

250 SOON, TO MARK AMERICA'S

250TH BIRTHDAY.

SO GIVEN ALL THAT, WE THOUGHT

TONIGHT, IT'D BE WORTH TAKING A

LOOK AT TRUMP'S PARDONS, WHO

HE'S GIVEN THEM TO, WHY, AND

WHAT THOSE CHOICES MEAN.

AND LET'S START WITH WHERE THE

POWER TO PARDON COMES FROM.

IT'S ACTUALLY A RELIC OF

MONARCHICAL RULE, WHERE KINGS

HAD THE FINAL SAY ON JUSTICE

PROCEEDINGS.

AND OVER THE YEARS, IT'S BEEN

USED IN ALL SORTS OF WAYS.

RUTHERFORD B. HAYES ONCE

PARDONED AN OHIO MAN CONVICTED

OF SENDING A "SCURRILOUS

POSTCARD."

AND ABRAHAM LINCOLN PARDONED A

MAN CONVICTED OF ATTEMPTED

BESTIALITY.

APPARENTLY HIS REASONING WAS

THAT THE MAN HAD DISPLAYED

EXEMPLARY BEHAVIOR IN PRISON,

PLUS HE WAS DRUNK AT THE TIME.

AND IF NOTHING ELSE, IT IS FUN

TO IMAGINE LINCOLN GOING, "HOLD

ON, HENRY FUCKED A GOAT?

QUICK QUESTION, HOW MANY BEERS

DEEP WAS HE, AND CAN I SEE A

PICTURE OF THE GOAT?"

LET'S BE FAIR HERE.

NOW, OVER THE YEARS, SOME

PARDONS HAVE HELD UP VERY WELL

-- LIKE THE MASS COMMUTATION OF

DRUG SENTENCES UNDER OBAMA OR

THE PARDONS FOR VIETNAM DRAFT

EVADERS UNDER FORD AND CARTER.

BUT OBVIOUSLY, THERE'VE BEEN

SOME INFAMOUS EXAMPLES, TOO.

JOE BIDEN PARDONED HIS SON

HUNTER.

BILL CLINTON PARDONED HIS FRIEND

AND MEGADONOR MARC RICH, WHO'D

BEEN INDICTED ON 65 CRIMINAL

COUNTS, INCLUDING TAX FRAUD AND

TRADING WITH IRAN WHILE IT HELD

AMERICAN HOSTAGES, AND WHO'D

FLED THE COUNTRY TO AVOID

ARREST.

AND THEN THERE WAS GERALD FORD'S

DECISION, IN HIS FIRST MONTH IN

OFFICE, TO PARDON RICHARD NIXON,

WHICH DID NOT GO DOWN WELL AT

THE TIME.

>> THE PRESIDENT GOT A

FACE-TO-FACE LOOK AT THE

HOSTILITY TODAY IN PITTSBURGH,

WHERE HE WENT TO MAKE A SPEECH.

[BOOING]

>> ON THE FLIGHT BACK TO

WASHINGTON, THE PRESIDENT

DECLINED TO TALK TO REPORTERS

ABOUT THE PARDON.

HIS SPOKESMAN, HUSHEN, SAID THE

PRESIDENT KNEW THE PARDON WOULD

BE CONTROVERSIAL AND WAS AWARE

OF THE REACTION.

A WHITE HOUSE SWITCHBOARD

OPERATOR TOLD THE PRESIDENT LAST

NIGHT THE VOLUME OF CALLS WAS

VERY HEAVY AND KIND OF

UNFAVORABLE.

>> John: THAT'S A PRETTY KIND

WAY FOR THAT OPERATOR TO PUT IT

-- "THE CALLS WERE HEAVY AND

UNFAVORABLE" IS A LOT EASIER FOR

A PRESIDENT TO HEAR THAN

"BEVERLY FROM CINCINNATI CALLED

YOU A CORRUPT TAINT," AND "PAUL

FROM KENOSHA SAID YOU'RE AS

CROOKED AS A PIG'S DICK."

BUT OBVIOUSLY, PRESIDENTS

PARDONING THEIR PREDECESSORS, OR

FAMILY MEMBERS, ARE THE

EXCEPTION.

AND TO UNDERSTAND WHAT TRUMP'S

DONE TO THE PARDON SYSTEM, IT'S

WORTH KNOWING HOW IT'S USUALLY

WORKED.

VERY BASICALLY, THE SYSTEM WE'VE

SET UP IS THAT ANYONE CAN SUBMIT

AN APPLICATION TO THE OFFICE OF

THE PARDON ATTORNEY.

THEY THEN JUDGE IT ON A LONG

LIST OF CRITERIA, INCLUDING: THE

PERSON'S POST-CONVICTION

CONDUCT, CHARACTER, AND

REPUTATION; THE SERIOUSNESS AND

RELATIVE RECENTNESS OF THE

OFFENSE; THE ACCEPTANCE OF

RESPONSIBILITY, REMORSE, AND

ATONEMENT; THE NEED FOR RELIEF;

AND OFFICIAL RECOMMENDATIONS AND

REPORTS -- LIKE, FOR INSTANCE,

THE FBI DOING A BACKGROUND CHECK

TO SEE IF THE PERSON WOULD BE A

THREAT TO PUBLIC SAFETY IF

RELEASED.

NOW, IF THE PARDON OFFICE SIGNS

OFF, THE APPLICATION THEN GOES

TO THE PRESIDENT.

BUT CRUCIALLY, THAT WHOLE SYSTEM

IS OPTIONAL FOR A PRESIDENT.

THEY DON'T NEED TO LISTEN TO

WHAT THE RECOMMENDATIONS ARE, OR

INDEED, RUN A PARDON THROUGH

THAT PROCESS AT ALL.

AND TRUMP, BY AND LARGE, HASN'T.

IN HIS FIRST TERM, HE FAMOUSLY

PARDONED CRONIES AND FRIENDS

LIKE CHARLES KUSHNER -- JARED'S

DAD, PAUL MANAFORT, AND ROGER

STONE, WHO FOR SOME REASON SELLS

SIGNED COPIES OF HIS PARDON ON

HIS WEBSITE.

IT'S THE PERFECT GIFT FOR THE

SPECIAL PERSON IN YOUR LIFE WHO

YOU NO LONGER WANT IN YOUR LIFE.

INCREDIBLY IT'S ONLY THE

SECOND WEIRDEST THING ROGER

STONE SELLS, WITH THE WEIRDEST

BEING THIS SIGNED "MAKE AMERICA

ITALIAN AGAIN" HAT.

FIRST, I DON'T KNOW WHAT "MAKE

AMERICA ITALIAN AGAIN" EVEN

MEANS.

THE ONLY COUNTRY ON EARTH THAT'S

EVER BEEN ITALIAN IS, FAMOUSLY,

ITALY.

BUT ALSO, THE LISTING SPECIFIES

THAT THE "HAT COMES HAND-SIGNED

BY ROGER STONE BY DEFAULT," AND

"PLEASE LEAVE A NOTE WITH YOUR

ORDER IF YOU WOULD LIKE IT

UNSIGNED."

AND JUST IMAGINE THE PERSON

THAT'S AIMED AT -- SOMEONE WHO

LIKES ROGER STONE ENOUGH TO BE

BROWSING THE MERCH ON

BROWSING THE MERCH ON
SPEND $30 ON A "MAKE AMERICA

SPEND $30 ON A "MAKE AMERICA

ITALIAN AGAIN" HAT, BUT

"DOESN'T" WANT ROGER STONE'S

SIGNATURE ON IT, BECAUSE THAT

WOULD MAKE IT WEIRD.

NOW, TO BE FAIR, TRUMP'S FIRST

TERM ALSO SAW SOME VERY WORTHY

PARDONS -- INCLUDING ALICE

LIFE SENTENCE FOR DRUG

TRAFFICKING CHARGES FROM THE

'90s.

AND WHILE THE REASON HE DID THAT

PROBABLY HAD MORE TO DO WITH THE

FACT SHE'D BEEN ADVOCATED FOR BY

KIM KARDASHIAN, IT'S STILL

UNDENIABLY GOOD HE DID IT.

BUT IN TRUMP'S SECOND TERM, HE'S

USED HIS PARDON POWER TO A TRULY

RIDICULOUS DEGREE.

TO START ON DAY ONE, HE DID

THIS.

>> SO, THIS IS JANUARY 6TH, AND

THESE ARE THE HOSTAGES,

APPROXIMATELY 1,500 FOR A

PARDON, FULL PARDON.

>> THE FULL, COMPLETE AND

UNCONDITIONAL PARDONS INCLUDE

THE FORMER LEADER OF THE

FAR-RIGHT GROUP THE PROUD BOYS,

ENRIQUE TARRIO, SENTENCED TO 22

YEARS FOR SEDITION.

TRUMP ALSO COMMUTING THE

SENTENCES OF 14 OTHERS CHARGED

WITH SEDITION, INCLUDING

STUART RHODES, FOUNDER OF THE

OATH KEEPERS MILITIA, SENTENCED

TO 18 YEARS.

TRUMP EVEN GRANTING CLEMENCY TO

THE MORE THAN 600 PEOPLE CHARGED

WITH ASSAULTING AND RESISTING

LAW ENFORCEMENT.

RIOTERS ON JANUARY 6TH ATTACKING

POLICE, USING EVERYTHING FROM

SHIELDS TO FLAG POLES, EVEN

CATTLE PRODS.

>> John: YEAH, NOT GREAT!

BECAUSE IF YOU SHOW UP TO A

"PROTEST" WITH A CATTLE PROD,

YOUR MOTIVES ARE AUTOMATICALLY

QUESTIONABLE.

HONESTLY, THAT'S TRUE IF YOU

SHOW UP ANYWHERE WITH ONE.

NEXT TIME YOUR FRIENDS INVITE

YOU TO DINNER, TRY SHOWING UP

WITH A BOTTLE OF WINE AND A

CATTLE PROD, AND SEE HOW LONG

BEFORE THEY SAY THEY'RE NOT

FEELING WELL AND WILL HAVE TO

INVITE YOU OVER ANOTHER TIME.

THE VERY NEXT DAY, TRUMP

PARDONED ROSS ULBRICHT, FOUNDER

OF THE "SILK ROAD" DARK WEB

MARKETPLACE, WHO WAS SERVING A

LIFE SENTENCE FOR HIS SITE

BECOMING WHAT THE DOJ DESCRIBED

AS, "THE MOST SOPHISTICATED AND

EXTENSIVE CRIMINAL MARKETPLACE

ON THE INTERNET TODAY."

WHICH IS SAYING A LOT

CONSIDERING I RECENTLY

DISCOVERED A WEBSITE CHARGING

PEOPLE REAL HUMAN DOLLARS FOR AN

AUTOGRAPHED MAKE AMERICA ITALIAN

AGAIN HAT.

IF THAT'S NOT A CRIME, I DON'T

KNOW WHAT IS.

SO CLEARLY, THAT WAS A LOT OF

WILD DECISIONS RIGHT OFF THE

BAT.

IN FACT, LEGAL EXPERTS SAY NO

PRESIDENT HAS STARTED A TERM

WITH SO MANY PARDONS THAT

VIOLATE LONG-STANDING POLICIES

AND NORMS.

AND THOSE NORMS WERE THERE FOR A

REASON.

TAKE THOSE JANUARY 6ERS.

EVEN IF YOU THINK MANY POSED NO

THREAT TO THEIR COMMUNITY,

THERE'S A REASON IT MIGHT'VE

BEEN GOOD TO DO THINGS LIKE

"RUNNING BACKGROUND CHECKS"

BEFORE ALLOWING ALL OF THEM TO

RETURN HOME WITH ZERO

SUPERVISION.

BECAUSE NOT ONLY WERE MANY

FACING OTHER CHARGES AT THE

TIME, IN THE YEAR AND A HALF

SINCE, AT LEAST 12 HAVE BEEN

CHARGED WITH OTHER SERIOUS

CRIMES, INCLUDING ASSAULT,

HARASSMENT, AND MURDER PLOTS.

AND WHEN IT COMES TO REMORSE,

JUST LISTEN TO ONE OF THE MORE

PROMINENT JANUARY 6ERS,

JAKE LANG, AT A RALLY TO

CELEBRATE THE ONE-YEAR

ANNIVERSARY OF THEIR PARDONS.

>> YOU WERE ACCUSED OF DOING

SOME VIOLENT STUFF.

>> WELL, I WAS ACCUSED OF

DEFENDING MY COUNTRY VERSUS THE

VIOLENCE --

>> BEATING CAPITOL POLICE

OFFICERS WITH A POLE.

>> THESE PEOPLE WERE RED COATS

TRAITORS TO THE CONSTITUTION.

THEY TURNED THEIR WEAPONS

AGAINST UNARMED --

>> UNIFORMED POLICE OFFICERS?

>> LISTEN, IT DOESN'T MATTER IF

YOU'RE UNIFORM.

>> John: OKAY, YOU PROBABLY

ALREADY KNOW HE'S FULL OF SHIT,

BUT LET'S ADDRESS THE MOST

STRIKING PART OF THAT: HIS

OUTFIT.

BECAUSE WHAT IS HAPPENING THERE?

I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU COULD GET

SCARVES IN THE WRONG SIZE.

EVERYTHING FROM HIS NECK UP IS

GIVING "FRAT BOY ON SPRING

BREAK," BUT EVERYTHING FROM THE

NECK DOWN IS GIVING "POETRY

PROFESSOR AT HOGWARTS."

HE LOOKS LIKE WHAT'D HAPPEN IF

STEVE CARELL FUCKED GRU -- WHICH

MUST BE SOMETHING STEVE'S

THOUGHT ABOUT, RIGHT?

DOESN'T EVERY VOICE ACTOR WONDER

WHAT IT'D BE LIKE TO HAVE SEX

WITH THE CARTOON CHARACTER THEY

VOICE?

I KNOW I HAVE -- I'VE THOUGHT

ABOUT WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO

FUCK VANITY SMURF, AND WHAT IT'D

BE LIKE TO FUCK ZAZU.

IT'S NOT BECAUSE I FIND IT

AROUSING -- I DON'T -- BUT YOU

CAN'T TELL ME YOU WOULDN'T BE

CURIOUS WHAT IT'D BE LIKE TO

FUCK SOMEONE AND HEAR YOUR OWN

VOICE COMING OUT OF THEIR

MOUTHS.

IT'D BE SO STRANGE.

AND IF YOU'RE THINKING, "WHY

WOULD YOU FIND A CARTOON

CHARACTER SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE IN

THE FIRST PLACE?"

FIRST, LOTS OF PEOPLE DO, BUT

THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS THOUGHT

EXERCISE IS ASKING, REALLY.

FOR THE RECORD, I DON'T FIND

EITHER OF THESE CHARACTERS

ATTRACTIVE, BUT LET'S SUPPOSE

THERE WAS A UNIVERSE WHERE I

"DID," AND THEY FOUND "ME"

ATTRACTIVE -- COULD I GO THROUGH

WITH IT IF THEY SOUNDED EXACTLY

LIKE ME?

BECAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE I'D BE

FUCKING MYSELF -- I'D BE FUCKING

SOMEONE THAT JUST HAS MY VOICE.

HOW WOULD THAT FEEL?

HOW WOULD I REACT IF, MID-COITUS

I HEARD MY OWN PLEASURE MOANS

COMING OUT OF ZAZU'S BEAK?

WOULD IT RUIN THE WHOLE THING?

WOULD I SOMEHOW ENJOY IT?

AND IF SO, DOES THAT MAKE ME A

NARCISSIST?

ALSO, WOULD IT BE WEIRD FOR

THEM?

BECAUSE TO VANITY SMURF AND

ZAZU, I HAVE THEIR VOICES.

SO COULD THEY DO IT?

OF COURSE, THEY'RE CARTOON

CHARACTERS, THIS COULD JUST BE

ME PROJECTING MY OWN HUMANITY

ONTO A SMURF AND A TALKING BIRD,

WHEN THEY EXIST ON THEIR OWN

PLANES OF MORALITY AND

BIOLOGICAL IMPULSE THAT DON'T

NECESSARILY CONFORM TO WHAT WE'D

SAY IS RIGHT OR WRONG.

YOU KNOW, AFTER A LOT OF THOUGHT

AND CONSIDERATION, ULTIMATELY, I

THINK I WOULD BE ABLE TO POWER

THROUGH AND HAVE SEX WITH VANITY

SMURF AND ZAZU, BUT I'D FEEL

REALLY GUILTY AFTERWARDS, AND

I'M NOT TOTALLY SURE WHY.

ANYWAY, I'D LOVE TO TALK ABOUT

THIS MORE, BUT WE DON'T HAVE

TIME, SO I'LL JUST CONCLUDE BY

SAYING THIS: LET'S SEE BYRON

ALLEN DO THAT ON

"COMICS UNLEASHED."

ANYWAY.

THE POINT IS, TRUMP RUSHED OUT A

TON OF PARDONS FOR JANUARY 6

RIOTERS.

AND SINCE THEN, HE'S EVEN TRIED

TO SET UP A NEARLY $1.8 BILLION

FUND TO COMPENSATE ANYONE WHO

FEELS THEY WERE UNFAIRLY

PROSECUTED UNDER BIDEN -- WHICH,

IT SEEMS, MANY JANUARY 6ERS HOPE

TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF, GIVEN THAT

GUY YOU JUST SAW APPARENTLY

ANSWERED HIS PHONE THE DAY THAT

FUND WAS ANNOUNCED WITH,

"JAKE LANG'S OFFICE, AMERICA'S

NEWEST BILLIONAIRE."

BUT THE TRUTH IS, RUMORS OF THE

FUND HAD BEEN CIRCULATING LONG

BEFORE IT WAS OFFICIALLY

ANNOUNCED, TO THE POINT ONE

JANUARY 6ER LITERALLY TRIED TO

USE IT TO COVER UP HIS TRACKS ON

A DIFFERENT, TRULY HORRENDOUS

CRIME.

>> MEET ANDREW PAUL JOHNSON,

CHARGED WITH STORMING THE

CAPITOL, PARDONED BY THE

PRESIDENT THERE YOU SEE HIM

CIRCLED IN THE CROWD.

HE WAS ARRESTED JUST SIX MONTHS

LATER FOR MULTIPLE CHILD SEXUAL

ABUSE CHARGES IN FLORIDA.

AND APPARENTLY HE TRIED TO BUY

THE SILENCE OF ONE OF HIS CHILD

VICTIMS BY CLAIMING HE STOOD TO

RECEIVE $10 MILLION AS

RESTITUTION FOR BEING A

JANUARY 6ER.

>> John: HOLY SHIT.

I DON'T KNOW IF THERE'S ANY

CLEARER EXAMPLE OF "TWO WRONGS

DON'T MAKE A RIGHT" THAN "TRYING

TO SILENCE YOUR CHILD VICTIM

WITH YOUR TREASON MONEY."

AND LOOK, IF TRUMP'S PARDONS

WERE ONLY ABOUT RELEASING

JANUARY 6ERS AND FUNNELING MONEY

TO THEM, THAT'D BE BAD ENOUGH.

BUT IT GOES WELL BEYOND THAT.

MORE THAN 50 OF THE PARDONS AND

COMMUTATIONS HE'S MADE IN HIS

SECOND TERM ARE FOR FRAUD, AND

WHITE-COLLAR OFFENSES SUCH AS

MONEY LAUNDERING, BANK FRAUD AND

WIRE FRAUD ARE AMONG THE MOST

FREQUENT CRIMES HE'S WIPED

CLEAN.

IT'S RANGED FROM YOUR CLASSIC

PONZI SCHEMERS, TO CAMPAIGN

FINANCE VIOLATORS, TO THIS MAN,

TREVOR MILTON.

HE WAS THE FOUNDER OF AN

ELECTRIC TRUCKING COMPANY CALLED

NIKOLA -- WHICH HE APPARENTLY

WANTED TO NAME AFTER NIKOLA

TESLA, BUT AS "TESLA" WAS

ALREADY TAKEN, HE WENT WITH

NIKOLA INSTEAD.

A NAME ONLY MARGINALLY MORE

CREATIVE THAN "TESLA2," "TESLA"

WITH TWO A'S AND "TESLA AGAIN

BUT DIFFERENT" ANYWAY, NIKOLA'S

ELECTRIC TRUCK LOOKED PRETTY

IMPRESSIVE -- HERE'S A VIDEO

THAT WAS POSTED TO THE COMPANY'S

SOCIAL MEDIA, CAPTIONED "BEHOLD,

THE 1,000 HP, ZERO EMISSION

NIKOLA SEMI-TRUCK IN MOTION."

THE ONLY PROBLEM WAS, AS THE

COMPANY LATER ADMITTED, THE

REASON THAT TRUCK WASN'T

EMITTING ANYTHING IS THAT IT HAD

BEEN TOWED TO THE TOP OF A HILL

AND ALLOWED TO ROLL DOWN.

MAKING IT THE PERFECT TRUCK FOR

ANYONE WHO'S ENVIRONMENTALLY

CONSCIOUS AND NEEDS TO COMMUTE

TO THE BOTTOM OF A HILL EXACTLY

ONCE AND NEVER AGAIN.

NOW: MILTON WOUND UP BEING

CONVICTED OF DEFRAUDING THE

COMPANY'S INVESTORS WITH WHAT

PROSECUTORS SAID WERE HIS

REPEATED LIES, AND WAS FACING A

FOUR-YEAR PRISON TERM.

HE WAS APPEALING THAT WHEN TRUMP

SUDDENLY STEPPED IN TO PARDON

HIM.

AND HERE'S MILTON, TELLING THE

MOVING STORY OF HOW TRUMP BROKE

THE NEWS TO HIM OVER THE PHONE.

>> HE SAYS, WELL, UM, TREVOR,

I'VE HEARD YOUR STORY AND WHAT

THEY DID TO YOU WAS EVIL AND

DISGUSTING WAS WRONG ON EVERY

LEVEL.

AND I'M GOING TO ISSUE YOU A

FULL AND UNCONDITIONAL PARDON.

THE HIGHEST PARDON A PRESIDENT

CAN GIVE A HUMAN IS A FULL AND

UNCONDITIONAL, AND I'M GONNA

GIVE -- I'M GONNA ISSUE YOU A

PARDON.

YOU DON'T DESERVE WHAT YOU'VE

BEEN THROUGH.

I'M SO SORRY.

AND HE SAYS, YOU'RE CLEAN.

YOU'RE CLEANER THAN A BABY'S

BOTTOM.

>> John: WAIT, CLEANER THAN A

BABY'S BOTTOM?

FIRST, THAT'S NOT A PHRASE.

BUT ALSO, IF YOU'RE TRYING TO

TALK UP SOMEONE'S HONESTY AND

INTEGRITY, MAYBE AVOID COMPARING

THEM TO SOMETHING THAT IS

FAMOUSLY, LITERALLY FULL OF

SHIT.

AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHY

TRUMP GAVE MILTON A PARDON,

HERE'S HOW HE EXPLAINED IT, WHEN

ASKED.

>> WHAT WAS YOUR REASONING FOR

PARDONING TREVOR MILTON?

>> HIGHLY RECOMMENDED BY MANY

PEOPLE THAT WAS TAKEN ADVANTAGE

OF.

THEY SAY THE THING THAT HE DID

WRONG WAS, HE WAS ONE OF THE

FIRST PEOPLE THAT SUPPORTED A

GENTLEMAN NAMED DONALD TRUMP FOR

PRESIDENT.

HE SUPPORTED TRUMP.

HE LIKED TRUMP.

I DIDN'T KNOW HIM, BUT HE LIKED

HIM.

AND THEY GOT HIM.

AND I SAID THAT'S UNFAIR.

THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE LIKE THAT.

THEY SUPPORT TRUMP, AND THEY

WENT AFTER THEM.

>> John: OKAY, EVEN BY TRUMP'S

STANDARDS, THAT WAS A MESS.

FIRST HE ANSWERS THE QUESTION

"WHAT'S YOUR REASONING FOR

PARDONING TREVOR MILTON," WITH,

AND I QUOTE, "HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

BY MANY PEOPLE THAT WAS TAKEN

ADVANTAGE OF."

THAT'S SIMPLY NOT HOW THE

ENGLISH LANGUAGE WORKS, BUT

OKAY.

THEN, IN THE MIDDLE OF ANOTHER

THOUGHT, HE SWITCHES FROM

SPEAKING IN THE THIRD PERSON TO

THE FIRST, LIKE A SURVIVOR

CONTESTANT IN CONFESSIONAL WHO'S

ONLY EATEN COCONUT WATER FOR

THREE WEEKS.

"RIZO'S PLAYING WELL, RIZO'S

DOMINATING, I AM GOING TO FAINT,

RIZO GOING DOWN."

IF YOU LOOKED AT A TRANSCRIPT OF

WHAT TRUMP JUST SAID ON PAPER,

YOU'D ASSUME IT WAS CHATGPT

TRYING TO KILL ITSELF.

BUT IT'S NOTABLE THAT MILTON

WASN'T JUST A SUPPORTER OF TRUMP

-- HE WAS ALSO A HEAVY DONOR.

IN FACT, HE AND HIS WIFE MADE

CONTRIBUTIONS TOTALING OVER

$1.8 MILLION TO A TRUMP

RE-ELECTION CAMPAIGN FUND, JUST

A FEW MONTHS BEFORE THE PARDON.

AND IF THAT HELPED SWING IT, IT

WAS FRANKLY MONEY WELL-SPENT,

ESPECIALLY GIVEN THAT IN

ADDITION TO PRISON, MILTON WAS

ALSO FACING ROUGHLY $676 MILLION

IN RESTITUTION COSTS.

AND WHILE HISTORICALLY,

PRESIDENTIAL PARDONS DON'T WIPE

THOSE AWAY, AND FOR VERY GOOD

REASON, IN MILTON'S CASE, IT

DID.

SO MILTON'S INVESTORS WOULD NOW

GET ABSOLUTELY NONE OF THEIR

MONEY BACK -- PROMPTING ONE

REPORTER TO ASK HIM A PRETTY

OBVIOUS QUESTION.

>> IF SOMEONE CAME OUT AND SAID,

"I LOST MY LIFE SAVINGS," WOULD

YOU PAY THEM BACK?

>> I WOULDN'T PAY THEM BACK.

I WOULD DEFINITELY BE OPEN TO --

I'VE GOT A FEW BIG VENTURES I'M

WORKING ON RIGHT NOW.

I'D DEFINITELY BE OPEN TO TRYING

TO HELP THOSE PEOPLE IN THE

FUTURE.

SO, I'M NOT HEARTLESS.

IN FACT, I FEEL FOR THESE

PEOPLE, PROBABLY MORE THAN MOST.

>> John: WHAT AN ANSWER!

"YOU LOST YOUR LIFE SAVINGS ON

MY COMPANY, MAY I OFFER YOU

ANOTHER AMAZING INVESTMENT

OPPORTUNITY?"

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE ALL THE BIG

VENTURES HE'S WORKING ON!

JUST THINK OF ALL THE NEW,

CUTTING-EDGE THINGS HE'S GONNA

ROLL DOWN A HILL!

AND THE THING IS, WHEN IT COMES

TO GETTING OUT OF FINANCIAL

RESTITUTION TO VICTIMS, MILTON'S

NOT A ONE-OFF.

TRUMP'S SECOND TERM PARDONS

ALONE HAVE TAKEN AN ESTIMATED

$1.3 BILLION AWAY FROM VICTIMS

AND SURVIVORS OF CRIME.

AND SOME ARE CONSIDERABLY LESS

FUN THAN FAKE TRUCK SHENANIGANS.

TAKE JOSEPH SCHWARTZ, THE HEAD

OF A NURSING HOME EMPIRE WHO WAS

FACING THREE YEARS IN PRISON

FOR, AMONG OTHER THINGS,

ORCHESTRATING A $39 MILLION

PAYROLL TAX SCHEME, TO WHICH

HE'D PLED GUILTY.

BUT IT WASN'T JUST HIS EMPLOYEES

WHO SUFFERED FROM HOW SCHWARTZ

MANAGED HIS NURSING HOMES -- IT

WAS THE PATIENTS IN THEM, TOO.

>> BETTY MCFADDEN'S SON WAS IN A

SCHWARTZ-RUN NURSING HOME IN

ARKANSAS AFTER A STROKE LEFT HIM

UNABLE TO MOVE.

SANITARY CONDITIONS WERE SO POOR

IN 2017 THAT INSPECTORS

DOCUMENTED MAGGOTS ON HER SON'S

CATHETER.

THE STATE LATER ISSUED FINES FOR

NEGLECT.

DO YOU THINK THE PEOPLE IN THE

NURSING HOME JUST IGNORED WHAT

WAS BLATANTLY NEGLIGENT CARE?

>> YES, I DO.

>> John: YEAH, SO DO I.

AND YET, DESPITE ALL THAT,

SCHWARTZ RECEIVED A FULL PARDON

FROM TRUMP.

AND WHILE I CAN'T SAY FOR SURE

WHY, I'M GUESSING IT DIDN'T HURT

THAT HE'D PAID NEARLY A MILLION

DOLLARS TO RIGHT-WING OPERATIVES

WHO CLAIMED TO HAVE WORKED WITH

LAURA LOOMER, AND ANOTHER

$100,000 OR MORE TO A LOBBYIST

WHO HAD A DIFFERENT SET OF

CONNECTIONS TO TRUMP.

INCREDIBLY, ONE OF THE ARGUMENTS

SCHWARTZ'S SUPPORTERS MADE FOR

HIS PARDON WAS THAT HE HAD PAID

HIS FULL $5 MILLION IN FEDERAL

RESTITUTION.

WHICH MAKES IT PRETTY

FRUSTRATING TO LEARN THAT, AS

PART OF HIS PARDON, HE WAS

ACTUALLY MAGGOTS.

NOW, OBVIOUSLY, THAT IMAGE IS AN

ESTIMATE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT $5 MILLION OF

MAGGOTS LOOKS LIKE.

I'M NOT JOSEPH SCHWARTZ.

THE POINT IS, IN TRUMP'S SECOND

TERM, IT SURE FEELS LIKE, TO THE

EXTENT THERE'S ANY RHYME OR

REASON IN HOW PEOPLE GET

PARDONS, IT HAS LITTLE TO DO

WITH ANY OF THE ESTABLISHED

CRITERIA.

IN FACT, ONLY 10 OF THE PEOPLE

GRANTED THEM SINCE LAST YEAR HAD

EVEN FILED PETITIONS TO THE

OFFICE OF THE PARDON ATTORNEY,

AND EVEN WITHIN THAT SMALL

GROUP, SOME DID NOT APPEAR TO

MEET THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT'S

STANDARDS AND REQUIREMENTS.

INSTEAD, WE NOW SEEM TO HAVE A

SYSTEM WHERE THINGS LIKE MEDIA

COVERAGE, MONEY, AND APPEALS TO

TRUMP'S VANITY ARE KEY.

IN FACT, HE'LL OFTEN TIE HIS

JUSTIFICATION FOR PARDONS TO

WHAT HE SEES AS HIS OWN

RAILROADING BY PROSECUTORS, TO

THE POINT THAT, ACCORDING TO

ADMINISTRATION OFFICIALS, THE

MAGIC WORDS TO GET HIM TO HELP

WITH A PARDON ARE: "UNJUST

PERSECUTION."

TAKE WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE

FORMER PRESIDENT OF HONDURAS,

JUAN ORLANDO HERNÁNDEZ, WHO WAS

PARDONED AFTER ROGER STONE,

FAMOUS HAT SALESMAN, ADVOCATED

ON HIS BEHALF, AND AFTER

HERNANDEZ'S WIFE APPEARED ON

MATT GAETZ'S SHOW TO CLAIM THAT,

JUST LIKE TRUMP, "MY HUSBAND IS

A VICTIM OF THE DOJ'S BIDEN

LAWFARE AGENDA."

WHICH IS A PRETTY BIG STRETCH,

GIVEN WHAT HER HUSBAND WAS

CONVICTED OF.

>> HERNANDEZ WAS CONVICTED IN

2024 OF WHAT PROSECUTORS CALLED

ONE OF THE BIGGEST AND MOST

VIOLENT NARCOTRAFFICKING

CONSPIRACIES IN THE WORLD,

PROTECTING DRUG ROUTES IN

EXCHANGE FOR MILLIONS.

IN TOTAL, PROSECUTORS SAID, HE

HELPED FLOOD THE U.S. WITH MORE

THAN 400 TONS OF COCAINE.

HE ALLEGEDLY EVEN BOASTED THEY

WERE GOING TO STUFF COCAINE UP

THE GRINGOS' NOSES.

>> John: YEAH, PRETTY BAD!

THE VIOLENT DRUG CONSPIRACY

PART, THAT IS, NOT THE "STUFF

COCAINE UP GRINGOS' NOSES."

IF ANYTHING, THAT'S JUST HELPFUL

CUSTOMER SERVICE.

THAT'S AT-HOME INSTALLATION AND

TROUBLESHOOTING.

IT'S ESSENTIALLY GEEK SQUAD BUT

FOR COCAINE.

AND IF YOU'RE THINKING, WAIT.

WASN'T "STOPPING THE FLOW OF

DRUGS ACROSS THE SOUTHERN

BORDER" TRUMP'S WHOLE DEAL?

ISN'T THAT WHY WE RECENTLY

KIDNAPPED A DIFFERENT SOUTH

COUNTRY'S LEADER, AND WHY WE'RE

BLOWING UP BOATS OFF VENEZUELA

ON A REGULAR BASIS?

IN FACT, WASN'T "THEY'RE

BRINGING DRUGS" ONE OF THE FIRST

THINGS TRUMP BURPED INTO OUR

COLLECTIVE BRAINS A DECADE AGO

AFTER DESCENDING FROM HELL'S

MEZZANINE?

YEAH!

IT VERY MUCH WAS!

AND IF THE WORLD HAD ANY

JUSTICE, HIS SHOELACES WOULD

HAVE GOTTEN STUCK RIGHT THEN AND

THERE, AND TODAY, INSTEAD OF

INTUITIVELY ASSOCIATING TRUMP

WITH AMERICA IMPLODING, WE'D

JUST ASSOCIATE HIM WITH THE NEED

TO BE REALLY CAREFUL AT THE

MALL.

LOOK UP FROM YOUR PHONE, ALYSSA.

YOU DON'T WANT TO GET TRUMP'D

OUTSIDE AN AMERICAN EAGLE.

LEARN FROM HISTORY.

BUT MAYBE THE BEST WAY TO

UNDERSTAND JUST HOW FULLY THE

BRAKES HAVE COME OFF IS TO LOOK

AT WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE CRYPTO

TRADING PLATFORM BINANCE.

IN 2023, THE COMPANY AND ITS

CEO, CHANGPENG ZHAO, WHO GOES BY

"CZ," PLED GUILTY TO VIOLATING

ANTI-MONEY LAUNDERING LAWS.

THE DOJ SAID ZHAO HAD CAUSED

SIGNIFICANT HARM TO U.S.

NATIONAL SECURITY BY ALLOWING

SANCTIONED IRANIAN CRYPTO

EXCHANGES, RUSSIAN

DRUG-TRAFFICKERS, HAMAS

MILITANTS, AND OTHER CRIMINAL

GROUPS TO MOVE BILLIONS OF

DOLLARS THROUGH THE EXCHANGE.

AND IT WAS A PRETTY SLAM DUNK

CASE, WITH AMONG OTHER THINGS,

INTERNAL COMMUNICATIONS FROM

EMPLOYEES, INCLUDING ITS CHIEF

COMPLIANCE OFFICER TEXTING A

COWORKER, "LIKE COME ON.

THEY ARE HERE FOR CRIME," TO

WHICH THE COLLEAGUE REPLIED,

"WE SEE THE BAD, BUT WE CLOSE

2 EYES."

WHICH IS BOTH AN FLAGRANT

ADMISSION OF GUILT AND ALSO, A

FRANKLY GORGEOUS WAY TO DESCRIBE

PLAYING PEEKABOO.

BINANCE'S PLEA AGREEMENTS

CONSTITUTED THE LARGEST

SETTLEMENTS IN HISTORY, AND THE

COMPANY PAID MORE THAN

$4 BILLION IN FINES.

AND YET, SEEMINGLY OUT OF

NOWHERE, TRUMP GAVE ZHAO A FULL

PARDON.

AND WHEN ASKED ABOUT THAT JUST A

FEW DAYS LATER, HIS ANSWER

WASN'T GREAT.

>> HE PLED GUILTY IN 2023 TO

VIOLATING ANTI-MONEY LAUNDERING

LAWS.

>> RIGHT.

>> THE GOVERNMENT AT THE TIME

SAID THAT CZ HAD CAUSED

SIGNIFICANT HARM TO U.S.

NATIONAL SECURITY, ESSENTIALLY

BY ALLOWING TERRORIST GROUPS

LIKE HAMAS --

>> MM-HMM.

>> TO MOVE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS

AROUND.

WHY DID YOU PARDON HIM?

>> OKAY.

ARE YOU READY?

I DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS.

I KNOW HE GOT A FOUR-MONTH

SENTENCE OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

AND I HEARD IT WAS A BIDEN WITCH

HUNT.

>> John: THERE IT IS,

THERE IT IS, TRUMP'S CLASSIC

MOVE OF CLAIMING HE DOESN'T KNOW

SOMEONE AFTER IT TURNS OUT HIS

ASSOCIATION WITH THEM MIGHT BE A

PROBLEM.

HE LITERALLY SAYS "ARE YOU

READY?," AS IF TO PREPARE

EVERYONE FOR THE INCOMING

BULLSHIT.

"OKAY, BUCKLE THE FUCK UP,

EVERYONE, BECAUSE EVEN BY MY

STANDARDS, THIS LIE IS ABOUT TO

BE AN ABSOLUTE DOOZY!"

BUT ZHAO'S PARDON MAY NOT "JUST"

HAVE BEEN DOWN TO THE "BIDEN

WITCH HUNT" FACTOR.

BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT, JUST

MONTHS BEFORE IT CAME THROUGH,

BINANCE HAD DONE A CRYPTO DEAL

THAT BENEFITED THE TRUMP FAMILY

MASSIVELY.

VERY BASICALLY, UAE INVESTMENT

FUND, BROKERED A $2 BILLION

TRANSACTION USING THE CRYPTO

COIN ASSOCIATED WITH THE TRUMP

THAT TRANSACTION PARKED $2

BILLION INDEFINITELY WITH THE

COMPANY, OFF OF WHICH THE TRUMPS

COULD THEN EARN INTEREST.

AND WHILE BINANCE WILL INSIST

THERE WAS NO QUID PRO QUO AND

THAT IT DIDN'T CHOOSE THE CRYPTO

COIN IN QUESTION, EVEN IF THAT'S

TRUE, IT CAN VERY MUCH DETERMINE

HOW LONG WORLD LIBERTY CONTINUES

EARNING INTEREST ON THAT TWO

BILLION DOLLARS, WHICH IS PRETTY

MEANINGFUL, GIVEN EVEN A 4%

YIELD WOULD GENERATE $80 MILLION

ANNUALLY, OF WHICH THE TRUMP

FAMILY WOULD BE ENTITLED TO

ABOUT $30 MILLION A YEAR.

WHICH IS A LOT OF MONEY.

I MEAN, $30 MILLION DOLLARS!

THAT'S A MILLION SIGNED ITALIAN

FELONY HATS!

THAT'S RICCHEZZA!

AND IT'S NOT JUST ME THAT THINKS

ZHAO'S PARDON LOOKS BAD.

EVEN JOE LONSDALE, THE

CO-FOUNDER OF PALANTIR, TWEETED,

TRUMP HAS BEEN TERRIBLY ADVISED

ON THIS, IT MAKES IT LOOK LIKE

MASSIVE FRAUD IS HAPPENING

AROUND HIM IN THIS AREA."

AND I DON'T LOVE BEING ON THE

SAME SIDE AS THE HEAD OF

IT MAKES ME SECOND GUESS

EVERYTHING.

IMAGINE IF TUCKER CARLSON

ANNOUNCED "THE COMEBACK" IS HIS

FAVORITE SHOW OF ALL TIME, I

THINK I'D KILL MYSELF.

SO, WHAT DO WE DO?

WELL, LEGALLY, THERE'S NOT MUCH

WE CAN DO.

ESPECIALLY GIVEN THE SUPREME

COURT'S FOUND A PRESIDENT CAN'T

BE PROSECUTED FOR OFFICIAL ACTS,

WHICH GIVING OUT PARDONS

UNQUESTIONABLY IS.

AND WHILE SOME CRITICS HAVE

SUGGESTED REINING IN THE

PRESIDENT'S PARDON POWER, I'D

WANT TO TREAD VERY CAREFULLY

THERE.

BECAUSE HISTORICALLY, THE HARM

OF SKETCHY PARDONS HAS GENERALLY

BEEN OFFSET BY CLEMENCY COMING

FOR MANY MORE WHO ACTUALLY

DESERVED IT.

THE PROBLEM IS, RIGHT NOW, IT

FEELS THAT RATIO'S BEEN

REVERSED, AND THAT OUTSIDE OF A

FEW EXCEPTIONS, IT'S BASICALLY

JUST THE SCUMBAGS AND FRAUDSTERS

WITH CONNECTIONS TO TRUMP WHO

GET PARDONS.

AS ONE LAWYER PUT IT, "IF YOU'RE

JUST AN AVERAGE CITIZEN, YOU

CAN'T EVEN GET IN THE LINE.

"I TOLD MY GUY HE'D PROBABLY BE

BETTER OFF IF HE BROKE INTO THE

CAPITOL OR MADE A MAJOR DONATION

TO TRUMP'S INAUGURATION."

WHICH IS PRETTY BLEAK.

ISN'T IT?

ESPECIALLY GIVEN JUST HOW MUCH

TRUMP LOVES TO RAIL ABOUT HOW

TOUGH HE IS ON LAW AND ORDER.

BUT THAT TOUGHNESS IS CLEARLY

DEEPLY SELECTIVE, BECAUSE HE'LL

HAPPILY PUT VIOLENT PEOPLE AND

FRAUDSTERS BACK ON THE STREETS

TO VICTIMIZE PEOPLE AGAIN, JUST

BECAUSE THEY SUPPORT HIM.

AND THAT'S FRANKLY NOT LIKELY TO

STOP ANYTIME SOON.

IN FACT, HE'S REPORTEDLY

PROMISED HIS TOP ADMINISTRATION

OFFICIALS PARDONS BEFORE HE

LEAVES OFFICE, EFFECTIVELY

MEANING THAT THEY CAN GET AWAY

WITH ANY FEDERAL CRIMES THEY MAY

COMMIT DURING HIS SECOND TERM.

WHICH, AMONG OTHER THINGS, MEANS

THAT RFK JR. IS ABOUT TO ENTER

THE ILLEGAL WILDLIFE TRADE IN

WAYS THAT WE'VE NEVER SEEN

BEFORE.

THE HYPOCRISY HERE IS SO

FLAGRANT.

JUST LAST WEEK, ADMINISTRATION

OFFICIALS TRIUMPHANTLY ANNOUNCED

INDICTMENTS AS PART OF THEIR

ONGOING CRACKDOWN ON MEDICARE

HEALTHCARE FRAUD.

BUT AS REPORTERS QUICKLY POINTED

OUT, SOME OF THOSE FRAUD CASES

SEEMED STRIKINGLY SIMILAR TO

THOSE FOR WHICH TRUMP HAS

GRANTED CLEMENCY, WHEN PEOPLE

HAD CONNECTIONS TO HIM.

AND WHEN ONE REPORTER POINTED

THAT OUT DURING THE DOJ'S PRESS

CONFERENCE, THE ANSWER HE GOT

WAS PRETTY REVEALING.

>> PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS GRANTED

CLEMENCY TO NUMEROUS INDIVIDUALS

WHO HAVE STOLEN HUNDREDS OF

MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN MEDICAID

FUNDS.

CAN WE EXPECT AIMEE BOCK OR ANY

OF THESE FOLKS TO BE SHOWN THE

SAME MERCY IN THE FUTURE?

>> I'LL TAKE A DIFFERENT

QUESTION AS THE FINAL QUESTION.

>> John: I MEAN, THAT'S NOT EVEN

AN ATTEMPT TO EXPLAIN.

AND IF SOMEONE IS DODGING A

QUESTION THAT HARD, IT MEANS THE

ANSWER IS TRULY BAD.

IF YOU ASKED YOUR GIRLFRIEND,

"WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

AND SHE SAYS "I'LL TAKE A

DIFFERENT QUESTION," GO AHEAD

AND DOWNLOAD HINGE BECAUSE

WHATEVER THE REAL ANSWER IS DOES

NOT BODE WELL FOR YOU.

AND LOOK, WHILE THAT ANSWER IS

CLEARLY LAUGHABLE, THE

UNDERLYING MESSAGE IS PRETTY

DARK.

BECAUSE I KNOW IT'S NOT NEWS

THAT AMERICA HAS A TWO-TIERED

JUSTICE SYSTEM, BUT THIS IS

TAKING IT TO AN ABSURD EXTREME.

THE WAY WE'RE GOING RIGHT NOW,

WE MAY END UP AT A POINT WHERE

WE DON'T SO MUCH HAVE A SYSTEM

OF LAWS, AS WE JUST HAVE A GUY.

AND IF YOU'RE ON THAT GUY'S

TEAM, YOU BASICALLY GET TO

COMMIT CRIMES.

AND THAT'S JUST NOT THE SOCIAL

CONTRACT ANY OF US SIGNED UP

FOR.

ALL OF THIS IS A VERY, VERY

SLIPPERY SLOPE.

AND THE PROBLEM IS, MUCH LIKE A

NIKOLA TRUCK, ONCE WE START

GOING DOWN THAT SLOPE, IT COULD

BE VERY HARD TO COME BACK.

AND NOW THIS.

>> Announcer: AND NOW,

PEOPLE CALLING INTO C-SPAN ON

THEIR BIRTHDAY PARKA

>> DON IS NEXT PARK OF LIKE

GOOD MORNING.

>> GOOD MORNING, IT'S MY

BIRTHDAY.

>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

>> ELROY WISCONSIN, INDEPENDENT

COLOR.

>> GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY.

I'M 84 YEARS OLD.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

>> I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN AND I'M

80 YEARS OLD.

>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

>> I PLAN TO BE ON THIS EARTH.

>> HOW OLD ARE YOU, VIVIAN?

>> 72 YEARS OLD.

>> HAPPY 72ND BIRTHDAY.

>> I CAME IN THIS WORLD 86 YEARS

AGO TODAY.

>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

>> THANK YOU, I FEEL GOOD ABOUT

THAT.

I'M STILL KICKING.

>> I JUST TURNED 90.

>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

>> THANKS.

>> TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAY, I

HAVE TWO VACCINES AND THE

BOOSTER AND I'M SICK RIGHT NOW.

AND SO GOODBYE.

>> HOW OLD ARE YOU?

>> 76.

NO, GOD, 75.

>> HAPPY 75TH BIRTHDAY.

>> GOOD MORNING.

>> IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, I'VE BEEN

TRYING TO GET IN FOR MONTHS AND

I FINALLY GOT IN.

>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

>> FIRST OF ALL I WANT TO SAY

TODAY'S MY BIRTHDAY.

>> GOOD MORNING, STEVE, I CANNOT

TELL YOU HOW EXCITED I AM TO SEE

YOU BACK ON THE AIR.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND I CAN TELL

YOU IT'S THE BEST BIRTHDAY GIFT

I'VE EVER RECEIVED.

WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU

BACK.

VERY EXCITED.

>> GOOD MORNING, GRETA.

TODAY'S MY BIRTHDAY.

>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

>> THANK YOU.

PRAYER TO THE EXPLOSION OF THE

CHALLENGER.

MEMORABLE ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY.

BUT SINCE THEN PEOPLE REMEMBER

IT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> John: MOVING ON.

BEFORE WE GO, A QUICK WORD ABOUT

MOVIE POSTERS.

HELPING BOYS IN COLLEGE MAKE

TERRIBLE DECORATING DECISIONS

FROM THE JUMP.

"HELLO, MY PERSONALITY IS

'SCARFACE,' WELCOME TO MY HOLE."

THE BEST POSTERS FIND A WAY TO

SUM UP A FILM IN A SINGLE IMAGE,

WHETHER IT'S UMA THURMAN DOING

SOME ARMED BEDTIME READING, OR

JODIE FOSTER WITH A DEATH MOTH

ON HER FACE, OR "GHOST," WHICH

CONVEYS IN AN INSTANT THAT IT'S

A SEXY SUPERNATURAL ROMANCE.

BUT I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU

ANOTHER POSTER FOR THAT SAME

MOVIE, THAT WENT IN A DIFFERENT

DIRECTION.

>> THIS OBVIOUSLY LOOKS NOTHING

LIKE THE ACTUAL POSTER FOR

"GHOST."

NONE OF THIS HAPPENS IN "GHOST."

YOU HAVE PATRICK SWAYZE HERE,

DEMI MOORE KIND OF SCREAMING IN

AGONY, AND WHOOPI GOLDBERG'S

HEAD BURSTING THROUGH

DEMI MOORE'S BODY.

AGAIN, NONE OF THAT HAPPENS IN

THE MOVIE.

>> John: THAT IS EXCELLENT.

ESPECIALLY HER CLARIFYING, "NONE

OF THAT HAPPENS IN THE MOVIE."

GIRL, WE KNOW.

EVEN IF ALL YOU KNOW ABOUT GHOST

IS POTTERY THAT FUCKS, YOU'RE

PROBABLY AWARE THAT

WHOOPI GOLDBERG DOES NOT

"HERE'S JOHNNY" HER WAY OUT OF

DEMI MOORE'S UTERUS.

THAT POSTER'S JUST ONE EXAMPLE

IN THE INCREDIBLE WORLD OF

GHANAIAN MOVIE POSTERS.

IT TURNS OUT, ARTISTS THERE HAVE

BEEN MAKING THEIR OWN

HAND-PAINTED POSTERS FOR DECADES

NOW, LIKE THIS AMAZING ONE FOR

JURASSIC PARK, FEATURING A

GOLFER FOR SOME REASON, TO THIS

ONE FOR "THE SPY WHO LOVED ME"

THAT'S UNEXPECTEDLY

FISH-FORWARD, TO THIS ONE FOR

"HARD BOILED," WHICH FEATURES

CHOW YUN FAT SHOOTING SOME BAD

GUYS SO HARD, ONE OF THEIR HEADS

COMES OFF.

AND THERE'S AN INTERESTING

EXPLANATION FOR THIS TRADITION.

BACK IN THE 1980s, THE

WIDESPREAD INTRODUCTION OF

FOREIGN VIDEOCASSETTES INTO

GHANA LED TO THE CREATION OF A

"MOBILE CINEMA" PHENOMENON --

BASICALLY, LOCAL ENTREPRENEURS

BOUGHT TV MONITORS, VCRs, AND

PORTABLE GAS-POWERED GENERATORS,

THEN TRAVELED AROUND SETTING UP

MAKESHIFT SCREENING AREAS IN

VILLAGES WITH LIMITED OR NO

ELECTRICITY.

BUT THEY HIT A ROADBLOCK WHEN IT

CAME TO ADVERTISING.

BECAUSE AT THAT TIME, GHANA WAS

UNDER A MILITARY DICTATORSHIP,

WHOSE LAWS HAD CUT OFF THE

IMPORTATION OF THE LARGE-SCALE

OFFSET PRINTING PRESSES YOU'D

USE TO MAKE POSTERS.

SO INSTEAD, LOCAL ARTISTS WERE

COMMISSIONED TO MAKE THEIR OWN

-- OFTEN USING REPURPOSED FLOUR

SACKS AS A CANVAS.

AND AS THIS ARTIST EXPLAINS,

THEY HAD A LOT OF FREEDOM TO

IMPROVISE.

>> IN THOSE DAYS, THERE WERE

POSTERS THAT WOULD COME WITH THE

MOVIES, BUT WE'D DECIDE WHAT TO

PAINT BY WATCHING THE MOVIES

OURSELVES AND SELECTING THE

SCENES THAT WE WANTED TO SEE.

>> WESTERN ACTION FILMS WERE

MAINSTAYS AS WERE THOSE FROM

CHINA AND BOLLYWOOD.

MANY POSTERS INCLUDE PARANORMAL

ELEMENTS AND GRATUITOUS

VIOLENCE, EVEN IF THE FILMS HAD

NONE.

>> John: I LOVE THAT IDEA.

GIVING SOMEONE THE FREEDOM TO

MAKE MOVIES SEEM MORE

INTERESTING THAN THEY MIGHT

OTHERWISE BE.

BECAUSE IT'S LED TO SOME TRULY

UNIQUE REPRESENTATIONS.

FOR INSTANCE, THIS POSTER FOR

"PREDATOR" HAS PREDATOR HOLDING

A NAKED WOMAN IN THE BACKGROUND

WHICH DOESN'T HAPPEN IN THE

MOVIE.

AND THIS ONE FOR "HELLRAISER

III" HAS PINHEAD EATING A PERSON

WHOLE, WHICH WASN'T IN THE

MOVIE, BUT FRANKLY SHOULD'VE

BEEN.

ALTHOUGH, AS THIS CULTURAL

ANTHROPOLOGIST EXPLAINS, THAT

APPROACH HAD BOTH PROS AND CONS.

>> SOMETIMES YOU HAVE THINGS

DEPICTED ON THE POSTERS THAT

WILL AROUSE YOUR INTEREST

BECAUSE YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE

GOING TO SEE THOSE DEPICTIONS IN

THOSE MOVIES.

IT CREATED TENSIONS WHERE YOU

HAVE CERTAIN FOLKS DEMANDING

THEIR MONEY BACK BECAUSE THEY'VE

BEEN DECEIVED, RIGHT?

>> John: YEAH, THAT MAKES SENSE!

IF YOU BUY A TICKET TO THE SPY

WHO LOVED ME THINKING YOU'RE

GOING TO SEE THE BIG RED FISH

AND HE HASN'T SHOWN UP AN HOUR

INTO THE MOVIE, YOU'RE GOING TO

START WHISPERING TO YOUR DATE

"I'M SO SORRY.

I KNOW YOU WANTED TO SEE THE BIG

RED FISH.

I'M SO SORRY."

AND IF YOUR DATE HAPPENS TO BE A

BIG RED FISH, YOU'D ALSO HAVE TO

SAY "I KNOW THERE AREN'T A LOT

OF GOOD REPRESENTATIONS OF BIG

RED FISH AND YOU WANTED TO SEE

YOURSELF AND YOUR STRUGGLES ON

THE SCREEN.

AGAIN, I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT

THIS."

BUT HE'S NOT KIDDING.

ONE GHANAIAN ARTIST SAID, FOR A

CHINESE MOVIE HE ASSUMED WAS A

MARTIAL-ARTS FILM, HE PAINTED

ACTOR JET LI DELIVERING A

BEATDOWN.

BUT NEITHER JET LI NOR FIGHTING

WAS IN THE FILM.

AND WHEN ANGRY CUSTOMERS BEGAN

DEMANDING THEIR MONEY BACK, HE

SNEAKED OUT.

AND WHILE ALL THIS WAS BORN OUT

OF COMMERCE, IT WAS TRULY AN ART

FORM -- MANY OF THE ARTISTS WERE

WELL-TRAINED AND DID

THREE-TO-FOUR-YEAR

APPRENTICESHIPS.

BUT AFTER THE DICTATORSHIP FELL,

AND GHANAIANS GAINED ACCESS TO

CHEAP PRINTING TECHNIQUES AND

HOME TV SETS, THE DEMAND FOR

THESE ARTISTS' SERVICES

DECLINED.

UNFORTUNATELY, MANY WERE UNABLE

TO MAKE A LIVING AS ARTISTS, AND

HAD TO GO BACK TO DOING ORDINARY

JOBS.

BUT THANKFULLY, AFTER ATTRACTING

INTERNATIONAL ATTENTION OVER THE

PAST DECADE, GHANAIAN ARTISTS,

PARTNERING WITH THIS GALLERY,

HAVE BEEN GETTING COMMISSIONED

TO MAKE NEW POSTERS FOR

COLLECTORS AND FANS.

SOME HAVE SPECIALIZED IN TAKING

NON-ACTION MOVIES AND AMPING UP

THE VIOLENCE.

LIKE IN THIS ONE FROM

"FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF,"

WHERE EVERYONE HAS GUNS AND

JENNIFER GRAY IS SLITTING

CAMERON'S THROAT BECAUSE SHE HAS

HAD ENOUGH, OR THIS ONE FOR THE

"WIZARD OF OZ" WHERE EVERY

SUPPORTING CHARACTER IS A

VAMPIRE, THE TINMAN DOESN'T HAVE

A HEART BUT DOES HAVE A BLEEDING

HUMAN ARM THAT HE APPEARS TO

HAVE CUT OFF WITH HIS OWN AXE,

AND TOTO IS THE ONLY ONE

REACTING APPROPRIATELY.

MEANWHILE ACTION MOVIES CAN IT

AMPED UP EVEN FURTHER.

"STAR WARS," FEATURING A CAR

THEN THERE'S THIS ONE FOR

"STAR WARS," FEATURING A CAR

CRASH, MULTIPLE EXPLODING

TORSOS, AN ANT ATTACK, AND YODA

GOING ABSOLUTELY FERAL.

ALL OF WHICH ARE ENOUGH TO

DISTRACT YOU FROM THE FACT THERE

IS A FUCKING WEREWOLF ON THE

POSTER.

BUT THE MORE YOU STUDY THESE

POSTERS, THE MORE YOU START TO

SEE SOME PATTERNS.

SNAKES ARE A CONSTANT MOTIF,

SHOWING UP IN UNEXPECTED PLACES,

LIKE IN THIS POSTER FOR COOL

RUNNINGS: SNAKE!

OR THIS ONE FOR "THE MATRIX."

SNAKES!

AND MORE SNAKES!

OR THIS ONE FOR "WILLY WONKA AND

THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY," WITH

SNAKES LAUNCHING THEMSELVES OUT

OF A DEMONIC VIOLET BEAUREGARDE.

OTHER POSTERS SHOEHORN IN

CHARACTERS THAT DON'T APPEAR IN

THE FILM, LIKE THIS VERSION OF

"MAGIC MIKE" FEATURING MACHO MAN

RANDY SAVAGE, OR THIS VERSION OF

"FLUBBER" FEATURING ALVIN AND

THE CHIPMUNKS, WHERE NOT ONLY

ARE THEY AT THE BEACH, BUT ALSO

FLUBBER HAS TWO GUNS.

OR THIS PORTRAYAL OF THE SHARK

FROM "JAWS" WITH RIPPLING ABS,

AND ALSO CHUCK NORRIS.

THESE ARTISTS ARE INCREDIBLE.

AND JUST THINK OF THE TALENT IT

TAKES TO BE PRESENTED WITH A

MOVIE LIKE SAY "PADDINGTON," A

MOVIE WHERE FAMOUSLY AN ORPHANED

BEAR GOES TO LONDON, AND IS

TAKEN IN BY A KINDLY FAMILY, BUT

THEN HAVE THE IMAGINATION TO

SAY, "OKAY, I THINK I GOT IT, SO

FOR A POSTER...

YOU PROBABLY WANT SOMETHING LIKE

THIS, THEN?"

THAT'S AN ABSOLUTE MASTERPIECE!

AND I'M GENUINELY GLAD THESE

POSTERS ARE BECOMING POPULAR

AGAIN, ESPECIALLY BECAUSE AS

THAT ANTHROPOLOGIST POINTS OUT,

IT'S HELPING KEEP A TRADITION

ALIVE.

>> WE NEED TO HAVE A WAY OF

MOTIVATING, YOU KNOW, UPCOMING

ARTISTS TO BE ROOTED IN THIS

TRADITION.

TO PRESERVE THIS WAY OF

PAINTING, WE NEED TO HAVE A WAY

OF MOTIVATING THESE ARTISTS TO

GROW

>> John: HE'S RIGHT, ARTISTS

NEED SUPPORT.

EVEN DA VINCI HAD WEALTHY

PATRONS, ALTHOUGH TO BE FAIR, IF

HE HAD BEEN REGULARLY CRANKING

OUT GOLD LIKE THIS FACE-OFF

POSTER, HE MIGHT HAVE HAD A LOT

MORE.

IF I'M A MEDICI, I'M THROWING

ALL MY FLORINS AT THAT.

AND WHILE WE CAN MOURN THE LOSS

OF THE ORIGINAL PURPOSE OF THESE

POSTERS -- WHICH, REMEMBER, WAS

TO LURE UNSUSPECTING GHANAIANS

TO SEE MOVIES BY COMPLETELY

MISREPRESENTING THE NUMBER OF

DECAPITATIONS IN "SPACE JAM" --

IT IS NICE TO KNOW THESE ARTISTS

ARE FINDING A NEW MARKET AMONG

INTERNATIONAL COLLECTORS.

BECAUSE YOU CAN STILL GET SOME

GREAT CUSTOM WORK DONE.

AND THE REASON I KNOW THAT IS...

WE ACTUALLY REACHED OUT TO THAT

GALLERY TO COMMISSION A POSTER

FOR THIS SHOW.

AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY: EACH

YEAR, DURING EMMY VOTING SEASON,

HBO LAUNCHES A CAMPAIGN ON

BEHALF OF ITS SHOWS, WITH

TASTEFUL ADS LIKE THESE.

THEY EVEN RENT OUT BILLBOARDS IN

L.A.

FOR THE ADS.

AND WHILE THEY'RE ALWAYS DONE IN

A RESTRAINED, CLASSY STYLE, IT'S

NEVER REALLY FELT LIKE IT SPOKE

TO THE CHAOS WE LIKE TO THINK WE

STAND FOR HERE.

SO WE COMMISSIONED A GHANAIAN

POSTER ARTIST TO MAKE SOMETHING

DIFFERENT FOR US THIS YEAR.

WE SENT THEM A FEW IMAGES FROM

THE LAST YEAR OF OUR SHOW --

INCLUDING ME TRYING TO FORCE MY

WAY ONTO A SOAP OPERA, MY WIFE

WANDA JO HELPING ME OPEN A MED

SPA, AND OUR MOON MAMMOTH

MASCOT.

BUT WE DIDN'T TELL THEM MUCH

ELSE ABOUT WHAT THIS SHOW

ACTUALLY WAS.

AND WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE WHAT

THEY CAME UP WITH?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

PLEASE, COME WITH ME.

♪ ♪

BECAUSE ALL WE ASKED THEM TO DO

WAS TO USE THEIR IMAGINATION,

INCLUDE AT LEAST ONE CHARACTER

WHO IS NOT A PART OF THIS SHOW,

AND TO USE AS MANY OF THEIR

REGULAR TACTICS AS THEY WANTED

TO.

SO MAY I PRESENT TO YOU, FROM

GHANAIAN ARTIST C.A. WISELY, A

POSTER THAT I THINK TRULY

REPRESENTS WHAT THIS SHOW IS

ABOUT.

BEHOLD!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪

LOOK AT THIS MASTERPIECE!

IT HAS EVERYTHING THAT YOU WANT

-- IT'S GOT ME HOLDING A GUN,

AND ALSO A SECOND GUN.

IT'S GOT OUR WOODEN CABBAGE MAN

STATUE FROM OUR AI SLOP STORY.

IT'S GOT ME DRINKING WINE WITH A

HORSE, WHO BY THE WAY, SEEMS TO

HAVE AN ELEGANT HUMAN HAND.

IT'S GOT A CHAINSAW CUTTING

THROUGH TENTACLES, BLOOD,

SNAKES, AN EXPLOSION, AND ALSO,

THE FUCKING FONZ IS THERE, AND

HE IS HOLDING A PICKAXE FOR NO

CLEAR REASON, OTHER THAN, I'M

GUESSING, TO DEFEND HIMSELF FROM

EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENING

AROUND HIM.

I LOVE THIS PAINTING SO MUCH.

I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE, IT'S

AN AD FOR A MUCH MORE

ENTERTAINING SHOW THAN THE ONE

YOU JUST WATCHED.

NOW WE'VE SHOWN THIS TO HBO, AND

THEY'VE AGREED TO PUT IT ON

THEIR DIGITAL BILLBOARD OVER

SUNSET BOULEVARD NEXT MONTH,

FROM 2 A.M. TO 6 A.M. ONLY.

WHICH IS THE FUNNIEST POSSIBLE

TIME FOR IT TO BE UP THERE.

BUT THIS POSTER CAN ALSO BE IN

YOUR HOME, BECAUSE WE'RE SELLING

HIGH QUALITY PRINTS OF IT FOR

$50, WITH ALL PROCEEDS GOING TO

GHANAIAN ARTISTS, AND COMMUNITY

LED CHARITIES ACROSS GHANA.

YOU CAN FRAME THIS POSTER AND

PUT IT UP ON ANY WALL OF YOUR

HOUSE, AND YOU CAN FIND IT AT

HangJohnOliver.com.

A URL I'M HONESTLY A LITTLE

SURPRISED WAS STILL AVAILABLE.

THAT'S OUR SHOW.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.

WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

GOOD NIGHT!

IT'S BEAUTIFUL!

IT'S JUST A BEAUTIFUL.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪