All language subtitles for 23 - Carry On Matron

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There it is, Finisham Hospital

- our next job.
- What? A maternity hospital?

That's it. Headquarters
of the famous Pudding Club.

- What have they got to nick?
- Pills.

Pills?

Not just ordinary pills, the pill.

They've got hundreds of thousands in there.

What? In a maternity hospital?

It's closing the stable door
after the horse has gone.

No, no, no. They're just stored there
for use in the family planning clinics.

Dad, if they hand them out free,
what can you make out of them?

Nothing here, son.

But I know a couple of countries that'll take
as many as they can get and pay a fortune.

TANNOY: Dr Cross.

Dr Cross to Casualty, please.

Well, Miss Willing, so you're leaving us.

Yeah. Not exactly empty-handed, neither.

Oh, now, now, you mustn't be bitter about it.
You have a beautiful baby there.

I wish I had one like it.

Yes, well, if you run into the same bloke as I did,
you can have one.

- Who's this, then?
- That's Sir Bernard Cutting, the head chopper.

Ah, another little angel leaving the fold.

Let me have a last look at the little chap.

You can have him for keeps
as far as I'm concerned.

Careful, my dear. I might take you up on that.

- (Baby cries)
- He's a splendid little fellow, isn't he?

Yes, he is.

Oh. I think you can have him back now.

Again? That's the fifth this morning.

- He must have a leak.
- I think he's just had one.

- Good morning, Sir Bernard.
- Morning, Arthur. Good morning, Matron.

- How are you?
- I'm all right. Why shouldn't I be all right?

- I look all right, don't I?
- Oh, you've never looked better.

Then why did you ask me how I was?

No particular reason.
Just with all this Asian flu about.

What Asian flu?

Oh, it's only what I read in the papers.

You can't believe a thing you read in the papers.

Asian flu indeed!

What a lot of rubbish.

Would you like to do the rounds now?

What?

No. I can't be bothered with all that today.
I don't feel well enough.

I think I've got Asian flu.

Poor Sir Bernard. He's only got to read of
some complaint and he's convinced he's got it.

I wonder if he's read Gone With The Wind.

H... I...

Influenza. Asian.

Asian flu. Highly infectious virus disease,
often resulting in death.

Death!

Symptoms:

fever, dizziness, rapid pulse,
yellowing of the eyeballs.

(Whistle)

- Matron, any news yet, then?
- Oh, Mr Tidey, are you still here?

Of course I'm still here.
I've been here since 10:42 last night, haven't I?

I should know.
I'd just seen the 10:17 off to Reading.

- Did you indeed?
- Stopping all stations except Eton and Twyford.

Quite. And haven't you had your baby yet?

Well, of course I haven't.

I wouldn't be still here, would I?

Here, what's gone wrong? What's happening?

Perhaps we're running a little late, Mr Tidey.

Well, I can't hang around here.
I've got work to do, you know.

Well, I'm just going round the wards.
I'll find out what the situation is.

Tell her I've been here all night,
and to get her finger out.

You wait here. I'll case the joint.

Morning.

- Visiting?
- Well, I'm not producing.

I mean, are you expecting a baby, or what?

Oh, definitely a baby. I don't like whats.

- The waiting room is over there.
- Thank you, mate.

If it's a boy, I'll name him Happy, after you.

Bye!

Blimey, she looked upset, doc.

- I'm not surprised. I told her she was pregnant.
- What?

- Is she really?
- No, but it certainly cured her hiccups.

- Excuse me.
- Yes?

Are you expectant, or have you had it?

No. But if you can spare the time...

- Wait in there, please.
- Thank you.

- Did they just send for you?
- That's right.

It don't mean anything, you know. The last
two weeks, they've sent for me nine times.

All I've had is a cup of tea and a biscuit.

It's not good enough. I'd tell them to forget it.

- How can you forget it?
- Cancel the whole thing.

But we've done it, haven't we?

How can you cancel it?

Tell 'em you've changed your mind.

Oh... wey!

Has she had it, then?

I...

Could you get me
The Guinness Book Of Records, please?

- Good morning, Nurse Ball.
- Good morning, Matron.

- Where's Sister?
- In delivery, Matron. Mrs Hodgkiss has gone in.

- Oh, good. And what about Mrs Tidey?
- Afraid not.

She's back here again.

- Another false alarm, Mrs Tidey?
- I'm afraid so. I reckon it was just wind again.

I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Well, now, you're three weeks overdue
and your husband's getting very impatient.

Him?

Well, he can talk. It took him seven years
to get me pregnant.

Now I am, I'm going to enjoy myself.

If nothing happens soon,
we must think about inducing labour.

What? Just to please him?

Oh, it's only a bit over nine months.
He should be thankful I'm not an elephant.

Well, I'm sure we're all very thankful for that,
Mrs Tidey.

(Sobbing)

NURSE BALL: Now, stop being silly, Mrs Pullitt.

Your baby's perfectly all right.

He's not! He's not!

- What's the matter, Nurse?
- It's nothing, Matron.

What do you mean?
I tell you, there's something wrong with him.

Nonsense, Mrs Pullitt. You have a fine little boy.

Take a look at his little thing, then.

MATRON: His what? Oh...

Well, I can't see anything wrong with it.

But it's all bent to one side.

Don't you worry, Mrs Pullitt. We'll have
everything straightened out before you leave.

How the hell can we change our minds?

You can't undo what's already been done,
can you?

What's been done, then?

- She has.
- Has she?

She's over nine months gone.

Don't worry, mate. She'll come back.

How can you come... back?

Oh...

Matron.

- Well, what's happened?
- I'm afraid it was another false alarm, Mr Tidey.

- You may as well go back to work.
- Go back to work?

It was due three weeks ago.

Well, I'm sorry, Mr Tidey,
but babies tend to arrive when they feel like it.

There's nothing we can do about it.

That's a fine state of affairs, innit, eh?

We'd soon be in a right old mess
if we ran the railways like that.

I was under the impression that you did.

Ha-ha.

- Can I help you at all?
- Er...

No, thanks. I'm just passing the time.

Are you awaiting a birth?

- Yes. That's it.
- Who are you?

- The father. I hope.
- What name is it?

- Name?
- What's your name?

Oh! My name?

I er...

That's funny.

I know I had one when I came in here.

Hang on. Let me think.

- Mr Hodgkiss?
- That's it. Hodgkiss. That's me.

Well, congratulations, Mr Hodgkiss.
Your wife's had twin boys.

Get away!

That's very nice. Thank you very much.

Thank you, too.

Yes, well, I'll be pushing off, then.

Don't you want to see them, or your wife?

No, not just now.
I've got the girlfriend waiting outside.

That'll do, Sister.

- Get moving!
- What's all the fuss, Dad?

I've just become the father of twins.

- Congratulations.
- Oh, shut up. Come on, get. Hurry up!

Did you find out where they keep the pills?

Nah, didn't have time.

But I reckon I know how to now.

Son, you're going to go to work at last.

Dad, couldn't you possibly manage without me?

You're getting on.
You've got to start work sometime, haven't you?

The fact is, I've had this offer of a job.
In insurance.

He wants to go straight
before he's been crooked.

- He doesn't mean it, do you?
- Of course he doesn't.

- Yes, I do.
- He does.

A good job your mother can't hear you.

You promised on her deathbed
you'd go into business with your father.

I was six years old at the time.

Son, I'm depending on you.

You're the only bloke
who could do what I've got in mind.

- If you really mean that, Dad, I suppose...
- That's my boy.

What do you want me to do?

Well, if I could get somebody into this hospital
officially, they'd be able to nose about a bit.

- You mean me.
- You've got it.

- Dad, it's a maternity hospital.
- No, no, no. Not as a patient.

Thank goodness.

As a nurse.

(Car horn blares)

Well, your pulse beat's all right, Sir Bernard.

Strong?

Beautifully strong.

- And that's all right too.
- Normal?

Wonderfully normal.

Well, it wasn't half an hour ago.

I was right up. You ask Miss Banks.
Wasn't I, dear?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Well, I can assure you, whatever else
you may have, it certainly is not Asian flu.

Of course not!

I knew that. I could have told you.

What do you mean,
whatever else I might have had?

Oh, well, you were probably suffering
from some slight digestive upset, or something.

How are your bowels?

My bowels?

They're perfectly all right.
Why bring them into it?

Well, as you well know, Sir Bernard,
irregularity can cause slight fever symptoms.

I'm not irregular.

I'll have you know, I'm one of
the most regular fellows in the business.

- As long as you have no pain, or discomfort...
- Certainly not.

Now, if you'll kindly both stop fussing and go,
I have work to do.

Very well, Sir Bernard.

- Oh, there was one small problem, Sir Bernard.
- What is it?

- Mrs Tidey, in Bunn Ward, you know?
- Yes! What about her?

She's three weeks over her time and I was
wondering if we ought to consider bringing it on.

Bring it on? Bring what on?

- Why, the birth!
- Bring it on, bring it off. What do I care?

Really, Sir Bernard!

Can't anyone else
make a decision around here?

Ask Dr Prodd.
I've got far more important things to worry about.

Very well, Sir Bernard.

And if you'll take my advice,
you'll lie down and have a good rest.

- I don't need a good rest.
(Door slams)

I'm perfectly all right, do you hear?

B... Bowels.

Diseases of. Oh! Diseases of the bowels.

All right. You can get dressed again,
Mrs Jenkins.

Upon my soul, if it ain't Nurse Ball.

The fairest flower of them all.

A present for you, Doctor.

No, no. You cannot tempt me with strong drink.

Funny. Those were my exact words to you
when I first came here.

Touche.

Fresh as a mountain stream.

Why don't you take your shoes and socks off
and have a nice paddle?

I'll get you in the end, you little minx.

Well, Doctor?

Yes. I'm afraid you're pregnant again,
Mrs Jenkins.

- What?
- You're pregnant again.

Oh, no, not again. It's too much. It really is.

I thought you were stopping that nonsense.

- What?
- I thought you were stopping having relations.

Oh, I've tried, Doctor.

But you know what it is? My husband gets into
bed and says, "Are you going to sleep, or what?"

And you say, "What?"

Well, that settles it this time.

Whether he likes it or not,
I'm going to use something from now on.

You'd better, Mrs Jenkins.

What do you think's the safest, Doctor?

For you, Mrs Jenkins, a hearing aid.

- What?
- Oh, dear.

Come on, son. Hurry up.
I want to get you in there by six.

I'm nearly ready.

Women always take a long time dressing.

Especially when they're men.

Well, this is the best I can do.

I fancy you, dear!

Cyril! You look...

- You look lovely.
- Come off it.

- Hello!
- Get off!

Leave her alone.

What do you think, Dad?

- Dad? What's the matter?
- Nothing.

It's just a bit of a shock, that's all.

It's like seeing your poor old mum again.

Well, I think he looks lovely.

- He could have fooled me any time.
- Well, that shouldn't be too difficult.

I think we should get a woman to do it.

No, no, son.

In this business, you never want to trust
a woman to do anything you can do yourself.

I reckon he'll pass. What do you say, Fred?

I was thinking...
Couldn't he do with more here?

What for?

I agree with Freddy. I'd like to see a bit more.

You would.

Don't you realise that's the point?
He doesn't want to draw attention to himself.

If you make 'em any bigger,
everybody's going to start gawping.

- I could stick some socks in.
- Forget it. They're just a couple of knockers.

Them, I mean.

Turn round.

This skirt's a bit tight, isn't it?

I like seeing women in tight skirts.
Especially from behind.

Shut up.

What have you got under here? Tin drawers?

What the hell have you got your trousers on for?

What's the matter? Nobody'll look up there.

How do you know? You're a nurse, aren't you?

A patient might drop in a dead faint at your feet,
come to, look up, what's she going to see?

A lot more without these on.

Shut up laughing. Did you get the knickers?

Yeah. Black lace ones.

I got some strange looks
from the shop assistants.

Go and get 'em. Go on.

Dad, nurses don't wear black lace ones.

They don't wear rolled-up trousers, either.

There they are.

They're OK. What's wrong with 'em?

There's no opening in the front.

- Of course not! Women don't have 'em.
- I know!

Well, shut up arguing and put 'em on.

All right, Dad.

Can't I go disguised as a male orderly?

Are you raving mad? Have you ever heard of
a male orderly wearing black lace knickers?

Well, I certainly can't see anything wrong
with your stomach, Sir Bernard.

Yes... well, I didn't really expect you to, you know.

It was just one of Matron's foolish fancies
and we have to humour her, you know?

Yes. She's always had
a very soft spot for you, Sir Bernard.

That's only to be expected.

She admires a man of character.

Well, I won't waste
any more of your time, Pearson.

I must say, your pelvic cavity's very interesting.

Oh? In what way?

Well, it's rather large for a man.
More like a woman.

Ooh...

Yes, it is. It never used to be like that.

- Well, what does it... mean?
- It's nothing to worry about, Sir Bernard.

On the contrary, as you well know, it can be
a great asset when it comes to child-bearing.

Yes... Well, if you'll excuse me, Pearson,
I have a lot to do.

A woman's work is never done. I mean,
a man's work is never fun. Goodbye.

It can't be.

Oh, it's impossible.

Sit down, will you?

- Name, please.
- Smethurst.

Oh, yes. I have some good news for you,
Mrs Smethurst.

Miss Smethurst.

Oh. In that case, I have some bad news for you,
Miss Smethurst.

Next, please.

- Good morning, Doctor.
- Get your clothes off. I'll be with you in a minute.

I don't think that'll be necessary, Doctor.

Sorry. I wasn't expecting you, Matron.

Obviously.

I'd like to talk to you
about Mrs Tidey in Bunn Ward.

The one with the bottomless stomach.

I think we ought to induce labour this evening.

Oh, yeah? What does the old rabbi say?

If by "the old rabbi"
you mean Sir Bernard Cutting,

he's quite prepared to leave the final decision
to you, strange as that may seem.

If you say this evening, that's all right with me.

Thank you, Doctor.

Oh. Incidentally...

I'm expecting some more student nurses today.

Oh, really?

I would like to point out that they are
in this hospital to further their education.

Don't worry, Matron.
I shall do everything I possibly can with them.

That's just what I wish to avoid.

Remember, I want you to find out where they
keep the stuff and get me a plan of the hospital.

But what if somebody stops me
and asks me what I'm doing?

That's the beauty of this nurse's gear.
Nobody's going to give you a second look.

- It's the first look I'm worried about.
- You've no need to be, honest. You look lovely.

- Will you stop telling him he looks lovely?
- Well, he does.

We'll drop it all and put him in for Miss World.

FRED: There's a load of nurses arriving now.
Look.

It's half past five.

They must be going on duty.
Go on. Now's your chance.

- Hey?
- Just tag along behind 'em.

Well, go on. Get a move on!

I can't move fast.
These damn knickers are too tight!

It's much safer that way. Ask any girl.

Do you mind? Come on. Hurry up.

That's it, son. Remember,
we're depending on you. Good luck.

Yeah. I'm going to need it.

Ha-ha. That's my girl.

Report to the desk, girls.

Excuse me, miss.

- Are you with the others?
- Oh, er... Yes. That's right.

Over there.

Oh...

Thank you.

Name?

- Carter.
- Carter...

- First name?
- Er... Cyril.

- Cyril?
- Um... Cyrille.

C-Y-R-I-L...

double L-E.

Cyrille...

A very unusual name.

It's a Cyrille... It's a real name.

Would you like to sit over there
with the rest, please?

Can't you sit down, Nurse Carter?

- No, I can't.
- You what?

My er... The elastic's gone.

Oh, dear.

I don't suppose you've got a safety pin.

- Yes.
- Thank you.

(Clears throat)

Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.
Haven't you made a mistake?

- How do you mean?
- This is the Gents.

- Yes. I know it is.
(Toilet flushes)

Oh, er...

Er... knickers.

I'm terribly sorry. Please forgive me.

I don't mind in the least.

No need to worry. I won't tell a soul.

About what?

Black lace ones, eh? Very kinky.

Eh?

Don't rush off, love.

I was only kidding, love.

Uh-oh.

Dr Prodd, I've been waiting for you.

Oh, there you are, Matron.
I was just looking for you.

That is the last place you would have found me.

- I see what you mean.
- May I ask what that nurse was doing in there?

Pinning up her knicker...

No. The poor kid just made a mistake.
Went in the wrong door.

- And you just happened to be in there?
- Yeah...

No! No, no. I...

- I went in after her.
- That I can believe.

Mrs Kemp, I'm rather busy at the moment.

Would you mind taking the nurses to the home
and allocate rooms?

Certainly, Matron.
Girls, come along. Follow me, please.

When you've finished, Dr Prodd, perhaps we
can carry on with the business of the hospital?

After you, Matron.

(Stomach rumbles)

(Burps)

That's better.

Hello, Mrs Tidey, and how are we this evening?

- No complaints, thank you, Doctor.
- Good.

- Except that er...
- Yes?

They were a bit stingy with the potatoes tonight.

Yes, well, I'm not so much concerned
with your input as your output.

Oh, there's no trouble there.
I go regular. You ask Sister.

I think the doctor's referring to your baby,
Mrs Tidey.

Why? Nothing wrong with it, is there?

Oh, no. He just seems reluctant
to put in an appearance.

When you look how the world is today,
there's nothing worth coming out for, is there?

I mean, the world's in a shocking state.

- You take the Common Market.
- I think we'll give him a bit of a nudge, shall we?

You're not going to stick that
in the poor little beggar?

- No. Only into you, Mrs Tidey.
- No. No. You're not puncturing me.

It's for your own good.
You've gone on far too long.

I don't care.

I'm having my kid naturally,
if I have to lie here for the rest of my life.

Sister.

Don't be silly. This won't harm you,
or the baby, I can promise you.

I'm not having it, I tell you.

Now, please, hold still... Aargh!

I'm so sorry.

Mrs Tidey...

If you kick me again,
I warn you, I'll put you on a strict diet.

That's better. Now, then.

Ow!

- I haven't touched you.
- Oh...

What's the matter?

It's... it's starting. Oh...

Are you sure it isn't indigestion again?

It can't be. I've hardly had a thing to eat all day.

All right, Sister. Take her down to Delivery.

Yes, Matron.

Ooh, but let me finish... finish my dinner first.

Oooh!

Ooh...

All right, Doctor. You may go.

Hey? Oh... What am I going to do with this?

I'm sure you don't require
any suggestions from me, Doctor.

Put a call through for Mr Tidey.
His wife's started labour.

Again? Let's hope she finishes this time.

- Is this Sir Bernard's mail?
- Yes, Matron. Last delivery.

I'll take it to him. I want to see how he is.

First signs of physical change...

(Knock at door)
- (Falsetto) Who is?

- (Clears throat) Who is it?
- It's Matron, Sir Bernard.

Just a moment, Matron.

I won't be a minute.

Yes... Come in now, Matron.

I'm sorry, Sir Bernard.
I didn't know you were changing.

Changing?

What are you talking about? I'm not changing.
That's a lie, do you hear? It's a lie.

Your clothes, Sir Bernard.

Oh... my clothes. I'm sorry.
I thought you were inferring that I...

Well, don't keep staring at me
as if I were a freak.

Oh, you misunderstand me, Sir Bernard.

Oh, no, I don't. I know what you are thinking and
let me tell you, I'm a man, like any other man.

Oh, no. I cannot agree with that.

What?

You have something very few men have.

What do you mean?

Greatness.

Oh, well... there's no denying that, naturally.

If I may say so, Sir Bernard,
I think you've been overdoing it.

Overdoing it? What do you mean?
Overdoing what?

Work! It's time you had a holiday, I think.

I don't want a holiday.
And will you kindly stop fussing over me?

I'm only thinking of you.

Well, stop thinking of me and go away.

Very well, Sir Bernard.

Oh...

I nearly forgot. Your mail.

Yes, I am! And I can prove it!

Do you hear? Prove it!

Ye-argh!

Has it happened?

- Not yet, I don't think.
- Oh, thank heavens.

I'm in time.

Ooh, my hooter...

Oh, no. I can't stay here.

Madge, can you come up
and help me with my hair?

MADGE: But I'm undressed.
- So what? I'm in a hurry.

MADGE: Oh, all right.

Hello.

(Phone rings)

Hello?

Hello, Dad.

Cyril, what's up?

I've got into a spot of bother.

What, already?
What's happened? Where are you?

- I'm in this nurse's bedroom.
- Nurse's bedroom?

You're supposed to be finding the stuff.
And don't tell me it's there.

No, Dad. They seemed to think I was a new
student nurse, so they put me in this room.

Oh, my God. I told you not to do anything
that would draw attention to you.

But I couldn't help it.

I had to go to the Gents to pin up my knickers.

You went to the Gents to pin up your knickers?

Look, I haven't got time to explain now,
but I can't stay here.

Why not?

- Another nurse lives in this room.
- So? She's not onto you, is she?

No! But she will be
when I get undressed to go to bed.

I know, get undressed under your nightie.

Your mum did that before we got married.

Dad, I haven't got a nightie.

All right, son. All right, all right. Don't panic.

Don't go to bed. That's it.

Try and find out something this evening,
and I'll be along later.

Listen...

Hello? Is someone in there?

Dad, I'll have to go now.
There's someone at the door.

Right. I'll be in the fathers' waiting room.

Now, you try and get a plan of the hospital.

(Knock at door)
- Hey, you. Let me in.

Oh. Oh, hello.

I'm your roommate, Susan Ball.

Is something wrong?

Eh? Oh, no. You're beautiful.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be personal.

Oh. Oh, that's all right.

You just keep saying things like that
and you and I are going to get along just fine.

What do I call you?

Er, Cyrille.

Right, Cyrille.
Let's see if we can't make you feel at home.

Loo and bathroom in there.
And that's your bed there.

Oh, thanks.

Where's your luggage?

I haven't got any. I lost it at the railway station.

I can let you have anything you need.

Oh, no. I'm all right, thanks.

You'll find you won't need a nightie in here.

This place is so well heated,
you can sleep in the raw.

- I always do.
- Oh, no. I shan't be staying here.

Oh, come here.

Don't talk like that.

You know, once you settle down,
you'll find you'll like it here.

It's a good hospital.

And there's still quite a few young doctors
who are still prepared to take no for an answer.

All except for old Prodd, that is.

Oh, dear. You want to watch out for him.

Do you know,

he collects nurses like some men
collect big game trophies.

Around here, we call him the taxidermist.

You're not going to bed now, are you?

Oh, good heavens, no. I'm going to grab me
a quick shower cos I've got a date.

Oh, these rotten catches.

Cyrille, would you mind undoing it for me?

Oooh...

Dr Goode...

- Dr Goode.
- Argh!

Oh, hello. Do forgive me, Sir Bernard.
I was miles away.

Oh, yes. Of course. Well, perhaps
I should come back some other time.

No. I'm back now.

And what can I do for you, Sir Bernard?

Well, I've got a bit of a problem.

Oh, haven't we all? Would you care to?

I can't do it lying down.

Oh, dear me. You do have a problem.

No, I mean I prefer to sit down, if you don't mind.

Don't mind? If it turns you on, who cares?

Look here, Dr Goode, you must understand,
this interview must be purely off the record.

I can assure you that anything you say to me
will go into one ear and out of the other.

That doesn't surprise me.

As a matter of fact, I was talking to my wife
only the other day. "Hamlet," I said...

Oh, I call her Hamlet because
she thinks she's a Great Dane. Isn't it silly?

Dr Goode, I'm not interested in your wife.

Well, that's a funny thing. Neither am I.
Shall we forget her?

With pleasure.

Good. Now, what was it
I wanted to talk to you about?

It's the other way round.

Is it? What is?

Our conversation, I mean.
I came here to consult you.

Oh! Well, that puts a different light
on the whole matter.

Do consult.

Thank you.

I was wondering if you personally

had ever thought about the possibilities
of having a... sex change.

Well, as a matter of fact, I'm quite happy as I am.
But thank you very much, Sir Bernard.

No, I don't mean you.

I mean, generally speaking.

Have you ever known of a case
of a man turning into a woman?

No. But I've heard of one
who turned into a one-way street.

Oh... Doctor, please. Be serious.

You see, I have this patient who genuinely
thinks that he is turning into a woman.

Dear me.

Are there any physical changes?

I don't think so. I haven't looked for two hours.

I mean, at him. Haven't looked at him.

I think it's a purely mental obsession.

Has he had any experience of the opposite sex?

Oh, no. No, he hasn't had time.

I mean, he hasn't had... His career.
He's been far too busy with his career.

Ah. Then I think I understand.

Your patient is suffering from a pent-up desire
to prove to himself that he is a man.

You think so?

Yes. Yes...

You may be right.

I'm sure I am.

And I would recommend that he finds
a suitable partner as quickly as possible.

And by suitable, you mean willing.

And able.

Yes. Oh, I feel better already.
For him. I feel better for him, I mean.

Thank you, Dr Goode.

You've been most helpful.

Oh, I can't tell you...

Oh, yes. I'll get onto it... right away!

Ah. Matron, any news?

I'm afraid not, Mr Tidey.

What's she doing?

Well, at this moment,
consuming a large plate of fish cakes.

Fish cakes?

Ever since she got pregnant,
she's had this craving for fish cakes.

Even in the middle of the ruddy night.

Do you know, she must have polished off
thousands of 'em.

I'll tell you one thing, if ever this child gets born,
it's going to be smothered in breadcrumbs.

Ah, Dr Prodd.

You're in Emergency tonight.

- Afraid so.
- We're standing by for a possible premature.

- Oh, no...
- You won't mind when you find out who she is.

I shall be up in my room if I'm required, Arthur.

What did she mean by that? Who's coming in?

Jane Darling, the film star.

Really?

Hello. It's my pin -up girl.

Dad?

Oh. Er... Good evening.

- Excuse me.
- That's all right.

- Lost again?
- Yes, that's right. Excuse me.

You know, love,
what you want is a plan of this place.

How did you know?

Think of a better way
of getting to know your way around?

I see what you mean. If you'll excuse me...

I've got a plan up in my room.

- Have you really?
- All the doctors have one.

I'd like to see yours.

Likewise.

- In your room, you say?
- Room 15 on the fifth floor.

If you'd like to come up in ten minutes,
I'll show it to you.

If I come, will you promise to behave?

Naturally.

All right, then. I'll be there.

And when I behave naturally,
I never get any complaints.

Yes. Who is it?

It's me. Frankie.

Come in.

It is all right for tonight, isn't it?

Yes. But I'm so frightened somebody's
going to see you coming here one night.

Oh, get away with you. It's only once a week.

Yes, but you know how gossip
goes round the hospital.

After all, you are a married man, Francis.

Yes, I know.
But as I've told you, my wife doesn't like it.

I can't think why not.

No. She thinks it's a waste of time.

Do you know, she won't even look at it.

- Oh, what a shame.
- Yes.

And a man needs a little relaxation
when he comes home.

Yes, of course.

That's why I'm so thrilled
you like it as much as I do.

As long as we're careful.

Care for a little drinkie first?

Oh, lovely.

It should be a good one tonight.

Yes.

If it's anything like last week...

That was wonderful

Cheers.

Good health.

Mm...

Are you ready?

Ra-ther!

Ooh...

I can't think why your wife doesn't like it.

It's the best programme on television.

Oh, I know. But you know, she'd rather curl up
on a hearth rug with a good bone.

- It's coming on.
- Oh, good!

TELEVISION: Now it's time
for this week's exciting episode of...

The Surgeons.

The Surgeons,
the everyday drama of a great hospital.

Last week, we left Nurse Spencer
unconscious on the operating table,

while Dr Carpenter, her lover,
prepared to fight for her life,

still unaware that his estranged wife Rachel

had secretly substituted a cylinder
of deadly carbon dioxide gas...

- (Whimpers)
- ...in place of her life-giving oxygen.

Yes? What do you want?

You remember me. Mr Hodgkiss.
I was here this morning.

Oh, yes. I thought you'd had your baby.

- No. I'm leaving that to the missus.
- Well, you know where to go.

Thank you.

- Evening.
- Evening.

You haven't had it yet, then?

No. I reckon it'll be here tonight, though.

You'll be lucky.
I've been here every night for the last ten days.

- They sent for me.
- It don't mean a thing. That's the way they work.

When in doubt, send for the ruddy father.

Yes... Well, that'll teach you to turn over
and go back to sleep next time, won't it?

That's not funny.

- My woman's waited seven years for a baby.
- She needn't have done that.

- No?
- No. I had that trouble when I kept chickens.

Chickens?

I used to get plenty of eggs, but no baby chicks.

- Oh, no.
- Till somebody told me what to do.

- What was that?
- Change the cock.

Oh, that's very funny, I don't think.

- Mr Grant?
- Yes?

Congratulations. You've got a fine boy.

Oi... What about me, then?

I was here before him.

Better luck next time.

Oh, get shunted.

Come in, love. Come in.

Gosh! No wonder they call you the taxidermist.

Do they? Well, it just shows you,
there's nothing like advertising.

- Sit down. Make yourself at home.
- No, I can't stay.

Nonsense. Of course you can.

Just so we're not disturbed.

Now, then...

- What about a little drink?
- Oh, no, no. I never touch it.

- Oh. Cigarette, then?
- No. I never touch them.

Well, that leaves only one thing to offer you.

I never touch that, either.

- You haven't come here to play games.
- You're right. I came to see your plan.

- Who cares about the damn plan?
- Ah, ah. Plan first.

I've been planning all ruddy evening.
It's time for action.

- I shall scream. I shall scream. Matron! Matron!
- OK. OK.

There you are.

But you know damn well
you didn't come up here just for that.

Oh, yes. This is just what I wanted.

- And this is just what I wanted.
- Get off.

Now, then. Where do they keep the pills?

Eh?

The pill. There's a big store of them here.

Oh! I get you now.

Down in the basement here,
but I can't get you any now, love.

They're locked up.

Oh, I don't want it for myself.

- Oh, good.
- Get off!

Is this the only way down to the basement?

That's enough of the damn plan, love.
We're wasting time.

- I haven't finished.
- What are you doing?

- Give that back.
- You promised you'd give it to me.

I will, too. But not that.

It's not mine. Come on.

Come and get it.

- Oh, you want to play games?
- No. I didn't mean that. Get off!

No, I didn't mean that. Get off!

Get away!

Take your hands off. Take your hands...

Argh!

What's this then, eh?

Rolled-up socks?

Why, you little cheat...

- What else you got down there, eh?
- Get off.

That's enough.
I don't want to have to use any rough stuff.

I wouldn't if I were you.
I was boxing champ at Guy's.

Let me go. Please. You'll be sorry. Let me go!

Try and make me, love.

- Who's that?
- Me.

God, what a woman!

Hey! Hey, love. Phwoar!

Come back, love.

They'll be there within half an hour.

Hey, doc. You're wanted.

- Blast. What is it?
- The premature film star.

Her old man's been on. It's started.

- Damn. Is the ambulance here?
- Outside. There's the address.

Right.

- Did you get it?
- Yeah. There it is.

What's this?

Sorry, Dad. It's one of my bristols.

That's it. Let's go.

We can't go on an emergency without a nurse.

- I'm sorry, Doctor, I am only the attendant...
- Hang on a minute. Hang on.

Ah. You'll do nicely. Come on.

- Let me go.
- I'm sorry, love. We've got a little job.

- (All shout)
- Leave me alone, will you?

That driver touched my bottom!

Something tells me
Cyril's taking this too seriously.

(Siren)

TELEVISION: Nurse, forceps...

scalpel...

swabs...

Ah...

TELEVISION: More oxygen...

- Sister, quick. More swabs!
(Knock at door)

- Who's that?
- Just as it was getting exciting too.

(Knocking)
- Oh...

Yes. Who is it?

It's me, Matron, Sir Bernard. I'd like to come in.

Sir Bernard...

Just a moment, Sir Bernard.

He can't find you in my room.

- I'll hide.
- Quick. This way. In here.

Aah!

Oh, I'm so sorry, Sir Bernard.

I was just in the middle of undressing.

Oh, don't let me stop you, Matron.

- I beg your pardon?
- I'm very broad-minded.

I might not even look the other way!

Sir Bernard, do you think it's wise
coming to my room at night?

- People might misunderstand.
- I don't think so.

They'll merely think we're having
a bit of the old slap and tickle.

- Really, Sir Bernard!
- Well, why not?

It's natural. You're a man and I'm a woman.

Sir Bernard,

are you sure you're feeling quite yourself?

On the contrary, I've never felt more like it.
Myself, I mean.

Don't you think you ought to go and lie down?

Now you're getting the idea.

No, no, no. I mean, in your room.

Oh, why? It's much more comfortable here.

Come on. Let's sit down.

(Glass smashes)
- What on earth was that?

Oh, it's just a spring.

Oh. I thought it sounded like breaking glass.

That would never do, would it?
Remember what happened to the skipper?

I'm sure you're not feeling well. Do you feel hot?

- Very.
- I shall go and get my thermometer.

- Oh, that's not what I want.
- What is it, then?

Matron, a man and a woman are here
to fulfil one basic function.

You know what that is, don't you?

Well, I should do,
after 15 years in a maternity hospital.

That's what's wrong with me.
I need to prove myself as a man.

- Well, the proof of the pudding is in the eating.
- Exactly.

Will you lay the table, or shall I?
Get your cruet out.

- You can't be suggesting...
- Why not?

You know
there's a mutual attraction between us.

You must have felt it,
working together all these years.

- Side by side, brushing against each other.
- Oh...

So you've felt it too? That exciting tingling...

I've only got to think of you and I have a tingle.

Oh, how wonderful.

But I never thought that you wanted me, too.

- Desperately.
- Oh!

I don't know what to say. It's all so sudden.

Oh, my dear, I don't expect you
to make up your mind immediately.

Take your time.
Think it over for a couple of minutes.

(Phone rings)
- Oh!

You're all of a tingle, aren't you?
Tingle, tingle...

Er...

Hello, Tingle here... Matron here.

Oh! Yes, Arthur.

I see. Has the ambulance left?

- Well, if you could get in touch...
(Splutters)

That was Arthur.
There's an emergency coming in in half an hour.

Oh, damn it.

Then the time for thinking is past.

Give me your answer. Will you?

- I don't know what to say.
- Yes, or no?

- Oh, yes! And no.
- What? What does that mean, "yes and no"?

Yes, if you're asking me to marry you. No, if not.

Well, I don't have to get married to prove myself.

You do to prove yourself with me.

How do we know
we're physically suited to each other?

It's like do-it-yourself with a wallpaper.

- Wallpaper?
- You don't just buy enough for the whole room.

You tear yourself off a little strip

and try it first!

That may be so, but you're not going
to stick me up against the wall.

- Step on it, Doctor. She's pretty near.
- Don't worry. She's in good hands.

Even got a nurse.

Good luck, darling.
I'll be along as soon as I can park the au pair.

She won't stay in the house alone at night,
you see?

Right. Let's go.

Bye!

OK, darling?

OK, darling.

(Siren)

- Is it bad, Miss Darling?
- Oh, yes.

I can give you a jab to kill it for a bit, if you like.

- Yes, please, Doctor.
- Right.

Nurse, in that case there, you'll find a hypo.

- A what?
- A hypodermic.

Oh.

- This thing?
- Yes. Fill it from the bottle labelled pethidine.

Take it easy. It won't be long now, Miss Darling.

- Hurry up, Nurse.
- I'm coming.

Oh! You idiot!

You've given me the lot.

Quickly! Do something!

Yes, miss. Right away, miss.

Not to him. Me!

It's coming!

Oh, no!

No, I do not believe in free love. And what's
more, I think it's very insulting of you to ask me.

You don't believe in paying for it, do you?

I don't want to hear any more,

and I think you'd better go
before you say something you may regret.

I know what it is.

There's someone else, isn't there?
You've got a lover already.

- Haven't you?
- Certainly not!

It's just that I'm a simple woman
with simple tastes and I want to be wooed.

Ooh, you can be as wooed as you like with me.
- Oh, no.

You don't understand.
I want to be made a fuss of.

I want to be given chocolates and flowers.

Oh, well, here you are.

I'll buy you a packet of Fruit & Nut tomorrow.
Now, come on. Stop messing about.

I didn't think it was possible

that someone could go down to the depths
that you've gone in this pernicious manner.

I'm only flesh and blood!

I'm tingling like a beast, aflame with passion.

Burning with desire.

I'm bur... Here, I told you I was hot stuff, didn't I?

Oh! The wardrobe's on fire!

All right, all right, don't panic. I'll see to it.

Stand well back, Matron.
Now, then, don't panic. It'll be all right.

Now, then. Here we go, you see?

Don't worry, I'll soon have it out.

You Jezebel!

Bernard, I can explain!

- Now, look...
- Listen, they just phoned.

Here's the message,
"Jane Darling has gone to Finisham Hospital."

I can't help that. I tell you, she's not here yet.

- It's true. We were just watching television.
- In the wardrobe? The indignity of it.

- I'll never be able to hold up my head again.
- Sir Bernard, Matron, come quick.

Hey, come on, Dick.

Prodd! Good gracious!

What happened to him?

Don't ask me, sir. We just found him like that
when we opened up.

- He's drunk.
- That's not all, sir.

Take a look inside.

MATRON: Triplets!

- Nurse, did you?
- She did. And she was absolutely wonderful.

SIR BERNARD: Three little darlings.

Three Darlings...

Right. This is the storeroom where they keep
all the stuff, down in the basement here.

Oh, yeah?
Where do they have all the babies, then?

Up in the ward, stupid. Where do you think?

Well, it doesn't always follow.
My mum had me on top of a bus.

I'm glad he told us that. It makes the job easier.

Number 73.
Bang in the middle of Brixton high street.

All right, all right. So you're a born traveller.

Now, will you shut up for a minute and listen?

Now, as far as I can see, the only way
we can get into the basement here

is through the front door of the hospital.

- That can't be right.
- Why not?

No.73 doesn't go to Brixton.

Oh, cor blimey...

- It does.
- It does not.

It goes from Marble Arch
out to Putney and Wimbledon.

- It can't do, else how was I born in Brixton?
- Oh, shut up.

I ought to know where I was born.

I don't care where you were born!

It's bad enough it happened.

We've got more important things to talk about.

Now, then, as far as I can see, we...

- You're both wrong. The 73 goes to Holloway.
- It does not.

I ought to know. I used to catch it on the way
to visit the old woman when she was in the nick.

- You're thinking of the 116.
- I am not thinking of the 116.

It goes down to Balls Pond Road,
and then turns left into Islington.

- What are you on about?
- After Putney it goes to Wimbledon.

- What a load of rubbish. It goes...
(Doorbell)

The fuzz!

Wait a minute. Wait.

What are we doing?
We're not wanted for anything yet.

- Oh, yeah. That's right.
- See who it is.

Papers.

It's only the papers.

All right, then.

Here, there's a picture of Cyril on the front page.

Let me see.

Oh, no.

There's one in this one, too.

Let's have a look.

- Oh, yeah. It's a good likeness, innit?
- Yeah. Great.

Something happened
to the doctor in the ambulance.

Blimey, Cyril delivered the babies.

It just shows you what a good education
can do for you, doesn't it?

- Fancy, old Cyril an heroine.
- Do you think he'll get a medal?

He'll get a kick up the backside.

Well, I only asked. What's he done?

What's he done?

He's just about ruined the whole thing,
that's what.

"Take it easy," I said.
"Don't do anything that'll draw attention to you."

He couldn't have drawn more bloody attention
if he'd had the kids himself!

I've got to get down there.

Well, Mrs Tidey. Another false alarm, I see.

Afraid so, Matron.

Do you know what I think?
All that talk of injecting me put him off.

Possibly.

Still, it's nice to be back. I don't like that
delivery room. It's not very comfortable.

It isn't meant for comfort, Mrs Tidey.

Well, it looks as if we'll have to try
something else, doesn't it?

Now you mention it, I wouldn't mind
some sausages and tomatoes.

Yeah...

Cor...

What is it? Quick, tell me. What's she had?

Bacon and egg and fried potatoes.

- Eh?
- So far.

What? Hasn't she? Hasn't she had the?

No, I'm afraid not, Mr Tidey.
You may as well go back to your trains.

What, again? I can't do that.

What'll my mates say?
I shall be a laughing stock.

Well, in your job, you should be used to that.

I've got to be back at work on Monday,
you know.

We're starting another strike then.

Really? Well, if it hasn't arrived by then,
I think I might join you.

Now, look here.

I'm not budging from here until she's had it
and that's it.

Well, please yourself, Mr Tidey,
but there's nothing more we can do about it.

Dynamite, that's what she needs.

Give her dynamite!

- Morning, Arthur.
- Morning, Sir Bernard.

- Sir Bernard.
- Yes, what is it, Matron?

I'd like to apologise
for what happened in my room.

Matron, if you're worried that I might be
considering disciplinary action, you needn't be.

We're all mature, adult people,

and whatever goes on between you
and Dr Goode is no concern of mine,

however disgusting it may be!

Nothing goes on. We're just good friends.

Good fr... I know all about good friends.
I had one at school.

She was the groundsman's daughter,
but never got off the ground.

That is a very uncalled-for remark, Sir Bernard,
and I shall expect an apology.

It isn't all you're expecting, I shouldn't wonder.

Very well, Sir Bernard. But don't come to me
again when you want to prove yourself.

I am a woman, not a do-it-yourself kit!

(Shouts) Good morning, Doctor.

Have a bad night?

No, thanks. I've just had one.

Just exactly what did you do
to my roommate last night?

- Your roommate?
- Yes. Nurse Carter.

What did I do to her?

Yes. Well, she hasn't been back to the room
all night. She's just disappeared.

- That's the best news I've heard today.
- I hope she's all right.

I'm supposed to be looking after her.

Believe me, Nurse Ball.
That girl can look after herself.

Have you done Mrs Brown's specimen?

- What?
- Mrs Brown's specimen!

Eurgh! It's done. Take it away.

Send in the first patient, please.

Morning, Doctor.

Oh. Mrs Tucker, isn't it?
Do sit down, Mrs Tucker.

Thank you, Doctor.

Now, what's your problem?

Well, I came to see you three months ago,
if you remember,

because I was going to get married

and I was worried about my husband
being able to have a baby.

- Yes, that's right. He was a bit older than you.
- 88.

Yes. And?

Well, if you remember, you suggested it might
be a good idea if I were to take in a lodger.

You know, someone a little nearer my own age.

Yes. But purely off the record, of course.

Well, it worked. I'm pregnant.

- Really? What about your husband?
- Oh, he's tickled pink.

Oh. That's all right, then. What about the lodger?

Well, that's the trouble.

She's pregnant, too.

Nurse Carter, I've been worried about you.
Where have you been?

Fast asleep in the sluice room, Matron.

I couldn't stand the fuss last night.
I had to get away.

But you acted splendidly, my dear.
We're all very proud of you.

Matron, I don't think I'm cut out
to be a nurse. I want to pack it in.

Nonsense. You're just tired.
You take the day off.

Have a nice rest,
and tomorrow you'll feel differently about it.

- Oh, no, I won't.
- Take it from me.

I've had hundreds of capable nurses
through my hands

and you have that extra little something
the others haven't got.

How did you know?

Excuse me,
but the dispensary's out of Penbritin.

I shall go to my room, get the key
and meet you in the store.

Nurse Ball, take Nurse Carter to your room
and put her to bed immediately.

- Oh, no!
- Oh, yes. Do as I say.

Come along, Matron's pet. Let's go to bye-byes.

I think I can manage from here, thank you.

I may as well see you into bed.

No. I'd rather be alone, if you don't mind.

- Please yourself.
- Thank you.

I don't believe it!

I just couldn't go without making sure
you were OK.

Perfectly, thank you.

You fell right on your chest.
I hope you didn't do it any damage.

Oh, no. It's fine, rea...

Oh, good. Well, now I'm here,
I might as well help you get undressed.

- I can manage by myself, thanks.
- Don't be silly.

- Honestly, I don't need help.
- Good heavens. What are you worried about?

As a nurse, I've had to undress plenty of men.

I dare say, but that's beside the point.
Some people...

You said "men".

You know, then? But how?

When you tripped on the stairs just now,
I saw something that left no doubt at all.

Oh, well, that's it, then, isn't it?

I've met some pretty kinky nurses in my time,
but never one who wore striped shorts.

Oh! I pinched those last night
when I split the black lace ones.

Black lace... I'd love to have seen that.

I don't have to bother with this damn thing
any more.

Oh, that's much better.

You know, you're really quite dishy.

I bet you say that
to all the female impersonators.

Would you mind telling me, why the hell
did you do it? For a bet, or something?

- No, nothing like that.
- Oh, I see.

You just felt the urge to become a nurse
and deliver a few kids, eh?

No. I didn't know that would happen.

Well, why then? We are roommates,
and roommates ought not to have secrets.

You won't like it if I tell you.

- Well, I'm not forcing you to.
- Oh, no. Please, don't go.

I'd like you to know.

You see, it all started...

How do you do? I wonder if you could tell me
where I could find Nurse Carter.

Are you from the press?

Oh, no. I'm his father.

Er... she's my son. My... my daughter.

I've got so many kids, it gets confusing.

Well, Mr Carter, she's resting at the moment.
She had a very hard night.

Yes, I know. But I'm sure she'd like to see me.
Just for a few minutes.

Well, since you're her father.

She's at No.16, the nurses' home.

That's outside and turn right.

Thank you.

Mrs Kemp, what was Mr Hodgkiss doing here?

Mr Hodgkiss, Matron?

Yes. The man who just went out.

Oh, that wasn't Mr Hodgkiss, Matron.
That was Mr Carter.

Nurse Carter's father.

I could have sworn that...

What did he want?

To see his daughter, I think.

I sent him to the nurses' home.

Did you?

There's something funny going on here.

I told you you wouldn't like it.

You, a crook? I don't believe it.

I'm not a proper one. It's my first go at it, actually.
I only did it to please my dad.

- To pinch pills? But that's ridiculous!
- Yeah. I agree. It's stupid.

You'll have to tell them, I suppose.

Well, yes. I suppose I should.

But... I don't know,
I just don't think they'd believe it.

Well, I'd better get back to work.

- You mean you're not going to?
- Not going to what?

- Tell them about me and what I'm doing here.
- What about you? What are you doing here?

You're lovely. Do you know that?

Ah... you're not so bad yourself.

What was that for?

For being kind enough not to undo my bra
when I asked you to yesterday.

I'm glad you brought that up.

Here, stop it.

Excuse me.

Uh!

Cor blimey!

- Dad.
- Cyril.

This is my roommate Susan.

- Oh, hello.
- How do you do?

Is that who you were
worried about sharing with?

- Yeah. That's right.
- I sent you to the wrong school.

Will you excuse me? I've got to get back.

What do you think you're doing?

Kissing nurses. And without your wig on.

- You might have given yourself away.
- She knows all about it.

I know. They all do these day...
You mean, she knows about us?

- Yeah. But she won't tell anyone.
- That's it. We've got to do it tonight.

- You're still going through with it?
- Of course I am!

- Don't expect any help from me.
- Now, son. Son, don't let me down.

We need you to get us in.

- No, I'm sorry, Dad...
- You promised your mum.

- Now, look, Dad.
- Gertie... if you're listening to your son now,

plug up your ear holes.

It's too late. Do you hear that noise?

She's turning in her grave.

- All right. All right, Dad, I'll do it.
- Good boy.

- Just tell me what you want me to do.
- Stop doing that, for a start.

- We'll be here at 11 o'clock sharp. Got that?
- Yes.

We don't want any more slip-ups,
so please try and be careful.

How did that nurse get on to you?

She saw these pants
when I tripped on the stairs.

- We can't risk that. You'll have to take 'em off.
- What?

- Take your pants off.
- Oh, no.

Get 'em off!

What's going on in there?
Open this door at once!

- That's Matron!
- I'd better get out.

- That's the loo.
MATRON: Nurse Carter, are you all right?

- (Falsetto) Yes!
- Open this door at once.

I know there's a man in there.

Let her in.

Oh! Oh, you poor child.

Where is he? Where is the filthy beast?

Oh!

Come back, you monster!

Come back!

Ooh!

- Shh. It's all right. Don't scream.
- What do you want?

Well, that's very nice of you,
but I haven't got the time.

Oh...

All right, Nurse. Don't worry.

Oh...

MATRON: Come back!

Come back. I want you!

My God! She's a sex maniac!

Go!

Good heavens, that's what's wrong with me.

I love her.

Miss Banks,
I want to see Dr Goode immediately.

Dr Goode, Psychiatry. Can I help you?

Oh, Miss Banks. Does he?

(Knock at door)
- Come in.

Ah, Goode, my dear chap.

Come in and close the door, will you, old boy?

You wanted to see me about something.

Yes. And don't pretend
you don't know what it is, you filthy beast!

What?

Don't try and deny it. I know what's been
going on between you and Matron, in her room,

every night, bouncing about together
like a pair of Ping-Pong balls.

I beg your pardon! We've never had
so much as an ounce of a bounce.

Don't expect me to believe all that claptrap
about watching television.

The set wasn't even turned on.

Oh, no. We had it off before you came in.

Aha! So you admit it, then?

Certainly not!

I've never felt about Matron in that way.

But now you come to mention it...

Aha! I'll get the truth,
if I have to beat it out of you, you swine!

Oh, no. No.

Sir Bernard...

Sir Bernard, no! No!

Help! Help!

- Oh!
- I think Sir Bernard's upset about something.

- I'll kill him, do you hear? I'll kill him!
- Please. You mustn't.

- Get out of my way, Miss Banks.
- I can't let you. Think of the scandal.

- Get out of my way!
- Argh!

Now, for the last time, will you admit it?

I've never even touched her, I swear it!

Liar and lecher. Admit it! Admit it!

I'm telling the truth. I swear it. Newt's honour.

You're a Newt?

Yes. I've been Master of the Grand Order
of Newts for five years.

Really?

Of course.
And I was a Tadpole for three years before that.

But this is splendid.

What pond do you belong to?

Wapping and Old Stairs.

- Really?
- Yes.

I am a Grand Salamander Newt
of the Watford pond.

You're not!

- Glub glub.
- Glub glub.

We swear

to uphold the noble code
of the Grand Order of Newts...

Now, come on, Mrs Tidey. Let's get to sleep.

But I'm still hungry.

It's not good to go to sleep
on an empty stomach.

Well, I'd hardly call yours empty, Mrs Tidey.

She's had two of everything for supper, Matron.
And two mugs of cocoa.

Well, we can't let her go to sleep hungry,
can we, Sister?

What about a nice big glass of... castor oil?

Good night.

(Snoring)

I'm going up to my room now, Arthur.

It should be a quiet night.
Nothing on the books.

I hope so, after last night.

(Falsetto) Who is it?

It's me, Susan.

Here you are. I think they're dry enough.

Thanks a lot.

Next time, be more choosy
about which nurse you have a bath with.

They smell something awful.

- I didn't notice what she smelt like.
- No. You were too busy looking.

Oh, go on. Go and get changed.

Here, do you know something?
I don't know what your name is.

What is it really?

Cyril.

Oh, dear. Well, I suppose I'll get used to it.

Does that mean
you want to see me again, then?

Well, that all depends on you, doesn't it?

You know I want to see you.

That's all very well,
but I don't fancy being a gangster's moll.

I've told you. Honestly. I'm going to pack it all in.

All right, Nurse. It's a deal.

How's the time?

Two minutes to.

Drive in slowly, and park.

Dad, wait a minute! Listen! Dad!

Dad!

- Everything OK?
- No.

Prodd's hanging around the entrance hall.

- Is that the one who tried to get matey?
- Yes. That's what I'm worried about.

- Get him out here.
- Me? How?

You're a woman, aren't you? Flash 'em.

Dad...

You seem a bit down tonight, doc.

You'd be down, too, if you'd had 50ccs
of pethidine up your archipelago.

ARTHUR: Hey, talking about that,

- here comes our little heroine.
- Oh, no.

Oh, Dr Prodd,

I wanted to apologise for what I did last night.

It's all right. It only hurts when I sit down.

You've been so sweet about it,
I feel I owe you something in return.

Well, if you put it like that...

What had you in mind?

I was wondering whether you'd like to see...

me back to the nurses' home.

Yes, I think I could just about manage it.

Standing up.

I don't know what it is about a maternity hospital,
but they're all at it.

- Just a minute.
- What's the matter?

- I've got something for you.
- What is it?

A little surprise. Close your eyes.

Let me have it.

All right. That's it. Get Ernie.

All right, Ernie, this is it. Out you get.

- Well, come on. Jump.
- I can't jump in my condition.

- Bag.
- And you.

- Get the bag.
- Sh!

- Nurse.
- Get the bag!

Pregnant and I've got to carry my own bag.
Cop hold of that.

Watch it. Just watch it.

Hold it. Careful. Careful.

It won't be long now.

- You show the way?
- Straight to the lift, Dad...

- Doctor.
- Thank you.

- Hey, what is all this?
- I er... It is all right.

I am Doctor... Zhivago.

I have here an emergency.

Oh. Are they expecting you, Doctor?

Expecting?

What do you think this is? Wind?

Don't you worry. The nurse knows all about it.

Oh, well, you're in good hands with her.

Jawohl. A proper little
Florence the Nightingale.

Doctor Zhivago?

What did I tell you? It worked like a charm.

- Cor...
- What's the matter?

It shows you, the power of suggestion.

- What are you talking about?
- I could have sworn I felt it kicking.

You'll feel something kicking if you don't belt up.
Come on, Freddy. Through here.

- We'll never pick that lock.
- Can't we blow it?

That's right. Wake up the whole hospital.
No. Only if we have to.

- Know where they keep the keys?
- Matron's got a set.

- Where will I find her?
- In her room on the fifth floor.

- You stay here with him.
- Wait a minute.

- What if it happens while you're gone?
- What happens?

Well, I mean, I...

I'm sorry. I keep thinking
I'm really going to have one.

I'll give you one in a minute.

Here.

You twerp!

- Oh!
- Oh. Scusi, madam, scusi.

That's all right. But what are you doing here?
What do you want?

I think we are lost. We look for the um...
how you say? Removal room? No?

Oh, you mean the delivery room.

Ah, jawohl. Ja.

I don't know how you found your way here,
but it's on the ground floor.

Along there, down the stairs.

Ah, si. Si.

Grathias, mademoiselle. Grathias.

Enchante.

Come, Frederico.

Arrivederci.

Here, Sid...

- Good boy. Have you found them?
- What are we looking for?

Oh, knickers!

Here, Sid, I've found 'em.

Put 'em down!

What are we looking for?

Keys, you fool!

Oh, keys, you fool.

Matron, it's me. May I come in?

It's Bernard.

Matron...

Still warm.

She can't be far away.

Oh...

(Footsteps)

Oh, Matron. I've come to apologise.

- I misjudged you terribly.
- Oh?

And what's caused this sudden change,
Sir Bernard?

A desire to prove yourself again?

No, no. I was talking to Dr Goode
and he told me there was nothing between you

and, as a brother Newt, I believe him implicitly.

A brother Newt?

Yes. We're both Newts, you know.

Oh, where did you happen to meet?
In a jam jar, perhaps?

Oh, now, don't be like that, Matron.

Say you'll forgive me. Please.

Oh, that's all very well, Sir Bernard,

but the fact that you thought I could entertain
a man in my room for the purpose of...

- well, that sort of thing.
- What's wrong with... that sort of thing?

- I beg your pardon?
- When two people are attracted to each other...

As you are to me?

Desperately.
You're the medicine I've been wanting.

Three times a day and shake well before taking.

You have such a romantic way
of putting things. I don't know what to say.

Say you'll have me!

Come, Sir Bernard.

Sit beside me.

- Ooh!
- What on earth was that?

Ooh...

Oh, no! Not again!

They don't half put those gas meters
in some funny places.

Excuse me, madam.

Matron! How could you?

Sir Bernard, I don't know
what that man was doing down there.

No. You should have shoved him
in the cupboard like the last one.

Perhaps you've got one in there alrea... Already!

My God! You have!

Yes. You've got woodworm
in there all right, miss.

We'll send you an estimate.

Matron, I've only got one thing to say to you,

never try to join the Newts.

- I've never seen those men. They were in the...
- I don't want...

Come on. Let's get this door open.

- Did you get it?
- No. But we stopped someone else getting it.

We'll have to blow it. Ernie, get the stuff out.

Come on. Hurry up.

Be careful with it. Steady with it.

Slowly.

There. There you are.

Careful.

Huh... Looking for woodworm...
Reading the gas meter...

- I'm not a fool.
- You certainly are if you believe that.

I tell you, those men are up to no good.

Arthur, have you seen
any suspicious men about?

Suspicious, Matron?

Yes. One in uniform,
the other in a dark suit with a beard.

Oh, the men who came in with the emergency,
about quarter of an hour ago.

There you are. What did I tell you?

Emergency? We're not expecting
any emergencies, are we?

Well, Nurse Carter seemed to know all about it.

Nurse Carter? Where did they go?

Up in the lift, Matron.

We'll get to the bottom of this. Arthur,
lock all the doors and don't let anyone in or out.

I'll find out who's been unauthorised
in this hospital if it's the last thing I do...

All right. Come on. Get down.

Oh! Oh!

What's that?

Oh! Sister! Quick!

It's starting.

- Sister!
- All right, Mrs Tidey. It's all right.

Just lie back. I won't be a moment. Just relax.

Come on, Dad. Hurry up.

All right. That's enough.

Here you are.

Let's go.

Blimey, that was quick, doc.

Ja. It's my new method.

I just whistle and out she comes.

- Pardon...
- You can't go out, doc. I've locked the doors.

Back way. Quick!

Come on. Down here.

Here they are.

Locked. Through there!

They're locked!

Come on!

Down here!

There they are!

This is the maternity hospital here.

I'd like to report an explosion.

- They can't go through here.
- Where can they be?

- Where could they have got to?
- They must be round this way.

No! No!

Come on!

Come on!

Stop those men! They're trespassing!

(All shout)

- Come on. Through here.
- Right.

- I'll ladder my stockings.
- Oh, shut up. Get in.

Look out.

Mind my... mind my back.

Matron. Through here. Quickly.

Dirty nappies.

Eurgh!

Come on, Matron. The wards.

Aargh!

Missed me!

Aargh!

Mr Tidey...

Congratulations, your wife's just had a fine boy.

At last! I told you to use dynamite, didn't I?

Did you hear that, mates?

I've got a boy.

You've done it! Well done.

- Well done.
- There they are!

There they are! Matron!

(Blows whistle)

- Do you mind?
- Blimey!

- It's no good.
- Quick!

There they are!

- There they are.
- Get them!

Get them!

There's millions of 'em, like rabbits!

Don't let them go.

All right, all right, the game's up.

Hand over whatever it is you've got there.

- Quiet, please. I am trying to phone.
- Stop all that nonsense and call the police.

I'm trying to.

- I wouldn't, mate.
- Why not?

Well, if it ever got out that the nurse
who delivered those babies was a fella...

What?

I don't believe it.

You want more proof?

- Get off, Dad.
- He's right, Sir Bernard. We'd never live it down.

Very well. Arthur, put the phone down.
What is your proposition?

Simple. We give you the stuff back,
you let us go.

- My baby.
- Oh, shut up.

- Give it to me.
- Give it to her!

- All right. Hold the case, then.
- Oh, you fool. There.

You'll have to let them go, Sir Bernard.

Very well. Arthur, open the doors.

(Siren)

Ha-ha. It's time we left.

What on ea...

Prodd!

What on earth do you think you're doing,
you idiot?

(Wedding bells)

- Ah...
- Well done, lad!

Well done.

- Our turn next, eh?
- It'd better be.

- You're not, are you?
- Oh...

- Here.
- Oh...

Don't they look lovely?

Yeah. I'm glad something good's
come out of it, anyway.

Happy, my dear?

Especially for you.
You'll be able to prove yourself at last.

I'm not worried about that any more,
I can assure you, my dear.

- Are we going to do another job?
- Of course. I've got a beauty lined up.

Really? What is it?

I was reading about
this millionaire's nudist camp.

If I could just get somebody in there
to look it over...

Hey! Come back!

Come back, you fools!

Captioned by Grantman Brown

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