All language subtitles for Little.Britain.USA.S01E04.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-herkz_track3_[eng]

Narrator:
BRITAIN AND AMERICA,

TWO GREAT NATIONS
STANDING SIDE BY SIDE.

WE'VE BEEN ALLIES.
WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS.

WE'VE BEEN LOVERS.

BRITAIN WAS EVEN GOING
TO GET MARRIED TO AMERICA,

BUT THEN IT DISCOVERED
AMERICA WAS GAY

AND SECRETLY HAVING IT OFF
WITH BRAZIL.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE
OF OUR TWO COUNTRIES?

WHAT DO WE SHARE...

APART FROM A PARANOID DISGUST
OF ALL THINGS FOREIGN?

COME WITH ME
AS WE FIND IT OUT

IN "LITTLE BRITAIN U.S.A."

ONE THING THAT'S VERY
POPULAR WITH BOTH

THE BRITISH AND THE AMERICANS
IS GOING TO CHURCH.

PEOPLE LOVE THE FEELINGS OF
MELANCHOLY AND INSIGNIFICANCE

THAT IT PROVIDES.
THIS CHURCH IN MISSISSIPPI

IS PLAYING HOST TO BRITISH
TOURISTS LOU AND ANDY.

Andy:
I DON'T WANT
TO GO TO CHURCH.

I THOUGHT YOU LIKED
GOING TO CHURCH.

I'D RATHER WATCH
"DUKES OF HAZZARD."

BUT I'VE BEEN PRAYING
AND PRAYING FOR A MIRACLE

AND THIS MIGHT BE THE DAY.

( congregation singing hymn )

( singing cartoon theme song )

( hymn ends )

( trails off )

PRAISE BE TO JESUS!

All:
PRAISE JESUS CHRIST.

- I NEED TO USE THE TOILET.
- I'LL TAKE YOU IN A MINUTE.

- I WANT TO GO NOW.
- SHH.

AND NOW, DEAR FRIENDS,
IT'S TIME FOR ME TO INVITE

ANY OF YOU GOOD FOLK
WHO ARE SICK AND LAME

UP TO THE ALTAR
FOR HEALING.

WHO WOULD LIKE TO BE FIRST?

HOW ABOUT YOU,
POOR LEGLESS CHILD?

UH, NO THANKS.

OH, YES, PLEASE, PASTOR.

COULD YOU HELP ME,
PLEASE, FRIENDS?

JUST GET HIM UP
ON THE STAGE.

BIT OF A KERFUFFLE.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, MEMBERS OF
THE CHRISTIAN BROTHERHOOD.

THANK YOU.
FANTASTIC.

WHAT IS
YOUR NAME, SON?

ANDY PIPKIN.

AND YOU'VE NO FEELING
IN YOUR LEGS WHATSOEVER?

NO.

POOR CRIPPLIFIED ANDY,

GOT NO FEELING IN
HIS LEGS WHATSOEVER.

OW.

JESUS CHRIST, HAVE PITY
ON THIS MONGOLOID BOY

- AND MAKE HIM WALK.
- MAKE HIM WALK!

- RISE UP, ANDY.
- All: RISE UP!

- RISE UP!
- RISE UP.

LET US TRY
ONE MORE TIME, FRIENDS.

PLEASE JOIN ME
IN PRAYER.

I NEED TO USE THE TOILET.

NO, NOT NOW.

DEAR SAVIOR, LORD, WE ASK
FOR A MIRACLE TODAY

TO HELP THIS CHILD WALK.

WE ASK YOU TO BRING
LIFE TO HIS FAT
AND USELESS LIMBS.

THANK YOU, LORD,
FOR YOUR KINDNESS
THIS DAY.

WE LOVE YOU
LOTS AND LOTS.

AND, PLEASE,
SAY A QUICK HELLO
TO THE BABY JESUS.

AMEN!

AMEN.

( toilet flushing )

OOOOH, GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!

HE WALKED TO THE BATHROOM.
IT'S A MIRACLE!

PRAISE BE TO GOD!

IT'S A MIRACLE!
THANK YOU, FATHER.

PRAISE BE JESUS.
PRAISE PRAISE!

PRAISE!
PRAISE THE LORD!

HE WOULDN'T LET ME
GO TO THE TOILET.

Narrator:
IN BRITAIN, IF CHILDREN
ARE RUDE TO THEIR PARENTS

THEY ARE PUT UP FOR ADOPTION.
IN AMERICA,

CHILDREN ARE GENERALLY
BETTER BEHAVED.

"...ALL THE BABY RABBITS
WENT TO SLEEP.

- THE END."
- I LIKE THAT STORY.

- AGAIN AGAIN.
- OH NO, ELLIE GRACE.

IT'S SLEEPY TIME.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, MOMMY.

I LOVE YOU
MORE THAN RAINBOWS.

OH.
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN...
TEDDY BEARS.

I LOVE YOU MORE
THAN SUNSHINE.

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN
CHOCOLATE MILK.

I LOVE YOU
MORE THAN DISNEYLAND.

I LOVE YOU
MORE THAN PENISES.

I LOVE YOU MORE--

WHAT?
WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I LOVE YOU
MORE THAN PENISES.

OR TO USE THE RIGHT TERM--
PENII.

MISS ELLIE GRACE!
WHERE DID YOU LEARN
THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE?

SOME OF THE BIG GIRLS
ON THE PLAYGROUND SAID IT.

DON'T SAY THAT WORD.
IT'S NOT A NICE WORD.

( whimpers )
SORRY, MOMMY.

THAT'S OKAY.

NOW GOOD NIGHT, ELLIE GRACE.

GOOD NIGHT, MOMMY.

I LOVE YOU
MORE THAN SEASHELLS.

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN
COOKIE-DOUGH ICE CREAM.

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN
THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.

I LOVE YOU
MORE THAN BLOWJOBS.

Narrator:
IT'S NIGHT TIME
AT THIS BOOT CAMP IN UTAH.

A BOOT CAMP IS A WONDERFUL
PLACE FOR THOSE YOUNG CRIMINALS

HOPING TO GRADUATE
TO ADULT PRISON.

COME ON, GIRLS!
LIGHTS OUT IN FIVE.

WE'VE GOT A 10-MILE HIKE
TOMORROW.

SOMEBODY'S SMOKING.

ARE YOU SMOKING?

- NO.
- I JUST SAW YOU
SMOKING A CIGARETTE.

AND YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED
TO SMOKE CIGARETTES HERE.

NO, BUT--
YEAH, BUT--

NO, BUT-- YEAH, BUT--

NO, BUT-- YEAH, BUT--
OH MY GOD, THAT IS SO UNFAIR!

EVERYBODY KNOWS I GAVE UP
SMOKING WHEN I WAS LIKE NINE.

ANYWAY, IF ANYBODY'S
BEEN BREAKING THE RULES,
IT'S HARMONY BUTLER

BECAUSE SHE STOLE SHANITA'S
EYELINER PENCIL

AND DREW A PICTURE
ON THE DORMITORY WALL OF
A BIG FAT WOMAN WITH A PENIS

AND WROTE YOUR NAME ON IT.
I'M NOT SAYING YOU'RE A BIG
FAT WOMAN WITH A PENIS,

- I'M JUST SAYING WHAT SHE DID.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT, VICKY,

- BUT YOUR
CIGARETTE IS STILL LIT.
- YOU CALLING ME A LIAR?

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT
BECAUSE THE LAST PERSON TO CALL
ME A LIAR WAS BETHANY RAY

AND SHE ENDED UP GETTING STABBED
IN THE ARM WITH A PENCIL.

BUT I NEVER DONE IT BECAUSE
I WOULD SO NEVER DO THAT!

AND ANYONE WHO SAYS I DID,
I'LL STAB THEM IN THE ARM
WITH A PENCIL.

VICKY, THERE IS SMOKE
COMING OUT OF YOUR HAIR.

SO WHAT IF THERE IS?
STOP GETTING INVOLVED.

OH MY GOD, THIS IS SO UNFAIR.
EVERYONE'S ALWAYS PICKING ON ME,

BUT IT'S JUST
BECAUSE THEY'RE JEALOUS.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT I'M BEAUTIFUL.

SO I LOOK LIKE
A THIN JESSICA ALBA--
DON'T BLAME ME.

- YOUR HAIR'S ON FIRE.
- OH MY GOD.

THAT'S ASHLEY CAMEN'S TOWEL.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

STOP!
GET OFF. OW.

THAT'S ACTUALLY MY HEAD.
OW. STOP TRYING TO--

ARE YOU OKAY?

OH, THANKS VERY MUCH.
NOW I LOOK LIKE
A LESBIAN.

( party chatter )

Narrator:
BRITISH VIEWERS MAY BE
SURPRISED TO LEARN

THAT AMERICA ACTUALLY HAS SOME
ALMOST HIGH-CLASS PEOPLE.

NEXT YEAR WE'LL BE CELEBRATING
OUR 35th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY,
WON'T WE, DARLING?

ISN'T IT AMAZING?
AND OUR KIDS ARE ALL
GROWN UP NOW.

THEY BOTH WENT
TO COLLEGE, DIDN'T THEY?

- THAT'S RIGHT.
ONE AT HARVARD, ONE AT YALE.
- WELL, OF COURSE.

- WE'RE SO PROUD OF THEM.
- MORE CHAMPAGNE?

- THANK YOU.
- NO THANK YOU.

HAVE I MET YOU BEFORE?

I...
I DON'T THINK SO.

I'M SURE I HAVE.
YOUR FACE IS VERY FAMILIAR.

- I DON'T KNOW.
- I'VE DEFINITELY SEEN YOU
SOMEPLACE BEFORE.

- I REALLY DON'T THINK SO.
- DARLING, I DON'T THINK
YOU KNOW THE MAN.

UH UH,
I NEVER FORGET A FACE.

COME ON.
WHERE DO I KNOW YOU FROM?

I DO A LOT OF HARDCORE
GAY PORN MOVIES.

Narrator:
BRITISH RECEPTIONIST
CAROL BEER

HAS BROUGHT HER OWN UNIQUE
SENSE OF FUN IN THE WORKPLACE

TO THIS HOSPITAL
IN PENNSYLVANIA.

- GOOD AFTERNOON.
- I'M ON LUNCH BREAK TILL 2:00.

SORRY.

SORRY.

- SO--
- THAT CLOCK IS
10 SECONDS FAST.

I HAD A PRETTY BAD
ACCIDENT THIS MORNING.

YES, UM, WELL, I WAS
JUST CROSSING THE ROAD

AND I TRIPPED ON THE CURB
AND FELL FLAT ON MY FACE.
( sobs )

- RITA?
- UH-HUH?

- CAN WE GET A TISSUE?
- ( grunts )

OH, THANK YOU.

( blowing )

A BIT SNOTTY.

UH, LOOK, I JUST CAME
FROM THE EMERGENCY ROOM

AND THEY TOLD ME TO COME HERE
AND GET MY ARM X-RAYED.

COMPUTER SAYS NO.

- IS THERE A PROBLEM?
- NO APPOINTMENTS TODAY.

- OH DEAR.
- I CAN DO YOU
AN APPOINTMENT IN MARCH.

WOULD YOU PREFER MORNING
OR AFTERNOON?

OH, I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG.
YOU SEE, MY WRIST

MIGHT BE FRACTURED
OR EVEN BROKEN.

WE'RE ALL BOOKED UP.
YOU SHOULD HAVE REALLY CALLED US
BEFORE YOU HAD YOUR FALL.

WELL, HOW WAS I
SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

I DON'T APPRECIATE
YOUR TONE, MADAM.
I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP.

SORRY.

UM, LOOK,

DO YOU SUPPOSE YOU COULD
ASK ONE OF THE DOCTORS

IF HE COULD POSSIBLY
FIT ME IN AT SOME POINT?

I COULD, BUT...

I'D LIKE TO MAKE A COMPLAINT.
DO YOU HAVE ANY COMPLAINT FORMS?

I'VE RUN OUT.

- ( phone ringing )
- DO--

ST. JOHN'S HOSPITAL.

OH, YOU'D LIKE
TO CANCEL YOUR X-RAY.

DR. CHANG AT 5:00.
THANKS FOR LETTING US KNOW.

- OH.
- YOU'RE IN LUCK.

I FOUND A COMPLAINT FORM.

Narrator:
A SIGNIFICANT PROPORTION
OF AMERICANS HAVE ANUSES.

AND THOSE WHO DO OFTEN HAVE
TO USE PRODUCTS LIKE THIS ONE.

WHAT THE MARKET RESEARCH
TELLS US IS THAT CUSTOMERS

WERE UNCOMFORTABLE
WITH THE NAME "ANUSOL."

PEOPLE WITH HEMORRHOIDS WERE
EMBARRASSED TO ASK FOR IT.

AND THEY DIDN'T LIKE HAVING IT
ON THE SHELF AT HOME.

SO I'VE BEEN WORKING
WITH OUR MARKETING DIVISION
HERE AT M.B.S.T.

TO COME UP
WITH SOME ALTERNATIVES.

"ASS OINTMENT"--
WE FELT THIS WAS A LITTLE
SOFTER THAN ANUSOL.

"ITCHY BUTT BALM"
IS ANOTHER OPTION

WE WORKSHOPPED
FOR A FEW WEEKS.

"TUSH JUICE" HAD
AN EXCELLENT APPROVAL RATING.

AS DID...

"SORE ASSHOLE RELIEF."

BUT IN THE END, I'M PLEASED
TO ANNOUNCE, WE MADE A DECISION.

GENTLEMEN, THOUGHTS?

Narrator:
IN BRITAIN, THERE IS NO CRIME.

SOMEONE ONCE HAD A BIT TOO MUCH
TO DRINK AND SHOUTED
AT A POLICEMAN,

BUT THEY WROTE A LETTER OF
APOLOGY AND ALL WAS FORGOTTEN.

IN AMERICA, HOWEVER,
CRIME IS A WAY OF LIFE.

OKAY, YOU WALK IN
NICE AND EASY,

YOU GO TO THE COUNTER,
YOU FILL UP THE BAG
WITH CASH.

NO ONE NEEDS
TO GET HURT, OKAY?

YOU GOT IT.

- ( alarm blaring )
- ( gunshot )

- ( gunshots )
- ( screaming )

OKAY, WHAT HAVE WE GOT?

WHAT'S THIS?

IT'S...
ONE OF THOSE PENS.

- ON THE CHAINS.
- YEAH, I CAN SEE WHAT IT IS.
WHERE'S THE MONEY?

I GOT KIND OF SCARED
SO I JUST TOOK
THE PEN AND RAN.

JESUS, DO I HAVE TO DO
EVERYTHING MYSELF?

- ( gunshot )
- ( alarm blaring )

OKAY, WHAT HAVE WE GOT?

I CAN SEE YOUR POINT.
YOU GET IN,

YOU GET KIND OF JUMPY,
BUT WE'LL GET SOMETHING
FOR THIS.

YOU KNOW
YOU CAN'T BUY THESE.

Narrator:
THIS IS THE WHITE HOUSE,

HOME OF
THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT.

IF YOU WERE EXTREMELY WEALTHY
AND YOUR FATHER OR HUSBAND
WAS PRESIDENT

YOU MIGHT LIKE
TO HAVE A GO TOO.

THIS HAS BEEN
AN HISTORIC DAY,
PRIME MINISTER.

- IT CERTAINLY HAS,
MR. PRESIDENT.
- I'M SURE THIS TREATY

WILL BRING HARMONY
BETWEEN CHINA AND THE WEST.

I DO HOPE SO, DARLING--
I'M SORRY-- MR. PRESIDENT.

- ( knocks )
- COME IN!

AH YES, I'VE ASKED MY SECRETARY
TO FRAME A PHOTO OF US ALL

TO COMMEMORATE THIS DAY.

OH, THANK YOU.

IT'S A SHAME ABOUT HER,
BUT, OOOH, IT'S A NICE
ONE OF US.

- YEAH.
- I'M SURE YOU DON'T WANT
TO KEEP YOUR JET WAITING.

I'LL SEE YOU NEXT MONTH
AT THE SUMMIT.

I'VE GOT A PRESENT FOR YOU.

OH.

- WHAT IS IT?
- CLOSE YOUR EYES.

- WHAT ARE YOU--
- SHHH.

YOU CAN OPEN YOUR EYES NOW,
MR. PRESIDENT.

IT'S A DIAMOND NECKLACE.

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

- RIGHT.
- I WANTED TO GIVE YOU
A PEARL NECKLACE.

- REALLY?
- YEAH.

I THOUGHT THAT ONE
WAS NICER.

I GOT YOU
THE EARRINGS TOO.

NO.

- BUT THEY GO WITH THE NECKLACE.
- NO THANK YOU.

- LOOK, THEY'RE GORGE.
- LOOK, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

WOULD YOU HELP ME GET
THIS DAMN THING OFF?

( knocks )

( speaking Chinese )

"MR. PRESIDENT,
PRIME MINISTER, I JUST
CAME TO SAY GOODBYE."

- YES, GOODBYE, PRESIDENT YUNG.
- YEAH, GOODBYE, DEAR.

( speaking Chinese )

"ON BEHALF OF THE PEOPLE'S
REPUBLIC OF CHINA,

I THANK YOU."

( under breath )

"THEY LOOK LIKE
A PAIR OF FRUITS."

"OH NO, DON'T TRANSLATE
THAT BIT."

Narrator:
UNLIKE AMERICANS,

BRITISH COUPLES
RARELY DIVORCE,

INSTEAD PREFERRING
TO LIVE OUT THEIR DAYS

IN UNIMAGINABLE MISERY.

RAIN, HA HA.
SHAME, YOU KNOW,

WE CAME ALL THIS WAY.

STILL,
HAPPY MEMORIES, EH?

40 YEARS AGO WE COME HERE
ON OUR HONEYMOON,
THINK OF THAT.

IT RAINED THEN.

SO...

I MEAN, IT'S 10:30.
WE COULD HAVE OUR LUNCH NOW.

BUT PROBABLY
BEST TO WAIT.

DO YOU WANT THE RADIO
ON AT ALL, OR...

SO...

OH, GOT A LEAFLET HERE
AMONGST ALL ME GUBBINS--

LOCAL ATTRACTIONS-STROKE-
PLACES OF INTEREST.

OH, THEY'RE MOSTLY
CLOSED ON A MONDAY:

PENCIL MUSEUM,
CLOSED TODAY;

THE ARTS AND CRAFTS FAIR,
CLOSED TODAY.

OH, THE PARROT ZOO
IS OPEN, BUT, EH...

YOU DON'T LIKE PARROTS,
DO YOU?

NOR BIRDS OF ANY KIND.

THE DOCTOR
SAID YOU WERE...

- ORNITHOPHOBIC.
- ...ORNITHOPHOBIC, YEAH.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

SO...

TEA!

A NICE CUP OF TEA.

A NICE CUP OF
THE HOT BEVERAGE TEA.

HERE WE ARE.

JUST POURED THE HOT TEA
IN YOUR LAP--
STILL NOTHING?

SO...

YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE.

Narrator:
RETIREMENT AGE
IN BRITAIN IS NOW 100,

WHEREAS OLD PEOPLE
IN AMERICA ARE FREE

TO ENJOY MORE TIME
WITH THEIR FAMILY.

CAN I HELP YOU
WITH THOSE, GRANDMA?

HUH?
OH NO NO, I'M JUST FINE.

I MADE SOME OF THEM
OATMEAL AND RAISIN COOKIES

- THAT YOU LIKE.
- THANK YOU, GRANDMA.
I'LL HAVE ONE IN A MINUTE.

YOU KNOW...

NEXT TIME
I COME AND VISIT YOU

I MAY BRING A FRIEND.

OH SURE.
A GIRLFRIEND?

UH, NO.
HIS NAME'S STEVIE

AND HE'S ACTUALLY GAY.

OH, GAY IS HE?

OH.
WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT GAY WAS
WHEN WE WERE YOUNG.

- I GUESS NOT.
- NO, BACK THEN

"GAY" MEANT HAPPY.
A MAN COULD WAKE UP,
TURN TO HIS WIFE

AND SAY, "HONEY,
I'M FEELING GAY TODAY."

HE COULD MEET A GAY MAN
IN A GAY BAR

BUY SOME GAY PORN MAGAZINES
AND HAVE GAY SEX,

AND THERE WERE NO HOMOSEXUAL
CONNOTATIONS WHATSOEVER.

- REALLY?
- OH YEAH, THESE WERE
INNOCENT TIMES.

ME AND... YOU KNOW
EDITH FROM THE FARM?

- AUNT EDITH?
- THAT'S THE ONE.

WE USED TO GET IN THE BATHTUB
TOGETHER AND PLAY WITH EACH
OTHER'S MUTTON FLAPS.

DIDN'T MEAN WE WERE
NO LESBIANS.

WHAT ABOUT GRANDPA?
DIDN'T HE MIND?

MIND? NO, HE DIDN'T
MIND AT ALL.

IN FACT, EVERY SUNDAY,
WE'D GET OUT OF CHURCH,

HE'D SAY TO ME, "MILDRED,
YOU GO AND PUT THE DINNER ON.

I'M GONNA HEAD ON DOWN TO THE
MEN'S ROOM AT THE TRAIN STATION

AND GET ME
SOME PRIME KEISTER."

- GRANDPA SAID THAT?
- SURE HE DID!

HE EVEN DRILLED
HIS OWN GLORYHOLE
IN THE CUBICLE WALL

SO HE COULD INVITE GENTLEMEN
TO STICK THEIR PEE-PEES THROUGH.

AND HE'D TAKE HIMSELF
A PEE-PEE AND GUIDE IT
INTO HIS POOP CHUTE.

WELL, GRANDMA, I'M GLAD
WE HAD THIS LITTLE TALK.

I GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU
ABOUT MY FRIEND STEVIE.

HE'S NOT JUST MY FRIEND,

HE'S MY BOYFRIEND.
I'M GAY.

FAGGOT.

Narrator:
BRITISH WEIGHT-LOSS INSTRUCTOR
MARJORIE DAWES

IS GIVING ADVICE TO THESE
AMERICAN PIG PEOPLE.

OKEY-DOKIE, SO LET'S
HAVE A LOOK HERE.

AND... OH, NOT
LOOKING GOOD, IS IT?

- OH NO.
- HOLD IT.

OH, YOU'VE PUT ON
TWO LBS.

OH, AND I TRIED SO HARD
THIS WEEK, MARJORIE.

- OH, IT'S NOT EASY, IS IT?
- NO, IT'S NOT.

OH DEAR.
AND HOW OLD
ARE YOU, MY LOVE?

- 65.
- OH DEAR, SHE'S 65,

SHE'S OBESE AND THERE'S
NO HUSBAND, IS THERE?

- NO, HE LEFT ME AT CHRISTMAS.
- MMM MMM.

DO YOU EVER THINK,
"WHAT'S THE POINT?"

- NO!
- I WOULD IF I WAS YOU.

DO YOU WANT TO WADDLE BACK
TO YOUR SEAT, MY LOVE?

THANK YOU, SWEETNESS.

OH DEAR.

OKAY, WHO'S NEXT?

YES, JENNY.
JOLLY JENNY.

( laughs )
JOLLY FAT JENNY.

OKAY, IF YOU WANT
TO POP UP ONTO THE SCALES.

EASY NOW.
AND LET'S HAVE A LOOK.

YOU WERE 280 LBS.

YOU ARE NOW...
OH DEAR.

OH.
275 LBS.

- YES!
- ( applause )

WHOO-HOO.

- FIVE LBS.
- WOW.

YEAH.
THAT'S A LOT OF WEIGHT
TO LOSE IN A WEEK.

- OH, IT SURE IS, MARJORIE.
- YEAH.

YOU MUST HAVE
REALLY BEEN FOLLOWING
THE FAT FIGHTERS' DIET.

WELL, ACTUALLY I'VE BEEN
COMING HERE FOR YEARS

AND I'VE NEVER REALLY
LOST ANY WEIGHT BEFORE.

- IS THAT RIGHT?
- YEAH.

SO MY DOCTOR ADVISED ME
TO GET THE GASTRIC BAND FITTED.

AND THE WEIGHT HAS JUST
BEEN DROPPING OFF.

- LOOK.
- ( applause )

YOU CHEATED.

WELL, THE DOCTOR TOLD ME
TO HAVE IT FITTED.

YOU CHEATED, JENNY.
YOU'RE A CHEAT.

- I DON'T SEE
HOW THAT'S CHEATING.
- BACK TO YOUR SEAT, PLEASE.

( sniffs )

YOU KNOW, I TRY
REALLY HARD HERE

AT FAT FIGHTERS.

WEEK IN, WEEK OUT,
I'M HERE,

NOT JUST AS A COURSE LEADER,
BUT ALSO AS A FRIEND.

NO, MORE THAN A FRIEND.
A LOVER.

AND I TRY AND HELP
YOU FAT PEOPLE.

AND WHAT DO YOU DO, JENNY?

YOU TURN AROUND
AND SLAP ME IN THE FACE.

( Spanish accent )
SHE'S JUST TRYING
TO LOSE WEIGHT.

IN ENGLISH, PLEASE,
IF YOU ARE GOING TO CHIP IN.

JENNY, YOU'VE LET ME DOWN,

YOU'VE LET THE GROUP DOWN,
BUT MOST OF ALL, JENNY,

YOU'VE LET YOURSELF DOWN.

WELL, I'M SORRY,
MARJORIE.

THE DOCTOR SAID
I SHOULD HAVE IT DONE.

THERE'S REALLY NOTHING
I CAN DO ABOUT IT NOW.

WELL, YOU CAN
HAVE IT TAKEN OUT.

- IT'S NOT AS EASY AS THAT.
- HOW HARD CAN IT BE?

IT'S SURGERY.
YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE
AN APPOINTMENT.

- YOU'VE GOT TO--
- HOLD STILL.

WHAT?
( gurgles )

IT MUST BE
IN HERE SOMEWHERE.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

RIGHT.

YOU CAN HAVE THAT
BACK AT THE END.

OKAY, SO WHO'S NEXT
FOR THE WEIGH IN?

Narrator:
MEANWHILE, A CONCERT
IS TAKING PLACE

BY THE LEAD SINGER
OF POPULAR BRITISH BAND
"THE COPS."

THAT'S RIGHT,
IT'S "STUNK."

THANKS, EVERYONE.

FOR THIS NEXT SONG, I NORMALLY
INVITE A YOUNG LADY

TO BE WITH ME ON STAGE,
SO WOULD ANYBODY LIKE THAT?

OH, ME ME!
I'M A LADY.

UH, YES, YOU.
THANK YOU.

HELLO.
HELLO, SIR.

EH, MADAM.

IT'S EMILY.
EMILY HOWARD.

EMILY.
AND WHERE ARE
YOU FROM, EMILY?

THE OLDEN DAYS.
( laughs )

FROM BRITAIN,
LIKE YOURSELF.

BUT I'M STAYING HERE
AT LE MARRIOTT.

ROOM 442.
KNOCK THREE TIMES
AND I'LL KNOW IT'S YOU.

OKAY.
AND WHAT DO
YOU DO, EMILY?

I'M A LADY.
I DO LADIES' THINGS.

- LIKE WHAT?
- WELL, I BATHE IN ROSE PETALS.

I SKIP THROUGH MEADOWS.
I PLAY THE HARP.

THAT SORT OF BOLLOCKS.

- UM, DO YOU KNOW THIS SONG?
- YES. MAY I JUST SAY

I'VE BEEN A FAN OF YOURS
EVER SINCE I WAS A LITTLE BOY?

A LITTLE GIRL!
GIRL, YES.

I'M DEFINITELY A GIRL.
I DON'T HAVE MALE GENITALIA.

( laughing )

I'M SURE YOU DON'T.

( singing soft rock song )

( singing off-key
with deep voice )

- RIGHT. THANK YOU.
- THANK YOU.

THANKS, EVERYBODY.
A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, STING.
THANK YOU.

YES!

THANK YOU, EMILY.

THANK YOU.

( singing )

Narrator:
AND SO OUR BICULTURAL
EXAMINATION

IS OVER FOR ANOTHER WEEK.

IF YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING
THIS EVENING'S PROGRAM
IN BRITAIN,

IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO FINISH
YOUR COCOA AND RETIRE
FOR THE EVENING.

IF YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING
IN AMERICA,

PUT YOUR UZI
BACK IN THE DRAWER,

TAKE ONE LAST HIT
FROM THE CRACK PIPE AND THEN
STRAIGHT TO BED, PLEASE.

GOODBYE.

( theme music playing )