All language subtitles for rick.and.morty.s04e05.720p.webrip.x264-tbs[eztv]

Morty, be sure to pee before we go.

This adventure is gonna be a long haul,

and I don't feel like emptying the jug.

Jerry, will you please just let
me automate this [BLEEP] task?

I didn't ask for anyone's help.

You two are welcome to leave.

Mom told me she wanted me to stay here

to make sure you didn't die.

Well, you tell your mother
that I'm gonna be fine.

Don't train your child to lie, Jerry,

even though, you know, 'tis the season.

Then I'll tell her. Whoa!

I told you, no more rays.

What ray did you zap me with?

I made your atomic matrix
slightly lighter than air,

and now your shoes are heavier than air,

which makes you neutrally buoyant,

which I find personally more
impressive conceptually

than walking on water,
but what do I know?

I wasn't born into the god business.

I [BLEEP] earned it.

Whoa!

Just to be clear, this
doesn't mean you helped me.

It wears off in 10 hours,

and the next hit will cost you 30 bucks.

Like I'll even be using it in 10 hours.

Siri, set a 9-hour and 50-minute timer.

Playing The Beatles.

- I need to pee.
- Nope.

Here, I've got a centipede
you can swallow

that makes you not have to go.

I ain't swallowing no centipede.

What, you think the centipede
wants to eat your pee?

You're not the victim
in this transaction.

Uh-oh, flat tire.

How the hell do you get a
flat tire in space, Rick?

Obviously from a sharp
thing in space, Morty.

It's just crazy how much it feels

like getting a regular flat.

Oh, no, no, that's just
my custom-programmed,

fully immersive flat-tire
indication experience.

I can turn it off.
I thought it was cooler

than the celebrity voice
package, but here.

Flat tire... you should be... walkin'.

- Oof.
- Yeah.

- Can I come out with you, Rick?
- No, I've seen this movie.

Two guys leave th... e ship.

One guy goes spinning away.

You're staying in here where it's safe.

- Morty, goddamn it.
- Come on.

I n... I never get to be out here.

Ugh, you young people
think space is like

"Saturday Night Live."

You see it every day, so
you dream of being in it,

but it dreams of removing
all the air from your body

and making you float
around it for eternity

as a flash-mummified corpse,

which is also what space
wants, so get back in the car.

I'm not in danger.
There's nothing out here.

Literally everything is out here,

and unlike everywhere else,
I'm too busy to help you.

Right, because you're always so helpful.

Ah!

- God damn it.
- What is that?

Obviously, it's a space snake.

T-There's snakes in space?

There's literally
everything in space, Morty!

Now get the [BLEEP] back in the car.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --

I'm dying, Rick.

I can see the black mountain.

People who are really dying
don't keep bring it up.

- Is that true?
- I don't know.

I'm just usually around
people that die faster.

All right. All right.

J-Just let me analyze
the snake's planet,

so I can whip up an antivenom.

Computer, you might want
to put a rush on this.

Morty's starting to look
like a '90s Japanese ghost.

Cutting corners.

Oof, oh, my God,
these snakes are a mess.

19 billion snakes divided
into 10,000 nations

all on the brink of global war over...

race.

How funny is that?

Imagine being a racist snake.

"Hey, other snake, I hate you

because you're the wrong color, snake."

Oh, my God. You're not laughing?

Oh, you're dying.

It's a miracle they were able
to fling one this far out

before they slithered into extinction.

Oh, oh, God, I killed their...

What's his name, their Buzz Aspirin?

It's actually Buzz Advil, Morty,

and, uh, this is totally different.

It's a female snake.

There's an extra layer of heartbreak.

Wait. Wait. Morty, Morty, you hear that?

Listen.

Snake jazz.

Ha. Idiots. Let's get moving.

We've got a long way to go, and
I'm not sharing that centipede.

Rick, wait. Go back.

I-I can't be the reason why
19 billion snakes lost all hope.

That's right, Morty. Only 19
billion snakes can do that.

That species was never
getting beyond this stage.

To paraphrase the great Jeff Foxworthy,

if you bite your first
contact on its ankle,

you might be a
type-zero-civilization-neck."

What up, homeys?

Shooting hoops, I see.

Hey, who's interested in a friendly bet

that this white guy can jump.

Hey, leave the racial stuff
off the court, okay?

Oh, I thought that kind of
talk was part of street ball.

Well, now it's part of
everything else, so chill.

We... We got off on the wrong foot.

My name is Jerry Smith.
I live in the suburbs.

I'm only here because
I have a certain power

I wanted to kind of celebrate
before it goes away.

Yo, we got a Nazi up here.

Hey, I think there's a misunderstanding.

Here, just... just watch.

Huh?

Help! Help!

I-I need that shoe!

No, no, don't touch that
shoe or that money.

Let them be a powerful
but confusing monument

to our neighborhood's integrity.

Oh, boy, what an adventure, huh?

Hey, Morty, listen. I can
tell you're pretty upset

about the whole snake encounter thing,

so I'll tell you what.

I'm just gonna go ahead and avoid you

for the rest of the day.

Play snake jazz.

I-Is this one friendly?

It's a snake.

You ever... You ever see
this one look up at the sky

like it's dreaming of something more?

No, but, uh, all those ones
marked with red sticker, yeah.

Any snake over 50 bucks
yearns for the beyond.

I-I-I've seen them do it.

Ow! Damn it, Slippy, come on.

Ow! Just please.

I'm sorry.

Everyone has a plumbus in their home.

First, they take the dinglepop.

Ow! [BLEEP] monster.

Downbeat.

How do you win this [BLEEP] game?

We-We've never gotten that far.

Guys, did I not tell you
to keep your eye on Jerry?

- We did.
- Then where is he?

Maybe he's having an affair.

But for real, has anyone seen him?

Grandpa, did you trap him
in a painting again?

I didn't do shit.

Well, y-y-you made him floaty.

- Asshole.
- Made him floaty?

I saved his life by making his
body slightly lighter than air,

and it expires in a couple of hours.

Expires, like he'll fall out of the sky?

He won't by in the sky, Beth,

unless it's possible for Jerry
to [BLEEP] up wearing shoes.

- Oh, crap, he's gonna die.
- What were you thinking?

Hey, babe.

Jerry, are you in the air?

Rick told me he made you floaty.

Made me floaty? Pfft.

Got to love Rick's world view.

Yes, I had Rick make me floaty

so I could put up some lights.

Now, I'm at the light store.

Get away!

Sorry, this lady at the
store is trying to peck me.

Yes, you can help me find
lights after I'm off the phone.

We're in Rick's ship. How
about we just pick you up?

- You're with Rick?
- Well, why wouldn't I...

Jerry, I paused Beth with a device

Christopher Walken gave
me after a record session.

Real talk, buddy, where you at?

- Go to hell, Rick.
- Come on, Jerry.

I can recognize the sound of a seagull.

Can you recognize the
sound of a man's pants

filling up with rain?

I hope to one day.

Jerry, I'll tell you what.

Because it's Christmas,
I'm gonna do you a favor.

I won't let you die,
and I won't tell Beth

that you almost killed yourself.

- Sounds like a win-win to me.
- Come again?

If I survive, it'll be without you,

and if I die, it'll be on your ass.

Merry Christmas, bitch.

I am the Jesus Christ of Christmas!

... I be with him?

We both care.

- Whoa. Jerry.
- Yes, honey?

Let us just come get you.

Beth, I am so touched

that you care for me
this much, but I'm fine,

and I just want to put up
these Christmas lights,

and I will eat your world.

Honey, my dad can hear you.

Got to go.

See you soon.

Okay.

Well, it sounds like he's fine.

Yeah, I'm almost kind of
rooting for him this time.

One Diet Sprite Remix, please,

and, uh, is anyone here an Uber driver?

You can't bring that boulder in here.

- What?
- I said no boulders.

- This ain't the lake, buddy.
- Drop the rock.

Well, it's kind of a...
a service boulder.

Yeah, I float without it.

Big man holding a big rock,

think you can take me down?

No, obviously not.

- You're huge.
- Then put it down.

- Put the boulder down!
- If I put it down,

- I'm going to float.
- Drop it!

- Put it down!
- And frankly, your bar

has a lot of ceiling fans.

- You think you're better than us?
- Drop the rock.

- Put it down.
- Okay, okay, okay.

Hey, whoa, what the [BLEEP].

- Stop doing that.
- I told you this would happen.

- Well, stop floating.
- Who said you could float here?

I can't control it.

Aaaaaaaaaah!

And take your girlfriend with you.

Summer, how supes shook am I

about your playlisting
fleekness tonight?

You love it? It's snake jazz.

My little brother got bit
by a snake in outer space

and killed it with a hubcap,

and my grandpa had to
scan its planet's culture

for an antivenom, and they found this.

It's my jam.

Seriously, my new thing
now is snake jazz.

Can you alter the course of
a species' evolution like that

without repercussions?

Gee, I don't know, Nancy.

Can you alter the course of
being a giant [BLEEP] nerd?

- Sorry.
- Also, later,

we need to discuss your
clothing and your weight.

That's fair.

What the hell?

Target acquired.

Snakes! Get back in the car!

Morty, enough with the... Snakes!

Target acquired.

Aliens, I am a robot sent back in time

by the Snake Resistance

to protect you from Serpacorp.

My appearance is designed to be familiar

and to put you at ease.

The ape child must be eliminated
to protect our timeline.

Morty, what the hell did you do?

I was just trying to do the right thing.

I took a living snake...

- Get behind me. I will protect...
- Aaah!

Why... Why are they attacking us?

I-I-I helped them.

You gave them proof that
there was something bigger

and scarier to unite
against, you little idiot.

They would have gone
back into the Dark Ages

for a couple of generations,

but instead, they dedicated themselves

into making universe-destroying,

un-thought-out technology
like time travel

all so they could try to kill a
little [BLEEP] sack on Earth

who couldn't let a dead snake be dead

even after it bit his ankle.

Next time, stay in the [BLEEP] car.

17 billion snake lives
ended on June 21, 2026.

The survivors lived only
to face a new nightmare,

- the war between snake and machine.
- _

In the end, snake overcame machine

because of what we couldn't predict...

that an alien, a child from a
distant star, would save us.

_

W-Where are we going?
W-What are we doing here, Rick?

We got to get the heart of Snake Net.

Now, shut up, and stay close.

Resistance is mouselike.

Whoa, hey, look. That
one's actually really cool.

Come here, little guy.

Ah, you little son of a bitch.

Come on, Morty.

Your brood must be exterminated.

You will not kill her or her brood.

- Must kill brood and mother.
- Get behind me.

Your brood will seed
all life on this planet.

- That doesn't make sense.
- That didn't make sense.

Hey, it's... it's Slippy!

Keep up, shit bag.

Hi, you went directly to voicemail

because your number is not in my phone.

Don't leave a message.

Hi, honey.

Uh, look. Morty told me
that you didn't think

I could hang lights
without killing myself.

Look, I want to be a strong man
for you, but the truth is...

The truth is, I'm coming home
with the best lights ever.

Oof.

Whoa, feel that turbulence?

Nope, I'm on molly.

Give me some. Ahh.

Aaaah!

I don't suppose you
guys will take a bribe?

Ah!

Anyone else want legs?

God damn it. Are you kidding me?

I thought there'd be a
time machine in here.

They're not even a quarter of
the way through making it.

I'm gonna have to invent it for them.

I-I don't know snake math.

Ugh, I didn't want to have to do this.

[BLEEP] All right.

W-What's going on? What are you doing?

I'm reminding myself to commit
even more to your [BLEEP] up.

Hey, assholes.

[BLEEP] you. Takes one to know one.

What the heck?

- Hey, man, you... you okay?
- You know what? [BLEEP] you.

- What? Screw you.
- Here.

Come on. Was it really that hard?

What do you think? Come on, Morty.

Man, I-I-I wonder why I had a black eye.

Morty, shut the [BLEEP]
up and put these on.

_

Okay, so w-what are we doing?

That book has everything they need

to create snake time travel,

a-and they're getting
it in 1985, snake time.

Now, they're gonna do it so
early that it won't involve us,

and they're gonna be
even stupider with it.

Huh, a-and then what?

We're removing ourselves
from this sloppy,

[BLEEP] up story and
letting snake time travel

eat its own tail.

_

_

Just have to keep my grip.

Jerry Smith, I am here to save you.

What? I already told
Rick I don't want help.

I do not know Rick.

I was sent by a society
of human-snake hybrids...

- Classic Rick.
- ... from an alternate version...

I did it! We're landing!

I knew I could do it.

Jesus Christ, Rick, it's
pandemonium out there!

T-This is worse than when we left.

Rick, look, Summer!

Nobody chokes me without consent.

Y-You just made things worse, Rick.

Trust me, Morty. We helped
them press on the gas pedal.

We just got to wait for
them to blow by a cop.

_

Shleemypants here, what's up?

Snakes? Time travel? They did what?

How the [BLEEP] did...
Okay, okay, I'm on it.

We got a 10-51 on a
goddamn snake planet.

Don't look at me. I'm afraid of snakes.

"I'm afraid of snakes," [BLEEP].

You afraid of work.
That's what you afraid of.

All right. All right.

Let's go take care of this.

Oh, look at you.

You a smart snake, huh?

You using tools now, huh?

Those tools are gonna turn into you

manipulating the fabric of shit.

- Get over here, mother[BLEEP].
- What the [BLEEP] you think you doing?

- Don't [BLEEP] with time.
- You don't [BLEEP] with time.

Holy [BLEEP].

What happened?

Look, this is better
than them attacking us.

Also, that's about as much curvature

as you're gonna get from
a time-travel story.

You know what? This one counts
as one of your adventures.

- Hey, come on.
- No freebies.

Aw, man, I-I wanted to go to Boob World.

Well, now, we can't
because you [BLEEP] up.

Got to learn a lesson.

You want to go to Boob World, Summer?

Eh, not today.

This sucks.

Hey, honey, check it out.

Jerry, I was worried about you.

Oh, just killing some snakes
up here like everyone else,

I guess, and finishing
the Christmas lights.

Wait, the whole time?
I was screaming for help,

and you stayed on the roof?

I couldn't hear you
over my own screaming.

We've talked about this.

Well, I'm just glad you're safe.

Well, duh, of course, I'm safe.

Hey, guess what, asshole.

I did it without you.

Whoa! Ah!

Oh, God, it hurts.

What was that?

I healed your leg 50%.

The rest is on you, big man.

That's what I'm talking about.
Respect, my brother.

Geez, your dad sucks. All right, Morty.

Let's go enjoy a little
bit of eggnog, huh?

- All right.
- Not so fast, boys.

Yeah, I think you might
be forgetting something.

Merry Christmas,
[BLEEP] nuts. Get to work.

Geez, I don't see why you
have to be smug about it.

- A bunch of [BLEEP].
- That's not necessary.

- This [BLEEP] sucks.
- Yeah, it's fun until it's you,

- huh, shit nog?
- Yeah, have fun sewing

those snake costumes together,

- you little tramp.
- You tell them, Morty.

Geez, you guys don't have to
be dicks about it, all right?

Yeah, neither did the guys before us,

but you know what? They were.

- Merry Christmas, you shit bags.
- Yeah, ghost of Christmas future,

bitches, you [BLEEP] idiots.

- So mean.
- Those guys are mean.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --

Man, I just want to open
my Christmas presents.

Well, I'm waiting on you to
finish those snake costumes.

I'm almost done. You know what?

T-They're good enough. I'm done.

All right. Let's go.

All right. We're landing. Come on.

Man, I can't believe
we're almost done, Rick.

I can practically taste the eggnog.

Hey, you know what?

I... I feel like we're
forgetting something.

Oh, yeah, uh, thanks for reminding me.

Morty, next time, stay in the car.

_