Original subtitles

[purring]

[meowing]

♪ I need some meat on my bones ♪

♪ Gonna get some meat on my bones ♪

♪ I need something for my soul ♪

♪ I need some meat on my bones ♪

♪ Brother, my brother ♪

OK, guys. Listen.

I found this

in one of the packages this morning.

Is this some kind of a warning or something?

OK.

I got the point.

[Vinny] "Topper Harley is a genius.

Cried for the first time ever while watching a porn flick.

Crying and fucking. Kinkiest shit. And I love it."

[chuckles]

Are you fucking with me? Charlie Sheen wrote that?

‐Nope. It's fucking Charlie Sheen on Twitter. ‐Insane! Everybody loves it!

‐Hiya... ‐The whole thing is thanks to you, baby.

I just don't get how the hell Charlie Sheen could have seen it.

Uh... Guilty!

I put a few clips on PornHub to test out the response

on this new style. And boy, oh boy, what a hit!

More than 250,000 views in less than two hours.

Plus there's a review by Porn Daily.

Porn Daily?

Porn Daily is the Variety of the porn business.

Listen! "Once in a while I come across true talent.

It might be an actor with an extra‐big dick.

It might be an actress with stunning fuck‐face and magic fellatio skills.

But never ever have I been positively surprised on a level like this.

The way this porn flick is cut, shot, and directed

is nothing but pure pornographic poetry."

"Poetry." You see?

"Me and my wife sure look forward to Topper Harley's next porn flick.

Four boners out of five."

‐May I see? ‐[Vinny] Sure.

[Vinny sighs]

We need to think fast and big and strike while the iron is hot.

And I have an idea. We'll take Scandinavian blockbusters

that everyone knows and turn them into porn.

Goöta Kanal will be Goöte's Anal, Men and Chicken...

Hell, we don't even need to change that title.

He says the film is pure poetry.

But that's what I'm saying! That's what this business is lacking.

You brought your game, my man.

You brought your poetry into this washed‐out genre.

You've created "pornetry," my friend.

OK, I'll make a new film.

And I'll make it even more poetic.

[laughs] That's why I fucking love you, man! Do you have an idea?

‐I do now. ‐OK.

The sea!

OK, listen up. The year is 1947.

And Thor Heyerdahl, a man of enormous ambition,

decides to build a wooden raft

from straw, twigs, and rope!

And he will sail on this raft

from Peru to Polynesia.

Everyone says it's impossible.

But Thor Heyerdahl doesn't give a shit!

He's going to do it. He'll take this tiny vessel to sea

to show the whole world he can do it.

He gathers three men. Three hard‐boiled motherfuckers.

And together they begin their voyage

on the Kon‐Tiki.

[Vinny] So what's the point of this history class?

Imagine four lonely men

in the middle of the ocean. It's been days, weeks, months...

‐What would they do? ‐You want to go gay?

‐Guys, are you OK with that? ‐I'm fine with it.

Yeah. Yeah.

These men are frustrated. There are no women at sea!

They become desperate and obsessed with the idea

of ensuring the survival of their family.

They want to create life!

Boom!

That's when the ladies show up. Fuck, yeah!

This is where the surreal thing happens.

A Russian all‐female fishing boat

rescues them off the raft

and rocks them to sleep?

No. Try to visualize it!

‐What would they do? ‐Uh... Guys?

‐Mermaids. ‐Yeah, bam!

‐Boom! ‐Mermaids!

Imagine beautiful mermaids with big boobs, great asses, and scales.

They're sexually frustrated. And you are the star!

‐Kon‐Tiki! ‐Not Kon‐Tiki, dammit, Cum‐Tiki.

OK, Cum‐Tiki!

I would like to say to you all

thank you for putting up with me

in creating this... art.

‐Big art! ‐[cheering]

Come on, let's have a group hug!

Cum‐Tiki!

OK, listen up.

It would be impossible for us to reconstruct the original raft.

But we could build something similar. Something like this.

‐Like that? ‐Nuuk?

[speaks dialect]

‐What the hell is he saying? ‐I don't understand a word.

‐Just nod, it usually works. ‐[dialect]

Uh... 1,000 euros.

What the fuck... You speak Greenlandic?

No, but cash is a universal language.

Ooooh!

Ooh!

Ooooh!

Awesome. Great. Super!

Right, we need four men

and five or six women.

Yeah, I'm on it like a fat boy on a cake.

OK, great.

‐Yes? ‐How do you plan to shoot this extravaganza?

On Super 16. Like the great Rune Ericson.

Yeah, and, Nuuk, you'll build the raft here in the studio,

and we'll bring some water in, some basins with water,

and, you know, the forefront and stuff like that

and we'll have you sew up some mermaid costumes.

And boom, we have it planned.

So let me get this straight. You don't want to shoot on the water?

No. It would be incredible if we could do that, but we can't do that.

We don't have the money for it.

But I think that we can do the sea here in the studio,

with a blue screen. ‐Sure. Sure.

I mean, our entire budget might cover the phone call to George Lucas.

[Vinny] Georgina, come on, give him a break. If he wants to shoot blue screen, let's try it.

Whatever.

‐OK, shall we do it? ‐[all] Yeah!

[Vinny] Let's do it. Nuuk, are you alright for this?

It's going to be great.

‐Hello. ‐Hi.

‐Here you go. ‐Thanks.

‐I think I might need more milk. ‐Sure, just give me a call.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

‐But this should be enough for a while. ‐Oh, OK.

It's been four days since I had my last glass of mother's milk.

And check this out.

Fuck! It's not chronic, is it?

I sure hope not.

‐But you get used to it. ‐It doesn't bother you?

No, but you need a big sweater.

But be careful with the dosage. Don't take too much.

‐Alright. Got it. ‐I'm out of here. See you.

‐Kon‐Tiki? ‐[clang!]

Ow!

‐Kon‐Tiki? ‐Kon‐Tiki.

Yeah, it's a raft

that I'm trying to draw some inspiration from.

‐For a commercial. ‐Right, about what?

‐Kids. ‐Kids?

Yes, children's beds.

‐Moses? ‐Moses?

He floated around in a straw basket.

‐Is that what you're thinking? ‐Yes.

Imagine, I know you so well! Isn't that amazing?

‐Amazing. ‐Wine?

‐Wine? ‐Yes. Do you want some?

Is that wine? Could you come? I don't understand this Swedish.

Um...

‐This word right here. ‐"Overachieving."

Overachieving... Right, sorry.

I'm just a bit confused.

How's work? How do you feel?

Are you sad about leaving?

I'm so nervous about starting my own business.

Jonna, I think you are a great real estate agent.

Last week a nice property came in that I can bring with me.

‐Uh‐huh? ‐But it needs a lot of work.

There's a dead deer in the pool.

‐A deer in the pool? ‐Yep.

I need to clean out the pool before putting it on the market.

‐Mom. ‐What?

‐I can't find my new jeans. ‐On the chair in your room.

‐Nope. ‐Yes, they are.

‐No! ‐Yes.

What the fuck! Wille...

‐Shit, you really scared me! ‐I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.

I just wanted to return the keys and this.

You left it at Bosse's.

So just give the keys to Jonna

and tell her we removed the deer from the pool.

‐OK. Is the pool filled up? ‐Mm.

OK. And these are the keys to the house?

‐Mm. ‐May I have them?

And the glasses. Thanks, Wille.

Uh... So how are you?

Well, I'm fine. It's all good.

‐Busy with work? ‐Yeah...

‐We have a full plate. ‐In Copenhagen?

Yeah.

Uh... How do you get there?

Uh... To Copenhagen?

I drive my Vespa across the bridge.

Uh...

What time do you leave?

I usually leave around nine.

Where is this company located? What's the address?

What are you, some sort of private investigator?

Do you want to know what I had for breakfast too?

No, it's just that I'm curious.

Me and the boys, we all like film.

And you work with film!

Wille, I'm happy you stopped by,

but I need to put together a production list for tomorrow.

Say hello to Bosse and the boys!

What's the name of the company?

‐Bombay Films. ‐Bombay Films...

‐[Jonna] Who was it? ‐Huh?

[Jonna] Who was it?

Oh, Wille dropped by... with my glasses case.

[Jonna] OK.

Hi, I saw your ad in the paper and thought it seems interesting.

‐Yes, no? ‐Next.

I enjoy sex.

‐It would be an amazing thing to combine... ‐Next.

‐[woman] It's nine o'clock, I'm walking on the beach... ‐Next.

‐I'm into motorcycles... ‐Next.

‐Hi, there. I'm Frank! ‐Next.

[woman coughing]

‐Apart from spreading my legs... ‐She's lying. Next.

We need to find someone.

Hi there. I have a huge cock. Let me show it to you.

I think she's pretty. Vulnerable and cute in a sexy way.

‐Then I'll call her. Are we done? ‐Yeah, we have our cast.

‐[knocking] ‐Hi, Karsten? What's up?

‐Babette? ‐Yeah.

‐She's hot. I like her. ‐Good, we just hired her.

Nice. Vincent, this is for you.

I don't have anything for you. I could give you a kiss?

I'm joking. Later!

Dallas.

What's in those envelopes?

Yes. I've seen Dallas and Lene give them to you.

Do they contain money? Or is it something secret?

Uh... It's money.

They're paying back an advance I gave them.

Actors don't know how to plan anything.

Nuuk said something about Cum‐Tiki.

I think he's almost done.

But why do they give you envelopes

instead of making a bank transfer?

What fucking difference does it make?

What about the package you asked me to deliver?

Was it pot? Cocaine? Is there something you're not telling me?

I'm not a drug dealer, OK? I produce movies!

What, do I look like a drug dealer?

‐Yes, you actually do. ‐Let's focus on Cum‐Tiki.

Stop that!

‐Relax. Jesus. ‐[speaks dialect]

I can't understand what he's saying.

[speaks dialect, makes monkey sounds]

‐What the hell is he saying? ‐[dialect]

I have no idea.

Cum‐Tiki, Cum‐Tiki...

‐Cum‐Tiki! ‐Oh, Cum‐Tiki...

[dialect]

Cum‐To‐Kiki.

Ta‐da!

OK. Arigato, aloha, or whatever you say.

[dialect]

‐That's actually Hawaiian. ‐Same shit, isn't it?

Not at all. Nuuk?

[blows]

Nuuk, does it float?

[dialect]

Nuuk knows his shit. You can trust him.

I just had an amazing idea!

[blows]

I have the keys to a house with a pool.

This will be great.

Nooky‐fooky! [makes monkey sounds, laughs]

[grunts, speaks in dialect]

[dialect]

Go, go, go, go, go!

I'm impressed. I didn't think you had it in you.

‐No guts, no glory. Let's go! ‐That's the spirit I'm fucking talking about!

Let's do this. Nuuk, let's go!

Ah!

‐I will be a porn star! ‐Do you feel cold?

Very cold!

Ahem! OK...

These mermaids, they're fucking rock 'n' roll, they are. They're fucking good.

You don't think so?

Yeah, some...

I'll look in the lens.

Fucking great! Fucking great! Great, great, great.

Nuuk, you got the sound all ready? Yeah?

Fantastic! This will be amazing. I tell you, man.

Great!

[Lene] Karsten, what are we doing? Licking and fingering?

No, dammit! Imagine you are in the middle of a gigantic ocean.

You are all alone.

You haven't seen a man in years.

You feel an almost desperate fear

for your own race.

The mermaids will soon be extinct.

‐No, don't lick it! ‐Don't lick?

Don't interrupt me, please!

OK, fuck the script. OK?

‐Are you ready on sound? ‐Yeah.

‐How many dildos do you have? ‐Two.

OK.

Action!

Fantastic! Stop... Uh...

No pussy‐licking!

Keep in mind that what you have is something real.

Do you think you could make some guttural sounds? [demonstrates]

‐Seriously? ‐It's the mating calls for the men, you know...

‐OK. Make some guttural sounds. ‐[squealing]

Keep doing it!

OK, go close on their eyes.

Oh, it's good, man.

Oh, my God!

You're so cute... Hold on a second.

Sorry, I just wanted to check...

‐The pool will be cleaned next week, right? ‐Mm.

‐The deer is gone, right? ‐I think so.

I just had a call from... Wait, Tobbe!

I just had a call from some neighbor who saw vans and people there.

‐Weird, right? Do you know anything? ‐No.

‐No? ‐No, I don't.

Right. Anyway, I'm off to lunch.

Look how fat I am! Makes me want to puke.

I'm taking a spin class. Do you want to join?

[laughing] No.

This fat needs to go. Tobbe, just grab a salad.

[bird chirping]

We're waiting for the leaves to fall.

Yeah. Just be patient.

‐Or what? ‐Look at the birds.

Georgina, listen. Uh...

I know that you got some problems with me as a director. I know that.

But actually you have to talk with Vinny; Vinny was the one who hired me in the first place.

Look, I know we've got some different views on eroticism, you and me.

Different, yeah.

A pool full of gorgeous girls who haven't seen a man in years

and what do you want to shoot? A leaf falling from a branch.

Two hours. What did you call it? The loneliness of God.

Jesus Christ.

Tell me something, where's the fucking?

‐We got the girls! ‐No, you shot the girls

paddling around like goldfish.

This isn't Animal Planet. It's porn.

And we don't have a single frame of that to take with us to the editing room.

They meet the men later on the raft! You know?

We can do that in the studio, Georgina.

Look, I know your friend Vince brought you here

to elevate the quality, and that's all fine and well.

You're not a dick‐and‐pussy director, are you, Karsten?

No. No, I'm not.

OK.

But why do we not try to work together on this one? You know?

I shoot my quality or whatever you call it and...

and you do the other stuff.

‐The fucking? ‐Yeah. What do you think about that?

[chuckles]

Well, I don't think we have much of a choice really.

I mean, we're stuck in this shit.

We have to work together, man. OK...

Karsten?

Yes?

‐Stop calling me "man." ‐Oh, sure. Of course.

Yeah.

[sighs]

Let's go.

[starts engine]

[stops engine]

Hold this. I left my e‐cigarette. I'll be right back.

Ai‐yai‐yai...

Well, a man's got to have his smokes.

Sorry, guys.

[cat whines]

[Jonna] Hello?

Hello?

[giggles]

OK...

[buzzing]

‐Honk! ‐[honks horn]

[honks]

[buzzing]

[Jonna sighing]

[honks]

[speaks dialect]

[panting]

[moaning]

‐[Joanna] Ahhh! ‐[horn honks]

‐Ahhh! Ahhh! ‐[honk]

[panting]

‐[phone buzzing] ‐[giggles]

No, it's fine.

[giggles] There's no one here.

Yeah, so everything is fine.

[giggles] Yeah.

OK.

Yes, absolutely. Give me some more dick pics.

Just send them to me.

[giggles]

Yeah, it's huge. I like it.

OK. Talk to you later. Yeah.

[528 featuring Maline playing "Touched"]

♪ I wanna be touched by you ♪

♪ Wanna be loved by you ♪

♪ I wanna be held by you ♪

♪ Just you ♪

♪ I wanna be cheek to cheek ♪

♪ Longing for all your chic ♪

♪ I'd like to be kissed ♪

♪ And sleep ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ So tell me my mind ♪

♪ Isn't just playing games ♪

♪ And hold me a lifetime if you feel the... ♪