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Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org
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00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:16,400
Hello and welcome
to the sweat box...
3
00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:18,440
that is Cambodia.
4
00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:52,280
Now, there are many ways we could
get across this fascinating country.
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00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:55,320
We could use horses
or tuk-tuks or tractors.
6
00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:59,480
But Mr Wilman decided we
should meet at this very spot
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00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:01,320
with three boats.
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00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:05,040
And that hasn't gone down
very well with my colleagues.
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00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:06,680
- No.
- There we go.
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00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:09,360
Because I hate... I'm from
Birmingham, I've explained.
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00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:12,200
Which is as far as you can
get from the sea in the UK...
12
00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:13,558
- Full of canals!
- We don't do boats.
13
00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:15,560
People from Birmingham
are always saying,
14
00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:17,400
"It's the Venice
of the North,"
15
00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:20,080
like Venetians always say,
"We live in the Birmingham of the South."
16
00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:21,918
Canals are just for
moving coal around.
17
00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:23,520
I don't want
to do that either.
18
00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:26,800
I'm from Birmingham,
I don't ski and I don't do boats. End of.
19
00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:28,520
- I signed up for a car show.
- Yes.
20
00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:32,000
Not cookery, not restoring
frescoes and not boats.
21
00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:35,160
- I don't like boats. You can't trust a boat.
- That's exactly the right word.
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00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:38,600
You can't trust any vehicle that isn't necessarily
where it was when you last parked it.
23
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,080
Problem No.1. They can sink.
Cars can't do that.
24
00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:42,880
- What are the viewers gonna think?
- What?
25
00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:44,880
What if you turned on
Jamie Oliver,
26
00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:46,200
you thought, "I love that
cooking show...
27
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,600
Oh, he's doing some
watercolor painting."
28
00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:51,760
- We did it in lorries...
- Lorries are vehicles. They go on the road.
29
00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:54,680
- We've been on horses.
- Oh, that went well!
30
00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:58,600
Anyway, listen, let's not get
bogged down with your prejudices.
31
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:02,560
Because the challenge
is actually quite simple.
32
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:06,080
We are here, yes,
near Siem Reap in the north of Cambodia.
33
00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:09,400
And we've got to use all these
waterways, well, not all of them...
34
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:11,440
we've got to find a path
through them,
35
00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:15,040
to Vung Tau, which is at the
bottom of the Mekong Delta,
36
00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:17,080
in Vietnam.
37
00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:20,720
There is, however,
one small problem.
38
00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:29,800
As I've said, I'm no
expert on boats and boating.
39
00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:33,400
- But... there's no water.
- No, there isn't.
40
00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:36,560
Is that pontoon thing there, is that
where Mr Wilman thought we should meet?
41
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:39,240
- Yes, in a field.
- He's a half-wit, isn't he?
42
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:41,240
Anyway, the problem is...
43
00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:43,878
there isn't enough water
in there to drown a witch.
44
00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:45,160
No.
45
00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:46,800
So, why don't we get
some wheels
46
00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:48,158
and go and find some water
47
00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:49,320
and then we'll launch
our boats there?
48
00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:50,640
Right.
49
00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:53,280
Having found some wheels,
50
00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:54,880
we began our search.
51
00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:02,320
Oh, how the mighty
are fallen.
52
00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:05,880
We are in tune
with the times, though.
53
00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:07,920
Exactly right. Exactly right.
54
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:10,440
There is global warming,
there is climate change.
55
00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:12,760
And if you hosted
a car show now,
56
00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:14,920
I think you'd feel foolish.
57
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,960
Bloody car, you maniac!
58
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,000
What's up with you,
you lunatic?
59
00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:21,480
- You selfish maniac!
- Hit him! Hit the car!
60
00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:22,960
Mad man!
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00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:26,440
Several
exhausting miles later,
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00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:29,720
the river was still
depressingly empty.
63
00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:33,160
The problem we've got is
it's June
64
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:36,440
and it's supposed to be
raining here, really raining,
65
00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:39,760
pouring down constantly.
66
00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:41,800
And it isn't.
And it hasn't for months.
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00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:45,680
And when we reached
a fishing village,
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00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:49,280
the scale of the issue
became clear.
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00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:52,400
These houses, as you can see,
are on stilts
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00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,800
because that's where
the river should be.
71
00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:57,680
Just stop here. Look.
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00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,440
That's where
the water level is.
73
00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:03,480
That's incredibly
gone, isn't it?
74
00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:08,240
And it's not just
climate change that's to blame,
75
00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:10,520
because there's
another problem.
76
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:14,400
China.
They've dammed the river
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00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:15,880
that feeds all the water
systems round here.
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00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:17,920
How much sense
does that make, sitting here,
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00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:20,480
in your house on stilts
with no water around it,
80
00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:22,720
to learn that the Chinese
have nicked all your water?
81
00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:24,760
A funny world, isn't it?
82
00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:26,798
The really funny thing is,
83
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,480
China builds a coal-fired power
station every 20 minutes or something
84
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,160
and everyone shouts at them,
saying,
85
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:32,920
"Oh, you're killing
the planet."
86
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:35,238
When they build a clean,
green, hydro-electric dam,
87
00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:37,680
everyone shouts at them, saying, "Now,
look, you're killing the planet!"
88
00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:40,640
Well, it'd be nice if they could do it
without nicking somebody else's water.
89
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,360
Eventually, though,
we found a lake.
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00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:46,360
- Oh, look at that!
- Hello.
91
00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:53,200
But as we launched our boats and
headed for a nearby pontoon...
92
00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,720
...the rainy season
arrived...
93
00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:58,600
with a vengeance.
94
00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:07,720
God above!
95
00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:13,920
Erm... I don't know
how to park a boat.
96
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,560
I'm not gonna lie.
97
00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,600
Trying to park.
98
00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:21,720
Ooh! How do I stop it?
99
00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:24,238
Having another attempt.
100
00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:26,200
Wait a minute,
my engines are...
101
00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:27,640
Oh, no, that one.
102
00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:29,918
Yeah.
103
00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:31,600
I think that went well.
104
00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:33,160
Right.
105
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,200
Stop moving around!
106
00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:37,080
I've parked you!
107
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:41,240
Well, I was gonna leap
from my boat and say,
108
00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:43,800
"And fresh from
Miami Vice...
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00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:46,640
a boat."
110
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,840
It's pointy,
which means it's a fast boat.
111
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:50,640
Oh, I've got my leg caught.
112
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,680
At this point, Jeremy
emerged from the gloom.
113
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:58,040
And as he's the only qualified
boat driver on the team,
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00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:00,760
I was expecting
a smoother arrival.
115
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:02,480
Here we go.
116
00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:04,040
Parking a PBR.
117
00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:11,760
- Argh!
- No, no, no!
118
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:13,960
Oh, brilliant!
119
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:16,520
It's really windy!
I'm backing in.
120
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:19,960
Oh, no, that's...
121
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,000
Totally uncontrollable.
122
00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:24,360
This is better, this angle.
123
00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:29,200
Argh!
124
00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:32,000
- OK.
- Could you help and get that rope?
125
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,400
Can you pull me along?
126
00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:37,440
Please pull me along!
127
00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:41,680
This is no time
for cocking about!
128
00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:43,720
This is dangerous work
we're doing!
129
00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:48,560
I'm glad you got here cos
I think it looks like rain.
130
00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:53,120
me!
131
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:55,480
- Erm...
- What?
132
00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:57,680
Isn't that like the boat out
of Apocalypse Now?
133
00:06:57,720 --> 00:07:00,400
Exactly what it is, PBR -
Patrol Boat, River.
134
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:02,160
- Mark II.
- Yeah.
135
00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:05,040
Is that entirely tactful?
We're going to Vietnam.
136
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:08,360
- You can't drive that around!
- You can! Because...
137
00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:11,640
You probably don't know this,
but... Vietnam won.
138
00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:15,400
So driving that
through Vietnam
139
00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:18,320
is like walking through Old Trafford,
which is where Manchester United play,
140
00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:20,160
in a Charlton Athletic shirt.
141
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,200
It doesn't matter,
cos you're a loser.
142
00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:23,560
They don't mind.
143
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,400
You believe that?
144
00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:27,080
Is that...
Is that a Scarab?
145
00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:28,640
Yeah.
146
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:30,480
Hammond, you have
accidentally chosen
147
00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:32,280
- quite a good boat...
- Have I?
148
00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:35,440
...if you were on the
inter-coastal waterway in Miami.
149
00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:36,880
You see, that's cool.
150
00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:38,920
I've got two V8s in that.
151
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:42,400
- I've got two V8s in there.
- How many horsepower?
152
00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:47,080
850 in total, 425 per engine.
153
00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:49,120
- It's too much.
- What have you got?
154
00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:52,000
350 a side.
I've got 700 in total.
155
00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:54,480
- 850.
- Yeah, but that's better.
156
00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:55,880
It's not.
157
00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:57,400
What do you think
May will have?
158
00:07:57,440 --> 00:07:59,640
- Some.
- Probably, with a bit of luck.
159
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:03,240
Soon, his
late arrival was explained.
160
00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:05,880
He'd come from
the 18th century.
161
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:11,520
Look at that!
162
00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:13,360
That's the world's least
appropriate thing!
163
00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:15,400
What was he thinking of?
164
00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:17,240
How old is that thing?
165
00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,080
James? About 60.
166
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:21,280
You ready with this rope?
167
00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:23,840
Hang on,
it's going backwards.
168
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:25,880
Why's it doing that?
169
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,960
He is absolutely hopeless.
170
00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:32,960
He's got one knob
and one wheel.
171
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,920
Oh, here he comes.
172
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,960
He's trying a new technique
here.
173
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,878
He's broken his flagpole.
174
00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:43,720
- James?
- Yes?
175
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:47,480
That's the most inappropriate
thing I've ever seen.
176
00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:48,880
What do you mean?
177
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:52,360
Well, it's entirely not
designed for where we are.
178
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:53,840
It's a river boat.
179
00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:55,640
- We're on a lake.
- It's a pleasure craft.
180
00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:57,200
But we're gonna be on rivers.
181
00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:59,758
And it's only a gentle lake.
It's not stormy or anything.
182
00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,160
Really?
183
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,600
- Have you got a big V8?
- No, of course I haven't.
184
00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:05,880
- What is it?
- It's a four-cylinder diesel.
185
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:07,960
- Power?
- Yes?
186
00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,120
99 horsepower.
187
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:16,120
- When was your boat built?
- 1939.
188
00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:19,000
- Sorry... it's 80 years old?
- Yes.
189
00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:21,280
- It's 80?
- It's older than the Battle of Britain.
190
00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:22,760
So it's an antique.
191
00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:24,280
It is an antique, yes.
192
00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:26,480
- You're sailing in a sideboard.
- Pretty much.
193
00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:28,880
- How much was it?
- £16,000, inc...
194
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:31,000
What? You paid 16 for that?
195
00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:34,600
That's chea... That's a Ford Focus.
And it's got a new engine in it.
196
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:38,360
Is that vulgar-looking thing that
I don't even want to look at yours?
197
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:39,880
- Yeah.
- How much was that?
198
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:41,758
Er, 23.
199
00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:43,200
- Really?
- That's reasonable.
200
00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:44,840
That's how much boats cost.
201
00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:46,760
- £23,000?
- Yes.
202
00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:48,840
- How much was that?
- What, the PBR?
203
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,760
Mine, how much was it?
204
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,840
- It's, er...
- What?
205
00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:54,520
How much?
206
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:57,280
100,000.
207
00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:58,640
- $100,000?
- 100,000 what?
208
00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:00,720
- No, pounds.
- £100,000?
209
00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:03,840
- Yes, it was.
- You spent 100 grand on that?
210
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:05,280
Mm-hm.
211
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:06,880
But it's...
212
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,638
Is that because of
its provenance?
213
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:10,200
No, I had to build it.
214
00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:11,758
- What, it's not real?
- No.
215
00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:13,720
Hold on, hold on.
216
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,280
It's incredibly complicated.
217
00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:17,960
They had to find the original
designs of the original hull,
218
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:21,040
work out where the engines
went, why it's mid-engined...
219
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:24,320
It was an immensely complicated
thing to do and I've done it.
220
00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:27,480
And I bought a little bit of
history, at great expense,
221
00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:29,120
back to Southeast Asia.
222
00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:31,520
It's a fake, though.
That's essentially a kit car.
223
00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:34,518
Is it based on the chassis of
a Beetle or a Triumph Herald?
224
00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:36,960
- It's a purpose-made chassis.
- A two-litre Pinto engine. - Yes, exactly.
225
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,000
It's a purpose-made chassis.
226
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:40,600
And a brand-new engine.
227
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,520
100 grand on a...
228
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,000
What we've got here...
Can we do some car stuff?
229
00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:46,840
What we've got is a Corvette,
definitely.
230
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,600
That is a Corvette.
Nothing wrong with them.
231
00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:49,960
Big engine,
inexpensive.
232
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:51,440
Yes,
plastic and inexpensive.
233
00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:55,160
A Mercedes G Wagon,
which it is... and a Rover 90.
234
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,360
Yeah,
I'll actually go with that.
235
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,518
I've just thought
of something.
236
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:01,280
I haven't christened my boat.
237
00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:06,360
So I quickly organised
an official ceremony.
238
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:09,800
May God bless this ship
and all who sail in her.
239
00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:16,280
That's what it's like
when the Queen does it.
240
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:19,920
I've now got a bottle of wine
on my boat,
241
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:21,480
which is called Du Ma,
by the way.
242
00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:23,640
- Is it?
- Yeah, means "boat machine".
243
00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:29,000
With the christening
ceremony complete
244
00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:30,920
and the rainy season over,
245
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:35,560
it was time to begin
our epic 500-mile voyage.
246
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,120
- Thank you.
- Oh, sorry.
247
00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:40,040
We are underway.
248
00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:43,080
The Du Ma is mobile.
249
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:46,120
I've just noticed Hammond's
boat's called Razzle Dazzle.
250
00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:49,400
That's sophisticated,
isn't it?
251
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:53,640
The first leg
of our aquatic road trip
252
00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:56,760
involved a sprint
across the Tonlé Sap Lake.
253
00:11:56,800 --> 00:12:01,680
And I'd been looking forward to
unleashing some speed and power.
254
00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:04,840
Sadly, though,
that wasn't possible.
255
00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:07,280
OK, the problem is -
and it is a big one -
256
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:09,320
despite
that massive rainstorm,
257
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:12,240
this lake is 80 miles across.
258
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:16,160
And at this time of year,
it should be five times more than that.
259
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,680
This is not the best camerawork
you've ever seen and I apologise.
260
00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:20,720
But I think it makes
the point.
261
00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:22,120
This road here,
262
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:24,840
this is the road
that goes round the lake.
263
00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:28,000
But the lake at the moment
is only that big.
264
00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:30,040
It just isn't big enough.
265
00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:31,880
Which means
it isn't deep enough.
266
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:36,640
And don't worry,
the irony is not lost on me.
267
00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:39,840
The man who hosted a car
programme for 30 years,
268
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:42,880
limited to seven miles
an hour by global warming.
269
00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:48,160
Is your boat...
How can I put this?
270
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,200
...having a dump?
271
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,240
Is that mud?
272
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:54,600
Yes, that's mud.
You're grounding out.
273
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:57,840
I'm basically using
a boat in a field.
274
00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:02,880
This did not happen
in Miami Vice.
275
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,680
Shallowness
wasn't the only problem.
276
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:12,120
We also had to deal with an underwater
labyrinth of hidden fishing nets.
277
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:19,680
It doesn't feel good.
278
00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:23,640
Doesn't sound good.
279
00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:26,200
Turning round.
280
00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,320
Oh, he's done...
What's he done, 100 yards?
281
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:33,600
- What the hell have you done?
- I don't know.
282
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:35,160
Oh, you just...
283
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:36,680
Hammond?
284
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:39,080
What? Everybody stop
crashing into me!
285
00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:40,480
Are you stuck?
286
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:42,560
No, I just thought
I'd stop here!
287
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:44,200
I've caught a net.
288
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,200
Why don't you just
go and cut it off?
289
00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:48,000
Why isn't this
happening to you?
290
00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:50,440
- What?
- Why aren't you catching your props in nets?
291
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:52,680
I haven't got
any props. It's a PBR!
292
00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:54,720
It's a jet boat.
I've got two jets.
293
00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:56,360
Really?
294
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:57,920
Right.
295
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:02,120
Leaving Hammond
to clear his props...
296
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:07,760
There! That is the problem.
297
00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:12,680
...I sailed onwards
with Rear Admiral Slow.
298
00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,240
James May's boat
is the sort of thing
299
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:20,400
I can imagine they gave to
Prince Charles when he was a boy
300
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,440
to play with in the bath.
301
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:28,280
My boat, on the other hand,
was designed for fighting.
302
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:31,720
See, when the American military
realised in the mid-'60s
303
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,880
that they needed
some kind of fast patrol boat
304
00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:36,200
for the shallow rivers
of Southeast Asia,
305
00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:38,040
they went to Hatteras,
306
00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:41,240
which was a very respectable
boat builder in America and said,
307
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,280
"You know that pleasure craft
you make,
308
00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:46,480
the 31-footer, plastic hull,
Mum and Dad boat?
309
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,840
Could you convert that, move
the engines further forward,
310
00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:55,880
fit it with jets
instead of propellers,
311
00:14:55,920 --> 00:15:00,320
give it a range of 250 miles and
a cruising speed of 25 knots?"
312
00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:02,360
Massive job, really massive.
313
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:07,120
And Hatteras had it ready
in six days!
314
00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:09,160
Six days!
315
00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:12,800
What they created was epic.
316
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:16,280
But even so, I had to have
this made because today,
317
00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:20,320
there are no working
PBRs left.
318
00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:21,840
And I find
that extraordinary.
319
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,280
They've saved all the other
memorabilia from the Vietnam War -
320
00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:28,040
Hueys and guns and
fighter planes and so on,
321
00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:30,880
but nobody thought to say,
"Let's save a PBR."
322
00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:36,880
It's a brilliant bit of
design, it really genuinely is.
323
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:42,520
Original PBRs had two
Detroit diesel engines,
324
00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:44,560
no electrics,
better with water.
325
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:47,080
And jets made by...
326
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:48,720
Jacuzzi.
327
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:52,320
I kid you not,
they were Jacuzzi jets.
328
00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:58,720
Yes, the jets make it very
difficult to steer at slow speed.
329
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:03,560
But apart from that, I was able to
cross Cambodia's giant paddling pool
330
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:05,600
without any issues.
331
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,600
Oh, that's not good.
332
00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:12,640
Things, however,
were rather different for my colleagues.
333
00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:16,280
James had snagged
a net too.
334
00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:18,280
Yeah!
335
00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:20,320
Take that, you bastard.
336
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:27,520
And as Aquaman struggled
to get back on board...
337
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:30,840
Bollocks!
338
00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:34,680
...the cooling system on Hammond's
pointy Scarab filled with mud.
339
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,400
This is a lot worse than...
340
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:40,440
nets round the props.
341
00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:44,880
And just after
James had dried off...
342
00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:49,360
he was back under
his boat again,
343
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:52,480
because his intakes had
also filled up with sludge.
344
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:58,800
This meant I had to go back
and become a tow truck.
345
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:03,040
Ready for the dead stop?
You'll like this.
346
00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:05,280
Shit.
347
00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:06,800
Sorry.
348
00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:08,160
Clarkson!
349
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,080
Right, I've got you.
350
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:13,640
James insisted on taking charge
of tying the boats together.
351
00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:17,000
Which meant I was free
to film some scenery.
352
00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:26,558
But eventually
we were tethered,
353
00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,560
and set off in search
of Hammond.
354
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,080
- There he is!
- Yep.
355
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,160
Hammond ahoy!
356
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:36,640
I hate boats!
357
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:39,920
Turning on the horn.
358
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:43,000
International
Crap Rescue is coming.
359
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:47,240
I wonder how many low-grade
pornographical movies
360
00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:50,400
have been made
on Hammond's boat.
361
00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:52,280
Hey,
you wanna come out rootin' and tootin'?
362
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:56,880
Hammond, how much semen
have you found on that boat?
363
00:17:56,920 --> 00:18:01,200
Please, I've tried to block the
thought from my mind. Every...
364
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:04,318
Honestly, going below is like
climbing into a teenager's sock.
365
00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:11,800
With both broken boats
hitched up to Thunderbird 2,
366
00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:16,760
we trundled on, until eventually
we were swamped by the night.
367
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:23,920
Have you got, like,
a military searchlight on your boat?
368
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,960
Yes, I have.
369
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:28,040
Oh-hoo-hoo!
370
00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:29,480
Hello!
371
00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:36,680
Many hours later,
having covered only ten miles,
372
00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:38,720
we were feeling
a bit unhappy.
373
00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:41,400
But then...
374
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:43,720
James, are they lights?
375
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:46,200
Oh, yeah.
376
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:49,520
I think that
is the town of Pursat.
377
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:51,960
It's not completely
the bottom of the lake,
378
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,480
but we should be able
to find a hotel there.
379
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:57,880
Having parked up...
380
00:18:57,920 --> 00:18:59,480
Shit!
381
00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:02,320
...we checked into
the town's only guesthouse
382
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:06,760
and then, absolutely
famished, sat down for dinner.
383
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:10,200
Sadly, though, there wasn't
much on the menu for Hammond.
384
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:12,960
So this is...
Well, these are dragonflies.
385
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,960
Don't eat dragonflies.
386
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,000
- You've never tried one?
- Nobody eats dragonflies.
387
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:19,680
This is... crickets.
388
00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:21,720
These are water beetles.
389
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:24,160
- I don't eat water beetles.
- They're tarantulas.
390
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,200
I especially don't eat
tarantulas.
391
00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:28,520
Or big spiders, anyway.
392
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:31,480
The thing is...
during the time of Pol Pot,
393
00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:35,078
they were starving
and they had to.
394
00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:37,160
And they actually discovered
that they're lovely.
395
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,280
Do you know
what Pol Pot means?
396
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:41,440
- Everyone thinks it's his name.
- Bad menu?
397
00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:44,000
It stands for
Political Potential.
398
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:46,080
Same as Jeremy Corbyn.
Same policies.
399
00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:48,640
You're eating a taran...
400
00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:50,680
No, it's a dragonfly.
401
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:52,800
- What do they taste like?
- Dragonflies.
402
00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:57,798
- Oh!
- I knew you'd have a problem.
403
00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:00,720
So I got you some
hard-boiled eggs, Hammond.
404
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:02,000
Is this a...
405
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:03,920
This is a cricket, look.
406
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,760
Can you see that?
407
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:08,680
Do you eat it or do you
disembowel it and then eat the flesh?
408
00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:10,200
Oh, my God!
409
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:12,240
It's got a bird in it!
410
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,280
What?
411
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,760
That may be beyond my line...
412
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:18,798
I'm just looking
at it, thinking, "Really?"
413
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,558
That is pretty revolting.
414
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:24,080
It is, I know, but if you've
got a socialist running,
415
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:26,558
you know, like Britain
when we've got Corbyn...
416
00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:29,320
this is what
we're going to be eating.
417
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:33,558
After our feast,
it was time for bed.
418
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:36,798
And we were shown to
the best rooms in the house.
419
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:46,760
Hang on, is that... That
generator goes all the time?
420
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:50,078
The noise - da, da, da, da...
421
00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:52,080
Can you make it, like, off?
No?
422
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:55,680
Off? Da, da, da, da...
423
00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:57,798
No?
424
00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,200
OK.
425
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:02,080
It's impossible to think
how this could be worse.
426
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,080
And there it is.
427
00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:24,280
This...
428
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:29,240
What's this? Why...
Why?
429
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:31,078
Why are they...
430
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,440
What's that,
in a grown man's bedroom?
431
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:50,040
Dawn was magnificent.
432
00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:52,680
And there was no need to wake
the cameramen to film it.
433
00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:58,480
Because they, like us,
hadn't had a wink of sleep.
434
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:14,000
That. That... 4:26.
435
00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:15,680
- Yeah.
- 4:26.
436
00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:17,720
At midnight...
437
00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:20,640
2am, music stops.
438
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:22,840
- And the dog-barking competition starts.
- Yeah.
439
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:25,240
- Till 4:26, cockerel starts.
- Yeah.
440
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:27,600
Till five.
Fishing boats go out.
441
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:31,600
Why don't they invent
the silencer?
442
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:33,800
They haven't got silencers
for those or generators.
443
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:36,800
It simply hasn't reached this
bit of the world for some reason.
444
00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:38,440
Why do we do this?
445
00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:40,480
This is a boating holiday.
446
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:43,280
- Yeah. Brilliant.
- Life afloat. The glamour.
447
00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:46,120
To cheer
ourselves up,
448
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:48,200
we decided to shop
for provisions.
449
00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:50,640
And we were in
for a bit of a surprise,
450
00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:54,400
because this town was
the Venice of the East.
451
00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:05,280
There were floating houses
with satellite TV,
452
00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:08,280
floating workshops,
453
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:11,840
floating supermarkets,
454
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:14,880
a hospital
455
00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:16,920
and even a church.
456
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:20,800
Look at this!
It's a high street.
457
00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:23,920
So they've moved
the town to where...
458
00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:26,080
Well, wherever the lake is,
the town is always at the edge of it.
459
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:27,440
Well, it moves itself.
460
00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:29,160
So what do we need?
461
00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:32,120
We need earplugs,
we need sleeping pills,
462
00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:34,800
something to wash the sleeping pills
down, I'm thinking strong beer...
463
00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:36,000
Yeah.
464
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,080
Maybe so strong
it's called whisky.
465
00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:39,720
Yeah, that beer.
If nobody minds,
466
00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:41,960
I'd like to buy
some cleaning products.
467
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:44,280
Oh, because of the pornography
that's gone on on your boat?
468
00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:48,680
Eugh! What's gone on down
there does not bear thinking about.
469
00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:52,280
Unfortunately,
trying to navigate
470
00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:54,360
through the busy streets
471
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:57,720
exposed the PBR's
Achilles heel:
472
00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:01,760
its mind-of-its-own steering
at slow speeds.
473
00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:04,200
Oh, God!
474
00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:06,240
Look at it. Full left lock.
475
00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:08,360
Just concentrate on...
476
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:10,600
Don't do that!
477
00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:12,640
This one is now going...
This one's back.
478
00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:15,520
And that one's forwards.
479
00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,880
- No, that hasn't worked.
- Backwards, backwards.
480
00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:21,040
Anything you want to buy from this shop?
Cos we're arriving at it.
481
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:22,840
Oh, oh!
482
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:28,320
Having finally crashed
into the correct shop...
483
00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:30,880
we set about loading up
with supplies.
484
00:24:32,120 --> 00:24:34,400
- Got mops.
- That says beer.
485
00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:36,440
Do you have, erm...
486
00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:38,480
tablet for...
487
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,440
Yeah, but for...
488
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:42,880
for sleeping...
..elephant.
489
00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:44,800
So, big.
490
00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:46,640
But not for...
Well, it could kill him.
491
00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:48,360
- That's what I mean.
- Oh, right, OK.
492
00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:50,840
With the shopping done,
493
00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:54,040
we resumed our journey
494
00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:56,360
across the shallow,
net-infested lake.
495
00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:02,600
I am under my own power
for now.
496
00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:05,000
Ts and Ps looking good.
497
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:07,200
Hammond too
had mended his engines.
498
00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,360
But he daren't fire them up
499
00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:11,760
for fear of destroying them
in the mud.
500
00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:14,200
So he was still being towed.
501
00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:18,840
I found a very kind and
generous local fisherman
502
00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:20,880
to pull me along
behind his little boat,
503
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:22,640
that doesn't have
a silencer on it.
504
00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:26,480
That boat wasn't
powerful enough,
505
00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:27,920
so he found a mate
and then another mate,
506
00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:30,280
and they've tied
all their boats together.
507
00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:32,520
None of their engines
have silencers.
508
00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:39,800
And we are now travelling at a speed
too slow to register on any device.
509
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:46,920
Bo-o-o-ored!
510
00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:50,440
Unlike my colleagues,
511
00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:53,560
I wasn't struggling with a
Dickensian propulsion system.
512
00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:00,160
Thank you.
513
00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:02,840
But even so,
I had run into a problem.
514
00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:05,680
Right, this is
the end of the lake.
515
00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:07,200
I've made it.
516
00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:09,240
And there's the river,
I think, over there.
517
00:26:09,280 --> 00:26:11,680
However, between me and it...
518
00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:14,200
there is a small obstacle.
519
00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:24,160
The mouth of the river was absolutely
jammed with densely packed weed.
520
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:35,840
So, to get through it,
I decided to ditch Slow and Careful,
521
00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:39,240
and call on my old friends
Speed and Power.
522
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:41,960
Come on!
523
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:43,240
Rise!
524
00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:46,320
Ye-e-e-eees!
525
00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:48,360
No! No! No!
It's all gone wrong!
526
00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:53,360
Yeah, we're stuck.
527
00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:55,840
I think I filled my intakes
up with leaves.
528
00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:57,320
Aarg!
529
00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:01,960
Meanwhile,
back on the lake...
530
00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:06,200
...my life was
getting even worse.
531
00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:09,680
Right, situation update.
I've run aground.
532
00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:12,360
I can't even turn my boat
into wind cos it's stuck.
533
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,640
And there's a storm coming.
534
00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:18,840
And it wasn't like
my camera boat could help
535
00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:21,200
because that
was beached as well.
536
00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:24,720
Oh, look at those poor sods.
537
00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:27,680
And then,
to rub salt in the wounds...
538
00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:34,480
Are you stuck?
I thought you were waiting for me.
539
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:37,440
No, I'm stuck. But my boat's
not powerful enough to tow...
540
00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:40,960
Nothing I can do. I thought you were waiting
for me. I didn't know you were stuck.
541
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:43,000
I'm really sorry.
542
00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:55,280
Oh, hell.
543
00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:57,320
Oh, God.
544
00:28:01,360 --> 00:28:03,760
Back in the lettuce
field, I'd enlisted the help
545
00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:07,640
of the few remaining locals not
being employed by James and Richard.
546
00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:13,960
It is actually moving.
547
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:16,000
Yes! Yes!
548
00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:17,840
Yes!
549
00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:21,800
The mighty PBR has been
freed by the local chaps.
550
00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:27,120
Soon, I was also being towed.
551
00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:31,240
So I had time to reflect on the
awfulness of our boating holiday.
552
00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:33,760
I mean, it's farcical.
553
00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:36,280
We've got half of
Cambodia in the water
554
00:28:36,320 --> 00:28:39,440
freeing us from
fishing nets and ropes,
555
00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:42,520
and trying to pull out the camera
crew boats. They're all stuck.
556
00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:44,400
It's rubbish!
557
00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:46,320
Are you stuck?
558
00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:47,720
Yeah?
559
00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:49,760
Is he stuck?
560
00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:51,200
Right.
561
00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:53,240
They're all stuck.
562
00:28:55,480 --> 00:28:58,360
Eventually, though, Hammond
and I found deeper water,
563
00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:01,360
and were able to proceed
under own own steam.
564
00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:08,880
I have two engines!
565
00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:13,600
It's Clarkson.
566
00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:16,360
Calling Commander Clarkson.
567
00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:19,080
Right, chaps? Er... welcome,
568
00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:20,720
first of all.
Nice to have you here.
569
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:22,560
No time for
pleasantries, though.
570
00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:26,320
The problem we have is that is a
very significant chunk of weeds,
571
00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:31,640
and this can do everything
except go through them.
572
00:29:31,680 --> 00:29:34,960
The issue was that my giant
V8s would suck the leaves
573
00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:37,000
into the jets
and clog them up.
574
00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:43,240
So Hammond and May decided to
slice a path through the veg patch
575
00:29:43,280 --> 00:29:45,280
using their old-fashioned
props.
576
00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:48,240
Here we go into the reeds.
577
00:29:50,880 --> 00:29:52,520
Hand on throttle.
578
00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:57,960
I was then
towed through by a local.
579
00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:01,200
Here I am going
through the salad,
580
00:30:01,240 --> 00:30:05,640
pre-minced by Hammond and May with
their 19th-century propellers.
581
00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:09,280
Ooh,
it's not liking this at all.
582
00:30:09,320 --> 00:30:11,960
Watching my temperatures.
They're climbing already.
583
00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:20,280
Bit snaggy.
584
00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:22,320
Oh, come on.
585
00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:24,760
Come on, boat.
586
00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:29,360
Nevertheless, our salad
mincers kept chopping away.
587
00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:31,360
Hammond,
it opens up down there.
588
00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:33,080
Can you see?
About 200 yards.
589
00:30:33,120 --> 00:30:35,320
Yes, clear water.
Oh, yes.
590
00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:39,600
Yes!
591
00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:41,040
I'm weed free!
592
00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:44,560
What a victory
for the antique, eh?
593
00:30:46,520 --> 00:30:48,600
We then sailed down
a narrow channel
594
00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:50,400
created by the fishermen.
595
00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:54,680
Do you know what's the most
amazing thing about these reeds,
596
00:30:54,720 --> 00:30:56,640
apart from that they look
like giant flat-leaf parsley?
597
00:30:56,680 --> 00:31:00,240
It's that, according to a local,
if I understood him correctly,
598
00:31:00,280 --> 00:31:02,440
they weren't even here
ten days ago.
599
00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:05,280
And now there are
miles of them.
600
00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:07,160
Ten days!
601
00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:09,360
Imagine if you could grow
vegetables that quickly.
602
00:31:12,520 --> 00:31:15,640
Joyfully, though, the
river eventually opened up.
603
00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:19,280
And, finally, after
two days of frustration,
604
00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:22,240
all of us
were able to open the taps.
605
00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:29,760
For me especially,
this was great
606
00:31:29,800 --> 00:31:33,080
because it meant
I finally had some steering.
607
00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:36,800
Oh, yes! Look at this!
The speed!
608
00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:40,000
The speed!
609
00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:45,240
Oh-ho-ho!
610
00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:47,280
Oh, my word!
611
00:31:53,600 --> 00:31:55,000
Come on, boat machine!
612
00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:56,440
Du Ma!
613
00:31:58,840 --> 00:32:01,480
Mind you, when I say all of
us had opened the taps...
614
00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:07,320
Fuel and temperature's good.
615
00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:09,800
Oil pressure is excellent.
616
00:32:10,800 --> 00:32:12,800
I believe I am boating.
617
00:32:14,920 --> 00:32:17,120
We were now
on the Tonlé Sap,
618
00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:19,560
the only river in the world
where the flow
619
00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:22,080
changes direction
according to the season.
620
00:32:22,120 --> 00:32:23,800
And straightaway,
621
00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:26,960
Hammond and I had
important work to do.
622
00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:28,960
Do you wanna see who's
got the quicker boat?
623
00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:31,120
Oh, this is so inevitable!
624
00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:34,560
Right, what we're gonna
have now is a drag race.
625
00:32:34,600 --> 00:32:39,440
And that's when he will see the
vast superiority of the jet,
626
00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:42,600
the instant torque and
acceleration of jet power.
627
00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:46,840
With a far-off bridge
chosen as the finish point,
628
00:32:46,880 --> 00:32:48,880
we lined up for a run.
629
00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:52,840
Three... two... one...
Go.
630
00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:02,800
Oh, no!
631
00:33:02,840 --> 00:33:05,480
There you go, there's the
difference. Trimming my jets.
632
00:33:08,440 --> 00:33:10,440
And that's goodbye,
Mr Hammond.
633
00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:13,360
I'm up on the plane now.
634
00:33:15,720 --> 00:33:16,760
Ha-ha!
635
00:33:18,120 --> 00:33:20,120
Oh, no, he... Look at him.
636
00:33:20,160 --> 00:33:22,360
And here he's coming back
at me.
637
00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:24,880
Come on! Come on!
Come on! Come on!
638
00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:28,120
No! Come on, boat machine,
you can do this!
639
00:33:31,360 --> 00:33:34,320
No! No! I won't have this!
640
00:33:34,360 --> 00:33:37,000
I'm gonna do it!
Come on!
641
00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:38,840
Here's the finish line!
642
00:33:38,880 --> 00:33:40,440
Yea-aaah!
643
00:33:40,480 --> 00:33:43,160
No! No!
644
00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:46,960
Ghastly little Brummie
in his HMS Pornography.
645
00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:51,080
Having lost
the ridiculous drag race,
646
00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:54,400
I proposed
a high-speed brake test.
647
00:33:54,440 --> 00:33:57,560
Ready? We're in full
forward thrust with my jets.
648
00:33:59,400 --> 00:34:03,400
And I'm about to go
into full reverse thrust.
649
00:34:03,440 --> 00:34:05,320
Instantly.
Just lowers some buckets down
650
00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:07,640
and the water shoots forwards
instead of back.
651
00:34:07,680 --> 00:34:11,880
What Hammond didn't know is
that this is a PBR party piece.
652
00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:15,000
Three... two... one...
Go.
653
00:34:27,920 --> 00:34:29,920
Jesus Christ!
654
00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:36,638
No, I-I will give you that!
You won that!
655
00:34:36,640 --> 00:34:39,638
That was quite a soaking.
656
00:34:39,640 --> 00:34:42,560
Famously, these PBRs can stop
from top speed to a dead stop
657
00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:44,600
in their own length, 31 feet.
658
00:34:44,640 --> 00:34:48,360
There's water still dribbling down
that camera, look, from that wave!
659
00:34:49,920 --> 00:34:53,120
I think I just proved...
that story's true.
660
00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:56,640
Meanwhile,
several miles back,
661
00:34:56,680 --> 00:35:00,160
I'd pinned my engine to try and
catch up with the other two.
662
00:35:11,520 --> 00:35:13,158
Oh, cock!
663
00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:15,160
My cushion's in the water.
664
00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:29,480
Bollocks!
665
00:35:32,760 --> 00:35:35,600
So, if I go full-right
steering...
666
00:35:37,680 --> 00:35:38,960
Stop.
667
00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:41,000
What the bloody hell is...?
668
00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:47,520
Hammond, you've gotta try a bit
of wave jumping, it's hilarious.
669
00:35:52,320 --> 00:35:54,920
Oh, I like that game!
670
00:35:57,680 --> 00:35:59,638
There's Richard Hammond
playing in the waves.
671
00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:01,400
What could possibly go wrong?
672
00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:05,480
Unlikely to be a fire
for once.
673
00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:12,440
Damn it, I'm enjoying it!
Must not enjoy boating.
674
00:36:13,600 --> 00:36:14,960
Ya-ha-ha-hay!
675
00:36:25,040 --> 00:36:28,480
While May
entertained the locals,
676
00:36:28,520 --> 00:36:31,960
Hammond and I were nearing
Cambodia's capital city.
677
00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:36,680
Yes! Phnom Penh.
678
00:36:37,760 --> 00:36:39,760
There's Phnom Penh
dead ahead.
679
00:36:48,400 --> 00:36:50,400
I am in slight wonderment.
680
00:36:50,440 --> 00:36:53,158
Nobody told me
when I failed my A Levels
681
00:36:53,160 --> 00:36:55,600
that one day
I'd be driving a PBR
682
00:36:55,640 --> 00:36:59,158
down the Tonlé Sap River
into Phnom Penh.
683
00:36:59,160 --> 00:37:01,920
Mainly because back
then Cambodia was...
684
00:37:04,120 --> 00:37:06,440
...entirely impossible
to get into
685
00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:10,158
because it was run by the biggest
lunatic the world's ever seen,
686
00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:12,040
Pol Pot.
687
00:37:13,800 --> 00:37:17,800
The man killed 25 per cent
of the Cambodian population.
688
00:37:17,840 --> 00:37:19,840
25 per cent.
689
00:37:19,880 --> 00:37:23,880
He just said that anybody who
could speak a foreign language,
690
00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:27,638
or who had soft hands,
or wore glasses...
691
00:37:27,640 --> 00:37:31,638
Anyone remotely intelligent
had to be killed.
692
00:37:31,640 --> 00:37:33,840
If you haven't seen the movie
The Killing Fields,
693
00:37:33,880 --> 00:37:36,640
please watch it, please.
694
00:37:38,760 --> 00:37:41,160
You'll get an idea from that
of the horror.
695
00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:47,840
Having parked up, we decided
to wait for James at the FCC.
696
00:37:49,680 --> 00:37:52,040
I reckon this is
one of the coolest bars
697
00:37:52,080 --> 00:37:54,440
anywhere in the world.
698
00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:58,040
Back in the day when Cambodia
was, let's say, a troubled nation,
699
00:37:58,080 --> 00:38:01,200
this is where all the foreign correspondents
for all of the world's media outlets
700
00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:02,840
used to meet for a drink,
701
00:38:02,880 --> 00:38:05,000
hence FCC, Foreign
Correspondents' Club.
702
00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:07,200
It's when there was
some romance in journalism.
703
00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:08,960
Oh, and expense accounts.
704
00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:11,200
And drinking.
They drank a lot.
705
00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:13,640
- You can feel it in the room.
- You can.
706
00:38:13,680 --> 00:38:16,400
You can sense
ruined cirrhosis.
707
00:38:16,440 --> 00:38:18,680
Some intelligent,
hammered minds.
708
00:38:18,760 --> 00:38:21,880
They used to come in here
with guns they'd found,
709
00:38:21,920 --> 00:38:24,158
get absolutely slaughtered,
710
00:38:24,160 --> 00:38:27,040
and then just shoot
guns from the balconies.
711
00:38:27,080 --> 00:38:31,160
You could do clay beer-bottle
shoots but with AKs!
712
00:38:31,200 --> 00:38:33,200
"I've drunk 17 beers."
713
00:38:33,280 --> 00:38:35,840
"And we're going to have
a considerable fight."
714
00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:38,760
"And then I'm going to write
my copy with a broken nose."
715
00:38:41,160 --> 00:38:45,000
After we'd raised a glass
or ten to the ghosts of the past,
716
00:38:45,040 --> 00:38:47,040
James finally arrived.
717
00:38:47,080 --> 00:38:49,520
And we decided
to buy some things
718
00:38:49,560 --> 00:38:52,320
to make our lives on board
more comfortable.
719
00:39:03,360 --> 00:39:04,600
Oooh, missed 'em.
720
00:39:08,160 --> 00:39:10,600
Why don't we go to the market
first of all?
721
00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:12,400
A real local market
for local people?
722
00:39:12,440 --> 00:39:13,920
- Yes.
- Yeah, let's go there.
723
00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:19,158
- Come on!
- Yeah!
724
00:39:19,160 --> 00:39:21,000
That's using internal
combustion.
725
00:39:21,040 --> 00:39:23,040
What about global warming?
726
00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:27,920
Eventually, we found
the local market.
727
00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:31,920
And immediately we were distracted
by all the pretty watches.
728
00:39:33,760 --> 00:39:35,080
That's a Breitling.
729
00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:40,640
I thought Breitling would take better
care of their display than this.
730
00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:44,520
Look at the Hublot.
That's a tasteful watch.
731
00:39:46,600 --> 00:39:49,920
And so light
for such exquisite quality.
732
00:39:49,960 --> 00:39:51,960
And all these diamonds.
733
00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:54,158
- Omega.
- Omega?
734
00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:56,000
See, that is my Omega.
735
00:39:56,040 --> 00:40:00,280
And this one is orange but in
every other way, identical.
736
00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:02,520
Jezza?
737
00:40:02,560 --> 00:40:04,000
They haven't realised it,
738
00:40:04,040 --> 00:40:05,520
but there's
a gold Rolex there
739
00:40:05,560 --> 00:40:07,640
and there's a Planet Ocean
Omega there.
740
00:40:07,680 --> 00:40:09,680
I just asked how much
a Seamaster is.
741
00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:12,360
These are about £3,000
in the UK, yes?
742
00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:14,400
- Yes.
- Guess how much they are here.
743
00:40:14,440 --> 00:40:15,880
I don't know, 2,000.
744
00:40:16,880 --> 00:40:19,400
- £50.
- £50?
745
00:40:19,440 --> 00:40:23,360
I mean, I know their overheads are
low, but that's extraordinary.
746
00:40:23,400 --> 00:40:27,040
- That must mean the mark-up on those watches is enormous.
- Exactly.
747
00:40:28,520 --> 00:40:30,400
Oh, hello. Hello!
748
00:40:30,440 --> 00:40:32,560
Is that a real Jaguar belt?
749
00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:35,680
I've got a Ja-a-ag.
750
00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:37,200
How much is this?
751
00:40:37,280 --> 00:40:38,920
22 Dollars.
752
00:40:38,960 --> 00:40:41,320
25. And here,
because you're a nice chap...
753
00:40:41,360 --> 00:40:44,160
- Yeah?
- Erm... keep it. Thank you.
754
00:40:44,200 --> 00:40:46,760
Nothing on God's green earth
annoys me more
755
00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:50,440
than European people
haggling in places like this.
756
00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:52,760
Cos they're haggling
over a dollar...
757
00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:55,440
It doesn't matter to you,
it doesn't matter,
758
00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:57,280
and it matters a lot
to them.
759
00:40:57,320 --> 00:40:58,880
Just pay the price.
760
00:40:58,920 --> 00:41:00,920
- How much?
- 75.
761
00:41:00,960 --> 00:41:04,440
Ow! I was thinking 25.
762
00:41:04,480 --> 00:41:06,680
Having stocked up
on luxury goods,
763
00:41:06,760 --> 00:41:09,560
we went in search of
some more practical items.
764
00:41:09,600 --> 00:41:11,560
Oh, hello!
Cooking, cooking.
765
00:41:11,600 --> 00:41:13,280
Yes.
766
00:41:13,320 --> 00:41:15,040
Something for
getting rid of flies.
767
00:41:15,080 --> 00:41:16,160
Here.
768
00:41:16,200 --> 00:41:18,158
Flies, zz.
769
00:41:18,160 --> 00:41:20,400
- Taser.
- Taser?
770
00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:22,120
Oh, gee.
771
00:41:27,480 --> 00:41:29,640
Thank you. You're a life saver.
It's very hot.
772
00:41:46,560 --> 00:41:48,920
What's that woman
with the gold outfit?
773
00:41:48,960 --> 00:41:50,960
That looks Hindu.
774
00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:53,000
- Is it very old?
- Yes.
775
00:41:54,000 --> 00:41:55,800
It is? Oh.
776
00:41:55,840 --> 00:41:57,840
- Are these old as well?
- Yes.
777
00:42:13,440 --> 00:42:15,360
Can I have another one
for the other armpit?
778
00:42:17,520 --> 00:42:21,040
Having bought all we needed to make
a night afloat more comfortable,
779
00:42:21,080 --> 00:42:24,480
we immediately checked
into a five-star hotel...
780
00:42:25,920 --> 00:42:27,280
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
781
00:42:27,320 --> 00:42:29,320
Oh, of course,
that's very kind. Thank you.
782
00:42:29,360 --> 00:42:31,800
...and then went
to the rooftop bar.
783
00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:36,360
So, that is the government
building down there.
784
00:42:36,400 --> 00:42:39,120
Which I...
Look at the lighting on that.
785
00:42:39,160 --> 00:42:41,040
It's one of the cleverest...
Cos it looks like curtains.
786
00:42:41,080 --> 00:42:44,040
It looks like theatre
curtains closing or opening.
787
00:42:44,080 --> 00:42:46,080
Is that where the Prime
Minister hangs out?
788
00:42:46,120 --> 00:42:49,040
- No, no, don't, don't, don't.
- He's not there?
789
00:42:49,080 --> 00:42:50,800
No, don't call him
Prime Minister.
790
00:42:50,840 --> 00:42:52,200
Well, what is he, then?
791
00:42:52,280 --> 00:42:54,040
Well, weirdly, I was reading
the Financial Times.
792
00:42:54,080 --> 00:42:56,000
And I've saved it.
Hang on.
793
00:42:56,040 --> 00:42:59,638
Mr Hun Sen,
a ruler of 31 years,
794
00:42:59,640 --> 00:43:02,640
who insists on
being referred to as:
795
00:43:02,680 --> 00:43:06,560
"Lord Prime Minister and
Supreme Military Commander."
796
00:43:06,600 --> 00:43:09,760
So, if you are referring
to him, you must say,
797
00:43:09,800 --> 00:43:13,320
"Lord Prime Minister and
Supreme Military Commander."
798
00:43:13,360 --> 00:43:16,480
His wife, Bun Rany,
she is officially known as:
799
00:43:16,520 --> 00:43:21,200
"Most glorious and upright
person of genius."
800
00:43:21,280 --> 00:43:23,160
I want to be called...
In fact, I want...
801
00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:26,080
Most glorious and upright
person of genius.
802
00:43:26,120 --> 00:43:29,120
I want you two
to start calling me that.
803
00:43:30,840 --> 00:43:33,360
After a bit more
conversation, we went to bed.
804
00:43:34,360 --> 00:43:36,360
Well, one of us did.
805
00:43:38,360 --> 00:43:40,440
I've got paint,
paint brushes,
806
00:43:40,480 --> 00:43:42,280
and then I've got
spray paint.
807
00:43:42,320 --> 00:43:43,800
Where's the bicycles?
808
00:43:43,840 --> 00:43:45,520
Oh, they're here.
Thank you.
809
00:43:45,560 --> 00:43:47,760
Thank you so much.
Thank you very much.
810
00:43:49,040 --> 00:43:51,040
I love to follow you.
811
00:43:56,240 --> 00:44:01,880
The next morning, I fitted my new
lavatory seat and air-conditioning unit.
812
00:44:01,920 --> 00:44:04,520
James installed
his drinks fridge.
813
00:44:04,560 --> 00:44:07,520
And after Hammond had
slipped into his new shirt...
814
00:44:11,600 --> 00:44:13,120
we set off.
815
00:44:15,960 --> 00:44:20,960
And immediately, it was hard
to keep a straight face.
816
00:44:21,000 --> 00:44:23,040
We have played jokes
on one another before,
817
00:44:23,080 --> 00:44:26,840
but I'm not sure we've ever
pulled one as good as this.
818
00:44:26,880 --> 00:44:28,640
From where Richard Hammond
is standing,
819
00:44:28,680 --> 00:44:31,800
he has no idea what
James and I have done.
820
00:44:42,320 --> 00:44:43,880
Hey, guys?
821
00:44:43,920 --> 00:44:48,080
This is the first time we've run
under our own steam as a three.
822
00:44:48,120 --> 00:44:50,160
Yeah, it feels good.
823
00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:52,600
I'm not sure it feels that
good, though, does it?
824
00:44:52,640 --> 00:44:54,640
Do you know
what might feel better?
825
00:45:06,200 --> 00:45:07,560
Thank you.
826
00:45:09,600 --> 00:45:10,800
Very funny.
827
00:45:18,840 --> 00:45:21,600
We were now
150 miles into our journey
828
00:45:21,640 --> 00:45:23,240
and leaving the Tonlé Sap
829
00:45:23,280 --> 00:45:26,000
to join the world's
most iconic river -
830
00:45:27,000 --> 00:45:29,000
the mighty Mekong.
831
00:45:29,040 --> 00:45:30,960
♪ Hold on ♪
832
00:45:31,000 --> 00:45:33,000
♪ I'm coming ♪
833
00:45:33,040 --> 00:45:35,040
♪ I'm goin' my way... ♪
834
00:45:35,080 --> 00:45:39,760
And I was going down it
at full chat in a jet boat.
835
00:45:42,440 --> 00:45:46,280
These jets, they're New Zealand
jets, and they are epic.
836
00:45:46,320 --> 00:45:48,600
♪ Hold on ♪
837
00:45:48,640 --> 00:45:51,120
♪ I'm coming ♪
838
00:45:51,160 --> 00:45:53,040
The jet skis
you rent on holiday,
839
00:45:53,080 --> 00:45:54,760
they have one impeller
in a tube,
840
00:45:54,800 --> 00:45:57,160
suck water in, shoot it out
the back and go along.
841
00:45:57,200 --> 00:45:59,760
The jets in this
are a bit different.
842
00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:01,240
They're two-stage impellers.
843
00:46:01,280 --> 00:46:03,880
One sucks the water in
and gets it spinning,
844
00:46:03,920 --> 00:46:07,840
fires it into the second one that
properly hammers it out the back.
845
00:46:09,680 --> 00:46:12,480
Instant acceleration,
and a lot of it.
846
00:46:17,160 --> 00:46:18,560
Speed boating.
847
00:46:25,520 --> 00:46:27,680
There really was one of these
in Miami Vice.
848
00:46:27,720 --> 00:46:31,760
Don Johnson drove around in it with
his sleeves rolled up, looking cool.
849
00:46:31,800 --> 00:46:35,320
And, in fact,
this is a Scarab Thunder,
850
00:46:35,360 --> 00:46:38,520
and it was built specially
for a television series
851
00:46:38,560 --> 00:46:40,560
called Thunder
starring Hulk Hogan.
852
00:46:40,600 --> 00:46:42,600
It lasted one season.
853
00:46:42,640 --> 00:46:44,400
It was crap.
854
00:46:44,440 --> 00:46:46,200
But the boat exists.
855
00:46:52,120 --> 00:46:54,120
Another funny thing
about boats.
856
00:46:54,160 --> 00:47:00,960
When you have a car, you never,
ever run it at max revs all day.
857
00:47:01,000 --> 00:47:02,800
But with boats,
that's what you do.
858
00:47:04,040 --> 00:47:06,000
Have you ever driven a car
where you've just...
859
00:47:06,040 --> 00:47:09,000
maxed it from the moment
you start in the morning
860
00:47:09,040 --> 00:47:11,040
and left it maxed all day?
861
00:47:12,320 --> 00:47:14,600
Yeah, I had a company
Renault Clio for a while
862
00:47:14,640 --> 00:47:16,480
and that's how I drove it.
863
00:47:20,000 --> 00:47:22,400
Meanwhile,
a long way further back,
864
00:47:22,440 --> 00:47:27,040
I was contemplating the enormity
of this incredible river.
865
00:47:29,320 --> 00:47:31,320
Here's a stat for you.
866
00:47:31,360 --> 00:47:33,480
The volume of fish
caught in the Mekong
867
00:47:33,520 --> 00:47:36,960
is 13 times greater
than the volume of fish
868
00:47:37,000 --> 00:47:41,280
caught in all of America's
inland waterways combined.
869
00:47:41,320 --> 00:47:46,040
60 million people depend on the
Mekong for food or their livelihood.
870
00:47:46,080 --> 00:47:48,080
60 million people.
871
00:47:49,480 --> 00:47:52,680
So messing this up
with things like damming
872
00:47:53,800 --> 00:47:55,800
could be as bad
as nuclear war.
873
00:48:00,400 --> 00:48:03,240
Up ahead, Jeremy
and I were trying to create
874
00:48:03,280 --> 00:48:07,120
a professional impression at the
Vietnamese border checkpoint.
875
00:48:08,720 --> 00:48:11,040
Oh, that hasn't worked.
876
00:48:11,080 --> 00:48:13,440
Oh.
877
00:48:14,440 --> 00:48:15,760
Yeah.
878
00:48:15,800 --> 00:48:17,800
- Hi.
- Thank you.
879
00:48:17,840 --> 00:48:20,840
We're experienced travellers
passing through.
880
00:48:20,880 --> 00:48:22,680
Yeah, we were born in boats,
really.
881
00:48:26,720 --> 00:48:28,680
Hammond, I'm really sorry,
882
00:48:28,720 --> 00:48:30,720
but the customs man's dog
has died.
883
00:48:32,720 --> 00:48:35,240
Oh, no. Oh, what
a terrible time to arrive.
884
00:48:35,280 --> 00:48:37,320
I'm not sure
he's gonna be very happy.
885
00:48:38,360 --> 00:48:40,440
Hello.
886
00:48:40,480 --> 00:48:43,000
I'm beginning to suspect
there may be man-made fibres
887
00:48:43,040 --> 00:48:45,480
involved in this
shirt of mine.
888
00:48:45,520 --> 00:48:47,520
It's uncomfortable.
889
00:48:50,320 --> 00:48:51,840
With the paperwork done,
890
00:48:51,880 --> 00:48:54,640
I observed nautical courtesy
with the flags,
891
00:48:56,120 --> 00:48:58,080
donned a PBR-crew
black beret...
892
00:48:58,120 --> 00:48:59,200
Right.
893
00:49:00,200 --> 00:49:03,480
...and roared into the Nam.
894
00:49:03,520 --> 00:49:06,800
♪ Some folks are born,
made to wave the flag ♪
895
00:49:06,840 --> 00:49:08,840
♪ Ooh, they're red,
white and blue ♪
896
00:49:10,720 --> 00:49:13,680
♪ And when the band plays
Hail To The Chief ♪
897
00:49:13,720 --> 00:49:15,440
♪ Ooh, they point
the cannon at you... ♪
898
00:49:15,480 --> 00:49:18,600
Suddenly, the PBR is
feeling alive and sprightly.
899
00:49:18,640 --> 00:49:21,520
♪ It ain't me ♪
900
00:49:21,560 --> 00:49:24,120
♪ I ain't no
senator's son, son ♪
901
00:49:25,760 --> 00:49:27,520
This is what
it was built to do,
902
00:49:27,560 --> 00:49:31,800
hammer down
the Mekong River in Vietnam.
903
00:49:31,840 --> 00:49:35,320
♪ Some folks are born,
silver spoon in hand ♪
904
00:49:35,360 --> 00:49:39,120
♪ Lord, don't they help
themselves, oh ♪
905
00:49:39,160 --> 00:49:43,080
♪ But when the taxman
comes to the door ♪
906
00:49:43,120 --> 00:49:46,760
♪ Lord, the house looks like
a rummage sale, yeah ♪
907
00:49:46,800 --> 00:49:49,520
Cambodia, Mekong River
virtually empty.
908
00:49:49,560 --> 00:49:53,840
In Vietnam now, Mekong River
very full of commerce.
909
00:49:53,880 --> 00:49:57,560
♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪
910
00:49:57,600 --> 00:49:59,600
♪ I'm no fortunate one, no ♪
911
00:50:01,600 --> 00:50:03,760
I, too, was
in Vietnam at this point,
912
00:50:03,800 --> 00:50:07,240
and something was
dawning on me.
913
00:50:07,280 --> 00:50:10,640
Strikes me I'm being a bit of a mug
because I'm thrashing this boat,
914
00:50:10,680 --> 00:50:15,480
but it only does 23 km/h,
about 11.5 knots,
915
00:50:15,520 --> 00:50:18,720
and I'm trying to catch up with people
I don't even want to be with anyway.
916
00:50:18,760 --> 00:50:23,240
So, I decided to ease off and
break out my new fishing rod.
917
00:50:31,760 --> 00:50:34,200
That is working a treat.
I should really have a spinner on
918
00:50:34,240 --> 00:50:36,080
or something like that, but...
919
00:50:37,720 --> 00:50:39,320
Yeah, that's fishing.
920
00:50:39,360 --> 00:50:41,840
In the most densely
fish-populated
921
00:50:41,880 --> 00:50:43,320
fishing place in the world.
922
00:50:51,480 --> 00:50:54,520
After a few miles,
I turned off the Mekong
923
00:50:54,560 --> 00:50:58,160
and asked Hammond to follow
me to the town of Chau Doc.
924
00:51:00,840 --> 00:51:05,680
And this time, when we arrived under
the watchful gaze of yet more officials,
925
00:51:05,720 --> 00:51:07,640
we were determined
to park well.
926
00:51:13,680 --> 00:51:16,320
Jeremy? You've now got
my boat and I'm not on it!
927
00:51:16,360 --> 00:51:18,160
What?
928
00:51:18,200 --> 00:51:20,280
I'm not on it
and it's no longer tied on!
929
00:51:20,320 --> 00:51:22,480
- It's not tied on on that end?
- No, it's come off!
930
00:51:22,520 --> 00:51:24,920
- Why didn't you tie it on?
- I thought I had!
931
00:51:24,960 --> 00:51:28,520
Oh, for God's sake. Your
boat's got free, Hammond.
932
00:51:28,560 --> 00:51:32,960
I quickly picked up Richard so
he could re-acquire his boat.
933
00:51:33,000 --> 00:51:34,960
OK, that's that test concluded,
934
00:51:35,000 --> 00:51:37,120
"Where would it go?" test.
It went to there.
935
00:51:37,160 --> 00:51:38,960
Yeah, exactly.
So we now know...
936
00:51:39,000 --> 00:51:42,160
That's the drift, we've established
the drift, it goes that way.
937
00:51:42,200 --> 00:51:44,720
Everything we need to know.
938
00:51:44,760 --> 00:51:47,720
Finally,
we managed to tie ourselves to some land.
939
00:51:47,760 --> 00:51:51,000
And that is how we do that.
940
00:51:51,040 --> 00:51:53,440
And it was at this point
Hammond got the joke.
941
00:51:55,360 --> 00:51:58,560
- I've just seen it!
- What?
942
00:51:58,600 --> 00:52:00,960
What you've done to my boat.
943
00:52:01,000 --> 00:52:03,520
- Have I been...
- Yes, all day.
944
00:52:03,560 --> 00:52:06,000
- How have I not seen that?
- You haven't seen it all day.
945
00:52:06,040 --> 00:52:10,080
You've been through Cambodian
customs, Vietnamese immigration,
946
00:52:10,120 --> 00:52:11,720
- Vietnamese customs.
- Oh, my God!
947
00:52:11,760 --> 00:52:14,800
You've driven probably
100 miles down the Mekong.
948
00:52:14,840 --> 00:52:17,640
- I waved at people. "Hi!"
- The thing is, Hammond,
949
00:52:17,680 --> 00:52:19,960
it's very bad luck to change
the name of a boat.
950
00:52:20,000 --> 00:52:21,160
Oh, God.
951
00:52:21,200 --> 00:52:23,360
Anyway, I'll leave you
to ponder that.
952
00:52:23,400 --> 00:52:25,120
The reason why...
953
00:52:26,600 --> 00:52:29,160
we've parked here
in this quite tight spot
954
00:52:29,200 --> 00:52:31,520
and come to this town
is because
955
00:52:33,240 --> 00:52:35,000
I want to tell you
a little story.
956
00:52:37,520 --> 00:52:40,240
On January 31st, 1968
957
00:52:41,640 --> 00:52:43,920
the town of Chau Doc
was overrun...
958
00:52:45,440 --> 00:52:47,080
as part of
the Tet Offensive.
959
00:52:57,640 --> 00:53:02,800
A flotilla of PBRs set about
rescuing Americans
960
00:53:02,840 --> 00:53:07,360
whilst others covered the evacuation
with a stream of heavy machine-gun fire.
961
00:53:13,240 --> 00:53:15,960
It then turned out that in
a house near the hospital,
962
00:53:16,000 --> 00:53:20,480
a 24-year-old American nurse
called Maggie Frankot was stranded.
963
00:53:20,520 --> 00:53:22,760
Her Jeep was shot to pieces.
964
00:53:22,800 --> 00:53:24,600
The fighting was everywhere.
965
00:53:24,640 --> 00:53:26,800
There were Viet Cong soldiers
all around her house.
966
00:53:26,840 --> 00:53:29,720
Some of them were even in it.
967
00:53:31,080 --> 00:53:33,960
Special Forces soldiers
brought in by the PBRs
968
00:53:34,000 --> 00:53:36,440
eventually reached
Maggie's location.
969
00:53:38,680 --> 00:53:40,400
And after a massive battle,
970
00:53:40,440 --> 00:53:43,400
she was dragged from the
house with an injured knee
971
00:53:43,440 --> 00:53:45,440
and carried to one
of the waiting boats.
972
00:53:48,840 --> 00:53:52,680
Afterwards, the Special Forces
soldier responsible for these heroics,
973
00:53:52,720 --> 00:53:57,400
Sergeant Drew Dix,
was honoured with a Presidential Citation.
974
00:54:02,160 --> 00:54:04,440
But the captain of the PBR
975
00:54:04,480 --> 00:54:07,760
that sped her away
from the town and to safety,
976
00:54:07,800 --> 00:54:11,320
a man called Lieutenant
William H Buddy O'Brien,
977
00:54:11,360 --> 00:54:14,360
did even better because,
a year later...
978
00:54:15,640 --> 00:54:17,000
she married him.
979
00:54:22,840 --> 00:54:24,840
I should call this thing
The Love Boat.
980
00:54:29,480 --> 00:54:32,200
As it was getting late,
I decided to pull over
981
00:54:32,240 --> 00:54:34,080
and use my improvised kitchen
982
00:54:34,120 --> 00:54:38,560
to produce something I'd
learned on a recent holiday.
983
00:54:38,600 --> 00:54:40,600
- I came to Vietnam, as you know...
- Yes.
984
00:54:40,640 --> 00:54:42,480
And in the mornings,
I learnt Vietnamese,
985
00:54:42,520 --> 00:54:44,800
and then in the afternoons,
I did a cookery course
986
00:54:44,840 --> 00:54:46,240
on how to make Pho.
987
00:54:47,600 --> 00:54:50,240
I mean, a lot of people think
I'm just this big,
988
00:54:50,280 --> 00:54:52,280
blundering idiot
that can't wire a plug.
989
00:54:52,320 --> 00:54:54,840
- That's the fella I'm thinking about.
- Absolutely right, I am.
990
00:54:54,880 --> 00:54:57,760
- Do you like onions?
- Yeah.
991
00:54:57,800 --> 00:55:00,960
Now,
this is good-quality beef.
992
00:55:01,000 --> 00:55:03,280
I'm tempted to cook it
a bit on the ladle.
993
00:55:04,880 --> 00:55:08,560
In Pho, there are 124
different herbs and spices.
994
00:55:08,600 --> 00:55:11,480
Erm... the...
the car element
995
00:55:11,520 --> 00:55:15,920
of our car show is less
prominent at the moment.
996
00:55:15,960 --> 00:55:18,720
Because we're on a boat
talking about cooking.
997
00:55:18,760 --> 00:55:20,600
- But in a minute...
- Yes?
998
00:55:20,640 --> 00:55:23,360
...or a second,
they'll cut back to James
999
00:55:23,400 --> 00:55:25,480
who will be talking about
some mechanical thing.
1000
00:55:25,520 --> 00:55:26,920
You're right.
1001
00:55:26,960 --> 00:55:29,960
Oh, listen to that
interesting beat.
1002
00:55:31,800 --> 00:55:35,240
My engine goes in and out of phase
with the engine on the camera boat.
1003
00:55:35,280 --> 00:55:36,840
Can you hear it?
1004
00:55:36,880 --> 00:55:39,040
If I change the revs
by a tiny amount...
1005
00:55:42,920 --> 00:55:44,600
Whir, whir, whir...
1006
00:55:46,240 --> 00:55:48,240
- Right, we are good to go.
- Thank you.
1007
00:55:51,320 --> 00:55:52,640
Oh, I say!
1008
00:55:52,680 --> 00:55:54,160
This is not half bad.
1009
00:55:54,200 --> 00:55:56,080
Seriously? Or are you
just being nice to me?
1010
00:55:56,120 --> 00:55:57,880
No, it is...
It is genuinely very good.
1011
00:55:59,720 --> 00:56:02,680
Look at that view.
1012
00:56:02,720 --> 00:56:05,480
Mm.
1013
00:56:05,520 --> 00:56:07,120
After we'd had our fill,
1014
00:56:07,160 --> 00:56:08,960
it was time to clear up.
1015
00:56:09,000 --> 00:56:11,440
- That's really hot!
- Yeah, it is hot.
1016
00:56:11,480 --> 00:56:12,880
- Yeah.
- Let go.
1017
00:56:12,920 --> 00:56:15,320
Observe the genius that I am.
1018
00:56:17,560 --> 00:56:19,200
We're not polluting
the river, by the way.
1019
00:56:19,240 --> 00:56:20,800
That all adds to the
nutrients, doesn't it?
1020
00:56:20,840 --> 00:56:22,600
- That's biodegradable.
- That is not polluting the river.
1021
00:56:22,640 --> 00:56:24,520
Anyone who writes in and says
you're polluting the river,
1022
00:56:24,560 --> 00:56:27,160
- I shall write back and go, "No, we're just not."
- "You're an arse!"
1023
00:56:28,640 --> 00:56:30,200
There they are, I think.
1024
00:56:31,480 --> 00:56:33,000
Yes.
1025
00:56:33,040 --> 00:56:35,440
May, is that you
coming out of the gloom?
1026
00:56:35,480 --> 00:56:37,800
Yes, it is. Ahoy.
1027
00:56:37,840 --> 00:56:39,640
Perfect timing, mate,
we're leaving.
1028
00:56:39,680 --> 00:56:41,360
We've gotta go find
the Mekong.
1029
00:56:41,400 --> 00:56:43,560
Hang on, I thought
we were having a Pho?
1030
00:56:43,600 --> 00:56:45,600
We did
have one. It was brilliant.
1031
00:56:45,640 --> 00:56:47,960
Yeah,
sorry, I tried to save you some
1032
00:56:48,000 --> 00:56:50,000
but Richard
threw it in the river,
1033
00:56:50,040 --> 00:56:52,920
literally threw your
portion in the river.
1034
00:56:52,960 --> 00:56:55,880
Well, thanks very much
after my very arduous day.
1035
00:56:58,400 --> 00:57:01,360
Sadly, his day was
about to get even more arduous
1036
00:57:01,400 --> 00:57:04,280
because we had to
re-find the Mekong,
1037
00:57:04,320 --> 00:57:07,400
and I was the only one
equipped for night running.
1038
00:57:11,240 --> 00:57:12,880
My situation update.
1039
00:57:12,920 --> 00:57:15,080
I am steering by
my head torch
1040
00:57:15,120 --> 00:57:17,440
strapped to the flagpole
thing on the front.
1041
00:57:20,240 --> 00:57:22,160
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
1042
00:57:24,280 --> 00:57:26,440
Why do I always
end up with no headlights?
1043
00:57:26,480 --> 00:57:29,080
Every bloody trip.
1044
00:57:29,120 --> 00:57:31,600
And to make things worse...
1045
00:57:31,640 --> 00:57:33,640
Gentlemen,
I have a poorly engine.
1046
00:57:33,680 --> 00:57:35,680
It's overheating badly.
1047
00:57:35,720 --> 00:57:37,720
It's starting to backfire
and cough.
1048
00:57:37,760 --> 00:57:39,600
The reason you're having
all these problems
1049
00:57:39,640 --> 00:57:41,800
is because you've changed
the name of your boat.
1050
00:57:41,840 --> 00:57:46,080
Yes, well,
I didn't change it, did I?
1051
00:57:46,120 --> 00:57:49,480
As I was the only one
with sat nav and a proper light,
1052
00:57:49,520 --> 00:57:51,520
it was up to me to navigate.
1053
00:57:53,760 --> 00:57:56,640
And I just saw a little
passageway. Hang on.
1054
00:57:58,200 --> 00:58:00,200
There is,
there is a passageway.
1055
00:58:00,240 --> 00:58:02,440
Follow me.
1056
00:58:02,480 --> 00:58:04,080
I know this looks dodgy
1057
00:58:04,120 --> 00:58:05,840
but this is
the way back to the Mekong.
1058
00:58:05,880 --> 00:58:07,360
Ooh.
1059
00:58:07,400 --> 00:58:09,800
However, as
soon as I made the turn,
1060
00:58:09,840 --> 00:58:12,200
I realised I had a problem.
1061
00:58:15,240 --> 00:58:17,240
Not more weeds.
Please God, no.
1062
00:58:21,200 --> 00:58:23,800
Any minute now,
I'm under the boat,
1063
00:58:23,840 --> 00:58:26,680
picking bits of
lettuce out of my jets.
1064
00:58:29,480 --> 00:58:32,560
And, sure enough,
100 yards later...
1065
00:58:41,200 --> 00:58:43,200
That's me dead.
I have no drive.
1066
00:58:45,760 --> 00:58:49,440
I solved this by paying
a local to clear the intakes.
1067
00:58:51,640 --> 00:58:55,400
And then I soldiered on with him
and our translator for company.
1068
00:58:55,440 --> 00:58:58,840
This was useful because it
meant I could clear up something
1069
00:58:58,880 --> 00:59:01,040
that had been puzzling me.
1070
00:59:01,080 --> 00:59:03,080
Could you answer this for me?
1071
00:59:03,120 --> 00:59:05,120
- My boat is called...
- Du Ma.
1072
00:59:07,200 --> 00:59:10,120
And everybody laughs
when I go, "Du Ma."
1073
00:59:11,360 --> 00:59:13,560
Everybody laughs for a reason.
1074
00:59:13,600 --> 00:59:15,600
But it means "Boat Machine."
1075
00:59:16,920 --> 00:59:18,720
Boat Machine?
1076
00:59:18,760 --> 00:59:20,760
Du: boat.
Ma: machine.
1077
00:59:22,000 --> 00:59:24,880
So, why is that funny?
1078
00:59:24,920 --> 00:59:27,320
It's a similar
pronunciation to
1079
00:59:27,360 --> 00:59:29,840
"f*** your mother"
in Vietnamese.
1080
00:59:29,880 --> 00:59:32,240
- What?
- Mmm.
1081
00:59:32,280 --> 00:59:34,240
- Yes.
- You're joking?
1082
00:59:34,280 --> 00:59:35,880
Oh, right.
1083
00:59:35,920 --> 00:59:38,640
I'm losing drive.
I'm losing drive.
1084
00:59:38,680 --> 00:59:40,640
Oh, shit.
1085
00:59:40,680 --> 00:59:42,680
I'm in a tree. Big problem.
1086
00:59:44,600 --> 00:59:47,320
As it was late and
Hammond's boat was poorly,
1087
00:59:47,360 --> 00:59:50,840
and I was in a tree,
we decided to make camp.
1088
00:59:54,760 --> 00:59:57,720
And we woke the next morning
in a blanket of drizzle
1089
00:59:57,760 --> 01:00:00,200
with no idea where we were.
1090
01:00:01,880 --> 01:00:04,840
It's all gone a bit
English-boating-holiday, hasn't it?
1091
01:00:04,880 --> 01:00:06,160
Yeah.
1092
01:00:06,200 --> 01:00:08,480
Why did he turn off
the Mekong, anyway?
1093
01:00:08,520 --> 01:00:13,240
He wanted to stop off and make a
history programme or something.
1094
01:00:13,280 --> 01:00:16,320
No, listen, he did a cooking show
last night as well. You missed that.
1095
01:00:16,360 --> 01:00:19,360
My pho was so light
and beautiful...
1096
01:00:19,400 --> 01:00:21,440
Oh, this man's
going to see me!
1097
01:00:21,480 --> 01:00:24,040
They're gonna
be scarred for life.
1098
01:00:25,080 --> 01:00:26,960
Morning.
1099
01:00:28,000 --> 01:00:31,080
If he falls in
and follows his own turd...
1100
01:00:31,120 --> 01:00:34,520
- Trousers.
- ..into the lavatory bowl...
1101
01:00:34,560 --> 01:00:36,720
and emerges with it
stuck to his head...
1102
01:00:36,760 --> 01:00:40,760
Someone would say, "There's a particularly
massive turd in the river this morning."
1103
01:00:40,800 --> 01:00:44,000
With the morning
ablutions complete,
1104
01:00:44,040 --> 01:00:45,840
it was time to move on.
1105
01:00:48,400 --> 01:00:51,080
And, since it was Jeremy
who'd got us lost,
1106
01:00:51,120 --> 01:00:54,960
we decided it was up to him
to get us un-lost.
1107
01:00:55,000 --> 01:00:57,160
You're in charge of charts.
Lead the way.
1108
01:00:57,200 --> 01:00:59,840
We shall reacquire
the Mekong very soon.
1109
01:00:59,880 --> 01:01:02,960
Yeah, I hope so.
For your sake, really.
1110
01:01:05,520 --> 01:01:08,120
I admit
we are entirely lost
1111
01:01:08,160 --> 01:01:11,160
and none of these canals
are marked on the map.
1112
01:01:13,520 --> 01:01:15,600
Ooh.
1113
01:01:17,520 --> 01:01:20,960
A few miles later,
while still not on the Mekong,
1114
01:01:21,000 --> 01:01:23,320
we came across
a floating market...
1115
01:01:25,760 --> 01:01:28,800
...and decided
to buy some breakfast.
1116
01:01:30,520 --> 01:01:32,880
It's not really
a supermarket, is it?
1117
01:01:32,920 --> 01:01:34,680
Where do I...
What do I do?
1118
01:01:34,720 --> 01:01:37,160
You drive in there,
pull up alongside a boat
1119
01:01:37,200 --> 01:01:40,360
where you like the look of
the produce, and then buy it.
1120
01:01:41,880 --> 01:01:44,840
For Richard and James,
this turned out to be easy.
1121
01:01:44,880 --> 01:01:46,840
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
1122
01:01:46,880 --> 01:01:50,880
But for me,
in the unruly PBR...
1123
01:01:50,920 --> 01:01:52,320
Oh, my God!
1124
01:01:52,360 --> 01:01:54,280
hell!
1125
01:01:54,320 --> 01:01:56,640
I can't steer it.
1126
01:01:56,680 --> 01:01:58,560
Oh, my giddy aunt.
1127
01:01:58,600 --> 01:02:01,040
Sorry. Sorry.
1128
01:02:01,080 --> 01:02:03,800
I'm just... I'm gonna have...
Oh, no, no, no, no.
1129
01:02:03,840 --> 01:02:06,920
Hammond, I've smashed your window.
1130
01:02:06,960 --> 01:02:08,800
Yeah, I can see that.
1131
01:02:08,840 --> 01:02:10,280
Yeah.
1132
01:02:10,320 --> 01:02:12,400
- Stop beeping!
- Hello, hello.
1133
01:02:12,440 --> 01:02:14,280
Hello. What's that?
1134
01:02:14,320 --> 01:02:17,440
- Yes.
- 50 cents. OK.
1135
01:02:17,480 --> 01:02:21,600
- OK. OK.
- I've bought... What are they?
1136
01:02:21,640 --> 01:02:23,960
Move the...!
1137
01:02:24,000 --> 01:02:25,480
Ooh. Sorry.
1138
01:02:25,520 --> 01:02:27,640
I'll go over here. I meant...
1139
01:02:27,680 --> 01:02:29,400
Don't...
1140
01:02:29,440 --> 01:02:31,600
Don't spin around again.
Oh, no!
1141
01:02:31,640 --> 01:02:33,520
Sorry.
1142
01:02:33,560 --> 01:02:36,200
Tomatoes.
Excellent. And an onion.
1143
01:02:36,240 --> 01:02:39,240
Thank you.
No idea what that is.
1144
01:02:39,280 --> 01:02:41,800
Wait a minute.
This is looking good.
1145
01:02:41,840 --> 01:02:44,360
I think, for once...
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
1146
01:02:44,400 --> 01:02:45,880
It's gone wrong.
1147
01:02:45,920 --> 01:02:48,080
Oh, God. Sorry.
I'm gonna break his rudder.
1148
01:02:48,120 --> 01:02:51,320
Oh... Yeah.
1149
01:02:51,360 --> 01:02:53,400
I eventually left
empty-handed.
1150
01:02:53,440 --> 01:02:56,280
But, as James
prepared his breakfast...
1151
01:02:56,320 --> 01:02:58,040
Ahh!
1152
01:02:59,080 --> 01:03:01,360
...we found the Mekong.
1153
01:03:01,400 --> 01:03:04,440
Sadly, however,
it didn't end our problems.
1154
01:03:04,480 --> 01:03:08,320
If we followed this particular
bit of the Mekong, or this one,
1155
01:03:08,360 --> 01:03:09,840
or any of the others,
1156
01:03:09,880 --> 01:03:11,520
we'd end up in the sea,
1157
01:03:11,560 --> 01:03:13,280
and avoiding any form of sea
1158
01:03:13,320 --> 01:03:15,760
in our riverboats
was critical.
1159
01:03:15,800 --> 01:03:20,240
So, we had to find another
path through the delta.
1160
01:03:20,280 --> 01:03:22,440
This meant turning off
the Mekong again
1161
01:03:22,480 --> 01:03:26,480
and onto another canal,
which made Hammond very angry.
1162
01:03:26,520 --> 01:03:28,440
Oh, this looks weird!
1163
01:03:28,480 --> 01:03:30,280
We're on another
bloody canal!
1164
01:03:31,320 --> 01:03:33,320
Oh, for God's sake.
1165
01:03:33,360 --> 01:03:36,240
Hammond, if I still had
50 cals on the front of this,
1166
01:03:36,280 --> 01:03:39,080
I promise I would open up
on you right now.
1167
01:03:39,120 --> 01:03:41,080
Yes, well, you haven't.
And there's a reason for that.
1168
01:03:41,120 --> 01:03:43,960
Because you'd probably lose them the
same way you lost the massive river.
1169
01:03:44,000 --> 01:03:45,920
You'd lose
your massive machine gun.
1170
01:03:47,000 --> 01:03:50,040
It cannot be this way.
1171
01:03:54,680 --> 01:03:57,480
I was convinced we were
going in the right direction
1172
01:03:57,520 --> 01:03:59,880
and for the right reasons.
1173
01:03:59,920 --> 01:04:04,560
But, still, none of these canals
appeared on my sat-nav system.
1174
01:04:14,040 --> 01:04:18,640
OK. So, we're going south.
We're going the wrong way.
1175
01:04:18,680 --> 01:04:20,840
If I do a left and a right...
1176
01:04:20,880 --> 01:04:22,720
we'll wiggle about
and I'll be fine.
1177
01:04:31,440 --> 01:04:33,080
I think there's
a left turn here.
1178
01:04:33,120 --> 01:04:36,960
If we take this, I think that'll
help us find the correct Mekong.
1179
01:04:37,000 --> 01:04:39,800
Or just get us more lost.
1180
01:04:39,840 --> 01:04:43,680
Jeremy Clarkson, would you like to
rethink this? This is your chance.
1181
01:04:44,920 --> 01:04:47,120
Calm.
1182
01:04:48,360 --> 01:04:52,080
Eventually, we came to
an aquatic T-junction.
1183
01:04:59,600 --> 01:05:02,160
So, which way is it?
1184
01:05:04,720 --> 01:05:06,880
Right, chaps,
we're gonna go...
1185
01:05:06,920 --> 01:05:09,440
Take a right, James.
1186
01:05:10,560 --> 01:05:12,320
I followed James,
1187
01:05:12,360 --> 01:05:16,200
which meant Jeremy was
directing us from the back.
1188
01:05:16,240 --> 01:05:19,600
So this right turn that you
announced with absolute confidence
1189
01:05:19,640 --> 01:05:21,200
is based on what?
1190
01:05:21,240 --> 01:05:23,320
Hope.
1191
01:05:25,160 --> 01:05:26,680
Hammond, when you
get through that,
1192
01:05:26,720 --> 01:05:28,960
could you just look back
and see if I can?
1193
01:05:29,000 --> 01:05:31,160
- What?
- Hammond! Hammond! Hammond!
1194
01:05:31,200 --> 01:05:33,280
Oh, oh, oh,
that's not gonna work!
1195
01:05:38,160 --> 01:05:39,640
Ah, that didn't fit.
1196
01:05:39,680 --> 01:05:42,000
- Thanks, Hammond!
- Well, I was... I... I...
1197
01:05:42,040 --> 01:05:44,760
I was getting through
before I could turn round.
1198
01:05:44,800 --> 01:05:48,120
Do you know what that means,
Hammond? The nav's gone.
1199
01:05:48,160 --> 01:05:51,000
Oh, well, it's done us a lot of
bloody good so far, hasn't it!
1200
01:05:51,040 --> 01:05:54,120
Oh, we've lost the thing
that's got us lost!
1201
01:05:56,120 --> 01:05:58,880
As we continued,
the problems started
1202
01:05:58,920 --> 01:06:02,320
to come not from above
but from below.
1203
01:06:06,920 --> 01:06:09,760
I think I'm bumping
the bottom here occasionally.
1204
01:06:09,800 --> 01:06:12,120
I think I did just now,
as well.
1205
01:06:14,400 --> 01:06:16,680
Oh, I am hitting the bottom.
1206
01:06:22,080 --> 01:06:24,360
Oh, wait a minute.
1207
01:06:26,400 --> 01:06:30,120
Hammond, it's a dead end.
It's a dead end, for God's sake.
1208
01:06:37,560 --> 01:06:39,560
Sod it, I'm beached.
Completely beached.
1209
01:06:39,600 --> 01:06:44,680
- You what?
- And I can't turn round. Save yourself.
1210
01:06:44,720 --> 01:06:46,960
But it was
too late for that.
1211
01:06:47,000 --> 01:06:50,680
Oh, for God's sake.
1212
01:06:50,720 --> 01:06:53,600
I could have
turned round, but...
1213
01:06:53,640 --> 01:06:57,040
I'm weeded up.
I'm losing drive.
1214
01:06:57,080 --> 01:07:01,120
I'm losing drive.
I'm losing drive.
1215
01:07:01,160 --> 01:07:04,920
And you're looking for what?
Sympathy?
1216
01:07:04,960 --> 01:07:07,600
Now all three of us
were beached.
1217
01:07:10,160 --> 01:07:12,960
Well, this is crap, isn't it!
1218
01:07:13,000 --> 01:07:15,960
OK, chaps,
here is the situation.
1219
01:07:16,000 --> 01:07:18,560
Using my intellect
and genius,
1220
01:07:18,600 --> 01:07:21,120
I've deduced this is tidal.
1221
01:07:21,160 --> 01:07:22,720
We can see
where the tide was,
1222
01:07:22,760 --> 01:07:26,600
so we simply have to wait
for it to come back up again.
1223
01:07:26,640 --> 01:07:29,880
- Yeah, but it's going down.
- Yes, that's my worry.
1224
01:07:29,920 --> 01:07:34,640
Whatever happens, we are definitely
stuck here for a little while.
1225
01:07:36,920 --> 01:07:40,280
It's actually
a really nice spot, weirdly.
1226
01:07:40,320 --> 01:07:44,000
Apart from the slowly-exposed
bucket of fetid mud.
1227
01:07:47,000 --> 01:07:49,480
- Do you want a tomato?
- No.
1228
01:07:49,520 --> 01:07:51,000
- Do you want a potato?
- No.
1229
01:07:51,040 --> 01:07:53,240
- Would you like an onion?
- No.
1230
01:07:56,840 --> 01:07:59,840
Guys. I've got my iPad.
I can watch a movie.
1231
01:07:59,880 --> 01:08:01,680
There's a show
on Prime Video here,
1232
01:08:01,720 --> 01:08:03,320
it's called The Grand Tour.
1233
01:08:03,360 --> 01:08:05,440
- I don't like it.
- It's rubbish.
1234
01:08:05,480 --> 01:08:09,000
There's this one
bloke on it I can't stand.
1235
01:08:11,040 --> 01:08:15,440
What are the locals thinking
right now about us?
1236
01:08:15,480 --> 01:08:19,240
"They're making a movie and
they've it up completely."
1237
01:08:21,560 --> 01:08:25,560
Another hour passed,
and with the water still draining away,
1238
01:08:25,600 --> 01:08:27,360
it went dark.
1239
01:08:33,120 --> 01:08:36,600
Having waited most of the
night, in a cloud of mosquitos,
1240
01:08:36,640 --> 01:08:38,680
for the tide to refloat us,
1241
01:08:38,720 --> 01:08:42,800
we retraced our steps and suffered
more damage in the process.
1242
01:08:44,200 --> 01:08:45,960
So, the bridge that
1243
01:08:46,000 --> 01:08:48,240
ruined the radar dome
on the way in,
1244
01:08:48,280 --> 01:08:51,320
on the way out,
knocked off my nav lights,
1245
01:08:51,360 --> 01:08:54,840
my spotlight,
and bent my roof here.
1246
01:08:54,880 --> 01:08:57,560
Which means every time
I walk past, I hit my head.
1247
01:08:57,600 --> 01:09:01,440
So... I'm gonna tie this on
as a reminder
1248
01:09:01,520 --> 01:09:03,240
to not hit my head.
1249
01:09:04,800 --> 01:09:08,000
On the up-side, I had found
the correct canal -
1250
01:09:08,040 --> 01:09:11,920
a route that would keep us
away from the South China Sea.
1251
01:09:11,960 --> 01:09:15,800
Unfortunately, everyone else
had found it too.
1252
01:09:29,160 --> 01:09:31,160
Holy cow!
1253
01:09:31,200 --> 01:09:35,720
This like a motorway
for water lorries.
1254
01:09:35,760 --> 01:09:38,318
I have never seen the like.
1255
01:09:38,320 --> 01:09:41,760
And in order to have
any steering in the PBR,
1256
01:09:41,800 --> 01:09:44,320
I had to go down
the motorway...
1257
01:09:44,360 --> 01:09:46,360
as fast as possible.
1258
01:09:46,400 --> 01:09:49,040
Ride Of The Valkyries
1259
01:09:51,040 --> 01:09:52,920
Jinking to miss the cargo.
1260
01:09:52,960 --> 01:09:54,640
Oh, no, wait.
I'm gonna go right.
1261
01:09:54,680 --> 01:09:56,600
Going right.
Changed my mind.
1262
01:10:02,280 --> 01:10:05,200
This is a head-on.
I'm heading for a head-on.
1263
01:10:08,680 --> 01:10:11,080
Look how loaded
that barge is.
1264
01:10:11,120 --> 01:10:13,800
If you saw that anywhere else
in the world, you'd say,
1265
01:10:13,840 --> 01:10:15,720
"Oh, my God!
That's about to sink!"
1266
01:10:15,760 --> 01:10:18,320
But, no, it's just
plodding along.
1267
01:10:20,560 --> 01:10:22,840
What the hell's
happened here?
1268
01:10:22,880 --> 01:10:25,320
Holy cow.
1269
01:10:25,360 --> 01:10:28,960
I think what's happened is
he's beached the back end of it
1270
01:10:29,000 --> 01:10:30,800
and now he's spun round...
1271
01:10:30,840 --> 01:10:33,318
Oh, this is just hilarious.
1272
01:10:33,320 --> 01:10:36,640
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
That's really bad.
1273
01:10:36,680 --> 01:10:39,200
How did he do that?
1274
01:10:39,240 --> 01:10:42,880
Mind you, you'd say that
looking at us lot last night.
1275
01:10:42,920 --> 01:10:46,520
Soon, however,
this wasn't the only boat in trouble.
1276
01:10:49,840 --> 01:10:53,080
Oh, that smells terrible now
and there's a lot of smoke.
1277
01:10:53,120 --> 01:10:56,120
Ohh...
1278
01:10:56,160 --> 01:10:59,200
My right-hand engine
is overheating.
1279
01:10:59,240 --> 01:11:01,520
I think, actually,
it might be on fire.
1280
01:11:01,560 --> 01:11:04,000
Still, at least
it then rained,
1281
01:11:04,040 --> 01:11:07,318
so I didn't have to worry
about the fire spreading.
1282
01:11:09,720 --> 01:11:12,440
Oh, God almighty!
1283
01:11:12,520 --> 01:11:14,120
Being a caring soul,
1284
01:11:14,160 --> 01:11:16,800
I decided to go back
to see if I could help.
1285
01:11:16,840 --> 01:11:19,320
Switching to
wet weather mode.
1286
01:11:19,360 --> 01:11:23,400
And I'll give James a fly-by.
I know he enjoys them.
1287
01:11:23,440 --> 01:11:25,960
Here we go.
1288
01:11:27,800 --> 01:11:29,680
Clarkson!
1289
01:11:32,800 --> 01:11:34,280
What's the matter?
1290
01:11:34,320 --> 01:11:37,840
Uh, I've lost drive
on both sides, pretty much.
1291
01:11:37,880 --> 01:11:40,560
Oh, actually,
I know how to...
1292
01:11:40,600 --> 01:11:42,880
fix a slipping prop shaft.
1293
01:11:42,920 --> 01:11:45,920
- How?
- Get the boat out of the water,
1294
01:11:45,960 --> 01:11:47,960
send for new parts
from America,
1295
01:11:48,000 --> 01:11:50,640
and then ask a man
to fit them.
1296
01:11:50,680 --> 01:11:54,000
With that advice
dispensed, I was on my way back.
1297
01:12:00,120 --> 01:12:01,840
Oh, no.
1298
01:12:01,880 --> 01:12:05,000
We're hoping to reach
the finish point today.
1299
01:12:05,040 --> 01:12:08,318
We're only 100 kilometres now
from Vung Tau.
1300
01:12:08,320 --> 01:12:13,400
But, at this rate, I'm not
sure that's gonna happen.
1301
01:12:13,440 --> 01:12:16,440
In order to hold us
up as little as possible,
1302
01:12:16,520 --> 01:12:18,680
I attached myself
to a camera boat,
1303
01:12:18,720 --> 01:12:21,640
so I could do repairs
on the move.
1304
01:12:21,680 --> 01:12:25,080
This one is not firing on all cylinders.
That one's not good either.
1305
01:12:25,120 --> 01:12:27,880
I'm gonna change all of
the plugs, all of the leads.
1306
01:12:27,920 --> 01:12:29,880
The fuel is filthy
around here,
1307
01:12:29,920 --> 01:12:32,920
so I'm gonna change
the fuel filters.
1308
01:12:32,960 --> 01:12:35,080
I'm gonna clean
the air filters.
1309
01:12:35,120 --> 01:12:37,280
There is a leak coming
through the exhaust stack
1310
01:12:37,320 --> 01:12:38,960
at the back,
with a blown hose.
1311
01:12:39,000 --> 01:12:41,280
I've got to change that
or I'll sink.
1312
01:12:41,320 --> 01:12:42,440
To work!
1313
01:12:44,000 --> 01:12:45,600
Leaving Richard
to try and mend
1314
01:12:45,640 --> 01:12:48,000
his burning colander...
1315
01:12:50,120 --> 01:12:53,520
I finally sailed clear
of the rain.
1316
01:12:53,560 --> 01:12:55,440
Oh, no!
1317
01:12:57,320 --> 01:13:00,520
My expensive Bell & Ross
is all fogged up.
1318
01:13:00,560 --> 01:13:02,400
That's going back.
1319
01:13:04,800 --> 01:13:07,520
Even further ahead,
I'd left the canal
1320
01:13:07,560 --> 01:13:10,840
and was entering one of
the delta's giant estuaries.
1321
01:13:16,080 --> 01:13:17,800
This one's a long way
from home,
1322
01:13:17,840 --> 01:13:21,200
taking a lot of Vietnamese
training shoes to Panama.
1323
01:13:26,520 --> 01:13:28,560
Power is good.
Temperature's good.
1324
01:13:28,600 --> 01:13:34,320
Fuel is very... Ooh, Christ,
fuel is very low. Oh, dear.
1325
01:13:34,360 --> 01:13:36,760
But, actually, that was OK
1326
01:13:36,800 --> 01:13:39,680
because in busy,
industrious Vietnam
1327
01:13:39,720 --> 01:13:43,520
you can summon a
Deliveroo-style refuelling boat.
1328
01:13:43,560 --> 01:13:46,040
I'm heading at 120 degrees.
1329
01:13:46,080 --> 01:13:48,280
OK, I'll keep my eye open.
1330
01:13:50,280 --> 01:13:53,318
And, sure enough,
half an hour later...
1331
01:13:53,320 --> 01:13:56,240
Oh, here he is.
1332
01:13:56,280 --> 01:13:58,520
You see, this is service,
1333
01:13:58,560 --> 01:14:02,120
from this environmentally-friendly
boat that's arrived.
1334
01:14:04,720 --> 01:14:07,840
I've been joined
by the Rainbow Warrior.
1335
01:14:07,880 --> 01:14:11,000
Actually creating
a lake of soot.
1336
01:14:14,960 --> 01:14:17,880
Once I'd refuelled,
I sailed into what is -
1337
01:14:17,920 --> 01:14:19,920
for my boat at least...
1338
01:14:22,120 --> 01:14:24,120
home.
1339
01:14:26,760 --> 01:14:31,440
Today, this particular area is
known as the National Biosphere.
1340
01:14:33,040 --> 01:14:35,800
This is one of the most
fertile places on Earth.
1341
01:14:35,840 --> 01:14:37,640
Anything grows here.
1342
01:14:37,680 --> 01:14:39,240
You could plant
Richard Hammond
1343
01:14:39,280 --> 01:14:41,680
and in the morning
he'd be three feet taller.
1344
01:14:41,720 --> 01:14:44,800
But the Americans used to
call it something different.
1345
01:14:44,840 --> 01:14:49,160
They called it The Forest
of the Assassins.
1346
01:14:50,920 --> 01:14:53,400
And it was the job
of the PBR boys
1347
01:14:53,440 --> 01:14:56,320
to root those assassins out.
1348
01:14:57,400 --> 01:14:59,040
That was no easy task
1349
01:14:59,080 --> 01:15:02,960
'cause we're talking about
500 square miles of forest,
1350
01:15:03,000 --> 01:15:07,560
criss-crossed by 3,000
miles of rivers and creeks.
1351
01:15:08,800 --> 01:15:10,360
It was the perfect place
1352
01:15:10,400 --> 01:15:13,440
for the Viet Cong
to wage guerrilla warfare...
1353
01:15:16,640 --> 01:15:20,840
against America's little
unarmoured war boats.
1354
01:15:20,880 --> 01:15:24,920
Initially, the crews were
trained in America by the army,
1355
01:15:24,960 --> 01:15:27,760
and then they were
trained by the navy,
1356
01:15:27,800 --> 01:15:31,880
and then they were told to just
come out here and get on with it.
1357
01:15:34,760 --> 01:15:39,000
They literally put four
teenagers, as often as not,
1358
01:15:39,040 --> 01:15:44,320
on an armed speedboat and sent
them out here to do fighting.
1359
01:15:45,800 --> 01:15:47,520
Armaments?
1360
01:15:47,560 --> 01:15:51,000
Well, all of the boats
had twin 50 cals upfront...
1361
01:15:52,800 --> 01:15:56,560
and a single 50
at the back.
1362
01:15:56,600 --> 01:16:00,160
But, beyond that, the captain
could fit what he wanted.
1363
01:16:00,200 --> 01:16:03,400
Some went for 40-millimetre
grenade launchers.
1364
01:16:03,440 --> 01:16:05,760
Some had
60-millimetre mortars.
1365
01:16:05,800 --> 01:16:08,000
Some had rocket launchers.
1366
01:16:08,040 --> 01:16:10,920
Some carried Claymore mines
to leave on the banks.
1367
01:16:10,960 --> 01:16:16,200
And it was the same free-for-all
when it came to air support.
1368
01:16:16,240 --> 01:16:21,400
Some PBR captains called in fast
jets when they were attacked.
1369
01:16:21,440 --> 01:16:25,320
And some preferred to work in
tandem with helicopter gunships.
1370
01:16:29,800 --> 01:16:33,440
Some guys, however,
liked to handle the fight on their own.
1371
01:16:33,520 --> 01:16:35,920
There was one guy
called James E Williams.
1372
01:16:35,960 --> 01:16:38,080
He came round a corner.
His route was blocked
1373
01:16:38,120 --> 01:16:41,000
by eight enemy boats
all firing at him.
1374
01:16:41,040 --> 01:16:44,600
So, he ordered his front
machine-gunner to fire back,
1375
01:16:44,640 --> 01:16:46,720
and then engaged full speed
1376
01:16:46,760 --> 01:16:49,200
and rammed into
the enemy boats.
1377
01:16:49,240 --> 01:16:52,880
Then he turned round,
engaged full speed again,
1378
01:16:52,920 --> 01:16:56,960
and rammed into the ones that
hadn't been turned into matchwood
1379
01:16:57,000 --> 01:16:59,080
on his first pass.
1380
01:16:59,120 --> 01:17:02,200
He got the Congressional
Medal of Honor for that one.
1381
01:17:02,240 --> 01:17:05,318
And I'm not surprised.
1382
01:17:05,320 --> 01:17:07,920
Of course, you'd imagine
that a plastic boat
1383
01:17:07,960 --> 01:17:12,680
would be easy pickings for a
sniper hiding in the undergrowth.
1384
01:17:14,240 --> 01:17:18,440
But that's not so,
as I shall now demonstrate.
1385
01:17:23,920 --> 01:17:27,600
PBR captains
would always drive very fast,
1386
01:17:27,640 --> 01:17:31,760
so they had steering,
and very close to the bank.
1387
01:17:31,800 --> 01:17:34,000
If it was the bank where
the sniper was hiding...
1388
01:17:34,040 --> 01:17:38,640
I mean, if you're in there,
you've got no chance.
1389
01:17:38,680 --> 01:17:43,280
All you have to do is keep the
hammer down and keep close to a bank.
1390
01:17:44,680 --> 01:17:46,680
Then you're
a sniper's nightmare.
1391
01:17:46,720 --> 01:17:49,040
Oh, shit.
1392
01:17:58,960 --> 01:18:03,080
Right, what I've just done is -
there's no other word - I've crashed.
1393
01:18:11,640 --> 01:18:13,920
How have you done that?
1394
01:18:13,960 --> 01:18:17,318
OK, what happened was I came
round this corner here,
1395
01:18:17,320 --> 01:18:19,840
there were some
school children swimming,
1396
01:18:19,880 --> 01:18:22,600
and a shark
was homing in for an attack.
1397
01:18:22,640 --> 01:18:26,680
So, I ran the shark down,
and then got stuck in my own wake.
1398
01:18:26,720 --> 01:18:28,640
And it's just...
Well, I've crashed now.
1399
01:18:28,680 --> 01:18:31,440
But the school children
are all fine.
1400
01:18:32,800 --> 01:18:35,120
At first, a camera crew
tried to pull me off,
1401
01:18:35,160 --> 01:18:38,320
but the PBR was too heavy.
1402
01:18:40,320 --> 01:18:42,600
Now what are you gonna do?
1403
01:18:42,640 --> 01:18:44,640
Well, that's a good question.
1404
01:18:44,680 --> 01:18:48,880
We were all stumped.
1405
01:18:48,920 --> 01:18:53,600
And that's because we hadn't reckoned
on the ingenuity of the locals,
1406
01:18:53,640 --> 01:18:56,920
who decided to pull the boat
from the front.
1407
01:19:01,240 --> 01:19:05,320
Right, um...
Ooh, it's moving. Is it?
1408
01:19:07,720 --> 01:19:09,960
It's actually...
Uh, we're moving.
1409
01:19:10,000 --> 01:19:12,560
I'm moving. I am moving.
1410
01:19:12,600 --> 01:19:15,400
I am absolutely staggered.
1411
01:19:16,880 --> 01:19:19,120
Look at this!
This is a four-ton boat.
1412
01:19:22,840 --> 01:19:24,840
Yes!
1413
01:19:24,880 --> 01:19:27,040
You are a genius!
1414
01:19:27,080 --> 01:19:29,880
I must admit,
that was a fantastic effort.
1415
01:19:29,920 --> 01:19:31,760
I didn't think
that was gonna shift.
1416
01:19:31,800 --> 01:19:34,760
You know, people always say,
"How did the Vietnamese beat
1417
01:19:34,800 --> 01:19:36,920
the French, the Chinese,
and the Americans?"
1418
01:19:36,960 --> 01:19:39,840
I think we've just seen
an example of it.
1419
01:19:41,320 --> 01:19:43,520
And, many miles back,
on the porn set,
1420
01:19:43,560 --> 01:19:45,720
there was more good news.
1421
01:19:47,240 --> 01:19:49,680
There it is!
I'm back in the running!
1422
01:19:49,720 --> 01:19:52,920
Both engines running on eight
cylinders and running well.
1423
01:19:52,960 --> 01:19:56,640
Plus, I'm no longer
on fire or sinking.
1424
01:19:59,080 --> 01:20:01,320
All of us
were running well, in fact.
1425
01:20:01,360 --> 01:20:03,840
The finish line
was in striking distance
1426
01:20:03,880 --> 01:20:06,520
and even though our
weird collection of boats
1427
01:20:06,560 --> 01:20:11,280
had been captained by two terrible
sailors and a hopeless navigator,
1428
01:20:11,320 --> 01:20:16,280
they had, nevertheless,
survived this epic adventure.
1429
01:20:18,240 --> 01:20:20,240
Oh-oh!
1430
01:20:20,280 --> 01:20:22,400
It's really windy!
1431
01:20:22,440 --> 01:20:24,440
Ooh-ooh!
1432
01:20:32,080 --> 01:20:33,120
No?
1433
01:20:34,760 --> 01:20:36,800
Come on! Come on! Come on!
1434
01:20:36,840 --> 01:20:39,600
- No, I won't have this!
- Yeah!
1435
01:20:41,520 --> 01:20:43,320
Oh, God.
1436
01:20:45,680 --> 01:20:47,800
Here we go into the reeds.
1437
01:20:50,280 --> 01:20:52,880
Sleeping...
...elephant.
1438
01:20:54,920 --> 01:20:56,800
Oh, my God.
1439
01:20:56,840 --> 01:20:58,000
Sorry.
1440
01:20:59,400 --> 01:21:00,920
Oh, cock.
1441
01:21:05,200 --> 01:21:06,560
Hammond!
Hammond! Hammond!
1442
01:21:08,400 --> 01:21:09,840
Ah, that didn't fit.
1443
01:21:09,880 --> 01:21:12,160
Oh, we've lost the thing
that's got us lost.
1444
01:21:14,520 --> 01:21:16,600
Well, this is crap, isn't it?
1445
01:21:27,160 --> 01:21:28,960
Oh, shit!
1446
01:21:39,880 --> 01:21:41,920
20 miles to go.
1447
01:21:43,240 --> 01:21:45,840
What can possibly go wrong?
1448
01:21:45,880 --> 01:21:49,320
As it turned out,
just about everything.
1449
01:21:55,960 --> 01:21:59,160
This time, the rain was
the heaviest we'd seen.
1450
01:22:00,760 --> 01:22:03,600
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
1451
01:22:03,640 --> 01:22:05,560
This is grim.
1452
01:22:07,280 --> 01:22:09,440
hell,
I can't see a thing.
1453
01:22:13,320 --> 01:22:16,200
Soon,
we were completely lost.
1454
01:22:22,120 --> 01:22:25,280
Have I overtaken you?
Have you seen me go by?
1455
01:22:25,320 --> 01:22:28,560
I can't see a
thing and I can't steer.
1456
01:22:31,280 --> 01:22:33,400
When the rain
did eventually clear,
1457
01:22:33,440 --> 01:22:37,200
we realised we had emerged
into the one thing
1458
01:22:37,240 --> 01:22:40,080
I'd been trying
so desperately to avoid.
1459
01:22:41,640 --> 01:22:44,080
OK, well, now,
what we've done...
1460
01:22:44,120 --> 01:22:46,160
what I'm doing here...
1461
01:22:47,320 --> 01:22:48,960
That's the sea.
1462
01:22:51,280 --> 01:22:54,840
30 miles of open ocean
lay between us
1463
01:22:54,880 --> 01:22:57,320
and the finishing line
at Vung Tau.
1464
01:23:01,720 --> 01:23:04,280
But, as the water
didn't look too rough...
1465
01:23:06,560 --> 01:23:10,960
we decided to put on some
life jackets and go for it.
1466
01:23:12,120 --> 01:23:13,960
I've been thinking. Jeremy?
1467
01:23:14,000 --> 01:23:16,360
The sea is in some ways
a lawless place,
1468
01:23:16,400 --> 01:23:18,318
but in others there is
a strict code, isn't there?
1469
01:23:18,320 --> 01:23:21,800
You stick together through thick and
thin, face perils as one.
1470
01:23:21,840 --> 01:23:23,600
Yeah. Thing is, though,
1471
01:23:23,640 --> 01:23:25,880
to operate efficiently
as a team,
1472
01:23:25,920 --> 01:23:29,320
each team member
has to be at their optimum.
1473
01:23:29,360 --> 01:23:32,920
At this speed, I'm not at my best.
I have no steering.
1474
01:23:32,960 --> 01:23:34,760
And so...
1475
01:23:34,800 --> 01:23:37,320
Three, two, one... Go.
1476
01:23:48,000 --> 01:23:49,080
Funny.
1477
01:23:50,440 --> 01:23:51,920
As it turned out,
1478
01:23:51,960 --> 01:23:54,680
that would be the last
funny moment of the day.
1479
01:23:57,000 --> 01:23:58,800
Oh, my God!
1480
01:23:59,800 --> 01:24:02,400
Argh, fuck!
1481
01:24:02,440 --> 01:24:06,040
I'll try standing up, see if that helps.
With bent knee.
1482
01:24:06,080 --> 01:24:09,240
Oh, no! Oh, God.
1483
01:24:13,960 --> 01:24:16,920
God above,
this is just awful.
1484
01:24:18,160 --> 01:24:20,320
Oh!
1485
01:24:23,960 --> 01:24:25,600
I'm gonna throw up
at this rate,
1486
01:24:25,640 --> 01:24:27,160
not because of sea sickness
but because of
1487
01:24:27,200 --> 01:24:29,360
the amount of salt water
in my mouth.
1488
01:24:36,000 --> 01:24:37,000
[BLEEP]
1489
01:24:42,120 --> 01:24:43,520
No!
1490
01:24:57,920 --> 01:25:01,320
This is a lot worse than
I thought it was going to be.
1491
01:25:03,200 --> 01:25:05,120
It wasn't just
the rough seas.
1492
01:25:07,600 --> 01:25:11,000
We also had to weave our way
through the shipping lanes.
1493
01:25:12,080 --> 01:25:13,760
There's a large tanker
dead ahead.
1494
01:25:13,800 --> 01:25:15,920
Trawler off to my right.
1495
01:25:17,000 --> 01:25:18,680
Sheez.
1496
01:25:18,720 --> 01:25:22,840
I've managed to miss that massive
container ship. That's something.
1497
01:25:27,080 --> 01:25:30,000
$3.5 trillion worth of trade
1498
01:25:30,040 --> 01:25:32,360
comes through these waters
every year.
1499
01:25:32,400 --> 01:25:35,160
God knows how it isn't
all smashed to pieces
1500
01:25:35,200 --> 01:25:36,920
when it gets to its destination.
1501
01:25:42,120 --> 01:25:44,960
Jesus Christ.
1502
01:25:45,000 --> 01:25:48,360
If one big wave goes in there,
I'm gonna get very nose-heavy.
1503
01:25:48,400 --> 01:25:51,680
And I cannot realistically
get up there to put it back.
1504
01:25:54,120 --> 01:25:58,200
Meanwhile,
I'd finally managed to put my roof up...
1505
01:25:58,240 --> 01:26:01,240
Oh, yes. There's a chance.
There's a chance.
1506
01:26:01,280 --> 01:26:03,720
...which was time well spent.
1507
01:26:05,760 --> 01:26:07,880
Holy shit!
1508
01:26:11,040 --> 01:26:13,240
Ohh, bollocks.
1509
01:26:19,720 --> 01:26:23,520
Stop... doing... that!
1510
01:26:23,560 --> 01:26:27,320
The good news is,
Hammond, it can't be worse than this.
1511
01:26:32,320 --> 01:26:34,400
But it did get worse.
1512
01:26:44,160 --> 01:26:47,120
Ohh! Nora.
1513
01:26:50,440 --> 01:26:53,160
Sheez. This is stupid.
1514
01:26:54,840 --> 01:26:56,880
It's gonna snap.
1515
01:27:07,920 --> 01:27:10,680
I just pissed myself
standing up where I was.
1516
01:27:10,720 --> 01:27:13,320
Anything else
is not an option.
1517
01:27:14,600 --> 01:27:18,120
Oh! Freezing
and wet.
1518
01:27:23,720 --> 01:27:26,600
This is getting sketchy.
1519
01:27:26,640 --> 01:27:30,400
I'm not sure we can do this.
1520
01:27:30,440 --> 01:27:33,840
Certainly, one of our camera
boats was in very big trouble.
1521
01:27:35,400 --> 01:27:38,240
Bloody hell.
We're taking in too much water.
1522
01:27:38,280 --> 01:27:39,920
I don't know
if it's dangerous.
1523
01:27:39,960 --> 01:27:43,000
We'll never get there
at this rate.
1524
01:27:43,040 --> 01:27:46,840
And James had completely
lost control of his antique.
1525
01:27:46,880 --> 01:27:49,840
Oh! No, no, no, no, no!
Oh, no!
1526
01:28:11,840 --> 01:28:13,800
Oh, sake!
1527
01:28:14,880 --> 01:28:16,280
No!
1528
01:28:17,560 --> 01:28:20,120
Argh.
1529
01:28:20,160 --> 01:28:23,960
After 15 miles, the
sea started to calm a little
1530
01:28:24,000 --> 01:28:26,920
and I decided
to increase speed.
1531
01:28:28,520 --> 01:28:31,360
Come on,
you brave little soldier.
1532
01:28:31,400 --> 01:28:33,440
Come on, bite.
Bite, bite, bite.
1533
01:28:33,480 --> 01:28:35,080
Bite.
1534
01:28:37,920 --> 01:28:40,400
I can't stand
much more of this.
1535
01:28:40,440 --> 01:28:42,160
It's only a few miles!
1536
01:28:45,840 --> 01:28:48,640
Come on. I'm running in
fast now. I want this over.
1537
01:28:50,800 --> 01:28:52,640
Argh!
1538
01:28:52,680 --> 01:28:56,200
The top three worst things
I've ever done.
1539
01:28:56,240 --> 01:28:59,320
Mercifully, the finish
line, Vung Tau harbour,
1540
01:28:59,360 --> 01:29:01,000
then hoved into view.
1541
01:29:07,080 --> 01:29:09,120
Come on.
It can't be more than a mile.
1542
01:29:13,600 --> 01:29:15,080
Well, that's brilliant.
1543
01:29:15,120 --> 01:29:18,400
These last couple of hours
have damn nearly killed me.
1544
01:29:18,440 --> 01:29:20,360
They probably have
James and Richard.
1545
01:29:20,400 --> 01:29:21,960
I can't raise either
of them on the radio.
1546
01:29:22,000 --> 01:29:23,760
I don't know where they are.
1547
01:29:25,080 --> 01:29:28,000
I reached the jetty
very much alone.
1548
01:29:29,520 --> 01:29:31,320
Sorry, there's no
film crews with me.
1549
01:29:31,360 --> 01:29:33,880
Um, I don't know
where they are either.
1550
01:29:33,920 --> 01:29:37,120
But Richard Hammond
is arriving.
1551
01:29:37,160 --> 01:29:38,880
He's made it.
1552
01:29:47,160 --> 01:29:49,200
Normally we'd celebrate
the end of a journey,
1553
01:29:49,240 --> 01:29:52,080
but I'm not celebrating that.
Beyond brutal.
1554
01:29:52,120 --> 01:29:54,680
Yeah, that was the hardest
thing I've ever done.
1555
01:29:54,720 --> 01:29:58,520
Easily the hardest thing I've ever done.
The most dangerous.
1556
01:29:58,560 --> 01:30:01,840
After a film crew
arrived, we disembarked.
1557
01:30:03,640 --> 01:30:06,200
Have you really not heard
from James at all?
1558
01:30:06,240 --> 01:30:08,320
No, nothing.
1559
01:30:10,440 --> 01:30:14,000
But then, the Rover 90
hoved into view.
1560
01:30:15,840 --> 01:30:19,320
It could be coming with nobody on
it, like the Marie Celeste.
1561
01:30:19,360 --> 01:30:21,000
Well, I did wo...
No, he is there.
1562
01:30:21,040 --> 01:30:23,240
Look, there's a very
bedraggled dog at the helm.
1563
01:30:23,280 --> 01:30:24,640
Yeah.
1564
01:30:24,680 --> 01:30:26,160
Right.
1565
01:30:26,200 --> 01:30:28,320
We've been very worried
about you.
1566
01:30:28,360 --> 01:30:31,120
Have you? I was very worried
about me. But thank you.
1567
01:30:31,160 --> 01:30:33,360
Jeez.
1568
01:30:36,200 --> 01:30:39,320
I'm absolutely staggered
it's still there.
1569
01:30:39,360 --> 01:30:41,560
- But we have survived.
- Yeah.
1570
01:30:43,080 --> 01:30:45,720
And on that
terrible disappointment...
1571
01:30:45,760 --> 01:30:49,120
for Top Gear...
1572
01:30:49,160 --> 01:30:51,720
...it's time to say goodbye.
We'll be back.
1573
01:30:51,760 --> 01:30:53,800
- See you very soon.
- See you soon.
1574
01:30:54,162 --> 01:30:59,162
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