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1
00:00:01,634 --> 00:00:04,569
(theme song playing)
2
00:01:16,875 --> 00:01:18,443
ALEX:
Okay, count of three.
3
00:01:18,511 --> 00:01:20,778
One, two, three!
4
00:01:20,846 --> 00:01:22,046
Come on, Tony!
5
00:01:22,114 --> 00:01:24,048
(cheering)
6
00:01:28,955 --> 00:01:30,555
Down! Down!
7
00:01:30,623 --> 00:01:32,891
(cheering)
8
00:01:32,959 --> 00:01:35,026
The new champ, that's right!
9
00:01:35,093 --> 00:01:36,695
Now, fork over
that championship belt.
10
00:01:36,762 --> 00:01:37,895
Right now, hand it over.
11
00:01:37,963 --> 00:01:39,163
I lost it.
12
00:01:39,231 --> 00:01:40,565
You lost it?
13
00:01:40,633 --> 00:01:41,733
Then give me your belt.
14
00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:43,935
My belt?
What are you talking about?
15
00:01:44,003 --> 00:01:45,203
Don't be no sore loser.
16
00:01:45,270 --> 00:01:47,038
Fork it over.
17
00:01:47,807 --> 00:01:49,674
I did it! I did it!
18
00:01:49,742 --> 00:01:51,342
Thank you.
Hey, uh, nice sport.
19
00:01:51,410 --> 00:01:53,111
(laughing)
20
00:01:53,179 --> 00:01:54,812
Look at you!
Oh, come on.
21
00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:56,514
You're not going
to really wear that, are you?
22
00:01:56,582 --> 00:01:57,949
Yeah, I'll have it shortened.
23
00:01:58,017 --> 00:01:59,817
What's left, I'll use
to cover my steering wheel.
24
00:02:00,820 --> 00:02:02,120
Are you kidding, man?
25
00:02:02,187 --> 00:02:03,454
I'm proud of this thing.
26
00:02:03,522 --> 00:02:06,057
I had to beat
everybody in the garage.
27
00:02:06,125 --> 00:02:08,492
Oh, well,
you didn't beat me.
28
00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:10,428
Well, no, he's ducking you.
29
00:02:10,496 --> 00:02:11,596
Oh, I bet.
30
00:02:11,664 --> 00:02:13,698
Well, come on, Elaine.
I want to be fair.
31
00:02:13,766 --> 00:02:15,600
No!
32
00:02:15,668 --> 00:02:17,802
Come on, uh,
you can use two hands.
33
00:02:17,870 --> 00:02:19,237
No.
34
00:02:19,305 --> 00:02:21,539
Come on.
I-I-I'll start from here.
35
00:02:21,606 --> 00:02:22,941
Tony...
36
00:02:23,008 --> 00:02:24,409
Well, what are you,
all talk?
37
00:02:24,477 --> 00:02:25,576
Yeah, all talk?
38
00:02:27,013 --> 00:02:28,279
You're on!
39
00:02:28,347 --> 00:02:30,115
ALEX:
Uh-oh. Oh, I don't
believe this.
40
00:02:30,182 --> 00:02:31,916
Yeah. One more match.
41
00:02:31,984 --> 00:02:33,985
Oh, come on. You're not going
to really do this.
42
00:02:34,053 --> 00:02:35,052
Here's the belt.
43
00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:36,488
Well, oh, wait,
can I stand up?
44
00:02:36,556 --> 00:02:37,889
Sure.
45
00:02:37,957 --> 00:02:39,324
All right.
Stand up?
46
00:02:39,391 --> 00:02:41,292
Alex, this is a girl.
47
00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:43,394
I'm going to tear her arms off.
48
00:02:43,462 --> 00:02:44,762
(chuckles)
49
00:02:44,830 --> 00:02:46,664
Well, okay.
Just don't break a nail.
50
00:02:46,732 --> 00:02:48,666
Let's go. Two hands,
you heard him.
51
00:02:48,734 --> 00:02:50,168
I'm going to count to three.
Okay.
52
00:02:50,235 --> 00:02:51,736
Ready?
Piece of cake.
53
00:02:51,804 --> 00:02:53,604
One, two, three!
54
00:02:53,672 --> 00:02:55,606
(cheering)
55
00:02:55,674 --> 00:02:57,241
Come on.
You can do it.
56
00:02:57,309 --> 00:02:58,343
Alex.
ALEX:
Come on, Elaine!
57
00:02:58,411 --> 00:02:59,611
Push!
Alex.
58
00:02:59,678 --> 00:03:01,379
Come on, Elaine!
Harder! Harder!
59
00:03:01,447 --> 00:03:02,447
(cheering)
60
00:03:06,218 --> 00:03:09,154
All right! I'm the undisputed
champ of the garage!
61
00:03:09,221 --> 00:03:10,421
No, no, it wasn't fair.
62
00:03:10,489 --> 00:03:11,456
It wasn't fair, Elaine.
63
00:03:11,524 --> 00:03:12,757
Oh, good,
I'm the disputed
64
00:03:12,825 --> 00:03:14,091
champ of the garage.
(cheering)
65
00:03:15,328 --> 00:03:17,461
Nah, nah-nah,
nah-nah, nah.
66
00:03:17,529 --> 00:03:19,630
This isn't funny, Elaine.
Aww...
67
00:03:19,698 --> 00:03:21,131
Losing never is, kid.
68
00:03:22,268 --> 00:03:24,202
Whoa!
69
00:03:25,270 --> 00:03:27,538
Yay!
70
00:03:27,606 --> 00:03:29,607
Alex, you know that
wasn't fair, Alex.
71
00:03:29,675 --> 00:03:30,775
No, it wasn't fair.
72
00:03:30,843 --> 00:03:33,044
But then again,
life seldom is.
73
00:03:33,112 --> 00:03:35,246
(Louie laughs)
74
00:03:35,314 --> 00:03:37,749
And the most unfair part
is about to walk in.
75
00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:44,222
Banta!
(groans)
76
00:03:44,290 --> 00:03:46,591
Nardo told me what happened.
77
00:03:46,659 --> 00:03:49,694
Look, don't feel bad
about losing the championship.
78
00:03:49,761 --> 00:03:53,130
The most important thing
is she didn't hurt you.
79
00:03:53,198 --> 00:03:54,633
Did she?
80
00:03:54,700 --> 00:03:56,067
No, but she used two hands.
81
00:03:56,135 --> 00:03:58,502
I was tired. I had...
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
82
00:03:58,570 --> 00:04:00,104
She might hear you.
83
00:04:00,171 --> 00:04:02,773
If you rile her,
she could take you apart.
84
00:04:02,841 --> 00:04:04,575
Look.
85
00:04:04,643 --> 00:04:07,445
I, I know what I'll do
to cheer you up, Banta.
86
00:04:07,513 --> 00:04:09,547
I'll give you cab 714.
87
00:04:09,614 --> 00:04:11,782
It's got power steering.
88
00:04:13,084 --> 00:04:14,886
(thuds)
Ooh!
89
00:04:14,954 --> 00:04:16,854
Muscle, too, he's got...
90
00:04:16,922 --> 00:04:18,656
A woman beat him.
(laughs)
91
00:04:21,226 --> 00:04:22,394
(groans)
92
00:04:22,461 --> 00:04:23,895
Come on. It's funny.
93
00:04:23,963 --> 00:04:25,163
Not funny.
94
00:04:25,230 --> 00:04:28,733
You have to have a sense
of humor about these things.
95
00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:31,869
One of the most important things
in this life...
96
00:04:31,937 --> 00:04:34,205
just walked into the garage.
97
00:04:35,507 --> 00:04:37,041
Tony, you want a coffee?
Nah.
98
00:04:37,109 --> 00:04:38,943
I'll get you one.
99
00:04:39,010 --> 00:04:40,511
(tapping)
100
00:04:40,579 --> 00:04:42,347
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
101
00:04:42,415 --> 00:04:44,048
Oh, hello.
102
00:04:44,116 --> 00:04:45,550
Excuse me.
Can you help me?
103
00:04:45,617 --> 00:04:47,885
I'll die trying.
104
00:04:49,121 --> 00:04:51,355
I'm looking for a cabbie.
105
00:04:51,423 --> 00:04:55,560
Why settle for a cabbie
when you can have the top dog?
106
00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:01,366
Are you the top dog?
107
00:05:02,735 --> 00:05:04,335
Woof, woof.
108
00:05:05,570 --> 00:05:06,905
I'll settle for a cabbie.
109
00:05:06,972 --> 00:05:08,239
All right, that would be me.
I'm a cabbie.
110
00:05:08,307 --> 00:05:10,175
Hi, uh, uh...
Can I help you?
111
00:05:10,242 --> 00:05:11,843
Uh, what would you like?
(Louie grunts)
112
00:05:11,911 --> 00:05:14,812
Uh, to get as far away
from him as possible.
113
00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:15,914
I'll join you.
114
00:05:15,981 --> 00:05:18,148
Want some coffee?
Sure.
115
00:05:18,216 --> 00:05:19,617
Oh, uh, I'm Alex Rieger.
116
00:05:19,685 --> 00:05:21,820
Diane McKenna.
Nice to see you.
117
00:05:21,887 --> 00:05:23,054
So, uh, what brings you
118
00:05:23,122 --> 00:05:25,056
to this private,
little hell of ours?
119
00:05:25,124 --> 00:05:27,925
Well, do you know
Jim Ignatowski?
120
00:05:27,993 --> 00:05:29,827
Jim Ignatow--
sure, I do.
121
00:05:29,895 --> 00:05:31,161
Oh, good.
122
00:05:31,229 --> 00:05:32,864
Well, I'm an old friend of his.
123
00:05:32,932 --> 00:05:34,198
Of course,
I haven't seen him
124
00:05:34,266 --> 00:05:36,734
since we lived on the same
commune in the '60s.
125
00:05:36,801 --> 00:05:38,737
You lived on
a commune? You?
126
00:05:38,804 --> 00:05:41,205
Yeah.
127
00:05:41,273 --> 00:05:43,708
Of course, a lot of people
find that hard to believe.
128
00:05:43,776 --> 00:05:45,810
I guess they can't picture me
frolicking naked
129
00:05:45,878 --> 00:05:47,779
through the alfalfa sprouts.
130
00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:49,280
I can.
131
00:05:50,682 --> 00:05:53,017
I've been doing it
ever since you walked in here.
132
00:05:53,085 --> 00:05:56,087
I guess we're not as
far away as possible.
133
00:05:56,155 --> 00:05:57,855
I bet you they
never had anything
134
00:05:57,923 --> 00:05:59,190
like Louie on that commune.
135
00:05:59,257 --> 00:06:01,492
Oh, no, but, uh,
when we first got there,
136
00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:03,494
we did find
something similar
137
00:06:03,562 --> 00:06:04,596
living in the barn.
138
00:06:04,663 --> 00:06:05,663
(chuckles):
I know what you mean.
139
00:06:05,731 --> 00:06:07,298
(grumbles)
140
00:06:07,366 --> 00:06:08,933
That's cute,
that's real cute.
141
00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:10,935
(Alex laughing)
142
00:06:16,208 --> 00:06:18,743
Wait a minute.
143
00:06:23,582 --> 00:06:26,584
I haven't seen one of you
for 13 years.
144
00:06:28,753 --> 00:06:31,522
Jim!
145
00:06:31,590 --> 00:06:33,290
It must be her.
146
00:06:33,358 --> 00:06:35,693
Oh, Jim...
147
00:06:35,761 --> 00:06:37,295
You haven't changed a bit.
148
00:06:37,363 --> 00:06:39,363
Diane McKenna.
149
00:06:39,431 --> 00:06:40,898
I'm mad at you.
150
00:06:40,966 --> 00:06:43,201
What are you talking about?
151
00:06:43,268 --> 00:06:47,205
You were supposed
to meet me at Woodstock
152
00:06:47,273 --> 00:06:51,709
13 years ago,
but you never showed up.
153
00:06:51,777 --> 00:06:53,677
I was beginning to worry.
154
00:06:55,046 --> 00:06:57,047
Woodstock?
155
00:06:57,115 --> 00:06:58,416
Jim, don't you remember?
156
00:06:58,484 --> 00:07:00,285
Just before you left
for the concert,
157
00:07:00,352 --> 00:07:01,953
you gave me that speech
that convinced me
158
00:07:02,021 --> 00:07:04,622
to give up our way of life
and go back to school.
159
00:07:04,690 --> 00:07:05,857
I did?
160
00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:08,993
Yeah. You told me
I didn't fit in and...
161
00:07:09,061 --> 00:07:10,594
that I never would.
162
00:07:10,662 --> 00:07:14,532
No, no, I was talking
about the Volkswagen.
163
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:16,835
We already had 12 people.
164
00:07:16,902 --> 00:07:20,171
I assumed you'd
find another ride.
165
00:07:20,239 --> 00:07:23,374
Well, maybe you were
talking about the Volkswagen
166
00:07:23,442 --> 00:07:26,277
at that particular moment,
but you always did tell me
167
00:07:26,345 --> 00:07:27,545
I should go
to law school.
168
00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:30,715
Yeah, but after the concert.
169
00:07:35,588 --> 00:07:38,022
How did you do
in law school?
170
00:07:38,090 --> 00:07:41,125
Well, I graduated
from Stanford,
171
00:07:41,192 --> 00:07:44,028
third in my class.
172
00:07:44,096 --> 00:07:46,698
Well, you always
were lazy.
173
00:07:49,067 --> 00:07:51,702
Jim, uh, can I take you
someplace
174
00:07:51,770 --> 00:07:54,204
where I can buy you a drink?
175
00:07:54,272 --> 00:07:56,040
Oh, sure.
176
00:07:56,108 --> 00:07:58,709
Uh, how about a bar?
177
00:08:05,384 --> 00:08:06,918
Bye, Alex.
Nice meeting you.
178
00:08:06,985 --> 00:08:08,786
Yeah, you, too.
179
00:08:11,690 --> 00:08:13,824
How do you like that?
180
00:08:13,892 --> 00:08:16,461
Beauty and the Bean Brain.
181
00:08:19,398 --> 00:08:20,664
Hey, Alex?
182
00:08:20,732 --> 00:08:22,566
You really liked her,
didn't you?
Huh?
183
00:08:22,634 --> 00:08:24,602
Yeah, I thought she was, uh,
pretty attractive.
184
00:08:24,669 --> 00:08:26,804
I mean, I'm not going to,
uh, you know,
185
00:08:26,872 --> 00:08:28,940
go crazy
over a chance encounter.
186
00:08:29,007 --> 00:08:30,174
I mean, I'm just
going to take it
187
00:08:30,242 --> 00:08:31,675
one step at a time
and see what happens.
188
00:08:31,743 --> 00:08:33,410
And now, if
you'll excuse me,
189
00:08:33,478 --> 00:08:35,246
I'm going to have her name
tattooed on my face.
190
00:09:11,116 --> 00:09:13,150
(burps)
191
00:09:17,556 --> 00:09:21,058
(humming)
192
00:09:21,126 --> 00:09:23,094
Will you knock it off?
193
00:09:23,162 --> 00:09:25,395
You know, you're sick.
You're really sick.
194
00:09:25,463 --> 00:09:27,398
Sick.
195
00:09:32,404 --> 00:09:34,238
What are you
doing now?
196
00:09:34,306 --> 00:09:36,340
I'm giving you
the belt back.
197
00:09:37,810 --> 00:09:40,378
Yeah, well, I ain't
taking it back.
198
00:09:40,445 --> 00:09:42,513
Not without a rematch.
199
00:09:42,581 --> 00:09:44,548
You're on.
200
00:09:44,616 --> 00:09:46,116
You got it.
(laughs)
201
00:09:46,184 --> 00:09:48,185
You know, wait, Tony,
you know, if you beat me,
202
00:09:48,253 --> 00:09:50,755
I mean, all you've done
is beaten a woman and nobody
203
00:09:50,823 --> 00:09:52,857
around this garage is going
to put you on their shoulders.
204
00:09:52,925 --> 00:09:54,158
Yeah, yeah, but I'm going
to give you
205
00:09:54,226 --> 00:09:56,227
the same advantage I gave you
last time, see, Elaine?
206
00:09:56,294 --> 00:09:57,561
I'm going to start from here.
207
00:09:57,629 --> 00:09:59,897
You can use two hands
and you can stand up.
208
00:09:59,965 --> 00:10:01,565
Okay, it's a big advantage.
209
00:10:01,633 --> 00:10:03,868
Ah-ah, all right, I still don't
think I can beat you.
210
00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:06,304
But just on the outside chance
that I can--
211
00:10:06,372 --> 00:10:09,173
(chuckles) you are never
going to live it down.
Yeah, yeah.
212
00:10:09,241 --> 00:10:10,607
Yeah, well, let me tell
you something.
213
00:10:10,675 --> 00:10:12,043
I ain't losing this time,
What? What?
214
00:10:12,110 --> 00:10:13,444
'cause last time I was tired.
Oh.
215
00:10:13,512 --> 00:10:15,413
You're dead meat.
Get over here.
Ooh.
216
00:10:15,481 --> 00:10:19,516
You know, you do look a little
tired today, too, Tony.
217
00:10:19,584 --> 00:10:21,485
Okay, on three.
218
00:10:21,553 --> 00:10:23,620
One.
Well, you know what, uh, uh...
219
00:10:23,688 --> 00:10:25,122
I had, like, a rough night
last night.
220
00:10:25,190 --> 00:10:26,290
I didn't get much sleep.
221
00:10:26,358 --> 00:10:28,526
Oh... Two.
222
00:10:28,593 --> 00:10:31,395
And I skipped lunch.
223
00:10:31,463 --> 00:10:33,564
Three.
Keep, keep the belt.
224
00:10:33,632 --> 00:10:35,566
(chuckles)
225
00:10:36,802 --> 00:10:38,736
(muttering)
226
00:10:40,472 --> 00:10:41,572
Hey, Tony? Tony?
227
00:10:41,639 --> 00:10:42,940
Jim in yet?
228
00:10:43,008 --> 00:10:45,476
Alex, that's the third time
you asked me that. No.
229
00:10:45,543 --> 00:10:47,044
I know. I'm sorry
I'm so impatient.
230
00:10:47,112 --> 00:10:48,913
I just wanted to get
Diane's number from him.
231
00:10:50,415 --> 00:10:55,252
Welcome to today's episode
of As The Loser Turns.
232
00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:57,555
The daily drama
233
00:10:57,623 --> 00:11:00,524
that chronicles
the sad and frustrating
234
00:11:00,592 --> 00:11:04,428
sex life of our lonely hero,
Alex Rieger.
235
00:11:04,496 --> 00:11:06,230
Will you knock it off?!
236
00:11:06,298 --> 00:11:08,499
Alex's nerves are frayed
237
00:11:08,567 --> 00:11:12,703
after a sleepless night
of torment and lust
238
00:11:12,771 --> 00:11:17,108
over a woman who wants him
as much as she wants ringworm.
239
00:11:19,077 --> 00:11:20,444
Jim, Jim. Uh...
240
00:11:20,512 --> 00:11:21,679
I want to tell
you something.
241
00:11:21,746 --> 00:11:23,147
Huh?
242
00:11:23,215 --> 00:11:26,750
You remember when that girl
Diane walked in here yesterday?
243
00:11:26,818 --> 00:11:28,251
You know...
(chuckles)
244
00:11:28,319 --> 00:11:30,354
I had this feeling
of electricity
245
00:11:30,421 --> 00:11:31,789
just run through
me, you know?
246
00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:33,491
Electricity, huh?
Yeah.
247
00:11:33,559 --> 00:11:35,492
And I-I-I didn't know
how to deal with it.
248
00:11:35,560 --> 00:11:37,861
Uh... Have you tried
fabric softener?
249
00:11:39,031 --> 00:11:41,231
Jim, Jim...
I, um...
250
00:11:43,434 --> 00:11:46,103
I just... I just want to
get to know her better.
251
00:11:46,171 --> 00:11:47,972
Oh, you should.
252
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,308
Yeah, she's a wonderful girl.
253
00:11:50,375 --> 00:11:51,442
Yeah, I...
I think so.
254
00:11:51,510 --> 00:11:53,277
I'll call her and set it up.
255
00:11:53,345 --> 00:11:54,445
No, no, just give me
her number. I'll call.
256
00:11:54,512 --> 00:11:56,614
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no. My treat.
257
00:11:56,681 --> 00:11:58,048
No, come on, Jim. I
couldn't ask you to do that.
258
00:11:58,116 --> 00:11:59,217
I really should.
259
00:11:59,284 --> 00:12:01,785
No, not another word.
260
00:12:03,388 --> 00:12:06,056
Incidentally,
I have a simple device
261
00:12:06,124 --> 00:12:08,626
for memorizing phone numbers.
262
00:12:08,694 --> 00:12:11,996
I assign each digit a letter
263
00:12:12,063 --> 00:12:13,898
and make an easy-to-remember
word out of it.
264
00:12:13,966 --> 00:12:16,600
For instance,
her number is "fblwrkz."
265
00:12:20,839 --> 00:12:22,973
Hello, Diane.
266
00:12:23,041 --> 00:12:26,009
Uh, are you, uh, free
for dinner tonight?
267
00:12:26,077 --> 00:12:27,311
Oh, good.
268
00:12:27,379 --> 00:12:29,013
How does burgers
and beer sound?
269
00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:30,481
No, no, no, no.
Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
270
00:12:30,549 --> 00:12:31,648
Huh?
271
00:12:31,716 --> 00:12:32,717
Uh, something intimate
and romantic.
272
00:12:32,784 --> 00:12:33,884
A fine French meal.
273
00:12:33,952 --> 00:12:38,256
Uh-huh. How does
a, uh, fine French meal sound?
274
00:12:38,323 --> 00:12:39,690
Oh, great.
275
00:12:39,758 --> 00:12:41,392
Chez Robert. 8:00.
276
00:12:41,459 --> 00:12:43,694
Chez Robert. 8:00.
277
00:12:43,762 --> 00:12:46,697
Can't wait to see you.
Bye, Diane.
278
00:12:46,764 --> 00:12:47,565
Wait, Jim!
279
00:12:47,632 --> 00:12:48,498
Oh, wait, Diane!
280
00:12:48,566 --> 00:12:49,567
What about me?
281
00:12:49,635 --> 00:12:50,601
What about you?
282
00:12:50,668 --> 00:12:52,803
Jim, I thought
this whole thing was
283
00:12:52,871 --> 00:12:54,405
for me to have dinner
with Diane.
284
00:12:59,077 --> 00:13:03,347
Uh, Diane, do you mind
if Alex comes along?
285
00:13:03,415 --> 00:13:05,783
No...
286
00:13:05,850 --> 00:13:07,351
You're set.
Thanks.
287
00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:11,989
Au revoir.
288
00:13:14,325 --> 00:13:16,794
Well, Alex,
you got your wish.
289
00:13:16,862 --> 00:13:19,696
An intimate,
romantic dinner for three.
290
00:13:19,764 --> 00:13:22,032
Yeah, thanks, Jim.
291
00:13:22,100 --> 00:13:24,335
You owe me one.
292
00:13:26,705 --> 00:13:28,272
Well, at least
I'm having dinner with her.
293
00:13:28,340 --> 00:13:30,207
Hey, at least
it's a start, right?
294
00:13:30,275 --> 00:13:34,811
Will our lonely, frustrated
hero, Alex Reiger,
295
00:13:34,879 --> 00:13:40,550
make a fool of himself
at the Chez Ptomaine restaurant?
296
00:13:40,618 --> 00:13:43,254
Will he get lucky
with the lady lawyer
297
00:13:43,322 --> 00:13:44,922
or will he wind up
298
00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:47,491
with her heel
in his eye?
299
00:13:47,559 --> 00:13:51,261
Tune in tomorrow
when we'll hear Reiger say...
300
00:13:51,329 --> 00:13:52,530
How would you like me
to shove that microphone
301
00:13:52,597 --> 00:13:54,098
right down your throat?
302
00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:55,799
All that and more
303
00:13:55,867 --> 00:14:00,937
on tomorrow's episode
of As The Loser Turns.
304
00:14:10,948 --> 00:14:12,449
(electronic beeping)
305
00:14:12,517 --> 00:14:14,985
I mean, there's nothing worse
than putting all that effort
306
00:14:15,053 --> 00:14:16,653
into a case and then losing.
307
00:14:16,721 --> 00:14:19,089
Yeah, I can imagine.
308
00:14:19,157 --> 00:14:23,294
And sometimes my clients
blame me for their convictions.
309
00:14:23,362 --> 00:14:24,695
Excusezmoi, monsieur,
310
00:14:24,763 --> 00:14:27,798
but the other customers are
complaining about the noise.
311
00:14:29,868 --> 00:14:31,668
Uh, no problem.
I'll turn it down.
312
00:14:31,736 --> 00:14:34,505
No, no, no, it's not
the noise of the game, monsieur.
313
00:14:34,572 --> 00:14:38,009
It's the "yahoos,"
the "yipees," and the "gotchas."
314
00:14:38,076 --> 00:14:41,679
Oh. I'll turn down
my volume, too.
315
00:14:41,746 --> 00:14:43,681
Merci.
316
00:14:45,283 --> 00:14:46,950
Classy place.
317
00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:51,955
You were, uh...
You were saying
318
00:14:52,023 --> 00:14:54,525
that, uh, your clients blame
you when they're convicted.
319
00:14:54,593 --> 00:14:55,759
Oh, yes.
320
00:14:55,827 --> 00:14:58,496
Yes, in fact, one guy
even stood up and said,
321
00:14:58,563 --> 00:15:01,498
"I'm gonna get you if
it's the last thing I do."
322
00:15:01,566 --> 00:15:02,667
No kidding?
323
00:15:02,734 --> 00:15:04,101
What happened?
He got me.
324
00:15:04,169 --> 00:15:05,469
He did?
325
00:15:05,537 --> 00:15:06,937
He wasn't a murderer.
326
00:15:07,005 --> 00:15:08,105
He was a flasher.
327
00:15:09,341 --> 00:15:10,340
(chuckling):
Oh.
328
00:15:10,408 --> 00:15:13,010
(whispering):
Yahoo! Yippee! Gottcha!
329
00:15:13,078 --> 00:15:14,344
What happened?
330
00:15:14,412 --> 00:15:16,346
I zapped a Martian mushball.
331
00:15:18,116 --> 00:15:20,851
You know, you know, I was always
fascinated by the law.
332
00:15:20,919 --> 00:15:22,319
Oh.
333
00:15:22,387 --> 00:15:24,655
Yeah, I mean, you get to save
people's lives, you know?
334
00:15:24,723 --> 00:15:26,423
The only thing I ever do
for my fellow man
335
00:15:26,491 --> 00:15:28,025
is get him
to the airport on time.
336
00:15:28,093 --> 00:15:30,894
But I have had some,
uh, very interesting
337
00:15:30,962 --> 00:15:32,596
experiences as a cab driver.
338
00:15:32,664 --> 00:15:34,898
I mean, you have to have
interesting experiences
339
00:15:34,966 --> 00:15:36,433
as a cab driver.
(laughs)
340
00:15:36,501 --> 00:15:37,668
You know, there are some, uh,
341
00:15:37,736 --> 00:15:40,571
strange, bizarre
characters in the city.
342
00:15:40,638 --> 00:15:42,573
Yeah, that's why
I keep my door locked.
343
00:15:47,612 --> 00:15:48,813
You know, just the other day...
344
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:50,714
Just the other day,
this guy gets in my cab...
345
00:15:50,782 --> 00:15:52,583
Uh, no, wait a minute,
that's not interesting.
346
00:15:52,650 --> 00:15:53,750
Um, no.
347
00:15:53,818 --> 00:15:55,919
Oh, yeah, there was this woman,
348
00:15:55,987 --> 00:15:57,354
she gets in the cab
and she tries...
349
00:15:57,422 --> 00:15:58,555
No, no, that wasn't good.
350
00:15:58,623 --> 00:16:00,590
Um, oh, got it! Got it.
351
00:16:00,658 --> 00:16:01,759
There was this couple.
352
00:16:01,827 --> 00:16:03,227
They flagged me down.
No, wait a minute.
353
00:16:03,294 --> 00:16:04,394
That didn't happen to me.
354
00:16:04,462 --> 00:16:06,563
Uh, don't worry.
I'll think of one.
355
00:16:06,631 --> 00:16:07,931
Excuse me, Alex.
356
00:16:07,999 --> 00:16:09,166
Where is the ladies' room?
357
00:16:09,234 --> 00:16:11,468
To the right
of the pay phone.
358
00:16:11,535 --> 00:16:13,070
Will you excuse me?
359
00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:17,107
Yeah, sure.
360
00:16:17,174 --> 00:16:18,209
Oh, I remember one.
361
00:16:18,276 --> 00:16:19,576
I'll be back.
It'll keep.
362
00:16:22,780 --> 00:16:25,282
You like Diane,
don't you, Alex?
363
00:16:25,350 --> 00:16:26,716
Yeah, I do.
I really do.
364
00:16:26,784 --> 00:16:29,286
Hey, listen, Jim,
um, you know,
365
00:16:29,354 --> 00:16:31,788
when I said that I wanted
to get to know Diane better,
366
00:16:31,856 --> 00:16:36,894
I was, uh, hoping for an evening
with just the two of us.
367
00:16:36,962 --> 00:16:39,997
Well, it's not too late, Alex.
368
00:16:40,064 --> 00:16:41,999
I'll send her home.
369
00:16:45,403 --> 00:16:48,638
I was talking
about just her and me.
370
00:16:48,706 --> 00:16:53,143
Oh. You should get
to know each other.
371
00:16:53,211 --> 00:16:54,978
Yeah.
372
00:16:55,046 --> 00:16:57,548
I want you two
to be friends.
373
00:16:57,616 --> 00:16:58,749
Thanks, Jim.
I'll leave.
374
00:16:58,816 --> 00:17:00,617
No, no, no. You can't
leave now. It'll...
375
00:17:00,685 --> 00:17:02,419
Not in the middle of dinner.
It'll be awkward.
376
00:17:02,487 --> 00:17:03,687
It won't be awkward.
377
00:17:03,755 --> 00:17:05,089
Just tell her I'm sick.
378
00:17:05,157 --> 00:17:06,891
No, no, no. That would
sound a little phony.
379
00:17:06,958 --> 00:17:08,425
I mean, I don't think
she'd believe that.
380
00:17:08,493 --> 00:17:12,196
She'll believe it if she asks
any of these folks here.
381
00:17:12,263 --> 00:17:14,231
Huh?
382
00:17:15,467 --> 00:17:18,102
Oh!
Jim!
383
00:17:18,170 --> 00:17:22,606
Oh, oh, my stomach!
Jim.
384
00:17:22,673 --> 00:17:25,509
My guts are going
to explode. Oh!
385
00:17:25,577 --> 00:17:28,178
Jim. Jim, please.
386
00:17:29,380 --> 00:17:31,781
What's in the veal?
387
00:17:31,849 --> 00:17:34,885
Oh, I'm going home!
388
00:17:34,953 --> 00:17:37,921
I've got a stomach pump there.
389
00:17:43,328 --> 00:17:44,628
Everything's fine.
390
00:17:44,695 --> 00:17:48,231
Uh, believe me,
everything is fine.
391
00:17:48,299 --> 00:17:49,400
Oh.
392
00:17:49,467 --> 00:17:50,400
Where's Jim?
393
00:17:50,468 --> 00:17:53,504
Uh, he left.
He wanted us to be alone.
394
00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:55,438
He-He made believe
he was sick.
395
00:17:55,506 --> 00:17:56,807
I mean, you should
have seen that one.
396
00:17:56,875 --> 00:17:58,008
No.
He did everything
397
00:17:58,076 --> 00:18:00,377
but make his head revolve
and spit up pea soup.
398
00:18:00,445 --> 00:18:02,379
I don't understand.
399
00:18:02,447 --> 00:18:03,947
Don't try to understand it.
400
00:18:04,015 --> 00:18:06,850
I mean, on the Ignatowski scale
of weird, it was just a three.
401
00:18:06,917 --> 00:18:09,186
Please.
402
00:18:09,254 --> 00:18:10,421
He's all right, he's all right.
403
00:18:10,489 --> 00:18:11,688
I mean, all the guys
down at the garage think,
404
00:18:11,756 --> 00:18:12,823
you know, he's wonderful.
405
00:18:12,890 --> 00:18:14,858
We all think
he's adorable.
406
00:18:14,926 --> 00:18:17,895
Because what he lacks up here,
he's got right here.
407
00:18:17,962 --> 00:18:20,363
But listen, you know,
I have to admit I'm, uh...
408
00:18:20,431 --> 00:18:22,199
I'm really glad
he's not here right now.
409
00:18:22,267 --> 00:18:25,202
What do you mean,
"What he lacks up here?"
410
00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:27,337
Well, you know,
he's-he's a flake.
411
00:18:27,405 --> 00:18:28,938
He's kind of spacey.
I mean, uh...
412
00:18:29,006 --> 00:18:30,174
Oh.
413
00:18:30,241 --> 00:18:33,043
His porch light has been
flickering for years,
414
00:18:33,111 --> 00:18:34,477
if you know what I mean.
415
00:18:36,515 --> 00:18:38,048
But let's not
talk about Jim.
416
00:18:38,116 --> 00:18:41,618
Listen, Diane, uh, you know,
I've known a lot of women,
417
00:18:41,686 --> 00:18:44,454
but, uh, I think
you're kind of special.
418
00:18:44,522 --> 00:18:46,557
I mean, you're bright,
you're beautiful.
419
00:18:46,624 --> 00:18:48,124
I got a...
I-I really have to, uh...
420
00:18:48,192 --> 00:18:49,393
You know, when you walked
into that garage,
421
00:18:49,461 --> 00:18:50,627
I must tell you...
422
00:18:50,695 --> 00:18:51,995
Uh, Alex. Uh,
before you go on,
423
00:18:52,063 --> 00:18:54,031
I must tell you something.
424
00:18:54,098 --> 00:18:55,632
I am involved with someone.
425
00:18:55,700 --> 00:18:57,401
Oh, how involved?
426
00:18:57,468 --> 00:19:00,603
Emotionally
and physically involved.
427
00:19:00,671 --> 00:19:02,473
Oh.
428
00:19:02,541 --> 00:19:05,309
Anyone I know?
(chuckles)
429
00:19:05,376 --> 00:19:07,110
Yes.
430
00:19:07,178 --> 00:19:10,781
The, uh, flake with
the flickering porch light?
431
00:19:13,385 --> 00:19:14,518
Jim?
432
00:19:19,323 --> 00:19:21,291
Will there be anything else,
monsieur?
433
00:19:21,359 --> 00:19:24,761
Yes, I'd like a small glass
of poison, please.
434
00:19:24,829 --> 00:19:26,763
Anything for you?
435
00:19:26,831 --> 00:19:31,702
(doorbell ringing repeatedly)
436
00:19:32,937 --> 00:19:34,905
Yeah, yeah.
I said, "Wait a minute."
437
00:19:34,972 --> 00:19:37,308
(ringing continues)
438
00:19:37,375 --> 00:19:39,243
Who is it?
439
00:19:39,310 --> 00:19:41,245
JIM:
The flake!
440
00:19:45,316 --> 00:19:49,119
Remember me,
the weirdo?
441
00:19:49,186 --> 00:19:50,621
Huh.
442
00:19:50,689 --> 00:19:53,523
The-The man with the
flickering porch lights.
443
00:19:57,028 --> 00:19:59,162
The man you call spacey.
444
00:19:59,230 --> 00:20:01,765
I made a mistake.
I made a mistake.
445
00:20:01,833 --> 00:20:04,301
I'll explain it all tomorrow
446
00:20:04,368 --> 00:20:06,703
and you'll see that maybe if you
told me about you and Diane...
447
00:20:06,771 --> 00:20:09,973
I don't want
an explanation.
448
00:20:10,041 --> 00:20:12,109
It doesn't matter why
you said those things.
449
00:20:12,176 --> 00:20:13,977
All I know is
that you said them
450
00:20:14,045 --> 00:20:17,180
and that means
you don't love me.
451
00:20:21,252 --> 00:20:23,320
Oh, Jim, it's very late.
452
00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:26,055
Admit, Alex.
You don't love me, do you?
453
00:20:26,123 --> 00:20:30,093
Jim, I don't know if I love
anybody at 3:00 in the morning.
454
00:20:30,161 --> 00:20:32,295
Look, I'm not going to baby you.
455
00:20:32,363 --> 00:20:35,232
Sometimes I like you, and
sometimes you get on my nerves.
456
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:36,500
I know that I like you,
457
00:20:36,567 --> 00:20:37,968
but I don't know
if I love you right now.
458
00:20:38,036 --> 00:20:39,402
Well, I know.
459
00:20:39,470 --> 00:20:42,306
You don't love me or you
wouldn't call me a flake.
460
00:20:42,374 --> 00:20:43,607
But you are a flake.
461
00:20:45,443 --> 00:20:48,245
And all I mean by that is
you've done some strange things.
462
00:20:48,313 --> 00:20:49,446
Name one!
463
00:20:50,715 --> 00:20:51,815
Huh?
464
00:20:51,883 --> 00:20:54,184
You lived in a condemned
building for four years.
465
00:20:54,251 --> 00:20:57,620
You're confusing flakiness
with style.
466
00:21:00,925 --> 00:21:02,492
You burned down
Louie's apartment.
467
00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:03,994
It was an accident.
468
00:21:04,062 --> 00:21:06,196
I left something
on the stove for too long.
469
00:21:06,264 --> 00:21:08,799
Yeah, a beanbag chair.
470
00:21:08,866 --> 00:21:11,902
And you kept a broken-down
racehorse in your own apartment.
471
00:21:11,970 --> 00:21:13,403
That horse had a name.
472
00:21:13,471 --> 00:21:14,838
I know. Gary.
473
00:21:14,906 --> 00:21:17,007
And you let him sleep
in your bedroom.
474
00:21:17,075 --> 00:21:19,376
Well, not everybody
has a guest room, Alex.
475
00:21:19,444 --> 00:21:21,712
Jim! Jim!
476
00:21:21,780 --> 00:21:25,115
You hung on the wall in a
radiation suit for three days,
477
00:21:25,183 --> 00:21:27,251
thinking it was a sleeping bag.
478
00:21:27,318 --> 00:21:28,418
I did?
479
00:21:28,486 --> 00:21:29,352
Yeah.
480
00:21:29,420 --> 00:21:30,721
Ha!
481
00:21:30,788 --> 00:21:31,955
Oh, my...
482
00:21:32,023 --> 00:21:34,525
Ha! Boy, I'm a lunatic!
483
00:21:37,028 --> 00:21:39,563
Do you remember
cutting up your own van?
484
00:21:39,631 --> 00:21:42,065
What did I do with it?
485
00:21:42,133 --> 00:21:45,269
You made a sculpture out of it.
That's what you did with it.
486
00:21:45,336 --> 00:21:47,738
(laughing)
Oh, no!
487
00:21:47,806 --> 00:21:48,939
Oh, my!
488
00:21:49,006 --> 00:21:51,074
You know what my favorite
one of all time was?
489
00:21:51,142 --> 00:21:54,244
Uh, no, but I
wish I did.
490
00:21:54,312 --> 00:21:56,480
It wasn't something you did,
it was something you said.
491
00:21:56,548 --> 00:21:59,116
I mean, it wasn't just funny,
it was quotable.
492
00:21:59,183 --> 00:22:01,284
It was so priceless,
I repeated it to everybody.
493
00:22:01,352 --> 00:22:03,921
You told me that if you
could be anybody in the world,
494
00:22:03,988 --> 00:22:05,188
you'd still be yourself,
495
00:22:05,256 --> 00:22:07,925
so you wouldn't have
to buy new clothes.
496
00:22:07,992 --> 00:22:09,927
(laughing)
497
00:22:13,731 --> 00:22:14,831
(sighs)
498
00:22:14,899 --> 00:22:16,533
You remember that?
499
00:22:16,601 --> 00:22:19,236
Yeah.
500
00:22:19,304 --> 00:22:21,471
You quote me?
501
00:22:21,538 --> 00:22:23,840
Yeah.
502
00:22:23,908 --> 00:22:26,743
You remember little
things about me
503
00:22:26,811 --> 00:22:29,245
that I don't even
remember, myself.
504
00:22:29,313 --> 00:22:32,182
Well...
505
00:22:32,250 --> 00:22:35,686
You think I'm a flake,
506
00:22:35,753 --> 00:22:38,388
but you love me.
507
00:22:41,292 --> 00:22:45,329
My God, I think I do.
508
00:22:45,396 --> 00:22:48,966
Well, I'm glad
that's settled.
509
00:22:49,033 --> 00:22:50,968
Yeah.
510
00:22:53,404 --> 00:22:56,507
I better go back to Diane.
511
00:22:56,574 --> 00:23:00,643
She thinks I'm in the bathroom,
brushing my teeth.
512
00:23:03,247 --> 00:23:04,781
Good night.
Good night.
513
00:23:24,269 --> 00:23:28,438
(theme song playing)
514
00:23:48,459 --> 00:23:49,759
WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!
515
00:23:49,827 --> 00:23:50,927
(man grumbling)
35078
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