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[ Static ]
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00:00:04,105 --> 00:00:06,065
[ Country music plays ]
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♪ My dreams are all dead
and buried ♪
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♪ Sometimes I wish that sun
would just explode ♪
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00:00:14,248 --> 00:00:18,718
♪ When God comes and calls me
to his Kingdom ♪
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♪ I'll take all you sons of
bitches when I go ♪
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[ Yodeling ]
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♪ I'll take all...
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-My turn.
-Hell no.
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00:00:29,930 --> 00:00:32,000
Hey, man, let me drive
that thing!
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Do not touch the trim!
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00:00:35,469 --> 00:00:36,899
There.
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00:00:36,937 --> 00:00:39,207
I've licked the barrel
so the bullet slides easy.
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Now put the gun to your ear
and click it a few times.
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[ Clicking ]
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You hear that empty sound?
-I think so.
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[ Clicking ] That there is how you
know your weapon ain't loaded.
18
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:51,088
And that concludes
our firearm safety for today.
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00:00:51,119 --> 00:00:53,549
Now, let's bag us
some horse meat.
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00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:55,387
[ Giggling ]
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[ Weedwacker whirs ]
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[ Whinnies ]
[ Gunshot ]
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God damn it!
Hey, dumbass!
24
00:01:00,628 --> 00:01:03,598
You scaring off all the horse
meat with your weed whacking.
25
00:01:03,631 --> 00:01:04,771
These is my weeds.
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00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:06,428
Don't you tell me
how to whack 'em.
27
00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:09,537
Well, they might be your weeds,
but you whacking 'em on my land!
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00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:12,440
Your land is trespassing
right on top of my land,
29
00:01:12,473 --> 00:01:15,883
and you need to get your land
the hell off of my land!
30
00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:18,379
Well, if it ain't
Dewey Duvall Jr.,
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trespassing on
Cuyler land.
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Early Cuyler --
I should have known it was you.
33
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From the fact that you's green
and have eight legs
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and I clearly recognized you
from knowing you before.
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00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:31,461
How's your daddy been,
36
00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:32,962
and all them other
ass-faced sumbitches
37
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in your family
that I hate?
38
00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:36,732
Oh, we ain't never been better.
Thanks for askin'.
39
00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:38,074
Until yesterday,
40
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,828
when daddy put a deer stand
in a cellphone tower
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00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:43,738
made out to look like a tree,
but it wasn't a tree at all,
42
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it was a cell phone tower,
43
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and he's dead 'cause the
radiation fried his brain.
44
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[ Sobbing ]
45
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Oh, goodness, Dewey.
46
00:01:51,312 --> 00:01:53,852
That's just too bad his brain
couldn't reject radiation
47
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the way my mama rejected
his pathetic romantic advances.
48
00:01:57,485 --> 00:01:59,985
Oh, your mama
didn't reject my daddy.
49
00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:01,020
Far from it.
50
00:02:01,054 --> 00:02:03,794
He milked that cow
like he owned it.
51
00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:05,934
He could start
a Greek-yogurt factory
52
00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:09,299
with all the milk he got off that cow.
Say that to my face!
53
00:02:09,330 --> 00:02:11,800
-I think I just did!
-Come a little closer.
54
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My face ain't heard it
close enough.
55
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Oh, I would, but I'm afraid
you'd try to kiss me
56
00:02:16,537 --> 00:02:21,037
and make love to me -- just like
your mama did with my daddy --
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over and over
and over and over again!
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00:02:25,045 --> 00:02:27,175
Rusty,
say what he said to my face
59
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so he can see that I won't try
to make love to him
60
00:02:29,717 --> 00:02:33,517
and kiss him all over, so he can say
it to my face later. All right.
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00:02:33,554 --> 00:02:35,864
He made a crude comparison
to Granny's love-making
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to milking a cow
and further implied
63
00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:39,358
that his daddy
didn't have to own a cow
64
00:02:39,393 --> 00:02:42,033
'cause he was getting a lot of sex
with Granny for free out of wedlock.
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00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:44,672
What that hell did your mouth
just say to me?!
66
00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:46,068
Now say it to the gun!
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00:02:46,099 --> 00:02:47,869
Now, if y'all Cuylers
are gonna fight,
68
00:02:47,901 --> 00:02:49,871
don't be doing it
on Duvall land.
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00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:52,543
It ain't your land!
You trespassing on Cuyler land.
70
00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:55,913
You're trespassing on Duvall land!
You're on my land!
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00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:58,213
-Get off my land!
-Get off my land!
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00:02:58,246 --> 00:03:01,046
Why don't you come over here
and say that to my face?!
73
00:03:01,081 --> 00:03:03,881
I would, but I might kiss you
and make love to you
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00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:07,017
like you said my mama done
to your daddy, but she didn't!
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00:03:07,054 --> 00:03:09,164
Daddy, I-I feel like we're
covering the same ground here.
76
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,859
I'm just repeating it to make
sure he gets what I'm saying.
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00:03:11,892 --> 00:03:15,002
[ Smooching ] What, that you won't
kiss me and make love to me?
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00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:17,498
Oh, I get that! That ain't
at all my damn point!
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00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:19,601
The point is
this is my goddamn land!
80
00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:22,573
-Daddy, we should probably go.
-No! They should probably go!
81
00:03:22,603 --> 00:03:24,043
We ain't going nowhere!
82
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We're here to bury my daddy
on Duvall land.
83
00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:28,007
Well, where you
gonna bury him?
84
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:30,441
I need to know so I don't spit
all over his grave,
85
00:03:30,478 --> 00:03:32,048
even though
you know I will.
86
00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:33,679
You ain't never
gonna find him.
87
00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:35,224
We're gonna bury him
so deep
88
00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:37,589
that his skeleton's
gonna be eating egg rolls
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with the Vietnamese.
90
00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:40,752
Right over there
by that headstone?
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00:03:40,788 --> 00:03:44,018
Damn it, I knew they'd find the
unmarked grave if we marked it.
92
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,927
You get them bones
off Cuyler land
93
00:03:45,959 --> 00:03:47,299
or I'm gonna get 'em off
for ya!
94
00:03:47,328 --> 00:03:50,528
Your verbalizations
don't intimidize us, Cuyler.
95
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:51,934
We gonna be watching you.
96
00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:54,795
Reverse psycho-somaticism.
You ain't gonna be watching,
97
00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:57,435
and that's exactly when I'm gonna
be here to flip that headstone.
98
00:03:57,471 --> 00:04:00,741
Go over there and flip it,
see what you might not get.
99
00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:03,935
Come on, Rusty,
let's go.
100
00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:06,447
I ain't gonna flip that
sumbitching pathetic gravestone,
101
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:09,120
'cause that's exactly
what you think I want me to do!
102
00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:11,549
We flipping that gravestone
right now!
103
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Ooh, fun!
104
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Who's final resting place
we gonna desecrate?
105
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Dewey Goddamn Junior
Senior Senior.
106
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:21,401
Dewdrop Honeydew?
He passed?!
107
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[ Sobbing ]
108
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Huh. That's a damn
weird-ass reaction.
109
00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:29,465
Seeing as how you rejected
Dewey Junior Senior Senior
110
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for my daddy.
111
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,811
So that stuff about free milk
was true?
112
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:35,640
Yes, baby.
The sex was mind-blowing
113
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[sniffles]
but I loved him.
114
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,151
I truly loved him.
115
00:04:39,179 --> 00:04:42,319
And by "him," she means your
granddaddy, not Dewey Duvall --
116
00:04:42,350 --> 00:04:43,320
Let me tell my story.
117
00:04:43,351 --> 00:04:45,351
I'll take the story
from here.
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00:04:45,386 --> 00:04:48,286
When Ga Ga Pee Pap was young,
he could charm the birds
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00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:49,922
straight out of
the sumbitching trees.
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Get out of that tree,
birds...
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[ Slurps ]
[ Click ]
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...and get into my mouth.
123
00:04:55,529 --> 00:04:59,169
Early: Your granny
was naturally drawn to Ga Ga.
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00:04:59,199 --> 00:05:02,499
Daddy, I'd like to ask
my sister's hand in marriage.
125
00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:05,966
Well,
let me think on it.
126
00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:08,506
Okay.
I think that will work.
127
00:05:08,542 --> 00:05:10,682
Hot damn.
Let's do this.
128
00:05:10,711 --> 00:05:13,611
Well, this is a big decision.
I-I think I need more time.
129
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:16,847
You already 14.
How much more time do you need?
130
00:05:16,884 --> 00:05:21,524
Early: As the years passed, their
love fermented into the finest wine.
131
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But Dewey Duvall come along
132
00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:25,490
and tried to sever
my parents' special bond.
133
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Mm!
134
00:05:28,228 --> 00:05:29,458
What the
[bottle shatters]
135
00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:30,857
Look at my favorite robe.
136
00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:33,798
You warshed it
with my rebel flags.
137
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:36,044
I'll look like a fool
at the cross-burning.
138
00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:37,869
It ain't even
Breast Cancer Month.
139
00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:41,035
Bleach my robe
and warsh my laundries
140
00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:42,714
better than
you have been doing.
141
00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:47,253
Look at this. I'm -- I'm gonna
look like I ain't got no sense.
142
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,680
Back in those days, Rusty,
you stayed together,
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00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:51,217
even if
you weren't happy.
144
00:05:51,251 --> 00:05:53,051
And you was very happy
with daddy!
145
00:05:53,086 --> 00:05:54,516
So that's a puzzling thing
to say.
146
00:05:54,555 --> 00:05:57,555
Sexually satisfied, too,
from what I hear.
147
00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:59,891
Oh, yeah. I'm done.
148
00:05:59,927 --> 00:06:01,857
I am the best at sex.
149
00:06:01,895 --> 00:06:03,725
Tell the boy.
150
00:06:03,764 --> 00:06:07,234
You know what? We are all
out of hay, I just noticed.
151
00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:09,397
I should go over
to Duvall's barn
152
00:06:09,437 --> 00:06:13,307
and borrow more hay for us
so we can have hay.
153
00:06:14,775 --> 00:06:16,575
I'm the king of sex.
154
00:06:16,610 --> 00:06:18,950
What Dewey and I had
was real!
155
00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:21,849
Oh, real, huh?
Real like your hay collection?
156
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:24,222
[ Screaming ]
[ Grunting ]
157
00:06:24,251 --> 00:06:27,721
Woman, you've been
collecting hay all night.
158
00:06:27,755 --> 00:06:29,255
But the only hay
you bring home
159
00:06:29,289 --> 00:06:31,929
seems to be in your hair
and stuck to your back.
160
00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:35,099
Also, he's nude.
161
00:06:35,128 --> 00:06:37,358
Early:
And so Dewey and Ga Ga
162
00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:40,027
took their differences
to the dueling grounds.
163
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:42,867
Dewey Duvall,
I challenge you to a duel
164
00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:44,473
for the love
of this woman.
165
00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:47,135
But more importantly,
for all the land
166
00:06:47,174 --> 00:06:50,444
on the other side of this
wind-blown tater chip baggie.
167
00:06:50,478 --> 00:06:53,448
I accept your challenge
for Ruby Jean's heart,
168
00:06:53,481 --> 00:06:55,951
but not for the land --
I already own that.
169
00:06:55,983 --> 00:06:57,893
Early: Dewey Duvall
wanted Cuyler land,
170
00:06:57,918 --> 00:06:59,548
and the only way
he could get to it
171
00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:01,557
was by having sex
with your grandmama!
172
00:07:01,589 --> 00:07:03,119
[ Sobbing ]
173
00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:05,226
Maybe she just had sex with him
'cause she loved him.
174
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:07,958
Do you want to tell the story
or do I do?
175
00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:10,555
So they had a duel,
like with guns and everything?
176
00:07:10,598 --> 00:07:11,928
No.
177
00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:13,925
But that would have
gone faster, probably.
178
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:17,667
How about we just wail
on each other with rebar?
179
00:07:17,705 --> 00:07:19,135
-Ow!
-I got you!
180
00:07:19,172 --> 00:07:21,312
-Ow!
-I got you again.
181
00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:23,241
Ow. You got me.
-Ow.
182
00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:24,976
-But now I got you.
-Ow.
183
00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:26,982
-Ow.
-Ow.
184
00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:28,824
-Ow.
-Ow.
185
00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:31,949
Early: They dueled on through the
night and into the early morning,
186
00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:34,115
fueled by the love
of one woman.
187
00:07:34,154 --> 00:07:36,824
And, confusingly,
also some land.
188
00:07:36,857 --> 00:07:39,157
-Ow.
-Hang on, time-out.
189
00:07:39,192 --> 00:07:41,332
-Ow!
-Okay, now time-out.
190
00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:43,961
I'm tired.
Ruby Jean, get over here
191
00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:46,327
and whack this fellow
while I get some sleep.
192
00:07:46,366 --> 00:07:47,936
But I don't want to hit
Dewey.
193
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:51,268
And I don't want to hit
Ruby Jean. I love her.
194
00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:53,714
If you don't hit her,
you don't hit me.
195
00:07:53,741 --> 00:07:55,481
And if you don't hit me,
I win.
196
00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:57,439
Not if
she don't hit me first.
197
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:58,977
That's right,
I don't want to hit him.
198
00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:00,512
Don't make this
about you.
199
00:08:00,548 --> 00:08:04,448
You hit him 'cause you're me
in this scenario.
200
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:08,624
I love you, Dewey,
but I'm married.
201
00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:10,816
I understand, Ruby Jean.
202
00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:12,258
Goodbye.
203
00:08:14,562 --> 00:08:15,862
Oh.
204
00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:17,326
Bip! I win!
205
00:08:17,364 --> 00:08:18,874
Dewey, no!
206
00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:20,469
[ Crying ]
-The land is mine!
207
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,370
Early:
Daddy won fair and square.
208
00:08:22,402 --> 00:08:24,872
But if you ask me,
Granny was the real winner.
209
00:08:24,905 --> 00:08:28,375
And ever since that day, them
Duvalls have had it in for us.
210
00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:32,408
But tonight, we settle
the score -- once and for all!
211
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,505
[ Grunting ]
212
00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:35,678
-Whoo!
-Whoo!
213
00:08:35,716 --> 00:08:38,816
Yeah, we number one!
Whoo-hoo! Hell, yeah!
214
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,652
-Oh!
-Well, looky here!
215
00:08:40,688 --> 00:08:42,088
We meet again.
216
00:08:42,122 --> 00:08:45,532
Just like I pretended
not to expect you to do
217
00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:47,389
when I knew
you was gonna do it.
218
00:08:47,427 --> 00:08:49,427
Well, I knew
that you was pretending to think
219
00:08:49,462 --> 00:08:51,432
you knew
what I was gonna do or not.
220
00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:54,904
So now I ain't gonna not do it
no damn more!
221
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:56,195
-Do what?
-Do this!
222
00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:57,566
[ Spitting ]
-Oh, you son of a bitch!
223
00:08:57,605 --> 00:08:59,235
Don't you be spitting
on Duvall property!
224
00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:03,242
Only Duvall property I see
is your ugly-ass face!
225
00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:05,446
I'm about to smack it in
with a damn stick of rebar!
226
00:09:05,478 --> 00:09:08,918
You showed up with rebar
to a gun fight.
227
00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:10,079
So did I.
228
00:09:10,117 --> 00:09:12,417
Guess that makes this
a rebar fight.
229
00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:16,462
Dewey Duvall Jr.,
I challenge you to a duel
230
00:09:16,489 --> 00:09:19,359
for all the land on the other
side of this wind-blown...
231
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:20,892
Where's
the tater-chip baggie?
232
00:09:20,928 --> 00:09:22,758
Probably blew away.
233
00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:25,596
It always was
very wind-blown.
234
00:09:25,633 --> 00:09:28,073
Oh, I'll whup your ass,
but I ain't giving you my land.
235
00:09:28,101 --> 00:09:30,701
I done told you,
it's my damn land!
236
00:09:30,738 --> 00:09:32,138
Ow. It's my land!
237
00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:34,612
-Ow! It's my land!
-Ow. I told you it's my land.
238
00:09:34,642 --> 00:09:36,442
[ Siren wails ] Ow.
Damn it, it's my land!
239
00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:40,906
Ow. Duvall -- Early, Dewey
Jr., y'all drop that rebar!
240
00:09:40,948 --> 00:09:43,318
-Sheriff, stay out of this.
-Ow!
241
00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:45,250
Y'all, there's no need
for violence.
242
00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:47,115
Rusty and I
hired a survey crew
243
00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:49,624
so we can settle
this whole thing peacefully.
244
00:09:49,657 --> 00:09:51,087
Yeah, and after they mark
the property line,
245
00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:52,294
we can put up a fence.
246
00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:55,225
And good fences
make good neighbors.
247
00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:57,672
Can we still beach each other
to death with rebar?
248
00:09:57,698 --> 00:10:00,968
Well [clears throat] it's not
against any law I'm aware of.
249
00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:02,071
-Ow!
-Ow!
250
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:03,972
-Ow, ow, ow!
-Ow!
251
00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:05,274
-Ow!
-Ow!
252
00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:06,765
-Ow!
-Ow!
253
00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:07,807
-Ow!
-Ow!
254
00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:08,941
-Ow!
-Ow!
255
00:10:08,976 --> 00:10:10,436
-Ow!
-Hey, uh, you guys mind
256
00:10:10,477 --> 00:10:12,477
taking a couple steps
over to the left?
257
00:10:12,512 --> 00:10:14,512
Ow. Sure, I'll whup
his ass over here.
258
00:10:14,547 --> 00:10:16,577
Hell, every bit of this
is Cuyler land.
259
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:20,646
Uh, well, these county maps show
this is Duvall land.
260
00:10:20,688 --> 00:10:22,518
-What?! That's impossible!
-Ow!
261
00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:25,155
And the Cuyler property,
well, that's everything
262
00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:27,462
inside
these four stakes here.
263
00:10:27,494 --> 00:10:29,534
Just about big enough
to hold your shack,
264
00:10:29,562 --> 00:10:31,802
which appears
to have shifted east.
265
00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:34,332
I-I moved
to a little closer into town,
266
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:35,837
you know,
shorten my commute.
267
00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:37,809
Well, you best get your shack
back on your land,
268
00:10:37,838 --> 00:10:40,838
'cause right now,
it's trespassing on Duvall land.
269
00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:42,184
How about you make me,
big'un?
270
00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:44,139
Dewey Double-J,
set fire to the shack.
271
00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:45,477
No, no, no, no!
272
00:10:45,512 --> 00:10:48,222
Now get that flaming shit shack
off my land.
273
00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:50,148
Come on, y'all.
274
00:10:50,183 --> 00:10:52,523
Let's get this
flaming shit shack off his land.
275
00:10:52,552 --> 00:10:56,362
Can I challenge you
to a rebar fight?
276
00:10:56,389 --> 00:10:58,329
Maybe win back
some of my land?
277
00:10:58,358 --> 00:10:59,558
I don't think so.
278
00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:02,232
Maybe my mama could have
the sex with you
279
00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:03,732
and maybe you'd give us
some land?
280
00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:05,204
Daddy, that ain't got nothing
to do with it.
281
00:11:05,232 --> 00:11:07,032
Well,
I'm just spit-balling here.
282
00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:09,897
Would you maybe be interested
in selling me some land?
283
00:11:09,937 --> 00:11:12,037
Sorry, we're not on the market
at the moment.
284
00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:14,172
God damn it!
21719
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