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[ Static ]
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00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:09,177
[ Organ music plays ]
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00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:12,850
♪♪
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00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:15,820
[ Rifle cocks ]
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00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:17,649
[ Seatbelt clicks ]
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00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:22,355
♪♪
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00:00:22,390 --> 00:00:24,260
[ Squeaking ]
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00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:30,532
♪♪
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00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:31,834
-My turn.
-Hell no.
10
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,695
Hey, man, let me drive
that thing! Come on!
11
00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:36,104
Don't touch the trim!
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00:00:37,305 --> 00:00:40,865
We see Dougal County
as a destination for people
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00:00:40,908 --> 00:00:42,778
to fill up on gas
when they're en route to
14
00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:44,210
far more interesting places.
15
00:00:44,245 --> 00:00:46,875
But as long as you're
stopping to drop a deuce,
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00:00:46,914 --> 00:00:49,924
why not take in a minor
league baseball game
17
00:00:49,950 --> 00:00:51,890
at the future home of
18
00:00:51,919 --> 00:00:55,419
The Dougal County
Flying Pecan Logs?!
19
00:00:57,225 --> 00:00:58,555
Distribute the hats, Glenn.
20
00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:01,562
Pecan logs are a bedrock
of our local economy.
21
00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:04,225
-That looks like a turd.
-Winged Pecan turds?!
22
00:01:04,265 --> 00:01:06,025
Jesus, Glenn!
Just give me back the hats.
23
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,196
Those are wrong.
Those are the wrong hats.
24
00:01:07,235 --> 00:01:08,735
Look, if we're going
to relocate
25
00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:10,899
our single-A ball club
to Dougal County,
26
00:01:10,938 --> 00:01:12,968
we're gonna need a name
with more zip,
27
00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:15,606
more spunk,
more fire in its belly.
28
00:01:15,643 --> 00:01:17,953
Absolutely!
Sure, I get it.
29
00:01:17,978 --> 00:01:20,048
You want a better team name.
We'll do that.
30
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,450
Look,
the stadium is done.
31
00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:23,582
It's taxpayer funded.
Just give me the money!
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00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:25,947
Hey, what is that thing?
What? Who? What thing?
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00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:27,416
Over there punching
the trash can.
34
00:01:27,455 --> 00:01:29,655
You son of a bitch!
I'll kill yo' ass!
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00:01:29,690 --> 00:01:32,090
No, no, Daddy! Stop it!
He's said I'm a fool!
36
00:01:32,126 --> 00:01:33,426
[ Hisses ]
Oh, that's just
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a local half-wit.
38
00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:36,255
And belive me,
I'm being very generous
39
00:01:36,297 --> 00:01:38,327
with the amount of "wit"
I've afforded him.
40
00:01:38,366 --> 00:01:40,496
And that's indigenous
to the region?
41
00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:41,904
Unfortunately, yes,
42
00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:43,965
until I get the tax rate
up to where I want it.
43
00:01:44,004 --> 00:01:45,414
Now who's a damn fool?
44
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-[ Hisses ]
-I'll kill you, bitch!
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The Dougal County
Ornery Mud Squids.
46
00:01:50,844 --> 00:01:52,184
I like it.
It's golden.
47
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-Trademark it.
-Fine. Slap him on the hats
48
00:01:54,215 --> 00:01:55,945
if you want!
Just give me the money!
49
00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:57,253
Do you think you're
the only swindle
50
00:01:57,285 --> 00:01:59,815
I have
on my schedule today?
51
00:01:59,853 --> 00:02:01,363
Early: "The Horny Mud Squids"?
52
00:02:01,389 --> 00:02:04,459
It's my private, personal
business if I'm horny or not.
53
00:02:04,492 --> 00:02:07,762
And if I'm horny, I'll tell you
on a hat of my own choosin'!
54
00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:09,025
Like this one here.
55
00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:11,002
And there's times
when I ain't horny
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00:02:11,031 --> 00:02:13,001
'cause there's times
when I can't get it up.
57
00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:15,203
And, you know, I'll wear
a hat for that, too.
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It's "ornery",
Daddy, not "horny."
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I control the narrative!
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00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:19,441
My personal sex life
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is none of you or your
ball team's hat's business.
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How are people gonna know
how big my pecker is
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00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:25,982
holding such a small gun?
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00:02:26,013 --> 00:02:28,883
And five teeth? What am I --
a damn game show host,
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00:02:28,916 --> 00:02:30,976
flossin' all day long
in my lounge chair?
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00:02:31,018 --> 00:02:32,888
You misappropriatizin'
my culture,
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00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,160
and I ain't about
to stand for it!
68
00:02:35,189 --> 00:02:36,659
How about I just
give you a job?
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00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:39,490
Oh, yeah, I-I'll take a job.
That'd -- That'd shut me up.
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00:02:39,527 --> 00:02:42,197
I do have a couple years
experience in tube steak peppery
71
00:02:42,230 --> 00:02:43,660
and corn dog
stickification.
72
00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:46,227
No, you-you'll go nowhere
near anything edible,
73
00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:49,737
but I do have a position you are
uniquely qualified to fill.
74
00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:52,470
Hell, yeah! Do what I love,
and the money will follow.
75
00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:55,906
And I love drinkin', fightin',
and effin' in the "B."
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00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:57,183
Whoo!
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00:02:57,211 --> 00:02:58,481
Only two of those
will be allowed.
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00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,382
Drinkin' and effin'
in the "B" it is.
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00:03:00,414 --> 00:03:03,484
No. No B's are to be
effed during the workday.
80
00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:06,147
Whoo! I'm gamefully
employed, baby!
81
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,716
Let me just post this out
to social media right quick.
82
00:03:08,756 --> 00:03:11,856
[ Tapping ]
83
00:03:11,892 --> 00:03:13,192
That's a bathroom tile.
84
00:03:13,227 --> 00:03:14,597
Oh, is that right?
85
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,858
Well, do they make monogrammed
belt-clip holsters
86
00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:18,197
for bathroom tiles?
87
00:03:18,232 --> 00:03:20,272
Apparently you do.
Damn right I do.
88
00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:22,371
You got to fake it
'til you make it.
89
00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:26,113
Aw, shit! I passed
on a protection plan.
90
00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:29,539
Well, well, guess who got him
a G-O-B -- job?
91
00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:32,277
Oh, hoo! Is that a new gun?
Damn straight.
92
00:03:32,313 --> 00:03:35,553
Well, I'm inclined to believe
your pecker is humongous
93
00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:38,253
on account
of how big your gun is.
94
00:03:38,286 --> 00:03:39,886
No seven-day
waiting period,
95
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,220
no mental health
evaluation.
96
00:03:41,255 --> 00:03:42,755
They gonna let me
shoot at people, too!
97
00:03:42,790 --> 00:03:45,390
I can finally achieve
my darkest fantasy.
98
00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:48,626
And five teeth!
Ohh, la la!
99
00:03:48,662 --> 00:03:50,902
Looks like they have
a good dental plan.
100
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:53,231
That's what I'm sayin'!
I finally failed upwards.
101
00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:55,097
Shh! Daddy, it's a deer.
102
00:03:55,135 --> 00:03:56,735
[ Gun cocks ]
103
00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:58,240
[ Grunts ]
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00:03:58,272 --> 00:04:00,212
Damn cotton slugs.
105
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,910
What kind of job
dresses you like this?
106
00:04:01,942 --> 00:04:03,282
I'll show you.
107
00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:05,751
What are you -- like a toddler
medium, or something?
108
00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:06,909
-Ooh!
-Ohh, ho, ho!
109
00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:08,547
You put them
shirts on now.
110
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:11,122
Now, you let everybody know
that you with the nitwit!
111
00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:14,461
Squiddy the Nitwit!
Yeeee-haw!
112
00:04:14,488 --> 00:04:17,728
Crowd: Nitwit!
113
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Nitwit!
114
00:04:21,829 --> 00:04:23,629
Nitwit!
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00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:27,804
Announcer: The nitwit's
about to get lit.
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00:04:27,835 --> 00:04:29,335
Boom!
117
00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:33,140
Whoo-hoo! If this gun was real,
y'all would all be dead!
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00:04:33,173 --> 00:04:34,583
Ha ha!
-Uh-oh!
119
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:38,008
Squiddy is telling
the Savannah Sunfish,
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00:04:38,045 --> 00:04:40,445
"Git off my land!"
121
00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:42,651
Give me the pills!
I need the damn pills!
122
00:04:42,683 --> 00:04:46,323
Announcer: Ain't no stoppin'
when the nitwit's oxy-trottin'.
123
00:04:46,354 --> 00:04:48,824
-I want that damn pill!
-Uh-oh.
124
00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:52,986
The nitwit's gone
and lost his mind again.
125
00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:55,756
Is it under 1, 2, or 3?
126
00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:57,156
[ Crowd shouting suggestions ]
127
00:04:57,197 --> 00:05:00,167
Sorry, the nitwit's mind
is gone forever
128
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:03,770
due to a lifetime
of alcohol abuse.
129
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:06,544
-Nitwit!
-Everybody, rip you a switch
130
00:05:06,574 --> 00:05:11,854
'cause it's time
to Rile The Nitwit"!
131
00:05:11,879 --> 00:05:15,449
Hey, don't you rile me now.
Ow! I'm gettin' riled.
132
00:05:15,483 --> 00:05:18,823
Ow! Whoo!
I got riled, and I'm wild!
133
00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:20,522
Hell yeah, baby! Whoo!
134
00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:23,664
So, this is your job --
runnin' around playin' a nitwit?
135
00:05:23,691 --> 00:05:25,461
Ha ha!
Listen to the jealousy.
136
00:05:25,493 --> 00:05:27,533
You want me to sign
them boobies, little girl?
137
00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:29,161
Aah!
Oh, yeah. She'll be back.
138
00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:31,526
Stop poking me!
I got some dignity here.
139
00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:33,065
Well, you can poke me
all the hell you want.
140
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:35,300
Ow! I don't need
no damn dignity
141
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:37,505
because I'm
super...famous, baby!
142
00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:40,338
Whoo! Ow!
They just made a statue of me.
143
00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:41,544
Ow! Just what the hell
have they ever done
144
00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:43,035
to celebrate
your achievements? Ow!
145
00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:44,506
Well, it ain't
a statue, Daddy.
146
00:05:44,545 --> 00:05:46,845
It's a bobblehead, and it makes
you look like a dumbass.
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00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,250
I told them repeatedly
my head ain't that big
148
00:05:49,282 --> 00:05:51,552
compared to my body,
and my neck ain't this loose.
149
00:05:51,585 --> 00:05:54,345
Daddy, they got you
having sex with a goat.
150
00:05:54,388 --> 00:05:55,818
I'm not attracted
to goats!
151
00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:57,526
Hell, that's supposed
to be a sheep.
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00:05:57,558 --> 00:05:59,388
Let me text that
sumbitch in marketing.
153
00:05:59,427 --> 00:06:01,357
[ Tapping ]
Ooh! Damn.
154
00:06:01,395 --> 00:06:02,495
You're making us
all look like a bunch
155
00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:03,930
of dumb, inbred fools,
Daddy.
156
00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:06,734
You just jealous 'cause
I hit the big-time!
157
00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,567
How many boobies
you gonna sign today?
158
00:06:08,602 --> 00:06:11,542
Ow! I got more fame now than
you can shake a stick at!
159
00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:13,272
Ow! Stop shaking
that stick at me!
160
00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:14,706
The rally's over, damn it!
161
00:06:14,742 --> 00:06:15,882
Thanks, Nitwit.
162
00:06:15,909 --> 00:06:18,409
I was trying to blow
your damn head off!
163
00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:22,620
Randy's excited about
going to the baseball game
164
00:06:22,650 --> 00:06:25,220
with his daddy.
You guys get special box seats?
165
00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:28,622
Oh, we ain't goin' inside.
We're going outside to protest.
166
00:06:28,656 --> 00:06:30,786
Come on, Rusty.
It's exciting.
167
00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:33,194
Plus, your daddy
ain't been stalking me once
168
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,526
since this home stand.
169
00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:36,562
Startin' to feel
kind of neglected.
170
00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:37,727
Daddy's a nitwit.
171
00:06:37,765 --> 00:06:39,765
Poke the nitwit.
Tammi, what the hell?
172
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:42,470
I told you I felt about this.
Randy is half-squid.
173
00:06:42,503 --> 00:06:44,713
Yeah, we're not advertising
that right now.
174
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:47,538
Squids have dignity!
We're not nitwits!
175
00:06:47,575 --> 00:06:50,035
We're real-ass creatures
with real-ass problems!
176
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,077
Ow!
Thanks, Nitwit.
177
00:06:51,111 --> 00:06:52,381
I'm not a nitwit.
178
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,922
You know, I know
the nitwit personally.
179
00:06:54,948 --> 00:06:56,648
He came out
of my vagina.
180
00:06:56,684 --> 00:06:58,424
--What the?
-This is the original
181
00:06:58,452 --> 00:07:00,252
nitwit's nest.
Hey, where's your sign?
182
00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:03,887
Oh, don't make me wear that.
It's such a buzzkill.
183
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:05,264
It's supposed to be.
184
00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:06,762
People see you in the
walker with that sign,
185
00:07:06,794 --> 00:07:08,134
they're gonna have
sympathy on us.
186
00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:09,601
I don't want sympathy!
187
00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:12,970
I want to get poked by some
sticks, have some laughs,
188
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,900
maybe get a free hot dog.
189
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,435
I want to live!
190
00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:18,010
[ Clapping ]
Thank you, yes.
191
00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:19,468
Someone out there gets it.
192
00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:21,837
Nah, just heard there
was a baseball game
193
00:07:21,875 --> 00:07:25,605
and thought I'd come down and
slap my butt cheeks together.
194
00:07:25,646 --> 00:07:27,616
Aunt Lil, if we want
to restore our dignity,
195
00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:29,778
we can't be out here
clappin' our ass cheeks
196
00:07:29,817 --> 00:07:30,777
in front of the stadium.
197
00:07:30,818 --> 00:07:33,488
But this will get me
a free hot dog, I bet!
198
00:07:33,521 --> 00:07:36,791
Buy me a hot dog!
Look at my butt cheeks!
199
00:07:36,824 --> 00:07:38,094
Announcer: Come on,
party people,
200
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:39,325
let's clap your hands!
201
00:07:39,359 --> 00:07:42,259
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
202
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:43,525
Keep clapping!
203
00:07:43,564 --> 00:07:46,374
Oh, well, now,
look who's back to bask
204
00:07:46,399 --> 00:07:48,939
in the fame
of the world-famous nitwit.
205
00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:50,339
Ow!
No, Daddy.
206
00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:51,810
I'm here to ask you
to walk away from all of this.
207
00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:53,709
Are you gonna force me
to break the cycle?
208
00:07:53,741 --> 00:07:55,481
Is that right?
Well, I'm forced
209
00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:57,309
to ride this tiny,
little motorcycle.
210
00:07:57,344 --> 00:07:59,484
So, I guess
we both on bicycles.
211
00:07:59,513 --> 00:08:01,213
Now who wins?! Ow!
212
00:08:01,248 --> 00:08:02,648
Never mind.
213
00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:05,953
What? Makes the same
noise as hands.
214
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:09,686
And now please rise
and join Squiddy the Nitwit
215
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:13,193
in his backwoods-country
rendition of the classic,
216
00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:15,856
"Take Me Out To Watch Baseball."
217
00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:20,166
♪ Let's go out
to watch baseball ♪
218
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,800
♪ Let's go out to watch it
219
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:26,336
♪ Take me to places where
that game is played ♪
220
00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:27,983
-What the --
-Hey, Squid fans.
221
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,308
I'm sorry to interrupt.
222
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:30,642
I know y'all having
a great time
223
00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:33,208
riling the nitwit,
thinking you're superior.
224
00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:34,846
-What the hell?
-And you probably are
225
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:37,892
'cause the Squiddy the Nitwit
is a thrice convicted felon.
226
00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:39,848
Here he is drinking
hair spray again.
227
00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:43,357
This way I can drink
and huff at the same time.
228
00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:45,360
Drinking, huffing --
let's call it "druffing."
229
00:08:45,392 --> 00:08:47,662
I got no memory of them
actions! Hell, no!
230
00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:50,095
Y'all love to come out here
and rile the nitwit, don't you?
231
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:51,500
Rile the nitwit at home,
232
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,531
and an 89-year-old woman
gets an ass whoopin'.
233
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:54,867
What the hell?
I'm sorry.
234
00:08:54,902 --> 00:08:55,942
I'm just -- My walker --
235
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:57,439
You ain't never gonna
walk again, bitch!
236
00:08:57,470 --> 00:08:59,040
No, no, no!
You seen it!
237
00:08:59,072 --> 00:09:01,782
I was asleep. She woke me up.
What was I supposed to do?
238
00:09:01,809 --> 00:09:04,709
You still feel good
about riling the nitwit?
239
00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:07,205
Nitwit! Nitwit!
Y'all don't believe?
240
00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:08,547
I wouldn't never shoot nobody.
241
00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:09,922
Let's leave
the bobblehead here, son.
242
00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:12,720
God damn it!
This is a bunch of bullshit!
243
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,361
Damn it!
Where's my real gun?
244
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:23,359
♪♪
245
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:30,296
♪♪
246
00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:33,737
[ Fireworks whistling ]
247
00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:41,984
♪♪
248
00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:43,745
[ Slow motion ] No!
249
00:09:43,784 --> 00:09:46,054
No!
250
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:48,116
N-o-o-o-o-o-o!
251
00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:52,092
All right.
Let me ass out of here.
252
00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:53,255
I got to get me some rest.
253
00:09:53,293 --> 00:09:55,003
I can't be havin'
bags under my eyes
254
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:57,598
when I'm poppin' and lockin'
on the big screen tonight.
255
00:09:57,631 --> 00:10:00,271
Well, that big screen's
gone, Early.
256
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,400
I mean, they fired
your ass, brother.
257
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,905
[ Chuckles ] I'm fired.
Good one.
258
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,768
How the hell's the team
gonna win without me?
259
00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:08,477
Just who's gonna
keep the crowd
260
00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:11,648
amped up between innings
with moves like this --
261
00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:15,019
And this and this here?
You? Please.
262
00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:16,918
They've already
changed the team name.
263
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:19,150
Halen's done a complete
head-to-toe re-brand.
264
00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:22,186
They the Angel Turds now?
Oh, ho-ho-ho, hell.
265
00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:25,362
The Nitwit nation is not
gonna be happy about this.
266
00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:27,292
I feel me a tweet storm
a-coming on.
267
00:10:27,327 --> 00:10:28,957
[ Tapping ]
268
00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:29,996
Daddy, give it up.
269
00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:32,630
They're already
auditioning new mascots.
270
00:10:32,666 --> 00:10:35,036
Dan Halen: All right,
number 16, you're up.
271
00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:37,168
And...begin.
272
00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:41,635
[ Birds chirping ]
273
00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:44,435
-Is that it?
-Well, I need my music.
274
00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,307
It's better with my music.
275
00:10:46,346 --> 00:10:48,216
Fine, fine.
Cue the music.
276
00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:55,388
[ Organ plays ]
277
00:10:55,422 --> 00:10:56,992
Do something, goddamn it!
278
00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:59,534
Well, you probably can't
see it in the costume,
279
00:10:59,559 --> 00:11:01,999
but I am clappin'
my butt cheeks together!
280
00:11:02,029 --> 00:11:03,159
That's my move, bitch!
281
00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:05,326
Bitch, who you think
you copped it from?
282
00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:08,435
[ Crowd cheers ]
283
00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:11,942
Made in Georgia.
21042
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