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1
00:00:04,266 --> 00:00:05,893
Sweet.
2
00:00:05,934 --> 00:00:08,266
l always wanted one
of them dunk hoops.
3
00:00:09,704 --> 00:00:11,797
Nothin' but net.
4
00:00:14,976 --> 00:00:16,841
That wasn't Billy's house, was it?
5
00:00:16,878 --> 00:00:18,778
- Recalculating.
- Stupid GPS.
6
00:00:18,814 --> 00:00:21,339
l thought he looked
a little large from up here.
7
00:00:21,383 --> 00:00:24,477
Apartment complex in point one miles.
8
00:00:24,519 --> 00:00:26,510
OK, here we go.
9
00:00:28,456 --> 00:00:31,220
l think l blew out my rotator cuff.
10
00:00:32,260 --> 00:00:34,751
l'm gonna need
a stretch of Jew houses soon.
11
00:00:34,796 --> 00:00:37,663
Descend immediately
for milk and cookies.
12
00:00:39,100 --> 00:00:42,536
This is big Crimson Daddy
requesting emergency landing, over.
13
00:00:44,306 --> 00:00:46,103
Chocolate chip.
14
00:00:46,141 --> 00:00:48,871
Plastic cookie? lt's a trap!
15
00:00:50,378 --> 00:00:53,006
Well, well,
if it ain't the ultimate Yankee.
16
00:00:53,048 --> 00:00:54,208
Please, l beg of you.
17
00:00:54,249 --> 00:00:56,615
You come here
and take over all our businesses.
18
00:00:56,651 --> 00:00:59,051
l mean you no harm.
l have a whole sleigh of toys.
19
00:00:59,087 --> 00:01:01,317
- Take whatever you want.
- Hot damn, Daddy!
20
00:01:01,356 --> 00:01:03,221
Look, he got a Mr. Tato head over here.
21
00:01:03,258 --> 00:01:05,624
Yes, yes, Mr. Tato head.
Take one, please.
22
00:01:05,660 --> 00:01:09,096
lt ain't no Mr. Tater head
we after, son. No, sir.
23
00:01:09,130 --> 00:01:11,496
- We ain't?
- l don't know, is it?
24
00:01:11,533 --> 00:01:15,025
- lt is? What you talking about?
- Don't ruin the damn plan!
25
00:01:20,208 --> 00:01:21,675
What's that, Ripper?
26
00:01:22,611 --> 00:01:26,012
No, no mistletoe this year.
You know how that jealousy stuff is.
27
00:01:26,047 --> 00:01:28,538
Hush, Ripper, please.
Shut up, l want to hear this.
28
00:01:28,583 --> 00:01:30,676
As you can see by the Santa Tracker...
29
00:01:30,719 --> 00:01:33,586
Jolly Saint Nick
is passing through our area...
30
00:01:33,622 --> 00:01:35,613
so get those kids to...
31
00:01:36,725 --> 00:01:39,285
What is this? ls this right?
32
00:01:39,327 --> 00:01:42,660
l'm getting reports that...
that Santa's gone down.
33
00:01:42,697 --> 00:01:46,030
- Oh, Lord!
- Dear God, this is awful.
34
00:01:46,067 --> 00:01:48,535
We're gonna stay
with you all night, folks.
35
00:01:48,570 --> 00:01:50,003
Dear God help us!
36
00:01:50,038 --> 00:01:52,063
Help us all at Christmas time!
37
00:01:52,107 --> 00:01:54,974
Check this out.
A bony-fide eight-pointer.
38
00:01:55,010 --> 00:01:56,944
- l want to mount it on my toilet.
- Rudolph!
39
00:01:56,978 --> 00:01:58,969
That way people will know
it's for the mens.
40
00:01:59,014 --> 00:02:02,040
- You were so rare!
- He's about to be medium rare.
41
00:02:02,083 --> 00:02:04,779
l love me some smoked venison.
42
00:02:11,726 --> 00:02:13,387
You're all insane!
43
00:02:13,995 --> 00:02:16,259
What could you possibly want from me?
44
00:02:16,298 --> 00:02:19,324
l think you know what l want,
Santy Claus.
45
00:02:19,367 --> 00:02:21,358
Cuyler, it's impossible...
46
00:02:21,403 --> 00:02:24,236
l only ever asked you for one thing.
47
00:02:24,272 --> 00:02:25,705
l just... l can't do it.
48
00:02:25,740 --> 00:02:29,267
Damn it, l've been a good boy!
Now, how many damn years l gotta wait?
49
00:02:29,311 --> 00:02:31,541
l want me the greatest gift of all!
50
00:02:31,579 --> 00:02:34,912
l won't bring you
the still beating heart of Jeff Gordon!
51
00:02:34,950 --> 00:02:37,350
All right?
l've said it.
52
00:02:37,385 --> 00:02:42,254
Well, Nicholas, l'm disappointed.
We'll do it this way.
53
00:02:42,290 --> 00:02:44,349
- Give me my straight razor.
- No, please.
54
00:02:44,392 --> 00:02:47,190
- We don't have to go this way.
- OK, OK, you right.
55
00:02:47,228 --> 00:02:48,217
Thank you.
56
00:02:48,263 --> 00:02:50,959
l'm thinking
the rusty fish scaler instead.
57
00:02:50,999 --> 00:02:52,364
No, no!
58
00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:54,994
No! No!
59
00:02:59,808 --> 00:03:02,106
- No, it's the beard!
- Damn it!
60
00:03:02,143 --> 00:03:05,510
We will not negotiate
with terrorists!
61
00:03:05,547 --> 00:03:07,913
The still beating heart
of Jeff Gordon?
62
00:03:07,949 --> 00:03:11,077
What kind of twisted madman
would want that?
63
00:03:11,119 --> 00:03:13,178
- Make it so.
- But you just said...
64
00:03:13,221 --> 00:03:15,553
Damn it, make it so!
65
00:03:16,024 --> 00:03:18,584
l made it just so.
66
00:03:18,626 --> 00:03:20,150
A wooden heart.
67
00:03:20,195 --> 00:03:22,459
Filled with fruity jellybeans.
68
00:03:22,497 --> 00:03:24,795
Hell, l gotta be honest.
lt don't surprise me.
69
00:03:24,833 --> 00:03:26,232
Not coming from Jeff Gordon.
70
00:03:26,267 --> 00:03:28,633
You have what you want.
Now release our leader.
71
00:03:28,670 --> 00:03:33,767
- But, Daddy, he just said he made that.
- Yes. l made it just so.
72
00:03:33,808 --> 00:03:35,275
- Scooter, run!
- Santa?
73
00:03:35,310 --> 00:03:36,504
Damn it, it's a trap!
74
00:03:40,348 --> 00:03:42,339
We've lost him, sir.
75
00:03:43,318 --> 00:03:45,616
Dispatch the Silent Knights!
76
00:03:55,163 --> 00:03:58,223
You'd best hope them munchkins
come through for you, boss.
77
00:03:58,266 --> 00:04:00,427
They pull another stunt like that...
78
00:04:00,468 --> 00:04:03,596
it's gonna be Buck Knife
nipping at your damn nose.
79
00:04:04,406 --> 00:04:06,397
l'm gonna kill you all.
80
00:04:07,876 --> 00:04:11,642
Russell, keep an eye on him.
l'm going outside to holler for a bit.
81
00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:14,345
l'm wild! Hell, yeah!
82
00:04:16,117 --> 00:04:18,915
Damn, Daddy gets so crazy
when Jeff Gordon win a race.
83
00:04:18,953 --> 00:04:20,648
l don't know what he's gonna do.
84
00:04:20,688 --> 00:04:24,419
We've had some good times,
haven't we, Ralphie? Richie?
85
00:04:24,459 --> 00:04:26,654
l ain't supposed
to be talking to you, Santa.
86
00:04:26,694 --> 00:04:31,893
Remember that Evel Knievel Snake
River Canyon Jump Set?
87
00:04:31,933 --> 00:04:35,096
l remember
how much you wanted that.
88
00:04:35,136 --> 00:04:39,573
- l don't remember getting that.
- Right. Yeah.
89
00:04:39,607 --> 00:04:41,097
You would've loved it.
90
00:04:41,142 --> 00:04:44,111
Well, l got that chicky pox once.
Was that from you?
91
00:04:44,145 --> 00:04:48,605
That was probably a...
Probably a toilet seat gave you that.
92
00:04:48,650 --> 00:04:50,948
Actually, it wasn't so bad, really.
93
00:04:50,985 --> 00:04:53,180
l mean, once we drained the pus out.
94
00:04:53,221 --> 00:04:55,052
So, there's something.
95
00:04:56,124 --> 00:04:57,648
Come sit in my lap...
96
00:04:57,692 --> 00:05:00,388
and take the fishhooks
from Santa's scrotum.
97
00:05:00,428 --> 00:05:03,022
There's really no need for that.
98
00:05:03,064 --> 00:05:05,828
l'm crazy! Crazy.
99
00:05:05,867 --> 00:05:08,700
Son, what the hell are you doing?
100
00:05:08,736 --> 00:05:10,897
He's with me now.
l'm the decider.
101
00:05:10,939 --> 00:05:14,500
lf you ever want to see your son
alive again, you'll do what l s--
102
00:05:15,643 --> 00:05:16,803
How's that, fat man?
103
00:05:16,845 --> 00:05:20,337
We're gonna ventilate all that jelly
out of that there belly.
104
00:05:20,381 --> 00:05:23,509
Early! You gotta remember
the reason for the season.
105
00:05:23,551 --> 00:05:25,576
Sorry, Granny.
106
00:05:25,620 --> 00:05:27,315
Who's naughty now?
107
00:05:28,523 --> 00:05:32,015
Damn, it's Johnny Law.
You best play nice, fat man.
108
00:05:32,060 --> 00:05:36,463
Six, seven, eight, huh? Boy,
that's well over the limit, ain't it, Early?
109
00:05:36,498 --> 00:05:38,466
Something l can help you with, Sheriff?
110
00:05:38,500 --> 00:05:40,695
Well, we got reports
that Santa's sleigh...
111
00:05:40,735 --> 00:05:42,828
went down
somewhere over Dougal County.
112
00:05:42,871 --> 00:05:44,998
- That's horrible.
- You heard anything...
113
00:05:45,039 --> 00:05:48,008
or, you know,
seen anything unusual, Early?
114
00:05:48,042 --> 00:05:50,135
What'd it look like?
115
00:05:51,079 --> 00:05:52,842
Looks a lot like this one, actually.
116
00:05:52,881 --> 00:05:55,179
But it didn't have
all them bullet holes in it.
117
00:05:55,216 --> 00:05:57,707
- Well, l'll keep my eyes peeled.
- Help! Help!
118
00:05:57,752 --> 00:05:59,913
Get down and stay down
like l done said!
119
00:06:00,421 --> 00:06:01,547
l can behave!
120
00:06:01,589 --> 00:06:04,558
l told you that Sheriff
does not need to see you in there!
121
00:06:04,592 --> 00:06:06,583
- Who was that, Early?
- ln-laws.
122
00:06:06,628 --> 00:06:09,995
Always beating theyselves up
and screaming for help.
123
00:06:10,031 --> 00:06:13,159
- You know how it is, right?
- l'm not married.
124
00:06:13,201 --> 00:06:16,898
But call me if you need anything.
Well, that is, if you get a telephone.
125
00:06:16,938 --> 00:06:19,873
- Here's my card.
- And here's my card.
126
00:06:19,908 --> 00:06:22,376
- Early, this is my card.
- lt is now. Take care.
127
00:06:22,410 --> 00:06:24,810
- Have a good 'un.
- Good-bye, Santy Claus!
128
00:06:24,846 --> 00:06:27,212
- l'll catch you on the flip.
- Santa Claus?!
129
00:06:27,248 --> 00:06:29,910
- Rusty! Now!
- Hey, Rusty!
130
00:06:29,951 --> 00:06:31,919
Come on.
Come on, now, get down.
131
00:06:33,755 --> 00:06:35,950
Stay on the ground, boy.
132
00:06:35,990 --> 00:06:37,719
ls this freshly smoked?
133
00:06:37,759 --> 00:06:40,250
Hickory. Go on, take you some.
134
00:06:41,663 --> 00:06:44,962
What can l say?
That's delicious. Thanks, Early.
135
00:06:44,999 --> 00:06:47,160
Merry Christmas to y'all.
136
00:06:48,069 --> 00:06:50,833
- Merry Christmas to you!
- Merry Christmas, Sheriff!
137
00:06:50,872 --> 00:06:52,430
And a merry Christmas to you!
138
00:06:52,473 --> 00:06:54,100
Get back in there! Come on, git.
139
00:06:54,142 --> 00:06:58,101
The partridge is in the pear tree, sir.
Repeat, the partridge is in the pear tree.
140
00:06:58,146 --> 00:07:02,810
You don't have to repeat that, Clarence.
lt's fine. l understood the first time.
141
00:07:02,850 --> 00:07:04,647
Bring us the figgy pudding.
142
00:07:04,686 --> 00:07:07,211
l repeat, bring us the figgy pudding.
143
00:07:07,255 --> 00:07:09,416
You know, that's annoying.
144
00:07:10,491 --> 00:07:13,949
So, ho, ho.
You like to smoke?
145
00:07:15,230 --> 00:07:18,996
Well, l smoke a pipe
on occasion myself.
146
00:07:20,301 --> 00:07:23,202
Mrs. Claus
doesn't care for it too much.
147
00:07:23,238 --> 00:07:25,502
That's crack cocaine, isn't it?
148
00:07:25,540 --> 00:07:27,269
Yes, l should've known.
149
00:07:27,308 --> 00:07:29,333
Oh, the glass dick.
150
00:07:30,545 --> 00:07:32,979
- What the hell?
- Look, Daddy, look!
151
00:07:33,014 --> 00:07:35,676
The Jesus baby's up there singing!
152
00:07:35,717 --> 00:07:39,551
% Felt its worth %
153
00:07:39,587 --> 00:07:44,183
% A thrill of hope,
the weary soul rejoices... %
154
00:07:44,225 --> 00:07:45,783
l'll tell you what, son.
155
00:07:45,827 --> 00:07:48,557
You got to enjoy every Christmas
you have, Rusty.
156
00:07:48,596 --> 00:07:51,497
You don't never know
how many you gonna get.
157
00:07:51,532 --> 00:07:55,059
- l love you, Daddy.
- And l love you, too, son.
158
00:07:55,103 --> 00:08:01,531
% Fall on your knees %
159
00:08:02,677 --> 00:08:05,009
l said fall on your knees,
you son of a bitch!
160
00:08:05,046 --> 00:08:07,810
- What the he--?
- lt's a trap!
161
00:08:07,849 --> 00:08:10,750
Go for the face, my angels.
Spare no one!
162
00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:16,882
% O night %
163
00:08:16,924 --> 00:08:20,121
% Divine %
164
00:08:20,161 --> 00:08:26,760
% When Christ, when Christ was born %
165
00:08:34,442 --> 00:08:36,171
l'll notify the families.
166
00:08:36,210 --> 00:08:37,472
Damn, we had him.
167
00:08:37,512 --> 00:08:39,878
Have we heard anything
from the Gordon camp?
168
00:08:39,914 --> 00:08:41,905
They're not budging
on the heart, sir.
169
00:08:41,949 --> 00:08:45,180
Damn it. Early, l need more time!
170
00:08:45,219 --> 00:08:47,449
For what?
You got two old boys here...
171
00:08:47,488 --> 00:08:49,615
with Jeff Gordon in a box.
172
00:08:50,391 --> 00:08:52,552
Oh, good! Well, never mind then.
173
00:08:53,928 --> 00:08:56,328
- Nice to meet you.
- What the...? Cock Johnson?
174
00:08:56,364 --> 00:08:58,730
- Daddy, it's a trap!
- You'd best try again, tiny bitches.
175
00:08:58,766 --> 00:09:01,132
Cock Johnson
is a man of great strength.
176
00:09:01,169 --> 00:09:04,161
- His heart is quite large.
- l said Jeff Gordon!
177
00:09:04,205 --> 00:09:06,264
Now, who's making decisions for you?
178
00:09:06,307 --> 00:09:09,208
You know what? Forget it.
Let's just call this my two weeks, all right?
179
00:09:09,243 --> 00:09:11,177
- Good luck, Santa.
- Elves, please!
180
00:09:11,212 --> 00:09:13,840
The pay is not commensurate
with the agony!
181
00:09:13,881 --> 00:09:16,441
- Look, that can change.
- How much you boys make?
182
00:09:16,484 --> 00:09:19,612
- We get one candy cane a month.
- And no dental!
183
00:09:19,654 --> 00:09:22,714
- lt's been an issue.
- That's exploitation.
184
00:09:22,757 --> 00:09:26,284
- What does this mean, exploitation?
- Never you mind.
185
00:09:26,327 --> 00:09:29,023
You ever use them little fingers
to bore out a carburetor?
186
00:09:29,063 --> 00:09:31,258
l've built a wooden name
placard for Corey.
187
00:09:31,299 --> 00:09:34,132
Well, all right, then.
How's two candy canes a month sound?
188
00:09:34,168 --> 00:09:37,467
Why, two is far more than one.
l'll take it!
189
00:09:37,505 --> 00:09:40,531
- Come on, let's go.
- l can bore a car--carburetor.
190
00:09:40,575 --> 00:09:42,475
Wait! Elves, don't go!
191
00:09:42,510 --> 00:09:44,603
- Or you'll what?
- Yeah, what?
192
00:09:44,645 --> 00:09:47,512
l will rain fire down on you
from the skies!
193
00:09:47,548 --> 00:09:49,209
l made you, damn it!
194
00:09:49,250 --> 00:09:53,346
You were a bunch of tiny drifters
before you met me!
195
00:09:57,625 --> 00:09:58,990
What are you gonna do to me?
196
00:09:59,026 --> 00:10:02,962
- You ever seen the movie Saw ll?
- Oh, no. No, no, please, please.
197
00:10:02,997 --> 00:10:04,396
No? Me, neither.
198
00:10:04,432 --> 00:10:07,265
l want to, though.
l heard good things.
199
00:10:07,935 --> 00:10:09,835
l told you once,
you son of a bitch!
200
00:10:09,871 --> 00:10:11,998
l'm the best that's ever been.
201
00:10:12,073 --> 00:10:13,597
What?
202
00:10:13,641 --> 00:10:16,269
Fire in the mountain, and run, boy, run!
203
00:10:18,613 --> 00:10:22,105
Go, Daddy, go.
You're making me look stupid here. Go!
204
00:10:32,393 --> 00:10:34,054
Now, wait a minute.
205
00:10:34,095 --> 00:10:37,326
- Well, it's sort of like this one here.
- Help! Help!
206
00:10:37,365 --> 00:10:39,560
Good-bye, Santy Claus!
207
00:10:41,903 --> 00:10:45,100
- Oh, my goodness!
- Slow down!
208
00:10:52,513 --> 00:10:54,208
That's delicious.
209
00:10:58,986 --> 00:11:00,886
That's good!
210
00:11:08,496 --> 00:11:10,191
Man, that's delicious.
211
00:11:11,399 --> 00:11:13,367
l'm eating light.
212
00:11:15,570 --> 00:11:17,504
Merry skull!
213
00:11:17,566 --> 00:11:19,566
Subtitles by
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214
00:11:19,616 --> 00:11:24,166
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