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1
00:00:05,079 --> 00:00:08,708
% My dreams are all dead and buried %
2
00:00:10,418 --> 00:00:14,582
% Sometimes l wish the sun
would just explode %
3
00:00:15,723 --> 00:00:19,716
% When God comes
and calls me to His kingdom %
4
00:00:20,528 --> 00:00:24,259
% l'll take all you sons of bitches
when l go %
5
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- My turn.
- Hell, no.
6
00:00:29,403 --> 00:00:31,098
Hey, man, let me drive that thing.
Come on!
7
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Do not touch the trim!
8
00:00:36,711 --> 00:00:42,775
ln the beginning,
God created Heaven and Earth...
9
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and then he called light
he renamed the day to light...
10
00:00:49,090 --> 00:00:54,027
and the night
he called the dark...
11
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- ...but the light was called day.
- Get with the story, woman.
12
00:00:57,932 --> 00:01:00,992
Then he took to making stuff...
13
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like, he made trees...
14
00:01:04,639 --> 00:01:07,073
birds...
15
00:01:07,108 --> 00:01:10,202
bears...
16
00:01:10,244 --> 00:01:12,235
Too many bears.
17
00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:15,308
Shoulda dialed back on the bears.
18
00:01:15,950 --> 00:01:19,750
And so he dialed
back on the bears...
19
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and the bears,
what was left...
20
00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:26,287
were cloaked
in acid-washed denim...
21
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and steeply stones of rhine...
22
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Just get to the damn good part.
23
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Finally, the great creator clapped
His mighty hands and said...
24
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By Christ of blood, Christ.
25
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...stuff and then he reached
into his magical hat...
26
00:01:44,078 --> 00:01:48,572
and pulled out a squid
made of his own image.
27
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- And that squid was me?
- Yes, my child.
28
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- No.
- No, my child. Sorry.
29
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lt was me.
30
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Now, come on, tell him what
the Lord done next.
31
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Well, then he reached down
into the squid and pulled from him a rib.
32
00:02:04,932 --> 00:02:07,992
Two racks of ribs! Washed that sumbitch
down with a watermelon...
33
00:02:08,035 --> 00:02:10,833
full of all-weather coolant.
Then it was on!
34
00:02:10,871 --> 00:02:13,431
Took them homemade ski-doos
out to Lake Hartwell.
35
00:02:13,474 --> 00:02:15,567
Lit that sumbitch up!
36
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l know, l know,
glory days and all...
37
00:02:17,979 --> 00:02:19,378
but it all happened.
38
00:02:19,413 --> 00:02:21,472
Wasn't that what you done
on Labor Day weekend?
39
00:02:21,515 --> 00:02:24,313
That's what we talkin' about, right?
Kick-ass weekends?
40
00:02:24,352 --> 00:02:26,252
l tear it up on the weekends.
41
00:02:26,287 --> 00:02:29,586
No, you was tellin' me about the Bible,
where we come up from and all that.
42
00:02:29,624 --> 00:02:30,784
Right.
43
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ln the beginning,
God created...
44
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This is a bunch
of damn mess.
45
00:02:34,762 --> 00:02:37,424
Come on, boy, it's time
for soccer practice.
46
00:02:43,204 --> 00:02:48,870
Now the Europeans
would call this here football, but l don't.
47
00:02:48,909 --> 00:02:51,503
l call it bass fishing...
48
00:02:51,545 --> 00:02:52,876
'cause that's what it is.
49
00:02:52,913 --> 00:02:54,710
Hey, Daddy, would
you hook me a worm?
50
00:02:54,749 --> 00:02:57,980
No. Couldn't
afford no worms.
51
00:02:58,019 --> 00:03:00,044
Yep, yep...
52
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lt's gonna be a long day.
53
00:03:02,590 --> 00:03:06,048
- Hey, what's up?
- Oh, my God, a talkin' squid!
54
00:03:06,093 --> 00:03:07,651
Don't scare him now.
55
00:03:09,130 --> 00:03:11,223
- Shiny, shiny.
- Come on.
56
00:03:12,133 --> 00:03:14,397
- Eat it.
- Precious.
57
00:03:14,435 --> 00:03:17,131
You guys should hop in.
l mean, the water's great.
58
00:03:17,171 --> 00:03:18,331
Look at that boy.
59
00:03:18,372 --> 00:03:20,465
He's swimming around
in the dag water, Daddy.
60
00:03:22,510 --> 00:03:24,273
- l'm gonna get in the water.
- No, son!
61
00:03:24,311 --> 00:03:27,542
- Lemme get in that water!
- We can't survive in that water.
62
00:03:27,581 --> 00:03:29,014
No. You come from water.
63
00:03:29,050 --> 00:03:31,848
We all do. You know,
in the beginning...
64
00:03:31,886 --> 00:03:34,480
the big ocean filled
with the amino acids...
65
00:03:34,522 --> 00:03:38,356
and electrically charged isotopes
and the atoms became cells...
66
00:03:38,392 --> 00:03:40,053
the cells became organisms.
67
00:03:40,094 --> 00:03:42,358
Only the strong survived.
68
00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:46,392
Only the strong survived!
69
00:03:47,168 --> 00:03:49,693
We're number one!
America!
70
00:03:49,737 --> 00:03:51,432
lt's just natural selection.
71
00:03:51,472 --> 00:03:54,669
l mean, the change and
the heritable traits of a population.
72
00:03:54,709 --> 00:03:56,074
He's really bleeding.
73
00:03:56,110 --> 00:03:59,375
Just tap out!
74
00:03:59,413 --> 00:04:00,812
Hell, yeah.
75
00:04:00,848 --> 00:04:03,373
Hey, guys, l mean,
you read this, right?
76
00:04:03,417 --> 00:04:05,248
lt's in books.
77
00:04:05,286 --> 00:04:07,277
You know all this, OK?
78
00:04:07,321 --> 00:04:10,188
Then there was the cataclysm.
The earth was ripped!
79
00:04:10,224 --> 00:04:13,557
Waters receded
and many of our kind perished...
80
00:04:14,261 --> 00:04:16,195
except for one.
81
00:04:17,765 --> 00:04:18,925
And that squid was me?
82
00:04:18,966 --> 00:04:20,331
- No.
- lt was me.
83
00:04:20,367 --> 00:04:22,358
- No.
- Damn.
84
00:04:22,403 --> 00:04:23,427
So it was him?
85
00:04:23,471 --> 00:04:26,099
- Hell, yeah, it was me!
- Gratutations, son.
86
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- l told you it was me.
- You got it.
87
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- l know it was me.
- Look.
88
00:04:28,676 --> 00:04:31,076
lt was your great ancestor.
89
00:04:31,712 --> 00:04:34,237
She was blessed with
both gills and lungs.
90
00:04:34,281 --> 00:04:36,511
She bought
a wig, dropped out of high school...
91
00:04:36,550 --> 00:04:39,212
and spread her heritable traits...
92
00:04:39,253 --> 00:04:43,349
to future generations through a series of
sordid encounters with various creatures...
93
00:04:43,390 --> 00:04:45,051
behind the Thrift-N-Sip.
94
00:04:46,927 --> 00:04:49,919
Now, you're saying my great-granny
was a skank-ass ho bag?
95
00:04:49,964 --> 00:04:52,489
No, it's cool.
l'm not judging.
96
00:04:52,533 --> 00:04:55,434
- lt's the law of nature.
- Survival of the f--
97
00:04:56,771 --> 00:04:59,865
Survival of the what?
That's what l thought.
98
00:04:59,907 --> 00:05:02,535
Don't you never call me
no queer in front of my boy.
99
00:05:02,576 --> 00:05:06,273
l don't think he
called you queer, Daddy.
100
00:05:07,014 --> 00:05:08,345
Semantics!
101
00:05:09,383 --> 00:05:11,647
Now, he said electronic
impulses shot through them...
102
00:05:11,685 --> 00:05:14,518
amino acids and protein strings
sparked mutations and all...
103
00:05:14,555 --> 00:05:18,013
to help better adapt our ancestors
to life above the water.
104
00:05:18,759 --> 00:05:22,195
- Now, that's just dumb.
- Well, then, how did we get here?
105
00:05:22,229 --> 00:05:25,790
- Not by the hand of God!
- What's all this, now?
106
00:05:25,833 --> 00:05:29,200
Well, son, you're
a concoction of Satan...
107
00:05:29,236 --> 00:05:32,763
a red devil sent here
to break my faith.
108
00:05:32,807 --> 00:05:34,798
Deliver me!
109
00:05:39,079 --> 00:05:43,448
Russell, you just need to learn
from the Good Book.
110
00:05:43,484 --> 00:05:46,749
This one?
How Stella Got Her Groove Back.
111
00:05:46,787 --> 00:05:48,914
No, no, no, son.
Those are the bad books!
112
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- Burn 'em all!
- Burn them, burn!
113
00:05:51,258 --> 00:05:53,818
- Burn the authors.
- Burn them all!
114
00:05:54,562 --> 00:05:58,794
A Brief History of Time
as read by Steven Hawking.
115
00:05:58,833 --> 00:06:02,394
ln the beginning, there was
a very dense ball of matter...
116
00:06:02,436 --> 00:06:04,370
at the center
of the universe.
117
00:06:04,405 --> 00:06:08,239
% Jesus loves me this l know %
118
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% For the Bible tells me so %
119
00:06:11,846 --> 00:06:14,906
% Yes, Jesus loves me %
120
00:06:14,949 --> 00:06:17,315
% Yes, Jesus loves me %
121
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% For the Bible
tells me so %
122
00:06:20,688 --> 00:06:22,315
- Hey, Sheriff.
- Hey, Rusty.
123
00:06:22,356 --> 00:06:24,881
Listening to that
new Stephen Hawking book, are you?
124
00:06:24,925 --> 00:06:27,723
He ain't much for talking,
but he's got a beautiful singing voice.
125
00:06:27,761 --> 00:06:29,388
Yeah, well,
the County wanted me...
126
00:06:29,430 --> 00:06:32,228
to update the educational
materials, you know?
127
00:06:32,266 --> 00:06:33,494
l am the law.
128
00:06:33,534 --> 00:06:36,128
So it was only a theory
that Stella got her groove back?
129
00:06:36,170 --> 00:06:39,867
- Unless you can prove it.
- l'm so damned confused.
130
00:06:39,907 --> 00:06:42,876
- What do you believe, Sheriff?
- Beliefs?
131
00:06:42,910 --> 00:06:47,142
lt ain't got nothing to do
with beliefs, Rusty. l deal in facts.
132
00:06:47,181 --> 00:06:50,446
You see, Rusty, people
are grown in fields like this one.
133
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Oh, my God!
134
00:06:52,553 --> 00:06:54,851
Now, Rusty, God's not a factor here.
135
00:06:54,889 --> 00:06:57,380
You see, the Dougal County
Sheriff's Office...
136
00:06:57,424 --> 00:07:00,825
is a front for
Serpents ln The Round.
137
00:07:00,861 --> 00:07:03,659
lt's a shadow government
run by Dan Halen.
138
00:07:03,697 --> 00:07:06,359
See, our scientists have developed
these man-stalks...
139
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:10,564
capable of growing a battalion
of nicotine-addicted super warriors...
140
00:07:10,604 --> 00:07:13,698
with marginal strength
and hyper-sensitivity to pain.
141
00:07:13,741 --> 00:07:16,801
- Rusty, is that you?
- Step in line, soldier!
142
00:07:16,844 --> 00:07:19,335
You were meant to kill, not greet.
143
00:07:19,380 --> 00:07:21,473
- Rusty, is that you?
- Hey, Rusty.
144
00:07:21,515 --> 00:07:23,380
- Rusty...
- Rusty...
145
00:07:23,417 --> 00:07:25,749
Hey, Sheriff.
Hey, all y'all Sheriffs.
146
00:07:25,786 --> 00:07:27,651
- Rusty...
- Hey, man.
147
00:07:27,688 --> 00:07:29,087
l might have said too much.
148
00:07:29,123 --> 00:07:31,683
This could jeopardize
the entire operation now.
149
00:07:31,725 --> 00:07:34,888
You know what?
Here, put this in your ear, would you?
150
00:07:34,929 --> 00:07:37,159
- No, please!
- lt only hurts for a second.
151
00:07:37,197 --> 00:07:40,166
No, please,
l won't tell anybody!
152
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:42,668
Really?
Oh, boy, that'd be so great.
153
00:07:42,703 --> 00:07:45,797
You don't even know how
much trouble l'd be in if this got out.
154
00:07:46,707 --> 00:07:48,766
This is my last mind worm.
155
00:07:48,809 --> 00:07:51,778
- We'll see you, now.
- We'll see you all later, now. Go on.
156
00:07:51,812 --> 00:07:54,246
- See you later.
- We'll see you later, now, Rusty.
157
00:07:55,582 --> 00:07:57,447
Rusty, if you want
to know how we got here...
158
00:07:57,484 --> 00:08:01,978
you ought to ask a caveman.
They was the first people.
159
00:08:02,022 --> 00:08:04,957
And that's why the government
let them build the damn casino.
160
00:08:04,992 --> 00:08:06,459
They got dibs on the land.
161
00:08:07,528 --> 00:08:10,429
Now they come around saying
they found one of them fish-o-pods.
162
00:08:10,464 --> 00:08:13,433
You know, fish with feet.
So how does the Bible reconcile that?
163
00:08:13,467 --> 00:08:15,731
Rusty, stop
pestering illusionist David Blaine.
164
00:08:15,769 --> 00:08:17,327
Come here and look at this.
165
00:08:17,371 --> 00:08:20,306
So we did rise up
out of the mud.
166
00:08:20,341 --> 00:08:23,139
No! lt means this here machine's
supposed to pay out double.
167
00:08:23,177 --> 00:08:25,270
Sumbitch ate my quarter.
l want a manager.
168
00:08:30,284 --> 00:08:32,844
Flip this sumbitch over
and get my money!
169
00:08:36,390 --> 00:08:39,359
All right, which one of you
sumbitches is the manager?
170
00:08:40,361 --> 00:08:44,127
Hey, how'd y'all
make out at the casino?
171
00:08:44,164 --> 00:08:46,997
Shut that damn laughy trap.
Hell, next time, they gonna comp us.
172
00:08:47,034 --> 00:08:49,730
- l ain't going back in there.
- They gonna fly us out there, son.
173
00:08:49,770 --> 00:08:51,795
Free breakfast?
Hell, yeah, you're going.
174
00:08:51,839 --> 00:08:55,366
All right. lt don't matter.
l can't find no answers any which where.
175
00:08:55,409 --> 00:09:01,314
Russell, darling, you need
only look inside yourself...
176
00:09:01,348 --> 00:09:04,215
and l think you're gonna
like what you find.
177
00:09:04,251 --> 00:09:08,210
Ain't nothing in there but organs and farts.
l have the answer, son.
178
00:09:08,255 --> 00:09:10,223
We is going back in time!
179
00:09:10,257 --> 00:09:13,385
- Where we gonna get a time machine?
- Alabama!
180
00:09:13,994 --> 00:09:16,588
All right, boy, calibertize
the time machine...
181
00:09:16,630 --> 00:09:18,427
for beginning of time.
182
00:09:20,267 --> 00:09:24,294
And now to unlock history's mysteries!
183
00:09:24,338 --> 00:09:25,635
Oh, no.
184
00:09:25,672 --> 00:09:27,105
No, no, no, no!
185
00:09:27,141 --> 00:09:30,133
Stop the time machine!
Stop the damn time machine!
186
00:09:30,177 --> 00:09:31,838
Uncalibertize!
187
00:09:35,883 --> 00:09:39,046
Daddy, you're back!
Come on, tell me what you learn?
188
00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:42,512
That we got ripped off in Alabama!
189
00:09:42,556 --> 00:09:44,524
This sumbitch is a damn dud!
190
00:09:44,558 --> 00:09:47,550
Well, it says right here,
''Gigantic delayed...''
191
00:09:48,362 --> 00:09:50,489
Gigantic delayed what, son?
192
00:09:51,932 --> 00:09:52,921
Son?
193
00:09:59,306 --> 00:10:00,330
Look at that mess!
194
00:10:00,374 --> 00:10:03,207
Hold on, Daddy!
l'll get your brains back! Hold on.
195
00:10:03,243 --> 00:10:04,642
Almost got him.
196
00:10:04,678 --> 00:10:07,670
Never mind the brains, son. Get my...
197
00:10:07,714 --> 00:10:09,614
- You want the hat?
- No! My hat?!
198
00:10:09,650 --> 00:10:13,450
Hey, Jesus, while l got you here
my boy over there was wanting to know...
199
00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:15,079
the truth about creation and...
200
00:10:15,122 --> 00:10:17,647
Let me ask you, Early.
What do you think?
201
00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:22,188
Dammit, my other hat!
202
00:10:30,637 --> 00:10:32,036
Look at that old boy over there.
203
00:10:32,072 --> 00:10:33,130
He is fubar!
204
00:10:33,779 --> 00:10:39,279
Subtitles by
BloodLogic
205
00:10:39,329 --> 00:10:43,879
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