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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,079 --> 00:00:08,708 % My dreams are all dead and buried % 2 00:00:10,418 --> 00:00:14,582 % Sometimes l wish the sun would just explode % 3 00:00:15,723 --> 00:00:19,716 % When God comes and calls me to His kingdom % 4 00:00:20,528 --> 00:00:24,259 % l'll take all you sons of bitches when l go % 5 00:00:27,935 --> 00:00:29,368 - My turn. - Hell, no. 6 00:00:29,403 --> 00:00:31,098 Hey, man, let me drive that thing. Come on! 7 00:00:31,138 --> 00:00:32,571 Do not touch the trim! 8 00:00:36,711 --> 00:00:42,775 ln the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth... 9 00:00:42,817 --> 00:00:49,052 and then he called light he renamed the day to light... 10 00:00:49,090 --> 00:00:54,027 and the night he called the dark... 11 00:00:54,061 --> 00:00:57,895 - ...but the light was called day. - Get with the story, woman. 12 00:00:57,932 --> 00:01:00,992 Then he took to making stuff... 13 00:01:01,035 --> 00:01:04,596 like, he made trees... 14 00:01:04,639 --> 00:01:07,073 birds... 15 00:01:07,108 --> 00:01:10,202 bears... 16 00:01:10,244 --> 00:01:12,235 Too many bears. 17 00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:15,308 Shoulda dialed back on the bears. 18 00:01:15,950 --> 00:01:19,750 And so he dialed back on the bears... 19 00:01:20,621 --> 00:01:23,089 and the bears, what was left... 20 00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:26,287 were cloaked in acid-washed denim... 21 00:01:26,327 --> 00:01:28,989 and steeply stones of rhine... 22 00:01:29,030 --> 00:01:30,497 Just get to the damn good part. 23 00:01:30,531 --> 00:01:36,401 Finally, the great creator clapped His mighty hands and said... 24 00:01:36,437 --> 00:01:39,201 By Christ of blood, Christ. 25 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:44,041 ...stuff and then he reached into his magical hat... 26 00:01:44,078 --> 00:01:48,572 and pulled out a squid made of his own image. 27 00:01:50,318 --> 00:01:52,752 - And that squid was me? - Yes, my child. 28 00:01:52,787 --> 00:01:55,517 - No. - No, my child. Sorry. 29 00:01:55,556 --> 00:01:56,716 lt was me. 30 00:01:56,757 --> 00:01:58,952 Now, come on, tell him what the Lord done next. 31 00:01:58,993 --> 00:02:04,898 Well, then he reached down into the squid and pulled from him a rib. 32 00:02:04,932 --> 00:02:07,992 Two racks of ribs! Washed that sumbitch down with a watermelon... 33 00:02:08,035 --> 00:02:10,833 full of all-weather coolant. Then it was on! 34 00:02:10,871 --> 00:02:13,431 Took them homemade ski-doos out to Lake Hartwell. 35 00:02:13,474 --> 00:02:15,567 Lit that sumbitch up! 36 00:02:15,610 --> 00:02:17,942 l know, l know, glory days and all... 37 00:02:17,979 --> 00:02:19,378 but it all happened. 38 00:02:19,413 --> 00:02:21,472 Wasn't that what you done on Labor Day weekend? 39 00:02:21,515 --> 00:02:24,313 That's what we talkin' about, right? Kick-ass weekends? 40 00:02:24,352 --> 00:02:26,252 l tear it up on the weekends. 41 00:02:26,287 --> 00:02:29,586 No, you was tellin' me about the Bible, where we come up from and all that. 42 00:02:29,624 --> 00:02:30,784 Right. 43 00:02:30,825 --> 00:02:33,123 ln the beginning, God created... 44 00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:34,718 This is a bunch of damn mess. 45 00:02:34,762 --> 00:02:37,424 Come on, boy, it's time for soccer practice. 46 00:02:43,204 --> 00:02:48,870 Now the Europeans would call this here football, but l don't. 47 00:02:48,909 --> 00:02:51,503 l call it bass fishing... 48 00:02:51,545 --> 00:02:52,876 'cause that's what it is. 49 00:02:52,913 --> 00:02:54,710 Hey, Daddy, would you hook me a worm? 50 00:02:54,749 --> 00:02:57,980 No. Couldn't afford no worms. 51 00:02:58,019 --> 00:03:00,044 Yep, yep... 52 00:03:00,087 --> 00:03:02,555 lt's gonna be a long day. 53 00:03:02,590 --> 00:03:06,048 - Hey, what's up? - Oh, my God, a talkin' squid! 54 00:03:06,093 --> 00:03:07,651 Don't scare him now. 55 00:03:09,130 --> 00:03:11,223 - Shiny, shiny. - Come on. 56 00:03:12,133 --> 00:03:14,397 - Eat it. - Precious. 57 00:03:14,435 --> 00:03:17,131 You guys should hop in. l mean, the water's great. 58 00:03:17,171 --> 00:03:18,331 Look at that boy. 59 00:03:18,372 --> 00:03:20,465 He's swimming around in the dag water, Daddy. 60 00:03:22,510 --> 00:03:24,273 - l'm gonna get in the water. - No, son! 61 00:03:24,311 --> 00:03:27,542 - Lemme get in that water! - We can't survive in that water. 62 00:03:27,581 --> 00:03:29,014 No. You come from water. 63 00:03:29,050 --> 00:03:31,848 We all do. You know, in the beginning... 64 00:03:31,886 --> 00:03:34,480 the big ocean filled with the amino acids... 65 00:03:34,522 --> 00:03:38,356 and electrically charged isotopes and the atoms became cells... 66 00:03:38,392 --> 00:03:40,053 the cells became organisms. 67 00:03:40,094 --> 00:03:42,358 Only the strong survived. 68 00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:46,392 Only the strong survived! 69 00:03:47,168 --> 00:03:49,693 We're number one! America! 70 00:03:49,737 --> 00:03:51,432 lt's just natural selection. 71 00:03:51,472 --> 00:03:54,669 l mean, the change and the heritable traits of a population. 72 00:03:54,709 --> 00:03:56,074 He's really bleeding. 73 00:03:56,110 --> 00:03:59,375 Just tap out! 74 00:03:59,413 --> 00:04:00,812 Hell, yeah. 75 00:04:00,848 --> 00:04:03,373 Hey, guys, l mean, you read this, right? 76 00:04:03,417 --> 00:04:05,248 lt's in books. 77 00:04:05,286 --> 00:04:07,277 You know all this, OK? 78 00:04:07,321 --> 00:04:10,188 Then there was the cataclysm. The earth was ripped! 79 00:04:10,224 --> 00:04:13,557 Waters receded and many of our kind perished... 80 00:04:14,261 --> 00:04:16,195 except for one. 81 00:04:17,765 --> 00:04:18,925 And that squid was me? 82 00:04:18,966 --> 00:04:20,331 - No. - lt was me. 83 00:04:20,367 --> 00:04:22,358 - No. - Damn. 84 00:04:22,403 --> 00:04:23,427 So it was him? 85 00:04:23,471 --> 00:04:26,099 - Hell, yeah, it was me! - Gratutations, son. 86 00:04:26,140 --> 00:04:27,505 - l told you it was me. - You got it. 87 00:04:27,541 --> 00:04:28,633 - l know it was me. - Look. 88 00:04:28,676 --> 00:04:31,076 lt was your great ancestor. 89 00:04:31,712 --> 00:04:34,237 She was blessed with both gills and lungs. 90 00:04:34,281 --> 00:04:36,511 She bought a wig, dropped out of high school... 91 00:04:36,550 --> 00:04:39,212 and spread her heritable traits... 92 00:04:39,253 --> 00:04:43,349 to future generations through a series of sordid encounters with various creatures... 93 00:04:43,390 --> 00:04:45,051 behind the Thrift-N-Sip. 94 00:04:46,927 --> 00:04:49,919 Now, you're saying my great-granny was a skank-ass ho bag? 95 00:04:49,964 --> 00:04:52,489 No, it's cool. l'm not judging. 96 00:04:52,533 --> 00:04:55,434 - lt's the law of nature. - Survival of the f-- 97 00:04:56,771 --> 00:04:59,865 Survival of the what? That's what l thought. 98 00:04:59,907 --> 00:05:02,535 Don't you never call me no queer in front of my boy. 99 00:05:02,576 --> 00:05:06,273 l don't think he called you queer, Daddy. 100 00:05:07,014 --> 00:05:08,345 Semantics! 101 00:05:09,383 --> 00:05:11,647 Now, he said electronic impulses shot through them... 102 00:05:11,685 --> 00:05:14,518 amino acids and protein strings sparked mutations and all... 103 00:05:14,555 --> 00:05:18,013 to help better adapt our ancestors to life above the water. 104 00:05:18,759 --> 00:05:22,195 - Now, that's just dumb. - Well, then, how did we get here? 105 00:05:22,229 --> 00:05:25,790 - Not by the hand of God! - What's all this, now? 106 00:05:25,833 --> 00:05:29,200 Well, son, you're a concoction of Satan... 107 00:05:29,236 --> 00:05:32,763 a red devil sent here to break my faith. 108 00:05:32,807 --> 00:05:34,798 Deliver me! 109 00:05:39,079 --> 00:05:43,448 Russell, you just need to learn from the Good Book. 110 00:05:43,484 --> 00:05:46,749 This one? How Stella Got Her Groove Back. 111 00:05:46,787 --> 00:05:48,914 No, no, no, son. Those are the bad books! 112 00:05:48,956 --> 00:05:51,220 - Burn 'em all! - Burn them, burn! 113 00:05:51,258 --> 00:05:53,818 - Burn the authors. - Burn them all! 114 00:05:54,562 --> 00:05:58,794 A Brief History of Time as read by Steven Hawking. 115 00:05:58,833 --> 00:06:02,394 ln the beginning, there was a very dense ball of matter... 116 00:06:02,436 --> 00:06:04,370 at the center of the universe. 117 00:06:04,405 --> 00:06:08,239 % Jesus loves me this l know % 118 00:06:08,275 --> 00:06:11,802 % For the Bible tells me so % 119 00:06:11,846 --> 00:06:14,906 % Yes, Jesus loves me % 120 00:06:14,949 --> 00:06:17,315 % Yes, Jesus loves me % 121 00:06:17,351 --> 00:06:20,650 % For the Bible tells me so % 122 00:06:20,688 --> 00:06:22,315 - Hey, Sheriff. - Hey, Rusty. 123 00:06:22,356 --> 00:06:24,881 Listening to that new Stephen Hawking book, are you? 124 00:06:24,925 --> 00:06:27,723 He ain't much for talking, but he's got a beautiful singing voice. 125 00:06:27,761 --> 00:06:29,388 Yeah, well, the County wanted me... 126 00:06:29,430 --> 00:06:32,228 to update the educational materials, you know? 127 00:06:32,266 --> 00:06:33,494 l am the law. 128 00:06:33,534 --> 00:06:36,128 So it was only a theory that Stella got her groove back? 129 00:06:36,170 --> 00:06:39,867 - Unless you can prove it. - l'm so damned confused. 130 00:06:39,907 --> 00:06:42,876 - What do you believe, Sheriff? - Beliefs? 131 00:06:42,910 --> 00:06:47,142 lt ain't got nothing to do with beliefs, Rusty. l deal in facts. 132 00:06:47,181 --> 00:06:50,446 You see, Rusty, people are grown in fields like this one. 133 00:06:50,484 --> 00:06:52,509 Oh, my God! 134 00:06:52,553 --> 00:06:54,851 Now, Rusty, God's not a factor here. 135 00:06:54,889 --> 00:06:57,380 You see, the Dougal County Sheriff's Office... 136 00:06:57,424 --> 00:07:00,825 is a front for Serpents ln The Round. 137 00:07:00,861 --> 00:07:03,659 lt's a shadow government run by Dan Halen. 138 00:07:03,697 --> 00:07:06,359 See, our scientists have developed these man-stalks... 139 00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:10,564 capable of growing a battalion of nicotine-addicted super warriors... 140 00:07:10,604 --> 00:07:13,698 with marginal strength and hyper-sensitivity to pain. 141 00:07:13,741 --> 00:07:16,801 - Rusty, is that you? - Step in line, soldier! 142 00:07:16,844 --> 00:07:19,335 You were meant to kill, not greet. 143 00:07:19,380 --> 00:07:21,473 - Rusty, is that you? - Hey, Rusty. 144 00:07:21,515 --> 00:07:23,380 - Rusty... - Rusty... 145 00:07:23,417 --> 00:07:25,749 Hey, Sheriff. Hey, all y'all Sheriffs. 146 00:07:25,786 --> 00:07:27,651 - Rusty... - Hey, man. 147 00:07:27,688 --> 00:07:29,087 l might have said too much. 148 00:07:29,123 --> 00:07:31,683 This could jeopardize the entire operation now. 149 00:07:31,725 --> 00:07:34,888 You know what? Here, put this in your ear, would you? 150 00:07:34,929 --> 00:07:37,159 - No, please! - lt only hurts for a second. 151 00:07:37,197 --> 00:07:40,166 No, please, l won't tell anybody! 152 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:42,668 Really? Oh, boy, that'd be so great. 153 00:07:42,703 --> 00:07:45,797 You don't even know how much trouble l'd be in if this got out. 154 00:07:46,707 --> 00:07:48,766 This is my last mind worm. 155 00:07:48,809 --> 00:07:51,778 - We'll see you, now. - We'll see you all later, now. Go on. 156 00:07:51,812 --> 00:07:54,246 - See you later. - We'll see you later, now, Rusty. 157 00:07:55,582 --> 00:07:57,447 Rusty, if you want to know how we got here... 158 00:07:57,484 --> 00:08:01,978 you ought to ask a caveman. They was the first people. 159 00:08:02,022 --> 00:08:04,957 And that's why the government let them build the damn casino. 160 00:08:04,992 --> 00:08:06,459 They got dibs on the land. 161 00:08:07,528 --> 00:08:10,429 Now they come around saying they found one of them fish-o-pods. 162 00:08:10,464 --> 00:08:13,433 You know, fish with feet. So how does the Bible reconcile that? 163 00:08:13,467 --> 00:08:15,731 Rusty, stop pestering illusionist David Blaine. 164 00:08:15,769 --> 00:08:17,327 Come here and look at this. 165 00:08:17,371 --> 00:08:20,306 So we did rise up out of the mud. 166 00:08:20,341 --> 00:08:23,139 No! lt means this here machine's supposed to pay out double. 167 00:08:23,177 --> 00:08:25,270 Sumbitch ate my quarter. l want a manager. 168 00:08:30,284 --> 00:08:32,844 Flip this sumbitch over and get my money! 169 00:08:36,390 --> 00:08:39,359 All right, which one of you sumbitches is the manager? 170 00:08:40,361 --> 00:08:44,127 Hey, how'd y'all make out at the casino? 171 00:08:44,164 --> 00:08:46,997 Shut that damn laughy trap. Hell, next time, they gonna comp us. 172 00:08:47,034 --> 00:08:49,730 - l ain't going back in there. - They gonna fly us out there, son. 173 00:08:49,770 --> 00:08:51,795 Free breakfast? Hell, yeah, you're going. 174 00:08:51,839 --> 00:08:55,366 All right. lt don't matter. l can't find no answers any which where. 175 00:08:55,409 --> 00:09:01,314 Russell, darling, you need only look inside yourself... 176 00:09:01,348 --> 00:09:04,215 and l think you're gonna like what you find. 177 00:09:04,251 --> 00:09:08,210 Ain't nothing in there but organs and farts. l have the answer, son. 178 00:09:08,255 --> 00:09:10,223 We is going back in time! 179 00:09:10,257 --> 00:09:13,385 - Where we gonna get a time machine? - Alabama! 180 00:09:13,994 --> 00:09:16,588 All right, boy, calibertize the time machine... 181 00:09:16,630 --> 00:09:18,427 for beginning of time. 182 00:09:20,267 --> 00:09:24,294 And now to unlock history's mysteries! 183 00:09:24,338 --> 00:09:25,635 Oh, no. 184 00:09:25,672 --> 00:09:27,105 No, no, no, no! 185 00:09:27,141 --> 00:09:30,133 Stop the time machine! Stop the damn time machine! 186 00:09:30,177 --> 00:09:31,838 Uncalibertize! 187 00:09:35,883 --> 00:09:39,046 Daddy, you're back! Come on, tell me what you learn? 188 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:42,512 That we got ripped off in Alabama! 189 00:09:42,556 --> 00:09:44,524 This sumbitch is a damn dud! 190 00:09:44,558 --> 00:09:47,550 Well, it says right here, ''Gigantic delayed...'' 191 00:09:48,362 --> 00:09:50,489 Gigantic delayed what, son? 192 00:09:51,932 --> 00:09:52,921 Son? 193 00:09:59,306 --> 00:10:00,330 Look at that mess! 194 00:10:00,374 --> 00:10:03,207 Hold on, Daddy! l'll get your brains back! Hold on. 195 00:10:03,243 --> 00:10:04,642 Almost got him. 196 00:10:04,678 --> 00:10:07,670 Never mind the brains, son. Get my... 197 00:10:07,714 --> 00:10:09,614 - You want the hat? - No! My hat?! 198 00:10:09,650 --> 00:10:13,450 Hey, Jesus, while l got you here my boy over there was wanting to know... 199 00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:15,079 the truth about creation and... 200 00:10:15,122 --> 00:10:17,647 Let me ask you, Early. What do you think? 201 00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:22,188 Dammit, my other hat! 202 00:10:30,637 --> 00:10:32,036 Look at that old boy over there. 203 00:10:32,072 --> 00:10:33,130 He is fubar! 204 00:10:33,779 --> 00:10:39,279 Subtitles by BloodLogic 205 00:10:39,329 --> 00:10:43,879 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 16102

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