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1
00:00:06,300 --> 00:00:09,929
% You run off & took our only chicken %
2
00:00:11,639 --> 00:00:15,803
% When l broke jail
the house was burnt and bare %
3
00:00:16,944 --> 00:00:20,937
% The Japs moved the plant
back to Osaki %
4
00:00:22,383 --> 00:00:26,114
% Some days life just don't seem that fair %
5
00:00:26,153 --> 00:00:29,384
% l don't even care
l just don't give a damn %
6
00:00:29,423 --> 00:00:30,617
- My turn.
- Hell, no.
7
00:00:30,658 --> 00:00:33,786
- Man, let me drive that thing! Come on!
- Do not touch the trim!
8
00:00:52,980 --> 00:00:54,447
Oh, my God!
9
00:00:54,482 --> 00:00:57,076
- Don't you look precious.
- Trick or treat.
10
00:00:57,118 --> 00:00:59,985
Here's your candy, little girl.
Now what do you say?
11
00:01:00,020 --> 00:01:02,488
l say put all your
electronicals in this here bag!
12
00:01:02,523 --> 00:01:06,254
- l need a blow-dryer, a curling iron and...
- All right. All right. Good.
13
00:01:06,293 --> 00:01:09,785
Not great, but good.
Granted, this here was a stimulation...
14
00:01:09,830 --> 00:01:13,561
but in the event of a real trick-or-treatery,
you're gonna need this.
15
00:01:14,902 --> 00:01:18,303
- Some magic fairy dust? My eyes!
- Unmagical chili powder...
16
00:01:18,339 --> 00:01:21,536
and it's got to be right in the orbitals
so they can't identitize you.
17
00:01:21,575 --> 00:01:24,305
Why don't we just break
in when they ain't home?
18
00:01:24,345 --> 00:01:28,179
Son, it ain't the destination.
lt's the journey.
19
00:01:28,215 --> 00:01:31,116
Now come on.
Let's go get us a damn bread-maker.
20
00:01:32,186 --> 00:01:34,780
Lo and beware.
21
00:01:34,822 --> 00:01:40,192
The monster thirsts for blood
in the shadows of the mountain.
22
00:01:40,227 --> 00:01:42,821
Leaky mouth woman!
Get on back inside the house...
23
00:01:42,863 --> 00:01:45,730
and take your
l'm-so-old-l'm-gonna-damn-die pills.
24
00:01:47,134 --> 00:01:52,071
Every Hallow's eve he lurks,
and he waits...
25
00:01:55,409 --> 00:01:58,344
and he lurks...
26
00:02:00,014 --> 00:02:01,481
and he waits.
27
00:02:01,515 --> 00:02:04,916
- What?
- He does stand about quite a bit.
28
00:02:04,952 --> 00:02:08,649
And he lets time pass quietly...
29
00:02:08,689 --> 00:02:12,785
while anticipating future goings-on.
30
00:02:12,827 --> 00:02:17,628
Hellish Jay, they call him.
Hellish Jay from Elijay.
31
00:02:17,665 --> 00:02:20,065
There's a monster up here, Daddy?
Out in the woods?
32
00:02:20,100 --> 00:02:23,263
Yes, in the woods. Now come on.
Let's go out in the woods.
33
00:02:23,304 --> 00:02:25,272
Hold on a second.
What's he look like?
34
00:02:25,306 --> 00:02:27,274
About yea high.
35
00:02:29,076 --> 00:02:30,907
No hair...
36
00:02:30,945 --> 00:02:33,413
or skin.
37
00:02:33,447 --> 00:02:36,439
And a devilishly tight ass.
38
00:02:36,483 --> 00:02:38,508
He got a 'lectronic ass.
39
00:02:39,486 --> 00:02:42,114
And a long, straw-like...
40
00:02:46,293 --> 00:02:47,282
Damn!
41
00:02:47,328 --> 00:02:51,697
All right, look. You ever seen one of them
insulation blowing-hose pipes?
42
00:02:51,732 --> 00:02:55,190
- Blows the damn insulation into you?
- He blows insulation into you?!
43
00:02:55,236 --> 00:02:57,261
- He does. God Almighty!
- Oh, my God!
44
00:02:57,304 --> 00:03:01,604
- No, no, no. lt's a blood pipe.
- Oh, yeah. That's right.
45
00:03:01,642 --> 00:03:04,634
- That's better, then.
- He sucks your blood with it.
46
00:03:07,581 --> 00:03:08,912
What was that?
47
00:03:08,949 --> 00:03:11,349
That's just my sound effects record.
48
00:03:12,519 --> 00:03:15,488
He's afraid of sound effects.
49
00:03:16,991 --> 00:03:18,219
They say.
50
00:03:21,962 --> 00:03:25,864
Years ago, one year ago...
51
00:03:26,901 --> 00:03:31,668
he was stung on this mountain
by thousands of fire ants.
52
00:03:33,340 --> 00:03:39,074
And some say
he turned into a fire ant himself.
53
00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:41,814
But every Halloween...
54
00:03:41,849 --> 00:03:45,250
most likely starting
from next Halloween...
55
00:03:45,286 --> 00:03:50,246
he come up here looking
for his lost cell phone.
56
00:03:50,291 --> 00:03:52,691
Time out. Wait a minute.
57
00:03:52,726 --> 00:03:53,988
Hello?
58
00:03:54,028 --> 00:03:58,089
l done told you a numertous times,
there ain't no Jay here.
59
00:03:59,133 --> 00:04:02,227
That's... That's him!
Hellish Jay!
60
00:04:03,170 --> 00:04:05,297
- Daddy, give him his phone!
- Hell, no!
61
00:04:05,339 --> 00:04:08,502
l got 250 prepaid minutes
on this son of a bitch. lt's mine!
62
00:04:10,177 --> 00:04:12,338
Everyone get in the fire!
lt's the only way!
63
00:04:12,379 --> 00:04:15,712
- Get in the fire, Daddy! Come on!
- Wait a minute.
64
00:04:15,749 --> 00:04:17,740
- What? Wait.
- This is stupid.
65
00:04:17,785 --> 00:04:19,878
Get out of the fire!
Everyone out!
66
00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:22,480
- l'm on fire!
- Get out of here, monster!
67
00:04:22,523 --> 00:04:25,515
Relax, son.
Hell, l baited the damn perimeter.
68
00:04:28,295 --> 00:04:30,763
You didn't use all my date rape drug,
did you?
69
00:04:30,798 --> 00:04:32,857
l didn't see your name on it.
70
00:04:32,900 --> 00:04:35,368
Boy, l told you about
dipping into my date rape...
71
00:04:35,402 --> 00:04:36,733
Hold your thought.
72
00:04:36,770 --> 00:04:37,794
Talk to me.
73
00:04:38,839 --> 00:04:42,275
You gonna eat who?
Who the hell is this?
74
00:04:43,644 --> 00:04:46,374
- What?
- He must have bought another phone.
75
00:04:46,413 --> 00:04:48,938
What the hell you need
two cellar phones for?
76
00:04:49,950 --> 00:04:53,283
- That's right. You don't.
- Daddy, don't get him all excited.
77
00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:55,914
- Run off like the sissy bitch that you is.
- Don't rile him up.
78
00:04:55,956 --> 00:04:58,823
Maybe you ought to trip on a root
and drop that phone, too.
79
00:04:58,859 --> 00:05:01,384
Then we get us another one.
Start us a family plan.
80
00:05:03,797 --> 00:05:06,197
Hell, yeah, l said it.
Bring it on, ding-dong.
81
00:05:06,233 --> 00:05:09,100
- Daddy, you ain't gotta do that, now.
- Show me them teeth!
82
00:05:11,672 --> 00:05:15,540
Now, how do l go about sending you
a picture of you all pissed off?
83
00:05:17,511 --> 00:05:19,741
Damn, this thing's got Tetris.
84
00:05:21,148 --> 00:05:23,639
Where have l heard that before?
85
00:05:23,684 --> 00:05:25,811
Oh, yeah. From you!
86
00:05:25,853 --> 00:05:29,619
- Sheriff, he's getting closer.
- Well, that's just what he does, Rusty.
87
00:05:29,656 --> 00:05:34,286
He just gets close to you
but he's just playing games.
88
00:05:34,328 --> 00:05:38,287
Just messing around with your emotions,
and the next thing you know...
89
00:05:38,332 --> 00:05:41,665
you're just overwhelmed
by all this attention.
90
00:05:41,702 --> 00:05:43,499
'Cause he's already telling you...
91
00:05:43,537 --> 00:05:46,836
that you're the only one
on the face of the Earth that he cares for.
92
00:05:46,874 --> 00:05:49,308
No one else matters.
You think...
93
00:05:49,343 --> 00:05:52,176
''l could go for this, all the damn way.''
94
00:05:52,212 --> 00:05:54,703
And then you plan a trip
to Costa Rica together...
95
00:05:54,748 --> 00:05:57,216
and then three days later,
you hadn't heard from him...
96
00:05:57,251 --> 00:06:01,153
except you find out he's got
a refund on the tickets, and then...
97
00:06:01,188 --> 00:06:02,485
this!
98
00:06:03,891 --> 00:06:07,122
l mean...
Well, that's the legend, anyway.
99
00:06:07,161 --> 00:06:10,892
- Does that mean he's a Jew?
- No, Early. Don't mean that at all.
100
00:06:11,932 --> 00:06:14,833
- Sheriff, look out behind you!
- Whatever.
101
00:06:14,868 --> 00:06:16,165
Let's go over here.
102
00:06:16,203 --> 00:06:19,138
Well, damn, it looks
just like the other one.
103
00:06:19,173 --> 00:06:21,903
Well, they both want your blood, Rusty.
104
00:06:21,942 --> 00:06:25,343
But this one over here,
well, he's actually cool about it.
105
00:06:25,379 --> 00:06:28,746
- What up, dog?
- Well, Skuyler, you dang rascal.
106
00:06:28,782 --> 00:06:32,013
There's that chick over there.
She's totally scoping me, man.
107
00:06:32,052 --> 00:06:33,041
How you doing, boy?
108
00:06:33,087 --> 00:06:36,147
l'd be doing a lot better
if l sucked down some blood shooters.
109
00:06:36,190 --> 00:06:38,522
- Body shots? Body shots?
- l'll do a body shot!
110
00:06:38,559 --> 00:06:41,551
- Way to nut up, bloodsack. Let's do this.
- You don't want that.
111
00:06:41,595 --> 00:06:43,620
He'll suck your intestines
through your navel.
112
00:06:43,664 --> 00:06:47,600
Dudes, take the knife out of my back.
You know l don't roll like that.
113
00:06:49,103 --> 00:06:51,037
Let's kind of scoot over to this side.
114
00:06:51,071 --> 00:06:53,505
Hell if l'm gonna retreat
for no damn monster!
115
00:06:53,540 --> 00:06:57,533
Hell, l say kill 'em both!
Let God Almighty sort it out!
116
00:06:57,578 --> 00:06:59,808
No! He's got a kind heart!
117
00:06:59,847 --> 00:07:02,315
You son of a bitch! Die!
118
00:07:02,349 --> 00:07:04,249
Early, no.
They're immortal.
119
00:07:04,284 --> 00:07:07,720
- You ain't got to do that now.
- They can't be killed.
120
00:07:09,656 --> 00:07:12,250
Well, l guess l was...
They can be killed.
121
00:07:13,727 --> 00:07:17,493
Yeah, that was kind of easy.
Like that time l beat up that baby.
122
00:07:17,531 --> 00:07:20,159
- Wait a minute.
- Oh, great.
123
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,498
Now we're dealing
with damn monster ghosts.
124
00:07:22,536 --> 00:07:25,061
About to be of the dead variety.
125
00:07:26,740 --> 00:07:29,573
Better get your ass
back on back to Monsterville.
126
00:07:34,047 --> 00:07:37,107
- Damn it!
- l ain't dressed for this.
127
00:07:37,151 --> 00:07:38,914
They won't hurt babies.
128
00:07:42,222 --> 00:07:46,124
They hate babies!
Quick! Nobody dress like a baby!
129
00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:50,654
Damn! Look at those guns.
My God, your forearms are massive!
130
00:07:51,698 --> 00:07:54,565
Come on, baby. l wasn't trying
to come on to you or nothing.
131
00:07:54,601 --> 00:07:56,626
We're just talking about, you know...
132
00:08:02,576 --> 00:08:06,535
And we just wait for one of them
to start sucking our blood?
133
00:08:06,580 --> 00:08:08,844
- l think they busy, son.
- That's hot.
134
00:08:08,882 --> 00:08:12,283
l can't wait for when he dumps you...
135
00:08:12,319 --> 00:08:14,844
and you're back here on Earth
with all the rest of us!
136
00:08:14,888 --> 00:08:17,379
Come on, Sheriff.
You don't need to see this.
137
00:08:17,424 --> 00:08:20,359
- God, l hate him!
- Come here. Let me hold you.
138
00:08:21,895 --> 00:08:25,387
- You're a good friend, Early.
- Are you jacking my ass around?
139
00:08:25,432 --> 00:08:28,162
- Early?
- Hell, l would never say that.
140
00:08:28,202 --> 00:08:29,692
Oh, Lord.
141
00:08:32,539 --> 00:08:35,599
One, two, three, four, five...
142
00:08:35,642 --> 00:08:36,870
l know this guy.
143
00:08:36,910 --> 00:08:41,870
He's the Counter of the Mounter--tain.
144
00:08:41,915 --> 00:08:44,179
That's a real good name.
145
00:08:45,552 --> 00:08:48,544
Now, years back
on Halloween at midnight...
146
00:08:48,589 --> 00:08:52,719
his whole family came up
to this hilltop right here...
147
00:08:52,759 --> 00:08:56,058
dark and windy...
148
00:08:56,096 --> 00:08:58,758
and they all choked to death...
149
00:09:00,133 --> 00:09:01,896
an a calculator.
150
00:09:01,935 --> 00:09:03,402
Calculator?
151
00:09:03,437 --> 00:09:07,533
- Was it a evil calculator?
- Why else would it eat his whole family?
152
00:09:07,574 --> 00:09:09,872
Well, it choked them to death, actually.
153
00:09:09,910 --> 00:09:13,710
So the whole family
choked on one calculator?
154
00:09:13,747 --> 00:09:15,908
- l'm just telling you.
- His 'n 's whole family?
155
00:09:15,949 --> 00:09:19,612
- Like, a living calculator or something?
- l guess it'd have to be...
156
00:09:19,653 --> 00:09:23,453
for a whole family
to choke on one calculator.
157
00:09:23,490 --> 00:09:24,855
Look, l didn't write it.
158
00:09:24,891 --> 00:09:30,454
Anyway, every Halloween Eve,
if you hear counting in the woods...
159
00:09:30,497 --> 00:09:36,333
you know that he's extending
and retracting his claws exactly 36 times...
160
00:09:36,370 --> 00:09:40,033
37. That's what comes next. Oh, no!
161
00:09:40,073 --> 00:09:44,635
...before he feels totally comfortable
to claim another victim.
162
00:09:44,678 --> 00:09:46,111
Why 36?
163
00:09:46,146 --> 00:09:48,876
Otherwise, he just feels
like his day won't go right.
164
00:09:48,915 --> 00:09:51,884
- You ain't saying he's a Jew.
- No, he's not a damn Jew, Early.
165
00:09:51,918 --> 00:09:53,283
Don't you judge me, now.
166
00:09:55,455 --> 00:09:57,855
Hate to interrupt
but we'll take a step to the left.
167
00:09:57,891 --> 00:09:59,153
No! Do not move!
168
00:10:00,427 --> 00:10:03,726
A leaf blew in front of you.
l just wanted to get that out of there.
169
00:10:03,764 --> 00:10:07,359
lt's driving me nuts.
OK, sorry. You know what?
170
00:10:07,401 --> 00:10:10,234
Let me do it an even number of times.
lt helps me. Here.
171
00:10:10,270 --> 00:10:13,398
There, two times.
One, two, three.
172
00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:15,670
Damn that leaf.
OK, hang on one second.
173
00:10:15,709 --> 00:10:19,076
That second one didn't really count.
lt wasn't a whole one.
174
00:10:19,112 --> 00:10:21,444
- Come on, y'all. Let's go.
- There, it's a whole.
175
00:10:21,481 --> 00:10:23,346
- All right.
- Y'all have a good one.
176
00:10:23,383 --> 00:10:25,317
Happy Halloween,
you son of a bitches.
177
00:10:25,352 --> 00:10:27,013
...six, seven, eight, nine...
178
00:10:27,054 --> 00:10:28,851
Granny, you coming with us?
179
00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:31,756
No. l'm ready to die.
180
00:10:31,792 --> 00:10:34,522
OK. You have a good 'n.
181
00:10:34,561 --> 00:10:38,463
...32, 33, 34, 35, 36.
182
00:10:41,435 --> 00:10:43,027
No one...
183
00:10:43,070 --> 00:10:45,470
No one ever let's me get that far.
184
00:10:47,274 --> 00:10:48,901
What do you want to do?
185
00:10:48,942 --> 00:10:51,172
Just like this.
186
00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:56,114
Can you do the hat?
187
00:10:56,149 --> 00:10:59,118
Now say it just right.
188
00:10:59,152 --> 00:11:03,111
lt's Monday night of
rowdy friend of football.
189
00:11:03,156 --> 00:11:05,522
Monday football night.
190
00:11:05,559 --> 00:11:07,993
Well, that's close enough.
191
00:11:08,562 --> 00:11:11,998
l think the 69ers
are playing the Packers tonight.
192
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:20,000
Subtitles by
BloodLogic
193
00:11:20,050 --> 00:11:24,600
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