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% My oldest son was born an albino %
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% My youngest is covered in hair %
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% The middle one says he's a homosexual %
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% The other seven are gone,
l don't know where %
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% and l don't care %
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% l just don't care %
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- My turn.
- Hell, no.
8
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- Man, let me drive that thing. Come on!
- Do not touch the trim!
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Puberty is a turbulent and insecure time
in a young man's life.
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His voice changes...
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hair grows in unexpected places,
and the inside of his pants...
12
00:00:47,675 --> 00:00:52,612
become a firing range
for his uncontrollable volcanic anus.
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00:00:52,646 --> 00:00:56,013
Daddy! Daddy! Look what
came out of my butt during the night!
14
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Hell, Russell Cuyler!
You done had a nocturnal eggnition...
15
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all over my seven-count burlap.
16
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Praise the Lord!
lt's the second coming.
17
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No, Granny!
lt's just one more --ing mouth to feed.
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Bananas.
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All right! l made me a brother! Boy,
you better not be touching my BB Gun.
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- You gonna get it. Come on, now.
- lt's a miracle!
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What are you gonna name it?
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Nothing! l turn my back
for one damn three-day bender...
23
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and you transaxulate yourself
into a damn woman?!
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We 'bout to nip this
in the nuts right now!
25
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- Daddy!
- Make you a real man!
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- Daddy!
- Don't you dare hurt him!
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And what's your saggy mouth
gonna say about it?
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Ablo-mandalebigus-
pentocolus-benturpinoize-
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forntormian-crisco-
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doffanecta-glabba-flontonian-
smectarufus-fort-knox-truckindans-
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tranoctur-pontallaphermian-
hudanox-mellakinesis!
32
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You lucky bitch!
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- That is the one thing you could have said!
- Yeah, OK.
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One of these days, you ain't
gonna remember that freakin' word.
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l'll be around.
36
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Why don't you take
that weak shit to the park?
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Where maybe the squirrels will care.
38
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Hey, how y'all doing?
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The miracle of life.
Happy trails, Buddy Roe!
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- What do you think you're doing there?
- Taking out the trash.
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Not on my watch.
Early, l want you to read this.
42
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Oh, hell.
Russell, fetch my glasses.
43
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- We gonna make this happen.
- No, no.
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Early, it's my job to protect
and serve all forms of life...
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even the unhatched.
46
00:03:01,575 --> 00:03:04,510
Every American has the right to life.
47
00:03:04,545 --> 00:03:09,005
Even that crazy bitch in Houston
what killed all them chaps in the bathtub?
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Well, yeah, she should die,
but l'm talking about the unborn.
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lnside that egg is a beating heart,
a soul this small.
50
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And while l don't understand
how Rusty might have conceived...
51
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Dipplo-ribosomal-sexual-osmosis.
Right down there in his butt crack.
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All right. Whatever.
ls that how he did it? My point is...
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this is a life.
And even though you don't love it,
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you don't have any money,
and you won't give it any opportunities...
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this here egg could grow up
to be President...
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or find a cure for homosexuality.
57
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Wait a minute, or hell,
even become the next Tom T. Hall!
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So, what you saying is
that my grandbaby right here...
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might some day grow up to be
the gay President of Tom T. Hall?!
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Outstandinger than hell.
61
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Well, maybe not this grandbaby,
but some babies do have potential.
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What if it's Dracula in there?
63
00:04:02,436 --> 00:04:05,269
Rusty's right.
lf it's Dracula, it best be killed.
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00:04:05,306 --> 00:04:07,604
You can't give birth to a Dracula.
65
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You gotta be a Dracula
to give birth to a Dracula.
66
00:04:10,844 --> 00:04:12,402
So, you was the Dracula!
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- l was?!
- l knew it! l knew it!
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Early, Early. Damn it, Early,
Nobody's a Dracula. Look...
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00:04:17,584 --> 00:04:21,145
if y'all don't mind,
l'm gonna take this young 'un with me...
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and find her a proper home.
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lt's crowning.
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Might as wells take this one, too.
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And that mess of them over there.
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- Pull!
- Clear!
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That one didn't make it.
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Daddy, how do l do a breast self-exam?
77
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Mens don't do that, Rusty.
78
00:04:43,377 --> 00:04:47,643
And mens don't lay no sissified eggs
out of their fancy butt glands neither.
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What we doing up here?
80
00:04:48,849 --> 00:04:52,751
We gonna de-bitchalate you, boy.
Make a man of you.
81
00:04:52,786 --> 00:04:56,449
Now, put on your camo 'cause
you got to blend in with nature.
82
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But...
But this is orange.
83
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No, no. Tangerine, boy.
You see, them deers is gonna think...
84
00:05:02,629 --> 00:05:06,087
this ain't nothing
but a common Georgia fruit tree...
85
00:05:06,133 --> 00:05:10,126
and we just two big friendly
deadly, deadly honeydews.
86
00:05:10,170 --> 00:05:13,469
- But, Daddy...
- Fruit don't talk.
87
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Fruit just listens.
88
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And waits.
89
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Look over yonder.
90
00:05:21,648 --> 00:05:23,843
Well, hot damn!
ls that lemon-flavored?
91
00:05:25,119 --> 00:05:27,019
Chocolate.
92
00:05:27,488 --> 00:05:33,051
Once them deer smell that birthday cake,
them sonofabitches will come running.
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Any minute now.
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The hunt is...
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on.
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00:06:00,187 --> 00:06:02,052
Ham box.
97
00:06:03,223 --> 00:06:05,248
Heavenly Father God...
98
00:06:05,292 --> 00:06:10,730
please be with these unborn
followers and shepherd them...
99
00:06:10,764 --> 00:06:15,963
these...things,
through the Valley of...
100
00:06:17,004 --> 00:06:19,302
- What are these, Sheriff?
- Squid.
101
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- Squid?!
- l think.
102
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That Cuyler clan?!
Up in the woods?!
103
00:06:23,510 --> 00:06:25,000
Just go on, Reverend.
104
00:06:26,447 --> 00:06:27,971
So, Lord...
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as part of your bizarre secret plan
that we don't understand...
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maybe have one of those bad things
happen just this once.
107
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Reverend!
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A ceiling tile could crush
this spawn of the devil all up!
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- What are you saying?!
- These need to die, and you know it!
110
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Reverend, come on now!
One of these eggs could grow up to be...
111
00:06:48,469 --> 00:06:51,996
Make a damn T-shirt.
lt's just more thieving drunks!
112
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lt's OK. The bad man's gone.
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Come on.
You haven't even touched this gingerbread.
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Daddy?! Daddy!
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00:07:09,556 --> 00:07:12,024
What's a deer look like?
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Like that right there!
Be a man, son!
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Blow his damn brains out.
Take him! Pop his face off!
118
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Do it! Do it!
Now is the time!
119
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Protect the damn cake, Rusty! Do it!
120
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Come on, you damn nut sprout.
Shoot his ass!
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Just squeeze the trigger, Rusty.
Come on.
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Do it now!
123
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Rusty desperately wanted to be a man.
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But he had too much bitch in him,
and deep inside his vagina, he knew that.
125
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Do it, do it!
126
00:07:41,054 --> 00:07:43,989
And so, at the last second,
he averted his rifle...
127
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and shot his granny.
128
00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:48,084
- Jesus!
- Granny!
129
00:07:48,128 --> 00:07:50,892
l've been filled by his spirit.
130
00:07:50,931 --> 00:07:54,094
Oh, no. Wait a minute.
l think that's the bullet.
131
00:07:54,134 --> 00:07:57,103
- l'm coming, Jesus.
- l'm sorry, Granny. You all right?
132
00:07:57,137 --> 00:07:59,367
lt's a talking honeydew!
133
00:07:59,406 --> 00:08:01,966
- lt's the Apocalypse!
- About to slap your lips!
134
00:08:02,009 --> 00:08:04,239
What the hell you doing
out here, woman?!
135
00:08:05,045 --> 00:08:09,243
l've been tracking
this cake for three days.
136
00:08:10,717 --> 00:08:13,379
Did one of you assholes just shoot me?
137
00:08:13,420 --> 00:08:16,685
Congratulations, son.
You bagged something.
138
00:08:16,723 --> 00:08:18,588
Go on now.
Bathe in the blood.
139
00:08:18,625 --> 00:08:21,025
l'd kind of rather have some cake.
140
00:08:23,897 --> 00:08:25,387
The cake is dead.
141
00:08:32,940 --> 00:08:34,908
What is that, Daddy?
142
00:08:34,942 --> 00:08:38,878
That there is a stress ball.
That's what it is, 'cause l'm angry!
143
00:08:38,912 --> 00:08:41,676
And l'm angry 'cause you pissed me off...
144
00:08:41,715 --> 00:08:45,515
aquestionizing me
about me and my mess all the time.
145
00:08:46,753 --> 00:08:49,881
You want me to kill it and be a man?
A big, big man?
146
00:08:49,923 --> 00:08:51,220
No, Rusty.
147
00:08:51,258 --> 00:08:54,819
l have learned much
from the Sheriff's pointless ramblings.
148
00:08:54,861 --> 00:08:58,490
We'll let this one live.
And he will thrive on this land...
149
00:08:58,532 --> 00:09:02,901
and one day grow strong,
and bloom into a musky man...
150
00:09:02,936 --> 00:09:07,373
that will preserve the Cuyler name
on through the coming race war.
151
00:09:25,726 --> 00:09:27,557
lt's a miracle.
152
00:09:28,729 --> 00:09:31,197
Straight from heaven.
153
00:09:31,231 --> 00:09:34,564
No, wait! lt's Dracula!
National Guard, come in!
154
00:09:34,601 --> 00:09:37,069
Send the Black Hawks!
They'll kill us all!
155
00:09:42,175 --> 00:09:45,372
What in the hell caused all this?
156
00:09:45,412 --> 00:09:49,007
God bless this bounty
of stolen thermometers...
157
00:09:49,049 --> 00:09:56,046
and their rich and smooth liquidy metally
deadly mirrored gravy innards.
158
00:09:56,089 --> 00:09:57,283
Amen.
159
00:09:57,324 --> 00:10:00,350
- l can't...
- Damn it, Russell, it's easy.
160
00:10:00,394 --> 00:10:04,728
Just pinch the tail and suck the head.
Just like a crawdaddy.
161
00:10:06,333 --> 00:10:08,096
Hi, Sheriff. What you doing here?
162
00:10:11,405 --> 00:10:13,566
You think l could crash here tonight?
163
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:20,000
Subtitles by
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164
00:10:20,050 --> 00:10:24,600
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