Original subtitles

doo-doo-doo-doo now this is an amusing

little one

its robust fruity yet dry

you know I always maintained that if you

have to depend on a wine gotta go right

to the source

France don't even so peaceful here with

you I mean it's so good it's so right

when I just finished a cigarette and

we'll go inside

me you really know how to turn a guy off

Jackie simple no would have been

sufficient

we

you

you

well

for

uh you drop this

Hey

Easter vacation mr. carpenter you bought

me tea city classes tonight Thank You

Guido here Happy Easter

it's for your kids I don't have any I'm

sorry I'm not I have my wife's faded for

Mother's Day

oh my find my headaches gone I ate on

the way home I picked up my salary check

and I move my bowels how are you my

kidney must be a larger connection oh

sure I miss you in melody Manor but

you've just gotta accept the fact that

I'm 24 years old I want to get my own

place it's been two years sooner or

later everybody leaves the nest

penguins stay with their mothers tilt

well I can't believe that penguins stay

with their mothers till death are you

trying to talk fire

Marlin Perkins could be wrong but only

if you want me to come along sure if you

want to come over you know I'd love to

see it of course you don't have to call

before you come Anna did you know that

Helen Keller was a fraud whom is it that

something it says so right here

Pollan Calif where is okay her cousin

heard her laugh and talked on the phone

with her accountant model did you bathe

today of course I bathed today

Oh Helen made millions but could only

enjoy it in the privacy of her own room

who can you trust

mom what do you read that trash make

sure that they are running back come

home Ella and I put into your father mom

he's not coming home it's been 18 years

think of all the time you waste making

dinner for him night after night taking

any chances this time I mean once he

asked me

what's for dinner over evert I used to

call your room mm-hmm and someday when

you grow up I'll explain it to you

anyway there's no dinner on the table

that night and one thing led to another

I haven't seen it with oh you're getting

is ready and so it's your way come away

from the window hi MA sit down here we

um I know you're lonely

hey I'm lonely too huh what do you know

about loneliness you had a woman here

last night no way you did I heard you

through the door I did not have a woman

in here listen it doesn't make any

difference to me I don't care what you

did you didn't so let's just forget it

all right

but you did have a woman here last night

well this may be very hard for you to

believe but I've never had a woman in

here never never

little stirred oh never never never

never never never never never never

are you a fairy

before you enter that door the edifice

fix your tie and melody would you give

me that cupcake every 600 there are

grass stains all over the back of your

skirt did you fall down on your date

again Claire Navi isn't this a beautiful

day for baptism and a wonderful act of

old easiest rippln gift what a happy day

for you Margaret congratulation never

again I still can't sit down you know

you little stallion I'm Jewish can I

still go in of course just don't pray I

personally had nothing to do with that

what mrs. carpenter how nice to see you

again after all this time how's the

family Lionel well lionel still teaching

citizenship to foreigners in night

school and he's working towards his MA

in botany

but best of all his skin is cleared up

how about little melody I was always so

fond of her I've grown up forever and hi

big melody now I do do this yeah

well God loves you she's a truck she'll

need a forklift to get into heaven I

know isn't she adorable Oh Reverend

would you mention Mel's name at Easter

services tomorrow

your husband is always in my prayers

mrs. carpenter no I mean out loud ask

the crowd if they've seen him

hey guess who's back guess who's back

from their kid doesn't then right so hey

second that you go back oh so to stick

out that test give me five

a diesel soldier when did you get back

from Vietnam Danny I've been back two

years this coming June over the dam

stockade yeah we didn't know word course

you did that's what great units son of

if it's Kelly got all the publicity what

a lousy deal Danny hell don't matter I

don't carry no good unless of course

you're a piss color good you know I

decided and you're part of President

accounted for

Oh looking good auntie Carmen fariña

our nicest thing are you here for all

I'm stationed here now pretty lady I'm

chief would start girls on reserve base

oh did you hear that isn't that

wonderful

Oh instructor what do you teach bayonet

ma'am bayonet oh I love that little lady

you know Lionel your mama is such a

state I mean it seems so right that we

all meet again here a chick so tell me

kid to be getting any dude

okay bless please day children che this

case M they help and II may be a little

Chen hua held kid that yellow woman

could love I mean she cheered me every

way but loose

Pamela's thought about bring her back to

the States why didn't you land mine got

it I'm sorry again

hell I'm not I said a damped slope she

was dealing cigarettes out of my

footlocker not my say okay

okay mal pay and course the nice thing

about sleeping with the orphans is that

they can never tell the folks on you

know what I mean that's it awful I'll

tell you what office did you ever have

an Apache woman

and the email Bhushan archway out a

orphan kaimei is please okay

women giggle no stories it's just

between us guys kid that's just that I

don't have anything to tell you Danny

come on everybody's good at least one

good story that's what cousins are for

about how about a parochial school girl

everybody's got at least one parochial

school girl story

hey done tell me your parochial school

girls - I'll break your arm swear to you

Danny I've never been with a woman I'll

never forget you for this Danny I mean

who did you get what are you gonna do to

me honest wall to wall poems oh my god

what's your name beat me I'm taking you

to a place that never fails you just

take your babe

take like piggy huh Oh Danny Danny you

pick it for me oh no hey I don't know

your sexual tape I mean what might turn

me on I make you physically sick and on

attack I'm not this years old buddy

Fadiman granola did I lie huh look chick

City look around is this place too much

hey hey hey where you going so Mingo

watch me

fine ass the name satisfactions the game

buzzer Pig what'd you say what'd you say

the girlfriend didn't like listen hey

what will split up

I'll check the action at the donut table

you just continue to mingle move around

knock yourself out I'm ready yet swing

kid hi my name is Lionel carpenter keep

practicing I like your move you guys I

can't get up

I've been here for four days will you

happy

sure look I'll get you donut hello I

having fun would you like a dance nice

talking to you Danny

bingo bingo so anyways we have this

chaplain mm you know Rose yeah a little

small Bible he kept right over here one

night he got hit by 83 tracer bullets

want to hit America not one of those

bullets hit that Bible oh excuse me what

do you mean by that huh one by one

listen sold you don't get any ideas

because I'm a volunteer here period

I'll pour your coffee I'll help you

write your letters home I'll listen to

your troubles but that's it

none of that other stuff one of us I

know what you're thinking see because I

could see in your eyes but you're wrong

I'm not that kind of woman

happily married four wonderful kids

twice a week I work as a candy striper

at the hospital for the criminally

insane I just want to set you straight

understand good come on so what's with

you my cousin's outside

you'll just have to wait his turn I'm in

trouble animal can't take no for an

answer

my lady isn't safe a street these days

well sure there are other things because

section huh Oh mother that's a music

Howard treat yeah art art pottery

painting and waving oh my god you broke

my zipper oh right now visible woman

listen miss no names no names Chris you

got a quarter

come on drunk mom oh my god honey cake

cake honey let's go bowling

oh my god oh hey cowboy this is it take

me take me now bite me call me

what are you thinking Kemosabe gonna get

a bowling machine in my apartment

I smell something funny but I said I

smell something funny you mean me don't

you

you god damn dog duo like I didn't put

your goddamn on to get in here you know

thanks Danny

and that in a nutshell is why we don't

like Hitler okay any questions never are

any questions head here a long time has

never been one question okay next Monday

all right on Monday next Monday on a day

after Sunday I'd like you to read pages

136 through 138 okay

136 to 138

okay 186 to one three eight study

carefully because it explains in great

detail what the Bill of Rights means to

you so she

yes mr. Sanchez yes

mr. Sanchez yes mr. son

Qwest business goodbye goodbye it's time

to go goodbye

come on study study immigration

are you alright mr. carpenter oh yeah

yeah yeah I'm fine just this feeling a

little dizzy that's all thank you miss I

think I'm gonna be sick Oh

miss miss I wanted to thank you for

being so considerate before I think I

don't know what's come over me lately

I've been having these dizzy spells I

didn't do anything

oh yes you did good you did and the

least I can do is you know pay to have

your skirts are clean

oh don't bother I'll just burn it uh no

I'd like to miss some miss sadaqa so

going near Sobotka civilians Sobotka's

sorry this about it's beautiful in

that's that's our mission

Oh special right I'm in your citizenship

class oh I know you do I'm sure I've

noticed you you stick out like a sore

thumb that's because I have to wear my

little sister's sweater no no I I didn't

mean and I I didn't mean that at all

can I buy you a cup of coffee I'd love

it

you know what I've learned the time once

you told me about your sister

oh and she lives with my mother I'm

really proud of her she's come someday

she's gonna be big tap dancer is she

good I think so right now she's working

as a taster in a candy factory but

you'll see someday she's gonna be famous

would you like to be famous nobody huh

no no I I just I just really love

teaching I know there's no money in or

anything but I've never felt that money

was important I mean do you feel that

money is important

oh no I don't think money is important

at all yeah I mean it money can't buy

happiness I mean people who have a lot

of material things are always selfish

and miserable they tend to overlook the

really important things in life like

like peat moss dead beefy that's not a

heads it's a thing animal its middle up

it's a fertilizer I'm really into it I'm

not kidding I hope someday to become the

foremost authority on the subject but

it's gonna take a lot more user stunning

I think education really can't I was the

first person in my family even graduate

from high school but they're really

proud of my family oh no we don't trust

educated people

really according to legend Louis Pasteur

gave my great-great uncle the class okay

are you okay oh so what do you want to

do with your life me uh-huh

well I hope to be somebody really

worthwhile someday like work with a

handicapped or install mufflers the

fields wide open for women you know

noble dreams have gone your noble dreams

and then again I am getting pressured

into going into the family business

Oh what does your father do he plays the

accordion and begs

here we are

uh good night my books oh no these are

yours

sorry Thanks hmm would you like to come

in yes if it's okay I mean it's not too

late no

my mother's with the Sailor so you have

to be quiet okay

who's this he's my brother see all right

fine

Oh try not to step on his mouth he's got

asthma

Arizona I see you taking a long voyage

that's on water Wow I know would you

like to hear more about your future for

an additional 80 cents Oh would I drown

what if he drowned what I'm gonna drown

hello sir would you like a fortune told

mother this is my friend and teacher

Lionel carpenter ah lion-o this is my

mother

Oh awful wouldn't be too much trouble

I'd love to isn't he gonna join us

grandfather

well he never leaves the set he doesn't

want to miss the Ed Sullivan Show but ed

Sullivan died years ago oh I know we

told him Sir

the Ed Sullivan Show is over it's been

canceled so they said oh well thank you

not guys who does what's for supper your

favorite hamster isn't even Thanksgiving

yep

excuse me yeah may I go to the bathroom

okay

never mind I don't have to go ah because

I'm just not feeling mama why don't has

been sick a lot that you don't know

watch grandma Sanel oh that's a great

idea grandma's never long no no no don't

trouble yourselves it's nothing is maybe

this is a virus no trouble you're among

friends

mother yeah I know cause I love it - the

daughter Makenna thon Lionel hey say hey

hey

Hank definitely sweet'n low

very nice

Oh how many times do I have to tell you

guys Melody's got home now go away and

come back in a half an hour it's me Mom

oh well hello stranger

can I talk to you for a second sure

honey have you eaten because it'd be no

trouble at all for me to fix you a

little coke in the banana no all right

let me turn off my program ma lifter

when did you first know that you were

pregnant pregnant yeah I mean when did

you first know you are trying to tell me

what I think you're trying to tell me

your sister your sister oh my god I need

you oh it's incense

you

Carlos Mendoza Carlos Mendoza the doctor

will see you now

Oh screw him Levine Helen vain Helen the

beam minosa melanosome have your wife

fill this out and fill this up

hey-oh so hard to hit the paper mrs.

Stafford you are a pool and you're

leaking all over my desk and you've been

eating asparagus again you notice I said

the doctor will see you now

Russ's yes can't even speak English I

wonder their own welfare one they stay

out of bed all over this uh doctor the

doll uh I'm Carlos minosa won't you have

a seat

no she hit nurse time call maintenance

I have sperm all over my desk again

sorry

now what was that trouble oh this is

gonna sound really strange it's just

it's gonna sign so but about six weeks

ago yeah where a jack door my door my

aha hold it cowgirls sick babies have

ears to run the regular tests on this

Munoz we'll be back for the results

tomorrow at 11:00 Oh endure charge the

wetback triple John's the wetback triple

mr. Munoz thinks he's prey you throwing

my lunch

hahahahahaha fair is just fair

he's here doctor hello vet tell mr.

Munoz huh what are the lab safe I mean I

was wrong wasn't I I mean I've been

acting really crazy have a nice Terman

oza

you may be a very fortunate young man of

course this was just a preliminary test

but Teddy sure it's dead I'll see for

yourself in goes to go Derek out go

Savannah it doesn't it yeah come on wake

up please wait

mr. rabbit has expired mr. minosa of

course wöhler do further tests tears of

joy

Manasa don't set your hopes too high yet

there are other reasons a rabbit could

die old age heart there's lots of

cholesterol in carrots you know please

just get that thing out of my sight oh

of course

would you like me to save your foot it

just for luck oh then again you're a

foreigner all right chef you'll probably

want to sell it just cut off the head

remove those claws sew on a button and

you got a spiffy little coat for a

toddler of course if we're right if

we're right mr. Munoz that me I call you

Carlos do you know what this means

you'll make medical history

the fame the fortune worse they'll be

the book and the records the movie sell

I'll probably be asked to play myself

naturally we'll do the Johnny Carson

show but we must remember Carlos no

matter how much they beg

we will not appear with a guest toast oh

I don't have any spare change oh hey

what are you doing could you stop

supplying it I'm not going to see you

colonist staff they're gonna kill me I

can't we're gonna worship you worship me

the other night at you that's grandma

remembered something according to an old

legend one day a simple plain person

would come to us an outsider that nobody

knows and he would bring us our King our

Messiah

Lionel do you know who you are you or

that nobody we will never leave your

side our people will guide you

constantly your slightest wish is our

command you're crazy you're all crazy or

I'm crazy I gotta get out of here I

gotta get a kick

where to anywhere just drive my rule

accepted it's God's will you've been

chosen isn't it wonderful wonderful

chosen for what to be a freak I can't

believe what's happening to me what am I

gonna do what girls do I said an

abortion I'll get an abortion

now driver take me to an abortion you

know somebody claims please no way man I

don't want to get involved I'm a family

man you can be carrying around another

bethoven off of Altair

I knew Stevie Wonder's nope I don't know

parts of it it's $20 in it to you

I can't believe I mean I can't believe

it

two doctors in a carhop and nobody could

help me with my problem no lion and the

car hub came so highly recommended why

can't you just accept this and be happy

it's a very beautiful thing look at you

you're glowing

it's heartburn so corny what am I gonna

do I mean why me 20 million years of

evolution and I have to become the first

man ever to become pregnant I couldn't

have been somebody else William the

conquerer anybody Wilt Chamberlain I

mean he's tall he could carry better and

nobody would have laughed at them do you

know why because they're famous me I've

never been able to do anything right in

my whole life how am I gonna handle this

I mean what am I gonna do you must stop

torturing yourself it's not your fault

you're pregnant it is my fault it is and

do you know why because when we did it I

let her get on top but Oh what the devil

is going on around here this entire

building is surrounded by a gang of

dirty diseased musicians our neighbors

are beginning to complain that things

are missing and for two days now I've

been getting meat in the mail and this

morning I got a chicken alive chicken

postage due

but it's very moment as we are speaking

there is a crazy live chicken running

around my dinette set I know who is

sending your mother meat and chicken in

the mail are these people oh is this how

is this what is this have you been

smoking your friends'll plants again

excuse me mrs. carpenter you don't know

man that's the way I want to keep it is

she the one who teaches you to talk

dirty mom mrs. sue go in your sandbox

and don't think I don't know what that

means I want you out of here and started

my son mom you have no right talking

who's that it's a fresh eel mrs.

carpenter they're considered a rare

delicacy among my people my mom but I

thought it was my husband oh oh fish

stew before dessert

Lionel what's going on around here

mother I've been trying to tell you that

a circuit belfie

surgeon self seen your mother is here

with your watches repeat

your mother is here with your mom are

you you you better stay down so the

doctor sees you how long have I been

here they brought you in last night

about 10:00 you've been out almost 14

hours they didn't tell you what was

wrong with me today oh no no no no they

just did ran a lot of tests on you

oh oh oh then let me introduce myself

I'm amazing Frank the human cannonball

Wow I've seen you in the circus what

happened my wife's idea of a joke I

suppose she shoots me off you know

strange ever since she met that Rika

she's been shooting me all over the ting

ah get to you later coming here yes

obviously another one of our wrong

diagnosis gentlemen Hey next case

and shot yeah good good morning good

morning

now this man obviously no matter what he

thinks will not go through so please say

this is so it isn't so it is a soul oh

good

gentlemen what did we just learn here

Legolas midgets are gullible Dimebag is

baby thanks gay mr. I know carpenter

charge get one here hey beautiful

mr. garbages charge says that is

temperature is normal this vision is

normal blood pressure normal circulation

normal cardiogram normal x-ray normal

that one the chart indicates that

everything is normal what does a good

doctor do gentleman penguins

cut him open right now the woman who

brought this patient in told the night

resident that he was also suffering from

and I quote lies heartburn continual

nausea moderate swelling of the ankles

and extremities pectoral expansion

intestinal cramps methodical vomiting

and weight gain accompanied by massive

hormonal productivity these are all

classic symptoms of war gentlemen

Berkowitz midget

dying men these are all classic symptoms

of pregnancy gentlemen the chart

indicates that this man is pregnant

bullshit

pity he would have been a brilliant

doctor now we cannot fault

Berkowitz can we mr. carpenter mr.

Lionel Garvin - or should I say lyin

Ella just what are you trying to pull

happens to be my opinion that you are

trying to use this hospital's facilities

for your own perverted pleasure ah

pregnant pregnant my ass if you were

pregnant you'd be in a private room

surrounded by the top medical minds of

our staff no yeah no Carpenter you're

not pregnant if you want to know what

you are you are a schmuck oh I hope so

and what do you say schmuck that uh that

this man is pregnant good then we are

all in agreement

Oh doctors as head of this hospital I

want nothing to be revealed to the

outside world until the data is totally

irrefutable not only for my reputation

but for that of a hospital we can ill

afford another blunder like the Hertzog

bladder mix-up please choose I still

don't understand how you could confuse a

bladder and a heart during a transplant

operation please Judas you promise me

you realize because of you someday in

the city a man is walking around on

every time his heart beats he bets his

shirt to go to die mr. rubadoux yah yes

peekaboo Z do you have any questions mr.

carpenter when can I go home oh not for

a long long time we feel it is better

you read name in our hands Oh doc you

try to get

the little sleeve ah and I will

personally see you tomorrow baby

Gavin doctors let us hit the hemorrhoid

wad then we get the little dr. velinski

dr. velinski emergency emergency

patients check has asked hey you're

gonna have to do better and metric

Arvinder remember you almost had a

miscarriage almost doesn't count Bronco

alright when people find out about me

they're gonna laugh well smash him you

know what I mean

hey listen you're a lucky guy kids are

really great yeah I wish I had a son I

call him Slugger yeah we go out hunting

together trapping animals killing them

skinning them here we'd have a great

time not just that is everything

see there's no mother I'm not married

I'll marry you huh get out of here get

out of my room think about it Lionel I

already got the gown Oh

Sigourney did you see that guy did you

see him he asked me to marry him did you

give him your answer so can you come

here

Oh Maya I know you're disappointed about

the baby but I'm glad you didn't lose it

I had my family react very badly at

first your sister tried to kill herself

she walked all night unarmed to the

Puerto Rican section of town is she all

right

they must have thought so she came home

with 12 dollars more than she left with

and my mother Oh fine once Tito promised

to steal her a Cadillac

but the best news yet we found the most

wonderful doctor for you when do you

think you'll be able to come home they

won't let me leave

that's nonsense but on your clothes and

come with me they took them all away

lion-o when will you ever learn for my

family closer never probably hi : coming

through hi : coming through please don't

say anything I just wear a babe

screw Florence Nightingale what did she

know be nice to see Keaton a sticky hmm

who's the doctor you got for me late

today the infamous dr. Mario lull was

released from federal prison still

insisting I didn't mean for her to die

the can opener was sterilized at the

time his arrest Lowell was peddling

mail-order artificial hernias and

charged with snorting laetrile you know

doctor when I carried my children I

never stopped eating cheese and and

drinking milk and you've never had a

broken bone in your life now have you

and melody bless her heart one break in

her entire life

oh and it was her pelvis they said it

went snap during a high school senior

hey that can happen Kenny Oh indeed oh

we where's melody I haven't seen her for

a few moments you're right your momma oh

now what's my little girl doing under

the table

thanks Patti I like to be white yeah

in a few minutes oh that's the star I'm

so blessed

a musical daughter a pregnant son my

male will had magic through his loins

that's a very interesting point mrs.

Ryan i'ma class did you all understand

Mrs Rinehart question of course not an

answer to Mrs Rinehart question the

picture of President Lincoln on this

five-dollar bill is not life-sized mr.

Lincoln's head was same size as yours

and mine he couldn't have been president

if his head was this son yes mrs.

Barzani are there any other questions

mrs. Bose oniy you alright mr. Boies are

you okay we gotta get her Ross

oh no time she's gonna have a baby any

second you're going we've gotta get to

school there

hey boys I mean my brain will be here

gently gently

get something soft forehead you lift her

in there off her feet

only don't worry better think

everything's gonna be okay just relax

helps on the way mr. Boies Oni tell me

what Oh mrs. boss oh honey I don't even

know you mr. Barzani just please relax

everything

Oh mrs. Broyles gone just misses cards

on this just push a little more just a

bit more mrs. Bolger

floor just just a little bit more verses

both honey please that's it that's it

just a little Oh

Tony hey

congratulations mrs. bozo you have a new

citizen take a look

next big snore sup wool girl

forgotten sweetie you know it's a weed

of Ikea stop or do some yoga boost even

after boots dog rooster Oh aren't you

tired are you kidding I've never felt

better in my life did you see that baby

oh I was so proud of everything you did

I was right there I helped bring that

little guy into the world so going it

was incredible I know I saw it in your

face

it it's it's a miracle I mean birth is

like a miracle I mean it's the beginning

of a whole new life do you know what's

Agana do you know what what life I want

to have my baby I want to have my baby

also go and you won't be easy I mean

especially for you

towards the end we're probably gonna

have to go someplace but if we can keep

it quiet once I've had it we can live

anywhere just like any regular husband

and wife I mean if you if you be the

wife would you marry me

yes liar and now you're not just saying

it because you feel sorry for me sorry

Lionel I'm lucky

I am not stupid doctors this story has

been leaked to the newspapers by one of

you but no one goes home until I figure

out who it is doctor the hallways full

of reporters what do I do

keep looking for carpenters address nice

gentlemen they must find this Capitol

realize the consequences if they decides

this is a hoax no more government

subsidies no more grants they came up to

live on the glory of a Gucci bypass beg

forever I found it doctors I found it

mr. carpenters address it was in Broncos

locker

it's figures thank you my telling me to

slow down it is my daughter come

daughters I will convince carpenter to

talk to the press a whole reaction to

tonight's special report on male

motherhood we take you to New York and

the eminent obstetrician and

gynecologist

dr. T and C Fishbein this comes as no

great shock to me of course or to many

of my colleagues as you know evolution

does do some wacky things take the frog

for instance yeah do you foresee any

problems doctor the actual delivery

could present a serious problem for me

at work if necessary I'll turn you

upside down and shake it out of your

mouth well as in the carpet incident

Nature has a way of filling a void the

loneliness has often led to the ticking

of strange bedfellows case in point the

herd of boy sheep found in the Scottish

Highlands not only do their facial

structures that are striking resemblance

to their shadows but when startled they

often meet cries of hot mom

Oh more simply Oh baby oh my dear but by

the children and because of this Lionel

carpenter the 614 questions we've asked

regarding childbirth and pregnancy have

have been an error they've told us it's

all wrong

and this requires recalling 500 subject

to contestants back to our show as an

estimated cost of 1 million two hundred

forty six thousand five hundred ninety

two dollars approximately three

microwave ovens and friends we don't

have it we don't have it it's it's not

in our buddy with God so after 15 years

of the Hollywood Squares this is goodbye

for me your friend fear marshaled from

dick and dicker beverly helps for the

makers of ragu spaghetti sauce flannel

bubble gum till poof so good just turn

it off please Felton go without the

thing hold it one more question

do you plan to have a cesarean or in

your case a Cleopatra I really don't

look too bad doing on the front page and

fashion Italy the back page in Israel

and the middle page in China why did you

talk to his report I figured they knew

anyhow besides I wanted to tell my side

of it and what's so bad about being

famous even for a second hmm like this

in Madrid I'm ELF Rico I was so

frightened of what was going to happen

that's why I came right over

I guess I can't blame you you want to

break our engagement I mean I want to be

married to old Rico but oh honey please

just don't hurt me with your words just

go home and go quick Lionel listen to me

I came because I wanted to be with you

this week simple man I love

why no nothing has changed and nothing

can make it change nobody call these

boys on I got put ten spots to this news

lady's head before you can touch me

beggar Danny it's okay yetiz Danny it's

okay put your gun away their friends are

protecting me you sure I'm sure

quick jig on away Danny Danny what's the

matter with you you heard her she loves

it to jira my nose sweetheart

have no fear bond ops here instead of a

gun you look good let me look at you

pull it stand my dear pull back those

jewel to stick out that chest suck in

that gut no no stick out that care well

you're hardly showing blitz okay miss my

record stuck with smaller sizes what are

you talking about talking about miss

Myra no miss Mayer and maternity fashion

incorporated she's now our first closer

than she's gonna make you a complete

maternity wardrobe every chair for just

a couple small snapshot while she's

cutting she'll thrown a cashmere

parachute who made a deal with a

clothing designer you manage it we're in

show business now kid I don't need a

manager and what do you know about show

business anyhow what do I know about

show business

yes the router the grease paint the

smell of the clown who need to get the

best seats three years running for the

Bob Hope overseas Christmas show me

Montreux I can see right up I need a

Bryant's dress oh it wasn't pretty but I

was there not to mention my close

personal relationship of Korea's finest

female ventriloquist

when I gimmicks she had she could make a

chit star hello hello how old you ask me

where I know about show business I'm

gonna make us rich kid we don't want to

be rich we just want to be left alone

we who is this Broadway no this is a

garnish Ibaka Danny we're engaged

yeah what talk to zipper look I got work

to do please boys with us yes all right

boys over here moment what i watch to go

out to the lobby and get me the lazy boy

lounger only the gold in the hoggar hide

ones leave the olive drab set for me

move hut hut hut hut hey Danny what is

this gonna cost me cause young here are

they gonna cost you nothing you're a big

celebrity they're gonna give you a whole

living room suit although one is a

statement saying you Lionel carbon

they're gonna knock up on their couch

small potato

what's a fondue latoque what are we

gonna make any man with the phone off

the hook

hello the way I figured each phone calls

gonna be worth ten big ones hello nine

months of glory production handles a

Lionel copper no wonder mother tell your

deal uh Lionel please do not we don't

need but they're really nice it's not

right why not if everybody's gonna laugh

at me at least I should get something

out of it besides I didn't do anything

dishonest it uh no okay then what's so

terrible I'll just be careful what I

accept no way you CBS guys get to check

out Lionel before we get the money

because you gotta take my word for it

what do you mean what do I know

uterus of course I know what that is

he killed Julius Caesar hold hold it hey

I just may decide to go a pay-tv yeah

the money's up front and we can show -

Gentiles yeah you still on the phone huh

what did all these things come from

business associates mama look I'll give

her that way to hear the deals I made

they're gonna blow your mind away first

of all we gotta start a meeting good

morning good morning oh I got a

complaint I was on the phone this

morning to a very important individual

who owns a baby food concern and this

this piece of caca past when I meant to

call

anyways I'm so close to closing this

deal for you to be jumped by Evel

Knievel I don't mean junk dirty I mean

jumped over 19 Volkswagen nothing to

worry about he's already jumped nine I

just felt something oh and I had several

calls for you up here with Gladys Knight

in the poof who typed us I just felt

life yeah he's really the big one

you ready I know you haven't picked the

name for new arrival yet I know it's a

personal thing but please dwell in this

and remember there's 50,000 bucks riding

on this what do you think about naming

the baby the Flamingo Hotel and Casino

carbonate something what's a baby no the

50,000 seargent ma off hello

he Presidente of all company soldier

United States of America oh yes we'll

accept charges

mr. president sir

this is sergeant Daniel Danny bond off

yes sir thank you sir we'd be delighted

Tuesday afternoon Tuesday is no good for

us or how about Wednesday morning yes

sir Oh mr. president while I have you on

the phone sir that I would like to say

to you that in these days when

patriotism is no longer in fashion that

I am proud to wear my uniform I have

power to defend my country I am house

defend my flag I am proud hello hello he

hung up on me do you believe this is

that really the president you better

believe it we're invited to a White

House now remember after the president

the next one to fill your tummy must be

the Secretary of Labor and as a

demonstration of how proud your fellow

Americans are of your achievement this

morning Congress proclaimed that today

July fifth and all the July 5th to come

will be known as line or carpenter day

now the governor of Kansas tried to get

me to declare today a national emergency

due to the fact that tornadoes have

killed thousands of people in his state

but I said screw nameless I said let's

move on ahead with line or coffin today

Oh get to the stamp and so in your honor

as the first childbearing male in

history the postal department has

approved this new commemorative stamp as

you can see it fixtures the late

President Dwight d Eisenhower nursing

and infant now is doing it upside-down

oh I feel it only appropriate that your

name be associated with something to do

with mail delivery as mal e mail

delivery you get it ha ha ha mail

delivery mal

cutting puns twerp get down to business

mr. president sir I'm truly honored you

should be let's face it son at the

moment you are the hot item which is

precisely why I am sending you on a four

month goodwill tour representing America

all over the world tomorrow you're gonna

be honored at the UM the you in honoring

you old Lionel why no I'm not just any

ordinary guy and so long a carpenter by

bearing your child you are not merely

bringing a new life into this world but

rather bringing this world into a new

era the leaders of the world welcome you

everyone here

urges you to take your rightful place

among them all past progress pales

compared to what you have accomplished

next to you the moonwalk was doo doo

Neil Armstrong was the first American I

ever dated Neil Sedaka is my favorite

singer Neil I said Neil hit the floor I

queen of the British Empire

Oh what's left of it

here by Dolly oh shit no more my simple

follow me swear multi total or they'll

say the total wrong song the gift watch

it no cookies okay it's all right I'll

take it anyway they'll be glad to fix it

for me when I get to Switzerland it's

all right

okay don't watch it

don't you ever go out onto the balcony

in person mr. Pope

never again don't don't repeat John's

keep messing on my holy hat immigrant

sir

hey you're a nice guy you ever come to

our you want to look me up huh

and don't forget to bring the missus you

bowl don't you bring your bag honey no

to busyness she get there absolutely

breathtaking who would used to bite them

those the shoes of the fisherman yeah

don't don't

I'm Vanetta your jungle bunny would you

like some water man thank you

oh wait a minute miss oh it's a heavy

load you have there

thank you very much my friends may I

present

Oh boo - and Lester has to be working

the jungle and around again hey Lester I

hate it you living a small hut how small

is it my Hut is so small that I have to

go outside to change my mind

notice that when Lester speaks booties

lips do not move my legs I heard that

your wife is bad how bad am g my wife is

so fat that when she sits around a hut

she sits around the hut lion I rent

lucky to be having all this happening to

us why not I deserve it

from the cremation so soon Mensa here

I left early possum ah his smell was

unbearable they forgot to remove the

diseased tennis shoes make a note in the

future all spectators who wish to stand

close to a funeral pyre will be searched

for marshmallows the deceased immediate

family rarely have a sense of humor

undress me my sorry you sorry I am not

sorry I did not know the dead man oh my

knees oarfish he must I would make a

note

I wish to dispatch speakers on birth

control to every remote village in India

pamphlets alone no longer work what's

happened to all the bookings uncut

reception you said that last month madam

Mundi the women aid them and then ran

off to make love and on a holy did he

tell me oh it's nothing sacred D cow

Eddie cat D burned

I know I know perhaps Menza he this

speaker should talk to the man or so

what are we talking about your stupid

locust servant mr. carpenter he is but

one he is but one but others will follow

others will followed the world is

overpopulated now already there is lack

of food lack of work lack of land and if

men have babies our troubles will double

triple quick mishima D telephone I must

advise all the heads of state Moscow

calling watching the signal felipao -

flashing to Paris for emotions in this

year

gentlemen there'll be no

trick-or-treating tonight oh heck why

can't we go this time mr. president has

that carpenter thing again I've been

getting shit from all over the globe

everybody's worried about a population

explosion blaming it all on America

cause he is American any yes sir he is

then get him back here I want him back

by morning

I don't know why but no matter what we

do we always wind up the laughingstock

of the world and so in the middle of

what appeared to be a triumphant

goodwill tour the entire carpenter party

including the seven-month pregnant

Lionel carpenter was removed from

Holland during the dedication of a can I

say this it's been clear all the Dyke

then jetted directly back to America

where angry crowds have been gathering

in the parking lot behind his home

what time is it 3:00 what times 8

o'clock what type ah thank you

they took everything back that's after

all I did for them you know something

Danny it's a good thing we got most of

that money up front huh I mean I can't

take the cash back right Jess

cashed any of the cash from the pictures

of souvenirs you know the cash so we

don't have any cash on him hey my boy

mr. president I made this for you

nothing says lovin like something from

the freezer but it's safe mr. president

you made it no sir

well folks been telling me to eat it all

across this great country of ours which

is precisely why I'm here we're gonna do

a little down-home talking come here

well

do you love your country of course I

love my country mr. president not mr.

president - you just plain old Lee Ron

Bob of course I love my country

Lee Ron Bob good I'm glad go that's why

I'm here your country wants you to do

something now sure what is it that baby

hall is enough trouble you want me to

stop the publicity lying old buddy I

want you to stop that baby that's

impossible

impossible there's nothing impossible in

this great nation of ours

land of the free home of the brave and

all that crap

I don't think so what is it with you boy

you hurting for money or something tell

you what I'll do I'm gonna throw in

$100,000 for 100,000 have all to throw

in 50% of the flower shop at Arlington

National Cemetery I don't even want to

discuss it Lee run Bob mr. president to

you boob

look right outside that window is a

mighty angry mob and ain't no tellin how

long they gonna wait now I'm gonna give

you just one hour to make up your mind

about that baby and you better make the

right decision cause if you don't I'm

not gonna be responsible for your safety

what the hell kind of an American are

you anyway mr. president sir I know this

is probably not the appropriate time but

have you ever considered going to war

against Switzerland I mean they have no

army I know we can beat the thick of all

of scout you boil the pee out of me and

another thing mr. president is it true

that only Jewish kids can go to Camp

David Oh lion hmm Lionel I was so proud

of you I was worried though but coz for

a moment I thought you might give in you

might say yes yes for what $100,000 and

all that junk no way we can get more

than that

why where are you going it doesn't

matter anywhere I don't believe you

what's happened to you you're willing to

solve anything for money well I don't

want any part of it sure show you just

like all the rest of them you know that

first sign of trouble boom turn right

against you're the one who's turned

Lionel you become everything you used to

hate you're greedy you're selfish you're

self-centered whatever happened to that

simple nauseas boy I fell in love with

at a coffee shop whatever happens your

deals you're dreaming all that stuff

about Pete Moss was all compost wasn't

it

come on out come on out here Lionel

copper do you have exactly two minutes

or so left me in an Athlon oh this is

your mother speaking so woman who gave

you life who clothed you who nursed you

until she was raw final do what these

people want you to do here he comes

is tearing out the back

string them up leave me alone

what are you gonna do about baby

oh no don't let him this is America let

him speak

Ben Lynch him you all think that I'm

some kind of a bad guy up until a few

days ago I was a hero I didn't want to

be either one something just happened to

me who cares what are you gonna do about

the baby you don't care about my baby

and you don't really care and you're not

really afraid of overpopulation what the

hell are we you're afraid of me Oh

difference but what you don't understand

is you're different you're different and

you're different and you're different

and we're all different and isn't it

wonderful that we're different why your

mother exactly but not for another few

weeks

lino lino you better get back right away

catch the buds

it has now been over six weeks since

Lionel carpenters disappearance and the

international manhunt for the modern

world's most wanted man continues as

carpenter is likely to be in disguise no

one can be considered above suspicion

particularly the pregnant and the portly

an unconfirmed report states that thrush

Kate Smith on her annual pre-christmas

goodwill tour has been knocked down 16

times assaulted twice and once been

beaten beyond recognition by a group of

pacifists world leaders growing more

apprehensive as the time of delivery

approaches have pledged their UNICEF

funds the money usually designated for

desperately need children toward a

handsome reward for the capture of

Lionel carpenter now for the national

weather scene as Christmas trees are

being lit all over the world snow

continues to blanket most of our country

including for the first time the

Southern California area and now on a

happier note the American retail

Merchants Association reports that in

spite of the international manhunt

Christmas shoppers are turning out in

record-breaking numbers once again

viewers our caution that all plump

fat or suspicious-looking citizens are

subject to an on-the-spot search and

seizure

you

know is finally stopping listen how

peaceful it is what is it darling are

you alright then alright ever since you

came back I think it's time for the hot

water now if they're too early hot

toddies never too early what is it it's

okay I'll make it okay is it still

Christmas Eve yes and it won't be long

now just thanks Agana once the baby is

born everything will be all right we can

start all over again

Oh someplace new just normal average

people

what

I love you I love you

I think this is it

you

oh my god it's a girl

Oh

we do for you

we

you

Oh

you