Original subtitles

Man: L.A.... what a town.

It's the only place 4 in the morning,

you got bumper-to-bumper traffic.

We have the most careful drivers in l.A.

They're always giving hand signals.

Yeah... the finger.

I'll tell you one thing about l.A....

The population never changes.

Yeah, every time a kid is born,

some guy leaves town.

Oh, nowhere else on earth

are the people more beautiful...

Gorgeous women, handsome men.

Huh, the trouble is,

you can't tell which is which.

Hey, look at that... The santa monica pier.

I like to go fishing there.

Oh, I tell you...

I go fishing, I catch nothing.

I go to orgies, I catch everything.

Oh, I'll tell you, this town is really booming,

and I helped build it.

I'm monte peterson, land developer.

Hey, there's one of my towers.

And there's a new office building I'm erecting.

I also erected a new sports complex.

I erected a downtown library.

I get erections all over this town.

And I started from scratch.

When I was a kid, I had nothing.

We were poor.

We were so poor, when my father died,

they asked my mother, "paper or plastic?"

Oh, now that I got a few bucks,

I'm happy to say I can help out where it's needed.

And I'm sorry to say

that I'm the number one prize chump

when it comes to women.

[Sigh]

Where the hell is he?

You can drop me off right here, baby.

Oh, honey, park the car. I won't be long.

And by the way, the offer I made you...

It still goes... I'll give you a thousand bucks.

Let me spend an hour with you.

I'm sorry. It's just not enough.

Ok, I'll spend 2 hours with you.

Aren't you afraid of sexual harassment?

You know, kid, with me, it's sexual embarrassment.

The last time I had sex, I was arrested

for assault with a dead weapon.

Come on.

Woman: Well, there's no way.

Man: Whoa, I never expected to see my 2 ex-wives here.

They're here as defense witnesses for blanche,

your soon-to-be new ex-wife.

Yeah, look at them.

First there was louise.

What a relationship we had.

Every time I wanted sex,

she left the room to give me privacy.

The only time I heard her yell

"I'm coming"

is when I was holding the elevator.

And number 2 was ginger.

Ho, she drove me nuts.

She couldn't do nothing right.

Then why'd you marry her?

Oh, she did one thing right.

And now this one... Blanche.

This was really love.

I opened my wallet, and there she was.

As soon as we got married,

she put everything under both names...

Her and her mother's.

She played around plenty.

Before we got married,

she told me I was one in a million.

I found out she was right.

Well, here we go again.

Would, uh, mrs. Peterson's attorney

please start the opening arguments?

Ahem.

Your honor, my client, blanche peterson,

is the casualty

of a cold-hearted, negligent husband

who refused to acknowledge her very existence.

Monte peterson polluted

this once-solid rock of gibraltar marriage

by squandering all of his time

on his construction business

and his wild, extravagant ski weekends.

In the interim,

mrs. Peterson showered mr. Peterson

with loving devotion and attention and affection,

only to be spurned.

Remember, she gave him

the best 3 months of her life.

Thank you.

Monte peterson is the victim here...

The victim of a woman

who was never in love with the man,

but in love with his money.

I further understand

that this marriage broke up

because of another woman.

That's right, your honor.

I didn't even know they were seeing each other.

Your honor, I have to object.

Yeah, so did I. That's why we're here.

Please, mr. Peterson, you're out of order.

You know, you never satisfied me anyway.

You never satisfied me, either.

Satisfy you? Ha.

With you, I never had the chance.

Your honor,

she married my client under false pretenses.

Yeah, I can start with her chest.

Judge: Mr. Peterson!

Every time we had sex,

she kept calling out, "rocky, rocky!"

Your honor, I object

to mr. Peterson's insinuation

that my client slept with another man.

Rocky's our dog!

Oh, ho-ho! When I am through with you,

you're gonna be in the poorhouse, baby.

Really, huh?

I'm sorry the dog wasn't a pit bull, ok?

[All shouting at once]

[Judge pounds gavel]

Order! Order!

Order in this court! Order!

[Shouting continues]

Well, I'm free again, thanks to you, janet.

As always, you're the best.

Can't you just date a woman without saying, "I do"?

You know, believe it or not, I like being married.

I just haven't found the right one.

I guess what I really want is the girl next door.

You want the girl next door,

you want the girl up the block,

you want the girl across the street,

you want the girl around the corner.

You're hopeless.

So where are you off to today?

Utah. A little place called redwood springs.

You better get some sleep. You look exhausted.

I'll sleep on the plane.

Good luck. I can never sleep on a plane.

You kidding? I'll sleep like a baby.

[Crying]

[Crying]

[Crying]

Shh.

That's my daughter cissie.

And the little guy there, that's ray junior.

I can't believe this is you, ray...

A family man.

You loved the ladies more than I did.

That was a long time ago, monte.

My wild days are over.

I'm married now. I got 2 little ones.

Yeah? I'm single, and I've got one little one.

Hey, how far is this redwood springs anyway?

Well, along these back country roads,

about 2 hours outside of salt lake city.

Hey, monte, remember that week in aspen?

We met that wild chick in the bar.

I went out with her for 2 nights,

and you had her for 2 nights,

then she went out with the entire construction crew.

We nicknamed her bell because everybody banged her.

Remember?

I wonder whatever happened to her.

I married her.

Monte: Hey, look at that...

"Love thy neighbor as thyself."

What am I supposed to do... Jerk him off, too?

[Both laugh]

Man: I figured if I could just get

one more season of crops in,

then I might maybe be able to pay you back

some of the money I owe you.

Well, I'm sorry. Your property already is

in the process of foreclosure.

But I promise to pay when I can.

Well, a promise is only as good as your collateral.

Do you have any?

Well, sir, the only collateral I gots

is these 2 good hands.

This one binds up once in a while.

Well, uh, I can't promise anything.

I'll talk it over with my associate,

and I'll come back with the answer shortly.

Thank you, mr. Gates.

Can I wait here?

Sure. Make yourself comfortable.

Sir, that important phone call

you've been waiting for

is on line 2.

You'll have to go now.

But what about my loan extension?

You said you'd give me an answer.

There's no loan extension.

The bank's foreclosing immediately.

Go home and pack.

Yeah, but, mr. Gates...

I know you got 2 good hands.

Why don't you use one of them,

open that door, and leave?

[Gasping]

Quick, quick, quick!

Sir?

Thank you for banking with federal trust.

Have a nice day.

Thank you.

Quick! Quick! Quick!

[Horse neighs]

Mr. Morano.

How are things in sunny las vegas?

Watch what you say. Maybe the lines are tapped.

Good, good!

You can tell your people the auction is today.

And that land you wanted?

Well, as you say, it's in the bag.

Right! Definitely,

at the same price we discussed.

You have my word on it.

Bye.

Sir, I'm a little nervous

about dealing with these kind of people.

These kind of people?

Stewart, I think you been watching

too many gangster movies.

[Whimpering]

Ray: Well, what did I tell you?

Beautiful, isn't it?

You see that whole side of the mountain?

As far as you can see down the valley,

that could all be your property.

We even got a log cabin up the slope.

Hey! I'll tell you, it's perfect.

I can picture the whole layout, you know?

I'll put the main ski lodge

right down at the base of the mountain.

Then I'll put in 10 high-speed lifts.

Then I'll put the second lodge right here at the top,

with a big fireplace

then, when the girls come in to get warm,

who do you think will be there waiting for them?

Mr. Wrong.

You know, ray, it's always been one of my dreams

to have my own ski lodge, you know?

Thanks to you, I got it.

Hey, just don't go forgetting your old buddy

when it's time to hire a foreman.

Oh, you got the job. You kidding?

Hey, who do I make the check out to?

Well, hold on.

This time,

it's a little more complicated than that.

And now we come to the estate of brother jethro wallace.

Brother jethro, of course,

is no longer... with us.

God rest his soul.

Let us now have a moment of silence

in honor of him.

Hmm. Hmm.

Ok! Let's get this show on the ro-o-oad!

The wallace estate,

which consists of 100 acres of prime farmland,

wallace mountain, and a 2-story farm house.

Bidding starts at $500,000.

Do I hear 500,000?

500.

Mr. Gates starts the bidding at 500,000.

Do I hear any more?

500,000 going once.

Told you... in the bag.

500,000 going twice.

5 and a quarter.

[All gasp]

I hear 5 and a quarter

from the gentleman in the back row.

Who is that? I don't know, sir.

He's not from around here.

5 and a quarter going once.

5 and a quarter going twice.

600.

6! 6!

6 and a quarter.

6 and a quarter. 6 and a quarter. 6.

700.

700. And 7?

7 and a quarter.

7. 7. 7. 7 and a quarter. 7 and a quarter.

800!

8!

8 and a quarter!

8! 8! 8!

$1 million!

Let's see him top that.

$1 million going once.

$1 million going twice!

And a quarter.

1 million and a quarter going once.

Sir, you can't go any higher.

It's not your money.

1 million and a quarter going twice!

I told tony morano it was in the bag.

We'll be in the bag... In body bags!

And sold to the gentleman for $1,250,000!

Congratulations.

Monte, your dream is becoming a reality.

It's great, isn't it?

[Whimpering]

Monte: Beautiful, huh?

Boy, I think you made an enemy there.

Ah, forget him. Let's go celebrate.

Here you go, gentlemen.

I'll be right back with your menus.

Oh, wait a minute. Bring me a double scotch and water.

And ray, what do you want?

I'm sorry. We don't serve liquor here.

No liquor? What kind of joint is this?

Sorry. I forgot to tell you.

It's against their religion

to drink or sell liquor in this community.

How am I gonna open a ski lodge with no booze?

Don't worry. Almost all your property

is outside the city limits

of redwood springs.

You see, only the farm house

and a couple acres right around it

are under the town's jurisdiction,

and the... monte, monte, monte, monte.

They don't smoke, either.

Thank you.

It's against their religion.

What if I have to go to the bathroom?

Or is that against their religion, huh?

Hey, ray, the table there. Check it out, will you?

What a lucky guy.

His daughters all take him out

and show him a great time on his birthday, you know?

Those aren't his daughters.

They're his wives.

His wives?

He's a polygamist.

Almost all the people in redwood springs are.

You see, in their religion,

it's perfectly acceptable

for a man to have all the wives he wants.

I heard about that, you know?

And in some cases, when a man dies,

he can leave all his possessions,

including his wives,

to whomever he wants.

How do the women feel about that?

It's the way they were brought up.

They don't know any other way.

Look how young they all are.

How come they all got married to an old guy like that?

In their religion, they believe

the older you are,

the closer you are to god.

Closer to god, huh?

Well, that guy could be his roommate.

The more wives a man has,

the more important he is, hmm?

Even the famous brigham young

was a polygamist.

He had 27 wives.

I remember the words of brigham young...

He said, "I don't care how you bring 'em,

but bring 'em young."

Now, wait a minute. I have an idea.

Maybe we should break the bad news

to tony morano over the phone.

We could get in the cab

and go back to the airport.

That's a great idea, stewart.

I mean, here we are,

standing right at the entrance of his hotel,

and you want to fly back and call him from utah.

I was thinking australia.

Come on. You got nothing to worry about.

Get it through your head...

Tony morano is a legitimate businessman.

♪ La donna é mobile ♪

♪ qual piuma al vento...

Tony, I swear on my mother's grave,

I didn't take the money.

You got to believe me. I didn't do it.

You go south with my money.

You made me reach out for you.

Now you want to sit here.

You want to lie to me?

[Telephone rings]

[Ring]

Morano: Talk fast.

Oh, they are?

Ok, send 'em right in.

Shuffles, friends from utah are here.

Mr. Morano, how very nice to see you again.

Fellas, fellas, how you doing?

This is my associate stewart.

Mr. Morano.

Nice to meet you

here, take a seat. Take a load off.

Go ahead. Relax.

I'll tell you what.

Shuffles, why don't you finish this conversation

with romeo, uh, outside?

Come on. It's ok. Come on.

Wow. Did you see the scar on that guy?

He must be tough.

He ain't tough. The guy that gave him the scar...

Now, he's tough.

So what can I do you for guys while you're in town?

You want something to eat, drink,

take in a show?

Romeo: What are you doing?

Don't throw me off! Aah!

Maybe go see that, uh, ziegfried and ray

with the zebras, whatever.

I got it... broads.

Shuffles: He didn't have much to say.

Oh, by the way,

this is my associate... Shuffles.

You can see how he got his name, huh?

Word of advice...

If shuffles starts shuffling a little slower,

you gotta start talking fast.

If shuffles should stop shuffling,

well, you don't got to be einstein

to figure that one out, huh?

Keep shuffling.

All right, let's get down to business.

My boss, for various reasons,

wants to invest

in your rinky-dink little town, right?

So we go, we make a deal.

What do you guys do? You break it.

Well, the guy that was in here

a few minutes ago, romeo,

we had a deal, and he broke it.

Now all the king's horses and all the king's men,

well, they can't put romeo back together again, eh?

Like humpty-dumpty.

Exactly. So I'm gonna give you a chance

to fix this problem,

and if your problem

should become my problem, well...

[Whimpers]

Then you got a real problem.

And don't take it as a threat,

'cause I'm the nicest guy

you'd ever want to get to know.

The problem is...

You might not be around long enough

to get to know me.

[Bicycle bell rings]

Monte: The federal trust bank...

"Where trust is everything."

Then how come all the pens are chained down?

After this, we got to go over to the church.

You can sign the final papers for your property.

Why the church?

They're handling the previous owner's estate.

But that's how I got you into the auction, remember?

You have to become a member of the church.

Ok, all right, all right.

Now, honey, you get the right lawyer,

he'll get you out of here, you know?

May I help you, sir?

Yeah, I want to open a new account, ok?

Here. Start with this.

I'll have to get this approved.

Where is he?

Stewart, it's him.

The guy from the auction.

En garde! Hey, hey!

Monte peterson.

Miss jennings, you go open his account.

Tell him there's gonna be a hold on his funds

till I can verify his check

with the bank in los angeles.

Yes, sir. Wow.

$5 million.

Wow. Quick, quick, quick.

First he outbid you on the land.

Now he makes this big deposit.

Do you think he really knows what the land is worth?

No, I doubt that very much,

but I don't want to take any chances.

You find out what you can about him.

You got it.

Stewart, don't ask him.

And what church do you attend now,

mr. Peterson?

I don't know. It's all according

to where the bingo game is, you know?

[Nervous laughter]

We don't have bingo here.

You don't have bingo here, huh?

I guess there's no time.

You're too busy with bango, huh?

Bingo, bango.

Well, everything seems to be in order,

mr. Peterson.

Now, as a new member of our community,

you must abide by the strict doctrines

and beliefs of our religion.

Oh, I got no problem with that.

And it is expected of all our members

to make periodic donations to the church.

Hey, boys, it's my pleasure, you know?

In fact, right now,

is there anything special you may need, huh?

Oh. Well, we could use a new organ.

Mm-hmm.

A new organ, huh? I'll tell you, boys,

at my age, I know exactly how you feel.

You know? Here. Take this, ok?

Get a new organ for you, ok?

And as long as you're at it, I'll tell you what.

Get a violin. Here. Get a second fiddle.

Get a cello, ok? A harp.

Here. Take it all.

Get the whole string section, all right?

Oh, thank you. You're most generous.

That's all right.

Now that you're officially

a member of the church,

you can take over your property.

Oh, beautiful, beautiful.

And your new wives.

Did I hear you say something about wives?

Yes, 3, to be precise.

Brother jethro had just recently acquired them

before his demise.

The estate consists of the mountain property,

the existing home,

and your 3 new wives.

New wives? I'm still trying to forget the old ones.

But the land comes with the wives.

Everyone at the auction knew that.

I didn't know it. I swear.

Whoa. Look, I can't get married again.

I'm over my limit.

The whole deal is off, you hear?

Your wives are over here. Would you like to meet them?

The answer is no.

Ray, I gotta stop the check.

Brother monte, say hello to your new wives.

There's no way in the whole world

you could make me marry 3...

Stephanie, virginia, and emily.

Hey, ray, I think I just found religion, you know?

Do you, stephanie, take monte as your husband?

I do.

And do you, monte, take stephanie for your wife?

Oh, you bet I do.

Do you, emily, take monte?

I do.

Do you, monte, take emily?

What do you think, I'm nuts?

I definitely do.

Virginia, do you take monte?

I do.

Monte, do you take virginia?

I do. Oh, you have no idea what I want to do.

Then I now pronounce you man and wives.

Oh, don't worry, honey.

I'll take it nice and slow and easy.

Ooh, I'm ready for you, monte.

Maybe we should talk first...

You know, get to know each other, you know?

Hee hee hee hee hee!

Boy, now I know what a rock star goes through.

Janet: You idiot! You jackass! You moron!

I know, janet, I know.

You told me not to get married again, and I did.

I couldn't help it.

But 3... 3 wives?

Look at it this way... When I get divorced,

you'll get paid for 3 settlements at once.

The hell with that.

You're lucky you don't end up in prison.

Monte, bigamy is a felony.

Stop worrying, ok?

Look, I can't deal with this right now.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Is there a time difference

between l.A. And redwood springs?

Yeah, about 100 years.

Ray: You ok?

You look, uh, dead.

Ray, my wives are killing me.

All they want is sex, sex, sex.

I believe when god made me, he made a mistake.

He gave me 2 eyes, 2 ears, 2 hands.

What I really need 2 of, he only gave me 1.

Ray, I can't keep up with 'em.

I mean, they're thinking I'm don juan.

After one, I'm done.

I'll tell you right now, in the condition I'm in,

I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I'm sorry,

but the whole thing sounds ridiculous.

Well, ray, you know,

I really wanted that property, you know?

And you saw how beautiful they are.

Yeah, it must be nice

to have 3 women to wait on you.

Don't worry. I got my problems.

I got 3 wives. Not one of them can cook.

Last night, they made me a hamburger.

I used it to scrub the sink.

Man: Number 5.

I'll tell you, ray, I'm not a kid anymore.

It takes me all night

to do what I used to do all night.

I mean, I'm getting old.

Well, last night, they all asked me

if I wanted to have some super sex.

I took the soup.

You got to pace yourself, man.

I tell you, I don't know what I'm gonna do, you know?

Number 6.

Hey, that's me... Number 6.

Oh.

That's me.

Monte: Let's go. I'm waiting 3 minutes already.

[Accordion playing]

All right, girls, you're on your own.

If you behave yourself,

I'll take you on the merry-go-round.

But I'm gonna go over to the baking contest

'cause I'm gonna enter my kumquat.

Your what?

My pie.

Oh. Pie. Yeah. Ok. Right.

I got the recipe from martha stewart.

I hope I get lucky.

You wait till you get home. Then you'll get lucky.

Monte, emily and I are gonna enter the wheelbarrow race.

Emily: You want to join us?

I'll wait till we get home. Then I'll join you.

Hee hee hee hee!

Did you find out anything?

He owns a construction company in los angeles.

He bought the property so he could build a ski lodge.

Damn it, he knows.

He probably got tipped off

like tony morano's boss.

It could be a coincidence.

Oh, rubbish. I stand to make a lot of money on this deal,

and now this peterson character comes along and...

It's a wonderful picnic, isn't it?

Wonderful picnic. The best in years.

We're looking forward to hearing you call

the square dance.

Well, I hate to toot my own horn,

but I think this year's gonna be my best ever.

It's a gates family tradition, you know.

Hey, who are they?

That's mr. Gates' great-great-grandparents.

They were the founders of our town.

Founders, huh? I don't know where he found her.

He should have left her there.

Brother monte!

Hey, boys! How are you, huh?

You know this man?

Oh, yes. Brother monte just became

a member of our church.

What?

And he's been most generous with his donations.

[Laughter]

How are you getting along with your new wives?

Is it working out?

I don't know. It's never out. [Laughs]

Brother andrew and I have to be getting along.

We're judging the pie-baking contest.

Oh, by the way, one of my wives, virginia,

she's entered in that contest, you know?

Boy, she'd do anything

if she could win the blue ribbon.

Sorry, brother monte,

but the lord forbids us to be biased.

Oh, I understand. I mean,

I don't mean anything by it, you know?

Of course.

Speaking of the lord,

there's one donation I forgot to make.

Ok?

That's for the lord, eh?

Oh, of course. [Laughs]

The lord.

What was her name again?

Virginia. And if she wins,

that's only half of it, ok?

All right, baby.

Hey, boys, monte peterson. How are you, huh?

Yes, I know. You were at the land auction.

Right. Oh! You were there too.

Hey, no hard feelings, huh?

[Clapping]

Huh. Hey.

You opened an account at my bank.

That's right, yeah.

Hey, gates, this is some nice little town

you got here, you know?

Yeah. What made you decide to settle down

in redwood springs, mr. Peterson?

Well, I got a hot tip on a piece of land,

you know?

A hot tip?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. To my surprise,

I bought the land, and I found out...

[Laughter]

It's worth much more than I bargained for,

if you know what I mean.

Boys, I'll see you around, huh?

Stewart, I think we have a real problem.

Next contestant is virginia peterson.

That's me!

And what is your entry, my dear?

Kumquat pie.

[Indistinct chatter]

Mmm.

Mmm-mmm. [Chuckles]

Mmm. Mmm.

Is something wrong? [Spits]

I think it needs less kum and more quat.

[Merry-go-round music playing]

Oh, thanks.

You know, this punch has no punch.

[Laughs]

Hi. I'm monte. I'm gwen gates.

Oh, you're stephanie's big sister.

Well, that makes you my...

Sister-in-law.

Right. How about that, huh?

Gwendolyn? What on earth are you doing?

I was just saying hello.

Well, you go with the others. Now!

Quick, quick, quick!

Hey, gates.

I bet when you have sex, it's the same way, huh?

Quick, quick, quick!

I find you very offensive.

Ah, gates, take it easy, will you?

It turns out I'm married to gwen's sister stephanie.

And that makes you and I related.

Oh, I'll tell you, it's nice to have

a banker in the family, you know?

And gates,

watch out for those early withdrawals, huh?

[Chuckles]

[Indistinct talking]

[Laughing]

Hi!

Emily: Ha ha ha! My toe. Oh, you're...

You're light on my toes.

Ooh!

Hey, stephanie, your turn.

Oh, I didn't forget you, virginia.

Thank you, brothers.

As you all know, it's customary,

whenever we have a new member of our church,

to introduce them, to let them say a few words.

Please give a big warm redwood springs welcome

for brother monte peterson.

How you doing? What do you say, folks?

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Well, thank you, brother andrew,

and thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm here tonight with my 3 lovely wives...

Stephanie, virginia, and emily.

I'll tell you. The best part about having 3 wives...

I mean, they all can't have a headache.

[Laughter]

But they are 3 lovely young girls.

They keep me on my toes,

and I love the new position.

Some of you know why i'm here in redwood springs.

I'm about to embark on a new project

that's gonna bring a lot of jobs and money to this town...

A new ski lodge.

[Playing turkey in the straw]

What's this?

Oh. Well, it's time for the square dance.

Oh.

Hey, why don't you let brother monte

call the square dance?

Oh, now...

Yeah, let brother monte call it.

Boo!

All right, here we go.

Hey, wait, wait! I'm supposed to do this!

Just treat her right. She won't say no.

She'll show you her do-si-do.

Hee-haw! Well, I knew a girl. Her name was hannah.

She'll show you how to eat a banana.

Tally-ho!

Yee-ha!

So when you make love and you can't make it,

do what she does... You can fake it.

Yahoo!

So come on, ladies, grab your dates.

Just be glad his name ain't gates.

I'm supposed to do that.

[Telephone dialing]

[Women weeping]

Mr. Morano, I've got good news.

It's about time.

A new parcel of land twice the size of the one

you were originally interested in

just became available.

Oh, yeah? How'd that happen?

The owner died.

The family got a lot of its property that way...

Right after a guy died.

Man: Uhh! Ha ha ha!

Nevertheless, I assure you,

nothing will go wrong this time.

It better not.

Once indian gambling is legalized in utah,

the family expects to get a big piece of that action.

I guarantee by tomorrow at this time,

you'll be the proud owner of 200 acres

of the most valuable reservation land...

Hey! Wanna keep it down out there?

I'm on the phone over here!

Man: No, no, no! Aah!

I'll talk to you later. Go get something to eat.

[Pool water splashing]

He's a splasher.

Ha ha! Yeah! Yeah!

Ladies, I can't tell you how sorry I am about your loss.

Jacob boorman was a good man.

I'm sure he'll walk with god.

He always spoke of you so highly, mr. Gates.

He regarded you as one of his closest friends.

I often thought of jacob, too,

whenever he was behind on the mortgage.

I'm afraid he was in a lot of debt.

So unless you ladies can come up with back taxes,

second and third mortgage,

I'm afraid I'll have to foreclose.

What about jacob's insurance policy?

Discontinued.

He never kept up his policy payments.

His will?

Nothing. Oh!

This is for you.

It's an eviction notice.

[Both weeping]

How much time do we have?

Well, since jacob was such a dear, dear friend,

you don't have to get out until noon tomorrow.

[Weeping]

Hey, hi, virginia.

I'd ask you what's cooking,

but I'm afraid.

Well, tonight I'm making pot roast.

Oh! Great. Beautiful. I wish you good luck.

'Cause last night's dinner, something went wrong.

Is my cooking that bad?

Well, I'll put it this way...

If we go on a picnic,

I'm bringing tums for the ants.

Well, tonight the pot roast will make up for it.

I hope so. I love pot roast.

Are you kidding?

Let me take a quick look at it, all right?

Hey, martha stewart.

Your pot roast.

It turned out to be roast pot.

But I still love ya, honey. It's all right.

That reminds me. We have a date tonight at 8:00.

8:00, I know.

And I got emily at 6:00 and stephanie at 10:00.

I tell ya, I think I'll take a carrot.

I might as well eat like a rabbit, too, you know?

Monte, there's a little favor I want to ask you.

Oh, sure, honey, anything.

I want you to marry my sister.

Marry your sister?

I can't keep up with what I got now.

Please?

She's very sweet.

She's my younger sister sarah,

and her husband's just died.

Look, I told ya,

I'm not looking for any more wives.

I guess it wouldn't hurt to meet the girl, huh?

Hi. I'm monte. You must be sarah, huh?

Oh, yes. Please, come in.

Oh, thank you.

I just dropped by to say hello, you know?

Maybe this is a bad time, huh?

Would you like to see the body?

Oh, yeah!

Maybe we should be alone, huh?

Oh, you mean the dead guy.

Oh, no, thanks.

Stephanie just wanted me to come over and meet you,

and I'm glad she did.

Maybe 4 wives isn't too bad, you know?

One for each season.

We really appreciate what you're doing for us.

We? Us? What are you talking about?

This is megan.

We're both jacob's wives.

If you marry one, you have to marry the other.

What you're saying is I can't break up the set.

Jacob never thought of himself.

He always came last.

Ooh. I guess he'll be remembered

for his willpower, huh?

Look, girls, if I marry any,

I can only marry one, ok?

[Both crying]

I guess it was fun while it lasted, huh?

Jake, I don't know what to say.

This is the first time I ever spoke to a dead stranger.

Hey, I'd like to help you out,

but I already have 3 wives.

Two more would probably kill me.

No offense.

But I can understand

why you married both of them, you know?

They are gorgeous, I'll tell you that.

Boy, oh, boy.

Oh, no!

[Blows]

[Grunting]

Water! I need water!

Oh, no. I can't do that.

Oh! Flowers!

You know, jake, you look much better without the beard.

You know you're not getting a wake-up call.

Girls, I gotta go.

But I don't know what we're gonna do.

Mr. Gates is gonna take away our home.

We'll have to think of something.

[Women crying]

Come on. Stop crying, huh?

I mean, I can't stand criers.

Screamers I like.

Hey.

Look at the food over there. Jesus.

Boy, it looks great.

We prepared some of jacob's favorite dishes.

Oh, yeah? Boy, that looks pretty good.

I didn't have my dinner tonight, you know?

Ooh, a turkey leg. I love that, you know?

Roast beef! Hey! Boy!

Rosemary potatoes. Whoo!

Two starches. Who cares, huh?

This food is delicious!

What did jacob die of, overeating?

Sarah, do you take monte?

I do.

Monte, do you take sarah?

I'll do what I can do.

I'm not as strong as I used to be...

In a lot af areas.

[Breathing heavily]

Megan, will you have monte?

I do.

Monte, will you have megan?

I want her, too, but no can do.

Then I now pronounce you man and wife.

Honey, be gentle with me.

This is my first time.

Well, it's not mine!

Yeah!

That was awfully sweet of peterson

to marry the widows and pay off the debt.

Oh, shut up, stewart.

Don't you realize this is the second promise

we've made to tony morano

we haven't been able to keep?

Remember what he said he'd do to us.

I remember. Humpty-dumpty.

That's why we gotta find some way

to get rid of peterson for good.

How do we do that?

Well, a good start

would be to have him excommunicated.

If he's kicked out of the church,

he loses all his holdings, including his land.

Follow him, stewart. Watch his every move.

Sooner or later, he's bound to smoke or drink

or do whatever else he'll do, and...

Just get me some proof!

Yes, sir.

Proof.

Proof.

Hey, brother wilbur, how are ya?

Girls, how ya doing, huh?

You're happy, aren't you?

Why shouldn't I be happy?

You're doing a great job with the groundbreaking

at the ski lodge.

No, no, no.

You're happy

because you got 5 women who love you.

You're right. I am happy.

I mean, I live in this wonderful town,

and I got 5 gorgeous wives who'd do anything for me.

They were brought up

to serve and please their husband.

Well, I tell you, I'm gonna do something special for them.

Since we never had a honeymoon, I'm gonna take 'em all with me

to the builder's convention in las vegas.

Show 'em a real good time, you know?

Great idea. Yeah.

Yeah, ray, I'm doing good,

but I have my moments.

I mean, this religion is tough.

So many times, I've thought about sneaking a smoke

or having a drink, you know?

I gotta go to the john. I'll be right back.

[Indistinct chatter]

[Cell phone dialing]

Anybody here?

I'm busy here.

I'm right in the middle of something.

Well, do yourself a favor...

Don't light a match.

Mr. Gates, I just saw peterson going to the men's room.

I know it's no big deal, but I also heard him say

he's thinking about smoking and drinking.

Yes. Yes.

Ok. Yes.

This is great.

He's drinking and smoking!

I got you!

Oh.

I'm sorry.

This... I can explain.

You're not going to hit me, are you?

Oh, I'm not going to hit you.

But I am going to take that camera.

Wait a minute!

And shove it right up your...

I can explain!

Oh, that's very good, stewart.

You certainly have got a future in photography.

Keep after him.

Oh, stewart, uh,

whatever happened to my camera?

I'd rather not say, sir.

[Groaning]

Valet: Good evening, sir.

How are you? Thank you, sir.

Hey, girls, keep close.

I know how the guys are around here.

Good evening, mr. Peterson.

We've been expecting you.

Your rooms are ready.

Six honeymoon suites on the ninth floor.

901 to 906.

And of course you're welcome to gamble

in our v.I.P. Room.

Thank you.

Honey, if get any calls from 9:00 to 10:00,

I'll be in room 901.

From 10:00 to 11:00, I'll be in room 902.

11:00 to 12:00, I'll be in room 903.

And if get any calls after 12:00,

I'll be in traction.

Come on, girls.

I'll show you how to roll the dice.

Lucky 6, can't miss!

Dealer: 7! 7 up!

Oh, girls, you're learning things here

you won't learn in redwood springs.

Sarah, come here.

I want you to throw the dice for me.

Lady luck. Bring me some luck, ok?

Go ahead, throw the dice.

Second dealer: 6!

Yeah! [Laughs]

I didn't throw yet!

Security.

What... no! I didn't throw...

Security.

Read my lips, I didn't throw!

[Chiming]

[Clinking]

Monte! Monte!

Good heavens! Monte!

I... Oh!

I think I broke the machine!

All the money fell out.

Oh, boy.

I think we've had enough gambling, girls.

Scoop up the money, will you?

[Horns honking]

[Panting]

You bastard!

Take that! Oh!

Oh, yeah!

What, are you trying to kill me?

Ball girl.

Fifth game straight.

Mmm.

All right. Get out of here.

Mmm. You. Come here.

What? Come over here.

I want to talk to you.

That banker gates broke his promise to me again.

I feel like smacking his head through the pavement.

Yeah. I hear he's having trouble

with some big-shot land developer in l.A.

You know, if he can't handle this guy,

we should step in.

Yeah, well, I'll tell you what,

if I ever run into this guy,

I hope I'm driving a truck.

[Laughs]

A ball, please?

Here you go, pal.

Oh, thanks, baby.

Excuse me. Excuse me. I wasn't done talking.

I mean, I couldn't help notice

you're with them 5 chicks over there.

Yeah.

You know, that might be

a little too hot for you to handle.

No, no, no. That's all right.

Thank you. I got an idea.

Maybe after the game, we take these chicks out,

we get them all liquored up,

they get sloppy for us on the dance floor. Eh?

Oh, no, no. We don't drink, you know?

Drink, don't drink...

Hey, you're my kind of guy.

You know what I'm saying? Hey,

you hire 5 chicks at once,

you put them in them costumes.

Hey, let me ask you...

What are you, like, into that fantasy trip thing?

Oh, no. These girls here? They're all my wives.

Oh, they're your wives.

Yeah. Yeah.

They're your wives, huh. Look at me.

What are you, a wise guy? Eh?

What, do you need a smack or something?

Get out of here, you creep.

Get out of here.

Oh, boy.

Oh, someone should straighten that guy out.

But not me.

Mr. Gates. Stewart here.

I followed peterson and his wives

to las vegas just like you said.

He hasn't done anything out of the ordinary.

I'll let you know if he does anything inappropriate.

Yes. Good-bye, sir.

There's no alcohol in that, right?

Virgin.

Yes, I am.

Oh... oh, you meant the drink.

Ok, girls, we'll take these chairs right over here.

Ok. I want you now just to relax, enjoy yourself,

enjoy the las vegas sun, and have a good time.

Who made your outfits, betsy ross?

Come on. We gotta do some shopping, huh?

We gotta do a complete makeover.

Ok, girls, we'll take the same chairs.

Wait 'till mr. Gates gets a load of this.

I would call that inappropriate.

You know, I've changed my mind.

I'm gonna hit the casino.

I feel lucky.

I also feel a breeze.

I'll see you later.

He's quite a character.

Is he your husband?

All: Yes.

[Both laugh]

So are you girls here for the dr. Van dyke seminar?

Seminar?

Dr. Van dyke. She's the greatest.

I'd still be married to that louse of a second husband

if it weren't for dr. Van dyke.

You know what the book is called, ironically?

Kick him where it hurts.

And that's exactly what I did to my ex-husband.

Sir. Stewart here from sunny las vegas.

I'm faxing you something

that may be of interest to you.

Yeah, there's something coming in now.

What the hell?

Is that a pumpkin?

Well, what do you think?

Stewart, I don't know why you have this

sudden fixation with the male posterior,

but please try to control yourself!

Ooh! Nice butt.

By the way, I have seen better.

[Applause]

We still live in a world where most people,

including women, believe

that a wife belongs and wants to belong

exclusively in the home.

Do not wed and waste yourself on a man, ladies.

Come on! [Applause]

Come on!

Give it to me!

Men are like fine wine.

They all start out like grapes,

and it's our job

to stomp on them and keep them in the dark

until they mature into

something that we would like to have dinner with.

[Applause]

Come on!

Come on!

It's in the book!

If he doesn't treat you right,

then turn it into an on/off relationship.

Every time he gets on, you tell him to get off!

[Applause]

Huh? Come on!

How about it? How about it?

If he has the nerve to tell you that you are lousy in bed,

then go out and get a second opinion, ok?

It's in the book.

It's all in the book so go out and buy it.

There should be equality in marriage.

If he goes out one night a week with the boys,

then you should go out

one night a week with the boys, huh?

It's in the book!

Come on!

It's in the book!

Van dyke! Van dyke!

It's in the book!

Van dyke! Van dyke! Van dyke! Van dyke!

How about it?

It's in the book!

Hey, honey, you're real cute.

A girl like you could start me smoking again.

I'm only kidding. I'm a happily married man.

Happily married man, huh?

That's right.

I wonder how you would carry on

if you were unhappily married.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, every married man

claims to be happily married,

but we women know

what a wandering eye leads to.

It's in the book.

What makes you such an authority?

I happen to be dr. Barbara van dyke.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I mean, dr. Dyke, I meant no harm.

It's van dyke.

Honey, I'm sorry.

Look, I'm not your honey, ok?

Or your baby or your sweetie.

Jeez, why do all men think that they can just

take away a women's identity

and dehumanize her with a juvenile nickname, huh?

Toots, take it easy, will you?

When are you men gonna learn

that a woman needs to be respected?

A woman needs to be appreciated

for who she is.

A woman needs to be understood.

You must stimulate her brain, ok?

Her brain.

Stimulate her brain?

I've been working all the wrong areas.

[Buzzer] Ok, girls, I'm here.

Stephanie? Virginia?

I'm here, girls. Emily?

Sarah?

Megan?

Girls, we had a date.

I've been stood up before, never 5 at a time.

Evening, mr. Peterson.

Hi. Say, have you seen my 5 wives around?

Yeah, I put all the mrs. Petersons

in a limo with a couple other ladies.

They said they were going to the studs club.

The studs club?

It's a male review show.

Male review?

I need a taxi.

Follow that cab!

Step on it!

[Tires screech]

[Techno music playing and women screaming]

Whoo!

Monte: Look at that. They're drinking.

Monte: I gotta get them outta here.

Where do you think you're going?

No, I just wanna see someone.

No men allowed in here.

Rules.

I just wanna let someone know I'm here.

I mean, can't you change the rules a little bit?

No, I can't change the rules...

But I can change your face.

Get out of here.

Bouncer: Stay out!

Hey, where's my tip?

Monte: Stewart.

I don't need him now.

Coming through. Liquor here. Coming through.

[Women cheering and yelling]

Ooo-hoo. The incredible hulk.

[Cheering and yelling]

Hey! Hey, hey! Hey!

It looks like monte.

Hey, girls. What are you doing in a joint like this, huh?

Don't you know it's improper?

Mr. Gates, I can see peterson.

He's right in front of me,

and he's about to take his clothes off.

Would you like me to take pictures?

Come on. I want you girls to come with me.

We're going back to the hotel right now.

Come on.

It's you.

I'm gonna kill you.

Girls, come on. We gotta get out of here.

Come on, will ya?

Monte?

You leave him alone.

Let's kick him where it hurts!

Here we come, monte.

Where is that guy?

Kill him!

Find him!

[Cheering and yelling]

Oh, my god.

♪ Ouch

♪ I said "ouch"

♪ ouch

♪ I said "ouch"

♪ I said "ouch"

♪ baby, can't you hear me?

♪ I said "ouch"

♪ have you gone deaf?

♪ If you looked in my heart you would see ♪

♪ I'm crying, I'm crying ♪

♪ believe

♪ mr. Unknown

♪ let's take things slow...

Ham and cheese.

Peanut butter and jelly.

Chicken cacciatore.

All: Thank you, monte.

Monte: Look at that.

They didn't even notice my new hairdo.

♪ Ouch...

There's your dining room with the valley view...

And there's the pool.

I'll tell you, ray. I'm in no mood for this, you know?

Oh. Well,

we're already a few days ahead of schedule...

And...

Hey, what's with you today?

I'm sorry. I got a lot on my mind, you know?

It's the girls.

They're not the same since we came back from vegas.

They're becoming less dependent on me, you know?

I mean, they all went out and got jobs.

And who do you think they left in charge of the house?

Whoa.

I tell ya, they won't even sleep with me anymore.

I got a water bed. I call it the dead sea.

It's changed.

It's all because of this book.

They're all reading it, you know?

Dr. Van dyke. Yeah.

Ooh. I heard of her.

I know how these relationship experts think.

They think rather than be with the wrong man,

you're better off being with the right machinery.

I'll tell you, ray,

I'm no competition for black and decker, you know?

Did you read the book?

Who wants to read it?

Well, maybe you should.

I mean, then you'll understand

what the girls are going through.

Huh?

Yo, ray!

Can I speak at you over here for a minute?

What's going on?

Look what we got here.

Oh, for...

Hey, what's wrong? Is there a problem?

No, no. It's a... no.

I, uh...

Think we might have been digging on a...

Ancient burial ground.

What makes you think that?

Oh...

'Cause they dug up bones?

Human bones.

And then you have the unmitigated gall

to walk in here and give me this line of crap?

Let me explain how I work, ok?

I... I'm not looking to get crazy,

but I gotta tell you...

You borrow, you pay!

How many times do I gotta tell you?!

You borrow, you pay!

Is that understood?!

Yes or no?!

Anthony, don't talk to me like this.

I'm sorry, mommy.

Baby boy's got a lot on his plate.

I'm just a little stressed out lately.

I mean, I missed a leg-breaking

at noon today.

I gotta crush some guy's skull in at 3:00.

Those aren't your problems, right?

Bring mommy a flower.

I'll come over sunday.

We'll have a little penne arrabiata, huh?

Come on. Show her out. Here you go, ma.

Ok. Show mommy out.

You got it. Come on.

Mom: Aah! Not that way!

Oh, sorry, mrs. Morano.

You know, force of habit.

Sorry, boss.

[Telephone rings]

What am I gonna do with her?

That's what you get for being a sweet person.

Go!

Man: Buongiorno, tony.

Don giovanni. Come stai?

Bene. Bene.

Did you take care of that thing for me?

Yeah, yeah. Sure. Um... it's nearly done.

That's not what I heard.

I heard things...

Things that do not make me happy.

Well, to be quite honest with you, uh...

We've been having some problems with our friends in utah.

There's this guy from l.A. That's causing a lot of trouble.

Maybe this troublemaker

should get a visit from me and the boys.

No, no, no, no. Believe me, I'll handle it.

Me and shuffles will take care of the situation.

Don't disappoint me, tony.

Remember, it's the family.

Tony, on phone: This is unbelievable.

You think I have time for this?

What do you think I am,

some kind of five-and-dime little hustler?

I'm a businessman!

And you're a dead man, gates!

You get the plane tickets yet?

Yes, sir.

We leave for sydney, australia, at 6:00 tonight.

Whew.

Excuse me, mr. Gates.

I think I've found

another counterfeit hundred.

Well, bring it to me, miss jennings.

Quick, quick, quick.

These counterfeit bills, boy.

They've been passing around the county all month.

Haven't the feds caught anyone yet?

No, but...

I know who I'd like them to catch.

That's right. 5.

Ooh! I know what you're thinking.

[Both laugh]

Good afternoon, mr. Peterson.

Hey, stewey. How are ya?

Can I help you with anything today?

No, I just came over to cash a check for $600, that's all.

Well, let me do that.

We can't have our best customer

waiting in such a long line.

Ok, sure.

I'll be with you in a minute.

I'll be waiting right here.

There you go.

Hey, thanks, stewart. You're all right, you know?

My pleasure.

All right. Thank you.

Have a nice day. Thank you.

[Bell rings and door opens]

Hi.

I'd like to buy everything you have

on redwood springs' history and geography

and anything you may have

on indian tribes and reservations.

Oh, and by the way, do you have a book called

how to make your wife say yes?

No, I don't think so.

Well, do you have a book called

how to make someone else's wife say yes?

Here, this should cover it, ok?

[Bell rings and door opens]

[Singing off-key] ♪ I once was lost

♪ but now I'm found

♪ was blind, but now I see ♪

Here.

Bless you brother monte.

Yeah, never mind that, just get her some songs

with no high notes.

Girls, I know this last month,

things have different between us, you know?

But I just read dr. Van dyke's book,

and it helped me see things

from a woman's point of view.

I found my feminine side.

And the way things are going,

I may use it.

There you are, sir.

Oh, here. Take that, ok?

And here, take that for yourself, too, ok?

It's all right.

Thanks, mr. Peterson.

Monte, you know we all love you,

but since our trip to vegas,

we've been exposed

to a whole new way of life.

All of our lives,

we've been raised to think one way.

Now we'd just like

to have the chance to choose.

Well, you know, if the time ever comes

when you girls wanna venture out on your own,

I'll understand.

I want whatever makes you happy, you know?

I mean, you girls,

you all brought out the best in me.

Not lately, though.

[Laughter]

Now, I know you're all concerned

because some of our local businesses

have been coming into contact

with this counterfeit money.

Crowd: Yeah!

And I know you all want an answer.

Well, through extensive investigative work

by myself and stewart,

we have narrowed all the counterfeit money

down to one source,

and we believe that someone

is monte peterson.

Crowd: No!

He was in my store the other day.

Mine, too.

He gave me a counterfeit tip,

but the thought was there.

Brothers, brothers, please.

We're all children under god.

How can you condemn a wonderful, giving man

like brother monte peterson?

Have you forgotten how generous he was

to the church?

By the way, that money he donated to you,

counterfeit.

Uh, hang the bastard.

[Cheering]

In your face, sheriff.

Ha ha ha.

I can't believe they locked you up.

Monte, I hate seeing you like this.

Are you ok? Are you feeling all right?

Ray, you gotta get me out of here.

I'm innocent.

Monte, this is a very serious offense.

They're holding a special hearing tomorrow

to decide your fate with the church.

If you're excommunicated, you could lose everything.

And then they're talking about

handing you over to the feds

on those counterfeiting charges.

I didn't do anything. I was set up.

I got that money from the bank.

Gates says the bank has no record

of your making a withdrawal.

That's a lie.

I bet gates is behind this whole thing.

Call my lawyer janet in l.A.

Tell her the mess I'm in.

Oh, I forgot to give you these.

They're from the county records.

You were right about the human bones.

We've been building

on an ancient indian burial site.

I knew it. I knew it.

I'll do what I can.

And do it in a hurry, will ya?

I don't wanna end up in prison

sharing a cell with a guy named bubba.

[Booing]

Sorry, women are not allowed.

To be mistreated.

Get out of the way, stewart.

We wanna see our husband.

Don't tell them I let you in!

Well, ray, I'm glad you're here.

Listen, I just found out

that they appointed you a local lawyer.

Hoo, I hope he's good.

I think this is him now.

That's no lawyer. He's a waiter.

He waited on me the other night.

Are you sure?

Am I sure? Look.

Mr. Peterson, good day. I'm paul, your lawyer.

How do you do?

Hey, kid, no offense.

Have you ever represented anyone

in court before?

Actually, no. This is my first case.

But don't worry, I'm feeling lucky.

[Banging]

Gentlemen... and ladies,

let us please begin the proceedings.

You know, I could use some water, too,

but this may not be his station.

It is the duty of this court

to determine the fate of monte peterson.

Should a man who has deceived

the fellow members of his community

be allowed to remain a member of our church?

Or should he be excommunicated?

[Gasping]

Don't just sit there, do something.

Ahem.

Gentlemen...

My customer... client monte peterson

is a very decent man.

Not only is he a good husband,

he's also a very good tipper,

although sometimes it is counterfeit.

Thank you. You're welcome.

But let's look at the inner workings

of monte peterson,

a man that has come into our community

and brought a beauty

that we have never seen before.

A man who has a heart of gold.

I rest my case.

I'm sorry, monte. He's ridiculous.

I know,

he forgot to tell him the daily special.

Monte peterson has been found guilty.

You can't do that! No!

[La donna e mobile playing over radio]

This town looks dead.

Small town.

The local hooker's a virgin.

Oh, look at this now.

Young feller, you can't park your car here.

The sign says it's a no parking zone.

Now, you'll have to move it.

Oh, you want us to move it, huh?

Shuffles, move.

Oh, look at this one. Built for speed, eh?

Yeah, not bad, tony.

Excuse me, sister? Mr. Gates around?

I'm sorry, sir.

Mr. Gates is not here at the moment.

Can I be of assistance?

I doubt it. Heh heh.

What's that, his lunch? Yes.

He's got your favorite. Chicken.

Hey, good for him.

Now good for me 'cause I'm gonna eat it.

Hey, look, maybe later

me and you could have a few laughs, you know?

Watch a couple reruns of little house.

Hey, tony, some bank, eh? Talk about a dream job.

Miss jennings, who are those men?

I'm not sure,

but I think they might be from out of town.

Just like these guys, with their cigarettes

and their sunglasses, acting so macho, you know?

And just one little bit of trouble

comes along, oh, they cry.

They've never dealt with the likes of you, sir.

I tell ya, I'd give 2 weeks of your salary

just to see the look on his face.

Shuffles, let me ask you.

All I ever see you do is shuffle.

Do you know one trick?

No.

They way he looked when...

Mr. Morano, mr. Shuffles, what a surprise.

What brings you to redwood springs?

I don't know, let's try multiple choice.

One: We came by for this beautiful picnic,

or "b", you guys screwed up,

and we're here to take care of your problem.

Then you came all the way for nothing.

I mean, I've already taken care of it.

We framed peterson for counterfeiting.

Shuffles. [Snaps fingers]

It's not bad.

It's almost as good as one of ours.

Gates: So, you see, with peterson incarcerated,

he's out of the picture for good.

Oh, yeah? Well, I got orders to make a hit.

Oh, please don't kill us!

I don't wanna sleep with the fishes!

Not you, horsemeat. Peterson.

Come here. Who loves you more than me, huh?

Tell me now. Be a man! Be a man!

Is it necessary to kill him?

Well, you see, my boss doesn't like

any loose ends.

Now, you don't got a problem with that,

do ya, bowtie?

Oh, no. No. I just wondered.

I mean, he's in prison surrounded by police.

I just wondered how you'd do it, that's all.

So you were wondering, huh?

He'd like some of the intricate details.

How's this look, huh?

Oh, that's an opportunity right there.

Yeah, huh? Why don't you go play with the dogs?

Get out of here, both of youse.

And you, shuffles.

Why don't you shuffle along,

get me some more of that chicken?

Let's move.

This is the jailhouse where they're holding monte.

At 0900 hours, the garbage truck

makes its scheduled run down main street.

When the drivers enter the diner

for their morning coffee,

sarah, virginia, take out the truck.

After we pick up monte, we rendezvous up at the cabin.

Any questions?

All right, girls.

Let's kick 'em where it hurts.

Yeah! Whoo!

[Harmonica being played]

Won't take long, marty. Be a minute.

Okay, mr. Gates.

Well, well, well,

what a pretty picture this is.

What are you doing here, gates?

Oh, I just thought I'd stop by to tell you

that it's over.

You being a big city slicker,

thought you'd come in here

and beat me to that property.

So that's what this is all about, huh?

My ski lodge.

Yeah, soon as you're out of the picture,

the land will be mine, and so will your wives.

That land belongs to the indians.

Well, I applaud your knowledge

of redwood springs history,

but you should also know that the yellow squash tribe

was wiped out by my great-great-grandfather

many years ago.

There must be some descendants.

You're right again.

There's one ancestor remaining.

Did you know that my great-great-grandma

was 10% yellow squash?

Automatically making me 2%.

Now, if I'm 2% yellow squash,

you know what that makes me?

A side dish?

No. Part indian.

Living on reservation land.

Now that the vote has cleared the path

for indian casino gambling,

my business partners and I intend to make

redwood springs the next las vegas, nevada,

which will make me

the richest man in this state.

You won't get away with this, gates.

Oh, I think I will.

In about 10 minutes,

the sheriff's gonna be bringing you down

to the federal agents in salt lake city.

And they lock up counterfeiters

for a long, long time.

Gates, I wanna say just one thing to you.

You can cancel my christmas club.

Ouch. Marty, we're through in here.

Ok, I'll drive.

But, stephanie,

you don't have your driver's license.

I'm a quick learner. Let's go.

Morano: What's going on down there?

I think he's giving me the signal.

Either that or he's having

some kind of spastic attack.

Let me tell you,

when the cops take peterson out,

you take him out, you got that?

Consider it done.

Look at this.

It looks like I'm finished.

Psst. Monte.

Stand back, we're busting you out.

[Truck beeping]

Oh, geez!

Stephanie: Just get in!

Is he in yet? Is he in?

He's in! He's in! Go, steph, go! Go!

Go, steph! Go!

Monte! Monte! Are you ok?

Oh, wow. What a hole.

That reminds me,

I gotta see my proctologist.

Come on, stephanie! Let's go! Let's go!

Hang on, monte!

Holy shoot!

They broke our jail!

Marty, it's a jailbreak!

They broke our jail.

Come on!

Well, it's about time you got here.

Did they kill him yet?

No, but any minute now, it's gonna be all over.

Marty, head up main street!

Set up a roadblock up by the bridge!

What's going on?

Peterson escaped!

He broke our jail!

[Police sirens blaring]

Well, something must be wrong, right?

"Something must be wrong."

And people wonder

why you didn't go to harvard.

Of course something's wrong! Come on.

Hey, girls, slow down!

I don't wanna be identified by my teeth!

Stephanie, you've gotta downshift.

I know what I'm doing.

We gotta turn left on elm street.

I feel like white trash.

They're right behind us.

Marty! Marty! Can you see 'em?

Yes! I think they're turning left.

Whoa, what a ride!

I should've gone in a ferris wheel.

They're going by your house!

Ok, I got 'em.

Go faster, stephanie!

I'm going as fast as I can!

All right, peterson! This is the police!

Pull over right now!

If we get caught, we're gonna go to jail.

Don't say that! Don't say that!

We're not going to jail.

That's for the parking ticket you gave me!

This is for when you picked me up for jaywalking.

This is for when you frisked me and copped a feel!

I'll go through barnes' field, cut 'em off!

Here he comes.

Megan, emily, are you in position? Over.

Here he comes. Roger that.

Holy silicone valley.

[Screaming]

Hey, good work, girls.

Yes!

Nice booby trap.

You broke my car!

[Siren]

Step on it!

I'm stepping on it, lame-brain.

All right, peterson.

I'm gonna shoot!

Hey, I didn't know redwood springs

had chinese food.

Here's some moo goo gai pan.

Yeah, no msg.

No msg!

Oh, not the old banana thing.

[Laughs]

Aah!

[Women cheering]

Wow, you can't beat the oldies.

All right, girls, head for the hills.

Who would have guessed the guy would escape?

He's gonna kill us for sure.

Oh, I just know it.

Legitimate businessman.

Mr. Morano, we have a slight problem.

Morano: You screwed up, gates.

You let him get away.

Now, you find him and you find him quick,

or I'll kill both of you 2 personally.

[Owl hooting]

Well, girls,

I want to thank you for breaking me out,

but we can't stay here forever.

Tomorrow I want you all

to go back into town and find ray.

Tell him to get the sheriff

and have 'em both meet me at the construction site.

Why the construction site?

I think maybe I have a way

that I can clear myself of this whole mess, you know?

Are you sure you're gonna be ok

up here by yourself?

I'll be fine.

Listen, as long as we're all up here alone

in this cozy little cabin,

maybe you girls might be in the mood for...

Well, you know, after all, we ar married.

And you're looking at a guy

who just got out of prison.

So, girls, what do you say, for old times' sake?

Come on, who wants to be first, huh?

[Snoring]

Look at this.

My sex life is on hold,

and I got no one to hold it.

[Chattering]

Let's go.

[Engine starts]

I know that little troll peterson's in there,

'cause all the chicks are leaving.

Give me the rifle.

Come on, give me the rifle.

What are you doing?

We're up here.

I thought i'd make a snowman.

Get over here!

Get over here!

Just give me the rifle.

Hey, just talking,

what do you like better, pillsbury or sara lee?

Well, I mean, nobody doesn't like sara lee.

Yeah, you're right. Give me this.

Give me this.

Let him just show his little head

so I can just blow it off.

Where is he already?

Excuse me, but...

What do you think of pepperidge farm?

Pepperidge farm knows.

Pepperidge farm remembers.

Na-na. Na-na, I'm over here now.

Pepperidge farm knows.

Na-na, I'm over here now.

Pepperidge farm remembers.

Oh, wait a minute now.

You're everybody. I'm nobody.

You're the big shot now.

Excuse me. We'll talk about this later.

Right now I got to kill somebody.

There he is.

Oh, no!

Missed him! Take this.

Let's get him. Come on.

Come on!

Stewart, maybe we'll get lucky

and an avalanche will bury all of 'em.

That's right, ray.

Get the sheriff and meet us at the construction site.

Megan, give me the phone.

I think I know someone

who can help us.

Gwen, it's stephanie.

I think it's time you kick your husband

where it hurts.

It's all slush. Slushy.

I'm ruining my best shoes.

Do you understand?

Bugsy siegel owned these shoes.

How do you know, now?

My friend told me. That's how I know.

Don't worry how I know.

Peterson!

Yeah, come on out.

We're gonna negotiate.

Don't worry about nothing, huh?

Maybe we have some hot chocolate

with some marshmallows or something

and talk this whole thing out.

Blow his brains out

when he walks out that door.

You understand me? You blow his brains out.

Can I use your bathroom, maybe?

Oh, I really got to use the bathroom really bad.

Please, don't make me...

Don't make me pee on your car!

Morano: Peterson, get out here!

Whoa, heads up, boys.

Shoot him.

Whoa!

He's getting away.

Take this jet ski thing.

It's a toboggan.

Toboggans don't have no engines.

Help me up.

I'm driving.

What kind of helmet you like?

Which... white or...?

I look good in black.

All right.

Come on.

Don't get too close.

Come on. We'll cut 'em off at the bottom.

Ah, look at him go everywhere.

He's all over the place.

Hold on. Hold on.

Ooh-whee. Wow.

I'm a little rusty.

Whoa-oh-oh!

Oh, man, look at this guy go.

Hold still.

I can't hold still.

Ok, you guys want a fight?

I'll give you a fight.

Are you ready? Here's my screwball.

Oh, you're out. Take a shower.

Shuffles!

Monte: Hey, no tailgating.

I'll get my hands on you, peterson.

Nobody hits shuffles.

Nobody hit shuffles but me.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Oh! Where'd you come from?

Hey, what's the difference?

I'm just happy you're not behind me.

By the way, before I kill you,

I never got to introduce myself.

Tony. Oh, yeah? Monte.

Yeah, how you doing there?

Hey, let me off here. This is my stop, ok?

Oh!

Whoa-oh-oh-oh!

Whoa!

You're going down, peterson.

Almost home.

Hey, where'd the snow go?

Aah! Oh!

Oh! Ow! Ooh!

Ooh! Holy cow! Ow!

[Morano screaming]

Whoa!

Ooh!

Holy jeez.

Whoa.

Oh!

Whoa!

[Men clamoring]

[Groaning]

Somebody get me out of here!

Hey!

Anybody takes a picture of this...

[Groans]

[Siren blaring]

Wow.

I was dreaming, you know?

All right, monte, you're coming with us.

You broke our jail.

Well, arrest him, sheriff.

He's a fugitive from the law.

You leave him alone. He didn't do anything.

Sheriff, monte peterson's innocent.

We got proof.

Proo... proof? That's absurd.

You're the proof, preston.

My husband is to blame for this whole thing,

and I'm not gonna stand by

and watch you hurt these innocent people anymore.

Gwen, stop. You don't know what you're saying.

Oh, yes, she does. We both do.

You go, girl!

Sheriff, monte peterson's

not a counterfeiter.

That money was planted on him

by mr. Gates and stewart.

They've been trying to get rid of him

ever since he came to redwood springs.

That's a mighty serious accusation.

You got anything to back that up?

Yeah. Yes.

How 'bout this?

Gwen: My husband was so greedy,

he wanted to buy up all of the land for himself.

That's why he wouldn't approve any of the loans.

Monte: Yeah, turns out he's part yellow squash indian.

That gives him the right to open up casinos.

Well, I was gonna tell everybody

at the right time.

Isn't that right, stewart?

He made me do it.

I didn't want to lie to all of you,

but he threatened my job.

Sheriff: Marty, take 'em away.

Yeah! Quick, quick, quick!

Monte, you're free to go.

Come on. Come on.

[Applause]

Holy mackerel,

what I been through already today.

How do I look, huh?

Handsome. Very handsome.

Yeah? Come on. Come on.

Hey, boss.

When you had your head stuck in here,

kinda looked like you were giving him a blow...

Whoa, whoa. What'd you just say?

Oh, you're telling a little joke, right?

A little joke? Come here.

How'd you like me to smack your head in

with an old fire hydrant, huh?

You like that, huh?

Never talk to...

Oh, wait a minute. It's the boss.

Straighten up. Come on. Let's go.

Don giovanni.

What a surprise.

Where's the troublemaker?

Look, he's over there right now,

but you don't want to go over there.

There's too much heat around.

You understand.

You want to take care of something...

You have to do it yourself.

Ok, emily, right.

[Women chuckling]

Monte?

Vinny!

Hey! Hey!

Both: Boom-dida-boom-dida- boom-dida-boom.

Boom-dida-boom-dida- boom-dida-boom. Ay!

Ha-hey, vinny!

Hey!

Wait, wait a minute.

You... you know him?

Sure. He's monte peterson.

He built my house in l.A. Years ago.

Hey, how's your sister marie?

I used to like her, you know?

You liked all my sisters.

I think you had your eye on my brother too.

Hey, your father, he's all right?

Next birthday, he's gonna be 96.

Hey, your father was something, you know?

Why, in our neighborhood

he was the first one to start acupuncture...

With an icepick.

Hey, I think you and me

are finally gonna do some business together.

You.

You I want to talk to!

Monte and I are friends for 50 years.

We were kids together.

We were brought up in the same neighborhood,

and he's the one you want to whack?

Please, don giovanni, forgive me.

I didn't know.

You're supposed to know!

Stupido!

Oh, my sister had to have a son.

Get the hell out of here.

Get out of here.

Get the car. Get the car!

Hey...

All right.

Hey, I'll call ya. I'll see you soon, huh?

Soon. Sooner.

Boy, oh, boy.

[Women chuckling]

Hey.

Well, girls,

have you thought about what we spoke about?

About staying together?

Before you give me your answer,

whatever your decision is,

I can take it.

I'm a big boy.

Well, you know how I feel about you,

and I'm sure I know how you all feel about me.

Ray, I can't believe they kicked me out, you know?

Don't worry, monte.

I think it all turned out for the best.

I mean, look, they're liberated

and able to make their own decisions.

Yeah, I guess so.

It was fun while it lasted.

But I'll tell you,

I'm gonna miss all of them, you know?

I really got used to a 5-on-1 relationship,

and after 5 great wives like that,

where am I ever gonna meet one woman

who's gonna make me happy, you know?

Man: Congratulations, mr. Peterson.

It was a beautiful wedding.

Oh, thanks.

You know, I always wanted to get married at sea.

All right, hawaii here we come, huh?

Let's shove off, and keep it at 10 knots.

And if the ride gets bumpy,

you'll know it's not from the water.

Oh, mrs. Peterson,

the champagne and me are waiting for you.

Ooh! Here I am, darling.

Are you ready for a woman like me?

Oh, are you kidding?

I want you to show me a few things

that are not in the book.

Oh, I never thought I'd meet a man

who could fully understand

the complex nature of a woman.

Oh, monte.

Tonight's our night.

Let's go for the whole 9 yards.

Ooh. Hey, let's be accurate.

We'll go for the whole inch and a half.

[Camera shutter]

♪ Why did god make boogie woogie? ♪

♪ To get you crazy people out of your seats ♪

♪ soon you will begin to dance ♪

♪ when you hear that boogie beat ♪

♪ why did god make boogie woogie? ♪

♪ So I can do the very thing I do ♪

♪ boogie keeps me in my fashion ♪

♪ picks me up when I feel blue ♪

♪ here's the scoop, get in the loop ♪

♪ blow your worries away

♪ get real loose and don't refuse ♪

♪ boogie in the woogie to make your day ♪

♪ why did god make boogie woogie? ♪

♪ Stick around and I'll show you why ♪

♪ guarantee your satisfaction ♪

♪ when you see my fingers fly ♪

♪ tell me, man, tell me, man ♪

♪ what you got in your left hand ♪

♪ Tell me, man, tell me, man ♪

♪ what you got in your right hand ♪

♪ Oh, here's the scoop, get in the loop ♪

♪ blow your worries away

♪ get real loose and don't refuse ♪

♪ boogie in the woogie to make your day ♪

♪ why did god make boogie woogie? ♪

♪ Stick around and I'll show you why ♪

♪ guarantee your satisfaction ♪

♪ when you see my fingers fly ♪

♪ tell me, man, tell me, man ♪

♪ what you got in both your hands ♪

[Rhythmic clapping]

♪ Why did god make boogie woogie? ♪

♪ Why did god make boogie woogie? ♪

Captioning made possible by lions gate entertainment

captioned by the national captioning institute www.Ncicap.Org...