Original subtitles

[rattling]

[dramatic music]

Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org

[dramatic rock music]

♪ You said you'd love me forever ♪

♪ I guess that was a lie

♪ You did not stand your ground ♪

♪ You won't ever lose me

♪ I bet you didn't think twice

♪ But in your tears, you'll drown ♪

♪ I'm flying high

♪ I can touch the sky, I won't let you bring me down ♪

♪ If I die tonight

♪ I'll die living my life because you won't be around ♪

Guys, that was a great night, man.

We were on fire tonight.

Did you see how the crowd reacted?

Crowd?

[Jack] Yeah, that's what I call it, the crowd.

There was five people and only two of them were awake.

They loved us.

Did you see they had our t-shirts on.

We're making a comeback!

No, we're not.

I'm done, man.

Done?

But we've got gigs lined up for the rest of the year.

What am I supposed to tell them,

that Rat Poison is dead?

Been dead a long time, Jack.

Plus, we don't even make enough money to break even.

So, that's it?

It's about the money?

No, no, no.

Look, I just can't fit it into my schedule.

My boss wants me to take over the audit team,

so I'm gonna be traveling more and more and,

Jack, I'm afraid we've been rat poisoned.

Guys, what's going on here?

My son's in Little League.

My daughter's got dance competition every weekend.

I can't do this late night routine, man.

Sorry.

Peter?

I'm tired, man.

I want to have my nights and weekends free.

I want to work on my boat.

We can still get together and jam, just, like, for fun.

Just like we used to do at your dad's, back in the day.

[dramatic music]

[Jack] I don't get it, Dillon.

Get what?

The guys just leaving the band.

It's been our whole life.

This sucks.

Let me have a cigarette.

I don't smoke.

You got a damn cigarette behind your ear.

Let me see that one.

No.

And there's no smoking in here.

You don't even smoke.

You're such a bitch.

I hate you, fuck you.

I love you, man.

Can I have another drink?

How are you getting home?

A car.

What do you think?

Let me have another drink.

I think you're done for the night.

Don't you have the early shift tomorrow?

[groans]

I don't care.

Nothing matters anymore.

Who cares?

[Dillon] What about your wife?

Sheila loves me.

She will understand.

We are solid.

You're not driving home, I got you a ride.

Who?

Me.

Chrissy, my last only best friend.

I love you, man.

Hey, man, I told you, you're not my type.

[chuckling] [upbeat music]

What?

Rejected again by my friend.

Not your type?

I like my men lean and successful.

I still love you though, buddy, that's why I'm here.

He loves me.

He really loves me.

Give Jackie a hug.

[groans]

You need some help getting him to your car?

Yeah, Sheila's gonna be pissed.

[snoring]

At least he made it home and onto the couch.

Jack?

[snoring]

Jack?

Jack?!

Oh, what?

What, what?

Shouldn't you be at work?

What time is it?

[Sheila] 8 a.m.

Shit, shit!

I gotta open today.

What time are you supposed to be there?

Now.

Give, where are my clothes, where's my shirt?

I don't know.

I got dressed without any help.

Does little Jackie need some help getting dressed?

[Jack] Come on, stop doing that!

Help me!

Sorry, Jack.

I have a meeting with my director, I can't be late.

Have a good day, sweetie.

You bitch.

You fucking bitch!

Jesus.

- Come on in, welcome. - Thank you.

- Hey, grab yourself a seat. - So hungry.

Sorry about the wait.

- Hey. - About time.

I remember you.

Hey there, hey.

Welcome, good morning.

Hello and welcome to Caribbean Sweetness.

What can I get for you guys today?

Vodka soda, please.

[Jack] Vodka soda and you, ma'am?

The same, but no soda.

Great, all right.

I'll go get your drinks while you take a look at the menu.

Holy shit, you're Jack from Rat Poison, aren't you?

Yes, I am, how did you know that?

We were at your concert last night.

You guys rock.

Thank you!

I'll be right back with your drinks.

Jack.

We need to talk.

You were late again today.

[Jack] Yes, I know, but I got the doors open

in time for the customers to come in.

Let's step outside, okay?

I have some customers right now,

but let me get their drinks and their order first.

All right, but then we need to step outside.

[sighs]

Here you go.

[Man] Thank you.

Now what can I get for you guys to eat today?

I'll have the Cuban and black beans, please.

The same, but no black beans.

Very good.

Anything else?

Uh, might as well set us a couple more rounds, please.

- Will do. - Uh, one more thing.

Who's playing this music?

I've been listening to it but I can't quite place the band.

You like it?

Yeah, it's a different kind of sound.

It's me.

Rat Poison?

No, just a song I wrote and recorded in my basement.

I'm digging it!

Man, you are a talented dude.

Can't wait to see you at your next gig.

Yeah, well, that's another story.

Excuse us, folks.

Can I borrow your waiter for just a minute?

I'll make sure your orders and drinks get out okay.

In fact, I'ma let Gaston take over for Jack,

if that's all right with y'all.

Is that okay?

Gaston!

[Gaston] Sir?

Could you step out here, please?

Yes, sir.

Gaston, could you take care of these nice people

- while I speak to Jack outside? - Absolutely.

Jack.

Hello, guys.

Dick!

Get your dick out here.

Why do we have to do this here?

I like our usual spot at the Courtyard.

Because Nancy works there.

I can't have my friends seeing us there.

How would I explain being there with my boss?

What about Motel 6?

Motel 6?

You are the big spender, aren't you?

Well, I was getting our company discount at the Courtyard.

Hm.

Maybe I should give you the Motel 6 version in bed, then?

Sheila, baby.

Come on, what if Jack comes home?

If there's one thing Jack is, it's predictable.

He's at the restaurant.

He can't leave 'til the morning rush is over.

We've got a couple hours of fun.

Come here, tiger.

I can't believe you're firing me.

I'm sorry, Jack.

The doors were open on time!

Almost.

I need someone that I can depend on to open up.

The customers always complain when you open the restaurant.

They need to get a life.

Five minutes, I've never been

more than five minutes late any time.

Jack, this is their life.

This is a part of their daily routine.

This is somewhere they like to go.

Why would you fault them for that?

I know, I know.

All right, but I won't be late next time.

This is next time.

Pick up your check at the end of the week and good luck.

Come on.

I can't lose this job, I need the money.

And I can't afford to lose customers.

Sheila has a great job, you won't starve.

Yeah, right.

Jack.

Go do something that you care about.

Something that gives you a reason

to be somewhere and not just a place to be opened up.

Man, Sheila, you are a tigress.

Yeah, I know.

How's your back?

Love scars.

Well worth it.

I'm ready for another tear.

Well, come here, Dicky.

Let me leave my mark on you [purrs].

Shit!

[comical music]

What the hell?

- Shit, shit, shit! - Socks, socks!

Here, here, here!

Head.

[yelling]

Jack, what are you doing?

Sheila, what are you doing home?

Why are you in bed?

I had one of my headaches.

What are you doing here?

Must have been a pretty bad migraine.

It looks like it was worse than the last one.

Why are you at home?

I got fired.

Fired, Jack, how could you?

Why do you always assume it was my fault?

What happened to standing by your husband?

It's always your fault.

That's not true.

[Sheila] Why did you get fired?

Because I was late opening up the restaurant.

It's because of that band.

Jack, grow up and quit the stupid band!

But it's my life!

It's all I ever wanted.

What happened to you, Sheila, you know that.

You're not in high school anymore.

And dreams don't come true.

At least not for you.

Or us.

Shut the door on your way out.

My headache's come back.

[Dick] Do you think I should leave now?

I'm gonna need to charge your rent tonight.

Half a beer's not gonna pay my bills.

What?

You okay?

This is shit.

It's just shit.

[Dillon] Hey, I can get you

another beer if that one's bad.

What, no, not the beer.

Good, you had me worried.

What then?

Nothing.

Come on, Jack, you've been sitting here for hours

just staring at that beer.

I don't know what I want to do.

I, I lost my job.

The band's gone.

Sheila's pissed.

And?

And nothing, that's just it.

I've got nothing.

All I've ever wanted or cared about is gone.

I've got nothing.

Come on, Jack, there must be something you can do.

What?

I mean, it's just been me with the band.

Music is all I have.

Well, you could get another restaurant job.

You've got years of experience doing that.

Thanks.

That makes me feel better.

Really?

With all of your experience, you could get a job tomorrow,

probably as a manager.

Hours suck but it's good money.

No, I hate the restaurants.

Was a short term thing that turned into 10 years.

I just, I can't do it anymore.

What then?

I don't know.

You could go back to school.

College, maybe?

I barely got out of high school.

I just wanted to get out.

My grades sucked.

You were a kid then.

Now would be different.

Might be something that grabs your attention and interest.

There's nothing college can offer me

that I would want to do.

Where are you going?

I know it's only half a beer

but that half needs to come out.

Oh, damn.

An elephant shit.

Does anybody flush anymore?

Come on, little buddy.

[urine trinkling] [sighing]

Rock-Enroll now.

[Woman] Are you a musician looking for a new start?

- Uh-huh. - Is the band thing

just not working anymore?

- Yeah. - Tired of the road trips

- and low pay? - Yes.

[Woman] Is your spouse telling you to get a real job?

- Yes. - County Community College

has your new career.

[upbeat music]

That sounds great, Jude.

I can go to school at night and still work during the day.

But my grades weren't that great, so, I don't know.

Do you think I can still get in?

Jack, don't worry about it.

I've worked with guys who barely made it out of high school.

I'll make sure you're approved.

What about tuition?

I don't think I could swing that, I mean,

I'd have to get a job, save up some money.

There's grants, from the government.

And I think from what you've told me, you'll qualify.

That would be awesome.

I mean, it'd be a miracle if it all worked out.

Well, look, let me work on it

and I'll get back to you tonight.

Aw, thanks, Jude, I really appreciate it.

Now I gotta go find a job.

Let me know as soon as you hear something.

I don't know if you have the

right qualifications for the job.

I can do it, just give me a chance.

Let me dip that cage in that fryer.

They will come out crispy and not soggy.

I don't know.

Jake?

Someone thew up in the men's urinal again.

Can you please go clean it up for me, please?

Sure.

I'd love to.

I'll be right on it.

Aw, you're so sweet, thank you.

You know, chicks dig a guy who play the guitar.

I don't play the guitar.

I do.

I was in a band for many years.

I have a collection of bras and panties to prove it.

So?

What's her name?

Patience.

I can teach you how to play.

Really?

When I get done with you,

she won't have any patience left.

She will be all about her Jake.

You're hired.

Hello?

Hey, Jude.

[laughs]

I'm just kidding, man.

You're kidding me.

You're shitting me!

Oh, sorry.

Awesome.

Dude, this is great.

Tomorrow?

Yeah, I'll stop by.

You're gonna help me pick out my classes, too, right?

Excellent.

All right, well I'll see you tomorrow, bye.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

I got a job today.

Yeah, I know, it's a great day.

All right, see you tomorrow, later.

Chrissy, baby, how's it going, man?

Oh, gosh, I'm great, just great.

Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Well, that's why I called you.

We need to celebrate!

[laughs]

Well, I'll tell you when you get there.

Oh, uh, how about Dillon's at seven o'clock?

Great.

All right, I'll see you when you get there.

Bye.

[mimicking guitar]

I'll have another one.

[Dillon] Last one, Jack, then I have to close up.

Closing up, come on, it's early.

I should have closed by now.

Are you sure Chris is coming?

Yeah, where is Chrissy?

Where is my bestest homo buddy?

I need to buy him a drink.

Chrissy!

You're my best homo buddy.

Cut the shit, Jack, I'm not in the mood.

And what's your problem with gay men anyway?

Whoa, what's your problem?

I invite you to celebrate

and you're hours late and then you piss me off?

You're right, it's all about you, always.

Chrissy, can I have a ride?

Chrissy, can you lend me some money?

I'm tired of your shit, man.

Whoa, whoa.

Chill out, man, you know I love you.

Hey, get Chrissy a drink.

I told you, I'm closing up.

Can't you see he needs some comfort.

Just one, then I need to close up.

Yes.

Okay.

Now tell Doctor Jackie what's wrong.

I don't want to talk about it.

Come on, you're always there for me.

Now let me be there for you.

Well,

Daniel left me.

What?

What a fucking bastard!

Oh, what is his problem?

He left you,

he left you for somebody else, I'm assuming?

Yes, it was a man.

His boss.

Oh, wow, what a bastard.

What a fucking bastard.

Are you doing all right?

Yeah, I'm all right, man, I just, I didn't see it coming.

I mean, I thought we were okay

and then the next thing I know,

my nuts get kicked in my mouth.

Wow, wow, that really, really, really, really sucks.

It would kill me if Sheila ever left me.

I love her so much.

She's such a good woman.

You know what, Chrissy?

Let Jackie give you a hug.

Well, I guess it's the thought that counts.

You taking him home?

Yeah, he better have some great news.

If he doesn't, Sheila's gonna be pissed.

[Dillon] She's gonna be pissed either way.

That's true.

[gentle piano music]

[snoring]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[yelling]

Abandon ship!

Abandon ship!

What the hell, Sheila?

Are you trying to kill me?

That's it.

No more.

I'm done.

What are you talking about?

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

Look at you.

Passed out on the couch from being out getting drunk again.

Poor Chris had to bring you home again.

[Jack] Man, Chris, I forgot to tell him the news.

You've got no job and you're just out getting drunk

and spending money you don't have.

Just chill for a minute, Sheila.

I was out celebrating my new job and my new career.

New job and a new career, all in one day?

How?

What is it?

Well, I'm going back to school

and I'm the new fryer guy at Carolina Drive-In.

You will never grow up.

School and making fries.

That's your plan?

I'm late for work.

I want you out of my house when I get home.

Why would I do that?

You don't listen, do you?

You live in this dream world.

I want a divorce and I don't want

to see your face when I get home.

[dramatic music]

Do you know a good, cheap lawyer?

Oh, shit.

Please stand for the Honorable Frank O'Brien.

Good to see you, judge.

You, too, Audrey.

Next time, I'm buying.

You got it, judge.

Y'all be seated now.

Jack, you need to grow up and get a real job.

Divorce granted.

All rise.

So that's it?

Yep.

That sucks.

Well, hey, at least you don't have to pay alimony.

Pay, she should be paying me.

She makes a ton of money.

You suck as a lawyer.

Well, I'm not a lawyer.

You're supposed to be trying to be.

[Sheila] No hard feelings, Jack.

Hard feelings are more than you ever had.

Well, hard wasn't ever really your forte either.

You are such a bitch!

And I see your vocabulary hasn't changed.

Well, she has a kick-ass ass.

Yeah, thanks for reminding me.

So now what the hell am I gonna do?

Well, you're gonna find a new girl.

I don't want another girl.

Come on, Jack, she's the high school sweetheart

that just got away.

How am I gonna get her back?

Well, that's the least of your worries.

I mean, you can't stay on my couch forever.

Seriously?

I need a better paying job.

I can help you, Jack.

My name is Bruno.

Bruno Sorentino.

M.A.?

Mister Academy, I'm the head recruiter there.

We can help you get your wife back.

Mister Academy, what is that, some kind of butler school?

How is that gonna help me get my wife back?

Look.

Most marriages fail because men don't know

what women really want.

Our academy can teach you how to treat a woman right.

Give her all the things that she really wants.

Yeah, right.

I don't have the time or money for school.

Come on, Chris.

We do have a work-study program.

Maybe you can qualify.

Our finance department can probably

find you some money, too.

What about on-campus housing?

Chris.

Your options are limited, buddy.

We can also help you

find the man of your dreams.

Really?

Why don't both of you stop by in the morning

and we can discuss the details.

- I don't know. - We'll be there.

Good.

I'll see you guys in the morning.

Are you nuts?

Calm down, Jack, I mean, it won't hurt

to hear what the guy has to offer.

I don't want to go to some man school.

Well, we're going unless you want

to find another couch to sleep on.

Seriously?

Seriously.

Jesus.

I'm gonna regret this.

Sign right here and you'll be all set.

A new semester starts Monday.

Well, what kind of guarantees do you offer?

What if this doesn't work?

Kid.

There are no real guarantees in life.

I knew it.

That being said, I can guarantee that

if you do everything we say, study hard,

well, then you'll have a better chance

than any other guy out there.

It's all about increasing your odds.

I don't like those odds.

Look, we have a long list of happy clients.

Let me show you around.

You can see what we have to offer for yourself.

I'll even give you a personal tour.

That reminds me.

This is our most recent graduate.

Dick.

Yeah.

Dick Lungvick.

You know him?

Yeah, I know him.

He was one of our most

gifted students.

I bet.

Only our top students get our pictures hung out there.

I'm ready.

Ready for?

Sign me up.

[Bruno] But there's so much more

- I'd like to show you, Jack... - I've seen enough.

Okay, let's get on with the paperwork.

Chris.

All right, I'm in.

Somebody's gotta look after Jackie.

Excellent.

Welcome to Mister Academy.

My name is Bruno Sorentino.

I'm the headmaster of this great academy.

All of you have enrolled for your own reasons.

But, ultimately, for the same goal.

To learn what a woman wants, how to attract, and keep her.

Jack, I'm not looking for a good woman.

I thought you said this was a progressive school.

Shh, I'm trying to listen.

Are you trying to get us in trouble already?

Excuse me, is there a question?

Yeah.

I'm not interested in women.

Well, what are you interested in?

[Chris] Men.

Oh, I see.

Tino.

Can you address his concern?

Christopher.

We cater to all flavors here.

You will find that our workshops work

for attracting men as well as women.

But we do take special consideration

for the needs of our gay students.

I teach all those classes myself.

Well, good.

I was just making sure.

It's my pleasure.

I look forward to helping you meet,

capture the right man.

Yeah, he totally wants me.

- Happens all the time. - Shut up and pay attention.

We have a very aggressive four-week program.

It's designed to prepare you for the field.

This program is not designed for pansies.

You guys need to work hard, be tough, and be ruthless.

It ain't easy to get a woman.

They all are calculating and they have a game plan.

You need your own game plan if

you're going to win them over.

Fortunately, we have a proven track record of success.

I can guarantee your success if

you follow our process.

Okay, now, I'd like to introduce you

to one of our other instructors.

Vinny Sorentino.

Vinny.

Thanks, boss.

Gentlemen.

I've only got one rule.

Nobody quits.

If I tell you to do something, I expect you to do it,

no whining, no crying, no complaining.

You follow my instructions

you will leave here alive.

I'm just kidding.

You will graduate with honors

and you will have lots of chicks wanting you.

Fair enough?

Good.

All right, your schedules are in envelopes in your chair.

Any questions?

Yes, what's your name?

Oscar.

What about a little competition?

What do you mean?

I need some extra incentive

to beat out these other guys and

get my picture on that wall.

I see.

Well, boss, should we tell them

about A Lady's Place?

I don't know.

Maybe.

Come on, what's the deal?

Well, we have a little rivalry with another school.

Who?

They call themselves A Lady's Place.

But they are just mistresses in the making.

Sweet.

[laughing]

I can beat some ladies at anything.

We shall see.

You guys have a lot to learn to even come close.

The woman that runs that place is

top notch.

Now we're talking.

Okay.

You'll learn more about them later.

Vinny.

Wrap this up.

All right, gentlemen, class starts tomorrow night

and do not be late.

We do not like it when anyone is late.

And you don't want to find out what happens

when someone is late.

We'll see you tomorrow, get the hell out of here.

[coughing]

Here you go, boss.

It's all there.

Counted it myself.

Good.

Make sure this gets added to the tuition receipts books.

[Vinny] What a bunch of wussies.

You mean dicks.

Whatever.

The worst bunch of students yet.

Who the hell cares?

We got their money, that's all that matters.

Now it's up to you guys to turn 'em into real men.

[knocking]

[Bruno] Come in.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Yes.

Sit down, Jack.

We got a problem, Jack.

Your tuition check bounced.

It did?

Oh, wow, I'm sorry.

Hold on, hold on.

I don't want another bad check.

This one will be good, I promise.

I just need a day to put some money into the account.

[Bruno] Do you think I'm stupid, Jack?

No.

Put that away.

Where you going?

[Jack] I thought that since I couldn't pay...

Sit down, sit down.

I read your file.

I know what that bitch did to you.

What bitch?

Your ex-wife.

Sheila?

No, that was my fault.

She is a saint.

You are so pussy-whipped, aren't you?

Listen.

I think I have a solution.

How about work for me?

I had a recent opening.

But I don't know how to teach guys about women.

[chuckles]

Yeah.

That's for sure.

But I have another job in mind for you.

A little side business of mine.

Doing what?

Deliveries.

Of what?

Stuff.

Don't worry about it.

But you do this job

and your tuition will be paid in full.

Are you kidding me?

So, do you want the job or what?

Hell yeah!

Thank you so much, sir.

When do I start?

Manny will let you know.

He runs all my side businesses.

[slow-paced music]

[phone dialing]

Yeah, listen, Manny.

Jack's our new delivery guy.

Yep.

Set him up.

Don't worry about if it doesn't work out.

Well, then we'll have one less student.

Right, exactly.

Tomorrow's delivery will work.

Okay.

[grunting] Jack!

[Man] Now, where were we?

[grunting]

Jack!

Jack!

What?

I'm watching TV.

Yeah, you and the whole neighborhood.

It's late, go to sleep.

I can't.

I'm too excited.

I got my new job, we start class tomorrow,

and my tuition is paid in full.

About that.

When are you getting your own place?

Come on, Chris.

I gotta save up some money.

I can't afford my own place yet.

Well, how do you expect to work two jobs and go to school?

I don't know, don't worry about it, I'll figure it out.

I need my space.

You're kinda cramping my style.

I can't even meditate.

And what's this job that Vinny got you?

Making deliveries.

Delivering what?

I don't know.

Doesn't matter, go to bed.

Turn down the TV.

I need my sleep.

[sighing]

Fine, okay.

Good night.

Good night.

[TV chattering]

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, hey, Manny.

What?

Tomorrow?

5 a.m., are you shitting me?

No, no, I can do it.

I just gotta be at work on time.

Okay.

Text me the address.

Okay.

See you at 5 a.m.

[snoring]

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Shit!

Manny, I am so sorry.

I'll be there in five minutes.

I am so sorry.

[dramatic music]

Where the hell have you been?

I've been texting your phone.

Oh.

Forget it at home.

Sorry, Manny.

What is it?

Don't worry about it.

Just deliver it to the address on the package.

Okay, I have to go to work first,

so I'll deliver it later.

No, now.

But I'll be late.

I'll give your boss a note.

[dramatic music]

Ow, what'd you do that for?

We're closed.

Couldn't you have said that without hitting me?

No.

I have a package to deliver, I have to go inside.

We're closed!

We're closed!

I need to go inside.

Okay, fine.

Bruno's gonna be pissed.

Bruno?

Are you his new delivery boy?

Yes?

You don't know?

Yes, I am.

Manny gave me this package to deliver.

Give it to me.

No way.

I have very specific instructions on who to give this to.

[Woman] Heidi.

Yeah, how did you know that?

I'm Heidi.

Yeah, right.

You done out here?

Does it look like I'm done?!

Don't hurt me.

Just come inside when you're done.

Can you sign something to prove that I gave it to you?

Do I look like UPS?

All right, here you go.

Ow, jeez!

What are you, Fed-Ex?

Don't drop my package.

Thank you.

[camera clicking]

Bruno's got a new delivery guy.

[comical piano music]

Hey, Jack.

You have some customers.

[comical piano music]

Hello and welcome to Carolina Drive-In, ladies.

Ladies?

Do we look that old?

Sorry, ladies, I mean, ma'am.

So I'm a grandma now?

Dude, you better quit now before things get ugly.

Gina, he is just being a southern gentleman.

Oh, I'm not from the South.

But I have friends in the South.

Bloody Mary and I want a good pour.

And put it in a go cup.

Coffee, please.

Yeah, coffee and water, about a gallon.

Very good, I'll be right back with your drinks.

Gina, why are you mean to our server?

I think I'm still drunk.

Why do my legs hurt?

Could have been all that table dancing last night.

Table dancing?

Shit, I don't remember that.

Yeah, I told you not to get on the table

with that skirt on.

Was I at least wearing underwear?

When you got on or off the table?

Fuck, nevermind.

Your divorce party was much better

than your bachelorette party, though.

I remember your divorce party

and you got a little cray cray as well.

All right, here's your drinks.

Now what would y'all like to order?

Dude, don't even try.

Gina, stop it!

What would you recommend for a hangover?

Cheeseburger.

All the cheese, all the bacon.

It always works for me.

Done and fries, lots of fries.

I'm gonna do the fruit salad

with an egg white omelet and wheat toast.

Great.

Very good.

You're making me look like a pig.

Stop it, you are not a pig.

You're just hungover.

So now what?

Hangover?

Yep.

That chick is just rude.

Which one?

The dark haired girl with the hat on.

Oh, that's Gina.

She's a regular, she'll grow on you.

Yeah.

Like mold on stale bread.

[chuckles]

Just be nice.

She tips well.

Unless you piss her off.

Damn.

I tore that shit up.

Yes, you did.

I'm gonna hit the gym later.

What about the interview?

I gotta hit the gym first,

relieve some stress and work off these fries.

Then the interview.

Are you ready?

Tidy up, clean up, you know you gotta speed up,

take a sip, pep up, and you'll have to get up.

Hey, that's pretty good.

What's it for?

Menstrual cramps commercial.

I don't get it.

Is that our bill?

Yep.

Unless you guys want anything else.

Desserts?

[Ally] No, thank you.

It's been my pleasure serving you.

[Ally] Thank you.

You must enjoy having your teeth drilled.

I'll get this.

[Ally] Oh, no, you can pay after you get a job.

You ready?

Yeah, let's go.

What a bitch!

I couldn't do anything right.

No one can.

Her husband recently left her.

Oh, wow.

For her sister.

Ouch.

Well, I'll be damned.

Told you so.

Men.

This is your first practical test.

What the hell?

You're late, Jack.

Sorry, I got out of work late...

Oh, don't you.

Lateness will not be tolerated.

- But... - No buts.

Drop and give me 20.

[dramatic music]

As I was saying, this is your first practical test.

This skill will save your life

and your family Jules when done effectively.

Now.

Let's get ready.

Attention.

[knocking]

There's a knock at the door.

Stop what you're doing.

Drop on the floor.

Roll under the bed.

Back to one.

[knocking]

Back to one, let's go.

Right.

Attention.

[knocking] There's a knock at the door.

Stop what you're doing.

Drop to the floor.

Roll under the bed.

Yeah, this drop, stop, and roll technique,

when mastered will save your butt every time

that boyfriend or husband shows up unexpectedly.

Now, let's do it again.

[clapping] Come on, let's go.

Move those titties.

All right, yeah.

All right.

Attention.

[knocking] There's a knock at the door.

Stop what you're doing.

Drop to the floor.

Roll under the bed.

All right, come on, man up, guys.

Work through the pain.

Better to have a bruised leg than a fist to the face.

Let's do it again.

I counted it already.

That's why you pay me, isn't it?

Vinny, I know, I just love

the feel of fresh cash in my hands.

Yeah, it feels good.

Is Manny working on the books?

Yeah, he's adding it up now.

Making sure everything adds up.

Correctly.

Hey, you know, I've been meaning to ask you.

How the newbies doing?

[chuckles]

They've been working hard.

Yeah, they got lots of bruises.

Manny's been teaching them about endurance in the bedroom.

I love that session.

You got the doc on call?

Yeah, he's ready.

Just in case.

White or yellow?

White.

The yellow takes too long.

Good.

Good.

[dramatic music]

Guys!

Come on.

It's more important that the woman is satisfied.

I got to pee but I can't, what am I supposed to do?

Not pee.

Get out of here.

[dramatic music]

Damn, I feel like Superman.

How about you?

I feel good.

Look out, ladies, here I come!

Wait, so you've never taken a boner pill?

No, I've never had to before now.

[Chris] Yeah, me neither.

What do you think of it?

Oh, I didn't take one.

Why not?

I don't need to.

That's a bunch of fake shit anyway.

I like.

Well, don't get used to it.

It won't last long and if it does,

you're going to the ER.

You don't need a man in your life to be complete.

You must first find peace and completeness within yourself.

Be the woman you know you can be.

Take that first step and the remaining ones

will fall into place.

Now...

Why do I hear be the do, do the do in my head?

Don't be so negative.

She's come a long way and she's helped a lot of women

along the way.

This is such bullshit.

She's just trying to sell her book.

I need something real, not commercial pop speak.

Not enjoying the talk?

It's such bullshit.

She's so fake.

She doesn't know what I'm going through.

They're nothing but sheep here.

You have to read her story to really understand her.

Yeah, whatever.

She really does have a great story.

She just doesn't talk about

how she got her confidence up in the beginning.

See, I told you.

Wait?

How do you know that?

'Cause she got her start with me, at my school.

And who are you?

I'm Rhonda.

I run A Lady's Place here in town.

What the hell is that?

We teach women how to have strength

and power of their own

and not get caught up in a man's illusion of power.

So you're selling a book, too?

Come on, Ally, let's get the hell out of here.

Don't mind my friend, she's just getting out of her

second bad marriage.

I don't mind.

I know her type.

Bitch just meets me and thinks she knows my shit.

Bitch.

I know your shit 'cause I was

in your shit not that long ago.

Do you think you're the only bitch with problems?

Grow up.

I like this lady.

Okay, I'm listening.

What you got?

Come to our orientation session tomorrow night.

I promise you won't be disappointed.

Pay attention, Gina.

No, I'm done here.

Let's go, I'm getting hungry.

That's it?

It's not over.

I'm gonna go to this place and you're gonna come with me.

Why?

Because you dragged my ass here,

so I'm dragging your ass with me tomorrow.

What the hell are you wearing?

Protection, from that girl.

[Bruno] Mei?

You?

What?

No, that, that girl.

Yeah, Mei.

[Jack] No, not you.

Don't be stupid, Jack.

Her name is Mei.

Oh.

I thought her name was Heidi.

Heidi?

Does she look like a Heidi?

No.

You're one tough guy, aren't you, Jack?

She's tough as nails.

I got the bruises to prove it.

Why are you here?

Why couldn't you deliver the package yourself?

[dramatic music]

I don't do deliveries.

[slow-paced music]

Thank you for delivering my package.

What the hell?

See you next time.

Yeah.

I got it.

Get this.

Bruno showed up at the delivery.

Yeah, I'm headed back now.

Gotcha.

[dramatic music]

What is it?

Bruno's here to see you.

Well, tell him I'm busy, Jules.

It's Julian.

Now, Jules,

why did I hire you?

Because you fired the last assistant you had.

Exactly, because Benji couldn't

keep unwanted visitors out.

[Julian] Benjamin.

Whatever.

Go tell Bruno I'm busy.

[sighs]

[dramatic music]

[door shutting]

You're gonna need a bigger assistant

if you wanna keep me out.

[Rhonda] What do you want?

Just to discuss our upcoming school dance.

Dance?

What dance?

[Bruno] Our annual competition.

It's not a dance.

Well, I've told my students it is, so just go with it.

That is, unless you don't have any students.

I know business has been rough.

Business is just fine.

I've got a whole crop of new recruits

coming to orientation tonight.

Good.

You've got two weeks to get ready.

Two weeks?

We don't start our first session 'til tomorrow night.

I can't possibly have them ready in two weeks.

Okay, then.

If you want to forfeit.

No, hell no, I don't.

We'll be ready.

[Bruno] Good.

Why don't we raise the stakes this year?

What did you have in mind?

Ownership rights.

[Bruno] Of what?

The business.

I win, you close your stupid macho academy.

[chuckling]

[Bruno] And when I win?

I'll close A Lady's Place.

[Bruno] Deal.

[Rhonda] That was too easy.

Nope.

I just know you're gonna lose.

[dramatic music]

What's this?

Your alimony check.

I figured you might need it a little early.

Asshole.

Jules, get in here.

It's Julian.

Whatever.

Sit down.

This is it?

Where are all the recruits, Jules?

I'm sorry, it's all I could round up.

Okay.

New tactic.

I worked all day on that speech.

Well, it won't do now.

Get ready to leave in five minutes.

I thought you wanted to hear what she says.

Yeah, she's got five minutes to get my attention.

You're all pathetic, weak women.

Losers.

All of you.

Let's go, I don't like how this is starting.

Wait.

And that's what you've been told your whole life.

By men.

Men.

The supposedly stronger sex.

Men who always get their ways.

Men who make more money doing the exact same thing

that you do.

They act like you're an equal

but they want you to do exactly what they say.

What do you mean you have a headache?

Oh, wait, are you on your period?

Well, why else are you dressed like that, huh?

You want it, don't ya?

You know, if a women shows aggression

and, God forbid, actually wants to have sex,

she's called a whore, a slut, easy.

But when a man sleeps around, well,

his buddies, they just put him

on a pedestal and cheer him on.

Does that make any sense?

I mean, like, any, does it?

I'm here to tell you that you don't

have to take that bullshit any longer.

You have the power to change perception,

be the woman that you've always wanted to be,

and take those men by the balls.

And I don't mean figuratively.

I mean grab those dangling marbles

and just squeeze tight

and you know what?

You'll have total control over any man that you want.

So if you're tired of being taken advantage of by men,

I can help you.

Two weeks.

That is all it will take to completely change your life.

[clapping] Who's in?

My assistant, Julian, is at the table.

He'll get you signed up for our two-week,

life-changing, crash course.

Where are you going?

To sign up and you're coming with me.

I don't want any part in this.

You get pushed around by men all the time.

You need this just as much as I do.

I do?

Yeah.

And I don't have any money.

I'll pay you back, I promise.

Gina!

Ally, come on, please, I need this.

Did you just say please?

Don't be a bitch, yes, please.

It is worth it just to hear you say those words.

[Gina] Awesome, let's go.

[dramatic guitar music]

Oh, Jack, your favorite customer just walked in.

Welcome, breakfast for one?

Do you see anybody else with me?

Well, no, but last time you were here...

Just get me a coffee to go.

- Okay. - Can you handle that?

Yes.

I'll be right back.

I see you two are getting along quite well.

She is such a bitch.

I don't know what crawled up her ass

so early this morning.

So why don't you take the high road?

How?

Don't charge her for the coffee.

On the house.

Okay, I don't see how that's gonna help.

Trust me.

Hi, how may I help you?

[Jack] On the house.

Why?

Well, last time you were in here,

you know, the serving skills weren't up to par, so.

Aha.

And you look like you could use it, too.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing, I mean, you just look a little stressed.

Stressed?

Really?

No.

Nothing, sorry, just trying to be nice.

Well, you need to work on your social skills.

Believe me, I am.

Thanks for coming in, have a nice day.

Look, I'll give you a pass this time, if.

If?

If you tell me where I can get this music

you guys are playing in here.

Oh, you can't.

You're not scoring any points, dude.

No, I mean you can't because it's not for sale.

It's my music.

Your music?

Yeah, I'm in a band.

Well, I was in a band.

I'm not anymore, but I still love to compose music.

This is your music?

Yes.

Cool.

Very cool.

Thanks.

I can bring you a copy next time you come in.

That'd be great.

Great, my pleasure.

Hey, you need to work on your communication skills.

I know, I know.

Nice save with the music though.

Yeah.

I didn't see that coming.

Men.

We're going to shift into high gear.

In two weeks, you will meet the competition.

Each of you will go head to head with a woman

from A Lady's Place.

Uh, what's A Lady's Place?

Good question.

It's a place where women learn to take advantage of men.

These women are the reason men get divorced.

They give all men a bad name.

[chuckles]

What are we gonna do, beat 'em?

[chuckles]

Don't be an ass.

We don't condone violence here.

I'm kidding.

What do you mean by competition?

What's even the point?

The point is to show these women

how a real man does things.

You will be tasked with getting a date with a woman.

How are we gonna do that?

I'm glad you asked, Jack.

The next series of workshops will teach you just that.

Chris.

Well, I guess that leaves me out of the competition.

Why?

Because I'm not into women.

Yeah, I know.

You've got to get a man.

I can do that.

Anymore questions?

Put your big boy britches on, men.

And get ready to work.

It looks like a good group of ladies.

Well, I'm not looking for good.

I need women with killer instincts.

Those Mister Academy men aren't good ol' boys.

Are you girls excited or what?

I'm ready to tear apart some men.

Excuse me?

There'll be no tearing apart here.

You haven't read Rhonda's blogs, have you?

No, I haven't.

What do they say?

She's a man killer.

Ever since her divorce, she's dedicated her life

to make sure women don't get taken advantage of by men.

Well, I don't think you have to be mean to have that.

You haven't had a boyfriend lately, huh?

No, she hasn't.

I'm Gina.

This is Ally.

Maya, nice to meet you.

Welcome, ladies.

I'm very excited that you've all decided to join in

on this life-changing adventure.

I'm Julian, Rhonda's assistant.

I have the privilege of introducing to you

the one woman who will make all of your dreams come true.

Rhonda Marie Moretti.

[clapping]

Thank you, Julian.

Ladies.

Welcome.

You're all here because you're ready for a change.

So I'm not gonna bullshit you with a long speech.

Because now's not the time for bullshit speeches.

It's the time for action.

These next two weeks, they're all about action.

You're gonna learn how to handle,

subdue, acquire, and take control of a man.

Yes, whoo!

[clapping] Whoo, yes!

There you go, yeah, baby!

That, that, that right there, ladies,

is what you're all gonna need,

that enthusiasm, that gusto.

You're gonna need it to succeed.

We're not the weaker sex.

We are the stronger one.

By the end of these two weeks,

you'll learn just how to become that woman.

I think Maya needs to lay off the caffeine.

I don't think this is the place for me, Gina.

Rhonda sounds angry.

Well, I don't blame her.

She should sound angry.

Men suck.

Come see Julian for your class schedules.

Recognizing a Loser.

I needed that before my first and second marriage.

How to Keep Your Man Hard?

I needed that before my last date.

Mr. Softie was such a loser.

Oh, How to Take Control and Keep Your Legs Closed.

I got a bad feeling about all of this.

What's going on, boss?

Why the emergency meeting?

I just wanted you guys to know what's at stakes

with A Lady's Place competition.

What do you mean, it's not the same as last year?

No.

Rhonda has raised the stakes higher.

[Vinny] How high?

If we lose, we close Mister Academy.

What the hell?

Bruno, are you crazy, man?

No, just confident.

You have not seen these guys, these guys are pathetic.

Yeah, what a bunch of losers.

Step it up, guys.

We ain't losin', and I'm not closing this place down.

Now.

What's Tino teaching 'em today?

Proper grooming.

I thought we weren't gonna teach them that?

You guys remember what happened to the guy last time.

Yeah, but he didn't lose any of his family Jules.

He just can't feel one anymore.

Jeez, Vinny, call the medic and have him on standby.

Now, remember, gentlemen, the tree always appears taller

when the bushes are trimmed.

That's right.

A woman appreciates a well-groomed man.

Excuse me, uh, I think I'm gonna skip this lesson.

Oh, don't be scared, little buckaroo.

Oh, I'm not scared.

Then what's the problem?

Come on, Chris, if I'm doing this, so are you.

I just got my monthly waxing.

Damn.

Smoother than a newborn's bottom.

Thank you.

Okay, you are excused from this exercise.

And write down the name of your waxer.

I'm looking for somebody new.

Everybody else, gather your materials

and please proceed to your stalls in the next room.

And remember, gentlemen, this is not a race.

Take your time.

Be careful.

Please don't open your bags yet,

Rhonda will explain what to do, thank you.

[clearing throat]

Please don't open the bag yet.

Thank you.

Gina, put the bag down before you break what's inside.

You worry too much, girl.

Ladies, your attention, please.

I'm so excited.

[giggling]

We'll get to what's in your goodie bags in just a minute.

Pay attention, Gina.

Yes, mother.

What is one reason why you failed at getting a man?

Oh, oh, I know.

[Rhonda] Okay.

Because I picked a big old douchebag, yeah.

[giggling]

Yes, yes, that is probably one reason.

Anybody else?

I let my girlfriends pick my dates.

Yes, yes, yes, the inevitable blind date.

Uh, I didn't have a plan of attack.

Yes, yes, yes, that's it.

What's your name?

Maya.

You've been reading my blog?

Yes.

I read them every week.

You are amazing, I love you.

Suck up.

When was the last time that you went on vacation

and you didn't have a plan?

Do you just, I don't know, get up in the mornings,

walk out the door and not know

what you're going to do during the day?

Yeah, like every day.

[Rhonda] Gina, right?

Yeah, good memory.

How do those days normally turn out for you?

Be honest.

Pretty shitty, actually.

Exactly.

And that is how your date will turn out

if you don't have a plan of attack.

The goodie bags in front of you,

they're part of your attack plan.

So go ahead and look inside, pull out each item,

lay it on the table in front of you.

Oh, this is nice.

Uh, that's not for your hands.

Oh.

Um, what are the white pills for?

Oh, yes, yes.

That is my favorite item in the bag.

This, ladies, this is your most powerful weapon

to gain control of a man.

The boner pill.

[giggling]

Excuse me, these really are to help the guy,

so how does it help me?

That's, that's true.

Just not how I would use them.

Have you ever been with a man

who's had trouble getting an erection?

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

The key to control is to just take one of these babies

and just slip it into your date's drink.

But why would I want to do that?

Because there's nothing more controlling

than an unsatisfied, hard dick.

[chuckling]

Yeah, he gets hard.

You know it.

You tease him and then you leave him, unsatisfied.

[giggling]

That is just not very nice.

Well, this is not about being nice.

This about taking control of the situation.

Okay.

Let's talk about the handcuffs next.

Okay, gentlemen.

Inspection time.

Get ready to drop your shorts.

And.

Mm-hm.

Hmm.

Hm, nice.

Ooh.

Is something wrong?

No.

Nicely done.

Just make sure you get lots of aloe down there tonight.

Why?

Trust me, don't forget.

Mm-hm.

Mm.

Okay.

Oh, and that goes for everyone else as well, gentlemen.

Aloe vera, your best friend.

Okay, nice job, everyone.

That's it for tonight.

Tomorrow, we will work on pick up lines.

Thank you, goodnight.

That is some razor burn, dude.

That's why I get waxed.

Doesn't feel like razor burn.

Ouch, that is a little tender.

Yeah, aloe, lots and lots of aloe.

[dramatic music]

[chattering]

Evening, ladies.

What can I get for you today?

Are you okay, Jack?

Oh, I'm fine.

Why?

You're walking like you've got a bowling ball

between your legs.

Just sunburn, forgot the aloe.

[giggling]

Coffee?

Uh, yes, please.

Yes, and water.

I brought you that CD I promised you.

I hope you like it.

Thanks, Jack.

My pleasure.

So, Laura's gonna be taking over for me.

I gotta get to my second job.

[laughing]

That was very nice of Jack.

Jack's pretty cool.

Pretty cool?

You like him, don't you?

Quit it, I'm just being nice to him.

No, the last guy you were nice to, you married.

Look, I'm learning not to be fooled by men.

Some guys are just nice.

Don't let your last two ex-husbands convince you

that all guys are bad.

What are you doing?

Studying for tonight's test.

Worst pick-up lines review and test.

You're taking Rhonda's message seriously?

She's got her shit together.

Don't you think?

No, I think she's a bitter woman.

Excuse me, miss.

Yeah?

Are you related to my keyboard?

No, why?

Because you're just my type.

Get the hell out of here.

What's that?

For you.

Wow.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hey.

A whole ten dollars, huh?

[camera clicking]

Can I help you?

You get some good pictures?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, you see, I got a good friend

that likes to take pictures, too.

And he's real good at getting just the right angle.

Yeah, here.

Take a look.

Mm?

You know, I think your wife would love

to see these pictures, don't you?

What do you want?

Nothing.

Should I send her a copy?

[Man] No.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

I don't expect to see you around here again,

you understand me?

Yeah, I do.

Good.

Now get the hell outta here.

I'm so proud of all of you.

You've worked really hard over the last two weeks.

Tomorrow night, you get to meet your competition.

You get to take what you've learned

and put it into practice.

So who's ready to go into battle?

[cheering and clapping]

Battle?

Bring it on!

I'm ready to get this shit on!

Yes, you've got it!

Men, I have heard you are the best group we've ever had.

You're gonna need to be to beat the ruthlessness

of the women from the Lady's Place.

They will not play by the rules.

They will go straight for your balls to win.

Believe me, I know them.

They will not stop until they have beaten us to a pulp.

Tomorrow night, these ladies will join us,

so, men, get a good night's rest

and get ready to kick some lovely asses.

[cheering and clapping]

[dramatic music]

Hey, buddy, can I get you a beer?

No, I want to be sharp for tomorrow night.

About that.

Are you sure you still want to go through with this?

Are you shitting me?

Yes.

[Chris] But you don't even know what they want you to do.

I figure we'll practice what we learned with these women.

I don't know.

We've learned some pretty stupid shit.

Stupid?

How to talk to a woman is not stupid.

I'm finally getting used to these razors.

Did you know they make ball-sized band-aids?

Yeah, I know.

Hey, I just didn't want you to be disappointed, that's all.

Dude, you're the one who told me

I didn't know how to treat a woman.

How will I ever get Sheila back if I don't learn how to?

Is that what you think you've been learning?

Look.

You and Sheila, you just grew apart.

It happens.

I didn't know how to treat her.

I didn't know what it was like to be a good husband.

Why are you messing with me?

I'm finally getting my life together.

I'm sorry.

You've been working really hard.

I even saved up enough money to get my own place.

Really, that's, that's great, I guess.

I thought you'd be happy to get rid of me.

Nah, man, to be honest,

I kinda got used to you being around.

You're a different man than when you first moved in with me.

See?

It's all because of Mister Academy.

Okay, okay.

Look, I'm going to bed.

Night, Jackie.

Night, buddy.

[gentle piano music]

What are they doing here?

Who?

[Jack] Gina and Ally.

You know them?

They're regulars at the restaurant.

I told you about Gina.

Oh, that bitch customer.

She's not a bitch, really, it's just,

she's tough on the outside.

So you like her?

No.

No?

Well, she's nice.

But I don't like her.

Oh, so you like her but you don't really like her.

Exactly.

Okay.

Whatever you say, man.

I'll be right back.

[Julian] Ladies, ladies, ladies.

Jack?

[Jack] Gina.

What are you doing here?

I could ask you the same thing.

Wait, are you a student at the Lady's Place?

Yeah.

Wait.

Do you go to that male chauvinist Mister Academy?

Male chauvinist?

Yeah, that's what Rhonda said.

Who the hell is Rhonda?

My teacher.

Yeah, well, well, Bruno says

you guys are just a bunch of ball-busting bitches.

Ball-busting?

And I thought you were a nice guy.

Yeah, well, obviously I know who you really are.

I was really starting to like that guy.

And now you don't?

He goes to Mister Academy.

He was probably just using me for some project.

[Ally] Gina, you don't know that.

My instincts are spot on.

Says the twice divorced woman.

Shut it.

Well, how'd that go?

I don't want to talk about it.

Bitch.

I thought you said she wasn't a bitch.

[Jack] Well, I was wrong.

Okay, flipper.

Wait.

Who's that beauty?

Who are you looking at?

That guy right there.

I'm in crisis mode and you're scoping out a dude?

Look, I'm just trying to put what I learned to good use.

Excuse me.

Hey, you look like you've been working really hard.

Here you go.

Thanks.

Yeah, my name's Chris.

Jules.

Ugh, Julian.

Damn it, Rhonda's got me saying it, too.

What, Jules?

I mean, I like that, it suits you.

I mean, you do sparkle.

Thank you.

[Chris] So you're the,

you're the main guy in charge, right?

Oh, no, no, no, god, no.

I'm just the assistant.

Oh, well, the way you've been working this room

I just figured that you were the main man.

It was nice talking to you.

Uh, you too.

Thanks.

[Jack] You get his number?

Nope, just laying the ground work, my friend.

Just laying the ground work.

[Bruno] Rhonda.

Bruno.

How do you want to do this?

Same as always.

Just spare me the motivational speech.

My guys love it.

Doubtful.

Ladies, guys, we're about to get started,

so, please find your way to your seats.

Welcome to our annual school competition.

This is our fifth year running our friendly competition.

Yes.

And this is a very important year.

The tie-breaking year.

For your assignments,

you'll each be paired up with someone from the other school.

Time to take what you've learned, put it into practice.

The goal is to get a date with someone that you don't know.

Simple, right?

School with the most dates wins.

There's no limit, the number of dates.

However, each date has to be with a different person.

It's not about quality.

It's about quantity.

Besides,

you won't find much quality out there.

[giggling] [clapping]

[Woman] Boo.

You know, Bruno's right, ladies.

There aren't many quality men out there.

[giggling] [booing]

Please see Julian and Tino.

They'll let you know who you've been paired up with.

You're so going down.

You're going down, bitch.

Is that how it's gonna be?

- You fuck... - No need to get foul-mouthed.

It's not gonna help you win.

Go on.

Good luck.

[Julian] It looks like we're out of names.

No, wait a minute, that's not right.

We, I thought we had enough for everyone to be

evenly paired up.

We're out.

Well, how about I pair up with Jules?

That's not appropriate.

Why not, I mean, he's not a part of Mister Academy.

What do you say, Jules, you ready to go head to head?

I don't know.

How's your stamina, can you keep up?

Like Superman.

All right, Tino, I think we can make this work.

I accept your challenge.

Fine.

But if Bruno asks, it was your idea.

Tino, I hope you don't mind.

I mean, I know we had a connection, but,

well, you know.

I understand.

You'll just have to remain in my dreams.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard that.

You are getting soft in your old age.

Don't you say it.

'Specially if you value your family Jules.

I take it back.

Smart boy.

Let's keep this professional, I plan on winning.

Agreed, so, now what?

We go to a pick-up joint.

I don't know of any.

I do.

Come on, let's go.

You're driving.

So, what now?

Well, I guess we should go find a place to pick up women.

Well, that's not gonna work.

Why not?

I'm gay.

Happy?

Well, you're cute and funny.

You know what I mean.

Yeah, I'm just being shy.

Well, what do you say we ditch this competition

and we go get a drink?

Rhonda would be furious!

Look, life's too short to sweat the small stuff.

Just, just one drink.

Okay.

Just one drink.

Let's go.

I bring 'em in.

I put 'em away.

All of them?

So there was this one guy.

You here alone?

Yeah.

Who's that woman you're with?

She's just a friend.

Is she seeing anyone?

Check, please.

So, you want to get out of here?

Yes.

All right, let's go.

Not with you.

Get the hell out of here.

So, you come here often?

No.

Okay.

Can I buy you a drink?

No.

Where are we?

I thought we were going to get a drink.

My house, we are, here.

I have pepper spray.

Actually, it's body spray,

but it will still sting your eyes really badly.

You'll just smell nice as you writhe in pain.

Hey, man, we're cool.

We're just gonna have a few drinks on my porch, that's it.

Okay.

But I'm not going in your house.

Okay, come on.

In high school, I was quarterback in a football team.

Star player.

Oh, nice.

What do you do now?

Play league.

Oh, full-time?

Nah, only when I can get a ride from the shelter.

Check please, on him.

[dramatic music]

Have a seat.

I'll be right back.

[sighs]

[angelic music]

[coughing]

Oh, I almost forgot.

Thanks.

It's a really nice house you have.

Well, porch, actually.

Well, thank you.

Is that a spiral staircase in there

with all those lights?

Yeah, it leads to the master suite.

Oh.

Lovely.

I'd love to see that sometime.

But not tonight.

I know, I know.

So, uh, how long have you been working for Rhonda?

Oh, just a couple of weeks.

And it's been hell.

Why is that?

She's just, she's just a very demanding person

and, and not very nice.

You want me to slap her around for you?

No, stop it.

She's just a bitter old bitch.

So what do you do?

I'm a hairdresser.

Oh, I've been looking for a new stylist.

I could give you a makeover if you'd like.

Oh.

So.

Tell me more about what you would do to me.

[light acoustic music]

[soft singing]

So, how many did you get?

I don't know, I haven't added 'em up yet.

Just count up the numbers that you got.

Okay.

I got one.

How many did you get?

Two.

Twice as many as you.

I win.

Yeah, you win.

Where you going?

I need some tunes.

[gentle guitar music]

What is this?

It's my newest creation.

Do you like it?

It's amazing.

You're really talented, Jack.

Thanks.

I like you, Jack.

Yeah, sure.

[Gina] I really do.

I do, too.

[Gina] It's just.

What?

My track record isn't the greatest.

I want this to work.

Really?

Yeah.

Can we go slow?

Slow is good.

I can be a turtle.

[laughs]

You really are a great guy, Jack.

Yes, yes, I am.

We should get back so we can see who won.

I already know who won.

Who?

Me.

Tino and Julian are tallying up the scores.

We will soon know which school has won.

Everybody freeze, FBI!

What the hell?

[dramatic music]

Bruno, you're under arrest for smuggling.

Smuggling what?

These.

We caught up with the rest of the packages

left in Jack's car.

Damn it.

I forgot to deliver the rest of the packages.

I'm sorry, Bruno.

Don't worry about it, Jack.

You got nothing on me.

Go ahead, open it up.

These, drugs.

You're an idiot.

Those aren't drugs.

Then what are they?

[Bruno] Spices.

[giggling]

[Agent] Spices?

Yeah, from my import-export business.

I supply 'em to Chinese restaurants.

Sorry, Bruno.

Sorry, huh?

Tell that to the judge and my lawyer.

Now, get the hell outta here.

Manny, show her the door.

Spices.

Rhonda.

We have a problem.

What is it?

Well, take a look.

[Rhonda] What are we gonna do?

I need to think.

We both need to think.

Attention, everyone.

It appears we have a tie.

Rhonda and Bruno are reviewing the results

and will have a decision for you momentarily, thank you.

[dramatic piano music]

Ladies and gentlemen, please gather around.

I'm sorry about the unexpected intrusion and the delay.

Rhonda and I have come up with a solution to the tie.

Nick, come on up.

Gina, come on up here.

We've decided to have our top students

compete to break the tie.

- The winner will... - Bruno, wait.

Did you just interrupt me?

Yes, I'm sorry, but there isn't a tie.

I didn't get any dates.

I lied.

[gasps]

Yes, yes!

Why the hell would you do that?

Because I didn't want to.

Come on, Bruno, let's discuss

the details of your surrender over some drinks.

Okay, but you're buying this time.

Jack, why'd you do that?

I may be a turtle, but I know what I want.

Well, Jack, it looks like you finally learned

how to treat a woman.

I guess it took the right woman.

And the right man.

[upbeat music]

[Manny] So, spices, huh?

[Bruno] Yeah.

They didn't even look inside.

What a bunch of idiots.

So, what are we gonna do now?

I think we need a new plan.

I was thinking about opening up a new school.

Manny,

you ever been a model?

[chuckling]

Yeah, modeling school, I like that.

[upbeat music]

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